From mwhaley@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu Wed Nov 17 14:15:08 1993
Subject: The Big Story in Virginia
To: adam@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (Adam Rifkin)
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11]

Hey Adam!

Long time no e-mail... I realize that it has actually been an EXTREMELY long 
time, but I just read your huge msg-list today to look for quotes for my .plan 
and I just got this little missive in the mail from a friend of mine.

I'm assuming that you've been avidly following the famous case from Manassas, 
Virginia about the ... well... I don't have to spell it out, do I?

Anyway, here are a couple of newspaper columns from a guy out of the Chicago 
Tribune, Mike Royko, if you hadn't had enough laughs today...


---Marika


Forwarded message:
>
>    During lunch with several co-workers, one of them brought
> up a disgusting subject.
>    "I've written a limerick about that Bobbitt couple," he
> said.  "Want to hear it?"
>    Despite my protests that it wasn't a fit topic for a lunch
> conversation, the others urged him to go on. So he recited his
> crude little poem:
>
>    Big John was a lad of great lust
>    Had a wife who was filled with distrust
>    One night while he slept
>    With a knife, in she crept
>    As a lover Big John's now a bust.
> 
>    To my disappointment, everyone hooted and laughed. But
> news people are notoriously insensitive.
>    Even worse, they took out notebooks and began composing
> their own limericks and reading aloud. It was appalling. But I'm
> going to suppress my revulsion and pass some of them along to show
> how callous people can be about the misfortunes of others.
> 
>    There once was a Bobbitt named John
>    Who thought he was quite the Don Juan
>    His wife disagreed
>    So the next time he wee'd
>    John couldn't locate his wand.
> 
>    Isn't that loathsome?
> 
>    Lorena wished John could be nicer
>    But he wasn't much of a de-icer
>    If she finds a new spouse
>    Let us hope he's no louse
>    Or we might have our first serial slicer
> 
>    Odious isn't a strong enough word to describe such
> inhumanity.
> 
>    Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper
>    Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper
>    But to his wifey's dismay
>    Big John leaped to the fray
>    The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper.
> 
>    Absolutely vile. But they refused to desist.
> 
>    A surgeon was filled with great tension
>    Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention
>    He stitched and he sewed
>    Used all the skills that he knowed
>    But the wee thing won't stand at attention.
> 
>    John Bobbitt was never a loner
>    In fact, he was known as a roamer
>    His wife seized his prize
>    And cut him to size
>    Now he is his own organ donor.
> 
>    There was once a crime most venal
>    One might say 'twas inches from renal
>    It wasn't for sport
>    That she made him so short
>    Her intentions were nothing but penal.
> 
>    I ask you: What ever happened to compassion?
> 
>    The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
>    Though it sounds a little bit silly
>    He said she's the hacker
>    Who lopped off his whacker
>    She said she was only trying to Free Willy.
> 
>    Such low humor. In the future I will lunch alone.
> 
>    There once was a man from Manassas
>    Who was fond of sleeping with lasses
>    His wife had enough
>    So she chopped off his stuff
>    Now let's see him try to make passes.
> 
>    People at the next table chuckled. There are boors
> everywhere.
> 
>    There once was a lady named Bobbitt
>    Who got so fed up that she lopped it
>    She said,  "I'm sorry, honey,
>    But your conduct's not funny,"
>    And she very efficiently stopped it.
> 
>    I don't know if I can go on. But I'll try.
> 
>    There once was a place in Virginia
>    Where a gal snipped it off like a zinnia
>    She whipped back the sheets
>    Ignored his sad bleats
>    And attacked like a professional ninja.
> 
>    Fortunately, the waiter was bringing the check.
> 
>    John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff
>    For it seems the judgment's been soft
>    He's been retrofitted
>    And now he's acquitted
>    That's the last time he ever gets off.
> 
>    Now, with dread, I await the mail. I know there are many
> sadists out there who will try their hands at the limerick form at
> poor Bobbitt's expense.
>    I should point out that most of the above trash was
> written by men. What ever happened to male bonding?
>    By the way, anybody got a good rhyme for "bonding"?
> 
> (C) 1993 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
> DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
> 
> 
> 
> 
>    To my disgust, the fax machine began humming early in the 
> morning, spewing out terrible limericks about the Bobbitts. 
>    Being a highly sensitive and politically correct person, 
> my conscience tells me to run them through the paper shredder. 
>    But I suppose they can be of some value to psychologists,
> sociologists and others who study the workings of the sadistic
> mind.
>    So I will stifle my better instincts and pass them along 
> as a service to scholars. 
>    One of the first to arrive was the work of Chicagoan Paul Stroili: 
>    When drinking in full regalia
>    Sometimes your memory will fail ya'
>    But John B. woke up thinking
>    I really must have been drinking
>    I have misplaced my genitalia.
> 
>    Kevin Theis was man enough to express some remorse,
> saying: "I plead guilty to the same vileness as your lunch
> companions. God help me but they just popped into my head." And
> he wrote three of them.
> 
>    Sweet Lorena did not use precision
>    The darkness, she said, hindered vision
>    She jumped on the divan
>    And gave husband John
>    An un-volunteered circumcision.
> 
>    Big John B. was a creep, don't ya' know,
>    Whose wife gave him a horrible blow
>    Now the people he meets
>    As he walks down the streets
>    Say, "John Bobbitt? That old sew-and-sew."
> 
>    "This case," said the cops, "sure does pickle us
>    "Searching for this man's thing does not tickle us
>    "It was somewhere 'round here
>    "That she threw this man's gear
>    "But to us the whole thing is ri-dick-ulus."
> 
>    Without any pangs of remorse, Jim Schaefer, of Mt.
> Prospect, Ill., offered this to the world:
> 
>    A much-abused lady named Bobbitt
>    Said unto her husband, please stop it
>    Or I'll draw my stiletto
>    And chop down your palmetto
>    And see just how far I can lob it.
> 
>    The next one came from Lake Forest, Ill. The author used
> only the initials A.H. Such modesty. Or maybe shame.
> 
>    His technique, oh boy, it was brutal
>    To retrain him, she knew, would be futile
>    So she aimed for the tip
>    But the blade it did slip
>    And cut off the whole kit and caboodle
> 
>    Peter Kendall, a journalist, made two offerings. He will
> have to live with himself.
> 
>    Now you know that it had to sting
>    But no curses did poor Johnny sing
>    He was quite relaxed
>    When his manhood was axed
>    Guess it wasn't that big of a thing
> 
>    John Bobbitt was a bit too cocky
>    And his marriage grew ever more rocky
>    Now it ' s true, I swear,
>    That in terms of underwear
>    He wears stitches, not boxers or jockeys.
> 
>    A guy named Harold, who sounded like he was drinking his
> lunch, called and said: "I wrote a couple, but I don't have a fax
> and the mail takes too long. Can I just read them to you?" And he
> did:
> 
>    A fellow named John went out drinking
>    When he finally got home he was thinking
>    He would give his sweet wife
>    The big thrill of her life
>    Alas, the means to this end was soon shrinking.
> 
>    Pausing only to take another swallow, he went on:
> 
>    It's not sinful to hit a few bars
>    And to drink beer 'til the pre-dawn hours
>    But he lurched to his bed
>    With sheer lust in his head
>    Now when he meets a new gal he just cowers.
> 
>    ``OK?'' Harold said. ``What 'ya think? Not bad, huh? I
> never wrote limericks before." I wished him a happy lunch.
> 
>    The next contribution was faxed from George, who said:
> "Don't use my full name. My wife takes this thing seriously and
> we haven't been getting along. I don't want to be next."
> 
>    They're making plans in movie-land
>    For a film about Lorena's sleight-of-hand
>    Whether it's funny or sad
>    One thing makes me glad
>    I don't have to be Bobbitt's stunt man.
> 
>    And from Larry Meekma in Oak Lawn, Ill., we have this:
> 
>    The legend of Bobbitt is growing
>    It's a story well worth the knowing
>    He offended his wife
>    So she took up her knife
>    And put an end to his coming and going.
> 
>    I will end it with this anonymous contribution:
> 
>    This story is just so much flotsam
>    Appealing to those who are rotten
>    I know that don't rhyme
>    But I don't have the time
>    As a journalist you have hit bottom.
> 
>    To which I must respond:
> 
>    I'll admit that I wasn't too keen
>    About dwelling on a topic so mean
>    But do I really havta
>    Write about NAFTA
>    When the nation is obsessed by John's wien?
> 
> (C) 1993 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
> DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
> 
> 
>