What do California tourists and raisins in raisin bran have in common?
 They both run into lots of flakes.

Why didn't the California man wake up during the earthquake?
 He thought it was the best sex he ever had.

What's the quickest way to get elected in California?
 Say that you are in favor of Pyramid Power.
 And the ultimate surf!

What's the most useless idea for a shop in California?
 A Toro Snowblower Dealership.

How do you know when a relationship gets serious with a Californian native?
 (S)he takes you to meet his/her Tarot Card reader.
 Or you let them drive your porsche to the mall.

What's an acceptable excuse for staying home from California High Schools?
 The vibes just don't feel right.
 Or you don't feel like getting shot today.

What's the least often heard phrase in California?
 No.
 Why yes, I smoke.

What's the most often heard phrase in California?
 Let's party.
 @$^^#%! tourist! learn to drive or go home! 

And the second most often heard phrase?
 I do.
 Are you going to the gym today?

And the third?
 I want a divorce!
 It's too nice of a day to go to work.

The most often seen phrase:
Will work for food or money.

***

From inveterate contributor Jim Day (JimDay:PASA)
Los Angeles Times, May 11:

If aliens from outer space landed in Los Angeles they'd probably go 
unnoticed, no matter how bizarre their appearance.  Their main problem 
would be finding a place to park.  That could explain why a parking lot 
in northeast Los Angeles has spaces marked ALIEN 27, ALIEN 28, etc.  
Even odder is the fact that the lot is at a city animal shelter.  Has 
Los Angeles been invaded by poodles from Procyon IV?  Actually, the 
parking spots have been rented by employees of the TV show Alien Nation, 
which has a production office across the street.  Or is that what THEY 
want us to think?

***

This reminds me of a story I heard on KPWR in Los Angeles.

It seems this guy was trying to rob a Ready Teller cash machine at a bank.
He couldn't figure out how to get to the money, so he decided to tear off
the front of the machine by tying a rope to it and attaching the other end
to his car.  He hit the gas, the Ready Teller machine didn't give, and the
guy's rear bumper ripped clean off.  He got scared because of the commotion
he had caused and drove off.....leaving his bumber, with license plate
attached, behind.  The plate was promptly traced and he was apprehended
shortly thereafter.

***

During the riots, Bill Clinton visited LA.  He said he could see the fires but
couldn't smell the smoke.

***

"You have to feel for the NFL for moving the Super Bowl from racist
Phoenix Arizona (for not allowing a Martin Luther King Holiday) to non-racist
L.A

***

George Bush said today that he has learned a lot about the poor
by visiting L.A. Unfortunately, almost no one heard him because
he forgot to roll down the window on his limousine.
	-- Paraphrased from Dennis Miller

***

From: lee@puck.mport.com
Subject: Respect for the Law

Whil topping off my gas tank at a California self-service gas station
this morning, a policeman next to me remarked "You know it's illegal to
top off your tank here."

I replied, "I had my eggs over easy this morning too.  Lock me up
before I start tearing off mattress tags!"

***