Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. *** All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from my Cat Life is hard, then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. When in doubt, cop an attitude. Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them. Climb your way to the top---that's why the drapes are there. Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face. Find your place in the sun--especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry. Make your mark in the world---or at least spray in each corner. When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times. If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several expensive antique lamps. Always give generously--a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care." *** From megan.coughlin@attws.com Tue Jan 2 16:00:14 1996 Content-Type: text/plain Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2) X-Nextstep-Mailer: Mail 3.3 (Enhance 1.0) To: Adam Rifkin , Amy & John Wilson Subject: feline/human domestic partnership agreement Cc: John Dobbin Reply-To: megan.coughlin@attws.com@axysdev.nwest.attws.com X-Phone: (206) 702-5342 (from HotSoup -- http://www.hotwired.com/soup/) STANDARD FELINE/HUMAN CONTRACT (House) I, [name of Cat(s)], being of diminutive brain and mental capacity, agree to waive my right to personal representation, and allow my owner (hereinafter referred to as MASTER) the sole power of attorney over my affairs, and grant him the express right to make this contract with himself on my behalf. 1. CLAWS CLAUSE a. I hereby agree to refrain from deploying or wielding my claws unnecessarily, unless in pursuit of small game or prey, and/or during such play, initiated by myself or by MASTER, as might cause me to get so carried away with excitement that I just forget. b. I agree to refrain from deploying or wielding my claws on furniture, fabrics, carpeting, and other such surfaces within the house as might be damaged by use of said claws, and agree to restrict scratching and any and all other use and/or deployment of claws to proper scratching receptacles and implements, as defined below: i. Scratching Posts c. In the event that I draw blood from MASTER, I hereby agree to retire forthwith and with all due haste under the nearest bed and wait there until MASTER has cooled down a little. 2. FOOD CLAUSE a. I agree to eat whatever food I am given, and to refrain from attempting to bury such food in the same manner as I bury my excreta (see Section 4 below). b. I agree to patiently await feeding time in the case that my bowl is empty. i. When fed after any short period of bowl emptiness, I agree to refrain from promptly regurgitating my hastily eaten food onto the carpet, bathroom floor, hamper, or any other place where I might happen to be when the need to regurgitate may arise. c. I agree to refrain from eating cigarette wrappers, CD plastic, the safety wrapper from the mustard, and any and all other forms of plastic or cellophane, rubber bands, balloons, and any and all other manmade items as I, in my limited mental abilities, may mistake for food. i. I also agree to refrain from licking plastic trash bags, Barnes and Noble shopping bags, or any other large plastic open-ended flexible container, or bubble wrap or tape or any other form of plastic, adhesive backed or non-adhesive backed, even though for some weird reason I find them irresistible. 3. VOCALIZATIONS CLAUSE a. I agree to limit my vocalizations to such accepted noises as shown below. In the event that vocalizations are inappropriate, or may cause MASTER to fly into a murderous rage when MASTER is seeking a state of absolute quiet, I shall be allowed two (2) extra vocalizations before I concede the point to MASTER and thereupon cease any and all subsequent vocalizations. i. ACCEPTABLE VOCALIZATIONS (1) Meow (2) Mao (3) Rowl (4) See B. Kliban "Cat" book attachment listed hereunder as Exhibit A b. I also agree to limit my vocalizations to no more than 1.5 seconds in length, and no more than approximately 30 decibels. I also further agree to maintain at least 2 seconds between vocalizations. At no time shall I engage in "carpet", "pattern" or "saturation" meowing. 4. EVACUATIONS CLAUSE a. I agree to limit my excretions to the plateau of sand in the box in the bathroom. b. In the event the box in the bathroom becomes full of excreta, I agree to wait patiently until such time as it is emptied, strained, or otherwise cleaned and excreta has been removed, and NOT take it upon myself to go to the bathroom in any other place not specifically designated for such activities. I also may elect, at my option, to communicate subtly to MASTER the state of said box via note or polite muffled cough. c. If my excretory efforts result in a patina of fecal residue upon my anterior regions, or if an ingested hair causes me to trail a "caboose" upon my exiting said box, I agree to refrain from attempting to remove same by utilizing the nearest available carpet or rug. d. I shall not scratch excessively when burying my excreta, and shall limit my scratchings to a number and volume absolutely necessary to cover at least 98% of the smell producing surfaces of my feces and/or urine, and I shall not fall into a trance and scratch for a half an hour. 5. VISITORS CLAUSE a. In the event of visitors, I hereby agree to speak only when spoken to, and to comport myself in a dignified and extraordinarily loving manner, and shall in all ways endeavor to behave in a manner that reflects well upon myself and upon MASTER. b. At no time will I present my anus to any visitor, human or non-human. 6. DISASTERS; ACTS OF GOD CLAUSE a. In the event of earthquake, vacuum cleaner, a new dog across the hall, strange footsteps arriving, or the sudden detonation of the smoke alarm, I agree to retire forthwith and in a damned hurry under the bed or way back in the closet or in a drawer in the kitchen. b. For ten or so minutes after the danger has passed and I emerge, I hereby agree to walk hunched down close to the ground and leap straight up at any sudden noise, normal or otherwise. 7. FUNNY TRICKS CLAUSE a. I hereby agree to sit patiently while master pulls the corners of my eyes up and says in a faux oriental voice, "You think your Kung Fu is good? My Kung Fu is BETTAH!" b. I also hereby agree to skedaddle out of the way whenever MASTER yells, "UHOH! MAN WITH A NERVE DISEASE!" and begins flailing his limbs spastically and chasing me noisily around the house. c. For and in consideration of the above, I shall accept no less than two (2) kitty treats on a regular basis, as full and complete compensation for such indignities. 8. UNEXPLAINED BEHAVIOR CLAUSE a. I hereby agree to come out from wherever I happen to be sleeping at the time and gravitate in a daze toward MASTER if MASTER happens to begin playing the harmonica. If my sibling cat is in the area, I further agree to attempt to bite my sibling cat about the face and neck, or, if my sibling cat is not available, to bite MASTER'S closest available extremity or that of any of MASTER'S friends. b. I also hereby agree to bolt upright out of a sound sleep, rush into the bathroom, and eat a little food, whenever MASTER arises from his chair at the computer to go to the toilet. c. I also hereby agree, at a time and place of my own choosing, to stand near a wall or mirror, gaze upward, and meow continuously, unless such activity conflicts with the tenets set forth in Section 3 hereinabove. I, [name of Cat(s)], hereby freely and without reservation allow MASTER to make and establish these codicils and parameters of behavior on my behalf, and agree to be bound by these codicils and parameters of behavior as set forth in the contract hereinabove, until such time as I feel like manifesting some new odd behavior, and in consideration of the foregoing, Witness my paw below: __Katya, Nicky______________________ Name of Cat(s) __Jeff Swanson______________________ Name of MASTER __December 1st, 1995________________ Date (seal) *** BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs. II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. VII. PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time. Favorite Cat Games: - "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse! - "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill. Favorite Cat Toys: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. - Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. - Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. -- Paper bags. Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match. VIII. FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed. a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from. d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent--your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively. IX. SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise. X. SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! XI. HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household. ***