From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob) This file contains jokes about Bill Clinton that I have saved from Usenet (rec.humor, rec.humor.funny, alt.sex, alt.tasteless.jokes, Netwit, alt.politics.elections) over the past nine months or so. Some of these are kinda lame and I don't even understand a lot of them, but there are also a few decent ones in here. Since it looks like Clinton will be the President for the next four years, I thought I would continue collecting Bill Clinton jokes and humor for a while as kind of a humor-oriented historical record. Please send me any Bill Clinton humor that you know of or that you hear from friends, comedians, talk-show monologues, radio, etc. There might be quite a few on election day and immediately following, so keep an ear out. Also, I'd like any humorous quotes by Bill Clinton or about him, such as the "I didn't inhale" quote or Perot's line about Arkansas being irrelevant. Send Bill Clinton humor to: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu The Canonical List of Bill Clinton Jokes ======================================== Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"? A: "Trust me." == At the election night victory party: Hillary jumps up on a table, pulls up her dress, points at her freshly shaved pussy and says, "Read my lips, NO MORE BUSH!!" == It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed. == If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he can have it both ways. == Late Night With David Letterman's suggested Clinton campaign slogan: "We don't have a clue, but we don't have a Quayle." == Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people shout, "Taxi!" == Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Bob Kerrey lost an arm in Vietnam.] == Heard recently on TV the new definition of silence: Quayle and Clinton telling own Vietnam war stories to each other. == Q: What do Gomer Pyle, Elmer Fudd and Bill Clinton have in common? A: People who make Dan Quayle look like a war hero. == Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs. == TOP TEN REASONS WHY BILL CLINTON DODGED THE DRAFT 10. He wanted to hang out with his friend Dan Quayle. 9. He was allergic to Vietnamese food. 8. He thought 'gook' meant the stains on Gennifer Flowers' panties. 7. He wanted to do one better than Gary Hart. 6. He had his weekly appointment with a hooker that day. 5. He needed some good scandals for when he ran for presidency. Soon we'll be hearing about how he smoked marijuana with his brother. 4. He heard that no women were in the army, and he wasn't too into Oriental chicks. 3. He was against the whore..Oops, I mean war. 2. When they said sign, he thought they meant a subscription to Penthouse. 1. He had to weigh his priorities...mow down the Vietcong or mow down Gennifer Flowers' lawn. == Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes. == Richard Belzer told this joke on TV today, apparently after watching Bill Clinton's performance in last night's debate (loosely paraphrased): Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one. == From an Associated Press report: Gore, a 16-year veteran of Congress, pledged to take on the assignment with "great relish and enthusiasm." He asked voters skeptical of their promise of change to remember that every Communist government in Eastern Europe had fallen in 100 days. "Now it's our turn here in the United States of America," Gore said. == I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they have to put a governor on them! == "One thing's for sure about Clinton... -- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" == Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton? A: Eats Waffles == My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!! == So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times... ...but he didn't come. == They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like to thank the governor for wearing a condom." == It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead. == From a Mike Royko column: Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle? == Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the same time, they never see each other. == Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. == Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time. == Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. A: None -- He'll only promise "change." == George Bush: "Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." == Heard on MTV News: "Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." == BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE 1040 Bufoo Street Little Rock, AR 72205 Dear Friend, We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally, The Bill Clinton Statue Committee == Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. == Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. == Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo? A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside. == A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?" The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister." Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?" The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton." "But why not?" asked the man. The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton." == Arsenio: I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to imitate Bill Clinton... He wouldn't inhale... == TRUE STORY A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night: The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog: Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty? You smoked the peace pipe with us! Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale! HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth, but he plagiarizes his lies! == There was a line in George's speach where he said I raised taxes 1 time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute. (I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way on adultry.) == Drinking Fountain Politics: (copied w/o permission from the NY Times, Monday 8/31/92, p.A15) Imagine that a network morning show has assembled six political heavyweights for a call-in show. A teacher phones to report that during a recent class tour of the White House, a student wanted a drink of water, only to discover that the fountain was out of order. The teacher asks the panel what message a broken fountain at the White House sends to the young people of America. Let's listen to the answers. Ross Perot: The question here is simple: how do we fix it. I say, let's bring together the finest plumbing talent in America -- from outside the system. Let them look at the fountain. Turn it on. Turn it off. Measure the flow in it. That sort of thing. And you can be sure, the next time you take a White House tour, you're going to drink from a world-class fountain. Jesse Jackson: Let us not talk about this broken water fountain. Let us talk about the thousands of broken water fountains across America. For they, too, are broken, like the broken dreams of America's forgotten children. And whether you are black, white, brown or yellow, you cannot use them. Why? Because the Republican Party is more interested in Perrier water and Pellegrino water than it is in public water. Al Gore: I love my country. And I love water. And I love the children who drink from the water fountains in the country I love, and that my father loves. And I believe in my heart that the time has come, now more than ever, for all of us to be inspired by the young people of America whose dreams for the future depend on our ability as a nation to provide them with the water that is the essence of their survival. Dan Quayle: I am very, very sympathetic to the disappointment young people in America feel when they go to a water fountain in the single most important building in America and cannot drink from it. Because I too, would be very, very disappointed if I were to go to get a drink from a water fountain and discover that, because of the Democrats, the water does not come up. Water is a terrible thing to waste, when there is thirst but no water, that is a terrible thing. Bill Clinton: I grew up in a home where public water fountains were very important to me and to my family. And I have put forward a plan similar to the plan I introduced to Arkansas. This plan is good for America. It takes the $4.25 million savings we realize when we eliminate the 10 percent reduction on the capital gains that exceed $30,000 in any given one-year period for Americans under the age of 31 who graduated before 1984, and it allocates 18.5 percent of that sum to paying for 80 percent of the new fountain construction. George Bush: O.K. Sure. Fine. There's something wrong with a water fountain in the White House? Not denying it. Have to be a fool to deny it. But make no mistake about it. There is a lot that is right with it, too. And that's one thing I want to focus on, you see, not what's bad about the water fountains in America by what's good about them. And with the help of the American people and a Republican Congress I can work with, I can make the water flow again in the water fountains of America. == Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas station, a common man if there ever was one. "Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president," said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake. "That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man enthusiastically. The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand if you cross the highway with me." Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the highway with you?" The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob touching is legal only in Arkansas." == Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age): All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas Jefferson. Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention: When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't inhale. == Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government spending by dividing it into investment spending and consumption spending: GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption He claims that goverment investment is productive and is worth running a deficit for. The question is whether the government can really make that many investments that are better than private sector investments. People are scared that under Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead get: GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants + Bureaucracy + Inefficiency + Uncontrolled Costs + Politically Correct Spending + Outrageous Boondoggles + $500 Billion Bank Bailouts + Favors to Lobbyists + More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests + Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats and academic economists would know an efficient investment from a hole in the wall. They think that politicians would end up calling everything they like, including increases in their own salaries, a form of investment. == DLC STUDIOS Presents SLICK WILLIE One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas. He won't inhale. He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself. Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo" Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather" Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS! DLC Studios presents BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE" in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production Executive Producer: RON BROWN Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T Featuring: JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER" AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER" PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD" JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM" Special Apperances by: JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST! UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE Records and Tapes Taken from a cartoon in The Washington Times. In the cartoon, it does appear as one of those movie posters that they release for a movie. == George Bush: "When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." == THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House. Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings. RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG President Bill: Hello! Hello! Voice on the Line: President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States! President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson] AW SHIT!!! HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT! THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER! SON-OF-A-BITCH!!! BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle. President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker. Voice: Mr. President, is this a drill? President Bill: Listen to me. We're being attacked by the Russians. Launch a full-scale response immediately. Voice: Are you sure, Sir? President Bill: HELL YES!!! FIRE THE MISSILES!!! FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!!! Voice: OK Sir, we're launching them this minute. President Bill: Thank you, Son! The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room. Aid: Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh? Sounded real, didn't it? Attacked by the Russians! What a gag! Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill? How about a Pizza or something? Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale. You OK Bill? Bill??? == I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun or HP which would have brought larger crowds. He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they were a "fault tolerant" company. == Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a great guy" ? Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hilary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shame- fully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hilary's life, which can be construed as deroguerotory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this is. Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hilary's voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hilary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right." It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.) The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down, they've been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the congressional pay raise! Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and once again viscious lies are spread about us and guerilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies. -- Nervous in New England == Saw this on "In Living Color" last night: Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody Allen wouldn't touch her." == New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton: Smell my lips.....No more Bush == I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed. == Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy political humor... Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime... == Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits *around* the White House. == Acronym: CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation == Send Bill Clinton humor to: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu