From rifkin@cco.caltech.edu Fri Jan 28 01:26:37 1994 To: robert@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu, adam@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu, dobbin@tma.com, kendall.bullen@his.com Subject: Flame on! I love this stuff. >Newsgroups: rec.humor >Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!mustang.mst6.lanl.gov!nntp.ucsb.edu!library.ucla.edu!agate!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!lerc.nasa.gov!purdue!mentor.cc.purdue.edu!expert.cc.purdue.edu!mechalas >From: mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu (John Mechalas) >Subject: Re: Releasing your photographic memory >Message-ID: >Sender: news@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (USENET News) >Organization: Purdue University Computing Center >References: <19940126.02325611.brainpower@delphi.com> >Date: Thu, 27 Jan 1994 04:36:30 GMT >Lines: 124 BRAINPOWER@delphi.com writes: > When is the last time you forgot where you put your car keys? Or >forgot some items at the grocery store? Or forgot the name of that file >that is somewhere in your hard drive? > > NEVER AGAIN!!!!!! > [advertisement deleted] STANDARDIZED BONEHEAD REPLY FORM (original by David Parsons) I took exception to your recent _X_ post to ____rec.humor____________. (newsgroup) ___ email It was (check all that apply): _X_ lame. ___ stupid. _X_ much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capabbe. Your attention is drawn to the fact that: ___ what you posted/said has been done before. (Mark only if above checked) ___ Not only that, it was also done better the last time. ___ your post/letter was a pathetic imitation of ______________________. (net.personality) ___ your post/mail originated on FidoNet. _X_ your post/mail originated on Delphi. ___ your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS, or Notesfile. _X_ your post contained commercial advertising. THE FINE FOR THIS IS $20. Please remit immediately to: Usenet News Network Security & Standards Patrol 3 Cielo Vista Terrace Monterey, CA 93940 or your posting privileges will be cancelled. ___ your post/letter contained numerous spelling errors. ___ your post/letter contained multiple grammatical errors. _X_ you are unfamiliar with the concept of the paragraph. _X_ YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!! ___ you posted a "newgroup" message without Leader Kibo's permission. ___ you posted a "rmgroup" message without Bruce Becker's permission. ___ your post/letter was an obvious forgery. (Mark only if above checked) ___ It was done clumsily. _X_ you have a lame login name. ___ your machine has a stupid name. ___ you quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text. ___ you quoted an article/letter in followup and only added ___ lines of text. ___ you quoted an article in followup and only added the line "Me, too!!!" ___ you predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net[tm]". ___ you asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group". ___ you flamed someone who has been around far longer than you. ___ you flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty than you. ___ your lines are 80 columns wide or wider. ___ you failed to check the "Followups-To:" line. ___ your .sig is longer than four lines. (Mark only if above checked) ___ And your newsreader truncated it. ___ your .sig is ridiculous because (check all that apply): ___ you listed ___ snail mail address(es). (Mark only if above checked) ___ you listed a nine-digit ZIP code. ___ you listed ___ phone numbers for people to use in prank calls. ___ you included a stupid disclaimer. (Mark only if above also) ___ your pathetic attempt at being witty in the disclaimer failed. (Mark only if above also) ___ Miserably. ___ you included: (Mark all that apply) ___ a stupid self-quote. ___ a stupid quote from a net.nobody. ___ a Rush Limbaugh quote. ___ a Dan Quayle joke. ___ a reference to Beavis & Butthead. ___ lame ASCII graphic(s) (Choose all that apply): ___ USS Enterprise ___ Australia ___ The Amiga logo ___ Company logo (Mark only if above also) ___ and you stated that you don't speak for your employer. ___ Bicycle ___ Bart Simpson Furthermore: _X_ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of __rec.humor_____________. (newsgroup) _X_ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net. _X_ You are a loser. ___ You must have spent your entire life in a skinner box to be this cllueless. ___ *plonk* ___ This has been pointed out to you before. _X_ It is recommended that you: (Mark all that apply) ___ stick to FidoNet and come back when you've grown up. ___ find a volcano and throw yourself in. ___ get a gun and shoot yourself. _X_ stop reading Usenet news and get a life. ___ stop sending email and get a life. ___ consume excrement. _X_ consume excrement and thus expire. Additional comments: Doesn't Delphi teach you people how to post to Usenet? -- John Mechalas \ If you think my opinions are Purdue's, then mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu \ you vastly overestimate my importance. Purdue University \ Stamp out and abolish redundancy. School of Aeronautical Engineering \ If you can read this you are too close. From clone!kendall.bullen@his.com Thu Sep 22 14:21:24 1994 Reply-To: kendall.bullen@his.com Subject: Flames Form Letter To: adam at xent dot com Enjoy! - - - - - c u t h e r e - - - - - From: Joe_Katzman@magic.ca (Joe Katzman) Organization: Magic Online Services Toronto Inc. Date: 20 Sep 1994 18:39:45 GMT Here's a flame form letter that I modified from the Humour forum. It is being posted as a public service, and should come in handy over the course of the year. Have fun with it! This form will be updated as needs arise, and suggestions are welcome (why do I get the feeling that this last statement was a mistake?) -- Thalion Envinyatar =============================================== TO: <> Dear: [ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus [ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] newbie twerp [ ] comrade [ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer [ ] citoyen [ ] Geek [ ] cur [ ] TSR Employee You are being gently flamed because: [ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread [ ] you quoted someone's whole article just so you could agree [ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads [ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities [ ] you advocated Net censorship [ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps) [ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group [ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article [ ] you run a munchkin campaign and we don't want to hear about it [ ] you made a bigoted statement(s) [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve [ ] you were unnecessarily mean/cruel/personal in your postings [ ] you repeatedly shown lack of humor [ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread [ ] you are posting an anonymous attack [ ] you don't know what you're talking about Thank you for the time you have taken to read this. Live n' Learn. Next time it happens, though, we make you the mediator for major-league Baseball. Yours, XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX ================================================ From owner-apo-l@vm.cc.purdue.edu Wed Sep 28 09:09:27 1994 Subject: I thought you all would need this... Sender: Alpha Phi Omega To: Multiple recipients of list APO-L Reply-To: "Jeremy J. Gagliardi" X-Envelope-To: adam@CS.CALTECH.EDU Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT NOTE: It just has to be done! ************************************************* *** Lot's of useless forwarding stuff deleted *** ************************************************* - - The original note follows - - Date: Mon, 12 Sep 94 09:01 EDT From: "Gerald M. Phillips, Ph.D." Subject: HUMOR Digest - Flame Form Letter To: QC-L@PSUVM.PSU.EDU, GMP3@PSUVM.PSU.EDU =============================================== Dear [ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus [ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] twerp [ ] comrade [ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer [ ] citoyen [ ] Geek [ ] grad student [ ] cur You are being gently flamed because. [ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread [ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to [ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads [ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities [ ] you advocated Net censorship [ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps) [ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group [ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article [ ] you threatened others with physical harm [ ] you made a bigoted statement(s) [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve [ ] you repeatedly shown lack of humor [ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every threat [ ] you are posting an anonymous attack >>> Thank you for the time you have taken to read this. Live n' Learn.<<< ------------------------------ I just thought this would help ease the tensions. Thanks go to Jonathan Alloy for posting the above form to APOSOC-L not too long ago. L8r, Jeremy Gagliardi /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\ /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\ | Alumnus & Section 84 |E-Mail: jeremyg@netsol.com | | Staff Representative of |Phone: 703-742-4839 (work)| | Alpha Gamma Chi chapter, | 301-983-0791 (home)| |Frostburg State University|Section 84 BBS: 301-299-3292 | | Frostburg, Maryland |aka "11th Hour BBS" 8-N-1 @ 19200bps| \________________________/ \__________________________________/ THE DISCLAIMER TO AVOID ALL CLAIMS (the _REALLY_ SHORT version): ******************** I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE!! ******************** > > Dear [ ] sir [X] twit [ ] clueless one [ ] great man on campus > > [ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] twerp [ ] comrade > > [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Elvis [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer > > [ ] citoyen [ ] Geek [ ] grad student [ ] Commie > > [ ] Republican [ ] Democrat [ ] Liberal [ ] Conservative > > [ ] Dilbert [ ] Dogbert [ ] Ratbert [ ] cur > > > > You are being gently flamed because: > > [X] you sent a remove-me-from-the-list message to the list > > (rather than the list-sever) > > [ ] you continued a boring, useless, stupid thread > > [ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to > > [ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads > > [ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities > > [ ] you advocated Net censorship > > [ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps) > > [ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group > > [ ] you posted the inanely stupid "Make Money Fast" article > > [ ] you posted the inanely stupid "$250 Cookie Recipe" article > > [ ] you posted the inanely stupid "Good Time Virus" warning. > > [ ] you posted an inanely stupid magic-weight loss article > > [ ] you posted an inanely stupid cheap s**t at high prices article > > [ ] you posted an inanely stupid "Fix Your Credit" article > > [X] you threatened others with physical harm > > [ ] you made one or more bigoted statements > > [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority > > [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve > > [ ] you repeatedly showed a lack of humor > > [ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread > > [ ] you are posting an anonymous attack > > [ ] you posted an obvious troll > > [ ] you responded to an obvious troll > > [ ] you responded to your own obvious troll > > [ ] you have a sig that is more than 5 lines long > > [ ] you have a sig with more than 4 lines of ASCII graphics > > [ ] you assumed that AOL/CIS/Prodigy founded the Internet > > [X] you neglected to do research on the chosen subject > > [X] you asked a question that was covered in the available FAQ > as well as at the bottom of EVERY FUCKING POST > > [ ] you redundantly covered the same point over & over, again > > [ ] you assumed that the Internet is a U.S.-only phenomenon > > [ ] you crossposted excessively > > [ ] you, in any way, sense, shape, or form, agreed with Senator Exon > > [ ] you used long lines, i.e. you didn't break up your lines after 60-70 > > characters, thereby making it hard to read or quote your post. > > [ ] You posted a request to send business/get well cards to a little > > boy with cancer who is trying to break the Guiness book record. > > [ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post. > > [ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post and your > > addition was "I agree" or "Me too." > > [ ] you barged into a quiet little news group/IRC channel/MUD/whatever and > > started stinking up the place just because you read an article about > > the news group/IRC channel/MUD/whatever in some magazine. > > [ ] you repeatedly requested info on where to find XXX stuff. > > [ ] you repeatedly harassed people with androgynous names like Chris, > > Jamie, or Rajhatmalhaban, with "Are you a girl?" or "M/F?" questions. > > [ ] you, in any way, sense, shape, or form, used the term(s) > > [ ] "infobahn" [ ] "Neutopia" [ ] "information superhighway" > > [ ] "warez" [ ] "SUX" [ ] "ROOLZ" [ ] KEWL/KOOL/K0oL > > [ ] "wymyn" [ ] Other annoying term: > > > > [ ] you discussed the following in a non-nutcase newsgroup; > > [ ] hollow earth theory [ ] alien President theory > > [ ] orbital mind control frisbees [ ] faith healing > > [ ] government weather control [ ] Russian psychics > > [ ] Squeaky Fromme [ ] robot spy bees > > [ ] sexually promiscuous space aliens [ ] "Manos, the Hands of Fate" > > [ ] Other: > > > > [ ] you considered the following to be reliable reference sources; > > [ ] Golden Books' "Exploring Science", printed 1955 > > [ ] Any program covered by Talk Soup [ ] SNL News > > [ ] Oliver Stone [ ] Hard Copy [ ] Inside Edition > > [ ] The National Enquirer [ ] The Sun [ ] NY Post > > [ ] The Union Leader [ ] Pravda [ ] OMNI Magazine > > [ ] Company Marketing Hype [ ] Microsoft [ ] The Simpsons > > [ ] An unidentified, but obviously stupid, person or publication > > [ ] Other: > > > > In the future, you may wish to; > > [X] read the "welcome to the list" message you received when you joined > > [ ] allow boring and useless threads to die > > [ ] remember that not all newsreaders are threaded > > [ ] recall that there are academic and commercial users on the net > > [X] remember that the Internet is multinational > > [ ] consider that others may know more about certain subjects than you > > [ ] exercise some humility > > [ ] be careful of where you are crossposting > > [ ] "lurk" without posting for a few days to learn the forum of a group > > [ ] take personal discussions or stupid/boring threads to email > > [X] get used to being mocked > > [ ] stop volunteering for Armed Forces pharmeceutical experiments > > [ ] rejoin your people on your planet of origin > > [ ] remove the pipe from your nether regions > > > > I would like like to suggest that, for the common good, you; > > [ ] wait at least two hours before responding to another post > > [X] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) list for the group > > [ ] learn to use the "kill" command to eliminate erroneous posts > > [ ] post only to alt.dev.null > > [ ] selectively respond to threads after reading all existing responses > > [ ] voluntarily apologize in a brief post > > [ ] shop for clues at a better clue shop > > [ ] no longer contribute to this newsgroup > > [ ] no longer contribute to any newsgroup > > [ ] no longer contribute to the gene pool > > [ ] look into the possibility of medication for the above problems > > [X] familiarize yourself with the history of the Internet > > [X] familiarize yourself with the concept of: > > [ ] patience [ ] tolerance > > [X] common courtesy [ ] succinctness > > [ ] vocabulary [X] higher brain functions > > [ ] Other: > > > > Please save this message and review it occasionally to determine > > your progress toward being; > > > > [ ] a useful member of Internet society > > [ ] a less-annoying member of Internet society > > [ ] a human being > > [ ] a fully-functional human being > > [X] a tolerable poster > > [ ] integrated into humanity > > [ ] re-integrated into the wild > > [ ] Other: > > > > Thank you for taking the time to read this form flame. > >