Jenny L Gagne: The Defcon States of Flamewar - A handy (humorous) charty 1993 01:47
 
                    THE DEFCON STATES OF FLAMEWAR 
                    ( Version 1.0 - May 19, 1993 )
                  According to jengagne@eng.umd.edu.
 
Meant in silliness; don't accept any flames in this list as opinions
of jengagne, merely parodies of real flamewars.
 
Please send submissions (minimum amount : five to prevent mailbox clutter) 
with appropriate defcon levels to the address above.
 
Flames regarding this list will probably be added to the list, actually...
 
DEFCON ONE - The initial replies, or the firestarter/flamebait
    "I'm not trying to (verb), but..."
    "Obviously, you..."
    "Isn't it true that..."
    "Well, it seems clear to ME that..."
    "I'm sure you'll agree that..."
    "All furries suck."
    "TS is morally reprehensible."
    "It supports this sound card only..."
    "Abortion..."
    "Truth hurts, doesn't it?"
    "Sorry to break it to you, but..."
    "(One) (Two) (Three) word(s)... (bad Dennis Leary impersonation)"
    "You're just envious of..."
    "Must you type in caps like that?"
 
DEFCON TWO - Sarcasm on, irritation mounts
    "Of course, this is (name) being a real..."
    "It's so typical of you..."
    "(anything with sarcasm)"
    "Maybe you should recheck your 'sources'..."
    "I'm not even gonna bother answering that question..."
    "Suuuuure, (name), suuuuure."
    "Ooo, that really hurts..."
    "Just what do you mean by..."
    "Don't you understand it yet?"
    "Flame shield on."
    "The burning!  Cruex!"
 
DEFCON THREE - Irritation overflows; temper bursts
    "We've gone over this a 1000 times, don't you GET it?"
    "Oh, here we go again, generalizing..."
    "Why don't you take this to some other newsgroup?"
    "Flames to /dev/null." 
    "(any comments about spelling and grammar)"
    "(any sentence with the word CLUELESS in it)"
    "(changing the name of the person in the reply line to put an 
      obscene nickname in, ie, Jim 'The Buttwipe' Johnson says...)"
    "May I call you stupid?  That's what you are... stupid."
    "You're another peice of evidence in the case for retroactive birth
      control."
 
DEFCON FOUR - Political insults are thrown; psychological warfare
    "You'd fit in real well in Nazi Germany..."
    "Here comes Mr. Bookburner..."
    "I just knew it..."
    "Of course, this is typical of liberal scum..."
    "Yaley!"
    "Hey, Hitler!"
    "You are clearly in denial..."
    "Hello?  Anybody home?"
    "We know you're secretly a member of (insert radical group)"
    "You have any proof behind that statement of yours?  Hmm?"
    "I thought I send you back to the fatherland?"
    "You're another one of those (anything), aren't you?"
    "Democrat!"
    "Republican!"
    "Merkin!"
    "(any racial insult)"
 
DEFCON FIVE - TOTAL, ALL OUT !@#$ING FLAME FEST!
    "Alright, now it's personal."
    "Listen, you little (real bad word)..."
    "Yo mamma!"
    "Suck my..."
    "Eat..."
    "Blow..."
    "Bite..."
    "Kiss my..."
    "And you KNOW I'm right." 
    "Who gives a..." 
    "Oh yeah?" 
    "...off."
    "...you." 
    "...moron."
    "...gimp." 
 
DEFCON SIX - Voices of reason and frustration interject
    "Can we please stop this pointless bickering?"
    "This is getting out of hand." 
    "Can't we all just get along?"
    "Go away, will you?"
    "All this whining is getting nowhere."
 
DEFCON SEVEN - The repeat clause
    "Despite repeated requests to move this discussion elsewhere, I'd just 
      like to make this one last point..."
 
(Repeat until flame participants die of old age.)
 
For further reference, please consult archives of the following flamewars :
"Kill Barney the Dinosaur!" - alt.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die
"A History of MUD" - rec.games.mud.*
"MoNtY pYtHoN dEmO fOr GUS!" - comp.sys.ibm.pc.soundcard
"Abortion : When does life BEGIN?" - various
"Did you know that..." - everywhere!
Anything by Joel Furr.
Anything on alt.flame.
 
(C)1993 Jengagne@eng.umd.edu