From: yxk9@po.CWRU.Edu (Yury Khidekel) Subject: College Food Date: 6 Mar 1993 17:09:06 GMT Compiled at a dull lunch table, with some help on the side from various gang members. I cannot list them right now as I am still under the influence of peanut butter brownie. Index: at Case Western Reserve, Marriot has the contract to work both cafeterias, of which the worst one is Luetner. The More Than Complete Guide to Surrviving Marriot: 1. If you have to look at the card to find out what it is, don't eat it. 2. If you guessed something completely different than what is on the card, don't eat it. 3. If you look at the the card and still don't know what it is, don't eat it. 3.5 If the card has both a Genus and a Species, DON'T EAT IT! 4. Anything of the color puse or blue or matching the walls of Luetner is out of the question--don't even smell it. 5. If it eats through your plate, don't eat it. 5.5 If it eats your plate and asks for more, run away! 6. If the steam off of it eats through the cieling, run away. 7. If it jumps off the table and yells Bonzai, run away. 8. If it yells "Food Fight" run away. 9. If it yells "please take me out of my missery", throw a fork in it and DON'T EAT IT 10. If it's culture has sufficiently advanced to the use of simple tools, don't eat it. 11. If you see it every day for a week, don't eat it and please don't date it. 12. If you think you like something, stop consumption immediatly, it's just the toxins eating into your brain. 13. If the smell gives you a nosebleed, don't eat it. 14. If the server is wearing radioactive protection gear, don't eat it. 15. If the server is being dragged into the pan by the entre, don't eat it. 16. If the server is wearing a Marriot uniform, don't eat it. 17. If the server has open sores all over his body, don't eat it. 17.5 If the server is drawing a pentegram and chanting in order to contain the entree, run away. 18. If you get the feeling McDonald's is healthier, don't eat it. 19. If you start reminicing about the great food in your high school cafeteria, don't eat it. 19.5 If there is a sudden, unexplained dissaperence of pigeons, pets, students, and/or faculty, run away. 20. If you get the feeling the decorations would taste better, leave dinning hall immediatly. 21. If you eat your fork and don't realize it until you go to take your tray up, get off the damn meal plan. 22. If you have to chew the water or mashed potatoes, don't eat it. 23. If you start spitting out teeth, don't eat it. 24. If it requires heavey shop machinery to cut, don't eat it. 25. If it qualifies for a senior citizen discount, don't eat it. 26. If it demands voting rights, don't eat it. 27. If it has a tatto, don't eat it. 28. If you see your dinner reaching for a fork, either grab a weapon or run as fast as you can. 29. If it develops cold fussion, don't eat it, sell it. 30. If all else fails, DON'T EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 30.5 If all else fails, DON'T TAUNT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 31. If you have to eat it, don't think about it. 32. If you have to eat it, for your own sanity's sake, try not to think of what it is made of. 33. If you have to eat it, try not to think where it came from or whose hands it has gone through. 34. Finally, if you have to eat it, don't do so while other people are watching. Corralleries to the law: The other dinning hall is always better (this is just the human mind's attempt at explaining Marriot and justifying its continued existence) The desert on the other side of the dinning hall is always better (this is because you don't have to look at it nearly as long and therefore have not fully contemplated what you are about to put in your mouth.) Marriot thinks college students only need to eat once a week or so-- have you seen the schedule for opening in January? Well, that's enough for now. I had damn well get off this computer. Forgive me if I have offended your stomachs.