From seppley@alumni.caltech.edu Sat Feb 11 11:38:51 1995 Subject: One-liners re: rednecks (fwd) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL22] Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Length: 6246 Forwarded message: >From bell@qdeck.com Fri Feb 10 11:17:13 1995 From: Russell Bell X-Mailer: SCO System V Mail (version 3.2) To: random@qdeck.com Date: Fri, 10 Feb 95 11:06:51 PST Message-Id: <9502101106.aa25741@angel.qdeck.com> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN... URA Redneck if: You ever cut your grass and found a car. URA Redneck if: You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. URA Redneck if: You think the stock market has a fence around it. URA Redneck if: Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater. URA Redneck if: Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. URA Redneck if: You own a homemade fur coat. URA Redneck if: Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. URA Redneck if: You burn your yard rather than mow it. URA Redneck if: Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." URA Redneck if: You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. URA Redneck if: The Salvation Army declines your mattress. URA Redneck if: You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. URA Redneck if: Birds are attracted to your beard. URA Redneck if: Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. URA Redneck if: You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. URA Redneck if: You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. URA Redneck if: You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. URA Redneck if: Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". URA Redneck if: You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. URA Redneck if: You've ever given rat traps as gifts. URA Redneck if: You clean your fingernails with a stick. URA Redneck if: Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. URA Redneck if: You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. URA Redneck if: Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. URA Redneck if: Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. URA Redneck if: Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. URA Redneck if: You've totaled every car you've ever owned. URA Redneck if: There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car. URA Redneck if: The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. URA Redneck if: There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. URA Redneck if: You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling monkeys. URA Redneck if: The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. URA Redneck if: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. URA Redneck if: You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. URA Redneck if: You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. URA Redneck if: You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. URA Redneck if: You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. URA Redneck if: You're considered an expert on wormbeds. URA Redneck if: Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." URA Redneck if: The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. URA Redneck if: You've ever bought a used cap. URA Redneck if: Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. URA Redneck if: You pick your teeth from a catalog. URA Redneck if: You've ever financed a tatoo. URA Redneck if: You've ever stolen toilet paper. URA Redneck if: You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. URA Redneck if: People hear your car a long time before they see it. URA Redneck if: The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. URA Redneck if: You prefer car keys to Q-tips. URA Redneck if: You take a fishing pole into Sea World. URA Redneck if: You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. URA Redneck if: You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. URA Redneck if: You think the French Riviera is foreign car. URA Redneck if: You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. URA Redneck if: You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. URA Redneck if: you have ever used lard in bed. URA Redneck if: you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves. URA Redneck if: you have ever spraypainted your girlfriends name on an overpass. URA Redneck if: you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment. URA Redneck if: your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. URA Redneck if: someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. URA Redneck if: the primary color of your car is bondo. URA Redneck if: directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road." URA Redneck if: your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. URA Redneck if: you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. URA Redneck if: you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. URA Redneck if: Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people. URA Redneck if: your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. URA Redneck if: you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug. URA Redneck if: you consider the fifth grade you senior year. URA Redneck if: you have a rag for a gas cap. URA Redneck if: the dog can't watch you eat without gagging. URA Redneck if: you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be. URA Redneck if: you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill. URA Redneck if: your brother-in-law is also your uncle. URA Redneck if: Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card. URA Redneck if: you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. URA Redneck if: your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. URA Redneck if: you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls. URA Redneck if: your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. URA Redneck if: your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs. URA Redneck if: the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill. URA Redneck if: your other truck is made by John Deere. URA Redneck if: you think suspenders are a type of shirt. URA Redneck if: going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight. URA Redneck if: you have one last dip and you keep it for 3 days. russell bell