To:     All Employees
Re:     New Retirement Plan

        As part of our continuing cost reduction effort, we are going
to reduce our number of employees by means of a new retirement plan.
Employees are being mailed a packet containing all of the details.
The highlights are presented here.

        Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,
thus permitting us to retain the younger employees that represent our
future.

        The program, which will go into effect immediately, will phase
out all of the older employees by the end of the current fiscal year.
The program shall be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

        Employees who are being Raped will be given the opportunity to
seek other  jobs within the company, provided that while they are
being Raped, they request  a review of their employment record before
actual retirement takes place.  This  phase of the plan is called
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

        All employees who are being Raped and Screwed are eligible for 
a review by higher management.  This will be called SHAFT (Study by
Higher Authority Following Termination).

        The provisions of this plan dictate employees may be Raped
once, Screwed  twice, but may get the Shaft as many times as the
company deems appropriate.

        Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the plan are
entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment
Service).  Herpes is considered  a bonus plan since employees who have
Herpes will no longer be Raped or Screwed by the company.

        However, if management is not satisfied with your performance
after you have been Screwed and given the Shaft, you will be put on
AIDS (Active Immediate  Dismissal Status).  If you are put on Aids,
you will not be entitled to Herpes.

        It is now, and always has been, the policy of this company to
insure that  the employees are well trained.  To accomplish this, a
new program called SHIT  (Special High Intensity Training) will be put
into effect.  With this program, our company will be able to give our
employees more Shit than any other company.

        If an employee feels that he or she is not being given enough
Shit on the job, or that they could advance to another position by
taking more Shit, please see your supervisor.

P.S.  With the personality some people display around here, they
could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming
(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).