"BILL OF RIGHTS, NEW AND IMPROVED"
or
"Democracy: Let's call the whole... thing... off."
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By John Perry Barlow
Revised by Patrick Denoli
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AMENDMENT I.
Congress shall encourage the practice of Judeo-Christian religion
by its own public exercise thereof and shall make no laws
abridging the freedom of responsible speech, unless such speech
is in a digitized form or contains material that is copyrighted,
classified, proprietary, or deeply offensive to non-Europeans,
non-males, differently-abled or alternatively preferenced
persons; or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, unless
such assembly is taking place on corporate or military property
or within an electronic environment; or to petition the
government for a redress of grievances, unless those grievances
relate to national security.
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AMENDMENT II.
A well-regulated Militia having become outlawed de facto by
suspicion, and seen to be in direct conflict with the overall
security of the State, the right of the people to keep and bear
arms shall be determined source and cause of social conflict,
thereby easing the moral obligation of life-term representitives
to examine the economic and educational grounds for criminal
activity.  In instances where one or more persons finds illegal
use for such weapons, they shall be banned outright.  Weapons
affordable by the poor will be viewed as a threat to those in the
ruling class, and banned.
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AMENDMENT III.
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house,
without the consent of the owner, unless that house is thought to
have been used for the distribution of illegal substances.
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AMENDMENT IV.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses,
papers, and effects against unreasonable seizures may be
suspended to protect public welfare.  Upon the unsupported
suspicion of law-enforcement officials, any place or conveyance
shall be subject to immediate search, and any such places or
conveyances or property within them may be permanently
confiscated without further judicial proceeding.  Any attempt to
refuse casual rummaging of papers or effects will be assumed to
be an admission of guilt, and grounds for a formal confiscation
of those items or posessions, regardless. 
AMENDMENT V.
Any person may be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise
infamous crime involving illicit substances, terrorism, or upon
any suspicion whatever; and may be subject to be twice put in
jeopardy of life or limb, once by the state courts and again by
the federal judiciary; and may be compelled by various means,
including the forced submission of breath samples, bodily fluids,
or encryption keys to be a witness against himself, refusal to do
so constituting an admission of guilt, and may be deprived of
life, liberty, or property without further legal delay; and any
private property thereby forfeited shall be dedicated to the
discretionary use of law enforcement agents without just
compensation.
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AMENDMENT VI.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right
to a speedy and private plea-bargaining session before pleading
guilty.  He is entitled to the assistance of underpaid and
indifferent counsel to negotiate his sentence, except where such
sentence falls under federal mandatory sentencing requirements.
In cases reaching the bench of the Supreme Court of Justice,
guilt or innocence is no longer an issue; innocent parties may be
put to death, so long as prosecution has successfully defended
its position to be constitutional.
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AMENDMENT VII.
In suits at common law, where the contesting parties have nearly
unlimited resources to spend on legal fees, the right of trial by
jury shall be preserved.  Self-representaion, as it fails to
support the legal industry, will be seen as grounds of
instability, and held in contempt.
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AMENDMENT VIII.
Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous
criminals will remain in custody, where cruel and unusual
punishments are usually inflicted.
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AMENDMENT IX.
The enumeration in The Constitution of certain rights shall not
be construed to deny or disparage others which may be retained by
the government to persue whatever political goals under the guise
of social mandate for the preservation of civil order, family
values, or national security.
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AMENDMENT X.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution
are reserved to the Departments of Justice and Treasury, except
when the states are willing to forsake federal financing.