*start* 21671 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:21:02 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.1 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* So there were these three "strings" that were really great buddies. They did everything together. One day they were walking down the street when they happened upon a bar. All being rather thirsty, they deceided to go in and have a cool one. Well, just as they were about to walk in the door, they noticed a sign in the window that said, "NO STRINGS SERVED HERE!". Needless to say they were a bit upset by this. But, the first string, being rather bold, said to his friends, "You guys wait here, and I'll go in and `feel' the place out and if it's OK I'll come out and get you, K?" This seemed like a good plan so they all agreed. The first string went in and sat down at the bar. As soon as he got there, the bartender noticed him and came over. The barterder said to the first string, "Say, your a string, arn't you?" To which the first string replied, "Wellll, yes..". In a very loud voice the bartender said, "YOU GET OUT OF HERE, we don't serve your kind in here!!!!". So the first string went back outside to talk to his friends and tell them of his expirence. After hearing the story the second string says, "Well, obviously you just wern't forceful enough in there." Standing up straight and tall, the second string walks into the bar, sits down at the counter and says, "Hey, bartender, how 'bout gettn' me a beer?". The bartender came over, looked the second string up and down, and said, "Hey, buddy, we don't serve your kind in here. Get out-a here!!". So the the second string left the bar and went outside and told his two friends what had happened. After hearing the story, the third string said, "Well, you need to be cool about the whole thing, just watch this...". The third string pulled a little comb out of his pocket, combed the little tuff on the top of his knot, and walked in. He sashaied (sp) up to the bar and said, "Say, bartender, I'ed like a beer, please." The bartender came over, looked at the third string and said, "Hey, wait a minute, your a string arn't you?" To which the third string replied, "Oh no, I'm afraid not!" (or a frayed knot!!) ******************************************************************************* TUBES An 8-foot fluourescent light in a New York City office burned out, and the Big Boss said, `Fix it'. Naturally the job fell to the low man on the T.P., who obtained a new one and replaced the burned-out one without too much trouble. All he had to do now was throw out the old one. He took it out into the alley and tossed it in a dumpster. One of the building's janitors saw him and said, `You can't put that there. There's poisonous stuff in it and it's against the law.' He tried to sneak it into somebody else's dumpster but didn't get away with it. So, pretty soon he was walking down the sidewalk with a burned-out 8-foot fluourescent tube in one hand wondering how the hell he could get rid of it. It wouldn't fit in a trash can and after the `poisonous' warning he wasn't about to break it. Finally he got on a subway to try and find a dump. Picture a New York subway. How do you carry an 8-foot-long glass tube on the subway? You stand it on end and hold onto it. Pretty soon somebody else grabbed on, and presently there were four or five people holding onto the light. The man thought about it for a minute and....got off at the next stop! As far as anybody knows that light tube is still on the subway somewhere. ******************************************************************************* --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------Canonical (sort of) List of Father Goose Stories---------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and redied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his one squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight ( this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in ). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other kingdoms. I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. [this flows much better I think] ******************************************************************************* It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide. I guess *THIS* shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides. ******************************************************************************* There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. His first day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got the bus, and set off on his route. At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said, "Hi. My name is Patty." The driver replied, "Hi, Patty. Please take a seat." At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier than the first. She got on and said, "Good morning! My name's Patty." The driver answered, "Good morning. Please sit down." At the third stop there was a little boy waiting. He was dressed in a white shirt and tie, and a suit with a vest, and he had a calculator holster on his belt. He said, "Hi. My name is Ross, and I'm special!" The driver wasn't impressed, but he managed a smile and said, "Please sit down, Ross." The fourth stop rewarded the driver with a grubby little boy with dirty jeans and torn sneakers. He got on the bus and said, "My name is Lester Cheese." The driver replied, "Please take a seat, Lester." Well, he's driving along and he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees that Lester Cheese has taken off his sneakers and is scratching at his foot. The driver pulls the bus over to the side of the rode, stops it, and says, "I can't take this any longer! I've got two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus! ******************************************************************************* A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kindgom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful. Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind of thing) to fetch it. The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king's castle. The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked! The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened, hid until nightfall. When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle. Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers. ******************************************************************************* Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.) After having walked half the night with the heavy throne between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself, let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was "hid" in the farmer's attic. Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed the pages. The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer and his wife. Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. ******************************************************************************* When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as follows: king: Where is the throne? count: I cannot tell you. king: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his head! count: (as the axe is swinging down...) Ok! I will tell you! THWACK!!! Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. ******************************************************************************* Our Hero was travelling through the mountains on his quest for the Holy Grail, when a fierce storm blew up and his steed caught some horsey sickness. He hied to a monastary, and asked the abbot for a replacement, citing their loyalty to God. It was the winter season, and nightfall was approaching as they looked through the stables. All of the other horses were sneezing a coughing also, until they came to a stable, where a large shaggy dog story(oops) resided. The knight asked for him, to which the abbot replied, "Oh, no, it is still stormy and getting dark. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this." ******************************************************************************* An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, the players and their entourages retire to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player. The argument gets loud, each player claiming that he is the greatest chess player of all time. One security guard in the lobby turns to the other and says: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. (forgive me . . .) ******************************************************************************* Buster Crab and Sam Clam were the best of friends for years, and every evening one could find Buster in Sam's bar down by the beach. Finally, Buster passed on and went to heaven. There, he was a model citizen, but he longed for the companionship of his pal, Sam. So the next Christmas, Buster was approached by God who asked him why he wasn't happy. Buster explained that although heaven was a pretty nice place and the halo and wings were real swell, he missed Sam and wished he could go back and spend just one more night in his bar by the beach. God recalled how good Buster had been, and told him that he could spend New Year's with Sam in his bar. "However," God cautioned, "things have changed since you were there last. In order to keep up with the times, Sam has converted his place to a disco. Still, if you wish, you may spend New Year's eve with your old buddy, but be sure not to drink and take good care of your wings, harp and halo." Buster was ecstatic and spend the next week practicing his chops on the harp and polishing his halo. Then the big eveing arrived and poof! there he was beside Sam in his disco. Well, they had a great time talking of old times and dancing and singing and playing. After a while, the temptation to have a drink proved too great for Buster, and he imbibed. So did the rest of the party and the night got progressively wilder until morning found everyone sleeping it off on the furniture and floors of the disco. His time up, Buster was transported poof! back to heaven. God saw him, bleary eyed, halo dented and slipping off to one side, wings in disarray, and well, you get the picture. God gives him an ice bag and asks what happened. "Buster! You've been at the bottle, haven't you? Look at you wings! Look at that halo! And where is you golden harp?" To which Buster replies, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco." (better sung) ******************************************************************************* Isaac Asimov did this one best; the story concerns a man, Mr. Stein, who robs a bank, jumps into a time machine, and re-emerges seven years later (after the statute of limitations has expired). They arrest him anyway, but the judge's verdict is "A niche in time saves Stein." ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time, in Days of Yore, which is located in a rather backwoods area of the country, there lived a remarkably innocent young man named Nathaniel. Now Nathaniel, or Nate, as he was often called, one day came of age, and his oppressive and none too dutiful legal guardians just turned him out into the street, as it were. Before giving him the boot, however, they did take the trouble to inform him that he was, in fact, the heir to what was locally considered a sizable fortune in rural real estate. This comparatively immense farm tract was being held for him and currently managed by a man who turned out to be a rather distant cousin, but who was kindly and surprisingly helpful, eventually doing most of what needed to be done to start Nate out in business on the farm. Very shortly afterward, however, the cousin died, leaving Nate alone with little experience and very few ideas. Poor Nate was absolutely in a quandary as to what sort of reliable cash crop to plant on his land. He had heard that one or two of his neighbors were raising a certain (shall we say) ``herb'', whose production was said to be uncommonly lucrative. Our hero wasn't really into haute cuisine, though, so in search of an expert opinion, he consulted a local soothsayer, an elderly woman whose character was completely beyond question, if you follow my meaning. At the urging afforded by about a third of Nate's annual income, she gazed vacantly into her crystal ball for most of an hour, until she finally intoned, SOW ROPE, NATEY-O! [A pun on "No Soap, Radio", as pointed out by griffith@hpfclt (Dan Griffith), which is also pretty obscure.] ******************************************************************************* There was this person who owned a bluish coloured volvo. It was a '72, however, making it quite old and even volvos don't last forever. When he was driving home one afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mount, his wife brought up the subject of buying a new car. "Well, I've really grown partial to this car, dear." "But, honey, that car is going to fall apart any minute." The argument went on for a while and the husband finally agreed that he would buy a new car, but he would only buy another bluish coloured volvo. It had to have the exact shade of blue or he wasn't interested. And so, his quest began. "Nope. Areyou sure they're made in that colour?" asked all the volvo dealers in New York. He went to Connecticut and received the same line. He went to Rhode Island, only to hear "Nope. Had one last week. Couldn't sell it, so we gave it to a junk dealer." The man ran to the junk dealer just in time to see the car of his dreams crushed. He travelled through Vermont. "Nope. Can't get one here." He tried New Hampshire. "I don't think they make them." He went into Maine. "I don't have one, but Charlie might. He's the volvo dealer up in Caribou." Anyone ever told you about Caribou, Maine? It is freezing up there. It is in the middle of nowhere. Now, at this point, a large storm system was moving into the area and the husband was trapped in the storm. Two days later the dealer arrived at his shop and found this guy standing by the door. When the dealer opened the door the husband saw it. Right in the middle of the showroom was his bluish coloured volvo. Perfect! He told the man of his quest, gave him the money, and was about to leave when the dealer asked "Why did you spend so much time searching for this coloured volvo? Why did it have to be this sort of bluish colour?" The husband smiled and said, as he drove off, "Well, ther's something about an aqua volvo, man..." ******************************************************************************* There was once a young man who was very fond of illicit vegetable matter that is commonly smoked to get high. Anyway, one day, while he was cleaning his stash of extremely potent stuff ( high oil content) he was called to the phone. His friend, who had already consumed a great portion of the matter thought he would help out in the cleaning. Unfortunately, he was new to the game so he tried to separate the stems and seeds by cleaning the pot with a soap solution. Needless to say, when the hero of our story returned from the phone he was extremely upset, to say the least. However, he didn't have time to cry since the phone call informed him that his wife's car had broken down and he had to go out to help her fix it. He scooped up the messy bag of soapy resinous cannabis and drove out to the broken down car. When he arrived he immediately realized that the car had run out of oil. Unfortunately, he didn't have any oil, but he did have the bag of greasy marijuana. He put the wet pot into the cars engine and started up the car. It ran fine until it exploded a quarter mile down the road. There is a moral. You know what it is? - A washed pot never oils. ******************************************************************************* A philanthropist decides to donate his prize dolphins to the local zoo. Upon making his donation, he reveals that the dolphins can be kept alive indefinitely by feeding them live myna birds. The zoo, not happy with the prospect of depleting their myna bird collection, decides to send an expedition to Africa to pick up some of the birds. The bird seekers land their helicopter in a large clearing in the middle of the jungle, and go off to seek their prey. They search all the trees, the myna bird bars, the bird baths; in short, all the places myna birds hang out. When they get back to the clearing, they discover that a pride of lions has taken up residence there. As the lions all appear very sleepy, they decide to tiptoe their way back to the safety of their helicopter. But, alas, when they get back to the helicopter, the game warden pops out and writes them a citation for "Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises." ******************************************************************************* An explorer on safari through Africa discovers a magnificently plumed bird known as a Raree. The bird is near death from exhaustion and starvation brought about by a combination of poachers and climatic changes which have turned its once-friendly environment into a death-trap. The bird is uncharacteristically docile, and does not flee from the explorer when he approaches it. The explorer had believed the Raree birds were an extinct species; and so to save the creature from an environment which has become hostile, and to preserve the species, he brings it back with him to the United States. Proper feeding and warmth bring the bird around to its normal behavior. Far from being docile, the Raree bird reverts to being a pain in the ass. It tears open the refrigerator with its beak and rummages around for food. It overturns garbage cans and rummages around for food. Its instinctive loudness and viciousness reassert themselves, and the explorer finds himself gradually losing his mind. He decides to do away with the Raree, figuring that if nature had wanted the species to survive, it would have given the birds better survival skills. He loads the Raree into a pickup truck and drives to a high cliff. He has put drugs into the bird's morning feed so it is docile. He binds its wings and hauls it over to the edge of a 300-foot-high cliff overlooking the ocean. The bird opens its eyes, looks down, and says to the explorer: "It's a long way to tip a Raree." *start* 26857 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:22:19 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.2 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* there was a russian man named rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. one evening rudolph and his wife, helga, were walking along, and it begins to snow. "my, my, look at the lovely snow," said helga. "no, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied rudolph. "no, no, no, this is snow," she said. "look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him." rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said "is it raining or snowing?" the gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?" rudolph replied, "raining." and the gaurd said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!" so rudolph and helga went walking off. the gaurd could just barely hear the KGB official say: "RUDOLPH, THE RED, KNOWS RAIN, DEAR" ******************************************************************************* Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but ,alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!" "What for ?",the mad scientist asked. And the answer was: For making an obscene clone fall. ******************************************************************************* A traveling-salesman type was opening up new sales territories in Africa. One day he fell ill. Since he was a man of action, he sought immediate medical attention. Even though the only nearby facility was a witch doctor, he went to see the man. The witch doctor looked him over, then cut a long, thin strip from a piece of leather and gave it to the man, saying, "Chew on this, and by the time it's all gone, you'll feel better." As mentioned, the salesman was a man of action, so he spent the rest of the day chewing on the piece of leather. Nonetheless, he didn't feel better, in fact, as you might imagine, he felt worse. So he went back to the witch doctor and said, "Doctor, the thong is ended but the malady lingers on!" ******************************************************************************* Two guys were stranded on a desert island. The only way they could get food was to kill sea birds by throwing rocks at them. By the time they were rescued, ... They had left no tern unstoned. ******************************************************************************* Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids. The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delagation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain. The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied: "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!" ******************************************************************************* During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George ("Blood 'n' Guts") Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo. He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy. So he issued an order to place copies of the New York "Times" immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops. In this way the men could keep their feet dry. His staff was mystified. Why the "Times"? Why not the New York "Daily News"? Patton was adamant; and one did not argue with the General. As five tons of old copies of the "Times" were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents: "THESE ARE THE 'TIMES' THAT DRY MEN'S SOLES." ******************************************************************************* Henry the Plantationer was the Lord of the best flower plantation in all the land, but he had lost his family's corner on the market of fleur de lis (hard won by his father). This loss enraged his cousin Richard, a nasty, deformed, but clever man who was lord of the fields of white roses, and who raised 400 pound attack boars for a hobby. Henry's other cousins, who lorded over the fields of red roses were merely annoyed. They felt that Henry was a good man. He was a quiet visionary gentleman, with a good raport with the heavenly father. As time passed, Richard's fury grew, and he openly proclaimed that he, not Henry should run the plantation. This of course caused many bad feelings. These feelings came to a head one spring evening, when Henry was hosting a fancy feast, with all of the local royalty attending except (for obvious reasons) Richard. When this fest was in full swing, Richard burst in, with five of his biggest most viscious attack boars. And they tore up the feast, and the people turning it into a grotesque study of blood and flesh. When this was done and only Richard and a few others were left alive, Gruesome Richard proclaimed "Now is the dinner of our wistful gent wrent gory assunder by this ton of pork !" [A few people didn't get this one. The story draws from several Shakespeare Histories and the saying from his Richard the Third, "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this Son of York."] ******************************************************************************* There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers. At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show. Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus. As they rode down the highway, you could here their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles. At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and it's name was Peter. That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus. The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere. The next day, the headline in the paper read "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers". ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time there was a flock of geese. Like all geese, they would fly south for the winter and north for the summer. And, like all geese, they would fly in one of those impressive "V" formations with the lead gander out in front. Well, it seems that there was one goose named DeeDee (or Dee for short), who had a great deal of difficulty following the lead gander's instructions. Maybe it was due to a mechanical defect in her (sorry ladies) wings, or maybe it was just brain damage due to flying through polluted air. At any rate, when the flock would turn right, Dee would fly the other way, often crashing into the other geese in the formation. Needless to say, this spoiled a great looking formation and proved to be *very embarrassing*. In order to take care of the problem, the lead gander told her that she would have to fly at the end of the formation, thus avoiding any mid-air crashes and saving the lead gander much face. When describing the problem and his solution to it, the lead gander told a reporter from the Audobon Society magazine: "Dee, who flaps last, flaps left" ******************************************************************************* Once there was a great (or almost great) pitcher by name of Melvin Famie. Like so many others, though, Melvin got old and lost his touch. He was such a boost to the spirit of the team, however, that the manage- ment could justify keeping him on the bench just to offer "Hooray!"s. Melvin, not having to work terribly hard at his new job, took to sipping a wee bit o' the malt punch at games to keep HIS spirits up, so he could keep his teammates' spirits up. Well, they were hard at work in a long, drawn-out battle with their cross-state rivals when the manager realized that they were out of relief pitchers, out of pinch-hitters, and the poor fool on the mound was looking for a pounding. He called our hero off the bench to pitch the top of the ninth, and Mel, on his way up the steps from the dugout, groped back for not only his glove, but five or six cans of brew, which he stuffed into his shirt on his way to the mound. Needless to say, Mel had a very hard time locating the catcher from the heights of the mound, and did all the damage required for a loss of the game by the time the manager swapped him with the right-fielder. When the inning was finally over, Mel collapsed against the fence next to the home-team bullpen, and snored his way happily through the uneventful bottom of the ninth. A youngster on the opposing team, totally amazed to have seen such in "The Majors", inquired of one of his fellows about the hulk up against the fence. "That's the great Melvin Famie", said his elder. "What's the bulge in his shirt?" asked the tyro. The reply? "That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us." ******************************************************************************* Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him. This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game. ******************************************************************************* Late in the previous century, the well-known folklorist Vivian McNabb was collecting ballads and tales in the Scottish Highlands, and found a previously unknown musical instrument, something in the lyre-lute-dulcimer range. It was sitting unused as a family heirloom, and the family who owned it no longer knew exactly how it should be tuned or played, nor did anyone else in the region. McNabb purchased it, and showed it in every village he passed through. Nobody could give him completely accurate information, and nobody could tune it or play it, but some clues began to fall in place. Several people mentioned Seamus O'Pernokkety, who lived in Ireland, as a great authority on stringed instruments. McNabb determined to go over and consult Seamus. (Insert shaggy description of McNabb's difficult travels, and the frustrating search for Seamus O'Pernokkety.) Finally, weak and confused, McNabb stumbled up to the door of the cabin at the top of the steep hill. Success at last! Seamus recognized the instrument, and agreed to tune it and teach McNabb how to play, but only if McNabb would serve as his apprentice for a full year. (Insert description of McNabb's arduous year of servitude at the feet of his musical guru.) When the year was up, Seamus took the instrument out of the cupboard, spent the rest of the day tuning it up, and played all night and all the next day. It was the most remarkable, beautiful tone McNabb had ever heard. He stayed on another month, until he too had some proficiency at playing. At last they parted. McNabb skipped and jumped down the hill, exulting in his newfound skill in playing the instrument, and in the precious object itself. So unbridled was he in his joyous carriage, that he tripped and fell, and went tumbling arse-over-teacup down into a ravine. A large boulder finally broke his fall, and also his leg. The instrument, however, did not seem to be damaged. But when he tried to play it, it proved to be badly out of tune, and he could wring from it nothing but harsh discords. There was no help for it: he painfully crawled all the way back up the terrible hill, arriving at Seamus's cottage late that evening. "Oh, Seamus, the most terrible thing has happened!" he gasped out, and explained about his accident. "Please, maestro, help me in my despair. Retune the instrument! And perhaps do something about my leg, if you can." "Certainly, McNabb, I can set your leg, and you're welcome to food and lodging while it mends. But I hope you realize I can't work on that instrument again." "But why not? Please, you must." "No, I cannot. I thought it was well known: O'Pernokkety tunes but once." ******************************************************************************* Here's one I didn't see in the canonical collection a while back. Though it's probably my favorite I didn't make it up; I saw it in Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine a few years ago. It goes something like this: In the 23rd century the solar system was wracked by constant warring between the fragmented states of the Asteroid Belt. Particularly successful in these wars was one tribe (I'll call them Joes) which managed to total up a surprising war record despite its amazingly primitive weaponry through sheer ferocity. After having dispatched a fleet from a rival nation (call them Jacks), the Joe general went over to his adversary's flagship to sign a treaty of peace. After the diplomatic niceties were taken care of, the Jack general (who had been wounded in the previous day's fighting) took a moment of his time to talk shop and mention his injury. Their exchange follows: (this line intentionally not left blank) Said the Jack general, "What was that laser you sawed me with last night?" Came the reply, "That was no laser--that was my knife!" ******************************************************************************* It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life. One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant. The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused. So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get the friars to consent, but finally they asked Hugh, the town blacksmith, (undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town. Your waiting for the moral... Can you guess? "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!" ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time, there was an old Chinese man who lived in an even older shop in a back alley of San Francisco's Chinatown. Mr. Chan (for that was the name by which he was known to his neighbors) ran an Oriental novelty store. He stocked all of the standard Far Eastern trinkets, such as paper kites shaped like fish, cheap imitation silk kimonos, Japanese lanterns, chopsticks, and so on, but both his heart and his profit were in his collection of wooden figurines. Fortunate contacts, mostly relatives in Taiwan, had given him access to the finest woods of the Orient, and the most skilled carvers. His greatest treasures were tiny statuettes, no bigger than your thumb, carved from teak wood. These were totally unique to his establishment, for he had a cousin who owned the finest stand of teak trees in Burma, and, his greatest secret, a distant relative by marriage was a blind sculpter who specialized in carving these miniatures. Mr. Chan's statues had made him rather well known among connoisseurs of Oriental curiosities, and provided him with a comfortable living. Mr. Chan's life had continued undisturbed for years, and all seemed most serene. Every day he would come down from his bedroom above the shop, unlock the door, and wait for business. He would sell a few cheap knicknacks to tourists, and, perhaps once a month, a buyer would arrive to look over his collection of statuettes. Such a special customer would receive Mr. Chan's full attention, and they would talk for hours about the finer points of Oriental carving. Usually the visit would end with a sale, and Mr. Chan would retire happily to his bed. One day, though, disaster struck. Mr. Chan came downstairs, and discovered that his store had been vandalized! The door was ripped right off of its hinges and lay 20 feet down the street. Paper lanterns were ripped apart, coolie hats smashed to straw, and some fine, delicate Japanese screens were riddled with holes. But worst of all, the glass display case in which Mr. Chan kept his figurines had been shattered, and all of the figurines were stolen! Mr. Chan, though momentarily shocked, was made of stern stuff. He called the police at once, and consoled himself that, wise businessman that he was, he was fully insured. While this was meager compensation for the loss of his beloved statues, he hoped that the police would be able to recover them. The police, however, despite a painstaking search, could discover but one clue: tiny, muddy, childlike footprints leading from the door to the display case. The police suspected a youth gang, but could find no further evidence. Mr. Chan was forced to disappoint several of his regular customers while waiting for the next shipment of statues from Taiwan, but they finally arrived, and Mr. Chan was very excited, for these were even finer than any he had previously received. He carefully arranged them in his display case (he had, of course, replaced the broken one), looked over them with pride, and retired for the night, secure in the knowledge that his new burglar alarm system would protect them. In the middle of the night, Mr. Chan was jolted to consciousness by the sudden blare of the alarm. He wrapped a robe around himself and rushed downstairs, but too late! The display case was again smashed, the statues gone, and a set of wet. muddy, miniscule footprints lead out of the shattered door. Mr. Chan attempted to give chase, but failed to catch the culprits. The police were again unable to turn up any clues but the childlike footprints, which seemed particularly incongruous in the face of the fact that Mr. Chan's brand new steel reinforced door had been burst open seemingly without effort. Mr. Chan had lost confidence in San Francisco's finest. He replaced the security precautions, making them even stronger, but determined to take direct action. Thus, when the next shipment of statuettes arrived some months later, delayed by a blight on the Burmese teak groves and a typhoon in the China Sea, Mr. Chan had a plan of action. He placed the figurines in the new display case and concealed himself behind a curtain made of plastic beads, and waited, ancient Chinese arquebus loaded and at the ready. Any thief who dared to venture into his store tonight would be in for a nasty surprise! The hours passed. Mr. Chan, despite good intentions, dropped off to sleep and the arquebus slipped off of his lap and slid behind a large pile of Javanese sandals. Then, all of a sudden there was a tremendous ripping noise, followed closely by the high pitched scream of the burglar alarm! Mr. Chan leaped to his feet, clutching for his weapon, but he could not find it! The lights, activated by the alarm system, flashed on, revealing to Mr. Chan a sight which made his blood freeze. Running quickly towards the display case, in a crouch to get through the low door, was a tremendous grizzly bear. Saliva dripped from its yellowed fangs and Mr. Chan was almost overcome by the greasy stench of its fur. Despite its huge size, the bear moved swiftly, almost delicately...on little tiny feet no bigger than those of a ten year old child. The bear reached the display case and, with a single swipe of its fearsome paw, smashed the security glass. It reached inside and rather clumsily gathered up all of the figurines. Then, with an almost balletic move, it spun round on its tiny feet and prepared to leave the store, no more than ten seconds after it had entered. Mr. Chan was momentarily unnerved by the sudden appearence of the bear, but the courage of generations of Chinese warriors flowed in his veins, brought to the fore by the desecration and theft of his most prized possesions. Taking no head for his personal safety, caring not at all that he was frail and unarmed, he leaped out from behind the bed curtain and, in a voice so filled with outrage that it even overcame the screaming sirens of the burglar alarm system, shouted: "Stop right where you are, boyfoot bear with teak of Chan!" ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of the Pearls, there lived an extremely cultured pearl named Michael. Michael was a pearl of high ideals and great aspirations, and, in the hopes of better serving his fellow pearls, he went to law school, graduated, and opened a legal clinic. He became well known for his charitable services to less fortunate pearls. But alas, after a few years, he began to burn out. He paid less and less attention to his cases. Eventually, he dropped out completely and became a beachcomber, spending his days lying on the strand with grains of sand sticking to his filthy, unwashed body. And his relatives, filled with sorrow at this sight, all chanted, A gritty pearl is Michael, LLD. ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time there was this bum named Benny. Benny didn't have a dime, except when he could beg one off of somebody, and he lived by sifting through garbage heaps looking for discarded items which could still be sold to a pawnbroker for a few cents. On day, as he was looking through the city dump, he came upon an old-fashioned Arabian Nights style lamp. It was pretty beat up, and Benny didn't think he could get much for it, so he was about to discard it. Then he thought, "Well, if I knocked out some of the dents and polished it up a bit, maybe Sam the Pawnbroker would give me a quarter for it." So Benny rubbed it against his sleeve to see if it would polish up without too much work. Lo and behold, a huge cloud of tastefully colored smoke billowed forth from the lamp and formed itself into a gigantic genie. Benny cowered in awe, until the genie bellowed: "Oh, Master, I am the genie of the lamp, and I am yours to command. I will grant you any wish, any desire you may have. Nothing is beyond my power. I can make you rich. I can make you famous. I can make beautiful women fall in love with you. I can make the networks put "Star Trek" back on the air. But I am an eccentric genie, and, if all of this is to be yours, you must do one thing!" Benny, knowing a good deal when he hears one, says, "What must I do, oh genie?" And the genie replied, "It is a simple thing, a trifle really, but I must insist upon it. You must never again, under any circumstances and for any reason, shave your beard. If you let your whiskers grow, I will serve you faithfully and grant your every desire. But should you ever shave again, I will strike you with a lightning bolt, reducing your body to ashes, which I will then store in a gawdy funeral urn alongside the remains of all of my former faithless masters in a cave in the vicinity of Damascus." Benny, being a bum, didn't shave very often anyway, so this sounded like a pretty good deal, and he agreed. He wished for wealth, and, lo and behold, he was wealthy. He wished to become powerful, and he was immediately elected to the board of directors of seven companies and named Time's Man of the Year. Then he met Sally. Sally was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and the moment he saw her, he knew that she was the only woman for him. As the genie had promised, Sally fell in love with him. However, despite her love, she refused to marry him, because she had been frightened at an early age by a picture of George Bernard Shaw and refused to have anything to do with a bearded man. Benny was inconsolable. As he thought about it, he recalled that, except for that first meeting, the genie had never mentioned a word about not shaving. Besides, now that Benny had everything he wanted, he could keep the genie in the lamp and it would never know that he'd shaved. So, he got out a razor, ran some hot water, lathered up, and shaved. While he was at it, he felt a bit apprehensive, but nothing seemed to be happening, so he went ahead. Just as he zipped off the last whisker, a lightning bolt shot out of the clear blue sky, burst through the roof of his penthouse, struck him dead center, and burned him to ashes. The genie then issued forth from the lamp, wearing an apron and carrying a little dustpan and a wiskbroom. It swept up the ashes, deposited them in a mauve and puce urn of indescribably ugliness, sealed it, and flew off to Damascus to deposit out poor hero in his final resting place. Which just goes to show that, a Benny shaved is a Benny urned. *start* 24315 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:23:10 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.3 To: cc: , Cate3 ****************************************************************************** In brief, Roy Rogers gets a new pair of boots, but a mountain lion eats the boots. To get even, Roy chases (insert colorful description as needed) and kills (after long fight - to be described in vivid detail) the lion, and returns carrying the lion back to camp. When he returns, Dale Evans exclaims, "Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes." ****************************************************************************** There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here: they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest, juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes. What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize your berries, not to appraise them." ******************************************************************************* Hans and Gretchen were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbour. They decide to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest (chat, have a smoke or whatever). Gretchen, in her infinite boredom, suggests to Hans, ``While we walk to the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the slats?'' Hans replies, ``Ja, sehr gut, I will count the slats, and you will count the slits.'' So the couple merrily troops down the dock. Hans counts, ``One slat!'' Gretchen counts, ``One slit!'' ``Two slats!'' ``Two slits!'' And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually Hans and Gretchen approach the end of the dock. ``327 slats!'' ``327 slits!'' ``328 slats!'' They reach the end of the dock. Gretchen is puzzled. ``Hans! There are no more slits! What does it mean?'' Hans turns to Gretchen and says (brace yourselves), ``When you're out of slits, you're out of pier!'' ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4. 'Four times!' exclaimed the first girl, why so many? So the other girl said: 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.' 'Oh my gosh, that's terrible' the first girl said. 'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.' 'Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!' 'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.' 'Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?' 'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.' 'And what does your present husband do for a living?' 'He's a mortician.' 'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?' 'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand... One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... And four to go!' ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom in which the king was fond of history and ancient things. He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions. One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings, obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc. The general population, of course, could make neither head nor tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in modern, currently accepted prose. In other words, We can't have archaic and edict, too. ******************************************************************************* I once had a friend named Joe Gordon. He was a miner who worked down in southeast Ohio in the coal mines. One fine Monday morning in the spring, Joe was shaving and listening to the radio when the disk jockey said, "... and we hope you all remembered that Daylight Savings time started over the weekend. Otherwise, you're an hour late!" "Oh no!" Joe thought to himself. "I'm going to be late for work!!" So Joe hopped in his car and drove off to work. Now, it just so happens that in the area where Joe lived, the roads were very narrow, and little more than ruts in the ground. It was impossible to pass anyone on these roads. There- fore, you can understand how upset Joe got when he rounded a hill and saw in front of him a little old lady driving 3 miles per hour!! After about five minutes of this, Joe got really ticked. He was thinking of someway to get rid of this lady, when he saw an emergency telephone off to the side of the road. So what does he do? He hops out of his car, runs over to the phone booth, and calls the cops, who come and arrest the little old lady!! Do you know what the charges were??? Simple: Contributing to the delinquency of a miner !!! ******************************************************************************* A young woman got married a few years back. Her husband was a service respresentative for a well-known computer firm, and was kept out of the house a great deal by equipment that kept breaking, his beeper, and his boss. About a year ago, his brother got back from an expedition in central Australia, collecting sand specimens for his dissertation in comparative soil mechanics. He had no where else to stay and no money, so he moved in with the happy couple. That's when the trouble began. This brother really liked baked ham. But he always remembered the way his father died, choking on a clove bud which had decorated the top of the ham. If there were just a few cloves in the ham, he wouldn't say anything. But if there were more than three, he would get up and storm out of the room. One day the brother came home late from work. He had been making repairs to his triaxial test machine, and boy was he hungry! The problem was that the baked ham had four cloves, and (because he was late) it was too well done. Our intrepid service representative got home later that night, and found his wife making airline reservations to go home to her mother in East Snapbeckon. "What are you making reservations for?" He asked. "I'm booking over that four-clove leaver, though I've overcooked before!" ******************************************************************************* This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack. "Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog. Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan." The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn." "Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this." Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager. The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan." ******************************************************************************* A group of guys used to get together once a week to play poker. Well, one of the guys died; but his ghost continued to join in the poker games as before. On one of these evenings, the ghost got five beautiful hearts in his very first hand, and he bet his stack. Unfortunately, one of the flesh-and-blood players had a full house and raked in the pot -- another case where the spirit was willing but the flush was weak. ******************************************************************************* It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lilly pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing histerically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter. Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten. A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog. The second frog exlained: "Time's fun when your having flies" ******************************************************************************* I think this is an original. Hope you enjoy. Shaggy dogs in the old west Back in the days of the old west, somewhere in Kansas, there lived a rancher named Fred Holt. One day Fred found himself in need of supplies so he headed off to town to restock. After picking up all he needed, Fred decided to stop off at the local saloon for a warm one (no refrigerators in the old west). As he was standing there quietly drinking his beer, who should approach but his neighbor Sam Leed. Now Sam was in a vile mood concerning a certain fence that Fred had recently erected. Sam felt that open range should remain open and told Fred this in no uncertain terms. A violent argument ensued, ending only when the two parties were pulled off of each other and escorted out of town. Fred went on home and settled in for the night, but about midnight was suddenly awakened by a commotion. He looked out and discovered that his house was on fire. Quickly he gathered his family and managed to get them all to safety. The house was a total loss, however. Fred hitched up his wagon and headed off to town. When he told the people what had happened, they were outraged. There was law coming into Kansas and this wasn't tolerable. A possee was immediately formed and Sam was arrested. Now it just so happened that that great detective Charlie Chan happened to be passing through town on his way to California. It seemed that something was funny about this case, so he decided to stay awhile and investigate. He headed out to Fred's ranch and proceeded to look for clues. Right away, it was apparent that the fire had been set. An empty kerosene can and a suspicious odor said that this was no accident. Poking around a bit, Mr Chan found buried in the dirt an old, somewhat decomposing breechcloth, possibly discarded by one of the conscript labor party that had built the railroad. Most interesting, since the railroad tracks were ten miles distant. He was onto something, but needed another clue to tie it up. He found it in the form of a handbill, crumpled and discarded in the corner of the barn. Unfolding it he read "Have you seen this coin? This 1832 half dollar is worth over $1000. We will pay you hard cash for this coin and others like it. Write for free list. J. Abernathy, coin broker, Boston". Now he had all he needed to free Sam. He headed back toward town. When he arrived, he noticed that no one was around. The town was deserted, and worse still, the jail was empty, its door smashed. Realizing that trouble was brewing, Charlie started running. As he neared Hanging Rock, he could hear the angry roar of mob justice. He entered the clearing and fought his way through the crowd while yelling "Stop. You are making a big mistake. You are about to hang the wrong man. The real culprit is The Lone Ranger." The crowd stopped and gasped. Sam, a rope already placed around his neck, looked visibly relieved. The mob leader looked down and asked "The Lone Ranger? How could that possibly be?" Charlie paused, smiled, and replied "It has to be. All the clues point to it... A fiery 'stead with the spite of Leed A clout of dust And a hearty 'Buy old Silver' Who else could it have been?" ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set out to conquer the known world. After a series of successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that their lone efforts would never prevail. They had to band together under the leadership of the best general they had - "George-the-Turk". George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the world. While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design and build the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it. When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle. Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the Turk's army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But, alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not keep up with the troops. George the Turk ordered more horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged. George the Turk remembered that Hannibul was not too far away in the mountains with a herd of elephants. Elephants would be better than horses for pulling the rack. So, George the Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent enough elephants for the job. Hannibul agreed and also sent along his best elephant handler. This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay raise. The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army. Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river. George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his command. He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp. This site was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John - to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to conquer the world. With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!! All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is waiting for the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes the helmet of George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly and holds it over his head. The sunlight gleams off the blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the rack. They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant engineer can't control then. He drops the reins and clings onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks loose from the team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the enemy camp. All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports: "As near as I can tell -- it's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer" !!! ******************************************************************************* There was once a very influential farmer in an obscure part of China. He had a problem, for which he sought the counsel of the two wise men in town. So he summons the two wise men, Hing, who is an scientist, and Ming, who is a sorcerer, and requests that they find a cure for his chickens who are losing their feathers and dying. Hing decides to pay a visit to his mentor at the Agricultural Extension of the local Community College, under whom he studied many years ago. The mentor recommends the book "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask". So Hing visits the library, borrows the book, and finds inside the report of a study that finds that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a cure for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards. He also tries to read the entrails of a fetal pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, he decides that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure. On the appointed day, at the appointed time, and at the appointed place, the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming reports "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Four out of five ornithologists recommend sugarless infusions of gum tree leaves for their chickens who lose their feathers." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to carry out their advice, and it does not succeed. The moral of this story is "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen." ******************************************************************************* A certain African tribe, mostly swineherds and fishermen, lived on the shores of a bay; the bay had treacherous currents and water turgid with sand, but fishing was good and the tribe propered. They attributed this to their sacrifices -- a prize boar each year to every tribal god except the sea-god, who got a gorilla. (A wise chieftan a few generations back had substituted gorilla sacrifice for human). One year, the tribesmen could not capture a gorilla. The chieftan asked the tribal wise-woman, the surviving member of a Swedish explorer couple who had gone native and lived with the tribe for many happy years, if they should substitute their best boar for the gorilla. She was strongly against it, even to the point of suggesting herself as a human sacrifice; he was horrified and reminded her that porcine offerings had always pleased the other gods. The time of sacrifice arrived. With prayers for the sea-god's mercy, the shamans went through the usual rituals with the boar instead of the gorilla, culminating in its being taken to the middle of the bay and having its throat cut as it was thrown in. Nothing went wrong and the next year was as prosperous as usual. After that, pigs replaced gorillas. MORAL: Let a swine be your gorilla in a grainy, grainy bay. And if your Swede decries, just tell her that a swine will always pay... ******************************************************************************* Note: The characters' speech should be spoken in a fake Asian accent. The r's and l's should be merged into an intermediate sound. When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was in charge, a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at government expense). "Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him. "Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the general. So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small private ceremony, the general was furious. For the sculpture was made in gold. "I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!" The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next sculpture in silver. But again the general was furious. "I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!" This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the wonderful bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the general on his deep humility. This notion confused him very much. "But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?" "Why? I'll tell you why," said the general. "Because General Minh prefer bronze!" ******************************************************************************* Maggie and Tom are a couple with a passion for ice cream. They stopped at the local ice creamery, then returned to their car with double scoops of chocolate almond fudge. No sooner had they settled back to enjoy their cones than two birds landed on the car hood and began to chirp and flutter and peck at the windshield. Finally Maggie rolled down her window and placed the rest of her cone on the hood. The birds quieted down and began to eat the cone. "Maggie, you're wonderful," said Tom. "How did you think of doing that?" "Oh, it wasn't hard to figure out," said Maggie. "It's just another example of stilling two birds with one's cone." ******************************************************************************* After several years of happy marriage, a man was getting ready for his anniversary. Their two children had been shipped off to the grandparents - a very nice dinner for two had been ordered from the local caterer, and he and his wife were preparing for a very quiet romantic evening at home. He had already gotten his wife's anniversary present - a diamond brooch, but decided that a further touch would be neccesary. His wife had a fondness for gardening and flowers, her favorite being Anemones, and he thought he would present her with such a plant to replace one that had been knocked over by their younger child several days earlier. So, on his way home from work, just before he picked up the warming tray from the Caterer and the bottle of champagne from the liquor store (Dom Perignon, of course), he stopped at the Florist to pick up a live Anemone. Alas, however, the florist had sold his last one earlier in the afternoon and was not going to get in a new shipment until Monday. Heartbroken though he was, the man was persuaded by the florist to instead buy a Boston Fern, which were on sale that week. Arriving home, after carrying in the food and champagne, the man presented his wife with the fern, and added that he had another suprise for her. As he reached for the brooch, he mentioned about his first choice of plants, and was about to apologize, but his wife stilled him. "After all," she said, "with fronds like these, who needs Anemones." *start* 16701 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:23:58 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.4 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* It was the time of the year for the caretaker of the Church to clean, fix, maintain, and restore the character of the Church, and this year those duties included painting the steeple, which had not been done in several years. He dutifully went about the work, erecting scaffolding, and climbing up, taking his paint, his brushes, water to clean the brushes, and a bit of drinking water, since it was a fairly hot day. While he was painting, he realized that he would not have enough paint to finish the steeple, and he did not feel at all like climbing down the scaffolding and going back to the workshop to mix some more paint. Seeing the water for washing the brushes, he came up with the idea to make the paint he had go further, so he added the water to his paint, and continued on. As he was nearing completion of the steeple, he realized that the paint he had, albeit watered down, would still not be enough to finish the job, so he added what was left of his drinking water and finished the job with just a few drops of paint to spare. More releived than anything else, he climbed down the scaffolding and started to hurry back to his workshop behind the Church, for after all, he was dehydrated, and his unwashed brushes were beginning to set, when there was a Clap of Thunder, a Bolt of Lightening, the sky blackened and a heavenly Voice proclaimed: Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more! ******************************************************************************* There were a group of aeronautical engineers perfecting a new type of airplane. But every time they tested the plane the wings would fall off. The engineers couldn't figure out why the wings fell off every test. After many months (and lots of cost-overruns), the head engineer decided to ask his Rabbi. His co-engineers questioned him on why ask his Rabbi when it was clearly a techinical problem. The head engineer replied "Since nothing else has worked, I might as well try. It is better than nothing." He goes to the Rabbi and tells him the problem. The Rabbi thinks about it for a few minutes and tells the engineer to make perforations exactly on the place the wings fall off. The engineer returns to work and does what the Rabbi says. On the next test, the plane works beautifully. The engineers are astonished and run back to the Rabbi and asked him how he knew. The Rabbi replied "Have you ever seen a matza break on the perforation??" ******************************************************************************* for this first one read the lines that are all capitals relatively loudly, with your mouth openning as far as it will go on each syllable. And say the text in all small letters with your mouth closed almost all the way. A good way to practice this last action is to put four equally spaced pins between your lips and try talk between the middle two w/o dropping any. There was this not-too-bright mama big-mouth frog. Now this big-mouth frog had never been a mama before so she didn't know what to feed her babies, so she decided to ask some of the neighbors for advice. First she asks mama bird, "HEY MAMA BIRD, WHAT D'YA FEED YER BABIES??" the mamabird replies, "Well, I feed them worms and bugs." "OH, IS THAT SO?" Next she visits mama snake. "HEY, MAMA SNAKE, WHAT D'YA FEED YER BABIES??" "I feed them birds eggs and mice and things like that." "OH, IS THAT SO?" Then the mama big-mouth frog goes to see mama alligator. "HEY, MAMA ALLIGATOR, WHAT D'YA FEED YER BABIES??" "I feed them big-mouth frogs." "oh, is that so?" ******************************************************************************* Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit? A. Unique up on it. Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit? A. The tame way. ******************************************************************************* A tough looking fellow swaggers into a bar. He is wearing a t-shirt with the statement, "I hate (your favorite ethnic group)" printed on it. Naturally, a member of (your favorite ethnic group) is standing at the other end of the bar. He sees the message on the t-shirt and immediately charges up to confront the wearer. "What does that say?" he shouts to the wearer. "You see," says the wearer, "you (your favorite ethnic group) can't even read!" Becoming more furious, the (your favorite ethnic group) says, "What did you say?" The t-shirt wearer responds, "And that's another thing -- you (your favorite ethnic group) can't hear, either!" By now, the (your favorite ethnic group) is ready to explode and he yells, "All right, that's it! Get your *** outside so we can settle this once and for all!" Just as they get outside, the (your favorite ethnic group) takes a really large knife out of his pocket, flicks it open and says, "Now, sucker, let's get on with it!" The fellow in the t-shirt draws a pistol from his pocket and replies, "And that's the worst thing about you (your favorite ethnic group). You are so dumb that you bring knives to gun fights!" ******************************************************************************* There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth." The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot." The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner." The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off. The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave. (Ok so I updated it)" Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing. Jake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jake says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it." Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave." ******************************************************************************* A trucker pulls over to the side of the highway after 22 straight hours of driving, locks the doors and settles down for a few hours sleep. About an hour later there's a knock on his window. The driver opens his eyes grudgingly to see a biker. The biker is asking "Hey man, do you got the time?" to which the driver yells back "No! Sorry!" and settles back to sleep. An hour later there's another knock on the window and a different biker. "S'cuse me, do you have the time?" "No, Dammit!" and back to sleep again. After the third time the driver makes up a sign that says 'I don't have the time' and pastes it on his window. Sure enough, an hour later there's a knock on his window. "WADDA WANT!?" the driver screams. "No hassle man, just thought you'd like to know it's 10:30." ******************************************************************************* A man accidentally falls over a high cliff, and on the way down he grabs onto the only branch within reach or sight. In a few moments he summons enough strength to move again, and he cries upward, "Help! Is there anyone up there who can help me?" A moment passes without event, and he again cries, "Help; can anyone hear me? I need help!" After another moment a booming voice answers, "THIS IS THE VOICE OF GOD. BELIEVE IN ME. HAVE FAITH. SAY A PROPER PRAYER AND LET GO OF THE BRANCH. YOU WILL FLOAT SLOWLY TO THE SAND, UNHARMED. JUST LET GO." Looking down at the jagged rocks and the pounding surf, the man thinks for a second, and then calls up, "Is there anyone ELSE up there?" ***************************************************************************** One day a lion was walking through the jungle feeling particularly arrogant. He came upon a zebra, roared loudly and said, "Who is king of the jungle, zebra"? "You are, oh lion", the zebra replied. "Yeah, and don't you forget it", said the lion as he walked on. Shortly, the lion came to a gorilla and once again he said, "Who's king of the jungle, gorilla?" "You are, oh lion", the gorilla said. "Correct!", the lion roared as he swaggers on down the jungle path. Soon the lion came to where an elephant was pulling leaves off a tree for his lunch. "Who's king of the jungle, elephant?", the lion ask with his usual big roar. Without saying anything, the elephant wraps his trunk around the middle of the lion, picks him up off the ground and throws him against the tree! The lion picked himself up off the ground, broken, bleeding and dazed. He looks up at the elephant and says, "Damn, you didn't need to get mad just because you didn't know the answer!" ***************************************************************************** Seems there was this father who has three sons. They were always on their best behavior. It turns out that he always paid two of his sons $5 a week to be good. The third son, by the way, was good for nothing. ******************************************************************************* There once was a preacher whose congregation was so large that he had trouble remembering the names and faces of everyone in it. One fine Sunday after the end of the service, he was greeting various members of his congregation as they left the church. A woman came up to him and said, "Good morning, Reverend, surely you remember me!" Well, he didn't. But he made a valiant effort. "Why, you look like Helen Brown." The woman looked somewhat offended as she said, "Well, you don't look so good in black, yourself!" ******************************************************************************* It seems that a minister felt that the church was long overdue to have its exterior re-painted. Unfortunately, the church funds were not sufficient to the task. So, the minister orchestrated his next few sermons accordingly and, finally, was rewarded with a $100 bill in the offering basket. He then bought the paint and prepared to give the church the fresh coat it deserved. However, just before starting, it occurred to him that if he thinned the paint a bit, he could also paint the neighboring church schoolhouse. It then occurred to him that he could stretch things a bit more and also be able to paint his own house, which also was in a sorry state. He was delighted with these thoughts and tooks advantage of the opportunity, first painting the church, then the school, and finally his own house. Unfortunately, just as he was finishing his house, the sky filled with many dark and forboding clouds which immediately began to issue forth with a remarkable amount of rain. Sheets of the stuff fell! Much to the minister's horror, the paint on his house began to run! He immediately realized that he would lose all of his efforts on the house and then saw that the paint on the schoolhouse also was starting to run. He comforted himself with the thought that he had painted the church first and that the paint on it had had enough time to dry. At least the Lord's house would be spared this indignity. After a few more minutes, however, he discovered that it would not. The paint on it, too, began to run off. The rain continued, until all of the paint, on all three buildings, was entirely washed off. Instantly, the rain stopped. The clouds parted, and a ray of sunlight burst forth, onto the church. A deep voice boomed from the heavens: GO, THOU! REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE! ******************************************************************************* A couple were leaving a shopping center when they drove over a cat, killing it. They thought they should do something with the body, so they emptied out of their department-store bags into the car's rear seat and put the dead cat in the bag. The bag they left on the car's hood while they went looking for a wastebasket. In the interim a well-dressed woman walked by, thought no one was watching, and furtively took the bag. Their problem solved but their interest piqued, the couple decided to follow her. She drove to a restaurant, went in, they did too. She sat down, then stealthily slipped her hand into the bag. Her face lit up when she felt something furry - a stole, perhaps? Then she looked into the bag and fainted. The last the couple saw of her was when the EMTs carried her out on a stretcher, the bag resting securely on her stomach. ******************************************************************************* This gent had been out drinking the night before. Morning came and he had to fulfill his commitment to take his kids to the "wild animal park," so off they went. While they were driving through the park, one of the boys pressed the window button and opened the button. An inquisitive giraffe wandered over and stuck his head in through the window. In the excitement, the boy managed to push the button again, catching the giraffe in the window. The giraffe panicked and started kicking the side of the car, inflicting much damage. Then the giraffe threw up. The people finally managed to open the window again, and the giraffe departed. On the way home, the man passed a car that had driven into a light pole. He stopped to offer help to its driver. Shortly thereafter, the police arrived. "What was your part in this accident?" "I wasn't involved, officer, I just stopped to offer help." "Then what's all the damage to your car?" "Well, this giraffe..." "Oh, of course. Would you mind blowing into this breathalyzer?" According to the story, the man then lost his license for a year. Well, the sources claim these are both true stories, but you never know. ******************************************************************************* A friend heard this on WNBC this morning. This church had a man who rang its bells in a rather peculiar way: using his head. Naturally, the human body being built the way it is, his head stood this only for a short period of time before it collapsed and turned him into the wasted remains of a human being. The church, meanwhile, now needed a new bell ringer, and advertised as such. A week later, a man showed up who said that he could fill the position perfectly. Furthermore, he hoped he'd get the job because its former owner had been his brother. Out of sentimentality, the kindly priest offered him the job on the spot. "But wait", said the new man, "just wait 'til you see HOW I ring the bells!" And with that, he began to ring them, with tones more clear than the priest had ever heard. But he, too was using his head. Alas, when it was time for him to hit the highest notes on the scale, he dove for a very small bell at the top of the belfry; his flight took him straight thru the bell to the ground(ding!), and he expired with a squish. One of the nuns approached the priest and queried "Do you know who he was?". The priest answered ------------(here it comes)--------"No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother". ******************************************************************************* His first day on the job at a small rural town the new pastor was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony. Perplexed the pastor said,"Well young man...you'r the only one in attendence,do you wish me to go on with the sermon ? " after a silent moment the young cowboy replied " Weeeelll pastor I don't know much about that religion stuff but i'll tell you this.... If i went out to pasture to slop the hog's and there was only one out there i guarantee i'd feed e'm ." Upon this reply the pastor went forth with his sermon,which lasted for an hour and a half!! When he finished he asked the cowboy " Well son did you learn anything ? " Weeellll ",the cowboy said " I didn't understand a lot of it but i'll tell you this..... If i go out to pasture to slop the hog's and there is only one there i sure wouldn't give him the whole load !! " *start* 26433 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:25:38 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.5 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* IT'S A SMALL TOWN You know you're in a small town..... - when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. - if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year. - if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you - if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. - when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery. - if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. - if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card! ******************************************************************************* A guy walks into a restaurant and orders soup. It takes a while before the soup arrives, and when it arrives - it is too hot. While waiting for the soup, the guy starts feeling he has to go to the bathroom. `Now, while I'm in the bathroom, somebody might just come and eat the soup.' thinks the guy, ` What can I do?'. Then he has this flash of insight, and he pulls out a piece of paper and a pen and writes: `I spat into the soup!'. After putting the sign right next to the soup, our clever guy runs joyfully to the bathroom. When he returns, he sees an addition in pencil underneath what he wrote: `Me too'. ******************************************************************************* Clergymen have to spend a lot of time consoling and counselling others, but have little outlet for their own problems. Thus, the heads of the various churches in a town decided to to get together for a sort of group therapy session. They met in a park outside of town and began to talk. The Presbyterian minister said, "My allowance is rather meager, and I have to admit that sometimes I will skim a little money from the collection plate for myself." The others agreed that a man has to live comfortably and that this sounds fine, as long as he doesn't get extravagant. The Episcopalian minister said, "I am in charge of the wine cellar for communion, and sometimes after a hard day, I'll go down and have a few glasses of wine." The others don't see any harm in this, as long as he doesn't get stinking drunk. The Adventist minister said, "Sometimes I fantasize about the young women in the congregation." This is similarly accepted and counselled. Finally they turn to the Baptist minister, who hasn't said anything. "What do you wish to talk about?" The minister just shakes his head and says "No, no, it's all right. I'm ok." The others work on him, saying that everyone has problems, it's ok to talk about them, they're all peers here, etc. Finally the minister flushes strongly, looks at the ground, and says, "Well, you see, ... I'm a terrible gossip, and I can't wait to get back to town!". ******************************************************************************* Dear Son, Just a line to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing the letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home, because we have moved. It was a lot of trouble moving. The hardest part was the bed. The man wouldn't let us take it in the taxi. It wouldn't have been so bad if your father hadn't been in it at the time. About your father, he has a wonderful new job with 500 people working under him: he cuts the grass at the cemetry. Our new neighbor started raising pigs--we got wind of it this morning. I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in. There was a washing machine in the new house, but it isn't working too well. Last week I put two shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since. Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's been going out with. He gave her a beautiful ring, it has three stones missing. Your other sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't heard if its a boy or a girl, so I can't tell you if you are an aunt or an uncle. Your little brother came home from school the other day crying. All the boys at school have new suits. We can't afford to buy him one, se we will buy him a new hat and let him stand at the window. Uncle Dick was drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at Dublin Works. Four of his workmates dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body, and it took three days to put out the fire. Kate is now working at a factory in Birmingham. She's been there for six weeks. I am sending her some clean underwear as she says shes been in the same shift since she got there. Your father didn't have too much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of scotch, and it kept him going to new year. I went to the doctor thursday, and your father went with me. The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and said to keep it shut for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. It rained only twice last week--first four days, and then three. On Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last installement on your grandmother wasn't paid--up she comes. Your loving mother, P.S. I was going to send you 10 dollars, but I already sealed the envelope. ******************************************************************************* This guy in a car is pulled over by a cop for driving through a stop sign. The cop asks the man why he didn't stop, and the man responded "I slowed down; slowing down and stopping are just about the same thing, aren't they?" The officer proceeds to pick up the man by the collar and beat the man in the face mercilessly with his night stick. While he is doing this, the officer says "Now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN, or do you want me to STOP?" ******************************************************************************* At one point, the council of cardinals decided that they wanted to make Rome an all-Catholic city. Since the Jews were one of the smallest populations, they decided to try throwing them out as a test case. The head rabbi was summoned and told of this decision. The rabbi protested, saying that the Jews had been there longer than the Christians, and that such an arbitrary decision should not be made without some debate. Thus, it was agreed that the Pope would debate one of the rabbi's. If the rabbi won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The head rabbi went back to the rabbinical council and said that a champion must be chosen. No one was too eager, as the Pope was well known as an intellectual and religious heavyweight. Finally, a Basque rabbi was chosen. As Basque was one of the few languages that the Pope didn't speak (this was before Hebrew was revivied), the debate was to be carried out in sign language. [Hand gestures must be made by joke teller.] The Pope starts off the debate by making a sweeping gesture. [Hands and arms in at chest; hands move up and out until arms in scarecrow position; could be mistaken as symbolism for a rising sun.] The rabbi responds by pointing adamantly at the ground. The Pope thinks a bit, then holds up three fingers. The rabbi holds up one finger. The Pope begins to take communion. The rabbi pulls out an apple and begins eating it. At this point, the Pope conceeds the debate. The Pope returns to the council of cardinals, who ask what happened. [Begin repeating gestures.] "Well, I said, 'God is everywhere', and he said, 'and God is right here'. I then said 'God is a trinity', and he said, 'no, God is just one'. As an act of good faith, I began to take the body of Christ in communion. Then he pulled out an apple to show the sin in us all. He'd knocked me down point for point, so I decided to conceed the debate." The rabbi returns to his fellows, who ask what happened. [Repeat gestures again.] "Well, he said, 'you all gotta leave', and I said, 'no, we're staying right here'. Then he said 'you have three days', and I said, 'not one of us is leaving'. Then he broke for lunch, so I started eating mine." ******************************************************************************* Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what they do with the money they receive in the collection plate. One priest says, "Well, I draw a line on the floor, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands north of the line, I give to God, the rest I keep." The other priest says, "I do pretty much the same thing... I drawa circle, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle, I give to God, and whatever lands outside, I keep." The rabbi says, "Well, I do the same sort of thing too. I throw all the money up in the air and whatever God grabs, he gets!" ******************************************************************************* A Rabbi wants to get a pet, so he goes to the petstore. He looks at the dogs, doesn't like them. The cats are disgusting. The turtles are boring. Finally, he sees a beautiful parrot. He asks the shopkeeper how much; the price is within range. "But one important thing, sir," says the Rabbi. "The parrot must be Jewish." "Sir," replies the businessman, "this is one of the most Jewish parrots you'll ever see! Why, he even prays!" "Nahh," scoffs the Rabbi. "No way. You're full of blintzes." "Really! Watch this! (to the parrot) Pray, Isaac!" The parrot says nothing. Not a peep. "Oh," the shopkeeper claps his hand to his head, "I forgot his yarmulka. Just a sec while I get it from the back room..." The petman comes back with the parrot's skullcap, puts it on Isaac's head, and stands back proudly. "Baruch atah adonai..." begins the parrot... "That's amazing! I'll take him!!" the Rabbi exclaims with glee. That Saturday, the Rabbi brings Isaac the praying parrot to the service. "Look, my people," he says, "I have a parrot that prays!" "Nahh, what a schmuck..." the congregation groans. "You don't believe me? Ha! I'll give you 10 to 1 odds that he prays. So there!" The congregation falls for it; they all throw in their money. 10 to 1 are not odds to sneeze at, after all. "Go ahead, Isaac....pray!" the Rabbi orders. Isaac doesn't utter a sound. "C'mon, you bird, you, Baruch..." the Rabbi prompts. The parrot remains silent, and the Rabbi loses his shirt. They get home from the synagogue, and the Rabbi says, "What's wrong you? You meshuggah...you didn't pray....." "Shhh, quiet," says the parrot. "Next week we'll get 'em at a HUNDRED to one!!" ******************************************************************************* So there's this soldier who is all excited about joining the army. He heads for the local recruiter's office and says he's psyched to join. The recruiter says "Hey, great! Here's your gun," and hands the new soldier a broomstick. The new dude says, "Hang on, what kind of a gun is this? It doesn't even have a bayonet!" The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end, and says "You're all set now, just head out to the battle front, point your gun, and say 'Bangity-Bangity-Bang' and the gun will work fine. Swing it around, and say 'Stabity-Stabity-Stab' and the bayonet will do its thing." The soldier is a skeptic, but he's also not the brightest guy, so he believes the Sarge and heads for the battle front. There he is, in the middle of all the fighting, with a crazed look in his eye. He picks up his trusty broomstick, and waves it around at the enemy, saying "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!, Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" To his amazement, everyone on the field is completely wiped out. Everyone, that is, except for one fighter, who is advancing very slowly and steadily toward our hero. The soldier thinks, "Hey, no sweat," and aims his broomstick. "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!" No difference -- the enemy soldier keeps advancing, slowly and steadily. Our man waves his weapon threateningly and says "Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" Still nothing. The enemy advances steadily toward the soldier. He bumps into the soldier, knocks him down, advances up over his legs, stomach, chest, and face and continues over the other side -- slow and steady. As the enemy moves away, the soldier hears him saying "Tankity-Tankity-Tank." ***************************************************************** A very nice mentally retarded boy was very excited because he was planning to go into the big city on a bus. Well, on the big day he was waiting out by the bus stop eagerly awaiting his transport. As the bus approached he started jumping up and down, waving his arms yelling (in a funny voice), "stop! stop! stop!". Well the bus just plowed right past him. He was very disappointed, so he waited until the bus came through the route again. Once again as it approached, he leaped up and down waving his arms, yelling(in a funny voice), "stop! stop! stop!". Once again the bus just zoomed off into the distance leaving him in the dust. Well, our hero had a plan. The next time the bus cam around he started jumping up and down and waving his arms and yelling "stop! stop!", but he saw the bus speeding up, so he ran out in front of the bus jumping up and down waving his arms, yelling(in a funny voice) "stop! stop! stop!" The bus continued to speed up and just plowed the boy over. His mother was shocked and ran out to the bus leapt on and accosted the driver, "why did you run over my son?" The driver said, waving his arms, jumping up and down and in a funny voice, "He was making fun of me." ******************************************************************************* Three guys were shipwrecked and after a few days of drifting, came upon a desert island. This island was a nice refuge from drifting in the ocean and it contained the basic necessities to sustain life. For two years, these three guys survived off of seafood and fresh fruit. They were lonely for their families, however, and talked much of the day they would be rescued. One day, a bottle washed up on shore. When the cork was pulled out of the bottle, a genie appeared and offered each man one wish. The first guy said, "I haven't seen my parents, brothers or sisters for two years and I wish that I was home with them." Poof! He disappeared from the island and was immediately transported thousands of miles to his family's home. The second guy said, "I haven't seen my wife or baby daughter for two years. My wish is to be at home with them." Poof! He disappeared from the island and was immediately transported thousands of miles to where his wife and baby daughter were staying. The third guy thought for a little bit and then said, "I don't really have any family to speak of. I wish that my two friends were back here with me." Poof! ******************************************************************************* I heard a much better version of this joke. It involved POWs in a German war camp. They were subjected to unusual tortures. One day they were forced to lean right and left, saying TICK and TOCK each time. One prisoner refused to cooperate, and kept jerking right, saying TICK repeatedly. So the commander came over saying, "Zo, you refuzes to co-OPERate. Vell, I must VARN you, ve haf VAYS of making you TOCK!" ******************************************************************************* It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful. He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course. He set up at the first hole, making sure noone was there to see him playing hookey, and blasted that ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... closer... a hole in one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting alleluias. He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight. All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiousity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole in one! Why?" God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?" ******************************************************************************* What do you call a Philipino contortionist? A manila folder. Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. ******************************************************************************* A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?" "What type?" the woman asked. "Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on. "Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney." "That's $250,000," the doctor replied. "Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs." "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to product a pound of brain?" the doctor replied. ******************************************************************************* For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." ******************************************************************************* God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" ******************************************************************************* Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. ******************************************************************************* Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. ******************************************************************************* A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" ******************************************************************************* At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them." ******************************************************************************* When asked, "What is a contigent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing." ******************************************************************************* In the men's room of an exclusive country club, two lawyers were in adjoining stalls when one noticed an appalling lack of tissue. "Hey, George," he called, "hand me some paper, will you?" A disturbed voice replied, "Gosh, there isn't any here!" "Any newspaper lying around?" "No, don't see any..." "Do you have an old envelope in your pocket? A letter maybe?" "Sorry." "Well then. Do you have two fives for a ten?" ****************************************************************************** How was copper wire invented? By 2 Scots pulling on a penny! ******************************************************************************* Due to an oversight, the main dish at the interfaith banquet was a pork roast. The rabbi was taking it in good stride, although he wasn't eating, of course. His friend, the local priest, turned to him and said jokingly, "So, Rabbi, won't you ever try pork?". "Sure, Father, at your wedding." ******************************************************************************* A young passenger, having to bail out of a troubled aircraft, nervously strapped a parachute to his back and jumped out of the plane. On the way down, he struggled to open the parachute to no avail. Suddenly he passed a man in hiking apparel going UP, so he quickly shouted to the man, "Do you know how to open a parachute?" The man shouted back, "Nope -- do you know how to light a butane stove?" ******************************************************************************* Did you hear about the guy the who got his left side blown off? He's ALRIGHT now!!!! ******************************************************************************* There once were two sea creatures, and one of them happend to be a sand crab and the other one happend to be a blue lobster. These two creatures of the sea also happened to be very good friends, although it is puzzling to wonder as why they were such goods friends seeing as they were a couple of the most different types of people (ummm errr Creatures). Sand crab was a party animal, he would dring beer and rape the women sand crabs while smoking crack, and after supper.... The lobster on the other hand was, the exact opposite, he was studious, hardworking and always the gentleman around the ladies (i.e. no belching while on a date). Well it came to pass (as it often does) that these two unlikely friends died, (it was a sad death being run over by a tractor trailer on the freeway while heading to Miami for a holiday). And as was expected the Sand Crap did not have what it takes to get past those pearly gates and he was sent to heck (I am trying to keep this clean) While the lobster as was expected went to heaven. Well time passed (as it often does) and the lobster began to miss the crab (although the crab couln't care less, being the rotten type of guy he was) and the lobster goes to the big Guy, and asks him if he can take some time of and visit the crab, in (well you know). And (inserting boomin voice here) THE GUY being the kind sweet hearted dude he is says, ok but you have to be home by 12:00. Well the lobster, quickly goes and packs his harp and wings onto his moped and drives to meet the sand crab, who just happens to now own a disco. (disco's being very popular in hell since that is where all disco types go). Well anyways lobster and crab have a great time, lobster playing his harp and crab playing with the women, but alas it nears noon so crab goes home. When lobster gets back to the pearlies, who should he meet but that great guy, The lord himself, and George goes to the lobster and asks him, about his visit, to which the lobster replies, terrific, but then the lobster realizes someething, and says oh no, "I left my harp in sand crabs disco" ******************************************************************************* A traveling salesman once stopped along a deserted stretch of road at a monastary. He was hungry and a sign outside the monastary read "Friday Night -- Fish and Chips Dinner". Since it was Friday night and since he was hungry, he went in to try the food. When he went in, he found that many others were there also. This monastary had quite a reputation for its excellent fish and chips. Well, very soon the meal was brought out and put before him. He began to eat and was quickly amazed at how great the food was. He devoured his meal in minutes and then ordered more. After he was finally through, he asked the waiter if he could meet the cook. The salesman had to thank him for such an excellent meal. The waiter agreed, and led the man into the kitchen and introduced him to the cook. The salesman began to commend the cook's great ability to cook fish and chips, when the cook interrupted. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. I am only the fish friar. The chip monk is over there." *start* 21136 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:26:06 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.6 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor...He loved the trolley cars...he had loved them since he had been a child in San Francisco...every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill...and he loved to watch them...except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used to complain about the littlest (sic) things...as the man grew older he developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley cars. So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided to become a trolley car conductor...he spent his days going up the hill and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car bell as he went...UNTIL...one day an old lady got on the trolley car and demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change... the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old lady...at this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran over her...needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found guilty... He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas". The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honored it and the man promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body... He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in...ZAP...the executioner threw the switch, but the man lived...the executioner checked all the connections and threw the switch again...the man still lived... the executioner tried a third time, but the man still lived...now at this time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went free... He returned to his job at the trolley car...(go through the deaths of two more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries and man going free from electric chair)...after the man was set free for the third time, the warden approached him..."Three times you've been sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free... tell me why...is it the banana juice that you smear all over your body before going to the chair??" The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think it's the bananas...I guess I'm just a bad conductor..." ******************************************************************************* A man who was really drunk calls his wife for a ride home from the bar. wife: "Where are you?" The man steps out of the phonebooth and looks at the corner where he is calling from, goes back and picks up the phone and says: "At the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK." ******************************************************************************* Did you here that when Charles and Diane were expecting their first born, they wanted to name him Up? Then they could be introduced at "Up Chuck and Die". ******************************************************************************* These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball, when his friend says, "Hey, why don't you try this ball," as he draws it out of his bag, "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possib- ilities, and is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!" The man replies, "I found it!" ******************************************************************************* The story goes that Jose, an immigrant from Mexico, needed to get a job in the U.S. in order to keep his Visa (and his MasterCard :-)) valid. Upon looking through the Wanted ads one day he discovered an opening for a school bus driver in the Sesame Street School District. He applied for the job and got it the next week, but almost quit on the spot when he saw the bus he was to drive- it was bright orange with purple stripes and had eyelashes painted on the headlights. When he complained, his boss merely said that he would not notice from inside the bus. Unable to escape such deep-seated logic, Jose decided to ignore the odd-looking bus. He couldn't ignore the weird- looking kids on the route, though- they appeared to be the results of several generations of unchecked inter-family breeding. At the first stop, three of them got on: one extremely unkempt and the other two EXTREMELY fat (for first graders even!). "Hi," said the boy, "I'm Ross, this is my sister Patty, and this is my other sister Patty," indicating the two fat ones. "You can call them Patty, but since I go to a special school people call me Special Ross." Jose could think of other less acceptable things to call Ross, but dismissed them on the grounds that he had better taste than that. He directed them to the back of the bus and drove on, knowing now why the job had been open to begin with. At the second stop a rather plain-looking boy got on and sat right behind Jose. This one appeared rather harmless, but still Jose was cautious. "I'm Steven," said the newcomer, "But since I'm so short people call me Little Stevie." Jose was just beginning to be able to forget about the other kids when he noticed a foul odor coming from behind him. He turned around and saw Stevie picking bunions off his feet. (How callous!) Jose, now thouroughly disgusted, decided he didn't care how badly he wanted to stay in the U.S.- no job was worth this. So, he parked the bus right there in the middle of the road and left it there. He stormed into the school a few minutes later and burst into the Principal's office, shouting: "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME? THE SO-CALLED CHILDREN ON THIS ROUTE ARE THE MOST UNSAVORY BEINGS I'VE EVER SEEN! HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME ASSOCIATE WITH THEM; IT'S UN-AMERICAN!" To which the Principal calmly replied . . . Jose, can't you see? What could possibly be more All-American than Two Obese Pattys, Special Ross, Little Stevie Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus? ******************************************************************************* A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down. He gets out, opens the hood and looks in confusion at the engine. About this time a horse wanders up to a near-by fence, leans over and peaks under the hood. The horse looks up at the man and says "It's the carburetor." The man does a quick double-take and replys, "What did you say?" "I said it's your carburetor." So the man turns and runs away. Soon he comes upon a farmer and flags him down. "My car broke down back there and when I opened the hood this horse comes over and starts TALKING to me!" "What he say?" the farmer replies calmly. "He said it was my carburetor!" So the farmer says, "Don't pay any attention to him, he doesn't know anything about carburetors." ******************************************************************************* It seems that there was a magician type booked on a cruise ship as the entertainment. Well in some part of his act he had a parrot do some parrot tricks and the rest of the time the parrot was suppost to sit on his perch and be quite as the entertainer did the rest of his show. At one point the magician produced a bunch of flowers out of thin air at which time the parrot said "Squak! They were up his coat arm". Well this did not make the magician happy, but on to the next trick. The magician made his assistant vanish from under a cloak. One again the parrot pipes up and says "Squak! Trap door, trap door". Well as one can guess the show did not go over very well. If this was not bad enough late one night the boiler blew up sending most of the crew and passengers into the drink. As luck would have it the magician found that he was holding onto a piece of drift wood and who do you suppose was on the other end? That's right the parrot. Well three days go by and the parrot say's not a thing. On the fourth day the parrot looks at the magician and says "Squak! OK I give up. What did you do with the boat"? ******************************************************************************* Robber: I'm going to shoot you Man: Why? Robber: Because I shoot anyone who looks like me Man: Do I look like you? Robber: Yes Man: Then shoot! Judge: Haven't I seen you before? Man: Yes, your honor, I taught your daughter how to play the piano. Judge: Thirty Years! "My Uncle is in Leavanworth because he made big money." "How much?" "About a third of an inch too big." Q: What nationality were Adam and Eve A: Soviet, of course! Where else would they have nothing to wear, opnly an Apple to eat, but be living in paradise! Officer: Are you happy now that you are in the Army? Soldier: Yes sir! Officer: What were you before you got into the Army? Soldier: Much happier! "Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!" The seven ages of a woman are: Baby, child, girl, young woman, young woman, young woman, and poised social leader! One word of advice: Don't give it! Kid: Mom, all the kids at school say I look like a Monkey. Mom: Shut up, and comb your face! Talk about bad situations! Think about: A screen door on a submarine! A stowaway on a Kamikaze plane! A teenager who parks in a dark alley with his girl, and his horn gets stuck! A soup sandwich! One who ejects from a Helicopter! A snake charmer with a deaf Cobra! Q: What do you get when you cross a Jap and a computer? A: A system that never goes down. Q: How many programmers does it take to fix a light bulb? A: None. It's a hardware problem. Some computer jokes, courtesy of Marc Sacks DEC, and me (Bill Schilit). Q: How does a dog find its way home? A: By SNOOP%'ing through the PMAP% (hahahahaha). Q: How do nuns get to church? A: On the MassBuss (hahahahahahahaha). Q: What's another name for working set preloading? A: No Fault Insurance (heeheehee). Q: What did the E-Box say to the M-Box? A: You thrash my cache and I'll crash yours (ummmmmmm UM!) Q: What's another name for a virgin address space? A: A process that hasn't been forked (shucks!) Q: What do you get under class scheduling? A: A working set with no cache or queue credit and an Executive with most of the pie (oh hahaha hee heeheee cough hahahahaha). Q: How do you stop dieter's from eating? A: With a PITRAP. Q: What is a nine digit zip code? A: An extended address. Q: What do you get when you loan money to a large roast beef sandwich chain? A: IORBs. (hahahahahaha chuckle haha ummmm) Q: What do you get when you take a big, frightening, scarey, huge, hairy, disgusting monster from Mexico and give him a kilo of hashish? A: A high-Q. (ha ha, I don't get it) ******************************************************************************* One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempt to earn some money as a street preformer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" ******************************************************************************* TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apperatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. TELEVISION -- movies where people don't step on your feet. MOVIES -- television where people don't interupt with unexpected visits. TRANSIT COMPANY- group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat. DIVORSE -- post-graduate in School of Love. PLAYBOY -- one who shortens the day by lengthening his night. BACHELOR OF SCIENCE -- one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. MAN -- a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back. WOMAN -- creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. LOVE -- unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theatre that isn't a western. OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve. PESSIMIST -- man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope. EPITAPH -- a postponed compliment. IMMEGRATION -- the sincerest form of flattery. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. MIRACLE -- something that never happens in our generation. ******************************************************************************* There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a basicly happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession. Then one day Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process. Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed. And of course the moral of our story is - Or if you must - "while you're a head, stay ahead." ******************************************************************************* Once upon a time, there was an architect so proud that he decided that he could build a perfect house, calculating every needed material and every second of work in advance. To show to the world that this could be done, he set out to spec the house on his personal computer, a BIG ONE 750. After many days of working, he realized that his computer was inadequate for doing this design. He went to a local computer representative and bought the latest design for a HUGE ONE 7500 for which he paid only 200K. Happily, its software was fully compatible with his BIG ONE 750 (you can see this is a fantasy story) so he quickly was back doing his design. After many more days of working, he realized that his new computer was inadequate for doing this design. He went to a local computer representative and bought the latest design for a TREMENDOUS ONE 75000 for which he paid only 2Meg. Happily, its software was fully compatible with his HUGE ONE 7500 (you can see this is a fantasy story) so he quickly was back doing his design. To keep this story short, suffice it to say that when he finished his design, he was using the REALLY HUGE AND TREMENDOUS ONE 75000000 which he got for only 2Gig. Happily, its software was fully compatible with all the others (you can see this is a fantasy story) so he had no problems with the switchover. He bought everything that was mentioned in the equipment printout, hired persons he knew would follow the printed instructions to the letter and set them upon building his house. After many months, it was finally pronounced complete exactly on schedule so he went to the site and toured his beautiful creation. But...as he was touring the place, he found a red brick on the ground!!! He picked it up and looked around but could not find any place where it would fit. So do you know what he did with the brick??? He threw it away!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Funny no? Oh well, here's another one: Once upon a time, an old lady was going to take her dog to the vet across town. She and the dog went to the bus stop and waited for the bus (how strange!) and went it came, both went on it (stranger and stranger..). At the next stop, a large man came on the bus and sat in the seat next to the old lady's, pulled out a large cigar and lit it! This distressed the old lady greatly so she told him: She: Young man! (cough cough) smoking is forbidden on this bus. Please put that thing out! He: Sure! Sure! But he continued to smoke the cigar, blowing out great clouds of smoke (and stench! have you ever been around a cigar being smoked?). The old lady was being made sick by all this smoke so she repeated: She: Young man! (cough cough) I said that smoking is forbidden on this bus. All this smoke is really making me sick! Please put that thing out! He: Sure! Sure! But he continued to smoke the cigar, blowing out even greater clouds of smoke (and stench! have you ever been around a cigar being smoked?). By this time the old lady was ready to throw up from the smoke, so angrily she said: She: Young man! (cough cough) See here, if you don't put that thing out, I'm going to throw it out the window! He: If you throw my cigar out the window, I'll throw your dog out the window! Furious, the old lady took the cigar from the man's mouth and threw it out the window. True to his promise, the man picked up the dog and threw it out the window also! The old lady and the man sat in silence until the next stop where they both got off. As they looked back along the path of the bus, they saw the dog running towards them. Do you know what the dog had in his mouth? A red brick!!!!! *start* 22414 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:27:04 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.7 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* L. A. Times, August 6, 1985/Part V Jack Smith Having been students, we all know that teachers suffer; but we probably can't appreciate the highs and lows they feel when grading final examinations, the momentary exhilarations and the deep depressions on reading what their students have made of their courses. John T. Walker, a member of the faculty at Fullerton College, has sent me a few lines he wrote for a faculty newsletter on that subject. "When I phoned a friend who teaches history at Cal State," he says, "his behavior reminded me how depressed some of my faculty colleagues become while (and after) reading exams. In fact, my friend had allowed himself to become morose because of the misinformation and the poor grammar he was reading..." Walker himself rarely has such lows, he says, because he tends to focus on those few students who do well, and the many more who do well enough. As for those who mangle not only the facts but also the language, he finds himself amused, in the late evening hours, by their comical misapprehensions, their inspired malapropisms, and their unconscious "historical insights." He quotes seven examples that he excerpted from a single recent set of examination papers, with his own comments attached: "Ghandi introduced nonviolent fasting." (Walker: *Violent* fasting is rough on the esophagus.) "Hitler was anti-semantic." (He never did say what he meant.) "Brezhnev wanted to re-salinize Russia." (There are few things worse than a salty Commie.) "Robespierre was a great painter or writer who looked at the gay side of life." (Undoubtedly he left his heart in San Fransisco.) "Before the Revolution, France was divided into three groups: 1. clergy, 2. nobility, 3. common slobs." (No wonder the French were revolting.) "Danzig was a German foreign minister." (Yes, he changed his name to Gdansk after World War II to blend into his new environment.) "Trotsky wrote 'War and Peace.'" (It must have been tough writing such a long novel while agitating the masses, plotting revolution, and making firebombs.) As you can see, some of them make a kind of sense. Fasting, after all, *is* a form of nonviolent protest. Hitler *was* "anti-semantic," in the sense that he used words, like our own government, to disguise the facts, as in "the final solution." Robespierre seems to have been mixed up in the student's mind with the revolutionary thinker Jean-Jacques Rousseau and the painter Henri Rousseau. In any case, at the time Robespierre was writing, the word 'gay' ('gai') meant high-spirited, not what it means now. On the other hand, it is noteworthy that Robespierre never married. You see how complicated it can be? By the way, Rousseau devoted much of his writing to the ennoblement of the common man, whose lot, in 18th-Century France, was sordid enough to justify the epithet "common slob." Walker has also sent me a copy of "Life Reeked With Joy," an essay composed by Anders Henriksson, a Canadian historian, from phrases in papers by freshmen at McMasters University and the University of Alberta. In the past few years several other copies of this composition have been sent to me--mostly reprints in college faculty publications. So it is no stranger to our faculty lounges. The latest comes from Les Boston of Los Angeles Valley College. What follows is a freshman history essay pieced together from papers handed in to Anders Henriksson and his colleagues at the University of Alberta] Life Reeked With Joy History is always bias, because human beings have to be studied by other human beings, not by independent observers of other species. During the Middle Ages everybody was middle aged. Church and state were co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medievel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams. In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plage is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national lanuage of England, France and Italy. The Middle Ages slimpered to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. The Reformation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papel France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for resurrection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. Louis XIV became King ofd the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Peter filled his government with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae. The enlightnement was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called *Candy* that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a very serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through monarchial, republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the weltern European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose. Great Brittian, the USA and other European countrys had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliament. Voting was to be done by ballad. A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an Army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. napoleon III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late, but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new German: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality. Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss who was violent but methodical like his wife mad him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seag "historical". Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekov. World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. Presidnet Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war "team colours" were red and white. Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, were all forms of sexual deprivations were practiced. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by governmental groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Roosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War schreeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces. According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolesance experiences its life development. The las stage is us. ******************************************************************************* OKLAHOMA CITY- Dennis Newton is no Perry Mason. Newton, 47, was on trial for armed robbery Tuesday when he decided to fire his lawyer and represent himself. Assistand District Attorney Larry Jones says Newton did just fine until the store's manager testified he was the robber. Newton accused her of lying, and accidently said "I should have blown your...............head off". He quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." It only took the jury 20 minutes to convict him. The recommended sentence...... 30 years. ******************************************************************************* Subject: REVIEW: Curiosa Title: Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual Author: Felton, Bruce and Mark Fowler Publisher: Gramercy Publishing Co. Date: 1984 Bruce Felton is the managing editor of RCA's corporate magazine, COMMUNICATE, and Mark Fowler is a free-lance writer. Their book is a collection of the best, worst, and most unusual of almost everything. A few excerpts follow. Worst Editing of a Film: A movie theater manager in South Korea decided that the running time of The Sound of Music was too long, so he shortened it by cutting out all the songs. Most Unusual Film Rating: In 1970, Boston newspapers ran an advertisement for the Walt Disney movie Peter Pan. The ad gave it an "R" rating. Most Unusual Traffic Fine: If you run a stop sign in Fargo, South Dakota, it'll cost you a $25 fine or a pint of blood. The choice is yours. Most Unusual Cannon: The Canadian National Research Council has come up with a pneumatic cannon capable of firing dead chickens at speeds of up to 620 miles per hour. It will accommodate either the standard caliber four-pound chicken for testing aircraft windshields, or the larger eight-pound bird for testing tail assemblies. Best Protection Against Obscene Phone Calls: Telident, Inc. has developed a device that makes it a snap to trace calls. It consists of a box attached to the receiving telephone and provides a digital readout of the caller's phone number and area code. Most Unusual Toothpaste: A California dentist has developed Doggy-Dent, a beef-flavored toothpaste for dogs. Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our victuals being spent and especially our beer." Most Unusual Restaurant: The only restaurant catering exclusively to dogs and cats is the Animal Gourmet, on Manhattan's Upper East Side. The menu includes such delicacies as shrimp cocktail, braised chicken livers, poached filet of fish, and beef Wellington. Meals are served at small tables with white tablecloths. The Animal Gourmet also caters birthday parties for pets. Most Unusual Campsite: The world's first hi-rise campground will soon be built in downtown New Orleans. Campers will park their cars on the eight lower floors of the building and take an elevator to the 240 campsites on the upper twelve stories. Each campsite will be equipped with electrical connections and carpeted with astroturf. Most Unusual Motel Chain: At American Pet Motels, Inc., a nationwide chain based in Chicago, dogs and cats sleep in brass beds in private rooms carpeted with wall-to-wall astroturf. Most Unusual Summer Camp: Margaretsville, New York is the site of Campo Lindo, the nation's only summer camp for dogs. The camp offers a balanced diet and a full program of summer fun activities. Most Unusual Hotel: Hotel La Parra is located off the coast of Spain and boasts a truly unique view, since the entire hotel is 49 feet underwater. Getting there is half the fun, as there are no boats serving the hotel. Guests must swim there, with their gear sealed in waterproof bags. La Parra can accommodate up to twelve guests at a time and is said to be quite comfortable. ******************************************************************************* I just heard about a group of US tourists who came back from the Soviet Union. They visited Lenin's Tomb, which is one of the most important monuments in the Kremlin. Altough the line was long, the foreigners were allowed to go to the front of the line. As they were allowed to enter, one 20 year old woman was not allowed to go in because she wore a short sleeved blouse. (It was in the summer) She couldn't figure out why such a rule existed. Later on, she asked her travel guide about the rule, and was told that the Soviet constitution does not guarantee the right to bare arms. ******************************************************************************* Subject: Natural language research in Antarctica From the Wall Street Journal, Dec. 10, 1985 "Antarctic Life Proves Hard Even for Those Who Love Their Work" ... How boring is life in the Antarctic? People in one group wintering at the South Pole in the 1960s watched the film "Cat Ballou" 87 times. People in another, after tiring of the westerns, Disney features and pornographics films on hand, spliced the movies together into their own production and adopted a vocabulary based on their creation that was so strange that relief crews arriving in the spring could barely understand them. ... ******************************************************************************* Some from the 8th annual Ten-Best Stressed Puns competition: A man discovered that a blood vessel on his wife's forehead would enlarge as the barometric pressure fell. He learned soon to predict rainstorms by observing her weather vein. --- During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons." ******************************************************************************* Subject: Novel advertising According to an article in the January 8 Los Angeles Times (Part V, page 1), Los Angeles author Jaron Summers has written a novel about a psychotic killer terrorizing apartment dwellers in Marina del Rey. The hero of the tale is computer hacker David Cursore, framed for a computer crime he didn't commit, who taps into a computer system to pursue the killer. The title of the book is Safety Catch (Leisure Books, 1985). Aside from the literary merits of the story (which I have not read), the interesting thing is the way in which Summers is promoting his book. Knowing that about 450 new novels reach bookstalls each month, he wanted to draw attention to his own work. Having written a book about crime-solving by computer, using his Epson QX-10 as a word processor, Summers thought it was logical to use computer technology to plug his novel. So he offered the first chapter free, via electronic bulletin boards, as a form of advertising. All it took was two $40 subscriptions to The Source and CompuServe, and Chapter 1 was made available to 300,000 potential buyers. He also offered $5 to any hacker willing to post the chapter on any of the thousands of free bulletin boards accessible to anyone with a home computer and a modem. Is this ploy selling books? It's too early to say for sure, but Leisure Books has already reprinted Safety Catch in anticipation of an upswing in sales. Summers says that Chapter 1 is now on more than 400 bulletin boards across the nation, with more being added daily. He estimates that it could eventually reach as many as 25 million people. Some of the free bulletin boards offering Chapter 1 are: (213) 806-2226, (213) 598-8495, (818) 341-3342, and (818) 956-6164. ******************************************************************************* HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. You wake up and your braces are locked together. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. Your income tax check bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. Your pet rock snaps at you. Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. Author Unknown ... But Troubled ******************************************************************************* A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, VERTEBRATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED ---------------------------------------------------------------- ELEMENT : FEMALE HUMAN CHEMICAL SYMBOL : WO DISCOVERER : Adam ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160 (Mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.) OCCURRENCE : Surplus quantities in all urban areas APPROVED FORMULA: 36:24:36 USES : i) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars ii) Most powerful money reducing agent known iii) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous source of frustration PHYSICAL PROP. : i) Surfaces usually covered in painted film ii) Boils at nothing and freezes without reason iii) Melts if given the proper treatment iv) Bitter if used incorrectly v) Found in various states ranging from common ore to virgin metal vi) Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes vii) Yields to pressure applied at correct point viii)In its natural state it varies considerably, but the shape is often artificially changed to conform to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations are only discovered by an experienced eye ix) In some instances may start to gain weight and look like they have swallowed a basketball and then proceed to take on qualities of a XEROX copier and start to to make copies CHEMICAL PROP. : i) Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones ii) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances iii) May explore spontaneously if left alone with a male iv) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by saturation in alcohol v) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed in the dark TESTS : i) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the natural state ii) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen CAUTIONS : i) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must be used with great care and patience if experiments are to succeed ii) It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen but a certain amount of exchange is permissable iii) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY. *start* 23479 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:27:48 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.8 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led astray by hunting and pecking. -- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85 ******************************************************************************* 101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO I'd love to, but... 1 I have to floss my cat. 2 I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 4 the President said he might drop in. 5 the man on television told me to say tuned. 6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8 it's my parakeet's bowling night. 9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10 I'm building a pig from a kit. 11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13 there's a disturbance in the Force. 14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20 my crayons all melted together. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22 I'm in training to be a household pest. 23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24 my patent is pending. 25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26 I'm sandblasting my oven. 27 I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29 I'm being deported. 30 the grunion are running. 31 I'll be looking for a parking space. 32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 35 I have to fluff my shower cap. 36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 39 my plot to take over the world is thickening. 40 I have to fulfill my potential. 41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 42 it's too close to the turn of the century. 43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 44 my subconscious says no. 45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 46 I left my body in my other clothes. 47 the last time I went, I never came back. 48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 50 none of my socks match. 51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 52 I'm having all my plants neutered. 53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58 I'm touring China with a wok band. 59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 60 I never go out on days that end in "Y." 61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it. 62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. 63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. 64 I'm too old/young for that stuff. 65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 66 I have too much guilt. 67 there are important world issues that need worrying about. 68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 71 I feel a song coming on. 72 I'm trying to be less popular. 73 my bathroom tiles need grouting. 74 I have to bleach my hare. 75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 77 you know how we psychos are. 78 my favorite commercial is on TV. 79 I have to study for a blood test. 80 I'm going to be old someday. 81 I've been traded to Cincinnati. 82 I'm observing National Apathy Week. 83 I have to rotate my crops. 84 my uncle escaped again. 85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 88 I have to go to court for kitty littering. 89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 91 having fun gives me prickly heat. 92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. 93 I have to jog my memory. 94 my palm reader advised against it. 95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 96 I have to stay home and see if I snore. 97 I prefer to remain an enigma. 98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] . 99 I have to sit up with a sick ant. 100 I'm trying to cut down. 101 ... well, maybe. ******************************************************************************* Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun Paper. 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions. 3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it. 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. 11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident. 13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient. 14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. 18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him. 19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him. 20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. 21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car. ******************************************************************************* ---------------------------------------------------------------- THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS: Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. ******************************************************************************* Keywords: Bureaucracy MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters - New York To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Department Chief To: Section Chiefs Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn. MEMORANDUM From: Section Chief To: All EA's When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets. ******************************************************************************* Kick the Mongrel In a previous account I told how reading a book on cryptography led to my getting an F.B.I. record at the age of 12 and about subsequent awkwardness in obtaining a security clearance. By request I will now describe how I learned that putting provocative information on a security clearance form can accelerate the clearance process. First let me describe the environment that gave rise to this gambit. White Faces in New Places In 1963, after living in Lexington, Massachusetts for 8 years, I moved to the Washington D.C. area to help set up a new office for Mitre Corporation. After three days of searching, my wife and I bought a house then under construction in a pleasant suburb near Fairfax, Virginia. I hadn't noticed t during our search, but it soon became evident that there were nothing but white faces in this area. In fact, there were nothing but white faces for miles around. We expected to find some cultural differences and did. For example, people drove much less aggressive than in Boston. The first time that I did a Boston-style fake-out at a traffic circle, the other cars yielded! This took all the fun out of it and I was embarrassed into driving more conservatively. When I applied for a Virginia driver's license, I noticed that the second question on the application, just after "Name," was "Race." When filling out forms, I have always made it a practice to omit information that I think is irrelevant. It seemed to me that my race had nothing to do with driving a car, so I left it blank. When I handed the application to the clerk along with the fee, he just looked at me, marked "W" in the blank field and threw it on a stack. I guess that he had learned that this was the easiest way to deal with outlanders. Our contractor was a bit slow in finishing the house. We knew that there was mail headed our way that was probably accumulating in the post office, so we put up the mailbox even before the house was finished. The first day we got just two letters -- from the American Civil Liberties Union and Martin Luther King's organization. We figured that this was the Post Office staff's way of letting us know that they were on to us. Sure enough, the next day we got the rest of our accumulated mail, a large stack. It shortly became apparent that on all forms in Virginia, the second question was "Race." Someone informed me that as far as the Commonwealth of Virginia was concerned, there were just two races: "white" and "colored." When our kids brought forms home from school, I started putting a "C" after the second question, leaving it to the authorities to figure out whether that meant "Colored" or "Caucasian." Racing Clearance About this time, my boss and I and another colleague applied for a special security clearance that we needed. There are certain clearances that can't be named in public -- it was one of those. I had held an ordinary Top Secret clearance for a number of years and had held the un-namable learance a short time before, so I did not anticipate any problems. When I filled out the security form, I noticed that question #5 was "Race." In the past I had not paid attention to this question; I had always thoughtlessly written "Caucasian." Having been sensitized by my new environment, I re-examined the question. All of my known forebears came from Europe, mostly from Southern Germany with a few from England, Ireland, and Scotland. A glance in the mirror, however, indicated that there was Middle Eastern blood in my veins. I have a semitic nose and skin that tans so easily that I am often darker than many people who pass for black. Did I inherit this from a Hebrew, an Arab, a Gypsy or perhaps one of the Turks who periodically pillaged Central Europe? Maybe it was from a Blackfoot Indian that an imaginative aunt thinks was in our family tree. I will probably never know. As an arrogant young computer scientist, I believed that if there is any decision that you can't figure out how to program, the question is wrong. I couldn't figure out how to program racial classification, so I concluded that there isn't such a thing. I subsequently reviewed some scientific literature that confirmed this belief. "Race" is, at best, a fuzzy concept about typical physical properties of certain populations. At worst, of course, it is used to justify more contemptible behavior than any concept other than religion. In answer to the race question on the security form, I decided to put "mongrel." This seemed like an appropriate answer to a meaningless question. Shortly after I handed in the form, I received a call from a secretary in the security office of the Defense Communications Agency. She said that she had noticed a typographical error in the fifth question where it said "mongrel." She asked if I didn't mean "Mongol." "No thanks," I said, "I really meant `mongrel.'" She ended the conversation rather quickly. A few hours later I received a call from the chief security officer of D.C.A., who I happened to know. "Hey, Les," he said in a friendly way, "I'd like to talk to you the next time you're over here." I agreed to meet him the following week. When I got there, he tried to talk me out of answering the race question "incorrectly." I asked him what he thought was the right answer. "You know, Caucasian," he replied. "Oh, you mean someone from the Caucusus Mountains of the U.S.S.R.?" I asked pointedly. "No, you know, `white.'" "Actually, I don't know," I said. We got into a lengthy discussion in which he informed me that as far as the Defense Department was concerned there were just five races: Caucasian, Negro, Oriental, American Indian, and something else that I don't remember. I asked him how he would classify someone who was, by his definition, 7/8 Caucasian and 1/8 Negro. He said he wasn't sure. I asked how he classified Egyptians and Ethiopians. He wasn't sure. I said that I wasn't sure either and that "mongrel" seemed like the best answer for me. He finally agreed to forward my form to the security authorities but warned that I was asking for trouble. A Question of Stability I knew what to expect from a security background investigation: neighbors and former acquaintances let you know it is going on by asking "What are they trying to get you for?" and kidding you about what they told the investigators. Within a week after my application for the new clearance was submitted, it became apparent that the investigation was already underway and that the agents were hammering everyone they talked to about my "mental stability." The Personnel Manager where I worked was interviewed quite early and came to me saying "My God! They think you're crazy! What did you do? Rape a polo pony?" He also remarked that they had asked him if he knew me socially and that he had answered "Yes, we just celebrated Guy Fawkes Day together." When the investigator wanted to know "What is Guy Fawkes Day?" he started to explain the gunpowder plot but thought better of it. He settled for the explanation that "It's a British holiday." An artist friend named Linda, who lived two houses away from us, said that she had no trouble answering the investigator's questions about my stability. She said that she recalled our party the week before when we had formed two teams to "Walk the plank." In this game, participants take turns walking the length of a 2 x 4 set on edge and drinking a small amount of beer. Anyone who steps off is eliminated and the team with the most total crossings after some number of rounds wins. Linda said that she remembered I was the most stable drinker there. I was glad that she had not remembered my instability at an earlier party of hers when I had fallen off a skateboard, broke my watch and bruised my ribs. The embarrassing thing was that I had run over the bottom of my own toga! The investigation continued full tilt everywhere I had lived. After about three months it stopped and a month later I was suddenly informed that the clearance had been granted. The other two people whose investigations were begun at the same time did not receive their clearances until another five months later. In comparing notes, it appeared that the investigators did the background checks on my colleagues in a much more leisurely manner. We concluded that my application had received priority treatment. The investigators had done their best to pin something on me and, having failed, gave me the clearance. The lesson is clear: If you want a clearance in a hurry, put something on your history form that will make them suspicious but that is not damning. The investigators get so many dull backgrounds to check that they relish the possibility of actually nailing someone. By being a bit provocative, you draw priority attention and quicker service. After I received the clearance, I expected no further effects from my provocative answer. As it turned out, there was an unexpected repercussion a year later and an unexpected victory the year after that. But that is another story. *start* 23326 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 11 Nov 86 10:28:45 PST (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.9 To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* Heard this morning on the radio (NPR): A man who runs an ice-cream parlor in Bethesda MD received a phone call a few days ago. The caller warned him that he would be robbed that evening, but that the police had already been informed and would apprehend the thieves as they left. The caller said that the man should therefore not panic, but should simply give them the money, and wait for the police. Sure enough, that evening, a robber appeared, demanded the money in the cash register, and left. The man calmly gave it to him, waited for the police, and then, after several minutes, sheepishly called the police to report the theft. ******************************************************************************* LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOESN'T CONSITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART. ******************************************************************************* Subject: Best One-liner from AI-Digest Black holes are where God is dividing by zero... ******************************************************************************* WITH MALICE TOWARD SUMS Two score and some years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this nation a new tax, conceived in desperation and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equally fair game. Now we are engaged in a great mass of calculations, testing whether this taxpayer any taxpayer so confused and so impoverished can long endure. We are met on Form 1040. We have come to dedicate a large portion of our income to a final resting place with those men who here spend their lives that they may spend our money. It is altogether anguish and torture that we should do this, but in a legal sense we cannot evade; we cannot cheat; we cannot underestimate this tax. The collectors, clever and sly who compute here, have gone far beyond our poor power to add or subtract. Our creditors will little note nor long remember what we paid here, but the Internal Revenue Service can never forget what we report here. It is for us taxpayers rather to be devoted here to the tax which the government has thus far so nobly spent. It is from these vanquished dollars that we take increased devoion to the few remaining; that we here highly resolve that next year shall not find us in a higher income bracket; that this taxpayer, underpaid, shall figure out more deductions, and that taxation of the people, by the Congress, and for the government, shall not cause our solvency to perish from the earth. ******************************************************************************* Subject: "The Secrets of Consulting" . . . . . . is Gerald Weinberg's latest book, intended for consultants and people who use consultants. According to one review, it's fun to read and contains nuggets of real wisdom wrapped in anecdotes and humorous laws, rules and principles. Example: Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. Example: While riding a New York bus, Weinberg observed a young woman who got on the bus without paying for her eight children--four sets of twins, all under five--who rode free. The dumbfounded bus driver asked, "Gee, lady, do you ALWAYS have twins?" Her reply, "Heavens no. Most of the time we don't have ANY." Law: Most of the time, for most of the world, no matter how hard people work at it, nothing of any significance happens. Weinberg provides a whole chapter on ways to be effective at solving problems when you don't know what you're doing. One way is the Fourth Great Secret of Consulting: IF WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING HASN'T SOLVED THE PROBLEM, TELL THEM TO DO SOMETHING ELSE. (In paperback available from Dorset House Publishing, 353 W. 12th St., New York, NY 10014, for $25 plus $1.50 for shipping). ******************************************************************************* Item from The Sharper Image catalog, May 1986: Saved by a beep Your Friday meeting is dragging on. Not only have you run out of things to say, you're late for an important date. Just as it looks like there is no escape, your beeper goes off, red light flashing. But only you know it's False Alarm, the convincing, professional-looking beeper that *you* activate -- anytime, anywhere. Simple to operate, switch it on, and after a 20 second delay (to avert suspicion) False Alarm beeps until you turn it off. You'll be amazed how a well-timed beep can turn the tide, buy you time, or bail you out of almost any situation. Made of high impact plastic, False Alarm clips to you belt or pocket. Measures 3L x 2L x 1D", weighs 2.5 oz. Equally impressive on first dates or closing arguments, take False Alarm anywhere you can use a break -- in the nick of time. $29 ******************************************************************************* Subject: Oxymorons Oxymorons from a contest in OMNI Magazine: I don't believe in astrology. But, then, I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. We are not anticipating any emergencies. Those who forget this sentence are condemned to reread it. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Act natural. "This report is filled with omissions." I can't remember having a more memorable time. No one goes to that restaurant anymore--it's always to crowded. "This paper fills a much-needed gap in the theory." By definition, one divided by zero is undefined. ******************************************************************************* Subject: Quips and Comments The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. -- Henry Kissinger The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. -- Hubert Humphrey Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -- Barry Goldwater If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? -- Robert Moses ******************************************************************************* Subject: Performance Appraisal Time... The scene: in a vast desert, a cowboy faces his horse. Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. ******************************************************************************* Subject: "Try Topping This" Each year, those in the business of putting out annual reports try harder and harder to top everyone else's report. But try topping this. On the cover of Toronto-based Pagurian Corp's latest report is a photograph of Arne Naess, a Norwegian financier, reading the company's previous report. So what? He's doing it while standing atop Mt. Everest. Wearing an oxygen mask. ******************************************************************************* Subject: General Laws >From the New York Times, June 9, 1986: Buried within the [Senate tax reform] bill, which weighs well over five pounds, are 174 items known as transition rules, special provisions that exempt particular companies, communities and individuals from specific conditions that would otherwise apply. The transition rules are written in such Delphic prose that, in most cases, no one can interpret them except the author, the taxpayer involved and the auditors at the Internal Revenue Service. For example, one rule would give a Rochester company, Praxis Biologics Inc., an exemption from an extra tax that would otherwise be imposed on royalties it earns from selling vaccines to pharmaceutical companies. This is how the rule is described in the bill: "In the case of a taxpayer which was incorporated on Feb. 17, 1983, and the five largest shareholders of which are doctors of medicine, any royalties of such taxpayer from products resulting from medical research shall be treated in the same manner as royalties from computer software are treated." A staff member who worked on the transition rules said he did not know why they were written in such an obscure way except that "it's always been done that way." ******************************************************************************* Subject: Heaven and Hell In Heaven, the cooks are French, the police are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss. In Hell, the cooks are English, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians. ******************************************************************************* Subject: On following the proper procedures ... Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he was then executed. ******************************************************************************* Subject: New Yorker Humor Adv. from the Wall Street Journal FORECLOSURE LISTINGS Entire state of NJ available. Investors call... New Yorker comment: No, thanks. ---------- Ad in the 7/7/86 New Yorker, not intended as humor: WHITE TENNIS BALLS The classic white ball, almost impossible to find anywhere. Not yellow, not orange, but pure, crisp white, the way tennis balls OUGHT to be. Putnam Antiques, 9 Pond Rd., Middlefield, Mass. 01243 ******************************************************************************* >From Bolton [Canada] Enterprise, July 15, 1986 Letter arrives 3 months late It was a case of sending mail to Bolton all right, but Bolton in the wrong country. A parcel containing a medical journal was sent to Dr. Martin Steins of Bolton, Ontario, Canada from East Rutherford, New Jersey sometime in April, 1986, according to the postmark. However, three months later, The Medical Letter finally arrived in Bolton, Ontario. Dr. Steins received the package last week and was heard to remark that it was one of the best examples of mismanaged mail he had ever seen. The problem came in when someone in the U.S. postal system sent the package to Bolton, England. From there it was redirected to Farnworth, to Westhoughton and to Horwich, all in England. Finally, someone in the British postal system read the address label and wrote on the package 'Dont Be Silly -- Send it to Canada' ******************************************************************************* Other Opinion When the shoe's on the other foot by Art Buchwald: It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" >From: American Medical News, p.4, July 18, 1986 (reprinted in AMN with permission of the author, LA Times Syndicate, 1986) ******************************************************************************* Instructions: Each question below contains the initial of words that will make it correct. Find the missing words. 1) 26 = L. of the A. 2) 7 = W. of the W. 3) 1001 = A. K. 4) 12 = S. of the Z. 5) 54 = C. in a D. with the J's. 6) 9 = P. in the S. S. 7) 88 = P. K. 8) 13 = S. on the A. F. 9) 32 = D. F. at which W. F. 10) 18 = H. on the G. C. 11) 90 = D. in a R. A. 12) 200 = D. for P. G. in M. 13) 6 = S. S. on a S. S. 14) 3 B. M. (S. H. T. R.) 15) 4 = Q. in a G. 16) 24 = H. in a D. 17) 1 = W. on a U. 18) 5 = D. in a Z. C. 19) 57 = H. V. 20) 11 = P. on a F. T. 21) 1000 = W. that a P. is W. 22) 29 = D. in F. in a L. Y. 23) 64 = S. on a C. B. 24) 40 = D. and N. of the G. F. [I have since been told this is from an article that appeared in Games magazine in 1981] ******************************************************************************* Figure out what the numbers are: F O R T Y T E N T E N --------- S I X T Y S E N D M O R E --------- M O N E Y ******************************************************************************* Here are the answers to the puzzle. 1) 26 = Letters of the Alphabet 2) 7 = Wonders of the World 3) 1001 = Arabian Knights 4) 12 = Signs of the Zodiac 5) 54 = Cards in a Deck with the Jokers 6) 9 = Planets in the Solar System 7) 88 = Piano Keys 8) 13 = Stripes on the American Flag 9) 32 = Degrees Farenheit at which Water Freezes 10) 18 = Holes on the Golf Course 11) 90 = Degrees in a Right Angle 12) 200 = Dollars for Passing Go in Monopoly 13) 6 = Sea Shells on a Sea Shore 14) 3 Blind Mice (See How They Run) 15) 4 = Quarts in a Gallon 16) 24 = Hours in a Day 17) 1 = Wheel on a Unicycle 18) 5 = Digits in a Zip Code 19) 57 = Heinz Variety 20) 11 = Players on a Football Team 21) 1000 = Words that a Picture is Worth 22) 29 = Days in February in a Leap Year 23) 64 = Squares on a Cecker Board 24) 40 = Days and Nights of the Great Flood ******************************************************************************* Subject: Sign of the Times Item from "SYNC" Catalog, Fall 1986 issue: ------------------------------------------------------------- TODAY'S UNSHAVEN LOOK -- EVERYDAY! You see them on TV every Friday night -- the super-cool cops with the look that's started a new fashion rage! But that's just television -- how can you keep that terrific one-day shadow *everyday* in real life? Now it's easy, because SYNC is on top of today's trends with the new Stubble Device! It's the shaver that leaves behind just enough of your beard to let you keep that Miami look. And you can even choose between *two* trimming attachments: one that leaves you with a subtle 1-day shadow, and the other lets you maintain a heavier 5-day growth. At last, you can shave everyday -- without looking like you've shaved at all -- while keeping that stubble well-groomed. Kit comes with shaver, 2 trimming attachments, pre-shave brush, storage stand, barber comb, oil, and 3 AA batteries. $29.95 ******************************************************************************* Subject: New Yorker Humor From Seattle Post-Intelligencer: "You're strapped into a cramped cockpit staring at a row of gauges on a metallic-black dashboard. Cruising at your top speed of about 240 mph, you know you've got another six hours of flying time left before you reach your target over the battle-torn Pacific. You're hoping the gunnery mates facing the sky and protecting your back will be ready if a squadran of German fighters pops out from behind the clouds." New Yorker comment: "You're clearly lost." ---------- From the Miami Herald "The British surrender at Yorktown, Va., in October 1791 was the last major battle. Since news moved slowly in those days, sporadic fighting continued until a peace treaty was signed in September 1983." New Yorker comment: Dept. of Understatement ---------- Excerpt from a description of a visit by the New Yorker editors to a circus act on Coney Island: "Hey, how 'bout you stand over there against that wall while I throw knives all around you?", he asked. "No," we replied. "That's what everybody says," he sighed sadly, walking away. ******************************************************************************* TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apperatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. TELEVISION -- movies where people don't step on your feet. MOVIES -- television where people don't interupt with unexpected visits. TRANSIT COMPANY- group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat. DIVORSE -- post-graduate in School of Love. PLAYBOY -- one who shortens the day by lengthening his night. BACHELOR OF SCIENCE -- one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. MAN -- a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back. WOMAN -- creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. LOVE -- unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theatre that isn't a western. OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve. PESSIMIST -- man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope. EPITAPH -- a postponed compliment. IMMEGRATION -- the sincerest form of flattery. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. MIRACLE -- something that never happens in our generation. ******************************************************************************* The following is from a sheetprinted by Baldy Sayings, 901 Arendell Street, Morehead City, NC 28557. EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT... I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptised on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead. This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do ¬anything¬ until he knows for sure. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it? Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor. ******************************************************************************* Police in Miami arrested two men who appeared to be engaged in a drug transaction. But the dealer had sold the buyer phony cocaine -- which was paid for in counterfeit money.... ...Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, may have violated the rights of a suspect by attaching a metal colander to his head and connecting the colander to an office photocopier with metal wires. A message reading "HE'S LYING" was placed in the copying machine. Each time the interrogators got an answer they didn't trust, they pushed the copy button -- and out would come the message. Convinced the jerry-rigged polygraph was accurate, the suspect confessed. (NR Aug 15, 1986) *start* 13401 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 12 Nov 86 09:57:40 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.A To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a mountain climber? A: You can't: a mountain climber is a scalar. Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 3. One to do it, one not to do it, and one to do both. ******************************************************************************* The Surgeon Gregbo has determined that hugs are beneficial to your health. Studies have revealed that people who receive and give hugs on a regular basis live at least 10 years longer on the average than people who don't. (It's fun, too! :-) REACH OUT AND HUG SOMEONE!!!! ******************************************************************************* *The buck does not even P*A*U*S*E here* ******************************************************************************* According to a KFJC disk jockey, next Sunday is Squirrel Day at Foothill College. On Squirrel Day, power is turned off for the entire campus, at which time they put fresh squirrels in all the generators. ****************************************************** Quoted in today's Wall St. Journal --"I'm proud to say that my kids have proved time and again that they're reliable and trustworthy. Not once have they ever jumped bail." ******************************************************************************* From the Warrenton (Va.) Fauquier Democrat: "But acting Commonwealth's Attorney Francis Greene said the charge against Gilbert Marcus Smith, 23, of Ponderosa Trailer Park, will be sent to a grand jury. Smith allegedly drove a 1973 Ford on Route 643." New Yorker's comment: "Off with his head!" ---------- From an Oaark Airlines Frequent Flyer mailing: "Ozark introduces new 'Meeting Maker' fares" New Yorker comment: "No, thanks." ****************************************************** AN UNUSUAL TELEPHONE SERVICE CALL This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnipeg, MAN about an unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England. It is common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by signaling with 90 volts across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signalled without disturbing each other. This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first. Torn between curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene. Climbing a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found: a. Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar b. Dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current c. After several jolts, the dog was urinating on ground and barking d. Wet ground now conducted and phone rang. Which goes to prove that some grounding problems can be passed on. ****************************************************** "In the District Court of the State of Oregon for Lane County THE STATE OF OREGON Plaintiff vs. JOHANN KAHR, JR. Defendant The above named defendant is accused by this Complaint of the crime of CRIMINAL MISCHIEF IN THE THIRD DEGREE committed as follows: The defendant on or about the 1st day of September, 1981, in the county aforesaid, did unlawfully and with the intent to cause substantial inconvenience to the City of Eugene, the owner, and having no right to do so nor reasonable ground to believe that he had such a right, tamper and interfere with one potted plant owned by the City of Eugene; contrary to statute and against the peace and dignity of the State of Oregon. Dated this 8th day of September, 1981, at Eugene, Lane County, Oregon." etc. The story is that Johann found the planter outside his store knocked over, and went out to upright it. Just then a city policeman came by and figured out (all by himself) that this plant was being molested. Apparently the policeman didn't listen to Johann's side of the story. Johann was later judged to be innocent. ****************************************************** Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. ******************************************************************************* A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and passed the wallet back and forth. "Well boys" said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case of carp-to-carp walleting." ****************************************************** Norte Dame started having strange sounds. Police were called into to find what was causing these sounds. All they could report was sometimes seeing a small brown object disappearing around corners and down holes. Weeks went by, when finally a small boy opened a door into a room to see a bag crossing the room. This was the lunch bag of Notre Dame. ****************************************************** Before a farmer's wife left for a trip, she told her husband to fix the barn. He knew repairs would take weeks, but he had an idea. The farmer called Mr. Solly and asked to borrow his herd. Mr. Solly said fine, but reminded the farmer that the cows became upset in strange places. Sure enough, as soon as the cows were in the different barn they went berserk, kinking everthing to smithereens. All the farmer could do was call the insurance company. When the farmer's wife returned, she was amazed. There was a new barn in place of the old one. "How did you manage it?" she asked. "Easy," answered the farmer. "All I had to do was wreck the stall with cows of Solly." ******************************************************************************* A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.) The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favor for him when he died. "Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your enveloples into the grave on top of my coffin?" The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes. Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin. As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his feet. The Doctor said, "Well, since ou've admitted it, I too must confess that I took money. The children's hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it." The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any of the money. There was a check for all $100,000 in the envelope!" ************************************************************************** Once a flashy young man drove up in a flashy red Porche convertible to a Hardware store and parked it before entering the shop. A small kid driving an old moped drove up and spotted this flashy red car and could not resist it. He hopped into it and tried all the controls for the feel. The young man came out of the store and spotted the kid in his jazzy car and caught him by the scruff of his neck and threw him out of the car asking him to clear off. The young man then switched gears and drove away. He was in the 2cnd gear and doing 30 mph when he saw a small black spot on his rear-view mirror which grew larger and larger and then WHIZZZZZZZZZZZZ, the kid shot past on his old moped into the horizon. This enraged the Porche owner, who shifted to the 3rd Gear and shot his speed up to 50-60-70 mph and soon enough zipped past the kid on the moped and conitnued at 80 mph. Soon enough, the young man noticed the small spot on his mirror which grew larger and larger until WHIZZZZZZZZZ the young kid whizzed past him on his moped in a cloud of dust into the distant horizon. The Porche clicked into the 4th gear and shot up to 90-100 -110 mph and soon enough caught up with the moped and with an angry wave of his hand he swept past the moped. Soon enough ( you guessed it ) , the small spot again appeared in the rear view mirror and the moped WHIZZZZ past in a cloud of dust with the kid arched on it with eyes tightly closed and blitzing past at 110 mph and disappeared into the horizon. The Porche was desperate and accerelated to 130 mph and caught up with the moped and soon both were screaming at each other to stop. They drove to the side of the road and faced each other. The Young amn glared at the kid and said " Now what !! " The kid, in a very flustered way replied; " You Jerk, my suspenders are caught in your car door.!!!" ************************************************************************** For another poke at our mathematical collegues, here is what was said during an introductory seminar for new employees a number of years ago. The speaker was a Vice President for Research (exact title not remembered nor important): "Mathematicians are the least expensive researchers to support. All they need is pencils, paper, and a wastebasket -- and when they turn philosopher, they don't even need the wastebasket!" ************************************************************************** patient to eye doctor: " I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the chances? " eye doctor to patient: " Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference. " ************************************************************************** Note - The bike in this story is the old fashioned 1-speed kind. There was a young boy who lived about 30 miles from Atlanta, Ga. He decided he wanted to take a trip into the city by himself so he saved all his paper route money. When he had enough money he asked his mom if he could go. The day he left she packed him a lunch and off he rode on his bike. He had been peddling for about 30 mins when a guy in a Corvette drove alongside him. guy: Where you going? boy: Im going to Atlanta. guy: Thats a long way to have to ride your bike, you want a ride? boy: YEA, but what about my bike. guy: Oh, yea. I know, I have a tow rope in my trunk. I'll tie one end to your handle bars and the other to my bumper. If while I'm driving I go too fast, just ring the bell on your bike and I'll slow down. boy: Hey, great. Let's go. So off they go. The driver finally levels off at about 40 mph and everyone's happy. A few minutes later a guy in this Jaguar XKE pulls up alongside the Corvette. He reves the engine, pulls ahead, drops back, pulls ahead again and starts yelling at the guy in the Corvette about his high preformance 'vette only can do 40. Before you know both cars are gone in a cloud of dust. About 5 miles down the road they pass a speed trap. cop radioing ahead to his partner: Fred your not going to believe this. A Corvette and Jaguar just passed me going 170 mph. They're heading your way, so be ready. And you want to hear the amazing part of it......... there's this little kid on a bike, ringing his bell for all its worth, trying to pass 'em. ************************************************************************** Awhile back, a major aquarium in California needed a fund raising campaign. The president of the company asked his fund raising comittee for an idea, and they came back to him in a week. President: Your idea? Comittee: We suggest you have races every Tuesday, and allow the general public to bet on them. You could train the animals to respond to your command, and instruct one or the other to win, depending on the bets made. President: What animals should we use? Comittee: We suggest the dolphin and the porpoise. At the end of the conference, one comittee member took the president aside and said: Member: Sir, could you do me a favor? President: What is that? Member: Well, I told the guys I'd bet all my money on the dolphin. Can you make sure that the dolphin always wins? President: But then we'd lose money, and this is supposed to be a fund raiser. Member: So? President: So, that defeats the porpoise! *start* 12074 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 12 Nov 86 09:58:49 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.B To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* During the summer of 1984, when the troubles at the city owned Atlanta Zoo were coming to a head, volunteers at the Atlanta Zoological Society (a privately sponsored support group, dedicated to improving the Zoo) were deluged by calls from members who had received a copy of the letter that follows and were panicing at the prospect of what it suggested. The letter was personally addressed to each and typed on NEW but official looking Atlanta Zoo stationary, embossed in sepia tones with the pictures of various animals usually found in zoos, and hand signed by the supposed sender. It is, of course a complete hoax, and no-one is really sure who was responsible for this rather elaborate prank: THE ATLANTA ZOO June 29, 1984 Mr. Jim Brueggemann 2279 Plaster Road (#7) Atlanta, Georgia 30345 Dear Mr. Brueggemann: As you are aware, Atlanta's zoo is going through a very stressful period. The Board has considered several alternatives and we feel we have a novel, short-term solution to the zoo's current difficulties. Our solution, which involves you, will immediately relieve the zoo staff of the problems of daily caring for the animals and give the staff the opportunity to perform much needed repairs in animal exhibits. You have been selected to care for one of the animals for the rest of the summer. You were highly recommended to us because of: (1) your concern for the reputation of the Atlanta Zoo or (2) your known love of animals. Accordingly, Dixie, a 6,000-lb. hippopotamus from North Africa will soon be delivered to your home. You are totally responsible for her care; housing and feeding until September. Please call Dr. Emmett Asheley, who is on leave but still considered our zoo veterinarian, with your questions regarding Dixie's special diet re- quirements. You'll agree, I'm sure, that by distributing our animals among caring metro-Atlanta citizens we are keeping our problems in "our own back yard," while constructively working toward having one of the finest zoological facilities in the country. Sincerely, Rufus Simms Director Animal Husbandry ******************************************************************************* In a recent posting on the Stanford BBoards, someone coined the term "intellectual gerrymandering". This eventually led to the following message: ---------------------------------------------------------------- From: Watson@Sushi.Stanford.EDU Subject: new concepts in gerrymandering Since the original meaning of gerrymandering has to do with joggling the borders so as to win the election by spreading the votes around, JMC's coining of the term "intellectual gerrymandering" (distorting the issue being discussed so that people who would have been against you on the original issue can't see why they should disagree and so end up on your side--accomplished admirably by politicians and the mass media) got me thinking about other kinds of gerrymandering, such as: Emotional gerrymandering--couching issues so that people's guilt feelings or sentimentality interfere with their brain function. Also called "not fighting fair"--as in: "Let's go to a movie." "I'd rather stay home." "I guess that means you don't love me any more." or "The cats are a nuisance and have to go!" "But they're so cute--look at those big brown eyes." Financial gerrymandering--how casinos make money. It's OK if a few people win big as long as lots and lots of people lose moderately. The gerrymandering comes in as fixing the odds so that just enough people win big that the lots and lots don't get discouraged and leave. Social gerrymandering--the most complex, I think. The kind of thing playboys have to do to keep their girlfriends from meeting each other and to keep people who know different girlfriends from discussing them. Involves drawing definite borders around one's circles of friends so as to stay friends with all of them. Like all gerrymandering, it is usually only necessary when one is trying to get away with some form of dishonesty. This is off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more. Merry Gandering, ******************************************************************************* Subject: We don't care. We don't have to. (Long) [From TELECOM Digest, Volume 5, Issue 140] ------------------------------ Telephone Torture Sends Politican on Rampage, Operators on Strike By VICTORIA GRAHAM NEW DELHI, India (AP) - This is a true story about modern India. The villain is the telephone, taken for granted in much of the world, but in India regarded as an instrument of torture. The leading man is a former Cabinet minister, once a powerful politician who defied Sikh death threats, but a man humbled by the telephone and a call that wouldn't come through, even at gunpoint. Twenty-six hours and 20 minutes after booking, he got the call. The leading lady is played by hundreds of low-paid, sari-clad, shrieking operators, described by the politician as ''fat, lazy gossips, drinking tea in a lousy telephone system, the worst in the world.'' Comparing themselves to Kali, the Hindu goddess of destruction, the operators went on a three-day wildcat strike, smashing switchboards, crippling service and demanding that the politician, former Home Minister Prakash Chand Sethi, be jailed or held as insane. Some call the telephone melodrama farce, or soap opera, or morality play. The drama has not been played out, but this is how it began: Last Friday at 12:50 a.m., Sethi, a member of Parliament, decided enough was enough. He had waited four hours and 20 minutes and made five pleas to an operator to get a top priority ''lightning'' call to Bombay from his home. He warned the operator he was on his way to her office and set off with his son-in-law and three armed bodyguards, assigned to him because his life had been threatened. He was in charge of domestic security when the army attacked the Sikhs' Golden Temple in June 1984. Sethi took his Czechoslovak-made, licensed revolver, explaining later that security rules ''require me to hold onto my gun.'' Brushing past guards at the downtown exchange, the capital's telephone nerve center, the midnight raiders stormed to the ninth floor and demanded to see the offending operator, Miss Kiran. ''I am a public man with a grouse,'' he later said. ''This place should be thrown open to citizens so they can see what a mess the telephone system is.'' Then accounts differ. Miss Kiran said she peeked from the ladies room and saw a man in a white pajama suit - drunk, staggering, swaggering and abusive - advancing with three guards toward the switchboard. She said she came out and he grabbed her arms, waving his revolver and blowing cigar smoke into her face. ''Do you know who I am? Do you want to live in this world?'' witnesses quoted Sethi as saying. ''I can buy girls like you for five rupees (40 cents).'' They said a male shop steward interceded, but the 65-year-old Sethi roughed him up and tore his clothes, then collapsed on the floor for 30 minutes. Miss Kiran bolted the exit to keep him there until police arrived. ''I'll jump from the ninth floor and die but I will have justice,'' she told reporters. Police charged Sethi with trespassing, disturbing the peace, using filthy and abusive language and assaulting a public servant on duty. He was not arrested. Sethi says he was petrified when operators surrounded him and wouldn't let him go. Then, he says, the shop steward knocked him out. He got home at 3:30 a.m. Saturday and says a doctor certified he was not drunk. But about 4,000 operators and staff disputed Sethi's account. By dawn they launched a strike, demanding his arrest. Domestic and overseas bookings weere paralyzed. Some emergency police numbers were dead. Other services were crippled. Women sat atop switchboards, twisted their headsets apart and shouted, ''Death to Sethi!'' Still, Sethi's fury struck a responsive chord. India's telephone system is notorious for inefficiency, rude operators, equipment that smacks of bullock-cart technology, and thousands of dead phones. Frustrated subscribers have been known to smash telephones. ''The level of inefficiency, callousness and simple insolence in the telephone exchanges would drive anyone mad,'' the Hindustan Times editorialized Monday. But the strike was an embarrassment. Over the weekend, police and soldiers got involved. Signal corps engineers worked without pause to repair equipment. Outside, husbands and boyfriends waited for their women. The women dropped notes complaining they were locked on the top floor, unable to eat or go to the bathroom, because they refused to work. After 2 1/2 days, on Sunday night the government announced the strike was over and Sethi had apologized, but many strikers denied it and so did Sethi. Sethi claimed the goverment fabricated a letter over his signature. The protest subsided Monday, but the telephone saga went on. Sethi, waving a cordless Japanese telephone, said, ''In India, you just cannot get a call through.'' ******************************************************************************* In another forum that I follow, one corespondent always adds the comment Always Mount a Scratch Monkey after his signature. In response to a request for explanation, he replied somewhat as follows. Since I'm reproducing without permission, I have disguised a few things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My friend Bud used to be the intercept man at a computer vendor for calls when an irate customer called. Seems one day Bud was sitting at his desk when the phone rang. Bud: Hello. Voice: YOU KILLED MABEL!! B: Excuse me? V: YOU KILLED MABEL!! This went on for a couple of minutes and Bud was getting nowhere, so he decided to alter his approach to the customer. B: HOW DID I KILL MABEL? V: YOU PM'ED MY MACHINE!! Well to avoid making a long story even longer, I will abbreviate what had happened. The customer was a Biologist at the University of Blah-de-blah, and he had one of our computers that controlled gas mixtures that Mabel (the monkey) breathed. Now Mabel was not your ordinary monkey. The University had spent years teaching Mabel to swim, and they were studying the effects that different gas mixtures had on her physiology. It turns out that the repair folks had just gotten a new Calibrated Power Supply (used to calibrate analog equipment), and at their first opportunity decided to calibrate the D/A converters in that computer. This changed some of the gas mixtures and poor Mabel was asphyxiated. Well Bud then called the branch manager for the repair folks: Manager: Hello B: This is Bud, I heard you did a PM at the University of Blah-de-blah. M: Yes, we really performed a complete PM. What can I do for You? B: Can You Swim? The moral is, of course, that you should always mount a scratch monkey. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are several morals here related to risks in use of computers. Examples include, "If it ain't broken, don't fix it." However, the cautious philosophical approach implied by "always mount a scratch monkey" says a lot that we should keep in mind. *start* 07304 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 12 Nov 86 09:59:18 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.C To: cc: , Cate3 To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy. -Ancient Chinese Warlord To me old age is 15 years older than I am. -Bernard Baruch Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself. -Charles Baudelaire The employer generally gets the employees he deserves. -Walter Bilbey I have lived in the world just long enough to look carefully the second time into those things that I am most certain of the first time. -Josh Billings Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -Ashleigh Brilliant Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other fragile and precious thing. -Randolph S. Bourne Top executives cannot afford to be isolated from the people below, who are in better touch with what is going on, and cannot afford to set unrealistic goals. -Charles Burck Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. -James F. Byrnes You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question. -Albert Camus Let us keep our mouths shut and our pens dry until we know the facts. -A. J. Carlson Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. -Dale Carnegie The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -Frank Crane Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. -Benjamin Disraeli Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, who can't and those in cemeteries. -Everett Dirksen Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity. -Charles G. Dawes Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. -Thomas Dewar Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. -Dandemis Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises. -Demosthenes The world is full of cactus, but we don't have to sit on it. -Will Foley If something goes wrong, it is more important to talk about who is going to fix it, than who is to blame. -Francis J. Gable Expressing anger is a form of public littering. -Willard Gaylin A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -- Barry Goldwater There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal -Michael Hammer If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet. -Paul Herbig The secret to Hewlett-Packard's success is that we've simply got more bonfires burning at one time. -Bill Hewlett Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. -Edgar W. Howe I try to have no plans the failure of which would greatly annoy me. Half the unhappiness in the world is due to the failure of plans which were never reasonable, and often impossible. -Edgar W. Howe If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell them something for their own good. -Kin Hubbard The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. -- Hubert Humphrey Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -O. W. Holmes If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet. -Paul Herbig If I have to tell a guy he's got something to do, I consider myself a failure as a manager. -Bill Hewlett Give us the fortitude to endure the things which cannot be changed, and the courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to know one from the other. -Oliver J. Hart If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet. -Paul Herbig There are times when even the best manager is like the little boy with the big dog waiting to see where the dog wants to go so he can take him there. -Lee Iacocca There are times when even the best manager is like the little boy with the big dog waiting to see where the dog wants to go so he can take him there. -Lee Iacocca Everything must be done immediately even if it doesn't have to be. -Larry Kane You can't sit on the lid of progress. If you do, you will be blown to pieces. -Henry Kaiser The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. -- Henry Kissinger Consider carefully before you say a hard word to a man, but never let a chance to say a good one go by. Praise judiciously bestowed is money invested. -George Horace Lorimer What we see depends on mainly what we look for. -John Lubbock The more noise a motor or a man makes the less power is available. -W. R. McGeary The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI. -Wright Morris If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? -- Robert Moses When people cease to complain, they cease to think. -Napolean An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. -John H. Patterson In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. -Proverbs Those who obstinately oppose the most widely held opinions more often do so because of pride than lack of intelligence. They find the best places in the right set already taken, and they do not want back seats. -La Rochefoucauld The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it. -Theodore Roosevelt Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. -George Bernard Shaw Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -Cecile Stewart Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character. -Jonathan Swift Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the picture. This is why there are so few masters. -Jean Toomer All you need in this life is ignorance and confindence, and then success is sure. -Mark Twain The paths of glory at least lead to the grave, but the paths of duty may not get you any where. -James Thurber Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. -Leonardo da Vinci Never rise to speak till you have something to say; and when you have said it, cease. -Witherspoon Isolation breeds conceit. -Charles Dudley Warner Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures; costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who receives, and thus, like mercey, is twice blessed. -Erastus Wiman *start* 13965 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 12 Nov 86 10:00:16 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.D To: cc: , Cate3 ************************************************************************** One professor at school (an econ prof) had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were done at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The prof looked at him and said "don't bother to hand that paper in...you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am???" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "good," plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!!! ************************************************************************** Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer, and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The Dealer asks "why 'S'?" and the snail replies "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique oportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted (for a small fee). The snail get's his new car, and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!" ********************************************************************** What do they call two Mexicans playing Basketball together? Juan on Juan. ********************************************************************** A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him." ****************************************************************************** Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out. After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the other farmer and asks "What kind of dog did you say that was?" The first farmer replies "Well before he lost his tail we called him a Mountain Lion!" ****************************************************************************** A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. Well anyway a rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this. The first bull says "Well there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees "Ya, I'm not giving up any he can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says "Well I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up." Finally the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them. The first bull looks around nervously and says "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows, I think I'll give him twenty of mine." The second bull says "Ya I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine." They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows to. He says "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!" ****************************************************************************** Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czeckoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and started to eat him alive (he didn't stay alive for long!). The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to to shoot. "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.k.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. "But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. "Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czeck's in the male." :-) ****************************************************************************** An elderly gentleman was spending one of his leisurely afternoons at the museum. On this particular day, the museum was displaying some modern art by local artists. The man didn't think much of the so called "modern art" he had seen before, but he decided to at least give it a chance before he passed judgement on it. He approached a peculiar (to him anyway) painting which had caught his attention. He stopped and stared and pondered and stared some more and pondered and ...(you get the idea). Suddenly, the man burst into laughter. He was laughing so hard, everyone else in the museum turned to see what the clamor was about. It just so happened that the artist who painted the work of art saw what was happening and ran over to the elderly gentleman. The artist exclaimed, "Why are you laughing at my painting?! You don't know ANYTHING about modern art!!" The elderly man stopped laughing long enough to reply, "I don't know anything about laying eggs either, but I know a rotten one when I see it!" ****************************************************************************** One day, the Pope, Billy Graham, and President Benson, (current president of the Mormon Church,) were out fishing on a lake. The Pope says, "Oh dear! I forgot the can of worms." So he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to the pier, gets the can of worms, walks on the water back to the boat and gets in the boat. President Benson says, "I forgot the fishing tackle." So he gets out of the boat, walks on the water to the pier, gets the tackle, and walks back. Billy Graham, not to be outdone, says, "I forgot the pop." So he gets out of the boat and promply sinks into the water. The Pope turns to President Benson and says, "Should we show him where the rocks are?" And President Benson says, "What rocks?" ************************************************************************* President Benson, (president of the Mormon Church,) was visiting the Pope at the Vatican. While there, he asked the Pope if he could use his telephone to make a call to Heaven. The Pope said that he could. After President Benson was through, he went to the Pope and said, "I talked for six minutes. How much do I owe you for the long distance call?" The Pope named a price and President Benson paid. A few months later, the Pope was visiting President Benson in Salt Lake City. And while there, needed to make a call to Heaven. So he got permission from President Benson to use his phone. After the call, the Pope said to President Benson, "I talked for eight minutes. How much do I owe you for the call?" President Benson said, "Nothing. It's a local call." ******************************************************************************* I understand they found the last dead medfly in San Jose. The only problem is that 500,000 relatives are flying in for the funeral. ******************************************************************************* BUREAUCRACY: a method for tranforming energy into solid waste. ******************************************************************************* A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work. "You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do." "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it when the engine is running." ******************************************************************************* Three professionals were discussing the nature of God. The doctor said, "The Bible states that God made Woman by taking a rib out of Man; God is obviously a surgeon." The engineer replied, "But before God made man he created Heaven and Earth out of Chaos; this is obviously the work of a master eningeer. The lawyer just smiled and said, "But who do you think created the chaos?" ******************************************************************************* There was this animal trainer who had trained a gorilla to play golf. One day while he and his gorilla were out on the driving range, a promoter happened to be watching the gorilla consistently driving the ball over 400 yards every time he hit the ball. Excited by the prospects, he approachecd the trainer and after a few minutes of hurried bargaining, he bought the gorilla from the trainer. Not wanting to allow his investment to set idle, he called Arnold Palmer and arranged a match between Arnold and his gorilla, the winner to get $50,000 from the loser. The big day arrived and they met on the first tee. Arnold made a beautiful tee shot, a little over 300 yards, just a chip away from the green. The gorilla hit his usual 400 yards plus and landed on the green, about two feet from the cup. "Boy, am I in trouble", thought Arnold, but he chipped on and one putted for a birdie. The promoter handed his gorilla his putter, chuckling to himself about getting such a deal. Whereupon the gorilla walked over to his ball and hit it 400 yards. ******************************************************************************* A lawyer and a pope died on the same day, and both went to heaven. When the pope noticed that the lawyer had a larger mansion, he questioned Saint Peter about the allocation of rewards. The justification was "Well, we've had 265 popes up here, but this is the FIRST lawyer!" ******************************************************************************* One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the Pope's office and says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news!" The Pope replies, "What's the good news?" "Jesus Christ is on the phone." "That's great news, what can be so bad?" "He's calling from Utah." ******************************************************************************* More you know you are in trouble when: You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. Your four year old tells you that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. Your car costs more to fill up that it did to buy. The bird singing outside of your window is a vulture. Airline food starts to taste good. You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your MasterCard. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. ******************************************************************************* A mormon bishop is out fishing when he comes across a big mean grizzly bear. He starts to run. After several hundred feet it's clear the bear is closing fast. So the bishop falls to his knees and prays. Atleast thirty seconds passed so he opens his eyes to find the bear also on his knees right behind the bishop. The bishop asks the bear "Are you mormon?" The bear looked surprised, "No, I'm just blessing my food." *start* 12261 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 12 Nov 86 10:08:42 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.E To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* Quotes from Will Rogers: Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people. Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in of we didn't have to pay the fiddler. ----- >From an article in Reader's Digest (date unknown) RD acknowledgment: condensed from "The Best of Will Rogers", compiled by Bryan B. Sterling ******************************************************************************* "Manners everywhere require understanding something about the host nation's customs. When in doubt, the safest rule is to follow your host's lead. But sometimes following the host's lead can get you in trouble. "President Grover Cleveland, presiding over a formal dinner party, once added sugar and cream to his coffee, stirred it, and then poured it into his saucer. Anxious to please, his guests followed suit but were at a loss when the president leaned down and put the saucer on the floor for his dog. Sometimes, however, an extremely gracious host or hostess will go out of the way to make sure a guest is not embarrassed by a breach of etiquette. Queen Victoria once downed the contents of her finger bowl because she didn't want to embarrass the Shah of Persia, who had done so first." ---Harvard Business Review, ppg. 47-48, in a review of two recent books on the subject of manners in business. ******************************************************************************* R U S H J O B S C A L E N D A R ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | M I R | F R I | F R I | F R I | T H U | W E D | T U E | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 15 | 14 | 13 | 12 | 11 | 10 | 9 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 22 | 21 | 20 | 19 | 18 | 17 | 16 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 29 | 28 | 27 | 26 | 25 | 24 | 23 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 36 | 35 | 34 | 33 | 32 | 31 | 30 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes: 1. This is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday, consequently all dates run backwards - with this calendar, a client can order their work on the 7th and have it delivered on the 3rd. 2. Everyone wants his job done by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. 3. There are five new days at the end of the month for those "end-of-the-month" rush jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month - so there can not be late delivery of "end-of-the-month" rush jobs. 5. No one likes Mondays, so these have been eliminated. 6. There are no Saturdays or Sundays, so overtime rates can be kept to a minimum. 7. There is a special day each week, Mirday, for the performance of miracles. ******************************************************************************* < The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . > All supervision: It has been observed that many project personnel have been dying on company premisis for no apparent reason. Furthermore, some personnel are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has resulted in unauthorized overtime charges. Effective *immediately*, this practice must be discontinued. As of September 12, 1986, each supervisor must check with each member of his or her group daily. If the person is found sitting up after he or she has died, he or she will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation, as per Regulation 110, Section D of the GEIs (Non-Productive Labor). When it can be proved that the employee is being held up by a desk, telephone, terminal, personal computer, or any other visible means of support, which is the property of the company, a ninety day grace period will be granted. In this case, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to. If, after several hours, it is noted that the employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, a Department Head or Division Manager will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature of some employees and the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly, to avoid waking the employee if he or she is asleep (which is permitted under existing work loads.) If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee, the appropriate Director will be notified and a paycheck presented as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note: in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutching reflex may occur. Do *not* be misled by this manifestation! In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever they appear to be doing at coffee time, no investigation is necessary, as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in. ******************************************************************************* A friend claims the following actually happened to a woman friend who lives in San Diego: She was buying an ice cream cone in a fancy ice cream parlor when Robert Redford walked in. Her natural reflex was to run and throw herself into his arms, but by applying total will power she managed to leave the ice cream parlor without making a fool of herself. But when she got outside, she discovered that somehow her ice cream cone had disappeared from her hands. So she went back into the shop to find her ice cream. After looking all over and asking several customers in vain if they had seen her ice cream cone, she was starting to get frantic. Just at that point Redford leaned over and said to her as gently as possible, "Miss, I think I can tell you where your ice cream is. You put it in your purse!" ******************************************************************************* Subject: Managers vs. Leaders "A manager does the thing right. A leader does the right thing." -- Anonymous (the great Greek philosopher) ******************************************************************************* A British customs agent tells the story of an arriving traveler came up to his counter one day and the agent asked him, "How long do you plan to stay in the United Kingdom?" "Three days", he replied. "And what will be doing here?", the agent continued. The man said, "I want to overthrow the government." The customs agent said, "Oh, you'll need at least a week for that!", gave him a one week visa and let him in. ******************************************************************************* Found in Rank Xerox's 1985 book 'Networking in Organisations'...... "One day, three businessmen found themselves deep in the jungle, the only survivors of a plane crash. The cannibals surrounding them granted them each one last request before turning them into 'steak au poivre'. The first businessman, a Frenchman, and hence a keen student of flora and fauna, desired to look upon the most beautiful woman in the tribe. His request was granted. The second, a Japanese, and an earnest individual, declared his wish to give one last address on the subject of Japanese business methods, whereupon the third, an American, pleaded in an agonised voice for the tribe to eat him first. He could not stand yet another lecture on Japan!" ******************************************************************************* After Mohammid Ali was done with his boxing career he went into business. For awhile he was setting up business deals where because of who he was he could get people together. Eventually he joined a company which was being investigated by the Federal government in the area of their purchases. Mohammid took over the purchasing department and started cleaning things up. The investigation stopped for now the company had good Ali buys. ******************************************************************************* From today's Wall Street Journal-- "Liggett & Meyers Tobacco Co. warned its employees in a newsletter that they're working with a potentially hazardous substance--sugar. Large quantities have been known to explode, the company says." ******************************************************************************* In case you're considering a personalized license plate, the Auto Club keeps a list of all personalized plates in California (the list we looked at was dated June 86). At the office where we went, you could reserve and apply for the plate of your choice on the spot. Trivia: there are roughly 1.4 million plates in the list. that's why you see plates like "NANCY29" on the road. over 2,000 of them start with "ski." there were at least 25 variations on my friend's idea, "quicksilver," not counting all the ones with digits tacked on. "0" and "O" are now identical characters. you're allowed 1 half-space in addition to your 7 chars. Two different plates must differ in more than just the half-space, of course. ******************************************************************************* "If you steal ideas from one source, that's plagerism, but if you steal ideas from more than one source, that's research." -- Laurendo Almeida, Brazilian guitarist, talking at a recent concert before playing a medley of pieces by various composers. *start* 14789 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 12 Nov 86 10:13:56 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.F To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* There was some discussion of the mere possession of drug paraphenalia getting you in trouble with the Narks, and someone told a story about a pharmicist in England. Seems this gentleman was charged with violating the laws governing the production of alcohol simply because he happened to possess a still. So when this gentleman was presented in court he insisted in pleading guilty as charged, and please, yer honor, to rape as well. "To rape? Why do you plead guilty to rape?" "Well, yer honor, it's sure as 'ell I've got the right equipment!" ******************************************************************************* A blind man walks into a general store with his seeing eye dog. He mumbles a hello to the shop owner, who greets him back. A few minutes later, the shop owner hears a tremendous clattering and banging in the back of the store. He runs back to find the blind man swing his dog in the air by the leash. "What are you doing" The shop owner yells as things go crashing to the floor. The blind man replies calmly "Just browsing." ******************************************************************************* < The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . > A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house. A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out. Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!". Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer." ******************************************************************************* Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any anesthetic on him? He wanted to transcend dental medication. PROVERB #1: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt. PROVERB #2: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. ******************************************************************************* There were these two guys who worked together in Brooklyn, and got fired due to the economy, so they went down to apply for their unemployment checks. The first guy went in and was asked his occupation, to which he replied, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked it up and discovered that a panty stitcher was unskilled labor, so she gave the guy $500. The second guy went in and was asked his occupation, to which he said, "Diesel fitter." The clerk looked it up and discovered that diesel fitters were classified as skilled labor, so she gave him $1000. As they were walking out of the unemployment office, the second guy said, "What a great country...I'm out of work but I get a thousand bucks." The first guy was incensed! "Hey, how come I get $500 and you a grand?", he shouted, and they both headed back in to talk to the clerk. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled labor and that diesel fitters were skilled labor. The first guy yelled out, "What skill? I sew the elastic on and he pulls on them and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' ******************************************************************************* Q. What do you call a hacker who has enough mass storage for his wants? A. Disk-contented. -- In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey". In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar". In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag". ******************************************************************************* A polock, jew, and a black guy were in the army together and walking across a field when one of them steps on a land mine and BOOMMM!!! all three are history. Suddenly their at the pearly gates. St. peter is there reviewing their files. ( and not looking to happy either!) St. peter looks at them and says " Boy! Did you guys sin!!! I can't even let you guys look in here!.You'll have to go to hell." So our threesom go to hell only to meet a very busy deval.(sp?) They tell him what St. Peter said, to which he answers "Nope. Got no room. You wouldnt **BELIEVE** the people sinning nowadays. I am sorry but there's just no room!" Our threesom dont know what to do but go back to heaven and hope. At the gates they meet pete again and tell him what happened. Peter looks around real carfully and say's " I'm not supposed to do this but.........for $13 I'll let you have a nother crack at life."The polish guy is so happy 'he wips out thirteen bucks and lays it on St. peter. The polock wakes in an army hospital.The doctors are looking at him all amazed.Its fantastic. "what happened?" they ask "your completely healed!!" He tells them what happened and they ask "what about the jew and the black guy?" to which the polish guys says "Last I heard the jew had him down to a buck 89 and the black guy was looking for a co-signer!" ******************************************************************************* A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like. "In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave. "True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..." ******************************************************************************* a particular policy matter among his staff ( I think something about fund raising, etc...). Lincoln said that it reminded him of a drunkard that stumbled into a church out West. The whole congregation watched as the man made his wy to the front of the church. The drunkard joined in the praying and sing- ing, but when the preacher began the sermon, the drunkard fell dead asleep. During the sermon, the preacher yelled,"All those on the side of the Lord stand up!" and the whole congregation stood up, with the exception of the sleeping drunkard. The preacher continued, "All those on the side of the Devil stand up!" The congregation sat down, but the drunkard startled heard the stand up part and stood up. "Preacher, I'm not sure I understood what you just said, but I want you to know that I'm behind you on it, even though it sure looks as though we're in the minority!" ******************************************************************************* Lawyer Jokes...courtesy of NOLO Press (Berkeley) There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux A small town that cannot support one lawyer can alwyas support two. There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge. "I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara "There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'" - ibid Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. ******************************************************************************* A man is sitting at the beach apparently playing chess with a shaggy dog. A spectator walks by, just as the dog pushes a piece. He stops out of curiousity, and sure enough, the man moves a piece, and a little while later the dog moves again. Fascinated, the spectator watches several more moves, and finally bursts out, "This is amazing! Your dog is playing chess." "It's not so amazing," the man replies, "I can beat him two games out of three." One I recall involves a mouse that plays a toy piano, "but he only knows two tunes." ******************************************************************************* ANOTHER ONE: A man goes to his doctor for a physical. A week later, the doctor calls him with the results. "I've got some bad news and some very bad news. First, the bad news. You have an incurable disease, and I estimate you have 24 hours to live." The patient replies, "My God, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!" ******************************************************************************* This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away'. ******************************************************************************* The new employee walks into the Boss's office and nervously tells the Boss, "I have some good news and bad news, Sir" The Boss looks up and asks, "What is the good news, Tom?" "I promise such a thing will never happen again" How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb. What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. ******************************************************************************* It seems that a young man who came from a wealthy family was going off to college. Now Dad, who was no slouch, knew that the young rascal would probably just use all his money to booze it up and go after the girls (since this is what he himself had done). In order to prevent this, he presented his son with a fur coat which contained nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hairs. And he said to his son, he said "Son, I want you to have this coat, and to take very good care of it, because it contains 9,999,999 hairs. If there are still 9,999,999 hairs when you graduate from school in 4 years, I'll give you a million dollars and set you up in a job for life." Well, the son thought this sounded pretty good, so he took his Dad up on it. While he was a freshman, he counted the hairs twice a semester: 9,999,999 hairs each time. Over the summer he counted them again: 9,999,999 hairs. Sophomore year he counted those 9,999,999 hairs every month, and every month there were 9,999,999 hairs. Junior year, he was at it every week: 9,999,999 hairs. Week after week after week: 9,999,999 hairs. By senior year he was counting them every day: 9,999,999 hairs. Skipping classes for those 9,999,999 hairs. Well, by the time graduation rolled around, he felt like he'd counted those 9,999,999 hairs about 9,999,999 times, but he kept right on counting. As soon as he finished with those 9,999,999 hairs, he'd count them again: 9,999,999 hairs. On the night before graduation, he stayed up all night counting: 9,999,999 hairs. Finally the big day arrived, and Dad came to see junior. "Well, son, have you got those 9,999,999 hairs still intact?" asked the old man. "Yes, Dad, all 9,999,999 hairs are there!" So they started to count them together. And there were 9,999,998 hairs! The son couldn't believe it. They counted again: 9,999,998 hairs. And the son sat down and cried, his whole future shot (since he'd gotten straight D's from all the classes he'd skipped). And as the son was sitting there, a little moth flew out of the coat, the same moth who'd eaten that 9,999,999th hair. And the moth felt so bad about what he'd done that he started to cry too. Have you ever seen a moth bawl? ******************************************************************************* Three guys went out in their 4 wheel drive unit to go "shootn". While out they found a rabbit from one of the neighboring farms and caught it. They decided instead of "shootn" at it, they'd have some real fun. And so they tied a stick of dinamite to the little beastie and lit it. Well remember, this was a poor confused farm rabbit, so it immediately ran off and hid,... directly *under* their four wheel drive truck. *BOOM* and the four wheel drive truck suddenly turned into a Volkswagen Rabbit! ******************************************************************************* Teddy Roosevelt was about to speak at a Democratic convention. As he began, a heckler started shouting "I'm a Republican!". Well, T.R. ignores this fellow for a while, but finally, he gets to be too much to take. T.R.: "Pray tell, sir, what are your reasons for being a Republican?" HECKLER: "Well, my daddy was a Republican, and so was his daddy." T.R.: (Feeling very pleased that this jerk had given him such an opening) Well then sir, suppose your father and your father's father had been jackasses. What then would you be?" HECKLER: "A Democrat." *start* 16501 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 12 Nov 86 17:32:58 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.G To: cc: , Cate3 Date: 12 Nov 86 10:30:01 PST (Wednesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.G To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* BEAR MARKET MEANS BARGAIN FOR DINERS By Paul Lewis (reprinted without permission from the New York Times News Service) PARIS - The two hungry diners sat down, turned expectantly to a flickering computer screen on a nearby stand and began studying the latest quotations. The news seemed ominous. Making money would not be easy in today's luncheon market. The scene was La Connivence, a small new bistro-style restaurant at 6 Rue Feydeau, a stone's throw from the Paris Bourse, or stock exchange. As with stocks on the exchange, the laws of supply and demand determine the price diners at La Connivence pay for a meal. (The name, La Connivence, means complicity, with the slightly shady overtones appropriate for a gambling den of sorts.) As patrons place their orders in the austere ground-floor dining room, one of the owners, Jean-Claude Trastour, enters them into a computer which promptly adjusts the menu prices to reflect demand. Popular dishes, like popular stocks, go up in price while less popular ones decline. Timorous diners may choose to pay the quoted price for a dish at the moment they order it. That is called eating on the march comptant, or cash market. If the price rises while these diners are tucking in, they have done very well for themselves. If the price falls, they get indigestion. It is the safe way to eat - safe and dull. More adventurous folks play the futures market, the march a terme, agreeing to pay the price quoted when they call for the check at the end of their meal. Naturally, they hope the price will have fallen by that fateful moment. But hopes may be dashed by a flurry of buying, and the price may easily shoot up. Worse indigestion. The newly seated diners began preparing their gambling strategy by reading the trends. They saw that the prices of several dishes had already fallen by close to 6 francs--the limit for price changes up or down in any one eating-trading session. (A dollar is worth about 7 francs.) That left little room for further decline. There would be no point in ordering any of those dishes, no matter how delectable--unless, of course, the diner was more interested in eating than in successful speculation. The computer screen flashed chute du filet mignon, indicating that the price of that choice steak had already fallen 5 francs, to 50 francs a serving. A veal casserole with herbs had slipped 4 francs, to 48 francs. A rack of lamb chops for two, down 10 francs, was priced to sell for 110 francs a serving. As for the haddock, the computer reported a "sharp fall" of 5 francs a portion, to 57 francs. Other dishes were doing better. The screen showed that a "stampede" of orders for lotte had pushed the price of that pleasant Mediterranean fish up 4 francs to 62 francs a portion, making it an interesting speculation. If diners played the forward market, the price might be substantially lower when the time came to pay; of course, it could still rise another 2 francs before reaching the 6 francs ceiling. Occasionally, a diner's greed is outweighed by the thought of what he would have to eat to turn a profit. An example: "Victorious advance of the stuffed pigs' trotter," the computer flashed, marking it up 5 francs, to 43 francs. Surely it could only fall. But a lunch of pigs' feet? In the end, the diners chose a conservative strategy, ordering the special of the day, saddle of lamb, on the marche a terme. The lamb was trading at 39 francs a portion; up a modest 2 francs for the day thus far. The check arrived for the conservative diners: 228 francs for two, which is pretty good by Paris standards since it included a bottle of Beaujolais, a cheese-filled ravioli from the French Alps for a starter, homemade apple tart, and coffee. But the roast saddle of lamb stood at 38 francs, only a meager 1 franc cheaper than when it was ordered. Down the street, the Bourse was having one of its best days ever. [Inside tip: Sell-SHORT-Ribs, Buy-LONGustine. Bon appetit! Pierre] ******************************************************************************* Subject: The software that worked too well This story is nth hand, thus to be classified as rumor. But it is relevant to RISKS, so I pass it on, if only as a parable. SeaTac is the main Seattle-area airport. Ordinarily aircraft landings are from the north, and this end of the runway is equipped with all the sensing equipment necessary to do ALS (Automatic Landing System) approaches. The early 747 ALS worked beautifully, and the first of these multi-centaton aircraft set down exactly at the spot in the center of the runway that the ALS was heading for. The second 747 set down there. The third 747 landed on this part of the runway. ... As did all the others. After a while, SeaTac personnel noticed that the concrete at this point at the north end of the ALS runway was breaking up under the repeated impact of 747 landings. So the sofware was modified so that 3 miles out on the approach, a random number generator is consulted to choose a landing spot -- a little long, a little short, a little to the left or a little to the right. THE MORAL: Don't assume you understand the universe without actually experimenting. ******************************************************************************* "There are two things you are better off not seeing in the making -- sausages and econometric estimates." . . . a quote from Edward Leamer, economist at UCLA, stolen without permission from last week's Science. The article continues in this vein: " . . . people want answers to impossible questions and are overly impressed by answers that come out of a computer. [Kenneth] Arrow [of Stanford] makes an analogy with the theory of evolution. Asking an economist to accurately forecast next year's energy demand is like asking an evolutionary biologist what species will evolve next." ************************************************************************** DWARF-THROWING DEFENDED (Reuters) Brisbane,Australia - Organizers of a dwarf-throwing contest between Britain and Australia yesterday dismissed a public outcry against the event, saying the little people are "professional projectiles." The British team members are thrower Roy Merrin and dwarf Lenny the Giant. The Australian side has thrower David Barry and dwarf Wee Robbie. No team member has made any public comment on the matches. Matches begin Tuesday and will be played in Brisbane, Sydney, and Melbourne with the proceeds going to charity. David Naylor, editor of People magazine, which is sponsoring the contest, insisted,"They (dwarfs) don't feel degraded. They are professional projectiles." I think this raises some important questions... 1) What is the current world record for dwarf throwing? 2) Is this going to be an Olympic sport in 1988? A) Winter or Summer Olympics? B) If it is the Winter Olympics, is the dwarf frozen before being thrown? 3) How is this event scored? A) Distance on the fly? B) Does bounce and roll count? C) Does the dwarf have to remain in one piece? 4) In what type of arena is this sport contested? 5) In what year did the Russians invent this sport? ******************************************************************************* A guy wanders into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender provides it, and he drinks it down. When he finishes it, he starts nibbling on the rim of the glass. He keeps nibbling and nibbling until there's nothing left but the stem of the glass. He then throws the stem over his shoulder where it breaks into pieces on the floor. By now, quite a few of the patrons are watching this go on. He orders another martini, and repeats the performance; nibbling the rim of the glass around and around until there's nothing left but the stem, which he throws away over his shoulder. Several patrons are staring at him with their mouths open. He orders a third martini and does it all over again; nibbling down to the stem and throwing the stem over his shoulder. After the fourth time, he pays his bill and leaves. All of the other barflies are staring at him in amazement. The bartender says "That's the weirdest thing I ever saw!". "Yeah," says a customer, "he's throwing away the best part". ********************************************************************** Once upon a time, in the days of royalty, lived the Count of Hegula, and his sidekick, the Duke of Pearl. One night these crafty fellows decided to break into the queen's castle and steal the royal treasures. Unfortunately, as they were making away with the loot, they awakened one of the guards. The Count was caught, but the Duke escaped. Other guards were summoned to search for the Duke, but he could not be found. The next morning, the Count was brought before her majesty the queen. "Tell me who your accomplice was," she said, " and I will let you go free. I just want to get my jewels back." "No way, lady!" said the Count. "I will never tell you, nor anybody else. My pride is stronger than your greed." "Very well, then. Off with your head!" said the queen. "Guards, take this criminal to the executioner." As the guards escorted the man down the hall, one of them spoke: "Hey, Count, tell us who your helper was, and we can all escape together and share the treasure." "Get lost!" replied the Count. "I will never reveal my partner's name!" So the guards took the man into the execution room, and forced him to kneel beside the chopping block. A priest in the room then began to speak. "Dear Lord, please give this man the courage to admit his guilt, and let him tell us the name of his accomplice, so that he, too, may be forgiven." "Take off, preacher!" yelled the Count. "No stupid prayer is going to make me talk!" So the priest quietly exited the room. Then from a dark corner came the hooded executioner. He sharpened his large axe as the criminal remained calm, then he approached the chopping block. "Son," he said, "this is your last chance. Who helped you steal the queen's jewels?" "I have said it before and I will say it again: I WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE!!" the Count screamed. "OFF WITH MY HEAD!!" and he began to laugh. The executioner shook his head in disappointment, then started to raise his axe. The Count grew silent, then began to shake with fear. Just as the sharp blade was falling, he suddenly screamed out, "NO, WAIT!! I'LL TELL! I'LL T..." But he was too late! The axe had fallen, and his head hit the floor. And the moral of the story is: Don't Hatchet Your Counts Before They Chicken! ******************************************************************************* Joke! A guy is driving through Vermont when he sees some old fogey sitting on a rocking chair, rocking back and forth, looking like he hasn't moved since 1957. He asks they guy "Been rocking there all your life?" And the guy replies "Not yet!" Another shaggy dog story: In days of old when knights were bold there was on little runt who had to use a large shaggy dog instead of a horse. Well it seems that as he was out on a quest it started raining and very dark and gloomy. As it happened he came upon a castle and requested entrence to the establishment. He was admitted and soon he and his dog were drying themselves in front of the fire. Soon enought they were dry and comfortable and the day had turned to night and the storm had become worse. The knight prepaired to go and noted that the dog was just as wet as ever and even more shaggy looking than when they had came in. The lord of the castle looked the situation over and thought a while then proclamed: "I'll let you stay the night. I can't send a knight out on a dog like this" ************************************************************************* An Englishman is trying to hitch a lift in the Irish country side. Soon a mini-truck pulls up and the Englishman boards. "You look lost Lad. Where'er you off to?" asks the driver, an old Irishman. "Down this road 'bout 6 kilo- meters" the Englishman says. "Ah! y'er English. I'm a farmer. I'm off to the market to sell me horse and the pig." the farmer says as he points to the back. "These are dangerous parts, Lad, you shouldn't be out here alone, you know. That's why I carry this buffalo-rifle, you know, for safety." Just then, another truck approaches head-on on collision course. The farmer swerves back and forth to maintain control. After a lot of skidding, he hits a street-light pole and they all come flying out of the truck. The farmer gets up to assess the damage. He sees his pig, all cut up and barely breathing. He limps back to the truck, gets his rifle and approaches the pig. "Oh poor little piggy," he says, "All cut up and bleeding. Yer must be in terrible pain. I'll put ya out of yer misery". He points the gun at the pig and pulls the trigger and BOOM. Then he walks over to the horse which is also lying there bleeding. "Oh poor little horsey, all cut up and bleeding. Yer must be in great pain. I'll put ya out of yer misery". He points his gun at the horse and BOOM. Finally he looks the Englishman, who has been watching all this. Being hurt bad, he's struggling to get up. He has a slash across the side of his face, arms and legs cut up and bleeding badly and one eye squinting and blood trickling out of his mouth. The farmer walks over to the Englishman and asks, "Are ya alright?". The Englishman responds with a quivering voice while his hand is shaking with a nervous twitch, "Fine, I've never felt better in my life! Thanks for the ride." ************************************************************************* There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds. He proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This tale taking place in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review commitee to get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study. With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review commitee. This august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student. "There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances on these sea birds, but you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..." "Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned." ************************************************************************** These 3 guys are walking in the jungles of Africa when they are captured by a tribe of 7 foot tall, extremly mean black natives who have never seen a white person before. They turn to the first guy and say "You have been caught walking in the sacred jungle, where no whites are allowed. We are going to tie you to a tree, blow darts at you, throw knives at you, and use you for spear throwing practice." The guy turns white (r), grabs his gun, and shoots himself in the head. The natives are a little pissed. They turn to the second guy and say "UMGOWA. We are going to strip off all your clothes, cover you with honey, and stack you out over an anthill" Well, this guy doesn't like this prospect so he grabs the gun and shoots himself in the head also. The natives turn to the third guy and say "we are going to skin you alive, then use your hide to make a canoe." The guy doesn't like this one bit so he grabs a fork and starts stabbing himself all over yelling "Conoe?! Hears what I think of your lousy canoe!". *start* 14067 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 19 Jan 87 11:45:20 PST (Monday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.H To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* Subject: And woman is no coward She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use." In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." [From a review of "The Secret House", David Bodanis, Simon and Schuster. Summary: An ordinary house is a hidden world of microscopic life and scientific illumination.] ******************************************************************************* Subject: None of the Above From the Usenet newsgroup for discussion of California politics: From: gnu@hoptoad.uucp (John Gilmore) Newsgroups: ca.politics Subject: None of the Above Date: 14 Nov 86 11:09:54 GMT In article <709@sdcc13.ucsd.EDU>, kemasa@sdcc13.ucsd.EDU (kemasa) writes: > Although with a lot of candidates the way they are > I would love to change my name to "None of the Above", might get > to be prez that way. Actually, one of the candidates for San Francisco Supervisor did this a few years ago. Periodically one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (a group of gay men who drsss in habits and perform) runs for Supe. This time it was Sister Boom-Boom. She listed her occupation in the official voter's pamphlet as "Nun of the Above", which the state nicely translated for the Spanish voters. I'm sure a few of them wondered what an "Abuela del Cielo" (nun of the sky) is... ... ******************************************************************************* A man took his wife into the doctor for dizzy spells. Finding the doctor behind schedule the man went off to buy some christmas presents agreeing to meet at a close shopping mall. The wife was given a prescription and went shopping. Found a really wonderful hat and some gloves. When the husband rejoined her he commented "You're all dressed up and no 'vere to go". Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears. "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci. ******************************************************************************* Wrong Arm of the Law A judge admonished the police in Radnor, Pa., for pretending a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officials had placed a metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached the colander to the copier with metal wires. In the copy machine was a typewritten message: "He's lying." Each time investigators received answers they didn't like, they pushed the copy button. Out came the message, "He's lying." Apparantly convinced the machine was accurate, the suspect confessed. ******************************************************************************* Subject: Is this a good candidate for a Darwin Award? PUMPKIN CENTER, Okla. (UPI) An Oklahoma cowboy who was trampled by an ostrich he was trying to lasso was in critical condition Friday at a hospital in Boise, Idaho. J.T. Coody of Cache, Okla., was injured Sunday. Coody's brother, Dale Coody, 50, of Pumpkin Center, bought several ostriches in Boise to add to his ostrich farm at Pumpkin Center, east of Lawton. J.T. Coody was helping load the birds into a corral Sunday, when one ostrich broke loose and ran into a car and some fences, Dale Coody said. "J.T., being a cowboy as he is, decided to rope the bird," he said. "When he threw the loop, the bird dodged the loop and ran right over him." "J.T. Coody was struck by the ostrich's breast bone and was knocked unconscious." ******************************************************************************* Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? A. A Christian Science Monitor. ******************************************************************************* There was a man who fell in love with a beautiful young lady and asked her to marry him. She says "Be serious Sam. You're fat, you're ugly and your wardrabe is atrocious." So Sam loses 80lbs, gets a facelift, and a hair transplant, joins one of those health clubs and gets tanned and fit. Then he buys an all new up to date wardrobe. Now he goes back to the girl and says "Now whaddaya think?" She says "What a hunk! " and aggrees to a date. He arrives at her door with a limo. She comes out looking radiant, her eyes aglow with the promise of a never-to-be-forgotten evening. Sam has never been happier in his life. But..... As they walk to the limo lightning strikes him. In his dying words he says "Why now God? Why now on the happiest day of my life?" God looks down and says " Oh. Sorry Sam, didn't recognize you." ******************************************************************************* Sample cause-of-death reports from early 1800s in Missouri; ``Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead.'' ``Died suddenly, nothing serious'' ``Cause of death unknown; had never been fatally ill before.'' ``Don't know; died without the aid of a physician.'' ``death caused by blow on the head with an ax. Contributory cause, another man's wife.'' ******************************************************************************* Hitler and Goering are sitting around talking, one afternoon in 1940, and Goering remarks, "You know, whatever else you want to say about the Jews, you have to admit that they're clever, cleverer than Germans, even." "What?" says Hitler. "Jews clever? Don't be silly." "No, really, Fuehrer. I'll prove it to you. Come with me." So Goering takes Hitler outside into the streets of Berlin, to the china district. They walk down the main street, which is lined with stores selling pottery and table china. Goering chooses a store and takes Hitler inside. They go up to the counter, and the proprietor comes toward them. "Heil Hitler. How can I help you?" "I'd like to see some teacups," says Goering. So the store owner brings out a nice selection of cups, and spreads them out on the counter. "Mmm," says Goering, "these are very nice, but you see, I was really interested in some left-handed cups." "Some what?" asks the storekeeper, a bit confused. "Some left-handed tea cups. Have you any in stock?" The store keeper doesn't know quite what to make of this, so he shakes his head and says "No, I'm sorry but I'm all sold out." "Thank you anyway," says Goering, and leads Hitler back outside. They go down the street a bit and Goering pulls Hitler into another china shop. Again, he asks for left-handed tea cups. "I'm sorry," says the clerk. "I don't know what you mean." "Well, never mind. Thanks anyway." And Goering goes out of the shop, with Hitler following behind. "I don't understand," says the Fuehrer. "How is this supposed to prove that Jews are clever?" "Ah. Just wait." And Goering takes Hitler into the ghetto, the Jewish section of the city. Here everything is much poorer, but Goering manages to find a china shop. Again, he goes in, followed by Hitler, and asks to see some left-handed tea cups. "Certainly, sir. Here is a very nice one." And the Jewish storekeeper takes down a cup and places it in front of Hitler and Goering with the handle pointing toward the left. "Aha!" cries Goering, turning toward Hitler. "Didn't I tell you the Jews were clever?" And the Fuehrer answers, "I don't see what you're so excited about. He just happened to have one in stock, that's all." Shoshanna Green ******************************************************************************* " Did you hear about the fellow from Indiana who was arrested for smuggling books into Kentucky? They had to let him go 'cause the court couldn't prove they were books. " ******************************************************************************* Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk? A: An utter failure. ******************************************************************************* A man walks into the sherriffs office... "I want to become a deputy!" "Fine. I want you to catch this man." Hands the man a wanted poster. "Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots. What's he wanted for?" "Rustling." ******************************************************************************* OK, so this guy who's been painting lines down the middle of the road decides that the outdoor life is for him, and takes off to the Great White North to be a lumberjack. And after he's out there for a little while, he becomes an average, everyday lumberjack. One day, he's sitting there reading the Lumberjack Times, and sees an ad for a chainsaw. So he thinks to himself, "Self, this ad says that using this chainsaw will triple my output. I could sure use the money. I'll go check it out." And check it out he did. He trucked on up to the Lumberjack store, and bought the biggest, bestest chainsaw he could find. The salesman reminded our Lumberjack friend of the 10 day, moneyback offer that came with the chainsaw, and showed him to the door. Well, the first day the lumberjack used his new toy, he only was able to cut down about half of the trees he normally did. Well, he thought, it was merely because he wasn't used to it yet. The next day, he got up extra early, and worked an extra two hours, and only cut down about 3/4 of what he normally did. He was getting kinda discouraged now, but decided to give it one more try. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), the third day he barely managed to cut down what he normally did, working twice as long as usual to accomplish this. After recovering from his exhausting day, the following morning he set off to cause severe bodily harm to the unfortunate salesman. Arriving at the store, the lumberjack walked through the nearest wall and demanded to see the kind soul who had sold him the chainsaw. The quivering salesman approached, and the lumberjack launched into a detailed description of how the chainsaw failed to live up to its reputation. The salesman listened raptly, and told the lumberjack, "Well, I don't really understand how this could happen, but let's take a look at it. It's possible you've got a defective model there." So, the salesman takes a hold of the chainsaw, yanks on the cord, and starts the beast up. Whereupon the lumberjack says, "What's that noise?" ******************************************************************************* An airliner was going from New York to Los Angeles. After it had been in the air about an hour there was a loud BOOM and the plane shook violently. Naturally everyone became quite nervous. After about one minute the pilot came over the PA and very nonchalantly said "Ladies and Gentlemen, what we just experienced was nothing to be alarmed about. Our number one engine just went out. But I repeat there is no problem. Our numbers 2, 3, and 4 engines can easily carry us on into LA. However we will be a half hour late. Eventually everyone calmed back down. About an hour later there was another loud BOOM and the plane lunged again. Thirty seconds later the pilot came over the PA again and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just lost our number 2 engine. But I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about. Our numbers 3 and 4 engines can easily carry us on into LA. However we will be an hour late. Sure enough, about an hour later there was yet another BOOM. The pilot immediately came over the PA and said "Ladies and Gentlemen our number three engine just went out but again let me reassure you that there is still no danger. Our number 4 engine is plenty powerful enough to get us to LA. However, we will be 3 hours late. At this point a passenger, disgusted, leaned over to the guy sitting next to him and said "Man, I hope that number 4 engine doesn't go out or we're gonna be up here all day!" ******************************************************************************* Having just learned that the French equivalent of the American 'Polish joke' is the Belgian joke, I relay the following: The Belgian government has decided that the British system of driving on the left side of the road may have significant advantages over their present right side of the road system, so they have scheduled an experiment: Starting on the first of January, and for the next six months, all cars in Belgium will be required to drive on the left side of the road. If, as expected, the experiment is a success, then trucks will also start driving on the left ... ******************************************************************************* Air Italia from NYC to ROME. The plane has taken off and the pilot comes in over the intercomm, "Ladies and Gentalmen, Welcome to flight 745 NYC to Rome. We will be crusing at 40,000 ft for a 5 hr flight ...Blah blah blah... and thank you for flying Air Italia." About an hour later.. Pilot comes on the intercomm again. "Ladies and gentalmen we are having trouble with the outboard starboard engine and we have shut it down ..This will add 2 hrs to our flight so just sit back and Blah..blah..blah and thank you for flying Air Italia." ..... Several more interupts and all engines have been shut off... The plane is still over the Atlantic... Pilot: "Ladies and Gentalmen we are going to have to land in the water, All of you who can swim please gather near the wing exits and swim for the shore...we will be about 6 hrs away those of you who can't swim Thank You for flying Air Italia." *start* 09833 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 19 Jan 87 11:46:00 PST (Monday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.I To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* Two MIT students are piloting a plane, when they discover that they must make an emergency landing. Luckily enough, there is a nearby (unused) airstrip, so they decide to land there. As they fly over it, one says, "that's an awfully short runway; I don't know if we can land on it." The other points out that there's no choice, so they have to try. They bring the plane in as slowly as possible, touching wheels right at the beginning of the runway, and immediately hit the brakes. The plane slides to a halt with the front wheels hanging off the runway's end. One student turns to the other and says, "We made it, but this is the *SHORTEST* runway I've ever seen." The other says, "Yeah, but it must be at least two miles *wide*." ******************************************************************************* Two cannibals were talking. Cannibal #1: "You know, I *hate* your mother-in-law." Cannibal #2: "That's okay, just eat the noodles." ******************************************************************************* A plane is flying over the Atlantic. Suddenly they hit some turbulance, and the plane starts to become unmanagable. The pilot comes on the intercom and says, "Please remain calm everyone, its just a little turbulance, and soon it will over". They continue shaking and swaying, and the turbulance gets worse. Many people are airsick. The Plane starts to oscillate badly, side to side, up and down. The captain comes on the intercom and says "I'm afraid we'll have to attempt a crash landing folks, the plane is too unstable to handle!" Suddenly an engineer jumps up and yells "Don't panic! Are there any Polish people aboard?" Sure enough there is a large Polish family aboard. "Quick, all you people move over to the left hand side of the plane!" The family moves over and the plane stablizes. The captain comes out and says, "Hey, thats amazing, why did the plane calm down like that when you moved the family over to that side of the plane?". The engineer replies "Everybody knows that a system is stable only if all the poles are on the left hand side of the plane!" ******************************************************************************* Two U.S. salesmen were traveling through Africa on a business trip. This particular leg of the trip was by ferryboat. In the middle of the lake the ferryboat struck a submerged object and sank, leaving the two salesmen and of the other passengers in the water. From the boat the passengers could see numerous alligators beginning to swim toward them. Says one salesman to another: "Isn't that typical for Africa? They can't afford enough food for the people, and yet the rescue boats are from Lacoste!" ******************************************************************************** Q. How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Seven, one to hold the bulb and six to drink until the room starts to spin. ******************************************************************************** During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. "But why?" a bystander asked. "Because," the manager replied "I hate ... "chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!" ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** A gang of teenaged clams were wandering around their turf (stretch of beach) one day when they say a huge machine constructing a pier. The machine would drive a huge wooden pole into the sand, pull itself out farther, drive another pole, etc., gradually working its way out to sea. The clam gangleader said "Hey, dudes, let's go check it out!" So all the clams started off to examine the machine except for one of the younger ones, who held back. The leader said "Yo, dude, what's the problem?" "Well, gee, I don't know," the young clam replied, "somebody might get hurt." The entire gang yelled "Chicken! Chicken!" "I am not!" the young clam said. "Let's go." So they all wandered off towards the machine, and watched it pound poles into the surf for a while. Then one clam said to the little one, "I dare you to go up next to that machine." "Uh-uh." The young clam said. "It might squoosh me." "What are you, chicken?" [NOTE: this is NOT a chicken-of-the-sea-joke.] "No, I'm not. Why don't YOU do it?" "Umm...well..." the older clam hesitated, then saw the rest of the gang looking at him. Having no other choice, he moved slowly towards the machine. When he was about ten feet away, he looked back and called, "Okay, I'm here." The other clams yelled back "No! Get closer!" and the like. Afraid to lose face, the clam trudged up to the machine. Sure enough, the next pole came down directly on top of him, killing him instantly. And do you know what he died of? Pier pressure. ******************************************************************************** Once upon a time there was a man who owned a pen that he cherished. He would use this pen at any available opportunity. He loved having to sign his name because it gave him a chance to use his pen. If he had nothing to do he would always be found doodling with his pen. He kept it for years and years and used it often. Sadly, one day it ran out of ink and there was no way to refill it. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away. He wanted to find some way that he could still get some kind of use out of it. He came upon a brilliant idea. He had the pen melted down into the shape of an urn so that when he died his ashes could be placed inside the urn and thus he could spend eternity with his pen. The moral of the story?......... A Pen He Saved is a Pen He Urned ******************************************************************************** I was drivin' down the boulevard this morning, and I saw this girl was trying to cross the road, she was the FATTEST girl I'd seen in my whole life! I had to run her down 'cause I didn't think I had enough gas to drive around her! Q: What goes click, click, click, "is that it"?, click, click, click, "is that it"?, click, click, click, "is that it"? A: Stevie Wonder playing with a Rubick's cube. ******************************************************************************** How fat was he????? He was so fat that I had to run him down 'cause I didn't think I had enough gas to drive around him. He was so fat, we would take him to MacDonalds to watch the numbers change. He was so fat, when he got a shoeshine he had to take their word for it. He was so fat, when he stood on a corner, a cop would come along and tell him to break it up. He was so fat, when he'd walk out onto the beach after swimming in the ocean, three guys from Greenpeace would try to throw him back in the water. ******************************************************************************** How do you know when a polish person has been using the word processor? There is white-out on the screen ******************************************************************************** Soviet Premier Brezchnev is visiting France. They show him Versailles, they show him the Louvre, they show him Notre Dame. He is not really impressed. Finally they show him the Eiffel Tower. "What do you think of that?" Ho ho! He looks up, thinks for a moment, and says, "There are nine million people in Paris." "Yes?" "Do you think one watchtower is enough?" ******************************************************************************** Subject: Scotch Eriskay, the Scottish island whose inhabitants have been drinking free scotch since 1941, is returning to the real world. The 200 residents have finally drunk through the 20,300 cases of scotch they salvaged from a shipwreck on rocks off the island 45 years ago. Eriskays remarkable windfall was enshrined by Compton Mackenzie's novel Whiskey Galore, made into a delightful movie in 1948 during Britain's post-war golden age of filmmaking. It's been such a marvellous party that we don't want to think about the shock that awaits Eriskay people at the bar and the off-license when they see what 45 years have done to the price of scotch. ******************************************************************************* A rabbit was out hopping one day when he came across a bottle. Nudged it a bit and the cork fell off. A geni floated out. "You get one wish for opening the bottle" (A cheap geni, must have been cutbacks that year.) The rabbit thought a bit and said "I've always enjoyed music." (A cultured rabbit.) "Could you make be a piano for a symphony?" So this become a case of "Hare today, grand tomorrow." ******************************************************************************* Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. ******************************************************************************* Consider the following: Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ******************************************************************************* Instructions on a package of fresh tortellini: "... boil for 8 minuets ...". Dance While You Cook!