*start* 16055 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 19 Jan 87 11:58:04 PST (Monday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.J To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************** ----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes ----- Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None a ya damn business! A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. A': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. Q: How many hardware folks/FSE's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A': None. They always work in the dark!!!! Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A:: None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Q': How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's "Women" and it's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A'":Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry their own light with them. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983 Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: ---- You should have hit "n"! Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many junkies does it take? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace." (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a discrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All of them. Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.") Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought. Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one. Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. Q: How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke? A: The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08 . So it takes about 12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke. Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! Q: How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke? A: 1000: One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a hardware problem" *start* 19972 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 19 Feb 87 18:34:13 PST (Thursday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.K To: cc: , Cate3 What I Did Over Christmas Break. I bought 200 acres of land but they were all stacked on top of each other. I used my TRS-80 to start World War III, but I got arrested for disturbing the peace. I built an anti-gravity device and strapped it to my skis, but I forgot to install an 'off' switch so I had to pay for the chairlift rides down. I found the Loch Ness monster and discovered the reason it so seldom emerges is that it has cable. I divided eight by three and discovered a previously unknown integer called 'eithreeght.' I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes but it didn't work. I had a paper due and I asked for more time so now the universe is going to last an extra week. When I asked for more time right away I got six days all at once. I taped David Letterman and you should have heard him scream when he pulled it off his chest. I squeezed some fresh orange juice but soon discovered that orange juice is incompressible. I bought one of those key rings that beeps when you clap, then I lost my hands. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hot Dogs Employed in Robbery Threat From AP: Cleveland Heights, Ohio - Murshin A. Rahman, 37, of University Heights, was charged with aggravated robbery after he allegedly held up a savings and loan using a package of hot dogs. Rahman was held without bond pending an appearance today in Municipal Court. Police said the suspect told a teller that the brown leather attache case he was holding contained a bomb. The teller gave him an estimated $2400. Police caught the suspect and found that the bomb consisted of hot dogs wrapped in foil, with wires leading to a wad of putty. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two Brians are piloting a plane, when they discover that they must make an emergency landing. Luckily enough, there is a nearby (unused) airstrip, so they decide to land there. As they fly over it, one says, "that's an awfully short runway; I don't know if we can land on it." The other points out that there's no choice, so they have to try. They bring the plane in as slowly as possible, touching wheels right at the beginning of the runway, and immediately hit the brakes. The plane slides to a halt with the front wheels hanging off the runway's end. One Brian turns to the other and says, "We made it, but this is the *SHORTEST* runway I've ever seen." The other says, "Yeah, but it must be at least two miles *wide*." ******************************************************************************* A tough looking fellow swaggers into a bar. He is wearing a t-shirt with the statement, "I hate little Henrys" printed on it. Naturally, a little Henrys is standing at the other end of the bar. He sees the message on the t-shirt and immediately charges up to confront the wearer. "What does that say?" he shouts to the wearer. "You see," says the wearer, "you little Henrys can't even read!" Becoming more furious, the little Henrys says, "What did you say?" The t-shirt wearer responds, "And that's another thing -- you little Henrys can't hear, either!" By now, the little Henry is ready to explode and he yells, "All right, that's it! Get your *** outside so we can settle this once and for all!" Just as they get outside, the little Henry takes a really large knife out of his pocket, flicks it open and says, "Now, sucker, let's get on with it!" The fellow in the t-shirt draws a pistol from his pocket and replies, "And that's the worst thing about you little Henrys. You are so dumb that you bring knives to gun fights!" ******************************************************************************* Q: How many little Henrys does it take to change a light bulb? A:: None: little Henrys aren't afraid of the dark. Q: How many little Brians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong little Brians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many little Brians gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. ----------------------------------------------------------------- From this week's Science: "Seitz notes that Sagan published the nuclear winter thesis in Parade magazine a month before it appeared in Science. He [Seitz] writes: "The peer review process at Parade presumably consisted in the contributing editor conversing with the writer, perhaps while shaving -- Sagan is both." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Health Books Mark Twain warned against reading them. He said, "You might die of a misprint." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: New Yorker Humor From the 1/19/87 New Yorker: ---------- Adv. in the Eagle, newspaper of the American University: "ACCURATLEY YOURS Professional word processing company. Open 24 hours every day." New Yorker comment: "Maybe you need a little rest." ---------- From the California Aggie, newspaper of UC Davis: "'I found people are happy with the Constitution.' Schjoth said. 'After 200 years, it is still working effectively.' It is the Supreme Court's responsibility to translate the document, he said. The question remains whether 12 people can translate the Constitution for the entire nation." New Yorker comment: "...or if perchance nine might suffice." ---------- From Newsday: "The plot is less than the sum of its parts. It concerns an unconventional family -- a free-spirited mother and her three young-adult children -- that visits an English seaside resort. There they meet a young dentist, who falls in love with the older daughter, his grumpy landlord, the mother's nervous soliciter, the friendly waiter, and a stuffy barrister." New Yorker comment: "Maybe it's dentistry that makes the world go round." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Why do cows have long legs? It they didn't it would lead to their utter destruction. ----------------------------------------------------------------- COMPUTER KILLERS OF MARIETTA MARIETTA, GA. -- If you *really* hate that clunker computer of yours, you can put it in the car, drive to the Bullet Stop in Marietta, GA (off Cobb Drive at Powder Springs Rd.) and put it out of its misery on the two-year old shop's firing range. With a machine gun. Cathy Lavista of The Bullet Stop explains, "We had an Apple, a little old Apple, and there was a Xerox copy machine. Hewlett-Packard also brought in one of their printers, one of the great big ones, and set circuit boards on top of them. And they blow apart nicely -- little pieces go everywhere. You wouldn't need a very big gun. You could knock it out with 50 rounds off an HK, a German machine gun. Then if you really want to finish it off you could put it out of its misery with a Thompson sub-machine gun. That shoots .45 caliber shot, it's the old gangster gun, and it really cleans it up." Of the customers: "They shoot from pretty close. By the time they get them in here they hate them. They usually take them out at 30 feet, you like to see what you're doing. When we sweep the range we find little bytes and pieces of things." (She laughs at her cleverness on that last line.) Actually, Ms. Lavista says, computers aren't the only things The Bullet Stop will let you shoot. "You can shoot it as long as you can get it through the doors and it's already dead. We had to open a side door for the printer." ----------------------------------------------------------------- From the Friday Jan. 23, 1987 S.F. Chronicle, Herb Caen Column. Bomb scare at the Presidio PX! Joanna Moore, wife of Col. Brian Moore, suddenly found herself surrounded by grim faced bomb squaders, MPs and firemen when her handbag exploded in a cloud of mysterious smoke. What had happened: her collection of matchbooks from recent restaurant forays was to close to her Bic and a can of hair spray, producing instant blast-off. After pledging allegiance to Ronald Reagen and the Republican Party, she was released, muttering, "If I were a terrorist I'd never have used my best eelskin bag." She was not burned except metaphorically. ----------------------------------------------------------------- In the begining the Lone Ranger didn't have Tonto or even Silver. He did have a horse named Diablo. And before every mission he would Mount Diablo. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Are you tired of seeing the same old list of "excerpts from accident reports on insurance claims" that gets remailed every few months or so? Well, here's a different batch of similarly confused writing. [What follows is from the AP news wire; reprinted without permission.] LEESVILLE, La. (AP) - "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," one parent wrote. "Please execute him." That death sentence was inadvertently recommended in a note which a parent who was in a hurry or possessed of an uncertain vocabulary wrote to excuse a child's absence from school in Vernon Parish. Duplicated copies of some of the parish's more astonishing excuse notes were given out at a School Board meeting this month. "Some of them were obviously made up by students," Richard Carter, assistant principal of Leesville High School, said Wednesday. But most, he said, were probably legitimate excuses written by parents in the rural northwest Louisiana parish. In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect innocent and guilty alike. One parent appeared to have taken drastic action: "Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot." Another had a more comprehensive request: "Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault." "Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33," wrote a parent who lives by an unusual calendar. "Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover," wrote one who apparently expected the school to be tolerant of social follies. "Mary could not come to school today because she was bother by very close veins," wrote one parent. "Fred has an acre in his side," said another. And in an extreme case of people losing things, "Please excuse Fred from P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip." In a confusion of office work and medical terms, one parent wrote: "Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She is administrating." And several had a racier tone: "Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well." "Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor." "Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Remark on the efficacy of fortune-tellers, from the memoirs of a New York policewoman: I've been told lots of things by [gipsy fortune-tellers], but I've never been told that I was a plainclothes policewoman about to arrest them. ----------------------------------------------------------------- BUMPER STICKER SEEN ON A CAR IN FLORIDA: "Leaving Florida? Take a friend." -The Commision Against Progress in Florida ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Praise or attack? Open-Apple, Feb '87 mentions a Wall Street Journal article... Recently, Apple Computer Inc. purchased a $14.5 Cray Research supercomputer to aid in the design of their next-generation Apple computers. John Rollwagen, Cray Research Inc. chief executive, told Seymour Cray about how Apple was using their newly purchased Cray supercomputer. "There was a pause on the other end of the line, and Seymour said 'That's interesting, because I'm designing the next Cray with an Apple'." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Heard on the radio Heard on Charles Osgood's "Newsbreak" this morning, in a story about nobody being perfect: A woman in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida was recently fired from her hotel job for poor performance. However, the hotel fired her while she was on jury duty. There's a state law in Florida that says you can't fire anyone while they're on jury duty. The woman sued, and even though her job only paid $375 a week, she was awarded $2.8 MILLION. She was given $200,000 in compensatory damages, and $2.6 million in punitive damages. By the way, every member of the jury was, of course ... on jury duty. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from a recent issue of InfoWorld: "...One of the best rumors of the week is that Apple has come up with an alternative to the mouse: a light pen that lets you point and click in thin air. It has no tablet and no wires, just a disconnected box that plugs into the mouse port on the back of the machine. You draw in space and click using a button near the tip." There's the ticket to business acceptance of the Mac: The boss walks in and sees everybody with their hands in the air waving this light pen around. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A family I know had two cats and one infant. One of the cats died, and the other was lonely. The cat wandered through the house looking for company. He decided that the best bet would be the creature closest to his own size, namely, Joshua. One day, Joshua's mother heard the kid hollering like mad. She went rushing into the room, to find that the cat had started grooming Joshua! The poor kid's hair was all slicked down, and the cat was starting on the kid's eyebrows. I imagine I'd be startled to find myself being groomed by a cat, too. Shortly after that, the family inherited another cat, so the baby was safe from being licked to death. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Arthur C. Clarke's Law : It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Recipe for LARGE quantities of soapsuds: 1. Fill a large bucket with hot water. 2. Empty contents of one bottle of dishwashing detergent into bucket (Ivory, Joy, Dawn, or equivalent). 3. Drop in a few pounds of dry ice that has been crushed to small pieces. 4. STAND BACK! Recipe will fill a phone booth, or a small room (or even a big one). A friend and I once did this in the bed of his truck. While stopped at traffic signals the whole bed would fill up to the rim with suds. Then, as we would accelerate away from the light, large "chunks" would break loose and waft lazily through the air, causing much consternation to the traffic behind. On the freeway the result was much smaller pieces of suds billowing out of the back of the truck. It looked like a snowstorm! It's funnier to see than the description sounds. We were hysterical. Also, the soap can be omitted from the above to obtain fog. A phone booth that is opaque with dense fog looks pretty strange too. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Last month, after one the boats was eliminated from the Cup, the crew members decided to go sightseeing for kangaroos. Sure enough, they were successful: They were motoring through the bush when the car hit a kangaroo with a thud. The driver was taken aback. But then he decided it might be neat to take off his official team Gucci jacket, put it on the limp kangaroo, prop up the animal and pose for pictures with it. This worked fine until the kangaroo, who was merely stunned, woke up and bounded away - with the car keys inside the jacket. The stranded crew eventually made it back to civilization, but only after a long, long walk. ----------------------------------------------------------------- When some people immigrate to the United States they often try to assimulate the culture. This can be difficult at first, for example the fourth of July, and Thanksgiving are hard to understand without knowing American history. Well a man named Ali moved into San Jose in late October, heard about Halloween and did some research. He brought candy and organized a small party with some relatives. Halloween night Ali's wife commented to her brother. "Some times my husband is weird" "Oh how so?" "Right now Ali's bobing in thorny leaves." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 13 Feb 87 09:56:57 pst From: hplabs!cae780!tektronix.TEK.COM!uw-beaver!ssc-vax!wanttaja@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU (Ronald J Wanttaja) To: hplabs!CSL.SRI.COM!RISKS Subject: Re: The student's extra $25,000 At a recent aviation safety conference, Jack Eggspuler told a story similar to that of the student with the extra $25,000 credited to his account [Steve Thompson, RISKS-4.46]: He had banked for years at a small-town bank. One day, a large banking conglomerate bought up the small bank. After this, Jack noticed that his deposits weren't being listed. He went into the bank to talk to them. It turned out that his account number, which had been assigned to him when the bank was independent, was identical to Borden Industries' account number with the conglomerate. Yup, his penny-ante deposits were going into Borden's account. He thought it was straightened out. A week or so later he went in to cash a check, and asked for his balance. It was: $9,238,345.35. Ulp! He thought of a new Piper, but settled for a copy of the printout. He's got it hanging on his wall... GIBU: Garbage in, Bucks out? ----------------------------------------------------------------- here is one someone at work told me... Why do floresent lights hum? cause they don't know the words ----------------------------------------------------------------- FAMOUS LAST WORDS "I think there's a world market for about 5 computers." - Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948) "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project "This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." - Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, five days before the Crash of 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre "God himself could not sink this ship." - Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." - Dr. Lee De Forest "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Movie Chinese [...] As an aside, I have a friend who is Korean and in the martial-arts skit in Kentucky Fried Movie where the bad guy is giving some sort of speech in "Chinese", he claims what he really is saying (in Korean), is something like: "I'm really embarassed to be doing this and the only reason I'm doing it is because they're paying me a lot of money. So here I am saying nonsense that you probably wouldn't understand unless you were Korean." ------- Message 2 I've heard that, in TORA TORA TORA, Richard "But The Japanese Never Signed The Geneva Convention" Loo, when interrogating an American officer in "Japanese", was really asking him things like, "DO YOU WANT DUCK SAUCE WITH YOUR EGG ROLL?!?" in Chinese (he used to work in a Chinese restau- *start* 22042 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 27 Feb 87 14:49:32 PST (Friday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.L To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************* The Man from Snowy River by A.B (Banjo) Paterson There was movement at the station for the word had passed around That the colt from Old Regret had got away And had joined the wild bush horses he was worth a thousand pounds. So all the cracks had gathered to the prey All the tried and noted riders from the stations near and far Had mustered at the homestead overnight For the bushman love hard riding where the wild bush hourse are And the stock horse snuffs the battle with delight There was Harrison who made his pile when Pardon won the cup And the old man with his hair as white as snow But few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up He would go wherever horse or man could go. And Clancy of the overflow came down to lend a hand No better horseman ever held the reins For never horse could throw him while the saddle girths could stand And he learned to ride while droving on the plains. And one was there a stripling on a small and wheaty beast. He was someting like a race horse undersized With a touch of time all pony 3 parts thoroughbred atleast And such as are by mountain horsemen prized. He was hard & tough & wiry just the sort that won't say die There was courage in his quick impatient tread And he bore the badge of gameness in his bright & fiery eye And the proud & lofty carriage of his head But still so slight & wheaty one would doubt his power to stay And the old man said "that horse will never do" For a long & tiring gallup lad you better stop away Those hills are far too rough for such as you So he waited sad & wistful only Clancy stood his friend Oh I think we ought to let him come, he said And I warrant he'll be with us when he's wanted at the end For both his horse & he are mountain bred Oh he hails from Snowy River up by Cossie Osgos Side Where the hills are twice as steep & twice as rough Where a horses who strike firelight from the flintstones every stride And the man that holds his own is good enough And the Snowy Rivers riders on the mountains make their home Where the river runs those giant hills between I have seen full many horsemen since I've first commenced to roam But no way yet such horseman have I seen So he went. They found the horses by the big Mamoosa Club They raced away towards the mountain proud And the old man gave his orders Boy's go at them from the jump No use to try for fancy riding now And Clancy you must wheel them try & wheel them to the right And ride boldly lad & never fear the spills For never yet was rider that could keep that mob in sight If once they gained the shelter of those hills So Clancy rode to wheel them he was racing on the wing Where the best & boldest riders take their place And he raced his stock horse past them and he made the rangers ring With his stock whip as he met them face to face Then they halted for a moment while he swung the dreaded lash But they saw their well-beloved mountain full in view And they charged beneath the stock whip with a sharp & sudden dash & off into the mountain scrub they flew Then fast the horsemen followed where the gorge is deep & black Resounded to the thunder of their tread And the stockwhips woke the echos & they fiercely answered back From the cliffs & cracks that beetled overhead And upward ever upward the wild horses held their way Where courage young & mountain ash grew wide And the old man muttered fiercely "We may big the mob g-day" No man could hold them down the other side When they reached the mountain summit even Clancy took a pull It well might make the boldest hold their breath The wild hopo sscrub grew thickly and the hidden ground was full Of wombat holes & any slip was death But the man from Snowy River let the pony have his head & he swung his stock whip round & gave a cheer & he raced him down the mountain like a torrent down it's bed While the others watched in varied fear He sent the flintstones flying but the pony kept his feet Oh he cleared the fall & timber in his stride And the man from Snowy River never shifted in his seat It was grand to see that mountain horseman ride Through the stringy barks & sapling on the rough unbroken ground Down the hillside at a racing pace he went And he never drew the briddle till he landed safe & sound At the bottom of that terrible descent He was right among the horses as they climbed the farther hill And the watchers on the mountain standing mute Saw him ply the stockwhip fiercely he was right among them still As he raced across the clearing in pursuit Then they lost him for a moment where two mountain gullies meet In the rangers over the final glimpse reveals On a dim & distant hillside the wild horses racing yet With the man from Snowy River at their heels An he ran them single handed till their sides were white with foam He followed like a blood hound on their track Till they halted cowed & beaten then he turned their heads for home And alone & unassisted brought them back But his hearty mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur But his pluck was still undaunted and his courage fiery hot For never yet was mountain horse a cur And down by Cossie Osgo where the pine clad ridges raise Their torn & rugged battlements on high Where the air is clear as crystal & the white stars fairly blaze At midnight in the cold & frosty sky And where around thw overflow the reed beds sweep & sway Till the breezes & rolling plains are wide Oh the man from Snowy River is a household word today And stockmen tell the story of his ride. ******************************************************************************* STAR TREK V: THE SEARCH FOR SANITY First off, Kirk had decided to go back to ancient Bedrock to get his water buffalos, since these were a heartier breed than those found in 1989. He finds his two and heads Back to the Future. Meanwhile, the Royal Order of Water Buffalo, outraged at these futuristic buffalo thieves, send Fred, Barney, Wilma, Betty, Pebbles, Bam-Bam, Dino, and Hoppy out into space in a sleeper ship (they climb into turtlesaurus shells), since they hadn't perfected time travel yet. The ship is floating passed the Genesis planet when the Enterprise, in the act of self-destructing, bumps into it and sends it of course. (Go back and watch ST III. You'll notice, as the Enterprise begins its fall towards the planet, a vague, dinosaur-shaped craft richocheting off the hull. The stranded castaways get LOST IN SPACE for about two years, then crash onto Ceti-Alpha V, where Ceti eels kill Wilma and Betty. Outraged, our two heroes, Fred and Barney, rebuild their damaged craft into a Starshipasaurus, and head out into space, looking for the Starship that caused the death of their wives. In space, they encounter the new Enterprise, just leaving after delivering the buffalos to the Kelvins. Unbeknownst to our brave Capt. Kirk, the Kelvins' home planet has just been destroyed because the damn buffalos didn't know that cosmic secret handshake. Their leader, determined to chase Kirk round the moons of Antares, heads off after the Enterprise in their new DeathAndDestrction Star. Now, the action begins. The Enterprise fights a serious battle with the spaceshipasaurus, and eventually wins, although the battle took its toll on the Enterprise. As the spaceshipasaurus explodes, we see an escape pod go spiraling off into deep space, with a crippled Fred at the helm. He has to fashion a set of black body armor to survive his wounds. Meanwhile, the DeathAndDestruction Star drops out of hyperspace and looms overhead. The laser cannon starts to glow. All seems bad for the Enterprise crew, when who should come flying over the bow of the Enterprise, towards the DeathAndDestruction Star? You guessed it. George Jetson, in the Centurian SpacelyFighter. He flies down the Star's main corridor, and a shot of Spacely Sprocket-Torpedoes turns the Kelvin's evil machine into cosmic powder. Ah, but Kirk feels bad that he gave the Kelvin's some bum buffalos. He's caused the destruction of their planet. But, lo and behold. It seems that their were TWO Genesis torpedoes. One was beamed down to Regula. However, David Marcus was afraid that that at least one would be destroyed. So, using a technique that would make his father proud, he had closed his eyes, spun the coordinates dial of the transporter, and randomly beamed the other to a place unknown. He memorized the coordinates for later retreival. Unfortunately, he died before being able to disclose them. Which is too bad, since he had accidentally discovered the coordinates for beaming through time. Yup, the torpedo had materialized in the Bedrock Buffalo Institute, where Pat and Vanna (remember them?) had found it. Pat, thinking it a brontosaurus burger, ate it. Thus, when the Kelvin's planet had been destroyed, the torpedo exploded, causing the planet, the people, and the water buffaloes to be reborn. By a fluke of the transporter, the protomatter problem had been fixed, so all are stable. Even the spaceshipasaurus is regenerated, with all on board alive. The crew decide to go off and colonize a planet. George Jetson, who was actually from the 21st century, but was caught in a freakish accident that froze his life supportsystems, and returned him to Earth 200 years later, takes a liking to Wilma, who reminds him of his late departed Jane. Wilma, thinking that Fred must be dead, accepts George's proposal, and all go on to have a gay old time. Except Dark Fred, who, unknowing of his modern prehistoric family's new birth, is off in space, plotting revenge against Captain James T. Kirk. Coming Soon: Star Trek VI: The Fury of Fred directed by Magilla Gorilla If you liked the movie, you'll love the novelization, penned by noted SF author Boo-Boo Bear. ******************************************************************************* To cross-country skiers, grunvaarstooklas says it all by Colin McEnroe who writes for the Harford, CT Having taken up cross-country skiing a full month ago, I am now one of the leading authorities on the subject and recently skied nearly 18 yards without falling over - an incredible feat for a novice when you consider that the world record is - what? - 23, 24 yards? Anyway, I believe that record was set by a Norwegian, and those guys are practically born on skis. Although crude drawings of primitive northern Asiatic peoples show them practicing a sport in which live weasels were strapped to their feet, cross-country skiing as we know it evolved in northern Scandinavia and Greenland, two environments ideally suited to the sport because there is not one single other blessed thing to do there. Even today, Scandinavians frequently congregate by the thousands for great cross-country skiing festivals called "grunvaarstooklas," an untranslatable word embracing the concepts "severe frostbite" and "a withering of body parts." If you are wondering whether cross-country skiing is something you would like, take this short personality test. 1. My idea of a good time is: a: Dinner and a movie. b: Dynamiting a fish. c: Crashing headlong through 3 inches of rock-hard snow crust and coming to rest in sub-arctic powder with my face mashed up against a dead lemming. 2. The problem with most winter sports is that: a: They are controlled by Martians. b: I am controlled by Martians. c: They are not cold and frightening enough. 3. When I die, I want to: a: Go quick. b: Take Andy Rooney with me. c: Be impaled on a fiberglass ski pole. If you answered "c" to all three questions, you should either take up cross-country skiing or see if John Hinckley needs a roommate. One frequently asked question is: How many scorpions are molten in the dungarees? But that question is asked by people who are not making sense and are not the least bit concerned with cross-country skiing. A more relevant question has to do with selecting the right size ski. The way to measure is to stand flatfooted in the store and hold your arms straight over your head. This will allow the store personnel to extract your wallet and remove such money as they need. You are almost ready to begin, but first you must wax your skis. Dedicated cross-country skiers generally arise at 6 a.m. and begin waxing so they will have the shank of the late afternoon for actual skiing. There are about 11 different kinds of wax, each suited for a certain type of snow. To aid you in choosing a wax, there are incomprehensible charts, loosely translated from Finnish. Example: "Snow is clumping vhen you strike it mit penguin bone, ja? Blue vax is best." The key to good skiing techniques is to treat the skis as extensions of your feet, so that skiing is just like walking would be if you had 7-foot-long mutant unbreakable toenails. Then it's simply a matter of getting into the rhythm: step, push, glide, fall, scream, grovel, get up. Step, push, glide...(Note: Generally, it's a good idea to start your scream before you actually crash to the ground because ice crystals frequently embed themselves in your respiratory system and make screaming difficult.) Cross-country skiing is a great way to burn up calories. Just gettin up from one fall can frequently burn up the equivalent of a butt steak drenched in mushroom gravy, particularly if one of your skis is trapped under, simultaneously, your other ski, a frozen tree root and a disabled snowmobile. Fear stimulates the metabolism, too, so figure an extra 1,000 calories for every vicious wild animal that comes sniffing around you while you are in this helpless state. Certainly the ultimate satisfaction for every cross-country skier is that moment when he struggles back to his feet and realizes that the other skiers have gone on without him and that he is alone, in the woods, miles from civilization, strapped to equipment he does not understand, with little giblets of refrozen snow adhering to every inch of his body. If that's not "grunvaarstooklas," I'd like to know what is. ******************************************************************************* [The following text was generated by a computer. The precise manner in which it was generated is obscure, but relates to lexical analysis and markov chains and a program called "markov3" posted to the usenet network. This program was fed an entire book, a book by a certain Tibetan spiritual author whose work we happened to have on-line and available. The program than chewed over this book for an hour or two and regurgitated this, some of it highly amusing. To make it even more amusing, a human editor has pruned out the blatantly nonsenical and uninteresting parts, leaving only the jewels of computer-generated wisdom for your enjoyment. Since the editor only scanned 1% of the generated output, many more pearls are available. -- The editor] AUTOMATED ZEN "There are numerous sidetracks which lead to birth." "There are many things for us because we are not really transcendental at all." "The yidams allow you to stop caring altogether." "When fruit is ripe, it automatically falls away." "When we awaken, we refuse to see its simplicity, the rugged quality of the Buddha within oneself." "If we really let go of one's imagination and dream, then, equally, one is holding a lump of rock." "The emotions play the role of cold icy water, you accept it." "That is the true meaning of "the meeting of the illness in your sacred books."" "The problem lies in the sense of humor. It is a description of an enlightened being" -- because he feels dejected, helpless, and so on." "If you want to run away from temptation, we become vegetarians." "There is an accumulation of a second." "They are dancing around us and the dark, the good side, in order to comfort us. " "Patience also feels space." "Every texture we perceive has some spiritual implication automatically, and we attempt to anchor ourselves to the "promised land."" "Vajra is the interesting point. I think it will work." "Imagine if we proceed further and examine the Buddhist path from beginning to end, from the other direction as well." "You realize that openness is complete peace in all directions, so that pleasure is regarded as knowledge." ******************************************************************************* "Attempting to rob a bank, Gerald Rodgers handed a teller a note in which he treatened to blow up the bank with a bum. The bum, said the note would 'go of whenever I won't it too, and I won't hesitate to kill anybody starting with you first.' The note warned bank personnel against using 'markt money ... exsplosive rubber bands' and further directed, 'And you get of out thing alive. And whenever I leave act like nothing happen or eles.' Rodgers got away with $4550 - temporarily. It seems he had scribbled the note on one of his mother's checks, from which he's cleverly scratched out her name but left her account number." ******************************************************************************* From the 9 Feb. '87 New Yorker: CONSTABULARY NOTES FROM ALL OVER [from the Arcata (Calif.) Union] Tiffany's ice cream parlor alerted police to a person defacing the statue of William McKinley on the Arcata Plaza. Police apprehended a suspect and released him with a warning not to stick cheese in McKinley's ears and nose anymore. ******************************************************************************* I recently opened a fortune cookie and found the following fortune: "New encounters could change the course of your file." Is this a spelling error, or the start of a new wave of fortune cookies aimed at Computer Scientists? ******************************************************************************* Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy. Janet Long ******************************************************************************* Onward to the Dessertron (Gary Taubes - Physics Today, December 1983) The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a collossal doughnut-shaped accellerator so immense that all the jelly and cream in the world could not fill it. Dubbed the "Dessertron," it will create twin beams of ice cream - one vanilla, one chocolate - and smash them together at energies of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), 1000 times more powerful than any ice cream smasher ever made. Because matter and energy are equivalent in desserts - eternally linked by Einstein's famous equation, (extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption)­2 - when these beams collide they will do more than make soft yogurt. Theorists believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will be elementary flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening than any now known. "Every time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says high-calorie fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel prize for proving that at temperatures above 10­28 jimmies, strawberry rhubarb and French vanilla are both aspects of the same fundamental God-like flavor), "we have discovered something new. At one sprinkle, we discovered the banana. At a thousand, we figured out that frappes, westerns, malteds and milkshakes wre simply different variations of ice cream and milk. At a million, we discovered fudge and made brownies... and were content. The next big step was another factor of 1000, and quantum crust theories were invented as well as the Little Jack Hoerner uncertainty principle. It's clear that what we need to do is study desserts at several trillion sprinkles." In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug Administration recommended that the number-one priority in research for the next two decades should be the ice-cream accelerator officially named the Superconducting Super Osterizer (SSO). The mammoth blender, as they have proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several different speeds from puree all the way through whip. It would take twelve years to build and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice and make moist icing. Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine will find are the raspberry quark, the Higgs Sundae (which may be responsible for defining the calorific content of all fundamental desserts during spontaneous symmetry breakfasting), those desserts predicted by the theory techniflavor - which postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a fundamental dessert but is actually a bound state of more elementary desserts - and the particles of sugarsymmetry, which include spumpkin and specan pies, banino splits and banino cream pies and several different flavors of antipastries. Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest plum in science. Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCERNe and Sealtest have already put in bids for the machine, and many more are expected. The state of Texas has promised that if the machine is built in Texas, it will pay for the tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed to cool the ice cream down to a few degrees above absolute zero to save money on artificial preservatives. When the SSO is finished, it will assure US preeminence in desserts well into the 21st century, and, says Carob Rumraisin, the famous Italian fizzicist and discover of intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie cannoli, "Once this machine is built, American scientists will finally get their just desserts." (Gary Taubs is staff writer with `Discover' in New York City.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- *start* 26922 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 27 Feb 87 14:50:28 PST (Friday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.M To: cc: , Cate3 ******************************************************************************** A Chemist, an Engineer, and a Physicist were stuck on a desert island with one can of beans and no way to open it, so they all fell to thinking of ways to get at the food. Suddenly the Chemist yells, "I have it! We can make a compound from the sea water and the sand that will dissolve the can and leave the beans untouched!" The Engineer replies, "No, no - I found some driftwood and seaweed, and I have designed a contraption that will lift the lid off the can!" The Physicist remains silent. After awhile, the other two walk over to him and say, "Well? Don't you have a plan to get at the food?" The Physicist replies, "First, assume we have a can opener...." ****************************************************************************** Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four. One to ensure that the lightbulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it. ****************************************************************************** While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying the bills doing medical transcription work. I came across a book today called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered. Some of the best follow: (c) 1981 AAMT --------------------------------------------------------------------- d: Hesselbach's triangle t: House of Ox triangle d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe d: Patient is a primip. t: Patient is a prime rib. d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service. t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service. d: Varicose veins t: Very close veins d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation. t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation. d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis. t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis. d: If I may be of any help to you in the future along the way, please feel free to make an appointment for further evaluation in the meantime. d: When this man straightens his head and puts it under his chin, he gets some relief. d: The patient was placed under the microscope. d: Extremities: The patient wears a toupee and there is a right inguinal hernia. d: Patient has pain after intercourse in his chest. d: Mother died at age 91, has good health and is active mentally. d: Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies. d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly, and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly. d: Get this: 100 mg., enough for a small hippo! d: This is a letter to O.B. Tate. Dear O.B. No, Dear Ms. Tate -- I don't know, maybe it's a man. Dear person Tate. I don't know what you say. Dear person Tate. No, you can't say that. Dear Ms. Tate. Oh, make something up. d: The patient was taken to delivery where she gave birth to a male-female infant. Oops! There isn't any such thing, is there? d: His tongue was slightly hairy. Yes, that's what I said, hairy. d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never remember at the proper time. d [On phone to the x-ray technician]: I'm sending over a hand. Maybe an arm will come later. Maybe a body will come with it. d: This is the phantom of the phone. d: The patient is here with a rash which I sent over to Dr. Blank. d: The patient went to the bathroom shortly after the sigmoidoscopy and produced a prolapse, which she brought back to the office. d: He was discharged to home with the Visiting Nurses following him. d: Despite treatment, the patient improved. d: She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. d: Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for past 10 years. Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing abdominal girth, etiology unknown. d: Family history: Mother, age 87, is a diabetic. Father lives with an ulcer. d: We do not feel this patient has any significant physical disease at the present time, and for this reason we have advised her to return to you. d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return when she felt better. d: Patient became pregnant with an IUD. d: Because of the age of the patient, speed was increased for fear of the patient going bad on the table. d: Both marital problems are teenagers. d: Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre suicide note. d: On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket. d: He breaks out with cats. d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds and broke her ankle. The birds were not injured. d: Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy. d: The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits. d: Contusion of the leg secondary to nausea and vomiting. d: It is my feeling at this time still that Mr. Blank is still in need of surgical correction in order to provide a more definitive direction and solution to the problem that is at hand. d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released. d: Here a pain, there a pain, everywhere a pain, pain. d: Past History: Four children and an appendectomy. d: The only complaint of this 74 year old woman is that the wind keeps blowing her off her motorcycle and she suffers aches and pains because of this. d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should have picked different parents. d: I gave the x-rays to the patient to carry with him so he could show and tell. d: Preoperative diagnosis: Had enough kids. Desires tubal ligation. d: The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. d: Patient was in an auto accident in 1965 and sustained a whiplash injury for which she received heat and exercise and $3,000 compensation. d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of breath on motion but not on talking. d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league game of the season when he was sliding into home plate. The patient was safe, but his ankle was out. d: He was a very pleasant person to talk with until he discovered that I am a psychiatrist. At that point, he became markedly hostile and belligerent, threatening to do great bodily harm to me if I did not leave the room immediately. The interview, therefore, was terminated very rapidly and a complete mental status is indeed not possible. d: I don't think I have ever run into anything quite like this patient; however, I think with a great deal of courage, keeping our eyes upward, moving onward and upward, maybe we shall push through to the ultimate victory as England did in those dark days of Dunkirk. I now find that she is tired and she is nervous and she is not awake enough and she is not asleep enough. She is not right enough, left enough, up enough, and she is not down enough. I have decided that this whole thing can be cured by that magic pill which I will get from the pharmacy. This little bottle of pills will probably go into her purse along with seven other bottles of pills of which she takes only about one half. She can't handle the ¬¬¬¬¬¬ so I told her to take [a vitamin preparation]. This has a little booze in it and may help her. She will return in one month. d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an acid trip. d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow. d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his con- sultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing. d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report. She made a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning following surgery. Following that, she was lost in confusion, and repeated attempts to locate her through the hospital information center failed to locate the patient until the morning of the 15th when she phoned me stating that she was still in the hospital in room 5309 ... Her unusual length of stay in the hospital was not intentional and it was due to misunderstanding and confusion and inability to locate the patient until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital course was uneventful and she was discharged. d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the relationship did not work out. ****************************************************************************** What did the valley girl say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? Like, thanks for the refill. ****************************************************************************** What do you call an Americanised Asian? -Disoriented ****************************************************************************** Know why they don't let government workers look out the window in the morning? So they'll have something to do in the afternoon! ****************************************************************************** Q: How many disarmament folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: They won't, because: 1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?" 2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over." 3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere." 4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will have on the future of mankind." 5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet." 6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct." 7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity." 8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need." 9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!" ****************************************************************************** There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar, in that they were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd. One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up. When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?" He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you.. There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!" ****************************************************************************** Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !" " That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday ? " ****************************************************************************** One day a mother stork was caring for her baby stork while her husband was out. The baby was crying because it wanted it's father and the monther replied that "Your father is out delivering babies to human parents and making them very happy." The next evening the mother was out speading the joy and the baby stork was was now crying for it's mother. Dad told the baby the "Mother will be home soon, right after she is finished spreading happiness to all the human parents". Well, that very next evening it was the parents turn to worry as baby was gone from the nest and they didn't know where he was. The next morning, baby flies in and the parents immediately ask him where he has been all night. "Well, I've just been scaring the heck out of college students!" ****************************************************************************** Once there was a girl named French Fry. She lived next door to a guy named Tater Tot. Now Tater Tot was a real stud(spud?) - he drove a Mercedes, had loads of money, was real good looking - everything French Fry's parents wanted in a son-in-law. But every time they brought this up, French Fry would say, "I don't want to marry Tater Tot. I want to marry Howard Cosell!". And her parents would always reply, "you can't marry Howard Cosell. He's only a commontater." ****************************************************************************** A man became suspicious of his wife. He was convinced that she was having an affair with another man although she consistantly denied it. One day he decided to leave work early to try to "catch her in the act". Pulling into the parking lot (they live on the 8th floor of an apartment building), he sneaks up the stairs. Upon reaching the door of the apartment, he hears his wife laughing inside. Trying to open the door silently, he slips and bangs his head against the door with a resounding "BOOM!" but still manages to make a fairly rapid entry. Inside, he sees his wife (looking a bit sheepish) with 2 half filled glasses and a wine bottle. Accusing her of an affair again, she claims that they were both for her. Not believing this for an instant, he makes a rapid search of the apartment, finishing in the kitchen. Finding no one else puts him into a rage and he looks out the kitchen window. There, 8 stories below is a young man rushing out of the building putting on his tie. The husband, convinced that he has found the adulterer goes completely off the deep end, picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, immediately suffers a heart attack and dies. (Setup complete) ------ For those not of the Christian faith: St Peter is believed to stand guard at the gates of heaven to interview each candidate and send him to heaven (good), hell (bad) or purgatory (sort of in the middle). (No flames on this one please, it's just a joke.) ------ At the gates of heaven are three men waiting to get in. St. Peter asks the first one "How did you come to be here my son?". The man replies "Well, this is going to sound strange but I was late for work and was running out of my apartment when this refrigerator dropped out of the sky and killed me." St. Peter checks his books, shakes his head in amazement at what the world below is coming to, and lets the man in. The second man says "Now I feel really bad. I was convinced that my wife was having an affair. When I saw the previous gentleman rushing out of my building, I thought I had found him. I lost control of my temper and threw the refrigerator onto him. The strain was too much for my heart and I died of a heart attack leaving my innocent wife to fend for herself." St. Peter consults his books for some time, balances the incident against the man's prior life, makes some nondescript sounds and decides to let the man in. After making a number of notes in his books, St. Peter turns to the third man who says: "Well, I was just sitting there in this refrigerator..." ****************************************************************************** Seems there was a barber in Chicago by the name of Joe Garibaldi. Joe loved to brag to his customers that he "knows everybody who's anybody". The walls of the shop are resplendent with autographed pictures of celebrities and notables. One regular customer grows a little weary of hearing all the bragging, and decides to call Joe on it by telling him "I bet you 50 bucks you don't even know Sinatra!" "Frankie?" sez Joe, "We were childhood buddies. For the price of the airfare, I'll take you to Vegas and prove it". Being comfortable financially, the customer agrees to add the airfare to the bet, and they fly to Las Vegas and catch Frank's show. After the show, Joe takes the guy back to the dressing rooms, where Sinatra greets him warmly and has them both in for drinks. Back in Chicago, the customer is even more peeved at losing the bet, and determines to find some way to win it back. One day he asks Joe if he knows Reagan. "Hell," sez Joe, "I got him into pictures." For the price of the airfare, I'll prove it to you." So off they go to D.C., where they join the daily tour of the White House. As they stroll through the East Wing, a door opens and old Ronnie steps out, surrounded by G-men. He spots Joe, pushs his way past the Secret Service guys, and embraces him like old times... Back in Chicago again, the customer decides to have one last all-out attempt at retribution. "Hey, Joe," he says, "I'll bet you don't know the Pope ... heck, he ain't even Italian this time around!" "You betcha I do," sez Joe, "and for the price of the airfare, etc. etc." They do indeed jet to the Vatican, and arrive at St. Peter's basilica during one of the large open-air masses the Pope conducts from a balcony. The piazza is packed with pilgrims, rosaries in hand, waiting for services to start. Joe and the customer are sandwiched between some sweet little old Italian senoras. Joe turns to the customer and says "This is gonna be tough .. I don't think I can get us both into the chambers before Mass starts, but I'll tell you what. You keep an eye on that balcony up there, 'cuz that's where the Pope says Mass from. I'm going inside to meet him, and then I'll be back." With that, Joe elbows his way off into the crowd. Left alone, the customer soon sees a small figure appear at the balcony and begin the ceremony. Soon, a second figure joins him, and they turn and hug each other warmly. Pondering all this, the customer speculates that: (1) he is so far away he can't really make out either of them and (2) Joe has won so much money from him that he could conceivably stage the whole thing. With that in mind, he nudges the little old lady next to him, who looks up from her rosary. "Excuse me, senora, but can you tell me, is that REALLY the Pope up there?" The old woman squints hard in the direction of the balcony, and responds "I'm-a not sure, but the other fella with him is-a Joe Garibaldi!" ****************************************************************************** As not everyone may be aware, there are two gates leading into heaven. Above the first is a sign reading "Stand here, all husbands who were dominated by their wives". Above the other is a sign reading "Stand here, all husbands who were NOT dominated by their wives". Of course the former always has a line stretching halfway to Hell. One day, a single, scrawny figure of a man appears at the second gate. St. Peter walks up and demands to know what he, of all people, is doing standing there. The man replies "My wife told me to stand here." ****************************************************************************** Once upon a time, this fellow was thirsty for a cold brew so he walks into the nearest pub/bar/dive/etc (/dev/null). Anyway, he was checking out the surroundings, when he spotted a brass mouse on the counter behind the bar. "How much for that brass mouse?" he inquires. The bartender replies, "I tell you what, I'll give it to you if you promise me three things" "Sure", the man replied. "First," said the bartender, "You can't sell it to anybody. Second, you can't give it to nobody, and third, I don't want it back". "Fine," the man said finishing off the brewsky, taking the brass mouse with him as he left the bar. As the man began walking down the street, he congratulated himself on his shrewdness. After about a block, he turned around and noticed that a mouse was following. A little worried, the man turned the corner and sped up the pace a little. The mouse persisted, but this time, there were two mice following him. Nervous now, the man breaks into a light jog, although now there are at least twenty mice chasing him. The man panics and begins a flat run down the street. After about three blocks, he looks back and sees what must be five or six thousand mice directly behind him, teeth bared. The man runs into a city park, past the old men on the benches, past the guys in the bushes, and finally past the peanut salesman to the pond at the center of the park. He takes the brass sculpture and hurls it into the center of the pond. Ten seconds later, every mouse that was chasing him had dived into the pond and drowned. A trifle unedged, the man begins a trek back to the bar. As he walks in, the barkeep says, "Hey man, I told you I wasn't taking that statue back. "No problem," says the now calm man, "I was just wondering if you had a brass ?" ****************************************************************************** Did you hear about the midget who was running away from the Prague Police? He ran up to a house, knocked on the door and asked the woman who opened the door if she would cache a small Czech ****************************************************************************** A man unemployed and down on his luck decided to pick himself up by the bootstraps and find some work. He started by going from door to door trying to find some work such as odd jobs around people's homes. After much seeking and no success, he ap- proached a rather large, stately looking house. He rang the doorbell and a distinguished looking gentleman opened the door and asked what he wanted. The unemployed man explained his si- tuation and asked if there were any odd jobs he could do. The gentleman hesitated, and then said, "Well, you could paint the porch. Ok, I'll hire you. You'll find the paint, the brushes, and everything you need in the garage." The gentle- man watched as the unemployed man walked off to the garage and disappeared inside, and then went back inside himself. A few hours later, the doorbell rang again and the gentleman opened it to see the other man with a few paint splotches on his clothes. The man said, "Well, I'm all done paintin' the porch." However, the gentleman became puzzled since the porch still looked the same as before. The other man then said, "But just between you an' me, that ain't no porch, that's a mer- say-dees." ****************************************************************************** A wealthy man had suspected for a long time that his wife was having an affair. One day, on impulse, he called home and asked the maid if his wife was around. The maid hesitated for a moment, then said, "No, Mr. Lewis...well, yes, she is. But, sir, she's...she's upstairs in the bedroom...with another man." "I thought so," he said. "Doris, I want you to do something for me. You know where the gun is, in the cabinet behind the silver. I want you to take it out, go upstairs, and shoot them both. I give you my word that nothing will happen to you." After a few minutes of coaxing, the maid reluctantly agreed to the dirty deed. The man waited on the line for several minutes, hearing a distant scream and two gunshots. When the maid returned to the phone, he asked, "Well, did you kill them?" "Yes, sir." "All right, now I want you to go throw the gun in the pool." "What pool?" "The one behind the house." "But we don't have a pool!" "Um...is this 892-1427?..." ****************************************************************************** Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do but, he new of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !!?? Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did." Jeb asked, "Where did it go?" Wilbur replied, "I forget!" *************************************************************************** One day a three-legged dog moseyed (?) into Dodge City, Kansas. He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck and a snarl on his lips. Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful community, we don't want no trouble." To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my pa(w)!" ****************************************************************************** Q: What do you call a short psycic who escapes from prison? A: A small medium at large. ****************************************************************************** This ethnic fellow (nationality of your choice) buys a convertible one day from a local car dealer. Later the same night, the car dealer receives a phone call. "Excuse me, but do you happen to have an extra set of keys for my new car? I seem to have locked mine in." "Yeah, sure. Where are you?" "Corner of Main and King." "Okay. I'll be over in about half an hour." "No, no! You have to come over right now!" "Why?" "'Cause I left the roof down and it's starting to rain!!" *start* 12029 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 2 Apr 87 09:46:08 PST (Thursday) From: cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.N To: cc: , cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- OXYGEN ------ Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is always fatal. However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days to high oxygen concentrations. Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in question. Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too late. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Oxymorons Jumbo Shrimp guest host mutually exclusive first-strike defense Department of Interior (responsible for everything outside ..???...) pretty ugly a little big Recently new Severely killed Union workers good grief friendly competitor Decent Lawyer quick reboot quick fix committed schedule marketing strategy clean hack Violent Agreement Management Action THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK "Thank God I'm an Atheist" Management Style Better than New One Size Fits All Tax Return Management support Constant change Same difference Paperless Office Rapid Transit ----------------------------------------------------------------- Does anyone know why they have locks on the doors at 7-11 if they're open 24 hours? ----------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and [name your org]?....... The Boy Scouts have adult leadership! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Three men were in the hospital waitng room while their respective wives to deliver. Finally a nurse comes out asking for Mr. J. "Congratulations, you're the proud father of twins!" "Isn't that facinating, I come from Twin Forks." and he runs off to see his family. The nurse returns for Mr S. "Congratulations, you're the proud father of triplets!" "Isn't that facinating, I come from the Triple Cities." and he hurries off. Immediately the third father stands up and starts to leave. The nurse stops him and inquires about where he's going. "HOME", he says, "to the Thousand Islands!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- To meet a project deadline, my programmers worked overtime for several weeks. On the final evening, one woman said: "Boss, do you have a copy of the latest IRS tax regulations? There's something I want to look up." "What's that?" I asked. "Use of the office as a home." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Advice is like kissing: it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Daffy-nitions Fascinate: Ma had nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only fascinate. Pasteurize: The water's only up to my neck, but it's pasteurize. Gruesome: My dad stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers. Defeat of deduct go over defense before detail. Analyze, anatomy: My analyze over the ocean. My analyze over the sea. My analyze over the ocean. Oh, bring back my anatomy. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Daffy-nitions: conversion factors 10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone 10**12 pins = 1 terrapin 10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 10 millipedes = 1 centepede 1 centepede/second = 1 velocipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 5 holocausts = 1 Pentecost 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 10**9 micrometers = 1 kilometer = 200 pentameters 10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue 2 x 10**3 millinaries = 4 seminaries (see note) = 1 binary 10**-5 dollars = 1 Milicent 1 milli-Helen = the amount of beauty required to launch one ship nano-nano = a prefix designating 10**18 0.3 decals = 1 trial 5 grams = 1 pentagram 5 monocles = 1 pentacle 10 decimates = 1 mate 10 milliners = 1 centner 10 embers = 1 december 10 dents = 1 decadent 100 decides = 1 decade 3.0´10**6 microbes = 1 tribe 0.5´10**12 bibles = 1 terrible ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Nowadays, when opportunity knocks, you have to unlock both deadbolts, remove the chain, and turn off the burglar alarm..." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a pair of people who doubt the very existance of God? A: A Diagnostic. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two IBM salesmen were driving down a country road at high speed and passed a pickup truck with an old couple inside. "Look at those fools, pa! Must be a couple of IBM salesman and they will surely meet their maker soon, I tell you." Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad accident involving the two IBM salesmen. "Well maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give em a decent burial." So the couple dug a hole and buried the IBM salesman. Just as they were putting their tools away, a cop drives up. "You folks see this accident?" "No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when they passed us doing a hunert miles an hour. Well, we finally come across the accident and gave them IBM salesman a decent burial" "You were sure that they were dead??" "Well, they said they weren't, but you know how those IBM salesmen exaggerate!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Explain the distinction between the words "stationery" and "stationary:" If I want to buy some writing paper and envelopes, I would go to a stationary store, because the moving ones are too hard to find. There are many types of engineers. For example, automotive engineers design cars, while stationery engineers design printing presses and embossing machines. This is called a "spelling lessen" because it lessens your ability to spell correctly. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The enlightenment generated by a seminary is measured in luminaries. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Message sent out: If anyone is walking (or even sitting) around with a blue Pilot pen with a transparent barrel which doesn't belong to them; I think it is probably mine. I've lost three. They seem to have walked away from my office. The reply: Reboot your office. They might come back. ----------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a couch potato? A spec-tater!! (with my apologies to those who thought my common-tater joke was bad...) ----------------------------------------------------------------- Werner von Braun said, "Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Loosely translated from the writings of technical journalists, personal friends, a retired (retarded?) Army General.... HOW TO WRITE ENGLISH GOOD from the Casey Stengle School of Brooklynese (1) Just between you and I case is important. (2) Verbs has to agree with their subjects. (3) Don't use no double negatives. (4) A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with. (or as Sir Winston Churchill once said; "This is the type of nonsense up with I will not put!"). (5) It is always good practice to never split infina- tives. (6) About sentence fragments. (7) Don't write a run-on sentance you have to punctu- ate it. (8) When one is writing, it is important to maintain your point of view. (9) Proofread your work. Do not tolerate mispellings! (10) Watch out for irregular verbs which have croped into the language. (11) Don't say the same thing more than once. It's redundant and repetious. (12) If the writer is considerate of the reader, he won't have a problem with ambiguous sentances. (13) This sentance no verb. (14) You should be aware of the conditional case if you was to use it. (15) The smothering of verbs is a cause of the weaken- ing of the sentance impact. (16) Avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shor- tened ones will do. (17) Perform a functional iterative analysis on your work to root out third generation transitional buzz words. (18) Make sure you hyp-henate properly. (19) Sentences should be written in the active voice when giving instructions, so that the subject of the action can be identified clearly. (20) Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches. (21) The defacto use of foreign phrases vis-a-vis plain English in your written tete-a-tetes makes the sentance harder to understand. (22) Continuity of thought, logical development and smooth transitions are important. Never leave the reader guessing. (23) Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist sub- mersive plot. (24) Join clauses good like a conjunction should. (25) Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent. (26) It has come to our considered attention that in a large majority of cases, far too many people use a great deal more words than is absolutely necessary when engaged in the practice of writing sentances. (27) Be careful of dangling participles writing a paper. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bad luck is having your operation by the winner of the local grammar school's doctor-for-a-day contest ----------------------------------------------------------------- Status: Most everything is functioning normally (except the users of course!). ----------------------------------------------------------------- Practicing medicine in the Bronx has its complications, but the following is something even we don't have to put up with: DHAKA (Bangladesh): At least 50 patients ran screaming from their beds after five cobras reared their heads in a packed ward on the third floor of Dacca Medical College Hospital, officials said yesterday. Hospital employees killed the poisonous snakes after Tuesday's fright, but snake charmers were summoned today in case more serpents were lurking in the hospital. -- Craig Werner (MD/PhD '91) *start* 13167 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 10 Apr 87 13:18:07 PDT (Friday) From: cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.P To: cc: , cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- COMPUTER DAFFY-NITIONS assembler; a person who puts computer kits together baud; a woman who keeps a brothel bed of nails; where a test programer sleeps bells and whistles; trinkets for the computer binary; sale slogan for hair removing cream bit; past tense of byte buss; a mass-transit vehicle bytes; what a vampyre does card reader; a fortune teller checksum; bank balance at the end of month clock interrupt; what wakes you up in the morning conditional branch; a dowsing rod cycle stealing; petty larceny cyclic redundancy check; taking inventory at a bike shop debug; what an exterminator does diode; what happens to people who don't die young disassembler; one who takes things apart fifo; a name of a dog floppy disk; lower back trouble flowcharts; maps used by river boat pilots fully integrated; see bussing half duplex; small apartment handshaking;state of the user after he discovers, "delete*.*;*" hardware; e.g. helmet, gauntlets,mase etc. hex; to cast a spell hidden refresh; keeping the flask in the desk drawer high-level language; spoken at summit meetings indirect addressing; confidential mail forwarding interface; vhere ve heil der fuehrer, (see spike jones) memory refresh; souvenirs, slides etc. monitor, see merrimack mother board; see soap opera (or go shopping) negative logic, reverse psychology os; a mythical land, see wizard of... parameters;device for measuring two voltages at the same time parity bit; having two guests over for tea personal computing; kinky computer dating service program counter; software librarian prom; a social event for adolescents ram; los angeles football player random access storage; e.g. an attic real time; length of a movie rectifier; the result of a collision with a gas truck regulator; e.g. prunes rom; a gypsy man scan; a garbage receptacle ( s. can) software;polyester double knit state of the art; new york straightforward; basketball player not on coke subroutine; u-boat drill transistor; when your sister gets dressed up like a guy two's complement; praise from two people utility; e.g. gas,water etc. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Avid comic book reader asked his friend: "Why doesn't life come with subtitles?" "Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature." "...the two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison ----------------------------------------------------------------- Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which he succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today. LAW NUMBER I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. LAW NUMBER II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. LAW NUMBER III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. LAW NUMBER IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. LAW NUMBER V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output. LAW NUMBER VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. LAW NUMBER VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. LAW NUMBER VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic. LAW NUMBER IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent possible to make trivial ideas profound...........Q.E.D. LAW NUMBER X: Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do. LAW NUMBER XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. LAW NUMBER XII: It costs a lot to build bad products. LAW NUMBER XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two. LAW NUMBER XIV: After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every airplane's weight. LAW NUMBER XV: The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost and two-thirds of the problems. LAW NUMBER XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra day. LAW NUMBER XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases. LAW NUMBER XVIII: It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of ten degradation accomplished. LAW NUMBER XIX: Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. LAW NUMBER XX: In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. LAW NUMBER XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. LAW NUMBER XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. LAW NUMBER XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. LAW NUMBER XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action known to man. LAW NUMBER XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete or a new canvas to an artist. LAW NUMBER XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. LAW NUMBER XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. LAW NUMBER XXVIII: It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. LAW NUMBER XXIX: Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a decade. LAW NUMBER XXX: By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. LAW NUMBER XXXI: The optimum committee has no members. LAW NUMBER XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. LAW NUMBER XXXIII: Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. LAW NUMBER XXXIV: The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly. LAW NUMBER XXXV: The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give the data authenticity. LAW NUMBER XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. LAW NUMBER XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. LAW NUMBER XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten. LAW NUMBER XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of the year -- in either direction. LAW NUMBER XL: Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. LAW NUMBER XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. LAW NUMBER XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. LAW NUMBER XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. LAW NUMBER XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. LAW NUMBER XLV: One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the unexpected should have been expected. LAW NUMBER XLVI: A billion saved is a billion earned. LAW NUMBER XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is covered with auditors from headquarters. LAW NUMBER XLVIII: The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. LAW NUMBER XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. LAW NUMBER L: The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times as long as the official's who created it. LAW NUMBER LI: By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more government workers than there are workers. LAW NUMBER LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money. There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. --------------------------------------------------------------- One day an old jewish pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb burn out. To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets there), so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembers seeing. He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. "Hoho, Mortal!" sez the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes." The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home." "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" "Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march back home." "Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?" "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" "Okokok. Right. What's this business about Genghis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?" The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." ----------------------------------------------------------------- THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE QUESTION: How many feet do mice have? ORIGINAL REPLY: Mice have four feet. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Elaborate! REVISION 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: No discussion of 5th appendage! REVISION 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: What? Feet with no legs? REVISION 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? REVISION 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Does not fully discuss the issue! REVISION 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! REVISION 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! REVISION 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Read in the "letters to the editor" column of "TIME" in response to an article on teen suicide: "People should be aware of the dangers of killing themselves" ----------------------------------------------------------------- If god had ment for us to take life seriously, he wouldn't have given us a sense of humor. Bah, humbug. *start* 17754 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 10 Apr 87 13:18:17 PDT (Friday) From: cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.Q To: cc: , cate3 What do you call a cow that has undergone an abortion? Decaffeinated. (decalfinated) What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion? A canceled Czech. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft" A-flat miner. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!? Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector with a scalar! What do you get when you drop a piano on a battlefield? A-flat Major. What's a wok? Something you thwow at a wabbit! How do you catch a unique animal? Unique up on him! Q:What do you call a basement full of JAP's? A:A whine cellar. How do you catch a domesticated animal? Tame way! Q: how do you sink an submarine? A: dive down and knock on the door. What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot, cross bunnies. What is a 7 course Irish dinner? A six-pack and a potatoe. Why did the hospital poker game come to an abrupt end? The leper threw in his hand. Why did the leper hockey game end? There was a face-off in the corner. ******************************************************************************** A generic guy had finally decided that he just couldn't handle life anymore; he had been fired, his health was bad, and he considered his wife to be a first-class bitch. He walked into the bedroom where she was, pulled a pistol out of the drawer, and put the muzzle to his temple. His wife began screaming hysterically for him not to shoot himself, whereupon he looked at her grimly and said, "Shut up! You're next!" ******************************************************************************** Old man LaFontaine was duck hunting with his new bird dog down in the Bayous of Louisianna. He was fortunate and brought down a large goose which landed in the middle of a small lake. LaFontaine told the dog to go fetch and amazingly enough the dog ran pitty-pat, pitty-pat, pitty-pat on TOP of the water and brought back the game. The man was just amazed and thought he was coming down with swamp fever or something equally bad until the dog did this wonderful feat several more times. LaFontaine could not resist the chance to gloat over this marvelous dog and brought his friend Couvillion hunting with him the following weekend. Couvillion drilled a Mallard and sure enough, the dog whent pity-pat, pitty-pat, pitty-pat accross the water to fetch the game. Couvillion acted as though nothing odd had happened. LaFontaine said "Didn't you notice anything the least bit strange about the way my dog fetched your game?" "Yep!" answered Couvillion. "The dumb dog can't swim!" ******************************************************************************** It seems these three men, a Jewish man, a Hindu man, and a Swede were tra- velling down a dark country road late at night when their car broke down. Since it was too dark to fix it, and they had just passed a farm house about a mile before, they decided to hoof it to the farm. When the three men arrived at the farm and asked the farmer if they could stay the night, the farmer agreed to let them stay in his spare bedroom, but there was one problem. It seems there were only two beds in the bedroom, and three men, but one of them could sleep in the haystack in the barn. The three men agreed to draw straws to see who would have to sleep in the barn. The Jewish man lost, and off he trudged to the barn. Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the Jewish man. "There are pigs in the barn, and my religion forbids me to associate with such animals." So the Hindu man went off to the barn. Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the Hindu man. "There are cows in the barn, and my religion forbids me to associate with such animals." So finally the Swede went off to the barn. Five minutes later, there was still another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow. ******************************************************************************** This salesman was driving down this old hick road, passing on old broken down house and couldn't help noticing a pig in the front of the house, with a wooden leg. He had to satisfy his curiousity, so he turned back and went up and knocked on the door. A man answered. Salesman: I couldn't help noticing, that your pig has a wooden leg, do you mind telling me how it happened? Man: This pig, what a great pig. This pig is so great that one night we had a fire in here, and this pig snorted, banged the door until we heard him and were saved. Salesman: That's great, but what about the wooden leg? Man: This pig is so great, that one night we had a burgular. This pig, he snorted, bit the bugular's leg until finally he ran out with out our goods. Salesman: That's great, but what about the wooden leg? Man: Such a great pig, you wouldn't eat him all at once, would you? ******************************************************************************** Why did the little moron take a ladder to school? He wanted to get a higher education! Why did the little moron throw butter out the window? He wanted to see a butterfly? (butter fly, two words) Why was the little moron afraid to open the refredgerator? He didn't want to see the salad dressing! ******************************************************************************** There were two kosher butchers on the same street, with their shops right across the street from one another, and they hated each other's guts. Business was bad, and customers were few, and so every time a customer went into one butcher's shop, the other butcher would stand on the street yelling "Him?! To him you give your money? He's a cheat, a goniff, a liar! He puts his thumb on the scales! You buy from that schmendrick?" etc. etc. Well, God, as you might guess, didn't much like this state of affairs, so He sent an angel down to one of the butchers to put a stop to this. "Look," said the angel, "you'll just have to learn to be nice, so I'm going to teach you a lesson. I'm going to grant you anything you want, anything in the world...only your competitor will get twice as much as you." The butcher was horrified. "You mean, whatever I get, that schlemiel gets twice as much?" "That's right," said the angel. The butcher thought for a moment, and then his eyes lit up. He said to the angel.... "Strike me blind in one eye!" ******************************************************************************** walks into a travel agency and says, "I'd like to try your $50 'Trip to Nowhere'." The clerk whips out a sap and knocks the guy unconscious. Ten minutes later, comes in, makes the same request, and gets the same answer. The two of them wake up in a rowboat in the middle of the Atlantic. "I wonder if they'll serve drinks on this trip, " says the first. "They didn't last year." ******************************************************************************** Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting, "Run for your lives! Big Mike's comin'! The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly, the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the drifter by the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a drink!" The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. "Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. "Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted. "Big Mike's comin'." ******************************************************************************** "Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "You see that purple, green and yellow check suit over there? I've been trying to move that for two months, without success. If you can sell it, I'll hire you and pay you a fair wage. If it's not sold by the end of the day, then you'll need to find work elsewhere. The applicant agreed to his conditions, and the store owner left for lunch. On returning, he was shocked to see the condition of the young man. His clothes were torn, and his hands and face were bleeding. "My God, what happened to you!" "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" he shouted, blood seeping from his curling lips. "Congratulations," said the haberdasher. "Did the customer put up much of a fight?" "Oh, no," the new salesman replied, "But his Seeing Eye dog was pissed!" ******************************************************************************** storms into 's office, pounds on desk, says, "Either you raise my salary or I quit!" says, "Coach, you already make more than the entire English Department!" says, "Yeah, but you just don't understand what I have to put up with!" He goes out into the hall, grabs a jock who's jogging by, says, "Hey! Run over to my office and see if I'm there." Jock takes off, returns 20 minutes later, very sweaty. "You're not there, Coach!" "Oh; I see what you mean," says . "I would have phoned." ******************************************************************************** Preacher Jones came to vist Frank, at his new farm. Frank had purchased the farm the previous year, and it had been vacant for many years prior to this, for what reason i leave to someone who's been around here longer than me. Anyway, this farm had been in terrible shape when Frank bought it; the fences were broken, the well needed a new pump, there were saplings sprouting in all the fields, the barn was a wreck, ( you get the idea?). Frank worked his butt off, mended the fences, rebuilt the barn, and the pump, uprooted the trees in the fields, plowed, sowed, fertilized, weeded, and much to the surprise of all hereabouts, had one of the nicest farms in the county. A bumper crop was on the way, and Frank was quite proud. Well, as i was telling you, Preacher Jones came out to see Frank, and see this re-built farm. They walked by the barn, and the preacher admired the rebuilt structure, "yes Frank, you and the Lord have done marvelous things with this old farm". They walked the fences, all the posts Frank had driven, and the wire he had strung "Yes Frank", said the preacher, "you and the Lord have done marvelous things with this old farm". They walked down the rows of corn, saw the livestock, and settled down on the porch for a cool glass of water, "Yes Frank" said the preacher, "you and the Lord have done wonders out here". "yep", said Frank, "and you should have seen this place when the Lord had it all to Hisself". ******************************************************************************** Mrs S is a good church-going woman, but one Sunday she wasn't able to go, so she gave her little Johhny two quarters and sent him to the church. "Now son", she said, "remember, one of those quarters is for the collection plate, and the other is for you to buy candy after church." Johnny was on his way and, as kids will do, he was playing with the quarters, when one of them got away and rolled into the sewer grating. "Oops", said Johnny, "there goes God's quarter". ******************************************************************************** A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber." ******************************************************************************** An engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke, goes to the bathroom, fills the garbage pail with water, douses the fire, and goes back to sleep. A physicist wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke, grabs paper and pencil, does a page of calculations, goes to the bathroom, fills a glass with water, tosses it with great precision, douses the fire, and goes back to sleep. A mathematician wakes up in the middle of the night and smells smoke, grabs paper and pencil, does four pages of calculations, exclaims "A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep. ******************************************************************************** There was an influential businessman who found out that his wife was having an affair with the butcher and the produce man in a local grocery store. Needless to say, he was quite furious and figured she and her lovers weren't fit to live, so he decided to kill them. Not wanting to risk his prominence in the business world, he decides to hire a bum off the street who desparately needed some money. So he finds a bum named Artie and offers him a buck to kill his wife and her lovers the next time she goes to the store. So the next day, the business man's wife went shopping and flirts first with the butcher and then the produce man as she usually does. However Artie shows up at the store and, as per his instructions, strangles the butcher, the produce man, and last but not least, the businessman's unfaithful wife. Well, the assasin quickly tries to escape but is caught by the security guards who haul him off to the police. It didn't take long for the press to catch hold of the story and printed the following headline: FLASH!! ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR IN LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!!!! ******************************************************************************** What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? BOB What do ... on the wall? ART What do ... on the floor in front of a door? MATT What do you call a leper in a hot tub? STEW ******************************************************************************** Ma fren, you got to read dis joke in yor best Cajun accent, so you sound jus like Justin Wilson when he tell it. If you do, it'll be wundermus, I garontee. Der were dese two Cajun buddies at dis bar, and dey wuz gettin drunk, I mean! Well, one o de fellas, he decide he done had enough, so he take off for home. Cept he so drunk, he get hisself lost, and good! He wander into a graveyard and fall into a fresh dug grave dat is waiting for a funeral de next day. He lying der on his back, trying to pull hisself up out of dat grave, but he having some big problem doing dat. You see, it had been raining, and de sides of dat grave was slick. And it didn't hep none dat dis ol' boy was drunk. Well, he lie der for a while, and he start to get cold, and he start to holler "Hep me I'm cold. Hep me I'm cold, whooboy!" About dis time, his buddy back at de bar decide it's time for him to head home. As he walking, he hear dis awful noise, and he decide he going to see what it is. Well, he comes to de graveyard, and he hears dis voice calling from an open grave. "Hep me I'm cold, whooboy! Hep me I'm cold" Well, he ain't scared, on account of him being good and drunk. So he walks right up to dat grave, and he looks down and sees his friend lying in de bottom of it. But he so drunk he don't recognize his friend. His friend look up at him and say "Hep me I'm cold, whooboy!" De friend standing at de top of de grave replies "Sho you cold, you dun kick all o you dirt off o you!" ******************************************************************************** The house is empty except for the family dog. The telephone rings. The dog walks over to the phone, pushes the receiver off the hook with his paw, and says, "WOOF!" No response. The dog waits a moment, and once again says, "WOOF!" Still no response. The dog moves closer to the phone and says, "William. Oscar. Oscar. Frederick." ******************************************************************************** A man walks into a bar with a dog. He orders a drink and tells the bartender: "This here dog can TALK". The bartender says "Gad, I'm sick of you guys ... Get out!" The man says: "Wait, wait ... Give me a chance, I'll prove it." The bartender agrees to this, and the following exchange takes place: Man (to dog): "What does Sandpaper feel like?" Dog: "Ruff!" Man (to bartender): "See? What did I tell ya!" Bartender: "Get out." Man: "Wait, give me another chance...." Man (to dog): "What is on top of a house?" Dog: "Ruff!" Man: "See? He said a roof is on top of a house!" Bartender: "Get out." Man: "Wait, one more chance........" Man (to dog): "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog: "Ruff!" Man: "See? He said Babe Ruth!!! I told you!!" With this, the bartender throws both the man and he dog out of the bar. As they are laying in the gutter outside, the dog looks at the man and says: "Do you think I should have said Joe Dimaggio?" *start* 22034 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 10 Apr 87 17:21:13 PDT (Friday) From: cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.R To: cc: , cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- And then there's the one that goes something like... The old farmer was talking to his neighbor after Sunday school and said: "I didn't realize how bored God is with baseball. After all the preacher said, 'In the Big Inning, God created the heavens and the earth...'" ---------- There once was this scientist who was doing work on a serum which would enable people to live forever. In the early part of his research, he was experimenting on dolphins, and he was using very young seagulls to creat his Fountain of Youth serum. One morning he goes out to the nearby beach to capture some baby seagulls. As he is returning to his lab with the young seagulls, he sees a lion sleeping on the doorstep to his lab. So, he quietly unlocks the door and steps over the lion into his lab. Just then the FBI appears out of nowhere and arrests him. Why? For transporting UNDERAGE GULLS across a SEDATE LION for IMMORTAL PORPOISES. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It seems there were these three IBM employees on a special mission in a very foreign country. One was a sales rep, one was a systems programmer and one was a service engineer. Not knowing the customs of this strange country, they unknowingly committed a crime that was punishable by death via the guillotine. As was the custom in the country, they were to be given the choice of facing the guillotine head-up or head-down. The sales rep was first, he said: "Sales reps always face a situation head-on, I'll go face up!" So, he was placed in the rack and the executioner released the blade. It came whizzing down and stopped a mere inch from his adam's apple. Another custom of the country was that if you were not killed the first time, you were set free, so they let the sales rep go. The next one up was the systems programmer. When asked how he wanted to die, he replied: "System programmers never look back at what they've done, I'll go face down." So, he was placed in the rack and the executioner released the blade. It came whizzing down and stopped a mere inch from the nape of his neck, so he also was set free. Then, it was time for the service engineer and, when asked how she planned on facing the blade, she replied, "We can get to that later, but first, I think I've spotted the problem with your guillotine..." ******************************************************************** These are both old favorites of mine, and I hope they've not been submitted to this net too recently. Woman walks into the divorce lawyer's office, and he begins to ask her some questions.... "Ma'am, what are your grounds?" "Oh, 'bout an acre an' a half..." "No, I mean do you have a grudge?" "No, but we've got a carport..." "Lady, just tell me: why do you want a divorce?" "Why, total lack of communication, of course!" ******************************************************************** Guy carrying a small dog under his arm walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. When the bartender brings him the drink, the guy senses that the bartender looks rather puzzled, so he asks: "What is it?" "It's your dog... I couldn't help noticing... he's got no legs. Do you mind if I ask what happened to him?" "Nothing `happened' to him... he was born that way." "Poor thing... cute little guy though. Has he got a name?" "Naw, I didn't give him a name..." "Why not?" "Why, he wouldn't come if I called him anyway!" ******************************************************************** A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved cat in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your cat's dead," replies his brother bluntly. The guy is devastated. "You know how much that cat meant to me," he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, 'Well, you know, the cat got out of the house one day and climbed onto the roof, and the fire department couldn't get her down, and finally she died of exposure...or starvation..or something'? Why are you always so thoughtless?" "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother. "I'll try to do better next time." "Okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you, anyway? How's Mom?" His brother is silent for a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh...Mom's on the roof." ************************************************************************ There was this Irish cop named Monaghan walking his beat one morning when he noticed the Rabbi pull up to the stop sign. A moment later the local parish priest was driving down the street and smashed into the rear of the rabbi's car. Monaghan see's this and wanders over to survey the damage. He looks at the rabbi and then he pulls out his pad and pencil and say's to the priest,(Irish accent) "Tell me Father, how fast do you think the rabbi was going when he backed into you?" ************************************************************************ FRANK BUCK Did you ever hear the one about Frank Buck? Frank Buck was the greatest animal trapper that ever lived. He trapped animals for zoos, for circuses, for sideshows, for almost anything. During his long career he made quite a name for himself as the greatest animal trapper that ever lived. One day, like many men, Frank Buck reached the age of sixty-five and decided to retire. So, our hero bought himself a little farm in Louisville, Kentucky and settled down to live out his remaining years in the peaceful surroundings of rural Louisville. Not quite. He had just settled down and was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang. It was the San Diego Zoo. The zookeepers said to Frank Buck, "Mr. Buck? This is the San Diego Zoo. We realize you've led a long and busy life, and you deserve a peaceful retirement as much as any man on earth, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and you're the only man we know that can get it for us. It's a hornless rhinocerous." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented to get this hornless rhinocerous for the San Diego Zoo. So, the next day he went down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell whether they were white stripes on a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra. So Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a hornless rhinocerous?" Now Tarzan, being so busy and all that, naturally was a little upset. But he put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and said, "UGH!" And 'lo and behold, out walked this hornless rhinocerous! So, Frank Buck captured the hornless rhinocerous, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone back to painting the zebra), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa, back down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed back across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the hornless rhinocerous to the San Diego Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky. Well, three days later Frank Buck was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang. This time it was the Chicago Zoo. The zookeepers at the Chicago Zoo said, "Mr. Buck? This is the Chicago Zoo. We hate to bother you, seeing as you're in retirement and all that, but there's this one unusual animal we need and only you can get it for us. It's a short-necked giraffe." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented to get this short-necked giraffe for the Chicago Zoo. So the next day, he went down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin' and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now, Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell whether they were black stripes on a white zebra, white stripes on a black zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra. So, Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said,"Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a short-necked giraffe?" Now Tarzan (being so busy and all that) naturally was a bit peeved, but he put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and said, "UGH!" And 'lo and behold, out walked this short necked giraffe! So Frank Buck captured the short-necked giraffe, thanked Tarzan(who had, by this time, gone back to painting stripes), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa, down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the short-necked giraffe to the Chicago Zoo and went back to retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky. Well, three days later, he was sitting out on the back porch when the phone rang. This time it was the Smithsonian Zoo. The zookeepers said,"Mr. Buck, we realize you're in retirement and all that, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and only you can get it for us. It's a trunkless elephant." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally he consented to get this trunkless elephant for the Smithsonian Zoo. So the next day, he went down to his boat on the shore (This was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell if they were black stripes on a white zebra, or white stripes on a black zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra. So Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said,"Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a trunkless elephant?" Now Tarzan, totally peeved, broke his brush over his knee, threw the brush into the bushes, pointed to a bush and hollered,"UGH!" And, 'lo and behold, out walked this trunkless elephant! So Frank Buck captured the trunkless elephant, thanked Tarzan (who had by this time picked up a chipmunk and was painting with its tail), went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa down to his boat on the shore(this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the trunkless elephant to the Smithsonian Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm in Louisville, Kentucky. Three days later, he was sitting on his back porch when the phone rang. However, this time it was a wrong number. So the next day, Frank Buck had his phone disconnected and lived happily ever after. MORAL: TARZAN STRIPES FOREVER ***************************************************************************** * The preceeding does not reflect the opinions of Frank Buck, Tarzan, * * any major zoo, any minor zoo, the NAACP, the AFL-CIO, Ronald McDonald, * * or Smurfette. Any similarity to persons living or dead is strictly * * intentional and coincidental. Flames can be directed to Okalhoma. * ***************************************************************************** *************************************************************** -By Dave Barry What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night. These people have been abducted by large publishing companies and placed in barbed-wire enclosures surrounded by armed men with attack dogs. Caller: Hello, Mr. Barry? Me: No this is Adolf Hitler. Caller: Of course. My mistake. The reason I'm calling you at 11:30 at night, Mr. Hitler, is that I'm conducting a marketing survey, and... Me: Are you selling magazine subscriptions? Caller: Magazine subscriptions? Me? Selling them? Ha Ha. No. Certainly not. Not at all. No, this is just a plain old marketing survey. (Sound of dogs barking.) Me: Well, what do you want to know? Caller: Well, I just want to ask you some questions about your household, such as how many people live there, and what their ages are and whether any of them might be interested in subscribing to Redbook? Me: I don't want to subscribe to anything, you lying piece of slime. Caller: How about Time? Sports Illustrated? American Beet Farmer? Me: I'm going to hang up. Caller: No! (The dogs get louder) Please! You can have my daughter! Me: (Click.) The first telephone systems were primitive "party lines" where everybody could hear what everybody else was talking about. This was very confusing: Bertha: Emma? I'm calling to tell you I seen your boy Norbert shootin' his musket at our goat again, and if you don't... Clem: This ain't Emma. This is Clem Johnson, and I got to reach Doc Henderson, because my wife Nell is all rigid and foaming at the mouth, and if she don't snap out of it soon the roast is going to burn. Emma: Norbert don't even own a musket. All he got is a bow and arrow, and he couldn't hit a steam locomotive from six feet, what with his bad hand, which he got when your boy Percy bit it, and which is festerin' pretty bad. Doc Henderson: You better let me take a look at it. Bertha: The goat? Oh, he ain't hurt that bad, Doc. He's skittery on account of the musket fire. Clem: Now she's startin' to roll her eyes around. Looks like two hard-boiled eggs. Caller: Hi I'm conducting a marketing survey. Is Mr. Hitler at home? Clem: No, but I'll take a year's worth of American Beet Farmer. The party line system led to a lot of unnecessary confusion and death, so the phone company devised a system whereby you can talk to only one person at a time, although not necessarily the person you want. In fact, if you call any large company, you will never get to talk to the person you're calling. Large companies employ people who are paid, on a commission basis, solely to put calls on hold. These people are trained by the airline reservations clerks. The only exception is department stores, where all calls are immediately routed to whichever clerk has the most people waiting. But we should never complain about our telephone system. It is the most sophisticated system in the world, yet it is the easiest to use. For example, my 20-month-old son, who cannot perform a simple act like eating a banana without getting most of it in his hair, is perfectly capable of direct-dialing Okinawa, and probably has. In another year, he'll be able to order magazine subscriptions. *************************************************************** A man went to a doctor. Some say he went there to have an operation to become Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet another faction who claims that he wanted to work at the post office. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate to his friends, all of whom I suppose were Polish graduates of Texas A&M who had found jobs at the local P.O. :-) Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I suppose), the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off. 95, 94, 93, ... Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for minutes on end, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6, 5, 4, ... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!" The man looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just heard ..." *************************************************************** Heard on Paul Harvey ("PAUL Harvey ............... goodDay!") this morning: When Coca-Cola was first introduced to China a short time ago, the company had some difficulty spelling the product's name in Chinese, while keeping the same pronunciation ("ko-ka ko-la") ... the first attempt translated to "bite the wax tadpole." Finally they arrived at something which translated to "may your mouth rejoice," and now Coke is selling quite a bit better. *************************************************************** There was a flood in this town and they had to evacuate the city. A man is standing in water up to his knees and a rowboat comes along and the people say "Can we give you a helping hand?" The man in the water says "No thank you, I have faith in the Lord, He'll save me." A little later on when the water is up to the man's waist, a motor boat comes along and the people say "Can we give you a helping hand?" The man in the water says "No thank you, I have faith in the Lord, He'll save me." A little later on when the water is up to his neck, a helicopter comes by and the people say "Can we give you a helping hand?" The man in the water says "No thank you, I have faith in the Lord, He'll save me." Well, finally the water goes over the man's head and he drowns. He goes to heaven and sees God and he says to God = "Lord, I had faith in you and I drowned anyway. What happened?" And God said: "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!" *************************************************************** A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat towering huge above them and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them purposefully and declared: "You see how useful it is to know a second language?" ************************************************************************ A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I have what I think is a pretty good act." The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird imitations?" *************************************************************** Did you hear that Buckwheat became a Muslim. He's now Kareem a' Wheat. Q. Why doesn't Madonna have any curtains in her house? A. She needed a new pair of pants. --Shimon -- How many AT&T spokesmen does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but its the right choice. -- Did you hear about the middle eastern duck that is trying to take over the whole world? His name is Khaddafi Duck. -- What's the difference between a Ukranian fairy tale and a Soviet fairy tale? A Ukranian fairy tale begins, "a long time ago, beyond the forests over the mountains..." A Soviet fairy tale begins, "Tass news agency reports...." *start* 12641 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 5 May 87 10:12:02 PDT (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.S To: cc: , Cate3 "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." ---- Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. ---- Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman ---- "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen." -- Young Richard Nixon on Teapot Dome scandal ---- "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another." ---- Fundamentalist Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. ---- "There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again." -- Clint Eastwood ---- Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): "Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?" Gandhi: "I think it would be a good idea." ---- Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. ---- Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. ---- Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. ---- When uncertain or in doubt, Run in circles! Scream and shout! ---- "Where I come from, equality of the sexes is a given -- so WE can hit ANYONE." "Oh... thank you... SO much... for explainnnn..." "And God help whoever gets in our way!" "Dimitri...?" "YES, Alexi? "We're not supposed to believe in God." "Oh. That's right." ---- "And look... don't threaten the customers. They don't eat as much." "I'll keep it in mind." ---- "In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he recieved $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News ---- "Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." -- Hannah Arendt. ---- Any philosophy that can be put in a nut shell, belongs there. ---- There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it 2) The rest of us ---- "Sure, I'll draw, mister -- but first you gotta say the magic word... Didn't your mother ever teach you the magic word?" ---- "A keyboard... how quaint." ---- "So you're from outer space!" "Actually, I'm from Iowa; I just WORK in outer space." ---- Why won't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. ---- "Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP" ---- "Thank you for flying U.S.A.F. We hope that you will consider us again when your travel plans next include bombing Tripoli." ---- Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood. ---- Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb ---- "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." -- Howard Aiken ---- "When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'" -- David Parnas ---- "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." -- Jim Horning ---- "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." -- C. Schulz ---- "Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously." -- Booth Tarkington ---- "The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones." -- Nathaniel Howe ---- "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying." -- Woody Allen ---- Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging "The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency." -- Albert Einstein ---- Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your mistress". ---- "The race may not always be to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but it's a good idea to bet that way." -- O. L. Bear ---- Behind every successful man, is a very surprised woman. ---- "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand..." -- Peter Oakley ---- "Flaming Carrot!... Do you see Communists behind every bush?" "No... but SOMETIMES they hide there." ---- "The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about drugs.' -- Roy Blount, Jr. ---- "Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world." -- David Letterman ---- "Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." -- David Letterman ---- "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." ---- "When in doubt, tell the truth." Mark Twain "When in doubt, book 'em." Steve McGarret, Five-O ---- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ---- "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "I've never done anything illegal before." "I thought you said you were an accountant" ---- "You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss $3 goodbye!" ---- "I'm not SURE that that makes sense, DM." "Well, it is a CARTOON, sir..." ---- "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" ---- "Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to tell the difference." ---- "I support the right to arm bears." ---- "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" ---- ----------------------------------------------------------------- From necntc!mit-eddie!rutgers!clyde!spf Wed Apr 8 10:44:40 PDT 1987 In article <502@geowhiz.UUCP> schuh@geowhiz.UUCP (David Schuh) writes: > I'm looking for a body for a '74 914 2.0. My body is junk because I ran >into a freIght train last September. ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ I'm not surprised! But how did the Porsch come out of it? ----------------------------------------------------------------- If "pro" is the opposite of "con", what is the opposite of progress? ----------------------------------------------------------------- * = your favorite ethic group Did you here about the * who won a gold medal in the Olympics? He took it home and had it bronzed! ----------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning there was nothing, then God said " Let there be light". And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a lot better ----------------------------------------------------------------- "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke, in a letter to William Smith. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Risks of Warranties ABACUS, vol. 4, no. 3, Spring 1987 contains the results of ABACUS Competition #3, which invited readers to submit actual examples or parodies of software disclaimers of warranty. The winner is included as a format example in the user manual of the Horstmann Software Design product, ChiWriter: Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the date of purchase. NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. The runner-up is from the Haven Tree Software Limited program Interactive EasyFlow: We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything--if you think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing. This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack shark at which point we relented. These remind me of the software order form I received some years ago requiring me to sign a statement acknowledging that the only warranty made by DJ AI Systems was that they owned the copyright on the software being ordered. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A Xerox Sales Rep, Analyst, and Service Rep were driving to lunch and had a flat. They got out and surveyed the situation. The Sales Rep said; "I think I need a new car!" he then asked the Service Rep for his opinion. The Service Rep replied; "I think we ought to swap the tires around until we figure out which one is bad." They both turned to the Analyst and asked for his advice. The Analyst responded; "I think we ought to turn the car off and on again and see if the problem goes away. *start* 16613 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 5 May 87 12:18:56 PDT (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.T To: cc: , Cate3 ***************************************************************************** Heard about the new restaurant on the Moon? Good food, but no atmosphere! ***************************************************************************** Six people were flying in a small airplane. One was the pilot, and the five passengers were, in order; Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Henry Kissenger, a priest, and a hippie. During mid-flight, the pilot comes into the passenger compartment, and says "We seem to have developed some engine trouble. Since I'm the pilot, I'm going to bale out. There are only five parachutes." Then the pilot gave a wave and jumped out with a parachute. Ronald Reagan said, "Well, I'm the President, so, well, umm, bye!" Then Jimmy said, "There are some things that Ronnie hasn't learned yet." Then, Jimmy jumped out. Now only Henry Kissinger, the priest and the hippie were left in the plane. Henry Kissinger looked at the others and announced, "I am surely the smartest man in the world so I'm out of here!" The priest says to the hippie, "Well, son, I've lived a long and full life---you take the parachute!" The hippie says, "Hey man, we're cool. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my radical backpack!" ***************************************************************************** John and Joan Cowpoke were riding west in their covered wagon when they happenned upon an Indian with his ear to the ground... Being as they were from the east (obviously) they were fascinated with the Indians and the west in general... They stopped in front of the Indian and listened to what he was muttering... Injun: Two horses, one brown, one black...Three riders, man smoke pipe, wear hat,,woman wear bonnet,, child,5... three cattle,milkers... The easterners were astonished by this... Cowpoke: You can tell all that from listening to the ground? Injun: No, run over me, half hour ago... ***************************************************************************** Why did they have to change the 911 emergency telephone number in ? Because people couldn't find the eleven on their dials. ***************************************************************************** A duck noticed a hunter aiming his rifle at another duck floating in the middle of a lake and, concerned for his fellow duck, yelled (quacked?), "Duck! Duck!". Well, the other duck didn't hear him, and the hunter fired away, and the next thing the first duck knew there were splinters flying every which way. The duck shrugged, and muttered to himself, "Wouldn' duck!" ***************************************************************************** A newly-wed couple sat down to eat a ham dinner. The husband enjoyed the meal. But he noticed, both ends of the ham were cut off. Being a newly-wed, he did not have enough nerve to ask why the ends were cut off. They had ham several times. And, it was always cooked the same way. Finally the husband got enough nerve to ask his wife why she cooked it that way. She replied, "that is the way my mother cooked it." At Thanksgiving, they had dinner at is in-laws. He noticed his mother-in-law did cook the ham the same way. After dinner, he said, "I enjoyed the dinner; but, why did you cut the ends off of the ham?" She replied, "that is the way my mother cooked it." At Christmas, her family had a big get together. All the relitives were there. They had ham for dinner. It was very good. But, it - also - had the end cut off. After dinner, he said, "I enjoyed the dinner; but, why did you cut the ends off of the ham?" She replied, "my pot is too small to fit the ham in with out cutting off the ends." **************************************************************************** Once, a group of American Amish farmers were travelling on an exchange program in Ireland. They stopped to inspect a peat bog, and were dismayed to see how the local farmers were collecting the peat: they would dig up a few bricks worth and pile it on the back of the town fool, who only had a vague notion of what was going on, and he would then stumble over to a wagon and fling it in. Well, the American Amish farmers were shocked at this display of cruelty and exploitation, and demanded that the practice should stop at once. The next day, the newspaper headlines read: Americans express: "Don't heave loam with thou twit!" **************************************************************************** A hippie was sending a letter to a friend. On the envelope, instead of the usual "By Air Mail", he playfully wrote "Fly it, man!", and got so carried away with this that he forgot to address the envelope. Some days later, the envelope was returned to him by the post office, bearing the official scrawl: "Like where?" "Hey, man," said one hippie to another, "turn on the radio." "Okay, man", said the second hippie, and, leaning over very close to the radio, he whispered: "I love you." And did you hear about the hippie who starved to death rather than eat a square meal? **************************************************************************** The New Priest The new priest was so Nervous at his first Mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly. The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm, he felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor: 1. Next time sip rather than gulp 2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10 4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T" 5. The Recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God!" 6. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as J C and the Boys. 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the Snot out of him. 8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Holy Spook". 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never Mary with the cherry. 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. **************************************************************************** An decides to take a vacation in the mountains. After he arrives at the airport, the rental-car agent asks where he is going. The tells the agent, who replies "Be careful - there's a one-lane stretch of road with lots of blind curves." Mindful of the agent's advice, the sets off. The highway in the city is a nice four-lane road. Into the suburbs and it's a wide two-lane road. The road then climbs into the mountains and becomes two narrow lanes. Then there are several hair-raising miles of one lane road. At the first blind curve, the is very careful. Sure enough, a large truck comes zooming around. Next curve, several cars whiz by. He arrives safe at his cabin in the mountains, thankful for the agent's good advice. Well, a week passes, and it's time to head back to the city. The loads up his rental car and starts driving back with reckless abandon, as fast as he possibly can without skidding off the road. At the first blind curve, he has a head-on collision. After he gets out of the intensive care ward, the agent comes and says to the "I thought I told you to be careful on that road!" The replies "Yeah, but when I was driving up, I met all sorts of people going down, but no one else going up!!" **************************************************************************** "Well, there was this guy who'd been living a really great life as an art dealer in New York City, making tons of money and everything. He was 30 and fixed for life, a millionaire, when he went to the doctor and found out that he had a very rare bone disease that was sure to kill him before he reached 31. So he went around the country, visiting hospitals and specialists, but no one was able to help him. The answer was always the same: 'it's incurable, extremely rare, no one has ever found anything that has the slightest effect on the disease.' And already the guy was starting to disintegrate; you know, they had to amputate an arm, it would be a foot next... he was real desperate. And then he heard from a friend of a friend of a doctor that there was this guy, a kind of warlock, in Australia no less, who had spent years developing a potion that cured all bone disorders! The guy's name was Dr. Mersey. It all seemed sorta dubious, but with one month left to live he wasn't going to turn anything down. Besides, what the heck, he'd always wanted to visit Australia... So, anyway, there he went the next day. When he arrived, it took him a week to fly, be driven, and finally (with a great deal of difficulty) hike to Mersey's place. He finally got there -- three weeks to live, and his right foot had fallen off along the way -- and was rewarded with the sight of a really huge tin shack with a kind of chimney/smokestack thing on top, and evil-looking dense brown smoke pouring out of the top, and surrounded by eucalyptus trees. Dr. Mersey came out to greet the guy (he'd been notified by radio-telephone) and told him about the treatment. 'It's a potion brewed out of eucalyptus and koala bears and boiled for two years before it's drunk. Luckily I have some just ready. It tastes terrible, you'll vomit for days, and your hair will fall out, but you will be cured.' The guy wasn't too pleased at the first part but he figured anything was better than dying. So Mersey gave him a tour of the place, There was the hopper where the koala bears were stuffed in (live!) and a vat where they were boiled for years. Horrid lumps were floating around and the evil brown smoke was emanating fiercely. Finally the stuff dripped out of a little pipe into a rusty can. It was brown and oily and had hairs and pieces of koala meat and bone floating around in it. The doctor says, 'Here, drink this.' The poor guy asked the doctor, 'Couldn't you filter out the... stuff.. that's floating in it, first?' And the doctor, shaking his head sadly, says: 'The koala tea of Mersey is not strained...'" **************************************************************************** General Sherman had just finished burning Atlanta to the ground and was on his way home with his EXTREMELY large contingent of Union soldiers. He took I-20, turned onto I-85, and he happened to pass by Stone Mountain. As Sherman passes by, a lone Confederate soldier appears on the top of the mountain. The soldier lifts his sword in the air defiantly and begins to cast doubt as to the legtimacy of Sherman's ancestry. Partially because he was being insulted, but also because he wanted to leave the South crushed and demoralized, Sherman decided he could not ignore this figurative slap in the face. "Captain, send our best man up there to take care of this renegade!", Sherman ordered. A man was quickly dispatched to the top of the mountain. Minutes later, the Union soldier is thrown off the top of the mountain and splats in front of Sherman. The Confederate soldier appears and resumes his insults. Boiling, Sherman orders TEN of the best Union soldiers to be sent up. They were quickly sent up, and not a one returned alive. Furious now, Sherman order one hundred and fifty (150) of the best Union soldiers to go up there and stop the Confederate soldier. The soldiers were immediately sent up the mountain. A big battle ensued, but in the end only ONE Union soldier came down the mountain ... the Confederate soldier still at the top of Stone Mountain hurling insults down at Sherman. The Union soldier that came down was was bleeding from every pore, hobbling, and obviously near death. Sherman rushed up to him and demanded to know what was going on up there. "It's a trick, General ... there are two of them!" **************************************************************************** Once, back in the days of the Czars, a Russian rug merchant was travelling past a small village in the Ukraine and decided to stop for a while. He drove his wagon over to the stable and found the stable boy, a rather nasty, hot tempered fellow named Ivan Yurov. After a fierce argument over the price (an argument which the merchant threatened to end with his whip), Ivan finally agreed to feed the horses and watch over the wagon full of rugs, while the merchant went over to the lodging house and had dinner. When the merchant returned, though, he was shocked and angered to find that all of his rugs had been ripped to shreds! He immediately suspected the stable boy, but Ivan swore up and down that he was innocent. Suddenly, the rug merchant had an idea: there were eye witnesses to the entire crime, right there in the stable! He went up to his horses and said, "If Yurov hurt rugs, just neigh so!" ************************************************************************** This guy walks into a Greek tailor shop with a torn pair of pants. He hands them to the tailor who says "Euripides?" "Yes" replies the guy. "Eumenides?" ************************************************************************** You see, there were these two old men who loved baseball. They loved to go to games, watch games, listen to games on the radio, and talk baseball. However, they both knew they were reaching the end of their lives and thus decided to make a pact with each other. Whichever of the two was to die first, he would try to come back in some way and let the other know if there was baseball in heaven. Well, as the story goes, one of the men soon took sick and passed away, leaving his friend alone. But not more than a week had passed since the funeral when a ghost appeared to the old man as he was watching the Red Sox-Yankees game. (Ed.-Death=Red Sox) He looked closely and realized that it was indeed the ghost of his old friend. He had been able to come back! "You've made it back!" said the old man. "Yes, but I've got good news and bad news," said the ghost. "Tell me, my friend, is there baseball in heaven?" said the old man. "Well, yes, there is, that's the good news." "Wonderful! Now, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is...You're pitching tomorrow." ************************************************************************** A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. The librarian stares at it. Finally, the chicken says, "Baaawwwk!" The librarian continues to stare, confused. The chicken again goes, "Baaawwwk!" The librarian thinks, then gives the chicken a book. The chicken takes the book and leaves. The next day the chicken returns with the book under one wing. It walks up to the desk, drops the book, and says, "Baaawwwk! Baaawwwk!" So the librarian gives the chicken two books. The chicken takes the two books and leaves. The following day, the chicken returns, drops off the two books, and says, "Baaawwwk! Baaawwwk! Baaawwwk!" to which the librarian gives it three books. The chicken leaves. But the librarian is getting suspicious. The next day, the chicken goes through the whole routine, gets four books, and leaves. But this time the librarian decides to follow it. The chicken walks out of town, through the woods, over a small bridge, and up to the edge of a pond where a frog is sitting on a lily pad. As the librarian watches, the chicken gives each book to the frog who in turn throws it back on the ground, saying, "Riddit!" (read it) ************************************************************************** What did the crow sit on the telephone wire? He wanted to make a long distance cawl... Did you here about the Chinese girl who won the lottery? She was one fortunate cookie... There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessin(sp?) and one day had decided to make a stop in to the deli for some liver. Well he went in and ordered the liver. And while the clerk was weighing out the liver the boss(who was known to be real cheap-skate) whispered to the clerk, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver." *start* 17272 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 19 May 87 10:18:12 PDT (Tuesday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.U To: cc: , Cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- What's black, white, & red? A newspaper!! ----------------------------------------------------------------- A man was standing in front of a judge Man: Your honor, we did not gambling with money, we just played with chips. Judge: Chips is like money therefore you were gambling. Fine $300.00 So the man took 3 red chips out of his pocket, and gave them to the judge. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call a dog out in the rain? A. A Soggie Doggie Q. What do you call a dog that licks alot? A. A Smoochie poochie ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two farmers were talking about an upcoming election. The first farmer said "Say, your six boys all grew up to be good Democrats didn't they?". The second farmer replied "All except Jake, he learned to read" A bum was making a good living pan-handling, but he wasn't getting rich. One day he decided that he would only accept $10,000.00. From them on he went from person to person asking if they had $10,000 to spare, and he wouldn't accept anything less. Needless to say no one gave him the 10K and he died. The moral of this story is obviously - Don't put all your begs in one askit!!! Ferdinand Feghoot and his band of intrepid intergalatic travelers landed on a remote planet in a distant solar system. Inadvertantly they violated one of the local taboos and were cast into a cell to await death by torture. They were soon advised that the executioner was on his way. Suddenly the door flew open wide and in walked a 10 foot tall furry monster with a huge hypodermic needle sticking from the top of his head. Ferdinand cried out "Don't worry boys, It's only a furry with a syringe on top" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Seen at the beach a vampire with tan lines??? ----------------------------------------------------------------- What did the ocean say to the sand? It didn't say anything. It just waved. ----------------------------------------------------------------- What's the proper name for this molecule? Fe Fe | Fe \ | / Fe -- Fe -- Fe / | \ Fe | Fe Fe A Ferrous wheel. ----------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call eight rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards? A receding hareline! ----------------------------------------------------------------- What does one get when Honeywell merges with Fairchild? Fairwell, Honeychild. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Once, I was in a room full of people when the power went out. Somebody shouted for eveyone to raise their hands over their heads. Everyone did and the lights came back on. I said, "Hey buddy, how come the power came back when we all put our hands in the air?" He said, "I thought everybody knew that many hands make light work." ----------------------------------------------------------------- The armed forces are a gold mine on aviation anecdotes. Have you heard this one? An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Cnything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Winston Churchill, at a London society party, was accosted by a particularly obnoxious matron who accused: "Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!" Churchill's reply: "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober." .... after which she said, "Why, if you were my husband, I'd give you poison." To which he replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it." ---------- Calvin Coolidge, at a similar american affair, was also accosted by a social butterfly. She remarked, "My husband has bet me that you will not say three words to me all night." Cool Cal's reply: "You lose." ---------- Gladstone, the famous british politician of the 19th century, was once asked to define the difference between misfortune and calamity. "If Disralie fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune," He replied, " if someone pulled him out, THAT would be a calamity." ---------- There was this hijacker so dumb that he demanded four hostages and a gun. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Who is the largest mouse in the world? E. Norm Mouse... What should you give to mice that have bad breath? Mousewash... What goes "Snap, Crackle, Squeak"? Mice Crispies... Who is the prettiest mouse in America? Mouse America... What kind of horses to mice cowboys ride? Mousetangs... What does Sherlock Mouse do for a living? He solves Mouseteries... For what holiday do young mice hang up their stockings? ChristMouse... What game do mice play at parties? Mouseical chairs... How did the little mouse lose part of his tail? Cat-Nip... What kind of mice bite cats? Mousequitos... Which mouse wrote the Declaration of Independence? Tom Mouse Jefferson... Which kind of mice travel in space? Mousetronauts... What do mice learn in a first-aid class? Mouse to Mouse resuscitation... How does a mouse disguise himself? With a mousetache... ----------------------------------------------------------------- Opening lines: What's your sign? Neon. I really hate lines, but you're really extraordinarily beautiful and... Hey, what's the best line you've heard tonight? Do you mind if I sit down here, my arthritis is killing me. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? ----------------------------------------------------------------- ON HUMAN RELATIONS You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them. -- P.G. Wodehouse ON THE EL SEGUNDO CAFETERIA I wished now that I had gone to the restaurant across the street where the food had at least the merit of being tasteless. -- Peter De Vries It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy. -- James Thurber (when asked his opinion of a play) ON MANAGEMENT The little affair of operational command is something anyone can do. -- A. Hitler A manager is someone who can look at two numbers on a piece of paper, and he can immediately tell which one is bigger. -- R. Metcalfe (I think) ON PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. -- Will Rogers Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major, it had been all three. -- Joseph Heller, in Catch-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck." ----------------------------------------------------------------- According to a recent government publication ... A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury... ----------------------------------------------------------------- I'm really enjoying not talking to you. Let's not talk again real soon, ok? Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. Why be difficult when with a little bit of effort you can be impossible? Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. Be different. Act normal. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Here's a collection of Scientific and Futuristic graffiti: Microwaves frizz your heir. Got Mole problems? Call Avagadro: 6.02 x 10­23. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. Bumper sticker: I'd rather be teleporting. God didn't create the world in seven days. He rested for six and then pulled an all-nighter. Biology grows on you. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. Your test tube wears combat boots! James Watt is so dense, he absorbs neutrinos. Quasars shift red Hot stars burn blue Space is warped And so are you. Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. There's no future in time travel. Warning: Due to the robot shortage, some of our bartenders are human and will react unpredictably when insulted. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. Mobius strippers never show you their back side. Invest in physics, own a piece of Dirac. Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The reason computer chips are so small is that computers don't eat much. 186,000 mps: It isn't only a good idea; it's the law! Radioactive cats half 18 half-lives. ----------------------------------------------------------------- This is the story of four people named EVERYBODY, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, AND NOBODY. There was an important job to be done and EVERYBODY was asked to do it. ANYBODY could have done it, but NOBODY did it. SOMEBODY got angry about that, because it was EVERYBODY's job. EVERYBODY thought ANYBODY could do it, but NOBODY realized that EVERYBODY wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that NOBODY told ANYBODY so EVERYBODY blamed SOMEBODY. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dafynitionsquestionable: what the police do when they interrogate a cow's husband. product: a water bird who is on your side. infatuate: to put on weight. mandate: an appointment with a male. melancholic: caused by eating too much cantalope. Kitty Hawk: a buzzard that eats cats. symmetry: an Irish graveyard. intent: an "AT HOME" when you're on a camping trip. olfactory: an ancient mill. the agony of defeat: caused by attending the NCC exhibit hall! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Final Exam... FINAL EXAM INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately. HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes. PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle hav been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all possible points of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand. PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. If you finish early turn your paper in at the table at the front of the room. ----------------------------------------------------------------- An ENTERPRISING BUSINESSMAN perfected a forklike device that when inserted into a fish would cook it to perfection in minutes. The public reaction to this achievement was overwhelming. Soon many spurious copies flooded the market, and their inferior quality complelled the inventor to call a press conference. There, amid cheers, he held up his device, proclaiming once and for all, "Ladies and gentlemen: These are the tines that fry men's soles!" A bartender was startled to hear a harsh authoritative voice coming from a large bottle on the shelves behind him. "Straighten up, you lesser bottles," it rasped. "Turn your labels to the front. Wipe the dust off yourselves. Do as I tell you at all times. And follow me wherever I go. Understand?" "Look," said the bartender to the big bottle, "it's nice you can talk. But why give such peremptory orders?" "I can"t help it," came from the bottle. "You see I'm a born liter." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A brain surgeon has some trouble with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes out, works on the sink for about an hour and presents the surgeon with a bill for $200. The surgeon looks at the bill and says, "My God! You worked for only an hour and you're charging me $200. I'm a brain surgeon and I don't get $200 an hour!!". The plumber says, "When I was a brain surgeon I didn't get $200 an hour either." ----------------------------------------------------------------- PHILOSOPHIES OF LIFE 1. Only use moderation in moderation. 2. A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, but a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 10. Don't let the little guy think for the big guy. 17. All cats are grey in the dark. 18. All women are beautiful, some are just less beautiful than others. 39. You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your dad. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Abby, I have two brothers, one works at IBM, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at IBM. Sincerely, Fred *start* 21880 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 21 May 87 14:27:20 PDT (Thursday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 1.V To: cc: , Cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- MOTHER'S DAY MEDITATIONS FROM THE COMPUTER ROOM. A friend recently asked me what training it takes to work with computers. I gave a brief answer mentioning some college courses, some on-the-job training, and a long time in the school of hard knocks. But upon reflection, I realize that most of my training in fundamental computer concepts came from my mother. When I was a baby, mother taught me about input buffering: "Don't try to stuff all your food in your mouth at once. Leave it on your plate until you're ready to eat it, and then take it in one mouthful at a time." She also taught me about processing the entire input buffer before going on to the next step: "Eat everything on your plate. Then you can have dessert." (It will occur to some readers that mother also taught me about output buffering, but I'd like to keep these meditations G-rated.) When I was about four, mother introduced the concept of sequentially executed instructions: "We're going to set the table." (That's identification of the procedure.) "First put the table cloth on the table. Check it to make sure it's straight. Then put a plate at each place. Then put a cup at each place. Then ..." Later, mother introduced the concept of a procedure call: "We're going to have dinner. Please set the table." Still later, when I was about 14, mother would set up tasks for me and use "job control language" in a note on the refrigerator door: "We're going to have dinner at 6:00. You make it when you get home from school. The menu is pinned up on the bulletin board, the meat is in the refrigerator, and I've put the rest of the food out on the counter. Set an extra place - Uncle Jack is coming tonight." Mother demonstrated what it means to multi-process: She could deal with the interruptions of four children (those were the real-time, foreground tasks) while doing the housework (as a background task). Mother used the concept of hierarchical storage for her cooking tools. The cooking forks and spoons were hung on hooks right by the stove. The potato slicer and the egg beater, which weren't used for every meal, were kept in a drawer. And the big roaster, which she only used once a year to cook the Thanksgiving turkey, was kept in the storage closet in the basement. Once we had about fourteen people for Thanksgiving dinner, and our kitchen seemed too small for the job. That's when mother introduced the concept of backing store. She cleared off the ping-pong table in the rec room next to the kitchen and laid out all her ingredients on one side of the net. My sister and I fetched things from the "input" side of the ping-pong table as mother called for them, carried partially finished dishes to and from the "backing store" on the other side of the net, and delivered finished food to the "output" dining table. This system worked well, until my sister and I collided in the doorway between the two rooms and we nearly lost the creamed onions. Mother solved this problem of "channel contention" by establishing a protocol: "First say 'May I come through?' and then wait until you get the answer 'Yes; it's clear.'" It was also in the kitchen that mother taught me about looping and testing: "Cook the fudge, while stirring it, and test it every couple of minutes to see if it's done. You test it by dropping a bit of it in the cold water. When it forms a soft ball, it's done." For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. You were the best computer teacher I ever had. Kenneth Mayer: mayerk@eniac.seas.upenn.edu ----------------------------------------------------------------- Warning: May be offensive to Party officials and Communists. Has to do with shortages in the workers paradise. One day a man walked into the fish store and demanded some meat. The clerk replied "This is a fish store". The man again demanded meat and the clerk again told him it was the fish store. The man threw a fit, demanding that he be given some meat. Finally the exasperated clerk replied "You must go across the street, that is where they have no meat." ----------------------------------------------------------------- New Xerox copier wreaks havoc New Xerox copier wreaks havoc by Pete Repeat Xerox officials held an emergency press conference Thursday to announce a total recall of all Reprotron 5000 Three-Dimensional Copy Machines. Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low since the release of the innovative device. Xerox hailed the Reprotron 5000 as a "new revolution in copying" when it introduced the machine just two weeks ago, and market insiders were certain that the copier would send Xerox stock through the roof. At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staffers made full three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of fruit, and a perfect red rose. Reporters were invited to sample apples and oranges copied from the original fruit, though Xerox technicians did warn that the copied fruit might taste slightly of toner. John Thompson (inventor of the Reprotron) stepped forward to make a copy of a Manhattan phone book, but accidentally copied his hand and forearm. He quickly disposed of the highly detailed, frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of the copier's delivery slot. But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next. "We assumed that people would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with this copier, and obviously we were wrong," Thompson states. From all across the USA, reports have been filing in of the copier being used in what Thompson calls "sick, greedy ways." At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for making 15 copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then refusing to pay for the copies, claiming that some of the new children were "smudged." Local authorities were uncertain as to which charges should be pressed. In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are investigating reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single bar of gold bullion 150 times. A task force investigator stated, "Granted, it takes money to make money, but we're almost certain that this action is in violation of some laws." Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors that the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect. Harold Butz of Peoria, Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common cement brick spray-painted gold. Butz claims he was "shocked and dismayed" when he discovered that the machine-made copy was 22-karat solid gold. "All I wanted was a really good copy of a cement brick spray-painted gold'" Butz stated. "What the hell am I going to do with this thing?" Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but Thompson expressed concern over the so-called "black market Reprotrons." "Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered that if they had two machines, they could use one to make a working copy of the other," Thompson revealed. "To tell the truth, we only sold two machines in all - to the Cappelli family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm. These copy pirates should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a copy and so on, there are bound to be defects in the copies produced. We have no idea what kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a person copies something on a fourth- or fifth-generation machine." Thompson declined to comment on reports that hundreds of the pirated machines have a human thumb attached to the coin slot which constantly wiggles - the result of a person's thumb getting in the way during one of the original copier-to-copier copies. "Ultimately, we're not too worried," Thompson stated. "People owning the copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that make the machine work, and we've taken all the fluid off the market. A machine can only last two weeks or so without a fluid refill, and there won't be any fluid refills." When asked why people with copiers couldn't simply make copies of the fluid cannisters they already have, Xerox officials hastily ended the press conference, stating that they "need to reconsider a few things." ----------------------------------------------------------------- This guy is driving (putting) along the freeway during rush hour when out of no-where a pig jumps in front of his car. He slams on his breaks, barely missing the pig. He jumps out of his car to see if the pig is ok, but the pig being in a state of shock just lays on the ground in front of his car. Not knowing what to do with the pig, the man puts pig into the passenger seat of his car and continues driving. Slowly the pig comes out of shock, but continues to just sit in the front seat of the car. After awhile a cop pulls up beside the man and tells him to pull over. He does and the cop asks what he is doing with a pig in the front seat of his car. The man explains his near accident and then explains that he did not know what else to do with the pig. The cop says "Why don't you take the pig to the zoo." The man acknowleges that this is a good idea and departs for the zoo. The next day the cop sees the same man driving along the freeway with the pig still in the front seat of his car. So he motions him over and says, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo." The man replies, "I did, but we had such a good time I am going to take her to disneyland." ----------------------------------------------------------------- The pope received a call from God one day and God said, "I have some good news and some bad news." "Oh no," cried the pope, "I've really had a lousy day. Can you give me the good news first?" "Well," said God, "I'd like you to know that everyone on earth is converting to the one, true faith." "That's wonderful!" cried the pope, "After news like that, the bad news can't be all that bad. What is it?" God said, "I'm calling from Salt Lake City." ----------------------------------------------------------------- What's grey, has four legs and carries a trunk ? A mouse going on hoilday. What's brown has four legs and carries a trunk ? The same mouse returning from the holiday suntanned. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs. -Audobon Magazine ------- PILOT HARASSMENT An Argentine newspaper reports that bored penguins living on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local Royal Air Force pilots are fascinated by penguins, the birds congregate on a beach where the pilots fly over, and turn their heads slowly in unison while standing at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand pilots fly by, and when the penguins turn their heads in the opposite direction the airplanes all fly back, like remote control toys. Then, the paper reports "The penguins look directly out to sea, where the planes follow their gaze. Heads and planes go up, up, up, and ten thousand airplanes run out of fuel and fall splashing into the ocean." -Pilot Magazine ------- Jaimie Sin, the Roman Catholic cardinal of the Phillipines, recently arrived in Portland to present a speech. The local paper, the Oregonian, ran a article with a headline reading: "Cardinal Sin to speak in Portland" ----------------------------------------------------------------- * ring.... ring.... Hello? % Hello, I'd like to place an ad with your radio station, please. * Oh fine. You must have heard that 99% of all homes and cars have radio. % That's good, then all the earthlings will get our message. * "Earthlings" ? Just where are you from? % We're from the planet Thhoo-oo. * Oh, I see. And what did you want to say on radio ? % We would like to announce our take-over of this planet. You see, we conquered this planet hundreds of years ago, but no one took us seriously.... Probably because we look like one of your more average species. * And what species do you look like ? % Pigeons, actually. * Ha ha ha.... % See, I told you no one takes us seriously. * Ok, Ok.... I'm not laughing anymore. What is your message ? % We just want to say "Give us all your bread crumbs." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Things to Do If You're Not Motivated to Work 1) Dump the paper clips out of their box and make sure there are 200 of them. 2) Rearrange the icons on your Viewpoint desktop. 3) Re-read one of your old Trip Reports. 4) Backup the Development System files on tape. 5) Go to the lab and eat some jellybeans. 6) Try to figure out why you're not getting any messages from anyone in .WBST or .ROCHX2, but you know they're sending messages because you're seeing replies to those messages. 7) Rearrange the file folders in your desk. 8) Shoot the breeze with your boss. 9) Make up Part III of Special K's West Coast Trip Report. 10) Figure out how to submit this list to David Letterman. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Einstein also said (regarding quatum mechanics) something along the lines of "I do not believe God rolls dice with the universe." The current quantum mechanical understanding is, "Not only does God roll dice, he rolls them where they can't be seen." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Life is like an onion, you peel it one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Secret Is Out . . . (an Item scrawled on the Boskone graffitti sheet by Carl Zwanzig.) Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... -------------- I can personally attest to the miraculous properties of duct tape -- it works reasonably well in lieu of bandaids; also, Austin and I taped my kayak together (it had broken in half) with duct tape and I navigated (and rolled) through most of the tough rapids on the Stanislaus River last fall; of course, it wasn't as stiff as fiberglass, but then perhaps the hinged effect and the property of being able to dynamically change the boat shape with my feet may lead to another generation of boat design?. perhaps they should try it on the space shuttle instead of all those cumbersome ceramic tiles?? ----------------------------------------------------------------- The apotheosis of the pun may well be the one about the jester who punned on every subject except his royal master. When commanded to do so, he replied that the king was not a subject, whereupon the monarch ordered his execution. As the poor fellow stood on the gallows, a messenger arrived with news that the king would pardon him on condition that he would never commit another pun. Looking at the rope coiled about his neck, the jester said, "No noose is good noose," and he was hanged. And in honor of the upcoming softball season: A baseball player, who was known in the trade as a good fielder, no-hit fellow, got a new supply of bats from his favorite supplier. Suddenly, he went on a hitting spree. He knocked homers, three-baggers, doubles, and singles with great regularity. He suspected the war clubs were responsible for his new power. He went to the manufacturer and asked if any changes had been made in the latest shipment of bats. "Yes," the manufacturer said, "a change that will revolutionize batting. We call it 'Belfry.' We added it to your bats." "So that's why I've suddenly become a slugger," the player said. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Please oh Lord make my words sweet and tender for tomorrow I may have to eat them. ----------------------------------------------------------------- How about the old chestnut that the average human only uses 10% of their brain? The MIT paper "thursday" once published a great comeback to that one, "The rest is taken up by the operating system". ----------------------------------------------------------------- ... Then there's the cookbook published by Life Magazine. It contains all the oriental recipes ever published by their magazine. It's called: Recipes From All Woks of Life *start* 26597 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 21 May 87 14:47:35 PDT (Thursday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 2.1 To: cc: , Cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- A bit of afterword on Boyd's Florida barrel-rolling law. Thanks to Paula Balch.PA "The Trenton Pickle Ordinance and Other Bonehead Legislation" by Dick Hyman (The Stephen Greene Press, Brattleboro, Vermont) lists 114 pages of items similar to "Florida law prohibits rolling a barrel down the street." The California selection includes: DID YOU KNOW. . .? That San Francisco has an ordinance banning picking up used confetti to throw again. In Blythe, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public. And Brawley passed a resolution forbidding snow within the city limits. A Stockton law of 1926 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing. A Riverside health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss without first wiping their lips with carbolized rose water. San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash. But in Belvedere, a City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." In Hanford, people may not interfere with children jumping over water puddles. The California Paiute Indian Reservation's laws forbid a mother-in-law to spend more than thirty days a year with her children. Babies in Los Angeles are forbidden to ride in a grocery pushcart with food their mothers have been buying. Los Angeles law also forbids hunting moths under a street light, and says that you can't drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. L.A. also prohibits pickle-making at any point within the city's jurisdiction where its aroma might offend the nostrils of passersby. But an L.A. judge rules that "A private citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field." In Berkeley it's against the law to be caught smoking, or with matches in your possession, while out fishing. You also can't whistle for your lost canary before 7 a.m. It is unlawful to plant vegetables in California cemeteries, or to pick feathers from live geese, or to sell snakes on the street. It's a misdeameanor to detain a homing pigeon in California. A Glendale ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays or Wednesdays. ----------------------------------------------------------------- God gave us two ends, one to sit on and the other to think with. A man's success depends on which end he uses most. It's a case of heads you win and tails you lose. - Harold Sabbagh ----------------------------------------------------------------- Self-Defeating inventions (edited): 1. Elevator Earth Shoes 2. Heat n' eat popsicles 3. See-through mirror 4. Revolving basement restaurant 5. G-rated pornflick 6. Economy car conversion - fiberglass VW body on a Porsche chassis 7. Roll-on hairspray 8. Solar-powered foghorn 9. Moped exercycle 10. Objective journalism 11. Braille speedometers ----------------------------------------------------------------- The GILROY GARLIC DIET: eat anything you want, plus a pound of garlic each day. You won't lose any weight, but no one will get close enough to notice. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Pull yourself together!!! You can never tell which part you may suddenly need... If need means love, I love you... If love means need, I need you... How can i fail, when i no purpose.... In some ways, yesterday seems long ago~ in other ways it seems like only yesterday.... How can you say I have an attitude problem..... I don't even have an attitude. One of the biggest problems is how to have more pleasure, in less time...... Well!, Thank you very little...... If nobody else will teach the old, the young must teach them.... "I feel more like I do now than I did when I wrote this." "I wish I were what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish.... If I never find anything worth dying for, I may have to on living indefinitely.... The Rain falls equally on everybody, But there are some people who have the best umbrellas.... All custom officials are on strike ~ Travellers will have to inspect their own baggage.... I'll gladly hear what you have to say, if you promise not to change my mind.... I don't always need everything explained, But do need, desperately, to believe there is somewhere an explanation....... Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? I'm doing my best at the moment, but this is not necessarily my best moment.... I wish there were more time... For the things there's never enough time for... To be sure of winning, invent own game... And never tell any other player the rules... ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Right-handed people think with the left side of their brains; left-handed people think with the right side of their brains. Therefore left-handed people are the only ones operating in their right minds." ----------------------------------------------------------------- From yesterday's Chron: "The structures threatened by the fire had included List's family ranch and the homes of Nevada Attorney General Richard Bryan, Manchester, N.H., Union Leader Publisher [capitalization theirs] William Loeb and several millionaire ranchers, developers and social parasites." ----------------------------------------------------------------- US vs Japan "There are many reasons why the United States finds itself playing second fiddle to Japan today in so many high-technology areas where American pre-eminence was once unquestioned. Some of the reasons are complex, but one can be put in a statistical nutshell: Out of every 10,000 Americans, 20 are lawyers, 40 are accountants, and 70 are engineers. Out of every 10,000 Japanese, one is a lawyer, three are accountants -- and 400 are engineers." July's Optical Spectrum ----------------------------------------------------------------- Real Headlines [Courtesy of "The Lower case" page of the Columbia Journalism Review.] Gov. Brown gives in; orders spaying to end fly infestation -- LEDGER, Glendale, Calif 7/11/81 City picks complex contractor -- COLUMBIA RECORD, S. C. 6/15/81 19 Feet Broken in Pole Vault -- WICHITA EAGLE-BEACON, Kan. 6/21/81 City sewage rats may go up in 1982 -- MUNCIE EVENING PRESS, Ind. 12/29/80 Lions to install officers at zoo -- Linden, Ohio NEWS 6/10/81 'Mild' fertility drug produces quadruplets in 3 minutes -- NEW MEXICAN, Santa Fe 6/14/81 New Jersey to be moved -- Johnstown, Pa. TRIBUNE-DEMOCRAT 7/25/81 Legal aid advocates worry -- SUNDAY PANTAGRAPH, Bloomington, Ill. 6/28/81 Homicide suspect napped here -- Green Bay, Wis. NEWS-CHRONICLE 12/31/80 Homosexual Loses Boy Scout Suit -- PRESS-COURIER, Oxnard, Ca. 7/8/81 Therapist Is Needed by Ann Landers -- Gaithersburg, Md. GAZETTE 6/18/81 If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while -- Baltimore SUN 6/13/81 ----------------------------------------------------------------- From the November/December, 1981 issue of the Columbia Journalism Review's department "The Lower Case" Medfly Finds No Cause For Worry [Daily Sun/Post (San Clemente, CA) 9/1/81] The Salt Lake City Track Club's All-Women's 10,000-meter race is scheduled Saturday at 8 a.m. at Sugarhouse Park. The entry fee is $4 with shirt or $1 without. [The Salt Lake Tribune 8/27/81] Giant roaches set fall practice [Highland Park (Ill.) News 7/30/81] Warden and Aide at Rikers Are Demoted After Escapes [The New York Times 8/15/81] Navy Finds Dead Pilots Flying With Hangovers [The Washington Post 9/18/81] Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation [Los Angeles Times 8/10/81] Coed Climbing Out in Iran [Buffalo (N.Y.) Evening News 8/10/81] Fried chicken cooked in microwave wins trip [The (Portland) Oregonian 7/8/81] Local Charity Group Helps Disable Man [The Clayton (Georgia) News Daily 9/14/81] Guyer's widow rules out plans to replace him [The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer 4/28/81] ----------------------------------------------------------------- White House Kills Fund Raiser After Complaints About Tactics Newsday 3/19/81 Jury is still out on composting toilets Statesman-Journal (Salem, Ore.) 3/15/81 SHUTTLE PASSES TEST; A WORKER IS KILLED The New York Times 3/20/81 Americans Take New Positions A Sexual Evolution--Not Revolution San Diego Union 10/27/80 Defendant's speech ends in long sentence Minneapolis Tribune 2/25/81 Museums utilizing TV to attack visitors Fort Worth Star-Telegram 1/7/81 Rents bride, bridesmaid gowns Toledo bridal shop offers new twist on old tradition The Daily Sentinal-Tribune (Bowling Green, Ohio) 2/14/81 ----------------------------------------------------------------- GETTING CREDIT: This Credit Union Offers ''Prom'' Loans CHICAGO - You're a student at suburban Homewood-Flossmoor High School with a big dance coming up, and you're broke. No problem, go to your friendly Kenn Bloom who runs a student credit union and get a loan - he will take your parents as ''collateral.'' Slug PM-Student Credit. ----------------------------------------------------------------- I was driving along stuck behind a local city bus. It lumbered uphill, emitting great quantities of thick black diesel exhaust. Through the haze, I could just make out the ad on the back of the bus for an area FM station. The slogan: "Fresh Country Air". ----------------------------------------------------------------- Caption on a picture in an article about wildlife photos: BLACK BEAR The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Quote from an IBM Manual "If you miskey a symbol, it will be treated as text, unless it is mistaken for another symbol." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Here are some items adapted from the amusing British "Book of Heroic Failures" by Stephen Pile: THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. THE WORST HIJACKING We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied. "Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again. THE WORST BANK ROBBERY In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Quote from "Intel Solutions" 12/81 - "Intel's own Board of Directors could not agree on whether to proceed with the commercial sale of the 4004. Their resistance was underscored by the company's marketing department which, based on the belief that microprocessors would only be sold as minicomputer replacements, initially estimated the entire world-wide market at only a few thousand units per year." ----------------------------------------------------------------- As you all know, it was Hitler's idea to have the VW invented, but were you aware that Germany is also respsonsible for the Datsun? A German designer could find no one in his own country to manufacture his design for a new, fuel efficient car. The perplexed designer traveled to Japan & sought out a car manufacturer there. The manufacturer was quite impressed with the revolunary design & couldn't wait to start work on the prototype. As it was late May, the now happy designer queried, "When can you start mass production?" The Japenese replied, "In June or July"; to which the amazed German asked, . . . (here it comes!) . . . "Dat zoon?!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Three friends planned trips to Africa but were unable to go at the same time. The first chap returned from his safari and reported that he'd passed through a clearing and had seen Tarzan. Tarzan was painting white stripes on black zebras, black stripes on white zebras and black and white stripes on plain zebras. The second chap returned from his safari and reported that Tarzan was still doing the same thing. The third chap went on his trip, walked through the clearing, and there was Tarzan, still painting zebras. He stopped and asked, "What are you doing?" The reply: "Tarzan stripes forever." ----------------------------------------------------------------- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" (a book of cartoons) Comment on cover - This book may be the ONLY thing that New Yorkers and Californians have in common. "To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred thousand." "To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and stopping at red lights are both optional." "To a New Yorker, Californians never walk anywhere because walking is illegal in some neighborhoods and embarrassing in others. There are only four shoe-repair shops in the entire state (three of which take only clogs) because many Californians have never learned to walk at all. They learn how to surf at the age of two and soon afterward learn how to drive." "To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan to spend a few days there." "To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other." "To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the Swedes speak better English." ----------------------------------------------------------------- OWATONNA, Minn (AP) {found in a newpaper from Buffalo, NY} Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge - if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel. The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch. Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville. Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again." ----------------------------------------------------------------- I have a friend who was driving in his car with his five year old daughter, Sarah, when he was involved in a minor traffic accident. As he got out of the car, Sarah asked where he was going. He replied that he was going to exchange names with the driver of the other car. When he came back, Sarah asked with a worried voice, "What's your name now, Daddy?" ----------------------------------------------------------------- My 15 year old daughter was taking her boyfriend out to dinner on his birthday last year. They were discussing what type of food they liked in order to decide on which restaurant to go to. My daughter asked him if he liked filet mignon. He answered "I don't like fish". Not too long ago my daughter, now a mature 16, mentioned that there was a very nice restaurant one of her friends went to with "chalet parking." ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Model Railroaders are a little loco." ----------------------------------------------------------------- (UPI) LONG BEACH, Calif. -- Look, up in the sky. Is it a bird, a plane, the space shuttle? No. It's Larry Walters at 16,000 feet in his lawn chair. Walters, 33, a truck driver, spent nearly two hours in the air Friday in an aluminum lawn chair suspended from a 50-foot cable attached to 45 helium-filled weather balloons. Among other things, he threw a scare into a couple of airline pilots who happened across the path of his weird flying contraption. "I know it sounds strange but it's true," said a Long Beach police officer. "The guy just filled up some balloons with helium, strapped on a parachute, grabbed a BB gun and took off." But everything didn't go as planned and Walters had a few dicey moments as he started getting numb in the cold atmosphere at 16,000 feet and decided to descend -- which he accomplished by popping some of the balloons with the BB gun. As he neared the ground he saw power lines. "That's when I got scared," he said. "Those things can fry you." He didn't get fried, the balloons draped themselves across the wires, leaving Walters dangling in his chair a few feet off the ground and he dropped to earth. The landing knocked out power in the neighborhood for 20 minutes. "I have fulfilled my 20-year dream," said Walters, a truck driver for a company that makes TV commercials. "I'm staying on the ground. I proved to myself that the thing works." In addition to the BB gun and the parachute, Walter carried several one-gallon water jugs for ballast, a life vest and a CB radio. "But the best piece of equipment was the lawn chair," Walters said. "It was a Sears. It was extremely comfortable." Walters told authorities he was trying to drift to the Mojave Desert, site of Sunday's scheduled space shuttle Columbia landing, but the winds didn't cooperate. "I wasn't trying to upstage the space shuttle," Walters said. "I would have landed well away from there. I just wanted to lay back and enjoy it all, but I had to do something when my toes started getting numb." Police said they probably would not file charges against Walters. But the Federal Aviation Administration was investigating, mainly because of the scare Walters gave the airline pilots who came across him at 16,000 feet in his flying lawn chair. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Definitions of the Sciences 1) If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Love may make the world go 'round, but inertia keeps it from stopping. ----------------------------------------------------------------- My keyboard generated this of its own Accord. Afterwards it Buick down Saabing. Probably needs more LUV and car. (to sung(?), apparantly, to the tune of the theme from "Mr. Ed") A Porsche is a Porsche, Of course, of course, And no one would ride With a talking Porsche, That is, of course, Unless the Porsche, Is the famous Doctor Porsche! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Our friend Dr. Wang may have some trouble selling "Wang-Net" in the Chinese marketplace. The Chinese word for "Net" is also "Wang", so "WangNet" would translate to "Wang-Wang". Believe it or not, "Wang-Wang" is the sound that dogs are said to make in Chinese -- in other words, "Wang-Wang" means "Bow-Wow"! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Intellectuals of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains! ----------------------------------------------------------------- A couple of weeks ago, on the steps of Boston City Hall, I heard a couple of fellows calling out: "Generic stickers, 50 cents! Generic stickers, 50 cents!" Sure enough, they had a supply of stickers, white background, black block letters: "GENERIC STICKER". ----------------------------------------------------------------- I held technical talks with my 14-year-old nephew, who is heavy into programming games on his IBM personal computer. I tried to impress him with how superior the XEROX programming environment is, but he shot back: "Heck, the only programming environment I need is a pile of chocolate-chip cookies and a glass of milk!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- At a recent event in New York, someone pointed out that when Ma Bell finishes stringing the country with fiber-optic cables to replace traditional wire, it may end up holding the world's largest supply of copper. Copper prices could plunge and perhaps put copper back in cookware, where it belongs. [John C. Dvorak, writing in "Infoworld", Nov. 1, 1982] Although Ma Bell's impending switch to fiber-optic cable will make her the biggest supplier of copper in the world, one need not fear an immediate price drop. It is rumored that a consortium of EtherNet suppliers have recently bid for all Ma's copper surplus. However, nimbleness will be required to avoid the price collapse when EtherNet is replaced by FiberNet. [John C. Tilimuc, writing in "Cheese Producer's Advisor", Feb. 1, 1983] ----------------------------------------------------------------- Astronomers at Cal Tech, using the 200-inch Mount Palomar telescope, have sighted the economic recovery just beyond the orbit of the planet Saturn. The recovery, which passes periodically through the solar system, will not be visible to the naked eye until 1988. ----------------------------------------------------------------- From an old POGO comic ... "We have faults which we have hardly used yet." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A Scary Way To Make a Bank Deposit East Greenbush, N.Y. State police have brought a charge of disorderly conduct against a man who handed a bank teller a note that read: "Don't be alarmed. This is a bank deposit. Please take the money out of the envelope and put it in the bank." Investigator Joseph Kivlin said John Kronau, 25, of Averill Park, was arrested because the note apparently was given to the teller "to alarm her as a prank." Police said Kronau handed over the note Wednesday at the East Greenbush branch of the Troy Savings Bank to make a $225 deposit. He is scheduled to appear in court Wednesday. Associated Press ----------------------------------------------------------------- *start* 23423 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 21 May 87 15:06:23 PDT (Thursday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 2.2 To: cc: , Cate3 "Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough." Descartes, 1637 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fanatic: Someone who, having lost site of his goal, re-doubles his efforts. "If you can't get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!" Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A small bank in New Hampshire is now giving away a free gun with every long term deposit made. (I didn't hear how much, though). ----------------------------------------------------------------- What it would mean if it already didn't: concrete - to swindle a resident of Crete rebuttal - the proceedure used to affix new hindquarters implementation - a sorrowful statement by a very small person bucket - alternate nomenclature for female deer horticulture - a `lady of the night' en route to an opera terrace - To leave hurridly armadillo - to provide weapons to a spanish pickle propagate - to hold open an passage thru a fence, as with a stick. counterpart - subassemblies or pieces of an article of kitchen furniture modem - what people of a particular ethenic group say when they want a second helping of black-eyed peas. telephony - to identify an imposter zebra - an item of ladies underware purchased by Dolly Parton concourse - a golf course located in a penetentary information - how the Blue Angels fly federation - having given a ration of food to someone instable - where horses sleep gruesome - what farmer Brown did to corn last year graven - a very serious `n' founder - what the police did to a lost female pursuant - what aunt sue said paradox - a brace of physicians boycott - a bed for a young male person encrypt - where Egyption kings are burried ----------------------------------------------------------------- Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Johnnie was a chemist, A chemist he is no more. For what he thought was H2O Was H2SO4. (H2SO4 = sulfuric acid) ----------------------------------------------------------------- (To the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer) Randolph the bowlegged cowboy had a very shiny gun, And if you ever saw it, you would turn around and run. All of the other cowboys used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Randolph join in any cowboy games. Then one rainy Friday night, the sheriff came to say, "Randolph with your gun so bright, won't you shoot my wife tonight?" Then all the cowboys loved him, and they shouted out with glee, "Randolph, the bowlegged cowboy, you land in the penitentiary!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- From a forthcoming book by Arthur Bloch, entitled 'Murphy's Son-In-Laws', come the following rules that appear to govern our lives: O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen Cleanliness is next to impossible Lieberman's Law Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. Denniston's Law Virtue is its own punishment. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly Conway's Law In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; This person must be fired. Green's Law of Debate Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Stewart's law of Retroaction It's easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission. Harrison's Postulate For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Hanlon's razor Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Muir's Law When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. First Rule of History History doesn't repeat itself - Historians merely repeat each other. Finster's Law A closed mouth gathers no feet. Oliver's Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are. Lynch's Law When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. Glyme's Formula for Success The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. Mason's First Law of Synergism The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. The Sausage Principle People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. So He steps up to tee off, and his too is a straight drive up the fairway, but a little short. Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs the ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can even get ten feet, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the trio gets above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole in one. Arnold Palmer says to Jesus, he says "Are you going to play golf or are you going to fool around?" OR After the gopher and the eagle dissapeared and the ball went in, Jesus looked up and said: Father please....I'd rather do it myself! ----------------------------------------------------------------- There was a pediatrician--who shall remain nameless--who, though he was a good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks. One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk. As Dr. X was doing his tricks, the kid said -If you're such a good magician, let's see you turn yourself into an apple.- The doctor complied, and quick as a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut. And the children were jubulient because they figured they had him out of their way. Then someone had a troubling thought. -How do we know he's still really in there?- he asked. -That's easy- said the kid, -Just weigh the box. If it weighs less, it means he's escaped.- So that was what they did. A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple. ----------------------------------------------------------------- This was originally said of race cars but is probably a generic truth in technology: No matter how much money you spend, you can't make a racehorse out of a pig. You can, however, make an awfully fast pig. ----------------------------------------------------------------- KI-MO-SA-BE: (what Tonto calls his masked friend) According to a Navaho translation it means: 1) A wet shirt on ones back or 2) A dirty rag on a bush. So when Tonto says, "Lets go Kimosabe", he's really telling The Lone Ranger "It's time to wash your clothes". ----------------------------------------------------------------- A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is reported that both crews have been marooned. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Basques and the Spaniards were tearing up the countryside with one of their endless wars when the Basques chased the Spaniards into a box canyon. Thinking that they had trapped the enemy, the Basques fortified the only entrance hoping to starve the Spaniards into submission. After weeks of waiting, the Basques were surprised by an attack on their rear and soundly defeated: the clever Spaniards had found another way out! The moral of the story is, of course, DON'T PUT ALL OF YOUR BASQUES IN ONE EXIT. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A man starts work as President of a company. His predecessor tells him as he prepares to leave for the last time that when he gets into trouble that he has left three envelopes that will help but that they should be used one at a time. Things go along okay for a while and then trouble pops up. The guy opens the first envelope and reads, " Blame previous management." He does and things go better for a while. When things get bad again he opens the second envelope and reads, "Re-organize". This makes things better for a while, but sure enough he finds himself reachnig for the third envlope. Inside he finds, " Prepare three envelopes" ----------------------------------------------------------------- From the Jan 22 Portland OR Oregonian Some one-liners from Stephen Wright: I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Picketing for dollars: Pro-life pickets found themselves in an awkward position recently raising funds for the facility they were trying to close down. When the Portland Women's Feminist Health Clinic heard they were targeted, staff got on the phones and, with the help of the Community Clinic Defense Coalition, solicited sponsors. The more picketers that showed up and the longer they waved their signs, the more money they brought in. According to Leila Whittemore, Clinic Defense Director, the fundraiser brought in a much needed $700. "Not bad for only three pickets," Whittemore observed. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water, its easier if it's frosen." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A reporter from Time magazine, working in Phiilipines, was writing an article on the new government. An aide asked if he'd like to see the version of Mt. Rushmore that was completed just before Marcos left the country. He quickly agreed and off they went. Eventually they came to a mountain with three images carved into it. One was George Washington, one was Richard Nixon, and one was Ferdinand Marcos. After staring at the monument for a while the Time reporter finally said "I'm sorry, I just don't understand the relation between these men!" "Easy" replied the aide, "Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell the truth, and Marcos could not tell the difference." ----------------------------------------------------------------- From this morning's LA Times: A 20-foot metal sculpture is missing, and San Jose officials fear it may have been destroyed by construction workers who did not recognize it as art. "I feel awful about it, just awful," said city redevelopment Director Frank Taylor. "It was not a traditional piece of art, but it was a real nice piece." The sculpture stood on Market Street where the Fairmont Hotel is being built. Consuelo Santos-Killins, a California Arts Council member from San Jose, said construction workers may have placed it in a trash bin and "squished it to bits." ----------------------------------------------------------------- "If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." John Kenneth Galbraith ----------------------------------------------------------------- Thomas Edison is alleged to have remarked about his laboratory, "There ain't no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something." ----------------------------------------------------------------- About a year ago the light bulb in the left rear turn signal of my car burnt out and I replaced it. I wanted to check to make sure it was working, so I got a programmer to help me. I asked him to stand behind the car and tell me if the signal was working when I turned it on. I turned it on and heard him say, "It's working. Now it's not working. It's working. Now it's not working. . . " ----------------------------------------------------------------- People recently gave officers these reaseons for speeding........... 1) An elderly lady told the officer "I am in a hurry to get back to the restaurant where I left my dentures!!!" 2) A truck driver told this cop: "The onions I'm carrying made my eyes water so badly, I couldn't see the speedometer...." 3) This young lady explained: "I just switched from regular-unleaded to that new premium-unleaded gasoline, and it made my car go faster......" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two girls were walking along the road when a toad croaked, "Kiss me and I'll turn into a handsome Texas oilman." One of the girls stooped over, picked the toad up and stuffed it into her purse. "Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other asked in amazement. "Texas oilmen ain't worth a hoot these days,' she explained, "but a talkin' toad's worth a fortune!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- There was this girl who was such an airhead that she thought 'nirvana' was where Wheel of Fortune contestants stand.... (Groan!) ----------------------------------------------------------------- A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses. He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until he returned to a city in Alaska. "You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man. "If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Only those who attempt the absurd ... will achieve the impossible ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: longest turnaround time in the world "Rumor has it that when they closed down the 7094 at MIT in 1973, they found a low-priority job that had been submitted in 1967 and had not yet been run." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: It's how you say it. "The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly. They were just the first not to crash." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: UFOs and the FAA "Why would we care about a U.F.O.?" said Louis Achitoff, a spokesman for the eastern region of the F.A.A., in an interview. "If the pilot's up there with a clearance and at the right altitude, we don't care what planet he comes from." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Transitional Logic 1) Marriage is an institution 2) Marriage is Love 3) Love is Blind Therefore, Marriage is an institution for the Blind. ----------------------------------------------------------------- There was this doctor that always went to the country club and ordered an almond daquiri. It was his standard. Anyway, one day the bartender was out of almonds so he substituted something else. The doctor came in and ordered the usual. When he got it, he tasted it and said to the bartender " Hey, is this my usual almond daquiri?" The bartender replied, " No, that is a hickory daquiri, doc." ----------------------------------------------------------------- My favorite reference book is "1001 Logical Laws, Accurate Axioms, Profound Principles, Trusty Truisms, Homey Homilies, Colorful Corollaries, Quotable Quotes, and Rambunctious Ruminations For All Walks of Life," by John Peers, who is also president of Logical Machine Corporation and the discoverer of Peers's Law, which is: "The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem." Although no book review could possibly do justice to this compendium of universal wisdom, a few brief excerpts are presented below. The Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another. Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Brewer's Observation: No good deed goes unpunished. Jacquin's Postulate: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Hoare's Law: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out. Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else. ----------------------------------------------------------------- An English baker opened a bakery in a resort area in Northwest Africa. He featured his two specialties, traditional scones and fresh brown rolls. For his grand opening, he offered a sample of both of his specialties free with any purchase. Despite this appealing promotion, his grand opening was a failure. For while he attracted some of the tourists in the area, none of the local people patronized his bakery, with the exception of the reporter for the local newspaper, who filed the following headline: "A Roll and Scone Gathers no Moors." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2 Oct 84 16:05:19 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Chocolate vs the PC From the current Forbes: You can't say that Americans don't have their priorities straight. Last year they spent $4 billion on chocolate, which is a bit more that the amount spent on personal computer hardware and software put together. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: New Xerox Network? Over the last few days they have been tearing up the ceilings in Xerox Centre and installing large ugly pipes. Throughout our floor you can see these large, ugly, black, pipes sticking down though the false ceilings and the interconnecting pipes are visible in some places (the pipes sticking down out of the ceilings have not been cut off and no sprinkler heads have been installed yet). This morning when I came in, a sign was hanging from a pipe outside of our office area that simply says: ------------- "AquaNet?". ------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- The following items supposedly appeared in newspapers. True Facts #53 Would-be burglar Steven Little, thirty-two, had drunk thirty-five dollars' worth of beer before his attempt to break into a boot store in Longmont, Colorado, so it wasn't until he began trying to pry open the front door with a crowbar that he realized the shop was still open and people were staring at him from inside. Little made off empty-handed, but was later found by police asleep in his van. Rocky Mountain News True Facts #57 A Jamaican living in Philadelphia, twenty-eight-year-old Isaac Reid, claimed that he shot and killed his wife because she was practicing witchcraft on him. He became convinced of her spell, he told a Common Pleas Court, when he was suddenly inspired to watch "boring" television shows like "Nova" and "Masterpiece Theater". Philadelphia Inquirer True Facts #59 Police bomb experts cordoned off a two-block area around the Kenmore, Ohio, home of John Call, fifty-four, while they dismantled what turned out to be a package containing paper, candle wax, wires, a battery, and a badly battered clock. Call had found what appeared to be a bomb ticking on his front porch. A police spokesman said that Call was particularly lucky that the device was not a bomb, because before calling police he had taken the package into his backyard and beat it with a bumper jack until it stopped ticking. Akron Beacon Journal ----------------------------------------------------------------- COME AND EAT From Harpers New Monthly Magazine, September 1855: There was a dry old fellow out in Jefferson County, in the state of Virginia who called one day on the member of Congress-elect. The family were at breakfast, and the old man was not in a decent trim to be invited to set by; but he was hungry, and determined to get an invitation. "What's the news?" inquired the congressman. "Nothing much, but one of my neighbors gave his child such a queer name." "Ah! And what was that?" "Why, Come and Eat." The name was so peculiar that it was repeated. "Come and Eat?" "Yes, thank you," said the old man, "I don't care if I do," and drew up to the table. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The following warning appears at the beginning of the video "The Compleat Al" by Weird Al Yankovick. (used without permission) WARNING The owner of the copyright in this motion picture has authorized its use in this cassette for the purpose of private home viewing without any charge of any kind. Any other user of this cassette, including any copy, reproduction, or performance of any of the material in it is an infringement of copyright and may result in civil liabilty or criminal prosecution as provided by law. But if you do insist on copying this program, please be aware that the patented "Copy-Stop" (R) system developed by the National Association of Television Research Engineers will cause severe damage to your video cassette recording device accompanied by a bright blue-grey flash and strong arcid ordor, which may in turn affect nearby house plants and cause discoloration of fine upholstery. In addition, you may experience headaches, drowsiness, nausea, severe loss of memory, high blood pressure, nosebleeds, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. Household pets may develop similar symptoms including extreme personality disorders and occasional spontaneous combustion. We're not kidding about this. Unlawful duplication of this program may result in local civil unrest, meteorological disturbances, and volcanic eruptions, causing the Earth to fall out of its planetary orbit and plunge directly into the Sun. The producers of this program assume no liability for any of the consequences resulting from your stupid, unthinking, greedy and careless attempt to deprive them of income. Thank You. ----------------------------------------------------------------- When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll in. Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, then the problems will soon be solved. Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels. ----------------------------------------------------------------- From Saturday Night Live: Gary Hart and his wife Lee have decided to repeat their marriage vows. Mrs. Hart said that the wedding will be exactly the same as their first, except they've decided to skip the rice thing. ----------------------------------------------------------------- *start* 14232 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 22 May 87 13:40:55 PDT (Friday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 2.3 To: cc: , Cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Saw this sticker on the lefthand side of a bumper on the 405 freeway during Friday afternoon rush hour: "I LOVE TO DRIVE THE 405" Then, a few seconds later, as I'm wondering what bizarre kind of person would actually enjoy driving the 405 during rush hour, I notice another bumpersticker on the righthand side: "I ALSO LOVE TO BANG MY HEAD WITH BRICKS" ----------------------------------------------------------------- On the left corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying: "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy" On the right corner of the bumper there was a sticker saying: "Eliminate and Abolish Redundancy" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bumper Snickers: BUREAUCRACY: a method for transforming energy into solid waste. XEROX: Your BUREAUCRACY is our business. LEMMINGS DON'T GROW OLDER, THEY JUST DIE BE REALISTIC: Plan for a miracle LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, TUNE THY PIANO Real People Wear Fake Furs. You have a seatbelt; has it hugged you today? Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary. Illiterate? Write for free help. MY OTHER CAR IS A REAL OTA Subject: Bumper sticker du jour ONE SOVIET INVASION CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE DAY Seen on a Saab: Key Mow Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator: Beware of Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark! Support mental health, or I'll kill you! Help Stamp Out Intolerance! Save an alligator; shoot a preppi I'm not FOR apathy and I'm not AGAINST it. Have you hugged your money today? I'VE BEEN TO THE SHOP THAT SELLS BUMPER STICKERS Prosperity is our God given right SAVE THE CHOCOLATE MOOSE! Archaeologists will date any old thing. I refuse to participate in the RECESSION DANGER! I drive like you do. I BRAKE FOR BRICK WALLS IF U [heart] NY GO BACK! JazzerSleep FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME, STAMP OUT THE IRS I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold ESCHEW OBFUSCATION The highway of life is always under construction DOES THE NAME PAVLOV RING A BELL? WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES NOW GO HOME DO LOS ANGELES A FAVOR. WHEN YOU LEAVE, TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU. I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention! I love, I owe, so off to work I go. Illiterate? Write for free information. WARP 6 A Law We Can Live With The San Diego Freeway.... Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! HAVE YOU HARRASED A TOURIST TODAY? THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THEY GET ELECTED. PASS WITH CARE, DRIVER CHEWING TOBACCO KISSING A SMOKER IS LIKE LICKING AN ASHTRAY GOD'S LAST NAME ISN'T DAMMIT! WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE A PORSCHE HONK IF YOU'RE CUTE, RICH, & LOVE HORSES LEAVE ME ALONE I'M HAVING A CRISIS THE BEST THING TO SPEND ON YOUR CHILDREN IS TIME I HATE BUMPER STICKERS 3 GOOD THINGS ABOUT SCHOOL: JUNE, JULY, AUGUST SUPPORT YOUR RIGHT TO ARM BEARS! Also seen: IBM PC's eat Apples! IGNORE APATHY Seen on a plummer's truck: In my business, a flush beats a full house. On a well worn, ca 1967 Volkswagen: Driver Carries No Cash Seen on cars in Apple Computer parking lots --- Honk if you hate the IBM PC ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dafynitions questionable: what the police do when they interrogate a cow's husband. product: a water bird who is on your side. infatuate: to put on weight. mandate: an appointment with a male. melancholic: caused by eating too much cantalope. Kitty Hawk: a buzzard that eats cats. intent: an "AT HOME" when you're on a camping trip. olfactory: an ancient mill. the agony of defeat: caused by attending the NCC exhibit hall! Raffle: In Alabama, used for hunting. ----------------------------------------------------------------- GraphicsDafynitions from the July/August 83 issue of Computer Graphics News: Monitor - An ironclad warship, see Merrimack. Convergence - a convocation of graphics programmers. Chroma - Material used in automobile bumpers: manufactured in Italy. Luminance - Title used when addressing the president of National Computer Graphics Association (NCGA). Scan Conversion - Religious experience at a speed reading clinic. Scanlines - Monthly newsletter of the Scan converts. Phosphor - Portion of a Vulcan greeting ("Live long and ...") Interlace - Technique used by top runners to keep their shoes on. Flicker - My Friend. NTSC - Successor to the National Transportation Safety Board. Color Burst - Result of a terrorist attack on a paint store. Electron Gun - Weapon used by physicist on safari for elementary particles. Blanking - Term used to describe non-working equipment ("That blanking ...") Saturation - The result of reading too many of these dafynitions. Farmer: n. A man who is outstanding in his field. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Mingled Metaphors There's a flaw in the ointment. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it. It can't hurt but help us. Don't look at me in that tone of voice. Let's roll up our elbows and get to work. There's no surefool way of proceeding. Laughing on the outside, paneling on the inside, ... Look at the camera and say "birdie". Let me take you under my thumb. That's all water over the bridge now. That takes the cake -- and eats it, too. You're treading on thin ground. Before they made him, they broke the mold. We've got them eating out of our laps. No sooner said, the better. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Buttons Seen at SF Cons I thought YOU silenced the guard! Lawful Dungeon Master - and they're MY laws! Don't worry - the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. Shift to the left, shift to the right, Push down, pop up, byte, byte, byte! 42 Property of Presteign's Visit Scenic Gyronchi Piddle, twiddle, and resolve Not one damn thing do we solve I see in my glassy ball... (I can't afford rock crystal) Filksinger for hire (Ear insurance extra) Planetary Engineer Fjords a speciality I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere Hitch-hiker... DON'T talk to me about Hitch-hiker! E = mc­2 +- 3db Speaker to Enzymes Even puppeteers have enemies Freedom - It is our worship-word! To hell with the Prime Directive; Let's KILL something! Mildly annoyed scientist Incorrigible punster Do not incorrige It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations ----------------------------------------------------------------- Seen on a button at a conference: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. ----------------------------------------------------------------- From T-Shirts: Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. Princess in training. I know I'm effecient. Tell me I'm beautiful. Princesses don't do dishes or take out garbage. A woman's place is in the mall. Women like the simplest things in life...men. So many men, so few straight. Part of the art of being a woman is knowing when not to be too much of a lady. They've found something that does the work of 5 men...1 woman. It isn't easy being a Princess. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. When the going gets tough the tough go shopping. I'm the mommy, that's why! Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. Not now, my soap is on. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Born to shop. Marriage causes dating problems. It's better to divorce than to murder. Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. (Einstien) Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. I used to be disgusted, now, I'm just ammused. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. We are the people our parents warned us about. Madness takes its toll. I don't care. I don't have to. I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself. There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting. Question authority. So? The torture never stops. Ask me if I care. Why look here for the joke? It's all around us. Power means not having to respond. What's a nice person like me doing in a place like this? Why are we all puit here to suffer and die? Onward through the fog. I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane. Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. I used to know that stuff. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? Don't be humble. You're not that great. I do my best to be just who I am, but everybody wants me to be just like them. Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible. I'm not deaf. I'm ignoring you. When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. Whatever it is I'm against it. I'm the person your mother warned you about. If you're looking for me I just left. Reality police. It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. Shut up and dance. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Let's get drunk and be somebody. It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. I'm really enjoying not talking to you. Let's not talk again real soon, OK? What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally. Welcome to the zoo. I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost. Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it si very important that you do it. (Ghandi) Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma. If I follow you home would you keep me? Why be difficult when with just a little effort you can be impossible? Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness. Better dead than mellow. It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore. It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun. We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. Never attribute to malice what can by adequately explained by stupidity. Real life isn't like this. Talent does what it can, genius does what it must, I do what I'm paid to do. The one who dies with the most toys wins. Be different, act normal. If you don't understand my silence you won't understand my words. Love means having to say your sorry every five minutes. I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality. If you keep an open mind people will throw alot of garbage in it. Reality is for people who lack imagination. When the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro. Have another day. My lawyer can beat up your lawyer. I may not always be perfect, but I'm always me. Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. Conform, go crazy, or become an artist. Have an ordinary day. Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive. Still crazy after all these years. I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't make any difference. It's never to late to have a happy childhood. You can tell the men from the boys by the price of their toys. I used to be an adult before I grew up. Ignore alien orders. I want it all and I want it now. Don't ask me any questions. I just might tell you the truth. Assume nothing. Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances. For this I spent all those years in college? You're not from Earth, are you? Damn I'm good. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. With liberty and justice for all who can afford it. What does it all mean? It's been Monday all week today. It's not easy for a night person to work days. The opera isn't over until the fat lady sings. Just because you're paranoid doen't mean they're not out to get you. Here I am again at the penitentiary of insanity and stress. Sacred cows make great hamburgers. I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant. Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours. It's not my week to care. Break a few rules. One person with courage makes a majority. It is better to divorce than to murder. Being normal is driving me crazy. It's impolite to silence a fool and cruel to let him go on. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke. I guess you had to be there. I've heard that money cna't buy happiness, but I'd like to find out for myself. You can live outside the law, but you must be honest. If you're not an idealist at 20 you have no heart, but if you're still an idealist at 30 you have no head. Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself. Why listen to reason when insanity prevails. There is no excuse for laziness, but I'm working on it. Legalize freedom. What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying. In the land of the blind the one-eyed must be mad. If its worth doing it's worth doing for money. If you have to ask you'll never know. If you're normal, who wants to be normal? Sounds like a personal problem to me. Don't let school interfere with your education. Perfect stranger. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid. Thrill me, then leave. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble delegate. Mama told me there'd be years like these. You don't know what you're talking about do you? Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person. The real thing doesn't advertise. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Our parents were never our age. When everyone agress with me, I know I'm wrong. Are you making this up as you go along? No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. I never argue with fools. People might not know the difference. Once you accept his assumptions even a madman seems reasonable. I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby. When its you against the world, back the world. *start* 14977 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 31 Aug 87 10:14:37 PDT (Monday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 2.4 To: cc: , Cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Heard on the radio - "Quintuplets were born today to ---------. All will be named Thursday." Is that to be Thursday 1, Thursday, 2, etc.? ----------------------------------------------------------------- "A diamond is a girl's best friend, but you have to be friendly to get one!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Please cleanup after yourself. Your mother doesn't work here. ----------------------------------------------------------------- There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of wooden toilet seats... It's called the Birch John Society. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "It's not necessarily the coldest woman that gets the fur coat." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Doublespeak awards for 1984 Heard on NPR The government agency in charge of civilian relocation in the event of a nuclear war described the 20 percent of the civilian population that would panic as "20 percent of the civilian population would spontaneously relocate"! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Meeting The Eye You'll probably find that it suits your book to be a bit cleverer than you look. Observe that the easiest method by far is to look a bit stupider than you are. Piet Hein ----------------------------------------------------------------- When people think of Jersey City, they remember the good old days and people such as Barney Doyle, who was named superintendent of weights and measures as political payoff by the ruling Democratic machine. "Superintendent, how many ounces in a pound?" yelled one reporter after Barney's swearing-in ceremony. "Give me a break, fellows." he replied. "I just got the job." [Forbes, December 31, 1984] ----------------------------------------------------------------- Quotation from Marvin Minsky in LIFE Magazine of November 20, 1970: ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be incalculable ... ----------------------------------------------------------------- New York Times clipping from April, 1972: COMPUTER SHOWERS A BRITON WITH GIFTS Eveashan, England. Joseph Begley saved 2,000 cigarette coupons and mailed them in to a British cigarette company in order to get a watch. When the watch didn't arrive he wrote and asked why. Back came three watches. Mr. Begley only wanted one so he mailed back the other two. The next day 10 parcels arrived from the cigarette company. The following day 18 parcels arrived. The day after that 10 more parcels came. All were trade-in gifts given by the cigarette company in exchange for coupons Mr. Begley never had. Among the gifts were three tape recorders, a doll, a golf bag, two electric blankets, a cot, saucepans, a pressure cooker, and long-playing records. Mr. Begley wrote a long, pleading letter to the company asking them to stop. In the return mail came a reply saying: "It was a computer error." The company gave Mr. Begley 10,000 coupons in compensation for his troubles. With these Mr. Begley ordered some tools and a beadspread. He received a plant stand and two stepladders. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Science is the game you play with God to find out what His rules are. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "There's something different about us - different from people of Europe, Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny." - G. Gordon Liddy ----------------------------------------------------------------- Seen on Israeli army recruitment poster: "Join The Army And See The Pyramids" ----------------------------------------------------------------- From Chemical & Engineering News 3/30/83 Newscripts A Monster in the Thames Jack Cooperman teaches a course in nuitrition at New York Medical College in Valhalla, NY. In a final exam, he writes, one of his students included the following tale: "In the mid-19th century, London was terrorized by the arrival of a tremendous monster in the Thames. It was soon dispatched by the townspeople, but nobody could decide what to do with the corpse. Finally, a butcher decided to make sausage out of it. Charles Dickens, upon observing the result, commented, "It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames." ----------------------------------------------------------------- FOTOMAT BURNS DOWN NO FILM AT 11 ----------------------------------------------------------------- "To open...Open like any umbrella. To close...Close like any umbrella." --Instructions for Sears compact manual umbrella ----------------------------------------------------------------- What do Michael Jackson and the San Francisco Giants have in common? They both wear gloves on one hand for no apparent reason. ----------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a Soviet string quartet? A Soviet symphony orchestra after a tour of the USA. ----------------------------------------------------------------- As reported by the May 28th issue of Aviation Week and Space Technology: Ma Bell Rescue It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. ----------------------------------------------------------------- 11 Jun 84 SF Chronicle... Social Security officals sent a letter to a Fort Lauderdale woman who died in December, asking her to appear at the local agency office to present proof of her death. Jon Shamres, an assistant attorney general counsel for Broward County, opened the envelope addressed to his late mother. It contained a form letter with a handwritten note attached that said: "We've received a report that you may be deceased. Please come in with proof of identity." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A foreman at a construction site looked up an saw one of his men swinging from some electrical wires saying, "Whee, I'm a lightbulb." The foreman yelled to the worker, "Kowalski, you could kill yourself! When I get back from lunch, I expect you to be back to work." The foreman came back from lunch and saw Kowalski still swinging happily from the electrical wires, "Whee, I'm a light bulb." The foreman had had it. He took the elevator up and told Kowalski that he was fired. On his way down, the foreman looked over and saw the little Italian carpenter packing his tools. He asked, "Guiseppi, where do you think you are going?" "What, you think ima crazy, work with no light?" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Supposedly a true story... Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. 'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. 'Within 1 minute, the person presummed dead in this case will walk into this court room,' he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.' The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. 'But how?' inquires the lawyer. 'You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.' Answers the representative: 'Oh, we did look. But your client didn't.' ----------------------------------------------------------------- The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. Paul Erdman's Money Book ----------------------------------------------------------------- THE LIMITS OF TELEGRAPHY from "The Jolly Joker," NY, circa 1880 When it was first reported that Professor Morse had succeeded in conveying intelligence between Baltimore and Washington, through the wires of the magnetic telegraph, one old savant, who had been a schoolmaster and a member of the Legislature, gave it as his opinion that the report was "a humbug." In fact, from his knowledge of "astronomy," he said he knew the thing could not be done. Shortly after, linemen were seen setting up telegraph poles directly by the old man's dwelling. Upon being asked what he thought of the matter then, he hesitated a moment -- assuming an air of importance -- and then replied, "Well, gentlemen, while in the Legislature I gave the subject considerable attention, and after much investigation and reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it may answer very well for small packages, but it will never do for large bundles -- never!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Taken from the Rochester paper: ROCKFORD, ILL. --When temperatures plunged to minus 26, the Rockford Register asked its readers to finsh the sentence, "It was so cold that----". Here are some of the responses: O Our snowman beged us not to leave him out another night. O Even my soft water was hard O Even the world leaders couldn't get into a heated arguement O When I went out, my shadow froze to the sidewalk O You could freeze and egg on the sidewalk O I saw a fish jump in the river and the splash froze O I had to go up and break the smoke off the chimney O The altar boys had to jump-start the candles O My false teeth chattered-- and they weren't even in my mouth O I looked out the window and saw a cottontail pushing a jackrabbit to get him started O When the police saw a robbery suspect they said 'freeze'-- and he did O The snow is turning blue O I put the meat in the freezer to defrost O I saw a 32nd degree Mason, and he was down to 15. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The future: AT&T will announce its new "Intergalactic Direct Distance Dialing" system (IGDDD). Although no foreign galaxies will yet have been hooked into the system, it will be recommended that users begin placing calls immediately since the time lag to get a ring at the called party's phone may range up to hundreds of millions of years or more. When asked about charging for the new service, the official reply will be, "if you have to ask, you can't afford it - but you won't have to worry about getting a bill any time soon. In a dramatic event, a team of hard-core teenage computer "crackers" will be found to have spent over 10,000 man-hours attempting to break into what they thought was a high-security computer system. It will be revealed, however, that the youngsters were actually attempting to log in to a modem that was not attached to a computer at all. The local district attorney's office will announce that charges of malicious mischief will be filed against the crackers as soon as they have been deemd safe to be released from their rubber rooms, where they continue to babble, "Man, this is one tough system to crack..." ----------------------------------------------------------------- For the definitive observation abt Silicon Valley... "..John Joss nominates these words from public relations whizard Marty Winston: 'The computer industry is journalists in their 20s standing in awe of entrepreneurs in their 30s who are hiring salesmen in their 40s and 50s and paying them in the 60s and 70s to bring their marketing into the 80s.' " ----------------------------------------------------------------- Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thursday, 21 March 1985 19:44-EST From: Joe Pistritto To: Soft-Eng at MIT-MC Re: Disastrous bugs Well, there was this cement factory that a company [who shall remain nameless], I used to work for built an 8080 based distributed control system for (at the time this was state-of-the-art in process control). The plant crushed boulders into sand before mixing with other things to make cement. The conveyors to the rock crusher (and the crusher itself) were controlled by the 8080s. A batch of defective MOSTEK ram chips used in the processor had a habit of dropping bits (no parity or ECC), causing at one point the 2nd of a series of 3 conveyors to switch off. This caused a large pile of boulders (about 6-8 feet in diameter) to pile up on top of the conveyor (about 80 feet up), eventually falling off and crushing several cars on the parking lot, and damaging a building. We noticed the problem when we couldn't explain the dull thuds we were hearing in the control room and looked out the window... You had to be there... -JCP- PS: I became a convert to error correcting memories (which were quite expensive at the time, this was 1975), immediately. PPS: Everyone I know in industrial process control has a dozen of these type stories (all true) to tell. Its just amazing what happens when you let computers control BIG things. ---------------------------------------------------------------- *start* 22621 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Date: 31 Aug 87 10:14:55 PDT (Monday) From: Cate3.PA Subject: Life 2.5 To: cc: , Cate3 ----------------------------------------------------------------- This article appeared on my desk this morning, courtesy of a collegue who read it in this month's (around May of 1987) "Verbatim" magazine, a periodical devoted to language, and, as in the following, the interesting uses thereof. All misspellings are mine, the funny bits are all true to the article. Enjoy. John Worley hplabs!dana!worley The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Title: David Frost's Book of the World's Worst Decisions Author: Frost, David & Michael Deakin Publisher: Crown Publishers, Inc. Date: 1983 David Frost is a well-known TV personality. Michael Deakin is programming director for a television station founded by Frost in England. This book is a collection of truly bad decisions from the fields of politics, sports, business, science, show business, and everyday life. Sam Phillips owned a small recording company in Memphis. In 1955 he sold to RCA Records, for the sum of $35,000, the exclusive contract he had with a young man named Elvis Presley, thereby forfeiting royalties on more than a billion records. In 1889 the editor of the San Francisco Examiner published one article by Rudyard Kipling but declined to accept any more. "I'm sorry, Mr. Kipling," he said, "but you just don't know how to use the English language." In 1981 Dora Wilson looked out her window and saw some men loading her neighbor's priceless Persian carpets into a van. "What are you doing?" she called. "We're taking them to be cleaned," the men replied. "Will you take mine too?" she asked. They did, and she never saw the men or the carpets again. In 1910 Olav Olavson decided to raise some cash by selling his body to the Karolinska Institute, for medical research after his death. The following year he inherited a fortune and tried to buy himself back. The institute refused to sell and went to court to verify their claim. They even won damages, since Olav had had two teeth pulled without asking their permission. In 1938 Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel sold all rights to the comic-strip character Superman to their publishers for $130, a tidy $65 each. In 1977 a South African hang-gliding instructor spotted an interesting sight and made an obscene gesture at a woman who was sunbathing on a rooftop below his flight path. The woman's husband appeared with a submachine gun and blasted the birdman out of the sky. In 1898 young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical Institute, but was turned down on the grounds that he "showed no promise" as a student. In 1880 a house master at Harrow wrote of one of his pupils, "He is forgetful, careless, unpunctual, irregular in every way.... If he is unable to conquer this slovenliness he will never make a success of public school." The boy in question was Winston Churchill. In 1940 the British Secret Service decided that microfilms must be made of all personnel records, in case the originals were damaged by enemy action. It was only when the originals were, in fact, destroyed by enemy action that it was discovered that the photographer had cropped the top of every negative so the name of the person to whom the file referred was missing. In 1862 the Union and Confederacy forces met at the Battle of Antietam. The Union forces under General Burnside were ordered to cross the Potomac River and join battle with the enemy. They marched across the bridge two abreast, making an ideal target for Confederate gunners placed so as to command the bridge. The slaughter was appalling. General Burnside had failed to notice that the river was only waist deep and could have been crossed at any other point in perfect safety. In 1886 prospector Sors Hariezon decided to sell his South African gold claim for $20. Over the next 90 years, mines sunk on or near his claim produced over a million kilograms of gold a year, 70% of the gold supply of the Western world. During the 1950's when the BBC's new broadcasting facilities were built, the corridors were narrow and labyrinthine. The Music Department became concerned about the difficulties they would face in transporting their grand pianos from one studio to another, and decided on a series of trials to find the easiest route. They asked the BBC carpenters to make a plywood mockup of a full-size piano rather than risk one of their expensive instruments. The model was duly constructed -- and found to be too large to pass through the door of the carpentry shop. ----------------------------------------------------------------- From the San Jose Mercury News, Monday afternoon 1 July 1985: Cats scratched from Boston jury You've heard of a kangaroo court. Now from the Massachusetts Office of the Jury Commissioner comes the feline jury. David Christian's pets, Cat Mousam and Leo A. Longfellow, took on new identities in the Boston Election Department. The department, which compiles the census, had fabricated entire identities for Mousam and her "stepbrother" cat, Longfellow, whose name was also listed on Christian's door. Mousam, said to be born in 1956, and Longfellow, born in 1953, were both listed as nurses. Registrar of Voters Charles Scordino said the department uses meter maids, crossing guards, and off-duty police officers to take the census, and said if voters aren't home, their names are often taken off doors and mailboxes. "Evidently, someone made a mistake somewhere," said Scordino. Christian, the cats' owner, figures the jury list was made up after city census takers took the cats' names off his front door. "It's not going to reflect on the Elections Commission over there. It's going to reflect on us. We're going to look stupid summoning a cat," said Francine Thomas, secretary to the State Jury Commissioner. Cat Mousam was in fact ordered to report for jury duty Aug. 7. But she has since been taken off the jury list. "It's funny, they didn't disqualify her because she was a cat," said Christian, 40, a psychiatric social worker. "They disqualified her because she can't speak English." ----------------------------------------------------------------- (from: The Sacramento (California) Bee, June 15, 1983) Terminal Love: Computer Gives It A New Meaning ---------------------------------------------- Debbie Fuhrman, 23, was using a computer service's open channel to ask computer wizards across the country how to retrieve files stored in another computer. Many gallant electronic knights typed in responses to the lady in distress, but none seemed as knowledgeable as George "Mike" Stickel, 29, a Grand Prairie, Texas, copier service manager. The pair took the computer equivalent of going outside for a walk: They moved to a private channel so Mike could answer Debbie's technical questions. "Then we started sneaking in personal questions," Mike recalls. "If you don't mind my asking, do you have a boyfriend?" he queried hopefully. "No," Debbie replied on her keyboard. Mike and Debbie "talked" on the computer from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. that first October night, each paying $5 an hour for the computer time. Then they talked every night for 10 days straight. After a few days, Mike became curious about Debbie's looks. The 5-foot-11, 145-pound Mike found out he was courting a 5-foot-7, 120-pound woman with long brown hair and blue eyes. A couple of days later Mike typed, "If you don't mind me asking, how do you like to kiss? Do you like long, deep passionate kisses, or shallow pecks?" Then one day Debbie telephoned Mike at 5:30 p.m. and said, ""Do you mind if we meet?" She left her Phoenix home for Texas a few hours later. Debbie stayed four days. After she left, she sent Mike a piece of electronic mail, filling his computer screen with "Mike, I love you!" Several months later, on Valentine's Day, Mike and Debbie stood before a computer terminal to be married. Invitations had been sent to computer friends by electronic mail. The bride's parents "watched" the wedding in their Phoenix home on a computer terminal. Debbie's sister was on-line at a Radio Shack store in Sacramento. The Rev. Kim Payton, a Universalist minister, stood at one terminal. Debbie and Mike stood across from him at their own terminal. A total of 66 people scattered across North America watched the questions appear: Do you, Debbie, take Mike to be your lawful husband? "I will," Debbie key-boarded. The screen flashed (((((((KISS))))))). Then the screen erupted in a shower of "rice" (apostrophes). The bride's mother typed in "Sniff." (c) Washington Post magazine ----------------------------------------------------------------- Survey of proof techniques I recently came across a survey of proof techniques that I remembered reading a few years back. Many of you have probably already seen it but I thought that it might be a helpful guide for anyone whose educational background has been so lacking as to have missed it. The survey was written by Dana Angluin. His professional association was not given. Luckily, the survey is short enough to present here: Proof by example: The author gives only the case n=2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof. Proof by intimidation: 'Trivial.' Proof by vigorous handwaving: Works well in a classroom or seminar setting. Proof by cumbersome notation: Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols. Proof by exhaustion: An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful. Proof by omission: 'The reader may easily supply the details.' 'The other 253 cases are analogous.' '...' Proof by obfuscation: A long plotless sequence of true and\or meaningless syntactically related statements. Proof by wishful citation: The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims. Proof by funding: How could three different government agencies be wrong? Proof by eminent authority: 'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.' Proof by personal communication: 'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal commmunication]. Proof by reduction to the wrong problem: 'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.' Proof by reference to inaccessible literature: The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883. Proof by importance: A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question. Proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample. Proof by cosmology: The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God. Proof by mutual reference: In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A. Proof by metaproof: A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques. Proof by picture: A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission. Proof by vehement assertion: It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience. Proof by ghost reference: Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given. Proof by forward reference: Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first. Proof by semantic shift: Some standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result. Proof by appeal to intuition: Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here. ----------------------------------------------------------------