*start*
17403 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  5 Sep 88 13:52:15 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.A
From: Cate3
To: Cate3


----------------------------------------------------

	I bought some used paint, came in the shape of a house.

----------------------------------------------------

You know those bumper stickers that say "Escape to Wisconsin"?

Well, as I understand it, they are put out by the Wisconsin board of
tourism (whatever they call it there).  Where are they made, then?

Why, in a state prison by convicts, of course.  :-)

----------------------------------------------------

George:  ... and here's a book on Trigonometry.  You don't even
         know what that means.

Gracie:  Oh, I do so.  Now take it by syllables.  First comes
         "trigo", that's a horse.  And then comes "nom", that's
         French for name.  And last "etry", you know what that
         is.  So "Trigonometry" is a book about a French horse
         up a tree.

----------------------------------------------------

I liked Letterman's "USA Today Poll" --- 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of
the population.

----------------------------------------------------

Subject: Oxymoronic Phrase!

Heard on local newscast Sunday evening...
"and in the Midwest, some Fourth of July plans are being dampened by the drought..."

----------------------------------------------------

"Honey, there's a salesman at the door with a mustache!"
"Tell him I've already got one."

----------------------------------------------------

This one's attributed to Groucho Marx.

"Hey Groucho, the garbageman is at the door."
"Tell him I don't want any."

----------------------------------------------------

With all the anti-drug messages on television lately, I was quite surprised
to hear the announcer's comments during the Wimbelton (sp?) match this past
weekend:

... With all the heat this weekend it is going to be a rough match, but
   <tennis player's name here> should have an advantage, he plays better 
    on grass. 

----------------------------------------------------

I once bought a little container of Minced Garlic at the Food Gallery on
Centre Ave., Shadyside.  The shelf price was something like $1.89, I don't
really know.  The scanned price, however, was $5287.44.

I was with a bunch of my friends, all of whom were very very amused by this.
Unfortunately, the checkout clerk and the manager were both fairly humorless,
and didn't appreciate our comments.

  "Bad garlic crop this year?"
  "Gee, I better really enjoy this garlic bread tonight."
  "Do you take the American Express Gold Card?"
  "Only fifty-two hundred?  I'll take two."
  "Reaganomics."
  "Do you have change for a ten thousand?"
  "Hmm.  Garlic bread tonight, or a new car?"

----------------------------------------------------

Summer:  long days, warm sun, good books.  Here's to it!

There are some people who read too much:  the bibliobibuli.  I know some
who are constantly drunk on books, as other men are drunk on whiskey or religion.
 They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze,
seeing nothing and hearing nothing.
	--H.L. Mencken

A house without books is like  room without windows.
	-- Horace Mann

All that Mankind has done, thought, gained or been, it is lying as in magic
preservation in the pages of books.  They are the choicest possessions of men.
	-- Thomas Carlyle

La vrai disette, c'est l'absence de livres.
Real poverty is lack of books.
	-- Colette

When I speak of being in contact with my books, I mean it literally.  I like
to be able to lean my head against them . . . .
	-- Leigh Hunt

All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened . . . .
	--Ernest Hemingway

Whenever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.
	--Heinrich Heine

For hym was levere have at his beddes heed
Twenty bookes, clad in blak or reed,
Of Aristotle and his philosphie,
Than robes riche, or fithele, or gay sautrie,
But al be that he was a philsophre,
Yet hadde he but litel gold in cofre.
	-- Geoffrey Chaucer


----------------------------------------------------

TEXACO TRIES TITILLATING TECHNIQUE

The financially troubled Texaco company told Renegade News it plans to
tap a new market in an effort to bring their balance sheet into the
black.  All service stations in the thirteen state drought-stricken
area of the nation will be converted from selling gasoline to selling
tap water.

Water will come in three varieties, similar to the gas they will
replace.

REGULAR water will be equivalent to the water in residential homes.

A MID-GRADE water, to help plants grow faster, will have a higher
phosphate base like the water that leaves your washing machine.

And a HIGH TEST water will be similar to water taken from the cooling
towers at your nearby nuclear power plant.


In a related story, Yuppies from all over the country are sending in
their Perrier brand water to the nation's farming belt to help fight
the drought. Farmers appreciate the bottled water effort, but noted one
side effect.  Last week, several cows in one man's stockyard had the
urge to steal a BMW and drive recklessly across Nebraska.

RENEGADE NEWS -- The News We Twist To Fit {tm}
06/16/88

----------------------------------------------------

                           ALICE in DIGITALand

"Where am  I?"  asked  Alice,  as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign
with the standard blue letters.

"You're in Digitaland,"  replied  the  security  guard,  "May  I see your
badge?"

"I don't have a badge."

"Did you lose it?"

"No." answered Alice in  a  puzzled  tone.  "How could I lose something I
never had?"

"If it's not lost then you must show it to me."

"I can't.  I don't have one."

"Then you'll have to have a temporary."

"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.

"A temporary Badge.  What's your badge number?" requested the guard.

"I don't have one"

"Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1.  Give me  your  badge  number,  and your
cost center"

"I'm so confused.  I can't do this. I've already said 3  times why.  Do I
have to tell you 4?"

"Ahhh.  3XY, badge number 4.    You  must  be very important to have such
a low badge number.  I should have immediately recognized how low by your
state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary.  Go right on in."

Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall.  Not
10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking  rabbit  coming  toward
her.   He was dressed in a pair of torn,  faded  jeans,  and  a dirty tee
shirt.  

"What's wrong?" Alice asked.

"I'm late!  I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart    
dangling from his pocket protector.

"Late for what?" asked Alice.

"My date.  I'm going to miss my date.  I've got  a  deadline  to meet and
I'm not going to make it."

"Well,  if  it's  already dead, it probably won't mind.  In fact it  isn't
likely  to be going too far in such a state.  I'm sure that however  long
you take will be just fine."

"You obviously don't understand.  Everything  takes longer than it really
does.  It  doesn't  matter  what  you  are doing, only that you meet your
date, and that's always impossible."

"Well if its impossible, why  would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost
at once regretting that she had  asked.    Was  this  was  going to be as
confusing as badges?

"Its really very simple.  In order to move forward, you need a goal.  Any
goal will  do.    It  just  has  to be impossible to do.  To motivate the
troops, you have  to  make goals very challenging.  Its really only there
to get a stake  in  the  ground,  you  know.  After that we march in step
until we reach our objective.    The  date  really doesn't mean anything.
You simple have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."

"But  the if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything why
are you trying to go there.   Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out
what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"

"You obviously don't understand the process.   And  as  I said before I'm
late so there is obviously only one thing to do."

"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it  would  sound more like a
suggestion than a question.

"No.  No.  No.  A meeting.  Let find  the  Mad  Manager  and  a number of
involved, interested, or warm bodies."

"That will obviously take a lot of time.  I don't think  you  have any to
waste.

"No it won't.  All we have to do is find a conference  room.    There are
lots of them right over here."

"But,"  started  Alice,  "those rooms are all full of people.  Don't we
need an empty conference room?"

"Silly thought.   If  we  want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting
attendees, why would we  look  in  an empty conference room?  Anyway, its
impossible to ever find an empty conference room."

The rabbit took Alice by  the  hand,  and  promptly  lead  her  into  the
largest,  fullest conference room.  Alice  immediately  noticed  that  the
wastebasket was quite full of foam cups,  and  overhead  projector bulbs.
These people had obviously been here for a long time.

At the head of the table sat a  man  with  a  rather funny suit wearing a
large hat.

"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat?
Who is he?"

"I'm  the  Mad  Manager,"  answered  the  man  at the end of  the  table,
obviously  overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you  why
I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."

"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.

"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.

"Is  what  a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third.  "The reason for
the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"

"Why don't we take this off line?" queried another.

"Does everyone  agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked
the mad manager.

"Possibly so.  " injected the person in the corner.  "Could it be that we
have a hidden agenda?"

"Oh no!" the Mad  Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone
has hidden the agenda again!  Let me put on my process hat and we'll see
if we can work this issue."

With that, he removed his rather  amusing  top hat, and place a big green
fedora on his head.

"Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden
agenda.  Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it
is up to all of us to find it."

"But, " a voice from the corner piped in,  "who  is  going  to drive this
issue?"

"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.

"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the mad manager.

"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.

"I  believe that the woman who came in with the  rabbit  proposed  this.
Shouldn't she own it?"

"Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice.  "I'd say that this is your
issue."

"What  issue.    I  don't  have  any issues.  " retorted Alice, nervously
fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."

"I'm not  sure  we  can  accept  that," the manager declared.  "We need a
date."

"But, " Alice began,  remembering what the rabbit told her about dates,
"a date is impossible."

>From the back of the  room  another  voice asked, "How about a date for a
date?"

"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to
give us the date for the date."  stated the person in the corner.

"I'm not sure I can do  that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm
supposed to give you a date for.    I'm having a problem trying to figure
out what you want me to do."

"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!"  Piped a chorus of
voices.

"It's  really  quite  obvious,"  the mad manager declared as  he  reached
behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let  me  put on my Digital
hat  for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping  on  his
latest selection, "You must do the right thing."

"Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing.

"Now,  who  is  keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the
beret  and  placed the fedora back on his head.  "We need to record  this
action item so we can come back to it later."

"We obviously can't  deal  with  this  issue until we can determine whose
meeting this is?" 

"Should we schedule some time to  cover  that  topic?"  asked  one of the
attendees.

"Whose going to drive this?" asked another.

Just at the Mad Manager was pulling  out  a  rather  worn  pith helmet, a
voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1
off line"

Being closest to the door Alice was the first  to  leave.    She  quickly
dashed  down  the  hall,  and  ran  up  the first flight  of  stairs  she
encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.

When  she  opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if
returning to  the  meeting wasn't a bad idea.  Seated around a large oval
table were what  appeared  to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or
navy blue three piece  suit.   Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped
handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.

"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was  sitting at the
head of the table.  Alice noticed that her tie was silk,  and  each  card
seated  near  her  was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to
the queen's.

"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked.  By now she was 
feeling beyond confused.

"It's  not  a  modern,  iconic,  user  friendly, menu driven,  color,  PC
compatible user interface," replied the queen, in a tone that  would need
to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.

"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.

"What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.

"No, I'm Alice.  Who are you?"  

"Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.

"And what is that?" asked Alice.

There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with
their ties, checked their watches  and  scribbled  notes  on  the pads of
paper contained in a handsome genuine  imitation  leather folder embossed
with the company logo.  Then one  by  one,  as  dominoes  would  do, they
turned to the person on the left until  they  all  stared at the queen of
hearts.

The queen  cleared  her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared
directly at Alice.   "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow
the business."  

"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!"

"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical.  We feel its our
job to develop the vision for the long term."

"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"

In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a
small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.

"Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus.

"No!  No!" shouted the Queen.  "You still do not understand.  We take the
pulse of the key market leaders demand curve."

"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."

By  now the chorus of  cards  chanting  "Tac-ti-cal!    Tac-ti-cal!"  was
becoming too much.  

The queen was furious and repeated her  original greeting.  "Off with her
head!  Off With her head"

"WAIT!" demanded Alice.  "I believe I understand.  You are all responsible
for  driving  the  solution  opportunities  for  the  key  client  supply
perceptions  through  strategic vision management!" 

Alice wondered if she should  add something about the claws catching, and
frumious bandersnatches and thought that she'd  best  leave  it  at  that
before she became ill.

"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"

"And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?"

"By calling a BOD," the queen responded.

"And what, pray tell, might that be?"  inquired  Alice  as she looked for
the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber  would  keep  her head
attached long enough to get out.

"A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice  noticed  the door
to the left of the table.  "Its a type of high level meeting."

"A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice.  "Not  another  meeting!"  With that
she bolted for the door, no longer  fearing  for her head.  Her only hope
was that she make it through before the  agenda  hit the overhead.  In a
dead run, she passed through the door just as  the projector lamp flicked
on.  The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.

Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area.  Directly in front of
her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple  chrome  table.  A
stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.

As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods,
soft drinks and  salad began their daily spiel.  "Eat Me!  Drink Me!  Eat
Me!"

"Oh no," answered Alice,  "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and
meetings and agendas, and marketing  and badges, but I do know food.  I'm
not gonna touch any of you.   After the morning I've had I deserve a nice
cheese steak (no lettuce)!"

With that, Alice opened the  nearest  exit  door  and left.  A resounding
high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real
world.


*start*
20043 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  5 Sep 88 14:05:29 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.B
From: Cate3
To: Cate3


----------------------------------------------------

Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.

        "What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked 
Shevardnadze.
        Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours."
        "Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here."
        "Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze.

----------------------------------------------------

In Cambridge food markets beware of the line
Reserved for those buying ten items or less
Because MIT students cannot read the sign
And Harvard ones' counting amounts to a guess.

(Anyway, the sign should say "ten items or fewer.")

---------------------

I see (said the job applicant) that your advertisement calls for a Harvard
man "or equivalent."  Are you more interested in two Yale men, or a Princeton
man working half-time?

(Don't write me; I already know: this joke is obsolete.  Linda Blair, God
help us all, is a Princeton man.  Or am I thinking of Jody Foster?)

----------------------------------------------------

From Curt Gerling in the Webster Herald:

The Pentagon scandal has everyone jittery.  Last week outside the Pentagon
someone yelled "Stop thief" and 14 people did.

----------------------------------------------------

I saw this one the other day, and thought it was cute.


  I LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE
                     MEN !!

----------------------------------------------------

sign I have seen in local department stores:

	1.  Ears pierced
            While you wait
	(I hope so)

----------------------------------------------------

My favorite confused person was the woman who asked my father for
two forms of ID when he had given her a 20. He hadned her his drivers liscense

----------------------------------------------------
(To appreciate this joke fully it should be realized that the net spent two
months with various versions of the three strings and punchline of "I'm afraid knot.")

  A Net.addict was driving along in his beat-up old Toyota. He was so addicted
to the net that he had a laptop connected to the net via a cellular phone
in his car. He was so busy reading the jokes in soc.women and soc.men that
he failed to notice that he was low on gas.
  Suddenly, in the country (ie out of the city), he ran out of gas. He pondered
his dilemma briefly before he started walking, looking for a gas station.
  At one juncture, he decided to cross a farmer's field. Halfway across
the field, he encountered a gigantic pig. He was a little worried because
of the size of the pig, but he tried to carry on non-chalantly. Just as
he began to pass the pig, to his amazement , the pig began to speak:
  "Aren't you going to pay the toll for crossing this field?" the pig asked
the Net.addict.
  "No," responded the Net.addict. "I'm a frayed knot. Are you going to attack
me for not paying the toll?"
  "Well, yes," replied the pig. "I'm a feared sow."
 
----------------------------------------------------

                            FEAR OF FAILING
          (Outlandish comments from professors on student papers)
 
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
                                   --English Professor, Ohio University
 
"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
                                                            --Anonymous
 
"What's page one, a preemptive strike?"
          --Professor David Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
 
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is
from the wrong kind of tree."
                                                              --"Mr. W"
 
"The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.  Don't ever
do this to my eyes again."
             --Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
 
"I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my
mental instability."
                           --Psychology Professor, Farifield University

----------------------------------------------------

This is jest kleen stough, suffer and smyle.  Jest readed this in August
izue uf  Reader's Digest.

		MAKES SENSE TO ME

Beguiling ideas about science quoted here were taken from 5th & 6th graders'
essays, exams and classroom discusions:

	You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit.  If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

	When planets ago around and around in circles we say they are orbiting.
 When people do it we say they are crazy.

	A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way to go.

	Genetics explain why you look  like your father and if you don't why you should.

	Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're here.

	We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation gets
blamed for many things people forget to put the top on.

	I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But clouds know how to do it and that
is the important thing.

	Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

	Question:  In what ways are we dependent upon the sun?
	 Answer:  We can always depend on the sun for sunburns and tidal waves.ª
	 

Frankly, Ah thnk the skool sistum is beter than when Ah went ta skul.  Subjeks
shur sownd more beter!
----------------------------------------------------

There was a jewelry store in the mall where I worked several years
ago.  One day a man walked in to the store and began looking at some
expensive watches.

He picked out a watch worth about $900 and asked to see it.  The clerk
handed it to him.  The man said he would like to apply for credit to
buy it.

So, after filling out the credit forms, along with checking whatever proper 
I.D. is needed for such credit, the clerk took the form into the back room
to process the application.

About this time, the man decided that he would like to have the watch for
free, and ran out of the store with it.

The police picked him up shortly thereafter at his home, which he had 
conveniently listed on his application form.

----------------------------------------------------

   A couple of years ago I was working a part-time summer job at a glass
   shop.  We fixed windows and sold glass cut to specifications.  

   One day, a lady entered the store (basic common American housewife type)
   she told me she wanted a piece of single-strength glass 12" by 24". I
   remember her drawing, with her index fingers, an imaginary prototype...   

     12"
   +----+          
   !    !
   !    ! 24"   <--------- 
   !    !
   !    !
   +----+ 

   I went back into the shop and cut her the piece she wanted (12"x24").    
   I returned to the counter, and set the glass on the counter on its
   side... because in that position it was less likely to tip and shatter.

         24"
   +--------------+
   !              !  12"     <---------
   +--------------+
     
  
   "How's that?", I queried.
   The lady became quite flustered...  "Didn't you HEAR me?", she said.
   "I wanted it cut 12 by 24, NOT 24 by 12!"
  
   I rotated the glass 90 degrees for her... again set it down... and
   again questioned "How's that?"

   Needless to say she was rather embarrassed and she paid and left promptly.

----------------------------------------------------

			Doo-Da and the Tree...

	     Doo-Da was the type of fellow who was a logger in the 
	great northwest who liked to take chances with his life.
	He would cut a tree, holler TIMBER!, stand in the path
	of the falling tree and jump out of the way at the last possible
	second. His logging partners kept telling him that one of these
	days, one of those old douglas firs was going to get him. He would
	laugh it off, and kept it up.
	    Well, you guessed it, he got tangled up in his own feet, and
	was squashed flatter than a flitter! All of his logging buddies
	were setting around the camp mourning ol' Doo-Da when one mentioned
	that someone was going to have to go to town an let Doo-Da's wife
	know that he had been killed. No one wanted to deliver the bad news.
	Finally, they talked one feller, kinda dense and slow, into delivering
	the bad news. The feller went to town, knocked on Doo-Da's door,
	and Doo-Da's wife opened the door. The fellow just stood there with
	a long face, and was acting very nervous. Doo-Da's wife ask him
	"Whats wrong, had something happened?" The guy kinda shuffled around,
	then his face brightened, and he broke out into a song and dance:

	(sung to the tune ala camp town races...I think...)

			      woods
	Guess who      in the       to-     Doo-    Doo-      
		  died                 day,     Da,     Da...

----------------------------------------------------

The Department of Motor Vehicles of <xrandom state> is always good
for a laugh (in retrospect)...

In New York some number of years ago, I made an appointment to take my
motorcycle road test. I lived 2 blocks from the DMV in a small town,
north of NYC. The appointment was such that I could show up at any
time on a particular day, stand on line, and take the test.

On the day of the exam I walked my bike over to the site of the course
and waited. The instructor at the front of the line asked me, "Where
is the licensed driver that will take your bike home?". I explained
that I lived within walking distance. The instructor told me that it
was DMV policy that a licensed motorcyclist must accompany ALL
applicants to drive the bike home. Some fruitless argument resulted in
my leaving the line in a pretty bad mood.

As I was leaving I noticed that another would-be biker was waiting on
line for his test, accompanied by someone. I explained my situation
and they agreed to wait around for my exam as well. So I got back onto
the line behind them. Finally, I reached the head of the line again
(the person ahead of me was apparently pleased with the results his
test) only to meet the same instructor.

I: "You'll have to come back another time to take your test."

Me: "Why? I'm with a licensed driver. I did exactly what you told
me to do."

I: "But you're not allowed to talk to other people on line."


(Every time I tell this story, it seems more ridiculous. I did get to
take my test when this guy got off duty for the day.)

----------------------------------------------------

VANITY PLATE SUMMARY                                                 6/19/88

10SNE1		;tennis, anyone?
14U2C           ;One for you to see ("Sky-Hi" Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1          ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH           ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED          ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U         ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN          ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U          ;RX-7
3NON            ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT          ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE           ;fer shure
55N-UP          ;55mph and up
6 KIDS          ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO           ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8         ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB         ;on a Saab
ALICE		;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB          ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS        ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA         ;Baa Baa 'on a ' Black Jeep
BCNU2           ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN          ;Beaching!
BESIDES         ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND          ;On a 'blue' plymouth 'HORIZON', Beyond the horizon 
BIG BUX         ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE          ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR          ;Bee keeper
BY YALL         ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY         ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF         ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE          ;on a BMW!
CME4DK          ;See me for decay, on a dentist's car.
CRAY Z          ;Crazy
CULATR          ;See you Later,
DAD IOU         ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE         ;Don't smoke
DUTY            ;for a Honda 'Civic Duty'
DUTY            ;for an Audi, 'Audi Duty'
DV-DT           ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD          ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI         ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU         ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ         ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD           ;on a Porsche 911 "Carerra"
FUNHOG          ;seen in Montana
GO4IT           ;Go for it!
GONSNO          ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE         ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL         ;Great Specials
GSNDHT          ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE         ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG		;hi ho silver!
HITECH          ;High Technology
I SK8		;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC         ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY            ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8           ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U         ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD          ;I Be too bad
IBCNU           ;I'll be seeing ya!
ICU812          ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10           ;I'm a 10!
IMATEN          ;I'm a 10!
IMB4U           ;I'm before you! 
IMEZRU          ;I'm a zuru
INYORI          ;In Your Eye...
IOAA            ;(I owe AA)
IONO1           ;I owe no one
IX XIV          ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV          ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM           ;on a small car
LEMON           ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD         ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC           ;on a Corvette
MINE            ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR          ;at least now we know who owns that car...
MY DEBT         ;on a New York car
MYREVNG	        ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI         ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH         ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY          ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS          ;no brakes!
NONE            ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE         ;Funny when on paper  
NOT FAT         ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT         ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS          ;on a red porsche 911  (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2          ;And toto too
OBJET           ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD          ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE          ;on a NH 'Live free or Die' automobile.
OMEGA1          ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH           ;on a Porsche
POORSCH         ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN            ;Racing
RARE            ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS           ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL          ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL         ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8         ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ            ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT         ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2          ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS          ;Are you envious?
STOP            ;Get the message?
STORK1          ;on an Obstetrician's Mercedes
SWTPEA          ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD        ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN         ;on a Toyota
TOFLY           ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY          ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE          ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX         ;on a Woman's 280ZX
UNIXINU         ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME          ;You envy me
UR2LOW          ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12         ;You want one too?
VAN GO		;for a vanpool
VANITY          ;plain and simple 
W8LFTR          ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS         ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ         ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH          ;on a porsche
WHORU           ;Who are you?
XXXXXX          ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY           ;Seen on an Ohio car, the magic word
YOT YM          ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA          ;Zippity doo dah....

----------------------------------------------------

		 Intoxication and Other Near-Death Experiences
				 by Dave Barry

Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place
in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:

Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New Year's Eve,
     1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then
     crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
     fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would
     have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly
     painful headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was
     brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was
     definitely dead.  I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it
     isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try
     to eat any solid foods.

Q -- Why were we put here on Earth?
A -- I would say, just from going through the mail, that we were put here on
     Earth to enter the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.

Q -- Is there life elsewhere in the universe?

A -- Unquestionably.  It is a known scientific fact that life gets steadily
     more intelligent the farther you go in any direction from Waco, Texas.
     This is why the Orient, which is on the opposite side of the Earth from
     Waco, has historically been the source of philosophy and reliable
     electronic products.  It is only logical to conclude that beings in other
     galaxies, some of which are millions of light-years from Waco, would be
     *very* bright.

Q -- What is the gender gap?

A -- Let me first give some background for the benefit of you less-sensitive
     males who have been unable to concern yourselves with women's issues
     because you have been too busy standing on the street corner and making
     little kissing noises.  A while back, President Reagan and his aides were
     flying out to the Western White House to chop wood when they looked out
     the window and noticed this enormous gender gap covering most of Ohio.
     They realized immediately that this gap could prevent the President from
     being re-elected and implementing his policies, assuming he develops some
     policies.  So they appointed Sandra Day O'Connor, an admitted woman, to
     the Supreme Court.

     Then, to improve his image with women even further, he enlisted the help
     of a woman whose objectivity cannot be questioned: his daughter, Maureen.
     Here is what Larry Speakes said in announcing Maureen's new role: "As the
     President's daughter, she has strong credibility".  I am not making this
     up.

Q -- What do you do if you're talking with somebody at a party for a half hour,
     and he remembers your name but you can't remember his name, and another
     person walks up, and you have to introduce them?

A -- First of all, remember that these are the 1980's.  People understand that
     this kind of thing happens all the time, and it's no big deal.  The key
     is to be as open and low-key as possible.  Simply turn to the person
     whose name you don't remember and in a natural way fall on the floor and
     feign a seizure, contriving somehow to hurl your drink into the person's
     face on your way down.  While the other guests are trying to stick things
     down your throat to prevent you from swallowing your tongue, somebody
     will see the person wiping your drink from his eyes, and say, "Are you
     okay, John?" and you'll know the person's name is John something.

Q -- What lies ahead for mankind?
A -- Despite all the prophecies of gloom and doom, I'm optimistic.  I am
     particularly heartened by the willingness of a growing number of everyday
     people on both sides of the Iron Curtain to question the conventional
     "wisdom" of their military and political leaders and demand an end to the
     insane policies that for 30 years have kept both sides on the brink of an
     unthinkable nuclear confrontation.  I believe that within our lifetimes,
     this popular groundswell will bring us -- slowly but inevitably --
     towards the first meaningful reduction in nuclear arms.  Then the Earth
     will be struck by an enormous comet.

*start*
16274 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  5 Sep 88 14:16:47 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.C
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



----------------------------------------------------

 +-----------------------------------+ 
 | MORE PEOPLE DIED AT CHAPPAQUIDIK  |
 | THAN AT 3-MILE ISLAND             |
 +-----------------------------------+

----------------------------------------------------

 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than
 he hates his wife.

----------------------------------------------------

I drove to Las Vegas, parked in front of a casino, put a quarter in the
parking meter, and lost my car.

----------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine is taking a sign language course.  We were sitting around
with some other friends the other night and someone asked her "Why are you
taking sign language?"  My dead-pan answer: "It's a prerequisite for Italian"

----------------------------------------------------

One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked
"What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute
and replied "Spinach!?".

----------------------------------------------------

Remember the good old days where you decided which candidate to vote for
by asking who would do the most good?  Now you ask who will do the least
harm.

----------------------------------------------------

+-----------------------------+
| Horsemilk, SD               |
| Population:     4238        |
| Elevation:      3015        |
| Founded:        1928        |
| Total:          9181        |
+-----------------------------+

----------------------------------------------------

     As Gorbachev came into office, he, as all other Supreme Soviets wanted to
have a commemorative stamp with his mug on it made.  So, he put in an order for
one to the People's Red Stamp factory of Moscow.  The foreman there told him
it will be about 2 weeks before the first batch of stamps is ready to be dis-
tributed.
     A month later, there is still no stamps with Gorbachev's likeness.  So,
he calles the foreman of the factory.  The foreman says "I'm sorry comrade
Gorbachev, but the stamps are not ready yet.  We are having some problems with
the adhesive."
   So, outraged, Comrade Gorbachev visits the stamp factory.  The foreman shows
him the stamps they have made.  So, Gorbachev grabs one, spits on it, slams it 
down on an anvelope, and it sticks perfectly!  The foreman, amazed, mumbles:
"Oh, you spit on THAT side of the stamp..."


     Now that comrade Gorbachev is in office, everyone is happy in the USSR.
Why are they so happy?  Just ask any man of the street and they will tell you
"Today I still have my job, and I am happy.  My wife stood in line for 6 
hours and got some oranges and I am very happy.  Just 10 minutes ago KGB came
to my door and asked if I was comarade Tratinsky, and boy, am I happy I am not
comrade Tratinsky!".


     But one thing that makes life in the USSR bear-able is the fact that
under capitalism man is opressing fellow man, but under communism it is the
other way around.

----------------------------------------------------

A Russian archeaologist was having hard time finding out the exact age of a dummy
he found in an ancient Egyptian tomb.  One day his friend came to visit who
happened to be a top KGB agent, and the archeaologist told him about the problem.

The agent said: Well, let me try, maybe I can help.

The archeaologist was so desperate that he gladly agreed, and the agent brought the
dummy back to the headquarter with him.

Two days later the agent came back and said: the dummy is 4982 years old.

The archeaologist was amazed and asked with disbelief:  How did you find out?

The agent replied:  It was easy, he confessed.

----------------------------------------------------

The scene is a first year Soviet classroom and the students are just getting
settled into their chairs. 

"O.K., students, take your seats. Class is now in session and we will begin
our studies in mathematics." 

"Tell me, Ivan. 'What does two plus two equal?'"

"Three!," declares Ivan.

All of a sudden the teacher whips out his Soviet revolver (the one he uses
to play Russian Roulette with, but now it's fully loaded), takes aim and
"BLAM!" Ivan just made Soviet history.

The teacher scans the room and his eyes settle upon another young student.
"Mikhail, maybe you know." "What does two plus two equal?"

"Five!," shouts Mikhail.

"BLAM!" Only this time, it's right between the eyes.

"Now class, I know at least one of you out there has the answer, and I will
find out who does!"

"Viktor, do you know what two plus two equals?"

"Why, it's Four!," says Viktor with a little hesistation.       

"BLAM!" Once again the sound of the teacher's gun reverberates through out
the classroom as he blows little Viktor away. 

One of the students stands up, shocked by what he's just seen and says with
disbelief, "Hey teach, why did you kill him? I think he had the right answer!"

The teachers eyes bead down on the inquisitive little upstart and he replies:

"BECAUSE HE KNEW TOO MUCH!"   

----------------------------------------------------

A Mafia boss had to replace his accountant.  When the first applicant entered
his office, he was asked:  "How much is 1 + 1?"  When the applicant replied:
 "2," the boss told him he wasn't right for the job.

The second applicant came in and was asked the same question.  The applicant
closed and locked the door, went to the window and closed the blinds, then
turned to the boss and asked:  "How much do you want it to be?"

HE GOT THE JOB!!

----------------------------------------------------

Interviewer:    Congratulations on winning the lottery.

Farmer:         Thank you.

Interviewer:    Do you have any special plans for spending the money?

Farmer:         Not really.  I'm just gonna keep farming 'til it's gone.

----------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Yet Another Stupid Clerk
I think one of the most incredible U.S. geography gaffs is the following:

An former governor of New Mexico got sent an IRS form having to do with the
witholding of interest from foreign nationals if they haven't resided in the
US in the past year.  He ignored it until they actually witheld money, at
which point he started complaining.  I believe he had to get to the under
secretary of the Treasury before they caught on to the fact that New Mexico
was not part of Mexico.  Something about Sen. Pete Domenici (R, N.M. ) being 
the chairman of an IRS oversight committee tipped them off, I think.  

----------------------------------------------------

     Did you hear of the war between Newfoundland and New Brunswick.....
     The newfies were throwing dynamite over to New Brunswick and the
     New Brunswickians were lighting it and throwing back.

----------------------------------------------------

Okay, this happened to me at the drugstore.  I have an item worth under 
$2.00.  The clerk rings it up, and I hand her a twenty.  She goes to make 
change, and sees that she has no fives.  So she says:

"Do you have any fives?"

Now, if I'd had a five, I wouldn't have brandished the twenty, but rather 
than do the polite thing, I looked in my wallet and said:

"GO FISH!"

----------------------------------------------------

	How about the teenager who broke into a neighbor's house,
stole a book of checks, wrote himself a check for $100, and then
cashed it.

----------------------------------------------------

One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:

<person 1>: Gee, I don't get it..

<person 2>: What's wrong?

<p1>: My card wont work.

<p2>: Did anything happen to it?

<p1>: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while
      so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it...
      Now it isn't working at all!

----------------------------------------------------

Once I heard a joke that went like this:
Q:  How do you tell an <ethnic> ladder?
A:  It has "stop" written on the top rung.

Well, it wasn't a week after I heard the joke that a maintenance man came
through the lab with a shiny new OSHA approved ladder.  See if you can
guess what was written on the top step?

----------------------------------------------------

Grace Hopper tells this story on herself.  It seems back in the old days
(WWII and a little later) before assembly language had been invented,
programmers actually coded the "1's" and "0's".  Naturally it wasn't too
long before they figured out the virtues of octal arithmetic.  Admiral
Hopper was having a devil of a time balancing her checkbook.  Some months
she bounced checks as if they'd come straight out of Goodyear, and other
months she'd have a much larger balance than she expected.  Her brother
was a banker.  One day she asked him to help straighten out the mess in
her bank account.  He sat down, went to work with his pencil and paper (no
hand held calculators then).  After a while he said, "Grace, sometimes you
do your arithmetic in octal and other times you do it in decimal."

----------------------------------------------------

Subject: Hardware Question of the Day

A dealer calls in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse 
card.  After I informed this person that jumper information is on page 9 of the
Mouse User's Guide, and gave the proper jumper setting, the dealer said: "Can 
you hold on while I give it a try?"

The telephone clicked against the desk on the other end as the reciever was 
set down.  The following conversation ensued:

(in whispers)

"He's right.  It is on page 9."
"I told you to look in the book."
"I know, I know.  He's still on the line.  You talk to him."
"I didn't call him.  I didn't screw up.  You talk to him."
"Why don't you just hang it up.  Maybe he won't notice."
"Okay."

Cluck.  Click.  Buzz (dial tone).

----------------------------------------------------

As I am sure you all know, you can only deduct 40% of consumer interest with
the IRS these days.  I happen to subscribe to Money Magazine which contains
lots of tips.  Take auto insurance for example.  I carried $250. deductible
and checking with my insurance agent $500. deductible would save me about
$300. in annual premiums.  So I told my agent to go ahead and change it to
$500. deductible.  Fine, the ins co sent me a refund for the annual premium
(prorated) for the deductible.
Then I got a nasty letter from the Credit Union saying that they had to have
$250 deductible.  So I marched off to the Credit Union and after three clerks
and extensive lines, I was told it was "their policy".  :-)  So I said, well,
I can afford $500 just as easy as $250, besides I am saving $300 a year on
the premium.  "We don't care, $250 deductible is our policy".  Then I said,
well, I have more money in credit union shares than I owe on the damn car.
"So what? $250. is our policy."
I said, screw it, give me the pink slip (ownership certificate) and use my
share account to pay the thing off.  "Sorry, the computer is down and we
cannot query for the balance due."  Here is my last credit union statement
showing the balance owed.  "Sorry, we have to get the balance out of the
computer".  But..........since payment on this loan is through payroll
deduction, all you have to do is calculate from the end of the prior month
as only two weeks have passed since the last statement date.  "Sorry, we
still have to get the balance out of the computer."
Screw it.
So I went to another window and inquired as to the balance in my share
account.  Asked and got a check for the total balance minus $5.  Which you
have to leave in to retain you membership in the credit union.  I then
deposited this check in my bank account and filled out a payroll deduction
form cancelling my payroll deduction to the credit union.
When this hit the company IBM Sierra and it talked to the credit union
computer - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!
The credit union manager called me on the phone and told me if I did not
reinstate the payroll deduction they would repossess the car!  (My pretty
BMW boo hoo  :-) )
So I went to the credit union once again with checkbook in hand and stormed
into the Manager's office and demanded the damn pink slip.  I told him that
I was slightly annoyed and that at a recent seminar on communication that
we were taught to remember that "a clerk is a jerk."  He took offense to
that and immediately calculated what the balance of the loan was BY HAND
with a 10-key adding machine without a digital display, an old fashioned
paper tape!  Egads!  Needless to say, I got my pink slip and the devil made
me do it, I bought a green eyeshade for the Credit Union Manager to go with
his old fashioned adding machine.

-----------------------

What you should have done is to withdraw you account balance in CASH. Then
go back to the clerk and offer to pay off your loan in cash. When they
refuse the cash, ask the clerk to put the refusal in writing. The legal
precedent is that if they refuse a full payoff in cash, they have cancelled
their remaining debt.

I know someone who got out of a home mortgage this way, one day when a bank
computer was down.

----------------------------------------------------

The following is an article from the magazine "Utne Reader":

Who would believe that the battle between the gold and the silver standard
in turn-of-century U.S. politics would make a good plot for a children's fantasy book?

 And who would believe that a story as delightful as "The Wizard of Oz" could
also have meaning for adults?
 
  "In These Times" (Feb. 19, 1987) exposes Oz as a parable of populism, the
1890s Midwestern political movement led by William Jennings Bryan.  The populists
challenged Eastern banks and railroads, which they charged with oppressing
farmers and industrial workers.  Bryan felt that farmers were being crucified
on a cross of gold; a switch to silver-backed curency would make money plentiful for all.
  
  Oz author L. Frank Baum was a populist-and also a bit of a fantasizer.
 As editor of a South Dakota newspaper, he advised poor farmers to feed wood
shaving to starving livestock, after fitting the veasts wth special green
glasses so they would think they were eating grass.
  
  After Bryan's 1896 bid for the presidency failed, Baum was moved to write
the first of his long-running Oz series.
  
  The allegory begins with the title: Oz is short for ounce, the measure
for gold.  Dorothy, hailing from the populist stronghold of Kansas, represents
the common person.  The Tin Woodsman is the industrial worker who is rusted
solid, referring to the factories shut down in the 1893 depression.  The
Scarecrow is the farmer who lacks the brains to realize his own political
interests.  And the Cowardly Lion is Bryan himself, with a loud orator's
roar but little else.
  
  After vanquishing the Wicked Witch of the East (the Eastern banker) Dorothy
frees the Munchkins (the little people).  With the witch's silver slippers
(the silver standard), Dorothy starts down the Yellow Brick Road (the gold
standard) to the Emerald City (Washington).  There the group meets the Wizard
(the president), who, like all good politicians, appears as whatever people
wish to see.  When the Wizard is defrocked, the Scarecrow denounces him as
a humbug, which is the core of Baum's message, writes Michael A. Genovese
in the Minneapolis Star Tribune (March 22, 1988)
  
  Dorothy saves the day by dousing the Wicked Witch of the West with water,
evoking the drought that was plaguing Midwestern farms at the time.  The
Wizard flies away in a hot-air balloon, the Scarecrow is left in charge of
Oz, the Tin Woodsman rules the East, and the Cowardly Lion returns to the
forest-Bryan had lost the election.
  
  In the 1939 movie starring Judy Garland, the populist parable lost out
to Hollywood escapism, and Dorothy's silver slippers were inexplicably changed
to ruby.  However, Baum might have applauded the use of black and white film
depicting the grim reality of Kansas farm fortunes and color storck for the
fantasy world of Oz.  And the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" suited well
the populist dream.
  
  *start*
11066 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  5 Sep 88 14:44:28 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.D
From: Cate3
To: Cate3


----------------------------------------------------

Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.

A liberal always has both feet firmly planted in the clouds.

A Democrat is someone who would be a Republican if he had the money.

----------------------------------------------------

Management's biggest problem is all the unemployed people on the payroll.

----------------------------------------------------

At a meeting in an Iron Curtain country, a party member, Comrade Dobrinsky,
got up from his seat and said, "Comrade Leader, I have only three questions
to ask. If we are the greatest industrial nation in the world,  what happened
to our automobiles? If we have the best agriculture in the world, what has
happened to our bread? If we are the finest cattle raisers in the world,
what has happened to our meat?" The party chairman stared at Comrade Dobrinsky
for a moment, then declared, "It is too late to reply to your questions tonight.
I will answer tham at our next meeting." When the meeting opened the following
week, another party member rose and said, "I have just one question. What
happened to Comrade Dobrinsky?"

----------------------------------------------------

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the
fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms
a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.  "However," he pointed out, "in no language can
a double positive form a negative."

A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...."

----------------------------------------------------

And from an experiment in language translations, two computers were
programmed to translate English to Russian and back.  One would translate
an English phrase to Russian, and the other would translate the Russian
back to English.  One result:

Input:  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Output: The vodka is good but the meat is rotten.

Input:  Out of sight, out of mind.
Output: Invisible idiot.

----------------------------------------------------

   I saw a sign by the St. Louis Arch that said

             NO PARKING BEYOND THIS POINT

  The funny part about it was it was it was out in about 3ft. of water

  I don't know about you but I really don't need a sign to tell me
  not to park out beyond three ft. of water. And this was even a
  time that the water was down at its 20yr lowest

----------------------------------------------------

Saw this sign by my house:

		 ¬
		| |
       +-------------------+
       |    NO PARKING     |
       +-------------------+
		| |
       +-------------------+
       | NO DOUBLE PARKING |
       +-------------------+
		| |

Either the people who put up the sign were tired of parkers or they just
decided to let people park and forgot to take down the sign!

----------------------------------------------------

        The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via
Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge.  When it
was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school
that could present the best claim for the honor.  Harvard submitted an
essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding
that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge
named for the institution.  MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge
and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named
for Harvard.

----------------------------------------------------

Re: Interesting facts about Eastern Religions

Which reminds me of the joke of why do Indians hate IBM 3350 disk drives?

Answer:  Too many seeks

----------------------------------------------------

     Up in the north west, every now and then for fun, cowboys will go round
up large herd of moose.  One young man lost his horse, and "borrowed" his
neighbors roan only to find out that a stolen roan gathers no moose.

     A research scientist found out he could make an incrediable strong material
out of cashew nuts.  He built a car out of this ceramic stuff and arranged
to have it tested for safety.  In order to keep it a secret it told the testers
it was made of an alley he had built at home.  After days of running it fifty
miles an hour into brick walls and surviving the scientist finally admited
to potential investers that "Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay."

     A man who lived in Hollywood was working on his garage doors, using
a spanner to get the springs at the right tension, when the star who lived
next door came over.  He was supper mad at having learned his show was canceled.
 The first man gave the star the spanner and said "Just his the ground until
some of the anger leaves."  Ten minutes later all that was left was a star
mangled spanner.

     A city slicker was up in Alaska on his first kayak trip.  After a great
day, the guide showed him how to bring the kayak out of the water, unload
it, and set up camp.  The next day the city slicker found his kayak had small
bits of ice on his.  So he dragged it closer to the fire to be warmed out,
but it caught fire and burned.  Which only goes to prove you cant have your
kayak and heat it too.

     The farmers son had gone of to silicon valley, studied computers, and
become something of an expert in workstation software.  But he found he missed
the farming life, so he bought a farm in Gilory, almost an hour south of
work.  Now he is a typical guru and tiler too.

     A coffin was being moved when it fell on a wagon, and started down the
hill.  One of the morticians started chasing it, as it rolled pass the hospital,
the mortician yelled to one of the men with a black bag, "Doc, quick, give
me something to stop this coffin."

     Poor Fred had growed up in the shadow of his older brother Mort.  Mort
was good at everything.  Fred fell in love with sailing, and after months
at working to learn how to sail found he still wasn't the rigger Mort is.

----------------------------------------------------

Which reminds me of a similar story.  A weekend subdivision in San Jose
with a guy wrenching his car.  After he got done, he put GASOLINE in the
washing machine to get the grease out of his clothes.  After the washer
was through, he tossed them into the dryer - right?  right. BLAM...


Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was
becoming bothersome to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.
And yet another guest went over and inquired, "Well, how are you
feeling these days?"
     "Not too well," said the expectant mother.  "You know, I've
missed seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."

----------------------------------------------------

	My own favorite was Daedalus' proposal to coat the streets with
contact sensitive epoxy.  In New York, for example, most traffic 
congestion is secondary to double-parked cars.  The glue, developed by
the chemists at DREADCO, does not set on moving surfaces, and can
be formulated to set at varying times of continuous contact.  Hence
10-minute glue in no-stopping zones would mean that if one loitered more
than 10 minutes, one's tires would be permanently fastened to the road
surface.  It is ideal that not only does the punishment fit the crime,
but that the punishment is caused by the crime.

----------------------------------------------------

The sentences below are well-known sayings disguised in "elegant" English.
These are posted here solely for your amusement.  Do not send me your 
solutions; I know the answers.

[Shamelessly stolen from The Dell Big Book of Crosswords and Pencil Puzzels]

1. Be admonished that an equine presented as a donation should not be espied 
   orally.

2. An inefficient, excessive amount of speed accelerates the possibility of 
   creating loss.

3. Though numerous are summoned, many less than a majority are ultimately 
   selected.

4. It is impossible to instruct a canine codger in unfamiliar maneuvers.

5. A slender utensil utilized for its dye-depositing qualities is several 
   factors more powerful than the sinuous, sharp-edge, hand-held object 
   employed for purposes of attack and defense.

6. One with little common sense and the barter means possessed thereof are
   assuredly certain to travel in opposing directions in an immediate manner.

----------------------------------------------------

		     LIME IS A GREEN-TASTING ROCK
		     ============================

Take one class of elementary school students, mix it thoroughly with several
pounds of scientific facts, then shake it up with a examination and you have
the perfect formula for instant "youngsterisms" about science.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essasys, exams
and classroom discussion; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders.  They 
illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information 
comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

Question:  What is one horsepower?
Answer:    One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 
500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to 
getting hit.  If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.  When 
planets do it we say they are orbiting.

While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is
really only centrificating.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back 
into a sun in the daytime.

One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.

Question:  In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a
height of 1,000 feet?
Answer:    I have never performed this experiment.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.  There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

Hard mud is called shale.  Soft mud is called gooey.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Find them all means living forever.

There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the centre
of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.

Lime is a green tasting rock.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
oil.

A fossil is a dead bone.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you 
should.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.



*start*
17666 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date: 22 Sep 88 09:45:20 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life  3.E
From: Cate3
To: Cate3




----------------------------------------------------

Heisenberg might have slept here.

----------------------------------------------------

``If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?

				Roger B. Dannenberg

----------------------------------------------------

Some fun signatures (The stuff at the end of an article):


As far as I know, Intel has no official opinion on Green Lantern 
continuity and other such matters... so any opinions expressed are 
simply my own (and they are the correct opinions, I might add).


i know i'm a bad speller, don't waste FlameWidth pointing out old news
intel agrees with this, but not necessarly anything above the line.


[Rick Busdiecker's plan file, Michael.Mauldin@G.GP.CS.CMU.EDU, and Christopher
Garrigues <7thSon@SPAR.SLB.COM>, along with those named above, were each
responsible for bringing this message one step closer to you, but the gruesome
electronic mail details have been suppressed.  Ed]


The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken
into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization.


Should the opinions expressed above be those of someone else besides the
author..  Well.. it ain't my fault.


     "Opinions expressed herein were not mine originally, but
      were forced on me at gunpoint by the Interactive Systems
      Corporation"


Disclaimer:  My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a 
wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical 
purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I 
don't know what I'm doing.
	[my employers certainly have no idea]


Richard Harter, SMDS Inc. [Disclaimers not permitted by company policy.]
			  [I set company policy.]


"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer,
not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."


The opinions in this article are my own, and not those of the voices 
which tell me what to do.


DISCLAIMER: All grammatical and spelling errors are inserted
deliberately to test the software I am developing.  In fact, that is
the only reason I am posting. Yeah, that's the ticket! All my
postings are just test data! Yeah!!


Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the
opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that
have been following him all day.


Disclaimer: The views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any
            accepted standard of logic that the Greeks thought up anyway...


-- Disclaimer: These aren't mere opinions... these are *values*.


My opinions! Do you hear? MINE! Not JPL's.


This is not an official statement of Hewlett-Packard Corp., and does not 
necessarily reflect the views of HP. It is provided completely without warranty
of any kind. Lawyers take 3d10 damage and roll a saving throw vs. ego attack.


Disclaimer: All opinions herein are fictitious, any similarity to real 
opinions, living or dead, is coincidental.  


DISCLAIMER:  My opinion is a poor thing, but mine own.  Any 
similarity to any others' opinion, living or dead, is coincidental.  


The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The dis-
tinction is yours to draw...


The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. Now, who
among us can tell the difference? 			   RSD@sei.cmu.edu


Disclaimer: "The above opinions are those of a large rodent with sharp teeth"


Please note that these are my own private opinions and do not necessarily
reflect the views of Xerox Corporation.  Actually, I cannot tell a lie, they are
not my opinions at all, they are the opinions of the little green men who come
out of the walls at night and stick wires in my head.


Opinions (as above) are like noses: everyone has one, and most smell.


Disclaimer:  Anything not explicitly labelled as fact 
	     is my own opinion.


"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
 -- Philip K. Dick 


"It was unintelligible at any speed we played it." 
	-- A US Government report investigating 
		   possible bad words in "Louie Louie" 


"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill."


"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question....
 ....or is it?"


It brings to mind Alan Gopin's generic comment, 
"It seems to be vague, but is in fact meaningless." 


"Yes, my name is Stewart, and I assure you I can speak,
 And lately I find myself astounded at the sort of company
 you keep.../ One thing further I must mention, of this fact
 I cannot understand/ Is your sensational attention at
 annoying me with your hand."  -- Stewie


                               ...        Any queueing system is prone
to breakage, and mail systems are written to be as paranoid as possible
in an effort to prevent this.  Automated paranoia makes for big programs.


How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?


[Did you ever think about how much your cities actually weigh?


To search for perfection is all very well,
But to look for heaven is to live here in hell.


+-------------------------------+ 
| "VIOLATORS WILL BE TOAD!"	|  
|		Dungeon Police	|
--------------------------------+


   ...Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.


.. I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'M fishing.


"What I do is not so much songs as it is exercises in tonal breath control"


when a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always
declares that it is his duty.  - GB Shaw


"He who hesitates is lunch"


"Computer Science Considerations"-- BYTE 2/86.  An interview with the 
developer of TEX and METAFONT, Donald Knuth: "I was excited that I started 
out trying to apply computer science to typography and wound up applying 
typography to computer science. . ." 


"We could always shoot one of the philosophers." - David Gries


If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.


remember, if you do it yourself, sooner or later you'll need a bigger hammer


"Pass me the Rap Rod, Plate Captain"
"What?"
"Pass me the telephone, waiter.  If you guys were any less hip, 
  your bums would fall off."


"Watch while the queen in one false move turns herself into a pawn"


The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands
and hoping when a rock or a club will do -- McCloctnik the Lucid


 "I am sitting in the smallest room in the house.  I have your letter [review]
 before me.  Soon it will be behind me."  -  Max Reger (1873-1916), a composer 
 whose music is still little known outside of his native Germany.  


I'm growing older but not up...       - Jimmy Buffett


"Therefore the younger a guitar is the less stable it is while the older
a guitar is the more stable it becomes.  This is essentially because it
takes quite a while for a guitar neck to realize that it is no longer
part of a tree."


"They're directly beneath us, Moriarty.  Release the piano!"


"Not looking like Pascal is not a language deficiency!"


At once words appeared on the screen:
  "Hello.  My name is Hank Thoro II.  Please type your name."
  "My whole name?" he typed.
  "Good.  Do you like baseball?  Just type Y for Yes or N for No."
                                --- from "Roderick" by John Sladek


Epigram:
	Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.


Remember Knuth:
"premature optimization is the root of all evil."


When the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro!


Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.


"Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth." -- Socrates
"Tell the Truth and run."--Yugoslav proverb


If you find any *answers* in anything I've said, you've misunderstood me.


"People who are incapable of making decisions are
 the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits."


I love music that sounds like a Conrail locomotive caraeening headlong
into a truckload of Harpsichords.


``There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly''


"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."


If I had had more time, I could have written you a shorter letter.
        -Blaise Pascal


Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure.  


`uncontrolled descents into terrain'


"You got it kid -- the large print giveth and the small print taketh away."


Kaden thought of the old Klingon proverb.  "Fool me once, shame on
you: fool me twice, prepare to die."


these opinions and others like them are widespread in the culture 


I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789
characters.


"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."


"Hi... My name is Hobbes.  I'm the product of a malicious 5-year old's
twisted and destructive imagination.  Would YOU like to be my friend?"


I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use 
than eating soup with a knife.


PEART says: "How can anyone be truly enlightened, when the truth 
is so poorly lit?" 


However paranoid you are, you're probably right. 


inquiring gnomes want to mine!


"Somebody's had too much to think"


"If the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems begin to look like 
nails."  


Always acknowledge a fault.  This will throw those in authority off their 
guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.  
    -- Mark Twain


Don't run faster than your shoes.
    -- Scottish saying


"Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."  


----------------------------------------------------

From Pat Paulsen

"To get to the meat of the matter, I will come right to the point, and
take note of the fact that the heart of the issue in the final
analysis escapes me."

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired
of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country 
of being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired 
of being told that I am."

----------------------------------------------------

From Rich Rosen

Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.

Life is complex.  It has real and imaginary parts.

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day
 to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human
 being can fight and never stop fighting."  - e. e. cummings

Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus.

"If you see this boy", said the ballerina, "do not---I repeat, do not---attempt
 to reason with him." 				Rich Rosen    pyuxd!rlr

----------------------------------------------------

From Steven Wright:

"I have a map of the United States that's actual size."

"I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just 
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."

"A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire 
planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

"One night I stayed up playing poker with a tarot deck. I got a full house 
and four people died."

"I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone."

"I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add."

"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"

"You can't have everything ... where would you put it?"

"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ... 
well, to make a long story short ... "


----------------------------------------------------

Seen on a foreign car...

+------------------------------------------------------+
|       Recalls reduce traffic.  Buy American.         |
+------------------------------------------------------+

----------------------------------------------------

From the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle, September 6, 1988...

COMPLAINT TO 911 LEADS TO ARREST

A Fairport man apparently was upset when sheriff's deputies ripped out a
home-grown marijuana crop, so he called 911 to lodge a complaint.
Instead, he was arrested.
Robert C. Saurini, 43, was charged with first-degree criminal possesion of
marijuana Friday a few days after the call, said sheriff's Sgt. Joseph Marhatta
of the Penfield substation.
Acting on a tip, two deputies went to Saurini's home on Aug. 31, and harvested
about 80 pounds of pot from the yard, Marhatta said.
That evening, someone identifying himself as Saurini called the emergency
communications center. The caller said he wanted to complain to a supervisor
that deputies had taken his marijuana and wanted to get it back, Marhatta said.
A sheriff's supervisor called Saurini and asked him to come in the next day,
but he didn't. Police arrested Saurini on Friday on Lexington Avenue in Rochester,
and he was released on bail.
 
----------------------------------------------------

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and
want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're
with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

----------------------------------------------------

During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and
stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he
looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles
of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five
on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told
the following story:

"When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw
Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he
had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust
him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their
things, she said:
 - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a
taxi.

She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming
absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called
for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye):
 - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine.
 - No, they're TEN!
 - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..."

----------------------------------------------------

Two male mathematiciens are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little
about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a
reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he
will call her over and ask her a question.  All she has to do is answer
one third x cubed.

She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'?  He repeats `one third x cubed'.

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'?  Yes, that's right, he says.  So she agrees,
and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point,
that most people do know something about basic math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first
laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral
of x squared?'.

The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns
back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!

Lynn Marshall, Universite Catholique de Louvain, Belgium

----------------------------------------------------------------

        This morning, one of our users told me of something he'd read
about businesses and UNIX.  It appears that many businesses are buying
UNIX rather than VMS (thereby annoying DEC) because of it's simplicity
in generating reports and other day-to-day business applications.

        He was wondering if we could get this wonderfully simple UNIX, to
replace the complicated and confusing UNIX we currently have.

----------------------------------------------------

One of my favorite stupid tourist stories was way back when, I was running 
a tour bus inbetween Madrid and Malaga with a bunch of American tourists.
Of course, the bus broke down somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and we had
to stay in this little hamlet, populated mostly by yeggs, I swear. Anyway,
one of the ladies (remember tweetie-birds grandma? I swear it was her) 
decided that she absolutly had to get something to eat and, before I could
stop her, grabbed the nearest macho male and, in (almost passable) Spanish,
asked him "Sabes donde estan las grocerias?" (Do you know where the dirty
jokes are?). The man double over in laughter, and I giggled a bit (I had 
heard it before), and explained the word was "verdadures" (greens). She 
immeadiately regretted her words, turned red and, when the man stopped
laughing, said "Me siento mucho." (I am sorry), and topped it off with 
"Estoy tanta embarazada!" (I am so pregnant), which set not only me and him
off, but most of the spanish crowd that had gathered to see what the 
fuss was about.


----------------------------------------------------------------
*start*
16679 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date: 22 Sep 88 10:00:54 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life  3.F
From: Cate3
To: Cate3




----------------------------------------------------

Satan comes down to visit a famous, utterly ruthless Hollywood producer.
Satan says, "Look, I have a business proposition for you.  I can get you
any deal you want, with anybody in the business, on any terms you like."

The producer's eyes light up.  "Hmm. . . and what do you want from me?"

Satan smiles. "Your immortal soul."

The producer sits back and ponders, stroking his goatee. "I don't get it.
Where's the catch?"

----------------------------------------------------

   Question Authority ... and the Authorities will question you.

----------------------------------------------------

A feature is a bug with seniority.

----------------------------------------------------

Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal --
"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear.  Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."

----------------------------------------------------

What do you call poisoned coffee?   - - - Grounds for divorce.

----------------------------------------------------

     did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?
     yeah, he thought it was diet coke.

----------------------------------------------------

  Idiot, n.:                                                                
	A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human      
	affairs has always been dominant and controlling.                    

----------------------------------------------------

     I had lunch with a friend today who got married a month ago.  A friend
had given him a copy of an article with some of the history behind the traditions in weddings.
     For example the "Best Man" comes back from the time when people tended
to marry within their village.  When there were no young women for a young
man, the village would kidnap a female from another village.  The "Best Man"
was the best swordsman, he was there to make sure the wedding happened. 
And likewise the honnymoon was a time when the married couple would go hide
until the wife's relatives had cooled off.

----------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you starve a Newfie?

A. Hide his welfare check under his work boots.

----------------------------------------------------

Minnesota Slogans

1.  I came, I thawed, I transferred....

2.  Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy.

3.  If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski.

4.  Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy.

5.  Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito.

6.  One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.

7.  Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears.

8.  Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world.

9.  Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon.

10.  Land of many cultures - mostly throat.

11.  Where the elite meet sleet.

12.  Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS

13.  Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here.

14.  Minnesota - glove it or leave it.

15.  Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today?

16.  There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: 
     Colder, Older, & Fatter.

17.  Many are cold, but few are frozen.

18.  Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa!

19.  WARNING: You are entering Minnesota,
     Please use an alternate route!

20.  Minnesota: theater of sneezes.

21.  Jack Frost must like Minnesota -
     he spends half his life there.

22.  Land of 10,000 Petersons.

23.  Land of the ski and home of the crazed.

24.  Minnesota - home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp
     (Where the damn river starts!)

25.  10,000 lakes and no sharks!

26.  In Minnesota ducks don't fly, people do!

----------------------------------------------------

"If you aren't a socialist by the time you're 17, you have no heart.  If 
you are still one at 30, you have no head."

----------------------------------------------------

There are three umpires at a baseball game.  One is an engineer, one is
a physicist and one is a mathematician.  There is a close play at home 
plate and all three umpires call the man out.  The manager runs out of the
dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out.
The physicist says "He's out because I calls 'em as I sees 'em"
The engineer says "He's out because I calls 'em as they are"
And the mathemrtician says "He's out because I called him out"

----------------------------------------------------

Good news : I know a good news/bad news joke.

Bad News : I am not going to tell it.

----------------------------------------------------

                GURKHAS - THE MARTIAL RACE

Now that an accord has been signed between the GNLF of
Subhash ( not the go back to India one :-)) Ghising and the
Government of India, it might be appropriate to recollect
an interesting anecdote regarding these doughty warriors.

In World war II, an English reporter who had heard so much
about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just
in front of the enemy lines (Germans).  During the course of
his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being
conducted.  The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind
enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action.  He watched
the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch
the mission and then ask for volunteers.  To his surprise,
only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off.
Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery,
the reporter went back home.  After the war, he happened to
run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why
half the troops had failed to volunteer.  It turned
out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those
who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop.
Hence the low turnout.

----------------------------------------------------

I heard an interesting fact on NPR yesterday .... someone from USA
Today had researched the Pledge of Allegiance, it turns out that
its author was a Socialist (and of course a patriot) and Vice
President of the Christian Socialists (around 1890) at the time.

This of course leaves us in an interesting situation where George
Bush is now promoting a socialist document and Mike Dukakis has
vetoed it .... (of course this is not a comment on socialism but
just a noting of one of life's delicious ironies)

----------------------------------------------------

A student asked one of his professors to write a recommendation.  The
prof didn't think much of him, and tried to politely beg off.  The
student persisted.  Finally, the prof wrote the following
recommendation:  "To the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
felony in my presence."

----------------------------------------------------

The Multinational Employee must have;

1. The precision of an Italian.
2. The generosity of a Dutchman.
3. The humility of a Frenchman.
4. The charm of a German.
5. The linguistic ability of an American.
6. The ready wit of a Scandinavian.
7. The internationalism of an Englishman.
8. The diplomacy of an Israeli.
9. The culture of an Australian.
10. The gaiety of a Swiss.
11. The road manners of a Belgian.
12. The punctuality of a Spaniard.

----------------------------------------------------

I once heard that the great mathematician David Hilbert
was invited to give a talk on any subject he liked
during the early days of air travel.  His subject:

	The Proof of Fermat's Last Theorem

Needless to say, his talk was eagerly anticipated.
The day arrived, the talk was given, and it was brilliant --
but it had nothing at all to do with Fermat's Last Theorem.

After the talk, someone asked Hilbert why he had picked
a title that had nothing to do with the talk.  His answer:
``Oh, that title was just in case the plane crashed.''
 
----------------------------------------------------

( You read it here first, folks.   10 years from now, when this
story resurfaces on bboard, or appears in a ¬Bloom County¬
episode (as happened with the Falklands penguins and the RAF),
you'll be able to say, ``I was near there.'' )

	I have to share this with you.  I swear to you that this story
is true.  It was perpetrated by a friend of a friend of a friend, said
friend having relayed the story to me via email the other day.

	SCENE: The San Diego Zoo, way at the back on Hoof and Horn Mesa,
where they have all the huge enclosures for things like African Goats.
The exact scene, in fact, is the African Goat enclosure, which goes over
the top of the canyon and part way down the other side.  In fact the goats,
at the moment, are all over the top and out of sight.  The only four beings
in sight are Our Hero, a very cruel man, who is looking absentmindedly at
A Rabbit, which is munching unconcernedly toward the front of the enclosure,
and A Grandmother, just arriving with her Grandson.

	The grandmother comes up to the rail and looks into the enclosure,
patently ignoring the sign that says "African Goats".

	Grandmother: "Oh, Jimmy, look at the cute little bunny!"

	Man: (inspired, sidles up to Grandmother): "Lady, that's no
'cute little bunny'!  That thing is the infamous Scottish Killer Rabbit!"

	Grandmother: "What?"

	Man: "You bet.  It's very rare.  There are only three of those
things in captivity: this one, the one in St. Louis, and the one in London."

	Grandmother: (eating it all up ) "You don't say!"

	Man: (warming to his subject) "Absolutely.  Up until about twenty
years ago it was supposed to be mythical.  People disappeared on the moors
all the time, of course, but none were ever captured.  They sent
expedition after expedition out to catch one, but either no one came back,
or one zoologist out of four would return.  Those things are deadly!"

	Grandmother: (looking aghast at the 'cute little bunny') "Oh, DEAR!"

	Now, the fellow thought maybe he'd taken this as far as it could
go.  If he spun it out any more, even this innocent little old lady would
tumble to the truth.  But then something happened which was enough to make
one believe that there is indeed a Higher Power which takes a hand in
mortal affairs: the herd of African Goats came over the top of the hill.

	Man: (inspired)  "Oh, look!  It's feeding time!"

	The grandmother grabbed her grandson and fled before the carnage
could begin.
 
----------------------------------------------------

[ extracted from NL-KR Digest, (8/19/88 21:23:10), Volume 5 Number 10,
  distributed in comp.ai.nlang-know-rep: - ray]


>From: Clay M Bond <bondc@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>

Some excerpts from the _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ (NCTE) which you all
should find amusing:

	A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill
his wellness potential."

	Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

	The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that
rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force
upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure
threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel."  In other words,
if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely
to survive.

	A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.

	At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were fired.

	A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "for-
merly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

	After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during the handling
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
experience.  Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.

	The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with
Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta."  The list of ingredients,
however, includes "cooked noodle product."

	In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi-
antique" rugs.

	The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
ation.


	Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
recognition of the sanctity of human life."

	According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their
"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a "family
farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

	Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."  You
probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

	It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-
logically experienced citizens."

	According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."


----------------------------------------------------

Excerpted/reprinted from Robert Thornton's Lexicon of Intentionally
Ambiguous Recommendations (seen in Changing Times magazine)....


A professor at Lehigh University, Thornton describes his little book
(LIAR for short) as a guide to conveying unfavorable information about
someone, such as a former employee, without having that person 
perceive it as such.  He offers a collection of phrases and sentences
that offer both a negative and positive opinion.  They convey a double
meaning that should satisfy everyone.

According to Thornton, to describe a person who is woefully inept, you
could say: "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever" or "I simply can't say enough good things about him."

Other suggested phrases and their other meaning:

"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of
mine."  I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.

"When this very intelligent young man left our employ, we were quite
hopeful he would go a long way with his skills."  We hoped he'd go as
far away as possible.

"You won't find many people like her." In fact, most people can't
stand being around her.

"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."  He's a most
unpleasant person.

"He will take full advantage of his staff."  He even has one of them
mowing his lawn after work.

"Her input was always critical."  She never had a good word to say.

----------------------------------------------------

This is an old one (Originally by Mouseketeer newsletter)

Apple Computer, Inc. recently sued the Department of
Transportation for stealing the "look and feel" of
their graphical user interface in

                 /\
	 	/  \
               /\\  \
	      /  \o> \
             / \_||   \
            /  / _ \   \
            \ / / /\   /
             \     /  /
              \      /
               \    /
                \  /
                 \/   (deer-crossing)

and other road signs.

The case is settled outside court when the Dept. of Transp. agreed to
change all the signs to

	 A> DEER CROSSING

...........................

A consumer magazine recently rated the Macintosh family
(Plus, SE, but not MacII) UNACCEPTABLE because they
are likely to roll over when operated at high speed.

The Macintosh has its height dimension longer than its
width, and therefore like the Suzuki Samurai, its center
of gravity is too high that the user can lose balance
either when an accelerator board is installed, or
running high-speed software like Turbo Pascal or Lightspeed C.
Apple denied all the charges, claiming that the whole thing
must be a scheme by IBM or Steve Jobs to undermine the company's
business.  Apple shows confidence in its product by raising the
prices of the Macintosh family by as much as 30%.


----------------------------------------------------------------
*start*
18486 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  4 Oct 88 17:51:39 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life  3.G
From: Cate3
To: Cate3


----------------------------------------------------

Any expressed opinion is mine, the company never could control me.

----------------------------------------------------

Remember the old joke about the ship's captain who wrote something
nasty about the first mate in the ship's log book?

To get revenge, the first mate wrote in the log:

	The captain was sober today.

----------------------------------------------------

Los Angeles Times, September 11:

A British Airways 737 landed at the Portuguese island of Porto Santo to refuel
and the pilot had to collect $2,000 in cash from his passengers before the
flight could continue to London, because the ground crew at the airport refused
to accept the pilot's credit card.

----------------------------------------------------

The longest period of time known to man is ETERNITY.

The second longest period of time is the time from when your boss says your
going to get a raise until you actually do.

----------------------------------------------------

California bumper snicker du jour

THE WEATHER IS HERE.  WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL.

----------------------------------------------------

James Whistler, he, whose mother got famous in that rocking chair, flunked
out of West Point for failing a chemistry exam. "Had silicon been a gas,"
he was to say, "I would have been a major general."

----------------------------------------------------

Q:	What to you call a day when every evil, scary, horrible, ghoulish, 	terrfying,
 awful, slimy creature comes out to scare the public?
A:	The Presidential Election.

----------------------------------------------------

The problem, to paraphrase Ayn Rand, is not those who dream, but those
who can >only< dream.

----------------------------------------------------

		DUKAKIS© PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE ACLU AND THE LIBERALS THAT SUPPORT IT,
ONE NATION, WITHOUT GOD,UNDEFENDABLE,WITH HIGH TAXES AND WELFARE FOR ALL.
		
or

 I like it!  It¹s concise, accurate, and requires no ªlip-readingª.  However,
I would touch it up just a bit to make it more closely resemble the cadence
of George¹s pledge:

    I pledge allegiance to the ACLU
    of the People¹s Republic of Massachusetts;
    and to the welfare state for which it stands:
    one nation, without God, undefendable,
    with high taxes, bureaucracy and racial quotas for all.

----------------------------------------------------

Q: How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It will never be known; the Kremlin will not allow the information to
   go out of the country.

Why is a Russian comedian's job easier than an American comedian's ?
.. Because he has a 'captive audience' !

you can't insult somebody in the soviet union by saying their
mother wears combat boots, because, chances are, she does.

Siberian Huskie to Russian Wolfhound: Comrade, tell me please, what
	is Glasnost and Perestroika?
Russian Wolfhound to Siberian Huskie: Glasnost is: the leash is longer
	and you can bark all you want.  
	Perestroika is: they move the food dish farther away.

  Two dogs meet on the Czech-Polish border.  One dog is running from
Czechoslavakia into Poland, the other dog is running from Poland into
Czechoslavakia. 
  Polish dog to Czech dog: What are you running to Poland for?  They
	have no meat!
  Czech dog to Polish dog: True, but at least you can complain about it!

  An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages.
Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.  
  "Thank God," she says.
  A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest
society.  You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
  "Of course you are right," the old woman says.  "Thank Stalin."  She is
silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
  What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
  The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"
  
----------------------------------------------------

     The story is told around the old folks table of an incident which occured
during the revelutionary war about a farm in New York.  The farmer raised
agressive chickens, and most of the neighbor kids wouldn't go near the farm
for the chickens would attack without reason or provacation.
     A British solider had gotten seperated from his company, and was wandering
about the country side at night, when one of these chickens heard the noise.
 The chicken went after the solider, pecking him and clawing him tell the
man was forced to hide in a small shed.  The farmer heard the noise, and
come out to find his was the first chicken to catch a tory.

----------------------------------------------------

     During the civil war there was a very accident prone sailor by the name
of Lou.  Lou was cleaning the deck below when he happened to trip on the
wet floor and drop the lantern which caught fire.  The crew tried for awhile
to put the fire out, but had to abondon the ship when the fire got close
to the gun powder.  The headlines read the next day "Lou Slips, Sinks Ships".

----------------------------------------------------

An elderly woman opened her refrigerator one day and found a little 
bunny rabbit sitting inside.
"What do you think you're doing in my refrigerator?" she demanded.
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" replied the rabbit.
"Yeah; so what?"
"I'm just westing."

----------------------------------------------------

1. An apartment building my wife and I lived in, before our first child,
where, quite literally, of 14 apartments, at least eight were occupied
by couples where the men sat around all day drinking beer.  They NEVER
worked.  One of the more memorable quotes heard through the paper-thin
walls (and no, I wasn't trying to listen -- the walls were THAT thin).

"You aren't pulling your weight around here."

"Yes I am -- I'm trying to get on welfare."

----------------------------------------------------

Last week the local power company had a minor problem and much of
downtown Madison and the UW-Madison campus lost power.  Turns out that
the computer science building got power restored before many of the
other buildings.

When asked why we got our power back so soon, someone claimed that we
have a generator in the basement with a squirrel running on a wheel to
generate it.  To which someone else remarked: "Only one squirrel powers
the whole building???  Must be Canadian."

----------------------------------------------------

HITCH HIKING  (Courtesy of George Carlin)

The next time you're hitch hiking and someone stops to pick you up, tell
them that you don't need a ride today, but that you will need one tomorrow
at the same time and place.

----------------------------

When someone stops to pick you up and says, "Where to".  Tell them,
"First we have to pick up my mother, then take her to the doctor's, then
do the food shopping..."

----------------------------------------------------

Moshe was shocked when his son announced he was going to convert from Judaism to
Christianity.  Distraught, he went to see his friend Herschel.

"Funny you should mention it," said Herschel, "but my son too just told me he was
converting from Judaism to Christianity.  Come, let's go see the rabbi and ask
for advice."

Hurrying to the synagogue, they told the rabbi the problem.

"Funny you should mention it," the clergyman told the men, "but even my son has
announced that he's converting from Judaism to Christianity.  You know, I'll bet
there's something going on here.  We'd best talk to God."

Hastening to the sanctuary, the three men folded their hands, and the rabbi said,
"Lord God, all of our sons have forsaken Judaism for Christianity.  Tell us what
we should do!"

There was a rumbling in the heavens and a voice echoed through the temple.
"Funny you should mention it ..... "

----------------------------------------------------

Q:  Where is medicine first mentioned in the bible?
A:  Where Moses gets his two tablets!

Q:  Where is tennis first mentioned in the bible?
A:  Where Jacob serves in Pharoah's court!

----------------------------------------------------

     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
     "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
     Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
     "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
     Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
     The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
     Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a 
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

----------------------------------------------------

"Lawyer" is just "liar" mispronounced.

----------------------------------------------------

(Reproduced without permission from the Los Angeles Times, 9/22/88)

	  Citibank Visa Gives Credit Where Credit Isn't Due
		by Douglas Frantz, Times Staff Writer

Doris A. Stokes applied for a Visa credit card from Citibank over the telephone
a few weeks ago.  When a Citibank employee asked Stokes if she wanted a second
card for another family member, she replied, "Maybe later."  Her shiny new
Citibank Visa card arrived at Stokes' Los Angeles home this week.  So did one
for Maube Later.  "I brought it down to work, and everybody here was in tears
laughing so hard about it," said Stokes, and administrative assistant at the
Los Angeles Junior Chamber of Commerce.  The response was more subdued at the
New York headquarters of Citibank, the nation's largest bank and the world's
biggest issuer of Visa and MasterCard credit cards.  "Are you serious?" asked
Susan Weeks, a bank spokeswoman in New York, when the incident was described to
her.  Assured that the talk was true, she groaned, "Oh, no."  (rest deleted)

  (Appearing above the article is a large picture of a smiling Doris A.
  Stokes holding a Citibank Visa with the name Maube Later.)

While the story itself is somewhat amusing, I wonder more about the wisdom of
using that particular picture.  In it we can clearly see everything on the
card, including the number (xxx8 140 851 226), except for the first three
digits, which are obscured by Stokes' finger.  This apparently is to keep
someone from using this information for illegal ends.  But wait, if Citibank is
"the world's biggest issuer of Visa ... cards", perhaps I have one laying
around.  Here it is: the bank number (the first four digits) is 4128.  Oops.

----------------------------------------------------

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad
nymphet standing over him.  She says "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
noo, and I am verra hungry!"

She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
helping of haggis.  (A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the
better.)  When he has choked it down, she asks "Would you like something
to drink?"

"Och, aye!  That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much
like a drink!"

She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year
old single-malt Scotch whiskey!  The Scotsman in beginning to think that
he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says "Would you
like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

----------------------------------------------------

From Dave Barry

    You must realize that these campers needed to work off a great deal of
nervous energy caused by eating nothing, breakfast, lunch and dinner, but
Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.  The raccoons always got everything else.  When I
hear scientists claim that, after human beings and game-show contestants,
dolphins are the smartest animals on Earth, I have to wonder what kinds of
designer chemical compounds they (the scientists) have been snorking [sic] up
their noses, because anybody who has ever dealt with raccoons knows they are
far more intelligent than we are.  My campers and I would spend hours rigging
up these elaborate Crafty Old Woodsperson devices whereby you hung your food
between two trees so the raccoons couldn't get it.  The raccoons would watch us
on closed-circuit TV from their underground headquarters, laughing themselves
sick, and as soon as it got dark they'd put on their little black masks and
destroy our devices instantly using advanced laser technology.
    If we ever decide to get serious about space travel, what we need to do is
convince the raccoons somehow that campers have placed food on Jupiter.  The
raccoons will find a way to get it.

----------------------------------------------------

Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer,
and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories.
He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was
his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math
at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium.  One day,
he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive
than usual.  He realized that something drastic would have to be done.

Now this classroom was *very* old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on
to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years.  As 
a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and
this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board.  He
decided to put them to good use.
With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the
front of the room, near one edge of the board.  Then, clearing his throat,
he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails.  He proceeded to 
hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really
on the nail, of course).  Then he went on to give that day's lecture.  He told
us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the
lecture.  He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least
they looked attentive.

At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near 
the blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the 
back of the hall.  When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the 
coathook, and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, 
lining up to go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it.

----------------------------------------------------

HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY
===================================================
By Ross Williams 3 June 1988.

Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more intelligent
than kindergarten students,  the mentality and attention span of  the two groups
are similar. With this  in mind, we introduce a new  concept in Computer Science
education:


COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET
==============================

Narrator:
One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs has a bug.
One of these programs is not like the others,
And if you can't tell which one, you're a mug.

One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs will really teach yer,
One of these programs is not like the others,
Yes, that's not a bug, that's a feature.

----------

Narrator: Hello Oscar, how are you today?

Oscar the Grouch: Go away: I've just found a new garbage collection algorithm.

Narrator: Tell me about it Oscar....

----------

Kermit: This  is Kermit  the Frog reporting  for Sesame  Street news.  Today, we
interview  Professor  Biskit who  works  on  cookie biosearch.  Hello  Professor
Biskit, what have you got there?

Prof: Arcchhh, I am trying to find out iv there is zarch a sing as an infinitely
long  coorkie. Dis  machine vill  produce every  sort of  coorkie possible:  big
cookies, dittle cookies, square cookies, round cookies. The cookies come out dis
hole here.

Kermit: You mean if  you get a really long cookie, it will  come out of the hole
like a sausage?

Prof: Yaaaass, that's right.  Now I vill set de machine going,  and ve can start
vatching de corkies.

GRRRRUNNNCCHHHH CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA...

Prof: Aass here comes one,... CLUNK

Cookie Monster: Cooooookie! Chomp.

Prof: Und another. Dis one eees square: CLUNK.

Kermit: Uh professor...

Prof: Don't bother me now, I'm vatchin coorkies.

Kermit: What if there isn't an infinitely long cookie?

Prof: Then  they vill come out  of dis machine  forever - there are  an infinite
number of possible corkies you know.

Kermit: And what if the machine starts making an infinitely long cookie?

Prof: Thats obvious you frogk, I vill have to vait for it to come out.

Kermit: And how long will that take?

Prof: Forever.

Kermit: So if  there isn't an infinitely  long cookie, you have  to wait forever
and if there is, you have to wait forever  too. How are you going to find out if
there is an infinitely long cookie today?

Prof: Don't interrupt. Here comes a triangular one viff purple spots.

Cookie monster: CRUNCH. GULP.

Prof: My machine!

Kermit: Well, it looks as if the  cookie monster has transcended the question of
whether there is an infinitely long cookie  by eating the cookie machine. A good
thing as the computation was UNCOMPUTABLE.

----------

Narrator: Hello Big Bird. What's all this mess?

Big Bird:  I'm planting a binary  tree. That way, I  can nest in it  and I won't
have to fly South for the winter.

Narrator: How long will it take for the tree to grow tall enough?

Big Bird: If I add branches randomly it will take me log_2(t)/1.386.

Narrator: Tell me why, Big Bird?

...

----------

This program has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.

This has been a production of the Computer Science Television Workshop.
*start*
17164 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date: 17 Oct 88 16:55:59 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.H
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



----------------------------------------------------

A few Stephen Wright quotes:

   "I lost a button hole today."

   "I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking
    his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell
    beating up a child."

   "I met her at Macy's.  She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on
    the escalator."

   "When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard......
    I was an only child........  eventually....."

   "Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
    his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...
    with braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and when he
    walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

   "Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
    If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
    head."

   "Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo...  He got pretty
    good... He could go under a rug..."

    "All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
     synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried
     to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give
     me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in
     the store..."

    "Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...
     every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the
     entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

    "Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em"

    "He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money?
     ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
     in..."

    "I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy
     them again..."
 
    "I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of
     milkmen."

    "One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in
     the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole
     building started up.... So I drove it around....  A policeman stopped
     me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 
     'Right here'...  Then I drove my building onto the middle of a 
     highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the
     hell out of my driveway."

     "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

     "I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why
     haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want...
     my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you
     had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on
     it."

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out...

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
[slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the
floor, then lifts it]...gutter...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

"I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every
once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call......
it was from a woman in France.......she said "Cut it out"......

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?"

"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix.  I
looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
hang around with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in
the desert.  Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it
up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said 'Is this Steven
Wright?'...I said 'Yes...'  The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the
student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your
last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
recieved none of the $17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to
know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to
you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it
he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it you never called
me again."

----------------------------------------------------

From a card:
Two men pictured on the front, involved in a duel, with pistols.  One has
fired, the bullet whistling past the other's head.  The other gent still has 
his unfired weapon poised for a shot.  The caption: "I missed you today...",
and on the inside, "I hope you miss me too."

----------------------------------------------------

   A famous phrase that Ho Chi Minh used to say is "Nothing is more precious
than Independence and Freedom".  Ho left this world in 1969 before he could
accomplish what he said.  Thirteen years after the communist North Vietnam
took over the South, Ho went back from hell to visit the new Vietnam.  He
came to a Poliburo meeting and asked the Party's leader, "What have you guy
accomplished after I've gone?"  The Party's leader replied, "Dear Uncle Ho, we
have accomplished the first word you preached, there is 'Nothing' now".

----------------------------------------------------

	What were the greatest banking transactions mentioned in the Bible?

	1) When Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushs and came out with
	   a little prophet
	
	2) When Moses led the Children of Israel to the Banks of the Jordan

----------------------------------------------------

A few history books tell of Helen of Spud.

She had, of course, a face that launched a thousand chips...

(err, perhaps that should be "lunched?")

----------------------------------------------------

When I bought some new glasses a few months ago, the lady kept on saying
how great the lenses were that I was getting.  She kept on saying,
``You can shoot a bullet right through them.''  I figured you could do
this with most lenses, but I didn't say anything.

----------------------------------------------------

ObJoke: Why are there so many lawyers in Philadelphia, and so many
toxic waste dumps in New Jersey?

New Jersey got to pick first.

----------------------------------------------------

	On a clear disk you can seek forever.

----------------------------------------------------

I saw one in which someone took a "Save the Whales" bumper sticker,
cut out a letter and turned one upside-down to spell:

           "Save the Males"

----------------------------------------------------

Business Week, October 17:

Laura Newman's business is selling information on local real-estate transactions.
 But when she was working out of her home, people calling for information
thought she was a flake.  In the background they'd hear a baby crying or
a TV blaring.  Not very impressive.  She solved the problem by playing a
tape of typical office sounds: clacking typewriters, ringing phones, etc.
 It was so convincing that clients would apologize for calling at a busy time.

----------------------------------------------------

Q : What does a Chinese cook say to his children the first thing
    in the morning?
A : Rice and Shine.

Q : What does a Chinese lumberjack do?
A : Chop sticks.

Q : What is the name of the most favorite T.V. game show in China?
A : Wheel of Fortune Cookies.

Q : What does a Chinese cook do for exercise?
A : He goes to a Wok.

----------------------------------------------------

A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment:
What kind of work do you do? they were asked.
My husband is an engineer and I'm a school-teacher, the wife replied.
Any children? asked a committee member.
Yes, 7 & 8 years old, the wife replied.
Animals? asked another committee member.
Oh no!  They're very well-behaved! 

----------------------------------------------------

Here's the first one:
How come diamonds are a girl's best friend, but a man has to settle for a dog?

----------------------

Life's little mystery:  How can a two pound box of candy make you gain 5 pounds?
	
----------------------

If you have a tendency to brag, just remember:  
     It's not the whistle that pulls the train.

----------------------------------------------------

Seems this American, a Chezkolsavakian, and a Russian are traveling
through Europe on a train. The American is pffing on a cigarrette.
He gets down to the last 1/2 inch or so that tends to really taste
like butt. So he tosses it out the window. The Russian dives for 
the smoke, but misses. He tells the American;

"Stupid American! In Russia we kill for that much tobbacco!"
The American responds, "We have pleanty of tobbacco in America."

So the Russian proceeds to drink on his bottle of Vodka (Wodka) 
untill he gets to the last 1/2 inch or so which is mostly backwash
anyway. He tosses the bottle out the window. The Chezk dives for the
bottle before it leaves the train, but too late. He tells the Russian;

"Stupid Rusian! In Cheskolsavakia we would kill for that much Vodka!"
The Russian responds, "In Russia we have pleanty of Vodka (Wodka)." 

Well alittle time passes and then the Chezk grabs the Russian, bites
his ear clean off, and tosses him out the window. The American dives
for the Russian, but too late. The American totally flabergasted says
to the Chezk;

"Are you CRAZY?!!"
The Chezk responds;
"Don't worry. In Chezkolsavakia we have pleanty of Russians."

----------------------------------------------------

The following were found in a cross stitch book of sayings.  You may have
heard some of these already.

1.	A closed mouth gathers no foot

3.	God created a few perfect heads, the rest he covered with hair

4.	There's no reason for it, its just OUR POLICY

6.	After 40 its patch, patch, patch

7.	If I'd know that I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better
	care of myself

8.	No matter where I go, there I am

----------------------------------------------------------------

        Fumbling The Future
            How Xerox invented, then ignored, the first personal computer

        by Smith and Alexander
        William Morrow and Co.

Starring Bob Taylor, Butler Lampson, Dave Liddle, Gary Starkweather, Jack
Goldman, Peter McColough, John Ellenby, Jerry Elkind, Shelby Carter, ...

Stacey's Bookstore in Palo Alto sold out their first shipment in two days.
     (Palo Alto Reseach Center, Parc, is where Xerox did the research.)

----------------------------------------------------

	The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.
	He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.
	But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are
	given to administer we presently imagine we own.  -- H.G. Wells

----------------------------------------------------

There was a cannibal walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant
opened by a fellow cannibal.  Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu

	Broiled Missionary	$25.00

	Fried Explorer		$35.00

	Baked Politician	$100.00

The customer called the cook over and asked "why such a price difference
for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

----------------------------------------------------

A Dukakis aide walked into the meeting with the poll results from the Quayle-Bentsen
debate and presented Dukakis with the results......

"We got some good news and some bad news sir.  The good news is that Bentsen
won the debate hands down and it looks like 80 percent of those polled would
vote for the democratic ticket."

"well, that's great news!  What could be so bad after hearing news like that?"

"Almost all of that 80 percent said they would shoot you after the election."

----------------------------------------------------

CI caught the end of a Mark Russell repeat last night on PBS.  He was satirizing
the 1980 presidential campaign (you know, the one that featured Jimmy and
Ronny).  Here are two lines which I thought were not only funny, but also
just as valid today as they were in '80 (maybe even moreso). 

"My greatest fear is that...
		 one of the candidates...
					will win."

"One thing I know for sure...
		is that whoever wins...
				he'll be the evil of two lessers."

----------------------------------------------------

Canadian elections: The Rhinoceros Party
Quote from the leader of the Rhinoceros Party.

   "You can't expect to fool some of the people all of the time, or
all of the people some of the time, but if you can fool the majority
of the people at election time, that's time enough!"

----------------------------------------------------

From the space dl...

    In a bizarre experiment designed to  simulate  life  in  space,  the
    Gambian  Air Force welded four men in the cab of a 1957 Chevy pickup
    and left them there for sixteen days.  The WEEKLY WORLD NEWS reports
    that  the  men  were  hospitalized with heatstroke after being freed
    from their  "spacecraft".  General  Dembo  Ceesay,  the  top-ranking
    officer  in  the  Gambian  Air Force (which has yet to buy its first
    plane), defended the tests, saying they "are imperative if we are to
    reap the benefits of interplanetary exploration and trade".

----------------------------------------------------

     The following is regrettably anecdotal and I wish I had more
firsthand info on it; anyway, here goes:

     For one of his tours, Stevie Wonder contracted with Northwest Sound
to build a set of PA speakers of extraordinary capability -- response
nearly flat out to 45 kHz, etc.  A few weeks into the tour, though,
the performances seemed to be souring.  Everybody -- artists, crew,
even the audience -- seemed irritable and impatient.  Indeed, the
performances started out well enough, but an hour or so into the
show the audience became testy and actually were moved to boo during
pauses, for no apparent reason.

     Finally, during one show, one of the sound guys was examining
the audio spectrum analyzer screen, and mistakenly pushed the 20 kHz -
200 kHz range button instead of the 2 kHz - 20 kHz button.  Imagine
his alarm at the sight of a potent 28 kHz component, the product of
all the synthesizers' DAC update clocks.  It was lying just outside
the (ordinarily) high hearing limit of 20 kHz, so it was never noticed
by the sound crew and their instrumentation.  Cause discovered, the
noxious 28 kHz spike was eliminated with an equalizer, and everybody
went home happy but chastened.

     The person who related this story to me suspects that the event
is not widely known, being of large embarrassment and trivial cause.
Is he right?  Has anyone else heard about this?

----------------------------------------------------

Woman charges ex-husband put false statements on reunion survey

St. Paul, MN (AP) - A woman has sued her ex-husband, claiming he filled out
her class reunion questionnaire with deflamatory information, including that
one of her hobbies is "looking for new and wealthier husbands."

In a suit filed in Ramsey County District Court, Sharon K. Silver alleges
that her former husband, Gerald H. Pfeffer of Willernie, received the reunion
questionnaire and sent it back with false allegations.

The responses were published in a reunion publication and seen by 100 former
classmates, according to the suit.

Under the heading "Achievements most proud of," Pfeffer wrote, according
to the suit, "My three divorces and how each time I married into more money
to the point where I am now living on the $400,000 settlement and interest
from my third divorce."

The suit also said Pfeffer wrote that his ex-wife's hobbies were night clubbing,
partying and looking for new and wealthier husbands.

Under the heading "Secret Ambition or Fantasy," the suit claims Pfeffer wrote:
"Seeing if I can't get married as many times as Liz Taylor and gain my riches
through divorces instead of working."

Pfeffer could not be reached for comment on Wednesday.

The reunion committee for Silver's class of 1958 sent out questionnaires
last spring asking for information to be included in a publication for former
classmates, the suit said.

Silver, who now lives in West Virginia, claims the questionnaire fell into
Pfeffer's hands when it was mailed to her old address in Willernie.

She is seeking in excess of $50,000 in damages, claiming a loss of reputation.

[From the San Jose Mercury News, October 7, 1988 edition]


*start*
20811 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date: 20 Oct 88 11:08:51 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life  3.I
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



Alone, adj.:
	In bad company.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own
home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in
that particular field."
 

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.


A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
		-- Steve Wright


Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
		-- Dave Barry


Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
to plug them in.  Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
serious electrical shock.  This proved that lighting was powered by the
same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
penny saved is a penny earned."  Eventually he had to be given a job
running the post office.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"


Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.


Always remember some people are more human.


Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.


Always try to do things in chronological order;
it's less confusing that way.


A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, 
"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
		-- Stephen Crane


A man's home is his hassle.


A man should live forever, or die trying.



A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him invented a
new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the manager
retained his job. 

The manager tries to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer refused
it, saying, "I wrote the program because I thought it was an interesting
concept, and thus I expect no reward." 

The manager upon hearing this remarked, "This programmer, though he holds a
position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an employee. Lets
promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"

But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist so that
I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's
time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."



Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
		-- Charlie McCarthy


A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted


America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 


America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
		-- John O'Hara


American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
employees be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for
employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
between the men's room and the women's room without having little
pictures on the doors.
		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"


America's best buy for a dime is a telephone call to the right person.


Among economists, the real world is often a special case.


Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.


An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
		-- James Michener, "Space"


An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.


An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
		-- David Letterman


An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.


Ancient Chinese Curse:
May all your wishes be granted.


Ancient Chinese Curse:
May you live in interesting times.


Ancient Chinese Curse:
May your life be filled with experiences.


And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.


An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.


An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
		-- A. P. Herbert


A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.


Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.


An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.


An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.


A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
		-- Herbert Prochnow


A closed mouth gathers no foot.


A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.


A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.


A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.


A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
		-- Ben Franklin


Acquaintance, n.:
	A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
	enough to lend to.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Actor:	"I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
	everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford:	"Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"


Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.


A day without sunshine is like night.


A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers
her age.


A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.


A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
		-- Winston Churchill


A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.


A fool must now and then be right by chance.


A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.


A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
		-- G. B. Shaw


A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
		-- D. Gries


A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
		-- Adlai Stevenson


A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.
				--- Emerson 


A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
		-- H. L. Mencken


A high level staff meeting will always make the
big boss feel better.


Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,
'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one
big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the
only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers
		-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic


A hypothetical paradox:
	What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
	team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad
	of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a
	planet?
		-- Tom Galloway


A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.


Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."


Alden's Laws:
	(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
	    of pregnancy.
	(2) Always be backlit.
	(3) Sit down whenever possible.


Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.


Alex Haley was adopted!


Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.)
Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon


A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist


All a biker needs is a tight paceline, a loose groove, 
and a warm place to sprint.


All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.


All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant


All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.


All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
		-- Jane Wagner


All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to
enjoy it. 


All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
		-- Vic Gold


All power corrupts, but we need electricity.


All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers.  Keep supplies of them
handy at all times.


All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
		-- Jim Fiebig


All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players, performers and
portrayers.  Each another's audience outside the gilded cage.
						 -- Rush


All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
		-- Sean O'Casey


All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.


All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.


All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
		-- Francois Fenelon


			Pittsburgh Driver's Test
(8) Pedestrians are

	(a) irrelevant.
	(b) communists.
	(c) a nuisance.
	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.


		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.


		AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.


	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
eating his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality
test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".


	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
	"This is true," He replied.
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
	It was so granted.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
	"If what?"  asked the composer.
	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"


	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."


	An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"


Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.


Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.


Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
		-- Aesop


Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
whole week.


Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
		-- Publilius Syrus


Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"


Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat."
						- R. Heinlein 


Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn


Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
		-- Sydney J. Harris


... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
them is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the
existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
coefficient.  (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
is beyond the scope of this article.)


Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at least once
more.


A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.


A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original
dimensions. -- Oliver Wendall Holmes


A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
		-- George Wald



A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
And he answered:
  It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
  It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
  It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
     upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
     to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
And that is Fate?  said the priest.
Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight was too.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"


A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.



A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.


A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
		-- Steel City News


ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
    FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE


A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects ...


Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"


A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


A rolling stone gathers momentum.


Art is anything you can get away with.
		-- Marshall McLuhan.


Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
		-- Paul Gauguin


Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler


As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?


A soft drink turneth away company.


As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
    --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system.


Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
and dying broke.
		-- Stanley Walker


As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
finding mistakes in my own programs.
		-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949


A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
		-- O'Henry


A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
		-- Daniel Webster


As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."


At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.


Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.


Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
		-- Winston Churchill


At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at
least two human errors, not including the error of blaming it on the computer.


Automobile, n.:
	A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
	pedestrians.


A venerable old Jewish gentleman was day-dreaming while sunning himself on a
bench on the boardwalk at Alantic City.  His reverie was disturbed when another
man approached and asked,"Can I join you?"  "What's the matter, maybe I'm
coming apart??" 


Avoid reality at all costs.


Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but we will
gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 
		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student


Avoid running at all times.
		--- Satchel Paige


A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
		 -- Custodians of Love Canal


A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a
fool can from a mountain top.


A witty saying proves nothing.
		-- Voltaire


A woman's place is in the house.  And the senate.


A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.


A young man wrote to Mozrat and said:
   Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
       suggestions as to how to get started."
   A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
       some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
   Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
   A: "But I never asked anybody how."


Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.


Baruch's Observation:
	If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.


Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
		-- Will Rogers


Be alert, we need all the lerts we can get.


Before I got married I had six theories 
about bringing up children; now I have
six children and no theories.
			Lord Rochester


Being a frog isn't as bad as it seems.  
Whenever anything bugs them, they eat it.


Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence
		-- Time Bandits


Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.


Be self-reliant and your success is assured.


Best to leave town until this blows over.


Better luck next time.


     Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
     It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.
     It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
		-- The Realist, November, 1964.





*start*
19458 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date: 24 Oct 88 11:36:37 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.J
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. - Thoreau


Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.


Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
drip under pressure.


Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"


Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division.


Bipolar, adj.:
   Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York


Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.


Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.


Blore's Razor:
	Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.


Bore, n.:
	A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
		-- Walter Winchell


Bore, n.:
	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
		-- James Thurber


Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
		-- Kin Hubbard


Bradley's Bromide:
	If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
	committee -- that will do them in.


Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
	When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
	easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
	Ranger have handled this?"


Brooke's Law:
	Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
	discovers something which either abolishes the system or
	expands it beyond recognition.


Brook's Law:
	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later


Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.


BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit."
GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
		-- Jay Ward


Bumper sticker:
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture


Bureaucrat, n.:
	A person who cuts red tape sideways.
		-- J. McCabe


Bureaucrat, n.:
	A politician who has tenure.


Bureauocrat's Principle:
Delay is the safest form of denial.


Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
	(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
	    sawhorse.
	(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
	(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
	    perfectly balanced.
	(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
		-- Robert Burns


But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.


But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric
company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a
day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine
their electricity closely. 

 
By definition, when you are investigating the unknown, you do not know what you
will find or even when you have found it. 


By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.


By following the good, you learn to be good.


By the time (the Leaning Tower of Pisa) was 10% built, everyone knew it 
would be a total disaster. But the investment was so big they felt compelled to
go on. Since its completion, it cost a fortune to maintain and is still in
danger of collapsing. There are no plans to replace it, since it was never
needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet software
which is analogous to the above. -- Ken Iverson


By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss
and work twelve hours a day. 


California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
		-- Fred Allen


California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
		-- Ronald Reagan


Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb


Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
	It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.


Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
		-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post


Captain Penny's Law:
	You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
	the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.


Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long.


Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.


Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.


Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
		-- Kelvin Throop III


Celibacy is not hereditary.


Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Character Density, n.:
	The number of very weird people in the office.


Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.


Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.


Chicago, n.:
	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!


Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
	Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
	headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
		-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81


Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
	for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver
	will cheerfully baste you.
		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82


Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.


Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.


Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
difficult and not tried.
		-- G. K. Chesterton


Christian, n.:
	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
	book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
	One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are
	not inconsistent with a life of sin.


Churchill's Commentary on Man:
	Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
	time he will pick himself up and continue on.


Cigarette, n.:
	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
	between.


Clarke's law: The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going
beyond them into the impossible.


Cleanliness is next to impossible.


Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day.


Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.


Coincidence, n.: 
	You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was going on.


Cold, adj.:
   When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.


Committee Rules:
	(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
	(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
	    stamps you as being wise.
	(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
	    others.
	(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
	(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
	    popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.


Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.


Commoner's second law of ecology:
Nothing ever goes away.  


Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
		-- Clive James


Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
		-- Josh Billings


Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation.


Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.


Confucius say too much. - Recent Chinese Proverb


Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
		-- H. L. Mencken


Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.


Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
		-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]


Conservative, n.:
	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
		-- Leo C. Rosten


Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.


Conversation, n.:
	A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
	is called the listener.


Corrupt, adj.:
	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.


Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job
is to enforce the law and fight crime.
		-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan


Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
		-- Wernher von Braun


Creditors have much better memories than debtors.


Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
		-- A. E. Newman


Croll's Query:
	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?


Dare to give true advice with all frankness.  - Cicero


Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.


Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better 
than we deserve.
		-- George Bernard Shaw


Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
		-- Senator Soaper


Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
		-- G. B. Shaw


Democracy is a government where you can say what you think 
even if you don't think.


Democracy is based on the conviction that there are extraordinary possibilities
in ordinary people.
		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick


Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
		-- Jawaharlal Nehru


Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.
		-- E. B. White


Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people 
by the people for the people.
		-- Oscar Wilde


Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.


Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only 
recaptured 116 of them?


Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for
talent is genius.


Do not adjust your brain -- reality is out of adjustment.


Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.


Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
		-- Donald Kaul


Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.


Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
		-- Golda Meir


Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


Don't get even -- get odd!


Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading.  Debug only code.
		-- Dave Storer


Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations 
that can't bear inspection.


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes
you nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain


Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.


Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.


Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.


Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.


Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.


Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- 
tell me where toget more wax!!"


Don't tell me what you dream'd last night--I've been reading Freud.


Don't tread on me.


Don't try to have it all, where would you put it?


Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, 
it starts avoiding you.
		-- The Old Farmer's Almanac


Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
		-- Charles Schultz


Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
you can always take something for it.


Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.


Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?


Don't you wish you were where you were when you were wishing you were here?


Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.


Do the things which you will be proud to remember when you are old.


Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.  
								- Voltaire


Do you have lysdexia?


"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"


Draw your salary before spending it.


Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.


Ducharme's Precept:
	Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.


Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.


Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.


Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith


Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler


Encyclopedia Salesmen:
	Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police
	and tell them your house is being burgled.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"


Entropy isn't what it used to be.


Epperson's law:
	When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
something his wife can beat him at.


Ertz's Observation on Immortality:
Millions long for immortality who do not know what 
to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.


Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
		-- Dykstra


Everybody ought to have a friend.


Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
		-- Frank Moore Colby


Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.


Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.


Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.


Everything bows to success, even grammar.


Everything that grows changes


Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller


Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.


Excellent time to become a missing person.


Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham


Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
		-- John G. Pollard


Expense Accounts, n.:
	Corporate food stamps.


Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.
		-- Poor Richard's Almanac


Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.


Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.


Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields.  But experts
often think so.  The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they are
to think so.


Fairy Tale, n.:
	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.


Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.


Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
		-- Su Tung-p'o


Famous last words:


Famous last words # 3:
   What happens if you touch these two wires tog--


Famous last words # 4:
   We won't need reservations.


Famous last words # 5:
   It's always sunny there this time of the year.


Famous last words # 7:
   They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.


Famous last words # 8:
   "Don't worry, I can handle it."


Famous last words # 9:
   "You and what army?"


Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Feazel's Travel Rule:
Don't go back.  It isn't there anymore.
Exception:  Switzerland


Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...


Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
		-- Earl Wilson


Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.


File:
  What your secretary does to her nails when the computer 
  is doing all of the work


First law of bicycling (Dermott's Ditty):
	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.


First Law of Socio-Genetics:
	Celibacy is not hereditary.


FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....


Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"


For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 
	"It might have been!"


For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.


For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
		-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
		   the U.S.


For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off.
		-- Johnny Carson


*start*
17228 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date: 31 Oct 88 15:17:30 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.K
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



----------------------------------------------------

Stephen Wright quotes:

"The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.  Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his birhtmark til he was
eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.  He was fun
when he was a puppy.  I named him Stay.  When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay
C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF).  He's a lot
smarter than that now.  Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on
typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I
said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that
is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
anything happen?'  He said 'I don't know'.  I said 'I don't want your job'."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?'  I
said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song
on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

"I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done."

"My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant."

"Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops."

"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'"

"I like to paint passing lines on curved roads."

"I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes."

"I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity."

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast."

"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything 
specific."

"I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway."

"I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said 'I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'"

"Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.  My dreams were broadcast
all over the world."

"I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish."

"I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic."

"In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so
I never have to go upstairs."

"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."

"I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were
they mad!"

"I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes..."

"Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?' and I
said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I don't think
so...he's only 2 months old.'  I said, 'I'll wait...'"

"Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time."

Lot's of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow

"I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at
me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.'  I said 'Yeah,
I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.'" ...

... "Then she said, 'How do you feel?'  And I said, 'Well, you know when
you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall
over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how
I feel all the time.'"

----------------------------------------------------

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow,
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

----------------------------------------------------

Why do they name hurricanes after women?

Because if they named them after men,
they'd have to be "himmicanes"!

----------------------------------------------------

	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

----------------------------------------------------

Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy

----------------------------------------------------

	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"

----------------------------------------------------

	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"

	"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
not much good in a fight."

----------------------------------------------------

When Willie retired from the railway after 50 years' service, the
company presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a
memento.

One wet day, his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach,
smoking his pipe, with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the
rain.

"Hullo, Willie," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day
like this?"

"Can ye no' see," replied Willie, with a nod toward the coach.
"They sent me a non-smoker!"

----------------------------------------------------

   Ho Chi Minh, Mao Tse Tung, and Brezhnev took a ride on a helicopter to
tour Vietnam's countryside.  When the chopper flied by a village, the people
rushed out to watch.  In a moment of joy, Brezhnev threw a 20 dollar bill out
of the helicopter.  Turned to the other two, he said, "There will be a very
happy Vietnamese down there."  Saying nothing, Mao counted 20 one dollar bills
and threw them out the chopper.  With a broad smile, he said, "I just made 
twenty more Vietnamese happy."
   Then, Brezhnev and Mao looked at Ho with anticipation.  Ho grined and shook
his head, "You two don't understand a thing about the Vietnamese.  I could 
make 60 million of them happy just by jumping out of this helicopter."

----------------------------------------------------

Do you know how the Grand Canyon was formed ?
   A Scot dropped a penny in a golf hole.

----------------------------------------------------

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the 
waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, 
the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
	"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".

----------------------------------------------------

A famous person [I can't remember who] once said something to this effect:
"A true gentleman is one who can play the bagpipes--and doesn't."

----------------------------------------------------

The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears.
  "My beautiful comb.  I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it
anymore.  What am I going to do?  Now I'll have to buy another one."
  "Well," said his  friend, "you don't need to buy another just
because you lost one tooth on your comb."
  "But you don't understand.  It was the last tooth."


----------------------------------------------------

There are four kinds of people that live in Great Britian.
	First are the Scots,
		Who hold onto their children 
		and anything else they can get their hands on.
	Next are the Welsh,
		Who pray on their knees 
		and on their neighbors.
	Then there are the Irish,
		Who don't know what they want, 
		but they'll fight anyone for it.
	and last are the English,
		Who consider themselves self made men,
		which releves the Almight of any responsibility!
	Willard C. Smith

----------------------------------------------------

In England they tell Irish Jokes in the same vein as we tell Polish Jokes.
In Eire they tell the same type of jokes about the English, and the folks
from county Cork.

In a broad brogue:
D'ye hear about the man who moved fr'm Cork t' London?
Thereb'y raisn' the I/Q in both places.

In England they tell cheap jokes about the Scots, in Scotland they tell
them about Glaswegians (people from Glasgow).

D'ya hear about the horriable food poisin' epidemic in Glasgow? Oh yes
it was awful 350 people fell ill.
They traced it to a bad tin of corned beef. Where else but in Glasgow
could you get 350 sandwiches from a tin of corned beef?

----------------------------------------------------

"Bowling?"
					"You know. Thats where a big black
					 thing knocks down a lot of little
					 white things."
"That sounds like the A-Team to me."

----------------------------------------------------

	The two Presidential Candidates and their Vice Presidents are on a boat
and the boat sinks.   Who are the Survivors???
			THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!!!

----------------------------------------------------

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the Comedy Celebration Day.

Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco.  For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).

These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day: 

Michael McShane
---------------
   I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent
   them two hammers and a toilet seat.

   I'm a Psychic Amnesiac.  I know in advance what I'll forget.


Sue Murphy
----------
   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
   that's how dogs spend their lives.

   My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"

Fred Reuss
----------
   I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
   Great song.

   Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.


Jake Johansen
-------------
   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
   "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.  I replied
   in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
   have to kill you too."


Buzz Belmondo
-------------
   It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian.  But before
   I give myself great pleasure....



Lank and Earl
-------------
   Lank:  Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
   Earl:  (to the crowd) How about a date?
   Lank:  We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
          20,000 women.


Bruce Baum
----------
   I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above
   globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high."


Mark Pitta
----------
   I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car.  When you go into
   a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note.  Actually, the news is
   more difficult.

   I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with
   Simple Minds.  I also rent videos together too.  Last week I rented
   "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."


Mark Guido
----------
   Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
   had towels from my house.

   I play golf even though I hate it.  I'm not done with a game yet.
   I hate those windmills.


Steve Kravitz
-------------
   How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?!  What's the deal on those anyway?
   You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.


Jim Samuels
-----------
   I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.

   This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one.  My mom says I don't
   have to sit at the card table.

   Last Halloween was bad for me.  I got real beat up.  I went to a
   party dressed as a Pinata.

   Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for
   70 mph.


Al Clethen
----------
   In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings.
   They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.'   LA is a real strange
   place.  Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.


Kevin Rooney
------------
   I have one of those real old American built cars.  The kind that
   just PUNCHES through accidents.


John ?????
----------
   You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend
   called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in  the
   bathroom.  "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the
   bathtub with water..."


Michael Prichard
----------------
   I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time
   a woman got pregnant, someone left town.


Authors Unknown, but still funny
-------------------------------
   There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast
   as you can.  It's harder for drunk people to hit you.

   Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest
   people to talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic
   minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the
   women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."

   You're a great crowd.  No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.
----------------------------------------------------

From the Wall Street Journal, October 18--

"Doesn't the New Trade Pact Ban Export of Bad Jokes From Canada?"
		By Alan Freeman

Canadians don't go to the polls until Nov. 21, but the Rhinoceros Party is
already out there making promises.  "None of our candidates will be running
on steroids,"  pledges Charlie Mckenzie, the party's general secretary.

THE MASCOT SUMS IT UP

Founded 25 years ago by the late Jacques Ferron, a Montreal physician and
writer, the party was inspired by the election of a hippopotamus in Sao Paulo,
Brazil, in the 1950s by voters tired of traditional politicians.  "The rhinoceros
is the prototype of the perfect politician," says Mr. McKenzie, a free-lance
journalist when he isn't politician.  "It's stupid, thick-skinned, myopic
and loves to wallow in the mud."

From Party headquarters in a Montreal bar, the Rhinos hope to field a full
herd of 295 candidates across Canada this year. In 1980, the party finished
second--a distant second--in three Montreal area races.  "We cannot fool
all of the people some of the time or even some of the peopple all of the
time, but if we can fool a majority of the people at election time, that's
all the time we need," Mr. McKenzie says.

If elected, the Rhinos promise to finance a Canadian male synchronized swimming
team in the 1992 Olympics and to spend $50 million on reform schools for
politicians.  Funding for th programs would come from a lottery know as 12/98
in which ticket buyers would have to choose 12 correct numbers out of 98
to win.  "Your chances of winning are just about zilch," says Mr. McKenzie.

On U.S.-Canada free trade, the major issue in the Canadian election, Mr.
McKenzie plans talks with Bill Lee, a former Montreal Expos pitcher who's
running for president in the U.S. under the Rhino banner.  Many topics not
covered by the current trade pact, including the fate of Canadian-born pop
singers, are on the table

SENSITIVE TRADE QUESTIONS

"Do Americans keep Paul Anka?  Do we get back Anne Murray?" asks Mr. McKenzie.
 "Bill wants more plaid lumberjack shirts for the American people.  Can we
meet the demand?  Will American beer have Canadian alcohol content?  Do we
get guaranteed access to Disneyland?"  On the sensitive issue of water exports,
the Rhinos propose and allotment of one gallon per American.  "But they'll
have to come here and get it themselves,"  says Mr. McKenzie, convinced that
it will boost Canada's tourist industry.



----------------------------------------------------------------
*start*
22739 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date: 31 Oct 88 15:23:18 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life  3.L
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
	The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
	instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:
	Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
	except study for that instructor's course.


Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
policeman's tie.


Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. -John Diefenbaker


Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.


From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.


Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
		-- H. H. Williams


Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
Faced with the choice between changing one's 
mind and proving that there is no need to do
so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.


G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
that's your chance, my boy."


Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
		-- Elbert Hubbard


Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
	(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
	    direction.
	(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
	(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
	    will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
	    much as to make the task totally impossible.


Ginsberg's Theorem:
	(1) You can't win.
	(2) You can't break even.
	(3) You can't even quit the game.


Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.


Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
		-- Napolean


God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.


God gave us two ears and one mouth. That ought to tell us something.


Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.


Goldenstern's Rules:
	(1) Always hire a rich attorney
	(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.


Gold, n.:
	A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It
	is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
	men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
	although gold hasn't done anything to them.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"


Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
different lies.


Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know
any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
doesn't know much.
		-- Will Rogers


... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.


Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.


Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and
the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 


Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
		-- Redd Foxx


Heavy, adj.:
	Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.


He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
perfectly delightful.
		-- Sydney Smith


Heisenberg may have slept here.


He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.


Heller's Law:
	The first myth of management is that it exists.


Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
		-- Milton Friedman


"Hello," he lied.
		-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent


Help fight continental drift.


Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.


Here be Dragons!
    -- Ancient Map 
       (and the introduction to the chapter on operator overloading
	in C++ by Bjarne Stroustrup)
                             

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.


He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable.


He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.


He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.


He who Laughs, Lasts.


Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
		-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"


His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
money, he went to Southern California.


History is curious stuff
	You'd think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
	They make more of it every year.


Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.


Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
		-- F. M. Hubbard


Honk if you love peace and quiet.


Horngren's Observation:
	Among economists, the real world is often a special case.


Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.


Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
			-- W. C. Fields	


How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."


How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?


HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill.,
motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
bill.  The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
the bill.  Agreed to.
		-- Albuquerque Journal


Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 
responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 
immature.  -Tom Robbins


Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
		-- William Gilbert


Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
	to ..... to ........ uh ..............


I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.


I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.


I am an atheist, thank God!


I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
of pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell
you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
atomic globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something
inconceivable.  I can't help it.  I was born sneering.
		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan


I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!
		-- Paul McCracken


I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
		-- English Professor


I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
		--English Professor, Ohio University


I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
with an option to buy.


I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
		-- Will Rogers


I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
		-- Fred Allen


I could dance till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
		-- Groucho Marx


I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.


I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  
The curtain was up.


Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.


I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
mind like mine to perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the
bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
different.
		-- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)


I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
		-- Isaac Asimov


I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.
		-- Galileo Galilei


I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating
		-- Boss Tweed


I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
		-- Elvis Presley


I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
streets and frighten the horses.
		-- Victor Hugo


I doubt, therefore I might be.


I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
he has succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
		-- George Bernard Shaw


If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
		-- Roy Santoro


If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
		-- Paul White


If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.


If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z.  X is work.  Y
is play.  Z is keep your mouth shut.
		-- Albert Einstein


If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is
certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
		-- Joseph C. Goulden


If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.


If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith


If all the seas were ink,
And all the reeds were pens,
And all the skies were parchment,
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
Of this Government. ' 
From "The Source" by James A Michener


If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
		-- Paul Beatty


If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.


If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.


If at first you don't succeed, give up.   No use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.


If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?


If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?


If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?


If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
plantation and go home.
		-- Eugene P. Gallagher


If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
		-- Isaac Newton


In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
		-- Brian K. Reid


If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
of it.
		-- Thomas Carlyle


If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
		-- Tom Robbins


If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.


If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.


If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.


If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on
vacation.


If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
		-- Norm Schryer


If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread,
they can sure make something out of you.
		-- Muhammad Ali


If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.


If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
		-- Harry S Truman

If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. -- Rush


If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
Carlyle 


If you do not wish to be swallowed by your enemies, make yourself as
indigestible as possible.  -Rousseau 


If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.


If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
		-- Clarence Day


If you don't remember, you had a good time


If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
either of you for the rest of the day.


If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.


If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
		-- Graham Summer


If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
		-- George Burns


If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
but if you really make them think they'll hate you.


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
		-- Mark Twain


If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.


If you're happy, you're successful.


If your parents didn't have sex,
the odds are that you won't either.
	- Kazayasu Makabe


If you smile at someone, they might smile back.


If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
		-- Earl Wilson


If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
		-- Arthur Kasspe


If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
		-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"


If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
even if they don't know what it means.
		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"


If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
titles beginning with the word "National".
		-- George Will


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.


If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.


If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.


I get up each morning, gather my wits.
	Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
	So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.


Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
		-- Pete Seeger


Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage
today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. -- Franklin K. Dane


I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night.
		-- Steven Wright


I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
which would be called `A Live Politician Gets Eaten by a Shark'.


I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me.
		-- Camillo Di Cavour


I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter.
		-- Blaise Pascal


I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.


I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.


I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
		-- Oscar Wilde


I have to convince you, or at least snow you...
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435


I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!


I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
		-- Bill Hoest


I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
the way and let them have it.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower


I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!
		-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire


Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.


Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
		-- Jules de Gaultier


I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.


I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
		-- Spider Robinson


I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?
		-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate


i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
living apart.
		-- e. e. cummings


Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff


I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.


I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is
-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
		-- Arthur Godfrey


I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives


In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.


In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  
Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.


In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.


In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
		-- Frank Mankiewicz


In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
of the risks he takes.
		-- Adlai Stevenson


In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
		-- The Peter Principle


In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.


Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.


Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.  -Jefferson


In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.


In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.


Individualists unite!


Information Center, n.:
	A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
	to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.


In graduate school, no one can hear you scream.


Ingrate, n.:
	A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
	indigestion.


In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.


In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain


Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.


In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
pocket.


In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.


Innovation is hard to schedule.
		-- Dan Fylstra


In NYC, it's easier to get a girlfriend than it is to get an apartment.


In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.


In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos


In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of
concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."


In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.


In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.


In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?


In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the
Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
... There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such
wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain 


In this world, truth can wait; he's used to it.


Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.


In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.


I only know that I do not know, but that is something after all. -- ejb


I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"


I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
		-- Graffito in Los Angeles


Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
		-- Kelvin Throop III


Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?


I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
		-- Shirley Temple


*start*
18409 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  1 Nov 88 20:11:38 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life  3.M
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *only* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."
		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman


It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
		-- Bertrand Russell


It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.


I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.


It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
		-- Alan Perlis


It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.


It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
		   Galaxy"


It is a poor workman who blames his tools.


It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
		-- Rod Serling


It is easier to run down a hill than up one.


It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.


It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"


It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.


It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.


It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.


It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
		-- Woody Allen


It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
damn thing over and over.
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay


It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?


It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
until the other has gone.


It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
		-- Hawkwind


It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.


It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.


It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.


It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply 
to serve as a warning to others.


...I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
		-- Winston Churchill


I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
		-- Woody Allen


It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good too,
to check up once and a while and make sure you haven't lost the things that
money can't buy.
				--- George Horace Lorimer


It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.


It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.


It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
		-- Walt Disney


It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.


It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.


It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
		-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston


It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
		-- Alexander Korda


It's not that I'm afraid to die,
I just don't want to be there when it happens.	-- Woody Allen.


It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
		-- Sydney J. Harris


It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.


It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
Devil when he is the only explanation of it.


It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which
raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
		-- Franklin P. Jones


It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I
couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 


It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The Greeks
never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies.
		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"


It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.


It works better if you plug it in.


It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
two things still safe to eat.
		-- Robert Fuoss


I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.


I've found thats it's not good to talk about your troubles.  Eighty 
percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty 
percent are glad your having trouble.
					--- Tommy LaSorda


I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.


I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
		-- Groucho Marx


I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- 
sometimes on the same day.


Ivensky:  "My grandfather was a pole." Woddy:  "North or South?"


I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
		-- Will Rogers


I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
					-- Mark Twain 


I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay


I wish they all could be California girls.


I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx


Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy".
Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.


Join the march to save individuality!


Jones's First Law:
	Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
	endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
	obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
	importance of their original contribution.


Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85


Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
solutions seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires
one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
winner.  The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts.  Therefore, when the wise
mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
whole truth.
		-- Stephen R. Schwambach


Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.


Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.


Katz' Law:
	Man and nations will act rationally when all other
	possibilities have been exhausted.


Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.


Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.


Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
							--- B. L. Whorf


Last week a cop stopped me in my car.  He asked me if I had a police record.  
I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album.    Cops have no sense of humor.


Laws of Serendipity:
	(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
	    something.
	(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
	    be engaged in making an inferior one.


Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
	approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.


Learn from the mistakes of others.  You don't have time
to make them all yourself.


Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless
the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in
30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."


Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.


Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever
see each other again.


Lewis's Law of Travel:
	The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
	anyone, ever.


Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
		-- Harry Emerson Fosdick


Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.


Life is like an analogy
Life is like a simile.


Life is too important to take seriously.
		-- Corky Siegel


Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.


Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.


Live free or die.


Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.


Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.


Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
before.


Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
interest rates, we don't need it."


Lobster:
	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
only proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to
eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
before they're cooked.  The fact is, lobsters are among the most
ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may even take a swipe
at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into the pot.
Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too.
				-- Dave Barry


Lockwood's Long Shot:
	The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
	one in a million, but once would be enough.


Lonely is one without love.


Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait.
They never meet.


Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.


Loop: a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.


Loose bits sink chips.


Love does not consist in gazing at each other,
but in looking together in the same direction.
			--- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; 
a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
						-Goethe

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
		-- Louise Beal


Luck: when preparation and opportunity meet. -Pierre Trudeau


Lunatic Asylum, n.:
	The place where optimism most flourishes.


Maier's Law:
	If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed	of.
Corollaries:
	(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
	(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
	    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
	    obtain a correspondence with the theory.


Main's Law:
	For every action there is an equal and opposite government
	program.


Make new friends but keep the old ones;  
one is silver and the other's gold.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun


Manual, n.:
	A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a
	given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The
	information you need in in the others.
		-- Ray Simard


Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will
pick himself up and continue.


Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist


Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
	simple yes or no answer.


Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
entirely different.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt


Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
		-- Jules Feiffer


Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?


Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.


Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
nativity scene removed:
	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
	and a virgin in the whole organization."


May you have an interesting life.  - chinese curse.


May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.


May your spouse always know when you need a hug.


Measure twice, cut once.


Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.


Mediocrity finds saftey in standardization.
				--- Frederick Crane


Meeting, n.:
	An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
	department not represented in the room must solve a problem.


MegaHertz: a VERY large car rental company


Men do not stumble over mountains, but over molehills.
Confucious


Mete out justice with mercy.


Micro Credo:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.


Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of
Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 


Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO inconsiderate."
		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"


Miller's Corollary:
	Objects are lost because people look where they aren't
	instead of where they are.


Millihelen, adj:
	The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.


Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.


Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.


Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.


Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker


Misfortune, n.:
	The kind of fortune that never misses.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Miss, n.:
	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
	they are in the market.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Modesty:  
the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.


Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him how
he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.  The
great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.


Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
	it wasn't worth doing.


Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.


Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money may buy love but money cannot buy friendship.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.


Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
	population is growing.


Murphy's Law: Any thing that can go wrong, will.
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Murphy's Law of Research:  Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's saving grace:  The worst is the enemy of the bad.
Murphy's Second Law:  Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Seventh Law:  Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy was an optimist.


My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
		-- Alexandre Dumas


My friend, why have you drifted so far away?
All motion is relative,  maybe it is you who have moved away by standing still.


My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.


My interest is in the future,
 because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.


My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
		-- Groucho Marx


My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him,
like a bank note, for two twenties. 



*start*
18769 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  1 Nov 88 20:15:28 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life  3.N
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



My rule is to be true rather than funny.   -- Bill Cosby


My strength is as the strength of ten because my code is pure.


My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
		-- Christopher Morley


Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.


Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun."  "Why?", he was asked.  "Because at night we need the
light more."


Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
pie.  Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
"Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
the recipe?"


Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the
fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
is most likely to be creamed?
		-- Solomon Short


Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
		-- Abraham Lincoln


Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.


Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is.  How awful to be
caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self.  - Millicent Fenwick


Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.


Never let lack of money interfere with having fun.


Never let your schooling interfere with your education.


Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
		-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"


Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977


Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.


Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.


Never trust anyone who volunteers to assume authority.


Never try to outstubborn a cat.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"


Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.


Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do
		-- R. A. Heinlein


New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.


Newlan's Truism:
	An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
	economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.


NEWS FLASH!!
	Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
	German pole-vault champion.


New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.


Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.


Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.
		-- F. J. Raymond


Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.


No experiment is ever a complete failure, inasmuch as a well-written account of
it can serve admirably as a bad example. 


No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.


No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
CHORUS:
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
	Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
	And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
		(chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
		(chorus)


No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper.
		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch


Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.


Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.


 Now, I know you're probably asking yourself, "Did he fire six shots,
 or just five?"  Well, in all this excitement, I clean forgot myself.
 Now, since this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world,
 and since it can blow your head clean off, the question you have to ask
 yourself is "Do I feel lucky?"  . . . Well, DO ya, punk?
                                    Clint Eastwood
                                    "Dirty Harry"


Now is the time for all good men to come to.
		-- Walt Kelly


Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel


Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
		-- Plato


Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
		-- Lichty & Wagner


Oh, what tangled webs we weave
When we first practice to deceive.
		-- Sir Walter Scott


OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
		-- Dr. Joy


Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
		-- Trotsky


Oliver's Law:
	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does.
		-- Will Rogers


One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
the truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald
announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
a question which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The
captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth
-- the alternative is death by hanging."  "I am going," said Nasrudin,
"to be hanged on that gallows."  "I don't believe you."  "Very well, if
I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."


One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.


One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never
have to stop and answer the phone.


One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.


One of life's little ironies is the fact that when you finally master 
a tough job, you make it look easy


One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at
least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts
are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but
when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
		-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983


One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.


One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
		-- Will Durant


One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy
retail."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"


One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your seat to
another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best way, really.  If
one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted in the aisle, say, the
others on the bus would become disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka


One Page Principle:
	A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
	paper cannot be understood.
		-- Mark Ardis


One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's say your
congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how the
French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when he got to
the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would inflate --
FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door.
It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law.
("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save millions
of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law
requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem is that your potential market is
very small: there are only around 500 members of congress.


One reason why George Washington
Is held in such veneration:
He never blamed his problems
On the former Administration.
		-- George O. Ludcke


One seldom sees a monument to a committee.


One who laughs, lasts.


One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.
		-- Thomas B. Reed


On-line, adj.:
    The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.


On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all 
men are created jerks.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"


Oregon, n.:
	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
	night.


Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
		-- Mike Adams


Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.


Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.


Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries


Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and 
are willing to go through hell to get it.


Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
it's too dark to read.
		-- Groucho Marx


Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!


(Overheard between a UN*X system novice and guru:)
     "What causes a bus error?"
     "Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack."


Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
I can remember things that *have* happened before ...


Ozman's Laws:
     (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
     (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
     (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
     (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.



Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.


Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.


Parkinson's First Law:
     Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
Parkinson's Second Law:
     Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
     The number of people in any working group tends to increase
     regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Law of Committees:  
     The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item 
     is inversely proportional to the cost of the item.
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
     If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
     bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's XIIIth law:
     Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.


Pascal Users:
	To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
	death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.


Passenger:  "When the train stops will you please tell me at which end to get
off?" Conductor:  "It doesn't matter, Mac, both ends stop." 


Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
		-- Eric Hoffer


Peace, n.:
	In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
	periods of fighting.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


Peer's law:
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.  


People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
the future.


People often mistakenly equate existence with need.


People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
		-- Ken Kesey


People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.


People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.
		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"


People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
slept in a room with a single mosquito.


People who dream impossible dreams and strive to achieve them raise man's
stature a fraction of an inch in the process, whether they win or lose.


People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.


People will buy anything that's one to a customer.


People willingly believe what they wish.	-- Julius Caesar


Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
				--- C. N. Parkinson


Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, 
but when there is no longer anything to take away.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Philosopy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.


Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
		-- Don Marquis


Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
couldn't compete successfully with poets.
		-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half Shell"


Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.


Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.


Politicians are the same all over.  
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
	-- Nikita Khrushchev


Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.


Power, n:
	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.


Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
more time for dreaming.
		-- J. P. McEvoy


Pray for a computer crash.  It won't be ready in time.


Predestination was doomed from the start.


President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.


Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by
children. 


Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
Eng.  130 midterm.  Once again no student received a single point on
his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%


Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.


Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five
days when the programmer is in a hurry.


Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
						- Lazarus Long


Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.



Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.


Pushing 40 is exercise enough.


Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.


Putt's Law:
	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
		Those who understand what they do not manage.
		Those who manage what they do not understand.


Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.


Put your trust in those who are worthy.


Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:  One per person.


Q:  How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:  Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
    light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
    plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
    prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
    assassin to break the bulb in the first place.


Quality Control, n.:
	The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
	a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100
	works.


Quigley's Law:
	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
	atttempt to use it.


Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.


Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.


Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.


Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain


Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.


Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.


Reality is just a figment of your imagination.


Really??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!


Real Time, adj.:
  Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.


Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.


Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
program doesn't deliver it.


Real Users never use the Help key.


Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
	If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.


Remember there's an if in the middle of life.


Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
country.  The remainder is thrown out.


Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
		-- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson


Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.


Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
	reject the proposal.


Rule of Defactualization:
	Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.


Rules for driving in New York:
	(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
	(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
	    on.
	(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
	    intersection.


San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
		-- Herb Caen


Schizophrenia beats being alone.


Self-pity is a destructive, useless emotion.


*start*
23679 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  1 Nov 88 20:19:15 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life  3.O
From: Cate3
To: Cate3



Shanahan's Law:
	The length of a meeting rises with the square 
	of the number of people present.


She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.


She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee


She's genuinely bogus.


Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.


Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
	(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
	(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
	(3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to
            light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark
            objects. 


Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned.


Smoking will kill you.  Either stop now or don't ever start.


So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
praise of intelligence.
		-- Bertrand Russell


Someday God will log you out.


Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
		-- Ed Howe


Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982


Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.


Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
		-- Lily Tomlin


Sometimes what a person escapes to is worse than what they escapes from.



 Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
 It's five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
                                           -- Captain James T. Kirk


Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.


Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
		-- Dave Millman


Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.


Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
	number of times you have looked at it.


Spelling is a lossed art.


Spouse, n.:
	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
	wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.


Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.


Stult's Report:
	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
	fight the solutions.


Stupid country song titles #11:
"If you want to keep the beer real cold, put it next to my ex-wife's heart"


Stupid country song titles #12:
"My wife ran off with my best friend, and I miss him"


Stupid, n.:
	Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.


Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
		-- Mark Twain


Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before it is understood.


(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
	To code the impossible code,
	To bring up a virgin machine,
	To pop out of endless recursion,
	To grok what appears on the screen,
	To right the unrightable bug,
	To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
	To mount the unmountable magtape,
	To stop the unstoppable crash!


Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!


Support the right to arm bears.


Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
forgets?


Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:


Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.


Swahili, n.:
	The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.
		-- Johnny Hart


Swap read error.  You lose your mind.


Sweater, n.:
	A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.


Sweer's Impossibility Theorem:
Nothing can be both completely general
and internally consistent at the same time.


Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.


Tact, n.:
	The unsaid part of what you're thinking.


Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.


Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
		-- Kipling


Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"


Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
		-- Euripides


Taxes, n.:
	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
	an extension.


Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone.
		-- Ronald Reagan


Tax reform means: Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.
		-- Russell Long


Telephone, n.:
	An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
		-- Ambrose Bierce


Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
		-- A. E. Housman


Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.


Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.


Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
		-- J. Finnegan, USC.


That which is used develops.
That which is not used wastes away.
		 --- Hippocrates



                   Thus spake the master programmer:

     "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
     be maintained."

     "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but
      you can't make him computer literate."

     "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
     hardware is useless."


The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
		-- Thomas Jefferson


The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
Rock.


The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
		-- T. Lehrer


The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains.
		-- Dave Barry


The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
Declaration not for that, but for future use.
		--  Abraham Lincoln


The attacker must vanquish, the defender need only survive.


The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.


The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because
the average man can see better than he can think.


The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks he is above
average. - Sam Levenson


The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.


The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
		-- W. C. Fields


The best defense against logic is ignorance.


The best prophet of the future is the past.


The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.


"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and
blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds.  There is only
one thing for it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what
wags it.  That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust,
never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never
dream of regretting.  Learning is the only thing for you.  Look what a
lot of things there are to learn."
		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"


The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend.
					--- Lincoln


The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.


The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
		-- Merrick Furst


     The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss
Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
     It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners has been
known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and,
in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two
under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the sight of
people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a
city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking
umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of
activity that frightens the horses on the street ...


The bogosity meter just pegged.


The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
	program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
	one, and convert to the next higher units.


The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
		-- Art Buchwald


The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.


the business plan you prepare must be a lie... But it must be a detailed and
precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.       -Edward M. Bennett


The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
walk carefully.
		-- Russian Proverb


The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise
per foot of run.  A compromise...


The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
		-- Alan Perlis


The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981


The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.


The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.


The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat.
		-- John McNulty


The difference between a moral man and a man of honour is that 
the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked 
and he has not been caught. 


The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
		-- Robert Heinlein


The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.
		-- Travis McGee


The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.


The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow from them


The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
their children to speak it.
		-- G. B. Shaw



The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
		-- Robert Heller


The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair trial, not
a system to let him get off on technicalities.


The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the
center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.


The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature
is to build better mice.


The greatest test of courage on earth is to fear defeat without losing heart.


The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
		-- Albert Einstein


The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.



The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers before
meals.  The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me.  I don't have to - my
dad's a good cook." 


The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.


The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral
crises maintain their neutrality.  - Dante


The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.
		-- P. Medawar


The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
		-- Mark Twain


The idea is to die young as late as possible.
		-- Ashley Montagu


The idea of daylight-savings is like trying to be
taller by cutting off your head and standing on it.


The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
		-- Will Rogers


  The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a
real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
  So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never
pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"


The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to
sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
		-- Anatole France


The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.
		-- Woody Allen


The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
one has ever been.
		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt


The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.


The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
be general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
guaranteed thereby not to be a science.  He would cite as examples
Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
Science, Social Science, and Computer Science.  Discuss the generality
of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power.
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking."


The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.


The more things change, the more they stay insane.


The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right


The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
		-- Andy Warhol


The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to
approach printed matter with distrust. 


The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
	Support your right to bare arms!


The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.


The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from
				-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum


The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
function is to serve as checks upon the state.
		-- Alan Barth


The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.
		-- Ralph Hartley


The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  
Let the reader catch his own breath.
		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart


The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
		-- H. L. Mencken


The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt
the one who is doing it.


The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 
is your husband.


The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.


The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 p.m.


The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
		-- Bohr


The opposite of love isn't hate - it's apathy. 
			- Leo Buscaglia


The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
		-- H. L. Mencken


The Peter Principle:  
People are promoted until they reach their level of incompetence. 


The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish
to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it
is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of
courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own
preferences.  Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper
social function of expressing true distaste.
		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to
		   Excruciatingly Correct Behavior"


The President has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 


The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
Jews!".  Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
		-- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter


The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.  This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers


The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.


The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None
of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
developed cancer.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"


The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 
to erase it.
		-- Glaser and Way


The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.


The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.


The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe 
that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common 
good requires intent.


There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.
		-- Lily Tomlin


The revolution will not be televised.


The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
		-- Emerson


There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
		-- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia


There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
during the trial.
		-- David Letterman


    There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
started debating who should be allowed to stay.
    The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
over the world, the President explained that if he died then America
would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley
said, "Look!  We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair
thing to do is to vote on it."  So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
votes.


There were in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of
the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
8-cent postcard.  The second was responsible for such things as the
transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
satellite.  Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
telephone business?


The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas


The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
		-- Jane Bryant Quinn


The standard German word for committee is 'Ausschuss' which, perhaps by more 
than coincidence, also means 'rubbish'. -R.  V. Jones


The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.


The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity.
		-- Ronald Reagan


The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone.  -Ibsen


The superfluous is very necessary.
		-- Voltaire


The Third Law Of Air Travel:
The number of taxis at an airport is inversely proportional
to the number of flights arriving.


The tools we use have a profound (and devious!) influence on our thinking
habits, and, therefore, on our thinking abilities.
				      -	Edsger Dijkstra


The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
		-- Franklin P. Jones


The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.


The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.


The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.



The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
		-- Peter DeVries


The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it.


the value in traveling the more difficult route is in the sweeter taste of a
victory truly won.


The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering.
		-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"


The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood.
		-- Alexander Haig


The whole world is about three drinks behind.
		-- Humphrey Bogart


The wildest colts make the best horses.
			--- Plutarch 

*start*
24791 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  1 Nov 88 20:22:22 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life  3.P
From: Cate3
To: Cate3




The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.


The Programmers' Cheer --
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!


The Queue Principle:
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood
that you are standing in the wrong line.


There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot
endure to be thought so.


There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.  -Mark Twain


There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They all own cats.


There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend.


There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is
obviously impossible.
				-- Richard Davisson


There are no straight lines in space. -A. Einstein 
There are no straight lines in space. -W. Allen


There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
truth without lying.


There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
			-- Disraeli


There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring
the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many
facts.  Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next
fact; that's science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent
Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
Factor; that's engineering.


There are three ways to get something done:
	(1) Do it yourself.
	(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
	(3) Forbid your kids to do it.


There are two ways of teaching people: 
	You can teach them how to think, 
	or you can teach them what to think.
Socrates taught people how to think, 
Jesus taught people what to think....


The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.
		-- George Bernard Shaw


The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.


There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.


There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
tied during the month of April.


There is a saying among trial lawyers: "Never ask a question unless you are
already SURE of the answer."  For Dungeon Masters/Game Masters that should be
Never roll the dice unless you're sure the outcome is acceptable."  For
computer scientists, it reads: "Unless you know what to do with a error
condition, never test for it."
	- Eric Holtman, info-unix mail


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain


There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, 
if they don't care who gets the credit.
				- Anonymous


There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
abuse it.  So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
war hold him in check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five,
of course.
		-- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.


There is no right way to do something wrong.


There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.  -Goethe


     There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  
The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said to
the prince: 
     "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even half of 
your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, what would 
your decision be, my son?" 
     The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell her that 
the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom that I had
promised." 
     The king knew that his son would be a great king.


There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
	It at last grew so small,
	He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.


There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not a fence.


There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
		-- Dr. Who


There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
		-- Will Rodgers


The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep.
	 - Frost, "The Road not Taken"
[I have since been told this is from:
     Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening]


 The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls  
				-- Simon & Garfunkel


 The words of the profits were written on the studio walls -- Rush


The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.


The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!


They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!


They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like.
			       		-- Avon


They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!


Things are so bad now that the Poles are telling economist jokes.


Things will be bright this evening.  A cop will shine a light in your face.


Think "honk if you're a telepath."


Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click".


This guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for joy.
But Joy sidestepped, and they missed.


This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 
and not enough hunchbacks


This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?


This is the LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!


This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.


This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
great force.
		-- Dorothy Parker


Time was invented so that you don't have to do everything all at once.
Space was invented so you don't have to do everything all in the same
place.


To be great is to be misunderstood.  --- Emerson


Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper,
a cook, a cheering squad and another paycheck.  When a woman 
marries, she gets a boarder.


To err is human; to debug, divine.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.  --- L. Peter Deutsch


To generalize is to be an idiot.
		-- William Blake


To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
men, two of them absent.


To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room 
and break all the mirrors. 


Too clever is dumb.
		-- Ogden Nash


To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.


To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?


Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.


Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)


Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
good.


Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.


TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright


Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
		-- Walt Kelly


Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man
said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."  The
second man said, "He bit it himself."  Nasrudin withdrew to his
chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded
only in falling over and bruising his forehead.  Returning to the
courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
must pay three silver pieces."


Two penguins walk into a bar, which is really stupid, 'cause the second
one should have seen it.


Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.


University, n.:
	Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
	usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you
	how to fix it, and ...


Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense - E.E. Cummings


Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out
twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
		-- H. L. Mencken


I know I'm no special, but any part of town,
someone could smile at me then ... shake my hand then ... gun me down.
				-- Joe Jackson - Night and Day


Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
		-- Doug Larson


Vail's Second Axiom:
	The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
	amount of work already completed.


Van Roy's Law:
	An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.


Veni, Vidi, Visa.


Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."


Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.


"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.


Vote anarchist


Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
		-- Mark Twain


Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"


Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.


War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
		George Orwell, ¬1984¬


Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.
		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83


Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.


Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
		-- John F. Kennedy


Wasting time is an important part of living.


We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling
is that it is not crazy enough. 
		-- Niels Bohr


We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"


We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The
bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
		-- Fidel Castro


We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
		-- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.


We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.


We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
				      -	Edsger Dijkstra


We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
deceased.  My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
		-- James E. Day, Postmaster General


We have met the enemy, and he is us.
		-- Walt Kelly


We have only 2 things to worry about:  That things will never get back
to normal, and that they already have.


We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, but others judge us by
what we have already done.
				--- Longfellow



Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
	And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
	Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
		-- Core Dumped Blues
  

Well now that we have seen each other," said the Unicorn, "if you'll believe
in me, I'll believe in you.  Is that a bargain?" --Lewis Carroll


We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.


We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.


Westheimer's Discovery:
	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
	couple of hours in the library.


Wethern's Law:
	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.


We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
		-- Andy Rooney


What color is a chameleon on a mirror?


What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?


Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!
		-- Mom


What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?


What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"


What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"


What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry Ford?
Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.


What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.


What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.


What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
		-- The Doctor



What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"


"Whatever you do, don't cross the streams."
"Why?"
"It would be bad."
"Wait a minute, I'm a little fuzzy on this whole good/bad issue."
"Imagine life as you know it ending and every molecule in your body exploding
 at the speed of light."
"Okay"
"That's bad."
"Thanks, Egon.  Important safety tip."
			--- Ghost Busters


When a Banker jumps out of a window, 
jump after him -- that's where the money is. 
		-- Robespierre


When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," 
it's the money.
		-- Kim Hubbard


When all other means of communication fail, try words.


When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
think it was a Tuesday.


Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
		-- A. Lincoln


Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
		--Oscar Wilde


Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
		-- Mark Twain


When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)


When in doubt, tell the truth.
		-- Mark Twain


When in doubt, use brute force.
		-- Ken Thompson


When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
		-- Woody Allen


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain


When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
and I find I mind it less and less."
		-- Louise Andrews Kent


When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
		-- Daniel B. Luten


When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical
		-- Jon Carroll


When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
		-- Voltaire


When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"


When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
		-- Donald Douglas


When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary.
		-- Thomas Paine


When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.


When you have spoken the word, it reigns over you.
When it is unspoken, you reign over it.


When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
		-- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war


When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler


When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
		-- The Wall Street Journal


When you reach what you have been striving for, you may find that having is not
such a great thing as wanting.


Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith


Where ignorance is bliss, tis folly to be wise.


Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.


While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.


While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.


While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.


Whistler's Law:
	You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.


Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.


Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?


Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?


Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?


Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough 
to love you knowing nothing?
		-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions


Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, 
but when they are out they are another's.
		 --- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681.


 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
		-- Oscar Wilde


Wiker's Law:
	Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.


Williams and Holland's Law:
	If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
	statistical methods.


Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.


With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.
		-- Otto von Bismark


With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
such thing as progress.
		-- Ransom K. Ferm


Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
						-Dumas


Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
	From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
	in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
	exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"


"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
		-- Lewis Carrol


"Wrong," said Renner.
"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"


Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
Xerox never comes up with anything original.


Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.


You are putting out fire with gasoline.



"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
	"All your papers these days look the same;
Those William's would be better unread --
	Do these facts never fill you with shame?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
	"I wrote wonderful papers galore;
But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
	Made it pointless to think any more."

"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
	And there isn't one language you like;
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
	Have you thought about taking a hike?"

"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
	"Every language looks equally bad;
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
	And don't realize that they've been had."


"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
	And make errors few people could bear;
You complain about everyone's English but yours --
	Do you really think this is quite fair?"

"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
	"But my stature these days is so great
That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
	And to stop me it's now far too late."





"You are old, father William," the young man said,
	"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
	Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
	"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
	Why, I do it again and again."
		-- Lewis Carrol



"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
	For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
	Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
	And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
	Has lasted the rest of my life."
		-- Lewis Carrol



"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
	That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
	What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
	Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
	Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
		-- Lewis Carrol


You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.


"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
"Sure.  Whaddya got?"
	 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"


You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.


You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.


You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
		-- Booker T. Washington


You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.
		-- Lauren Bacall


You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.
		-- Dagwood Bumstead


You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.


You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.


You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict


You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a
taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a
minute and a huff.
		-- Groucho Marx


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.



You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.
		-- Ed Howe


You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.


You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.


You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do.
		-- Olin Miller.


Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.


You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.


You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10­12 to 1.
		-- Ernest Rutherford


You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
		-- Henrick Ibson


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
mayonnaise salesman.


You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You're not paid enough to worry.


YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"



*start*
23175 00071 UU 
@00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
@Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox
Date:  2 Nov 88 18:47:21 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life  3.Q
From: Cate3
To: Cate3


----------------------------------------------------

Steven Wright:

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'

----------------------------------------------------

All those "Union Yes!" commercials being shown on TV were delayed 5 months
because of the writers strike.
 
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"

----------------------------------------------------

	In Russia, it's very hard to get Vodka.  There are very very long
lines.  So one day, these two friends, Ivan and Micheal, are standing in
line for Vodka.  They've been there for four hours.  Ivan just can't stand
it any longer, so he says to Michael, "I'm going to take my gun and go shoot
Gorbachov!"  He's gone for an hour, and when he comes back Michael says,
"Well, did you kill him?"  Ivan replied, "No, that line was even longer!"

----------------------------------------------------

Comrade Popov was taking trips to various cities. From Warsaw
he sent back a postcard: Greeting from Free Warsaw. From Czechoslovakia
on the next trip he wrote: Greeting from Free Prague. He traveled on to
Bulgaria and wrote back: Greetings from Free Sofia; and then to Hungary,
writing a card back: Greetings from Free Budapest. Finally he reached
Vienna and wrote his last card: Greetings from Free Popov.

----------------------------------------------------

"There are three kinds of Jews in Moldavia (Moldavian Republic in USSR):
the Pessimists -- they are learning English,
the Optimists -- they are learning Moldavian (indigenous language), and
the Realists -- those are learning the design and operation of machine guns."

----------------------------------------------------

"I ran three miles today....ahh, finially I said,"Lady, take your purse."
		-Emo Philips, from E=mo  

"If I wasn't here, right now there would be a pile of clothes"
		-Bob Rubin, at the Punchline

----------------------------------------------------

Thomas Jefferson's admonition: "A people who expect to be ignorant and free
expect what never will, and never can, be."

----------------------------------------------------

We had a primary here a few weeks ago.  Herbert Connolly, a candidate
for reelection to the Governor's Council (a largely ceremonial body
dating from the 1600s) lost by one vote, to Robert B. ("No relation")
Kennedy, 14,716 to 14,715.

Now it turns out that Connolly was so busy campainging that he
neglected to go and vote for himself.  Who says your vote doesn't
count?

Well, I thought it was funny.

----------------------------------------------------

This guy and his wife were driving down the road when they passed a dead
bunny lying in the road.  The wife screamed and begged her husband to go
back and help the little bunny.  The husband went up to the bunny and looked
at it and sure enough it wasn't movin' or breathin' or anything.  Sooo--
the husband looks around the roadside for something to help him with the
bunny -- he finds this bottle of clear liquid and he pours the liquid over the bunny.

Sure enough the bunny jumps up and starts hopping around - the bunny hops
a few hops turns around and waves to the husband and wife,  takes a few more
hops - turns around and waves, takes a few more hops - turns around and waves,
takes a few more hops - turns around and waves, and eventually hops off into the woods.

The wife is astounded and asks her husband what was the liquid in the botlle
that he poured all over the bunny.

The husband responds --- "Hair Revitalizer with Permanent Wave"!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person 
loves to spring on you and look at you in a certain self-satisfied
way to indicate that he thinks that you must think he is by far 
the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead,
when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends
up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by
the end of the first day even if they have pleanty of food and water.
			--Dave Barry, "Why humor is funny"

----------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the most difficult thing about learning to play the Bagpipes?
A. It's so hard to tell when you hit a wrong note.

If you die and go to heaven, St. Peter gives you a halo and a harp.
If you die and go to hell, the Devil gives you a pitchfork and a
set of Bagpipes.

----------------------------------------------------

C Code.  C Code Run.  Run, Code, RUN!
   PLEASE!!!!

----------------------------------------------------

Prof. Somebody once taught a class from 2:30pm to 5:30pm. Every time the class
met, all the students would have a lot of food on their desks when the class 
started. During the 5 minutes break, all of them would line a queue at the 
nearby vending machine. He couldn't understand why these students were hungry
all the time, anyway, his calss was just after the lunch time and long before
dinner time.  Prof. Somebody was not happy about this because when they ate,
they make a lot of noise. So he announced one day "No food in the class".
Next class he found the classroom extremely quiet. Guess what, everybody was 
dozing because nothing was keeping them awake.

----------------------------------------------------

::My father told me the story of a physicist who was caught going through
::a red light at an intersection.  When he came before the judge he argued
::that he was going so fast that the red light was blue shifted into green.

:In the version I heard, a student whom the professor had failed the term
:before was in the courtroom.  When the accused made this claim, the student
:protested, claiming that were this true, the professor would have been 
:travelling far in excess of the posted speed limit.
:
:The charge was changed from running the red light to speeding.

ITVIH, the judge then decided to fine the physicist $1 for every
mile per hour he was going over the speed limit of 35 miles per hour.

So the fine was approximately $130 million dollars.

----------------------------------------------------

>From the Associated Press, October 24, 1988:

More than 450 years after Copernicus proved the Earth revolves around
the sun, millions of adult Americans seem to think it is the other way
around, a researcher said yesterday.

"It's a fairly dire situation," said Jon Miller, director of the
Public Opinion Laboratory at Northern Illinois University, who
conducted a nationwide survey for the National Science Foundation.

"The results show that on very basic ideas, vast numbers of Americans
are scientifically illiterate," he said.

In the telephone survey of 2,014 adults 18 or older, conducted in
July, people were asked 75 questions testing their knowledge of basic
science, Miller said.  The survey had a margin of error of plus or
minus 3 percentage points.

Asked whether the Earth goes around the sun or the sun around the
Earth, 21 percent replied incorrectly.  Seven percent said they did
not know.

Of the 72 percent who answered correctly, 45 percent said it takes one
year for the Earth to orbit the sun, 17 percent said one day, 2
percent said one month and 9 percent weren't sure.

The responses indicate that 55 percent of adult Americans, or 94
million people, do not know that the Earth revolves around the sun
once a year, Miller said.

In an election year, in which candidates are talking about issues
such as the Strategic Defense Initiative, acid rain, the greenhouse
effect and the space race, the survey results indicate many Americans
have little idea of what the candidates are talking about, Miller said.

----------------------------------------------------

Actually, my friend J. T. Delaney told me that one night his granddaughter
was watching "The Newlywed Game" and the question arose:

"Now ladies, in *your* neighborhood, does the sun rise in the east, or in the
 west?"

The all answered that the sun rose in the west, except one lady who just *knew*
her husband would answer incorrectly, so she said east!

----------------------------------------------------

-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --

Element:       Computerscientistium
Symbol:        Cs
Discoverer:    Disputed.  Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
	       but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
	       Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
	       below).
Occurrence:    Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
	       extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
	       Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous 
	       deposits of money.
Cost:	       The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
	       expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.

Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
   pressure.  However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
   reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
   to remain useful.

2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
   generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
   proceed.

3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
   substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
   etc.  These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
   difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.

4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
   whiteboards.  These devices seem to act as a buffer when 
   Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
   much of the energy.  

   Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
   to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
   is held.  This will help to keep it stable.

5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
   Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks.  This behaviour
   has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
   take appropriate precautions just in case.

6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
   observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
   producing anything.

7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
   practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
   It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
   (especially the isotope Auditorium)


Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers).  However, it seems that 
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.


Ian.  (yes, I'm a sample of Computerscientistium!)




----------------------------------------------------

NEWARK, N.J. - An abandoned 54 Devine St. bus that was noticed by po-
lice today appears to have been the object of a PLO hijacking sometime
in the late 1970s.  Inside were the badly decomposed bodies (pictures
in the late edition) of 17 passengers, 4 hijackers, 3 dogs, and 2 live
bag ladies.  What drew the attention of the police was a fire started
by one of the bag ladies in her attempt to protest the presidential
candidacy of Barry Goldwater.  Her companion stated that she was a
firm Johnson supporter and obsessed with the idea that right wing ex-
tremists, led by Jerry Falwell - though still a mere lad - would take
over the nation and impose THEIR values on us all.  As an honors grad-
uate of Radclife and a certified Liberal Democrat she felt the need to
speak out in a manner that would capture the imagination of the pub-
lic.  So she set fire to herself.  The fire had burned through six
layers of newspaper and crud before the Newark Fire Dept.  managed to
storm the bus and put her out.  Defiantly waving a single finger at
the cameras and shouting "Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no
vice" she promised to do it again as medical attendants took her away.
When our reporter pointed out that this was 1988 and the election the
poor woman was concerned about was long over her companion said, "She
doesn't give up old ideas easily.  We're Liberal Democrats, you know."

Police then entered the bus and discovered the passengers, the hijack-
ers, and the dogs.  One of the hijackers left a diary of his ordeal,
from which it is possible to piece together the story of what happened
on the bus.  It seems that after boarding the bus at 18th Ave. (with-
out the correct change, which caused a brief altercation with the
driver, who tried to refuse them entrance despite the weapons they
carried) they immediately shot two of the passengers but couldn't get
the rest to notice their presence.  They then proceeded to divert the
bus from its formal route and yelling slogans and scattering leaflets
they shot at passers-by as they went - expecting to get the attention
of the authorities and media coverage.  But to their total amazement,
nothing happened except for some desultory return fire from armed
passers-by and being cut off in traffic by a couple of taxi cabs and a
school bus.  Finally they noticed a Newark Police cruiser in traffic
ahead of them and shot out the rear window which caused the cruiser to
speed up and quickly turn off at the next intersection and pull into a
White Castle, where the two officers went inside and sat at the count-
er and looked the other way as the bus crawled by outside.

The first of many nights they spent under a traffic bridge down at
Port Newark trying to understand what was happening to them and fight-
ing off attacks by organized gangs attempting to jack up the bus and
steal the tires and engine.  The passengers still did not acknowledge
their presence.

Dawn rose on the second day and they were full of hope and revolution-
ary zeal.  The driver kept writing on his trip sheet, which they at
first thought might be an attempt to drop a note out calling for help,
which led to a discussion as to should they look the other way in or-
der to finally get some attention, but it turned out he was only mak-
ing note of his overtime.

As they passed through the streets of Newark again, slowing down from
time to time in the traffic, they noticed people would beat on the
doors and shout curses at them, giving rise to the hope they were dis-
covered and just down the street would be a police roadblock and a
showdown before the cameras.  They finally realized the these people
were trying to get ON the bus and were angry they wouldn't stop and
open the doors.

Soon there arose a supply problem as the food they brought with them
was only meant to last a few hours - a day at most - and then they had
counted on the authorities to supply them and their hostages with ev-
erything.  By now the passengers had noticed them since one of them (a
Mr. Rosenberg) was a tort lawyer and had passed his card around to ev-
eryone and assured them that they could sue the bus driver, the bus
company, the city, the state, the nation and perhaps get something
from God for all their suffering and inconvenience.  And he'd take the
standard cut in such cases.  The hijackers felt they were making prog-
ress since they now could get the passengers to acknowledge they ex-
isted.  They pulled into the parking lot of a Burger King "Busses Wel-
come" and ordered a Mr. Polochck, married to Mrs. Polochck (who sat
beside him) for 32 years to go inside and order 45 hamburgers, 10
Whalers, 27 large fries, 20 cokes, and 14 hot apple pies or they would
blow off Mrs. Polochck's head.  He marched into the store as they held
a gun to Mrs. Polochck's head in plain view and ordered 1 hamburger, 1
large fries and 1 coke, turned and smiled, waved good bye to his wife,
shot a bird at the hijackers and sat down at a table to eat.  Totally
nonplused, the hijackers neglected to shoot a raging Mrs. Polochck and
ordered the driver to move on.

(At this point the diary starts to become incoherent.)

They finally managed to obtain a food supply by letting on passengers,
usually little old ladies, with shopping bags waiting in front of food
marts.

After several days of failing to attract anyone's attention outside
the bus the hijackers decided to give up and go back to training camp
with this new wrinkle in Urban Warfare Against the Oppressor.  Howev-
er, it seems that the passengers, led by Mr. Rosenberg and aided by
the driver who had been promised he would not be sued but could join
their suit, wouldn't LET THEM OFF THE BUS.  Their thinking was, the
longer the ordeal lasted the greater ammount in damages the passengers
could collect.  The hijackers were low in ammunition, at a loss as to
what to do next and throughly cowed by the demands of the passengers
that they continue the hijacking.  After a feeble attempt to debark
the bus, beat back largely by Mrs. Polochck who lived for revenge a-
gainst her husband, the hijackers were disarmed and herded to the back
of the bus.  (They were found in a pathetic pile under the rear seat.)

It is not known for how long the bus actually managed to roam the
streets of Newark or how all on it came to their grim end.  There
seems to have been some kind of falling out among the passengers.
Some had on white arm bands and some had on red.  In any case the bus
came to rest on the side of Rt22 leading out of Newark heading towards
Springfield and was not investigated by the authorities until the
fire.  How the dogs entered the picture is the big mystery!

We asked the Chief of Police how it could be that a bus load of people
could disappear and no one notice.  He said that it was not unusual,
there were any number of buses missing from the public garages and the
records from the late '70s themselves were missing after an attempt to
investigate charges that the Public Transport Dept. was involved in
selling city busses to Long Island fishing industry officials for use
as artificial reefs off shore.  It would seem that none of the pass-
engers, either the original 17 or the little old ladies picked up lat-
er, were ever missed by anyone.  The driver was carried on the books
as being owed over $3 million in back wages, although it cannot be
determined when he went missing as his union brothers kept punching
his time card in and out up until the day of the fire.

Mr. Polochck was unavailable for comment, being on his honeymoon in
Bermuda with his third (teenage) wife.

The PLO has no record of a hijack team missing in Newark, NJ.

However there is a record of a lost dog in 1980 that seems to fit the
remains of one of the three dogs found on the bus.  A man is on his
way to view the remains and we will bring you an interview with him
about this potentially heart warming story if a positive identifica-
tion is made.

AFTER THIS BRIEF COMMERCIAL WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE LATEST ON THE
FATHER WHO ...

----------------------------------------------------


			PRESS ON

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistance.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than 
     unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unreward genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

----------------------------------------------------

			A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

A diamond in the rough,
  is a diamond sure enough
But before it ever sparkled,
  it was made of diamond stuff.

And someone had to find it, 
  or it never would be found,
And someone had to grind it, 
  or it never would be ground.

And when it's found, 
  and when it's ground, 
And when it's burnished bright, 
  that diamond is everlasting, giving off it's light.

----------------------------------------------------

			DO YOU THINK YOU CAN?

If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but think you cann't, 
It's almost a cinch you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you've lost,
For out in the world we find
success begins with a fellow will,
it's all in a state of mind.

If you think you're outclassed, you are
You've got to think high to rise, 
you've got to be sure of yourself,
before you can ever win the prise.

Life's battle don't always go 
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins, 
Is the man who thinks he can.

----------------------------------------------------

                       DESIRE IT

If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,
   work day and night for it, 
   give up your time and your peace of mind for it,
If only desire of it, make you mad enough never to tire of it,
   makes you hold all things tawdy and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it,
   and all you scheme and dream is about it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it, fret for it, plan for it,
   loss all your fear of God or man for it,
If you'll simply go after the thing that you want with all your
   capacity, strength and sagacity, faith hope and 
   confidence stern pertinacity,
If neither cold poverty, famished and gaunt, nor sickness nor 
   pain of body or brain can force you away from the thing
   you want.  If dogged and grim you beseige and beset it.
         You'll get it!!!

----------------------------------------------------

When you get what you want in your struggle for self, 
   and the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
   and see what THAT man has to say,

For it isn't your father or mother or wife,
   whose judgement upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
   is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
   and call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
   if you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
   for he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
   if the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
   and get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be headaches and tears
   if you've cheated the man in the glass.