*start* 15185 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 16 May 89 11:35:05 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 4.I From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- VITAMIN: That's what you say when you have guests in front of the door. BATHING BEAUTY: A girl worth wading for. ERASER: What his teacher said when Picasso drew a naked woman Sign at a music shop: "Gone Chopin, be back in a minuet." ---------------------------------------------------- Weather Likely Front page weather summary from Wednesday's Stanford Daily: "Today - Rain likely. Patchy fog likely. Tempratures likely. Tomorrow - More Rain. More fog. More likely." ---------------------------------------------------- The best new book title that I've seen in a long time is for the new autobiography of Fay Wray. Fay Wray is an actress whose most famous role was the femme fatale in the original King Kong movie. The book is called "On The Other Hand". ---------------------------------------------------- Patient: Doc, how long more have i got to live?? Doctor : Well, if i were u, i would not buy any LPs. ---------------------------------------------------- There was a terrible war in Australia, and one soldier got hurt. He was in shock and in hospital. Suddenly he wokes up, opens his eyes and see doctor.. Patient: Doc, did I came here to die Doctor : Oh no - you came here yesterdie. ---------------------------------------------------- Many a false step is made by standing still. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear the one about the two Canadians who froze to death at a drive-in theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter". ---------------------------------------------------- "Happiness," intoned the philosopoher, "is the pursuit of something, not the catching of it." "Have you ever," a listener wanted to know, "chased the last bus on a rainy night?" ---------------------------------------------------- Two people from the Nothwest Anatolian region met on the street. One had a parrot on his shoulder. The other asked : 'Where did you find this?'. The parrot answered before the other: 'There are a lot of these in the Northwest Anatolian Region!!!'. ---------------------------------------------------- One new mother was commented to another, "If he were to have the second kid, that would be all we would have. ---------------------------------------------------- A computer company and a railroad got up a project together in the early 60s to see if computers could help the railroad keep track of its freight cars. In the course the the project people had occasion to rummage around in a freight yard in Los Angeles. One thing they discovered was a boxcar filled with brand new 10-year-old automobiles. Another discovery was a carload of hides which had been shuttling endlessly between L.A. and Kansas City for a long period of time, during which the hides got pretty ripe! ---------------------------------------------------- Way back when I worked at WWDC AM&FM in Maryland, there was a rumour running around about the District of Columbia's Metro, which was/is one of the first computer monitored/operated suburban transit systems. Seems that the control system software, running on a large CDC mainframe, would periodically cause trains to just sit at stations, and not allow them to move, because the system was convinced that a phantom train was in front of the real train somewhere, and thus that safety rules would be violated. Try as they might, the programmers could never find the bug, or make the phantoms disappear. The solution was to put a massive reset switch by the system's console, which forced the system to go out and query everything to find reality, and allow the system to get running again. ---------------------------------------------------- driving in new york: Question # 13: If one of the tail lights of the car in front of you is blinking it means (a) There is something wrong with the tail lights (b) The driver is new and does not know what he is upto (c) The driver is from out of town (d) The driver is signalling a turn. Correct Answer: (c) - because, in some foreign states tail lights are used to signal turns; they dont do that in new york any more! ---------------------------------------------------- There are three rings to marriage: 1) The engagement ring 2) The Wedding ring 3) The suffering ---------------------------------------------------- Academic Procession ------------------- I'm in favor of a good education but it does have its drawbacks. When I was in grade school, I was told if I wanted to get a good job I had to graduate from high school. So I went to high school. When I was in high school, I was told that to get a good job I had to go to college. So I went to college. When I was just about to graduate, I was told everybody had a bachelor's degree; to get a really good job, I had to get a master's degree. So I got my master's. Then I was told that a master's would take me only so far and I should get a doctorate. So I got my doctorate and went out for a job. I was told they were looking for younger men. --Orben's Current Comedy ---------------------------------------------------- Humorous headlines A Human error, compounded by the rush of getting the newspaper out, has given the world the following actual headlines: DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT --Waterbury (CT) Republican MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE --Toronto Globe and Mail SPLIT REARS IN FARMER MOVEMENT --Denver Post PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER --St. Petersburg Times HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION --Los Angeles Times SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY --Belleview (IL) News-Democrat GORILLAS VOW TO KILL KHOMENI --Munsun (PA) Valley Independent BLIND WOMAN GETS KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS --Alabama Journal SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 13 YEARS IN CHECKOUT LINE AT SUPERMARKET --Arkansas Democrat [These headlines were excerpted from an article by Richard Lederer, from his column "Looking at Language"] ---------------------------------------------------- Recently a disk jockey announced on the air, "And now we are going to hear a recording of Rimski-Korsakov's Bum Of the Flightful Bee." A newscaster declared, "A parade will follow the Governor's Conference. At 2 PM, the cars will leave their headquarters just as soon as the governors are loaded!" Another newsman reported that a policeman in arresting a motorist had found the suspect "under the affluence on incohol." Thomas Fuller once declared, "Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues." Despite careful preparation, video and radio performers and announcers continue to mouth sponteneous bobbles. A TV spieler blundered, "So ladies, we urge you to shave at Cook's.. I mean shake at Cook's. What I really mean is that you can shave at Cook's. Lordy, I mean save at Cook's!" Another TV pitcherman declared, "Summer is here, and with it those lazy days at the beach; and don't forget your _____ sun lotion. ______ is the lotion that lets you burn but never lets you tan. A radio announcer asked the listeners to stay tuned for the "most apprehensive coverage of the news" A newscaster bumbled into the microphone, "This is your 11 o'clock news with an on-the-pot report.. I mean on-the-spot retort. I mean the on-the-tot resort.. oh well, let's just skip it." An equally mixed up newsman reported, "In the head-on collision of the two passanger cars, five people were killed in the crash, two quite seriously. Weather reporters are notorious for the gaffes. One predicted "shattered tunder scours." Another calmly forecase, "Rowdy followed by clain" Still another weather bumbler said the following day's weather would be smoggy with light "ear eyetation." Cases of getting the "hart before the course" results in such commercials as, "Come in at the sign of the clock, where it only takes six months to open a three-minute charge account." Another announcer blooped, "We will have to discuss this proposition with Bill Dale, who is brilliant when it comes to transactions like these. Why he has more brains in his little finger than he has in his whole head!" There is no telling who will make the gaffe, or when. Not long ago an actor reaching for a bell pull announced that he would "give the bull a pill." Anyone pulling such a fluff should continue on as though nothing had happened. Trying to correct a slip frequently seems to compound it. One thespian, for instance, was giving the butler directions on how to set the table. "Place the sporks and foons," he bumbled. Pausing, he tried again, "The porks and sfoons..." The next attempt brought "I mean, of course, the sforks and poons...." he never did make it. At a basketball game in Los Angeles, the sportscaster flubbed, "We will return to the Sports Arena as soon as technical difficulties are resumed." Another on watched a long fly ball soar toward the outfield. "Bob Johnson is backing up for the ball," he told the listeners. "Back...way back... he hits his head against the wall, drops it, picks it up and pegs it home!" Naturally, he was flooded with letters asking how he was getting along without his head. Occasionally an announcer pulls a real lulu without ever realizing it-and through no slip of his own. It happened to one sportscaster a while back when he was giving a blow-by-blow description of a boxing match. About the middle of the bout his station cut him off suddenly to announce the death of the mayor - then cut him back in. Knowing nothing of the interruption, he continued "That sounded like quite a blow, but it doesn't mean a thing, really. No damage done at all." A while back Johnny Logan, former shortstop of the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Milwaukee Braves, attended a testimonial dinner to pay tribute to one of the game's best loved stars, Stan Musial. When Johnny got up to deliver his speech, he cleared his throat and began, "Stan Musical is the greatest immoral in the history of baseball." Several years ago in Los Angeles, sportscaster Bill Brundige asked an old-time reporter on the Yankee baseball beat if he would describe Babe Ruth's immortal 60th homer. For radio audiences everywhere the writer replied, "Gee, Bill, I missed it. I had to go to the men's room." Such momentary mental lapses and forgetfulness are common and comical. In the 1962 California election, for instance, Richard M. Nixon ran for governor agains Pat Brown, the incumbent. Towards the end of the campaign, Nixon lapsed back to 1960, when he ran unsuccessfully for the Presidency. In a state-wide television broadcast, he declared, "And as a candidate for Presi.. I mean GOVERNOR.. of the United Sta.. I mean CALIFORNIA." At a party shortly after George Romney's first election as governor of Michigan, the hostess introduced Mrs. Romney to the guest, "I want you to meet the governor's new wife," she said. In embarrassment, she hastily corrected herself, "I mean the new governor's old wife." Another woman told Mrs. Romney, "You always look different; the last time I saw you, you looked so nice." The late Sen. Estes Kefauver (Tenn.) was hard put not to choke on a statement which the press picked up during one of his primary campaigns for the Democratic presidential nomination. In one town, he patted a small boy on the head and asked about his father. "He's dead," the boy said. A few hours later, on the other side of town, Kefauver greeted the same youngster again. Obviously he did not remember the lad, for he once again asked "How is your father?" "My father is still dead," came the devastating reply. Famous for his fluffs, ex-movie star Charless Farrell on day was stopped by a man. "Charlie!" he said, slapping Farrell on the back. "Charlie, here I am! Just like I promised. How are you? You do remember me, don't you?" Farrell, not remembering, gulped, reddened and then replied: "Well, help me out a little." "Jackson Hole, Charlie," the man said, referring to the Wyoming resort. "Of course, Mr. Hole - how are you?" Prince Charles, recalled one occasion when a mental lapse created a flub. "The wife of a dignitary in Australia greeted me and said she hadn't seen me since my parents' wedding." At a formal reception in Washington, the harried host cordially greeting the secretary of the treasury, "Good evening, Mr. Sandwitch, won't you have a secretary?" Attending his first reception at the White House, a newly-elected congressman grew more nerveous by the moment. Finally he found himself obliged to chat with the First Lady. In a hopeless effort to appear poised, he blurted "I've always admired the White House. Who as the artichoke who designed it?" Recently the new assistant pastor of a large church sat beside a visiting archbishop at a banquet. Wishing to convince other diners of his perfect poise, the young cleric clutched the gravy boat and passed it to the dignitary. "Will you have some grace, Your Gravy?" he asked. ---------------------------------------------------- Excerpts from an article in The Daily Breeze: Robert Half International, the executive recruiting firm, puts out an annual list of gems gleaned from resumes its clients have received. Here is a sample of what company founder Robert Half calls, "resumania: the inappropriate, peculiar, humorous and self-defeating things job candidates include in their resumes." "I have been intimately involved in every aspect of this company," one New York job applicant boasted, "from the very beginning right up to its present unfortunate bankrupt state." One Seattle job candidate told his potential employers: "References: Please do not contact my current employer or any of my previous employers." Here is what a Boston man had to say about his former supervisor: "Boss was as twisted as a pretzel." This is how Washington bureaucrats look for new jobs. "These greetings serve to illumine opportunity, the intent of which acceptation I would have to be as a common purpose to business," said one. "I assume with their inclusion will accretion bestow the wordage as primary objective. Fundamental expertise as perspicuity perpetuates to govern by perspicacity the abilities to perform the basic organization to official finance procedures does stand aligning this resume." His previous job must have been writing legislation. Other examples of resumania include: - "Willing to relocate. But I refuse to go to Manhattan or the Soviet bloc," from a Kansas City applicant. - An Atlanta executive noted that she had "formed a partnership with three business collies." - A Denver accountant wrote: "Other qualifications: Skiing. Doing some P.R. work as a skiing gorilla." - "Six munts ago, I couldn't spell executive. Today I are one." wrote a Philadelphia job candidate. - "Size of previous employer: Twenty-three floors," came from St. Louis. - "My firm currently employs 20 odd people," said a Baltimore job-seeker. *start* 15491 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 23 May 89 16:28:55 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 4.J From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Why is a good programer like a Knight? They both live by their code. ---------------------------------------------------- Objoke: "Two ballots please, I'm from Chicago" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A somewhat plump lady walked into the bakery and bought a cherry pie. ``Would you like it cut into six pieces or eight pieces?'' the salesgirl asked. ``Better make that six pieces,'' was the reply. ``I'm on a diet.'' ---------------------------------------------------- Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style. After the standard ones, like name, nationality, passport number, etc.. he got to one that asked: "Have you ever been imprisoned?" After thinking about that for some time he entered: "I didn't know it was still a requirement" ---------------------------------------------------- 22. The biggest security gap is an open mouth 25. Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 55. Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 57. If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. 83. If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 97. Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- JULIE: Guess what? I'm going to have triplets! ANN: Wow, that's great. Aren't triplets very rare? JULIE: I'll say. My doctor told me that triplets occur once every two million times! ANN: Gee, how did you have time for work? ---------------------------------------------------- TODAY'S MEDICAL TIP: Never undergo any kind of major surgery without first making an appointment. ---------------------------------------------------- You know you're growing old when your knees buckle but your belt won't. ---------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the sequel to North by Northwest called South by Southeast? It takes the plot in a whole different direction. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One -- but only after sitting in the dark for a while, contemplating the excellence of the old bulb. Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None -- liberals don't believe violence solves anything. A': 10,270: 51 senators and 218 representatives to pass the Federal Incandescent Appliance Replacement Act, 10,000 civil servants to staff the Federal Incandescent Appliance Replacement Administration, and 1 minority contractor actually to change the bulb. ---------------------------------------------------- The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines: 1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings. 2. Join our frequent near-miss program. 3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. 4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off! 5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall. 6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 7. The kids will love our inflatable slides. 8. You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane! 9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 10. Delta: We might be landing on your street! 11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 12. Bring a bathing suit. 13. So that's what these buttons do! 14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to. 15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times. ---------------------------------------------------- Michael Scott, who became the first president of Apple Computer in 1977 and semiretired in 1981 after Apple went public, graduated from the California Institute of Technology in 1965. His class was taught freshman and sophomore physics by the late Nobel laureate Richard Feynman, which course was the basis of the famous /Feynman Lectures on Physics/. In pledging $1.5 million to endow the Richard P. Feynman Professorship at Caltech, and stipulating that the selection process for this chair include special consideration of the teaching ability of the recipient, Scott recounted the first class meeting in the Bridge Laboratory lecture hall: "There were 183 of us freshmen, and a bowling ball hanging from the three-story ceiling to just above the floor. Feynman walked in and, without a word, grabbed the ball and backed against the wall with the ball touching his nose. He let go, and the ball swung slowly 60 feet across the room and back - stopping naturally just short of crushing his face. Then he took the ball again, stepped forward, and said: "I wanted to show you that I believe in what I'm going to teach you over the next two years." ---------------------------------------------------- Some HMOs might want to sign up for this: A Tightwad Contest in Oakland has been won by a retired welder who separates two-ply toilet paper to save money. "It's no trouble at all; it just takes a little practice," said Luis Torres, 64, who won top honors in a "How Cheap Are You?" contest sponsored by the Oakland Tribune. He also buys generic groceries and day-old baked goods, reuses plastic bags and never tosses out soap slivers. "I always did things to save money," said Torres, who attributes his frugal ways to growing up with 14 siblings. Runners-up included a Berkeley couple who said they save dental floss on a bathroom hook for reuse, and a Richmond man who claimed he refreezes used ice cubes. (One couple siad they collect 2-for-1 coupons to restaurants and then invite another couple. "We make them pay for their half, and we dine free," they wrote.) And from Elmer Hurren in El Cerrito came this admission: When his vacuum cleaner bag fills, Hurren cuts one end, empties it and sews it up for reuse. Saves bags, he said, "and sometimes I find a penny in the dust." ---------------------------------------------------- Ad in an English magazine for Girobank. Photo: Ollie North in full uniform, giving "truth oath" in congressional hearing. Caption: "With a few notable exceptions, no one can transfer your money round the world more efficiently than us." Text: "We think it's time to come clean. Girobank has been transferring large sums of money halfway round the world for years. "It's hardly a risky business. Our centralised international division, with its unique links to the overseas Giro network, allows business to be conducted at maximum speed and with the minumum of bureaucracy. "And even if your transaction should prove difficult (as it might in Nicaragua for example), we can provide documentary collections, letters of credit, bonds and guarantees. "And you needn't worry about the price you have to pay. Girobank's international services are among the cheapest available. "Closer to home, we also offer a comprehensive range of other financial services including leasing, lending, treasury and cash collection. "All in all, Girobank adds up to less hassle and more choice for the businessman or woman. A call to the number below will reveal the full story. Frankly, we think the whole world should know." ---------------------------------------------------- Federal Aviation Agency, Washington 25, D.C. Gentlemen: I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened. The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. but on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis. On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier. When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason. We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's rediculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape. The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket htat I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we? It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead wigh sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are. By the way, somethng was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time. Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computor. I am a whiz at that computor, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourseelf, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it semed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occured because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this. As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving. To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talkig about some god damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem. Well, that's about all I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery. Very, truly yours, *start* 16950 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 May 89 17:05:54 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 4.K From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Delta - Hijackers are afraid to fly us. ---------------------------------------------------- An Irishman joins Alcoholics Anonymous so he can drink under an assumed name.... ---------------------------------------------------- Q: You know why there aren't any Idaho pharmacists??? A: They can't figure out how to get those little bottles in the typewritter. Q: Calculate what day Easter Sunday will be on in 2001??? A: BRUNETTE: April 15 A: BLONDE: Sunday Q: Today is Friday the 13th are you superstitious??? A: BRUNETTE: No A: BLONDE: No, I'm Methodist. ---------------------------------------------------- QUESTION.....Why don't we work on Labor Day???? ---------------------------------------------------- I used to work for a Fortune 500 company, referred to hereafter as X***x to preserve anonymity and protect the guilty. As recently as three years ago, they found themselves in the unfortunate position of still having a huge inventory of X***x 820's on hand-- a horrible little 64k CPM machine. So they decided to try to unload them by selling them to employees at the special discount of about $2000-- extra if you wanted the 10-meg hard disk. Many people were foolish enough to actually _buy_ the things at that price; a year later, the rest were available from a salvage firm for about $100.00. ---------------------------------------------------- When talking to my brother on the phone, I griped that our mother complains about how infrequently she sees my kids but never comes to visit, even though it's only a $200 plane ticket. My brother's response.... "Yes, but you don't need *any* ticket for a _guilt_ trip". ---------------------------------------------------- "It is a damn poor mind indeed which can't think of at least two ways to spell any word." Andrew Jackson, 1833 ---------------------------------------------------- You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time. ---------------------------------------------------- A FRIEND IN NEED IS A PEST INDEED A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET A MAN'S HOUSE IS HIS HASSLE A PENNY SAVED IS RIDICULOUS AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE, USUALLY MORE IS SAID THAN DONE AN AUTHORITY KNOWS LOTS OF THINGS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT BUILD SOMETHING FOOLPROOF AND EVERY FOOL WILL USE IT CAN YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE AIR WAS CLEAN AND SEX WAS DIRTY CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL, BUT BAD FOR THE CAREER ---------------------------------------------------- On the "accidental" bombing of the French Embassy during the United States raid of Libya: "Oops. Well, we're just soooo sorry. Our pilots were tired.....Maybe, if they didn't have to fly all the way around Europe, they wouldn't have been that tired..." ---------------------------------------------------- Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it wasn't for Easter we all would be Jewish. ---------------------------------------------------- Well, the Pentagon has been spending $800 for a hammer, and $650 for a screwdriver. The other day, I got a notice from the IRS (Internal Revenue Service...) saying that I owed $17,000. I sent them a Black and Decker Circular Saw and told them to keep the change. ---------------------------------------------------- I'm very worried. A friend of mine recently tried to commit suicide. Luckily, he's dyslexic and he jumped _behind_ a bus. ---------------------------------------------------- Jake Johansen (a local comic) ------------- A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." ---------------------------------------------------- Is it true that Mickey Mouse has been seen wearing a Dan Quayle wristwatch????? ---------------------------------------------------- Four men were in a boat, and they had five cigarettes but no matches or lighters. Do you know how they finally lit up?? They threw one of the cigarettes overboard, making the boat a cigarette lighter..... (GRoan.....) ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What does the Enterprise run on? A: Spock plugs. ---------------------------------------------------- Computers run because they have smoke built into them. When the smoke gets out, the computer stops working. ---------------------------------------------------- I recall an incident that aired on C-SPAN during the campaign where a senator walked up to the podium to deliver a speech in support of George Bush. On the way across the stage, he tripped on a cord, knocking over a lamp. He brought down the house, saying "Looks like there's only 999 points of light now." ---------------------------------------------------- One of my engineering profs was from Egypt. He was an agreeable fellow but his teaching style was vomitorious and his English was unintelligible. One day he announced an exam for February 2. One guy shouted in an astonished tone, "BUT THAT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!!" "Vot? Iss zees a releegious holiday?" he asked. We strung him along for several minutes. He finally caught onto the joke and laughed with us. We were ultimately saved by the outbreak of war between Egypt and Israel; he suddenly quit and went home. ---------------------------------------------------- 10 or 15 years ago there was a game show whose name escapes me (though I remember the 'host' was Gene Rayburn). Whenever the show needed a they used 'Neoslabovian' (no doubt misspelled, if a spelling even exists). It suggested a certain Slavic doltishness without offending any single group. ob joke: Did you hear about our new foreign aid package? We're giving the Neoslabovians 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn to drive them they're going to invade Russia. ---------------------------------------------------- A second famous newscaster (Dan Rather, I believe) was assigned to cover the smashing of several cases of illegal whiskey. The sheriff and mayor are on hand as the largest deputy climbs up on the platform withh a massive sledge hammer. He begins to break bottle after bottle until a small river is formed from the liquid. Being the intrepid young reporter that he was, he climbed down and squatted next to the river and took a taste of the liquid. He knew immediatly that it was water, which he pointed out quite loudly. The people agreed and the sheriff, mayor, and deputy did not fare well after the investigation as to what happened to the Whiskey! ---------------------------------------------------- I used to work for Visual Technology, a company that was growing faster than crabgrass until they decided to jump on the PC bandwagon. They went into hock purchasing a company that made a (very bad) PC clone they called the "Commuter". Nobody in the marketplace trusted Visual's reputation as it applied to PCs, so very few people actually *bought* the Commuters. For the most part, the Commuters sat on shelves in the stockroom, being sold in dribs and drabs. After a while (a *long* while), Visual wised up and stopped producing the Commuters. Well, along came JVC, the wholesale clearance house. They knew a mediocre thing when they saw it, so they ordered 10,000 Commuters, to sell at way below cost. The problem was, Visual didn't *have* 10,000 Commuters, so they had to stop production of the things that were actually making money and retool the production line to crank out thousands of Commuters that weren't going to generate any profit. What seemed like a good way to clean out the stockroom turned into a fiasco: they lost money building the extra Commuters, and they missed the deadlines on the equipment they *should* have been making. ---------------------------------------------------- Reminds me of the story of the astronauts being interviewed as they were exiting from the space capsule. When Commander Blake was asked to comment on his experience, he said "The sight was just incredible! I can't begin to compare the experience to anything else I have ever seen". First Officer Smith said "The sense of grandeur and quiet was ineffably wondrous". Lt. Cohen, looking worn and haggard, came out and groused "What torture! Non-stop Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv,Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv,Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv,.... (morning prayer, afternoon prayer, evening prayer....) (Rec.humor readers can now hit n!) Actually the topic of the Intl. date line has been the subject of discussion in several contemporary responsa. An entire volume was authored by Rabbi Menachem M. Kasher on the subject some years ago. I have also heard that the someone (I think the Chief Rabbinate in Israel has suggested that the times for prayer in outer space should correspond to Jerusalem time. ---------------------------------------------------- Officials today announced they will be conducting scientific research on Milk Cows on the next shuttle launch. The Crew will be taking care of and monitoring about 25 milk cows up in space to see how they react to no gravity. One official jokingly called it: " The first herd shot round the world.." -------- It's not widely known, but there was some small-scale work in this area done in the early fifties, quitely launched from Wallop's (sp?) Island. A single cow was to be launched into the high ionosphere for a suborbital test. The detailed reports were never made public, but according to the rumor mill something went badly wrong with the biological compartment -- it came apart -- and only the front half of the cow made it up. The project was considered an udder failure. ---------------------------------------------------- Reprinted from the Seattle Times circa 1986-7 by Mitch Albom Knight-Ridder Newspapers Let us deal today with a timely sports question. How do you choose a company softball team? The answer is, there are lots of way. My favorite way is in a bar, late at night, with a hat, 50 pieces of paper, and a group of people who like to sing in Swedish, even though they don't speak Swedish. And plenty of ice. But that is just my way. And I don't hit very well. Others take it more seriously. In fact, to certain types--investment bankers, account executives, anyone from New York--softball leagues have become roughly the equivalent of, oh, say, holy war. First of all, because it is May, it is too late to be picking softball teams. In today's competitive business world, the winning teams made up their rosters back in November. Several players actually are under contract year-around. They will never admit this, of course. But if you know a burly salesman who hasn't met a quota in years, chances are he's somebody's first baseman. Still there is hope for your group. Their bus could crash. And if that kind of luck should strike, you better be ready. Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are 25 tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team. I emphasize the word winning, which is not the same as wearing a sweatshirt and waking up with a hangover. Ready? 1) Never pick the boss. 2) Never pick the boss' secretary. 3) Pick Vinny from the shipping department. If there is no Vinny, pick Frank. No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some other shipping department, and Vinny will know another Vinny. Or Eddie. So you end up with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie. This, by the way, is your starting outfield. 4) Never pick a Seth. 5) If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio on his shoulder, grab him. 6) Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow 7) Are we dealing with co-ed teams? We are? 8) In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically. At least on my team. 9) Take any player with his own ice chest. (If you do not understand this, I am not going to explain. You should join the company racquetball league instead, where they drink Perrier.) 10) No vice presidents. 11) Never take a guy wearing a batting glove. Batting gloves do nothing. Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so the owner of the sporting goods store can take his wife to France. 12) Anyone with a tattoo starts. 13) Two tattoos bats cleanup. 14) IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE GLOVE. If it is ratty and frayed and has masking tape all over it, you want the guy. If it is shiny and orange and is signed by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass. 15) If he owns spikes, he's in. 16) Never take the boss. I know we covered this already. I don't want you to forget. 17) ANOTHER IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE CAR. As a general rule, people who drive Volkswagen bettles make good softball players. I don't know why this is. I have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a Chrysler New Yorker. Ever. 18) No more than four players with glasses. 19) Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your shortstop. But only if that's his real name. Have him bring a birth certificate. I mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right? You want the guy whose parents thought it up. 20) Pick someone with spare bats. 21) Get at least one person from sales. Even if he or she can't play, at least you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are planning. 22) Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious. Someone who will say to a batter, "Hey. If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with it." 23) NEVER PICK THE BOSS! Just a reminder.] 24) No Dr. Pepper drinkers. I don't trust them. 25) If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign her up. The hell with her average. So there you have it. Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball trophy and go the awards dinner. On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise only two things: Pick your boss. And let him play shortstop. ---------------------------------------------------- Imagine what it would be like if George Washington had to go through a Congressional Confirmation Hearing... We join our correspondent at Independence Hall in Philadelphia for hearings already in progress.... Congressman: General Washington, you are here today so we can determine if you are in fact fit to lead this great nation. Washington: Yes, sir, I realize that. Congressman: Then lets get underway here. First of all, do you still have any ties to the millitary of this country? Washington: No, sir. Congressman: Do you have a silver tea set General Washington? Washington: Yes, I do. Congressman: A tea set given to you by a Mr. Paul Revere of Boston, one of your scouts during the Revolution, I believe? Washington: Yes, sir, it was given to me on the aniversary of the Battle of Lexington and Concord. That was quite a fight, we sure had them on the run... Congressman: I'm sure you did. But you admit to taking bribes from former military personnel? Washington: I would hardly call it a bribe, Mr. Revere and I are old friends Congressman: And then there's the question of your loose moral standards sir. Washington: I beg your pardon? I have been faithfully married to my wife Martha for many years now. Congressman: Oh, come now General. All the way from here to Massachusetts there are signs at almost every inn and a good many private homes saying "George Washington slept here" Are we really supposed to believe that you travelled that much? Washington: Well, sir, a general has to travel quite a bit when fighting a war you know... Congressman: An educated General, perhaps. But you sir never attended an institution of higher learning at all, did you? Washington: No, sir, it simply wasn't necessary in my job as a surveyor. Congressman: But you think it is adequate for a job such as this? Washington: Yes sir, I do. I believe I have learned a lot about leadership in the course of my military career. Congressman: Which started out with you serving our enemies the British? Washington: Yes, sir, it did. Congressman: Enough of this. This man is simply completely unqualified. Please bring in that Arnold fellow. What's his name, Benedict Arnold? Yes, now that has a ring of authority to it... Just think what a great country this would have been... ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16877 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Jun 89 11:20:14 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 4.L From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Steve Wright: When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child... eventually. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. I used to have a dog. I named him Stay. When he was little, I used to confuse him. "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay." Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! I play the harmonica. the only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I replaced the headlights in my car with stobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. the harmonica sounds *AMAZING*. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph. Once I took a pair of contact lenses and painted little cats on them. I put them on my dog and he went crazy. Then I took one out and he ran in circles.... Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time". If you were driving at the speed of light and put your headlights on, would they do anything? I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot." I like to stand in the shower with the plug in and pretend I'm in a sinking submarine. -What's the soup du jour? I don't know, but they have it everyday! I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't? I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge... ---------------------------------------------------- License plate on a Suzuki Samurai: RDYTORLL ---------------------------------------------------- Are all art majors different life forms? Can you catch a computer Virus from the keyboard? ---------------------------------------------------- "The DNA genetic system is the one library in which it is worthwhile to browse" ---------------------------------------------------- "You mean, you put down your rock, and I put down my sword, and we try to kill each other like civilized people?" --The Princess Bride ---------------------------------------------------- `With the splitting of the atom, everything has changed save for our mode of thinking' A. Eienstein ---------------------------------------------------- Heard on Sacramento NPR: "Today the pollution standard index is 42, which is in the 'good' category. Tomorrow the forecast is 42, which is also good." ---------------------------------------------------- A new product on the market: "Mall Walkers," a $79 pair of sneakers "specially designed" JUST for walking in shopping malls. (Need I say more?) ---------------------------------------------------- ..so when the machine truncates excess bits, it throws them under the raised floor." -- Fred Felber (so THAT's why there are raised floors in computer rooms...) ---------------------------------------------------- Eight years ago, when I was a junior-high rat in Australia, my friend got a brand new Tom Smith brand computer (compatible with the TRaSh-80 model 1). He got a few games with it and we played them for an hour. Then he started looking really worried and said we had to turn the computer off because we were wasting K! Some people just don't understand memory... ---------------------------------------------------- A professor spilled cranberry juice on his floppy disk. He immediately put the disk into the drive on his Apple II so that he could save the data. The Apple is now in the repair shop. ---------------------------------------------------- >From Forbes magazine: Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just do it" appears on the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinatti, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes." Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We though nobody in America would know what he said." ---------------------------------------------------- A long time ago, Sebastian Bach took a Christmas vacation in Australia. As he was fond of travelling, he decided to go across the western part of the continent. Now, the only mode of conveyance was by a camel. So, Bach stopped at a Hurts Rent-a-Camel joint to, er, rent a camel. Unfortunately, because it was spring break all the camels had been rented. However, there was one camel that had just been purchased. This had not yet been broken, and so was almost impossible to ride. The process of taming a camel normally took about a week, with the carrot-and-stick approach. Bach felt that he could tame the camel by soothing its spirits with music. He played a beautiful sonata, but the camel was still belligerent. As none of his music seemed to work, he tried playing the music of some of the other composers. Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Beethoven..., nothing seemed to work. Finally Bach played a piece from Struass, and the camel was immediately subdued. It was the last Strauss that broke Bach's camel. ---------------------------------------------------- There was this man with a horrible crick in his back. He went from doctor to doctor trying to get it fixed. Finally, a quack told him to shimmy up a paddle. (You heard right, a paddle!) So the man, in desperation climbs a paddle. Miracle of miracles, it worked! I guess he was up a paddle without a crick. ---------------------------------------------------- I'm reminded to some extent of the story of how after the Wright brothers first flew, they were virtually ignored by the world at large, and particularly the scientific community, who had seen so many hoaxes and failed attempts. Then a few years later a respected European scientist was travelling through Ohio, when in the fields near Dayton he saw this huge creature in the air. "My God, what is that thing?" The reply: "Oh, it's just those crazy Wright boys and their flying machine." ... ---------------------------------------------------- WELL THERE WERE TWO NEWFIES HITCH-HIKING DOWN THE ROAD ON A SCOARCHING DAY WHEN TWO MEN IN A TRUCK STOPPED TO GIVE THEM A LIFT. THE NEWFIES JUMPED IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK AND THE TRUCK SPED OFF GAINING SPEED ALL THE TIME. THE DRIVER HEADED UP A HILL, BUT DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE SHARP TURN AT THE TOP, RIGHT NEXT TO A LAKE. THE TRUCK SPED OVER THE HILL AND CRASHED INTO THE LAKE. THE DRIVER AND HIS PASSENGER MADE IT TO SHORE SAFELY AND WAITED FOR THE TWO NEWFIES. AFTER A WHILE THEY GREW CONCERNED AND WERE ABOUT TO GO IN AFTER THEM WHEN THEY SURFACED AND SWAM SWAM TO SHORE. THE DRIVER ASKED THE TWO WHAT HAD TAKEN THEM SO LONG. THE NEWFIES REPLIED THAT THEY HAD A DIFFICULT TIME GETTING THE TAIL-GATE DOWN !!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- THERE ONCE WAS THREE MEN WORKING ON THE CONSTRUCTION OF A HIGH-RISE,A CHINESE MAN, A MEXICAN , AND A NEWFIE. WHEN LUNCH TIME CAME THE MEXICAN OPENED HIS LUNCH BOX AND SAID "TACOS!TACOS!TACOS! IF I HAVE TACOS IN MY LUNCH TOMORROW I'M JUST GOING TO THROW IT OVER THE SIDE." THEN THE CHINAMAN OPENED HIS LUNCHBOX AND SAID "FRIED RICE! FRIED RICE! FRIED RICE! ALL I EVER GET IS FRIED RICE! IF I HAVE FRIED RICE TOMORROW I AM JUST GOING TO THROW IT OVER THE SIDE." THEN THE NEWFIE OPENS HIS LUNCH, "BALONEY SANDWICHES! BALONEY SANDWICHES! BALONEY SANDWICHES! ALL I EVER GET IS BALONEY SANDWICHES. IF I HAVE BALONEY SANDWICHES AGAIN TOMORROW I'M JUST GOING TO THROW IT OVER THE SIDE. THE NEXT DAY THE MEXICAN OPENS HIS LUNCH, "TACOS", SO HE FLINGS HIS LUNCH AS FAR AS HE CAN THROW IT. THEN THE CHINAMAN OPENS HIS LUNCH"FRIED RICE" SO HE FLINGS HIS LUNCH AS FAR AS HE CAN. SO FOLLOWING LEAD THE NEWFIE FLINGS HIS LUNCH OVER THE SIDE WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE WHAT WAS INSIDE. WHEN THE OTHER TWO MEN SEE THIS THEY INQUIRE TO WHY HE DID NOT CHECK TO SEE WHAT WAS IN HIS LUNCH. THEN THE NEWFIE REPLYED "HEY I SHOULD KNOW WHAT I HAVE, I PACK MY OWN LUNCH........" ---------------------------------------------------- Salman Rushdie one-liners >From the San Francisco _Chronicle_ Datebook section, March 5, 1989, "'The Satanic Verses' -- Comics Laugh It Off" (The names are Bay Area or nationally-known stand-up comics...) "Khomeini's idea of 'opening up to the West' means allowing non-Muslims to hunt Rushdie." --Don Stevens [Commenting on small nightclub crowd] "This looks like a Salman Rushdie book-signing party" --Fred Reiss "If Rushdie's book got Khomeini mad, wait till he sees the swimsuit edition of the Koran." --Johnny Carson [Shaking his head] "...and wait until Khomeini finds out Safeway carries pork." --Bob Lacey [Answering machine tape] "We're not here right now; we've gone to England to kill Salman Rushdie." --Alex Reid "I translated 'The Satanic Verses' into Spanish, and now there's a 10 million-peso price on my head. What an insult; I"m worth more than a nickel." --Jose' Simon ---------------------------------------------------- In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say you are "going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their frugality. The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement "op z'n Amerikaans" (going American) because the Americans are known for their egalitarian nature! In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from Turkey. In Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan", which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on the Hindi name of a turkey?) French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by the English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call them "pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]". In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters. In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners. ---------------------------------------------------- Define your terms for software releases Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its packing materials. Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls on any computer monitor. American Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad. Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public. Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released. Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version". Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate. Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth of the dBase III Plus Manual. Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT. AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into performing properly. Backup: The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make; used only in the abstract. Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to wish it had built. Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate doorstop or paperweight. (Replaces the term "junior".) Copy Protection: A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it. Database Manager: A program that allows users to manipulate data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they conceive of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data. EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs. Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals. FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception until you add the cable that is required to make it work. Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with simple mnemonic commands. Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of functions that the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he uses constantly. Laptop: Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox. Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude of computer programs that insist on running too fast. Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful information. Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator. Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned a registration card. Transportability: Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system. Printer: An electromechnical paper shredding device. Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions. Thought Processor: An eletronic version of the intended outline procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from high school. Upgraded: Didn't work the first time. User Friendly: Supplied with a full color manual. Very User Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need not bother with the full color manual. Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data. Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid litigation by disgruntled users of Version 1.0. Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release, except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away; no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt. Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt. Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of paying to read the weather on their television screens instead of having Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth. Warranty: Disclaimer. Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does not offer game programs. (The previous list of terms was furnished by copied from the Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 issue. The original data was provided by the WIC Connection.) ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16814 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 8 Jun 89 13:00:11 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 4.M From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross 200K of apples and lots of garbage? a core dump ---------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a Mormon with a Mexicon Six months worth of stolen groceries ---------------------------------------------------- The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ---------------------------------------------------- Cashier (looking at customer's credit card): "Why, I know someone with the exact same name as you!!!!!" Customer: "Really? Who?!?" ---------------------------------------------------- For me, life at Xerox began nearly 24 years ago at the Military Avenue facility of Scientific Data Systems. I think the clean desk policy began there. After the first rain you kept the top of your desk clean because the roof leaked. ---------------------------------------------------- Well, another motto that is like the others, but not from a restaurant, but a travel agency in Harvard Square: "Please go away again soon." When riding the first time I saw this, I thought it was really rude, and the I saw it was a travel agency... ---------------------------------------------------- Conversation between my friend Dave and a kid delivering his pizza: (A true story from back in December) Dave: How much? Pizza Kid: It's $8.50 Dave: Let me get a check - What's the date? Pizza Kid: December 7th Dave: Ahh, a day that will live in infamy! Pizza Kid: Whaaat? Dave: Today's the day the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. Pizza Kid: Oh, well - I haven't seen the news yet. ---------------------------------------------------- Growing up in Texas, I've never figured out why the oil companies are so widely hated either. My research group is closely tied to the Oil industry. I would vouch that the oil industry is not particularly evil... although they do have a strong attachment to 1970's model IBM mainframes (that's why you don't see many postings from oil companies) that make them at least a _little_ suspect... ---------------------------------------------------- Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've done this today. ---------------------------------------------------- One day, the old man in charge of ringing matins at the local monastery died, so the abbot decided to advertise for a new bell ringer. After running an ad for several days in the local newspaper, an applicant finally showed up. Much to the abbott's dismay, this man had no arms. "I'm afraid," said the abbot, "that you don't have much of a career as a bell ringer ahead of you." "Nonsense," said the man. "Let me show you what I can do." So the abbot and the man go up into the bell tower, and the man proceeds to run full speed across the tower and throw himself face first into the bells. A lovely pealing sound results, and the abbott decides then and there to hire the man. "But I have one question," said the abbot. "How did you learn to ring bells that way." "Actually," replied the man, "I learned on the guitar." Spying a guitar across the room, he walked over there and began beating his head against the guitar. Beautiful music resulted, and the abbot was quite impressed. The man worked out fine as the monastery's bell ringer until several months later. While ringing the evening meal, the man missed the bells and plummeted from the bell tower, killing himself. In the resulting investigation, the chief of police called over the abbot and pointed out the dead man. "Do you recognize this man?" asked the police chief. "Hmmm," said the abbot. "I don't recall his name, but he plays guitar just like ringing a bell." ---------------------------------------------------- During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his father's car to drive to a New Year's Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the car New Year's Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Year's Eve. The agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car, but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part of the father, especially since the kid wasn't 21. So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home. Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in a line of people that were being administered the infamous sobriety test. Somehow the policeman skipped him, and he was left standing off to the side while the people behind him were showing the police officer how well they could touch their finger to their nose, walk a straight line, etc. At 7:00 AM his father got up to answer the doorbell. There were two state troopers there; one from Vermont and one from Massachusetts. They immediately asked him if he was the owner of . He replied, "Yes, I am." One of the policeman asked him if he was driving the car the previous evening, and he said that his son had been the driver. The police officer asked to speak to his son. When the kid found himself in front of the two state troopers, he knew he was in some sort of trouble. But he also realized that his blood alcohol level had come down considerably, and that he would pass any test they might give him. So upon questioning, he admitted that he was driving the car, that he had been in Vermont, but when asked if he had been drinking he said, "No!" When the policemen asked if they could see his car, the kid was unable to remember the drive, and was worried that he may have hit something or someone. He said that the car was out back under that car port. And when the four of them walked out to look at the car, instead of looking at the car he had driven the night before, there was a Vermont State Police cruiser parked there. ---------------------------------------------------- The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L.A. Times: -------- Los Angeles Times -- Intra-Office Correspondence To members of the Times staff: Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain economy measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the duration of the difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct the imbalance more quickly. Starting immediately: --The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints on pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel & motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for distribution. --Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room; for propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by night. In case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above the rank of assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate. --When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have been discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping on benches and sidewalks. --All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided when old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert batteries in tape recorder. --Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your department secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can petition orally or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps. --To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others are encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work --When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable. --To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program -- will be instituted. Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by employees in the course of their other duties i.e., reporters traveling around southern California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing division is preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times merchandise, and order books. These kits should be available by December 1, and will be distributed by your supervisor. --To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time these to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines. --The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees' ideas on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be rewarded with free meal passes to the company cafeteria. ---------------------------------------------------- "Computers Made Stupid" Dr. Computer Science answers computer questions: Q: What are bits and bytes? A: Bits and Bytes are what a binary (base 2) computer uses to think. Binary computers only think about food, so the units of thought are expressed in terms of eating processes. A bit is the smallest amount of cauliflower your child can eat and still get away with saying that he has had a bit of cauliflower. A byte is an entire piece of cauliflower. A byte usually contains eight bits, unless you are eating on a DEC, some of which allow a byte to vary in size from a single bit, to 36 bits. This is possible only on a DEC since only there can your child manage to drop small pieces of cauliflower through the spaces between the floorboards, leaving fewer bits on the plate. With fewer bits on the plate, each bit is a larger percentage of the whole, so a byte gets smaller. Q: Can I put a double sided floppy disk in the envelope from a single sided floppy? A: No. You see, single sided disks were invented because there all have a single song on the other side. That's why they are the same size as a 45 rpm record. Unfortunately, the sleeves are hard to remove so playing the songs are harder than planned. Anyway, who has a turntable with a 45 RPM adapter that works? Well, you know how dirty all your records get? All that dirt is inside the record and the sleeve, so if you put a double sided floppy in the sleeve, all the dirt from the record side will jump on the data and crash your system. Q: My computer has 2 Meg of RAM. My friend's has 2048K of ROM. Who was more memory? A: Your Friend. RAM memory usually forgets everything when you turn off the power. That means that when the power is off, you have NO RAM memory. ROM memory remembers everything, even when the power is off. How much more memory does your friend have? That depends on how much you turn off your computer. You'd have to keep your computer turned on all the time for you to have the same amount of memory as your friend. Q: Why does my disk have free space? A: It's a bonus from the manufacturer, to make you think you got a bargain. Notice how that free space decreases as time goes on. That's because your disk is becoming less of a bargain. When the free space becomes zero, you'll have only the disk you paid for. This usually causes great depression and concern because then you realize how little the dollar buys. Q: Motherboard, daughterboard, backplane, front panel, what does it all mean? A: That's all sales talk. First came office computers. They were big and impersonal. Then came personal computers. They were "user friendly". Now, a computer is no longer a single machine. We have computer families. The daddy computer talks to his daughters via the motherboard. Nobody drives, they all take the bus. Or the pulse train. Computers are sometimes like committees, they have several parts wasting time by doing the same thing at the same time. They argue a lot about who gets the front seat and who gets to drive. That's why they need bus arbitration. Q: What is cash memory, and why does it make computers faster? A: Cash memory is the part of the computer that remembers how much money you spent on your computer. The more you spend on your computer, the faster it will work. That's why the million dollar computers work so fast - they have more cash memory than you do. Q: But what if I paid by check or a credit card? A: The computer will find out. Every time you turn on the computer, the cash memory checks to see if the check was cashed. This is the memory check. The memory won't work until it's paid for. ---------------------------------------------------- More on sexually-reproducing operating systems: William Hamilton is a major figure in population genetics. I heard him speak at Harvard a few months ago on "Sex and Disease". It wasn't about STDs, but about his theory to explain the evolution of sexual reproduction. In his view, sex evolved as a way to ensure genetic diversity in a population, mainly in response to infectious agents. Diversity helps ensure that at least some members of a species will survive an onslaught of fatal infection. The recent viral/worm attacks on Unix systems suggests that operating systems may have to adopt similar strategies. Instead of a row of workstations running identical systems, and hence vulnerable to attack, computers will run diverse combinations of modules drawn from different sources. This will raise the chance of at least some systems remaining unaffected by the viral attack. Eventually the procedure for making a new system could be automated. Network protocols will be developed to enable a newly-booted machine to collect its software genome from some number (>1) of parent machines on the network, randomly selecting the source for each module. Multiple versions of modules could be stored and used in combination, or kept as backups when one version fails. Making this work will require considerably better interfaces between modules than current practice provides. Either rigorous standard of interface and contract between modules will be enforced (unlikely) or modules will have to flexibly adapt to the environment of other modules they find themselves in. This is probably all to the good. What is more worrisome is that sexual reproduction adds new evolutionary pressures that are quite unrelated to basic problems of survival (or computation). Systems will evolve elaborate mating rituals to attract each other's attention. These rituals will divert time and energy from the primary purposes the machines are supposed to serve. The rutting background processes could come to dominate the activity of the machine, much as the peacock's tail dominates its appearance. Even worse, the machines might develop genders differentiation, and male machines would have to spend most of their energy butting their heads together over the network in fights over the ownership of the female machines. Fortunately such problems can be dealt with the same way we deal with sexually unruly housepets. Only then will the name Unix truly be deserved. *start* 17539 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 9 Jun 89 20:01:33 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 4.N From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Don't take life so serious...it ain't nohow permanent--Walt Kelly ---------------------------------------------------- "When you reach an equilibrium in biology you're dead." -Arnold Mandell ---------------------------------------------------- Groucho Marx: "I can not say that I don't disagree with you." Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. ---------------------------------------------------- Organized Crime: Some call it government ---------------------------------------------------- They're not selling any more beer at the Metrodome. Twins lost the opener. ---------------------------------------------------- Your arguments are sound--all sound. ---------------------------------------------------- Seen on a bumpersticker during layoff days (1985-86) in Silicon Valley: Who is afraid of layoffs Slaves can only be sold. ---------------------------------------------------- The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country... ---------------------------------------------------- There was this girl named Carmen Cohen. All her life her father had called her Carmen. Her mother, on the other hand, had always called her Cohen. This confused the girl to no end. In fact, even when she turned 18 she didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohen. ---------------------------------------------------- Bumper sticker in San Diego: Welcome to San Diego, owned and operated by SDG&E (San Diego Gas & Electric aka San Diego Gouge & Extortion). ---------------------------------------------------- Mark Twain wrote I don't know where. Readers assume you are an idiot. Now assume you are a member of Congress, But I repeat myself. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard this on the radio. They said it was true. Exxon has a calander it puts out. If you open it up to April, there is a picture of the Valdez (sp). The caption reads, "Lets be careful out there." ---------------------------------------------------- You know you're growing old when dialing long distance wears you out. ---------------------------------------------------- "Twenty years ago, NBC told Roddenberry to get rid of Spock, because he looked too `Satanic.' Nowadays, tv shows stuff like _Freddy's Nightmares_. Give me Spock's pointy ears any day." ---------------------------------------------------- A professor wanted to mail a letter to his friend. He had 35c, 10c, $1 and many more stamps. He needed 25c stamp to mail the letter. He scratched his head and finally got the solution. He pasted 35c and 10c, in between he wrote a minus sign. ---------------------------------------------------- More How to write English good: "Adverbs are fading from the English language slow, but sure." ---------------------------------------------------- Fortune Magazine reported recently that some employees of Merrill Lynch's New York office were so incensed at its mailroom service a few years ago that they sent interoffice mail via Federal Express. "Memos were whisked from floor to floor via Memphis." ---------------------------------------------------- What's the similarity between Eastern Airlines and CBS? Neither one has any pilots! ---------------------------------------------------- "An extraordinary pilot uses his or her extraordinary judgement to avoid having to use his or her extraordinary skills." ---------------------------------------------------- "There is no substitute for incomprehensible good luck." --Lynne Alpern and Esther Blumenfeld ---------------------------------------------------- From comedian Mark Guido: Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb. A: Only one, but it takes eight million years. ---------------------------------------------------- What is the best thing to take to Russia on a vacation??? A return ticket. ---------------------------------------------------- It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all travelling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when, at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt. Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped. Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot. He came back into the compartment and sat back down. "That should take care of it." Two more hours passed; the train has not moved. Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train, and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down. "That should take care of it." Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines; the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later. Nothing more happened for about an hour. Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down. "Now. Train is moving." ---------------------------------------------------- a recent TASS headline: SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BEAUROCRATS A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four notifications for army reserve service. Since November, however, he has been orbiting earth in a space station. I guess the mail service just isn't all it's cracked up to be... ---------------------------------------------------- Mikhail Gorbachev dies one day and ends up in Hell. Well, naturally, he's not too thrilled with the idea of spending eternity there, so he goes up to Satan and requests a change. More specifically, he asks Ole Scratch to help him get into Heaven. Since Gorbachev was such an influential and important person during his life, it's not too hard to work out, so before too long he's standing at the Pearly Gates. "Come on in, Mikhail," St Peter says, "make yourself at home. I just have to go do some paper work to finish this transfer, and then I'll be right back." With that, he leaves Gorbachev. After a while, Gorbachev gets bored and walks around to check out some of the sights. Nearby, he discovers a vast collection of clocks. Some of them are moving very fast, some very slow, and some seem about right. He is amazed by this and is still thinking when Saint Peter returns. "Tell me, comrade," he says, "these clocks: what are they for?" "Oh, each of these clocks represents a nation on earth. The faster the hands move, the more crimes are committed by that country's government against its people's basic human rights." "Ah. I see. Tell me, comrade Peter, which of these is the Soviet clock?" With his hand he points towards a group of slow-moving clocks. "The Soviet clock. Yes. Well, it's not exactly here." "Not here? Why not? So the other nations would not be put to shame by our great nation?" "Not exactly... we keep it in the kitchen, as a fan." ---------------------------------------------------- Which serves to remind me of seeing Yakoff on The Tonight Show, I believe. During his monologue, he was talking about the USA and how great it was, compared to Russia. The only thing I can remember is; "In America you have warining shots! What a great country!" ---------------------------------------------------- Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!" ---------------------------------------------------- I heard this one a few years ago in East Germany..... Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child repiles, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!". Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan." ---------------------------------------------------- The Seven Wonders of Soviet Socialism (Gorby's got his work cut out for him): (1) Everybody is employed. (2) Although everybody is employed, nobody does anything. (3) Although nobody does anything, the Plan is still fulfilled to 100%. (4) Although the Plan is always fulfilled to 100%, nothing is ever available in the stores. (5) Although nothing is ever available for purchase, everyone eventually finds everything he/she needs. (6) Although everyone eventually finds what he/she needs, everybody ends up stealing. (7) Although everybody ends up being a thief, nothing is ever found missing. ---------------------------------------------------- Old Soviet Joke: ``They just pretend to pay us, so we just pretend to work'' ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What is purple and conquers nations? A: Alexander the Grape Q: What is green and sings about a rocking jailhouse? A: Elvis Parsley ---------------------------------------------------- From the San Jose Mercury News (who gleaned it from elsewhere) -- Sign outside a sporting goods store: "Now is the winter of our discount tents" ---------------------------------------------------- As a Veterinarian, I am constantly made aware of hor pets are an integral part of many people's lives. I had just finished explaining to a bassett hound's ow ner that her elderly dog had diabetes and began listing its probable causes. S he interrupted me when I mentioned the heredity factor. "No one on my side has ever had that condition," she quickly said, " and I don't think my husband's family has either. ---------------------------------------------------- When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a fule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11 year old seem ed to understand, but our six-year-old took thee restriction very hard Se discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said good-by, she tearfully exclaimed: "Ill see you when I'm 12, Mom!" ---------------------------------------------------- The boy finished the university and received his diploma on agriculture. After returning home, the newly-graduated went to his father's farm. While walking with his father, he said : - Dad, you are working with very old methods. For example, you can not even get 10 kgs of apple from that tree. Can you ? - You' re right. I can't get 10 kgs of apple from that tree. Because it is an orange tree . ---------------------------------------------------- (Not that we never write anything like this, but this extract comes from "Well Informed", the SBD-E (Rank Xerox) Newsletter:) From a recent monthly report: "Whilst acknowledging that ascertaining the requirements for an improved system has been a lengthy and at times frustrating exercise, particularly to those on the sidelines, the investigation phase of this task is now almost complete and the draft versions of requirements for, and appraisals of, certain proposals will be completed by the end of the first week in Feb." ---------------------------------------------------- An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings. As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the univers, and was generally forlorn. Their response was, "Don't scurry, be hoppy." ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmello? a: So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate! Q: Why did the Elephant wear red tennis shoes? A: So he wouldn't be seen in a cherry tree. Q: Why did the elephant wear yellow tennis shoes? A: So he wouldn't be seen in a lemon tree. Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry or lemon tree? (If you say `yes' then you aren't playing fair!) A: See, it works! ---------------------------------------------------- A newsgroup called news.admin Has arguments no one can win. While some are the sweetest, The rest are defeatist, And some of the snobs there are really elitist On limiting whom they let in. And another group called news.groups, Has discussions that circle in loops: Are site admins better Than mere mortal netters? And how low can some people stoop? ---------------------------------------------------- There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed-trap in a small southern town. The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the local Justice of the Peace. The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot. The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket. The speedster said "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!" Whereupon the old J.P. replied, "Keep it, when you get three, you get a bicycle!" --------------------------------------------------- [This was posted in a local notesfile about alt.fusion]: Sam> In typical notes fashion, the first note available discusses Sam> splitting the group into three other groups... Peter> This is confusing; based on the name of the group, Peter> wouldn't it be more appropriate to join a few groups together? ---------------------------------------------------- I understand that Dan Quayle has been a bit confused about this big controversy that's going on over abortion. He thought that Roe vs. Wade was a debate about how to cross the Delaware. ---------------------------------------------------- In article <3361@brunix.UUCP> cs132046@cslab2a.UUCP (Garrett Fitzgerald) writes: >The same for Congress. There is a terrific book out called _Will_the_ >Gentleman_Yield?_ that consists of excerpts from the Congressional >Record. There is one excerpt where a Congressman reads an article.... Well, ok, so someone beat me to it and told ya'll first. I'll just have to go out and find another one; but just so you all know what the book's about, here's a litle excerpt. It's really quite cute. Mr Hinshaw: Mr. Speaker, under leave to extend my remarks in the [Congressional] Record, I include the following glossary of terms used to keep the wheels turning in Government and industry: Program: Any assignment that cannot be completed with one phone call. Channels: The trail left by interoffice memos. Coordinator: The guy who has a desk between two expediters. Consultant or expert: Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles away. Under consideration: Never heard of it. Under active consideration: We are looking in the files for it. Conference: Where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought. Committee: A means for evading responsibility. Board: First, made of wood; second, long and narrow; and, third, sometimes warped. Reliable source: The guy you just met. Informed source: The guy who just told the guy you just met. Unimpeachable source: The guy who started the rumor originally. Make a survey: Need more time to think of an answer. Note and initial: Spread the responsibility. Clarification: Fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground. Check the files: Ask the janitor to look through yesterday's sweepings. Finalize: Scratch gravel to cover errors. *start* 17362 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 13 Jun 89 11:31:39 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 4.P From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Why shouldn't you take your kids to the symphony? Answer: To much sax and violins. ---------------------------------------------------- From today's Hi & Lois newspaper cartoon strip: Clerk [to Hi]: I'm afraid we're out of stock on that item, sir. Hi: I found it on the rack. I just want to buy it. Clerk: Sorry, but we can't sell something the computer says we don't have... ---------------------------------------------------- Thought for the day: Magic Memos (A Murphy's Law variant which seemed particularly applicable to my office:) Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the JEWISH Santa say during Christmas? A: Anybody want to BUY any presents..... ---------------------------------------------------- Someone invented a dialog box on for the Macintosh that said: ------------------------------------------------------ | Sorry, the computer has crashed. | | To whom would you like to assign the blame? | | | | ------------ ------------- | | | Hardware | | Power Surge | | | ------------ ------------- | | ------------ ------------- | | | Sunspots | | Cosmic Rays | | | ------------ ------------- | | -------------- | | | _Programmer_ | | | -------------- | ------------------------------------------------------ The 'programmer' button was dimmed so you couldn't click on it..... ---------------------------------------------------- 1989 Hunting Rules for Lawyers i.e. The 1989 Attorney Season and Bag Limit regulations: 1. It is unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 2. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, SAAB, or Mercedes dealerships. It also is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances or hospitals. 3. It shall be unlawful to use $100 bills, prostitutes or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow mobile, helicopter or aircraft. 5. Killing attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash. 6. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection sticker. 7. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female legal clerk, accident victim, physician, bookie or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 8. Taking attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 9. Various bag limits are set for attorneys including: Brown-nosed judge kissers............2 Back-stabbing divorce litigators.....4 Hairy-chinned civil libertarians.....7 Two-faced tort chasers ..............2 Yellow bellied sidewinders...........2 10. Note that honest attorneys are extinct. ---------------------------------------------------- News of the Weird: The U.S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling case in which the Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because the office is overworked and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum. December figures from the International Monetary Fund reveal that the U.S overnment's subsidy to the dairy industry in 1986 worked out to $1,139 for every cow in the country. (That is the greater than the average annual income for half the world's population.) An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses two million tax returns and related documents annually. One employee said that when preparing for audits, he routinely requests taxpayers' files from the state agencies because they are more likely to have the documents. A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the agency would continue to operate and to collect taxes immediately after any national emergency -- "especially resulting from nuclear attack." Oregon state Sen. Glenn Otto sponsored a bill, approved by a Senate committee, that would establish a retirement home for greyhound dogs too old to continue racing at the Multonomah Kennel Club. Said a supporter, "These dogs are very sensitive, and they've been spoiled out there on the racetrack." A brand new, glass encased directory, part of a multi-million dollar renovation of the Indiana Statehouse in Indianapolis, was unveiled in January with incorrect spellings of three of the five members of the Indiana Supreme Court. In Deridder, La., J. Douglas Crewsell, fifty-one, was sentenced to twenty-five years in prison last January for three robberies, the last of which he had botched after having failed to cut eye holes in the plastic garbage bag he wore to a bank heist. His getaway was delayed as he flailed helplessly inside the bag. Syracuse police arrested Gary R. Leonard, thirty-four, for bank robbery in January after they had traced a car loan application (for his wife) that he had left behind. Robert Robinson was arrested for bank robbery in Mount Sterling, Ky., in November when he tried to make an impromptu getaway. He had planned to take the loot out the back door to his car, making several trips, but the door locked behind him on the first trip. After pleading for several minutes with the employees (who were lying face down on the floor as per Robinson's instructions) to let him in, he turned and ran, but a passing photographer snapped his picture. ---------------------------------------------------- "Driving Lessons" by Bella English My friend Martha, who lives in a suburb west of Boston (and wants to remain anonymous for reasons that will become obvious), has been commuting into the city for 13 years, which makes her eligible for either a Purple Heart or a lobotomy or both. Last week, she is traveling the Mass Pike when gridlock sets in. Traffic grinds to a halt for 35 minutes. Finally, Martha turns off the ignition and begins doing isometrics. Now, if you've ever seen people doing isometrics, you know their contorted faces look as if they're having a fit or have gone into labor. As Martha puts it: "You fake a smile and hold it for 10 seconds, then you pucker up and hold it for 10 seconds." Gradually she becomes aware of the guy to the left of her, in a Ford Escort, frantically working his car phone. To her right, a man in a Mercedes is gabbing on his phone. Martha notices the Escort fellow get out, stride over to the Mercedes and pound on the windows. Martha, naturally, rolls down her windows to listen while continuing her isometrics. "The guy from the Escort is holering. 'Seven minutes you've been on the phone! I had a 9 o'clock meeting!'" All Martha can figure is that there are so many cellular phones in the immediate area that the lines are jammed. "The guy in the Mercedes is still on the phone, but he has rolled down the window. He finally says 'Go pound sand!' and rolls up his window." The man from the Escort, a dumpy sort in a navy blazer, starts to walk away, muttering. He doesn't get far. His jacket is caught in the Mercedes' window. He bangs on the window again. Martha: "The guy in the Mercedes doesn't realize the suit is caught. He thinks the guy is just harassing him." Meanwhile, traffic starts to move. Horns are beeping. The man in the navy blazer is screaming, "Put your bleepin' window down!" His jacket has ripped. Finally, the man in the Mercedes gets the message and releases his hapless hostage. Martha: "The Escort guy walks by my car with his jacket all crumpled, the lining hanging down. As he's walking by, I'm now in my grimacing phase. He says to me, 'What's the matter, you wierd or something?' _He_ had the nerve to call _me_ wierd." Martha shudders at the sight of car phones. "I have seen people crash into the stanchions at tolls because they were talking on the phone and trying to roll the window down," she says. "Pretty soon, it will be TVs in the cars." "I've seen people trying to steer with their elbows while holding the phone in one hand and taking a message with the other," State Trooper Paul Sullivan says. But the worst case was the man driving along Route 3 with his feet. "He had his shoes off, he was driving with his toes," Sullivan said. This foot fetish cost the driver $100. Back to Martha. Last year, she got a new car that is totally computerized. Now, Martha is not only low tech, she's no tech. As she was driving home one day, a fuse blew and she could neither get the electronic windows down nor the doors unlocked. She was stuck. At the toll booth, she yelled that she couldn't pay, and why. The clerk finally waved her through. When she arrived home, the only thing to do was crawl out through the sunroof. Martha is a robust woman. She took off her winter coat and shoes, and to her neighbor's astonishment, squeezed through the roof. Her white blouse was ruined, her jacket was missing two buttons. She had a $37.50 dry cleaning bill. "Now, I always keep extra fuses in the glove compartment," she said. Before that, Martha had a beloved Audi. Five times the radio was stolen, and five times she replaced it. Finally, she refused. Some punk left a note on the windshield: "Hey -----, when ya gonna replace the radio?" That did it. Martha bought a Mercedes because, she was told, no one messed with them since they were diesel. She loved that car, except in freezing weather when she had to plug the engine in during the night. She used a cord that ran out the basement window to the car's motor. "The next morning, as I'm driving out, my car feels like I'm pulling something," she says. That "something" turned out to be the basement window. Martha had forgotten to unplug the car. Finally, there's the time she was eating a bag of Oreos while driving home. She had gotten a quarter, a nickel and a dime out for the toll. Instead, she threw out a nickel, a dime - and an Oreo. A state trooper pulled her over. "Lady," he said, "you just ran the exact change line." Martha, who sudddenly realized she had a quarter - and not an Oreo - in her mouth, said: "Officer, you're not going to believe this..." She was right. He didn't. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you see all of the animal rights activists protesting the wearing of fur in New York a couple of weeks ago? Did you notice how many of these people were wearing leather shoes? While it is true that the protesters are also screaming that the steel jaw traps are a form of cruelty to animals, shouldn't they be talking to the goverment and bitching at the trappers? Let's hassle people that wear the furs! Good idea! In my opinion, these people are a bunch of jerks with an overdeveloped puppy fixation. Somehow a mink has a greater proximity to some form of humanity than a cow, which makes them set for a good debate with a lot of Hindus. As the immortal group, the Suburbs, once chanted, "I like cows! I like their little cow feet! I like the way they chew their cud!" But so it goes with the these dolts that chant relentlessly outside NYC furriers and spit in the faces of law abiding customers. The animal rights activists seem to be following the trail made by women's rights and civil rights. While I firmly believe in these, I wonder how high the goals of the animal rights activists are. When will suffrage become an issue? Will we some day have to wait at the polls behind a trail of "critters?" Will "Granny" from the Beverly Hillbillys go down in history as a sort of Adolf Hitler? Will our next candidate wear a necklace of corn and dead fish to gain the majority vote? I, for one, should hope not. Somehow, intelligence isn't being taken into consideration in this great animal rights scam--A pig is a hell of a lot smarter than a fox... It's companies like Warner Brothers showing stuttering pigs that give them a bad name. If animal rights becomes a reality, I know that the first thing I will do is personally repay my neighbor for all of the things his "friend" Rover has done all over my lawn. And where should it all stop? Should we have to issue a summons to a fly before swat it? Should we be more careful to see that our dogs receive good educations in the finest obedience schools? Maybe we should use a more reasonable rationale, like the animal rights activists, and only grant rights to animals that fit descriptions such as "pretty", "cuddly", or "furry." In a final request, let me just once see one of these puppy fixated activists try to get "cuddly" with a wild sable... just once... ---------------------------------------------------- From: damartin@sage.LCS.MIT.EDU (David Martin) American Pie --- Hacker Style Long, long, time ago, I can still remember How UNIX used to make me smile... And I knew that with a login name That I could play those unix games And maybe hack some programs for a while. But February made me shiver With every program I'd deliver Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn't take one more spec... I can't remember getting smashed When I heard about the system crash And all the passwords got rehashed The Day That UNIX Died... And I was singing: Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high, The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye." Singin' this'll be the day that I die... This'll be the day that I die Did you write the new games shell And do you have faith in the manual? If b:dennie tells you so... Well, do you believe in UNIX C Can hacking save you memory And can you tell me why vi's so slow Well, I know that you're in love with C 'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B You just kicked off your shoes Man, you cleaned up every kludge! I was a lonely young computer geek With a program due 'most every week But I guess that I was meant to freak The Day That UNIX Died And I was singin: (chorus) Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class The professor really is an ass. But that's not how it used to be... When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12 And user limits could go to hell And there was still space on UNIX C. And while the board was looking 'round The Chancellor brought the budget down The classes were adjourned Evaluations weren't returned And while Huffman read a book by Pohl The CIS board made some prof's heads roll And we wrote programs that weren't whole The Day That UNIX Died And we were singin'... (chorus) Helter skelter in the summer swelter I went in the lab to find some shelter Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!! C stayed up for ten whole days The hackers really were amazed Wonderin' how long it all would last. Well, both the forums were really great Nobody got us all irate We had a stroke of luck The system did not duck 'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean The UNDR-shell was really keen Do you recall what was the scene The Day That UNIX Died And we were singin... (chorus) Our programs were all in one place, UNIX had run out of space With no time left to start again... So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Use every programming trick 'Cause UNIX may soon crash again... And as I watched the system fill My login process would be killed. The system just went down Consternation up at Crown"!!! The hours went on into the night And all that we could do was rite I saw Dennie laughing with delight The Day That UNIX Died And he was singin'... (chorus) I met a girl who sang the blues And I asked her for some stat lab news But she just cursed and said "grow up" I went down through the stat lab door Where I'd learned of UNIX years before But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up And in the halls the students screamed, The majors cried and the hackers dreamed, But not a word was spoken The Vaxes all were broken And the three folks I admire most The Father, Frank, and a.g.'s ghost They caught the last train for the coast The Day That UNIX Died And they were singin... So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high. The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye" Singin' this'll be the day that I die... (with apologies to Don McLean) *start* 16457 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 15 Jun 89 11:42:59 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 4.Q From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "At Hopkins, we have 50% pre-meds and 50% engineers. This leaves 25% for us liberal arts people." ---------------------------------------------------- There were three work crews, each with engineers from Stanford, COrnell, and RIT. Each crew were to install as many telephone poles as they could in one day. At the end of the day, the foreman walks up to the Stanford Engineer. He asks, "How many telephone poles did you put up?" "Twenty Seven" replies the Stanford Engineer. "Excellent!" exclaims the foreman, and he goes to the Cornell Engineer and asks the same question. "Twenty three" replies the COrnell engineer. "Not bad!" acknowledges the foreman and he goes to the RIT engineer, and again asks the question. "Three" was the answer. "You mean," said the surprised foreman, "That the others did twenty seven and twenty three and you ony did three?" "Well, yeah, but look how much they left sticking out!" ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many Argentinians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 9000 and its *their* lightbulb (Remember the Falklands?) Q: How many rock'n'rollers... A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket. ---------------------------------------------------- From Lawrence Block, "When the Sacred Ginmill Closes"-- Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there." ---------------------------------------------------- Now something to wonder about: I ran across this cigarette lighter in a local convenient store that had one of those wind shield things on it, to enable someone to light the thing when it was windy out. The thing was actually adjustable for different wind speeds ie 10mph up to 80mph. What kind of jerk would stand in the middle of hurricane force winds trying to light the damn thing anyhow and what genious engineer designed this thing huh. ---------------------------------------------------- I never realized how extensive technology has become. I have a VCR to record my TV shows, a timer to turn on my lights, and a combination radio-alarm-coffee maker. Yesterday, I called my answering machine. It said, "Sorry Jay, we dont need you anymore". :-) ---------------------------------------------------- "To be or not to be -- that is the square root of 4 B^2." -- Anon. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does fungus come in small groups? A: Because there isn't Mushroom. (Boo Hiss) I'm sorry that was in Spore taste. (Boo Hiss) But I just can't help it if I'm such a Fungi. ---------------------------------------------------- There is a rumor that a recording of someone reading Satanic Verses is being made. There is another rumor that if you play the recording backwards, you will hear the theme to Mr. Ed. ---------------------------------------------------- >From the Book of Lists, Vol ?? (from memory): "Yogi Berra was rushed to the hospital after a baseball struck him in the seventh. X-Rays of his head showed nothing" "Having been on the bench for almost the entire season, XXX is anxious to play in the worst possible way....and that's exactly what he's doing" "A vicious uppercut...and the champ's broken his nose. Looks like the same nose he broke last year" ---------------------------------------------------- Interesting Educational History from 1986 (a la Dave Barry) June 14, 1986: Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the local school district for teaching their children the alphabet, which can be used to form dirty words. ---------------------------------------------------- . . . there are no geniuses, we are all retarded with varying acting abilities. ---------------------------------------------------- I commend to your attention C.E. Hare's compendium The Language of Field Sports. We all know that there is a special group noun for each animal -- a pride of lions, a gam of porpoises, a swarm of locusts, and so on. But how many of us know (I swear I am not making these up) an exaltation of larks, an ostentation of peacocks, or a business of ferrets? . . . which is not to mention the special word for the young of each species, the track or footprint of each species, the cry of each species (did you know that a boar freams?), the excrement of each species (a hart leaves fewmets), the verb for mating for each species, and so on and on and on. ---------------------------------------------------- Colloquium announcement: Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Hand-written note underneath: The last five minutes aren't so hot either. ---------------------------------------------------- - A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. - See the fjords, eat the chocolate, just generally go Berzerk!! ---------------------------------------------------- Ever drive toward the N. J. Turnpike, and see the big yellow sign...... SLOW DOWN GET TICKET I wouldn't want to get a ticket for slowing down! ---------------------------------------------------- In France, at one point, I saw a signpost that looked like: ALL DIRECTIONS ---> <--- OTHER DIRECTIONS ---------------------------------------------------- SPEED ZONE or my favorite NO LITTER $50 FINE I make sure I always carry some litter around with me, JUST in case :-) (The guy who came up with the wording for THAT one, must have come from the "TONTO school of sign design".) ---------------------------------------------------- FINE FOR LITTERING ---------------------------------------------------- You can also find: DANGER SLOW PLANT CROSSING ---------------------------------------------------- Hmmm. Reminds me of Ogden Nash's program regarding the sign CROSS CHILDREN WALK to which he adds, "Cheerful children ride." ---------------------------------------------------- When I were in London, I saw a sign that just amused the hell outta me in the Tube: 'WAY OUT' That's the "Exit" sign. I dunno why I thought it was so funny. ---------------------------------------------------- Then there's the classic sign off of QE1 in Canada. Seldom Seen Road ===> ---------------------------------------------------- A sign in NYC: (They are official and I have seen quite a few of them on the streets of NYC!) DON'T EVEN THINK OF PARKING HERE! ---------------------------------------------------- Some town in Arkansas (hey, it was more than fifteen years ago and I was in fifth grade -- it's tough to remember the details that long) had a sign in one neighborhood that read: CAUTION STREET IS MINED To this day I've always wondered which of the possible meanings was correct. We sure didn't stick around long enough to find out! ---------------------------------------------------- My uncle told me that when he first married my aunt, they decided to go on a vacation. So off they went, driving down the freeway. Every once and a while they would pass a sign that said "Litter Barrel ahead". After a few hours my aunt couldn't stand it any more, so she asked, "Just where is this town 'Litter Barrel' anyway?". ---------------------------------------------------- Or the Vietnamese guy, who must be running for some office in every city because his name is on so many streets: "Ped Xing" ---------------------------------------------------- So. Do SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY grow up to becom SLOW MEN AT WORK? ---------------------------------------------------- Sign on Route 35, in Iowa, headed North: MINNESOTA AHEAD TAKE ALTERNATE ROUTE ---------------------------------------------------- Well, I don't know, but I saw a sign on the freeway this morning that said, SURVEY PARTY AHEAD but when I got there, there wasn't any music and they weren't even serving drinks. ---------------------------------------------------- My sisters were students at Lawrence University in Appleton Wis, and the sign on the exit from the highway to the school read like this: <- Appleton Freedom -> ---------------------------------------------------- In Oregon, there is a town called 'Dufur'. So called because in the days when there used to be wagon trains, the master would say at the end of the day, "I guess this will dufur the day" and they would camp there. Incidentally, the people of that town are known to say: Ask not what Dufur can do for you But rather what you can dufur Durfur! ---------------------------------------------------- Referring back to the funny city names last week, there's a town in Illinois called Metropolis (of Superman fame) where the name of the paper is the Daily Planet and they've erected a statue of Superman in the center of town. The town size, however, is well below the famed Metropolis, at under 10,000. It's the absolute truth though. The town is in Southern Illinois. My aunt grew up there. ---------------------------------------------------- In a WWII prisoner of war camp, a new prisoner arrives and attends his first camp entertainment meeting. An officer is on stage, reading out numbers, "23, 25, 27," each of which is greeted with peals of uproarious laughter. Seeing the bewilderment of the new prisoner, an old hand approaches him and explains that the camp has so many old jokes, they decided to memorize and number tham all. Now, to save energy, all they need do is call out the number to tell the joke. Here is where the two versions differ: 1) The new prisoner thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it for himself. "91, 54, 85," he calls out, as the room fills with hilarious laughter. "Very good!" compliments the old timer, "We've never heard *THOSE* before!" 2) The new prisoner thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it for himself. He memorizes all of the jokes, and is ready for the next entertainment meeting. He gets up on stage and begins to call out, "12, 34, 29," but, much to his dismay, the room remains silent. The old timer approaches him and says, "Son, it's not just the joke, it's how you tell it." ---------------------------------------------------- How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant. ---------------------------------------------------- A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax)..... Chapter: Seven Subject: The SBI Strikes Back Some months later... Luke was feeling rather bored. 3CPU could get to be rather irritating and RS232 didn't really speak Luke's language. Suddenly, Luke felt someone's eyes boring through the back of his skull. He turned slowly to see...nothing. A quiet voice came from somewhere in front of him. "Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you." Luke froze, which was a good thing since his legs were insisting that he run but they weren't likely to be particular about direction. Luke guessed that his odds of getting lost in the dense tree structures were pretty good. Unfortunately, the Bookie wasn't available. "Yes. Very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network interface is totally undeveloped," the voice continued. A small furry creature walked out of the woods as Luke stared on. Whatever was peering at him was certainly small and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come from Alpha Centauri. "Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke. "Frobozz, y'know. Morning, name's Modem. What's your game? Adventure? D&D? Or are you just one of those Apple-pong types that hang around the store demonstrations?" Luke closed his eyes. Perhaps if he couldn't see it, it wouldn't notice him. "H'mm," muttered the creature. "Must use a different protocol. @@@H @@ @($@@@H }"@G$ @#@@G'(o% @@@@@%%H(b ?" "No, no," stammered Luke. "I don't speak EBCDIC. I was sent here to become a UNIX wizard. Must have the wrong address." "Right address," said the creature. "I'm a UNIX wizard. Device drivers a specialty. Or do you prefer playing with virtual memory?" Luke eyed the creature cautiously. If this was what happened to system wizards after years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't sure he wanted anything to do with it. He felt a strange affection for the familiar microcomputers of his home. And wasn't virtual memory something that you got from drinking too much Coke? ---------------------------------------------------- The following appeared in the April 16 edition of "Making It: A Survival Guide for Today" by Keith Robinson: THE WARNING SIGNS OF COMPUTER ADDICTION Case Study: Dave W. "I was hip, trendy, happening. I bought a computer because it looked sexy on my desk at home. I never intended to USE it. "Then, for Christmas, my girlfriend gave me a special program to catalog my compact discs." (picture of software box that reads: cdBASE+ Digital Index for your Digital Music) "It took me a while to figure out how to use it, but soon I was showing it off." (picture of Dave and friend; Dave says: "See? I click on the Shirley MacLaine icon and it displays all my new age CDs!") WARNING SIGN #1: BORING YOUR FRIENDS "After a while, I noticed my way of thinking changed: I wanted structure! I sought new items for my database." (picture of Dave typing away: "Ties: 4 Burgundy, 8 Pink...") WARNING SIGN #2: MAKING EXCUSES TO USE COMPUTER "Before long, I outgrew simply building lists. I craved logic! Flow! I found myself in a computer store, asking how to program!" (picture of "Nerds R Us" computer store, Dave says: "I need to know!") WARNING SIGN #3: HANGING OUT IN GEEK STORES (Picture of salesman speaking to Dave: "The C language is ideal since the machine-independent code is transportable to other systems simply by linking in new I/O routines!") WARNING SIGN #4: YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT "3 weeks later, I had finished my first program." (picture of Dave, saying: "It calculates tire rotation for the Volvo!") "Before I knew it, I was staying up all night, programming." (picture of Dave; wife calls, "Come to bed..."; Dave replies, "One more compile! Just one more!") WARNING SIGN #5: THINKING YOU CAN QUIT ANYTIME "My personal appearance went downhill. I didn't care. My girlfriend left. I lost my job. I didn't care. I had become, yes, a free-lance programmer!" (picture of disheveled Dave in disheveled office, eating a Domino's pizza, answering phone: "Hello, this is Red Eye Software...") (picture of a person walking up to Dave, who is programming away; person says: "Dave, I'm from the Nolan Bushnell Computer Rehabilitation Center. With a brief hospital stay and minor shock therapy, we can break your addiction and..." Dave: "Buzz off, doofus. I cleared $2 million last year." Dave (to phone): "Yeah, Woz, I finished that fax interface:) *start* 16436 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 17 Jun 89 22:40:03 PDT (Saturday) Subject: Life 4.R From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- T-SHIRTS: -What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda. -I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office. -Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours. -The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxie -I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? -Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. -Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness. -If I follow you home will you keep me? -A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine. -Drink wet cement: Get Stoned. ---------------------------------------------------- Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. ---------------------------------------------------- Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! ---------------------------------------------------- Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. ---------------------------------------------------- All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey ---------------------------------------------------- Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary ---------------------------------------------------- Collecting Redundancies: Criminal Lawyers ---------------------------------------------------- A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis- tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" ---------------------------------------------------- The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. 1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2) Lawyers breed faster. 3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings. ---------------------------------------------------- The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue." On hearing that Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down here. And besides, how can fix it when you have all the good engineers?" ---------------------------------------------------- A few years ago, a young gentleman murdered his parents. Did he go to jail? A small law firm took it upon itself to defend the man's right to a fair trial. Well, they did a little more than that. They stalled, they filed motions, they stalled, they entered all manner of "evidence", the asked irrelevent questions, they stalled some more, they misrepresented the claims of the prosecution. In short, they confused the jury. You lawyers know the tricks better than I ever hope to. What was the result? The young gentleman won his case. But, the case isn't all he won. He also received his inheritance, from the aforementioned deceased parents, of over $2 million. How do I know this? My girlfriend was working in the San Mateo police crime lab at the time. She participated in the collection of the evidence for this case. Two of the defense attorneys were sitting at our table at dinner last Tuesday after our hockey game; that's how it came up. They admitted to her (after the case, not Tuesday) that THEY KNEW HE WAS GUILTY! Why am I saying this? I don't mean to condemn all lawyers. There are some well motivated individuals in this profession. I write this to help Mr. Giardina understand why people write "1989 Hunting Rules for Lawyers". (Which I think is amusing.) I understand that the legal system is a horrendous mess, and this does not make it easier for well-intentioned lawyers. But, the lawyers in this case responded to the situation in a manner all too common these days. I think Mr. Giardina's umbrage would be more productively spent on cleaning the wolves out of what would otherwise be a respectable profession. ---------------------------------------------------- US citizen - ET contact legal penalties: I have received requests for the citation which covers the illegal aspects of man-ET encounters. I am quoting here from the enigmatic KRILL document previously posted here. "Dr. Brian T. Clifford (Pentagon) announced 10-5-82 that cases of citizen-extraterrestrial contact were illegal under Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (and adopted 7-16-69, a few days before the first moon landing). The Code specifies up to a year in jail and a 5000 dollar fine. The NASA authorities can examine you to determine if you have been "ET exposed", and can impose an indefinite quarantine which cannot be broken, even by court order." ---------------------------------------------------- This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The poet is anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as confidential". I think that I shall never see a tax form plain e-nough for me. A form that I can understand without a lawyer near at hand to guide this poor benighted me so I won't owe a pen-al-ty. A form that I will not detest or take as more than awful jest. A form with pages I can read and fill out ea-si-ly with speed. Such forms weren't made for fools like me Nor even God, who made a tree. ---------------------------------------------------- Foreigners shouldn't feel bad about people in the States not knowing much about other countries... Hell, there is people in the US that think folks from New Mexico need a passport and a visa to get into this country. The IRS thought that the former governor of New Mexico was a foreign national living outside the U.S. ---------------------------------------------------- When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago), a bunch of us pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money order for $1.49. Then we wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in the name of "Hu Flung Dung, #2 Cresent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and submitted it with a letter saying that the "taxpayer" had found an error in his calculations and was making amends. As if that weren't funny enough, when the IRS receives an amended return *with money*, they are required -- by their own rules -- to continue searching *until they find the original*. Forever. Across the entire country. (They're probably still looking.) ---------------------------------------------------- The U.S. Constitution divides the federal government into three equal branches: 1. Humongous departments set up for purposes that no individual taxpayer would ever in a million years voluntarily spend money on. 2. Humongous departments set up for purposes that probably made a lot of sense originally, but nobody can remember what they are. 3. Statuary This separation of powers creates a system of checks and balances, which protects everybody by ensuring that any action taken by one part of the government will be rendered utterly meaningless by an equal and opposite reaction from some other part. ---------------------------------------------------- A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal with the inhabitants of wherever he is: "Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women." ---------------------------------------------------- [From the World's Best Aussie Jokes] Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was producing their first baby. As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head round the door. "You've a little boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!" Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins. "But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way. Ring back again in a little while." At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough. He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a 3rd baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent. Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score. When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was still going strong: "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck." ---------------------------------------------------- This came form a news clipping someone gave me, don't know what paper it came from. Hope you enjoy. ************************************ NEW FLASH On April 15, the Public Health Department of the State of New Jersey shocked the nation by declaring that television can cause brain damage in rats It based its claim on an exhaustive 10 day study during witch six European brown rats had their cages placed directly in front of a TV receiver that operated 24 hours a day. By the end of the testy period, three of the rats had become chronically aggressive, two had taken to walking on their hind legs, and the sixth just lay in a corner of the cage with his paws covering his eyes. Scientists and health officials from other states have tried to discredit the New Jersey findings, but their attitudes are obviously motivated by professional jealousy. How else can you regard attacks such as "the sample size was too small", "European rats don't understand American television," or " it was a scientifically unbalanced sample; they should have had some black rats and some white rats as well. " These opposing views notwithstanding, the Federal Government is expected to take action any day now. Informed sources say that this will take the form of a complete ban on the sale of television sets, except those people who have a doctor's prescription. Rumors persist, however, that the Government will instead make it illegal for anyone to watch television while sitting in a cage. Regardless of the specifics, any Government action will have a decided effect not only on the television industry, but also on the hundreds of component manufactures who serve it. As if all this isn't enough, our sources tell us the the New Jersey Department of Health is considering using its rats to look into the safety aspects of microprocessors, LED displays, and flat-flexible cable. ---------------------------------------------------- ORAL EXAMINATION PROCEDURE The purposes of an oral examination are few and simple. In these brief notes the purposes are set forth and practical rules for conducting an oral examination are given. Careful attention to the elementary rules is necessary in order to assure a truly successful examination. From the standpoint of each individual examiner the basic purposes of the oral examination are: to make that examiner appear smarter and trickier than either the examinee or other examiners, thereby preserving his self-esteem; and to crush the examinee, thereby avoiding the messy and time-wasting problem of post-examination judgement and decision. Both of these aims can be realized through diligent application of the following timetested rules: 1. Before beginning the examination, make it clear to the examinee that his whole professional career may turn on his performance. Stress the importance and formality of the occasion. Put him in his proper place at the outset. 2. Throw out your hardest question first. (This is very important. If your first question is sufficiently difficult or involved, he will be too rattled to answer subsequent questions, no matter how simple they may be.) 3. Be reserved and stern in addressing the examinee. For contrast, be very jolly with the other examiners. A very efficient device is to make humorous comments to the other examiners about the examinees performance; comments which tend to exclude him and set him apart (as though he were not present in the room). 4. Make him do it your way, especially if your way is esoteric. Constrain him. Impose many limitations and qualifications in each question. The idea is to complicate an otherwise simple problem. 5. Force him into a trivial error and then let him puzzle over it for as long as possible. Just after he sees his mistake but just before he has a chance to explain it, correct him yourself, disdainfully. This takes real perception and timing, which can only be acquired with some practice. 6. When he finds himself deep in a hole, never lead him out. Instead, sigh, and shift to a new subject. 7. Ask him snide questions, such as, "Didn't you learn that in Freshman Calculus?" 8. Do not permit him to ask you clarifying questions. Never repeat or clarify your own statement of the problem. Tell him not to think out loud, what you want is the answer. 9. Every few minutes, ask him if he is nervous. 10. Station yourself and the other examiners so that the examinee cannot really face all of you at once. This enables you to bracket him with a sort of binaural crossfire. Wait until he turns away from you toward someone else, and then ask him a short direct question. With proper coordination among the examiners it is possible under favorable conditions to spin the examinee through several complete revolutions. This has the same effect as item 2 above. 11. Wear dark glasses. Inscrutability is unnerving. 12. Terminate the examination by telling the examinee, "Don't call us; we will call you." ---------------------------------------------------- (This definitely calls for Dave Barry's standard line: "I'm not making this up! But I have the ad in my office if you're a disbeliever.) FROSTY PAWS New The world's first frozen treat for dogs! It's not ice cream, but your dog will think it is. Ever give your dog some ice cream? Then you know how happy your pet can be. But real ice cream isn't good for your dog, because he can't digest the lactose (milk sugar) in dairy products. So now there is "Frosty Paws!" Cold, refreshing and nutritious. With the same creamy texture as ice cream - and a taste dogs really love. You can feel good about giveing your dog a cup of wholesome Frosty Paws. He'll show you how much he loves it - and you! ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16133 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 28 Jun 89 23:38:14 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 4.S From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- May 4th is a wonderful day, it's Star Wars Day. May the 4th be with you. ---------------------------------------------------- ...Defending the truth...is not something one does out of a sense of duty or to allay guilt complexes, but it is a reward in itself. -- Dr. Petr Beckmann ---------------------------------------------------- From: Aviation Digest #138 .....!Your criticism of our product suggests an unsound technical background. ---------------------------------------------------- Item from PC Week 27 March, as reproduced in the PARC TIC Update 7 April: "Of particular importance to the laptop market is the fact that the [Rockwell modem-on-a-chip] RC24-AT's 305-megawatt power requirement is the lowest available to date...The chip's unique AutoSleep mode--under which the chip requires only 37 megawatts of power when inactive--provides further power conservation..." [305 megawatts... hmm... that's only about 1/3 of your average nuclear power plant! Oh well, what's 10**9 between friends? :-)] ---------------------------------------------------- In response to the question: And where do your "facts" come from? I put a plate of milk & cookies out on my back porch before I go to sleep. When I wake up the milk & cookies are gone and there is a file of facts in their place. (With apologies to Roger Zelazny.) ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the kid who wanted a watch for Christmas? His parents let him. ---------------------------------------------------- The following TRUE anecdote is taken from "The Portable Curmudgeon" by Jon Winokur: While Groucho Marx was dining at the Brown Derby, a priest came up to him and said, "Oh, Mr. Marx, I want to thank you for bringing so much joy into the world." Groucho quickly replied, "I want to thank you for taking so much out." ---------------------------------------------------- In the May 5, 1989 issue of _Goldmine_ , the magazine published the winning entries of their "Mis-Heard Lyrics" contest; these are rock and roll lyrics as certain people HEARD them, as opposed to the songs' actual lyrics. Some of the winning entries: -"Paperback Writer": Jon Erdahl thought the title was "Pay for that Chrysler"... -"Material Girl" by Madonna: "we are living in a Cheerios world/ and I am a Cheerios girl"... -"Angel of the Morning" by Merilee Rush: "just smash my Jeep before you leave me"... and: "just brush my teeth before you leave me"... -"La Isla Bonita" by Madonna: "Last night I dreamt of a bagel"... -"More Than A Woman" by the BeeGees: "Bald-Headed Woman"... -"The Girl is Mine" by P. McC and M. Jackson: "that doggone dirty swine"... -"Every Breath You Take" by the Police: "I'm a pool hall ace"... -"Papa Don't Preach" (Madonna again): "Papa John Creach"... ---------------------------------------------------- "Come on people now, pile on your brother Everybody get together, try to mug one another right now." ---------------------------------------------------- I remember once in my bar hangout days when the drunks would HOWL like dogs being butchered when Kenny Rogers would hit the jukebox. Apparently they thought the lyrics were... "You picked a fine time to leeeeeave me Lucielle, with FOUR HUNDRED children, and a crop in the field." :-) Needless to say, if they had four hundred children, their heavy drinking was understandable. Also, I was listening to a local radio station here in the Twin Cities many years ago and heard a local call-in request a woman made... It seems she wanted to hear the song from Delaney,Bonnie & Friends called "I've Got A Never Ending Love For You" With the announcer playing her recorded request as in intro and laughing out loud... she asked to hear "I've Got An Indian Membrane Love For You" I would have NO idea what she thought that song was about. WHATEVER she thought though...she liked the idea enough to call in a request. ---------------------------------------------------- > -"More Than A Woman" by the BeeGees: "Bald-Headed Woman"... ---------------------------------------------------- One that had me puzzled for the longest time was "I'd like to hear some funk get Dixie leopard and mama come and take me by the hand." This killed me primarily because it made no sense whatsoever... ;-) ---------------------------------------------------- I recall a story from Reader's Digest that explained thw origin of Mondegreen. It seems a young man learned a poem by rote of a dashing Scots (I think) lord who was killed by bad guys. The most poignant line of the poem was: "...and they slew Lord Baltimore (or whatever), And Lady Mondegreen." The writer was touched by these two lovers, slain together, lying on the ground brutally massacred, each (obviously) offering their life for the other, and so on. It wasn't until years later, when he saw the poem written out, that he found out that the poem said, "...and they slew Lord Baltimore, and laid him on the green." I think the article was an excerpt from a book called "Pullet Surprises," and included others like "Shirley, Good Mrs. Murphy will follow me all of my days," "I lead the pigeons to the flag" and "O Atom Bomb." (5 points to anyone who can identify all the above). ---------------------------------------------------- I always thought the lyrics to the song "My eyes adored you" were "My eyes of Georgia." Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way. I was at a friend's house and for some *stupid* reason this song was going through my mind. While I was waiting for my friend to finish "logging out", I started singing this song. My friend's mother, who happened to be in the other room, heard me singing and she asked, "Jay, did you say 'My eyes of Georgia'?" And I said, "Yes." Boy. You should have heard her laugh. She had tears running down her eyes (of Georgia :-), she was turning all kinds of colors, she was having trouble breathing. I mean, this lady was Rolling! (I started laughing just because she was laughing. I still didn't know what the hell was going on. I thought it might have been my singing.) After about ten minutes she calmed down and told me why she burst out laughing ---------------------------------------------------- Sweet dreams are made of cheese ---------------------------------------------------- => "Shirley, Good Mrs. Murphy will follow me all of my days," (Surely goodness and mercy will follow me...) => "I lead the pigeons to the flag" and (I pledge allegience...?) ---------------------------------------------------- They don't even have to be popular songs. When my father was a kid, before he could read, he used to stand in church and sing, "There is a bomb in Gilead, That makes a wounded hole..." In case there's anyone out there who isn't a Mennonite, the real situation involves a *balm* in Gilead that makes the wounded *whole*. I really like this one, because the sounds are almost exactly alike, while the meanings are almost exactly opposite. My dad was faintly surprised that they would be singing about stuff like that in church, but, to paraphrase a TV commercial, "Grown-ups have a lot of goofy names for stuff." ---------------------------------------------------- In first grade Catechism class, I was amazed that the answer to the question: "Who is God?" was "God is the String Bean [Supreme Being] that made all things and holds them in existence." ---------------------------------------------------- An ancient (read: I learned in Junior High School) gag is to ask someone if he'd like to hear a knock-knock joke. The typical response (WHY, for God's sake?) is "OK." You say "All right, you start it." Your mark says "Knock, knock." You reply "Who's there?" Your mark stands there feeling stupid. Likely, you've had this pulled on you. Also likely, you've pulled it yourself. Here's an antidote to keep stored in your hindbrain for a bit of one-upmanship on appropriate occasions. Your mark asks you if you want to hear a knock-knock joke. You reply "OK." He says, "All right, you start it." You begin with "Knock, knock." He responds "Who's there?" You immediately reply "Jawzink." Your mark will be off balance now, and after a pause he will ask "Jawzinc who?" You deliver the lethal strike: "Jawzink I was going to fall for that old trick?" ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a Latter Day Saint with LSD? A: A high priest. ----- A member in California went into a store to buy a few things for a Church activity. She had it charged to the LDS Church. She realized the Spanish influence in the area when she looked at the bill and the clerk had written "El Diaz Church". (In Mirthwright in an Ensign a few years back.) ----- My dad was on his mission in Eastern Canada a few years ago. At the time, (it still may exist,) there was an insurance company called, "Continental Life". My dad and his companion were out tracting and they knocked on a door. The lady of the house was around back and came around the corner. Upon seeing the two suited gentleman, she asked, "Continental Life?" My dad's companion replied, "No, Eternal Life." ---------------------------------------------------- Watching your weight? You're probably unaware of the calories you burn up in a typical workday. The following "execises" can be done indoors, alone and often without detection. Beating around the bush....................................75 Jumping to conclusions....................................100 Climbing the walls .......................................150 Swallowing your pride......................................50 Passing the buck...........................................25 Throwing your weight around(depending on your weight)..50-300 Dragging your feet........................................100 Pushing your luck.........................................250 Hitting the nail on the head...............................50 Wading through paperwork..................................300 Bending over backwards.....................................75 Running around in circles.................................350 Climbing the ladder of success............................350 Wrapping it up at day's end................................12 Enjoy execising and let me know the result! :-) ---------------------------------------------------- It's mid December some year, and Norway has had a new ambassador in the USA for about a month. He is, as a matter of fact not only new as ambassador to the USA, he is a novice ambassador of any sort. He is just about getting familiar with his work, but he's not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings.. - Yees..., he says, a bit confused. (His phone hardly ever rings.) - Good morning Mr ambassador. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times. I'd like to know what you want for Christmas present. - Eh , Sveind (Yes, that's his name) said. Christmas present... Eh... I'm very sory Mike, I can't accept any gifts, but tanks anyway. - Yes, of course... I understand, said Mike with a voice telling a deaf he didn't understand at all, Bye then. - Good bye Mike. The day goes a usual. Sveind thought this was a bit unusual, but he soon forgot about it, and went back to the normal ambassadoring. The next morning the phone rings again. - Yes, Sveind speeking. - Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm wondering if you're really serious about what you said yesterday? - Ah.. Helloo... Eh. Yes, unfortunattely I ment it. You see, ve're not allowed to accept personal gifts. They culd be seen at as bribes, and I don't vant to cause any scandall. I'm very sory, but I hope you understand. - Yes, of course.. Sorry... Bye. - Good bye. That was funny, Sveind thought. Didn't he believe what I said. Maybe some missunderstanding. After all my pronounciation isn't the best. The next morning the phone rings again. - Yes, Sveind heere. - Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano again. I supppose you know what I want? - Yes I know vhatt you want, Sveind said, not without irritarion. I thouht I explained vhy I can't accept any gifts. - Yes you did, but I don't think you.... - Yes I understand, Sveind said, quite angrily. I understand perfectly vell. Vhat do you vant relly? Do you vant to get rid of me, or vhat? Anyvay, you von't have any success, I will go strictly by the book. No... Vait a minute. Novv I knovv. I vant a fruit bovl (He is sure a fruit bowl is absolutely harmless, and won't cause any scandal.) - A fruit bowl?? Are you serious?? - Yes. A fruit bovl. Is there anything vrong vith a fruit bovl? - No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe.. - Unusual??. Vell that doesn't matter, does it? - No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye. - Good bye, and eh, Merry Christmas. A few days later, this could be read in the New York Times. WHAT THE FORREIGN AMBASSADORS HERE WANTS FOR X-MAS During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies here, and asking the ambassadors what they want for Christmas. This is the result. EUROPEAN COUNTRIES: Great Britain. Good economic welfare. Western Germany. Even better east-west relations France. Free trade between Europe and USA. Switzerland. Better European cooperation, and better US relations. Sweden. End of the starvation in the third world. Belgium. Better environmental care. Norway. A fruit bowl. Mike Giordano. ---------------------------------------------------- We have to be careful not to put Descartes before the horse. I have often made up a joke which involved describing the concepts of Descartes and Horace, and finally making the judgement: I would, however, put the Descartes before the Horace! ---------------------------------------------------- At Drew University one of our professors is famous for handing out an average of 2-3 dittos per day. The dittos contain class notes, so you spend a lot more time learning then copying things down from the board. In a large class (40 students) passing out 4 sheets on one day can be confusing. It seems we liberal arts students can't deal with it and none of the four stacks will take the same path through the class and often, more time is spent figuring out which dittos you didn't get and why then just getting the dittos. In response to this, this memo was sent out durring the second week of class. -Tom Limoncelli P.S. Yes, this is REAL. * -- Drew's student:teacher ratio is 1:14. 40 students in a class is hard to find. ------------------ cut here --------------------- MEMO TO: CompSci 112 students FROM: Barry Burd RE: Paper passing It has come to my attention that you people don't know how to pass papers around the room. When passing papers, please observe the following simple rules: 1. If you're on an odd-numbered row, please pass papers to the right. If you're the rightmost person in the row, please pass to the rightmost person in the row behind you. 2. If you're on an even-numbered row, please pass papers to the left. If you're the leftmost person in the row, please pass to the leftmost person in the tow behind you. 3. If you're in the last row and, given the above rules, there's no one to pass papers to, then collect the extras and hand them back to me. I'll put the extras in recycling bins. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. ------------------ cut here --------------------- *start* 16425 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 Jun 89 20:21:19 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 4.T From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- What did the traffic lights say to the sports car? Hey! Don't look now, I'm changing. ---------------------------------------------------- The sun-sorched vampire was crawling through the dessert, crying "Blood! Blood!" ---------------------------------------------------- "It was more dangerous to drive away from Three Mile Island than to stay there." -- Dr. Bruce Ames. ---------------------------------------------------- >Why is it when you misplace something, it is always in the last place >you look?? It isn't ... I have a friend who keeps looking after he finds things, just to annoy people who ask that question. ---------------------------------------------------- In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him. ---------------------------------------------------- "Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense." Mark Twain ---------------------------------------------------- A police officer arrived at the scene of an accident, and was greeted by an overturned car with a gory mess all over the windscreen. Realizing he was out of his league, he called for an ambulance, and then slowly walked over to the car. "Are you all right in there?" he called, not expecting an answer. A head popped out of the car's window. "Yeah, I'm fine," the man said, "but the pizza sure is a mess." ---------------------------------------------------- A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!" ---------------------------------------------------- A man applied for a job, and was asked "What has 5 fingers, and is made of leather?", to which he replied he didn't know. The answer was a glove! He was then asked "What has 10 fingers and is made of leather?" to which he replied he didn't know, and was told the answer was two gloves. The third and final question was "Who sits on the throne of England?" and after some thought the man replied "Aha, I know - three gloves!". ---------------------------------------------------- In the olden days, in Japan, it was traditional for an insult to be accompanied by the throwing of and egg, the older the egg, the worse the smell, the graver the insult. This tradition became ritualised, and it was a matter of honour for the egg to be deflected without breaking, thereby lessening the insult. Eventually the supply of bad eggs could not keep up with demand, and this traditional ritual has come down to us today, without the armour and the smell of the eggs. Apart from the stylised movements, the only link with the old tradition is the name of the ritual, which conveys the sound of the eggs hitting the armour, and the resultant smell, or "Kung Phew". ---------------------------------------------------- A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it, and have all the time they need. The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume. The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures. And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball, and looks it up. ---------------------------------------------------- Once the devil overheard a poor young indian who was bemoaning his fate upon the reservation. The devil waited until he was done complaining and made him an offer. "I'll solve your problems and make you happy beyond your wildest dreams. All you have to do, is answer two questions truthfully." The redman, being honest to a fault, figured that this would be easy so he agreed to the bargain. The devil said "Here's the first question, Do you like eggs?" The indian allowed as to how he was very partial to eggs (western talk for yes). The devil then made him rich, and educated and happy beyond his wildest dreams. He also told him about the rest of the bargain "If you fail to answer the second question truthfully when I ask it I get your soul!" and he disappeared in a flash of smoke. Forty years later, the indian was walking down the streets on New York, on his way from his townhouse to a play he wanted to see when he met an old-old indian in a blanket. The old fellow said "How!" and the happy indian said "Over-easy!" ---------------------------------------------------- 1> A friend was telling me that one month her water bill was unusually high. It puzzled her for a while till one night she woke up and heard the water running in the bathroom. When she got up to investigate, she found that her cat had learned how to flush the toilet and was sitting on the can flushing away, over and over, watching the water go down the bowl. 2> A different friend (I don't have a cat but lot's of friends who do :-) has a cat that knows how to ring the door bell. Took him a while to figure that one out. The bell would ring, he would answer the door, nobody there. "probably just some kids". After a while he noticed that the cat ran in after the bell rang. He soon figured out that the cat found out that the door opened when someone rang the bell. Pretty smart, eh? ---------------------------------------------------- >I would be curious to see what the creative minds of rec.humor could >come up with. How about the following?: A fool and his money are never around when you need them. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. The early worm gets the bird. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. He who laughs, lasts. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. A bird in the hand can get quite messy. A penny saved won't buy anything these days. ---------------------------------------------------- reminds me of an incident that occured to my friend. An law enforcement officer pulled him over, takes his liscence, registration, etc. Officer: "How long have you been driving?" friend: "About twenty minutes, why?" Needless to say, that wasn't what the officer meant, and he wasn't in a good mood... ---------------------------------------------------- One day Mrs. Smith opened up her refrigerator and saw, quite to her surprise, a gerbil reclining on the top shelf, almost asleep in the refrigerator. "What are you doing in my refrigerator?" she asked. The gerbil replied, "Well, this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?" "Well, yes," said Mrs. Smith. And the gerbil said, "Well, I'm westing!" ---------------------------------------------------- Letterman's Top 10 - 5/9/89 Copied without permission. Top 10 Things Overheard at the Panamanian Elections. 10. "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in the drug traffic. 9. "A puppet government? The kids should enjoy that." 8. "We better just forget about our extensive plans to fix the election boys -- Jimmy Carter is here!" 7. "Porque' Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?" 6. "How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the ballot?" 5. "With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to project a winner." 4. "The guy who played Ringo looked just like him. (Sorry, that was heard at the Beatlmania concert, not the Panamanian election.) 3. "Sorry for the confusion Miss Collins, but we're having really big ELECTIONS down here." 2. "Congratulations! You chose Pepsi." 1. "A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!" ---------------------------------------------------- David Letterman's Top Ten List for May 12, 1989 Top Ten Panamanian Tourist Slogans. 10. Lead pipe fever -- Catch it! 9. Our swaggering pock-marked dictator has balloons for the kids! 8. You can sell your home movies to the nightly news. 7. Small, low-flying, unmarked planes leave every hour. 6. If professional wrestling were a country. 5. Boy -- that Ayatollah is nuts, isn't he? 4. Over 3 million beaten. 3. Have lots of fun saying "isthmus." 2. What -- like nobody was ever killed at Disneyworld? 1. The opposite of civilization! ---------------------------------------------------- To prove its point that a proposed asphalt plant near a Garner, NC, Nabisco bakery would not be harmful, Rea Construction Co. sponsored a blind taste test of Chips Ahoy and Ritz crackers - regular versus some suspended in a net inside an asphalt plant's exhaust stack. The suspended cookies were judged tastier. ---------------------------------------------------- Hmm ... a former Prime Minister of Canada (Pierre Trudeau, if you want to know) had a son born at Christmas time. He named him Justin, which was short for "Just in time for Christmas". Or at least that's the common explanation for where he got the name. It seems quite possible, coming from Trudeau. ---------------------------------------------------- VENDING MACHINE FIGHTS BACK _______ _______ ______ ____ LAWRENCE, Kan.(AP) -- A man rocking a vending machine that failed to release a can of soda was fatally injured when the machine fell on him, authorities said. Lance Foster, 23, a University of Kansas student from Stillwater, Okla., died Sunday while undergoing surgery for injuries suffered in the Saturday accident, said Lt. Jeanne Longaker of the university police. Foster told police he put 50 cents in the machine and began rocking it back and forth when the machine did not release a can of soda. Other students heard the noise and were able to lift the machine off of Foster, Longaker said. Foster was taken to a Lawrence hospital and transported to the medical center where he died. ---------------------------------------------------- Definitions of cooking terms (These are from my brother-in-law, Bob Ekstrom, in Pitt, MN:) tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of. porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid", "hORRId" and "sluDGE". preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed. oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint. ---------------------------------------------------- ======================= =TOP 40 PARTY COLLEGES= ======================= a ranking by those who know best-the students themselves- of the nation's most dedicated good-time campuses compiled by Wayne Duvall [Playboy Jan. `87, pgs. 173-177] typed in by Jason Scott 12/3/86-12/5/86 Yes, it's cleanup time. Drinking-age limits have been raised, AIDS is scaring the bejesus out of casual sex and recreational is, thankfully, being cracked down on. All to the good, we say. But, we wondered, how are college students reacting? Are campuses really turning into monastaries? Or is there a parallel universe out there where kids are doing what kids have always done? We decided to poll the undergraduates themselves. Not the freshmen who've already decided which investment bank they're going to interview for-this was SOCIAL research, folks. Over a six-month period, we interviewed campus club leaders, dorm rush chairmen, fraternity presidents and other campus social lights at more then 250 colleges nationwide and asked them if the partying was really over. The answer, from California to Rhode Island, was "Hell, no!" We were innundated with candidates for leading party schools and then compiled this list of the top contenders. So here, as a reminder that life goes on even in solemn times, is the definitive ranking of fun schools as selected by the students. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3. SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY, San Diego: The most beautiful women in Californiaand the place that made the beach part legendary. "School is a nice thing to do between parties." 8. PLYMOUTH STATE COLLEGE, Plymouth, New Hampshire: Chock-full of phys-ed majors and future nail pounders. "Instead of doing something constructive, we party." 10. UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA, Charlottesville: Home of the Tilkas-the exclusive and honorable society (circa 1800s) made up of the best drinkers on campus. "If you come here, you're expected to party." 18. BALL STATE UNIVERSITY, Muncie, Indiana: It may be small, but it boasts a girl-to-guy ratio that men love. Students also have party-till-you-can't se bashes. "If you need a place to fall into the gutter, this is it." 21. UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, College Park: This school IS the town, and thi town rocks. "We don't know where we're goin' after we graduate, 'cause we don't know when we're graduatin'." 22. UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI, University: Rich kids who have mint-julep-on-the-veranda parties. "They call us the country club of the South." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ COOLEST TEACHER AND COURSE Who says school can't be fun? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FAVORITE PARTY TEACHERS: * The econ prof in the South who reguarly cuts his own class to play golf. * The business-law prof in the Southwest who supposedly teaches frats how to "get around the law..." * The teacher in a Rhode Island campus who - clad in leather - rides a Harley-Davidson chopper into the classroom. On Halloween, grad assistants carry him to class in a coffin. FAVORITE PARTY COURSES: * The Midwestern college oceanography course, "that's had the same test for ten years." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ BEST PARTY CAMPUS TRADITIONS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ GLASSBORO STATE: Taping kitchen utensils to athletes' bodies. (Why? "Oh, it' just something to do.") MICHIGAN STATE: The Ugliest Male Contest - A charitable fund-rasing event. MIT: These techies like to drop rubber balls and pumpkins from the roofs of tall buildings - just like Galileo and Letterman. PLYMOUTH STATE: Medieval Forum Festival- "People spend a weekend running around in tin cans and tights. They look uglier than a can o smashed frogs." UNIVERSITY OF CONNECTICUT: Cow Tipping - freshmen kneel next to a cow while cronies tip it over. *start* 14782 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 Jun 89 20:25:49 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 4.U From: Cate3 To: Cate3 Good ol' Murphy ---------------------------------------------------- ACTION'S LAW Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely. ALBRECHT'S LAW Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being. ALLEN'S (or CANN'S) AXIOM When all else fails, read the instructions. BOREN'S FIRST LAW When in doubt, mumble. BO DIDDELEY'S OBSERVATION ON THE LAW: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him. BOVE'S THEOREM The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. BOWIE'S THEOREM If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. BRILLIANT'S OBSERVATION ON MODERN ART: Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad. BRILLIANT'S LAW OF LIMITED AMBITION: If you can't learn how to do it well learn how to enjoy doing it poorly. BROOK'S LAW Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money. CANN'S (or ALLEN'S) AXIOM When all else fails, read the instructions. CARLSON'S CONSOLATION Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example. CLARKE'S THIRD LAW Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. COHN'S LAW The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. CONWAY'S LAW In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. LAW OF CONTINUITY Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. CORRESPONDENCE COROLLARY An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. CROPP'S LAW The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office. CUTLER WEBSTER'S LAW There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. DEADLINE-DAN'S DEMO DEMONSTRATION The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one. DEMIAN'S OBSERVATION There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE". DENNISTON'S LAW Virtue is its own punishment. DOW'S LAW In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. DR. CALIGARI'S COME-BACK A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup. ESTRIDGE'S LAW No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it. FINAGLE'S LAWS 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it. 4) No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. FINAGLE'S RULES: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 5) Program results should always be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. 6) Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. FINAGLE'S LAW OF GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge. FINAGLE'S LAW OF MILITARY SUPERIORITY: The bigger they are The harder they hit. FINSTER'S LAW A closed mouth gathers no feet. FIRST RULE OF HISTORY History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. FLO CAPP'S OBSERVATION: The next best thing to doing something smart is not doing something stupid. FRANKLIN'S RULE Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed. GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. GINSBERG'S THEOREM 1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't even quit the game. GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. GOEBEL'S LAW OF USELESS DIFFICULTY: Just because it's hard Doesn't mean it's worth the effort. GOEBEL'S SECOND LAW OF USELESS DIFFICULTY: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing. GOEBEL'S LAW OF COMPUTER SUPPORT: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done but it is neither EASY nor PLEASANT. GOEBEL'S LAW OF SOFTWARE COMPATIBILITY: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine. GOEBEL'S THEOREM OF SOFTWARE SCHEDULES: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle. GOEBEL'S LAW OF PRODUCT INTRODUCTIONS: A future product release date does NOT say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance in HELL of seeing it before that time. GOEBEL'S OBSERVATION ON UTOPIA: If everyone believed in Peace They would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it. GOEBEL'S LAW OF INTELLECTUAL OBSCURITY: WHAT FUN IS IT TO BE AN EXPERT IF YOU MAKE YOURSELF EASY TO UNDERSTAND? THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES Whoever has the gold makes the rules. GOLD'S LAW If the shoe fits, it's ugly. GORDON'S FIRST LAW If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well. GOVERNMENT'S LAW There is an exception to all laws. GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. GUMMIDGES'S LAW The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. GUMPERSON'S LAW The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. HANLON'S RAZOR Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. HARP'S COROLLARY TO ESTRIDGE'S LAW Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment. HARRISON'S POSTULATE For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. HELLER'S LAW The first myth of management is that it exists. HINDS' LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING 1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROGRAMS Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out. HUBBARD'S LAW Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. JENKINSON'S LAW It won't work. JOHNSON-LAIRD'S LAW Toothache tends to start on Saturday night. LARKINSON'S LAW All laws are basically false. THE LAST ONE'S LAW OF PROGRAM GENERATORS A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator. LIEBERMAN'S LAW Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens. LYNCH'S LAW When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM The one day you'd sell you soul for something, souls are a glut. MAY'S LAW The quality of correlation is inverely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) MENCKEN'S LAW There is always an easy answer to every human problem -- neat, plausible, and wrong. MESKIMEN'S LAW There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. MUIR'S LAW When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. MURPHY'S LAWS 1) If anything can go wrong, it will (and at the worst possible moment). 2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. MURPHY'S FOURTH LAW If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS Things get worse under pressure. NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. NIXON'S THEOREM The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. NOLAN'S PLACEBO An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION No matter where you are, there you are. O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN Cleanliness is next to impossible. OSBORN'S LAW Variables won't, constants aren't. O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW Murphy was an optimist. PARKINSON'S LAW Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. PARKINSON'S LAW, MODIFIED The components you have will expand to fill the available space. PEER'S LAW The solution to a problem changes the problem. PETER'S PRINCIPLE In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence. THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. PUDDER'S LAW Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) RHODE'S COROLLARY TO HOARE'S LAW Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free. ROBERT E. LEE'S TRUCE Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement. RUDIN'S LAW In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. RULE OF ACCURACY When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer. RYAN'S LAW Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. SATTINGER'S LAW It works better if you plug it in. SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. SHAW'S PRINCIPLE Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. SNAFU EQUATIONS 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves. STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. THOREAU'S THEORIES OF ADAPTATION 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature! THYME'S LAW Everything goes wrong at once. THE LAW OF THE TOO SOLID GOOF In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately. UNNAMED LAW If it happens, it must be possible. WEILER'S LAW Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work. WEINBERG'S COROLLARY An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. WEINBERG'S LAW If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. WHITEHEAD'S LAW The obvious answer is always overlooked. WILCOX'S LAW A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. WOOD'S AXIOM As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails. WOODWARD'S LAW A theory is better than its explanation. ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. LAWS OF PROJECT MANAGEMENT 1. No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, with the staff that started it. Yours will not be the first. 2. Projects progress quickly until they become 90 percent complete, then they remain at 90 percent complete forever. 3. One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 4. When things are going well, something will go wrong. When things just can't get any worse, they will. When things appear to be going better you have overlooked something. 5. If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress. 6. No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system inevitably introduce new bugs that are even harder to find. 7. A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long. 8. Project teams detest progress reporting because it vividly manifests their lack of progress. *start* 17105 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 Jun 89 20:39:44 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 4.V From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- News flash from DARKEST AFRICA: "Big Game hunter lost in bush. It is feared that something he disagreed with ate him." ---------------------------------------------------- According to Harpers Index, sales of California Raisin(tm) merchandise in North America topped $450 million last year. Sales of actual California raisins were only $400 million during the same period. ---------------------------------------------------- Then there's always the proverb "A fool and his money are soon parted." What I'd like to know is how a fool and his money got together in the first place? ---------------------------------------------------- Fusion: Looney Theory of the Week "Hey Mike?" "Yeah, Gabe?" "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." "I thought you fixed that last century!" "No, no, not that. Someone's found a loophole in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." "Blessit! Lemme check..." "Hey, I thought I fixed that! All right, let me find my terminal." "There, that ought to patch it." ---------------------------------------------------- From the Monday, May 15, 1989 L.A. Times Sprots Section, Morning Briefing; A difficult trick: Have you heard the one about the baseball announcer who was having trouble with his wire machine in the press box? It was giving him wrong scores and wrong names all night. Finally, he said, "Now look at this. Felton started the game in Minnesota and now they've got him relieving himself on the mound." ---------------------------------------------------- "I'm opposed to millionares, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position" -Mark Twain ---------------------------------------------------- "Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book." (Cicero) ---------------------------------------------------- This story was told to me by a family friend who is an Illinois State Trooper. One day He was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. He placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still atop his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says "No thanks, I just bought some." ---------------------------------------------------- The Prof. enters the classroom, looks around and bids his charges a hearty 'Good Morning!'. The freshmen respond with 'Good morning, Professor!'... ..the sophs mutter 'Morning!'...the jrs. grunt..the seniors simply write down the Prof's greeting in their notes. ---------------------------------------------------- One of the new hires was assigned to the Space Flight Operations Fac. tape library and told her job would be to erase tapes that were returned by the user community. She was given a boxful of the usual desk-stuffers and a cart of tapes to work on. Amongst the former was a bulk de-res'er..the poor girl had never seen one. Four hours later, someone checked back on her and found that she was using a "Pink Pearl" on every inch of the oxide! ..she'd done two and was working on a third! ---------------------------------------------------- A couple friends from Toronto tell the tale of a few Prof's from UoToronto who were on a fishing trip way down south, Louisiana or some such state. In a fashion reminescent of us ugly yanks, one Prof forgot to change any money from Canadian Tutti-Fruity backs to US GreenBacks. When it came this profs turn to buy groceries, he finaly realized this. Naturaly, he realized it at the checkout as he opened his wallet. Nothing Ventured, Nothing lost, he counted out the amount of money that the clerk requested, and handed it over. The clerk looked at the Tutti-Fruity backs, looked at the Prof, and said "Canada? Is that a State?" The Prof deadpanned: "Yeah, Just got admitted." "OK", says the clerk, and took the money at even exchange. ---------------------------------------------------- Dave Barry on Coleman Lanterns: The Coleman gasoline-powered lantern is the light source favored by outdoorspersons everywhere, because you can depend on it, year in and year out, no matter what the weather, to fry your retinas like pork rinds. This light is so bright that commercial aircraft will routinely attempt to land on your campsite. Go to any popular wilderness at night and you'll see Coleman-blinded outdoorspersons, unable to see anything except their own lanterns, staggering around, bonking into trees and knocking over their chemical toilets, to the great delight of onlooking woodland creatures wearing sunglasses. ---------------------------------------------------- There were three guys new on the job. The job was crushing rocks - BIG rocks! The first guy was a real big, husky black guy. The supervisor told him to pick up the rocks and put them on the conveyor. The second guy was a somewhat smaller, leaner Mexican guy. He told him to stand up at the top of the conveyor and make sure the rocks kept going in a straight line and did not jam up. Now, the third guy was a little bitty Chinese guy. The supervisor looked at him and thought to himself, "What am I going to do with this little guy? He can't pick up any rocks, and he can't undo a jam - I know!" He told the Chinese guy that he could be in charge of Supplies. OK. Around quitting time, the supervisor told the Black guy and the Mexican guy what good jobs they had done. All the rocks for the day got put on the conveyor and none jammed - and they all got crushed. But, "Where's the little Chinese guy? I haven't seen him all afternoon." The other two told him they saw him go into the cave over there right after lunch. All three crept into the cave - no Chinese guy. It was pretty dark in there, but they kept going further and further. Still no Chinese guy. They had about decided to leave when the Chinese guy jumped out and stooped down with his hands in the air, and yelled "SUPPLIES"!!!!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers: Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envolope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envolope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envolope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: ``Port Left Starboard Right'' ---------------------------------------------------- The following has been culled from the business pages of the New York Times (Thursday, 5/11). I can't stand the thought that anyone might miss it, so I've posted it quite widely. And I quote: " CHEVY'S ANSWER TO FORD's TAURUS ... Chevy is delivering what it hopes will be its most powerful punch of the decade. Last month Chevy began selling its Lumina midsized sedan, a vehicle aimed straight for the heart of the huge United States market for four-door family cars, where the Ford Motor Company has conquered ground so effectively since 1966 with the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable. ... General Motors is not counting on technological wizardry or styling breakthroughs to win over customers from Ford. Rather, it is putting its hopes on an innovative marketing campaign that calls on Micky Mouse and the rest of the Disney stable to help sell the car. ... "We were afraid people might be offended by Mickey and Minnie asking them to spend as much as $14,000 for a car," [a GM executive] said. "But our testing showed that Mickey and Minnie brought tremendous believability to our product. ... Disney characters are very powerful." End of quote. Warning and assurance: this is real. I don't know what I can add at the moment. Except, maybe, to quote a line from Bob Dylan: "Is there some way outta here?" ---------------------------------------------------- AP 1/23 11:22 EST a0543 ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- A man who wrote a holdup message on the back of his probation-parole card and then left it behind was arrested as he prepared to board a bus next to the police station, officials said. "He wasn't real sharp," police investigator Dave Griffin said of Terry Wilson. The note on the back of Wilson's probation-parole card identified him. In thursday's incident, a man stepped up to a Sun Bank teller with a holdup note. According to police officer Rick Epperson, it read: "Give me all your money or else I'll shoot you. Bang!" The teller handed over some cash and the man fled. Wilson, 30, was caught minutes later at a bus station a few blocks from the bank, next to the police station. Wilson, whom police described as a transient, was buying a bus ticket to Fayetteville, N.C., when police found him. Bank spokesman Ted Rybicki said there were no injuries and only "a nominal amount" taken in the robbery was recovered. ---------------------------------------------------- THE FIFTY-FIRST STATE from "Nothing Could Be Finer Than A Crisis That Is Minor In The Morning" by Charles Osgood Without getting into the pros and cons of whether New York City should split off from New York State and become the fifty-first state, let us assume for a moment that all the constitutional obstacles have been overcome and all the steps taken and that New York City is a state. There are several immediate questions: What will the name be? What will the state motto be? The state song? What will the state flag look like? What will we call this place, the fifty-first state formed from the eight million people in the five boroughs of New York? In a recent mayoral election, when Normal Mailer and Jimmy Breslin were running for city office on a secessionist platform, they suggested calling the new state New York. The rest of what is now New York would then be known as Buffalo. There are various nominations for the state bird. But of these, the most logical would seem to be the pigeon (and possibly, in summer, the fly). For state tree the lamppost is the only entry. Although flowers do not exactly abound on the sidewalks of New York, you have to have a state flower. And there are, after all, a lot of privately supported flowerpots. Cannabis sativa seems a likely choice. However, it would be sort of embarrassing to have a state flower that is illegal. For mascot or state animal, some have proposed the rat. However, the dog, for reasons apparent to anybody who doesn't look where he's walking, is an equally appropriate choice. State song? How about "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by Kern, "Help!" by the Beatles, or, as one mugger suggested, "I'm Walking Behind You." State nickname? The welfare State. Or maybe The State of Confusion. State seal? Picket lines rampant on a field of litter. Or maybe crossed tow trucks d'argent on a field of potholes noir. State flag? Black and blue, maybe. Or crossed purposes in red ink. State capital? Canarsie...Flatbush... State motto, when New York becomes a state, could be "It's a nice place to visit, but..." However, in keeping with tradition, let us stick to Latin: "Semper Taxus", "Illegitimus non Carborundum"? The one I like is "Sic Transit". Never mind "Gloria Mundi", it's no more glorious here Monday than any other day of the week. No question about it, before New York City does become the fifty-first state, there are an awful lot of things to think about. ---------------------------------------------------- *** NERDITY TEST, SQUID VERSION *** --- All technicalities count! --- # sampled: 44 mean: 58.39 std: 14.99 range: 25-84 SELF-GRATIFICATION 1. Have you ever seen an hp? 2. Touched an hp? 3. Owned an hp? 4. Fondled an hp? 5. Pushed the hp's button? 6. Have you ever done homework that's not yours? 7. Done homework over the phone? 8. Read or bought any explicit mathematical materials? 9. Read or bought technical journals (for the pictures, not the articles)? KNOW THYSELF 10. Can you read faster than 2400 baud? (extra point if over 9600 baud) 11. Have you ever worn a pocket protector? 12. Have you ever examined a log table? 13. Touched a log table? 14. Thought about it's design and possible function? 15. Manipulated trig identities? 16. Experienced Galilean transformation? 17. Experienced Lorentzian transformation? 18. Do you speak/use more than 5 languages? (Computer languages count) 19. Done mathematical induction? 20. Do you have a floppy disk? 21. A hard disk? 22. A flying disc (frisbee)? 23. Have you ever experimented with more than one thermodynamic law in the same day? 24. Have you ever integrated by parts? 25. Used the right-hand-rule? 26. Been motivated by quest for knowledge? 27. Been motivated by quest for money? 28. Experienced an E-field and a B-field? 29. Never scored below average in a test? 30. Do you wear glasses? (contacts and sun glasses do not count) 31. Have you ever integrated in a teacher's presence? 32. Changed your major because of a class. 33. Been forced to do RPN by a member of the opposite sex? 34. Enjoyed it so much you considered quitting school? 35. Fantasized about a non-linear least-squares-fit? SKILLS OF WHICH WE DO NOT KNOW 36. Have you ever integrated an equation with discontinuities? 39. Integrated to success? 40. Integrated to excess? 41. Used a CRC? 42. Used a CRC within the last week? 43. Used a CRC more than 5 times in one night or one continuous sitting? 44. Used frictionless surfaces, massless strings or pulleys for other than their specified purpose? 46. Skipped class for the sole purpose of studying? 47. Completed homework at least one week in advance? 48. Used a harmonic oscillator? 49. Found its period? 50. Blown your own glassware? 51. Never used an ammeter in parallel or a voltmeter in series? 52. High scored a test? NERD BONDING 54. Have you ever tasted a solution? 55. Tasted a supersaturated solution? 56. Tasted your friend's supersaturated solution? 57. Tried titration? 58. Titrated in a public place? 59. Titrated your friend's solution? 60. Missed the equivalence point? 61. Written up the experiment? 62. Faked the results? 63. Talked about binomial expansion to a person of the oppisite sex? 64. Attended a seminar? 65. Enjoyed it? 66. Have you graded? 70. Have you memorized Newton's Laws. 71. Have you ever put an object in motion? 72. Did it stay in motion? 73. Have you ever been attracted to a large body? 74. Used physics as a pick-up, get-to-know-better routine on someone. 75. Done homework in a group greater than 10 people? 76. Have you experienced acceleration ( F over m )? 77. Known a person who was admittedly into AC/DC (Analog Conversion / Digital Conversion)? SKILLS OF WHICH WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW 78. Have you ever gotten DE's from a friend? 79. Done P-Chem after 2am? 80. Never done a re-do/re-write? 81. Taken the nerdity test more than 5 times? 82. Lied on the nerdity test? 83. Given someone else a nerdity point? 84. Been mathematically motivated? 85. Exaggerated about any mathematical event? (kludging on math homework counts) 86. Graphed a saddle point? 87. Graphed a monkey seat? 88. Engaged in Fourier with the intension of differentiating? KINKY STUFF 91. Double majored? (or even thought about it) 92. Pulled more than 3 consecutive all-nighters? 93. Been in lab for more than 5 hours straight? 94. Differentiated by definition for more than 1 year. 95. Differentiated with the chain rule? 96. Been into E & M? 97. Chemical bondage? 98. Rigorous mathematical proofs? 100. Purposely scheduled a Friday lab? *start* 17491 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 5 Jul 89 21:14:25 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 5.1 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- This is a bit old, but i'v just finally got around to mailing it. Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, was quoted in "The Technique," Georgia Tech's newspaper, last November (after the computer worm hit the net): "It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus." ---------------------------------------------------- Seen on a Chevy: On a quiet night, you can hear the old Fords rust. Seen on a Ford: Friends don't let friends drive Chevys. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: WHAT'S THE BEST THING THAT COMES OUT OF TEXAS? A: I-35 ---------------------------------------------------- Q:Could you please tell me what world the United States is in ? Q:And while you're at it woodja tell me what state the World is in ? ---------------------------------------------------- I called our company operator and asked her if she could give me the area code for Washington, D.C. She replied, "What state is that in, Sir?" ---------------------------------------------------- About 20 years ago, I heard a weatherman on a Detroit tv station say... "...and northward, in the Canadian states...." ---------------------------------------------------- A feeling common to most Canadians is that Americans, when met individually, can be so likable, while the country as a whole is not. The American I liked best in my travels about Europe was the young man I encountered one day at the Acropolis as tourists scrambled to record that crowning achievement high above smoggy Athens. He was standing outside the Parthenon, offering to operate the cameras carried by an endless series of puffing couples in pastels and pinks. He had grown so ashamed of the gaucheness and vulgarity of his fellow Americans throughout Europe that he decided the Parthenon -- the site of the photograph of a lifetime for Madge and Henry -- was the spot for revenge. He took all their pictures for them -- while carefully cutting off their heads or including only their feet. He cackled as he imagined all those tourists, safely back home in Iowa or Louisiana, finding out when the drugstore returned their Kodak prints that a saboteur with the same passport had betrayed them. ---------------------------------------------------- This is a true story. A couple of years ago, a Belgian friend of mine took his brother to see Yellowstone Park. Now, my friend had spent some time in the U.S., so he understood English pretty well, but his brother had some difficulty. They were looking at a geyser, and they wanted to take a picture (make a photo) of it with the name of the fountain in the picture. The brother walked around the fountain to a sign he saw. He then told everyone that this was the "KEEP OFF GEYSER." ---------------------------------------------------- In one of the smaller towns in Texas, a completely new school board was voted into office in the 1988 election. After taking over, they dutifully issued a budget for FY1990, carefully balanced to projected revenues. When the state's Board of Education in Austin asked why they planned to spend NO money on foreign language education that year, the answer was: "We don't hold with new-fangled ways. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it should be good enough for the children of our town." Last I heard, no one from Austin has been able to show them the flaw in their logic. ---------------------------------------------------- I hate to inject some reality here, but "length of coastline" isn't really meaningful. How long a coastline is depends on what size ruler you use to measure it - it's a fractal, and this is one of their amusing properties. Of course, country borders that follow terrain have the same problem - an amusing example is the border between Spain and Portugal - depending on which side you ask, the length of the border differs by almost 50%! ---------------------------------------------------- THATS IT !!! i'm an israeli and hence impartial to all this (except that i LOVE canadians and go there whenever i can to get a taste of civilization). for a yank to laugh at anybody's geography requires NERVE (don't flame, i'm trying to offend you :-)). examples : - bozeman montana, we walk out of a bar and meet these two lively and lovely girls, start talking and finally one announces - "i know why you picked massachusetts !". quit intrigued (i still can't figure out how i got here) i ask why; "because it's right in the MIDDLE of the united states !!!" - a yugoslavian friend gives a lift to two local students. they talk and finally inquire about his accent. he admits his nationality and asks them if they know where yugoslavia is. answer - "in asia ?"... - skiing in vermont i pair up on the lift with a guy from new jersey. again, we talk, i admit my mass. residence and the guy asks - "massachusetts ? is that to the north of vermont ?". ---------------------------------------------------- Ha! That's nothing. My mother is fond of recalling a time at work when the conversation turned to World War II. One co-worker asked my mom "It was Hitler who was the president of Russia during that war, right?", only to receive a look of shocked disbelief from her. Another co-worker pipes up with "No, silly! That was Napoleon, right Galina?" Believe it or not, these two "professionals" had no clue who Mussolini and Stalin were, never mind whose side they were on. ---------------------------------------------------- I read an article in the paper recently, about a Canadian comedian (John Wing Jr.) who was making that big move to the US from Canada. He was lamenting the problems he was having taking his jokes with him, and gave the following example: 'Well, now the Americans are claiming that we used steroids to win the War of 1812!' It seems that most Americans aren't aware that there was a War of 1812. Or that they lost. (To the British,actually. Canada didn't exist at the time.) The joke naturally loses some of its zing when prefaced by a descrip- tion of what the War of 1812 was. ---------------------------------------------------- I don't mind someone sticking a pin into Americans -- that one about "dropping cruise missiles on bits of Alberta" was pretty good -- but some of this stuff is starting to feel more like an axe. I can't believe Americans are the only country whose population includes a percentage of complete dummies. Though I have to admit we have some first-class ones. When I was stationed in Germany in 1975 I went out to formation one clear crisp Spring morning. The sun had not yet risen over the hills; the sky was pale blue, and the full moon was hanging low over the trees. A kid from Missouri named Herbie walked out, looked at the moon, and said: "Germany sure is strange! The moon comes out in the day over here!" My mouth literally fell open. I told myself: He's *got* to be putting me on, nobody's that stupid! I said: "Herbie, you *never* saw the moon come out in the day in Missouri?" "Nope! Doesn't do it, there!" By God, he really *is* that stupid ... PS: I told this story to a girl from Texas once, and she replied: "It doesn't come out in the day in Texas, either." I blinked. This girl had a Master's degree in pharmacy and knew everything about every drug in the world. "Carol," I said with forced patience, "when does the full moon rise?" She stared at me. A mutual friend spoke up: "Sundown." "Oh," she said. "But I don't know as much about astronomy as you do." I blinked again, and had to remind myself that the first time I'd ever been asked that question I had to have it explained to me, too. Felt pretty stupid after it was ... ---------------------------------------------------- "The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten. The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten. The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to." -Chuang Tzu ---------------------------------------------------- Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988. (and it has come in from other sources -ed) A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastary and had dis- mounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?" The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do." The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world." The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third stu- dent, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel." The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming." The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!" ---------------------------------------------------- Some favorite Cheer's lines: I liked the one where Norm walks in and says, "Hello Sammy!" "Hey Norm, want me to draw you a cold one?" "No need for the sketches, Sam, I know what it looks like...." Norm walks into Cheers. Norm: Woody, make sure you stop me after one tonight. Woody: (surprised) Norm: On second thoughts, make it 1:30 A man walks into cheers and orders a tonic water and lime. Sam and the man begin a conversation, and become aquainted. The next day the same man walks in and Sam says to Woody, "Woody, get that man a tonic water and lime." Woody says to the man, "Is that what you want?" "Yes", the man replies. Woody says to Sam, "Wow, how did you know what he wanted." "Because he ordered it yesterday", replies Sam. "Well I'd better hurry up then", says Woody. Dr. Crane: "(Says some famous quote, I don't recall what it was)", Then he says, "Who said that Woody?" Woody: "Who said what Dr. Crane?" Dr. Crane: "(says the famous quote again)" Woody: "Well you said it Dr. Crane." Dr. Crane: "No I mean who said it the first time?" Woody: "Well you said it both times" Dr. Crane: "Never mind Woody" Sam - Hey Norm, how's life in the fast lane? Norm - How should I know? I can't find the on ramp. ---------------------------------------------------- Riddles and puzzles with solutions below What do the following mean? MAN 1) ------- BOARD STAND 2) -------- I 3) R/E/A/D/I/N/G WEAR 4) ------ LONG 5) R ROADS A D S 6) T O W N 7) CYCLE CYCLE CYCLE 8) LE VEL 0 9) -------- B.A. M.D. Ph.D. KNEE 10) -------- LIGHTS 11) II IIII --------- o o CHAIR 12) 13) DICE DICE 14) T O U C H GROUND 15) --------- FEET FEET FEET FEET FEET FEET MIND 16) ------- MATTER 17) HE'S/HIMSELF 18) ECNALG 19) DEATH/LIFE GI 20) --------- C C C C C C 21) J YOU U ME S T 22) SGEG GEGS GSGE EGSG a) A box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid. What am I? b) Alive without breath, as cold as death Never thirsty, ever drinking All in mail, never clinking What am I? c) A man is almost finished building a house. He needs one last item so he goes to a hardware store. He sees the item he needs and has the following conversation with the salesclerk. Man (pointing to item): How much are these? Clerk: 25 cents each. Man: Hmmm, that's 75 cents for one hundred. Clerk: yes. Man: I need fifty-two. Clerk: That'll be 50 cents. What did the man buy? d) Three business men were travelling from somewhere Up North to somewhere Down South and stopped at a motel somewhere In Between. The man at the front desk told them they could have a large room for thirty bucks a night. They each gave the man ten dollars (3X$10=$30). Shortly after they went to thier room the man at the front desk re- alized that he had over charged them; the room was only twenty-five bucks. Soooooo.... he gave the buss boy five one-dollar bills and told him to go give the refund to the businessmen. The buss boy couldn't figure out how to divide five bucks between three men so he pocketed two and gave each man one. That means that each man payed nine dollars (3X$9=$27) and the boy made two dollars. That adds up to twenty-nine dollars ($27+$2=$29). What happened to the other dollar? e) If a plane crashes exactly on the border of the US and Canada, on which side do you bury the survivors? f) A man leaves home and jogs a straight line for so many feet and takes a left turn. He jogs another straight line for so many feet and takes a left turn. He jogs another straight line for so many feet and takes a left turn. As he rounds the corner and is going back home he is confronted by two men in a masks. What just happened? g) What runs forever but never moves? h) Bob and Sally are both found to be dead on the livingroom floor. The window is open, a table is overturned, there is broken glass on the floor, and there's a rather large puddle of water on the floor as well. Questions: (1) Who are Bob and Sally, and (2) How did they die? i) One of the classics: There is an animal that walks on four legs when starting out, two legs later on, and on three legs near the end of its journey. What is the animal? ---------------------------------------------------- NEWS BULLETIN!!! Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex. Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the state-of-the-art fish truck when the trusk struck the clearly-marked building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had thewheel at the time of the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources suggest he has a history of drug abuse. The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard right". The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that thjey ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish. When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable to be dispatched to the scene. On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all species. Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to Washington, DC. ---------------------------------------------------- Solutions: 1) "man overboard" 2) "I understand" 3) "reading between the lines" 4) "long underwear" 5) "crossroads" 6) "downtown" 7) "tricycle" 8) "split level" 9) "degrees below zero" 10) "neon lights" 11) "circles under the eyes" 12) "high chair" 13) "paradise" 14) "touchdown" 15) "6 feet underground" 16) "mind over matter" 17) "he's beside himself" 18) "look back or glance backwards" 19) "life after death" 20) "G.I. overseas" 21) "just between you and me" 22) "scrammbled eggs" a) An egg. b) a fish c) numbers d) The question is asked to mislead, the men paid $27, the hotel got $25, and the boy got $2 e) On the Canadian side: Canada doesn't have the death penalty, so the worst you could get is life in prison for burying people alive. f) He's a baseball player g) a river h) Fish, fishbowl fell i) man *start* 16123 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 5 Jul 89 21:38:46 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 5.2 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "The world is full of people who want to live forever but don't know how to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon." ---------------------------------------------------- On advice about finding a book The common theme of all this advice is "eliminate the muddleman." ---------------------------------------------------- My favorite recent censorship story involves the school board that tried to get "Making It with Mademoiselle" removed from the school libraries. Endorsement of pre-marital sex and all... Nobody had bothered to read it. It is, of course, a collection of dress patterns. ---------------------------------------------------- 1. A school board in Maine that had 'Black Beauty' pulled from the shelves in the mistaken belief that it had something to do with sexy females of African ancestry. 2. A university in Australia that would periodically fail to receive its subscription copy of the British scientific journal 'Nature', which the local Customs officer took to be the title of a naturist magazine. There's also the famous story in Playboy about the artist who was charged with importing 'Obscene material entitled : Photographs of Sistine Chapel'. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What was the last thing Jesus said at the Last Supper? A: "OK, everbody onto this side of the table so we can all get into the picture!" ---------------------------------------------------- This is a true story that happened here some time ago: An old senile woman got out of her house in her nightgown, and wandered into a near-by graveyard. Apparently she was suffering amnesia, and could not find her way back home. She was found there three days later by the police, almost dead of hunger and exposure. It seems anyone she approached for help during that time ran away screaming in terror... ---------------------------------------------------- 1> Having just brought his son home from the eye doctor's, the Scotsman said to his wife, "Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's not looking at anything." ---------------------------------------------------- The other day a discussion on the big bang arose (somehow). One of the guys A born again christian thought he had the conversation stopper when he asked "What was god doing at the time of the big bang" I replied that while I did not know what he was doing right at the time of the bang I knew what he was doing two seconds before. He was saying to his boss "Now dont worry this is perfectly safe !!" ---------------------------------------------------- Why is there a fence around a grave yard Because people are dying to get in. What kind of key opens the gate to the graveyard A skeleton key. ---------------------------------------------------- For for a real high time, call CH3 COOH. ---------------------------------------------------- Among the first discoveries made possible by artificial earth satellites were belts of strong radiation, named after Dr. James VanAllen, circa 1958. An scientist of oriental ancestry, named Fan, made the discovery almost simultaneously but VanAllen published first. The Earth narrowly missed having a Fan Belt. ---------------------------------------------------- TRB in this week's New Republic contains a quote from Dan Quayle: Dan Quayle, attempting to quote the motto of the United Negro College fund (which is "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.") said: "What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have one." Hard to believe .... ---------------------------------------------------- The following is from the Pasadena Weekly May 11-17,1989 classified. GUNSLINGER WANTED Desperate neighborhood needs expert sharpshooter w/BB gun to run off psychotic mockingbird. Pay $20 American. Followed by name and phone number of contact. ---------------------------------------------------- (J. Daniel Smith's East German joke the other day reminded of this one. Bill Fason told it to me a few years ago. --DG) One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you." ---------------------------------------------------- This joke, making the rounds in Warsaw, was related in an editorial in the Boston Globe, 6/3/89. {ed Edited} A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?" "You have a mistress, now do you!!?" ---------------------------------------------------- One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says "Oh no, 50 - 50". ---------------------------------------------------- A judge was seen leaving a Moscow courtroom doubled up with laughter. "What's the matter?" asked a colleague. "I've just heard a very funny anecdote." "Tell me, please." "I can't. I've just sentenced a man to 15 years for telling it." ---------------------------------------------------- A guard in camp asks a prisoner: "What are you in here for?" "For nothing," is the answer. "You're lying, you bastard! People only get 10 years for nothing - but you got 15." ---------------------------------------------------- Mikhail and Raisa are in a small airplane. "I feel sorry for those people down there," he said. "If I could drop some sugar they'd be happy." "And if I could drop some soap they'd be happy," said Raisa. The pilot, overhearing muttered: "If I could drop you both they'd be happier still." ---------------------------------------------------- Peter the Great lost his pipe, summoned Peter Dolgoruky and told him to deal with the crisis. "It's clear - the senators must be arrested and tortured," said the Prince. Later Peter found the pipe in his pocket. He informed Dolgoruky, who replied: "It's too late - they've all confessed." ---------------------------------------------------- A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea. As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!" ---------------------------------------------------- A small private plane took off from an airport somewhere in Afghanistan. Midway through its journey, it developed engine trouble, so the pilot told the passengers to throw out their excess baggage. The American threw out his suitcase of blue jeans; the Americans have so many of them one suitcase doesn't really matter. The Brit threw out his box of Scotch whisky, because there is so much of it in LimeyLand. The Russian threw out his box of Vodka, because he had lots more where it came from. The poor Afghan didn't know what to throw out, because Afghanistan is so poor it doesn't have a surplus of any material goods. After some thought, he throws out the Russian, because the Afghans have so many of them, one less doesn't really matter. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do fugitive natives of Czechoslovakia protest so much about discrimination? Many places say "Sorry, No Czechs !" Why do natives of Czechoslovakia shop in the US with their families? So that they can pay in Czechs .. Why is the "high-altitude dive stuntman" profession monopolised by criminal elements of Czechoslovakia ? Bad Czechs Bounce ! What does one say when he sees an armoured native of Czechoslovakia ? The Czech is in the Mail .. Why do poor natives of Czechoslovakia not want to go home? There is always a charge for returned Czechs .. When I went to the motel , and registered, I found two natives of Czechoslovakia in my room. Why? I told the desk clerk , I wanted two Czech in... ( Sigh !) There were these three Czechs who went out together for the evening. They wanted to go to a bar and get some drinks. The 1st Czech walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Czech#1: (Standing as straight and macho as possible) Hey, bartender, I'd like three drinks please. BARTENDER: Coming right up sir. ... hey, you ain't a rope, are ya? Czech#1: Duh?? BARTENDER: Get outta here. I don't serve no ropes! The 2nd Czech walks into the bar to see if he can fare better. Czech#2: (Suave, debonair, leaning against the bar) Sir, could I please have 3 drinks. BARTENDER: Right away gent. ... hey, you ain't a rope, are ya? Czech#2: Duh?? BARTENDER: Get outta here. I don't serve no ropes! The 3rd Czech decides he can't wait all night for a drink! He puts on a tie and tousles his hair and then enters the bar. Czech#3: 3 drinks. BARTENDER: I don't serve no ropes in here, ain't you a rope? Czech#3: No, I'm a blank Czech ! ---------------------------------------------------- 14 March 1989 issue of "Weekly World News" [one of those supermarket tabloids] Computer Charged with Murder After Frying Chess Champ, by Ragan Dunn A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder of chess champion Nikolai Gudkov -- who was electrocuted when he touched the metal board that he and the machine were playing on! "This was no accident -- it was cold-blooded murder," Soviet police investigator Alexei Shainev told reporters in Moscow. "Niko Gudkov won three straight games and the computer couldn't stand it. When the chess master reached for his knight to begin play in the fourth game, the computer sent a lethal surge of electricity to the board surface. The computer had been programmed to move its chess pieces by producing a low-level electric current. "Gudkov was electrocuted while a gallery of hundreds watched." The decision to put the computer on trial stunned legal experts around the world. [I hope computer experts are also shocked, so to speak. --spaf] But the Soviets are convinced that the computer had the pride and intelligence to develop a hatred for Gudkov -- and the motive and means to kill him. The mind-boggling murder drama unfolded during a six-day chess marathon between the M2-11 supercomputer and Gudkov, a world class chess player. According to reports, Gudkov defied all odds [Calculated by the same supercomputer, no doubt. --spaf] and beat the machine in three consecutive games. And when they prepared to begin their fourth, a deadly dose of electricity flowed up into the electronic board and zapped Gudkov dead. Soviet authorities initially thought that the surge of electricity was caused by a short-circuit. But an examination of the computer revealed no problems. It was later determined that the machine diverted the flow of electricity from its brain to the chess board to ensure a victory over Gudkov. [This implies that Soviet semiconductors work at voltages of a few hundred volts, or maybe their supercomputers are tube-based? --spaf] "The computer was programmed to win at chess and when it couldn't do that legitimately, it killed its opponent," said investigator Shalnev. "It might sound ridiculous to bring a machine to trial for murder. [!!] But a machine that can solve problems and think [sic] faster than any human must be held accountable for its actions." Rudi Hagemann, the Swiss legal scholar, agreed with the Soviet cop. He said that the development of artificial intelligence has come so far in recent years that certain computers and some robots "must be considered human." It isn't clear how the Soviets will punish the computer if it is found guilty when it goes to court this spring. [Send it to a Gulag for reprogramming? --spaf] But Hagermann says the machine will probably be reprogrammed or dismantled altogether. [I don't think there's much to say here, except in the way of warning: next time you accuse the system of cheating at rogue, don't say it too loudly! -spaf] [This reminds me of the WWN story from 10 July 1984 about the 58-year-old Chinese man, Chin Soo Ying, who had designed a computer system in 1950 (based on the British Colossus) to express words of love and emotions. The article related how after he had built a new machine in the 80s, he was electrocuted by the old machine. His wife was convinced that Chin was murdered by the old machine, which then committed suicide. (The WWN hadline was "Jealous Computer Zaps its Creator".) I recall this in the interest of perspective on the current story, and its source. PGN] ---------------------------------------------------- For the same reason Larry Anderson of the Houston Astros' thinks of things... as follows, again from the L.A. Times Morning Briefing section of the Sports section; The World According to Larry Anderson... Larry Anderson, the Houston Astros' relief pitcher, throws a fastball and talks a screwball. He wonders about things most of us probably don't even consider: - "What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Co.?" - "How do you explain counter-clockwise to someone with a digital watch?" - "When you see a fly on the ceiling, was it flying upside down all the time, or was it flying right-side up and flipped over at the last possible second?" [Next Heading] Think tank: Why in the world would Anderson think about such things? "If you spend 10 years in the minors like I did, you have to have a sense of humor," he said. [Next Heading] "I can't tell if I'm in a groove or a rut." "If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your thing." "All I want is less to do, more time to do it in and to get paid more for not getting it done." *start* 16342 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 5 Jul 89 21:39:20 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 5.3 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "China has got to be the worst place to go an a hunger strike, because you don't eat, and then an hour later, you don't eat again!" ---------------------------------------------------- Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. ---------------------------------------------------- "A nation tht does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test." Dave Barry (from his just-published book: "Dave Barry Slept Here/ A Sort of History of the United States") ---------------------------------------------------- Los Angeles Times, June 6: How long is the Harvard Bridge, which links MIT with Boston? Exactly 364.4 Smoots plus one ear. One Smoot is 5 feet 7 inches, the height of Oliver Reed Smoot Jr., whose body was used as a unit of measure when Lambda Chi Alpha pledges were ordered to determine the length of the bridge in 1958. As the pledges manhandled Smoot end-to-end like a ruler, they marked each length with chalk. The chalk marks were later replaced with painted marks on the sidewalk. These were threatened by a reconstruction project until the city decided that Smoot had "become part of the folklore" of the bridge. So the new sidewalk was scored at 5-foot 7-inch intervals instead of the usual six feet. Why was Smoot chosen to be immortalized in concrete? Smoot himself answered this question at the dedication of the new sidewalk. "Out of the 14 pledges, I had the distinction of being the shortest," he said. ---------------------------------------------------- An oboe, it is clearly understood, is an ill wind that no one blows good--Danny Kaye ---------------------------------------------------- Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. [not offensive to Canadians] They hire an airplane to drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them: "I'll be back in one week. No more than one Moose - got it". One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two Moose. The pilot says: "Hey, I told you guys no more than one Moose". One of the hunters replies: "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a *BIG* tip to take both Moose out". The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both Moose. Well, they load up the Moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet, 10 feet . . . . Whoops, it runs out of runway. Smashes into a tree. The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One hunter looks at the other and says: "Where the Hell are we?" The other looks around and replies: "About 100 yards further than we got last year!" ---------------------------------------------------- There arose among the English tribespeople a young man who many said would someday become the king of all of England, because his name was "King" Arthur. According to legend, one day he was walking along with some onlookers when he came to a sword that was stuck in a stone. He grasped the sword by the handle and gave a mighty heave, and to the amazement of the onlookers, he suddenly saw his shadow, and correctly predicted that there would be six more weeks of winter. This so impressed the various tribes that Arthur was able to unite them and drive off the Vikings via the bold and resourceful maneuver of serving them relentlessly bland food, a tradition that remains in England to this day despite numerous armed attempts by the French to invade with sauces. ---------------------------------------------------- From the Wall Street Journal of June 2, posted to the Usenet sci.military list by cup.portal.com: "Stenciled on the metal box that carries the nuclear warhead for the Lance missile: 'Reusable Container. Do Not Destroy.'" ---------------------------------------------------- Oldie from ``Beetle Bailey: Life's a Beach!'' Sarge: Sometimes the General makes me so mad I could FLOOR him! Captain: Write down your feelings. It will help you get over your anger. Sarge (writes): Dear General (who should be a PRIVATE!), The way you fouled up our field exercise today should land you in the stockade... on your big fat ear! What an A-1 moosehead! Don't you know North from South? Don't you know tanks can't float? Where did you learn military strategy? On Sesame Street? My DOG could lead a better flank attack! And what you called a strategic retreat was really trample-ville! You could fit your brains AND your guts into a gnat's navel, and STILL have room for your spine! DISrespectfully yours, Sgt. Orville Snorkel (SLAM!'s it into mailbox) Captain: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO *MAIL* IT!! Sarge: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME *THAT* PART!! ---------------------------------------------------- What's a little basenote drift between friends ... my favorite Beetle Bailey cartoon had Sarge Snorkel sitting in a cafe. A civilian is sitting beside him; the civilian pulls out a cigarette and says: "I think I'll light up." Sarge says, calmly: "But if you smoke, I'll choke." The civilian lights up, blows smoke in Snorkel's face, and says: "So choke, then." Snorkel gets up, wraps his big meaty hands around the civilian's throat and squeezes until the man's eyes bug out. "Say when ... " ---------------------------------------------------- Ask anyone who has stayed awake for thirty-seven hours consuming nothing but Coke and Snickers bars and staring into a green CRT screen, if there is anything glamorous about the world of computer programming. Look deep into his bloodshot eyes, and try to detect any signs of joy among the red streaks. Then, just for kicks, ask him why he does what he does, despite all the pain it's causing. The most positive answer you'll get is, "it feels so good when it stops." Although computer sciences majors come in all sizes and shapes, each possesses that essential "nerd" quality which led us to declare the major in the first place. Some of us, the stragglers, are only part time nerds. Unfortunately, over the past three years, an alarming number of lifers, full-time nerds, have appeared. These are the really scary people who hang around the terminal room regularly, with absolutely no purpose for being there. People who'd rather sit around hacking on a Saturday evening than lying stuporously drunk in one of the Dellys, or sleeping. This speicalized breed of computer nerds, affectionately known as the Computer Nazis, becomes an increasingly large organization every semester. No one knows exactly where they come from, since no one has ever seen a Nazi outside of the computer center. Similarly, no one has ever tried to find one, either. The leader of the Williamsburg Nazis, it seems, is a large Arabic slob we shall call Abdul. Abdul typifies the model Nazi. Granted, he's not quite as dweebish looking as you'd expect, yet somehow you know that he's not the kind of guy you'd invite to dinner. He's loud, he's self-righteous, and he can tell you anything about the computer system you'd never want to know. Below Abdul are his Seargeants at Arms, Jeff and Andy. Though not quite as loud as their leader, both possess voices which will rise above all others at large gatherings. Jeff has a lisp and Andy is annoyingly nasal; everyone in the department can imitate his favorite Nazi. Somehow, they're always in your class. And today is no exception. Larry, the instructor wanders in, dumps several folders on his podium, and smiles at the class. Attendance is good today, for the first time since the beginning of the semester. Ah yes. Today he is to hand out the specs for the final program, an event not to be missed. Floating among the seemingly carefree students is a definite air of uneasiness; a combination of hope, anticipation, and dread. He passes out the assignment, announcing that he will take questions regarding the program during the next class meeting. Simultaneously, two hands shoot up in the front row. Apparently, Abdul and Andy, the "Sunshine Boys", have questions which can't wait two days. You've got to hand it to these guys. They're fast readers, and seem to zero in on ambiguous phrases and logical errors in the description even before the entire class has received the document. This time they've even caught the instructor off guard with their rapid fire analysis of his instructions. You can tell that Larry really wants to tell them off, but remembers his own Nazi days. Two days go by. It's Question Day. Again, Abdul and Andy have the floor. Seems that the instructor's skeleton for the program didn't work for some obscure test case, and caused their respective programs to bomb. Larry apologizes to Abdul, and makes a few witty comments to Andy. Most of the class stares in amazement with the patented Computer Science "Holy Shit" expression hanging off of their faces. Have these two guys actually finished the assignment already? We haven't had the thing for forty-eight hours yet. Hell, I don't even remember where I put my specs sheet. Two weeks have passed. Monday morning. The project is due on Wednesday. Questions are finally rolling in from people other than the Sunshine Boys. A certain anxiety begins to well up in the stomach as the deadline approaches. Serious doubts about finishing the program in time arise. Larry, ever the entertainer, mentions that "If you haven't started the project yet, you'll never get it done." He means it, too. That night, the stragglers tackle the machine for the first time in weeks, trying to make some sort of headway, or at least translate the problem at hand. There are two mutually exclusive techniques that are used in the early stages of programming: The Software Engineering method, and the ever-popular Brute Force strategy. Right from the start of our computer careers, we are told that any problem can be broken down into manageable pieces, and that these pieces can be linked together to form a logically constructed program; the method used by Software Engineers. This process is time consuming, yet incredibly simple. Keep the pieces as small as possible, construct each one separately, get it to working, and plug it in. "This method can be applied to any problem you'll ever have to solve, in the field of computer science, or in real life situations," says the textbook. Sure. If you've got the time. Brute Force can similarly be applied to any real life situation, and in the early stages it's quicker than the Software Engineering method. It's instinctive, spontaneous, and produces concrete results almost immediately. Read the problem, get a general idea of where you're headed, and head there. Start simply, and then build the sucker. If you don't understand something, ignore it. If it doesn't work, throw it out. Assume you know more about what you're doing than you actually do. It's kind of like picking a nice living room set, and building a house around it. Apparently, Brute Force is the way to go this time around. The first few pot shots at the problem miss their target completley, but finally pieces begin to fit together. Granted, there's no central structure here yet, but we've definitely bought the living room set. And, with a little bit of pushing and bending of good programming rules, we seem to have built the fireplace and part of the upstairs bedroom. So far so good. Who says we can't finish this in two days? Get a printout, go home, have a beer and watch David Letterman. The Letterman show appears to have been a tactical error. Brute Force has come to its inevitable halt, and the deadline is tomorrow. Bits and pieces of the program are working just fine, but the major chunks are still in shambles. The program has to be finished within the next eighteen hours. We have not choice but to begin the Caffeine Airlift. If it weren't for caffeine, many of us computer science majors would have died back in sophomore year. Sometimes, there just aren't enough waking hours in the day to accomplish everything that has to be done. The logical solution is to eliminate some of the sleeping hours, through carefully measured doses of coffee and Coke. Time release caffeine pills were in fashion two years ago, but turned out to be entirely too efficient. It's difficult to concentrate on programming when your body wants to tap dance. In any shape or form, the Caffeine Airlift has saved us all. Once the body is properly primed, the work begins. The computer lab overflows with other desperate individuals, all heavily caffeinated, and all decked out for the long night ahead. Grab a terminal, and start hacking. It's comforting to know that everyone else will fail this project with you. The mood is surprisingly relaxed, and jokes about impending doom begin to fly. Ten o'clock. Eleven hours and counting. Condition: guarded but stable. The three Cokes in your system are making your legs bounce, but you ignore it. Concentration is the key. The room fills to capacity, and the jokes continue. Of course no one will finish, but who cares anymore? This is no longer a project, but a mission. Actually, you've made amazing progress in the last few hours, but won't admit it to the others. More fun to complain, isn't it? Midnight. The Jello Hour. The Jello Principle state that "no matter what quick solution you find for a given problem, it will still make you worse off than you were before." Kind of like nailing Jello to a tree. The temporary solutions look pretty for awhile, but are destined to fail in the long run. After Jello hour, you get a whole new perspective on life. The beard begins to appear. The empty Coke cups form a wall along the side of your work space. You realize that you'll miss Letterman tonight. Short cuts that simulate important program elements come to mind, are added to the code, fail, and are discarded. The best rule of thumb is to try something so unorthodoxly simple, that it could never work. Odds are that it will. One thirty. You've watched half of your classmates walk out in stuporous frustration. The die-hards remain, chugging caffeine in lethal dosages and cursing quietly to themselves. And suddenly, the peaceful torpor of the terminal lab is shattered by the unexpected arrival of the Nazis. Abdul strolls in, flips on a terminal, and talks loudly to his partner Jeff across the room. In the back of your mind, you wonder where Andy is tonight, but the truth is you don't really care. Abdul is amused that we non-Nazis are working on the same program they had finished nearly two weeks ago. Jeff comments, through his speech impediment, that the program was "trivial." Eventually, the Nazis become engrossed in their own work, whatever the hell they do at two o'clock in the morning. Abdul has found some new way to amuse himself, and yells for Jeff to come over. Jeff yells back that he's too busy. Everyone wishes Abdul and Jeff would die painfully. Finished. It's four AM, and the damn thing is finally in the can. Smile at the amphetimized corpses as you leave, and wish them luck. The walk home seems longer tonight. No cars. No birds. No noise. Life seems to have gone on outside of the computer center. As you hit the bed, you know you're too wired to fall asleep. It doesn't matter. You've won the game again. As your body continues its tap dance, you realize that the process is going to start again on Monday. No problem. Yeah, it's hurts for awhile. But it feels so good when you stop.... *start* 15951 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Jul 89 14:01:54 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 5.4 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7? A: Because 7 8 9. ---------------------------------------------------- Life is like a roller coaster, but I'm glad to be tall enough to ride ---------------------------------------------------- "The more people I meet the more I like my dog." ---------------------------------------------------- President Bush was in a serious accident and was in a coma for three years. When he woke up, he had this conversation with a nurse: Nurse: President Bush, you're awake! You've been in a coma for three years. Bush: Really? Well, how's Qualye doing? Nurse: Oh, he's doing great. The economy is better than ever and we even get our mail on time now. Bush: Great. How much does it cost to mail a letter now, anyway. Nurse: A hundred yen. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match? A: They sell beer at an English soccer match. ---------------------------------------------------- Do you know why the Pope always kisses the ground when he arrives for a visit?? No?.... apparently you never flew with Air Italia!!! ---------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when a belgium is a electrician? He is all black and burned.... One day I found a Belgium beside the road looking puzzled. I ask him what the problem was. He said he wanted to know how high the pole was that was standing there. I said cut it down and measure its length. No he said , I want to know the height, not the width.... How many Belgiums do you need to milk a cow? 24. Four to hold the udder and 20 to move the cow up and down... ---------------------------------------------------- You better not sink You better not float You better not dangle your feet from a boat SANTA JAWS IS COMING TO TOWN ---------------------------------------------------- On a poster: It's not my place to run the train The whistle I can't blow It's not my place to say how far The train's allowed to go It's not my place to shoot off steam Nor even clang the bell But let the damn thing jump the track And see who catches Hell! ---------------------------------------------------- When I was in the Army in the early 70s, we had two guys named Ellis -- one was Danny Ellis, the other was Claude Ellis. So the lifers had to use their initials when calling out their names in formation to distinguish the two. They never did understand why, whenever they announced: "Ellis, D!" ---------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Interesting Facts About the New Ayatollah (Late Night With David Letterman, June 6, 1989) 10. Digs surfing, skiing, and long walks on the beach. 9. Became Ayatollah by being the 100th caller to Radio Teheran's Morning Zoo. 8. Real name is Keith Johnson. 7. Loves "The Satanic Verses." 6. Promises to make ugly guys wear veils too. 5. Was the baby on the Ivory Snow box in the early 50's. 4. Bats right. Throws right. 3. Was a New York City cab driver: 1977-1979. 2. Appears briefly -- clad only in a towel -- in Rob Lowe video. 1. Promises to carry on with "lunacy as usual." ---------------------------------------------------- Theologians have been meeting for 15 years to revise the Revised Standard Version the Bible. The New Revised Standard Version (or NRSV) will be published in 1990. Among the changes are two that were made to avoid possible misunderstanding: Psalm 50:9 is being changed from "I will accept no bull from your house" to "I will not accept a bull from your house." 2 Corinthians 11:25 is being changed from "Once I was stoned" to "Once I received a stoning." Strange but true. ---------------------------------------------------- Waiter, there is a fly walking on my soup... The waiter approches, looks at the fly , falls to his knees, brings his hands up in the air and shouts.. Holy me..... jezus is back on earth..... ---------------------------------------------------- The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief." Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet. The gandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!" ---------------------------------------------------- A Texan was visiting Calgary for the big event, The Calgary Stampede. He found himself in one of the many local drinking establishments one evening, bragging to everyone about the size of things back in Texas. "Why," he said, "back home in the Lone Star State I can get in the saddle, ride all day, and still not reach the other side of my ranch." "Yeah," said a local Albertan, downing his beer, "I know just what you mean -- I have a horse like that, too." ---------------------------------------------------- (A bit old, but worth sharing ... thanx to Larry Shilkoff) In Great Britain, British Airways performs "birdstrike" tests on aircraft by shooting deceased chickens from special cannons directly at the windshield of the aircraft (not an unusual practice). It seems that the major British railroad (can't remember the name) decided to cash in on a little publicity by anouncing that their trains are just as good as aircraft. To prove it, they called the media for a demonstration of a birdstrike test on their engine. Well, when the cannon was fired, the chicken went through the windshield, broke the backrest of the engineers seat and put a dent in the wall. Dumbfounded and embarrased, they soon realized someone had loaded a frozen chicken in the cannon. ---------------------------------------------------- Three pilots are boasting who flew the biggest plane. The first one: I was a copilot once on a plane when the pilot said, hey take over , i have to go to the toilet in the back, it took him 30 minutes to get back. And he was using a bike to get there.. The second one: I was a copilot one day on a plane when the captain told me to get the bike to go the the right wing tip check the flaps.. It took me two hours to get back and I am a good cyclist.... The third one: One day when I was flying this huge plane, i told my copilot to get his Ferrari to find out where the funny noise in the back of the plane was coming from. Three hours later he returned with the message that somebody had left the toilet window open and that there was a 747 flying around the lightbulb.... ---------------------------------------------------- A little later, as we waited for another airliner to cross in front of us and some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins, the head stew announced on the intercom, "... this aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." ---------------------------------------------------- Re: I came, I saw, I hacked I'm no Latin scholar, but I think that should read "Vini, vedi, hacki". "vici" is "I conquered". ---------------------------------------------------- Why is there water in the mississippi?? Otherwise there would be to much dust when the ships pass by.... ---------------------------------------------------- One time I asked an IBM salesman if it was easy to change the ROM. His reply was that it was changed every time the system is rebooted! ---------------------------------------------------- >I can just imagine the copier repairman's chuckle when he blamed the broken >copier on light 'getting in'. "you let light into the copier, so its your >fault it broke". As a former copier repairperson I must tell you that this is true for some machines. Obviously light is needed to make a copy, but long term exposure of some photoconducters to room light can damage them. On some machines an open cover leaves the drum/belt/master exposed to some room light and fatigues it badly over time. So the local repair person probably yelled at them to leave the cover down, and the prof doesn't know the difference. If I was the tech I wouldn't have cared, just keep charging them $$$$$ for new drums :) ---------------------------------------------------- there were these two kids going uphill on a bike. The hill was quite steep and the guy driving the bike had to make a lot of effort to really make the thing move. The other guy sitting on the front was also making some effort on his own. Finally after much huffing and puffing they made it to the top. The guy driving exclaimed," Boy, that was a real steep hill." The other replied," You bet it was. If I had not kept the brakes pressed all along we would be at the bottom of the hill by now". ---------------------------------------------------- About Indianna Jones 3: > > And why did he speak English? Modern English? Maybe he should've spoken > Middle English and only the museum curator (name escapes me) could translate > accurately. One amazing thing I learned from the old Star Trek series, people all over the galaxy who have not had contact with earthlings have developed their own form of English, and apparently some of the more primitive civilizations had intercepted reruns of Tarzan movies and based their version of English on Johnny Weismeuller (new modern spelling). So it makes sense that the knight spoke modern English (especially since he LOOKED so English, at least if he got a shave he would, anyway). ---------------------------------------------------- One of the problems dealt with during the training of Southern Baptist ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth would be hurtful if not down right cruel. As a particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby --and, sadly, they do exist-- the prospective minister is taught to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted "Why! It's a baby!". So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention. The Bishop, making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is also a recent, proud papa. Looking down, the Bishop says "Why, it's a baby!", whereupon the young minister decks him. ---------------------------------------------------- Last night a 6085 appeared briefly on TV (Nightline) in an item about how the Voice of America (VOA) has been the main source of information in China! According to the Washington Post: "Yesterday, C.H. Hsieh, a writer and editor at VOA for 17 years, was demonstrating the ease of translating the English scripts into Mandarin. He types English on the ordinary computer keyboard and the screen produces the Mandarin translation. [The system] provides its own sensation of orderliness in the bureau." (Ahem, well, our system doesn't actually translate the English language to Chinese, just Romanized phonetics to Chinese script. But still, Xerox products are famous for providing a sensation of orderliness ...) Also, it seems that the USIA is broadcasting the VOA Mandarin newscasts on television as well. Recipients need a small dish antenna to pick up the satellite signal, but there are several thousand of them, no doubt connected to communal television receivers, scattered around China. The radio script, hot off the laser print server, is being scrolled across the bottom of the screen, presumably for the benefit of the non-Mandarin audience. I still haven't found out if we're also responsible for the unrest in Uzbekistan ... ---------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK: GROSS PAY: $1222.02 INCOME TAX OUTGO TAX STATE TAX INTERSTATE TAX COUNTY TAX 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11 CITY TAX RURAL TAX BACK TAX FRONT TAX SIDE TAX 12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61 UP TAX DOWN TAX KNICKNACK TAX HACKENSAC TAX THUMBTAX 2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98 CARPET TAX SNACK TAX SURTAX MA'AM TAX PARKING FEE 0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00 NO PARKING FEE F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. LIFE INS. HEALTH INS. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23 DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS. LIABILITY INS. DENTAL INS. MENTAL INS. 2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33 FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE COFEE CUPS CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL 0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85 CHAIR RENTAL DESK RENTAL UNION DUES UNION DON'TS CASH ADVANCES 4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69 CASH RETREATS OVERTIME UNDERTIME EASTERN TIME CENTRAL TIME 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00 MOUNTAIN TIME PACIFIC TIME DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TIME OUT 7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21 OXYGEN WATER ELECTRICITY HEAT AIR CONDITIONING 10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83 MISC 169.24 TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02 ---------------------------------------------------- In my undergraduate days I was living in a dormitory on campus. It was kind of like a two bedroom apartment and four of us were living there. One night, we all went to see the original Phantasm movie at the theater on campus. One notable thing about this movie, beside the floating silver ball that bores little knives into people's foreheads, is that the big mortician guy is always crashing through doors, windows, and mirrors and grabbing his victims from behind usually scaring the b'jesus out of the audience, in particular myself. After the movie, we had returned to our apartment and we were getting ready to turn in for the night when my roommate decided to mess with my mind a little. He and I had been roommates for over three semesters and at some previous time I was foolish enough to confess to him that one of my idiosyncracies was that I always slept with my feet toward the door of the bedroom. This was to prevent any burglers, murderers, or generally scary creatures of the night who might come through the bedroom door from being able to sneak up behind me whilst I slept. In this particular apartment this meant that I had my head right under a window. Well, right before he turns out the light, my roommate says to me, "Are you really going to sleep with your head next to the window tonight?" After laying in the darkness for a moment pondering this, I got up and turned myself around so that my feet were towards the window and my head was towards the door which of course amused my roommate and gave him no end of satisfaction at having gotten under my skin. I was laying there, just starting to dose off, when a noise outside the window caused my to snap to alertness. After a few moments of sitting upright in bed straining my ears, I determined that it was safe to once again close my eyes and I proceeded to dose off. Seconds later, I had the scare of my life when two hands came crashing through the venetians blinds emitting a loud growl and latching onto my ankles. Prior to this experience, I would not have thought it possible that someone could leap three feet into the air from a horizontal position but that is exactly what I did. The simultaneous scream that I let out was sufficient to alert half of the residents of the dormitory to the mayhem that was occurring in our apartment. You can all rest assured that the hands belonged to one of the other of my three roommates who was in cahoots with the aforementioned prankster and that after several years of therapy I am now able to sleep in any orientation with respect to my bedroom door. *start* 14321 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Jul 89 14:24:05 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 5.5 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- A man rushed up to a clerk in a department store. "Where are your restrooms??" he cried. "I'm terribly sorry," responded the clerk, "Our restrooms are for employees only." "Okay then, are you hiring??" ---------------------------------------------------- Cleanest of Soupy: I've read that he also told the little moppets in TV-land to send him all that funny green paper that Mommy and Daddy carry around. Apparently quite a bit was sent in and he got in trouble. ---------------------------------------------------- There are many golf jokes like this. My favorite is the one in which two buddies are out at the 7th tee. The first guy hits a tremendous drive and yells "FORE!" A player in the foursome ahead turns around at the sound of his voice and is struck in the forehead by the ball. The two golfers run to the prostrate body. They find the unfortunate man lying on his back with the ball embeddded in his head, with blood everywhere. He is, of course, d-e-a-d. ``Oh my god,'' cries the man who hit the ball, ``what am I supposed to do now?'' ``Use your nine-iron,'' replied his friend. ---------------------------------------------------- One of my high school buddies told me of a prank that he and about 4 other guys on his block pulled on their neighbor... They layed wait for this unfortunate person to leave his garage door open AND park the Bug in the garage AND go in for dinner.. They then quietly slipped into his garage and lifting the VW completely off of the ground rotated it 90 degrees, It fit !! Makes driving suddenly a very frustrating experiance. Needless to say the owner knew who the perpetrator was and quickly got justice. I can only imagine the horror of the person stepping out of the house for a quick drive to the store and back only to find his car parked in this unseemly position. ---------------------------------------------------- The best practical joke I ever heard happened at Carleton College. A friend of mine stayed down at school over the winter break. While everyone else was at home for Christmas, he went out to the lumber yard, bought studs, sheetrock, and paint, and walled over a friend's dorm room door. It was *completely* gone. How would you like to return to school to find your dorm room missing? ---------------------------------------------------- We used to put about half of the group on jone side of the street and half on the other side, then when a car comes ( make sure both sides are in plain view of the driver ) act like you're having a tug-o-war across the road. I swear everytime we did this, the cars would stop and look around, afraid they are about to damage their precious cars. On one especially good evening we caused a car to lightly sqeal his tires ( this person turned out to be a high schooler, so no one was hurt or scared too badly ) ---------------------------------------------------- This thread reminds me of a joke perpetrated by a "friend-of-a-friend". The joke requires liquid nitrogen, and shaving cream, and a few miscellaneous things like thick gloves, goggles, &c. First take the shaving cream (canned whipped cream might work, also), and put it in the liquid nitrogen. Wait for all of the shaving cream to freeze. Then remove the can[s], put on the goggles and gloves, and peel the can off of the shaving cream. Apparently it is possible to do this without breaking the shaving-cream core inside. Next you take this pure shaving cream and, well, put it somewhere. Apparently 3 canfuls will fill and pressurize a small car. What I like best about this is it leaves no trace (except the shaving cream, of course!). I can just imagine someone trying to figure out how someone piped that much shaving cream into their car =8) ---------------------------------------------------- here is a quick one we pulled when I worked in the dorm cafeteria: get some of the clear plastic wrap used for wrapping food in and cover the top of a drinking glass. Stretch it really good and cut the edges (it will stay). after spilling their drinks around the sides of the glass or bouncing their ice cubes alot of different reactions take place: some people turn the glass over and try again, some people look around, ... ---------------------------------------------------- One of the all-time classic practical jokes it the holding of the string. Get a rather long length of string, and ask a passer-by if they wouldn't minding holding the end while you affix the other end (you'll have to make up some phony excuse, such as it's part of a surveying measurement or some arcane scientific experiment). Then unravel the string around a corner and ask someone else to hold the other end. Your work done, you now disappear! ---------------------------------------------------- Last one! We had this big ol' wire with alligator clips on each end, and we crawled under some guy's car one night and wired his brakelights to his horn! Every time he stepped on the brakes, he'd look around and say "who IS that honking?" He kept getting these angry looks, and finally we cracked up and spoiled the joke. ---------------------------------------------------- A favorite practical joke during MY college years was to wait for someone who had been drinking to doze off in his/her loft. We'd then grab 2 flashlights, turn them on about 1 foot from their eyes, shake them, and when they started to wake yell TRUCK!!!!!!! Slaps them to soberness real quick. ---------------------------------------------------- Some time ago (I won't admit how long) at university we had a "Cafeteria Bridge Club". One of it's members had bought a new car, which got pretty good gas milage (at that time). The new owner gradually became pretty obnoxious talking about the milage he got. Some of the others decided to get even. Over a period of 2 weeks we made a trip at night and *added* a gallon of gas to his tank. You can image how the gas economy stories grew. It was very hard to keep a straight face. Most of us failed from time to time. Then we reversed the process. Each night for 2 weeks we siphoned out a gallon of gas, recovering our investment. Perhaps you had to be there. But the stories dried up. Even under prodding about the state of his new car, all we could get from him was a very strange facial expression. One of the more "practical" jokes I can recall from the good ol' days. ---------------------------------------------------- One spring a very well to do, uppity white mom decided she would throw a beautiful high school graduation party for her daughter and her daughter's friends. Of course, the daughter attended an all girl's school, so mom wanted to get some fine young gentlemen to be escorts at the party. She decided to call the nearby naval base to see if some young cadets would be willing to attend the party. She got in touch with a sergeant at the base and explained what she wanted. "And one last thing," she added. "Don't send any Mexicans, I don't want any Mexicans at this party. Do you understand?" The Sergeant told her yes, and not to worry. Finally the big evening arrived and mom was excited. At 7:30 sharp there came a knock on the door. "Ah, the gentlemen are right on time," she thought as she opened the door. Standing at the door was a young cadet, dressed very handsomely in his uniform, with about 25 cadets behind him. All were black. Horrified, the mother shut the door and ran to the phone. She dialed the base again and reached a private on the other end. "I want to speak to the Sergeant who sent all these black people to my daughter's graduation party!" she screamed. "He's not here, ma'am, may I be of some help?" replied the private. "Well," she gasped, "There has been a horrible mistake! I asked for some young men to act as escorts at my daughter's party, and that sergeant sent black people!" "Oh, no, ma'am," said the private, "I'm sure everything is in order. Sergeant Rodriguez never makes mistakes!" ---------------------------------------------------- Last weekend, I had my first garage sale. I had been to them before, and thought some were great (interesting things, or at least cheap things, sellers partying) and some were awful (expensive garbage, no smiling, no bargaining). I am moving in the near future and since my neighborhood's homeowners' association sponsors a whole subdivision sale once a year, it seemed like a good idea to participate. I tried to go for the cheap, party atmosphere. I met some nice people who didn't buy anything; that was just fine. I'd rather deal with a nice person who just wants to talk than a rude one who wants to shop! The things people are looking for, or at least will buy, defy reason. Cheap, working, practical household items (for example, a working, programmable coffee maker I paid $54 for new for $1) you could hardly give away. On the other hand, I had a very large, EMPTY crate for shipping a big dog. That item attracted more attention by far than anything else. No one bought the crate; they all futilely peered into it to see what kind of animal they thought I was selling! Anyway, if you've never had a garage sale, I'm passing along my experiences, and if you have had a garage sale, perhaps your observations are similar. It seemed there were about four types of shoppers, each type generally coming only during their period of the day. I think that IF I ever have another one, I may only stay open until just after lunch, because I didn't have much that was good left after that time, and the people were much more difficult then. Disclaimer: Not every shopper fits into one of the categories below. TIME OF DAY TYPE OF SHOPPER =========== =============== 0800-1000 Professional garage sale shoppers These people tend to know what they are looking for EARLY BIRD and are likely to ask you if they don't see it. Generally SPECIALS polite, they are often looking for big ticket items to repair or clean up. Usually, they will name a relatively reasonable price if they think yours is too high. 1000-1230 Feeding frenzy shoppers These people are looking for a GREAT DEAL. These people HIGH VOLUME, do not know WHAT they are looking for, but know they want LOW PROFIT to buy SOMETHING that is CHEAP. They are a little slow to MARGIN part with their money when they are alone or in a small group, but, like sharks smelling blood, if a large number of them are in your garage at the same time, they will buy just about anything in sight, even if it's useless and incredibly ugly, as long as it is CHEAP (that is, less than a dollar). These people generally pay in nickels, dimes and quarters minted many years ago. Moths fly out of their change purses, the hinges creak and the leather cracks when they open their billfolds. The only four people who *ahem* "miscounted" their money, always low of course, came during this time. The people who want you to "hold" stuff for them without buying it also come during this time. These people will complain your price is too high, but are reluctant to actually tell you their idea of a reasonable price. Telling them the original price generally intimidates them into paying what you are asking because suddenly "it's such a deal". 1230-1430 Recreational yuppie shoppers These people are out walking from sale to sale in the BUSINESS court and your garage sale is an excuse to pass judgment IS SLOW on the basis of your well picked-over garbage. They usually park their newish European luxury car within sight. They are generally better dressed than the earlier shoppers, act very superior and bored and are often accompanied by small, snotty children who want to steal your child's toys which are NOT for sale. They think EVERYTHING is "absolute garbAHge", too expensive and will say things like: "Does that floor fan for $2 work? [yes, of course] Plug it in and prove it to me. [there's the outlet] And that hole in the grill there, I'm afraid my kids will stick their hands in there and get cut. Would you take a buck?" [does that mean it's OK for your children to cut their hands for $1 but not for $2?] "I really like that enameled teapot, but it's too expensive." [10 CENTS?!?!?] "What a cute little wooden lamp. But a dollar? That's too much!" [gee, it comes WITH the light bulb!] 1430-1630 Drive-by shoppers These people hardly ever get out of the car. The best I'VE HAD thing you could do for them would be to put your stuff on MORE FUN AT tables in the gutter so they could see it while leaning A FUNERAL out the car windows. They drive by your house, stop in front of your driveway, engine idling, and squint into your garage trying to see what is left, because there isn't much by this time of the day. The more rude ones are obviously unhappy with your selection and will actually yell at you! "Hey, aren't you supposed to be having a garage sale?" Some of these people came by earlier in the day and expected they would get something they saw the first time, but in every case like that someone else got it. Their unhappiness is visible and you can hear them moaning "Oh, it's gone..." My old sofa got the most moans... ---------------------------------------------------- Late Night's Top Ten List - 6/23/89 TOP TEN LINES FROM STAR TREK V 10. Captain, there's a horrible life form on your head! Oh sorry, its your hairpiece! 9. Surprise, those aren't Dilethium crystals - they're Folgers crystals. 8. Damm it Jim! I'm a doctor - not a very good actor. 7. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls the Captain's log. 6. Computer analysis indicates it really is Rob Lowe. 5. Geez, I'm sick of you guys! 4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from EARTH to TRUMP. 3. Oh yeah! Well, beam this up pal! 2. What the hell is Don King doing here? 1. @#$%~ the Final Frontier! Let's go see BATMAN! *start* 14104 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Jul 89 14:24:16 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 5.6 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Then there was the rope that fell into a vat of chocolate and came up singing: "Sometimes I fell like a knot, sometimes I don't". . . . . ---------------------------------------------------- And then there was this barge floating along at sea. Ahead of it was this cruise ship. The cruise ship, asked the barge, "Hey, are you the Love Boat?" To which the barge replied, "No, I'm a freight yacht!" ---------------------------------------------------- A young private lived in a barracks infested with fleas and ticks, and though he complained often to the seargant of his platoon, nothing was ever done about the problem. However, one weekend he received a weekend pass, and went to the nearby town to party it up with his friends. Unbeknownst to him, the barracks was disinfected and fumigated while he was away. Upon his return, he looked at his bed and said, "Oh, well, another night of bug-bites and itching ahead..." And the bead replied, "No, I'm a sprayed cot." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young executive was working at her desk late one night, when she acci- dentally knocked over a bottle of ink. The ink began running toward the project she was working on, and she hastily wiped at it with a Kleenex. Assuming she had eradicated the offensive substance, she finished up what she was doing and left for the night. When she arrived in the morning, she began leafing through her papers, and discovered one sheet had a large ink stain on it. She swore, then turned to the ink bottle and said, "Ooh, I thought I wiped you up last night!" The spot on the page looked at her and said, "No, I'm a strayed blot." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So there was this guy in the oold ages in shining armor, in Camelot. He had been set-up by a nemesis, and was doing some time in the dungeon, for a crime he didn't commit. Another inmate asked, You must have done something horrible to get in here." And our hero said "No, I'm a framed knight" He was able to prove his innocense, and was let go. He ran into his nemesis who was surrised to see him loose. "I thought you were locked up for good?" "No," said our hero, "I'm a freed knight" ---------------------------------------------------- These three Australian Pecans went into a bar that only served Peanuts. As the first Pecan approached the bar, the bartender axed, 'Hey, what are you? A Pecan? We don't serve Pecans here, only Peanuts.' So the poor Pecan left. As you may guess, the second Pecan attempted the same thing and was also turned away. The third Australian Pecan got a good idea. He went outside and threw himself on a barbie and rolled around in the coals for a bit. He returned to the bar and approached the bartender who axed, 'Hey, aren't you one of them Pecans?' To which our hero replied: 'No, I'm a fried nut.' ---------------------------------------------------- An old, arthritic, and exceptionally stupid dog was snoozing in the middle of the road. Alluva sudden a big street cleaning vehicle comes by and maims the dogster, tossing him to the side of the road. Some time later, a yuppie couple stop in their BMW 535i and pull over to see how the dog is. "Good Lord," sez the guy, "Are you all right?" To which the dog replies, ~No, I'm a flayed mutt." ---------------------------------------------------- Sally's pen explodes and a large splat of black ink drops onto her lapel. After many bleachings and washings, the stain had faded but showed no sign of coming out altogether. She exclaimed one day, "You are a pain!" To which the stain replied: "No, I'm a greyed blot." ---------------------------------------------------- The local newspaper reporter was covering the catastrophic fire at the psychiataric ward of the hospital. Wanting to get his story straight about who and how many were injured he question many of the people at the scene. So far everyone of the injured was a member of the staff. Coming to a man who had been seriously burned when the oil furnace exploded he asked, "are you a doctor or a nurse too?" "No," came the reply, "I'm a fried nut". ---------------------------------------------------- There once was a magical kingdom where the princess of the castle was turned into a small amphibian by an evil witch. She was held prisoner by the witch for many years, until one day a handsome prince rescued her from the witch's cottage in the woods. The prince asked, "Excuse me, but are you a princess that was turned into a salamander and that I have now released?" "No," she replied, "I'm a freed newt." ---------------------------------------------------- Actually, this musician was melting butter in a pan on the stove not far from where he had been composing music at his workbench. With much punk, an ink blot jumps off the staff paper and leaps into the frying pan, dancing and singing around. The musician asks: "Hey, dotted quarter! Are you nuts, or what?" "No!" replies the dot. "I'm a fried note." ---------------------------------------------------- After Alexander (the Great) applied his famous solution to the Gordian knot, he and his soldiers continued on their merry way leaving the severed knot to lie on the ground in two tangled piles. One soldier, who was quite far back in the column and had not seen the action earlier, had this to say: Look at the size of those two piles of worms!!! To which the knot replied, as all good knots will, No, I'm a filleted knot. ---------------------------------------------------- And overloaded a logic inverter, causing it to go up in a puff of smoke: "Are you OK?" "No, I'm a fried NOT!" ---------------------------------------------------- It was the late 1950's, and actor Don Knotts was temporarily out of work. He happened to hear that Hanna-Barbera was looking for voices for the characters in its new animated series, "The Flintstones". After his first audition, he was told that he had a good shot at the voice of Barney Rubble, but in the meantime he should go out into the front lounge to wait for further news. The lounge turned out to be filled with actors and actresses who were there to audition for the voices of Fred, Barney, Wilma and Betty. Don noticed an old friend of his across the room, a Mr. Chisteviejo. Don walked up to his friend, slapped him on the back, and said, "Say, Chisteviejo, are you a 'Fred' or a 'Barney'?" Without hesitation, Chisteviejo replied: "I'm a 'Fred', Knotts . . . " ---------------------------------------------------- So these two acorns were dangling side-by-side on a branch of their mighty oak, when a starling landed. The larger of the acorns dropped to the ground below. The fallen acorn surveyed the situation, and excitedly reported back to its once-neighbor, "What a feeling of freedom down here! With each rustle of wind, I can roll, the ground is cool and damp, and when a dog or person strolls by, the whole earth seems to vibrate. This is great. Do you want'a come down?" To which the still suspended acorn just HAD to reply, "No, I'm a treed nut." A massive lightning strike hit a pond near my house one day, and boiled all the water out. The next day, I went back to the blasted mudhole (nee pond) and noticed a large number of amphibian bodies strewn in the area. I picked up one charred specimen, wondering aloud if it had been a frog, when I heard it reply... "No, I'm a fried newt!" ---------------------------------------------------- A cargo train hits a rough spot and a nut flies out of one of the cars. It lands in a parts box in an electronics firm, right next to a shiny bolt. The bolt says "Hey, gorgeous! Are you from around here? I was *made* for guys who look like you." Our hero turns despondently to her and says "No, I'm a freight nut." ---------------------------------------------------- A jungle explorer was sitting in the woods when a bizarre insect landed on his arm. The tiny beast sported a goatee and a little bitty pipe which blue little bitty smoke rings. It began to tell the neighboring insects as to the anaylsis of dreams. "Heavens!" exclaimed the explorer. "What are you, a new species?" To which the creature replied, "No, I'm a Freud gnat." ---------------------------------------------------- A dog is sleeping outside one night, and sleeps well into the next day. By the time she awakes, the sun is already high in the sky. Naturally, the dog develops is very hot and is looking for a drink. Another dog sees her, and asks, "Are you okay?" Our heroine responds, "No, I'm a fried mutt." ---------------------------------------------------- A fishing vessel is dragging its net through an area rich with fish. Unexpectedly, a rat chews the main line through and the net goes sinking into the deep, much to the dismay of the crew. At the ocean floor, an octopus and a squid look at the strange thing that has fallen upon them. The octopus, irritated, looks at it and says, "What the hell are you, some kind of strange fish? It replies, "No, I'm a freed net." ---------------------------------------------------- A group of planter's peanuts were out for a stroll one day in the kitchen. Unsalted thought that it might be fun to go for a stroll on the big deep- fryer that was sitting on the counter. They climbed up a wooden spoon that was leaning against the vat, and began to walk around the edge. Honey- roasted lost her balance and fell in. Unsalted, quite alarmed, looked down into the vat and shouted, "Are you allright, Honey?" Honey surfaced, looked at him, and replied, "No, I'm a fried nut." ---------------------------------------------------- An ignorant fool posted some anti-homosexual blathering over all of the newsgroups on USENET, in order to gain complete recognition by all of its members. For months the flames soared and the poor little homophobe had to unsubscribe to most of them. One day FIDONET happened by and looked at the weary USENET. "You look pretty bad. Are you OK?" he asked. The reply from the weary network was, "No, I'm a fried net." ---------------------------------------------------- When I was in boot camp at Parris Island, one young marine was extremely clumsy, dropping his rifle several times during the daily drills. A rather exciteable drill seargant soon became angry and asked the recruit "Son, are you as clumsy with your rifle on the shooting range as you are on the field?" To which was replied, "No sir, I'm a great shot." ---------------------------------------------------- And if Usenetters had written "Monty Python & the Holy Grail" ... How do you know she's a witch? I'm a freed newt. ---------------------------------------------------- "Ginger" MacTavish had lived Down South (London), away from his family and friends, for many years. One day, a boyhood chum of his happend to be passing through town, and called him up for a chat. In the course of the conversation, his friend asked Ginger if his hair was still bright red, as it had been when they were boys. "Och, ye maun weel know", Ginger replied ... " ... I'm a grayed Scot ..." ---------------------------------------------------- Two zeros are walking down the street. One zero is coughing very badly. The coughing is getting severe, so his buddy asks him: "Are you all right?" The second zero responds: "No, I'm a phlegmed naught." ---------------------------------------------------- These three zeroes were travelling through some cold weather and became thirsty, so they stopped in at a local bar for some warmth & refreshments. When the first zero approached the bar, the bartender (whose mathematical skill didn't quite reach the level of familiarity with single-digit numbers, asked, "Say, aren't you a zero? We don't serve zeros here." The second zero tried to order and the bartender said "You're a zero too, aren't you? I already told your friend, no zeros allowed!" The last zero, before approaching the bar, stepped outside & rolled in the snow for several minutes until he was quite cold. When he re-entered the building and walked up to the bar, the bartender said "Not again! You'd better not be another zero!" To which the cold number replied, "No, I'm a frigid naught!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The president of the Flintstones Fan Club walked into a bar, and the bar- tender, recognizing the man but not quite remembering from where, asked, "Say, aren't you the guy that's so crazy about watching the Jetsons?" The Flintstone fan's reply was, "No, I'm a Fred nut." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A small lizard was minding its own business when a knight rode up and, thinking the lizard to be a dragon, attacked it and bashed it over its head with a heavy ball-and-chain. Not much later, another knight (a former bartender) spotted the hurt lizard and asked, "Say, are you a wounded dragon?" The lizard, still dizzy from the blow, replied, "No, I'm a flailed newt." ---------------------------------------------------- There once was a Leprechaun fascinated by insects, which he caged and kept as pets. There were hundereds of the cages throughout his home, each containing a single insect. As it happened one day, he had forgoten to close his window while cleaning the cage of one of the smaller insects, and it escaped. The little bug was enjoying it's new found capability of unhindered flight when it chanced upon a gnome, who recognized it as his friend's pet. "Are you on your way home, little one?" the gnome asked. And the insect replied "No, I'm a freed gnat." *start* 11896 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Jul 89 14:25:29 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 5.7 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Ever wonder what God's resume looks like? "Self employed for Seven Thousand Years...." ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip? A: To get to the other... um... er... ---------------------------------------------------- "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!" ---------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross an eagle, a lion, and an atomic weapon? A MIRV gryphon. ---------------------------------------------------- Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" ---------------------------------------------------- I'm in on-line support, and I get a lot of unintentional humor out of it. The wierdest thing that happens to me on the phone is that every rare now and then the phone rings and I answer: "Hewlett-Packard, this is Greg Goebel." "Hi. Can you hold?" The first time this happened to me I wondered if I was dreaming and hadn't awakened. ---------------------------------------------------- Yogi Berra was once asked what time it was. He responded, "You mean, right now?" ---------------------------------------------------- Oscar Wilde, from his deathbed, looked at the room around him and announced, "This wallpaper is killing me -- one of us has *got* to go!" ---------------------------------------------------- "I don't know jokes; I just watch government and report the facts." -Will Rogers ---------------------------------------------------- Churchill comments: "Before the Battle of El Alamein, he summoned General Montgomery and suggested that he study logistics. Montogmery doubted that he should become involved in such technical matters. `After all, you know,'he said, `they say that familiarity breeds contempt.' Churchill replied: `I would like to remind you that without a degree of familiarity we could not breed anything.'" Churchill was acosted at a wartime reception by a rather overbearing American lady. "What are you going to do about those wretched Indians?" she demanded. "Madam," replied Churchill, "to which Indians do you refer? Do you refer to the second greatest nation on earth, which under benign and munificent British rule has multiplied and prospered exceedingly? Or to the unfortunate North American Indians, which under your present administration are almost extinct?" Once Churchill was crossing a narrow pedestrian bridge when a gruff-looking lady, of ample proportions, got on from the other end. They met in the middle, and there wasn't space enough for both of them to pass. The gruff lady (looking sternly at WC): "Sir, I do not give way to fools." WC (stepping aside with equanimity): "Madam, I do!" ---------------------------------------------------- I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink. That shoe fits him like a glove. People have one thing in common: they are all different. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. Paul Valery Is there life before death ? Belfast Graffito Often it is fatal to live too long. Racine Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on. I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ? Benjamin Disraeli A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think its the one in the coffin." He lived his life to the end. A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. "Just lost a shoe ?" she asked. He answered, "Nope, just found one." My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. Ashleigh Brilliant A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants. Arthur Schoperhauer Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce You can observe a lot just by watchin'. Yogi Berra In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. Pliny the Elder The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising themselves. Wyndham Lewis I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one. James G. Bennet Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. George Bernard Shaw Trapped, like a trap in a trap. Dorothy Parker You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it. W.S. Gilbert I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure. Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me. Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got. Procrastinate now! Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions? Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions? In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat. Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. Ashleigh Brilliant Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. ---------------------------------------------------- Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer: (When told his son was getting married) Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. A hospital is no place to be sick. (when told a script was full of old cliches) Let's have some new cliches. Gentleman, include me out. A verbal contract is'nt worth the paper its printed on. I paid too much for it, but its worth it. Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all records before 1945? Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything. (on a film set of a tenement) Goldwyn : Why is everything so dirty here? Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area. Goldwyn : Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look better than an ordinary slum. Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. (in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour") Goldwyn : Maybe we ought to buy it? Associate : Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians. Goldwyn : That's okay, we'll make them Americans. Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. ---------------------------------------------------- HUMAN v1.02 USER MANUAL ..... Appendix I. Troubleshooting and Advanced Features This appendix presents explanations of some of Human 1.02's advanced features and solutions to possible problems. If you have trouble, or want to know more about the H1.02's features, consult the appropriate section in this appendix. 1. Troubleshooting Symptoms Possible causes Solutions Collapsing on the You may be tired Remember to sleep at street, missing large night amounts of time, taking four hours to Lack of energy 1. Eat read up to here, sloths 2. Drink congregating at your house, 3. Suck sugar cubes snails running circles around you Overworked Work at most 23 hours a day Death Under review. Not covered by warranty. Unseemly red splotches on Skin discoloration 1. Wear shoes soles of feet 2. Stop stepping on ants Bleeding 1. Stop the bleeding 2. Wash feet Turning blue Stopped breathing Resume breathing (see `Death') Cold 1. Get up off the snow 2. Go indoors 3. Wear clothes Turning red Embarassment 1. Pull your pants up 2. Check your zipper 3. Bury head in sand Excessive heat 1. Take off your fur coat 2. Get off the stove 3. Remove face from BBQ 4. Stop spilling soup on self Turning green Envy 1. Look the other way 2. Take what you desire 3. Stop thinking about me Motion sickness 1. Stop moving 2. Empty bowels 3. Chew your socks ** resolve any other colors you may be turning into standard RGB format Bloating Excessive food intake 1. Use washroom facilities 2. Join a hunger strike for a good cause Shadow not found Darkness 1. Turn on light 2. Open eyes 3. Remove foreign objects from eyes (see below) Shadow not found, ribs Hunger 1. Eat your lunch uncovered, difficulties 2. Eat more than once/month travelling in winds 3. Advanced features The following features have not been fully implemented and debugged in H1.02, but are guaranteed in versions 2.00 and higher: Feature Description ESP Alternative to coprocessor. Allows parallel processes. Telekinesis Capability to spawn inanimate subprocesses, remotely Telepathy Intersystem communication without land/sattelite lines Television Ability to see at a distance (only 2D version is implemented in H1.02) Triftteufity Cannot be understood at all by humans, versions less than H1.50. A full description follows: 2^123-p(124). *start* 11652 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Jul 89 14:39:03 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 5.8 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- A young woman moved from a midwest state of little renown to the New England area (smart move!). One day she was speaking with a local dowager about her new life in New England when the old woman asked: "What state do you come from?" "Iowa," the younger woman replied. The older woman chuckled and said, "My dear, here in the East we pronounce it `Ohio'." ---------------------------------------------------- Since I have been to Massachusetts, I realize the State Tree here is the orange road construction barrel. Remember, this is the state where we only have two seasons: Winter and Road Construction. ---------------------------------------------------- Then there was the year at Ohio State that a bovine (yes, cow) was entered into the contest as a Homecoming Queen contestant ... and won! ---------------------------------------------------- Someone quipped upon entering Albuquerque, "It'll be a nice town when they get finished with it" ---------------------------------------------------- What's the North Dakotan state bird? The fruit fly. What's the North Dakotan state flower? The tumbleweed. What's the North Dakotan state song? Mule train. What's the captial of North Dakota? About $3.85 North Dakota IQ test--Connect the dots: o o ---------------------------------------------------- One particualrly hot day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto pull into a bar to cool off, parking their horses outside. While the famous duo sit at the bar, a cowboy comes in and says "Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger replies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well, It's lookin' mighty warm. In fact, I looks like it'll keel over any minute". Quickly Tonto says to his boss, "Keemosoby, do not fear. I will cool Silver myself. I will run in circles around him as fast as the wind, and the breeze will cool him." The Lone Ranger thought for a minute, "OK Tonto. If you think it will work..." So out goes our feerless sidekick to cool the horse. A little while later, another cowboy comes into the bar and says, "Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?" The lone ranger replies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well you left you injun runnin'!" ---------------------------------------------------- Seen on the back of a Denver garbage truck: Satisfaction Guaranteed Or double your trash back. ---------------------------------------------------- Garbage trucks for Southern Waste (I _think_ that's the company) in Ft Lauderdale, Florida have : "We cater weddings" "WARNING--This truck has bad breath" and "Free snow removal" They got into a little trouble ten or so years back when there actually was snow in the northern end of their area--people called to have their snow removed. They said it had to be bagged and placed at the side of the road. When people called them up the next day to complain that they never picked up the snow, they said they'd be right over if it was still a problem. It, of course, wasn't as it'd warmed back up and everything'd melted. ---------------------------------------------------- One day after the TAM massacre, Deng Xiaoping and his fellow butchers were walking along a small river. The road leads to a narrow bridge. On their way to cross the bridge they found there was a donkey blocking the bridge. No matter how hard the guards tried, the stubborn donkey did not give up the bridge. Then Deng said to his fellows "Whoever can get rid of that donkey will be the new party boss". Li Peng hastily stepped out and shouted at the donkey "If you do not leave I will declare martial law on this bridge". The donkey did not move a step. "Let me try, let me try", said Yang Shangkuen, "if you do not leave that bridge right now, I'll call in the PLA with tanks and dum dum bullets to blow your head away". Upon no response from that donkey, Deng asked his son (Deng Pufang - a model of official profiteering) to give a try. Junior said softly: "If you leave the bridge I'll appoint you as the vice president of my company". The donkey seemed not interested in money. Several guys tried and failed. Then Jiang Zhiming (former Shanghai party boss) asked Deng if he can try. Since all of the powerful or rich ones tried and failed, Deng looked around and said: "Why not". Jiang slowly approached the donkey and whispered shortly in the donkey's ear. The donkey suddenly took off and screamingly ran away. "What did you say to that dummy?" Deng asked, and every body was anxious to know. Jiang said:"That was nothing, I just told him 'why not join our party?'". Jiang Zhiming got the job as new party boss! ---------------------------------------------------- What is Socialism? The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism. ---------------------------------------------------- It seems that in this small mid-western town a minister was given gifts by his congregation. An eldery woman comes up to him and presents him with several home-baked pies. He graciously accepts her gifts and heads for home. Later on, he and his friends decide to try these pies only to find that they are possibly the worst examples of Man's cooking skills yet to be discovered. Try as they might, they could not stomache the goods and finally were forced to dump the entire lot into the garbage. At the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the eldery woman again who asked, "Sir, did you enjoy my pies? I made them especially for you.." Not wishing to hurt the poor woman's feelings, and yet wishing to stay to the true course set for him, what could he do? Finally, inspiration hits upon him. "Madam, as God is my witness, I can truly say that no pie like yours lasts long around our house." ---------------------------------------------------- (One for the True News Digest) (From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service:) SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story: After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?" "Of course." DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?" "Of course." DED: Then why are you calling me?" "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser. "Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover." Like we said, he swears it's a true story. ---------------------------------------------------- LIVING IN CAGES LINKED TO CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS AP - The federal government today released the findings of a four year study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in laboratory rats. The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer. Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidents of colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount. The control group consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer within six months." Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time." Mr Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He responded: "Yea, we had an scientist at the lab ask that once. We had to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society; you know, conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker, always asking questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give anyone cancer?' We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence. The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions." When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr. Smith replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!" Mr Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend extended periods inside the animal's cages." When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr Smith responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there. Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer. You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the control rats from breathing so as not to invalidate the results by having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats." When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied: "Huh, what? You talking to me?" ---------------------------------------------------- There was a young boy named Rhee whose feet some times made funny musical noises. He didn't know why, and it happened rarely enough that he didn't worry about it. Well as he grew up in got into track, and did very well in long distance running. But as his body would hurt, his feet would each make a sharp muscial note. The left foot being higher. After graduating from college he become an Episcoplal clergyman. In talking with a friend they decided to oraganize a charity marathon. The Vicar ran and did very well, but the public got very excited about the noise his feet made. The headlines in the paper the next day told about The trill of Vicar Rhee in the agony of the feet. ---------------------------------------------------- A mobster had gotten very worried about some of his people, specifically three of his men seemed to be scheming to take over his operation. The boss arranged to have the three killed, then dumped into a hearse, and have the hearse driven into a deep part of the river. It was late at night and the driver just put the car in neutral and let it roll down the river. When he heard a big slash he figured the bodies were lost to the river. The next morning the police were at the mobster's door. They had found the car and there was enough evidence to convict the mobster. He should have known You can take a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.