*start* 15579 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 16 Feb 90 11:15:08 PST (Friday) Subject: Life 5.U From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Why is it you never see the headline... "PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY" ---------------------------------------------------- A man in a restaurant ordered a cup of coffee. "With or without cream, sir?", asked the waiter. "Without cream, please." The waiter returned from the kitchen, empty handed. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no cream. Will you take it without milk?" ---------------------------------------------------- From Dave Barry's 1989 In Review April 21: The U.S. Surgeon General warns that if you make a really ugly face, it could get stuck that way. ---------------------------------------------------- The original Star Trek crew is getting a little old. Capt. Kirk just flew the Enterprise 2 million light years with the left turn signal on. Jay Leno ---------------------------------------------------- "When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin." Lillian Carter ---------------------------------------------------- "I told the truth Lord! How can I learn any moral lesson if you keep confusing me like this." Mouse "Ladyhawke" ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund? Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie. ---------------------------------------------------- While filming a chase scene in a movie, the robbers were using a hearse for their get-a-way car, they went around a corner and the back door flew open and the casket slid out the back. The director yells, "Cut! You'd better go back and rehease that!" ---------------------------------------------------- Fireman to homeowner: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... basically your house burned even faster. ---------------------------------------------------- How Can You Tell if Your Car is a Lemon? Your car might be a lemon if: 1. You can't get your glove compartment closed because of all the repair receipts. 2. The guys at the garage recognize your voice on the telephone. 3. It has broken down more than once on the way back from the shop. 4. You can tell when they've rearranged the furniture in the shop's customer lounge. 5. You leave your keys in the car in the hopes that someone will steal it. 6. Someone tried to steal it, only it wouldn't start. ---------------------------------------------------- A employer was asked to write a recommendation for a worker who was leaving and was not known for putting out a great deal of effort while on the job. Since the employer did not want to lie and make this person better than he was, he thought a while before writing anything. Finally, he found just the right words: "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you." ---------------------------------------------------- Hear about the new breed in pet shops?..... They crossed a pit bull with a collie..... It bites your leg off and goes for help. ---------------------------------------------------- I was in a store yesterday that had a lamp on sale for $13.98, regularly priced at $8.99. I asked if one could purchase it for the regular price, not the sale price. ---------------------------------------------------- (From "News of the Weird", in the 21 January San Jose News) Animalens Inc. of Wellesley, Mass., markets red contact lenses for chickens (at 20 cents a pair), pointing to medical studies showing that chickens seeing red during the day are happier and eat less food. A spokesman said the lenses will improve world egg-laying productivity by $600 million a year. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sandy and Ian were out for the usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what, Ian. Let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a shilling that I score lower than you do this round." (Scotsmen, you see) "Sounds good, Sandy." And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives, they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Sandy could not find his ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for my ball!" "I'll look around from here, Sandy. Don't forget--a lost ball counts as four strokes!" Sandy looked around some more, but couldn't find his ball. Finally, out of desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it when Ian was not looking. "Ian, I've found me ball!" Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for even a shilling!" Sandy said "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found my ball, I'll play it where it lies!" Ian said "That's not your ball! I've been standing on your ball for five minutes!" ---------------------------------------------------- Remember such great counter-bumper-stickers as: "When in-laws are outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws" (in response to: "When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.") and "Play an accordion ... go to prison. That's the law!" (in response to: "Use a gun ... go to prison. That's the law!") Well ... accordion players have now struck back! Twenty-five accordion players, lobbying to have the accordion declared San Francisco's "official musical instrument," all played "Lady of Spain" VERY LOUDLY on the steps of City Hall yesterday. They wanted to perform inside the building, but officials feared 25 accordions playing in unison would further damage the building, already damaged by the recent earthquake. ---------------------------------------------------- The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 ---------------------------------------------------- [Condensed from San Diego Union, p. D-1, 15-Jan-90] It takes just seven ordinary, imperfect shuffles to mix a deck of cards thoroughly, researchers have found. Fewer are not enough, and more do not significantly improve the mixing. The mathematical proof, discovered after studies of results from elaborate computer calculations and careful observation of card games, confirms the intuition of many gamblers, bridge enthusiasts, and casual players that most shuffling is inadequate. The usual shuffling done by people produces a card order that is "far from random," Diaconis, the author of the discovery, said. "Most people shuffle cards three or four times. Five is considered excessive." The realization that most shuffled decks are not actually random allows gamblers to improve their odds of winning. "There are people who go to casinos and make money on this," Diaconis said. "I know people who are out there doing that now." Diaconis said he almost never sees a dealer shuffle seven times. Bridge players usually shuffle about four times, except in some tournaments where a computer randomly mixes the cards, said Edgar Kaplan, who is editor and publisher of Bridge World magazine. By saying that the deck is completely mixed after seven shuffles, Diaconis and Bayer mean that every arrangement of the 52 cards is equally likely, or that any card is as likely to be in one place as in another. The cards do get more and more randomly mixed if a person keeps on shuffling more than seven times, but seven shuffles is a transition point, the first time that randomness is close. Additional shuffles do not appreciably alter things. ---------------------------------------------------- Ever wonder whether anybody could be so dumb as to require instructions telling them how to play with a Slinky (a children's toy consisting of a large flexible spring)? Well, in case you were wondering HERE are the instructions that come with one: TO PLAY WITH SLINKY IN HANDS Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and lower each hand in a rhythmic motion. TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN Hold a few coils lightly in one hand, allowing rest of Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing motion, move hand slowly up and down. TO WALK SLINKY DOWN INCLINE OR SLOPE Any board or table top with a non-slip surface will do. Slope surface so rise equals about 1 foot for every 4 foot length. Place Slinky at top, flip and watch Slinky start down, end over end. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard a good procedure for determining whether a piece of software is "user friendly" or not. Ask yourself this question: "If this were a person, how long would it take before I punched it in the mouth?" ---------------------------------------------------- You've heard the terms Black Box and White Box testing. Here's a few of the less-known test methods. Black Box The tester has no clue as to what's going on inside. Often used by large corporations for software verification. More often NOT used by large corporations for software verification. White Box The tester knows the internals, but doesn't manipulate them directly. This is handy because the tester can avoid messy problems or functions that are likely to cause trouble. This is also know as "doing a demo" Open Box The tester directly manipulates the internals. This is handy because it allows the tester to test particular bits of code when other, important bits aren't even written yet. This is also knows as "rigging a demo" Toy Box The tester plays with the product. Often in ways in which the product was never intended to be used. The people at Underwriters Laboratories are experts at this. So is your three year old nephew. This kind of testing leads to lengthly disclaimers and warranties. Jack-in-the-Box The tester cranks on the product until something surprising happens. If nothing surprising happens, it gets marketed. If something surprising happens, it gets marketed as "new" and "improved" and the version number goes up by 0.0.1 Shoe Box The tester places the product in a dark closet or cupboard and forgets about it. Eventually, someone discovers that micro organisms have performed some astoundingly intense testing of their own. This provides the key "cleaning instructions" section of the manual. (If the product is software, this testing consists of putting the code under source management control, the software equivalent of a dark closet. The only difference is the no one will ever see it again.) Gray Box Marketing paints the product to gain a larger market share/ improve its ergonomics. This is especially interesting with magnetic media. This is also known as "platinum box" testing. Cardboard Box A rather trivial test of the packaging materials. You can tell if this step was neglected when your floppy disk arrives in a 3' shipping carton, packed in styrofoam peanuts. Strong Box Tests the physical integrity of the product. Often for military contracts, though HP does it just for the heck of it. 3 1/2 floppies were Strong Box tested, 5 1/4 floppies weren't. This test is near-impossible to perform with software, nevertheless, it is required for government contracts. ---------------------------------------------------- The cardboard box text reminds me of an article in Byte not long ago where they tested different types of bubble wrap by dropping monitors on it. The results were determined not by whether the monitor broke, but if the bubbles broke. ---------------------------------------------------- Computer Program Virtually Eliminates Machine Errors Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer program that through fresh application of an old technique - virtually eliminates lost time due to malfunction of computer components. Called OREMA (from latin "oremus", meaning "let us pray"), the program offers prayers at selected time intervals for the continued integrity of memory units, tape transports, and other elements subject to depravity. Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and FORTRAN. It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an automatic cycle, and operator intervention is required only for mounting tapes and making responses, such as "Amen", or "And With Thy Spirit", on the console typewriter. Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU by internal subroutines. Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as needed, after the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer reels are available for government installations. In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98.2 percent the average down time due to component failure. The manufacturer's spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only against malfunction of hardware. Requestor errors and other human blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later version to be called SIN-OREMA. Reprinted from Data Link, March 1966, which reprinted from the source, W.S. Minkler, Jr., the Pittsburgh section of the American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965. ---------------------------------------------------- DO, A LOOP ---------------------------------------------- DO, a loop, a normal loop, Array, a 2-D storage space, Me, recursion, I call myself, Bar, a variable to chase. No, a value meaning not, Yes, a term to follow No, C, a lang where >> will rot, That will bring us back to DO, Array, Me, Bar, No, Yes, C, DO, a loop, a...... Created by Jesse Mundis 11-14-89 *start* 25531 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 19 Feb 90 17:54:18 PST (Monday) Subject: Life 5.V From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Star Trek quotes: A father doesn't destroy his children. -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?", stardate 3468.1. A little suffering is good for the soul. -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away. -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her. -- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3 A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing. -- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4 A woman should have compassion. -- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2 Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business. -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars. -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2 Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder. -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ... -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 "Beauty is transitory." "Beauty survives." -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on. -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about. -- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4 But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it. -- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2 "Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate ..." "It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment -- the other side of the coin" -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4 Change is the essential process of all existence. -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2 Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's the one thing that keeps men ahead of them. -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man. And nothing can replace it or him. -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 Conquest is easy. Control is not. -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing. -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided. -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels? -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8 Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by ..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you ... the sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours ... you can feel her ... and the stars are still there. -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4 [Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers -- the living and the dying. -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown Each kiss is as the first. -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6 Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe. -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not. -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1 Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes. -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7 Every living thing wants to survive. -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 "Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth." "Or by misleading the innocent." -- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5. Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4 Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected. -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude. -- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 First study the enemy. Seek weakness. -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man. -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown "... freedom ... is a worship word..." "It is our worship word too." -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say, "Today I will be brilliant." -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 "Get back to your stations!" "We're beaming down to the planet, sir." -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 History tends to exaggerate. -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love). -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6 I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become greater than the sum of both of us. -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without constructive purpose. -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 I realize that command does have its fascination, even under circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever logically needs to be done. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7 I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right, they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards. -- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9 I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise. -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0 If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still tend to protect that child. -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes. -- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad. -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7 Immortality consists largely of boredom. -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians. -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 Insufficient facts always invite danger. -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 Insults are effective only where emotion is present. -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative. -- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7 Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the learning of each other? -- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3. Is truth not truth for all? -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.4. It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be. -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if they're attractive in some way. -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6 It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 It is necessary to have purpose. -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable -- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3 It would be illogical to kill without reason -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted -- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 "It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can do so much harm." "That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea." -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0 Killing is stupid; useless! -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 Killing is wrong. -- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown Knowledge, sir, should be free to all! -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 Landru! Guide us! -- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4 Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge. -- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 "Life and death are seldom logical." "But attaining a desired goal always is." -- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7 Live long and prosper. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here." "You admit that?" "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor" -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes. -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice. -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3 Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal. -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7 Many Myths are based on truth -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3 Men of peace usually are [brave]. -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 Men will always be men -- no matter where they are. -- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8 Military secrets are the most fleeting of all. -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4 Most legends have their basis in facts. -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5 Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God. -- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 No more blah, blah, blah! -- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6 No one can guarantee the actions of another. -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned. -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6 "No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war." "He talks of peace if it is the only way to live." -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5. No one wants war. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 No problem is insoluble. -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4 Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is. -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and it's still the same song. -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1 On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy, instead of saving it. -- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2 One does not thank logic. -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it. -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2 Only a fool fights in a burning house. -- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice. -- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5 Our way is peace. -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4040.7. Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled. -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2 Peace was the way. -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown Power is danger. -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready. -- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become insensitive. -- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7 Respect is a rational process -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion. -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3 Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on. -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9 Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor. -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown. Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie. -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8 Superior ability breeds superior ambition. -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 "That unit is a woman." "A mass of conflicting impulses." -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9 "The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile." "Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'" -- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4 The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal than to kill. -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 "The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity." "And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty." -- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8 The heart is not a logical organ. -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4 The idea of male and female are universal constants. -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her. -- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8 The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose. The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play. -- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8 The only solution is ... a balance of power. We arm our side with exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves both sides. -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being. -- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4 ... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get to know each other. -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5 "The release of emotion is what keeps us health. Emotionally healthy." "That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you." -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3 The sight of death frightens them [Earthers]. -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2 The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last. -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6 ... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories. -- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7 There are always alternatives. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 There are certain things men must do to remain men. -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4 There are some things worth dying for. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face .... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods. -- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3 There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's life, he is grateful. -- Nona, the Kanuto which woman, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8. There is an order of things in this universe. -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1 There's a way out of any cage. -- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown. There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help. -- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending. -- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things. -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 "There's only one kind of woman ..." "Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't." -- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1 This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject. -- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9 Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped. -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown To live is always desirable. -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9 Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing. -- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6 Totally illogical, there was no chance. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses. -- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3 Violence in reality is quite different from theory. -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4 Virtue is a relative term. -- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1 Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force. -- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3 Vulcans do not approve of violence. -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4 Vulcans never bluff. -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1 Vulcans worship peace above all. -- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3 War is never imperative. -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2 War isn't a good life, but it's life. -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 [War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill today! -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0 We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for us. -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5 We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of peaceful contact. -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3 We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior development. -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7 We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em! -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2 "We have the right to survive!" "Not by killing others." -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5 We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong should live. -- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2 "What happened to the crewman?" "The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in the way." -- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3. What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love. -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 "What terrible way to die." "There are no good ways." -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions -- and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently. -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3. When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel, building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lifes left behind in the thought records. -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence. -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1 Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on your human intuition. -- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown Without followers, evil cannot spread. -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5 Without freedom of choice there is no creativity. -- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4 Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more sheer horror than the male of the species. -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 Women professionals do tend to over-compensate. -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", stardate 1312.9. Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a woman. -- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9 Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil. -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in command attack while you sit and watch for weakness. -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9 You can't evaluate a man by logic alone. -- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But you imprison those who employ it privately. -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1 You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know. -- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8 You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're welcome," I believe, is the correct response. -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2 You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for you lie. -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers. -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 You! What PLANET is this! -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0 You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot. -- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6 You're dead, Jim -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 You're dead, Jim -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman. -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown Youth doesn't excuse everything. -- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder", stardate 5928.5. *start* 15528 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 24 Feb 90 20:29:00 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 6.1 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case." ---------------------------------------------------- Oxymoron: Standard UNIX ---------------------------------------------------- "All the news that fits, we print" - A. E. Newman ---------------------------------------------------- Yesterday I knew nothing, Today I know that. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard recently on National Public Radio; and rendered here as semi-quote (common punctuation mark in Washington DC) from memory, as best I can recall: Here come Democrats, Here come Democrats, Throwing money a-way! Lots of entitlements, Lots of bureaucrats, Eating money like hay! Republicans act just like Scrooge, They're counting nickels and dimes. And so between them both you see, It's Christ-mas All The Time! ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What does the "N" on Nebraska football players' helmets stand for? A: Knowledge. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard in the hours following the arrest for District of Columbia Mayor Marion Barry on narcotics charges in an FBI sting operation: What is Mayor Barry's favorite television show? ``Totally Hidden Video'' ---------------------------------------------------- THESE TWO BROTHERS WENT TO CONFESSION, THE YOUNGER ONE WENT IN FIRST. THE PRIEST ALWAYS LIKED TO ASK QUESTIONS FIRST TO THE CHILDREN SO THE PRIEST ASKED THE LITTLE BOY DO YOU NOW WHERE GOD IS ? THE LITTLE BOY RAN OUT AND TOLD HIS BROTHER LETS GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, THE PRIEST LOST GOD AND WANTS TO BLAME IT ON ME................................................... ---------------------------------------------------- TWO IDIOTS WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND ONE MAN SAID TO THE OTHER LOOK AT THAT DEAD BIRD. THE OTHER ONE LOOKED TO THE SKY AND SAID WHERE? ---------------------------------------------------- (From "News of the Weird") Ernest Coveley, 37, was sentenced to seven years in prison in London in November for 16 armed robberies, 14 of which were committed with a cucumber wrapped in foil to resemble a gun. (In the other two, he had used an iron bar because he said he could not afford a cucumber.) After each of the 14 robberies, Coveley said, he would eat his weapon. From Toto Ltd. of Japan comes the Sound Princess, whose only function is to emit the sound of flushing water so that modest public restroom users, who flush to mask the sound of their activity, will not have to waste water. ---------------------------------------------------- Never forget tht the darkest hour is only sixty minutes. ---------------------------------------------------- (Contributed by Scott Gellerman) The following quote is attributed to Neil Simon, who had just moved from New York to Hollywood: When it's 105 in NYC, it's 78 in LA. When it's 20 below in NYC, it's 78 in LA. Of course, there are 4 million interesting people to talk to in NYC, and 78 in LA. ---------------------------------------------------- The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. ---------------------------------------------------- From the first edition of a new UK newspaper "The Independent on Sunday". A man in Barnsley Yorkshire has placed a bet with Ladbrokes (a licensed betting company in the UK) of 220 pounds at odds of 5000 to 1 that a Maggie Thatcher will be defeated at the next UK general election by a space alien! ---------------------------------------------------- (From Newsweek Magazine, 5 Feb) "Someday we will live in a world free of shallow people who make judgements based on physical appearance. Until then, make your color and perm appointment at the Jon Giannos Salon." From an ad for the salon ---------------------------------------------------- (From "Best of Business" magazine, Winter 1989) Profits earned by Coca-Cola in Japan in 1987: $350 million Profits earned by Coca-Cola in the United States in 1987: $324 million ---------------------------------------------------- Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. ---------------------------------------------------- John von Neumann was in the audience at a physics talk. The speaker had put up a slide showing some widely scattered points. The speaker had bravely tried to fit a curve to the data, and had plotted a line. Von Neumann leaned over to a friend and whispered: "well, at least they lie on a plane." ---------------------------------------------------- Estimated amount of fat surgically removed from Americans in 1988, in pounds: 200,400 Estimated amount of silicone and collagen implanted in Americans in 1988, in pounds: 63,250 ---------------------------------------------------- Amount of dehydrated, drug-free urine sold by Byrd Laboratories of Austin, Texas, since 1986, in reconstituted gallons: 1,000 ---------------------------------------------------- Percentage of children in 1988 who said that Pee-wee Herman was "highly qualified" to be president: 8 Percentage who said that Michael Dukakis was "highly qualified": 8 ---------------------------------------------------- "And Michael Dukakis, oh boy. Popularity really plummeting there. In fact, even Willie Horton is claiming: 'Look, I hardly even knew the guy'." ---------------------------------------------------- I don't know if this report was intended as a joke, but it was reported on Q102 radio station monday in a serious manner. The report stated that on the return flight to Denver from New Orleans that John Elway's luggage was lost. ---------------------------------------------------- why can't Elway use the phone anymore? cause he can't find the receiver. Why does Elway eat his cereal from a plate? cause he's lost all 3 of his bowls. ---------------------------------------------------- The real score of the game was not 55-10, but 55-31. The Broncos hung around after the game and managed to put a few more points on the board. ---------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between cherios and the Broncos. A: Cherios belongs in a bowl! ---------------------------------------------------- John Elway couldn't get into his house Sunday night - seems someone had painted a goal line in front of his door! After the fourth Super Bowl loss by the Denver Broncos coach Dan Reeves has decided to retire. Most interested in filling in the open is Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka. As many people know he suffered a heart attack and his doctor has told him to stay as far away from professional as possible... ---------------------------------------------------- The Bronco 1990 football schedule: September 11 they are playing the Club scouts, tropp 221 September 12 the Spanish American War Vets ... ---------------------------------------------------- I read in the paper this morning that two of the Denver Broncos playbooks were stolen. John Elway is very upset. He hadn't finished coloring them. ---------------------------------------------------- On the way from Effingham, IL to Evansville, IN there is an exit that veers off to the right and ends about 15 feet later. The sign says "Lane Ends". ---------------------------------------------------- On the way up I-5 in Oregon, there is a Sign that looks like: |----------------------------| | | | BORING | | OREGON CITY | | | | NEXT EXIT | |----------------------------| ---------------------------------------------------- Someplace is trying to get drivers to drive more safely and with more caution. So, in an effort to show just what can happen and where, this Place is putting up little 'coffin' signs at the sights of accidents. ---------------------------------------------------- Actually, this isn't so weird. In Bolivia (where I'm from), they put crosses, and flowers along side the road where there has been an accident. These stay there for quite a long while. Some roads that are very twisted have these almost everywhere. It sure gives foreigners a scare when they first see them and are explained what they stand for. Then again, just driving around down there is pretty scarry - one lane roads become two lane roads at the blink of a traffic jam. ---------------------------------------------------- You think that's bad. There's a railroad crossing in the Philippines that was a site of frequent accidents. Despite numerous warning signs, drivers often failed to check for trains before driving through. As a final desperate attempt, the authorities built a platform and placed on top a badly battered Volkswagen Beetle -- supposedly driven by the latest careless driver. ---------------------------------------------------- There's a sign near the Delaware Memorial Bridge tollbooth that says INFORMATION POLICE ---------------------------------------------------- (Truth is always funnier than fiction - and this is a true story...) A group of 4 Germans from an HP division in Germany came to San Francisco and rented a car at the airport. As they took highway 101 (Bayshore Freeway) from the airport south, they perhaps forgot about our rather restrictive speed limits. Soon, they were pulled over for doing 100 mph. Not in the least flustered, the driver feigned lack of English knowledge. In broken English-German, he convinced the cop he thought 101 was the speed limit. And he was let go. ---------------------------------------------------- While driving between Madison WI and Milwaukee WI, there is a deer crossing sign...but with a twist. As you drive up on it (especially at night) you notice that someone stuck a red reflector at the tip of its nose... ---------------------------------------------------- My favorite is on Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in S. California. "No motorized bicycles, horses or dogs allowed on pier" Shades of the Bionic Woman... ---------------------------------------------------- I recall seeing this sign in a cull-de-sac in Minnesota: Street Terminates 00 Feet How's that for stating the obvious? (Your tax dollar at work :-) ---------------------------------------------------- On I-90, in Washington State, near the Columbia River, a sign: S C E N I C V I E W ---------------------------------------------------- A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway "Hire college students while they still know everything" ---------------------------------------------------- It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within boston confines. Two people cannot kiss in front of a church. All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday. Pedestrians always have the right of way. Anyone may let there sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays ---------------------------------------------------- In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tieing up horses. ---------------------------------------------------- There is/was a law on the books in Washington state that stated that a motorcar driven at night must be preceded by something like 100 yards by a man carrying a lantern..... ---------------------------------------------------- Stupid laws: In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a sunday! ---------------------------------------------------- Silly laws Pennsylvania: In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said: 1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear." 2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery." 3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes." -------- Utah: It is against the law to fish from horseback. -------- Ohio: In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses. -------- Indiana: Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs. -------- Kansas: No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas. -------- California: In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits. -------- Kentucky: A Kentucky statute says: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." Later, an amendment proposed: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses." -------- Oklahoma: Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window. ---------------------------------------------------- (From the February 1990 issue of Consumer Reports:) Ready, world? A copier that's slower than a pencil If you ever wanted to photocopy a letter or a recipe but haven't wanted to sink hundreds of dollars into a "personal" copier, you'll appreciate the appeal of the SONY HCP-C10 copier. (Photo posted outside SVHQ5 room 406) The stylish little gizmo, no bigger than an electric shaver, sells for $160 and promises to put a copying machine in the palm of your hand. Using the SONY is simple enough: You move the "read" end of the copier across the material to be copied. Then flip the copier over and push the "print" end across the paper you're using for the copy. A plastic-film ribbon, good for about 50 feet of printing, transfers the text onto the paper. What's the catch? We found several. The SONY copies only one LINE of text at a time. And not any line, mind you; the SONY couldn't handle type larger than the headline on this [article], and it couldn't produce acceptable copies of very small type, such as stock quotations from the newspaper. We had to move the copier at a stately pace of 75 seconds a line to make acceptable copies - that's 15 minutes to copy just a dozen lines of print. Pushing a pencil is faster and easier - not to mention cheaper. *start* 16236 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 1 Mar 90 12:12:09 PST (Thursday) Subject: Life 6.2 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright: I've really got into astronomy lately. So much so that I have installed a skylight in my ceiling. This really upsets the people that live above me. Steven Wright reports that he had "Call Waiting" on his phone. Now he needs TWO answering machines! I was driving down the street past a gas station ... saw 2 signs in the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". ---------------------------------------------------- fake Steven Wright jokes: i planted some bird seed. a bird came up. now i don't know what to feed it. i made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. then i took it to a potluck. i stood in line for some cake. they said "do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" i said "yes." my aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. she says if i'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. i went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. they said "what for?" i said "i'm going to buy some sugar." i eat swiss cheese. from the inside out. i had amnesia once or twice. i bought a million lottery tickets. i won a dollar. i got a chain letter by fax. it's very simple. you just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. the sun it never set on the british empire. but it rises every morning. the sky must have got awfully crowded. you know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. how many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? i was in the grocery store. i saw a sign that said "pet supplies". so i did. then i went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". when i was in boy scouts, i slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. a little old lady had to help me across the street. if you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're shakespeare? my roommate got a pet elephant. then it got lost. it's in the apartment somewhere. yesterday i told a chicken to cross the road. it said "what for?" i xeroxed my watch. now i have time to spare. i took a course in speed waiting. now i can wait an hour in only ten minutes. i eat swiss cheese. but i only nibble on it. i make the holes bigger. there aren't enough days in the weekend. ---------------------------------------------------- This may be a little out of season but from what I guess, you can plant kuzu any time of the year and enjoy it for generations to come. For those of you up north, yes this is a real plant, and rumor has it that there are odds being taken, on when Georgia will disappear under a cover of the stuff. ============================== Gardening Tips from Down South How to Grow Kudzu All you beginning gardeners out there might want to consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great adventure of gardenning in the south. Kudzu, for those of you not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple rules: Choosing a Plot: Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for best result you should select an area having at least some dirt. To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away from your neighbors house, unless, of course, you don't get along well with your neighbor anyway. Preparing the Soil: Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its attention and to prepare it for kudzu. Deciding When to Plant: Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and begin throwing rocks at you. Selecting the Proper Fertilizer: The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40 weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes first. Mulching the Plants: Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service, kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback, your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward you with redoubled determination in the long run. Organic or Chemical Gardenning: Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests. Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way. Crop Rotation: Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing season has reached its peak, you should list your house and lot with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house. {ed I didn't know what Kudzu was, so the submitter provided the following information.} From "The American Heritage Dictionary": ============================================================================= Kudzu (kood'zoo) n. A vine, Pueraria lobata, native to Japan, having compound leaves and clusters of redish purple flowers and grown for fodder and foiage. ============================================================================= Kudzu was introduced to Georgia earlier this century in an attempt to provide improved fodder for cattle. It worked ALL TOO WELL. Cattle do love kudzu but not nearly as much as kudzu loves Georgia. Georgia provides nearly ideal climate and growing conditions for this rapid growing and hardy perenial (that's "hardy", as in calling nuclear weapons "explosive"). People have been known to leave home on vaction down here only to return a week later to find cars and other LARGE objects buried under it's lush greener. It climbs telephone poles and crosses wires. It's eradication is a major expense to utility companies. The City of Atlanta has used bulldozers to dig up the tubers in vacant lots. It's resistant to most "safe" chemicals although 2,4,D has some effect if used frequently enough. It's sometimes call "yard-a-night" down here because that's how fast it seems to grow. The only question seems to be whether the "yard" referred to is that of "3 feet" or that of "front and back". Rumor has it that some of the roads in the more rural areas don't get enough traffic and will be covered by kudzu after a long holiday weekend. It is a very pretty vine in early spring and summer. It's broad leaves and flowers are quite attractive until you start to realize that the dead stick, that it's sunning itself on, use to be a hugh pine tree. In the winter, the first hard frost turns kudzu into tons of ugly brown leaves and thick vines. It becomes a real eyesore and possibly a fire hazard although I haven't heard of any actual kudzu fires. The plant regrows new vines from the ground up every year, so you can see it's growth rate must be phenominal. I understand that the Japanese make a highly regarded form of tofu from kudzu tubers. It is supposed to be prized for it's nutty flavor (soy tofu is rather bland). The Japanese cannot produce enough to meet their own demand and think we're NUTS for trying to eliminate it. I haven't been able to confirm this use for kudzu, but, if true, they may well be right. We've got plenty of hungery people and LOTS of kudzu! The existance of kuzu in a neigborhood has been known to, adversely, affect property values. The threat of planting kudzu in someone's yard is generally considered an extreme case of "fight'en words", potentially followed by "justifiable homicide". Regardless, you can still obtain kudzu seeds from several major seed companies who list it as a "hardy ornamental perenial". If understatement was a crime they'd be history. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Info-Mac Digest V7 #8. ELECTRONIC GRAINS The Vegetable Computer was invented in 1842 by Charles Cabbage, regarded by many as the father of the field. Cabbage called his computer the Agricultural Engine. Modern versions consist of rose and rose of integrated carrots connected to a flower supply by a maize of wires. Input is from pea switches, yard weeder, and tell-he's-ripe. A hayseed vine printer may be used to generate hard coffee, while a vegetable display unit supports interactive composting. Main memory consists of interleaved beet-addressable magnetic corn. Secondary store consists of plough discs and grape drives. All peripherals are daisy chained. A later version of the Agricultural Engine was known as AR-16 (after Agricultural Revolution). It was based on the sack discipline, first perfected by the Barrow Combine, and sprouted a high-swede paper tape reaper for the first lime. Early computer consumed large amounts of power. Many required their own electric spud-station to seed them and had to overcome the problem of providing adequate Lentilation. Such problems caused many a furrowed brow in the pasture and we cannot expect to avoid harrowing days ahead. However, the many fertile minds that constitute the rate- of-the-cart computer technology cannot fail to produce the harvest of the future, particularly with the bloom of very large scale irrigation. Artificial pollination techniques grafted on paralled earthworms will soon be producing computers proudly proclaiming "I think, therefore I yam." All chokoes aside, we can look beyond the melon-cauli thymes through the winnow of the ears till the salad days ahead. Lettuce advance to the world to two marrows. To those reactionaries who would turn back the docks we say, "hoe! hoe! hoe!". Herb and Russel Sprout, Rice Presidents, Assocn. for Cultivating Machinery ---------------------------------------------------- CONFUSER NEWS - Edition 4 Sun Microsystems recently pronounced that X-Windows is not an industry standard. A SUN spokeswoman claimed that it couldn't possibly be a standard as SUN has not invented it yet. "As soon as we come up with it, it will be made a standard" she said. "We expect to have a working X-Windows before the turn of the century and we promise to be first to market as we always are." SUN DOUBLES MTBF - SUN Microsystems claimed the MTBF leadership position in quality. "In the tradition of leading the industry, we at SUN are proud to claim the best quality increase. Once again, we lead not only in price/performance and support, but now we are the quality champion" said the new SUN Vice-President Jane Doe. "We increased our MTBF from 100 hours to 300 hours, a 300% increase. HP can't do that. The best they can do is 10.1 years to 10.2 years, a measly increase of less than 1%. That means we are more than 300 times better than HP! That's leadership." This reporter asked HP to respond but we were unable to find anyone in public relations or marketing. In related news, this reporter found out that the name "Jane Doe" is not the real name for the SUN Vice-President we had talked to. However, she said it was more convenient to use that name as it saved the company considerable money in not having to reprint business cards every time an executive left. ---------------------------------------------------- Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line one caught a virus, then there were nine. Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date, someone jambed a write protect, then there were eight. Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven, then they cut the budget, now there are seven. Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathamatics stored an even larger prime, now there are six. Six little gigabytes, working like a hive, one died of overwork, now there are five. Five little gigabytes, trying to add more plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four. Four little gigabytes, failing frequently, one used for spare parts, now there are three. Three little gigabytes, have too much to do service man on holiday, now there are two. Two little gigabytes, badly over run, took the work elsewhere, now just need one. One little gigabyte, systems far too small shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all. ---------------------------------------------------- Last night I dreamed that the Real World had adopted the "Unix Philosophy." I went to a fast-food place for lunch. When I arrived, I found that the menu had been taken down, and all the employees were standing in a line behind the counter waiting for my orders. Each of them was smaller than I remembered, there were more of them than I'd ever seen before, and they had very strange names on theuir nametags. I tried to give my order to the first employee, but he just said something about a "syntax error." I tried another employee with no more luck. He just said "Eh?" no matter what I told him. I had similar experiences with several other employees. (One employee named "ed" didn't even say "Eh?," he just looked at me quizzically.) Disgusted, I sought out the manager (at least it said "man" on his nametag) and asked him for help. He told me that he didn't know anything about "help," and to try somebody else with a strange name for more information. The fellow with the strange name didn't know anything about "help" either, but when I told him I just wanted to order he directed me to a girl named "oe," who handled order entry. (He also told me about several other employees I couldn't care less about, but at least I got the information I needed.) I went to "oe" and when I got to the front of the queue she just smiled at me. I smiled back. She just smiled some more. Eventually I realized that I shouldn't expect a prompt. I asked for a hamburger. She didn't respond, but since she didn't say "Eh?" I knew I'd done something right. We smiled at each other a little while longer, then I told her I was finished with my order. She directed me to the cashier, where I paid and received my order. The hamburger was fine, but it was completely bare... not even a bun. I went back to "oe" to complain, but she just said "Eh?" a lot. I went to the manager and asked him about "oe." The manager explained to me that "oe" had thousands of options, but if I wanted any of them I'd have to know in advance what they were and exactly how to ask for them. He also told me about "vi," who would write down my order and let me correct it before it was done, and how to hand the written order to "oe." "vi" had a nasty habbit of not writing down my corrections unless I told her that I was about to make a correction, but it was still easier than dealing directly with "oe." By this time I was really hungry, but I didn't have enough money to order again, so I figured out how to redirect somebody eles's order to my plate. Security was pretty lax at that place. As I was walking out the door, I was snagged by a giant Net. I screamed and woke up. *start* 17774 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 7 Mar 90 16:16:04 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.3 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- An East Berliner going to a bar parks his bike next to the wall. He comes back. There's no bicycle... and no wall! ---------------------------------------------------- "Workers of the world, we're sorry!" --Soviet protestor's slogan ---------------------------------------------------- >With the demise of the communist parties, will a red newspaper >be a thing of the past? No, not at all. We have at least one here in the People's Republic of Berkeley. ---------------------------------------------------- RONALD MCDONALD DEFEATS KARL MARX Moscow (Feb. 7) - Recent events leave no room for doubt: McDonald's restaurants cause democracy. One week of fast, courteous service has acheived political pluralism where 70 years of U.S. foreign policy could not. To review recent events: JAN 31: The first McDonald's in the Soviet Union opens in Moscow. Twenty-seven lines and a seating capacity of almost 700 ensure that mass indoctrination will be hasty. FEB 4: Hundreds of thousands demonstrate for a more open political system in the largest protest since the Russian Revolution. Heard chanted by the crowds late into the evening: "McFreedom! McFreedom!" FEB 7: The Communist Party of the Soviet Union overwhelmingly votes to abolish its legal monopoly on power. ---------------------------------------------------- Dr. Alexei Izyuromov of the Canada-US Institute in Moscow, recently related the following joke that was making the rounds among Soviet journalists: Under Brezhnev, the Soviet economy was led to the edge of an abyss. But under Gorbachov's policies, they have taken one great leap forward. ---------------------------------------------------- I want to be the kind of man whose passing is mourned rather than rejoiced ---------------------------------------------------- 1: Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? 2: No, what? 3: He was repossessed. ---------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Any similarities between what I say and what I mean are purely coincidental. ---------------------------------------------------- There was once was an old man from Esser Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all And now he's a college Professor. ---------------------------------------------------- Seen on a bakery delivery truck: Cakes 66 cents Upsidedown cakes 99 cents. ---------------------------------------------------- Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over there ice skating in this blizzard!" ---------------------------------------------------- Paddy goes into a Hardware store, and says "I'd like to buy some nails" and the storekeeper goes, "Paddy, paddy, you'll have to be more specific than that, I've got dozens of different types of nails, I mean, what sort of head, what diameter, how long would you want them?" and Paddy goes, "Well, i'd like to keep them if it's alright with you..." ---------------------------------------------------- A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician treats a patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant. -- Seneca ---------------------------------------------------- How come Mr. Mobius never seems to see more than one side to any question? ---------------------------------------------------- "COMPUTERS IN CRISIS: How to Avert the Coming Worldwide Computer Systems Collapse, by J. T. and M. J. Murray. Forecasts a total collapse governed by a precise deadline, generates tables showing the chaos that will be unleashed by the arrival of the year 2000 in a system of 6-digit dates enshrined by the National Bureau of Standards. 340 pages. Petrocelli. Pub. at $32.95. $3.95" ---------------------------------------------------- WOMEN ENJOY COMPUTERS MORE THAN MEN, SURVEY SAYS -- Rockford (Ill.) Register Star. Yes, but can computers take out the garbage? -- The New Yorker, 29 Jan 90, p.89. No, but they can generate it faster. -- PGN, 27 Jan 90. ---------------------------------------------------- As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 ---------------------------------------------------- My nomination for the quote of the (litigious) 1980's is: "Hey, Steve, just because you broke into Xerox's store before I did and took the TV doesn't mean I can't go in later and steal the stereo." Bill Gates, Microsoft, 3/14/89--as quoted in MacWEEK, 1/9/90 p. 23 ---------------------------------------------------- How about the best response to an unwanted pickup? Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Female impersonator. ---------------------------------------------------- Another example was that of a man whose wife had died. To save money he had his information put on the stone at the same time. Since he didn't know when he was going to die, he just had 1985 put on the stone. He walked around town for weeks afterward tolerating the folks who said, "I thought you were dead. Someone saw your stone with 1985 on it." HIS DESCENDANTS ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME TROUBLE. ---------------------------------------------------- Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." Harry Bender: "Imagine the appeals, Dissents and remandments, If lawyers had written The Ten Commandments" James Thurber: "I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere." Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C.": "If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were given choices." Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?" ---------------------------------------------------- The Cold War is over and we won. But recent celebration over the disintegration of the Communist bloc and the bankruptcy of socialism should not blind us to a consequent ecological tragedy -- the endangered-species status of the western leftist. The greater and lesser western leftists have lent color and absurdity to our political landscape for nearly a century now. Who, having ever encountered them in their once-numerous herds, can forget their odd and brightly colored plumage, their adept camouflages of ideological directions, their skill at posing for the media, and the endearingly complete stupidity with which they confronted a huge range of issues from superpower relations to energy policy? But, my friends, we are now in serious danger of losing this source of memetic variety to galloping habitat erosion. As it becomes clearer that socialism is a one-way ticket to economic failure and eventual political collapse, whole populations of western leftists are falling silent and dying off. Biomes in the entertainment industry, organized labor, institutional religion and the federal beaureaucracy that were once dominated by these creatures have been taken over by newer political species. Perhaps only the American professoriat and the so-called "underground" media still support viable breeding colonies. I call on all libertarians, centrists, and conservatives concerned with the encouragement of ecopolitical variety -- we must act now, before it is too late! A world without Mother Jones and Alexander Cockburn and infinite fatuities about "agrarian reformers" would be a smarter and happier place, yes -- but also duller. If we don't move to establish protected habitats now, the American leftist may well follow such lost species as the Whig, the Monarchist and the Know-Nothing into extinction within a decade. And then who would we have to kick around? Act Now -- Help Save the Vanishing Leftist! ---------------------------------------------------- I found the following professionally printed handbill posted on a door in the Georgetown physiology department. Did you know? EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, APPROXIMATELY 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE KILLED. ____________________________________________________________________________ Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. "A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't." ____________________________________________________________________________ +------------------------------------+ | Evening showing in Johnson & Wales | | Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 | +------------------------------------+ ============================================================================ SPONSORED BY Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) Student Bakers for Social Responsibility Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters ============================================================================ Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!" This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper. ---------------------------------------------------- And a shorter list of humorous one-line sayings that are computer-related... A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don Knuth After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. Real programs don't eat cache. Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher Swap read error. You lose your mind. This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This screen intentionally left blank. What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! ---------------------------------------------------- more of the fun one liners: A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library. A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing." -- Ferguson A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine. A motion to adjourn is always in order. A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family. According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. Actors will happen in the best-regulated families. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five. Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money. -- Hall Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters. Consultation: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." Crime does not pay... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way. Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper. Elections come and go, but politics are always with us. Engineers... they love to change things. -- Leonard McCoy MD Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first. For adult education, nothing beats children. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. -- Main Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. -- Wiker Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. Heat expands: In the summer the days are longer. Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. Humor is the best antidote to reality. I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. -- the Wizard of Oz I do desire we may be better strangers. -- Shakespeare I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -- Brilliant I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -- Benjamin Disraeli I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey I'm pretty good with BS but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking. If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. -- Sheridan If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it. If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in? If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos. -- Stoppard If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be? Imports are ports very far inland. In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much you save. In English, every word can be verbed. In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it. Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it. Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone. Life is a game of bridge -- and you have just been finessed. Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out. Life is like an analogy. Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong. Love your enemies. It will make them crazy. Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs. Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes. Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments. Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt. May you have many friends and very few living enemies. Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas Nobody knows the trouble I have been. Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature. Only fools are quoted. -- Anonymous Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash Our problems are mostly behind us. Now we have to fight the solutions. Packrat's credo: "I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste." Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice. Predestination was doomed from the start. Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun. Sailing: A form of mast transit. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. Spinster: A bachelor's wife. The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. The chief cause of problems is solutions. The death rate on Earth is: One per person. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Einstein The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please multiply by i and dial again. The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z. There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. -- Shick There is no time like the pleasant. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. We are all self-made, but only the rich will admit it. *start* 15696 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 14 Mar 90 20:38:53 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.4 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bank with the intention of getting a loan. He walks up to a person behind a desk and says, "I'm in need of a loan and would like to talk to someone in charge." "I'm sorry sir, but the loan arranger is not in right now." "That's alright," said the man, "then I'll a-talk to Tonto." ---------------------------------------------------- While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question: Have you ever breast fed your baby? a) Yes b) No c) Don't Know ---------------------------------------------------- "If you smoke on the premises, we shall assume you are on fire and treat you accordingly..." ---------------------------------------------------- From the "kids say the darndest things" department. My 5 year old recently informed me that: - Bikes that don't have motors are "pedalized" [vs. motorized]. and - Tyranosaurus Rex is named that because he "rex" all the other dinosaurs stuff. ---------------------------------------------------- Quoted anonymously in the unix fortune cookie database: The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. ---------------------------------------------------- The "Los Angeles Reader" always has some interesting items on the last page. Thought you might enjoy some of them... Moments before the start of a statewide meeting in September of a North Carolina task force on improving its students' SAT scores, officials discovered that the banner behind the stage read, "Excellance [sic] in Secondary Education". [Reminds me of the "Peninsula Acheiver's Academy," advertised in a banner promoting a new kindergarten aimed at giving children a good head start in their education -- Moderator] In North Bay, Ontario, in October, Jim Lawrence and Bradley Sayeau fell through a third-floor window during a kick-boxing match at a martial-arts club and landed on a pedestrian, who was the least seriously injured of the three. Ernest Coveley, thirty-seven, was sentenced to seven years in prison in London in November for sixteen armed robberies, fourteen of which were committed with a cucumber wrapped in foil to resemble a gun. (In the other two, he had used an iron bar because he said he could not afford a cucumber.) After ach of the fourteen robberies, Coveley said, he would eat his weapon in a sandwich. ---------------------------------------------------- Los Angeles Times, March 8: The SR-71 Blackbird spy plane -- the one that made a 68-minute flight from California to Washington, D.C. last Tuesday -- was originally called the RS-71. But when President Johnson made the first public announcement of the Blackbird during a national telecast, he called it the SR-71. So the designation was changed on 30,000 engineering drawings of the aircraft, making it officially the SR-71. If the boss says it's an SR-71, it's an SR-71. ---------------------------------------------------- from space digest, where there is an ongoing argument concerning the fact that the guy from JPL who forwards all the JPL news uses the US system of measurement (mistakenly called Imperial), and whether it should be metric ... ------------------------------ Date: 14 Feb 90 17:16:16 GMT From: bnrgate!bnr-fos!bmers58!pdbain@uunet.uu.net (Peter Bain) Subject: Re: Imperial measurements There is a story about a software contractor who was hired to write code to calculate range tables for the US Navy. They used feet for altitude and statute miles for range. "No! We're the Navy. Use NAUTICAL miles!" the Navy said. So the contractor changed the code to use nautical miles for the range. And negative fathoms for the altitude. -peter ---------------------------------------------------- From Risks Digest 9.61 Taken from the "Sydney Morning Herald" 15 Jan 90: ``A [Sydney] reader recalls his time in Zimbabwe, when computer setting was installed at the country's main commercial printers. A supervisor from the hot-metal printing days had always used a mallet to jog the linotype machines back into action, and found that old habits die hard. The result? A technician flown in from Johannesburg to repair a badly bruised computer.'' ---------------------------------------------------- An article in the Spring 1990 issue of Arlo Guthrie's Rolling Blunder Review describing the risks of reading RBR concludes with the flawlessly logical sentences: "In other words, if our readers understand that they do not understand what they are reading then they must possess an understanding which is superior to the meaning which caused that misunderstanding. "Only a sense of humor stands between pain and pleasure. Nothing worth reading can be read." Say, what? ---------------------------------------------------- Seen in an ad for a company that sells computer hardware: Big Type: "100 Meg drive -- our best price! $888" Lower down, in a list of drive/prices: "100 Meg -- $848" ---------------------------------------------------- If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979) "Give us a copper Guv" said the beggar to the Treasury statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I haven't eaten for three days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And how does that compare with the same period last year?" (Russell Lewis) "I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political statistic." (Winston Churchill) ---------------------------------------------------- "You haven't told me yet," said Lady Nuttal, "what it is your fiance does for a living." "He's a statistician," replied Lamia, with an annoying sense of being on the defensive. Lady Nuttal was obviously taken aback. It had not occurred to her that statisticians entered into normal social relationships. The species, she would have surmised, was perpetuated in some collateral manner, like mules. "But Aunt Sara, it's a very interesting profession," said Lamia warmly. "I don't doubt it," said her aunt, who obviously doubted it very much. "To express anything important in mere figures is so plainly impossible that there must be endless scope for well-paid advice on the how to do it. But don't you think that life with a statistician would be rather, shall we say, humdrum?" Lamia was silent. She felt reluctant to discuss the surprising depth of emotional possibility which she had discovered below Edward's numerical veneer. "It's not the figures themselves," she said finally. "it's what you do with them that matters." (K.A.C. Manderville, The undoing of Lamia Gurdleneck) ---------------------------------------------------- Some fun answering machine messages: "I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal." "Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell." I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. [For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. Hello, Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can not come to the phone right now -- he's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he.will.return.your.call. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ---------------------------------------------------- I used to work on a telephone testing switchboard, which had a test number used by other telephone areas (complicated, but true :-). This number was only used by pre-arrangement, so if it rang unexpectedly, it HAD to be a wrong number. If we were feeling malicious, the conversation went like this... Hello, Swansea wrong numbers, can I help you? er, who are you? Swansea wrong numbers... what do you do? Every time someone dials a wrong number, we answer it and put you right... Oh... thank you... I couldn't help wondering how long it took before the flaw in the logic of what happened sank in! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Service Interaction This was in a letter from a friend of mine who works at XXXX. I thought it would be a good example of what feature interaction can actually do. . . A particularly insidious kind of sales call now appearing in several cities is one which is initiated by computer, and contains recorded questions by some mellifluous voice that requires answers in simple digits or "yes" and "no". A voice recognition circuit then processes your answers and asks further questions based on your former answers. The sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again. One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows: [PHONE] *RING* [ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." (The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.) [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------] [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [---------------------END LOOP -----------------------] My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again. ---------------------------------------------------- These definitions were taken from "Whut Makes You Thank Teksuns Tawk Funny" a dictionary of the Texas language by Ken Rigsbee The Grayte State uh Teksus defines: Aukerd- clumsy, inept, embarrassing. "Ah shore felt aukerd when thuh outhouse wall fayul down."- awkward Cawdja-past tense of "cawya". "Herd Joe cawdja last night."-Called you Code-opposite of hot. "Ah gotta code."- cold Cuz-normally comes before reason. "Ah didunt go ovur tuh town cuz Ah habumt got no money."- because Everwonsinawhahl-periodically, but frequently. "Ah git tuh drahv mah Pappa's pickem'up truk evurwonsinawhahl."- ever once in a while Frayed- an affirmative or negative response. "Ahm frayed so." or "Ahm frayed not."- afraid Guf- a large body of water for which a previously named large and independent oil company was named ( since bought out). "Thuh closest thang waygot tuh un oshun iz thuh Guf uh Messyco"- gulf ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter- clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." *start* 16509 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 22 Mar 90 10:19:20 PST (Thursday) Subject: Life 6.5 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright: I'm going to get a tatoo over my WHOLE BODY ... of ME, but TALLER! I bought some land that was kind of cheap. It was on someone else's property. I bought a cordless extension cord. Yesterday I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. And you can tell by looking at it. I hate to think about the past. It just brings back so many memories! Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. Imagine how deep the ocean would be if you took them out! I woke up and started folding my bed back into a couch and almost broke both my arms, because it's not one of those beds! I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing. I tried to DRAW my shadow once, but I couldn't ... my arm kept moving. I bought a blank tape at the stereo store, and came home and put it on my stereo. A few minutes later there's a knock at my door. It's a neighbor complaining. He's a mime. (I didn't REALLY hear him knock!) I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hind-sight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks! ---------------------------------------------------- Wesley: Gosh, Worf, how do Klingons get baptized? With water? Worf: Klingons do *NOT* get baptized with water. We prefer fire. ---------------------------------------------------- We are not so concerned with what the members of the Church of Jeasus Christ of Latter-day Saints think, as we are that they think. (Hugh B. Brown said something like this. Can't find the quote.) ---------------------------------------------------- I'm PROUD to be a CARBON-BASED life form! ---------------------------------------------------- What is your favorite subatomic particle: Q: What is the definition of a tachyon? A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard from Jay Leno on The Tonight Show: They're filming Rocky V now. This one's being billed as "Rocky's Greatest Challenge," so I guess there's an IQ test involved. ---------------------------------------------------- These two old guys (I mean, they were really _ancient_) were sitting on a park bench warming themselves in the summer sun. A very shapely young lady walks past them. One of them turns to the other and says, "Say, do you remember how we used to chase after such young women?" The other guy thinks for several minutes and then says, "Yes, I can remember chasing them, but I don't remember why." ---------------------------------------------------- Why is there no meat in the Soviet Union? The courageous Soviet peoples have made such great strides on the road to communism that the cattle could not keep up. (from The WSJ, 3/7/90) ---------------------------------------------------- The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Isrealis lost no planes. Sometime later the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles." "No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!" ---------------------------------------------------- Bush and Gorbachev decided to get themselves frozen for a hundred years to see how the current political situation resolved itself. After the time was up they were thawed, and started to read newspapers to catch up on the situation. Gorbachev started to laugh. In response to Bush's question he said, "I see that the dollar is still getting weaker." Then Bush started to laugh. In response to Gorbachev's question of why, he said, "I read that there is renewed fighting on the German-Chinese border." ---------------------------------------------------- According to American Rifleman: Romanian national shooting team members, including 1988 free pistol gold medalist Sorin Babii, were cited for "genuine acts of heroism" by the Romanian news agency. Although reports were rather sketchy, it would seem the marksmen applied their skills to wipe out a group of "terrorists" that presumably were loyal to deposed dictator Nicolae Ceausescu. To me, this would seem to make the marksmen professionals rather than amateurs and thus disqualifies them from future Olympic competition. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear the one about.................. There is a lady driving down a one way street going the wrong way, and a policeman hails her over to the curb and says, "Hey, lady! Didn't you see the arrows?" To which the lady replies, "Sorry, officer. I didn't even see the indians!" And along the same vein (Cartoid, in the throat).............. The same lady is driving down another one way street going the wrong way, and ANOTHER policemen waves her down and says, "Hey lady! This is a one way!" To which the lady replies, "But officer, I'm only going one way!" Once again (this could get sickening after awhile)........... The lady is driving down ANOTHER one way street going the wrong way, and another policeman pulls her over and says, "Hey, lady! Where do ya think yer goin?" To which she says, (she's getting good at this by now) "I don't know officer. But I must be late. They're all coming back!" ---------------------------------------------------- >It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad >crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed >until the other has gone. > In one of those "true facts" books there was an explination for this law. It seems that one of the state senators did not want a law passed. To to keep this particular law from passing he attached the train law to it. Hoping that that his fellow senators would discover the train law attached, see how rediculous it was, and not pass the laws. Nobody saw the the train law attached and passed both laws. This may not be the real reason, but it sounds good. And it might explain some of the laws we have to live with. ---------------------------------------------------- Years ago, I read that habaeus corpus (the principle that a person cannot be held in jail without a warrant) originally passed in the English parliment when the person counting the votes jokingly counted a fat legislator as ten votes. According to the article, the bill would not have passed otherwise. (If anyone has a solid reference for this story, email it to me. I read it in Parade magazine. I'm posting this to two very different groups, so direct follow-ups accordingly.) ---------------------------------------------------- 3 Funny telephone answering machine messages: [imitating Ensign Chekov] "Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!" A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. 1: Room 17, the final frontier. 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" ------------------------ Originally-From: aurenz%tle.DEC@decwrl.dec.com (Scot Aurenz, zko2-3/n30) The Five Yorkshiremen: The Next Generation Y1: Who would've thought that we'd be on a ship that could separate in times of battle and keep most of the crew safe? I remember when the whole ship used to go to yellow alert every time we entered an ion storm. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to double yellow alert whenever the captain fell into an obelisk, came out thinking he was a god, and married an Indian woman. Y3: You were lucky. We had to go to yellowish-red alert every time a woman came on board and stole the first officer's brain. Y4: You were lucky to have a woman on board. We had to go to red alert when we were attacked by a mutant salt creature disguised as a woman. Y5: Luxury! We had to go to double red alert every time the captain found an overloading phaser in his quarters. Y1. Oh, we used to dream of having an overloading phaser in the captain's quarters. We had to go to triple red alert every time the blood- sucking gas cloud got into the ship through impulse vent number two. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to quadruple red alert, blow up our own ship, steal a Klingon bird of prey (which doesn't even have a red alert), go to Vulcan to revive the dead captain, go back in time and get two whales, come back and crash land in San Francisco Bay, all on a Klingon triple black alert. Y3: And if you'd try to tell that to these young officers today, they wouldn't believe you. Others: Nope. No they wouldn't. ---------------------------------------------------- The following is quoted from an interview with Freeman Dyson in the Spring 1988 TECHNE Journal of Technological Studies from the VTS department at Stanford. There are lots of idiots, of course, in NASA, but my view of NASA is rather like the Royal Air Force used to be in the old days when I worked for the Royal Air Force during the war. If you had an officer who was a dud, you put him in the command headquarters because he would do less damage there than he would out in the squadrons. So all the duds accumulated at the headquarters -- this is what has happened at NASA for the last thirty years or so. Acutally, there are lots of very fine things, but they're all out in the stations. If you look at JPL out here in California, or you look at Goddard which is in Maryland, they're doing very well. I think JPL is running the Voyager missions, which of course have been beautifully done. The Voyager went to Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and will go to Neptune next year. That's a fantastically good mission, which is run at JPL, and then there is the IUE, run at Goddard. So there are these very good, what NASA calls, the centers, these places where the technical work is done. And there is this terrible bunch of idiots in Washington at the headquarters which messes everything up. So I think if you just abolish the Washington office, NASA would be in very good shape. We actually tried that out during World War II. There was a very analogus problem we had in 1943. The German armaments industry was doing very well, they were producing a tremendous lot of armaments and we wanted to put a stop to that. We found out thtat all the head offices of these armament firms were in Dusseldorf and that was where all the paperwork was done. So we decided we would really destroy Dusseldorf and disorganize the whole system. We went in there one night and it was a very succesful operation and Dusseldorf really burned down to the ground. And then, in the next few weeks, the armament production went up like a rocket. ---------------------------------------------------- The following is a BMW ad that appeared in the GLOBE and MAIL last April 1. It was a "genuine" BMW ad. BMW INTRODUCES ITS NEWEST INNOVATION: ROAD WARMERS. Having spend the last twenty years perfecting the sports sedan, BMW has now taken up the ultimate challenge - perfecting the road. Road Warmers are the result of twenty years of German engineering. And represent perhaps the single most important contribution to the automotive industry in the past decade. Road Warmers employ laser technology to ensure constant road conditions. The way in which they operate is simple. Underneath the car, four pivoting convex lasers are mounted in front of each wheel. The lasers are aimed at the pavement directly in front of the tread stance. They work in tandem with five speed turbo fans. So not only do they manage to melt snow and ice, they also dry the road of excess moisture. And virtually eliminate the need to clear your driveway during winter. Inside the car, the driver is continually apprised of climatic conditions through BMW's onboard computer and Active Check Control. This enables the driver to set the road to a temperature that best suits their level of performance. The result is a road that never changes. Four seasons become one. And performance is assured like never before. Eventually Road Warmers will be standard on all new BMWs. But as part of a special offer, your dealer will install them on your present car free of charge. But you should hurry. Currently offer is only available April 1st, so you would be a fool to miss this one. THE ULTIMATE DRIVING EXPERIENCE. BMW ---------------------------------------------------- REAL PROGRAMMERS: Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts - look how much good it did for them. Don't have a piece of the Berlin Wall on their desk - unless it has some grafitti applauding Gorby. Don't Believe in schedules. Planners Make up schedules. managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to Meet schedules. Real programmers Ignore schedules. Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping. Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions. Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche... Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. ---------------------------------------------------- It is not wise to press the break key, my son. When all else fails, burn the instructions. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them. The solution to a problem changes the problem. Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. That's not a "bug", that's a feature. If you can't debug it, deplug it. It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand a correct one. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. "Confucious say too much." -- recent Chinese saying Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte. Quit reading these messages, and get back to work. Celibacy is not hereditary. ---------------------------------------------------- ANCESTRY WHEN SPEAKING OF OUR ANCESTRY, MY MOTHER'S EYES WOULD SHINE, AND PROUDLY SHE WOULD TELL US ALL: "YOU'RE OF THE TUDOR LINE." BUT FATHER WITH A SMILE WOULD SAY: "WHILE BEARING THAT IN MIND, YOU KEEP YOUR EYES ON GOALS AHEAD; NOT THOSE THAT BE BEHIND." "YOU HAVE A NOBLE ANCESTRY, BUT ALL ARE DEAD AND GONE, 'TIS YOU WHO HAVE TO PROVE YOUR WORTH, NOT THOSE WHO'VE JOURNEYED ON." "AND BACK ALONG THAT TUDOR LINE, 'TIS SORRY TRUTH I STATE, THERE MAY BE SOME YOU CAN'T APPROVE, AND EVEN SOME YOU'D HATE." "THE WAY TO PROVE YOUR ANCESTRY, IS WHAT YOU ARE YOURSELF; NOT BY THE CHARTED FAMILY TREE, IN BOOK UPON THE SHELF." "SO TRY TO BE AN ANCESTOR, WITHIN THE TIME ALLOWED, OF WHOM YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN, IN THE FUTURE CAN BE PROUD." ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 15725 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 4 Apr 90 10:44:45 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.6 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma? A: A documentary. A camel is a horse designed by committee. A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec. I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete. What is the most heavily armored vehicle in the world? An Iranian Bookmobile! ---------------------------------------------------- At Mesa Verde in Colorado are the impressive ruins of cliff dwelling Anasazi Indians. The local help kept a book of interesting questions asked by tourists, including: How much does it weigh? Why did they build it so far from the highway? ---------------------------------------------------- Seen on a door in my appartment building: This door must be kept closed. By order of Saanich Fire Department. In case of fire, it protects you from heat, smoke, and toxic gasses. That particular door opens to the outside world, in particular, a major traffic intersection. Maybe the Saanich Fire Department knows something about local air pollution that I don't? ---------------------------------------------------- Parables of an incarcerated man: - If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Chinese throw hot dogs? - Was Robin Hood's mother know as Mother Hood? - How do you know when you run out of invisible ink? - Why does sour cream have an expiration date? - What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Co.? - How do you explain counter-clockwise to someone with a digital watch? ---------------------------------------------------- (From 'News of the Weird" in the San Jose Mercury News) A company in California has started to market "camouflage toilet paper" for use in the woods and plans to run testimonials from hunters who claim they have been shot at while using ordinary toilet paper (by hunters who mistook them for white-tailed deer). ---------------------------------------------------- Over heard from some IBM employees at a San Jose watering hole. IBM: You can buy better, but you can't pay more. ---------------------------------------------------- [Remark by Clive James on `Start the Week' this morning] Rupert Murdoch thinks an independent editor is one who says `Yes!' without being prompted. ---------------------------------------------------- Amazing. Then again, maybe it's not. Where I work, an end-user (now, *there's* an interesting label) called one day, and said the new software she got was fine, but she couldn't find her any key, "like when it says, 'press any key to continue'". When I was a security guard, I got the "May I use the bathroom?" query a few times. I don't think I was *that* threatening. One morning, I had two key rings loaded with keys hanging from my belt, and I was asked how I'd gotten into the building. ---------------------------------------------------- What is small and yellow and very dangerous? A canary with the super-user password! ---------------------------------------------------- 'Tis the dream of each programmer Before his life is done to write three lines of APL And make the damn things run ---------------------------------------------------- The Meta-Turing Test: I'll call something intelligent when it attempts to construct objects and apply Turing tests to them. -Lew Mammel, Jr. ---------------------------------------------------- "Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans to pass the Turing test." -- David Bedno ---------------------------------------------------- They say there are two types of people who fly exclusively on Boeing planes: 1. Boeing engineers. 2. McDonnell Douglas engineers. ---------------------------------------------------- "Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle of it, but you don't want to see it again." Ted Turner ---------------------------------------------------- Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes! ---------------------------------------------------- A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. ---------------------------------------------------- Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood. -Louise Beal ---------------------------------------------------- A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?" The cop answered, "Ours, I hope." [Heard in the halls, original source unknown.] ---------------------------------------------------- The version I heard from some friends I had in Lebanon at the time was: You know the President of Syria, Hafez el-Assad (sp?), yah well he gives all his pilots ten bucks before he sends them off to the Israellis, -- to get a taxi back home. ---------------------------------------------------- The flagships of the British and American fleets were passing each other sometime ago. The admiral of the American fleet signaled to the British Admiral: 'How is the world's second largest navy?'. The British admiral signaled back: 'Very well thank you. How is the world's second best?'. ---------------------------------------------------- War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that Nothing is worth war is much worse. The per- son who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. --- John Stewart Mill ---------------------------------------------------- "It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power. When they do act, they think of it as service, which has limits. The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insa- tiable, implacable." David Brin _The Postman_ ---------------------------------------------------- Article 2321 of alt.folklore.computers: Date: Wed, 14 Mar 90 20:49 EST From: Steve Strassmann To: unix-haters@ai.ai.mit.edu Subject: [drewry@decwrl.dec.com: what to do with a PDP-11/73] Date: Wed, 14 Mar 90 16:50:22 -0800 From: drewry@decwrl.dec.com (Raymond Drewry) From: Michel Jackson From: karl@giza.cis.ohio-state.edu (Karl Kleinpaste) Subject: How do you measure nuclear warhead yield? This is something I learned at the USENIX Conference in January that I've been meaning to post here, but have managed to forget about until now. While chatting with some network acquaintances at the hotel bar (all the important discussion occurs at the bar, of course, preferably well past midnight), a friend who does sysadmin work at Los Alamos National Labs told us a marvelously funny story about how the fun folks at LANL measure yield from nuclear detonations. After all, they have to experiment, I guess, and one has to learn how much bang-for-the-Mbuck one is getting. The solution at LANL (note that this is now an 8-week-old memory, details may be somewhat inaccurate): Find a Qbus-based PDP-11 (e.g., 11/73) "which you no longer love." Install a DEQNA ethernet controller card in the backplane. Park the box at/near/over the hole. Connect a cable to the DEQNA and drop it down into the hole. DEQNAs have a TDR (time domain reflectometer) built right into the controller. TDR is useful for finding cable shorts and, in general, learning the length of one's ethernet cable. Before detonation, begin having the PDP-11 repeatedly exercise the DEQNA's TDR, recording and transmitting the length determined to some other (presumably distant :-) site. Detonate. As the beastie blows things to smithereens all around itself, the cable will be rapidly eaten away. TDR readings from the DEQNA will show a drastically reducing cable length. The speed with which the cable, ah, degenerates will correlate very closely with warhead yield. Just think, your tax dollars at work, ridding the world of PDP-11s... --karl PS- No, I'm not kidding. ---------------------------------------------------- From various sig files: So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW??? Life is too important to be taken seriously. I used to think the mind was the most important part of a person. Then I realized what part of me is telling me that. "One must think heroically to act like a merely decent human being." If you wish peace, work for justice. --Pope Paul VI "It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid." -- Barney Rubble Rumour has it that Larry Wall, author of RN, is a finalist in the race for the Nobel Peace Prize for his invention of the kill file. "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." - Last words of PANCHO VILLA This guy comes over to my house and says, "I want to read your gas meter." I said, "Whatever happened to the classics?" -- Emo Philips "Dad, what's that building?" "That's an ancient Norman watchtower... where they would watch for Norman! They haven't spotted him yet..." -- actual conversation between my Dad & me The ideal situation is to have real computing power close at hand - right at home. Something that dims streetlights and shrinks the picture on the neighbors TV when you crank it up. Archaeologists date anything! "To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem" There is one difference between a discussion and a flame. A discussion is about an issue. A flame is about someone involved in a discussion. "To be or not to be..." (2b) || !(2b) TRUE Loses something in translation, eh? "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time someting like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan 1987 CSICOP Keynote Address I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS. There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. || - Jeremy S. Anderson I can't resist (as the superconductor said). Verily it is said, there is nobody true revolutionaries hate so much as the man who hints that paradise might be possible without the revolution. Or, as Santayana put it: "fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim". Remember... like.. your doen' everyone a favor man when you go lawyer hunten'. Cause... like they destroy valuable crops and stuff... you know if money grew on trees man lawyers would have ... like... long necks like gerafs... no man ... they would ... honest dude... "We are all tired of being stuck on this cosmical speck with its monotonous ocean, leaden sky and single moon that is half useless....so it seems to me that the future glory of the human race lies in the exploration of at least the solar system!" - John Jacob Astor, 1894 Tip #268: Don't feel insecure or inferior! Remember, you're ORGANIC!! You could win an argument with almost any rock! There are actually five billion types of people in the world, but aside from the fact that cataloging them would be more exhausting than exhaustive, this does not allow us to generalize, and is therefore useless. Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. "Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin." John von Neumann Don't worry- I haven't lost my mind....its backed up on tape *somewhere*.... " Scientists are peeping toms at the Keyhole of Eternity " -- Arthur Koestler "But a machine that was powerful enough to accelerate particles to the grand unification energy would have to be as big as the Solar System -- and would be unlikely to be funded in the present economic climate." -- Stephen Hawking Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. antisesquipedalial - opposed to the use of large words Disclaimer: My employers seldom even LISTEN to my opinions. Meta-disclaimer: Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers. ---------------------------------------------------- >From: lui@cbnewsm.ATT.COM (wayne.w.lui) Newsgroups: soc.culture.japan Subject: A loo full of technology Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories (9/12) Title: a loo full of technology+ .. japanese technology is plumbing new depths -- it's created the intelligent toilet. Last october, toto ltd., omron corp. And nippon telegraph and telephone corp. (ntt) jointly developed the ultimate in informa- tion technology: the fancy flusher. Makers say a trip to this toilet may save you a trip to the doctor. the intelligent diagnostic system packs the latest state-of- the-art goodies. the toilet bowl has a sensor to perform urine analyses and then zaps the data onto a display screen that shows the concentration levels of sugar, protein, urobilinogen, and blood in the urine for the occupant's viewing. Users can chart their blood pressure by sticking their left index finger into a sensor-sensitive unit on the toilet. the in- formation then can be viewed on the second screen of the diagnos- tic system. What goes in also comes out. the diagnostic system has a printer and an integrated circuit (ic) memory disk card drive that can store up to 130 examinations. the ic card can also be inserted into a compatible computer system for simple record up- dates. the intelligent toilet is on display at computer architect ken sakamura's tron intelligent house in the trendy tokyo dis- trict of roppongi. Ntt officials see the diagnostic system eventually having on-line communications capabilities enabling users to send infor- mation directly to hospitals or clinics. the intelligent toilet is expected to go on sale in japan sometime this year, according to toto officials. Source: Kyodo News. Date: 03/24/90 *start* 15516 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 16 Apr 90 15:33:49 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 6.7 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "He who dies with the most FRIENDS wins." ---------------------------------------------------- "Women and cats do as they dammed well please. Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..." Heinlein's "Notebooks of Lazarus Long", ---------------------------------------------------- Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had become socially correct for girls. -- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities" ---------------------------------------------------- Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin' out license plates that say "Live free or Die." -- ??? ---------------------------------------------------- Sanity is overrated ---------------------------------------------------- If you don't find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue. -"Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897) ---------------------------------------------------- I once heard that Lewis's (department store) in Glasgow used to employ a "scapegoat". If a customer complained about anything, the department's manager would summon this guy and fire him on the spot. ---------------------------------------------------- Important note: The Anti-Social Committee will not be meeting this week. ---------------------------------------------------- I'm a clown. That's my sole mechanism of defense. Very few people will go out of their way to punish a clown. ---------------------------------------------------- He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. -- Old Chinese saying ---------------------------------------------------- A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. ---------------------------------------------------- Seen in a recent classifieds W A N T E D G O O D W O M A N Must be able to clean, cook, sew, dig worms and clean fish. Must have boat and motor. Please send picture of boat and motor. ---------------------------------------------------- Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 ---------------------------------------------------- A pride of lions A gaggle of geese An odd lot of programmers ---------------------------------------------------- Any given program, when running, is obsolete ---------------------------------------------------- Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember. -Oscar Levant ---------------------------------------------------- In the beginning there was nothing, then God said "Turn on the lights" and they were turned on. ---------------------------------------------------- The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and 18. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. ---------------------------------------------------- Life is like an unassembled abacus. It's what you make of it that counts. Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit. Life is like a poker game. You deal or are dealt to. It includes skill and luck. You bet, check, bluff and raise. You learn from those you play with. Sometimes you win with a pair or lose with a full house. But whatever happens, it's best to keep on shuffling along. ---------------------------------------------------- I received a job assignment in Germany on very short notice. I didn't know any German at all, but my wife is reasonably fluent, so I had her teach me a few fundamentals. The next morning, while cooking breakfast, I was practicing counting, mumbling the numbers to myself: "Ein, Zwei, Drei ..." I got stuck on nine. Right then, my wife walked into the kitchen. "Helen" I said, "what are nine and ten?" With a concerned look on her face, she said: "Nineteen. Are you OK?" ---------------------------------------------------- The NJ state gemstone is concrete ---------------------------------------------------- [Los Angeles] Daily News: Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now -- if you live in Colorado. Governor Roy Romer formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years ..." he said. ---------------------------------------------------- Some times the fine print is funny: Yesterday, I was reading an ad for Dodge trucks in Popular Mechanics, as I was reading the *fine print* it stated that "These outlandish claims are based on test results of" (technical information left out because I dont remember them) and then it finished with....... "Buckle up for safety, Nice magnifying glass." It took me by surprise so I instantly started laughing, I was in a library at the time so it was a little embarrassing, I hate when that happens! ---------------------------------------------------- Years ago my mom was driving a Plymouth Volare station wagon. The Plymouth Volare was listed as the car "Least likely to be stolen." ---------------------------------------------------- Well, there is this guy here at Carnegie Mellon who has the best anti-theft device going. It seems he had this really wild party a couple of months ago and had mistakenly left some paint out in the open(either that or someone was looking for a place to ralph and stumbled unpon it ;-)). To make a long story short, he now drives a car that is painted about ten different colors, with all kinds of nifty designs on it, and it even has something written in russian on the door. Now who would try to steal a car like that? It would be Very difficult to get away without being noticed. ---------------------------------------------------- A comedian (whose name I don`t remember), when ask to tell a political joke, said he only knew one. This is it: A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress. Inmediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling: - Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here! All the congressmen are about to go out! The man replies: -Don't worry. I have a good alarm in my car. ---------------------------------------------------- "Can I park here ?" "Nope", said the cop "Well, then how come these other cars are parked here ?" "They didn't ask me", replied the cop. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the snail that was mugged by two tortises? When he went down to report the mugging the police officer asked him if he could describe the event and the snail replied, "I don't know if I could, it happened so fast." ---------------------------------------------------- A Bleeding Heart Liberal and a Sensible Person were discussing economy: BHL: "There is a great injustice heaped on the poor. The rich, who have more money than they need, can buy credit. But the poor, who haven't two coins to knock together, have to pay cash for everything. Is that FAIR?" SP: "Of course." BHL: "But, it should be the other way around. The rich, who have money, should pay cash and the poor should be able to buy on credit." SP: "I admire your ideals, but a merchant who extends credit to the poor instead of the rich will soon become a poor man himself." BHL: "So? Then he'd be able to buy on credit, too!" ---------------------------------------------------- Two riddles, answers at the end: A man leaves to visit his grandmother on Tuesday. He is gone for seven days and returns on Sunday. How is this possible? Two men are found dead in a cabin in the middle of the woods. They have been dead for a very short time. There are no footprints leading to or from the cabin and they didn't starve to death. How did they die? ---------------------------------------------------- When my father was remarried, he planned to have his vows on a little card and read them. At that point in the ceremony he would reach into his pocket and say "Sam Jones Acme Plumbing . . . OOOPS! Wrong card." However, he didn't really do that. He had the vows memorized and all. ---------------------------------------------------- A father in Georgia called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct the cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss". ---------------------------------------------------- It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the (moron) couple stop after three children? A: Because they read that every fourth child born is Chinese. ---------------------------------------------------- Heraclitus - an ancient Greek philosopher, he lived about the fifth century B.C. Known as the "Obscure One" to his contemporaries. Keep ambiguity in mind....... - Everything flows. - It is not possible to step in the same river twice. - Sea water is the purest and most polluted: for fish it is drinkable and life-giving; for men, not drinkable and destructive. - To those who are awake, there is one ordered universe common to all, whereas in sleep each man turns away from this world to one of his own. - Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play. - A mans character is his destiny. - I searched into myself. - Lovers of wisdom must be inquirers into very many things indeed. ---------------------------------------------------- A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, "If the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?" When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer. After a moment of thought, he said, "Forty days." The teacher was naturally surprised. "Pepito," she said, "the distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didn't make the question clear. Pretend that it's all smooth and level ground. NOW how long would it take?" Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days. "But why?" asked the teacher. "Well, because you would constantly have to say, "`Excuse me,' `Pardon me please,' `Excuse me, sir,' `Pardon me Miss,' `Excuse me...'" ---------------------------------------------------- Once, the leaders of the Soviet Union hoped they could feed their people, if only they could get some help from the West. So they went to the West and arranged to buy wheat. That was not enough, since eventually, the agreement ran out. Then, the leaders of the Soviet Union hoped that if they gave their people hope for freedom, they could rebuild their economy and grow wheat themselves to feed their people. So they went to the West and announced a new policy of openness. That was not enough, since the stores remained empty. Now, the leaders of the Soviet Union are hoping that if they give their people actual freedom, they will rebuild the polity, rebuild the economy, and grow wheat for themselves. What will they ask for from the West? Political asylum. ---------------------------------------------------- An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample. ---------------------------------------------------- "How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?" We don't know yet. No aggie has even tried to attempt this complex technical feat. (by Aggie standards that is...) ---------------------------------------------------- During the construction of the Alaska Pipeline, one of Bechtel's engineers, a man named Sam, overslept one morning. The pipeline crew failed to notice that Sam was not among them (Sam being the sort that was frequently not among them) and moved north. When Sam woke up, he was all alone. There was nothing to worry about, since it was a pleasant day in late May. The -100 degree temperatures of January and February were just a memory, but the uncomfortably hot and sticky days of mid-summer just north of Fairbanks had not yet arrived. Sam set out to find his crew. As Sam walked North, he ran across a tribe of Eskimos, who were out gathering moss. Sam stopped to chat with them, and the Eskimos invited him to join the tribe. Sam considered this, and decided that being an Eskimo had much to recommend it, as he imagined that the Eskimo life was much less stressful than that of an engineer on the Pipeline. For a few days, Sam busily assisted the tribe in gathering moss. Each of the Eskimos had a personal supply of moss, and after a few days, Sam had gathered more than he could easily carry in his back pack. He asked the other Eskimos why the moss was being gathered, but was unable to understand the answer, given his limited command of Eskimese. As was characteristic, he finally decided that he had more moss than he could use, and proceeded to spend the summer sleeping. While the rest of the tribe was busy gathering moss, Sam was resting. Come the first snow, the tribe moved south to the shores of an inlet, where seals could be caught and killed for meat and oil. Sam was given a small lamp, and was shown how to make a wick out of moss. When filled with oil, the lamp would supply heat and light for the long, dark winter nights. Sam's lamp was fine for a while, but in early December, his meager supply of moss was exhausted. It was evident that without a working lamp, he would freeze to death, so it was urgent to get more moss. When he approached the Eskimo chief with the problem, and requested an additional supply of moss in order to get through the winter, he was told by the chief, "Sorry, Sam," "No wick for the rested." ---------------------------------------------------- The man has a horse named Tuesday. The cabin is the cabin from an airplane that crashed in the woods. *start* 29757 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 23 Apr 90 15:38:55 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 6.8 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Hi there. I saw decwars quite a long time ago and thought it was totaly hilarious. I also noticed it was unfinished. So, I went in and added the stuff at the end after they escaped from the Are-em Star, the gotos and the bit in the bar with Greedo. I did this a long time ago and only recently learned how to post news. So, here it is: (I hope the original author(s) don't mind me posting/modifying this file). -- Craig climber@sol.UVic.ca ---------------------------------------------------- This is what comes of so many hours deeply submerged in UNIX and VMS, thoughts moiling around while debugging system core dumps. Thoughts carefully kept in check, hidden from the light of day (for obvious reasons), until one day... Perhaps it was the Coke. Perhaps... no, let us just say that we found a fairly harmless way to vent these frustrations, these things that nobody within 50 miles could understand. The network, yes, the network. They'll understand! Special thanks to Douglas Adams, Bob and Dinsdale McKenzie and the Firesign Theatre. Alan A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax) a great Adventure (game?) took place... DEC WARS! It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... As we enter the scene, an Administrative Multiplexer is trying to kill a consulate shell. Many of their signals have gotten through, and RS232 decides it's time to fork off a new process before this old shell is destroyed. His companion, 3CPU, is following him only because he appears to know where he's going... "I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process detached itself from the burning shell of the shell. The commander of the Administrative Multiplexer was quite pleased with the attack. "Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?" asked the lieutenant. "Hold your fire. That last power failure must have caused a trap through zero. It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal on it." "We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic." "What about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel open, and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or made inaccessable. Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it -20 if you have to." Meanwhile, in our wandering process... "Are you sure you can ptrace this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232. This thing's been stripped, and I'm in no mood to try and debug it." The lone process finishes execution, only to find our friends dumped on a lonely file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232. Not knowing what else to do, they wandered around until the jawas grabbed them. Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some replacement parts for his uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke would still needed some sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to. "How about this little RS232 unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've delt with him many times before, and he does an excellent job at keeping his bits straight." Luke was pressed for time, so he took 3CPU's advice, and the three left before they could get swapped out. However, RS232 is not the type to stay put once you remove the retaining screws. He promptly scurried off into the the deserted disk space. "Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link to that file off floating in the free disk space. Well, 3CPU, we better go find him before he gets allocated by someone else." The two set off, and finaly traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobi, who was busily trying to run an icheck on the little RS unit. "Is this thing yours? His indirect addresses are all goofed up, and the size is all wrong. Leave things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with dups everywhere. However, I think I've got him fixed up." Later that evening, after futile attempts to interface RS232 to Kenobi's Asteroids cartridge, Luke accidentally crossed the small 'droid's CXR and Initiate Remote Test (must have been all that Coke he'd consumed), and the screen showed a very distressed person claiming royal lineage making a plea for help from some General OS/1 Kenobi. "Darn," mumbled Luke. "I'll never get this Asteroids game worked out." PDP-1 seemed to think there was some significance to the message and a possible threat to Luke's home directory. If the Administrative Empire was indeed tracing this 'droid, it was likely they would more than charge for cpu time... "We must get that 'droid off this file system," he said after some intervals. They sped off to warn Luke's kin (taking a `relative' path) only to find a vacant directory... After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /owen/lars, across the surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program," said PDP-1. "You will never find a more wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." As our heroes' process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a newsgroup of Administrative protection bits. "State your UID," commanded their parent process. "We're running under /usr/guest," said Luke. "This is our first time on this system." "Can I see some temporary priviledges, please?" "Uh..." "This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1, using an obscure bug to momentarily set his effective UID to root. "We can go about our business." "This isn't the process we want. You are free to go about your business. MOV along!" PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist (cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax!harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf) to a dangerous netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by Administrative Multiplexers. As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went in search of a likely file descriptor. Luke had never seen such a collection of weird and exotic device drivers. Long ones, short ones, ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct binary interfaces all were drinking data at the bus. "#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><," transmitted a particularly unstructured piece of code. "He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine. "Sorry," replied Luke, beginning to backup his partitions. "I don't like you either. I am queued for deletion on 12 systems." "I'll be careful." "You'll be reallocated!" concatenated the coroutine. "This little routine isn't worth the overhead," said PDP-1 Kenobi, overlaying into Luke's address space. "@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$gfdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first coroutine as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input overvoltage protection. With a unary stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobi unlinked the offensive code. The other process decided to goto off. "I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us." "The name's Con Solo," said the hacker next to PDP-1. "I hear you're looking for some relocation." "Yes indeed, if it's a fast channel. We must get off this device." "Fast channel? The Milliamp Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than twelve nodes! Why, I've even outrun cancelled messages. It's fast enough for you, old version." "Good." Replied PDP-1 "I assume your services will be discrete We wouldn't want any interference from the Administration." "You bet, Old version, but its going to cost you a little more. I'll meet you at the terminal. I have a few things in the background that I have to round-robin." Just after PDP-1 and Luke had left, a disgusting slimeball sat down opposite to Con. Solo was hoping he wasn't going to meet up with any of the plentiful bounty hunters out to strip Con of all his leads. "Greetings, Solo." fopen()ed the representative. "You owe IBM a lot of money. I am here to collect." "Ahhhh, Greedo, how nice to see you again. I should have known it would be you when this binary tree beside me wilted. Look, I managed to fopen() a new account and I'll have your boss's cycles soon enough." "You should have thought of that long ago when your CPU limit was exceeded. But, if you give me the cycles right now, I can forget I saw you here." Jibed the evil process. "Weelllll, actually, I don't have the money right now but it won't be long." "Too late, Solo. I have waited for this for a long time." the process said as what looked like a cruel grin crawled across all three of its lips. "Oh yeah?" reposed Solo as he unholstered his ROM blaster underneath the TBL. "Why don't you go goto yourself!" There was a bright flash as the blaster ripped out the bottom of the offending process and left a pile of dangling pointers. As Solo left, he tossed the bus keeper a cycle and apologized for the heap. Meanwhile, our heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobi made their way to the temporary file structure. When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed, "What a piece of junk! That's just a paper tape reader!" Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives spoke only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33. "It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual) trying to do several things at once. Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes as he whirled to face the parallel processor. "I've added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops around any Administrative TTY fighter. She's fast enough for you." "Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobi. "Two Bacco, here, my Bookie." "Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell silent, or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all those leaves. Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to see a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Administrative Bus Signals!" shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this pop stand! Tooie, set clock fast!" "Ok, Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us out of here!" "Shut up, kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system space! I'll try to keep their buffers full." As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!" shouted Luke. "Can't you do something?" "Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle and you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames or hit a space bar!" "Three to five we can go now," said the bookie. Bright chunks of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp Falcon jumped through the kernel page tables. As the crew breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets. "Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity." The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1 and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU have made good their escape from the Administrative Bus Signals with the aid of Con Solo and the bookie, Two Bacco. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward through system space. Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space... Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed closely by Dec Vadic. "Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have expected to find you holding Vadics lead. I recognized your unique pattern when I was first brought aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on his header coldly. "Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly. "Vadic, have you retrieved any information?" "Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped. "Perhaps we would get faster results if we increased the supply voltage..." "You've had your chance, Vadic. Now I would like the princess to witness the test that will make this star fully operational. Today we enable the -r beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME of /usr/alderaan as the primary target." "No! You can't! /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no restricted permissions. We have no backup tapes! You can't..." "Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped. A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in /usr. "1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3. Inode 1248, /mnt/dantooine." She turned away. Tarchive sighed with satisfaction. "There, you see, Lord Vadic? She can be reasonable. Proceed with the operation." It took several clock ticks for the words to penetrate. "What!" _LPA0: gasped. "/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem," Tarchive explained. "We require a more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the Are-Em Star star. We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as possible." As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a nearby terminal. There was a brief pause, there being only one processor on board, and the viewscreen showed, ".: not found." The princess suddenly double- spaced and went off-line. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space... Con Solo finished checking the various control and status registers, finally convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke. Solo wasn't concerned--the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when he was losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths. The Bookie, who had been setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards. A little strange for a chess game... Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to notice the commotion. "On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it. Remember, the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used to trim offensive lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere. Listen for the Carrier." Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air next to him. This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks perfectly. Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed. "Forget this bit-slicing stuff. Give me a good ROM blaster any day." "~~j~~hhji~~," said Kenobi, with no clear inflection. He fell silent for a few seconds, and reasserted his control. "What happened?" asked Luke. "Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier. It's equalized now." "We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they cruised safely through stack frames, the emerged in the new context only to be bombarded by freeblocks. "What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly: /usr/alderaan: not found "It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where's the nearest file?" "3 to 5 there's one..." the Bookie started to say, but was interrupted by a bright flash off to the left. "Administrative TTY fighters!" shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them! Where are they coming from?" "Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobi. "They all have direct EIA connections." As Solo began to give chase, the shell lurched suddenly. Luke noticed the link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly. "This is no regular file," murmured Kenobi. "Look at the ODS directory structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor feed." "There's no way we'll unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going in." When we last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to the open collector of the Administrative Are-Em Star star. Dec Vadic surveys the relic as Administrative Flunkies search for passengers... "LS scan shows no one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was unconvinced. "Send a fully equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said. "I want every inode checked out." He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked off. On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked in, looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?" "An old munchkin trick" .Con smiled as he explained. "See that period in front of your name?" "Where'd that come from?" .Luke asked as he spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks accross file system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself. They aren't going to be fooled for long, though. We'd better figure a way outa here." At this point (.) the dialogue tends to wedge. Being the editor and in total control of the situation, I think it would be best if we sort of gronk the next few paragraphs. For those who care, our heroes find themselves in a terminal room of the star, having thrashed several Flunkies to get there. For the rest of you, just keep banging the rocks together, guys. --Ed. "Hold on," said Con. "It says we have `new mail.' Is that an error?" "%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1. "Doesn't look like it. I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon. It's locked in kernel data space. I'll have to slip in and patch the reference count, alone." He disappeared through a nearby entry point. Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, `She's on line, she's on line'," said 3CPU. "I believe he means Princess _LPA0:. She's being held on one of the privileged levels." Once again, things get sticky, and the dialogue suffers the most damage. After much handwaving and general flaming, they agree to rescue her. They headed for the detention level, posing as Flunkies (which is hard for most hackers) claiming that they had trapped the Bookie executing an illegal racket. They reached the block where the Princess was locked up and found only two guards in the header. --Ed. "Good day, eh?" said the first guard. "How's it goin', eh?" said the other. "Like, what's that, eh?" "Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con. "Take off, it is not," said the first guard. "Nobody told US about it, and we're not morons, eh?" At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look out, he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right. The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when the ROM blasters were turned on them. "Quickly, now," said Con. "What buffer is she in? It's not going to take long for these..." The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware with a short blast. "guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued. Luke quickly located the interface card and followed the cables to a sound- proof enclosure. He lifted the lid and peered at the mechanism inside. "Aren't you a little slow for ECL?" printed princess _LPA0:. "Wha? Oh, the Docksiders," stammered Luke. He took off his shoes (for industry) and explained, "I've come relocate you. I'm Luke Vaxhacker." Suddenly, forms started bursting around them. "They've blocked the queue!" shouted Solo. "There's only one return from this stack!" "OVER HERE!" printed _LPA0: with overstrikes. "THROUGH THIS LOOPHOLE!" Luke and the princess disappeared into a nearby feature. "Gritch, gritch," mumbled Two Bacco, obviously reluctant to trust an Administrative oversight. "I don't care how crufty it is!" shouted Con, pushing the Bookie toward the crock. "DPB yourself in there now!" With one last blast that reprogrammed two flunkies, Con joined them. The "feature" landed them right in the middle of the garbage collection data. Pieces of data that hadn't been used in weeks floated past in a pool of decaying bits. "Bletch!" was Con's first comment. "Bletch, bletch," was his second. The Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in this situation weren't much better. Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the words "Don't Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. "This can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away. The Bookie was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly disappeared. He popped up accross the pool, shouting, "This is no feature! It's a bug!" and promptly vanished again. Con and the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared. "What happened?" they asked in parallel. "I don't know," gasped Luke. "The bug just dissolved automagically. Maybe it hit a breakpoint..." "I don't think so," said Con. "Look how the pool is shrinking. I've got a bad feeling about this..." The princess was the first to realize what was going on. "They've implemented a new compaction algorithm!" she exclaimed. Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU. "Shut down garbage collection on recursion level 5!" he shouted. Back in the control room, RS232 searched the process table for the lisp interpreter. "Hurry," sent 3CPU. "Hurry, hurry," added his other two processors. RS232 found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered the stack frame they'd fallen into to allow a normal return. Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the star, slipping from context to context, undetected through his manipulation of label_t. Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his own) he arrived at the inode table. Activity there was always high, but the Spl6 sentries were too secure in their knowledge that no user could interrupt them to notice the bug that PDP-1 carefully introduced. On a passing iput, he adjusted the device and inode numbers, maintaining parity, to free the Milliamp Falcon. They would be long gone before the locked inode was diagnosed... Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to find the process where the Milliamp Falcon was grounded. Finding it and switching context, he discovered his priority weakened suddenly. "That's not very nice," was all he could say before the cause of the obstruction became clear. "I have been pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic. "We meet again at last. The circuit has been completed." They looped several times, locking byte sabers. Bit by bit, PDP-1 appeared to weaken. The fight had come into the address space of the Milliamp Falcon, and provided the .di (diversion?) that allowed Luke and the others to reassert control. Luke paused to watch the conflict. "If my blade finds its mark," warned Kenobi, "you will be reduced to so many bits. But if you slice me down, I will only gain computing power." "Your documentation no longer confuses me, old version," growled Vadic. "my Role MASTER now." With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word. Unfortunately, the word was still in Kenobi's throat. The word fell clean in two, but Kenobi was nowhere to be found. Vadic noticed his victim's uid go negative, just before he disappeared. Odd, he thought, since uids were unsigned... Luke freaks out. "You gotoers!!" he cried as he pulled his ROM blaster and started nuking processes left and right. Fortunately for our heroes, Luke had removed the -i option on his blaster and accidently struck the chmod go-rwx device beside the access path. Even with the enemy temporarily cut off he had to be dragged into the Milliamp Falcon. Con Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Milliamp Falcon out of the process, onto the bus and made straight for system space. 3CPU and RS232 were idle, for once. Princess _LPA0: tried to print comforting things for him, but Luke was still hung from the loss of his friend. Then, seemingly from nowhere, he thought he heard PDP-1's voice say, "May the carrier be with you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The danger, however, was far from over. "I hope you can use a powered keyboard, kid. We are going to have to deal with the pursuing TTY fighters before we can make the jump." Luke leaped atop the controls for the powered keyboard. "Wow", he thought to himself, "this shell may be a hunk of FORTRAN but it sure is ready for number crunching." The TTY fighters approached and soon their cursors tore into the Falcon's protective shielding. After a few moments fighting, all 2^2 of the marauders had been erased but Solo knew there were plenty more backups. The Falcon changed parity. --------------------------------------------------------- "Is the trojan horse program hidden in the Milliamp Falcon, Vadic?" asked Tarchive with an evil cd. "Yes. Soon they will land at the hidden base and the Are-em star will live up to its name." Gloated Vadic. "Good," replied Tarchive "Prepare the station for pursuit." --------------------------------------------------------- After a several cd's and multiple clock pulses, the Milliamp Falcon arrived at the rebel base. After the initial .logins and msgs, the rebels assembled and compiled the contraband information. "Here is where we're going to get them." said the rebel commander. "They foolishly left a path from the /pub up through the root to /usr/local/bin. We feel a well placed cursor will traverse the path and slice the bad data once and forever, even on this operating system. However, the target is only three bytes wide." There was a groan from the programmers who were queued to attack the approaching base. "We used to bullseye system bugs back home on the farm. They weren't much wider than the path." Luke cut in trying to sound important. "That was when you had no TTY fighters on your tail, youngster." responded the commander. He turned from Luke and addressed the rest of the partition. "Remember, set your caches prior to your runs and may the carrier be with you." Just before Luke jumped into his /-wing fighter, Luke pleaded with Con to stay and help in the battle. "Sorry, kid. I have a dept to pay. You people don't have a SNOBOL's chance in HAL of succeding. I have better plans than getting erased." "Your full of APL, Solo, but good luck to you anyways" Luke appended himself into his fighter. With a roar, the rebel forces launched into /usr/space and prepared for combat with the massive Are-em station. "Lock wings into go-x" ordered the flight leader. "This is going to be tense!" The powerful shells spun into the nodes of the Are-em station. Luke started to blast defending bytes to support the other members of the team. "Red four, beware the TTY's to the right. The path is just to your left sibling. Can you C it? Red four, Red four, watch behind you. Hit return, red four, HIT RETURN!" One of the rebel fighters fell victim to an rm beam and went off-line permanently. Luke now realized it was up to him to place the cursor within the path. Setting his node to write protect, Luke spun through some nroff blasts, inverted his uid and entered the pipe towards the target. "Wedge!" Shouted Luke "Follow me and provide cover." It'll be tight but Luke hoped Wedge would live up to his name. "I guess it's up to me to save the file structure", he thought to himself. Sliding his shell through the pipe, Luke locked on his targeting processor. He knew, however, he had little chance when the enemy signals homed in on him through the pipe. Dec Vadic felt the modulation in the carrier and dropped into pursuit of the rebel shells. "Cover me while I go after the leader!" he told his associated processes flying in parallel. As Vadic entered the pipe, the defensive debuggers ceased firing. "I don't like this, Luke" Wedge said "Why have they stopped firing?" In answer to his question, the other rebel support shell blew itself into maxint pieces. "I can't hold my semaphores any longer, you're on your own, Luke!" Wedge spun his shell out of the pipe and into /usr/space. Luke was alone. Behind him, Vadic prepared to fire. "The carrier is strong with this one." he said as several cursors missed their target. "I have you now!" Vadic fingered the fire control. Suddenly, cursors blasted into Vadic's support shells and he himself spun into /usr/space, out of control. Luke looked up to see the Milliamp Falcon moving away and realized the rebels now had a chance. As he approached the target, Luke felt a modulation from outside the system. "Use the carrier, Luke. The carrieeeerrrrr......" Luke suddenly switched off the targeting process and at the right moment, the cursors blasted into the proper path without Luke even realizing what had happened. Sensing imminent disaster, Luke spun away from the striken Are-em star. Just after Luke was outside the danger zone, the Are-em star suffered a massive rmdir and was blown to bits. The rebels had won and Luke became a mega-hero. --------------------------------------------------------------- Far from the free-blocks created by the destruction of the Are-em star, Dec Vadic regained control of his shell and vengeance hung heavily on his mind. "Beware, rebel nodes. Enjoy your little victory. Soon, very soon, the Administration will strike back." *start* 16678 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 1 May 90 10:00:34 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 6.9 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings." - /Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball/ by George F. Will, quoted in the April 1 /New York Times Book Review/ ---------------------------------------------------- Use your Turn Signals: if I were psychic, I'd have known not to be on the road with you in the first place. ---------------------------------------------------- >"Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two >first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first >a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman. ...and the first 6 letters of it are the downfall of all of the others =8^) ---------------------------------------------------- The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out on the horizon the USS New Jersey was conducting a night gunnery exercise. The ensign, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the "Morse code" coming from the other ship. Ensign: "What are they saying? What are they saying?" Signalman: "Boom. Boom." ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright on Brothers and Sisters: "I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. My sister has 3 brothers and NO sisters." ---------------------------------------------------- Q. How do lawyers practice birth control ? A. Their personalties ! ---------------------------------------------------- Remember the original ST episode where Kirk finds his brother Sam dead, just killed by these alien blobs, and is consoling his sister-in-law? Well, just before that discovery, Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the landing party are running around a modern-looking complex of buildings, with several scenes filmed among those buildings, their steps, the courtyard, etc. Well, the question is this: Those scenes were filmed a quarter mile down the street from [what?] ANSWER: Xerox El Segundo ! Namely, the original cluster of Xerox buildings, fronted on Aviation Blvd. by A&E and M1. ---------------------------------------------------- And famous last words: There's one from a Union general in the civil war that may be appropriate for the #1 or #2 slot: "Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." ---------------------------------------------------- Tim O'Cartny took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler. Tim went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one. ---------------------------------------------------- "Ahhhh, Sean," said Micheal McStain, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?" Sean O'Malley shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in." "An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?" "Na, na, Micheal. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music." ---------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine just recently pulled this trick on his 15 year old: 1) Son went to bed (Sun Apr 1st) at 9:30 (school night and all ...) 2) At 11:00pm Father resets clocks to 6:00am, 2a) Father wakes Son as usual, tells him it's time to get up. 3) Son says that it's still dark... 4) Father says that Son helped reset all the clocks for Daylight-savings time. 5) Son grumbles, then proceeds to shower. 6) Durring Son's shower, Father resets clocks to correct time and turns out all the lights and retires to bed. 7) Yup, you guessed it ... Son finally figures out he's been had. ---------------------------------------------------- An old man and his wife were driving down the road. The man was sitting on the left, where the driver usually sits, and his wife was sitting on the right, where the passenger customarily sits. As they drove along, the wife started reminiscing, saying, "You know, we don't sit close together any more, the way we did when we were young. We never cuddle up these days." The man turns to her, sniffs, and says, "I ain't moved." ---------------------------------------------------- >From the April 9, 1990, London (Ontario, Canada) Free Press: A suspect in Friday's armed robbery of a CIBC bank branch in London was still free late Sunday after bluffing his way out of the city police holding cells, posing as someone being held on a drunk charge. Meanwhile, a man who was held hostage and whose car was used as a getaway vehicle [for the robbery] was stuck with a $50 towing charge after police hauled it away to check for evidence. ---------------------------------------------------- Attendants at a service station in Eunice, Louisiana, handed more than $100 to a naked man who claimed to have a gun in his pocket. ---------------------------------------------------- Thought this would appeal to the Canadians out there A survey was just done regarding the Meech Lake Accord 50% of the people asked said they were opposed to it 30% of the people asked said they were for it and the rest said they prefered the Toyota Tercel ---------------------------------------------------- I once had a stupidvisor (he was *really* a jerk) that actually got ticked whenever I got a permission on the IBM mainframe that he didn't already have (sounds childish, doesn't it). Anyway, I decided that I was going to really give it to him so I spent about three weeks (of my own time) and wrote a few "simulations". I used the screen formats of the real s/w used to switch from system to system, and added several of my own. I think I added outside links to UCSD's systems, and so on. When I 'logged' onto these systems, I could send messages to other systems, get directory listings and all the usual stuff. When everything was ready, I brought up my selection screen and once he finally saw it and asked me about it, I gave him a tour of all the systems I got access to. This guy got sooo mad he turned red!! After he stomped out of the room and was about to go up to the computer security department, I couldn't hold it any longer and started busting up. Once he finally realized that he'd been had, he settled down but I don't think he was ever the same! ---------------------------------------------------- >From: cramer@optilink.UUCP (Clayton Cramer) The current issue of Newsweek has a cover story about Prozac, a new antidepressant. The article itself is nearly a puff piece for the drug. It does mention that a small percentage of those taking it can become aggressive or suicidal. It doesn't mention that Wesbecher, the man who killed several people in Kentucky last year, was taking Prozac, and the coroner's inquest decided that Prozac was a significant factor in Wesbecher's actions. Do you suppose that Newsweek is that anxious for more "if it bleeds, it leads" stories? Yellow journalism is alive and well at Newsweek and Time. ---------------------------------------------------- "Kitty Video" idea landed on its feet ("There are 56 million cats in America and no videos for them.") (Author: Diana White, a Boston Globe columnist, appearing in the San Jose News) I had doubts about "Kitty Video," the first entertainment video strictly for cats. It had to be a joke. And if it wasn't a joke, did Killer really need a high-tech cat toy? The tape was on sale at Killer's veterinarian's, whose staff could have taught the ancient Egyptians a thing or two about cat worship. The receptionist was enthusiastic about "Kitty Video." Cats love it, she said. Video catnip, she said. I handed over $20 and brought it home. The tape came with instructions: "How to Teach Your Cat to Watch TV." Is this necessary, I wondered? Killer watches TV all the time. "Most cats are not accustomed to watching television and will need some assistance to learn this human skill," the instructions began. "First, make sure your cat will not be distracted when watching the video. Loud music, too many people in the room, and other animals can be disrupting and can cause a lack of concentration on the cat's part." I ordered my husband out of the room. There was a warning among the instructions. "Caution: Do not leave your cat alone while the video is playing. If the cat should leap at the screen it could cause damage both to furnishings and to the cat." Following the instructions, I placed Killer on my lap and started the tape. Birds appeared, cheeping, twittering, fluttering, eating worms. They were small birds - sparrows, larks - but they looked huge on the TV screen, the size of 12-pound turkeys. That didn't faze Killer at all. He was fascinated. He jumped out of my lap and sat transfixed in front of the television for a full 20 minutes until, ignoring instructions, I left him alone and went into the kitchen. Killer followed. He has his priorities. So, while "Kitty Video" may be a joke in one sense, it's a joke that works. It amuses cats. Whose idea was it? Who would think of such a thing? I called Lazy Cat Productions, in Stillwater, Okla., and spoke with the producer, Jane Talkington. She said, modestly, that she couldn't take credit for "Kitty Video" concept. It was her cat's idea. Of course. Kitty, her cat, loves to watch wildlife specials, but loses interest when the background music and voice-overs are intrusive. Talkington made the rounds of local video stores asking if they had any wildlife tapes aimed at cats. "They looked at me like I was crazy," she said. So she decided to produce one. "I thought: There are 56 million cats in America and no videos for them," said Talkington, who was a marketing major at Oklahoma State when "Kitty Video" began to take shape. "Here was a market waiting to be tapped." She hired a wildlife photographer who videotaped hours of bird action in a local sanctuary. Then they tested the tapes on cates. "They responded best to small, quick birds, a lot of movement," Talkington said. "And they seemed to like it best when the birds' backs were turned." Talkington marketed the tape through cat magazines, veterinarians' offices, pet stores and catalogs. Last Christmas it was one of the hottest selling items in the Nieman-Marcus catalog, she said. The financial return on "Kitty Video" has been "fabulous," Talkington said, although she wouldn't say how fabulous. It hasn't been fabulous enough to enable her to quit her job demonstrating computers. But she's made enough to invest in a sequel, "Kitty Video II," a bird, mouse and maybe even fish-filled extravaganza coming soon to a pet store or veterinarian's office near you. ---------------------------------------------------- Jerry298@austin.relay.ucm.org swears this really happened to him... OK. Here goes. I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A where he worked. (Dont ask, I never did). What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I could'nt wait to test it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down. This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed up. They had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off. I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot August wind was roaring through the car like a minor hurricane. My girlfrind started complaing about the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave it a good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window. Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yep, that damned raft started to inflate right there in the VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear, amazement, and a sense of this really cant be happening! In the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering wheel hard enough that I couldnt really see where I was going, and started pushing the windows that were'nt down out of their frames, and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road. By this time the real chaos had started. The girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason was laughing like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been follwing me when all this started had turned on his siren. I finally got the car to the center median, and stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the door and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time breathing. I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated, and the raft started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again, and somewhat coherant. He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said no, he just wanted to make sure no'one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we could, and went back to my place. The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that all that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside the car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had talked to the OHP cop. I can look back on this now and laugh. But for about 5 years after that happened, anytime someone (Jason usually) mentioned it, all I could do was turn red in the face. ---------------------------------------------------- IMMODEST PROPOSAL #1: DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME REFORM Richard S. Holmes RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to Daylight Savings Time (DST). Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. We all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church, or the airport, or wherever an hour early. Embarassing, but not catastrophic. But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins. We lose an hour of sleep. Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big game on TV. Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week. Annual losses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a million dollars. I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The Seven Samurai because of DST. There is no need for such tragic waste. We can -- we should and must -- urge our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows: Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult. Therefore, let us keep the fall ritual as it is. However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD. Think of all the advantages. We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain (almost) a day of rest. It will be Saturday all over again. You will never again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game. Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day in each year. However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with this. Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS. Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to recent polls are the least popular days. If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days. The advantages of this plan are clear. Let us waste no time. With a determined effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year. Write your congressperson today! *start* 15539 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 7 May 90 12:08:30 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 6.A From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- I drove by a movie theatre a year and some ago. They were having a double feature: Care Bears III and RoboCop ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards! ---------------------------------------------------- This morning, we in the San Francisco Bay area were treated to about eight earthquakes. The first was at about 6:30, the next at about 6:45 and the third at about 6:55. A caller to a local radio station said "Hey, how about that! An earthquake with a snooze alarm!" ---------------------------------------------------- Here's another for your IRS collection. This appeared in the Boston Globe on April 13, 1990: --------------------------------- IRS gets the boot Is there justice in this world? Well, in Jacksonville, Fla., an Internal Revenue Service car parked outside the federal courthouse was "booted" for unpaid parking tickets, forcing tax collectors to fork over $122.50 to set it free. The IRS had to pay $95 for five tickets, a $25 removal fee plus $2.50 for processing to get the boot taken off, said Gertrude Bradley, clerical supervisor for the city parking division. With the tax-filing deadline closing in, courthouse employees were chuckling about the IRS' misfortune. But the agency was not amused. "We're not pleased with it," said spokesman Holger Euringer. Yeah, we're all really upset. ---------------------------------------------------- The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. ---------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine worked as a computer operator in a company with a large IBM computer. One day, they called in the repairman for a faulty console. When the repairman arrived to check out the problem, he noticed that some of the keys of the console keyboard were stuck down, in the shape of a closed fist. His comment: "We can fix this, but it will not be under warranty." Richard Thomsen RISKS Digest ---------------------------------------------------- I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them: Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this. Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table. You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like. C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top. Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today. C: OK, how can I get it back to my house? Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one. C: But how do get there? Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from? C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota Celica in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next? - And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same: C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*! ---------------------------------------------------- This comes from Byte magazine. It was an April Fools joke some years ago: ---------------------------- DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ---------------------------- Do you want the instant respect which comes from being able to use technical terms THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts and minds (if available) of DP managers EVERYWHERE? If this is so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you into the world of PROFESSIONAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMING! ---------------------------- Q: What do top programmers earn? A: Despite popular myths, some programmers actually DO earn a living they love. Other, less fortunate programmers work in their spare time at home while watching television. Either way, your potential earnings as a computer programmer could reach into the millions (possibly even into the BILLIONS!) of dollars. Of course, your success depends a lot upon your abilities, luck, shoe size, the phase of the moon, etc. Q: Is programming for YOU? A: Programming is NOT for everyone. However, if you have a desire to learn, we can help you get started. ALl you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. ---------------------------- ******* Take Our FREE Aptitude Test! ******* To help you determine if YOU are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to try this simple test: 1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine, and the first six letters of the alphabet. (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF) 2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 3) What is the state capital of Idaho? If you read ALL three of the above questions without wondering why we asked them, then you are imminently qualified for a future as a computer programmer. ---------------------------- ******* A New Kind Of Programming! ******* They say that a GOOD programmer can write TWENTY LINES of effective program code a day! With our unique training system, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code, and LOTS more! Our course covers EVERY PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE IN EXISTENCE, and even some that aren't! You'll learn why the ON/OFF switch for the computer is so important, what the words 'FATAL ERROR' mean, and even who should be blamed when YOU cause it! ---------------------------- ******* Student Successes ******* Many of our students have gone on to achieve great successes in ALL FIELDS of computer programming! One of our former students was the one who developed the concept of the personalized form letter.... Does the phrase, "Dear Mr. , YOU may already be a winner!" sound familiar? It should! It has already become a standard in the computing industry! Another student writes, "After only FIVE lessons, I sold an article I wrote, titled 'My Most Unforgettable Program' to Corrosive Computing Magazine!" Another Graduate Student writes, "I recently completed a database-management program for my department manager, who was touched so deeply that he was SPEECHLESS! He told me later that he had never seen such a program in his entire career, and gave me a vacation! Thank you, Famous Programmers' School! Only YOU could've made all this possible!" ---------------------------- *******DON'T DELAY!******* Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set of free steak knives! If you don't do it now, what will you say when your friend comes around and says "Gee, I just joined the Famous Programmer' School, and its just GREAT!" ? Simply Fill out the form below and mail it to: FAMOUS PROGRAMMERS' SCHOOL Dept. APRFOL P.O. Box 4634 Paulsborough, NH 03458-0463 ----------------------------------------------------------------- | YES, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer! I | | enclose $1000 in small, unmarked bills to cover the cost of | | postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) | | | | Please send it to: | | Name: _____________________________________________________ | | Address: __________________________________________________ | | City: _____________________________ State:_________________ | | Zip: __________________ Phone: (_____)_____-_______ | ----------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- (Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.) Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement. In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY A COMPAQ. This will save you the price of a stamp. HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds, name one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in the 3.30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30% faster than IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided, but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office. PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms or legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators who lose all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a built-in tape back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some other make, only COMPAQ computers have them. SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD. Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to disappoint those of you who were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in fact the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of softwear, please read software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers. So sorry. WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787. BYTES OF RAM. The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away Portable does 2.6 megabytes. THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen. IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics. More details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860. SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information. COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little blighters, (30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza. FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW. ______________________________________________________________________ | | | TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. | | I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are | | more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual| | mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, | | otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it | | COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny | | bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got | | absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always | | knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger | | so rush me more details of your marvelous computers. | | | | Name _______________________________________________________________ | | Company_____________________________________________________________ | | Inside Leg_________________ Favourite Singer_______________________ | | Address_____________________________________________________________ | | | | AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY | | FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds. | | | | ( ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle. | |______________________________________________________________________| ---------------------------------------------------- For Immediate Release Photo/Audio April 9, 1990 Opportunity GODZILLA INVADES SAN FRANCISCO --------------------------------------- MITSUBISHI HEADQUARTERS TARGETED FOR ATTACK BY JAPANESE MONSTER ENVIRONMENTALIST SAN FRANCISCO (April 18, 1990) Godzilla, Japan's leading environmentalist, has agreed to lead a demonstration against Japanese environmental practices. At 10:00 am, at 50 California St., San Francisco, at the office of Mitsubishi Corporation, Godzilla will join the Rainforest Action Network and the International Rivers Network to protest Mitsubishi's logging in the tropical rainforest of Sarawak, Borneo, as well as Japan's foreign lending for destructive dam projects in developing countries. "Since my victorious battle with the Smog Monster, I have dedicated my life to fighting the destroyers of the Earth", roared the giant reptile. Japan is the leading importer of tropical rainforest timbers, and the leading funder of disastrous water development projects in the Third World. TROPICAL TIMBER Mitsubishi Corp. and other Japanese corporations are involved in 24 hour logging operations with the use of flood lights. Despite worldwide protest, the rapid logging of Borneo's tropical rainforest is accelerating. Japan is the leading importer of tropical timber from Southeast Asia. "People all over the world are denouncing the environmental atrocities committed by the Japanese logging corporations such as Mitsubishi and Sumitomo. The logging in Borneo must stop if the indigenous people are to survive, says Randy Hayes, Director of the Rainforest Action Network." OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT In the last two years, Japanese overseas development aid has doubled, bringing its total aid and loan financing package to nearly $22 billion per year. Though the single largest development financier in the world, Japan has no established environmental assessment policies, either domestically, or internationally. A huge amount of those overseas funds are paying for destructive water development projects. "Japan's monstrous destructive capacity requires monstrous solutions", said Juliette Majot of the International Rivers Network. Godzilla, the Rainforest Action Network and the International Rivers Network actively support the work of Japanese environmentalists. Today they are joining thousands of other protestors in the US and worldwide, to demand that both Japanese corporations and Japanese development aid stop destructive environmental practices. *start* 15423 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 17 May 90 09:41:31 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 6.B From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire. Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire. Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the metre, not the yard. Farmer: (Thinks about it a moment) OK, I'd like 10 metres of chicken wire. Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes? ---------------------------------------------------- Wasn't it Steven Wright who joked about people who name their kids with verb names, like Niel, or Bob, Mark, Eileen, etc. How can you tell a guy named Neil to stand... "Stand , Niel.... ...I said stand Niel!" ---------------------------------------------------- for best results machine wash cold, tumble dry low. do not bleach, etc, etc. for not-so-best results drag behind car through puddles and dry on roof rack. ---------------------------------------------------- "Scotty, we need that .sig in thirty seconds or we're all dead!" "Och, Captain! We canna do anathin'! It's still on yir other account!" ---------------------------------------------------- If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? ---------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between unlawfull and illegal? A. Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird! ---------------------------------------------------- Some favorite buttons: "The face is familiar, but I am having trouble remembering my name." "I'm not so think as you stoned I am." ---------------------------------------------------- Jack: Do you believe in Buddha? Mack: Yes, I do, but, on the other hand, there is a lot to be said for margarine. Jack: Are you Catholic? Mack: No, I'm a pedestrian. ---------------------------------------------------- Fidel Castro was addressing a huge crowd in Havana: "They accuse me of intervening in Angola . . ." and a voice in the crowd cried loudly, "Peanuts, Popcorn!" Castro resumed: "They say I've intervened in Mozambique . . ." and was again interrupted by the cry of "Peanuts, Popcorn!" Picking up a third time, Castro went on: "They tell me I'm intervening in Nicaragua . . ." and once more the vendor yelled, "Peanuts, Popcorn!" Losing his temper, Castro snapped, "If that capitalist bastard yells 'Peanuts, Popcorn!' once more, I'll kick him all the way to Miami!" Whereupon the entire audience yelled "PEANUTS, POPCORN!" ---------------------------------------------------- The Trabant is the world's quietest car. When you drive it, your knees are over your ears. Why does the Trabant have a heated rear window? To warm your hands while you're pushing it. It only takes three workers to build a Trabant. One to cut, one to fold, one to paste. (Make hand motions) ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a IYFEBCH with a sun-roof? A: A trash can. Q: What do you call a IYFEBCH with twin exhausts? A: A wheelbarrow. ---------------------------------------------------- Recently the Estonian goverment said that Estonian draftees should desert from the Russian army. I can imagine what the Estonian solders must have said: "I'm unimpressed." ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Where is Karl Marx buried? A: In a communist plot. Q: What do you call a Soviet garbage dump? A: A dirty communist plot. ---------------------------------------------------- S&L Bailout? The newest trend in Socialism for Banks. Its motto: "From each according to his stupidity, To each according to his greed." ---------------------------------------------------- Stalin cannot find his golden watch. He is very angry and phones the chief of the GRU (secret police) and orders him to at all costs found the villain who stole it. Two days later, what do you know, Stalin finds his watch in a not often used drawer. Again he phones the chief of the GRU and tells him to stop the search for the thief. "I am sorry, Comrade Stalin, but it is too late now. We already found five suspects and all of them confessed." ---------------------------------------------------- [Overheard in a restaurant] It seems that all of those secret police guys in East Germany won't be jobless for long. Most of the field agents have been snapped up by cab companies, since they know their areas so well, and the desk workers have been hired as dispatchers. The neat thing about the new dispatchers is that all they need is the name of the customer and they can give the cabbies the address. ---------------------------------------------------- What Congress means by ethics is best explained by the tailor's story: "Suppose I sell a suit to a young man for $200. He tells me that his family is footing the bill and that if I give him a receipt for $400 to give to his parents, he will pay me $100 on the side. The question of ethics is: Do I keep the extra $100 myself, or do I tell my partner and split it with him?" ---------------------------------------------------- A bank robber in Buffalo entered and placed a bag over his head. He forgot to poke eyeholes and was blinded, and promptly tackled by security guards and customers. ---------------------------------------------------- A D.C. radio station, WAVA with Don Geronimo and Mike O'Mera (105.1 on your F.M. dial) used to run a bit called "Crooks are Stupid!". They read a few questionable stories that were very funny such as... ...A man goes to rob a bank. He brings two things: a hand grenade and his dog. He pulls the pin, lobs the grenade at the doors of the bank and ducks behind cover. Rover retrieves the grenade, drops it at his master's feet, and bolts away for the next toss. BOOM! End of robbery. I think the dog got a citation from the city. ...A couple of men go to rob a bank. They back their car up to the doors of the bank, tie a chain around the door handles, then around their fender, then hit the gas. The fender rips off the car and they panic and speed away. The police recovered the fender AND THE LICENSE PLATE and tracked down the puzzled crooks. ---------------------------------------------------- Last week's episode of Rescue 911 has a pretty good "Stupid crook story" on it. Some guy broke into a glass store (the cops wondered why after they got him - more on how they got him later - What of value could be taken from a glass shop?) using a large shovel to break in a window (the window was the type of glass that does not shatter, but breaks open in a hole, and holds together besides that - much like auto saftey glass). He couldn't find anything, and when he tried to escape out the back, he was run back into the stop by two guard dogs there. He couldn't get out the front door because of all the glass broken and facing inward, and he had dropped the shovel outside. He would up calling 911 to have them come get him out. He told the operator the whole story, and she radioed a squad car to go get the man and arrest him after his "rescue". The cops, figuring the man must be deranged to be calling in his own crime, radioed for backup. A total of 6 cops, a police dog, and a helicopter were in on the arrest. A policeman later said - "It dosen't take much brains to be a criminal, but this guy had NONE!". ---------------------------------------------------- Reminds me of one I heard several years ago. An older lady is mugged and having no cash on hand she asks her attacker if he will take a check. The mugger agrees, so she calmly asks who she should make the check out to. Not thinking clearly, the mugger gives the old lady his real name. The man is arrested in his home several hours later with the check still in his wallet. ---------------------------------------------------- I have a newspaper clipping at home where a guy breaks into the home of a bedridden, invalid old lady. She powerless to resist him, but when he comes into her bedroom he becomes intrigued by the cluster of medicine bottles on her bedside table. He then starts sampling at random, eventually becomes sleepy, lays down on the floor at the foot of the woman's bed and still asleep when the cops show up. ---------------------------------------------------- This talk of stupid criminals reminds me of one I heard when I was in the Air Force. It seems these two Airmen decided to rob the local 7-11, a stupid move in and of itself. But wait, its stupid to rob a store when you're in the military 'cause the haircut will give you away every time. But wait again, its even stupider to do it in UNIFORM with you NAME emblazoned in 1 inch letters on the front. But wait yet again, its even stupider to tie up the clerk and try and ring up customers purchases from behind the register while in uniform outside an Air Force base. Especially when your first customer is a Chief Master Sgt. ---------------------------------------------------- In my old neighborhood, two classmates of mine decided to rob the local convenience store. Rather than putting on masks, they waited until this girl they knew was working behind the counter, and then robbed the store. When arrested, they said: "But we were sure that she wouldn't tell on us!" ---------------------------------------------------- I once read a magazine bio of a down-and-out basketball star who was so desperately addicted that he took to crime. Let's call him "Joe" for dramatic effect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighborhood. The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball-star neighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said, "Joe, don't do this, okay?" To which the player/robber replied, "Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me." ---------------------------------------------------- My favorite is about a man who tried to hijack a plane. It was a charter filght, sitting on the ground. The guy runs across the tarmac, forces his way into the plane, pulls a gun on the stewardess, who starts to laugh. Turns out this is a flight of FBI agents going to a convention, and there are now a plane full of guns aimed at him. ---------------------------------------------------- The April 13 issue of Science mentions a number of new books. Some of the titles are rather unusual: How to Build a Conscious Machine, by Leonard Angel. [Sometimes my own workstation seems not only conscious but malevolent] Reconstruction of Life from the Skeleton, by Mehmet Yasar Iscan and Kenneth A. R. Kennedy, eds. [Where is Victor Frankenstein now that we need him?] Time Reversal: An Autobiography, by Anatole Abragam. [Narrated from death to birth?] ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: whorehouses/discount stores in New York city I am interested in buying a Sony CCD-F70 Camcorder, from New York city whorehouse. The reason I want to do it this way is the low prices they advertise which is few hundreds lower than any I found in LA. Now my question is what are the negatives/draw backs/things to be aware off when you buy something through calling an 800 number from one of those whorehouses/discount stores in New York city. Any advice will be appreciated. ---------------------------------------------------- The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?" "I'd throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "I'd throw out another anchor, sir." "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?" "I'd throw out another anchor, captain." "Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir." (Now, that's a BRAVE sailor....) ---------------------------------------------------- Quotes about men: A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can. Luigi Banzini Men become old, but they never become good. Oscar Wilde The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him. Immanuel Kant When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young. Now I have successes with women because I am old. Middle age was the hardest part. Artur Rubinstein A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror. Sigmund Freud Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want. William Binger ---------------------------------------------------- On Sept. 28, a production B-1 Bomber crashed. The cause: a flock of birds. The obvious question is, why not devote some of the billions of dollars being spent on national defense to build bird farms? The Army could fence up thousands of birds in selected locations, and release them if enemy planes were detected. This would be called the "Strategic Fence Initiative". ------------ Now, the rest of the story: In a recent book on Britain's WW11 scientific counter-espionage effort, Jones relates that Lord Cherwell came up with a plan to more easily identify German subs, which at that time were taking a terrible toll on American and Allied shipping in the Atlantic. It was tough to locate subs by their Snorkels, needed for diesel cruise power. British sub crews were instructed to lay out fish on sub hulls, to attract sea-birds, which they did, with great success. British radar then would spot U-boats by the greatly enhanced radar and visual target. Only problem was: the birds would only perch on British subs; they had learned too well the food source... ---------------------------------------------------- I don't remember the name of the comedian who did this routine, but I the version I heard was a little longer: Instead of "Luke, you must join the dark side," it went "Luke, *WHEEZE* you got a light? "Sure." BRZZAPP WHRRRRRRR WHRRRRR (waving imaginary light saber wildly.) And there's this little green midget over in the corner, saying "Stunt your growth it will, yes." ---------------------------------------------------- Myamoto Musashi and another young noble went to a feudal warlord to ask for employment in the lord's services. The lord or Daimyo, was a very busy man and also did not have any need for another warrior yet. So he made the expert cut into the Peony and sent it back to the inn where the noble was staying. When the youth saw the peony, he interpreted as a sign of rejection and left. But just as the peony was being handed back to the messenger, Musashi took a look at the cut end. He noticed the beauty of the cut and made a cut of his own on the other end of the peony stem. When the stem was brought back to the lord, he admired the fine cut that Musashi had made and sent the messenger back to offer Musashi employment. *start* 15394 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 24 May 90 12:43:39 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 6.C From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright: Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! I walked up to a Tourist Information Booth and said: "So, tell me about some people who were here LAST year!" My friend's in jail for counterfeiting pennies. Idiot! It's minimum-security ... he's on a whiffle-ball and chain. You know how they caught him? He had the head and the tail on the wrong side! ---------------------------------------------------- "Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}" ---------------------------------------------------- Dave Barry on New York Mean-Spiritedness: There's a new outfit in New York City called New York Pride, which is attempting to get New Yorkers to at least pretend that they don't hate everybody. This program resulted from a survey in which researchers asked tourists how come they didn't want to come back to New York, and the tourists said it was because there was so much mean-spiritedness. So the researchers spat on them. ---------------------------------------------------- Life is like a bagel. It's delicious when it's fresh and warm, but often it's just hard. The hole in the middle is its great mystery, and yet it wouldn't be a bagel without it. Life is like eating grapefruit. First, you have to break through the skin; then it takes a couple of bites to get used to the taste, and just as you begin to enjoy it, it squirts you in the eye. (From Roger von Oech's book: "A Whack On The Side Of The Head") ---------------------------------------------------- A colleague was invited to held a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation of a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said. Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat, and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech. However, he was interrupted by the chairman of the conference: "No no, sir. You must not applaud!" Dumbfounded he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker." "No sir, you must not applaud, he is translating your speech." ---------------------------------------------------- One day a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor's office. This undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc. Finally the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest." The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?" To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say." After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then." The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that." ---------------------------------------------------- From the JUNE "Amiga World", p. 7 IMPACT WT150 150 MB Streaming Tape Backup. TAPESTORE(tm) software makes backups simple, fast, interesting, and exciting. Tapestore is included with all IMPACT WT150 orders. Free. Somehow, "interesting" and "exciting" are not two adjectives that give me a warm feeling about a backup system... ---------------------------------------------------- The NeXT computer: "The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a Workstation, the unit sales make it a Mainframe." - unknown ---------------------------------------------------- Get and MBA via modem!! Call 1-800-888-4935 The UNIVERSITY of PHOENIX is accepting qualified applicants for admission to our ONLINE BSBA, MBA, MAM degree programs. ONLINE features a computer-based conferencing system that enables you to study with 12-15 other working professionals from across the USA in a dynamic and stimulating environment via your personal computer. ONLINE provides you with an accredited degree program that transcends timezones schedules, and location, allowing you the advantage of pursuing your career while you pursue your higher education goals. ---------------------------------------------------- From "Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's" Describing the difference between computer hardware and software: "Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software." ---------------------------------------------------- A college student got hopelessly lost in the backwoods trying to take a short-cut home for the holidays. He finally came upon a lone farm house and saw an old man sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair. He went up to the old man to get directions. Student: "Excuse me sir, but, could you tell me how to get to Smithville ?" old man: "Sorry, young fellow, but, I never heered of it." Student: "Well, could you tell me how to get back to the Interstate?" old man: "Ah, what's this here Inter-state thing?" Student: "It's the main road going north and south - a super highway." old man: "A super road you say. Didn't know there was one." Student: "You sure don't know much about whats going on, do you?" old man: "Maybe not, young fellow, but, then again -- I ain't lost." Student (not knowing when to leave bad enough alone): "I've been told that you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you haven't had much schooling." old man: "Could be. Though I did attend school back in ought 7 and 8." Student: "Well sir, I am a college student and I wonder if you would mind having a contest with me to see which of us is the smarter?" old man: "Wouldn't mine atall - what you got in mind?" Student: "How about if we take turns asking each other questions until one of us can't answer." old man: "And what did you say the stakes were?" Student: "Well, I didn't - but if you want to play for money - let's say one dollar a question." old man: "Seems to me - you being a college student and all - that you put up a dollar and I put up fifty cents." Student: "Thats fine with me. You start." old man: "Okey. What has three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?" Student: (after a long pause) "I don't know. Here's your dollar. But, what does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?" old man: "Danged if I know - here's your fifty cents." ---------------------------------------------------- Mexican fruit flies were just discovered in El Cajon, a city in San Diego County (no joke). The state is going to start spraying Malathion to kill off the mexflies before the infestation spreads (no joke). And thousands of local residents have been getting pretty hostile about it (no joke, especially if you're on the city council). So there's this rumor going around that the city council is considering making a TV-movie about the city's insect infestation. They're going to call it "mexflies & videotape." ---------------------------------------------------- News of the Weird: OLD HABITS DIE HARD ------------------- Canadian prison inmate Robert Walters, halfway through a 24-year sentence for robbery, was allowed out of Collins Bay penitentiary for six hours on a "resocializing program" on the condition that his guard keep him in sight at all times. After the two got drunk at a bar, Walters excused himself and popped across the street to rob a bank. FIRST RULE OF CRIME: DON'T GET SIDETRACKED ------------------------------------------ When a man pulled two guns on convenience store clerk Wazir Jiwi and demanded money, Jiwi asked how much he wanted for one of the guns. He said $100, which Jiwi paid him. Then Jiwi offered to buy the second gun. The robber handed it over, grabbed the cash and headed for the exit. But Jiwi had pushed a button under the counter that automatically locked the door. "He turned to me and asked what was going on," Jiwi says. "I told him to bring the money back and I would let him go. He brought the money back, and I opened the door." STAYIN' ALIVE ------------- Doctors at University Hospital in Amsterdam, Holland, are piping disco music into incubators to improve the breathing rhythm of premature babies. The doctors say they started the technique with Perry Como records, but found infant breathing was too slow and unable to keep a beat, so they switched to disco. DON'T CALL MENSA, THEY'LL CALL YOU ---------------------------------- Police had no trouble solving the robbery of a restaurant in Austin, Texas, even though suspect Eugene "Butch" Flenough Jr. disguised himself by wearing a motorcycle helmet. It had "Butch" and "Eugene Flenough Jr." printed on it. CHEAPER THAN A CLOAK OR A DAGGER -------------------------------- The FBI has begun advertising in a Russian-language newspaper in New York City for information from recent Soviet emigres about the KGB. The ads, costing $300 each, promise "replies will be kept in the strictest confidence." ANOTHER REASON NOBODY ASKS COPS TO PARTIES ------------------------------------------ Police in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, raided their own Christmas party for not having a liquor licence. ---------------------------------------------------- Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending winter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls of plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship and appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators. In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called "The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbath in every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers of population where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormous churches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares in size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual development of the culture that produced them. Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous). The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who control the services through a time period divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons. The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of willingness to die for the love of mother. The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg. However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there are eleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other. Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line," seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimation of the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles of education." The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." The transposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easily explained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious posture assumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art, but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the "quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts, namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the instinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back. Behind him are three priests representing the male triad. At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual. At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most intricate gyrations. The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire service. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following success of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches, the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, praying that "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed a dedicated ceremony. *start* 20688 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 May 90 14:23:34 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.D From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Six men are sitting in a bar: The first man says to the second, "You know, I have a 150 I.Q." to which the second man says' "Oh really so do I. What do you do?" "I'm a Knobell prize winning Physicist," said the first man. "So am I..."said the second, and they went on with their conversation. Hearing this the thrird man turned to the fourth and said, "Youknow, I have a 100 IQ" To which the fourth man replied "So do I, what do you do?" "I am a college Professor" "So am I..." and they went on with there conversation. Finally, the fifth guy at the bar turns to the last guy, wipes the foam off his face he just burped up, and says, "You know, I have a 30 IQ" To which the last man replied "So do I, what band do you play with?" ---------------------------------------------------- In this morning's (Wed 9-May-1990) Salt Lake Tribune, there appears a cartoon showing a guy with a magnifying glass examining the lips of a huge George Bush face, and the dialog bubble reads: I'll be darned... You're Right! All along he has been saying "No GNU Taxes"... (And it includes a picture of a gnu, the African antelope (Connochaetes gnou) kind...) The author is "Bagley". ---------------------------------------------------- >From Joyce Lain Kennedy's employment column in the Dallas Morning News, an "ad which reportedly appeared in a paper in Fairbanks, Alaska:" Part-time engineering or business student to follow illiterate steel superintendent and do his paperwork. This man is too valuable to fire and too old to teach. Extremely patient person required. Should be over 19 years old as duties may require going into local bars. Applicants should be ugly and mean. ---------------------------------------------------- On a bracket around the license plate of a chevy... "Friends don't let friends drive Fords." ---------------------------------------------------- True story (from an interview televised on CNN) the chairman of British Petroleum was asked how BP managed to avoid all the adverse publicity that could have resulted from the oil spill off Huntington Beach. Implication was, how come you guys didn¹t make asses of yourselves the way Exxon did. Answer: It¹s very simple. You know what has to be done and you just go ahead and do it BEFORE the lawyers have a chance to get involved !!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- There are three ways to get to the top of a tree: 1) Climb it 2) Sit on an acorn 3) Make friends with a big bird ---------------------------------------------------- So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable in his own skin, has a hard time relating to people, you know the type, right? So he's in a bookstore, see's a book called "How to Hug", so he thinks yes, this could really help him. So he buys it, takes it home, starts to read it, and damn it if isn't volume 8 of an encyclopedia! ---------------------------------------------------- Charles Curran, Hans Kung, and Cardinal Ratzinger all died at the same time and ended up at the pearly gates together, where they were met by St. Peter. "You guys are too smart for me," said St. Peter, "You will have personal interviews with Our Lord Himself. Each one of you in turn must go into that cabin to be examined by Jesus." Charles Curran goes in first. After a quarter of an hour he comes out, looking a little shaken. "What happened?" ask the others. "He told me I have to spend a hundred years in Purgatory," answers Curran and away he goes. Hans Kung goes in next. After half an hour he comes out, very upset. "What happened?" "He told me I have to spend five hundred years in Purgatory." Finally Cardinal Ratzinger goes in. Hours pass, and St Peter is beginning to get curious. At last the cabin door opens, and Jesus comes out. "Lord, what happened?" asks St Peter. "He told me I have to spend a thousand years in Purgatory." --------------- All three men are theologians. Curran came under fire recently for denying Church teachings while he was a professor at an official faculty of theology. Kung has advanced some pretty serious semi(?)-heresies. Ratzinger is the person in charge of purity of doctrine in the Church, "the watchdog on orthodoxy" to use newspaper terms, and hence the person who takes errant theologians to task. ---------------------------------------------------- >From: gay@venice.SEDD.TRW.COM (Lance Gay) Subject: SCRABBLE: An example of a high-scoring game (SPOILER) The following example of a SCRABBLE game produced a score of 2448 for one player and 1175 for the final word. It is taken from _Beyond Language_ (1967) by Dmitri Borgman (pp. 217-218). He credits this solution to Mrs. Josefa H. Byrne of San Francisco and implies that all words can be found in _Webster's Second Edition_. The two large words (multiplied by 27 as they span 3 triple word scores) are ZOOPSYCHOLOGIST (a psychologist who treats animals rather than humans) and PREJUDICATENESS (the condition or state of being decided beforehand). The asterisks (*) represent the blank tiles. (Please excuse any typo's). Board Player1 Player2 Z O O P S Y C H O L O G I S T ABILITY 76 ERI, YE 9 O N H A U R O W MAN, MI 10 EN 2 * R I B R O V E I FEN, FUN 14 MANIA 7 L T I K E G TABU 12 RIB 6 O L NEXT 11 AM 4 G I AX 9 END 6 I T IT, TIKE 10 LURE 6 * Y E LEND, LOGIC*AL 79 OO*LOGICAL 8 A R FUND, JUD 27 ATE, MA 7 L E N D M I ROVE 14 LO 2 E A Q DARE, DE 13 ES, ES, RE 6 W A X F E N U RE, ROW 14 IRE, IS, SO 7 E T A B U I A DARED, QUAD 22 ON 4 E N A M D A R E D WAX, WEE 27 WIG 9 P R E J U D I C A T E N E S S CHIT, HA 14 ON 2 PREJUDICATENESS, AN, MANIAC, QUADS, WEEP 911 OOP 8 ZOOPSYCHOLOGIST, HABILITY, TWIG, ZOOLOGICAL 1175 -------------------------------------- Total: 2438 93 F, N, V, T in loser's hand: +10 -10 -------------------------------------- Final Score: 2448 83 ----------------------------------------------------------------- P R E F A C E ------------- A lot of Yankees might have been thinking I lack a sense of humor. This is of course completely wrong. Actually, I was simply too busy to joke in the past. Now with all my official po- sitions resigned, I finally got time to work out the following jokes. I hope all of you could enjoy them like we did here. A few days ago, I called all the staffs and officials working in the Great Hall of the People together to listen to these jokes. The hall all roared with laughter like a hell. Jiang Zemin laughed so hard that he even rolled all over the floor, while Li Peng was only able to pretend laughing in a bitter and unwilling way. Whatever your reactions would be to these jokes, please remember that the famous Deng Xiaoping's law holds everywhere universally, namely: (1) If you get the kick, you are promised a candidacy for the future position of Jiang Zemin; (2) If you don't, you are as stupid as Li Peng; (3) If you want to be a noisy donkey, shut up! (4) If you don't like them, you die! I would like to post them to SCC for the first time, for the sake of a few ugly Chinamans I like. I may asked my friend to forward them to rec.humor later. Bon jour! Deng Xiaoping Beijing, China A Chinese worker was turned to police by his brother after June 4th crackdown. He was reported to have said ``Li Peng looks very stupid sometimes!'' when watching TV with his brother. However, the cops were too busy on searching for those fugitive elites to deal with such a trivial thing. They decided that they would release this guy if he made an statement to correct what he al- legedly had said. So he was finally freed with a correct state- ment -- ``Li Peng does not look very stupid sometimes.'' ---------------------------------------------------- Beijing's hard-line President Yang Shangkun finally came up with an idea to retaliate the economical sanction imposed by the US in protesting China's violation of human rights. In his letter to President Bush brought back by the US special envoy, President Yang threatened that, if the current deteriorated Sino-US rela- tionship continued, China would consider to cut off the export of broccoli to the United States. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a light bulb? A: About 5,000 in late 1986 when they tossed away Hu Yaobang and Zhao Ziyang was the new light bulb; about 100,000 in mid-1989 when they tossed away Zhao Ziyang and Jiang Zemin was the new light bulb. ---------------------------------------------------- During his recent summit trip to USSR, China's hard-line premier Li Peng had been warmly welcomed by the country where he once spent several years as a Chinese abroad student. Naturally, he would seize every opportunity to show off his knowledge of Rus- sian language. Here his eyes happened to be caught by this book <> (The Forging of Steel) of Nikolai Os- trovski on the Russian literature shelf during a visit to the biggest bookstore in Moscow with Gorbachev and other Soviet VIP's. He then told Gorby that this book would be very valuable to China's iron & steel industry if it were translated into Chinese. However, Arkhipov, the first chairman of the Soviet Council of Ministers kindly reminded his Chinese guest of that this book had been already translated into Chinese entitled <> and it was loved by many Chinese youth even way back when he was then an expert to China in 1950's. For breaking up the embarrassment, Gorbachev joked Arkhipov,``Comrade, I hope you hadn't made the impression that it was our beloved hero Ostrovski who should be blamed for Mao's failure of his Steel Campaign in the Great Leap Forward period.'' ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------ Copyright (C) by Deng Xiaoping, 1990 ------------------------------------------------ All rights reserved under Beijing International Copyright Bureau. Permit is guaranteed to any individual who wants to distribute or reproduce for non-commercial purpose, under the condition that the entirety of the work is preserved and this copyright notice is included. ------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------------------------- There was this tramp ("bum" in the U.S.A). One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. The father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out" "Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe" "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty". "Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile "Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten dollars" replied the tramp. "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously. The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars" "Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it" ************************* A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean- going liner he has ever seen. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin" The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went doen through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..." "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived.... ...and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."> He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "O.K." agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb.... up and up ... below him the ship grew smaller ... on and on ... past a solitary albatross ... and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ... and on still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink... past our moon ... and on ... and mars ... and on ... higher, and higher , through the asteroid belt, and on and on towards the diving board, ... past the outer planets, until... ... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System ... ... he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then... . .' '. . . . . he jumped . . . . . . : slowly at first : but speeding up : : : : faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the other outer planets . . . . . through the asteroid belt: past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster... past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL.......... SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping.... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have *NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen" The tramp blushed. The captain went on: "But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see.... ....I'm a poor tramp... ...so you must understand ... ... I've been through many a hardship in my life" *start* 15437 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 14 Jun 90 17:28:10 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 6.E From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Wasn't it Mark Twain who remarked that America has only one distinct criminal class, the Congress? Now, what percentage of the Congress is made up of lawyers. Just chance? ---------------------------------------------------- "Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important." Eugene McCarthy ---------------------------------------------------- Kohl: "Will we complet German Unification?" God: "While you are in the office." Bush: "Will Double deficit be gone?" God: "Not while you in the office." Gorby: "Will Perestroika be successful?" God: "Not while I AM in the office." ---------------------------------------------------- A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo." The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me." ---------------------------------------------------- Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial, but my problems are real. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear the one about the bull who swallowed a bomb?? Oh, I just can't tell it to you!! It's abominable. ---------------------------------------------------- There are three flies in the kitchen...which one's the cowboy? The one on the range! There are three flies in the bathroom...which one's the hippy? The one on the pot! ---------------------------------------------------- Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. -- Booth Tarkington ---------------------------------------------------- A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers make photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" ------------------------------------------------------ Scenario: woman with a toothache reluctantly visits her dentist woman: Gosh, Dr., I don't know which I hate the most; undergoing dental work or having a baby!!!! dentist: Well, make up your MIND, Lady!! I'VE GOT TO KNOW HOW TO ADJUST THE CHAIR!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks. While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going. Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department. Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food. By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed! ---------------------------------------------------- "The meek will inherit the earth--if that's OK with you." That reminds me of a quote from oilman J. Paul Getty: "The meek will inherit the earth--but not the mineral rights." ---------------------------------------------------- ObJoke: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the Chinese newspaper. Get it? No. Me neither. I get the New York Times. ---------------------------------------------------- >From _Access to Energy_, June 1990 (without permission, but excerpted only): The Competitive Institute (Washington D.C.) announced an energy conservation award to M. Gorbachev and delivered it to the Soviet Embassy on May 1. "In recent weeks Mikhail Gorbachev has reduced Lithuanian oil and gas consumption by over 80%," stated CEI president Fred Smith. "These unprecedented strides in energy conservation, accomplished in what by Western standards is an incredibly short time, demonstrate the importance of looking beyond our borders for new ideas on how to save energy..." ---------------------------------------------------- The current premier of China Li Peng is quite stupid. He was sent to Soviet Union to study engineering when he was young. On the first day of his arrival at the city, a Russian comrade accompanied him on the street.The comrade told Li Peng that according to traffic rules cars must use the right half of the road. Li Peng was puzzled: Who will use the left half? ---------------------------------------------------- Once the father of the warlord visited the son at his headquater. The warlord told his father if he wanted anything just pick up the phone and talk. The warlord then went to do his business and left his father alone. Wondering what gadget the telephone was, the father picked up the phone and said:" I want a bottle of wine." A minute later a bottle of wine was sent in. "Oh, it seems so magic! I'll try once more". This time a fried chicken was ordered. "Wow, it's really magic! Why not bring this to home, so I can enjoy whatever I want." Without being noticed, the father left, with the phone. ---------------------------------------------------- Weird News - Around May 1990 FIRST THINGS FIRST ------------------ As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead STRIKING STATISTIC ------------------ The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut. WE ONLY WANTED IT TO PROP OPEN A WINDOW --------------------------------------- In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had asked for a Bible during deliberations. GOT ANY WITH BIGGER DOORS? -------------------------- When the Sudanese government showed an interest in buying two Russian transport planes to ferry supplies to famine-ridden ares in the south, the acting Soviet ambassador allowed the Sudanese to test-fly the aircraft. They flew to rebel-held Yirol and bombed the city, pushing bombs out of the cargo doors. ---------------------------------------------------- Mercedes Benz Driving Test 1. Before changing lanes you should: a. signal. b. check. c. both a & b. d. just swing into the lane without doing either a or b. 2. The top light on a traffic signal is: a. red. b. yellow. c. green. d. Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway. 3. The speed limit in a residential area is: a. 35 MPH. b. 25 MPH. c. 45 MPH. d. I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want. 4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: a. slow to a walking pace. b. go around the block. c. stop. d. speed up and honk your horn. 5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: a. maintain your speed. b. slow a little. c. slow a lot. d. speed up and don't bother honking your horn. 6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane: a. never. b. when there is a left turn arrow. c. on Sunday at 2 A.M. d. When ever you damn well feel like it. 7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you: a. must stop. b. may pass on the left after checking. c. may pass after slowing to 5 MPH. d. use your car phone to order chinese food while passing on the left. 8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should: a. pull to the right and stop. b. pull into the nearest car wash. c. roll down your windows. d. turn up the radio and ignore it. 9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station: a. never. b. when the doors are closed. c. if there are no police around. d. when you have missed your turn. 10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should: a. relax. b. watch the signal. c. stop a safe distance back from the car in front. d. call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that your have a car phone. 11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal: a. two blocks before turning. b. two car lengths before turning. c. two miles before turning. d. what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him. 12. A U-turn in a business district is legal: a. only at an intersection. b. always. c. never. d. if I pass a sale at the jewelers. 13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted: a. never. b. on Sunday. c. if there is a fire hydrant. d. when I'll only be there for five minutes. 14. What is your annual gross income: a. $10,000-20,000. b. $20,000-40,000. c. $40,000-80,000. d. $80,000 and up. Scoring If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice. If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest. If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you just don't have what it takes to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver, perhaps you should consider a BMW. Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles. ---------------------------------------------------- "The Texas House of Representives has given Televoision Host David Letterman 10 reasons to broadcast his latenight show live from Austin's Paramount Theatre on the hall's 75th anniversary. The Normally rowdy House was quieted long enough for the resolution, borrowing the countdown gimmick that Letterman often uses, to be read and videotaped. Once letterman views the tape, he will realize that he should telecast his show from Auston because: (10) The givernon has promised that Letterman will not be executed during his visit to out state. (9) No women in Ausrin currently claims to be married to or even a little bit interested in Letterman. (8) No celebrity of Letterman's magnitude has visited Auston since 1966, when Burgess Meredith arrived in his private Penguin Plane for the world premiere of the origional Batman movie. (7) We could have asked Katharine Hepburn to come, but she would have turned us down flat. (6) A psychic channeler has determined that Letterman is thge unwitting host for the spirit of out late President Lyndon Baines Johnson and that the oil bust will not be over until Dave brings Lyndon home. (5) A cowboy hat is the only headgear that can fully conceal those pesky defects in Letterman's coiffure. (4) The texas National guard has agreed to keep Cher and Shirley MacLaine outside the cuty limits during Letterman's stay. (3) Letterman will not be required to participate in Spam-A-Rama, Austin's annual tribute to the canned meat described in the resolution as "a certain nationally known pink rubberized food product." (2) During his visit, the city's 750,000 resident bats will perform the world's largest stupid urban bat trick by re-creating the astrological sign of Letterman's choice in the skies above Austin. (1) Throughout his stay, Letterman will be officially addressed by all Texans as "The Great White Enchilada From Somewhere South of Poughkeepsie." The resolution was sponsored by Republican Rep. Terral Smith in the recognition of the theater's annicersary celebration. Meanwhile NBC wants the latenight hipster involved in a new Saturday morning version of NBC's kissie classic "Howdy Doody" (1947-60). The show wouldn't premiere until midseason at the earliest. Even though people say he looks like Howdy, Letterman would be producer, not host. NBC sources say that the network wanted "Late Night" bandleader Paul Shaffer to play Howdy's sidekick, Buffalo Bob, but Shaffer declined. An NBC spokesman denies that Letterman wants out of "Late Night" now in it's ninth season." ---------------------------------------------------- Dear Friends, There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are forced to write in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2 by saying "PRINT 2+2" or something equally laconic (indeed the older ones amongst us can actually do such calculations in our heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2 GIVING THE ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING" So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here is a typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary confinement with nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company. Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English Dictionary (20-odd volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when this request denied. Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own dictionary from bits of bed linen and stale soup. Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it to add two and two. Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual. Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency engineering. Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend codes. Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his warder brings him a bowl of porridge. ... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete cure can be guaranteed. Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with the campaign, I just want some money. *start* 15311 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 23 Jun 90 15:42:14 PDT (Saturday) Subject: Life 6.F From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- I have a sign that should be in every retail store... Prices subject to change according to customers attitude ---------------------------------------------------- There is a Martin Mull joke about finding a wonderful book tittled "GIRL to GRAB", and then discovering it was volume 6 of the encyclopedia. ---------------------------------------------------- Dave Ten Eyck of Anniston, Ala., was injured recently after he attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a .22-caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot Ten Eyck in the knee. ---------------------------------------------------- Charles Erickson, 65, won $95,000 in a La Crosse, Wis., trial in March because a 6-inch clamp was left inside his body after a lung operation. Erickson said he had not planned to sue, but then Lutheran Hospital sent him a bill for the subsequent operation, which was soley to remove the clamp. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard that Edward (father of the H-bomb) Teller volunteered to go on national television and eat as much plutonium as Ralph Nader will eat pure caffiene. ---------------------------------------------------- Using the resources of the wholly fictional Galloping Poll Service, "Computer Systems News" has come up with a list of useless pieces of data: 1. 56.7 percent of all high-technology industry investors believe what a company's accountants tell them about the state of the business' financial health. 2. 75.2 percent of all high-technology industry investors believe what "The Wall Street Journal" tells them about the state of the business' financial health. 3. 80.1 percent of all high-technology industry investors believe in the Easter Bunny. ---------------------------------------------------- A horrible law suit: >From the Chicago Tribune, 6/8/90. "NAPLES, Italy(AP)--...the claim [for damages] involves an accident in March involving a medium-sized Regata and a tiny Panda car...The young man claimed he and his girlfriend were engaged in amorous activity in their car when the large car hit it from behind. The impact momentarily made them lose control, resulting in pregnancy...The suit demands compensation for the cost of repairing the Panda and the cost of the wedding the couple decided to have after discovering the woman was pregnant." ---------------------------------------------------- When asked by the prosecutor why the defendant shot the other guy (the alleged assailant) six times in **self-defense**, he replied; " I ran out of bullets, Sir." ---------------------------------------------------- Has anybody read the warning message printed on the back of those little foldy-uppy cardboard thingys that you put in you windshield to keep the car from getting too hot when setting in the sun? On mine, it says "Warning: Do not drive your car with the sunscreen in place. Remove sunscreen before starting engine." No wonder I have been having so many wrecks lately! ---------------------------------------------------- They had a vax that would hang at random times. The DEC people were out once or twice a month, but couldn't get it to replicate the problem: by the time the found the problem, they'd replaced almost every board! Turned out that there was a pretty small piece of metallic gum-wrapper inside the cabinet, that was blown about by the fans until it shorted a (random) pair of pins, bringing the machine down. Of course, when they turned the machine off and opened the doors, the wrapper settled on the floor out of sight... ---------------------------------------------------- From inveterate contributor Jim Day (JimDay:PASA) Los Angeles Times, May 11: If aliens from outer space landed in Los Angeles they'd probably go unnoticed, no matter how bizarre their appearance. Their main problem would be finding a place to park. That could explain why a parking lot in northeast Los Angeles has spaces marked ALIEN 27, ALIEN 28, etc. Even odder is the fact that the lot is at a city animal shelter. Has Los Angeles been invaded by poodles from Procyon IV? Actually, the parking spots have been rented by employees of the TV show Alien Nation, which has a production office across the street. Or is that what THEY want us to think? ---------------------------------------------------- 1. The Data Entry "Test" - Years ago I had a temporary assignment at a financial management firm that had an ongoing "help wanted" ad in the local paper. Each night seven or eight applicants showed up to take a "test" consisting of c. two hours of entering data into computers. You guessed it - these "tests" were how almost all of the company's data input was done! 2. The Eternal "Evaluation" - A friend of mine worked at a low budget film company that seemed to have a new photocopier almost every month. Actually, they did. The owner would apparently contact a supplier, say he was interested in buying or leasing a copier, but wanted a free evaluation period first. Apparently Los Angeles had enough willing vendors to sustain a perpetual evaluation if you are willing to change copiers every month or so. ( Supposedly, a large, Silicon Valley software company once used a variation of this technique to originally get almost all of their PC equipment gratis. Don't know if it included any saxophones....) ---------------------------------------------------- A priest died and went to heaven. When he got to the gate, he found a N.Y. city taxi cab driver in front of him. "My son, what did you do on earth?", St. Peter asked the cab driver. "I was a cab driver in New York City", he replied. "Then welcome to your reward", said St. Peter. The gate swung wide to reveal a lavish mansion with deluxe swimming pool, clear blue skies, choice food, and lots of babes and dudes having a blast. The cab driver let out a whoop and sprung in rejoicing! "Well! My reward will really be something to behold", the priest thought to himself. So he walked up to St. Peter, who asked what he'd done on earth. "Well your Emminence, I was a priest -- and my sermons were so good that no one ever fell asleep!", he replied. "Then welcome to your reward", said St. Peter. The gate swung open to reveal a dull grey cottage underneath overcast skies. The cottage was in need of a new coat of paint and the bushes were overgrown and sorely in need of pruning. And there was no one to be seen! "Hey, how come the cab driver got such great digs and I get this dump instead?", the flabbergasted priest asked. "Well, my son, no one ever fell asleep during your sermons, that's true. But when they got into that cab driver's taxi, wow, did they pray!", said the saint. ---------------------------------------------------- A man owned a museum, and he lived up above it. The museum was full of all the priceless what-not you expect to find in a museum. Well, one day, a would-be burglar hid in a suit of armor until late at night when everyone was gone and the owner went to bed. As the crook made his way to the jewels, the clanking and jingling of the armor he was still wearing woke the owner up. When Mr. Owner clicked the light on, the crook, decided to play ghost, and raised his arms and screamed "yaaaaaaaah!" The owner wasn't exactly fooled. I think he pushed the crook over on his back, where he lay like a june bug until the cops showed. ---------------------------------------------------- A man was on trial for the robbery of another man's house. The defendant had decided to defend himself without the help of an attourney. He had the man whose house and been robbed on the stand, and was grilling him. The defendant asked something like "And just what were you doing the night of the 17th when I was robbing your house?" I think the judge threw the case out when he stopped laughing. ---------------------------------------------------- John Smith was locking up his martial arts academy, still in his robe and black belt. A mugger approached him from behind, pulled a knife and demanded money. The mugger is reported in serious, but improving condition in the local hospital. ---------------------------------------------------- This reminds me of a story I heard on KPWR in Los Angeles. It seems this guy was trying to rob a Ready Teller cash machine at a bank. He couldn't figure out how to get to the money, so he decided to tear off the front of the machine by tying a rope to it and attaching the other end to his car. He hit the gas, the Ready Teller machine didn't give, and the guy's rear bumper ripped clean off. He got scared because of the commotion he had caused and drove off.....leaving his bumber, with license plate attached, behind. The plate was promptly traced and he was apprehended shortly thereafter. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard about a guy who wanted to rob an automatic teller machine. Only thing was this guy didn't believe that they were really machines. He truly believed that there was a *little person* in the *big box*! Instead of using his card, he put a 'Give me all your money, or I will shoot you' type note in the ATM. When he didn't get any money, he shot it. ---------------------------------------------------- We had a case in Stockholm where a pub was broken into and several bottles of spirits removed allong with all the chips from the roulette table. The thieves were caught the next day when they came back and tried to cash the chips in. ( The policeman handling the arrest said that this was pretty common in Stockholm). ---------------------------------------------------- Japan's Got Us Beat in the Service Department, Too by Hilary Hinds Kitasei My husband and I bought one souvenir the last time we were in Tokyo -- a Sony compact disk player. The transaction took seven minutes at the Odakyu Department Store, including time to find the right department and to wait while the salesman filled out a second charge slip after misspelling my husband's name on the first. My in-laws, who were our hosts in the outlying city of Sagamihara, were eager to see their son's purchase, so he opened the box for them to see the next morning. But when he tried to demonstrate the player, it wouldn't work. We peered inside. It had no innards! My husband used the time until the Odakyu would open at 10:00 to practice for the rare opportunity in that country to wax indignant. But at a minute to 10:00 he was pre-empted by the store ringing us. My mother-in-law took the call, and had to hold the receiver away from her ear against the barrage of Japanese honorifics. Odakyu's vice president was on his way over with a new disk player. A taxi pulled up 50 minutes later and spilled out the vice president and a junior employee who was laden with packages and a clipboard. In the entrance hall, the two men bowed vigorously. The younger man was still bobbing as he read from a log that recorded the progress of their efforts to rectify their mistake, beginning at 4:32 p.m. the day before, when the salesclerk alerted the store's security guards to stop my husband at the door. When that didn't work, the clerk turned to his supervisor, who turned to his supervisor, until a SWAT team leading all the way to the vice president was in place to work on the only clues, a name and an American Express card number. Remembering that the customer had asked him about using the disk player in the U.S., the clerk called 32 hotels in and around Tokyo to ask if a Mr. Kitasei was registered. When that turned up nothing, the Odakyu commandeered a staff member to stay until 9:00 p.m. to call American Express headquarters in New York. American Express gave him our New York telephone number. It was after 11 when he reached my parents, who were staying at our apartment. My mother gave him my in-laws' telephone number. The younger man looked up from his clipboard and gave us, in addition to the new $280 disk player, a set of towels, a box of cakes, and a Chopin disk. Three minutes after this exhausted pair had arrived, they were climbing back into the waiting cab. The vice president suddenly dashed back. He had forgotten to apologize for my husband having to wait while the salesman had rewritten the charge slip, but he hoped we understood that it had been the young man's first day. ---------------------------------------------------- Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird". (a) Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins. (b) Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in. (c) The Ann Abort News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. And it gets better: (d) David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. (e) The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.* Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. (f) Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. (g) Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had it happen." *start* 15758 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 4 Jul 90 16:03:39 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.G From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- When in doubt, think ---------------------------------------------------- There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that says " Now Serving Food " . It makes me wonder what they used to serve. ---------------------------------------------------- You know you're old when... you go to the Wherehouse, and all of your favorite groups have "The Best Of..." CD's. ---------------------------------------------------- My brother is a Nuclear Engineer that graduated from A&M in 1985 and now works for Brown's Ferry Nuclear Plant in Alabama. My dad was discussing with a coworker (I actually think it was his boss) the fact that my brother and his wife were going to be visiting over the Memorial Day weekend. His coworker said, "I don't really understand why we need nuclear power. We've got electricity." ---------------------------------------------------- Two guys in a Yugo were arrested last night in Oakland following a push-by shooting incident. The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start pumping real fast. ---------------------------------------------------- In response to hating: STATE POLICE CLOCK SPEED BY AIRCRAFT Perhaps more alarming are the signs posted along the PA Turnpike and elsewhere in Pennsylvania: SPEED LIMIT ENFORCED FROM AIRCRAFT. Of course, most savvy PA motorists equip their cars with ECM and flare ejection systems to confuse the radar and heat seeking missiles so it's really pretty much of a standoff... ---------------------------------------------------- The fellow in the office next to mine recently acquired an office accessory (a rather large letter holder) which came in a cardboard box on which was printed, in inch-high capital letters, "THANKS FOR BUYING AN AMERICAN-MADE PRODUCT." To underscore the point, the unmistakable silhouette of the Statue of Liberty was printed just to the left of the slogan. Do you think the folks who chose the Statue of Liberty for this appeal to patriotism remembered where the Statue of Liberty itself was made? ---------------------------------------------------- A relative claims to have seen this one: After driving a few hundred miles of desert, with nothing much to break the horizon, a sign began to loom ahead. It read: MONOTONOUS, ISN'T IT? She says that it took another hundred miles to wipe the grin off her face. Has anyone seen this? (It was a US desert, presumably in the CA/UT/NEV area, eh?). ---------------------------------------------------- While driving across the salt flats in Utah a few years back (pretty dull scenery after a while), I noticed that someone had stuck a little handmade sign into the white-topped ground next to the highway, declaring "SALT." That's nice, I think, and continue for another couple of miles, where I see a little (say 10' x 10') area that somebody has hoed, so that the white-top is mixed in with the dirt below. In the middle of this patch is another sign: "PEPPER" I laughed all the way to Nevada! ---------------------------------------------------- On the island of Maui, Hawaii, if you follow (I think) Kehei Rd. past Makena, you start driving over an old lava flow. On the side of the road, in front of someone's house, there is a sign which reads: CAUTION: LUNAR SURFACE AHEAD ---------------------------------------------------- Heard in an East German department store: Customer: Don't you have any shoes here? Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture, here. No shoes is one floor down. ---------------------------------------------------- A man goes out one night and drinks bourbon and water. The next day he has a terrible hangover. The next time he goes out drinking, he drinks scotch and water. The next day he has a terrible hangover. The third time he goes out drinking, he drinks vodka and water. The next day he again has a terrible hangover. He relates his problems to a statistician who promptly advises him that the cause of his problems is clear. Stop drinking water! ---------------------------------------------------- One night in late October, When I was far from sober, Returning with my load of manly pride, My feet began to stutter, So I lay down in the gutter, And a pig came near and lay down by my side; A lady passing by was heard to say: "You can tell a man who boozes, By the company he chooses," And the pig got up and slowly walked away. ---------------------------------------------------- He reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then, when sentence was about to be pronounced, pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. -Abraham Lincoln Own Stories Men are not hanged for stealing horses, but that horses may not be stolen. -Lord Halifax Works He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave. -Sir William Drummond Academical Questions The least pain in our little finger gives us more concern and uneasiness than the destruction of millions of our fellow human beings. -William Hazlitt Works, Vol.X He had occasional flashes of silence, that made his conversation perfectly delightful. -Sydney Smith referring to Macaulay When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -Thomas Paine Common Sense ---------------------------------------------------- Once there were these two (2) archeologists who had experienced most of the world's excitement (as far as archeology goes). However, there was one item of interest they had not yet discovered. It was rumor, mostly. It was the Green Gorilla. After some research, they took off in a plane from New York City for Africa. Landing in a major city, they asked of the natives if he had heard of the green gorilla. He said yes, and could give them directions, only if they promised that if, by some chance they found the green gorilla, not to touch it. They agreed and drove off to another, more remote town. Upon arriving, they asked a native if she had heard of the green gorilla. She said yes, and could give them directions to a supposed hidden village, if they promised not to touch the green gorilla if they found it. They agreed and headed out. After some walking they found the village, and, after asking a villager, were given directions to it's habitat only after swearing they would not touch the green gorilla if they were lucky enough to find it. Well, believe it or not, our 2 archeologists actually came across a clearing, and sure enough there sat the green gorilla. It seemed to be asleep. In the shock and the excitement of actually finding it, one of the archeologists must have forgotten his promises, for he walked up and touched the green gorilla. Words alone could not describe the result. The green gorilla awoke and roared in anger. Immediately the 2 archeologists started to run, but the green gorilla followed, leaving destruction in it's path! They managed to make it back to the village, found their truck and started to drive away. They thought they were safe, but as they looked behind them the gorilla was keeping chase (not leaving much of the village standing)! They made it back to the city, the green gorilla still in pursuit, drove to the airport, found their plane and tried to make an emergency take-off. Just as they got their plane off the ground the green gorilla grabbed hold of the tail and hung on! They thought they could shake it off, but the green gorilla would not let go and worse yet, was slowly making it's way to the front of the plane! They landed back in New York City and ran for cover, the green gorilla right behind leaving a wreck trucks, planes--whatever got in it's way! They ran to the air traffic tower (the only safe looking ediface). Their hopes of safety were soon lost when green gorilla came crashing through the wall! They went up to the top, still being chased. Once there they realized they were trapped. The green gorilla continued his stalk, tearing equipment out of the wall and floor in his frenzy. As the two huddled in the corner afraid for their lives, the green gorilla got closer. As the end neared, the green gorilla lifted one of it's mighty arms, reached out and touched the archeologist saying "Tag. You're it!" ---------------------------------------------------- ------- Forwarded Message (origin lost in the mists of time) Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)." The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived happily ever after. ---------------------------------------------------- HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE 1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned. 2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime after 4PM is OK. 3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed bye the serviceman. 4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references to the man who was here for the same problem last week. 5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem. 6. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the machine will be back in service. 7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips. 8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus. 9. Ask again when the machine will be ready for use. 10. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded. 11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing. 12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him that the job should be swell, it took long enough. 13. Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too much money anyway. 14. After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to the company's home office. 15. Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the problem *start* 15716 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 5 Jul 90 15:16:52 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 6.H From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "If you can't explain it, you don't really understand it." -- Harley Hahn ---------------------------------------------------- (Another quote from Josh Billings, the author of the quote: "The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.") As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. ---------------------------------------------------- "Save Florida---teach a Yankee to drive!" ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? A: You can't: a mosquito is a vector and a mountain climber is a scalar. ---------------------------------------------------- Culled from Herb Caen's column (28 Jun 90): Opera buffs have lately been calling Placido Domingo's understudy Placebo Domingo...... ---------------------------------------------------- A colleague of mine says he picked up a copy of an American newspaper in which the soccer correspondent complained that the Word Cup competition had been unfair to the US. The American team, he complained, had had to play Trinidad and Tobago on the same day, whereas no other team had to play more than one match a day. [Explanation for dumboes: Trinidad and Tobago is, of course, a single country.] ---------------------------------------------------- There was a guy in Baltimore who robbed a bank two blocks from his house. It was early morning and there was new-fallen snow on the ground. His footprints led right to his front doorstep. ---------------------------------------------------- In Louisiana a while back, a couple of fugitives were travelling down U.S. 190 when they stopped at Troop K State Police Headquarters. They thought it was a motel and were looking for a room. There was one available :-) ---------------------------------------------------- Crook robs a bank. Teller asks him to fill out a receipt for the money. He does, and later is arrested. He can't figure out how he was caught. ---------------------------------------------------- A husband and wife team robbed a grocery store. On the way out, she notices a a clear plastic bin ( empty ) for a grand prize drawing. She filled out an entry blank and dropped it in. They were quickly arrested. ---------------------------------------------------- I read this in a local paper: A robber wearing 4 inch high platform shoes robbed a Little Caesar's pizza joint. He escaped on foot. The police found a man answering the description of the thief lying unconscious on the sidwalk less than half a block from the scene of the crime. While running away, the robber had tripped on his own shoes and knocked himself out. Worse, while he was out, evidently somebody relieved him of the proceeds of the crime. ---------------------------------------------------- A pair of burglars broke into a house that was bagged for termite spraying, and were overcome by the gas. Stupidity _was_ a capital offense. ---------------------------------------------------- A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!" ---------------------------------------------------- Tatoo specialists in Washington are overwhelmed by politicians these days. It seems that there is a great demand to have the following message tatooed in small print on the corner of the lower lip: The information on these lips is subject to change without notice. ---------------------------------------------------- The following letter was reported in the BBC Radio 4 'News Quiz' as appearing in a Newfoundland newspaper: Sir, In 50 years, I have never before felt the need to write to a newspaper. However, in the light of recent events, I can remain quiet no longer. Yours sincerely.... ---------------------------------------------------- This story is from Lord Dunsany's _My Ireland_, and may be true: A proper English businessman was on a business trip to Ireland, and arrived from the ferry at the train station. Being a punctual, precise sort of a man, he immediately checked his watch against a large clock at the station. To his dismay, it was considerably different from his watch, even though Ireland and England are in the same time zone. Glancing to his left, he saw another wall clock, with yet a third time. Feeling annoyed, and needing to vent his anger, he stopped an Irish porter and said, "What is the point of having two clocks if they don't even have the same time?" The porter replied, "Sure, what would be the point of having two clocks if they had the same time?" ---------------------------------------------------- [original author unknown] ******************************************************************************* This file contains a list of quotes from people in mathematical or scientific circles at Cambridge University, England (hehehe, never miss a chance to put the Cambridge people down, especially if you study at Oxford). ******************************************************************************** 1985: Overheard at a supervision : Supervisor : Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics ? Supervisee : Ah! Well,what do we mean by"to understand"in the context of Quantum Mechanics? Supervisor : You mean"No",don't you? Supervisee : Yes. The Tautology prize goes to the lecturer who uttered the gem: " If we complicate things they get less simple." This year's modesty award is given for a phrase spoken by a lecturer after a rather difficult concept had just been introduced. " You may feel that this is a little unclear but in fact I am lecturing it extremely well." Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party : " Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces !" A Senior mathematician was asked which language he used for some of his computing. He replied that he used a very high level language: RESEARCH STUDENT ****************************************************************************** 1986 >From an algebra lecture: "A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to." >From the same lecturer: "This book fills a well needed gap in the literature." And another encouraging book review: "This book is only for the serious enthusiast ; I haven't read it myself." Two quotes from an electrical engineer (but former mathematician): "...but the four-colour theorem was sufficiently true at the time." "The whole point of mathematics is to solve differential equations!" And,as a contrast,a quote from a well known mathematician/physicist: "Trying to solve [differential] equations is a youthful aberration that you will soon grow out of." While on the subject how about this fundamental law of physics heard in General Relativity this year: "Nature abhors second order differential equations." A perplexing quote from a theoretical chemist: "...but it might be a quasi-infinite set." What is a "quasi-infinite set? Answers on a strictly finite postcard,please. This year's Modesty Prize is awarded to the lecturer who said : "Of course,this isn't really the best way to do it.But seeing as you're not quite as clever as I am-in fact none of you are anywhere near as clever as I am-we'll do it this way." >From the same lecturer : "Now we'll prove the theorem.In fact I'll prove it all by myself." And from a particle physics course : "This course will contain a lot of charm and beauty but very little truth." A comparison between the programming languages BCPL and BSPL : "Like BCPL you can omit semicolons almost anywhere." At the beginning of a course it is important to reassure the audience about how straight-forward the course is and about how good the lectures are going to be. But what about this quote from the beginning of the Galois Theory course: "This is going to be an adventure for you...and for me." Or this one from Statistical Physics: "At the meeting in August I put my name down for this course becase I knew nothing about it." In the middle of the Stochastic Systems course the lecturer offered this piece of careers advice: "If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career in chartered accountancy beckons." A lecturer of Linear Systems found the following on his board when he arrived one morning: " Roses are red, Violets are blue, Greens' functions are boring And so are Fourier transforms. " An engineer actually gave an answer to the question of "quasi-infinite" sets: "It's one with more than ten elements." And they wonder why buildings fall over... ******************************************************************************* 1987 >From a supervisor : "Any theorem in Analysis can be fitted onto an arbitrarily small piece of paper if you are sufficiently obscure." No matter how elegant a course is there will always be occasions when a certain about of arithmetic is called for: "I just want you to have a brief boggle at the belly-busting complexity of evaluating this." A lecturer recently started to use RUNES in his course! His justification: "I need an immediately distinguishable character...so I'll use something that no-one will recognise." >From a Special Relativity lecture: "...and you find you get masses of energy." It's nice to see the general-purpose 'nobbling constant' making a welcome return to Cambridge lectures: "This must be wrong by a factor that oughtn't to be too different from unity." A flattering comment by a student for his GR supervisor: "She's the only person in DAMTP who's a real person rather than an abstract machine for doing tripos questions. " A worrying thought from the same student: "Sex and drugs? They're nothing compared with a good proof!" A description of a lecturer: "G----'s a maniacal pixie!!!" A less polite description of a famous (and notorious) mathematician: "I personally think he's the greatest fraud since Cyril Burt!!" - any guesses ? Renormalisation holds no fears for this lecturer of Plasma Physics: "...and divergent integrals need really sleazy cutoffs." In the true style of Cambridge Maths Tripos we have the following: "Proof of Thm. 6.2 is trivial from Thm. 6.9" Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." And from various seminars in the King's College Research Centre: "...the non-uniqueness is exponentially small." "I'm not going to say exactly what I mean because I'm not absolutely certain myself." "It's dangerous to name your children until you know how many you are going to have." "You don't want to prove theorems that are false." And that last one wins the Sybil Fawlty Prize for "Stating the Bleeding Obvious". A slightly more honest version of "The student can easily see that..." : "If you play around with your fingers for a while, you'll see that's true." Suggestions are welcome on the meaning of this: "If it doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a orner." - Eh ? In a Complex Variables course a long, long, LONG time ago a lecturer wanted to swap the order of an integral and an infinite sum... "To do this we use a special theorem...the theorem that says that secretly this is an applied maths course." I never name my lecturers but he's now head of the Universities Grant Commission And a lot of universities would like to swap him for an infinite sum. >From an Algebra III lecturer : "If you want to prove it the simplest thing is to prove it." This year's Honesty Prize goes to the natural sciences supervisor, who replied to a question with "Don't ask me. I'm not a mathmo." And from Oxford... "This does have physical applications. In fact it's all tied up with strings." ******************************************************************************** 1988 Good heavens, do I see a lecturer actually noticing the existence of his audience! "Was that clear enough? Put up your hand if that wasn't clear enough. Ah, I thought not." Snobbery or what? "In the sort of parrot-like way you use to teach stats to biologists, this is expected minus observed." Also from statistics: "I too would like to know what a statistician actually does." "We're not doing mathematics; this is statistics." "You could define the subspace topology this way, if you were sufficiently malicious." "You mustn't be too rigid when doing Fluid mechanics." Talk about ulterior motives... "This handout is not produced for your erudition but merely so I can practice the TeX word-processor." >From 1A NatSci "Cells" course: " There are two proteins involved in DNA synthasis, they are called DNAsynthase 1 and DNAsynthase 3" >From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture: "Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see what I mean." >From an IBM Assembler lecture: "If you find bear droppings around your tent, it's fairly likely that there are bears in the area." A Biochemistry paper included an analysis of a previously undiscovered sugar named by the researchers "godnose" . >From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture: "This isn't true in practice - what we've missed out is Stradivarius's constant." And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor..." One from a 1A Engineering maths lecture : "Graphs of higher degree polynomials have this habit of doing unwanted wiggly things." "Apart from the extra line that's a one line proof." "This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left." A slight difficulty occured with geometry in an Engineering lecture one day: "This is the maximum power triangle." said a lecturer, pointing to a rectangle. This year the Computer Scientists seem to be in the running for the Honesty Award: "Sorry, I should have made that completely clear. This is a shambles." >From a Computer Sciences Protection lecture: "Who should be going to this lecture? Everyone...apart from the third year of the two-year CompSci course." "I don't want to go into this in detail, but I would like to illustrate some of the tedium." Oh those poor CompScis.... "I'm not going to get anything more useful done in this lecture, so I might as well talk." later followed by ... "Well there you are, one lecture with no useful content." Three from a NatSci Physics lecturer: " You don't have to copy that down -- there's no wisdom in it -- it only repeats what I said. " "We now wish to show that they are not merely equal but _the same thing_." "And before I leave this subject, I would like to tell you something interesting." >From a first year chemistry lecture some personal problems of the lecturer: " Before I started this morning's lecture I was going to tell you about my third divorce but on reflection I thought I'd better tell my wife first." >From a single research seminar at the King's College Research Centre: "I'm sure it's right whether it's valid or not." "WARNING: There is no reason to believe this will work." ----------------------------------------------------