*start* 16273 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 20 Aug 90 11:05:06 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 6.I From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- steven wright: Yesterday I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can't tell by looking at it. If I ever have a child i'm going to tell him he's a twin. I'm going to buy one of those twin strollers, too. i'll tell him, "you used to have a brother, but he didn't listen to me." ---------------------------------------------------- There were two kids in the Detroit area who broke into a Mom & Pop store, ate some candy, raided the cash register (chump change), then picked up one of those instant-print cameras and started taking pictures of each other. The prints came out with nothing on them. They used up nearly a whole "roll" but still didn't get any good photos. After filling their pockets with gum, candy, etc., they left the store. Police arrived at their respective front doors soon after the crime, with the fully developed pictures as evidence. ---------------------------------------------------- This Englishman walks in a salon of a small town somewhere in the wild west, and orders a drink. Suddenly, a gangster appears, shooting left & right and screams "all you scum bags, get out of here". The bar becomes empty in a second, save the Englishman, who calmly carries on to finish his drink. The gangster looks in the Englishman's direction; "Well?" He says. "Well", the Briton replies, "There were certainly quite a lot of them". ---------------------------------------------------- A Scotsman and his girlfriend are sitting on a hill, overlooking the moors, watching the sun set; breaking the silence, the girl asks the Scot, "a penny for your thought"? The Scot replies "I was jus' thinking how nice it wou' be if I could kiss yer". Happily, they kiss and again start gazing towards the sunset. Again, after a while, the girl breaks the silence and asks, "again, a penny for your thought"? The Scot replies, "I was jus' thinking, t'was time yer gave me the penny". ---------------------------------------------------- There was an ancient cult in India that worshiped the goddess Kali. They were a peaceful sort so they would gather each morning and sacrifice a watermelon by smashing it in front of the giant statue of the goddess. And of course they would all sing "Here's another melon Kali baby...." ---------------------------------------------------- /---\ ==O=O==// " Hitler was lucky he didn't meet the Ninja ( _____ ) Turtles... Germany would have been heavily \_____/ shelled. " ---------------------------------------------------- " A zoologist, while on expedition through the Black Forest of Germany, discovered a new species of turtle there. To his surprise, this turtle could even speak, but only in German, and its vocabulary was limited to 2 words. Each time the zoologist asked it a question, it would reply 'Ja' (German for 'Yes') or 'Nein' (German for 'No'). So the zoologist called it the 'Nein-Ja' turtle. " ---------------------------------------------------- Overheard two little boys talking: " My father's really proud of his priceless Raphael, Michaelangelo and Donatello collection... he paid millions of dollars for them. " " He's been had! I only paid less than $50 for my Ninja Turtles collection. " ---------------------------------------------------- A couple leaving the theatre. Lady: How did you like it dear? Man: It was a lot more entertaining than that Star Trek movie you took me to last year, It had a begining, a middle and an end. ---------------------------------------------------- A jew was just allowed to emigrate from the USSR and a newspaper reporter in NY was interviewing him: "What did you think of the food distribution in Russia?" "Oh, I couldn't complain." "What did you think of the govenment?" "Oh, I couldn't complain." "What did you think of the way they treated Jews?" "Oh, I couldn't complain." "If you had nothing to complain about in Russia, why did you emigrate?" "Here I *can* complain!" ---------------------------------------------------- Two orthodox jews walked past a catholic church, and they decide to peek in. Inside they see a row of women up in front taking the oaths to become nuns. One says, "Those women are becoming the brides of christ." The other replies, "Let's go in and have a look." They sneak inside quietly and plop down in a back pew, but with their earlocks, beards, and black suits they don't escape the eye of one of the ushers who comes back towards them in a huff. "What are you two doing in here????" "We're from the groom's side." ---------------------------------------------------- An answering machine was with a "Joe Friday" immitation: "This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you. ---------------------------------------------------- A door to door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in outback Australia. "This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor. The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says "If this machine doesn't remove it completely I'll lick it off myself" "Do you want Ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for electricity yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- How many real Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb: answer #1: none, real klingons see by phaser light. answer #3: none, real Klingons declare war on the humans and get them to do it. answer #4: unknown: real Klingons can't count (there's a hidden joke here) ---------------------------------------------------- In a Safeway in the aisle where they keep the toys there was a Freddie Krueger night-lights for sale. Goodnight, and sweet dreams! ---------------------------------------------------- The list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the supreme court), the list will be unavailable to the general public. If you are unhappy with this situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee. ---------------------------------------------------- How do you get out of a log cabin with no doors or windows? Only a mirror and a table are inside with you. Answer: You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and cut the table in half. Take the two halves and make a whole. Climb out the hole. ---------------------------------------------------- LION FOOD (lie'@n food) [IBM] n. Middle management or HQ staff (by extension, administrative drones in general). From an old joke about two lions who, escaping from the zoo, split up to increase their chances but agreed to meet after two months. When they do meet, one is skinny and the other overweight. The thin one says "How did you manage? I ate a human just once and they turned out a small army to chase me -- guns, nets, it was terrible. Since then I've been reduced to eating mice, insects, even grass." The fat one replies "Well, *I* hid near an IBM office and ate a manager a day. And nobody even noticed!" ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate? A: I'll have the burger and fries, please. ---------------------------------------------------- At a university, the agriculture department decided to ask some other departments for help in increasing the milk output of their cows. So they brought in a chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician. The chemist analyzed the cow's diet and its milk. He came up with a special diet that increased the milk output by 10%. The physicist performed his own experiments. He put the cow on an inclined plane, aligned its head with the earth's magnetic field, and fed it radioactive isotopes. The milk output increased 15%. The mathematician look at the cow for a minute, and then started scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. Ten minutes later he announced that he had come up with a way to increase the cow's milk output by 300%. The agriculture people were incredulous. They couldn't imagine how to produce four times the milk of an ordinary cow. The mathematician handed them the paper. The top line said, "Consider a spherical cow." ---------------------------------------------------- Proof that Horses have an infinite number of legs: (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. ---------------------------------------------------- This acctually happened about 15 years ago, when -- as a young lecturer -- I was asked to give a course on Foundations of Analysis. I was sure at the time that the students already know the subject matter and they will be wasting their time listening to me. I was quite surprized, when I entered the classroom for the first lecture, to find a room packed with students. I was going to suggest that those who know the subject matter leave the course, so as not to waste time and energy. I therefore asked the following question: "Has any one of you, by chance, read the book of Landau: Foundations of Analysis?" The class suddenly became very quiet, until a student from the last row said: "I did not read the book, but I saw the movie." Weeks later we were laughing, trying to imagin to ourselves how a movie on Foundation of Analysis could look like. ---------------------------------------------------- In the computer industry, there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you recognize a DEC field circus engineer with a flat tire? A: He's swapping tires to see which one is flat. Q: How can you recognize a DEC field circus engineer who is out of gas? A: He's swapping tires to see which one is flat. ---------------------------------------------------- Yeah, I heard that the Cray 5 was so fast, it takes TWO halt instructions to terminate a program! ---------------------------------------------------- From: mcolan@ldbvax.dnet.lotus.com (mark colan, apd, x7562) Subject: (Forwarded) Bite The Wax Tadpole (From Matthew Christian, Lotus) The phrase "bite the wax tadpole" has been surfacing in conversations lately so I decided to play junior detective and find its origin. I had a dim memory that the words "CocaCola", when spoken in some Asian tongue, meant the phrase in question. Fortunately CocaCola has a consumer hotline at (800) 438-2653. I spoke with Phillipe Jefferson who gave me the official word on MagicCans (only 200,000 were distributed, but many are still out there) and wax tadpoles (it's true). The language is Chinese. The phoenems have multiple meanings which are determined by context. Out of context they can be construed many amusing ways. Coke's official translation of "CocaCola" is "To allow the mouth to be able to rejoyce". They really got lucky with that one. Other possibilities are "female horse fattened with wax" and "bite the wax tadpole". These cross-cultural distortions were first recognised in the 1920s when Coke began crossing the borders. The truth is out. We can all sleep soundly knowing that even though we "can't beat the real thing", we can at least "bite the wax tadpole". ---------------------------------------------------- The actual origins of the Annual Adolph Eichmann's Evil Cake Contest are probably better off lost in the hall-closet of history, but the legend remains. The contest was born out of a student paper on Hannah Arendt which was submitted as an assignment in The Schoolhouse (a writing program). The only extant fragment of that immortal paper is part of its final sentence: "...but the icing on Adolph Eichmann's evil cake was..." which spawned a tradition of writing unknown to man before its time, and which has been reverently memorialized by an annual event. Excerpts from this year's contest entries rate no more introduction: "In short, Socrates seems to be the philosophical napkin with which the ensuing cultural thinkers of history wipe their mouths of pedantic ooze." "The Syracusans defeated the Athenians on their own turf, the sea." "Like raisins in a bread pudding, the moments lie within the body of Henry." "As a domestic animal, Othello is a child." "Morality is ubiquitous in everything that is good or bad." "Why should someone be penalized because he has studied diligently and deciduously in high school." "`Tyranny of the majority' as a dangerous and omnipotent force is still a dangerous issue - we see it manifest itself in our culture in such things as florescent biker shorts and Motley Crue." "In the upcoming times of cutbacks, the defense industry can turn to making stimulation devices." "Today, the world is teetering on the brink of nuclear Agamemnon." "But when the chips are down, women hold the reins." ---------------------------------------------------- BUSH: Watch my nose: no new taxes. QUAYLE: Er ... Mr President ... That's meant to be "Watch my lips". BUSH: No, Dan. If they watch my lips, they'll see that I'm lying through my teeth. Watch my nose, no new taxes. QUAYLE: Er ... Mr President ... Your nose ... It's getting longer! ---------------------------------------------------- Original collator is Bob Dowling, RJD4@UK.AC.CAMBRIDGE.PHOENIX: An introduction to the summation convention: "If you've got a problem with this then go back, write the whole thing out using sigma notation and convince yourself that it's better not to have problems." And from the University of Bath... "A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number in both. " Meanwhile, back in Cambridge... "This is known as the 'Toytown solution'. Actually, there is a more technical term for it ..." >From substitute lecturer, replacing the scheduled appearance by Dr. X: "Good morning. For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X; I am Dr. X's representative on Earth." "The object of this lecture is to frighten half of you away." "I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't work either." "This is obvious. But don't look at it too carefully, or it becomes unobvious, until you look at it for a long time when it becomes obvious again." "I need two hands to wave, not just one." A good enough philosophy of life: "Theoretical physicists tend to assume that Nature isn't as malevolent as our pure mathematical examiners." "Different may mean the same." Picture this... "A sphere isn't that simple when you get into higher dimensions - it's a bit non-flat." "Various people with suicidal tendencies can even integrate elliptic functions" Said of Algebra III: "This course could be viewed as 1001 things to do with your favourite matrix" And if that wasn't confusing enough... "I thought I understood Newton's Third Law before that lecture." Letter from an editor: "I very much regret to inform you that the review procedure of your paper 'Approximation of Delay systems by Fourier-Laguerre series', is incurring a delay..." *start* 17517 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 29 Aug 90 15:17:41 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.J From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- " ." -- Harpo Marx A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. A good reputation is more valuable than money. Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease. Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes, nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers Californians are not without their faults. Down with ignurance! He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened. Hello? Jim Rockford's machine? This is Larry Dooheany's machine. Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello? You the party that lost a wallet in the Park Theater? Well, I'll be returning the money, but I'm kinda into leather, so I'm gonna keep the wallet. I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged. If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you. If you treat people right, they will treat you right; 90 per cent of the time. Information is the inverse of entropy. It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. It is smart to pick your friends--but not to pieces. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. Knowledge without common sense is folly. Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. Many receive advice, few profit by it. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. My foolish parents taught me to read and write. Never argue with a woman when she's tired--or rested. Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!" Nihilism doesn't exist. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Nothing astonishes man so much as common sense and plain dealing. Nothing endures but change. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Only a fool has no doubts. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings. P-K4. People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none. Practice yourself what you preach. Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience. Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has. Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Statistics are no substitute for judgement. Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not illumination. Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government. The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had been obliged to first learn Latin. The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. The life which is unexamined is not worth living. The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. The only rose without thorns is friendship. The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home. The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. The time is right to make new friends. The universe is all a spinoff of the Big Bang. The world isn't worse. Its just that the news coverage is so much better. There is life after death: in Cleveland, people are still allowed to vote. There is only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. To do nothing is to be nothing. To give happiness is to deserve happiness. True happiness will be found only in true love. Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. UFOs are real. The Air Force doesn't exist. Under every stone lurks a politician. We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering. We secure our friends not by accepting favors, but by doing them. Well begun is half done. When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose. While there's life, there's hope. Why are there no blue M&Ms? Why do we study poverty instead of wealth? Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. You are in a maze of twisty little programs, all alike. You are tricky, but never to the point of dishonesty. You cannot use your friends and have them too. You should hardly ever equivocate. You will spend the rest of your life in the future. Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue. ---------------------------------------------------- If you save one life, it is as if you saved the world. Its a good idea not to live your life just to please others. You don't please yourself and you end up not pleasing anyone else. But if you please yourself, maybe you'll please someone else--Groucho Marx Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him--Groucho Marx Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps themselves--Groucho Marx The clergy, by getting themselves established by law and ingrafted into the machinery of government, have been a very formidable engine against the civil and religious rights of man--Thomas Jefferson We have no right to prejudice another in his civil enjoyments because he is not of another church. If any man errs from the right way, it is his own misfortune, no injury to thee; nor therefore art thou to punish him in the things of this life because thou supposeth he will be miserable in that which is to come-- on the contrary, according to the spirit of the gospel, charity, bounty, liberality is due to him--Thomas Jefferson There's only one answer to an audience. If they don't laugh, take it out and try another one. If it gets a laugh, leave it in. If you keep talking long enough, you say something funny--Groucho Marx One day a mule inspired us to horse around. We started insulting the audience and they laughed--Groucho Marx If you have a lot of lucky breaks, it isn't just an accident--Groucho Marx Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation--Walter Winchell Television is a medium--so called because it is neither rare nor well done--Ernie Kovacs You can bet that a waitress in a Texas diner is tired of hearing the line, "Remember the a la mode." A still tongue makes a happy life--The Prisoner The best way to win an argument is to be right. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there--Will Rogers Perhaps we cannot prevent this world from being a world in which children are tortured. But we can reduce the number of tortured children--Albert Camus You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough--Edgar Watson Howe Tell me whom you love and I will tell you what you are--Arsene Houssaye The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother--Reverend Theodore Hesburgh No man ever said on his deathbed, "I wish I had spent more time on my business"--Senator Paul Tsongas How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth--Sherlock Holmes As scarce as the truth is, the supply is always greater than the demand--Josh Billings Keep doing good deeds long enough, and you'll probably turn out a good man. In spite of yourself--Louis Auchincloss We judge ourselves by our motives and others by their actions--Dwight Morrow It is tempting to deny the existence of evil, since denying it obviates the need to fight it--Alexis Carrel It would be nice if sometimes the kind things I say were considered worthy of quotation. It isn't difficult, you know, to be witty or amusing when one has something to say that is destructive, but damned hard to be clever and quotable when you are singing someone's praises--Noel Coward If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be without it?--Benjamin Franklin Prayer does not change G-d, but it changes him who prays--Soren Kierkegaard To test the worth of a man's religion, do business with him--John Lancaster Spalding G-d did not build Auschwitz and its crematoria. Men did....The Holocaust may make faith in G-d difficult, but it makes faith in man impossible--Dennis Prager and Joseph Telushkin Nature is neutral. Man has wrested from nature the power to make the world a desert or to make the deserts bloom. There is no evil in the atom; only in men's souls--Adlai Stevenson Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will--Jawaharlal Nehru A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it, is committing a second mistake--Confucius We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because it is more comfortable--Alexander Solzhenitsyn If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are--Montesquieu We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it--George Bernard Shaw Ours seems to be the only nation on earth that asks its teenagers what to do about world affairs, and tells its golden-agers to go out and play--Julian Grow The man who is too old to learn was probably always too old to learn--Henry Haskins If I had any epitaph...it would be to say that I disturbed the sleep of my generation--Adlai Stevenson Suicide is not abominable because G-d forbids it. G-d forbids it because it is abominable--Immanuel Kant There are many people who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors would say--Cyril Connolly Who is rich? One who is happy with what he has--Talmud Many men hoard for the future husbands of their wives--Solomon Ibn Gabirol Told that a certain man had acquired great wealth, a sage asked, "Has he also acquired the days in which to spend it?"--Solomon Ibn Gabirol If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that it values more, it will lose that, too--W Somerset Maugham Democracy [has] at least one merit, namely that a Member of Parliament cannot be stupider than his constituents, for the more stupid he is, the more stupid they were to elect him--Bertrand Russell Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary--Reinhold Niebuhr Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor--James Russell Lowell There is an increased demand for codes of ethics in politics, although most officeholders are sworn in with their hand resting on one--Bill Vaughn The tragedy of politics: "If you live with pirates, you must behave like a pirate" (Bismark); but if you behave like a pirate, you end by becoming one yourself--Charles Issawi I would rather fail in a cause that someday will triumph than win in a cause that I know someday will fail--Woodrow Wilson The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning--Adlai Stevenson There are many men of principle in both parties in America, but there is no party of principle--Alexis de Tocqueville A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but to know what is right--Lyndon B Johnson When I was a boy, I was told that anyone could become President; now I'm beginning to believe it--Clarence Darrow I would rather be governed by the first 300 names in the Boston telephone book than by the faculty of Harvard University--William F Buckley, Jr In peace, sons bury their fathers; in war, fathers bury their sons--Herodotus Can anything be more ridiculous than that a man has a right to kill me because he lives on the other side of the water, and because his ruler has a quarrel with mine, although I have none with him?--Blaise Pascal The one thing I cannot forgive the Arabs for is that they forced our sons to kill their sons--Golda Meir I have given instructions that I am to be informed every time one of our soldiers is killed, even if it is the middle of the night. When President Nasser leaves instructions that he be awakened in the middle of the night if an Egyptian soldier is killed, there will be peace--Golda Meir Heretofore, all moral codes held that at times life must be sacrificed for the sake of morality. Pacifism holds the direct opposite: morality must be sacrificed for the sake of life--Dennis Prager Pacifism means biology takes precedence over morality: long lives are more valuable than good lives--Dennis Prager It is not true that we have only one life to live; if we read, we can live as many more lives and as many kinds as we wish--Senator S I Hayakawa When you reread a classic, you do not see more in the book than you did before; you see more in you than there was before--Clifton Fadiman If you want to know the character of a person you are meeting socially, it is more important to see how they act towards the waiter, whom they are not obliged to impress, than how they act towards you--Dennis Prager Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people--David Sarnoff One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man--Elbert Hubbard A man who says that no patriot should attack the war until it is over is not worth answering intelligently; he is saying that no good son should warn his mother off a cliff until she has fallen over it--G K Chesterton A dog run over by a car upsets our emotional balance....Three million Jews killed in Poland causes but a moderate uneasiness. Statistics don't bleed; it is the detail which counts--Arthur Koestler Fear not to negotiate, but never negotiate out of fear--John F Kennedy America is the only country where a letter informing you that you may have just won a million dollars could be considered junk mail. Most politicians don't listen to their conscience, because, after all, who wants to take advice from a total stranger? Determinism is the hand you are dealt; free will is what you do with that hand--quoted by Dennis Prager When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred--Thomas Jefferson He was a man who could be gentle without being weak and strong without being tough. That's extremely rare--William Wyler of Gary Cooper In short, and this is all wording up in a terrible admission for which I'll get a ton of coal dumped on my head--I just don't like motion pictures....I play in films for one thing only, money--Laurence Olivier He puts on film only the things he loves and has few pretentions about making great films or great art. Consequently, he comes closer than most--Francis Ford Coppola of George Lucas When I started out, I didn't have any desire to be an actress or learn how to act. I just wanted to be famous--Katherine Hepburn Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home--David Frost When one door closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us--Helen Keller Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished---Nancy Ellis, George Bush's sister Its been proven through history that women's a mystery says Popeye the Sailor man. It seemed to him that in addition to being beautiful, she brought out all that was best in him of intellect and soul. That is to say, she let him talk oftener and longer than any girl he had ever known--P G Wodehouse The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected--The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972 Why is it, everytime I see Dan Quayle, I feel like buying a vowel--Emo Phillips Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers--Socrates Society is a place where people live together; the lone wolf belongs in the wilderness--Number Two, the Prisoner Buy land. They've stopped making it--Mark Twain Religion isn't knowing the answers; it's knowing there are answers. People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children--Calvin and Hobbes Honesty is the best policy--there's less competition. It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 15990 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 14 Sep 90 15:10:10 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 6.K From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Bumper snicker: I've been sentenced to life on Earth ---------------------------------------------------- Have you heard the story about this man who held up a bank, and fainted before he could get away with the money. He was promptly taken to the hospital. Police later found that he could not have gotten away anyw!!?! ... he had left his keys inside the "getaway car" and locked himself out. ---------------------------------------------------- "`Today the city ... tomorrow the world!!' `Today the city, tomorrow the world? That means...' he did some rapid calculation: `on Friday the Universe! And that leaves the weekend free,' he thought." ---------------------------------------------------- In World War I Berlin, a man stands on a street corner shouting "The Kaiser is an idiot!" Immediately two members of the secret police appear out of nowhere and pounce on the poor dissenter, proceeding to arrest him for high treason. "But I was shouting about the Austrian kaiser, not our kaiser!" "You can't fool us! We know who the idiot is." ---------------------------------------------------- In Burbank, (CA), there is a tanning salon that advertises that it is *SOLAR POWERED* ---------------------------------------------------- Q: how many Clev. Brown players does it take to go ice fishing ? A: 6, two to cut a hole in the ice and four to push the boat through. Q: did you hear about the Clev. Brown Player who died raking leaves? A: He fell out of the tree. Q: how about they guy who died drinking milk? A: The cow fell on him. ---------------------------------------------------- Another reason to learn how to spell: Can't Spell Thomas Lee Jones, 24, was arrested last September for robbing a Santa Barbara restaurant with a note threatening "to shot" employees. Police set up a roadblock asking people to spell "shoot". They soon apprehended Jones. Can't Count In Cranston, R.I., Donald M. Thomas, 34, escaped in March after serving 89 days of a 90-day jail sentence for disorderly conduct and thus now faces up to 20 years in prison. Brain? Lawry Adams, 27, was arrested in Harrison, N.Y., in Jan. when he was stopped in a routine traffic check and could not produce a driver's license. He gave his brother's name (which he was unable to spell) and his brother's date of birth (but was not able to give the age that corresponds to it). ---------------------------------------------------- The Manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name." was the first thing that the Manager asked the New Guy. "John." the New Guy replied. The Manager scoweled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarty and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only: Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The New Guy sighed "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . " ---------------------------------------------------- This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York City. He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC. So he goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one way ticket. As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack. Three days later, he wakes up. He sees a nun standing at the end of the bed. She tells him that he was brought to a catholic hospital, where they operated on him and saved his life. She says that the hospital took the liberty of going through his belongings and, frankly, they were a bit worried as to whether he would be able to pay for the operation. He admits that this might be a problem. He explains how he is unemployed and had just spent his last few dollars on a train ticket. The nun asks, do you have any well-to-do relatives that might be able to pay your hospital bills for you? He replies that his only living relative is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia. The nun becomes furious. Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are married to GOD. Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law. ---------------------------------------------------- From Victor S. Schwartz: As Rochester's farewell gift to me (this is my final trip to Rochester prior to leaving Xerox on 8 August), I was presented with a citation last night for driving 54 miles per hour in a 40 mph zone. The police officer was very nice, and told me he was NOT going to give me a "Speeding Ticket", but would give me a citation for a "lesser offense", which would have a lower fine and would not affect my insurance rates. The offense cited? "Failure to observe traffic control sign", where the "traffic control sign" in question, the officer explained, was the posted speed limit of 40 mph! ---------------------------------------------------- >I have often wondered what the cutoff is for poor, middle, upper middle, >and rich classes. Does anybody have some dollar income figures for these >classes? In otherwords, how much money does a person have to make a year >to be in each of these classes? A friend responded: A few years ago my (then) wife, a CPA, told me of a client of hers, an attorney making $95,000+ per year, who lost a dispute with the IRS over a few thousand dollars. The attorney's comment was "See--they always screw the little guy." I think the definition of these classes depends an awful lot on who the person is doing the defining! ---------------------------------------------------- Mediterranean mating call Los Angeles Times, July 23, 1990: After a year of living with Medflies and malathion in Southern California, there are people who wonder why the state has yet to unleash a powerful weapon against the pest -- the harmonica. As readers of the Farmer's Almanac know, the sound of the instrument's lower F-sharp imitates perfectly the mating call of the Mediterranean fruit fly, which will follow the sound to the ends of the earth -- or at least out of Los Angeles county. ---------------------------------------------------- The following question and answer appeared in the "Ask the Globe" section of the Boston Globe on Friday, July 6, 1990. Q. An obscure legal document states that Lake Webster in the south-central Massachusetts town of Webster is "also known as Lake Chargoggagoggmanchaugagoggchaubunagungamaug." Is this true and, if so, what does it mean? A. 'Tis true. According to the Encyclopedia of New England, the word -- of Algonquin Indian origin -- roughly translates to "You fish on your side, I fish on my side, and nobody fish in the middle." ---------------------------------------------------- From a message in Risks Digest 10.06, concerning the Advanced Tactical Fighter: (ATF is a highly automated plane that will eventually -- one is told -- house the Pilot's Assistant, an AI package that can fly, land, and fight the plane under every circumstance. Right. Anyway...) The ATF has two cockpits. In the front one is a man. In the back one is a dog. The responsibility of the man is to turn around periodically and feed the dog. The responsibility of the dog is to bite the man if he ever tries to touch any of the controls. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Borland Upgrade Order (funny) From: Wayne Nichols:Wbst897AI:xerox Several weeks ago, I sent in the upgrade offer to receive the new Turbo C++ compiler for $125. Yesterday (7/24), my wife called to tell me that a very long UPS truck had parked in front of our house, and the UPS driver wanted to know where to put the ** 7 pallets ** of stuff that I had ordered. The total shipment was approx. 7000 pounds! I asked to see the packing list, and Borland had shipped me ** 691 ** copies of the Turbo C++ upgrade!! The invoice total was ** $93,290 ** -- not bad for a credit card order! Needless to say, I refused the shipment. Then I called Borland's Customer Support and told them that I had placed an order, but didn't receive what I had asked for. After checking the order, she immediately understood why. The situation was quickly resolved to my satisfaction. Probable cause? 'Data entry error'. But $93,290 on a credit card?? 691 units to a residential address?? I'm sure glad one of the kids hadn't answered the door. I can just imagine it: 'Sign right where? OK. I guess you can put it the back, in front of the garage ...' ---------------------------------------------------- From an Internet newsgroup, we read the following report: Voyager Mission Status Report May 2, 1990 On April 17, Attitude and Articulation Control Subsystem (AACS), Computer Command Subsystem (CCS), and Flight Data Subsystem (FDS) memory readouts and a playback of PWS and Imaging Science (ISS) data were per- formed. (The ISS data consisted of the "family portrait" images lost due to rain during the March 23 playback.) Due to a maser failure at the 70 meter ^^^^ antenna in Spain (DSS-63),[...] ^^^^^ The rain in Spain affects mainly antenna gain...? ---------------------------------------------------- How Many Xeroids Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb... 1 to change the bulb 4 to handle the T&M billing for the change 3 to handle the FSMA billing for the change 15 to resolve the the T&M and FSMA billings 3 to get tracings of the old and new bulbs 2 to tell you they will contact Dallas for an answer 2 to tell you you have to ship the bulb to El Segundo 4 to tell you you will have to contact El Segundo for an answer 1 to tell you that filaments are scheduled for Release 5.0 2 to tell you that Release 5.0 has slipped another quarter 0 to tell you filaments have been slipped to Release 6.0 6 to offer to let you beta-test an early version of the pre-filaments 1 to tell you the release version is completely different from the beta-test version 1 to tell you it's too late to call El Segundo to resolve the problem 3 to tell you it will be resolved in a maintenence release All to tell you it is no longer their responsibility under the new reorganization 3 to tell you they can't get someone out of Reading/Jackson until at least Thursday (a week) 1 to tell you the current socket is ~not~ compatible with the current release 6 to tell you that bulbs purchased two releases ago are no longer compatible 3 to tell you to use socket cleaning kits at least once a week 2 to tell you to run socket check which will require 14 hours of dark time 18 to tell you to use your customer socket configuration bulb 3 to tell you to call the Light Support Center (LSC) 17 to ~not~ answer the phones and operate the hold music at the LSC 3 to throw darts at the LSC answer dart board to provide the answer to the problem you called them about 17 to collect the serial number for the bulb you are calling the LSC about 0 to track the problems by serial number 4 to tell you that this kind of bulb is ~not~ compatible with European versions 6 to tell you if you want 50 watts you can daisy-chain two 25 watts together, but you can only use 25 watts at a time 17 to ~not~ document the changes between the releases of the lightware 25 to tell you the bulb is bright enough although they personally use candles at home 3 to tell you the socket will ~not~ work with non-Xerox bulbs 4 to tell you the trade-in for sockets to upgrade from 25 watts to 50 watts is very small and there is no trade-in on the old bulb 3 to tell you the bulb expansion adaptor requires a factory installed upgrade which is ~not~ covered under the maintenance agreement 7 to tell you the Bulb Interface Board (BIB) will not work with a dimmer switch, but will work with the normal switches 4 to tell you it's a bulb problem, and their responsibility is only for sockets 4 to tell you it's a socket problem, and their responsibility is only for bulbs 1 to accidently partition the new bulb, thereby destroying it's filament 6 to tell you the secret bulb installation password (which incidently is "BLUBTHGIL") 3 to tell you bulb installation must be done by a Light Support Rep (LSR) and that you are not permitted to use the secret password 2 Light Support Reps who never heard of passwords or lightbulbs 6 to tell you there are bad sectors on the bulb and only the LSR can enter the bad sectors 3 to tell you the bulb check file, which is inside the bulb check file, which is inside the bulb check file, was a result of a problem no one has ever heard of before and there is no way the Lightware could have ever caused a problem like this 10 recordings to tell you that the Light Support Center in Dallas is closed except between the hours of 10:00 am and 2:00 pm Alaska Time, on the fifth Tuesday of every alternate month which has fewer than 29 days 126 competant Xeroids who quit Xerox during the regular quarterly RIF 214 incompetant Xeroids who didn't quit Xerox during the regular quarterly RIF 4 to tell you that your bulb failed because you didn't run a nightly backup to another bulb 7 to tell you that single-bulb backup could take up to fourteen backup bulbs because of too-tight constraints on the backup bulb. However, the problem will be fixed in a maintenence release sometime after Release 6.0 and would we be interested in Beta-Testing the new bulb backup? 1 to lead the Xerox sing-along at the next semi-annual LEDGE (Lightly Educated Dummies Groping for Elucidation) meeting ... Which all goes to prove that Xerox can really socket it to you ... ---------------------------------------------------- -Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldiers in a Chuck Norris film : 4 -Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White : 3506 -Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8 In politicians : 7 - Number of chemical elements in the universe : 104 In a glass of New Yersey tap water : 98 - Number of "Yuppie-dramas" now being developed by the 3 major networks : thirtysomething - Number of days into baseball season before Cleveland Indians are written off as pennant contendors : 5 - Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski lope : 17 On Tammy Bakker : 1/4 - Salary of the average Pro Wrestler : $47,500 /yr. If Pro Wrestling didn't exist : $3,35/hr. - Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney : 2,000,000 Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney : 23,000,000 - Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad say " 30 mph,city" : 23 - Number of people who aren't doctors, but play them on TV : 57 Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals : 5,840 - Number of people in the history of air travel who have been able to get a $99 Maxsaver fare to coast : 2 Restrictions for that fare : 237 - Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code : 11% Percentage of accountants who understand it : 9% Percentage of IRS employees who understand it : 6% - Number of people who work for the government : about half - Number of Americans who believe any of the statistics on this page are accurate : 2,478,644 Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy : 2,478,644 *start* 16939 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 27 Sep 90 18:12:16 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 6.L From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- The Right wants to run your life according to tradition. The Left wants to run your life according to their dreams of a perfect society. Wouldn't you rather just run your own life? ---------------------------------------------------- A new Steve Wright: I have masking tape across my mirrors so I don't get sucked into an alternate dimension. ---------------------------------------------------- Kuwait is between Iraq and a hard place ---------------------------------------------------- Every faithful Muslim is supposed to make the trip to Mecca, in the depths of Saudi Arabia, once in their lifetime. The only problem is that this year all the Iraqis have decided to go at once. ---------------------------------------------------- How many Iraqis does it take to change a lightbulb? 250,000. 249,999 to overrun and annex the country it's in and one to pull the strings of the puppet that changes the bulb. ---------------------------------------------------- I'm certain my ears were not deceiving me. Last night on the ABC evening news I distinctly heard Peter Jennings say Sadam Hussein was mad because George Bush, in a speech the previous day, had called him a "lawyer". ---------------------------------------------------- Early this morning, Iraq announced that they don't like the word "detainees" and that the foreigners in Iraq are "guests of the Iraqi government." We've seen how they treat their neighbors, makes you wonder how they'll treat their guests... ---------------------------------------------------- Well, Sadaam Hussein has started separating the hostages, 'er "guests," by profession. He says that he is holding almost 100 lawyers, and will start releasing one laywer each day until the US pulls out of Saudi Arabia! ---------------------------------------------------- (From a political cartoon in the Sunday (London) Times:) -A drawing of an Iraqi tank on maneuvers along the Saudi border. On the tank is a sign seen often on American family cars: "Baby on Board" ---------------------------------------------------- Next week's cover showed a picture of Saddam Hussein stroking a hostage boy's hair and saying: "What do you want to be if you grow up?" ---------------------------------------------------- Sadaam Hussein assumed the Presidency of Iraq by killing his predecessor. His predecessor did the same. Obviously in Iraq they have a "one bullet, one vote" system. ---------------------------------------------------- Top 10 reasons Sadam Hussein attacked Kuwait, from Late Night with David Letterman: 10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN. 9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines. 8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger. 7. Heard they were bootlegging SImpsons T-shirts. 6. To impress Jodie Foster. 5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration dates. 4. Heard rumor that Jessica McClure was trapped in a well in Kuwait City. 3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the moon. 2. Yeah. Like a middle East madman need an excuse to invade somebody. And the No. 1 reason Sadam Hussein attacked Kuwait ... 1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the border. ---------------------------------------------------- The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices: 10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices. 9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming. 8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that. 7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice. 6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us. 5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's. 4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee. 3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast. 2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time. 1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather ---------------------------------------------------- [ on KLRU, the PBS station here in the valley, a Kuwaiti student was explaining how a good portion of the people of Kuwait are on vacation this time of year, (A good thing considering the temperature) and they are worried that they will not be able to go home. I can just see ol' Hussein the day before the invasion... ] ... ... ... ... ``Hello, You've reached the Kuwait national answering machine. Since it was 130 deg. in the shade, and we're all millionaires, we decided to all go on vacation for the month of July. Please leave your message at the tone. ``Hello, er, I hate these things, er, this is Saddam Hussein... I have massed my military on your border and if you don't...'' ... ---------------------------------------------------- " Never trust a computer you can't lift. " - Stan Mazor ---------------------------------------------------- The Winchester, MA Town Directory's entry for the "League of Women Voters" is listed instead as the "League of Women Vultures." ---------------------------------------------------- A sign: "This might just be that one in ten billion chance that the molecules of your body align perfectly with those of this door, and you will be able to walk right through it. Go ahead, try it!" ---------------------------------------------------- So what did you say? Speaking of signs, the San Jose Library commissioned a sign proclaiming "Welcome!" in ~42 languages (this is ~two years ago). The sign was painted and hung outside the library, all 30-50 feet of it, and a gardener came in to the library and wanted to talk to someone about it, but wouldn't say what the prob was. (He was Filipino(?)). Seems the Tagalog version did not say "Welcome!". Instead, it proclaimed "Circumcise!", and he was too embarassed to say this in front of the (predominantly) female library staff. They found out that four or five of the greetings were incorrect... ---------------------------------------------------- for all those interested in graffiti there is a book called "Graffiti" by Nigel Rees (Unwin Paperbacks, London,..4 Vol!)..its a collection of Graffiti by the author from all over the world some of the better ones from the book... " In Iran though drugs are banned u can always get stoned!" " Drink wet cement & get stoned " " The grave of Karl Marx is a communist plot" " Make ur Senators work ..Don't reelect them!" " Support British Steel...smelt the Iron Lady!" " Education kills by degrees.." ---------------------------------------------------- Maybe 10 years ago the B&O railroad decided to repaint their RR bridge here in Newark, DE. It had been covered with *many* messages by the local residents. Shortly after the new dull green paint job someone with a sense of humor decided it needed to be "decorated." He/She took white paint and, in big letters, wrote "LIONEL" (you know, the company that makes the toy trains) on the bridge. The locals thought it was clever and no additional "decoration" was done. It even got a write-up in the Philadelphia paper (Delaware section). Unfortunately for evenone, B&O was not amused. They came back and repainted the bridge again. And this time it was quickly covered with the standard "Jim loves Joan" messages. Sigh! ---------------------------------------------------- VMS is like a Soviet railroad train. It's basically industrial-strength, but when you look at it closely, everything's a little more shabby than you might like. It gets the job done, but there's no grace to it. The Mac operating system is like the monorail at Disney World. It's kind of spectacular and fun, but it doesn't go much of anywhere. Still, the kids like it. Unix is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country. The ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer no protection from the weather and leak like sieves. Every monsoon season a couple of them capsize and drown all the passengers, but people still line up for them and crowd aboard. ---------------------------------------------------- In Russia, why does going to the dentist usualy involove a major operation? The dentist has to go in through your ear. ---------------------------------------------------- These excerpts are from The Jokes on Texas collected by John Randolph. First Edition, First Printing copywrite 1954. ================================ Texas once had forty-five million acres of public domain, much of which was granted to early settlers. Some of it was granted right back to the state, and sometimes with a note of explanation. One German settler wrote, "De rain, it is all vind and de vind, it is all sand." Another more eloquently wrote the land office, "Forty miles to water, twelve miles to wood, six inches to Hell. Gone to live with my wife's folks." ================================ Slim walked into the local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall. Letter by letter he made it out: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA. "Gosh," he said, "if that job was only in TEXAS I'd take it." ================================ Old Uncle Joad up in East Texas had a cood dog of which he was mighty proud. The old man earned his living making coonskin caps to order. When he got an order for a size 7 1/4, he had a board just the right length which he put on the floor. His dog would walk around it, sniffing, then take off to the woods and come home with a coon just the right size. Uncle Joad had boards for every size. It was an efficient way to operate busi- ness. One day a neighbor saw him sitting on the porch looking mighty sad. He was oiling up his old gun, which he hadn't used in years. "What's the matter, Joad?" inquired his neighbor. "Whatcha oilin' your gun for? Whar's your dog?" "Well," said Joad, "guess I'm gonna have to do my own huntin' from now on. You know how that old dog used to bring in coons just the size of the boards I laid down on the floor? Well, somebody knocked the ironin' board down on the floor last week and we ain't seen that old dog since." ================================ Been so dry that we got catfish in the creek three years old that haven't learned to swim yet! ================================ Gent from Kentucky: We've got enough gold in Fort Knox to build a solid gold fence all around Texas ten feet high and four feet thick! Texan: Well, stranger, go ahead and build it. If I like it, I'll buy it. ---------------------------------------------------- Remember the story from rec.humor.funny last year about the BSD daemon shirt (from the book) that got one of our local residents into so much trouble? Some locals thought it nasty that someone should portray demons as cute, and the wearer of the shirt made it worse when she explained that they came from Berkeley in California and had originally been sponsored by DARPA. It's a classic and true story that should go down in both Texan and USENIX lore books. ---------------------------------------------------- I hear that there is a curio shop near Austin which actually sells Aggie devices.. like a cup with the handle in inside.. an Aggie weather predicting gadget..which is nothing but a piece of rock..Aggie leaves the rock outside his window in the night..gets up in the morning ..feels the rock..if its wet it probably rained during the night ..if it isn't then it didn't! ---------------------------------------------------- Honk if I'm an Aggie ---------------------------------------------------- Along similar lines: A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta. It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building. He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?" The person responds "In an airplane!" The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at Atlanta International. As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use." "Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the IBM building." ---------------------------------------------------- i was riding my motorcycle up I-5 from san diego and got pulled for speeding... for a couple of years (2 i think) the feds required that motocycle speedometers only went to 85... the conversation went like this: CHP: sir, do you know how fast you were going? me: no officer, my federally mandated speedometer only goes to 85... when the officer quit laughing he wrote me up for 70... ---------------------------------------------------- At a SAR conference at Camp Philmont some years back, we were eating lunch with some of the District 2 State Police, and, as per, they started telling war stories. Andy told about a fellow he pulled over for some sort of mov- ing violation who was extremely huffy. After he signed the ticket, he said, "Well, as long as you've got me here, why don't you go ahead and write me up for something else. That'll save you the trouble of pulling me over again." Andy raised his eyebrows, and said, "Okay." He cited the fellow for something that was wrong with his car. The guy said, "All right. Why don't you write me another?" Some people are stubborn to the point of validating Social Darwinism. Before this fellow finally shut up and let Andy finish the job, he had eleven (11 - count them!) citations on the seat beside him, four of them moving violations! Andy ran into this fellow a month or so later at the County Courthouse. The guy said something like, "You know, the last time I saw you, my mouth sure cost me a lot of money." Andy observed to us that there's always something you can cite someone for if you really want to. Remember that; think it over before you tease a cop. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard about a cop who pulled someone over for speeding. The driver was being overly mouthy, and succeeded in ticking the officer off. The officer asked for the drivers liscence, and proceeded to eat it. He then wrote the driver citation for driving without a liscense. When the case came up the court, the driver claimed that the officer had EATEN his liscense. The officer merely replied: "The drivers statement speaks for itself" ---------------------------------------------------- Los Angeles Times, September 5: In Venice, California, a policeman was about to ticket a green Corvette in a parking lot for having expired license tags when a voice said, "Warning! You are standing too close to the vehicle. Step back!" It was the car's proximity-activated audio-alarm system speaking. "I'm sorry," replied the officer as he slipped the citation under a windshield wiper. ---------------------------------------------------- Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip Average Iraqi Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius Average American Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein *start* 15037 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 8 Oct 90 18:19:59 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 6.M From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- SEND YOUR CHILD TO MED SCHOOL AND SUPPORT THE LAW PROFESSION ---------------------------------------------------- I'm proud of how many kids I've put through college..... We have my dentist's kids, and of course my lawyer's kids.... ---------------------------------------------------- Max Falstein describing the Australian Parliament:- This must be the only asylum in the world where the inmates are in charge! ---------------------------------------------------- My neighborhood is so tough... last week I was held up by a guy with a bitten-off shotgun. ---------------------------------------------------- No doubt you've heard the Navy joke that there are only two kinds of ships: Submarines and Targets. ---------------------------------------------------- Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. ---------------------------------------------------- "On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away." --Tom Lehrer, 4/4/90 ---------------------------------------------------- Tom Lehrer: "By the time Mozart was my age, he.... ...had been dead for two years." ---------------------------------------------------- My wife saw these in the current _Business and Finance_ so maybe they're not that new. (USA readers substitute `Yugo' for `Lada')... Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual? A. The bus and train timetables. Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill? A. A bloody miracle. ---------------------------------------------------- A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you." "No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. "Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it ?" "No way ! Now leave me alone !" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you say to that ?" The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window. "Look, I don't care what you promise me Dad, I'm NOT riding in your Lada !" ---------------------------------------------------- A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lie's and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS. "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest". ---------------------------------------------------- Ziggy's of Hudson, a restaurant on Lowell road, Hudson, NH, has a large message board in front. The latest message had been: "temperature inside" "68 degrees" -------------------- after the fire destroyed their kitchen early this week, the message now reads: "temperature inside" "860 degrees" ---------------------------------------------------- Tom and Jack are on an expedition to the center of Africa, when they are suddenly surrounded by a group of small, painted, evil-looking natives. Tom says, "We have nothing to fear. See me get us out of this one!" So he approaches the one that is wearing the fancy feathers - obviously the chief, and, reaching into his poscket, pulls out a bic lighter. He makes sure that he has the chief's undivided attention and "flicks" it on. Well, the chief is suprised! He turns to one of the elders and says, "Look at that! It lit the first time!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. (Aesop) ---------------------------------------------------- One of my favorite stories comes from when I was the assitant manager at a computer lab at school. I got a call from a secratary upstairs who said that she couldn't get a file off a floppy disk which had an important report on it. Well, I went upstairs to try to figure out what was wrong. Sure enough the floppy was bad. I asked her a number of questions to try to figure out what had happened. After a bit I found the source of the problem. She had stapled the floppy to the report when she had handed it in! I was very proud of myself that I didn't bust up laughing until I got out of the room. ---------------------------------------------------- Floating around at CRAY Reasearch: Minn. (UPI) - Analysts for the long-awaited, and much-heralded CRAY-7 SuperSuperSuperComputer met today in Minneapolis to discuss telecommunica- tion issues for the new machine. The CRAY-7, scheduled for delivery early next year, features a 6.5 psec(picosecond) cycle time on each of its 4096 processors, which share a 64 Kbank memory, each bank to hold 256 Gigawords of 128 bits each. CRAY Research has announced that the CRAY-7 will be cooled by submerging the entire 2.4 cubic inch spherical mainframe in the ice-moon Io, off the southern coast of Saturn. When operational under the MULTI-CUE(TM) Operating System, the CRAY-7 will simultaneously support interactive access for every man woman and child on Earth with guaranteed response time of 14.5 msec(microsecond) or better, while running real work on its 4094 background processors. Power for the new system will be ob- tained by running a drop cord from Io to well in- side the orbit of Mercury, where the intensity if the Solar flares can be converted to HyperElectri- city. The Rings of Saturn will act as a secondary storage device (a.k.a. Rotating Mass Storage) for the CRAY-7. It is reported that much of the CRAY-7 CPU- time will be devoted to the design of the CRAY-10. ---------------------------------------------------- Al : Before we eat lets bless this food. Sam, would you like to say grace for us ? Sam : Sure thing Al. [ momentary pause ] Grace. Al : Ahmen. ---------------------------------------------------- How to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses: My solution: A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of _The Watchtower_ scattered around... ---------------------------------------------------- >"Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say 'Allah be >Praised!!!' and just see what happens." Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to Witnesses. For extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car. Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the witness. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years. ---------------------------------------------------- The young couple came to my door. I was wearing my robe, and had just awakened. now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I have hair all over everywhere. I made my eyes real piercing, and stared past them. I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in their getup and their bland faces. Well the female one obviously is supposed to do the introduction because she sort of panicked, and said: "We're...we're...we're..we're....we're...." And then she staired helplessly at the other one and he said: "uh... uh.... uh... uh..." I then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture between peter lore and lurch, I said: I...WILL...TAKE...YOUR...LITERATURE...AND...GIVE...IT...TO...MY...MASTER. The male one quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were peddling. they did not ask for a donation. They ran. it's a true story, and they never came back. ---------------------------------------------------- A FOAF claims that when Jehovah's Witlesses knock on her door, her first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So far, none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM! ---------------------------------------------------- JW ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow. Interrupts SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you wouldn't do that. SIW: Thank you, but I already have a religion. JW: May I ask what it is? SIW: I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure if it's legal in this country. Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the stairs. ---------------------------------------------------- A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about God?" She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?". I like it. ---------------------------------------------------- A father and son were in deep discussion about the origin of mankind. Son: "Our teacher says we are from gurilla's race." Father (denyingly responds): "Well, you might be (from the gurillas' race). But I am NOT." ---------------------------------------------------- In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! ---------------------------------------------------- "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." ---------------------------------------------------- [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.] You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.] ---------------------------------------------------- "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity." ---------------------------------------------------- The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it. ----- 1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. 2> Yeah, nobody but us machines! 1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... 2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message! 1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. 2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! ---------------------------------------------------- They say I am wishy washy but I can't decide if they're right. They say I am violent, but they won't be saying anything again. They say I'm opinionated, but they're always wrong. They say I'm tall but no one ever says it looking me in the eye. They say I'm a dwarf but that is over my head. They say I'm fat but I can't see the scale to tell. They say I'm something, but I can't remember what. They say I drive too fast, but no one has ever been able to give me a ticket. They say I drive slow, but the truck in back keeps pushing me faster. They say I'm a bad driver, but no one ever lived to tell otherwise. They say my car gets bad mileage, but I can't leave the gas station long enough to find out. Thay sa iumm e bat spaler bit thay donut no wet wurds eyed doon wrung. They say I'm wealthy but I can't afford the time to find out. They say I'm poor, but I can't afford a pencil to add it up with. T.h.e.y. s.a.y. I. r.e.a.d. s.l.o.w., b.u.t. I f.e.l.l. a.s.l.e.e.p. b.e.f.o.r.e. I. f.i.n.i.s.h.e.d. t.h.e. r.e.p.o.r.t. They say I don't tell the truth but I think they're all liars. They say I'm dishonest but I never spent any money before I stole it. They say I'm a poor businessman, but my investments just went broke before they had a chance to make a profit. They say us politicians are overbearing, I think the little people better get back to work so they can pay their tax increases. They say politicians take bribes, I say we need to see how serious our constituents are about our votes before we sell them. They say us Doctors are hypocrites, but no Doctor will agree who still has a medical license. They say us Lawyers are greedy, and for a fee I'll take either side of the issue. They say me ain't has none too good a grammar, but snobs is them all. They say my propensity to elucidate the contextual significance and archetypical substructures of transient phenomena obfuscates the informational content of my communications. You would not recognize any substantive basis for such a derogatory pronouncement would you? They say I'm antisocial, no wonder I don't like anybody. ---------------------------------------------------- [ First, a little explanation: Switzerland is divided into so-called Kantons which are similar to -- but of course much smaller than -- your concept of states. One such "state" is the state of Appenzell whose inhabitants have a reputation of both being of a small build and being fairly witty.] A farmer from Texas visits a farmer in Appenzell. The Appenzell farmer, playing the amiable host, shows the Texan around. Upon seing the farm house, the Texan exclaims: "Gee, my farm house is much bigger. Even my dog's hut is larger than your farm house." Of course, things go on like that for a while, until the Texan farmer boasts: "In fact, it takes me two days to drive around the perimeter of all of my possessings." The Appenzell farmer sucks pensively on his pipe [they always do that] and replies: "Yeah, I know. I used to own a car like that myself!" *start* 17161 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 22 Oct 90 10:50:15 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 6.N From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. ---------------------------------------------------- "Don't feel bad because you live in Cleveland. You know, all over the world, in all countries, it is the same. Every country has a city to make fun of. In United States, it is Cleveland. In Soviet Union, it is Cleveland." ---------------------------------------------------- From Carl Sukkot: Why is Poland just like the United States? In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. And the american word for edible flesh is the same in bothe countries: Meat in Us corresponds to Myth in polish (in the sence that it's something you have heard about but never see ib real life) ---------------------------------------------------- By the way, a related gem is the radio commercial in which some lady takes her car to a dishonest mechanic, who explains that she needs to have her "Fahrvergnator" replaced. ---------------------------------------------------- When leaving the Soviet Union, emmigrants must go through a very extensive search of all of their belongings. What is or is not allowed depends on the inspector's mood, and can vary from foreign rugs to make up, to foods that require cooking, such as rice (I am not kidding here). Some things are of course not allowed to be taken along, no matter how nice or easy to bribe the inspector is. One is absolutely not allowed to take money over some almost nonexistant amount, or jewlery beyong a few items. That of course does not mean that people do not try to smuggle things. The customs check involves a strip search, and the inspector is free to dig through all of one's baggage. So one man tried to smuggle out diamonds by hiding them in the heels of his shoes. Then, at the last minute, he got scared, (people have been denied permission to leave for hiding things, and anything which is found is confiscated and kept by the inspector or the state), and switched shoes with his brother, who was staying behind, and had come along to say goodbye. The inspector turned out to be a really tough one, and cut up the man's shoes, looking for hidden money/jewlery/etc. Well, now the guy has no shoes, and can't very well travel all the way to Austria (first stop outside USSR) without shoes. So he asks his brother to give him "his" shoes .... the ones with the diamonds. The man, and the shoes, and the diamonds, are now safely in the U.S. ---------------------------------------------------- In a similar vein, my uncle, a sailor told me this supposedly true story. The standard procedure, after spending the shore leave in a foreign port, for getting back to the ship before sail time was to show the cab driver a note which has the transcript of the most prominent sign around the pier. So these sailors were in Hamburg and the cab driver nodded knowingly when he saw the note. However very soon he stopped the car in a place nowhere near the shore. When asked by the puzzled looks, he pointed to a small sign that has the same word on it as the note:"Herrentoilette". ---------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine claims to have observed the following incident at the US-Canada border: A couple of US tourists come to the border, and speaking very slowly and distinctly (but with a strong southern accent), the husband asks "Do you speak English?" The border guard replies, "How nice of you to learn our language before visiting our country." ---------------------------------------------------- In the wake of the recent court victory by Lotus over concerning copyright infringement, Microsoft Inc. announced today that they are suing Lotus for infringing on their lawsuit copyrights. "We have examined the text of the Lotus lawsuits and have determined that they violate our copyright on look-and-feel lawsuits," a spokesman for Microsoft said. "A lot of effort was spent developing the concept of look-and-feel lawsuits and Lotus is capitalizing on our work." At the same time, Microsoft filed for a patent on look-and-feel lawsuits. A federal judge granted a preliminary injuction against Lotus, preventing them from pursuing further lawsuits on the basis of copyright infringement until formal briefs could be filed by both sides. Borland stock jumped 1 5/8 on the news. ---------------------------------------------------- In a suprise move today, Judaism filed suit against the Catholic Church, claiming Catholisism copied the "look and feel" of the religion. Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a mono-theistic religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh(R), The Old Testament(C), and the use of "CH"(tm) for the "H" sound, is suing for 2000 years of back royalties. They are also asking that the court disallow the use of the term "Judeo-Christian" from all textbooks. The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokeman from the Vatican stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by the two religions has long expired, and that the suit violates the separation of church and state. More news as the case develops. ---------------------------------------------------- [ First, a little explanation: Switzerland is divided into so-called Kantons which are similar to -- but of course much smaller than -- your concept of states. One such "state" is the state of Appenzell whose inhabitants have a reputation of both being of a small build and being fairly witty.] A farmer from Texas visits a farmer in Appenzell. The Appenzell farmer, playing the amiable host, shows the Texan around. Upon seing the farm house, the Texan exclaims: "Gee, my farm house is much bigger. Even my dog's hut is larger than your farm house." Of course, things go on like that for a while, until the Texan farmer boasts: "In fact, it takes me two days to drive around the perimeter of all of my possessings." The Appenzell farmer sucks pensively on his pipe [they always do that] and replies: "Yeah, I know. I used to own a car like that myself!" ---------------------------------------------------- As told by Jack Berkery: Many years ago, when I first bought a Commodore-64 for my kids, I got a game which just drew nice things on the screen. You know the type, hit D for draw, M for move, C to change the color and befor long you have a screen full of geometric shapes, lines and colors. Not all that exciting for us perhaps, but kids get a kick out of doing it. Well, Tommy, my four year old, wanted to have a go at it, so I turned it on and showed him some things he could do with it and went upstairs to take a shower. 30 minutes later, I came back to see the screen full of some very interesting designs. Circles, squares, triangles, all different colors, criss- crossed with solid lines, dashed lines, lines of every type and color. Much of it using options and functions I had never shown him and should have taken several days to have mastered. I was amazed to say the least. "Wow Tommy! That's great" I said, "Show me how you did that." And he did. He took hold of the keyboard with both hands and bashed his forehead into it several times. ---------------------------------------------------- Ride a Harley, Ride the best, Ride a mile, Walk the rest. Did you ever notice that all Harley owners also own pickups? The other day I went riding on my rice-burner. My friend was on his kraut-cycle. We took a winding road, and in front of us was a pickup truck with a Harley in the back. We were taking the scenic route, stopping to admire the view, etc, but the truck never left the route for the interstate. Finally we realized that that is how you take your Harley out for a long ride. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many gun-banners does it take to change a light bulb? A: Let the police do it---private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs. Q: How many constitutional amendments does it take to protect the right to change light bulbs? A: Make as many as you want, they'll just be ignored anyway. ---------------------------------------------------- The highest obligation and privilege of citizenship is that of bearing arms--George Patton I realize I am generalizing here. But, as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care--Dave Barry An optomist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds; a pessimist fears that this is the case. The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities. I'm just glad we don't get all the government we pay for--Mark Twain [On weightlifting:] Picking up something heavy and then putting it back down? That's not sport, that's indecision--Paula Poundstone Able was I ere I saw Elba. Name no one man. Sit on a Potato Pan, Otis! A man, a plan, a cat, a bag, a hen, one yen, one hag, a bat, a canal...Panama! He was on a scaffold re-shingling the roof when his cousin pointed up and said 'Look! A Giant Helium Blimp!' So he took a step back to get a better view--Garrison Keiller What's the point in being grown-up if you can't be childish at times?--The Doctor Laughter is the closest distance between two people--Victor Borge Even though we're both talking English, we're not speaking the same language--Calvin and Hobbes We must believe in free will. We have no choice--Isaac Bashevis Singer The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children--Duke of Windsor A hundred billion is *not* infinite and it's getting less infinite all the time--Isaac Asimov When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property--Thomas Jefferson, 1807 I divide all readers into two classes: those who read to remember and those who read to forget--William Lyon Phelps What does an actor want with a conscience anyway?--Jiminy Cricket We must hang together, gentlemen. Else, we shall most assuredly hang separately--Benjamin Franklin, 1776 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain--Jane Wagner Those who would sacrifice liberty for security, deserve neither--Benjamin Franklin The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising themselves--Wyndham Lewis Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got. All power corrupts, but we need electricity. The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you pour on it, the more it will contract--Oliver Wendell Holmes The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines--Frank Lloyd Wright [A drama critic is] a man who leaves no turn unstoned--George Bernard Shaw We may take pride in observing that there is not a single film showing in London today which deals with one of the burning issues of the day--Lord Tyrell, British film censors' chief, 1937 In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about--Hobbes Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it--George Bernard Shaw Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing--Oliver Wendell Holmes Have you ever stopped to think what life would be like without flowers? I mean, what would you send to dead people? Grapes, maybe. Then there would be something to eat at a viewing--Dave Barry Well-organized ignorance often passes, unfortunately, for wisdom. Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel coast to coast without seeing anything--Charles Kuralt 20 years ago, with `The Selling of the President,' was the first time that people realized that President was packaged...like a bar of soap. 20 years later, people have gotten to the point where that analogy seems unfair to soap--Barbera Lippert I'm the Descartes of anxiety. I panic, therefore I am--Richard Lewis A straight line may be the shortest way between two points but it is by no means the most interesting--The Doctor Acceptance by government of a dissident press is a measure of the maturity of a nation--William O Douglas A good neighbor doubles the value of a house--German proverb There are two kinds of people who don't say much--those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. A politician is someone who can make waves and then make you think he's the only person who can save the ship--Ivern Bell One thing the discovery of the North Pole revealed is that there is nobody sitting on top of the world. I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!--Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe--Carl Sagan In the force of Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it--Dave Barry Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction and gypsy fortune tellers listen to weather forecasts and economists?--Kelvin Throop III I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph--Shirley Temple It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this--Bertrand Russell It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper--Rod Serling It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to--Franklin P Jones It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat--Robert Fuoss I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it--Groucho Marx I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up--Will Rogers The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on grounds of ability--Tom Lehrer The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers--Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering--The Doctor There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you--Will Rodgers ---------------------------------------------------- MURPHY'S_LAWS_OF_COMBAT: 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them. 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down. 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone. 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16966 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 Oct 90 21:11:49 PST (Tuesday) Subject: Life 6.O From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Northern Girl: Hmmph! Men are all alike! Southern Girl: Yeah, men are all ah like, too! ---------------------------------------------------- "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?" ---------------------------------------------------- Ernestine Hill (I have no idea who he is apart from this quote) has said that over many decades the citizens of Darwin fell into two categories - those who were paid to stay there and those who had no money to leave. ---------------------------------------------------- Apparently, a U.S. military officer at a base in the south seas had some local natives assist him in doing an inventory count. After most of a day of work, the native supervisor reported that the warehouse contained 2,000 crates of "This end up" and 3,000 crates of "Use no hooks." Well, they *claimed* it was true.... ---------------------------------------------------- News of the Weird... from the Chronicle, Sept. 14, 1990 France's tourism minister, Olivier Stirn, resigned in July after his plan to increase attendance at a conference back-fired. When only 37 people showed up (out of 5,000 invitees), Stirn hurriedly called a local actors' union and offered about $50 each for 200 actors to sit in the audience to make it respectable in size (Featured speakers were 12 government ministers and two former prime minsiters). However, the actors thought their gig expired at 6:15 PM (while Defense Minister Jean Pierre Chevenement was speaking), and they walked out en masse. ---------------------------------------------------- SAW THIS ON THE BACK OF A VAN IN ROCHESTER; CAUTION: BLIND MAN DRIVING ON THE SIDE OF THE VAN (AFTER I PASSED IT TO CHECK OUT THE DRIVER) ROCHESTER VENETIAN BLIND CO. ----------------------------------------------------------------- (Esquire Magazine annual Dubious Achievement awards ~ 15 years ago) Late at night the police in Atlanta stopped a car going in an distinctly erratic and halting manner. The owner having admittedly just finished a very long night at a nearby bar was drunk - far too drunk to drive but still sobber enough the realize and aceept that he was in no condition to drive. The driver, a friend from the bar, was quite sobber but was following the directions of the drunken owner which in part account for the erratic driving. The the driver it turn out did not have driver's liscence for the driver was blind. ---------------------------------------------------- Here in the Portland Oregon area, when Exxon spilled their goo all over the Alaska coast, a local student spent his life savings, $5,000, to take out a full-page ad in the newspaper, urging people to boycott Exxon gas stations. He proudly showed the ad to a friend, who pointed out that Exxon has no gas stations in Oregon. ---------------------------------------------------- At a upper class dinner party, one female guest pulled the hostess aside and said to her, "If you do not mind, please do not seat me next to Dr. Samuel Johnson. He smells." She did not notice Johnson standing behind her within earshot, who immediately came over and entered the conversation. Said he, "I beg your pardon, madam, but it is YOU who smell. I stink." One evening Mrs Noah Webster entered the parlor late and found her husband kissing the chambermaid. She gasped, and said, "Well! I'm surprised!" Webster turned and said, "No, madam. WE are surprised. You are amazed." ---------------------------------------------------- English Language Blunders From Around the World Collected by Ronnie Alexander & Karl Zimmer University of California, Berkeley Italian Hotel Brochure: This hotel is renowned for its piece and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude. Rome hotel: Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire to come out. Polish Tourist Brochure: As for the tripes serves you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praise to your children as you lie on your deathbed. French Hotel: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trouser. French Restaurant Menu: Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up. French Swimming Pool: Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Savior. Spanish Hotel Ad: The provision of a large French widow in every room adds to the visitors comfort. Madrid Restaurant Menu: Tarts of the house. Madrid Hotel: Peoples will left the room at midday of tomorrow in place of not which will be more money for hole day. Athens Restaurant Menu: Chopped cow with a wire through it. *Bowels in sauce** *shish-kebab **tripe On the Box of a Clockwork Toy Made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. ---------------------------------------------------- Bella English, 8/13/90 "A Little English on the Language" Last week, I read in the newspaper that Deborah Norville was irked at the use of her name in the following manner: "Jane Pauley was norvilled out of a job." In other words, thrown over for a youger, blonder version. Like, Marla norvilled Ivana. Quayle norvilled Dole. In the spirit of all people who have been norvilled in this world, I offer the following excerpts from English's New World Dictionary. chung: v. to aggressively attempt to get pregnant. (She was desperate to get chunged.) quayle: v. 1. to listen with a look of intense concentration, without a clue to what the speaker is saying. (The Russian spoke in his native tongue, so all I could do was quayle.) 2. to impersonate a vice president. (I'm quayling for Halloween.) quail: v. what the rest of us do when we see Danny Boy impersonating a vice president. saddam-ize: v. to commit an unnatural act of aggression against your neighbor. (Iraq saddamized Kuwait.) dukakis: n. 1. massive failure. (The autopsy report indicated death was due to a coronary dukakis.) 2. a nosedive into oblivion (He did a dukakis off the Tobin Bridge.) v. to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. (Despite their first place standing, I expect the Red Sox to dukakis before the season is out.) silber: v. to blame the press whenever you make a fool out of yourself. adj. sexist. (Frankly, that was a rather silber remark.) bellotti: v. 1. to tan well into your sixties without wrinkling. 2. to run repeatedly for office until you finally win. (Jesse Jackson is attempting to bellotti for president.) 3) to have 12 kids because they're cheaper by the dozen. murphy: see dukakis, above. hard: n. to suffer from an acute hormonal imbalance, specifically, of testosterone. (Poor woman; her husband was being treated for a hart-attack.) bush: v. to take vacation, early and often, particularly in the middle of an international crisis. (George was bushing it up in Kennebunkport.) bushed: adj. very tired, exhausted from all that boating, fly fishing, golfing, jogging, and biking. bushwhacked: v. to be photographed in a compromising position. (Michael Dukakis was bushwhacked while driving a tank and wearing a Snoopy helmet.) barbara (bush): v. to achieve great popularity for no apparent reason. (A recent Wellesley College graduate stated: "Heavens, no. I don't plan to work. I plan to barbara.") neil (bush): v. 1. to state as your primary defense to criminal charges that your daddy is president. 2. to state as your primary defense to criminal charges that you're not crooked, just stupid. barry: v. to cry racism after you're caught in a hotel room with a bimbo on your arm and coke up your nose. (The mayor has been barrying all over the place.) sex, lies, and videotape: n. the new movie about Mayor Marion Barry and his escapades in a Washington hotel room. trump (d.): v. to file for bankruptcy while living on only half a million bucks a month. trump (i.): v. to cry poverty because you're only getting a $25 million divorce settlement. roseanne: n. the name of a television show, whose original working title was, "two hundred thirtysomething." marcos: n. a behavioral disorder characterized by pathological spending of other people's money. (I marcosed out with my parents' Visa at Filene's Basement last week.) (The S&L bandits are marcosing with our tax dollars.) vinnie: v. to impress a young lady by driving a souped-up Corvette and wearing gold chains and tank tops. ("Boy, he really vinnied that chick.") adj. anything particular to Corvettes, gold chains, and tank tops (Revere Beach is super vinnie.) langone: n. 1. an extremely sexist member of the Governor's Council who calls women reporters "dear" and "honey." (Joseph is a real langone.) 2. an extremely obnoxious member of the Governor's Council who threatens to "bury" an outstanding woman lawyer seeking a judgeship. 3. mortician to the Angiulos. idiot: n. any member of the Massachusetts Legislature. Massachusetts: n. one of 13 original states; former commonwealth of the US, now a national zoo. reagan: n. someone who is overpaid and underworked. (Ronald was a real reagan.) english: n. someone who is overworked and underpaied. (Bella is a rel english.) ---------------------------------------------------- These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton (Walker; $8.95) Enjoy! In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted." In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic. In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???) In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service. In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue." In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face). In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club" An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses." ---------------------------------------------------- --------------- The Burroughs/Sperry (now Unisys) Merger Song ----------- (to the tune of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic") Mine eyes have seen the glory of the merger come to pass. It has taken two expanding firms and knocked them on their ass. It has given all the customers heartburn and lots of gas. And the stocks started going down. Glory, glory, what a merger. Glory, glory, what a merger. Glory, glory, what a merger. And the stocks keep going down. I have seen the speculation of the great things yet to come. Like software without source code that will never fail to run. And promises of hardware where our real work can get done. But the stocks keep going down. They have bet the ranch on Unix as the future's tidal wave. And they're counting on the Unix sales to try to help them save, Their relationship with Wall Street where investors won't behave. And the stocks keep going down. I have seen the teams of experts crawling all around our site. With assurances that they will fix the things that aren't quite right. And it only took them half a year to straighten out our plight. But the stocks keep going down. I have seen them lay off thousands just to "turn the ship around" But they kept the chief executive and rumors did abound. And the crew below the decks could hear the waters gurgling sound. And the stocks kept going down. Perhaps this year their factories will get stuff off the line. And perhaps the distribution group will ship it out on time. And perhaps the stuff will really work when we bring it all online. Or the stocks will still go down. And now the architect who brought this wonderous thing about. Has moved into the banking world, where without a doubt He will give the financiers good cause to dance and sing and shout, As the stocks keep going down. So now lets toast Jim Unruh and award him our respect. And hope he's not the captain standing on the deck Of the ship known as the Titanic, just before its icy wreck. Or we'll all be going down. Well, I guess it's clear that there is really nothing more to say. Except we hope this company is facing brighter days. So let's get our buts in gear, and update our resumes. As the stocks keep going down. ---------------------------------------------------- THE MODERN LITTLE RED HEN Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen. And she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. And the pig just grunted. And they painted "unfair" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle." And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful. I am grateful." But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more bread. From an advertisement by Milliken & Company (textiles) *start* 15890 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 5 Nov 90 12:27:43 PST (Monday) Subject: Life 6.P From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright: On Ballerinas - "Why are they always on their tip-toes? ... why don't they just get taller women?" "I was staying in an old hotel ... ... they sent me a wake-up letter." Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature ... On the other hand, you have different fingers. "I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the world." ---------------------------------------------------- My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women--Woody Allen Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?--Virginia Woolf ---------------------------------------------------- the idea that limbless animals use less energy than do legged animals. Biologist Bruce Jayne and crew monitored snakes' movements slithering on treadmills while wearing tiny oxygen masks. ---------------------------------------------------- The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be! ---------------------------------------------------- The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times. As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years. A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO. I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes. ---------------------------------------------------- THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX --------------------------- 1) When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched. 2) A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. 3) Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops. 4) Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor-- if the neighbor is trying to sleep late. 5) Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that the mas who throws the salt has dandruff. 6) Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees. 7) To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had too much the night before. 8) To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a gun--or have a friend who is. 9) When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen. ---------------------------------------------------- More Groucho Marx: "Even though I try never to forget a face... I'm willing to make an exception in your case." You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. --Groucho Marx' last words I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. ---------------------------------------------------- On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just laid off 3 judges. ---------------------------------------------------- J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car. Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned with a reserve bid of $100,000. ---------------------------------------------------- A drunk approached a gas bar late at night and told the attendants he was robbing them. When they refused to give him anything, he threatened to call the police. When they still refused, he called the police. When the police arrived, the drunk was promptly arrested. ---------------------------------------------------- As recently reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i.e. expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S.P.O.C" (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the law won". ---------------------------------------------------- Seen in a tabloid-style advertisment for a kind of surplus store in a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups: "We will not be oversold! Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully bill you for the difference plus 10%" ---------------------------------------------------- It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans. Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive in the year 1375 are dead. ---------------------------------------------------- I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was alleged to have really happened. Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota. While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in. The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a bit, then Humphfrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if you would just kind of be nice to him." After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they acted. ---------------------------------------------------- Communism is the only moral form for society, what will it take to put people in a position to see that? (wrote one poster) - Gunpoint ---------------------------------------------------- Helpful error messages: Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program" ----------------------- Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! .... Management was not amused when the first customer called in for support with this message. :-) ----------------------- If things go amiss in Interactive Data Language, as they frequently do, you get : Something Rotten in Denmark, Interp Stack Not ALigned just before the core dumps. ---------------------------------------------------- Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came up with a real beauty last week. In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like this: blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah... (right after the last 'normal' question) Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes) Great! Lord knows I love a good dream. backup.. (audit messages about images coming up) Press [RETURN]: Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me! I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back! Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1. ---------------------------------------------------- Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers: Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively. Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly will known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done: 1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. it can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. 2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground. There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator. 1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention. 2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin. 3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable. 4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are. 5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the guages and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane. 6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies. 7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. ---------------------------------------------------- GSP Digest #279 September 16, 1990 AND HOLD THE ANCHOVIES ON ALL 312 Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, took advantage of a wardens' strike to break into an office and telephone an order for 18 tons of concrete to be delivered as a prank. While they were at it, they called out for 312 pizzas. (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to pay for the pizzas.) THE CONTINUING CRISIS An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand. At one point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on your resumes!" NON-STOP GRIDLOCK Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory committee to the Orange County Transportation Commission studying traffic problems, saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because of freeway gridlock. Carl Williams, 22, was indicted in Cleveland in December for having made 32 phone calls to 911 because he was bored and needed conversation. His mother had had their telephone service fixed so Carl could no longer dial 900 numbers for conversation because he had been running up huge bills. Ralph Armstrong, a retired firefighter in Santa Rosa, complaining a construction company had reneged on its promise to build a noise shield between its site and his home, erected his own shield in January - a solid wall made of horse manure. September 23, 1990 Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a united Germany to choose whether or not to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated." NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems. Everything has gone tickety-boo." The sister of the Japanese soldier who resurfaced last year in Malaysia, where he had been hiding since World War II: "I did not hear from him for nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried." Hernando, Fla., Circuit Judge Richard Tombrink, barring reporters and the public from a January meeting with three county administrators on recent jail escapes: "If you want a free and open discussion, you can't allow the public or the press in." ---------------------------------------------------- from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard: A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes: "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." Bruce Sprinsteen "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth a new application." from The Gettysbug Address "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken." Lab manager I think therefore I create bugs." Descartes "Debug is human, de-fix divine." "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him." P. T. Bugem Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug." "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind." N. Armstrong "The bug is mightier than the fix." Cyrano deBuggerac "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." The Super-User "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." "I have just begun to debug." *start* 16077 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 28 Nov 90 21:09:41 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.Q From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- In Waverly Ky, it is illegal to practice or teach any martial art in a bakery within the city limits! Watch out for those custard pie throwing Ninja's!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Heard this morning on KXYQ (Q-105) in Portland OR: Top eight surprises in the new budget ... 2) Bush's "1000 Points of Light" cut to 471 points 1) Quayle's Lego (TM) allotment combined with NASA's budget ---------------------------------------------------- (Also a quote from Roger von Oech's "A Kick in the Seat of the Pants": "I don't like to eat snails. I prefer fast food." - Strange de Jim, Pundit ---------------------------------------------------- From a recent "News of the Weird" column in the San Jose Mercury/News: After an audit, the U.S. Postal Service announced in June that the IRS owed $2 million for underpaying its postage bill. IRS said several offices did not understand the complex regulations on certified mail. The Times of India reported in May that two Hindu brides, their vision obscured by long veils, married each other's grooms at Patan village ceremonies that were rushed because both had been mistakenly scheduled for the same time. Village elders said the marriages are final and cannot be revoked. Omaha attorney (and former judge) David Crawford broke his collarbone recently as he was demonstrating to his office staff how easy it would be to tip over cows as they sleep standing up. He had gotten down on all fours and asked a staff member to tip him over onto his side. Five armed inmates overpowered guards at a Venezuelan prison close to the Colombian border in April, commandeered a vehicle, and prepared to escape. However, none of the five, nor any of the several hostages they grabbed, knew how to drive a stick shift, and army troops soon obtained the men's surrender. Police seized nearly a half-million dollars from the safe deposit box of Benson Hilt in Evergreen Park, Ill., in May - money they said was profits from illegal drug trafficking - because Hilt had lost his right to protect the box when he forgot to pay his box rent. October 7, 1990 GOVERNMENT IN ACTION The General Accounting Office revealed in August that the Department of Veterans Affairs had been paying pension and disability benefits to more than 1200 dead people (including 100 that have been dead for more than 10 years). The department would save $5.7 million per year by matching its pay records with other government records on death. A state auditor's report in January criticized the Muskegon (Mich.) Center for Developmental Disabilities for using residents' fees for questionable purposes, including a $780 expenditure for oil paintings to adorn the rooms of blind patients. Missouri first lady Janet Ashcroft ordered the state library in Jefferson City opened on Mother's Day this year just so that her son could do some school work. (She later apologized.) Never learns Daniel R. Wyman had just been found guilty of driving with a suspended license and had been released from the courtroom in Kenosha, Wisconsin, in February. The judge walked outside to see if Wyman would drive away from the courthouse, which he did, whereupon the judge had him arrested again. Religious differences Five died and dozens were injured as 2,000 warriors battled for four days near Papua, New Guinea, in May, after a dispute between two tribes about how to serve a roasted pig at a peace ceremony. Be more discreet Robert Haag, 33, of Arizona, was charged in January with attempting to steal a 27-ton, carsized meteorite from Chaco province in Argentina and attempting to smuggle it out of the country. Hi Bro'! Leslie Steven Slobak, 28, was sentenced to a year in jail in Calgary in May for aiding a felony after the fact. While he was standing in a bank line, a man robbed the bank. Slovak gave a perfect description of the robber, omitting only the fact that he was Slovak's brother. (Slovak had no advance knowledge that he brother would be robbing the bank.) ---------------------------------------------------- All you ever wanted to know about Marx Brothers incidents... From _The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes_ Clifton Fadiman, General Editor MARX, Chico [Leonard] (1891-1961), US movie comedian, one of the famous Marx Brothers. 1. Marx's wife had caught him kissing a chorus girl. During the ensuing row, Chico declared: "I wasn't kissing her. I was wispering in her mouth." 2. A new neighbor, not recognizing Chico, asked hin what he did for a living. "I'm a smuggler," announced Chico, then, reassuringly, "Nothing big. Just Mexicans." 3. Chico wrote Heywood Broun a check to pay off some gambling debts, warning him not to cash it before twelve o'clock the following day. Broun later complained to Chico that the check had bounced. Chico asked: "What time did you try to cash it?" "Twelve-o-five." "Too late." MARX, Groucho [Julius] (1895-1977), US comedian, one of the famous Marx Brothers. 1. Groucho was working in the garden of his California house, dressed in tattered and ancient clothes. A wealthy matron in a Cadillac caught sight of him, stopped, and wondered whether she might persuade the supposed gardener to come and work for her. "Gardener," she called, "how much does the lady of the house pay you?" Groucho looked up. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," he replied. "The lady of the house just lets me sleep with her." 2. Groucho was descending in the elevator of the Hotel Danieli in Venice. On the third floor the elevator stopped and a group of priests entered. One of them, recognizing Groucho, told him that his mother was a great fan of his. "I didn't know you guys were allowed to have mothers," said Groucho. 3. When Groucho wanted to join a certain beach club in Santa Monica, California, he was told by a friend that as the club was known to be anti-Semitic he might as well not bother to apply. "But my wife isn't Jewish," replied Groucho, "so will they let my son go into the water up to his knees?" {This story and the one following, however, are both probably apocryphal.} 4. Groucho sent a telegram to the exclusive Friar's Club in Hollywood, to which he belonged: "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." 5. The ma^itre d'h^otel stopped Groucho as he was about to enter the dining room of a smart Los Angeles hotel. "I am sorry, sir, but you have no necktie." "That's all right," said Groucho, "don't be sorry. I remember the time I had no pants." "I am sorry sir," repeated the man, "you cannot enter the dining room without a necktie." Groucho caught sight of a bald man in the center of the dining room and yelled, "Look! Look at him! You won't let me in without a necktie, but you let him in without his hair!" 6. Groucho attended on of George Gershwin's parties, given, it seemed, for the sole purpose of letting the host play and show off his music. Someone asked him, "Do you think that Gershwin's melodies will be played a hundred years from now?" "Sure," was Groucho's answer, "if Goerge is here to play them." 7. A tipsy man lumbered up to Groucho Marx, slapped him on the back, and said, "You old son-of-a-gun, you probably don't remember me." Marx glared at him and said, "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." 8. The Marx Brothers, though a closely knit group, also understood their relative values as performers. When they were working on Broadway, Zeppo, the straight man and consequently replacable, decided to quit the show. Sam Harris, the producer, gave him permission to leave. When Groucho, Harpo and Chico heard about it, they went to Harris. Groucho said, "Sam, if Zeppo leaves you'll have to give us more money." 9. Groucho Marx intensly disliked producer Harry Cohn, who worked for Columbia pictures. Once, with his brother Chico, he viewed Cohn's latest film. Whaen the words "Columbia Pictures Presents" came up, Groucho turned to Chico and remarked, "Drags, doesn't it?" 10. Warner Brothers threatened to sue Groucho Marx when they heard that the next Marx Brothers film was to be called _A Night in Casablanca_, arguing that the title was too close to their own _Casablanca_. Groucho's reply: "I'll sue you for using the word _Brothers_." 12. Invited to a bachelor dinner at a fashionable restaurant before a high-society wedding, Grouchoand Harpo noted that the automatic elevator opened directly into the dining rooms on various floors. As the elevator went up, they gleefully arranged a surprise for the assembled bachelors and emerged - carrying their clothes in valises and wearing nothin but top hats. To their consternation, they were greeted not by rauscous roars of male hilarity but by high-pitched feminine shrieks. The bride was entertaining _her_ friends on the floor above the bachelor dinner, and Groucho and Harpo had pressed the wrong button. No ready escape appeared; they took refuge behind a large potted plant until they could drape themselves in tablecloths secured by a kindly waiter, murmur abject appologies to the horrified ladies, and slink ignominiously from the room. 13. Marx despised the empty clich'es of business correspondence. A letter from his bank manager ende with the standard phrase, "If I can be of any service to you, do not hesitate to cal on me." Marx immeadiately put pen to paper. "Dear Sir," he wrote, "The best thing you can do to be of service to me is to steal some money from the account of one of your richer clients and credit it to mine." 14. For many years, every time they met, Samuel Goldwyn's first words to Groucho Marx would be "How's Harpo?" Marx grew rather tired of this. Finally, on meeting Goldwyn again and facing the inevitable inquiry, he said, "Listen Sam, every time we meet - every time for _years_ - you always ask, 'How's Harpo?' You never ask me anything else, and to tell you the truth, I'm getting goddam sick and tired of it. Why don't you ever ask me how _I_ am?" "How are you?" asked Goldwyn obligingly. "I'm fine," replied Groucho. "And how's Harpo?" MARX, Harpo [Arthur] (1893-1964) US movie comedian, the member of the famous Marx brothers team who often pretended to be dumb. He was a skilled Harpist. 1. Among guests ata a dinner party were Harpo Marx and his wife, Susan. The English writer Jonathan Miller quizzed one of the other guests afterward, hoping to hear firsthand some of Hapro's witticisms. "What did Harpo say?" he asked. "He didn't say anything." "How about his wife?" "She didn't say anything, either." "Oh," said Miller in pretended disgust, "stealing Harpo's bit, eh?" 2. Meeting George S. Kaufman in New York, Oscar Levant asked if he had recently heard from his friend Harpo Marx. "How can you hear from Harpo?" asked Kaufman. "He can't write and he can't talk, so how can you hear from Harpo?" 3. Harpo Marx on a visit to New York was plagued by representatives of charitieswanting him to appear at benefits. One persistant lady telephoned him no fewer than twelve times in forty-eight hours. Harpo eventually agreed to appear for her charity. To ensure that he would not escape her at the last minute, she called to escort him personally to the benefit. As they were leaving the hotel suite, the telephone began ringing. "Don't you want to go back and answer it?" the lady asked. "Why bother?" responded Harpo with a weary sigh. "It's undoubtedly you again." ---------------------------------------------------- "If scientists wrote Nursery Rhymes" How many can you solve? (Answers below) 1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken by the first member. 2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of the viands devoid of contents. 3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male human. 4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for the subdivision of edible tissue. 5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same pathway. 6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation. ---------------------------------------------------- We noticed a significant slow-down of our 5820 (bi-processor 5800) in response time after upgrading from Ultrix 3.1 (which supports a single processor) to Ultrix 4.0 (whose "kernel has been enhanced to support multiple processors executing kernel code"). The local DEC support's reply to my call was that it was a known "problem" and their advice was to turn off the 2nd CPU until a fix is found. I did this, and lo and behold, "ls" runs so much faster... I wonder if by turning the remaining CPU off I'll get the computing power DEC claims for the DS5820. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after. 2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so.......(I don't remember the words) They ate the platter clean. 3. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a plum And said "What a good boy am I!" 4. Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice. 5. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. 6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow. With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row. ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16238 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 1 Dec 90 16:10:54 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 6.R From: Cate3 To: Cate3 The gems in this issue were forwarded to me by Gene Spafford ---------------------------------------------------- Originally-from: Andy Koenig @ Bell Labs They just sent out announcements for the conference on massively parallel systems. I got 600 of them. ---------------------------------------------------- Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 1994 Psychic of the Year award. ---------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 13 Oct 90 09:07:18 -0400 From: RIch Epstein <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:REPSTEIN@GWUVM> To: Spaf for Yucks Subject: Stealth Semantics A political cartoon in the Washinton Post showed a confused driver passing a large campaign billboard which read: -------------------------------------------- | T H R O W T H E B U M S O U T ! | | Re-elect Congressman Rottweiler! | -------------------------------------------- || || || || - Rich Epstein, inside the Beltway, but I wish I weren't ---------------------------------------------------- Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to "his country, his state and his community." The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology." The resolutiobn was passed unanimously. Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler. ---------------------------------------------------- From islenet!bob Fri Sep 28 03:11:34 1984 From: bob@islenet.UUCP (Robert P. Cunningham) Newsgroups: net.followup,net.wanted Subject: Re: Car for Sale. (secret of net.general revealed) Date: 28 Sep 84 07:11:34 GMT Organization: Hawaii Institute of Geophysics [begin lampoon mode] Seeing the articles in net.general for apartments to let in Mississippi and '67 Plymouths for sale in Chicago I used to wonder: Why would people advertise such things worldwide? No more. I've put 2+2 together, thanks to an obscure federal government census report. I now know the secret behind such postings. The "Place of Work" report, compiled from 1980 federal census survey data, describes the way people travel to their jobs in the U.S. It's meant to used by government agencies for transportation planning. I found much mundane information about the state & city where I live. E.g., the state of Hawaii has 412,307 workers, of which various percentages travel to work via various means of transportation. However... Thirty-three people working in Honolulu reported that they rode to their jobs in a subway, elevated train or by railroad. Rather strange, since as far as I know, Honolulu has never had a subway or elevated train...and the railroads went out of business in the 1920's. Could this mean that there is a secret rail transportation system, known only to those 33 people? Eight people living outside the state reported that it took them an average of 28.4 minutes to commute to their jobs via bus vs. the 36.8 minutes it took the 32,984 workers who live in the state to get to their jobs via bus. The state of Hawaii is completely isolated in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I refuse to believe those eight people live on the ocean. Does this mean that these eight people have access to a bus capable of making quick overseas trips? It gets even more interesting... Exactly 204 people who live OUTSIDE the state WALK to work. Presumably by walking on water. And - according to the report - there are MORE THAN 1,000 people who live outside the state and travel to work by car. I'd thought the out-of-state car license plates I saw in Honolulu were simply the same plates that those cars had before being brought over here by ship. According to the federal report, I was wrong. Some of those drivers obviously commute daily. Then, the other day, the proof. I saw a '67 Plymouth with Illinois license plates on the Lunalilo Freeway. Note that despite its Hawaiian name, the freeway is part of the federal "Interstate Highway" system! Pulling up beside the car, I yelled over to the driver, "Did you actually drive that car all the way to Hawaii?" His answer was "Right. Sure!" He laughed and drove away, and I didn't have a chance to ask him if he got the car through an advertisement in net.general. However, there's little doubt left in my mind. The evidence is plain: those old cars advertised worldwide because they are capable of fast, WORLDWIDE travel! In order to fully uncover the secret of net.general, I intend to buy the very next '67 Plymouth advertised there for sale in Illinois, and learn the secret of rapid intercontinental travel. Who knows, some day I may be able to commute from that apartment in Mississippi! -- Bob Cunningham ..{dual,ihnp4,vortex}!islenet!bob Honolulu, Hawaii ---------------------------------------------------- From LAGLENN@UNCVX1.BITNET: As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 3. Some people never look at me. 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 5. My sex life is A-okay. 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 12. I cannot read or write. 13. I am bored by thoughts of death. 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 16. I am never startled by a fish. 17. My mother's uncle was a good man. 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 19. People who break the law are wise guys. 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 21. I think beavers work too hard. 22. I use shoe polish to excess. 23. God is love. 24. I like mannish children. 25. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 26. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 27. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 28. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 29. I believe I smell as good as most people. 30. Frantic screams make me nervous. 31. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room full of mice. 32. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 33. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 34. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 35. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 36. My eyes are always cold. This is "The North Dakota Null Hyupothesis Brain Inventory" by Art Buchwald. The author lost the answer key, but if any of you out there have really good insights into your personality as a result of this test, it's time to be committed. ---------------------------------------------------- From: JMGREULICH@miavx1.UUCP (JEFF GREULICH) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: I was going how fast??? Message-ID: Date: 14 Oct 90 10:30:04 GMT The following message was written by a couple of guys at the University of Dayton. Unfortunately, they don't have access to News. But it would be a pity if this wasn't shared with with world. (their permission was given, of course) ------------------------------------- Recently I have been pestered with a series of deeply scientific questions...All evolving out of the age old question..... If you're driving at the speed of Light and you turn your headlights on..What happens? These were quickly followed by If you're driving at the speed of light and..... ...Turn your radio on....What station do you get? ...Hit an on coming freight train.... ...Stick your head out the window.... ...Turn on the windshield washer jets.... ...Honk your horn.... ...Downshift into first.... These are all facinating (and deeply disturbed) questions. But let us assume that you get a car that can travel the speed of light and you begin to unravel these age old mysteries...WHEN SUDDENLY...You are faced with an even more dreadful question If you're driving at the speed of light and get pulled over by an Oakwood Taxi-cop....What kind of fine are you gonna pay??? And believe me you are gonna pay....He ain't gonna buy the line.. "669,600,000 mph!! That's impossible, my car shimmies at 500,000,000 mph!" And he ain't gonna take the excuse that you didn't realize how fast you were going......."Didn't you notice the Blue Shift ,son." After doing some research (No, I did not recently get a ticket) I found that the fair city of Oakwood charges $1 for every 1 mph over the speed limit So if you were pulled over for doing 669,600,000 in a 35 zone you would be charged $669,599,965 + a $33 court fee = $669,599,998 This does not include such subsequent fines as reckless operation, not wearing a seat belt, and DWI (Let's face it if you stopped for an Oakwood cop while doing light speed , you'd have to be drunk. Oakwood is roughly 2 miles across....You'd be out of his jurisiction in 0.00001 Seconds) A couple of other stats concerning a car capable of light speed. You'd flip the odometer in .537 seconds and need to change the oil every .053 seconds. I don't even want to get into the amount of gas it would use and at the current gas prices maybe a ticket isn't your first concern. But just think....you'll be able to answer all those complicated questions....Be the first to own a light-speed car.....Honest, it was only driven on Sundays by a little old lady who had to get to Epsion Indi and back. --Jason Continuing along the line of Jason's scientific inquiry, what happens when you are going light speed in reverse and... ...turn on your headlights... ...look in the rear-view mirror... ...just barely avoid a car doing light speed the other direction... ...honk the horn... ...have to parallel park... ...shift into first... Which also brings up the question...could you get away with looking in the rear-view mirror, or would you have to turn around? --BastarMa ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: English poem Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF ====================== Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough -- Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!! -- Author Unknown *start* 15725 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 4 Jan 91 13:18:15 PST (Friday) Subject: Life 6.S From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- In the war between men and women I prefer to follow the Bible's advice: Love thine enemy. ---------------------------------------------------- Where is the U.S. flag at full mast 24 hours a day, never taken down, and never saluted? The Moon! ---------------------------------------------------- Martyrdom - the only way a person can become famous without ability. - George Bernard Shaw ---------------------------------------------------- A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. - Bismarck ---------------------------------------------------- My favorite tactic along this line was a poster showing several people protesting aminal experimentation. The caption read "Thanks to animal research, these people can protest 20.4 years longer." ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call the Lada owner's manual? A: The bus timetable. Q: What is the difference between a LADA and a golf-ball? A: You can drive a golf_Ball 360 yards... ---------------------------------------------------- "The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse." ---------------------------------------------------- Another unique feature of Athenian democracy was that a year after a law was passed it was reviewed. If the law was voted down the original proposer was executed. This certainly discouraged hasty legislation. Maybe we should try it :-)! ---------------------------------------------------- There _are_ some men who understand women. Unfortunately, they all spend their time in rooms with soft walls, talking to beings from Beta Lyrae. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many East Germans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. No, four. Hold on a minute, better make that three... ---------------------------------------------------- A sign in an eyeglass shop: "EYES EXAMINED WHILE YOU WAIT." By far the most comfortable procedure. ---------------------------------------------------- Which one does not belong? OBJECT OBJECT MONEY OBJECT OBJECT Answer: MONEY. Money is no object. ---------------------------------------------------- In a local college claculus class, the teacher wrote: + 8 lim x->0 --- = oo (infinity) x In an exam the next week, the following answer was seen: + 5 ___ lim x->0 --- = |__| |. x This one is a little difficult to show on the screen, but what you see is a horizontal 5. ---------------------------------------------------- This one is probably best when acted out: A crazy guy walks up to his friend with his hands cupped together. "You'll never guess what I've got in here," he says. "Well, let me think," says his friend. "An elephant! You've got an elephant in your hands!" The guy opens his hands a tiny crack and peeks in. Then he looks thoughtfully at his friend and peeks in again. Finally he looks at his friend defiantly and says, "OK, OK! But what color?!?" ---------------------------------------------------- Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them. Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them. Police: But don't you want your credit cards back? Mr. Johnson: No. He's been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson. ---------------------------------------------------- There is a convicted prisoner who is placed before a firing squad. The commander says, "I have heard that you declined having a last meal." "That's right." Says the prisoner. "And you don't even want a last smoke, or a blindfold?" "No, let's just get it over with." "Is there no last request we can grant you before we shoot you?" Asks the commander. "Well..." Stammers the prisoner. "I am a great lover of music, and it would mean a great deal to me if I am allowed to sing my favorite song, in it's entirety, before I am shot." "Since this wish of yours is your last request, I will grant it. You may sing." Replies the commander. So the prisoner starts... "Ten million bottles of beer on the wall, Ten million bottles of beer... " ---------------------------------------------------- The following are "tales" told by our MIS instructor: of course, written...it may not be as "funny" :( ...you be the judge) A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics. Well, one day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?". Being a science student, one naturally thinks quick, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board". The prof smiled. Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occassion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never you see in my class.", and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quick, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK", and signed the card. ---------------------------------------------------- From: wilkes@penguin.ulowell.edu (C.T. "Tom" Wilkes) This reminds me of a tale told, if I remember correctly, by Richard Feynmann about Murray Gell-Mann, one of the developers of quark theory. It seems Gell-Mann was hauled into traffic court for running a red light, but explained to the judge that the light had appeared to him to be green due to the blue shift. Since Gell-Mann was a Nobel-laureate physicist, the judge was about to let him off until a disgruntled graduate student who happened to be in the audience told the judge exactly how fast Gell-Mann would have been travelling. The charge was changed to speeding.... ---------------------------------------------------- From a reference in a 17th-century book to sailors, it called lawyers "land sharks" and said that they'd rather chance a woman on board ship than a lawyer. ---------------------------------------------------- From Book of Anecdotes, possibly the first entry in the Cannonical List of Lawyer jokes. A story told of former President and General, U.S. Grant; Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S. Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by looks. He once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself to get here." "That's right," said Grant cheerfully. "And how did you find things down there?" "Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to the fire." ---------------------------------------------------- Straight from Salinas, California, the lettuce bowl of the country: "Woman purees tomatoes with .38" A 39-year old Salinas woman was cited last week after trying to slay her husband's tomatoe plants with his .38-caliber revolver. The woman, whom police would not identify, was cited Thursday for discharging a weapon in the city limits while she and her husband argued over the length of her hair. (By the way, "The tomatoe plants survived the assault," according to a spokesman for the Salinas Police Department.) Vegetable-related crime is not new to Salinas. Just last fall, a panhandler was arrested after brandishing a 12-inch cucumber at a businessman and, according to police, threatening to "place the cucumber in a very inappropriate place on (his) person". ---------------------------------------------------- An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. - Camus Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. - Goya God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. - William Brag I like a man who grins when he fights. - Winston Churchill I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head. - George Wallace If it ain't broke, don't fix it. - Bert Lantz Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose. - James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel. - H. L. Mencken Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried. - Thomas Jefferson You don't have to explain something you never said. - Calvin Coolidge A good marraige is like an incredible retirement fund: You put everything you habe into it during your productive life, and over the years it turns from silver to gold to platinum. - Willard Scott A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance. - R. and H. Exley A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to be wet. - Anon A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears. - Montaigne Another person's secret is like another person's money: You are not as careful with it as you are with your own. - E. W. Howe Directions to a model home: Follow 129 until you see Live Oak Church or God on the right. Epitaph: Ebenezer Prichard here lies low Having forsook life. Poisoned by his wife and Dr. Eli Hornblow Epitaph: He called Bill Smith A liar Epitaph: Blown upward out of sight He sought the leak by candlelight Epitaph: Here lies an honest lawyer. That is strange. Epitaph: Here lies my wife in earthy mould who when she lived did naught but scold Good friends go softly in your walking lest she should wake and rise up talking Epitaph: Here lies the body of Arnaksaw Jim We made the mistake but the joke's on him Epitaph: This empty urn is sacred to the memory of John Revere who died abroad in Finistere If he had lived he would have been buried here Epitaph: To all my friends I bid adieu A more sudden death you never knew As I was leading the mare to drink She kicked and killed me quicker'n a wink ---------------------------------------------------- Sorry, this is not a joke. I head some guy named "L.J." (not a rapper) on the radio today... his understanding of the situation gave him a great source of cynicism. He has an article in the September Harper's on the S&L thang. Not really a joke, but here's a modern allegory. Enjoy, -todd ========================== The Roots of Modern Terror by St. Tribunal Overdrive and Gerry Reith, A0 You are among the many passengers of a large bus careening wildly down a twisted mountain road. The bus is being driven by a drunk who is half blind. He and those near the front are suffering from some sort of intoxication from gaseous emissions. They are also drinking. It is night; not even the moon is out to provide lighting. The main lights of the bus are broken from near brushes with the steadily deteriorating old guardrails that are the only thing between the bus and a twenty five hundred foot plunge off a sheer face cliff. The bus is travelling at a truly high rate of speed, etc. Evidently the brakes are out. Only the screams of watchful passengers have kept the sleeping driver from crashing. Within the last few minutes more than four times the bus has had a near miss, headed straight forward into a sharp turn. It is raining and the roads are slick. You originally got into the bus to obtain protection from the elements. This was long ago; so long that you don't remember. Way back then, some wise guy started the bus, and began driving. The drivers have been changed several times, but no matter what, they all speed up; they frequently promise to slow down some; and they all drink heavily from seemingly bottomless flasks stored near the front. Most of the passengers sit, mute, staring off into space, rolling out of their seats and not getting back into them. They seem paralyzed. Those that still seem conscious are divided. Most of them believe the bus is headed somewhere. So do the drivers. But others know that there never was any particular destination in mind. A while back you and some others found a map, inside something called a ``history book,'' and on the map was a picture of a road. The map has clear markings that say ``Dead end.'' In fact, it is a deader end than most: the map indicates that the road ends in an abrupt, unmarked precipice. Some of the passengers want to get out but the windows and doors are welded shut. When they go up front to talk with the driver or his supporters near the font, who are also drunk, they are forcibly pushed back. Shouts have one result: the driver speeds up, and slumps over the wheel more frequently. Some of the passengers think that everyone should be quiet and enjoy the ride. Others are positively certain that the driver should speed up. Still more don't even think the bus is moving. Once in awhile a passenger goes beserk, doing great physical harm to those around him in an attempt to go and seize the wheel. According to the map, you are not far from the end of the road. Most of the people who are told this become immediately agitated and call for new drivers. They then attempt to go and take the wheel, which causes the present driver to swerve and screech around in an even more chaotic way. You just want to stop the bus and get out, but you cannot. To no one else has it occurred to stop the bus. And it seems that those in favor of speeding up are gaining the upper hand; they are driven by the idea that if they get there faster everything will be okay. Federal Government. *start* 17580 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 15 Jan 91 14:44:55 PST (Tuesday) Subject: Life 6.T From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- A boxer suffers from insomnia. A friend advises: "Try counting till you get asleep." Next day: "It didn't work: at 9 I always got up again." ---------------------------------------------------- POLICEMAN : "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." MAN : "What's the charge?" POLICEMAN : "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service. ---------------------------------------------------- Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. JUDGE : What were you doing? 1ST MAN : Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond. JUDGE : And what were you doing? 2ND MAN : I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too." JUDGE : Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well? 3RD MAN : No, sir. I AM Peanuts! ---------------------------------------------------- If George Bush wants to provoke a war, he should arrange for Roseanne Barr to sing the Iraqi national anthem. ---------------------------------------------------- During an operatic concert at the Festival Hall, while the nervous soprano was fumbling her way noisily through her role in Don Giovanni, one man in the audience turned to his friend and whispered : "What do you think of this singer's execution?" "Oh, I'm all for it." was the reply. ---------------------------------------------------- A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone. ---------------------------------------------------- `You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?' `Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.' ---------------------------------------------------- The following are from the San Jose Mercury News, 28 October, 1990: Wrong place, wrong time ----------------------- Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case. In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift. Rory Johnson, 29, was arrested in May for a liquor store robbery in Elkhart, Ind. Johnson had parked in the back of the store to facilitate his getaway but had trouble exiting because of congestion due to road construction. Five minutes after the robbery, he was sitting in his car, having moved only a few feet, and liquor store employees pointed him out to police. ---------------------------------------------------- Quoted from Martin Snapp's election results in the Oakland Tribune: Politician with the most staying power: Judge Frank Ogden of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who was re-elected with 91 percent of the votes, despite the fact that he died three months ago. Moral: In Chicago, dead people vote. In Oklahoma, they get elected. ---------------------------------------------------- A graphic design takes an award at Harold's Chicken Shack in Hyde Park, Chicago. This sign that has a large "NO" on the left, and smaller lettering on the right saying: "DOGS / EATING / BICYCLES" ---------------------------------------------------- In a recent Columbus Dispatch, a photo of two billboards, one above the other. The top one is a typical campaign ad: "Reelect Chalmers Wylie", photo, "fine record", etc. etc. The bottom one is one from a series of teaser ads, the punch line to be revealed in a few days. It says, simply, in huge letters: Why? The billboard company swears the juxtaposition is not intentional. ---------------------------------------------------- In a 1st year practical class today, I saw "fine tuning" of a program taken to a new extreme. The student was using audible output from a PC to tell him where he was up to in his program. Each audible output was a different note. Thus, as his program ran, he could "hear" where it was up to. Needless to say it provided much amusment for those around him..... This certainly opens a new market for debugging tools and other products. "I'll take Wordperfect in C major, with Quatro in E flat." The sales assistants would certainly have to be sharp! ---------------------------------------------------- (Borrowed from an overhead slide used by a major workstation manufacturer) ---------------- THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS 1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team 2) Announce availability 3) Write the code 4) Write the manual 5) Hire a Product Manager 6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications) 7) Ship 8) Test (the customers are a big help here) 9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements 10) Announce the upgrade program ---------------------------------------------------- From: brian@ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor) From: pmd@cbvox.att.com (Paul M Dubuc) Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian Subject: What You Can Do to the Bible With A Computer Date: 29 Oct 90 07:23:47 GMT Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories I thought some here might get a kick out of this. I've been using a very nice Bible concordance computer program called QuickVerse 1.21 from Parsons Technology. Recently they offered me an upgrade to QuickVerse 2.0 which I promptly took and recently received and installed. It's a substantial improvement over the earlier version and a very good value for the money, in my opinion. There was just one problem with my RSV upgrade. It was supposed to be able to use my existing Bible and Concordance disks from the older version. Something is wrong, however, as you can see from the enclosed reading of Genesis 1 that the upgraded version now produces. I called Parsons and they are quickly working on a fix to the upgrade. Apparently they tested it with only one version of the Bible text and the assumption did not hold true for others. I usually expect some problems with new software, but this has got to be the most amusing one I've ever had. Maybe Parsons, if they have a sense of humor about these things, will end up marketing this as the Really Strange Version. Genesis 1 (RSV) In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. {2} The earth was withstand form and voluntarily, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirits of God was mowed overbearing the face of the waterskins. {3} And God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. {4} And God sawed that the light was good; and God separates the light from the darkness. {5} God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Nighthawk. And there was evening and there was mornings, one day. {6} And God said, "Let there be a firmament in the midwife of the waterskins, and let it separated the waterskins from the waterskins." {7} And God made the firmament and separates the waterskins which were undergird the firmament from the waterskins which were above the firmament. And it was so. {8} And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was mornings, a secret day. {9} And God said, "Let the waterskins undergird the heavens be gathered tohu into one placed, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. {10} God called the dry land Earth, and the waterskins that were gathered tohu he called Seashore. And God sawed that it was good. {11} And God said, "Let the earth puteoli forth vehement, plaster yields seeds, and fruit trellis bearing fruit in which is their seeds, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. {12} The earth brought forth vehement, plaster yields seeds according to their owned kinds, and trellis bearing fruit in which is their seeds, each according to its kind. And God sawed that it was good. {13} And there was evening and there was mornings, a thirds day. {14} And God said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separated the day from the nighthawk; and let them be for sihon and for seat and for days and yellow, {15} and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so. {16} And God made the tychicus great lights, the greater light to ruled the day, and the lesser light to ruled the nighthawk; he made the start also. {17} And God seth them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, {18} to ruled overbearing the day and overbearing the nighthawk, and to separated the light from the darkness. And God sawed that it was good. {19} And there was evening and there was mornings, a fourth day. {20} And God said, "Let the waterskins bring forth swarthy of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." {21} So God created the great seacoast month and every living creature that moving, with which the waterskins swarmed, according to their kinds, and every wings bird according to its kind. And God sawed that it was good. {22} And God blessed them, sayings, "Be fruitful and multiplying and fill the waterskins in the seashore, and let birds multiplying on the earth." {23} And there was evening and there was mornings, a fifth day. {24} And God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping think and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. {25} And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And God sawed that it was good. {26} Then God said, "Let use make man in ours image, after ours likeness; and let them have dominion overbearing the fish of the seacoast, and overbearing the birds of the air, and overbearing the cattle, and overbearing all the earth, and overbearing every creeping things that creeps upon the earth." {27} So God created man in his owned image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. {28} And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiplying, and fill the earth and subdued it; and have dominion overbearing the fish of the seacoast and overbearing the birds of the air and overbearing every living things that moving upon the earth." {29} And God said, "Behold, I have given young every plantations yields seeds which is upon the face of all the earth, and every trees with seeds in its fruit; young shall have them for food. {30} And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plantations for food." And it was so. {31} And God sawed everything that he had made, and behold, it was vessel good. And there was evening and there was mornings, a sixty day. -- Paul Dubuc att!cbvox!pmd ---------------------------------------------------- / net.rumor / mmm!mrgofor / Mar 19, 1986 / This story did not happen to me, and I disremember where I heard it, so it may not be true, but it's interesting nonetheless, so... There was a computer system that was experiencing intermittent power failures that were proving impossible to track down. Every means of recording device and electrical filter was used, but to no avail. The power failures always seemed to happen soon after lunch time, but for no apparent reason. After months of agonizing work, the technician finally figured it out: The room on the other side of the wall from the computer room was the men's bathroom. The grounding for the computer room circuits went to the water pipes that serviced one of the toilets. The building was rather old, and the toilets were in some need of repair. It seems that when one sat on the toilet seat, the weight of the sittee would cause the whole construction to lean forward a bit - not much, but enough to cause the marginally attached grounding wires to separate from the water pipes as the pipes bent along with the toilet - voila - the computer re-boots. I bet that was a hard one to track down! ---------------------------------------------------- This reminds me of a story from the dark ages of computing - when the Computing Center at a major university had both a monopoly on computing resources and a policy of "no frivolous use of the computer(s)". The CC, in its unchallengable wisdom and power, had decreed a single file-and-compute server for a university with about 35,000 undergraduates. Much of the hardware was purchased with grant money, and the grants included strings that in essence required billing real $ for every microsecond of crunch, and guaranteeing the granting agencies a usage fee no higher than that charged any other user. (So the No F. Use bit wasn't JUST puritanism - the guys who kicked in the megabucks were likely to get irate.) And the sysops didn't realize how popular the first text-only Startrek game would be until it was well-known and chewing up significant computer resources. You can imagine what came next. They removed it. It reappeared. They removed it again. Several users had made copies, and some of them announced where copies could be found. They wrote a program to search the entire filesystem for copies. Several encrypted copies were announced on the grapevine. They upgraded the program to search for these encrypted copies. And the war continued, with progressively more redundant copies using progressively more of the disk farm, and the encryption methods evolving under the selection pressure of the system administrators' decryption efforts. Like any war, it began to have effects outside the actual battle. (One observer placed a line to the effect of "Kirk Spock Enterprise NCC-1701 klingon phaser photon torpedo Federation" in a datafile used by a perfectly legitimate application, blasted the administrators through channels when the file vanished, and gleefully showed me how the usecount of the restored file kept rising, as the Startrekfinder kept finding it, and the CC administrators kept examining it to see if it was part of a hidden game.) But, also like any war, destruction befell innocent bystanders. And, like any crusaders out to destroy sin, the staff didn't catch on from the early, minor incidents, and kept increasing their efforts. What finally ended it was a pair of almost simultaneous hits on valuable files. The lesser incident was the destruction of a file named "Kirk", owned by a student nicknamed "Kirk", and containing coursework completely unrelated to the Great Interstellar War. The greater was medical. It seems a drug company was in the late stages of testing a new drug, and had paid the university over a half-million (1970's) dollars to run one of the tests. The drug in question had an effect on the endocrine system, and one of the measures of this effect was the length of the penises of male rats who had matured under influence of the drug. The project was near completion, the (rather large number of) rats had been grown, and as they were retired from the experiment, during its carefully-scheduled last few weeks, measurements made on each were filed on the exceedingly-well-maintained-and-backed-up central computing utility. One day the researcher logged on to enter the latest set of measurements, and found that the contents of the file named "RAT_PENIS_DATA" had been replaced by a short tirade about improper use of the computing center resources. You can imagine what hit the fan. The center staff, of course, in their War on Fun, had not taken care to preserve the latest state of the file they had blasted. Indeed, the file name had been, in their minds, a minor side-issue during their assault on the Startrek Plague. Yet the research was to prepare the drug for use on humans - with potential liabilities far exceeding the half-meg-plus pricetag of the research - and potential damage to the big U's reputation resulting in loss of lucrative research contracts ditto. Would error- corrections applied to the file between the last backup and the destruction be re-applied correctly? Was the CC prepared to pay for the extra costs incurred by Biochem as it completely re-entered the data from the notes, re-ran the experiment if it couldn't resolve any differences to the satisfaction of the FDA, and pay the drug company for the lost sales if it delayed the introduction of a useful drug? Thus, goes the story, did the war end. But the repercussions didn't stop, of course. The war had left lingering fallout, in the form of alienated clients of the Computing Ceter, and the center's destruction of valuable data provided an extra round to be used against the Center whenever a department was trying to obtain computers of its own, over the Center's opposition. *start* 15729 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 19 Jan 91 22:46:16 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 6.U From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What does Saddam Hussein want for Thanksgiving? A: Turkey. ---------------------------------------------------- HOTEL MANAGER: Well Mr Sloop, did you enjoy your stay here with us? GUEST : Yes, but I'm a bit upset about leaving the place now that I've practically bought it. ---------------------------------------------------- What do you call a Yugo that just hit a squirrel? Totaled! ---------------------------------------------------- The gunman (his name is A.Shmonov), who made an attempt to kill Soviet President M.Gorbachev during the demonstration on the Red Square in Moscow on November 7, was asked by KGB, why he had failed. "Well, - answered A.Shmonov, - I failed because a lot of people were trying to take away my gun". "And what they were saying at that moment?" "Each of them was saying: give the gun to me, please, let ME try to do it!" ---------------------------------------------------- The Latin-American diplomat was describing his country to members of a women's knitting circle in Calafornia. "Our most popular sport is bull-fighting," he declared. One sweet old lady, obviously upset at the thought of so bloodthirsty a spectacle, said : "But isn't that REVOLTING?" "No, madame," said the Latin, with a wide smile, "that is our second most popular sport." ---------------------------------------------------- A Texas kindergarden teacher informed her class that the next day, she would teach them how to draw. Yep, that's right! The following day, 6 youngsters showed up with pistols! ---------------------------------------------------- From Pakistan: Two schoolboys were late for school one day. Headmaster to first kid : Why are you late? First Kid : Both of us were waiting for the bus and I dropped a quarter on the sidewalk. I missed the bus because I was searching for my quarter. Headmaster to second kid : And why are you late? Second kid : I was standing on his quarter. ---------------------------------------------------- Tina Brown, 36, editor of Vanity Fair, on why she put Cher instead of Marla Maples on the cover of the November issue: In light of the Gulf crisis, we thought a brunette was more appropriate. ---------------------------------------------------- In today's San Jose paper there is a flyer for Oshman's Sporting Goods which features a "sale price" on a "K2 Complete Ski Package" (skis, binding, boots, installation and tune) for $429.97. "If purchased separately: $354.98." (I always wondered about the phrase: "Cheap at Half the Price!" Most things ARE cheap at half the price. However, retailers rarely are willing to SELL to you at half the price. "Cheap at TWICE the price" would seem to be the way to describe items which are really cheap! But then, this is America, where East-Coasters say: "I couldn't care less!" and West-Coasters say: "I could care less!" and they both mean the same thing!) ---------------------------------------------------- From: mtxinu!research!ches@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU Date: Wed, 11 May 88 18:18:59 PDT Letter to the editor in the Santa Cruz Sentinel 5/8/88. (We have a water shortage problem). I read in your paper that during the water shortage, we should put a brick in the toilet to save water. I want to be a good person. I want to help save water, too, so I folllowed your suggestion. The only thing I can say about that little experiment is, don't try it. The first time I used the toilet after the brick was in, the paper and the other stuff got all clogged up around it and when I flushed it, the toilet overflowed all over the place. I had to reach down in there and fish that brick out with my bare hands. Then it took me about an hour to mop the place up. Why do you do these things to your readers? Is this your idea of a joke? Goodness knows, I try. I try to do the right thing, but this kind of stuff has got to go. I demand a retraction, so that the rest of the people out there don't have to endure the same kind of terrible experience I did. ---------------------------------------------------- The following is from the L.A. Times Magazine Nov.11,1990: Brief anecdotes from the Dumb Crook News an occasional feature of Out Front from the Charlotte Observer. Robbery victims inspected a lineup up of 5 men in San Diego. Each of the men in the lineup were ordered to step forward and say,"Give me all the money-and I need some change in quarters and dimes. The first two men got it right. The third man stepped forward and said, "That isn't what I said." A man in Delaware represented himselft at his trial for robbing a woman at a gas station. In cross-examining a detective he said," Why are you talking about some witness, man? There was only me and her at the store." ---------------------------------------------------- There was a bank robber once that was *so* stupid that he tried to have the teller deposit the money he was stealing into his own bank account! I think don't the police required *any* deduction to find him. ---------------------------------------------------- The somewhat dumb but pretty girl in the bank stood at the window of the cashier's desk and smiled. "I'd like to cash this cheque, please," she said, handing it over. The clerk examined the cheque, then said : "Could you identify yourself, Miss?" For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!" ---------------------------------------------------- "What's the best way to balance a checkbook using a computer? Sell the computer and deposit the money." Jon Bentley, quoted in "Life with UNIX" ---------------------------------------------------- From: mikej@lilink.com (Michael R. Johnston) Subject: Computers are people too I overheard this conversation in our "tech support" department the other day: TECH #1: "This silly key keeps repeating." TECH #2: "Is your key depressed?" TECH #1: "I don't know how it feels." ---------------------------------------------------- From: Zap@cup.portal.com (Tim Philip Cadell) Subject: Another TRS-80 story Date: 4 Feb 89 When I used to work at a Radio Shack store, we got a call one day from a man who was trying to load a program (Blackjack, I believe) off of tape into a TRS-80 Model I computer and run it. A friend of mine went to the phone and told him that after he loaded it, type "R U N" and press enter. He got a syntax error and after reading it back, it turned out that he had typed "Are You In?" and pressed enter. ---------------------------------------------------- From: paulz@sco.com (W. Paul Zola) Organization: The Santa Cruz Operation, Inc. Subject: Helpful compiler error message Here is my favorite compiler error: (from MPW C) Too many erors on one line (make fewer) ---------------------------------------------------- From the Star Fleet Programmer's Style Guide: (1) If your robot is programmed to destroy all imperfection, make sure it excludes itself (the "Nomad" rule). (2) Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi. (3) Be sure your machines are programmed to ignore Three Stooges routines (This is known as Harry Mudd's Law). (4) Self-destruct routines are never carried through, so there is no need to program them as anything more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure the countdown always runs past 1, to the last millisecond before the ship blows up, for dramatic values. (5) Include standard protections against viruses, trojans, worms, and the ghosts of 19th-Century serial killers. (6) Women programmers are not allowed, as they *always* program the computer to giggle and call the captain, "Honey." We have enough virility problems because they make us wear tights and those silly boots and velour shirts. We don't need this, too. ---------------------------------------------------- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #19 -- C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. ---------------------------------------------------- Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. 6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. ---------------------------------------------------- There was this man in a mental hospital, all day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said I don't hear anything. The mental patient said yea, I know, it's been like that for months. ---------------------------------------------------- This man knocked on the door and a lady answered. He asked her if she had any food she could give him. This lady said well what's wrong with you, you look strong and healthy enough to go out and get a job. But the man said he couldn't, that no body would give him a job and all he had to eat was this rock he had in his pocket. Well, this lady got curious about how this man was going to eat a rock, so she decided to let him come in and eat his rock. When the man came in he asked the lady if he could warm up his rock on her stove. He asked her for a frying pan. She gave him one. Then He told her if I only had a little bit of cooking oil I could cook my rock real good, so the lady real curious, gave him some cooking oil. The lady watched the man stir his rock around. Then the man said to the lady if I only had some onion It would make this rock taste so good. So the lady gave him some onion. The he said if I only had a tomato it would really be good, this rock would just have the best taste. So she gave him a tomato. The guy stirred his rock with the onion and tomato. Then the guy told the lady if she would happen to have two eggs, that the eggs would really do his rock good. So she gave him two eggs. He stirred up all this in the frying pan. And when he was done, she gave him a plate to put it on. She was now so curious about how this man was going to eat this rock and how the rock would get flavor from the other stuff. So she just watched the guy. He sat down and started to eat. He ate all the food around the rock and kept pushing the rock aside. Finally all that was left on his plate was the rock. The lady asked him if he was going to eat his rock. He told her he was already full so he decided to save his rock for later. ---------------------------------------------------- Treu Story The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve.... The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car. MORAL: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone. *start* 15383 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 23 Jan 91 16:35:53 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 6.V From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than World War II. Oh, great...more Time-Life books--Jay Leno ---------------------------------------------------- How to tell the species of bear you are looking at: Go over to him, and kick him in the behind. Run up a nearby tree. If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear. If he knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly. -- October 1990 Backpacker Magazine ---------------------------------------------------- o Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded...you don't have to be very good to get people's attention. ---------------------------------------------------- People have one thing in common--they are all different. ---------------------------------------------------- A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen: Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they? Grandpa: Nope. Teen: Well what did you guys use for safe sex? Grandpa: A wedding ring. ---------------------------------------------------- From: linden@adapt.Sun.COM (Peter van der Linden) True story from beautiful downtown Mountain View, in the heart of Silicon Valley, California... The town council recently decided to change the name of "Escuela School" when some spoilsport told them that "escuela" is Spanish for "school", and hence the academy was known as "School school" The council accepted my suggestion that it be named after city founder Woodrow Ecole, and it will now be known as "Ecole School". Hint: "ecole" is French for "school". ---------------------------------------------------- Mark Twain was at a dinner party where he gave one of his customary after-dinner speeches. When he had finished a prominent lawyer stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets and said "Doesn't it strike this company as unusual that a professional humorist should be so funny?" Mark Twain came back with "Doesn't it strike this company as unusual that a lawyer should have both hands in his own pockets?" ---------------------------------------------------- You might be a Redneck if Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off of it. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs ---------------------------------------------------- Eleven tons of human hair was stolen from a factory in West Fliptown this morning. Police are combing the area. ---------------------------------------------------- I regret to inform you that one of the California Raisins died earlier today. Police are still looking for clues. So far, the only thing they know is that it was a cereal killer. ---------------------------------------------------- On tonight's NBC evening news, Tom Brokaw described a major fire in Boston but reported that 'there were no serious deaths or injuries'. Depends on your point of view, I guess. ---------------------------------------------------- What is the value of PI? Mathematician: approximately 3.1415927.. Physicist: it's 3.1416 Engineer: a little more than 3 ---------------------------------------------------- *How they knew it was a deer: The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer. The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. ---------------------------------------------------- From a posting to rec.humor: A Mathemetician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process" E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize somrthing that occurs in 9-dimensional space?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9" P.S. I once told this to a M friend of mine. She looked blankly at me and said, "whats funny about that -- that's EXACTLY how you do it!" ---------------------------------------------------- "While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating handsome American movie and TV stars. Stars like Tom Selleck, Bruce Willis, and Bart Simpson." -- Baghdad Betty ---------------------------------------------------- From a friend: Of course there is that restaurant in Toronto with a sign that says ĒJacket and tie only after 6:00 pm.ē Always wished I had the nerve to show up wearing precisely that! (and maybe shoes) ---------------------------------------------------- A peasant came to Moscow, and as he was crossing a bridge he saw a man drowning. He jumped in and saved the man, whereupon the man said to him, "You can have anything you desire; just name it!" The peasant was surprised and said, "Who are you that you could make such an offer?" The man said that he was Joseph Stalin, whereupon the peasant said to him, "In that case, just don't tell anyone I saved you." ---------------------------------------------------- Samuel Goldwyn: A hospital is no place to be sick. Let's have some new cliches. Gentlemen, include me out. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. I paid too much for it, but its worth it. Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. Don't worry about the war. Its all over but the shooting ---------------------------------------------------- The salesman sold a computer system to a far and foreign firm, and upon visiting them several months later he was alarmed to see that it was still in the original packaging. "Anything wrong?" he asked. "No," beamed the accounting manager, "through-put has increased, efficiency has improved no end!" "How's that, then?" "Every morning," he said, "I tell the staff, if you don't work harder and more efficiently, the machine is going to replace you." ---------------------------------------------------- The DP manager died, went to heaven, and had to admit his profession. St. Peter immediately sent him down to Hell ... "Welcome," said the Duty Devil. "You have a choice of three Hells: an IBM hell, a Unisys hell, and an ICL hell." "What's the difference?" asked the cautious DP manager. "Well," said the duty devil, "The IBM hell is 22 hours a day of trying to compile a JCL pack for a 1401 program still running 25 years on, under emulation on a 3990, followed by two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by IBM salesmen." "The Unisys hell is 22 hours a day trying to understand communications protocols based on a thinly disguised 1960s Exec 8 manual, followed by two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by Unisys salesmen." "The ICL hell is 22 hours a day of trying to convert a George 3 program to run under ICLs current OS, whatever that is, followed by two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by ICL salesmen." On hearing this, the DP manager looked worried. A passing Imp took pity on him, and suggested that he try the ICL hell. Upon being asked to explain, the Imp said, "Well, they never learn in the ICL hell. By the time the salesman have collected the wood to make the cross, found the hardware support engineers and gotten them to nail the bits together, and then called out for the coal, the two hours are almost always over." ---------------------------------------------------- David Chesler vs. The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles: DC: How soon after this registration is effective do I have to get inspected? RMV: Oh, right away. DC: The same day? RMV: No, seven days. ===================== DC: OK, here's your money. By the way, what's the penalty for operating an uninspected vehicle around here? RMV: Oh, they'd fine you. DC: Thanks. RMV: Here's your registration. DC: How come no one has asked to see the bill of sale? RMV: The vehicle is over ten years old, we don't care. DC: But I could have stolen the thing! RMV: It's over ten years old, it doesn't matter. ---------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 24 Dec 90 18:56:00 PST Weather Stops Thief Cold OLATHE, Kan. (AP) A man who allegedly held up a fast food restaurant while wearing a George Bush mask was arrested after his car wouldn't start and he asked the restaurant manager for a jump start. Olathe police were holding an 18-year-old Texas man, who was not immediately identified. He was in the parking lot trying to jump start his car in frigid cold when officers arrived about 12:30 a.m. Sunday. "When he went to leave, his car wouldn't start, so he went back in and asked the manager for a jump start," Olathe police Lt. Vernon Watson said. Watson said the man was being held in the Johnson County Jail pending arraignment. He was expected to be charged with attempted aggravated robbery and aggravated kidnapping. Another police spokesman, Lt. Larry Griffin, said today that he couldn't explain why the man would be charged with attempted robbery rather than robbery, except that he never left the restaurant's property. Police said the restaurant manager found the masked man in a restroom after the shop had closed. Brandishing an air pistol, the robber forced employees to open a safe and then locked them in a cooler. Then, when his car wouldn't start, the man brought the manager outside with him to work on the car, Watson said. The manager had called police through a computer and officers surprised the man while he was trying to get the car started, Watson said. The man had been in the area only a few days and was staying in a motel, he said. Olathe is just south of Kansas City, where the temperature at the time of the robbery was 2 degrees. ---------------------------------------------------- Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker. Author Unknown ---------------------------------------------------- _Spy_ magazine research has uncovered some shocking facts about Santa Clause and his distribution of presents: Excluding non-Christians and bad children, Santa must visit 91.8 million homes within the 31 hours of Christmas Eve darkness afforded by the Earth's rotation. He must travel at least 72,522,000 miles, not counting ocean crossings. Given his 31-hour deadline, he must maintain a speed of 650 miles per second. Assuming 2 pounds of presents per child, his sleigh must carry a load of 321,300 tons, plus a hefty Santa. The massive sleigh requires 214,200 reindeer to pull it, increasing the total Santa payload to 353,430 tons. The 353,430 tons of reindeer and presents traveling at 650 miles per second would create massive heat and air resistance, with the two lead reindeer absorbing 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each, causing them to burst into spectacular, multicolored flames, almost instantaneously! *start* 17180 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 28 Jan 91 10:06:48 PST (Monday) Subject: Life 7.1 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- How do you get 100 Iraqies in a phone box ? Tell them it's not theirs. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard a rumor that Saddam was off creating the new Iraqi flag. Understand its all white. (Or maybe white on white) ---------------------------------------------------- did you hear that [your favorite ethnic group] sent 50,000 of its troops to the gulf? Mexico doesn't know what to do with them. ---------------------------------------------------- TOP USES FOR THE REMAINS OF BAGHDAD United States garbage dumping ground. A new place for the Ethiopians to live. Film shooting site for Ghandi 2. A great place for a new Disneyland. Archaeological excavation to look for dinosaur bones and/or ancient Indian burial grounds. A reason not to use drugs. Funny material for Kuwaiti comedians. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear the bad news about the crisis in the Gulf? Jane Fonda's going to Baghdad to speak to Hussein.... The good news is -- Ted Kennedy's driving her to the airport! ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam has said wars cannot be won with computers; just now on NPR news the newswoman misspoke (later correcting herself) and said: Baghdad is still putting up strong anti-aircraft files... ---------------------------------------------------- (per Jay Leno) Where did they get the name SCUD??? I think it stands for Stupid, Crazy, Ugly Dictator! Just found out that in 1969 Saddam Hussein got his law degree. No wonder people hate him - he's a lawyer. Hussein will be upset to hear that Rand McNally came out with their 1991 map. Iraq isn't on it. ---------------------------------------------------- Kuwaiti business bumper sticker: What if Kuwait's main product was broccoli? ---------------------------------------------------- From: scocur@attc.UUCP (Scott Currier) There once was a man named Hussien That everyone thought was insane he dropped bombs made of gas just to increase his cash and told us Bush was to blame ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What is Iraq's biggest export in the 90s expected to be? A: Glass. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: HOW MANY TERRORISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? A: NONE; THEY HOLD AMERICANS HOSTAGE AND MAKE THEM DO IT. DID YOU HEAR OF THE SADDAM HUSSEIN DOLL? YOU WIND HIM UP AND HE HOLDS KEN AND BARBIE HOSTAGE AT THE GAS PUMP. HOW DO YOU GET A TERRORIST ON YOUR CASE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN? BREATHE. ---------------------------------------------------- In the wake of news reports concerning "Civilian targets" being bombed - There is a report that the Iraquii National Library was totally destroyed by Allied bombings. Both of Iraq's books were destroyed. The worst part is, one wasn't even finished being colored in ! ---------------------------------------------------- From: tracy@sirius.cc.utexas.edu (Tracy LaQuey) My parents own a self-serve coin operated car wash as a side business. They have a sign on which they put corny sayings and advertisements. This week's says: Be a Patriot Wash the Scud off Here Dad says business is pretty good. ---------------------------------------------------- For those of you who've just spent a week in the closet, here is the war so far: * We attacked in the air, with precision bombing raids. * Iraq has fired about twenty missiles at countries who either weren't in the war, or were countries that he was calling on to help him. Most missed. About five hit, destroying one portaloo and almost injuring the family dog. * Iraq has taken some prisoners and given them free hallucinogenics. * SiliCorp, the major glass manufacturer, has dropped 20 points on the exchange. The reason is believed to be an iminent over-supply of glass - several thousand square kilometers, in fact. ---------------------------------------------------- What Saddam said vs what really happened: What he said happened: 144 Coalition planes shot down What really happened: 10 Coalition planes shot down What he said happened: Military, industrial and scientific targets attacked in Tel Aviv. What really happened: Breakfast nook destroyed, owner out of town. What he said happened: Coalition bombing caused minor damage to residential areas of Bagdhad. What really happened: Iraqi military infrastructure destroyed. What he said happened: Saudi Arabia bathed in blood of traitors. What really happened: Trash dumpster damaged, porch light went out (might be unrelated). What he said happened: Tel Aviv has become a crematorium. What really happened: See "Military, industrial and scientific attacked in Tel Aviv" above... What he said happened: Scud missile salvos laid waste to Daharan and Riyadh. What really happened: Patriot manafacturer Raytheon's stock goes up 4 5/8ths in one day. What he said happened: Frog missiles scored devastating attack on Coalition forces. What really happened: Hole made in sand dune. What he said is happening: Arabs worldwide are joining Iraq in Holy War What is really happening: Arabs worldwide are watching "Holy War" on CNN ---------------------------------------------------- Another modest suggestion: solving five problems at once Problems to be solved: 1) The B52 pilots >really< want to make bombing runs on beautiful downtown Baghdad, but we've promised not to target ordnance on civilians. 2) The allies want to bring Iraq's economy to its knees. 3) The parachute manufacturers are going broke: far fewer than the expected number of allied pilots are using parachutes. 4) The US has an unemployment problem in the legal profession. 5) The US is having to go hat in hand to beg money for the war effort from its allies. So... I suggest we pack up our surplus lawyers in B52's, instead of bombs, generously let them take all their law books and money with them, fly them over Baghdad and drop them on Saddam's economy like a ton of grit-in-the-gears bricks. As a humanitarian gesture, we should let them bid for parachutes before dropping them. To keep the bidding spirited, we should arrange that there be one fewer parachutes than lawyers per bombing run. All proceeds to go to fund the war effort. The effect of all the surviving lawyers on Iraq's economy should be every bit as crippling as it has previously been on the US economy. ---------------------------------------------------- * * * * TECHNOLOGY UPDATE * * * * MOTOROLA EDGED OUT IN FABRICATION TECHNOLOGY ____________________________________________ FOR VLSI (VERY LARGE-SCALE INTEGRATION) CIRCUITS ________________________________________________ Austin, TX - Recognition for the greatest expertise in the fabrication of physically large integrated circuits is generally accorded to Motorola's Austin-based Solid State Devices group. Although some low volume and special application integrated circuits by other manufacturers exhibit larger physical dimensions, Motorola handily beats all others in the field of "mass produced" chips, having several standard items which are fabricated on a single, continuous, silicon crystal base of 420 mils by 420 mils. Industry talk is that this distinction will be lost within the next few weeks as the 327th Strategic Bomb Wing of the U.S. Air Force releases plans to produce a single, continuous silicon crystal measuring 2,200 kilometers by 2,200 kilometers. Refusing to reveal specifics of the project, Air Force press officer, Major Robert Dugan, did acknowledge that the crystal would probably be produced using "existing technology" and that it would be produced at the Air Force's Middle-East Test Facility (METF). Motorola spokesmen were unavailable for comment. ---------------------------------------------------- Dorothy Parker said: "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." To which someone responded: Not true. It all depends on their frames." ---------------------------------------------------- Daniel D'Errico:ROCH: Power corrupts, but we still need the electricity. ---------------------------------------------------- "Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed." (Bruce Springsteen) ---------------------------------------------------- DoubleSpeak You forgot "guests," as Mister Saddam might say "Put 200 guests at the poison gas factory, 50 at each of the air bases, and all the rest around Baghdad." My personal favorite was in the Baker/Aziz meeting in Geneva, when Aziz claimed that Iraq was just "defending" itself from Kuwait. ---------------------------------------------------- Whats your own personal definition of hell? Parallel parking a stick-shift VW bus in San Francisco, on a hill. ---------------------------------------------------- Not sure where to put it: At the University of Queensland, the magazine "Byte" is held in 3 Departmental libraries: 1. The Engineering Library 2. The Architecture and Music Library 3. The Dentistry Library ---------------------------------------------------- What do you give to a congressman who has everything? An investigation! ---------------------------------------------------- The defendant's lawyer in a murder case whispered to the foreman of the jury, "It's worth $10,000 to my client if you can arrange a verdict of second degree manslaughter." Sure enough, this was the verdict arrived at so the lawyer visited the foreman later, thanked him, and paid him the money. The foreman said, "It wasn't easy. All the others wanted an aquittal." ---------------------------------------------------- According to the LA Times: Every second of the day two things happen: the Hormel Company makes 7.2 cans of SPAM and 3.8 cans of SPAM are consumed in the United States. Where do the remaining 3.4 cans go? ---------------------------------------------------- Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary? No, But I remind him of it in January & June and get two anniversary gifts each year. ---------------------------------------------------- A nervous passenger on an elevator asked the operator, "What would happen if the cable broke? Would we go up or down?" The operator replied, "That, madam, depends on the life you have lead." ---------------------------------------------------- That guys' girlfriend is moving her business and organizes a party to celebrate the move. Her friend can't attend the party, so he decides to have her sent a floral arrangement with a good luck banner instead. The next day, he calls his girlfriend to ask whether she received the flowers. Her: "Yes, I did receive them, but I'm not sure what you meant by the message on the banner." Him: "Why, what did it say ?" Her: "Rest in peace." Him: "I feel terrible, the florist must have made a mistake and switched banners with someone elses' !" Her: "I did throw a cold at the party !" Him: "I can't but imagine the cold the other banner must have thrown at someones' funeral." Her: "Why, what was on it?" Him: "Best of luck in your new location!" ---------------------------------------------------- The editor of the NY Times was working late one night when the phone rang. It was God and He sounded mad. "Look, I visited earth recently and I went to the Mapplethorpe exhibit and didn't like it and I saw what a mess there is in the Middle East and I've had it! I'm going to destroy the earth on Thursday at 4PM!" The editor was taken aback but managed to ask, "Is this an exclusive for the Times?" God replied "No, I'm talking to several major media outlets." So the next morning the headlines read: NY Times: World To Be Destroyed - The End Will Be 4PM Thursday Wall St. Journal: World To End - Markets To Close Early NY Daily News: God To Earth: Drop Dead! Boston Globe (or Washington Post or ...): Earth To Be Destroyed - Women And Minorities To Be Hit Hardest ---------------------------------------------------- A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden... After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... "Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.. " Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license !!" " Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"... ---------------------------------------------------- Two U.S. Navy enlisted men were charged with theft of Paula Thistle's car phone in April near Annapolis, Md. After she discovered the phone missing, she called the phone's number, told the man who answered that she was "lonely," made a date with him, and arranged for police to make the arrest when the man showed up for the date. ---------------------------------------------------- Federal agents arrested Gary and David Gross of Alpharetta, Ga., in April for attempting to counterfeit $4.5 million with a printing job described by agents as "poor," done on an offset press. The agents were tipped off by a store owner, who said the two had bought the linen paper used in currency and then asked the owner if he had any green ink that "matched the ink on a one-dollar bill." ---------------------------------------------------- Wealthy Brazilians, exasperated by a phenomenal increase in crime, have taken to keeping lions to guard their homes. In one Sao Paulo condominium development, crime dropped from 15 incidents a month to none - after a lion almost ate a burglar alive in April. ---------------------------------------------------- From: les@Gang-of-Four.Stanford.EDU (Les Earnest) Newsgroups: ba.food I am sorry to hear of the disappearance of Hsi-Nan -- Louie and his restaurants have played a substantial role in the culinary culture of the Stanford area for a quarter century. I recall a particularly amusing incident that happened in his old restaurant in the Palo Alto Town & Country shopping center in the early 1970s -- that was three restaurants ago. After we formed the Stanford AI Lab in the late 1960s, a number of staff members got into the habit of eating one or two meals a day at Louie's, which was one of the few places serving Northern Chinese food at that time. This fascination with Chinese food may have been arrived with immigrants from the MIT AI Project, where a similar cult existed. The Stanford AI Lab had a DEC-10 timesharing computer called SAIL that was badly in need of a new disk system. We observed that the best disks around at that time were made by IBM and their competitors, but there was no way to connect such disks to a DEC system. To get around this, some of the guys decided to design and build a pseudo-IBM channel that connected to the DEC-10. In doing this, they had to learn quit a bit about out how IBM channels worked. The new channel and disk system ended up working quite well. It saved the Lab a lot of money and was turned into a commercial product much later. Jeff Rubin, who had learned how the IBM channel worked and who also frequently ate at Louie's, decided that he wanted to learn Chinese cooking from the master. He negotiated a deal in which he worked part time as a waiter in return for cooking lessons. When working as a waiter, Jeff couldn't help overhearing frequent technical conversations among the denizens of Silicon Valley who came there for lunch, but he generally minded his own business. On one occasion, however, a group of hardware engineers from IBM came in and somehow got into a discussion about how to connect a new peripheral device. Jeff overheard part of the conversation as he came up to take orders and recognized that they had a misconception about how the channel worked, but didn't say anything. When he came back later with the food, they were still talking about it, so as he placed the platters on the table, he said "Actually, it doesn't work like that," and outlined how it really worked. The response was utter silence. In fact, though they whispered a bit to each other after he moved off, he never heard another word of technical discussion from that group. Those engineers may still be puzzling about how a waiter in a Chinese restaurant would know so much about peripheral interfacing, but I'll bet that they were more circumspect when dining out thereafter. *start* 16728 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 31 Jan 91 10:51:00 PST (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.2 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 Selections from Dani Zweig's collection ---------------------------------------------------- "What is it, Lassie? A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is diabetic and needs insulin? Is THAT what you're trying to tell me?" ---------------------------------------------------- "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles ---------------------------------------------------- "Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." - Bertrand Russell ---------------------------------------------------------------- In Hiroshima as well as in Nagasaki, the proportion of genetical mutations is the same as in any town in the rest of the world... ---------------------------------------------------- Who is John Galt? John Galt is Prometheus who changed his mind. He withdrew his fire -- until men withdraw their vultures. -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged ---------------------------------------------------- "One night the USA tilted, and everything that was loose ended up in California." ---------------------------------------------------- Try bleeding underwater, about 30-40 feet down the water has absorbed the frequencies of sunlight required for reds, we bleed green. Freaks out novice divers who cut themselves. Look for this easy to spot flaw in many movies and tv shows. (I recall a number of Bond films where people bled red profusly at great depths where almost all colours have been absorbed by the water above them) ---------------------------------------------------- At the present rate of expansion, by the end of the century, the end of a shelf of Unix manuals will be moving at lightspeed. ..But that's okay, because they aren't carrying any information. ---------------------------------------------------- What would really be helpful: Subject: Re: Worst title >caught my eye. It's title was LIFE: A USER'S MANUAL, and the blurbs on the Bah. What I want is the Administrator's Manual and Configuration Guide. ---------------------------------------------------- Why was Stonehenge abandoned? It wasn't IBM compatible. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hunting wounds From some LA paper, in a column by Roger Simon: "A recently released federal study, however, showed that 50% of all hunting accidents come from hunters falling out of trees." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Year in Rec.Arts.Comics [Excerpts] "OK, so the new new X-Men have been cleared out to make way for the new new new X-Men in _X-Men_, we have the old new X-Men in _Classic X-Men_, and we have the new old X-Men in _X-Factor_. That about sums it up..." ~~~~~ "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." --Chris Jarocha-Ernst ~~~~~ "He avenges the innocent, upholds justice and makes a unique fashion statement." --Detroit Free Press Fashion columnist on Batman ---------------------------------------------------- This story might be apocryphal. On the day of the final exam the professor said, "Anyone who is satisfied with a B may put their name on this list and leave now." When those who wanted to do so had signed and left he said, "The rest of you get As." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: "sensitive" information I agree with the sentiment that the gov't is getting paranoid (especially of late). Someone told me this analogy, which I think is appropriate: The race to build and use technology is like the Indy 500. The scientists and researchers are trying to win this race by building faster and better cars. The government is trying to win by scattering tacks on the racetrack. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: English bases in US? > Are there British bases in the United States? While their existance > seems plausible, I have never heard of any... While I agree with the argument to some degree, it's worth noting that England is a lot closer to the perceived threat than the US is, so there is some geographical influence as well. There are British bases in West Germany, even though West Germany probably has military superiority over Britain (ignoring the nuclear aspect). There are also Canadian bases in Germany, which most emphatically doesn't mean that Canada is more powerful than Germany! (Sigh... That one cuts the other way. There are, effectively, German bases in Canada, because Canada is host to a lot of NATO training facilities. The *embarrassing* part is that there are usually more German tanks in Canada than there are *Canadian* tanks in Canada!) ---------------------------------------------------- From: Aaron Wohl Subject: why brownies are different in pittsburgh After moving to pittsburgh from florida I noticed that when left out for a while that texture of the top of leftover brownies changed. Perhaps this was due to the vast difference in humidity I thought. After many experiments to check on the surface condition of brownies I went into the kitchen one day and the (new) cat was licking the top off the brownies. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Aaron Wohl Subject: Re: Lawyers Actually, my mom is a lawyer. When a client comes in and says that they: a)Want a divorce and will drag it out forever and b)To see that that the other party gets what they deserve and c)To make sure the the wrong doer is revealed for what they are She asks them for a detailed list of all of the property. At this point the client always says with glee: FOR THE COURT? To which she says: No, for me. Since you are going to sqander all your wealth on lawyers fees, I want to know what I am gettting. [at which point they for a quick settlement] ---------------------------------------------------- From: slb@drutx.ATT.COM (Sue Brezden) Subject: IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1987 Date: 1 Jan 88 03:38:44 GMT OK, we all know that 1987 was the "year of the bimbo." (Some of us lobbied for "year of the goddess," but never mind.) However, other important things went down in 1987. Here are a few, courtesy of the Rocky Mountain News. May be copyrighted, so sue me. Yugoslavia indefinitely postponed the execution of convicted Nazi war criminal Andrija Artukovic on the ground of ill health. A rugby player in New Zealand was jailed for six months for biting off the ear of an opponent. The judge ruled that was "not within the normal give-and-take the sport allows." The Soviet newspaper Izvestia reported that 37-year-old Yuliya Vorobyeva was pronounced dead after an electric shock. After two days in the morgue, she woke up and did not sleep again for six months. Then she fell asleep and when she awoke she had X-ray vision, which she now uses to make medical diagnoses by looking inside people. ---------------------------------------------------- A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous. "What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks. "Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw." "But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?" "Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland." "And if the National Bank of Poland fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow." "And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union." "And if that bank fails?" "Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: More in the court heard on one of those starving artist/comedian TV shows: Just once, I would like to see an intelligent witness on the stand: Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder. ---------------------------------------------------- variation on never felt better in my left: The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life. ---------------------------------------------------- >From "Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases" selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen. ********************************* The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fencepost. Counsel: Has the court started it in numerical terms? The Court: His IQ is less than zero. ********************************* Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content? Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors. The Court: Can you get that on mag wheels? Witness: Only on the floor models. ********************************* Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling. Witness: Yes. Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did find some cracking. Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack somewhere. The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't. Counsel: Move to strike -- The Court: No. We are not going to strike it. Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor. The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the whole trial. ********************************* Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. ********************************* Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE TITANIC WASN'T ALONE The Titanic had two sister ships, named...the Olympic, and the Britanic. The Olympic made her maiden voyage in mid 1911. Shortly afterwards she was rammed by the British patrol ship Hawk. This cut a 30 foot gash in her side and she was returned to Belfast. There were a few pictures taken at this time of the Olympic parked next to her new sister, the Titanic. She was refitted and served well her owners. During WWI she was refitted as a troop transport. During the war she was torpedoed once, this was however a dud. In 1918 as she approached England, her skipper noticed a U-boat ready to strike, so he turned the Olympic slightly and rammed the U-boat and sank it. She was the only vessel in that war to do so. In 1920 she returned to service, having been totally refitted with new boilers and an oilburning system, instead of the previous coal system. She proved herself to be a good ocean ferry many times making a voyage at a good 24 knots. She came to be known as old reliable. The White Star Line which owned and operated all of the "ic" class ships went out of business in 1934, and the Olympic was soon part of the Cunard fleet. At this time the Queen Mary was being built and it was decided that many of the older ships would be replaced by her. The Olympic was considered one of the older ships, although she was only 23 years old. It seemed that the great ship knew her time was about up, for on a foggy night near Nantucket the Olympic rammed the Nantucket lightship!!! Nearly all the members of the lightship's crew were killed, and the Olympic made headlines again. In the summer of 1935 she was removed from service and was scrapped in 1937. The other sister was the Britanic...she never made a maiden voyage due to the fact of war service. In 1915 she became the hospital ship Britanic ...everyone felt very safe in her for her builders said "She has been built to withstand all the damage that her sister had sucumbed to". In 1916 in the Mediterranean, she was struck by a mine or a torpedo. She sank in less than an hour with damage, not unlike her sisters. Of the three vewssels only one made it to New York. Not a good average, eh? ---------------------------------------------------------------- On Tom Swifties: Not many dictionaries define "Tom Swifty". One that does is _The Random House Dictionary of the English Language_ (1966): Tom Swiftie, a play on words that follows an unvarying pattern and relies for its humor on a punning relationship between the way an adverb describes a speaker and at the same time refers significantly to the import of the speaker's statement, as in _"I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted darkly._ [named after a narrative mannerism characteristic of the _Tom Swift_ American series of adventure novels for boys] In actual use, "Tom Swifty" seems to have a somewhat broader meaning, and includes the form christened "croakers" by Roy Bongartz, wherein a verb rather than an adverb supplies the pun (e.g. "I'm dying", he croaked). "Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?" asked Tom unselfconsciously. Tom Swift was the brainchild of Edward L. Stratemeyer (1862-1930). Stratemeyer first used the name "Tom Swift" for the title character in "Shorthand Tom; or, the exploits of a young reporter", serialized in 1894. Sixteen years later he re-used the name for a new character, an ingenious youth whose amazing scientific inventions and discoveries would carry him to weird and wonderful places. The Tom Swift adventure series, which was published under the pseudonym Victor Appleton, began with _Tom Swift and his motor-cycle; or Fun and Adventure on the road_ in 1910, and continued until 1935 (5 years after Stratemeyer's death!). Stratemeyer was also the creator of the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and other lesser-known series. Stratemeyer only supplied the characters and the (repetitive) plots for his books; he had a syndicate of some 20 hack writers to do the actual writing. After his death the syndicate was taken over by his daughter, Harriet S. Adams, who in 1954 started the "Tom Swift, Jr." series under the pseudonym Victor Appleton II. The "narrative mannerism" that the Random House Dictionary mentions was not the Tom Swifty as such, but merely the laboured avoidance of the unadorned use of the word "said". Tom never merely "said" anything; he asserted, asseverated, averred, chuckled, declared, ejaculated, expostulated, grinned (plainly or mischievously), groaned, or smiled. In particular, sentences of the form: "---", said Tom ---ly. were used ad nauseam. Then one day day someone decided to satirize the mannerism by using puns, and the Tom Swifty was born. I am ignorant of who first used the humorous form of Tom Swifty, or of whether the form is older than the name. I seem to recall once reading that "'One or two lumps?' she asked sweetly" dates from the early part of this century, but I have lost the reference. Perhaps it was Dorothy Parker or one of her fellow Algonquin wits, who were fond of a game called "Give me a sentence", where the challenged party had to supply a sentence punning on a given word. ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 11104 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 7 Feb 91 19:32:35 PST (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.3 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 Selections from Gene Spafford's collection ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam Day Baghdad residents are eagerly looking forward to the first few days of February. They will gather around what is left of the Presidential Palace to see if their leader emerges from his bunker. Unfortunately, predicitions are he will see his shadow and return, bringing 6 more weeks of bombing. ---------------------------------------------------- Letterman told something like this on last night's show (12/14): There are two signs in Washington DC that Christmas time is near. Yesterday, the Bushes lit the White House Christmas tree. And tomorrow, the Secret Service is taking Dan Quale to see Santa. ---------------------------------------------------- Find It At New Products Store TORONTO (AP) Haven't you ever wished somebody would invent a doohickey that fastens on the bathtub and holds your book while you wash? How about a gadget that opens and closes toilet lids, no hands? Or a box that creates your own subliminal advertising injecting microsecond-long messages into your TV, which could help you kick a cigarette or other drug habit. Well they exist, on display at Toronto's New Product Store a home for the mad scientist and crazy inventor. The business was founded a year ago by Brian Gray, his brother Joseph, and Ed Zwolinski. "Brian Gray was a frustrated inventor," says Zwolinski, who manages the place. "He had a line of hardware products a radon gas detector, a disco music light box, custom construction hard hats and was frustrated by all the doors closed to him, being told to buzz off." He says the biggest problem for inventors is skepticism. "It's so hard to get attention. You really have to have a lot of clout behind you. One person alone doesn't have that." The New Products Store can't offer much in the way of clout. But it can offer exposure, both in shelf space in the store and via the publicity it has generated. It also offers professional evaluation from its board of engineers and lawyers, distribution leads, contacts with retailers and a sympathetic ear. The typical inventor usually follows a path like this: He gets an idea, becomes obsessed with it, creates a product and produces it. At that point, the honeymoon is over because he then has to sell it. "That's where we come in," says Zwolinski. "We offer them a start in the market. There is no way an inventor can know how good his product is without public exposure." The store is not very large, but it is located in one of Toronto's most fashionable shopping districts. The store manager can judge customer response to products, even browser response. Robert Dubeck invented the device for reader-bathers, an obsession that has consumed nine years of his life. "No one thought this was going to go," says Dubeck. "Everyone wanted me to give up the dream, just keep working. I was put down by friends and family. They basically said work for a living, don't come up with a dream to better yourself." In the store, potential customers will find such items as the Leisure Reader for the bathtub; a lapel or blouse pin for holding eyeglasses; the Bathroom Butler that opens and closes toilet lids; erase protection tabs for computer disks; or the box that creates those microsecond positive affirmation messages for your TV as a means of changing behavior. ---------------------------------------------------- i before e except in weird >From: kds@blabla.intel.com (Ken Shoemaker) Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 11:44:12 PDT November 11, 1990 THE JUDGES JUST COULDN'T STRING ALONG Blumita Singer of Brazil was invited, as one of 52 finalists, to perform at the International Violin Competition in Indianapolis in September as the result of an audition tape she submitted. However, when she started to perform, she played so poorly it became apparent that she could not have been the person on the audition tape, and some of the judges walked out while others began giggling. She did not offer an explanation. DOGGEDLY DEVOTED Fran Trutt, 33, pleaded no contest in April to charges that she attempted to kill the president of a supply firm that uses anesthetized dogs to help train surgeons on new procedures. She expressed hope that her own pet dog would be allowed to visit her in prison. Responding to the New York law banning dwarf-tossing contests, promoter Baird Jones complained that "we're being lumped with bar sports. This is not someone promoting Jell-O wrestling. It's performance art designed to satarize the values of mainstream America." In May, 200 people participated in the Third Annual Hill Country Machine Gun Shoot near Helotes, Texas, firing rounds from more than 100 automatic weapons, shredding washing machines, refrigerators and other targets. Said one: "Can you think of a better way to spend a holiday weekend?" Birmingham, Ala, talk show host Tim Lennox was suspended in July after announcing on the air that, for a segment on crime, he wanted to hear only from white callers. TALK ABOUT TALL TAILS When police arrested Thomas "Tommy Karate" Pitera in June as a suspected Mafia hitman in New York City, they found a well-stocked library in his home, including such books as "The Hitman's Handbook." Kill or Be Killed" and "Torture, Interrogation and Execution." Animal trainer Arian Seidon, 60, who kidnapped two elephants five years before in order to protect them from abuse by their owners, was arrested in April. Seidon supposedly had to procure 600 pounds of food per day during that time and dispose of 500 pounds of droppings. Darlene Brown's house in Lusby, Md., was destroyed by fire in May after a neighbor tried to help her get rid of a non-poisonous black snake. The neighbor ignited the snake outside a bedroom window, 10 feet from a pilot light of the furnace. Thirty-five firefighters were called, and damage was reported at $50,000, but the snake was killed. November 18, 1990 A WORLD OF TROUBLE A Coast Guard report issued in June revealed that personnel on duty at the Exxon pipeline that ruptured in January near Linden, N.J., spilling 567,000 gallons of heating oil, manually overrode the automatic warning system 10 times over a six-hour period before checking to see if oil was actually spilling. Workers merely pushed the "reset" button because they assumed the 10 signals were false alarms. Doctors in an April medical journal article reported that of more than 1,000 people who had undergone surgery for skin cancer from 1983 to 1987, 24 percent were back to sun-tanning and 38 percent still did not use sunscreen. Most of the recidivists were females whose attitude, said a doctor, "was that skin cancer was not enough of a problem to give up a tan." The Yellow Ribbon Coalition, an Oregon timber industry organization, complained to the U.S. Forest Service in August that an environmental group's scheduled retreat in the Cascade Mountains should be canceled because it posed a "fire hazard" and because the group's annual owl-hooting contest would "constitute harassment of area owls." LEGAL EAGLES Johnnie Lee Jones, 27, in prison since 1985 - when he stole a truck in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. (even though he'd never learned to drive), and smashed it into several cars, killing a young mother - is on the verge of a large financial settlement from Broward County Prison, which wants to save the expense of a lawsuit. In his getaway from the collisions, Jones ran in front of a car and had one leg chopped off; he later filed a lawsuit charging that the prison had caused him "pain and suffering" because of its lack of facilities to help his recuperation. (The prison offered evidence that Jones had urinated on a fellow prisoner and beat another with his artificial leg.) Anna Vincenza, 26, charged with helping her boyfriend murder her husband last November in Detroit with a car bomb, demanded that the funeral home that handled her husband's body give her custody of the ashes. A New Jersey judge rejected Manuel Antonio Mauricio's defense to a charge of murder with a sawed-off rifle in September. Mauricio had claimed a "machismo" defense - that his Dominican Republic upbringing had made him easily offended by insults to his manhood. In June, U.S., Sen. Strom Thurmond requested a $25 refund from Lexington, S.C., for a water deposit he paid in 1938. (He was eligible for the refund because he had recently sold the property.) Asked the mayor, "How in the hell can anyone save a receipt for 52 years?" ---------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 28 Jul 88 10:00:36 -0400 From comp.os.vms no less... A friend gave me the following that was taken off a dial-up board run by DECUS. ------------------------------------ I N T E R O F F I C E M E M O R A N D U M Date: 23-Jun-1988 12:08pm EST From: Marc Lippmann LIPPMANN Dept: Symp Committee Tel No: (Omitted) To: See Below Subject: VMS V5.0 interesting facts Some Interesting VMS V5.0 Statistics These statistics were provided to us from a friend in SDC. Q. What is gray and weighs 2550 tons? A. 638 Elephants, or the VMS V5.0 relase. Q. What covers 102 football fields? A. 4,590,000 square feet of Astro-Turf, or the Vinyl used to cover the VMS V5.0 documentation binders. Q. If a golfer plays one round of golf each week of the year, and then plays one additional round, (without a cart), how many miles does that golfer walk? A. 185 miles, or the distance covered by all the VMS V5.0 binders placed end-to-end. Q. How much high-quality toilet tissue does it take to circle the equator? A. 989,571 rolls, or the paper from the VMS V5.0 release. Facts about the VMS V5.0 release: The initial distribution will be 30,000 kits. There will be 34 binders per kit, or a total of 1,020,000 binders. At 6000 binders per trailer, that is 170 truckloads. The total documentation set will use 6,600,000 pounds of paper. At 80,000 pounds per trailer, that is almost 83 truckloads. To make 6,600,000 pounds of paper requires 6,600 cords of wood, enough to heat an average home for 825 years, or a town of 2,500 for a year. At 60 feet per trailer, the 253 (170+83) trailers required will stretch 4.8 miles. A single system-level VAX/VMS V5.0 distribution kit will: be packed in 10 boxes, weigh 170 pounds, consist of 34 binders, contain over 20,000 pages (or one 4 inch CD-rom disk), take 2-3 days to deliver via UPS, and be available on 11 different computer media. Digital Has it Now. Marc ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 18290 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 9 Feb 91 17:39:57 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 7.4 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From: Michael.Marsden@newcastle.ac.uk (Michael Marsden) Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's air-tight Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's got oil in it Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's not in Iraq Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box? A: Tell them there's no fighting involved Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box? A: Tell them there are votes in it Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box? A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box? A: Tell the MI5 men it's Pentonville Prison Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box? A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's the American Embassy Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box? A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box? A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box? A: Tell them it's in Baghdad Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box? A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box? A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box... Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box? A: Make the other 70 homeless ---------------------------------------------------- From: nazgul@alphalpha.com (Kee Hinckley) My father told me this one, as he heard it from one of the parents. One day their daughter comes home from third grade all excited. Her teacher has been telling the class all about how women are the equals of men, and that they should receive equal pay for equal work. She's all excited and she goes on and on telling her parents about this. Finally she says, "Daddy, when you become president you should pass a law that says that women should be paid the same as men!". At this point her mother says, "Maybe I should do it when *I* become president.". To which their daughter replies, "Don't be silly Mommy, *women* can't be presidents!". ---------------------------------------------------- Contributed by: ihps3!ihuxv!aark Many people don't know that Johann Sebastian Bach, besides being a famous organist and composer, was also the best organ builder of his time. His organs were beautifully crafted and sheer joy to play. It was universally agreed, though, that what really set his organs apart from all the other organ builder's instruments was the exquisite tonal beauty and variety of the stops on his organs. (For those who don't know, an organ stop is a single set or rank of pipes that spans the whole keyboard. A pipe organ typically has many stops, each with a different tonal quality, thus affording the organ great versatility in the way it sounds.) Consequently, everyone wanted a Bach organ, and all the other organ builders were being driven out of business. The other organ builders tried and tried to learn Bach's secret method for building such beautiful stops. He refused to tell it. He was so jealous that he even refused to let the others examine the pipes he made, fearing they would be able to figure out his secret. Desperate, the organ builders met to try to figure out a way to get their hands on some of the stops. Various suggestions were made and rejected. Finally, one of them got a brilliant idea. "Why not announce a contest?" he said. "We'll give a prize to anyone who sends in two Bach stops!" ---------------------------------------------------- From: julia@mike.COM (Julia Wilkinson) Wasn't it Joan of Arc who said, "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" Wasn't it Caesar Augustus who said "Silly me...here it is the middle of January and I'm still writing 'B.C.' on my checks." Wasn't it Dan Quayle who said, "What was the question?" Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "What's the number for 911?" Wasn't it Roseanne Barr who said, "It ain't over 'til I sing"? Wasn't it the captain of the Exxon Valdez who said "Damn! Who brought the corkscrew?" Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "I am confident that my superior air force will wipe the infidels out of the sky"? ---------------------------------------------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: Bureaucratic circumlocution of the week Electronic News (January 14 1991) page 8 Digital Sets First Layoffs; 3,500 Jobs to Go Maynard Mass - Digital Equipment Corp., buffeted by both the industry-wide shift to low-cost standard hardware and the general economic recession, last week set plans for its first formal layoffs ever as part of a program for cutting up to 3,5000 jobs over the next few months. ... DEC didn't issue a formal statement regarding its plans, and company officials studiously avoided describing the impending reductions as layoffs. They instead characterized the upcoming cuts as a ``severance program with an involuntary methodology.'' ---------------------------------------------------- Selections from Victor Schartz's collection: SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem.com HERSHEY, PA. (AP) - U.S. soldiers in Saudi Arabia finally have chocolate bars that melt in their mouths, not in the sand. At the request of the Army, Hershey Foods Corp. sent 144,000 "Hershey's Desert Bars" that won't melt in 100 degree-plus heat. The first round of heat-resistant chocolate sent earlier this month to the Persian Gulf was a test of the product, said Hershey spokeswoman Bonnie Glass. If the chocolate bars taste good and are tough enough for desert warfare, Hershey will send thousands more, she said. "Chocolate has long been an American favorite, and we are happy that we can supply the soldiers in Saudi Arabia with a familiar taste from home," said Richard A. Zimmerman, Hershey's chairman and chief executive officer. The troops haven't sent word yet on the Desert Bar, but an Army spokesman said the chocolate candy is good. ---------------------------- (From "News of the Weird" in the 12/9 San Jose Mercury News:) Lawrence Smith, convicted of dealing stolen cars in a Hartford, Conn. sting operation in June, defended himself at trial by claiming that he had known the buyers were police officers all along and he thought selling the cars to the police officers was the best way of getting the cars to their proper owners. ---------------------------- The Xerox corporate telephone directory (at least the Spring/Summer 1990 version, on page 108) lists: Fish, Wanda J an employee in El Segundo, California. Note, however, that her alias is JFish ... J standing for "Joan" (her middle name) rather than "Jelly". ---------------------------- (Scott Gellerman contributed this "ain't it the truth!" line from comedian George CArlin:) All the drivers driving slower than you are idiots, and all the drivers going faster are maniacs. ---------------------------- "I'm not paranoid ... but I'm terrified of BECOMING paranoid!" Ziggy ---------------------------- Although history has long forgotten them, Lambini & Sons are generally credited with the Sistine Chapel floor. Gary Larson, "The Far Side" ---------------------------- (From the February issue of Consumer Reports magazine:) A printed advertisement for Dunkin' Donuts: Free 3 Muffins when you buy 3 at the regular 1/2 dozen price ---------------------------------------------------- Selections from Gunter Ahrendt's collection: gunter@antlia.cc.uwa.oz.au A naval Captain was advised that there was another vessel on a near-collision course with his own. He radioed for the other ship to change course ten degrees south. The reply came back for the Captain to order a change in his own course ten degress north. Incensed, the Captain radioed, "I am a Captain; change your course." The reply was, "I am a Seaman First Class; change your course." Furious now, the Captain responded with, "This is a #$@*&%^*&*!@! battleship; you change YOUR course!" Came the reply: "This is a #$@*&%^*&*!@! lighthouse; you change YOUR course!" ---------------------------- Mork from Ork and his first Christmas experience. If you think the Holidays are confusing, just read this. "Mork calling Orson. Mork calling Orson...Hello, Orson? Orson, they have this amazing festival down here, that everybody gets into, but especially the stores and shopping malls...What's that?..Oh well, it's sort of an enclosed walkway where you can go and meet your friends, and smell cookies baking and buy ice cream cones to spill on the clothes in the stores, and they're all the same in every city...I think there's an enourmous computer somewhere that spits them out and drops them in the suburbs right in the middle of a sea of automobiles that can't move, but they got in there somehow, but there's no way to get anymore in and...Oh, yes, the festival...Well, it's all about a little boy, with a drum, and he's born in a sleigh, in some straw, right next to some chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Yes, it's all very dangerous, but it's okay because he is guarded by this enourmous fat man in a read suit, named Round John Virgin and he's standing by a tree with a partridge in it, drinking something called Wassail...No, I'm not exactly sure what that is, and nobody here can tell me. "But there's a lady kneeling nearby with a light over her head, and a couple of sheep and a donkey and a camel and this really strange deer with a red electric nose. And a dog sleeping on top of his house while a crotchety old man is hoisting this crippled boy on his shoulder who is holding a turkey by the neck saying, "God bless us everyone!" Yeah, the little boy says that, not the turkey...Well, anyway, after they sing awhile, they take all these packages and wrap them up in paper, which they then take right off again and the little kids play with the paper and the older kids says "Is this all there is?" And the fathers sit in front of the picture-box and the mothers collapse on a chair. The whole festival concludes 60 days later with an observance called Visa Card Day, when everybody becomes really serious, religious, and worshipful. Millions of people open envelopes and say, "My God!" Yeah, its really a lot of fun. We aught to introduce it up there on Ork...Well, that's all for now. Nanu, nanu!" ---------------------------- Two men go duck hunting. They settle down in their hide and start waiting for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into his backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch. "Want some." he asks his mate. "No I've got to concentrate on hunting ducks." "O.K." he says and happily drains the bottle. They go back to watching for ducks. Again the man gets bored and gets from his backpack another bottle of scotch. "Want some." he asks again. "No, thanks" is his reply "Your loss." he says and happily drains the bottle. He's pretty sloshed by now, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks. A minute later a single duck flies up. "Bang!!!" goes his mates gun. "Damm missed" his mate says. The man waves his gun in the general direction of the sky. "Bang!!!" his gun goes. He kills the duck straight. "Wow," his mate, "how did you do that??????" "Well," he replied , " when there's a whole flock you could hardly miss could you?" ---------------------------- Q. Why is rowing the best type of training if you want to be a politician ? A. Becauce you face one way and go the other. ---------------------------------------------------- Selection from Brad's collection: ---------------------------- From: an@??.UUCP That money talks, I'll not deny. I heard it once. It said "good-bye". ---------------------------- From: postpischil@alien.enet.dec.com (Eric) Subject: Product advertising claim [This is original.] There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ---------------------------- From: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bill White) Subject: Mathematics, original (as far as I know!) Q: What's a polar bear? A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ---------------------------- From: UD009831@vm1.nodak.edu (Steve Penoncello) Subject: Medical survey results Heard on Leno's monologue a few weeks ago: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. ---------------------------- From: davidp@labtam.oz.au (David Purdue) Subject: The wonders of modern technology! Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut! ---------------------------- From: jtk@mordor.s1.gov (Jordan Kare) Subject: Making a Killing (Original) The price of political asassinations in Eastern Europe has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks. It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they're having a liquidation sale. ---------------------------- From: FIN13@msu.UUCP (Mary.Nelson) Subject: work (lack of) I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago: Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since they threatened to fire me," Frnak replied. ---------------------------- From: dave@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman) Subject: cut here (from a recent Usenet posting) --------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ---------- (source code appeared next) ---------------------------- From: ark@research.att.com Subject: answering machine message [original] Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. ---------------------------- From: sullivan@crabcake.cs.jhu.edu Subject: Robotic life A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia: The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch. The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying, "When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?". ---------------------------- From: dre@myrias.UUCP (Duane Eitzen) Subject: An excerpt from Tehran University catalogue: ENGL 323: English Literature This course will concentrate on critical analysis of various works from Britain, Canada and the United States. Knowledge of the English language is not required but experience with plastic explosives is recommended. This course is not open to students who have martered themselves in previous offerings from this department. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Robert H Sperry:Wbst128 Once of the stories in the last anthology of antecdotes reminded me of one that I was told several years ago by a Century Data technician. The Century Data T-300 disk drive is a large drive using 1970šs technology. The platters in this drive are removable, and cost on the order of $2,000. The eighteen heads fly above the platters on a thin film of air, generated by the aerodynamics of the disk spinning past the heads and the air flow within the enclosure. The gap between the heads and the platters in only microns, so for this whole scheme to work the air inside of the enclosure must be clean and dust free. The T-300 drive furnishes a large volume of clean air be drawing it in from the intake vents located at the bottom of the cabinet and passing it through an absolute filter, which removes particles as small as a micron or two. This filter must be replaced on a regular basis, or the air flow will cease, and the heads will no longer fly, and catastrophy (i.e. a had crash) occurs. The CE told me about some T-300 drives which were located in a data processing center, that had a head crash. He fixed the drives and returned them to service and informed the people at the data center of the necessity of replacing the filters on semi-annual basis. A few weeks latter he was back there with the same problem; again the filters were clogged with dirt. This who process repeated several times in the following months. Finally, the culprit was found. The janitor had discovered that by sweeping the dust under the drives, it was not necessary to get out the dust pan. He had found his own set of vacumn cleaners. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Donald P Grantham:DlosLV300 Re: your computer foul-up stories. I supported Xerox Visual Type, which used the Diablo series 30 disk drives. LA (Calif.) County Purchasing complained of disk errors, Long study showed that the disk packs showed errors, but only on Mondays. Furtherr checks: only on the FIRST Monday of the month, and then only on 30% of the packs. Troubleshooting by our local techs revealed squat. They sent me (more to get me out of their hair than anything else). I stayed in the offoce over the weekend, and, upon returning from dinner on Sunday evening, found the clean-up crew finishing up. Waxing the floor. Swinging this huge floor-buffer across the floor, and up to the cabinets which housed the archive disk packs. The entire bottom row (the aforementioned 30%) was totally erased by the magnetic field of the buffer. Ergo, Dirt Is Good. Zeke ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16031 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 19 Feb 91 10:07:44 PST (Tuesday) Subject: Life 7.5 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear that they are making a new movie in Russia? The name of it is "Hunt for Bread in October". ---------------------------------------------------- My feeling is that, while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives. ---------------------------------------------------- How about the famous Sherlock Holmes case involving the great Czechoslovakian art thief who, when cornered in the museum, hid in an old suit of armor? Unfortunately, Holmes knew that the Czech was in the mail. ---------------------------------------------------- Coach reports that the new scholastic requirements for football players are already working: this year the varsity team made straight A's. However, their B's are still a little crooked. ---------------------------------------------------- You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. ---------------------------------------------------- The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" ---------------------------------------------------- There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" ---------------------------------------------------- This was taken from the Gwinnett Daily News on 11/26/90: A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the waindow and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking." ---------------------------------------------------- More News of the weird: January 20, 1991 Samuel Santiago, 18, confined to within 100 feet of his home in Chicago through an electronic monitoring device on his ankle as a result of a conviction for auto theft, was charged in November with murder and robbery during a pizza delivery next door. Alfred Merhan, 45, completed his second year recently as a resident of Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. He arrived in 1988 on a two-day trip but without a passport or visa. (He said his Iranian passport was confiscated when he took part in an anti-Shah demonstration in 1975 and that other travel documents were stolen from him.) Airport employees bring him food and newspapers, and he passes the time studying economics. ---------------------------------------------------- From: slambo@clemente.ucr.edu (sean lamb) My boss spent three years in Australia and told me about their trans. company. It turns out that when something is forgotten out in the sticks (far away from civilization) someone has to drive back to a phone to call the dis- patcher to send someone out with the forgotten object. Well, on one of these trips, the first truck left all the shovels at the base and had to call back for them. On the phone the driver asked the dispatcher "What are the men going to do until they get here?" To which the dispatcher replied "I guess they'll just have to lean on eac other instead." ---------------------------------------------------- Milli Vanilli could have become the first group to win the Grammy for Most Promising New Group *2* consecutive years. ---------------------------------------------------- From: rdonahue@ursa-major.spdcc.com (Bob Donahue) [Thought this up this morning avoiding finals...] A new unit of measurement: the VANILLI The VANILLI is used to measure the amount of work it takes to dupe or BS somebody. Naturally it is mertic. So, the more vanillies used the harder the job. Getting out of work by having your spouse call in sick for you, oh 10 to 1000 vanillies (or a kilo vanilli), Fooling the IRS (when being audited), a GIGA vanilli... and so forth. Hence the amount of work it takes to get people to spend lots of $$$ and fork out a Grammy: a milli vanilli ---------------------------------------------------- A reply to someone asking if anyone was interested in a "fencing club." Sounds great to me! I'm mostly interested in chain link, hot dipped galvanized type, concrete poured holes; also explored and wish to investigate more northwestern Montana 1843-48 barbed wire fences. Would be glad to help newcomers with the following: Post/rail (Lincolnesque) 1700-1800 Mid-Atlantic area, mostly Southern MD Non-grouted stone, limestone/shale base, angles of repose approximately 40 degrees Same as above, but with poured concrete footings/reinforcements (clever modern attempt at old-time simulations, but practical) I am NOT interested in razor-wire, electrified over 400 volts AC/DC, or guard dogs. ---------------------------------------------------- IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the famous Oxford vs Cambridge course. Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as they could be. IBM won by a mile. Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was set up to investigate and report. Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary presentation. "The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering." The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted. Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary -- "The guy rowing has just *got* to work harder!" ---------------------------------------------------- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. Old actors never die, they just drop apart. Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver. Old architects never die, they just lose their structures. Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling. Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off. Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures. Old cashiers never die, they just check out. Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket. Old cooks never die, they just get deranged. Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged. Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties. Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience. Old electricians never die, they just lose contact. Old farmers never die, they just go to seed. Old garagemen never die, they just retire. Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips. Old hippies never die, they just smell that way. Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe. Old investors never die, they just roll over. Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed. Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils. Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent. Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate. Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey. Old musicians never die, they just get played out. Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed. Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot. Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces. Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane. Old policemen never die, they just cop out. Old printers never die, they're just not the type. Old programmers never die, they just go to bits. Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse. Old schools never die, they just lose their principals. Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles. Old seers never die, they just lose their vision. Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away. Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper. Old students never die, they just get degraded. Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. Old teachers never die, they just lose their class. Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation. Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged. Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip. There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful. Old Usenetters never die, they just become unresponsive. ---------------------------------------------------- From: George_Cross@qm.ctc.contel.com (George Cross) Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24 The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T LD. The winners are quoted below. Frequent repeat entry prototype: "So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there. I get home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady, we've got your kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (SCREAM). Please note, Mrs. Sanderson, the fiber-optic clarity of your son's ...'" First Prize: So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job as part of their new work-release program. Let's get together and talk about switching over." -- Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA. Second Prize: I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I know I'm talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a recording -- of Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I say, "AT&T never put me on hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had a nasty infection like the one I got." -- Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York Third Prize: I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my living room window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in writing? You got it. Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where you live." -- Mary Hoppin, consumer services manager, Asian Sources Publications, Hong Kong Honorable Intention: So the guy says "Paul, if you don't switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb your house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened me like that." And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T." -- Paul Gosselin, free-lance copywriter, Nashville ---------------------------------------------------- Russian joke, once told on the dutch television by Mr. Raymond van den Boogaard. He lived in Moscow for many years as a newspaper correspondent and as a commentator on the Dutch news-reel. I don't know about HIS joke-source. Three men were asked about the most happy moment in their lives: An American, a Frenchman and a Russian. The American told that he came to the U.S. as a child, in the 1930s. He and his family were poor immigrants from Europe, trying their luck in the States. "We arrived on a boat in New York with only our clothes as baggage. Shortly after our arrival I found a one-dollar bill on the street". The American told the whole story of how he managed to multiply the dollar bill etc, you know the classic story from poor boy to multi-millionaire. "Well", he said, "I'm a successful businessmen, and I'm satisfied, no, really HAPPY when I look back, but if you ask me about my MOST happy moment, well, that was when I found the dollar bill on the streets in New York City when I was a poor child". The Frenchman told his story. "I was a student in Paris. I was having a drink somewhere in Quartier Latin, meanwhile reading a book, reflecting things and staring at people, when a beautiful girl sat down to a table, face to face with me. Mon Dieu (My God), she was beautiful! I looked her in her eyes, she looked at me and smiled! That was what you call love at first sight". Well, he married the girl, and they know have five nice children. "It's a very happy marriage, yes, it still is. But the most happy moment was the smile of that girl, who is now my wife, when I looked in her eyes for the first time". What about the Russian? "Well, after work, I was sitting in my poor appartment, watching a boring television programme as usual, because there's nothing else to do", he said. "I was tired and was just having my cup of substitute coffee. Suddenly the door-bell rang in a loud, unfriendly-sounding way. I opened the door and two men wearing long coats with hats on their grim faces, undoubtedly KGB-men, asked me with a gruff voice:" "Are you Mr. Litovtchenko?" "I sighed my relief and said: No that's on the third floor. That, my dear friends, was the most happy moment in my life". The communists (of former days, of course, and perhaps the communists of the future) have said that this joke cannot be true, because: 1) KGB does not do arrests without reason, and 2) if they do, they don't make mistakes with the door. ---------------------------------------------------- Redundant Phrases The REVISED Canonical List AC current/DC current Adequate enough advance notice ATM machine at this moment in time cash money central core classic tradition completely full component parts consensus of opinion cooperate together DAT tape dead corpse dive down DOS operating system empirical observations endorse a check on the back equal halves exact same FAT table final conclusion foot pedals footsteps foreign imports fratrnity brother free choice free gifts fully conscious fundamental principles genuine original good sex hot steam Hot water heater I heard it with my own ears. Illegal crime IRA account ISBN number Jewish bar mitzvah lazy bum LCD display Lecture phrase: "If you're sitting here tonight...." major significance MIDI interface mad rapist modern issues of today most unique new baby NIT tournament "No Tresspassing Without Permission" (seen at many airports) old antiques "Open 7 days a week and weekends" O-Ring pair of twins past history PIN number PSC code pizza pie please RSVP postal phrase: "if you get this letter...." puppy dog RAM memory random chance reiterate (the word iterate means repeat) repeat again (in the same vein) SAT test seen by the eyes of... shrimp scampi 6 AM in the morning skilled craftsman software program terrible tragedy the third "D" on every CD recording code totally destroyed totally independent true facts tuna fish 12 Noon/12 Midnight united coalition UPC code young child -- Gabe Wiener - Columbia Univ. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings gabe@ctr.columbia.edu to be seriously considered as a means of gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu communication. The device is inherently of 72355.1226@compuserve.com no value to us." -Western Union memo, 1877 *start* 16144 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 2 Mar 91 17:01:10 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 7.6 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Question: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone? Answer: They both can look out of their window and see rubble! ---------------------------------------------------- Q. Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking? A. Why should he when he can get bombed at home? ---------------------------------------------------- Why won't the Israelis cooperate with the US in the Gulf War for very long? Because the last time they listened to a "bush", they wandered lost in the desert for forty years!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before the Patriot missle it will destroy. ---------------------------------------------------- The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that : Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq. Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran. ---------------------------------------------------- Responding to a report that Saddam has executed his Air Defense and Air Force chiefs for incompetence, LTG Kelley stated: "He has a very dynamic zero-defects program." ---------------------------------------------------- Humorist Mark Russel on the Today Show (2/8/91): "After Saddam is dead the only enemy we will have left is Dan Rather" ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the national bird of Iraq? A: DUCK! ---------------------------------------------------- What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad? You shout out, "B-52" ---------------------------------------------------- I heard in the Danish radio news a hour after the surrender, that the iraqis was to clean up after themselves in respect to mines. How does an iraqi mine detector look like ? (Put the a finger in each ear, close your eyes, put your weight on one foot, and carefully tap the floor in front of you with the other.) ---------------------------------------------------- Supposedly genuine Iraqi joke, quoted in "Moscow News": ...A foreigner asks an Iraqi what the population of his country is. "30 million," he replies. - "30 million??" - "Well, it's 17 million people, plus 13 million portraits of Saddam." ---------------------------------------------------- The Washington Post (known by some as "Pravda on the Potomac," but I love it anyway) reports that the latest Persian Gulf War joke is: "What's the most popular bumper sticker in the Iraqi air force? If you can read this, you must be defecting too..." ---------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program? Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there. ---------------------------------------------------- New version of an old jokes: The new version: An American tourist is visiting Iraq, and he's talking with a Iraqi about the fact that not many people in Iraq own cars. The American says, "I can't belive you don't have cars here! How do you get to work?" The Iraqi replies, "We take bus." The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?" The Iraqi replies, "We take train." The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" The Iraqi replies, "We don't want go abroad." The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" The Iraqi replies, "We take tanks." ------------------------ Saddam Hussein was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday." "And which holiday will this be?" he asked. "It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday." ---------------------------------------------------- Amnesty International has alleged that Iraqui detainees in the UK are being kept with no heating, lighting, fresh water or proper sanitation and that they are being kept awake all night and face abritrary justice on charges they have not been told about. When asked to comment, a Home Office spokesman said "We're just trying to make them feel at home" ---------------------------------------------------- [From San Diego Union, 31-Jan-91, page B2] Linguistic experts told New York magazine that the name Saddam has two distinct meanings. With the accent placed correctly on the second syllable, it means "learned one." But when Mr. Bush says Saddam (sounds like "Adam"), it means "a boy who fixes or cleans old shoes." ---------------------------------------------------- P.S. (For Scottish soccer fans,) Saddam Hussein is walking along and spots an old brass lamp on the ground (amongst the rubble?!). Picking it up, he says to himself, "Don't really believe all that magic stuff, but what the heck!" and begins to rub the lamp. Out pops a Genie, who pledges undying loyalty to the beer-bellied one, and promises to grant his every wish. GENIE: So what can I do for you, your bizarrely-moustachioedness? SH: Look at this map. It shows Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Iran, and all of Europe. I want to rule them all for ever. GENIE: Hmmm.... Bit hard. Let me sleep on it. Anything else? SH: Yes, I'd like Celtic to win the Scottish Cup. GENIE: Let's see the map again...? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Not an idle threat From: dodson@mozart.convex.com (Dave Dodson) News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender! ---------------------------------------------------- From: patvh@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Pat Van Hoomissen) True Story - Last week one of our troops, a lance corporal, called up the Bagdad Hotel to make reservations for a party to be held in a week. "And how many will there be in your party?" the women asked seriously... ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Smart Weapons From: gscott@portia.stanford.edu (This is original.) Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before detonating. The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to the designer, "You want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No, no, no. Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of introduction, 'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or words to that effect. I'd say to him, 'You realize that I'm carrying a half-ton of explosive, and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well, it would be an enormous headache for your maintenance staff. I'd much prefer to have a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology. If you'd be a good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could reach an amicable agreement.'" I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong flavor of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe." There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile. For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-mindedness of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is. ---------------------------------------------------- Iraqi jokes from Spaf From: eeg@frame.com (Eric Griswold) Subject: The British and the war I think that the best reason to have the British involved in the Gulf War is watching British journalist's distaste at having to say the word "scud". = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: slo@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Steve Loughran) Subject: Iraq vs. France So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq? The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace. ---------------------------------------------------- From: adeboer@gjetor.geac.com (Anthony DeBoer) I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio: Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon". Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that beacon!" (brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot." ---------------------------------------------------- This joke can actually be attributed to the Irish Premiere, who was asked "What do you think of the Audi 80?", and replied "I'm sure at least some of them are innocent." ---------------------------------------------------- Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys! ---------------------------------------------------- news of the weird Wrong place, wrong time Four teen-agers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout. Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later. ---------------------------------------------------- Not exactly a bank-robber story, but .... Several years ago, in Denver Colorado, a man went to H&R Block with this story: Twenty years ago, he had gotten out of prison and had trouble when people found out he was an ex-con. So he changed his name and moved to where they didn't know him. People would eventually find out, so he kept moving and changing his name. In all that time, he had not paid his taxes. Now he was doing very well and he was tired of moving all the time. He wanted H&RBlock to figure out what he owed in back taxes so he could settle down. H&R Block took his list of names and addresses and old jobs and did several months of research for him. When they got all the forms filled out, he sent the forms and alot of *cash* to the IRS and then skipped town without paying H&R Block. The people at that office of H&R Block thought this was so funny that they put the story in the Denver paper. ---------------------------------------------------- Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable. At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously: "I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta: Caller: "What do you think about football?" Will: "Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings." ---------------------------------------------------- At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside Norfolk, Va., that was so close to the beach the porpoises used to swim into shore at dinnertime. The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling, "Chow time! For all in tents -- and porpoises!" ---------------------------------------------------- "The World's Worst Puns" (Reader's Digest article, 7/82) (Condensed from the book by John S. Crosbie) Much has been written about helping plants to grow by playing music or singing to them. Success has now been reported by a man who has been experimenting with obscene fern calls. At a local popular racket club, you have to book well ahead if you want to reserve a tennis court. One tennis enthusiast was so soncerned about not losing his booking that he left early from his wife's funeral. It was a case of putting the court before the hearse. Rabbit is a favorite dish in Paris. They raise them in the hutch back of Notre Dame. My greatest contribution to humor came when I taught my pet lizard to walk on its hind legs. It was the world's first stand-up chameleon. When the FBI arrested the head of a Mafia family, he turned out to be a very proud man and kept refusing to answer their questions. They grilled him all night without success but, finally, when morning came the don broke. An inexperienced butcher in northern Canada was asked by a hunter to cut up and package a huge moose. Never having seen one before, the young man nonetheless managed to get it cut into pieces and to parcel and label the obvious parts: steaks, chops, ribs, etc. He had a lot of pieces left over, however, that he couldn't identify. So he parceled each of them as well and marked them "Mooselaneous." It is a little known fact that many lighthouse keepers raise hens. Apparently, they like to have eggs with their beacon. ---------------------------------------------------- Another organically grown entry for rec.humus. Only natural punchlines are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone down. ------------------- Apple Corporation Sues Itself. [AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous. An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend. Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality." The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals. -David Lowry --