*start* 16441 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 19 Apr 91 11:11:11 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 7.7 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Years ago, I saw a show put on by Red Skelton, who asked: "Did you ever wonder where poeple in hell tell people to go?" And from way in the back of the auditorium, there came a shout: "Detroit!" ---------------------------------------------------- Speaking of religion and cricket in the same breath : Apparently the French have a saying that since the English have never been particularly religious, they invented cricket to give themselves some idea of the notion of Eternity. ---------------------------------------------------- There are big signs in Myer at the moment proclaiming "Daylight Savings". Knowing their usual pricing, I reckon they should read "Daylight Robbery". ---------------------------------------------------- I found this warning on a small utility knife in MIT's lab supply: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children. ---------------------------------------------------- Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go on. --Andrew Jackson ---------------------------------------------------- Chris Biagini: In the category of governmentese, this is from an EPA report. "The carcinogenic response observed in humans has a biological basis, although the precise mechanisms are only vaguely understood." My translation: We haven't the foggiest notion of what's going on. ---------------------------------------------------- From: cth@hpfcso.HP.COM (CT Hart) Many years ago, my father borrowed my car for a trip to Denver. He returned, sheepishly explaining that while it was parked in a public lot, someone had smashed out the back window with a 2x4 and stolen everything in the back seat... You guessed it - the thieves got two boxes of trash and a dead battery. And I got a perfectly good 2x4. ---------------------------------------------------- I was watching TV a couple of nights ago, there was a reasonably interesting talkshow going on. They were interviewing someone who believed he was immoratal. The interview went something like this: Q: So you believe you're immortal? A: Yes, I do, I cannot die. Q: You mean you'll reincarnate? A: No, I mean it as I say it, I will not die. Q: Are there other immortal people? A: Yes, there used to be. Q: You mean they're dead now? A: Yeah, they all died. ---------------------------------------------------- The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928. ---------------------------------------------------- Do you know why God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac at age 12? Because at 13 it would no longer be a sacrifice. ---------------------------------------------------- Chess-playing has been prohibited in South Africa. The government doesn't like black kings. ---------------------------------------------------- Dr. Odell fell down a well And broke his collar bone. But Doctors should attend the sick, and leave the well alone. ---------------------------------------------------- While you're on mythical bank robbery stories: I heard of a bank robber who wrote the message: Give me all your money, I have a bom (yes, bomb was misspelled) ...ON the back of one of his MOTHER'S CHECKS Also, my girlfriend works in a bank, occasionally they get hold up notes, bacause kids write things on the backs of deposit slips (and their parents don't always notice.) ---------------------------------------------------- WHAT DO YOU CALL A SKODA WITH A SUN ROOF A SKIP (Thats what we use to pick up rubbish in). _______________ WHY DO SKODAS HAVE REAR HEATED WINDOWS? KEEPS YOUR HANDS WARM WHILE YOU'RE PUSHING IT. _______________ A GUY WENT INTO A GARAGE AND SAID "HAVE YOU GOT A FAN BELT FOR A SKODA?" THE GARAGE ATTNDANT SAID "THAT'S A FAIR SWAP". ___________ HOW DO YOU DOUBLE THE PRICE OF A SKODA PUT GAS IN IT ---------------------------------------------------- An MD (Manta Driver) comes into a hotel, books himself a room and then goes with his keys and bag to the lift. He waits a while and then the lift arrives and the door opens. The MD walks in and stands there waiting. He waits. And he waits. Eventually a porter comes along and asks him, "What are you waiting for for so long?", The MD replies, "For the others, ey.", Porter says, "The others ... ?" MD replies, "Yer, it says here 'Lift authorised only for 8 people'" ---------------------------------------------------- An MD wants to sell his Manta and so puts an advert in the paper: Opel Manta GTE 200,000 km DM 4500 One week later ... nothing happens. Two weeks later ... still nothing. In the third week a friend phones up and says, "Ey, are you daft? If you say the car has done 200,000 km nobody will be interested. Take a screwdriver and turn the mileometer back to 50,000 km, then try selling it again." One week later the advertisment is no longer in the paper. The friend rings up again and asks, "Hey, what's up with your Manta?" The MD replies, "Ey, man, do you think I'm going to sell a Manta that's only done 50,000 km?" ---------------------------------------------------- A Manta and a Porsche are driving along side by side on the autobahn. The Porsche speeds up to 120 (kmph remember) ... the Manta is still there. The Porsche reaches 160 ... still the Manta is alongside. The Porsche reaches 200 ... the Manta Driver winds down his window and shouts across to the Porsche driver, "Ey, do you know Mantas, ey?" The Porsche driver replies "Yes, why?" The MD says, "Ey, man, can you tell me how to get into second gear?" ---------------------------------------------------- There are two MD friends who have exactly the same Mantas: same spoilers, same fox-tail on the aerial, same keys - everything. So naturally they have trouble telling which car belongs to who. The first MD comes up with an idea. "Ey, man, ey, this is no good!", he says and makes a little scratch on the bonnet of his car to make the two cars distinguishable. This is fine for a time, and the two friends are able to tell which is their car. A few days later though the second friend comes back with the same scratch on the bonnet! "Ey shit, ey, that's no good!" says the first MD, and makes a dent in the wing of his Manta. Again everything is ok for a few days, but then the second MD comes back with exactly the same dent in exactly the same place on his Manta! This time the second MD comes up with an idea: "Ey, you know what ey? You take the blue Manta and I'll take the red one!" ---------------------------------------------------- There is this MD (Manta-Driver) who goes into his local toy shop and buys a child's puzzle. Exactly one year later to the day he returns to the same show looking very pleased with himself. He goes up to the assistant brandishing the puzzle, MD: Ey, man, ey, I got this puzzle here 1 year ago and I just finished it! Assistant: Yes, so what? (she isn't very polite) MD: Ey, that's not bad ey? It says on the box 3-5 years! ---------------------------------------------------- MD's son: Dad can I have a drive in your Manta? MD : And what's the magic word son? MD's son: Ey, dad, ey, can I have a drive in your Manta? ---------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call a Lada at the topof a hill? A. A Miracle. ---------------------------------------------------- (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen, To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! ---------------------------------------------------- All this talk about stupid computer users reminds me of a few stories that was reported in a magazine a while back over here in the uk. One guy wanted his Atari 800 to play space invaders faster so he bypassed the power pack and plugged in right into the mains. 240V instead of 12V smoke one Atari. Another lady was concerned that there wasn't a mouse in her new computers box, always quick to improvise she went down the pet shop and brought one!!!!. A while ago(~1983) is was a fad amoung some computer mags to include a flexible record on the cover, this would contain some computer programs which could be copied onto tape using a normal Hi-Fi. This magazine (What Computer I think) had a phone call from a concerned man stating that he could only get it in his disk drive if he folded it in half! ---------------------------------------------------- FYI, have a good weekend, Henry III. Mike. November 8, 1990 YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM! Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm) "Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as much milking done." - Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma "Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value of good graphics resolution." - Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska "After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us through hard times." - Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine "I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking services, will be the wave of the future." - Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah "Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we know a thing or two about bus controllers." - Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer- ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not. Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows. ---------------------------------------------------- This is too good not to send out. From Datamation 15-Jan-91 p.17: Maintaining a Hardware Mindset Huntsville, Ala. -- Although a number of Wall Street analysts question the wisdom of any compnay below a certain size remaining the the hardware business, the alternative isn't all that appealing to Intergraph Corp. Atop its own Clipper reduced instruction set computing processors, the company builds UNIX systems that are bundled with software and sold to users for computer-aided design, among other applications. Why not just focus on software? "There are only four or five software companies whose annual revenues meet or exceed $500 million," observes Eliott D. James, president of Intergraph, whose sales last year were expected to top $1 billion. "It's difficult to sustain a large software company -- due, in part, to the quirky nature of software programmers." ---------------------------------------------------- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. -- R. A. Heinlein I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions. Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive. Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. -- T. Lehrer Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" ---------------------------------------------------- ,,, But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" ---------------------------------------------------- A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" ---------------------------------------------------- During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered which, when put on a piece of cloth, would change its shade depending on the intensity of the sun. This enabled the people to tell the time of day. One of these dye-soaked materials was presented to the king. He wore it proudly, tied around his head. And that is origin of Alexander's ragtime band. The famous Oriental detective Charlie Chan was wounded by an opponent. Hurriedly bandaged, he was rushed to a hospital. While waiting in the emergency ward, he peered under the bandage and was heard to mutter, "Ah so! The clot thickens!" When mites from the pigeon pen infested the backyard grass, it was little comfort to reflect that the pen was mite-ier than the sward. A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence with a proposition. ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 15413 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 29 Apr 91 11:57:02 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 7.8 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- FOR SALE: Special deal on tens of thousands of Iraqi rifles. Never been fired - only dropped once... ---------------------------------------------------- In recent times, there has been much discussion of the shortcomings of US education. Americans' poor knowledge of geography is one of the areas often criticized. A. Whitney Brown, in his commentary about the war, had this to say on Saturday Night Live (Feb. 9, 1991): "But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our bombs are better-educated than the average high-school graduate. I mean, at least they can *find* Kuwait." ---------------------------------------------------- QUESTION: Know how many Iraqees it takes to fire a SCUD? ANSWER: Three. One to load it, one to fire it, and one to check CNN to see where it landed. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest Airlines? A: Northwest has more kills. ---------------------------------------------------- Reported on NPR's Morning Edition regarding surrender of Iraqi troops: One guy was encountered alone in the desert wearing Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, and looking generally ready to party down. When he was challenged, he replied in a Chicago accent, "Where you guys been? I've been waiting forever!" Turns out he was an Iraqi-American, who had been in Iraq visiting his grandparents when hostilities broke out, and he was drafted into the Iraqi army. ---------------------------------------------------- A bunch of US soldiers in Saudi Arabia are getting ready to board an airliner. One of them looks very nervous, so his sergeant claps him on the shoulder and says, "Relax, son, you're going _home_!" The soldier replies, "I know... but I'm from New York City." ---------------------------------------------------- We are now landing at Kuwait internation airport. Please put your seats in a fully upright position and set your watches back 2,000 years. ---------------------------------------------------- Two divisions of the Iraqi army have withdrawn from the Turkish border. The explanation given on TV is that they are heading for Baghdad, in an attempt to help keep Saddam Hussein in power. Personally, I think that a Turkish border guard stepped out of his sentry box and yelled "We're coming to get you!" ---------------------------------------------------- On Tuesday, Paul Harvey cited a rumor (since denied) that Saddam Hussein's son had been killed in rioting. He noted that they still hadn't managed to Baghdad.... ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam was right about one thing. This was not going to be like Panama or Granada. They put up a much better fight. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two sections--smoking and non-smoking. ---------------------------------------------------- In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal: Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth largest in the world. Now, its the second largest army in Iraq. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard this one at the office. "Why are there no WalMarts in Baghdad? Because there is a Target on every corner!" ---------------------------------------------------- The Americans have reportedly said that they are still worried about the Iraqi's but the threat is on a different front.ie the next olympics! Why? You cry despondantly! Well this is why I whisper: They are simply afraid that the Iraq armed forces will get to enter. The Americans have discovered that the Iraqi Tank men can run faster than Ben Johnson and none of them take steroids!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait: 10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over. 9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can shoot them. 8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country. 7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal. 6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf." 5) War not as fun when other side shoots back. 4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working. 3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells. 2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books about him. 1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down." ---------------------------------------------------- (A Johnny Carson line, contributed by Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:) Have you heard the latest rumor going around about Hussein? This is allegedly true. Some people are saying that he had plastic surgery so that he could escape from Iraq unseen. But I don't think the doctor who did it liked him very much. He made him look exactly like Salman Rushdie. ---------------------------------------------------- Resourceful Resorts is now offering a fabulous golf vacation the the Middle East. TRIP INCLUDES: *Round trip airfare on a U.S. Air Force C-141 Transport. *7 Days and 6 Nights at Iraq's sole remaining Hotel. *Unlimited admission to Iraq's newly constructed 270,000 hole golf Course. Featuring: 1) A beginner's course with holes up to 30 feet in diameter. 2) An 83,000 sq. mile sand trap (largest in the world)! 3) A never ending challenge with new holes on course being constructed hourly. *NIGHTTIME CAMEL RIDES FOR TWO, PAST ROMANTIC ARABIAN OIL FIRES AVAILABLE AT DISCOUNTED PRICES! FROM $2150.00 (Dbl. Occ.) ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush. "Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you." "To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush. "You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to make peace." "Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag." "Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?" "I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew." ---------------------------------------------------- From: bhuntley@contact.UUCP (Brian Huntley) Number 7 on the list of proposed peace terms in the Soviet-Iraq agreement is that the withdrawal be monitored by countries not directly involved in the anti-Iraq coalition. When that was read on the CBC news last night, a friend sitting next to me said: "Oh, good. Israel qualifies!". ---------------------------------------------------- (original: Rob Ullmann, ariel@relay.prime.com) ------- Anonymous note, dropped down a bunker ventilation shaft somewhere near Baghdad: Dear Saddam, We have your Army. If you ever want to see it again, put $200 billion in small bills in a truck (several trucks, actually) and send them on the road to Basra. We will find them. ---------------------------------------------------- From: kjp@ecn.purdue.edu (Kevin J Podsiadlik) Subject: How to scare Saddam Hussein One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein: Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the Union address: "Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq." Kevin Podsiadlik = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Subject: Iraq vs. Canada I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile. -- a1040%mindlink@van-bc.uucp = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: flak@mcgp1.UUCP (Dan Flak) Subject: Saddam Hussein holding back According to the news services, Saddam Hussein stated that he has committed "only a fraction of his forces". (In other words, he's committing only those forces that are still operational). Not mine, my 17 year old son's. -- Dan Flak - McCaw Cellular Communications Inc., 201 Elliot Ave W., = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: donnam@palomar.sandiego.ncr.com (Donna Mitchell) Subject: Mrs. Saddam >From Tom Blair in the San Diego Union, January 20, 1991: What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why she's leaving the country? a) "We're having some remodeling done." b) "The exterminators are coming." c) "We're getting the carpets bombed." d) All of the above. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Subject: standard Iraqi bidding From: scott%ferrari.labs.tek.com@relay.cs.net An original: At my last bridge tournament most pairs played the standard American system. But one pair caused quite a stir with a new bidding system, standard Iraqi: whenever the opponents opened the bidding, they threw rocks at the next table. -- Scott Huddleston = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu (Doug Krause) Subject: Iraqi Career Moves Q: What is the best Iraqi job? A: Foreign Ambassador Douglas Krause University of California, Irvine Internet: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: bhhardy@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Barbara Helen Hardy) Subject: funny gulf quotes from CNN folks I SWEAR I heard these: "You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb shelter." "We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous people out there, or maybe some journalists...." Taking censorship too far: "According to the military, the weather has cleared...." Source: CNN, various days, various correspondants. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: mcb@hpgrla.gr.hp.com (Michael Berry) Subject: Training Iraqui Pilots is Easier... Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqui fighter pilots? ...you only have to teach them to take off. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: evans@decvax.dec.com Subject: Super Bowl Joke [ source unknown ] U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early as last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a SCUD missile attack on the Super Bowl. He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots. ---------------------------------------------------- This political joke is from the book "From Beirut to Jerusalem," by Thomas Friedman. ----------------- A minister goes to the Syrian dictator Hafez Assad after a national election. Minister: I have excellent news, Mr. President! You won 98.6% of the vote in the election! Less than 2 percent of the people dissented! What more could you possibly want? Assad: Their names. ---------------------------------------------------- Brought back from the Sudan when it was a one-party dictatorship. A young man, going to "vote" for the first time in a national election, got nervous in the voting booth and mistakenly voted against the ruling party. When he told his father, the old man ran to the polling place to try to correct the error that would probably spell doom for the whole family. "Please, you must save us," he told the election officials in a panic, "can the error be changed?" "Don't worry," they replied, "it's already been taken care of." ---------------------------------------------------- (From the April 15, 1991 edition of Newsweek Magazine:) "I can say that anyone who, like me, has been educated in English public schools and served in the ranks of the British Army is quite at home in a Third World prison." British businessman ROGER COOPER, on being released last week after five years in an Iranian prison. ---------------------------------------------------- From: mitchell@MDI.COM (Bill Mitchell) Reminds me of something I overheard on a tactical radio in Vietnam: Voice #1: "We're taking enemy fire from the treeline!" Voice #2: "Those are friendlies in the treeline!" Voice #1: "Roger that. We're taking friendly fire from the treeline!" ---------------------------------------------------- French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse, and one forwards - in case the enemy attacks from the rear. ---------------------------------------------------- The current shortages in Cuba do produce jokes: At the University of Havanna, some students and professors refer to the course on Marxism as science fiction. Others point out that Castro's tough it out slogan, "Socialism or Death" is a redundancy. ---------------------------------------------------- From: tomas@inmic.se (Tomas Lundstrom) I just got hold of a bunch of Eastern Europe jokes. For a while (i.e last year) it looked like these kind of jokes (mostly about the regime, KGB, the system etc...) were going out of date, but thanks (?) to the recent development in the USSR, they are quite fashionable again: - What can you get for a Dollar in Moscow ? - five years. - Intourist (USSR travel agency) advertisement: "Visit USSR before they visit you" - An elder estonian walks the streets of Tallinn when he sees a big crowd. It appears that a roof brick has fallen down and killed a man. The estonian sighs: - Woe, woe... we are so few estonians and now it's one less... - But sir, it was actually a russian ! says a spectator. - Damn it ! There are so many russians here in Estonia nowadays that there isn't even room for a brick to fall down ! The contest "Best political joke in the USSR" has been held. The winner, a factory worker from Minsk, got 25 years. The Czechoslovakian proof that the earth is round: 1945 the fascists were kicked out to the west. 1968 they came back from the east. A jew wants to leave the USSR. The clerk asks: - Why do you want to leave ? - I have two reasons. I'm afraid that if the Communism system is overthrown, there will be anti-semitism again... - But our system is so strong it'll never be overthrown !, says the clerk. - That's my second reason ... ---------------------------------------------------- phone jokes from Russia: Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to burn down your house, hurry up and take your telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!" Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage. ___________________________ "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?" The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants." *start* 17241 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 4 May 91 14:30:16 PDT (Saturday) Subject: Life 7.9 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek. ---------------------------------------------------- All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible. T. E. Lawrence _The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_ ---------------------------------------------------- While watching Channel 4 news last night (with the sound off, of course) I noticed they were displaying a graphic entitled "STATE ASSEMBLY PLAN" over a very patriotic picture of our state capitol building. The graphic read: -------------------------- | STATE ASSEMBLY PLAN | | | | - Do nothing | | until May | | | | - Tax the rich | -------------------------- This is the best thing I've seen come out of government in a long time... ---------------------------------------------------- Two American tourists are looking at the Niagara falls, one of them is from New York and the other one from Texas. The NY-guy says: "I bet not even you, in Texas, have something similar to that." "Well, no,", the Texas-guy says, "but we do have a man that could fix this leak in five minutes." ---------------------------------------------------- An American expedition is getting ready for going to Africa. The boss gathers his men, and tells them how to behave: "We have to be carefull of how we behave with those natives. Most important is, that we don't argue too much with them if it's not really necessary. For instance, if someone there tells you that Africa is bigger than Texas, don't bother enlightening him." ---------------------------------------------------- It seems that, in a fit of international awareness, some southern states were trying to make foreign language a high school requirement. One of the opposition, a depressingly stupid lady, stood up in a school board meeting and said "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" ---------------------------------------------------- A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. She asks for chicken. None. Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None. The shopper leaves and the butcher exclaims to his assistant, "What a terrific memory!" ---------------------------------------------------- Maybe not last words, but close: When Thoreau was dying someone (his aunt?) asked "Have you made your peace with God?" Thoreau answered "I am not aware that we have ever quarreled." ---------------------------------------------------- o What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? Will the defendant please rise. o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? it saves time in the long run. ---------------------------------------------------- "Cathy! what do you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a nurse, sister." "Good, good. And you, Maggie?" "I want to be a teacher, sister." "Right on. How'bout you, Mary?" "I want to be a nun, sister." "Very good. Marie?" "I want to be a prostitute, sister." "A WHAT?" "A prostitute." "Good heavens! I thought you said - a protestant!!" ---------------------------------------------------- Last night I saw some Japanese tourists trying to locate the Southern Cross using a night-sky map. When they found it, all 3 of them whipped out their cameras and took a flash-illuminated photo of it. ---------------------------------------------------- Roberto had immigrated to New York from southern Italy late in the previous spring. Now, on the threshold of winter, he was experiencing his first really cold morning as he waited for his friend Giuseppi. Giuseppi was a second-generation American (subspecies: New Yorker), accustomed to the chill and humidity of the weather in the Northeast. Arriving, he and Roberto set off down the sidewalk to their respective jobs, each striding along with his hands buried in his pockets. Both men were usually talkative, but this particular morning, Giuseppi chatted alone. Other than an occasional grunt, Roberto declined to speak. Finally, feeling very uncomfortable, Giuseppi asked, "What is this that's with you, my friend Roberto? You aren't looking unhappy, you aren't drunk, but you won't even make friendly talk. Whattsa problem?" Replied Roberto: "It's-a cold! You want me freeze-a my hands?" ---------------------------------------------------- We tried to get rid of a very dead washing machine one time. It sat on the curb with a "free" sign on it for several days. When we put a "$50" sign on it, it disappeared that night! ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What the only thing wrong with Australia A: It's above sea level ---------------------------------------------------- In shock news today, Derryn Hinch was reported as having been shot, run over by a car, thrown out of a high building, and finally blown up with 3 kg of TNT. "This is obviously a job by someone with an extremely strong and deep-seated dislike of Derryn Hinch," said a police spokesman. "We are choosing our suspects with this fact in mind, and we will be talking to these people as soon as we can." Latest reports have indicated that police are seeking to interview the entire population of Australia. ---------------------------------------------------- The following story differs from the above in that it did actually happen. Three weeks ago $300,000 worth of damage was done to the ACTU's Trades Hall in Adelaide by a fire bomb thrown into an upper story window. Three days ago $5,000,000 worth of damage was done to the same building by an incendiary device thrown into the ground floor boardroom. When interviewed, ACTU local secretary Mr John Lesees muttered darkly "This is the work of someone with a grudge against the ACTU." Such an astonishing genius for the obvious is rare, nowadays. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard on '60 Minutes' 31 March: (from a National Party Senator in Queensland whose name escapes me now) The definition of recession is when your neighbour loses his job. The definition of depression is when you lose your job. The definition of recovery is when Paul Keating loses his job. ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam wakes up and looks up to the mirror above his bed: Saddam : Mirror Mirror who's the biggest SOB off all? Mirror : You are Saddam. Saddam then walks out to his office where all the offices are shivering with fear but when they see his smile they relax. The next morning the same. The next saddam walks out with a stunned look on his face the gaurds are terrified, one walks up to him scared he may be shot. Gaurd: Ssss addam whats wrong.... Saddam looks up with a puzzled look and asks who the hell is Paul Keating. [ask an Australian] ---------------------------------------------------- Paul Keating and his chauffeur were driving past a pig farm on a typical pollies' tour. Suddenly a pig ran in front of the car and was struck and killed by Keating's car. Keating told the chauffeur he had better inform the farmer that he had killed the pig. After about half an hour the chauffeur emerged from the farmstead looking quite bemused. Keating : "What took you so long?" Chauffeur : "Well I told the farmer about his pig and he shook my hand, the wife gave me a beer and cried for joy and the daughter was showering me with hugs and kisses!" Keating : "What did you say?" Chauffeur : "All I said was that I'm Paul Keating's chauffeur and I've just killed the PIG!" ---------------------------------------------------- I was in the post office today when a fellow walked in asking to post a letter to England. What transpired was funny enough to warrant writing down and follows as best I remember it. Man: I'd like to post a letter to England. Clerk: That'll be $1.20 M: $1.20? I thought it was $1.10! C: I'm afraid the prices have gone up. M: When did they go up? C: Oh, it must have been around December last year (it's now April). M: No, I'm sure it's only $1.10, they only charge me $1.10 at Dapto. C: Well, I'm afraid it's $1.20 M: Hrmph, I'm going to post this at Dapto (marches out the door in a huff) At this point I think to myself how on earth he's going to get to Dapto (15 km away) for 10 cents. Now this conversation was more than audible by everyone in the post office (me, three clerks and the man in question). The clerks now discuss amongst themselves the possibility that Dapto post office is undercharging and ring them to check. The Dapto post office charges $1.20 for mail to England! Well, it was funny at the time. ---------------------------------------------------- From Gary's collection: I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow. --Woodrow Wilson Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. --Oscar Wilde A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing"--Ferguson Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first. If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it. Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Predestination was doomed from the start. The death rate on Earth is: One per person. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax--Einstein The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z. There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on. Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings--George Will The Best of Leaps--Scott Bakula You won't strain your eyes if you look at the bright side of things--Winston Churchill It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those we intend to commit. Josh Billings I enjoyed the wax tadpole story. Do you think they package "bite the wax tadpole FREE" or "DIET bite the wax tadpole"? ---------------------------------------------------- The rest of this stuff is from postings sent out by Victor Schwartz SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem.com ------------------------ What's orange, and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! ------------------------ All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. (Thanx again to Ken Dorfman.) ------------------------ Think positive. Remember... Negative expectations yield negative results! Positive expectations yield negative results! ------------------------ "Pepper" the parrot, hired last fall for a TV commercial for Alascom, the long- distance telephone carrier for Alaska, actually only lip-synced his line because the sponsor thought Pepper sounded too human. The company wound up hiring a human actor who imitated a parrot's voice. (From "News of the Weird") ------------------------ The Oklahoma Supreme Court in December upheld the landslide victory by incumbent Frank Ogden III (91 percent) over Josh Evans. Evans had run on a campaign of being an "able lawyer and a living person," which he thought gave him an advantage over Ogden, who had died three months before the election. - From "News of the Weird" in a recent San Jose newspaper ------------------------ Delightful marketing! I saw a product on the market which is: "100 percent liquid cow manure, chemical-free, all natural, organic." Product name: "Wholly Cow" ------------------------ (Another Johnny Carson line, contributed by Dorothy Lustig:) Now here's something real odd that happened to me over the weekend. This was genuinely creepy. I wanted to get that new Time-Life book series. You know the one on "Strange, Unexplained Phenomena". I received my first book five minutes before I called in to order it. ------------------------ (A Johnny Carson joke, contributed by Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:) Last Thursday was the 112th anniversary of Albert Einstein's birth. It's kind of sad that a lot of the young people today don't know as much about Einstein as they should. They asked several hundred young people to finish the equation "E = MC ____ " Three out of four answered: "E = MC Hammer"! ------------------------ (A Jay Leno line, supplied by Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:) Despite the recent rains, the drought in California is so bad that crooks have been breaking into people's homes and draining the waterbeds! ------------------------ (Contributed by Tom Belligan at Tandem:) "I'll always remember this as the night that Michael Jordan and I combined to score 70 points." -- Chicago Bulls forward Stacey King after scoring 1 point in a game in which Jordan scored 69. ------------------------ (Contributed by Tom Belligan at Tandem:) "You're damn right I know where I am. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting beat up." -- Boxer Willie Pastrano to a concerned referee from the mat. ------------------------ (You say you feel like a cross between a teepee and a wigwam? Well, you're just two tents! Read the following item submitted by Tim Hutchinson. It might help you to relax!) As heard on Capital Radio driving to work the other day. This spring a camping equipment manufacturer in Cincinnati, Ohio who wanted to get rid of his surplus stock decided to run an ad campaign in the local newspaper. Drawing on that great man of English letters William Shakespeare the ad read: "Now is the discount of our winter tents." ------------------------ (Contributed by Jim Ellingsen:) There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. ------------------------ American Airlines recently introduced non-stop DC-10 service from San Jose Airport to Tokyo, Japan. (For those of you not from the local area, San Jose Airport is MUCH more convenient to most people in Silicon Valley, but long-haul non-stop flights normally require departure from San Francisco Airport.) Well many of the passengers on these recent American Airlines flights, including those who paid premium prices to be on the inaugural flight, were more than a little irritated when the plane stopped for almost an hour at the Oakland Airport. (To go from San Jose to Oakland on a DC-10, you barely have enough time to get your wheels off the ground!!!) It turns out that on WINDY DAYS, with a full load of passengers, the runway at San Jose Airport is not long enough to allow a DC-10 to take off with a full load of fuel. So the plane has to stop in Oakland to fill the tanks! ------------------------ (Remember the classic Woody Allen variant of the classic story? He related that when he was a little boy, someone very dear to him gave him a BULLET as a present. This bullet always served as a reminder of his love for this person, and he kept the bullet in his inside jacket pocket, next to his heart. One day, while walking down the street, he was suddenly STRUCK IN THE CHEST by a flying BIBLE! And if it hadn't been for that BULLET, he wouldn't be alive today! Well ... here's a recent variation on this story, straight from the San Jose News about a week ago:) "Calculator lets shooting victim count blessings" Knight-Ridder News Service DETROIT - Ice cream deliverer Kenneth McCarroll's pocket calculator was always handy for figuring customers' bill, but he never knew it was bulletproof. The calculator added years to his life on Tuesday afternoon, when McCarroll, an employee of a local dairy distributor, stopped his truck at a Detroit store. As he entered the truck's freezer to get $200 worth of drumsticks, popsicles and ice cream for the store, McCarroll saw a man lying halfway inside the freezer. The man, who may have fallen, fired a shot without saying a word. "I felt it hit," McCarroll, 40, said at his Dearborn, Mich., home Wednesday. "It knocked the heck out of me. ... I grabbed my stomach, ran into the store ..." Marine duty in Vietnam taught him to apply pressure to bullet wounds, so McCarroll clutched his stomach. The gunman escaped while McCarroll waited for police and emergency medical service. "I finally had the nerve to look at it," he said. "When I pulled my shirt up, the bullet fell to the floor. I searched my pocket, and my calculator was just mangled." The bullet - thought to be .32 caliber - ripped through his jacket and plowed through the metal front of the quarter-inch-thick calculator. The slug deflected before bursting through, searing a 1-inch black mark on McCarroll's belly. *start* 16735 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 10 May 91 13:50:07 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 7.A From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent man? A: Bigfoot's been spotted a several times. ---------------------------------------------------- Two women who hadn't seen each other for a while met at the mall. One said to the other, "Agnes, it's been so long. I heard you even got married." "Yes," the second said, "I married a lawyer, and an honest man, too!" "Hmmm," said the first woman, "Isn't that bigamy?" ---------------------------------------------------- I heard this on Dave Broadfoot's monologue on Air Farce today: Q: How amny Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Canadians don't change lightbulbs, we accept them as they are. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: what's the best way to accelerate a Macintosh? A: 9.8 m/(s*s) ---------------------------------------------------- So I'm driving in today, and the INB plug for "let us save you money paying bills" came on the radio. They want to save you the cost of checks, stamps, and envelopes. "At INB we figure that you can pay up to thirty-nine cents or more on each bill. If you pay 20 bills each month, that's over one hundred dollars a year" I'm in a particular hurry to give these math majors my accounting business. Has anyone made use of this service? ---------------------------------------------------- Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated Your battery needs a new car. Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only want money." ---------------------------------------------------- Heard 11 Apr, 91 at 6:57 AM on radio station KKUP, Cupertino, CA: Host: Well, do you have any concluding statements, Marshall? Guest: No, I don't, Larry. Host: Then could you say something to last about three minutes? ---------------------------------------------------- From the Star Tribune, _Letters from readers_, April 9, 1991: (Some background -- a police investigation recently resulted in a bust in which a couple dozen postal employee were arrested for being involved with drugs or drug dealing "on the job". I assume this is original to the author, W. L. Gillies) Regarding the postal workers arrested for drugs in Minneapolis [MN] last week, I hope that the investigating team did not waste any time or money looking for speed or other amphetamines. ---------------------------------------------------- In response to an article from earlier in my collection, Peter Karras responded: there WAS some development into ejection seats for helicopters. they would fetch the pilot SIDEWAYS out of the chopper. ---------------------------------------------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) >From March 6th San Francisco Chronicle: "I've never taken drugs, so that's why I'm probably not a big Doors fan." Spike Lee expressing his deep admiration for Jim Morrison and the Doors, in US magazine. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you spell boss backwards? A: Double S.O.B. ---------------------------------------------------- While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true) A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!" Copied from the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry Ahlman, Ahlman's, Rt. 1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052. ---------------------------------------------------- Mike Royko had a rather amusing article in August of 1988 regarding Phone Hucksters. There's this fellow called Robert Bulmash who says that they [the phone huckster] will be billed for any time used when they call him. If they persist, he takes them to small claims court. The article says that he has taken five small companies to court. Royko goes on to say that he's collected $120 here and there, but now and then he nails one. One time when he (Bulmash) was making a case against the Plan-O-Soft Water Conditioning Company, the Judge says, "Yeah! I was called twice during last night's ball game!" and awarded the guy 97 cents and $38 in court costs. Bulmash has started a company called Private Citizens Inc which puts together a mailing list (as of the writing, $15 if you want to join) of people who don't want to be called. If they are called, the telemarketer gets billed for time. I wish I had the date for the article, It's roughly August of 1988 in the Chicago Tribune. ---------------------------------------------------- From: kent@parc.xerox.com The latest in phone scams occurred this week in New York. employees with pagers received phone inquiries from 540 numbers, which are billed the same as 900 numbers. When the number is called, the customer is automatically charged $55.00. Employees from other companies around New York have also been hit by this scam. ---------------------------------------------------- I spotted the following in the New York Times last week: A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a woman's voice answered. "Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked. "Did you say 'whom'?" the caller inqured after a somewhat startled pause. "Yes" my friend said. "I have the wrong number" the caller said. Then she hung up. ---------------------------------------------------- Answering machine messages: -------------------------- From: ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson) Before Louise (daughter, fourteen years) came to stay on Friday evening, my answering machine message said, in my voice: `This is 031-343 xxxx. Thank you for calling. I'm sorry, I can't come to the phone right now, etc. etc.' Now it says, in Michelangelo's voice: Hi, dudes, this is 031 343 xxxx. This is the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.' All in 28 seconds, too. -------------------------- The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone. ---------------------------------------------------- Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes: ==================================================== ``Ladies and gentlemen, the captain is preparing for the final descent. Please return your stewardess to her full, upright position for landing ``Please return your seat-backs and tray-tables to their upright and most uncomfortable positions.'' ``So that you don't embarrass yourself by falling on your face in the aisle, please remain in your seats until the plane comes to a complete stop at the terminal.'' ``On behalf of airline, we'd like to welcome you to Bora-Bora, but instead we'll welcome you to to Los Angeles.'' ``If you are seated next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a child, put on your oxygen mask first '' ``There is no smoking in the aisles or lavatories. If you are caught smoking in the lavatories or the aisle, you will be asked to leave the aircraft once we reach 35,000 feet.'' ``Please check the overhead compartments for any personal belongings or small children you may have brought on board.'' After reading to the safety rules to the passengers after takeoff: ``If you do not follow these rules we will be forced to ask you to leave.'' ``We hope you have enjoyed flying with AirCal today, but if you haven't, this has been PSA flight 99 to San Francisco.'' >From a PSA captain: ``We hear that AirCal and American are going to merge. They're going to call the new airline CalCan.'' ``The captain has located the airport, so we've begun our descent into San Diego.'' ``Welcome to San Diego The Captain is a much better flyer than he is a driver so it would be in your best interests to remain seated until we screech to a full stop at the gate.'' ---------------------------------------------------- Walking down the street I came upon a store front with a sign reading Ole Olsen's Chinese Laundry. Curious, I entered. I asked the old Chinese man behind the counter who Ole Olson was. He said that he was Ole Olsen. He then proceeded to tell me the story how he became Ole Olsen. When he came to this country in the old days, he was in a very long line at the department of immigration. He finally got near the front of the line and heard the immigration officer ask the fellow in front of him, "Name?" Ole Olsen, came the reply. Next was his turn. "Name?" So he told him his name, "Sam Ting." Ever since then he has been known as Ole Olsen. ---------------------------------------------------- From Risks From: jane@stratus.swdc.stratus.com (Jane Beckman) I've been meaning to post this for a while, as it is a perfect illustration of the hazards of a system that gets too dependant on computer programs. In 1989, Mongomery Ward had a sale of "discontinued, one-of-a-kind, and out- of-date merchandise." A fellow I was dating, who was a Wards employee, told me the story of where it had come from. Around 1985, Wards had reprogrammed their master inventory program. Somehow, the entry for the major distribution warehouse in Redding, California, was left out. One day, the trucks simply stopped coming. Nothing was brought into the warehouse, and nothing left. Paychecks for the employees, however, which were on a different system, kept coming. While this was baffling to the employees, they figured it was better not to make waves. (Rumor has it that they were afraid the warehouse had been phased out, and they had "forgotten" to lay them off, and figured it was better to stay employed.) They went to work every day, and moved boxes around the warehouse, and submitted timecards, for three years, until someone doing an audit finally wondered why major amounts of merchandise had simply disappeared. Tracing things back, the missing warehouse was finally re-found. They were then stuck with an entire warehouse full of white elephants--- merchandise that was three years out of date. Thus, Wards stores throughout California ended up with major amounts of discontinued merchandise to sell at deep discounts. Wards, being majorly embarrassed, tried to downplay how the merchandise was "found." Or, more specifically, why it had become lost in the first place. The store employees got a big chuckle over the warehouse employees being afraid to mention this oversight to the higher-ups, for fear of becoming unemployed. Many references to "like jobs with the government." Of course, the question is: is this the only case like this? Are there more places where an operator entry glitch has caused some function to simply disappear? Things like this happen when live people are accidentally classed as "dead," etc. What happens if someone types the wrong thing, and the local branch of your bank, or MacDonalds, or whatever, simply ceases to exist, to the central computer? Jane Beckman [jane@swdc.stratus.com] ---------------------------------------------------- From: marc@skypod.uucp (Marc Fournier) --------------------- The quack was selling a potion which he declared would make one live to a ripe old age. "Look at me," he shouted, "hale and hearty. I'm over three hundred years old." "Is he really as old as that?" asked a listener of the young assistant. "I can't say," replied the assistant, "I've only worked for him a hundred years." ------------------------' One man found the key to safe driving for his wife. He reminded her that if she had an accident, the newspapers would print her age with the police report. ------------------------- Before the plane took off, the flight attendant gave chewing gum to all the passengers. "This will keep your ears from popping when we attain a high altititude," she told them. After the plane landed, a worried-looking man came over to the flight attendant. "This was my first flight," he told her. "It was very nice, but now that it's over, could you tell me how to get this gum out of my ears?" ------------ The maid had just been discharged. Extracting five dollars from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all this time." ------------ A little boy who had spent a week at a dude ranch told his mother excitedly: "Mom, I even saw a man who makes horses." "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied. "He had the horse nearly finished when I saw him, and he was just nailing on the feet." ---------------------------------------------------- From cybapunk@tornado.gen.nz (Phil Ross) ------------------------------ A very proud mother phoned up a big Sunday newspaper and reported that she'd given birth to seven children. The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message and asked: "Would you repeat that?" "Not if I can help it," the woman replied. ------------------------------ Excuse me, sire," said the down and out tramp to the millionaire he accosted in the street. "I've trudged over 100 miles to meet you because I've heard that you are the world's kindest and most generous man." "Indeed," said the millionaire. "And will you be going back the same way?" "I expect so, sir." "Then do me a favour, will you? Just deny that rumor when you get back." ------------------------------ A little girl called Esme Pipple was taken by her father to a seance. When they arrived, the medium asked Esme is there was anybody she would like to contact and speak to. "I'd like to speak to my Granny," said Esme. "Certainly, my dear," said the medium, going into a deep trance. He began to moan and talk in a strange voice, saying "This is your Granny speaking from Heaven... a wonderful place in the skies. Is there anything you'd like to ask me, my child?" "Yes, Granny," said Esme. "What are you doing in Heaven when you're not even dead yet?" ------------------------------ POLICEMAN : Here! Why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous spot? Can't you see there's a zebra crossing only forty yards away? PEDESTRIAN: Well, I hope the poor beast is having better luck than I am. ------------------------------ The solicitor was reading the late Wilberforce Toeworthy's will, and had just reached the final paragraph. In a deep voice he intoned : "I always said I'd remember my dear wife, Gertrude, and mention her in my will. So - hello there, Gertie!" ------------------------------ 1ST ESKIMO : That's strange. I installed radiators in my kayak and it immediately went up in flames! How do you explain that? 2ND ESKIMO : Simple, my friend. You can't hope to have your kayak and heat it too! (Cake and eat it too) ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16849 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 17 May 91 11:50:24 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life 7.B From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- God invented mothers because he couln't be every where at once And God invented guilt because mothers could be every where at once. ---------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better. ---------------------------------------------------- One of my American friends commented about soccer: We guys don't play this game much. You have to use your head a lot in this game, you know........ ---------------------------------------------------- "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth ---------------------------------------------------- Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post ---------------------------------------------------- Rather remeniscent of a line by Tom Lehrer, from the introduction to the song "It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier," which goes something to the effect of: "All kidding about the army aside, one must admire the way the military has followed the democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in that they forbid discrimination not only on the basis of race, creed, and color, but on the basis of......ability." ---------------------------------------------------- Overheard in the regimental mess: First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?" Second soldier: "No way, Jose!" First soldier: "Whyever not?" Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!" ---------------------------------------------------- There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine. Four and eight makes 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth was a ship. Ships sail in the sea. The sea has fish. Fish have fins. The Finns are always fighting the Russians. Russians are known as "red". Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red. ---------------------------------------------------- It's not whether you win or lose It's whether *I* win or lose. ---------------------------------------------------- #A LUCKY MACINTOSH USER had the Talking Moose program (Addison-Wesley Publishing Co.) working on his Macintosh when burglars broke into his home while he was away. Presumably thinking there was someone in the home, the burglars left the room with the Macintosh alone. --Seattle Times 4/30 ---------------------------------------------------- When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying. -"Your mother insulted me, very much.", she sobbed. -"My mother ? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other side of the world ?" -"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious." -"And ?" -"At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Catherine, when you've read this letter, don't forget to give it to my son." ---------------------------------------------------- -"I dont know how to make my wife stop buying all these gloves." -"Buy her a diamond ring." ---------------------------------------------------- They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am." The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock !!!" ---------------------------------------------------- The police arrested 2 tramps, one for drinking battery fluid, the other for eating a firework. What did they do with them? Well, they charged one, and let the other one off. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new breakfast special, it's called the LAPD Egg? It's one egg, with the hell beaten out of it. Did you hear about the guy who got caught beating somebody up? He was charged with impersonating an officer. ---------------------------------------------------- In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equally stubborn, none of them wants to reverse. They angrily look one at the other. Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading. The other one says: -"Will you, please, when you've finished the paper, give it to me ?" ---------------------------------------------------- From England: A student starts his summer job at IBM. The manager tells him his first task is to sweep the floor. "But", he protests, "I can't do that, I'm a Coventry Poly Computer Science Student !" "Well in that case" says the manager, "Your first task is to learn how to use the broom" ------------------------- What does the poly graduate say to the university graduate ? "Guilty, M'lud" ------------------------- Q. Did you hear about the Newcastle uni grad student who successfully enrolled on a post grad course at cov poly? A. No,neither has anybody............ ---------------------------------------------------- From: chiyo@tharr.UUCP (Douglas Spencer) I heard this joke on a BBC Radio 4 Documentary on Finland, on 15/4/91. Two Finnish gentlemen decide they are going to do some drinking. They lay on some supplies and shut themselves away in a room. They drink solidly for three days. Then, one of them turns to the other to say "Do you think that perhaps we should *eat* something ?" The other one replies "Did we come here to drink, or to talk ?" ---------------------------------------------------- From: monson@cayman.AMD.COM (Steve Monson) Here's another my father told me many long years ago... A truck driver is hauling a load of new automobiles one night, when his headlights go out. He tries to fix them, but to no avail. He can't afford to spend the night without driving, since the cars must be delivered the next day. It's a lonely country road, so there's no one even coming along whom he can ask for help. Finally he figures out how to solve his problem: he turns on the headlights of the car over the truck cab. The lights shine down on the road, and he proceeds to haul his load. Some time later, a car approaches. As the truck and car get about fifty yards apart, the car suddenly swerves off the road into the ditch. The trucker pulls to a stop and runs back to see what made the car driver do such a thing. He asks the motorist, "Are you all right? What happened? Why did you run off the road so suddenly?" The driver looks at the trucker and says, "I saw these headlights coming at me, and thought, 'If it's that high, how _wide_ is it?!?'" ---------------------------------------------------- A BYU coed was driving on the road from school to home when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking. "What do you do?" "I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife." "Oh, does that mean you are available?" ---------------------------------------------------- unclear on the concept: The Met Office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said: "Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are at risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines." {News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post} ---------------------------------------------------- This came from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" section of PC Magazine. A guy was following a set of instructions to format a floppy diskette. Step 1 : Put diskette in disk drive. The man puts the disk in the drive... Step 2 : Close the door. The man gets up and, with a confused look on his face, walks over to the door to his office and closes it. ---------------------------------------------------- An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand. ---------------------------------------------------- Our computer (a Unisys thing) has periodic maintanence done on it once a month. This particular morning the Unisys techies were stumped. The computer was on but nothing happened on the console (Keep in mind that this computer has 150 terminals on it). After three hours, at $96/hour, one of the techs turned up the brightness on the monitor. ---------------------------------------------------- When running QEMM on a 386/MS-DOS machine and the program does a protection violation, it reports: General exception fault #13 at ABCD:1234 (T)erminate Program, (R)eboot, or (T)ry to continue? _Try_ to continue? Hmmm... ---------------------------------------------------- -- A CI (Computer Illiterate) reads in the manual that when you save something, it creates a file. The person saves what he/she is doing, then gets up, walks over to the file cabinet, and flips through the files, trying to find the new one. -- A CI who follows baseball reads that his computer has 640K memory. The CI then spends five or so hours trying to figure out how the computer can pitch a strike-out. -- A CI refuses to use a laser printer because he/she fears it will burn a hole through the paper. -- A CI buys a home computer with a hard disk. He/she unpacks the computer, sets it up, then calls the place he/she bought it from, complaining that there were no disks in the box at all, hard or floppy. ---------------------------------------------------- Another story, I used to work in a PC retail store that specialized in Apples. Apparently, when the Apple III came out, it had a small problem with ventilation and when the chips would overheat, they would pop partway out of their sockets. When people called up to complain that their computer had broke, we would tell them to pick it up about an inch off the desk and drop it. ---------------------------------------------------- A person has just gotten a new printer. She plugs in the printer, walks across the room, tries to print something with no connection to the printer, and then wonders why it doesn't print. Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached? ---------------------------------------------------- While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat." I said type this in "type autoexec.bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'. ---------------------------------------------------- from the Wall St Journal 4/26/91... Satirist Argus Hamilton says the U.S. is still trying to drive Saddam Hussein nuts: "Just today, his wife received a dozen roses signed, 'You were wonderful last night. Love, Frank Sinatra.' " ---------------------------------------------------- Taken from the Houston Chronicle Page 2A from Thursday, April 18, 1991 In response to Lenore Skenazy, who asked Advertising Age readers to come up with bumper stickers for Saddam Hussien: "My Army imvaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker" "Quit honking! I'm retreating as fast as I can" "Dukakis-Bentsen in '92" "If you don't like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries" "Lose Kuwait now! Ask me how" "If you're rich and own a uranium refining plant, I'm single" "If you can read this you're probably with the 1st Airborne" "Bomb me, I need the insurance" ---------------------------------------------------- Paraphrased from Sen. Robt. Dole from a recent appearance on "This Week": Q: What's the difference between John Sununu and the Iraqi Air Force? A: John Sununu flies more often. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What was Saddam's secret weapon against the allied land offensive? A: The thousands of Iraqi military who surrendered and slowed the advance of the allied troops... ---------------------------------------------------- The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics: 1. Engage the enemy. 2. Draw him into your territory. 3. Wait until winter sets in. ---------------------------------------------------- Paraphrased from one of the major news anchors reporting on the Iraqi's having arrived for the cease-fire talks: "Once again, the Iraqi's were well-dressed. It seems they have better tailors than military tactics." ---------------------------------------------------- On the contrary, SCUD jokes are very popular, though mostly silly (I wonder if staying too long in a sealed room affects one's brain?). Some examples: Where does Saddam hide his missiles? In Scudinavia! What kind of car does he drive? A Scudillac! What should one do before crossing a street in Ramat-Gan [the town which had the most hits]? Look to the right, to the left, and upwards! (From a stand-up comic on TV): "They told us the chances of being hit by a SCUD are like winning the big prize in the state lottery. But they forgot to tell us there are going to be three drawings every night!" ---------------------------------------------------- Saw this on a car wash billboard in Indianapolis: IRAQI AIR FORCE MOTTO: I CAME I SAW IRAN ---------------------------------------------------- What does Sadaam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell are those Tomahawks are coming from! ---------------------------------------------------- Sign seen on the Marines' first division command center, Saudi Arabia: MARINES: When you care to send the very best. ---------------------------------------------------- The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as: If it doesn't move, hide behind it. If it does move, surrender to it. ---------------------------------------------------- Safer as Allied troup than US driver (Jan - Feb 1991) Allied KIA's 182 People killed in US traffic accidents during same period of time 4,440 (source: US News and World Report) ---------------------------------------------------- Selections from stuff collected by Dale Fraser ----------------- Q. How many members of the Iraqi Joint Chiefs of Staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to find out the actual results, one to tell Saddam what Saddam wants to hear, and finally one to be shot for it. Q. How many members of the coalition forces does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time. Q: What's the difference between the Iraqi army and a loaf of bread? A: You can make soldiers out of the bread! ----------------- From: okunewck@psuvax1.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick) "Do you surrender?" "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!" "Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked." ----------------- From: grazier@maxwell.physics.purdue.edu (Kevin R. Grazier) Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system? A: A refund. ----------------- From: bdh@uchicago (Brian D. Howard) WHat do you call an Iraqui tank that has been painted pink? -Thats a mosque. What do you call the white one with the red crescent? -Thats a hospital. How do you tell the Iraqui Hero? -He's the one that waited 30 seconds before he surrendered. -------------- From: cirby@vaxb.acs.unt.edu (((((C.Irby))))) Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb? A: I give up! -------------- From: jmartin@ntmtv.UUCP (Jeff Martin) This just in from Radio Bagdad: "Help! My army has fallen..... ...and it can't get up" ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 15586 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 8 Jun 91 18:24:43 PDT (Saturday) Subject: Life 7.C From: Cate3 To: Cate3 Selections from Spaf's collection: ---------------------------------------------------- While you're at the shore, take a bucket of paint and a brush, paint the backs of all the boats, and really get the folks annoyed at you as you leave no stern untoned. ---------------------------------------------------- But what if it is true? Lynn Persoff was sentenced for contempt of court in August for violating a court order (on a divorce settlement) not to bad-mouth her ex-husband, Myron. At a black-tie social event in Boca Raton, Fla., a community in which both are well-known socialites, she called him a "moron." ---------------------------------------------------- Where do you want to go to jail In January, Bernard Sexton, 26, of Cambridge, Ill., withdrew his guilty plea to misdemeanor alcohol charges and pleaded instead to a related felony, good for an 18-month sentence. Reason: The county jail where misdemeanants are sent bans smoking, but the state prison permits it. ---------------------------------------------------- One way to take care of the world's population The IRS has reported the "disappearance" of more than 8 million American children during the late 1980s, "caused" by tax reform legislation. That number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the IRS started requiring proof that such children existed. ---------------------------------------------------- let him die? Brian Kernodle, 21, walked into a Key West hospital emergency room in January with two hand grenades strapped to his body and demanded medical care. After being promised care, he disarmed himself, explaining that he thought his approach was the best way to ensure that he would get attended to in the busy hospital. ---------------------------------------------------- It seems that in Florida, when EMS was just beginning many years ago, there was an ER doctor on the med channels who was talking to paramedics who were trying to restar a guy's heart, to no avail. As the medics kept trying, the MD ordered every drug in the drug box into the patient, in the hopes that *SOMETHING* would work. When his last option was exhausted, in desperation, he asked "Is there a phone book there?" The surprised medics answered affirmatively, and the MD asked "Do you know this guy's name?" The bewildered medics again answered yes. "OK," the doc said, "Look up his name and CROSS IT OUT..." ---------------------------------------------------- From: cj@modernlvr.wpd.sgi.com (C J Silverio) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre durrell@umaxc.weeg.uiowa.edu (Cyberpixie) writes: Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books you used to see? I want to use that style to write technical manuals for products in development. "If this engineering decision is made, turn to page 40. Otherwise, turn to page 62." ---------------------------------------------------- This story came by way of Ian Smith and Keith Edwards . Date: Sat, 06 Apr 91 13:08:00 -0800 From: "S. Ansell" Hi, My name is Seth, I'm a grad student in color science at RIT in Rochester N.Y., an area in which the national weather bureau states that we receive an average of 62 sunny days per year. One of the many advantages of this, is that, unlike people who live in California, *we don't have to worry about getting skin cancer.* Anyhow, I was cleaning out my mail files and found this... I thought someone out there might appreciate it. HEAVY BOOTS About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that, while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just float away if you let go of it on the Moon. My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room, I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like "What's your problem?" "But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more slowly." I protested. "No it wouldn't." the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far away from the Earth's gravity." Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, didn't you?" I countered, "why didn't they float away?" "Because they were wearing heavy boots." he responded, as if this made perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of logic classes). By then I realized that we were each living in totally different worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those people be so stupid?" I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time, but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake." To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people and asked each this question: 1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go, will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the ground? About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question: 2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, why didn't they fall off? About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing heavy boots." ---------------------------------------------------- In article <2550@odin.cs.hw.ac.uk>, sfleming@cs.hw.ac.uk (Stewart T. Fleming) writes: A couple of literature-related topics this month : The Director of one of Britain's radio stations has cancelled the serialization of Tolstoy's epic "War and Peace". Ten weeks of the series had been broadcast before it was realised that at the current rate of progress, it would take approximately 70 years to complete the book. As compensation, the station is now running a competition to win a video commentary on the book. This comes in the form of a 3-video set. In Russian. Without subtitles. It could be worse. One of Japan's daily newspapers has been serialising a novel for the past 20 years. It is expected to be published in a 40-volume hardback set "shortly". Another BBC Radio programme (Radio 4's "Strange Tales") has revealed a mysterious 250-year-old scandal involving the statue commemorating William Shakespeare in Westminster Abbey. Sharp-eyed readers will note that the inscription on the statue appears to be Prospero's famous speech (which I have conveniently forgotten. "...The cloud-cupp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces, Shall dissolve and leave not a wreck behind..." ?) from "The Tempest" (generally taken to be W.S.'s last play), but in fact it has been altered quite intentionally. The difference has been noted for some while now, but the significance has only recently become apparent. The chairman of the Baconian Society, Mr Thomas Brockenham, claims that the inscription actually contains a secret code, which when decoded using a cipher published in 1625 (!), reveals the claim that "The Tempest" was actually written by Francis Bacon. More interestingly, the statue was erected by public subscription by several prominent pupils of Bacon, including Alexander Pope. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Do you know calculus? From: lvron@earth.lerc.nasa.gov (Ronald E. Graham) The differential of hi over ho is (ho d hi - hi d ho) over ho ho. Subject: Local college offers Star Trek anthropology course Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.info An article in the Thursday,February 7 Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg, VA) by Michael Zitz was about an undergraduate anthropology course examining episodes of Star Trek (TOS) for their anthropological relevance. The instructor, Prof. Margaret Huber, had noticed that students who seemed bored and listless during a review session for physical anthropology perked up when she referred to an old Star Trek episode to make a point. The course Anthropology 472: Anthology of Star Trek analyzes Star Trek as a mirror of contemporary American culture and American attitudes about other cultures. There is no dramatic criticism, film criticism, or literary criticism involved, the focus is to teach the class to look at the episodes with an anthropologist's eye. The 22 episodes chosen for this class all demonstrate how American popular culture has led to a mixture of fact and fiction. One example used is "The Paradise Syndrome", in which Captain Kirk is stranded on an Earth-like planet that has produced a civilization similar to that of Native Americans before the intrusion of the white man. The anthropological point of this episode is that American popular culture portrays all Native Americans as Plains Indians, and that has resulted in a mish-mash of dwellings, dress, rites, and symbols in the Star Trek episode. The instructor cautions that this is not a course for those students looking for an easy A but a real anthropology course that uses material that many of today's college students are already familiar with to examine anthropological theory. ---------------------------------------------------- These are quotes Dan Quayle is suppose to have made: Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989 We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights. -- Vice President Dan Quayle I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. -- Vice President Dan Quayle If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990 Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of. -- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term "target prices." Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds. May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -- Vice President Dan Quayle The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the -- to the back! -- Vice President Dan Quayle We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 ---------------------------------------------------- Contributed by: mark thompson (mark@megatek.UUCP) True fact (humor in the financial press): A very large government contractor (VLGC) is involved in a proxy fight with a questionable outside investor (QOI). The QOI published the following in a large number of big city newspapers (BCNs). It quotes statements from the VLGC's annual statement and the QOI's translation... quote [VLGC] says Our translation We characterize 1989 as a transitional year which prepared us for strong 1989 was a bad year financial performance in 1990 and beyond. [VLGC]'s sales increased slightly when Sales are down $541 million. adjusted for completion of the But they're up if you count program. business we don't have anymore. A third initiative centers on our efforts to attract commercial aircraft sub- contracting work to our facilities in We still haven't found a Georgia. We are continuing discussions replacement business for the with potential customers and expect to . build this base significantly. The write-offs are expected to cover excess The write-offs will be even costs to completion after estimated pricing higher unless the govern- adjustments and contract changes. ment agrees to rewrite the contracts. Absent the write-off on the air- Profit margins are down. But craft modification program margins also they are up if you don't improved for the technology services group. count the business we lost money on. The stock buy-back program to recover from the market share equivalent to those issued We stopped buying back shares to the ESOP was suspended in 1989, pending because we were running out clarification of the timing of cash require- of money. ments related to the 1989 write-offs. There are hundreds of ongoing programs Our funded backlog keeps going throughout [VLGC] that form a solid business down: base. Many of the programs extend well into the future. Ordinarily, because of the method 1986 $9.7 billion of funding of government programs, they do 1987 $8.4 billion not appear in the backlog beyond the current 1988 $7.4 billion year. 1989 $7.1 billion Early this year, we agreed with the customer that work on future phases of this program We got fired. will be performed by another supplier. Regarding the , several factors have occasioned design and schedule difficulties in developing the aircraft. Significant among these factors was an expectation of a high We bid on the wrong plane. degree of commonality with the which turned out not to be attainable due to other performance characteristics required by the Navy. *start* 14395 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 17 Jun 91 11:45:30 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 7.D From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- { This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. } PILGRAM INTERUPTERS =================== The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different. The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the captain. First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They spent the winter there. Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor of Plymouth Rock. A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interupt. Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers freedom of goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving. The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national holiday all around the world. These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them. The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls wore funny bonets. But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States wouldn't be like it is today. Selections from Stuff collected by Gunter Ahrendt : ---------------------------------------------------- From: s65327@ursa.calvin.edu (John A. Bolhuis) Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road? --Famous Peoples Conjectures-- [Why did the chicken cross the road?] Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross! Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken? Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado. Thomas Paine: Out of common sense. TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala. Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs. Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning proprely. Ah canna work miracles, captain! Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by. Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich. William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility. Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer. Bill the Cat: Oop Ack. Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway. Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know. Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which thank goodness are good, dahling. George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights. Epicurus: For fun. TS Eliot revisited: Do I dare to cross the road? Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads. Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too? Salvador Dali: The Fish. Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road. Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime. Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead. Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum. Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross. Candide: To cultivate its garden. George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration. Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men. James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost! Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium. Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist. The Sphinx: You tell me. --- Reprinted with permission from the December, 1989 issue of the Calvin College Dialogue Note regarding original material contained therein: This collection of Chicken Jokes was dreamed up by the staff members of the Calvin College Dialogue last year. Now I was a staff member, and I wrote some of the jokes myself, but the others (Steve Mulder, Heather Gemmen, et.al.) wrote many of them as well. What I am trying to say is that this is original material, but it was created by a group of weirdos, not just one weirdo. -John Bolhuis ---------------------------------------------------- Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Clones are people two. "During the earthquake, Bill's zip code changed three times before he got out of bed. Question on government questionnaire : "Have you ever committed suicide?" If we don't get some money in our bank account soon, we'll be arrested for impersonating the government. Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated Your battery needs a new car. ---------------------------------------------------- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report, called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. ---------------------------------------------------- The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch w/ reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view." ---------------------------------------------------- Mum went to pick my (half-) sister up from Kindergarten yesterday, and the kid came out with pieces of sticky-tape on her upper and lower lips. "Look Mum, Lip-stick!" ---------------------------------------------------- -"Do I get a guarantee, if I buy this car ?" -"Oh, yes, we guarantee it's a car." ---------------------------------------------------- The cyclist, passing a pedestran crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down. -"Geez, are you lucky." The cyclist says. -"What do you mean by lucky ?" The pedestrian angrily asks. "I got hurt really bad." -"Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus." ---------------------------------------------------- A Newfoundlander was accused of purse snatching. He decided to represent himself in court rather than hire a lawyer. The first question he asked the lady on the witness stand was "Did you actually SEE my face when I took your purse?" ---------------------------------------------------- The CENSUS TAKER knocked on the door of a backwoods shack. An old timer came out, asking what he wanted "The President has sent us across the country to find out how many people live in the United States," the man replied. "I'm sorry you came all the way out here to ask me," said the hillbilly, "cause I ain't got the faintest idea." ---------------------------------------------------- Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only want money." ---------------------------------------------------- I definitely think we're in trouble. I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called... "The Never-Ending Story 2" ---------------------------------------------------- Sergei Yevshin, a coal miner on strike in the Ukraine was quoted in this weekend's The European [newspaper] as saying: "We watched with envy on television as American soldiers gave out packets of Marlboro cigarettes to Iraqi prisoners of war. Many of us have to work an entire shift underground to afford one packet of Marlboro. I want to surrender to the Americans." ---------------------------------------------------- He was prosecuted. The judge asked him "Don't you need a lawyer ?" "No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth." ---------------------------------------------------- After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "..and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone." ---------------------------------------------------- While visiting Iowa State University this week, Dan Quayle observed that the reason for low voter turnout is the difficulty in getting to the poles. Said the Vice President: "Even in this modern age of rapid transit, it can take several days to get to either pole -- North or South." ---------------------------------------------------- So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks." ---------------------------------------------------- Three blokes die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. StP Hi, what's your name? Pete Pete. StP Hi, Pete. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Pete 120K StP Wow! Tell me, Pete, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Pete I was a lawyer. StP That's great. Come on in. ( To 2nd bloke. ) Hi, what's your name? Rog Rog. StP Hi, Rog. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Rog 60K. StP Hey, that's great! Tell me, Rog, what did you do for a crust? Rog I was an accountant. StP That's very good. Come on in. ( To 3rd bloke. ) Hi, what's your name? John John. StP Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John About $13,000. StP Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play? ---------------------------------------------------- Real Engineers... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their birthday. Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy. Real engineers have a non-technial vocbulary of 800 words. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, tele- visions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Farenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a con- versation with a dail tone or busy signal. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. *start* 15545 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 25 Jul 91 17:56:38 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.E From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- "TV is a medium (pause) because it is neither rare or well done." Ernie Kovacs ---------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't art students play hide and seek? A: Because nobody wants to look for them. ---------------------------------------------------- I remember one mechanical engineer. When he stopped to think you could practically smell the wood burning ---------------------------------------------------- musician jokes: Q1: What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola? Q2: What is the definition of a minor second? Q3: What are burning oboes good for? Q4: Why are bassoons better than oboes? A1: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. A2: Two oboes playing in unison. A3: Lighting bassoons on fire. A4: They burn longer. ---------------------------------------------------- Student Bloopers: ---------------- A hamlet is a little pig. A gargoyle is seen on church towers and people's necks. Faith is a quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue. Chalk and sand can always be seperated by flirtation The commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," means that you should not put water in milk, or cheat in any way similar. The locusts were the chief plague in Egypt. They ate all the first-born. Joseph was so straight that Pharaoh made a ruler of him. If David had one fault, it was a slight tendency to adultery. The wise men brought gifts of gold and frankfurters. John the Baptist was beheaded with the Ax of the Apostles The three wise men were Winken, Blinken, and Nod. ---------------------------------------------------- MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX Please, don't drink and derive. Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving ---------------------------------------------------- Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them 'round and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent sailing through the air and land, clawing and biting, among the Scot's foes. This was very effective. Word got out of this fearsome stratagem, and soon just the sound of the cats, howling and screeming as they were whirled over the heads of the Scotsmen, was enough to send even battle-hardened foes into full retreat. But the Scots began to run out of cats. So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute. And now you know ... the rest of the story. ;-) ---------------------------------------------------- Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type? ---------------------------------------------------- (Thanx to Jim Ellingsen for providing this quote, and a reminder of this WONDERFUL book ... MUST reading for any chocoholic with a sense of humor.) As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" ---------------------------------------------------- With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself. ---------------------------------------------------- If dreaming you are a muffler causes you to wake up exhausted, does dreaming that you are a wheel rim cause you to awaken still tired? ---------------------------------------------------- (Another item from "News of the Weird":) An Austin, Texas, grand jury indicted Michael Taylor, 25, last May for registering to vote under 37 different names of dead people. Taylor denied bad motives: "I wasn't going to use it for voting. It was just to be doing something. I had some problems in my life." (Indeed, none of the 37 had voted in the March 1990 primary.) ---------------------------------------------------- From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin) I have to add the following sign to your list: This sign is seen on several freeways around the S.F. Bay Area: Speed Enforced By Aircraft (small picture of a plane) Makes me wonder what the pilot is going to do if I'm caught speeding? Do they use F-16's? I can just imagine the Calif Hiway Patrol saying something like: There is a speeder, lets shoot him down!!!!! From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin) A while back you posted a few strange traffic signs, to which I replied about "speed enforced by aircraft". Well, I was in Vancouver, Canada this past weekend and saw two more to add to your collection. The signs read: |------------| | PLAYGROUND | | | | X X | | X | | X X | | | | Stop when | | Occupied | |------------| |------------| | SCHOOL | | | | X X | | X | | X X | | | | Stop when | | Occupied | |------------| It was a rather large 'X', obviously meaning crosswalk (its a universal symbol used alot in Canada for crosswalk signs). But to a visitor, the "X" was not at all obvious. It looked like one of our railroad crossing X's, but with no letters. It was also a light grey color on a white sign. SO the sign reads to me that if the school or playground are occupied, you should stop. That could keep you there a LONG time. ---------------------------------------------------- A major corporation bought a Cray to use in R&D. On a tour of the department, a executive remarked that it was a lot of money for such a small machine. The engineer countered that it did calculations 100 times faster than their old machine, allowing them to things they only used to dream of before. Impressed, the executive remarked it probably calculate this huge spreasheet of his in under a second. Sadly, the engineer informed his boss that Lotus didn't make a verious of 1-2-3 for the Cray. At this, the executive remarked: "What do mean, its not PC-compatible?" ---------------------------------------------------- Helmut Kohl and his top ministers are in an important meeting when one of the aides comes in and whispers in Helmut's ear that he is wanted on the phone. Kohl excuses himself, and comes back ten minutes later looking very sad and shocked. - What's wrong Helmut? asks one of the ministers. - It's a bad day for my family, says he, I've just heard that my father died this morning. Naturally everyone is very sympathetic, but Kohl suggest they go on with the meeting anyway. Half an hour later Kohl has go leave for another phone call, and when he comes back again, he manages to look even more upset than before. - What's wrong now Helmut? - This is trully a bad day for my family, he replies, That was my brother on the phone, and HIS father has died too! ---------------------------------------------------- Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - Random number generator determines grade. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A. ---------------------------------------------------- From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov) -"It's unbeliavable how the number of cars is increasing." A driver sadly says to his friend. -"Yes, really, you could say: As soon as you park you car besides another car and turn your back on them, they've made a baby." A police officer stops a man driving in the opposite direction in a one way street. -"Didn't you see the arrow ?" -"Arrow ?" the driver, obviously all saused, replies,"I didn't even see the indians." On a street, where the speed is limited to 30mph the police stops a driver. -"So then. Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been overtaking where it was not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tyres all completely worn out... This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name ?" -"Schtrodzuwskibladssmurtow Vocgelghfstulmfph." -"Hmmmm...eh...well, I'll let you go this time...but don't do it again." A doctor is talking to a car mechanic: -"Your debit several times more per hour then we get paid for medical caring." -"Yea, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month." ---------------------------------------------------- HAMLET (Condensed to three minutes) by Adam MacNaughton. (as sung by Michael Carthy to the tune Mason's Apron) There was a king nodding in his garden all alone When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Now listen kiddo, I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius, Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is." The kid says, "Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty, So that no one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty" So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend, Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling. Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile, Tells Rosencranz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile Till a troupe of travelling actors like seven eighty four Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore. Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating He wonders if the ghost's a fake and that is why he's waiting So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked The play was called "The Mousetrap," not the one that's running now, And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose, The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows, So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man. Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti Was the the king's excuse to send for an English hempen necktie With Rosencranz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair. When Laertes heard his dad was killed in the bedroom of the heiress He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot foot from Paris When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari. Hamlet, Hamlet no messin' Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust Convinced him all men good and bad at last must come to dust. Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution, The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes And to to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line) He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it Because he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it. Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine and as her face turned blue, Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through." "Incestuous murderous damned Dane," he said to be precise Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice. He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips Then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips. They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after. Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way And if you thought that was confusing you should read the bloody play. - David ---------------------------------------------------- From: "Dean Gottehrer" A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then...they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal. The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband "He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too." He replied "Dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan you've seen Amal." ---------------------------------------------------- From: cms2839@isc.rit.edu (a.stranger) ------------------------------------------------------------ When it's really cold out I like to stand outside and watch all the smokers pass out because they don't know when they're finished exhaling. ------------------------------------------------------------ "I've been smoking 5 packs a day for 10 years and my lung feels fine!" (singular, not a typo)--------------------------^ ------------------------------------------------------------ Okay, here's one in a Singapore newspaper some time ago: (offending to smokers) When you light up, you are not really the one smoking. The cigarette is smoking .... you are just the sucker at the other end ! ------------------------------------------------------------ "I don't mind you smoking, it's when I'm breathing that it bothers me". *start* 17034 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Aug 91 20:45:57 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 7.F From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Canada and the U.S.A.? The U.S.A. has George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder. And Canada has Brian Mulroney, No Cash, No Hope... No Wonder! ---------------------------------------------------- Q: You've got Paul Keating, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein and 2 bullets. What are you going to do? A: Shoot Keating twice. ---------------------------------------------------- I originally heard it in NZ some years ago during an english tour against the all-blacks(or something like that) I've made it more topical though. And in case anyone wonders about it, I dont like rugby, but live in a house full of rugby fans. The Queenslanders had come down to Sydney to play the second State of Origin rugby game. They had been doing well, so Mal (Meninga) and Wally (Lewis), told the rest of the team they could go down to the pub, and they would play the game out for them. Well, come half-time, the Q`landers are leading 36-0, so Mal says to Wally, "You can go down the pub as well, I'll finish up here and meet you there later". So Wally leaves. After the Match, down at the pub, Wally asks Mal, "How did it go?" "Not good," replied Mal, "We won 40-30." "Why did you let them get so close?", asked Wally. "Well, I didn't have a choice, I was sent off 5 minutes into the second half". ---------------------------------------------------- Blackadder is a TV show, Blackadder quotes: "I wanted to see a war fought SO badly" "Well, you've come to the right place. A war hasn't been fought THIS badly since King Otto the Incredibly Stupid ordered 8000 viking helmets with the horns on the INside." Lord Melchit: Lord Blackadder. Our foremost cartographers have given us a map of the area you'll be traversing. BA: But it's blank! LM: Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go. BA: I thought it was common maratime practise to have a crew. Capt Rum: Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord. All the other captains say it is. I say it isn't. ---------------------------------------------------- Another story that does the rounds here - I've no idea how true it is or if it's an UL - this guy was sitting an exam in Trinity College here (old college, bout 400 years old). In the middle of the exam, he called a porter and requested his pint of ale. The porter, of course, just looked at him.}i Our hero then produced a copy of the *o-l-d* regulations which stipulated that a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment. The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes in the future, checked the college regulations. They then provided your man with his glass of ale - but promptly fined him for not wearing his ceremonial sword. ---------------------------------------------------- Helmut Kohl was out one day in his limo when he suddenly realised he needed to make a very important telephone call. He didn't want to use the VIP telephone in the car because he was sure that some spys left over from the East German Secret Police were tapping his telephone line. He decides that the only safe way he can make his telephone call in private was to use a public payphone. Helmut asked his driver to stop at the next public telephone box. When the driver stopped at the next phone, Chancellor Kohl got out of the car and walked into the kiosk. He put his hand in his pocket but to his dismay he had no loose change on him. He walked out in to the street and asked the first pedestrian he saw whether they could lend him a coin to make his telephone call. The pedestrian ignored his request and walked off. I know, thought Helmut. Perhaps that person didn't realise who I was. Just as another pedestrian walks past Helmut runs up to them and says : "Do you know who I am ? I am Chancellor Helmut Kohl. Could you please lend me a coin as I urgently need to telephone a friend." "Oh" says the pedestrian. "Well. Here are two coins. Now you will be able to ring both of your friends !" ---------------------------------------------------- From: urbanf@tuura.UUCP (Urban Fredriksson) Subject: History of mathematical education in Sweden (almost true) Historical examples from the teaching of mathematics in Swedish schools: 1950: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost of producing it is 4/5 of the price. What is the profit? 1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost of producing it is 16 crowns. Please figure out the profit. 1970: A farmer sells a set of potatoes (A) for a set of money (B). B is the set of all parts of B for which is: B is a crown. In the dash-set you have to for the set of B do (////////////////////) twenty small dashes, one for each crown. The set of the cost of producing (C) is sixteen (////////////////) small dashes. Draw the set of C as a part set of the set B and give the resulting set (D) which gives the answer for the question: What size has the profit set. 1980: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for 20 crowns. The cost of producing is 4/5 thereof, which is 16 crowns. The profit is 1/5, equal to 4 crowns. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with a comrade. ---------------------------------------------------- From Spaf's collection: ---------------------------------------------------- A West Hollywood merchant was robbed Monday by two men who rolled him up in an expensive Persian rug. They then stole 60 other rugs, valued at $500,000. The merchant, Samuel Shaoulian, managed to wriggle free 30 minutes later to call for help. ---------------------------------------------------- Yesterday, there was a news story about a 72-year old man who was killed by his goat. It seems he had been beating the goat regularly to make it mean and antagonistic to humans because he wanted to use it as a "watch goat." The goat finally had enough and butted the guy a couple of times. The man died of internal injuries. No mention of what happened to the goat. ---------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Reasons I entered grad school 10. Wanted to see if obnoxious people only existed in the real world. 9. Cravings for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinners. 8. Priesthood requires additional vow of chastity. 7. Internet not available at Burger King. 6. Missed the free exchange of ideas found at all campuses. 5 My school has no Friday classes. 4. My school has no morning classes. 3. I can stay up as late as I want! 2. Pillow fights with other grads make it all worthwhile. And the number one reason? 1. Currently pays better than real-world alternatives. ---------------------------------------------------- As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late 1970's. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred. There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat from a tree. Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond. The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height. The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach. The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free. The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of Niagara Falls, and was never seen again. This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult". Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who perform a dedicated and essential community function. ---------------------------------------------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: $ per car advertising Here's how much of your new car price went to advertising it on TV. ($ of TV advertising / new car sales = $ spent per sale) Peugeot $815 Hyundai $718 Mercedes $620 Subaru $573 Isuzu $490 Mazda $483 Missan $435 Toyota $381 Volkswagen $337 Honda $233 GM $198 Chrysler $198 Ford $123 Volvo $ 96 >From Fortune Magazine, May 20, 1991 ---------------------------------------------------- The best/worst football score, was of course Georgia Tech: 222 Cumberland Gap: 0 GT played everybody they had - anyone in uniform, and maybe the waterboys and cheerleaders (I forget). CG immediately and permanently disbanded its football team. Personally I have always suspected that the Falcons were comprised primarily of old CG men. [A whole book has been written on this game, and it is quite amusing. I don't remember the title, but I remember seeing the book. --spaf] ---------------------------------------------------- [Ed. I'm not sure where this came from, but it's wonderful!] This play concerns 1 engineer and 5 non-engineers (Marketing, Management etc.) It is an extended analogy, and speculates on the interaction if the goal were nothing as hard to understand as software development, but something much simpler. It is intended to put the problems in the software industry into a more realistic perspective than the usual attempts to solve them do. Engineer: So I understand that the task is to transport 12 people from their current location to the house of John Smith. Non-engineer1: That's right. What do you need to do this? Engineer: Well, that depends on where John Smith's house is and on where the 12 people are. Non-engineer1: The 12 people are at headquarters in Cambridge Massachusetts. Non-engineer2: The location of John Smith's house is a technical question. Potential changes in the market imply we should not narrow ourselves to an answer to that just now. Propose a solution that will work for all possible locations, Engineer: But that makes it an almost impossible problem. Non-engineer1: Now to return to the question of what you need... Engineer: What I need depends on the location of John Smith's house. Non-engineer3: Oh, John Smith's house is in Springfield, I'm sure of it. Engineer: Is that Springfield Massachusetts? or Springfield Illinois? Non-engineer3: What difference does it make? Springfield is Springfield! Non-engineer4: Well actually, he said he lived in Boston. Non-engineer3: Boston? No I am SURE he said Springfield. Non-engineer1: Is it possible that he meant the Boston-area? Non-engineer2: And we want the transportation to be handicapped accessible. Non-engineer4: Well, not in the first release. Non-engineer3: Right, leave that as a future improvement. Engineer: I'm going to make the simplifying assumption that the John Smith whose house is the destination lives in the city of Springfield that is closest to Boston, thus arguably in the Boston-area, thus that John Smith lives in Springfield Massachusetts, and that the transportation need not be handicapped accessible. Okay? Non-engineer4: Are you sure it was not James Jones whose house was the destination? Non-engineer1: No, we all agree it's John Smith. Engineer: So, SUBJECT to my simplifying assumption, I will need a transportation vehicle that seats at least 12 people. Non-engineer2: 12 people? That's non-standard! That'll takes us a while. Non-engineer1: It fits in the "buying externally visible things" budget. We can manage it. Engineer: I'll also need a map of Massachusetts. Non-engineer1: That is an "paper things" expense, and we have frozen all "paper things" expenses. I'm afraid you'll have to do without that. Engineer: I guess I can make do. Non-engineer: We'll let you know in a week. (3 weeks later) NE1: Here is your transportation vehicle. We have EXCEEDED your standards! Eng; Exceeded? Oh really? N1: Yes. Here is a transportation vehicle that seats MORE than 12 people! It seats 40 people! A 1968 bluebird schoolbus. Eng: Oh, a nonstandard bus, huh, I can work with that. NE1: How long until you can propose a solution? Eng: Give me a day to look over the bus. (1 day later) Eng: We have a problem. This bus has no engine. NE1: No engine? Well, you didn't specify that the vehicle have an engine. Eng: If it does not have an engine then it will not serve as a transportation vehicle. NE1: Well do the best you can. Eng: Well I cannot very well transport people in a vehicle without an engine. NE4: Could you push it? Eng: Can we BUY a second-hand engine? NE2: No, our "buying slightly expensive second-hand things" budget is used up. Eng: Can we buy it using the same money as we bought the bus with? NE1: No, an engine is not externally visible, but our "buying little things" budget still has money. Can we buy all the pieces of an engine and assemble it? Eng: Who's "we"? I cannot assemble an engine myself. If you have money for little things, let's buy a map. Can't you get me a roadworthy transportation vehicle somehow? It would be the easiest solution. NE1: No map. Too expensive. NE2: Well, if we can find a vehicle the meets the company's standards... If you are actually going to drive in it on public roads, it has to be safe enough. NE3: Well, maybe our "Replace old things with better things" budget has money. NE2: That is possible. NE1: Well, look into it. NE2: I shall. (6 weeks later) NE2: We HAVE a roadworthy vehicle for you. A 1974 VW Bug. Eng: But that does not seat 12 people. NE2: So make two trips. Eng: Three trips. NE2: Look, the details are YOUR problem. NE1: Did you solve the "map issue"? Eng: Yes, I borrowed a map from my old college room-mate. NE2: So it did not impact your delivery schedule. Eng: Delivery schedule? no. Possibly quality. You see, the map is in French and out of date, and is written for bicyclers, so my information is less reliable and it took me more time to read it. NE1: When can we expect delivery. Eng: How about tomorrow. (next day) Eng: Okay, where are the 12 people? NE2: Well, we needed the possibility of transporting 12 people, but there actually aren't 12 people here. Only 4 of us need to go. Eng: So that was not a real requirement. NE2: Of course it was a requirement. See it in this document? (pulls a document from an 18-inch (45 cm) high stack of papers). NE4: Shall we leave now? Eng: Yes, let's leave. NE1: How are we going to fit my wheelchair in a VW Bug? Eng: You said we didn't NEED handicapped accessible for this release. NE1: Handicapped accessible, no, but I WANT to roll into the car in my wheelchair. Eng: Into a VW Bug? How do you expect me to arrange that? No, handicapped accessible is in a later release. And rolling your wheelchair into the vehicle is part of that. (They fold and ties the wheelchair to the roof, get in the car and by an especially circuitous route because the car does not fit down some bicycling paths, arrive at the destination) Eng: Here we are, John Smith's house. NE4: Is this James Jones's house in Illinois? Eng: No, this is John Smith's house in Springfield, Massachusetts. NE4: But I thought... Eng: Did you read the documents? NE4: No, of course not. (a day later) NE1: We have to do something about our methodology. NE2: Yes, the delivery too much too long, and did not meet requirements. NE4: Engineers are not productive enough. NE3: The next time we want to do a transportation project we should make the engineer report his progress twice a day instead of daily. NE1: Yes, that should improve matters. *start* 16577 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 11 Sep 91 09:37:57 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 7.G From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- This is probably old, but I heard it from a friend for the first time a couple of days ago: Two Kentuckians [or your favorite ethnic/social group] were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!" ---------------------------------------------------- A telephone sales person makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone. Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please? Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy. Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother? Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too. Sales person: I see, how about your brother? Can I speak to him? Youngster: (whispering) No. He's busy too. Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister there? Can I talk to her? Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too. Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!! Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me. ---------------------------------------------------- Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?" ---------------------------------------------------- In New York City, Mayor David Dinkins's City Hall ceremony to honor the Super Bowl champion Giants had to be canceled after it was discovered that no one had invited the team. -- The American Spectator, April 1991 ---------------------------------------------------- Heard on a local radio station: Have you heard that Teddy Kennedy is running for office in Baghdad? Since all the bridges are gone, he should be a shoo-in. ---------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein has to do Before January 15 (Late Night With David Letterman - 1/10/91) 10. Call Jacoby & Mayers about will. 9. Get the best damn ear plugs money can buy. 8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only). 7. Week of appearances on "The Match Game". 6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels. 5. Get the Bat Signal to work. 4. RSVP "no" to wedding invitation from Stacy Ellis & Michael Tierney of Duluth, Minnesota. 3. Take the New York City cab drivers test. 2. Shower. 1. Fill out post office change of address card for hell. ---------------------------------------------------- Do you know what Saddam Hussein and the almost champion L. A. Lakers have in common? Neither of them can shoot with any accuracy over Jordan. ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam sends a battalion of the elite Republican Guard troops south to Kuwait to reinforce the troops already there. The battalion commander is at the front of the column, in a jeep, scanning the horizon with binoculars. He sees a lone Marine standing at the top of a hill, holding up his middle finger. The commander dispatches an armored personnel carrier to attack the Marine. As the carrier nears the top of the hill, the Marine disappears, and soon the carrier disappears over the hilltop, too. There's a lot of noise and smoke, then all is quiet. The Marine reappears, this time both arms upraised, with both middle fingers extended. Enraged, the commander signals for a whole column of tanks to go destroy the American. The tanks rumble up over the hill, there's a tremendous commotion, and then all is quiet. The commander is about to send the whole battalion over the hilltop when a lone Iraqi soldier, bruised and bloodied, comes crawling over the hilltop, into view. The soldier painfully cups his hands to his mouth and shouts something. The commander strains to hear. "Go back, go back. It's a trap. There's TWO of them." ---------------------------------------------------- A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" -Cindy ---------------------------------------------------- How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore... ---------------------------------------------------- Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing. Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything. Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers. ---------------------------------------------------- If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator It would be a good idea to just leave them there. ---------------------------------------------------- The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate Math course whose final always consisted of "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts." Then one year, a student answered as follows: The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts." The answer is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts." His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student. He got an A. The professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on. ---------------------------------------------------- A ``small college story'' going around here (at least three people have told me this story, each one claiming it was them): A student, working on a rather long math homework assignment, discovered that one problem fairly easy to solve, except that it required about three pages of fairly simple proof after the one or two difficult steps. It being rather late at night, he did the difficult steps and left the proof undone, along with a note: ``this proof is left as an exercise for the grader.'' Next week, he received his homework back. He noted that several extra pages had been stapled to the back of it. Examining the extra pages, he was surprised to find the entire proof written down step-by step. At the end, in red pen, the grader had written: ``I made a minor math error. minus 2.'' ---------------------------------------------------- From: reg@pinet.aip.org (Dr. Richard Glass) While taking a psych. course in college, the teacher had a habit of putting the following questions on an exam: "Ask yourself a question and answer it" Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation [* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]" and proceeded to solve it. The next day I stopped by the math office to see one of the profs. He told me "go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych. exam" I got full credit, and the psych prof. never put that question on an exam again. ---------------------------------------------------- From: neufeld@aurora.physics.utoronto.ca (Christopher Neufeld) Well, I've got a favorite story from my Math-Phys course in undergrad. I figure the statute of limitations on the marks has expired now, so here goes. The typical problem, show is equal to . The math was pretty nasty, and half-way through it looked like I'd need a clue to getting to the answer, so I went to the result and tried to work it back to the intermediate result (typical test/homework trick). They didn't meet. I had two expressions which I knew were equal from plugging into the calculator, but I couldn't show it algebraically. So, I used another familiar trick, between the two lines I wrote: ICBS (it can be shown) and stuck it between the two pieces I couldn't connect. Now, somebody else in the class did the same thing, exactly, and got stuck in exactly the same place. He wrote: TAMO (then a miracle occurs) in the same place. I got full marks, he lost marks and got a sarcastic comment from the corrector. ---------------------------------------------------- a professor was known for being an easy grader. the grades he gave for a survey course (i.e. the type where you are expected to learn generalities and not specifics) were based entirely on two exams, and the stuff on the exams was entirely covered in the textbook. so showing up for class wasn't a big deal. however, this started to get out of hand. as word of the course spread, each term there was a larger block of students who would show up infrequently or not at all, except for the exam days. finally, it got so bad that about half of the students one term never showed before the midterm. the say of the midterm everyone came in, and a graduate assistant handed out exams. "prof x. is sick, so he asked me to give you your exams." there was only one question in the exam booklets: "which one of the pictures below is of professor x?" obviously, the students who never showed up didn't know and had to guess. many failed, while the students who had been showing up regularly got As. ---------------------------------------------------- When I used to work on an oil rig, there were several of these that we used on new "hands". Many require knowledge of the field, but one of my favorites was when we told one new guy to run down to the tool room and get the pipe stretcher. He returned after several minutes looking kind of desperate and said he couldn't find it anywhere. We said it was okay because we didn't have time to wait, so we went ahead and stretched it by hand... He didn't catch on for another few days. --------------------------------------------------- Mail 5$ cash to the following organizations with a typed letter from the offending party expressing deep interest in their organizations: The NRA Scientology The Unification Church Westech Depending on their particular peeves, of course. you forgot: KKK American Nazi Party Atheists of America somebody did this to me almost 10 years ago... i still receive flyers and junk mail. these suckers are persistent! i mean, i've moved 5 times! ---------------------------------------------------- At any wedding, there are a couple of gifts that have lost tags, are signed simply "Best Wishes, Aggie" and so on. Then there are a bunch of gifts from people you barely know, or that the in laws barely know, and from people whose last names you never remember, or from a neighbor you lived next to a decade ago, or are from an n-th cousin that was invited, but nobody knows how because nobody knew the n-th cousin existed. At my brother's wedding, at least 25 presents ranging from melon ballers to soap dishes to picture frames fit into this category. And most of them were from me. All it took was about fifty dollars and half an hour in a kitchen supply shop. After they opened the third melon baller in a row, the happy couple started to compare handwriting on the cards. My co-workers all had had a lovely time filling out the cards, so no two had the same greeting or handwriting. Most of them, I didn't even know what was on the card (other than the name...). Then they compared wrapping paper and ribbons. Sure, some were the same, but there seem to be about 10 different patterns of wedding paper, and only a couple weren't duplicated somewhere. And there are always a couple gifts wrapped in something that everybody knows is the Christmas paper that doesn't look as Christmas-sy as the rest of the Christmas paper. Then the happy couple started to compare names. Some of the last names had been culled from the more common surnames on the family trees of both families up to three generations back. The rest of the last names were pulled out of the phone book, by picking a name that was not uncommon, like Johnson, Schwartz, Huber, Peterson, or Taft. Who didn't go to school with or know someone with a name like that? (Names like Smith or Dudley Fudpucker were ruled out as too obvious.) The first names were all relatively common names. And then the happy couple's parents would say something helpful like "Just write it down; we'll figure it out later." "Wasn't your aunt's first husband's name XXX?" "Grandma knew a YYY back in Clinton." Of course, the *real* fun began afterwards, when they had to write thank you notes. How do you find an address for John Wilson if you don't even know where he's from? ---------------------------------------------------- (Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga 5 Dec 1990) A poor farm boy in Wayne County, Ga. left home to make his way in the world. He walked into town and stopped by the local church to ask about work. "The Lord's answered your prayers," said the pastor. "Our church janitor just quit and we can hire you on the spot. Just fill out this form." "I'm sorry," said the young man, "but I never learned to so much as write my name." "Oh, I'm sorry," the pastor said, "but we can't hire you. What if the phone were to ring when everyone was out? Why, you couldn't even take a message." The young man was discouraged, so he continued walking down the road all the way to the coastal city of Brunswick. There he found work as a fisherman. He saved his money and after a year invested in a restaurant. It became popular and he became wealthy...so rich, in fact, that he decided to open a chain of seafood restaurants. A big loan was needed, so he hopped in his private jet and flew to meet with a banker in Atlanta. Everything went well, and finally the banker pushed a paper toward him to sign for the loan. "I'm sorry," the young man said, "but I never did learn to sign my name." "Goodness," said the Atlanta banker, "you're one of the wealthiest men in the state. Just think, where would you be now if you could write your name?" "I guess," the young man said, "I'd be a church janitor in Wayne County, Georgia." ---------------------------------------------------- [From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991] COURT SAYS LEGAL AID LAWYERS HAD RIGHT TO WEAR BUTTONS A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers had a constitutional right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in October, when they argued their cases in court. The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a threatened strike. But Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court ordered them to remove their buttons in his Manhattan courtroom on the ground they could prejudice the court and upset their clients. The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of wearing a button" was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of free speech. Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that Justice Roberts had said he would have allowed non-political buttons such as those that said "Save the Whales". But Justice Wallach issued a caution to all lawyers: "If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or saving whales, there is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of Americans would come down on the side of the whales" ---------------------------------------------------------------- *start* 15611 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 23 Sep 91 17:09:49 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 7.H From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Kind of missing the whole point During the publicity prior to the 1979 solar eclipse, a woman called a radio talk show in my locality and asked this question: "If we can't watch it, why are they even having it?" ---------------------------------------------------- Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son ``If we stand around here long enough, sometimes, one of them will throw some food at us.'' ---------------------------------------------------- From: S.EAST1@genie.com (PAM in CA) Jim Kevin, a good friend of mine just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell, but this was my favorite. It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go." He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied "Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go" He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he ask for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?" The man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom...." ---------------------------------------------------- From: S.HARBAUGH1@genie.com A few years ago I had a job at night delivering pizzas. One night a women orders and gives an address that was on a long dirt road in the middle of noplace, right on the edge of our delivere area. She also helped by sayin that there was a boat and a pickup truck parked out front. Well try as I might I couldn't find the house number she had given me, and as any other dirt road in Florida, every house had a truck and a boat parked out front. This road was about two miles long and on one end dead ended into the woods. Driving out the way I came in to get to the nearest payphone woulkd be about a four mile trip. Where the road went into the woods there was a small goat path that was a short cut to the nearest convenience store, I barley managed to coax my little escort through the mud and all. When I called her and told her I couldn't find her house she sounded like I must be the biggest idiot in the world. Her voice dripping with pity for my poor mental state she told me that her two daughters would be standing by the mailbox when I drove back by. So back through the woods and there are the two girls by the mail box but wait the numbers on the box are not the ones I was told to look for. I went up to the house and told Mamma that she had given me the wrong adress. (hoping of course to shame her into a tip) I told her she had said her address was xxxx when the box said yyy. She again put on the voice reserved for the terminally stupid and told me in an exsaperated tone "Well you shouldn't a gone by the numbers on the box, they re-numbered the street a couple weeks back and we 'aint had time to change 'em yet" ---------------------------------------------------- From: asylvain@felix.UUCP (Alvin) My brother used to be a police officer in Chicago. (He's now a rather high-up muckity-muck in the police dept., but that's beside the point.) He's told me some amusing anecdotes from Chicago police-work. There was one story about people shovelling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparantly is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some _other_ car. He is, well, upset. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this. One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle. The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!" ---------------------------------------------------- Thief at a fast food restaurant: "Give me a burger, large fries, and all your money!" Service-Industry-Droid: "Will that be for here or to go?" ---------------------------------------------------- When working for McDonalds (I don't want to hear about it, I was young back then), our favorite pranks to play on new workers was rotating the rocks outside the store (two huge boulders) and ice inventory. One poor sap counted about three-quarters of the ice bin (containing about fifteen cubic feet of mini ice cubes) when the ice maker dropped the next batch down. Needless to say, the rest of us were rolling on the floor in laughter. ---------------------------------------------------- A while ago Steve Barkley of Pebble Beach was caught speeding in the photo-radar speed-trap in Campbell. In the mail he received a ticket for $45 together with the photo of his car in the trap as evidence of the speeding. To be humorous, he sent the Campbell Police Department a photo of $45. Well, Campbell police chief James A. Cost was equal to the challenge. He mailed Barkley a photo of a set of handcuffs. Your move, Steve! ---------------------------------------------------- From: mark@umbra.cc.gatech.edu (Mark J. Reed) Subject: A cop with a sense of humour (true) Approved: funny@looking.on.ca The person I heard this from ("Al" in the story) swears that it really happened. (And no, I'm not this "Mark" - you should be able to figure out why I chose those names. :) Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign, and a few moments after he runs it they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous. MARK: OhnowhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding. What'd I do what'd I do? He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window. COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there? MARK: [panicky] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it! I just didn't see it! Really! COP: I'll need to see your drivers' license. Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail. After ten or fifteen minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer's eye. AL: You don't need to see his identification. COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification. AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for. COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for. AL: He may go on about his business. COP: You may go on about your business. AL: Move along. COP: Move along. At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away. Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive. ---------------------------------------------------- The following is an old anecdote, but a good one. Sometime in the early 1900's, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him. Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display. Well, a few days later a crate marked "live animal" arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat inside, along with a note which read: Maine cherries are black. There's a sucker born every minute... Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000 (I'm not sure what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.) ---------------------------------------------------- [ believed to be original from my officemate Scott Wallace ] We get hit up by door-to-door salespeople all the time, and they always seem to miss the "Absolutely no solicitors" sign on the door. My officemate put up a new sign: To solicitors: Please remove rings, watches, belt buckles, and other metal objects before entering. Our pit bull has trouble digesting such items. Thank you for your cooperation. ---------------------------------------------------- From: prangana@rnd.stern.nyu.edu (Nicky Ranganathan) Subject: Judges, Lawyers and Whales Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny [From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991] COURT SAYS LEGAL AID LAWYERS HAD RIGHT TO WEAR BUTTONS A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers had a constitutional right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in October, when they argued their cases in court. The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a threatened strike. But Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court ordered them to remove their buttons in his Manhattan courtroom on the ground they could prejudice the court and upset their clients. The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of wearing a button" was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of free speech. Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that Justice Roberts had said he would have allowed non-political buttons such as those that said "Save the Whales". But Justice Wallach issued a caution to all lawyers: "If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or saving whales, there is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of Americans would come down on the side of the whales" [.....] ---------------------------------------------------- From: wdc@apple.com (wayne d. correia) Subject: Robert Bulmash Leads Charge Against Telemarketers Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom WARRENVILLE, Ill. -- Robert Bulmash is the telemarketing industry's worst nightmare. He and a small army of followers, fed up with the modern epidemic of junk calls, are fighting back. Their motto is "Leave Us Alone or Pay the Price!" Their strategy is mischievous, ruthless and surprisingly effective. Bulmash instructs the 550 members of his group, Private Citizen Inc., to answer junk calls cordially and tease out all the information they can about the identity and location of the "junker." Then twice a year, he sends a notice to more than 800 telemarketing companies, with a list of his members and a warning on their behalf: "I am unwilling to allow your free use of my time and telephone ... I will accept junk calls for a $100 fee, due within 30 days of suchuse ... Your junk call will constitute your agreement to the reasonableness of my fee." Private Citizen members, who pay $20 a year for the service, say their junk calls drop 75% or more. As for the "invoice," it has left Sears, Roebuck & Co., ChemLawn, and a handful of other telemarketers so bemused they've actually coughed up the $100. Others, though not all, have had it dragged out of them in court. The leader of this rebellion is an intense 45-year-old paralegal with the flair of an angry stand-up comic. His little war, run out of his home in his spare time, has stirred up the giant telemarketing industry, where mention of the name Bulmash draws shudders of disgust. "Everyone in the industry knows Bob Bulmash," sighs Kenneth Griffin, an American Telephone & Telegraph Co. official and past head of the American Telemarketing Association. He worries that the Bulmash crusade will "regulate us and put us out of business," and adds: "I'm sorry, but we're going to defend ourselves." (In fact, AT&T right now is defending itself against a $100 claim from Bulmash.) At the other end of the telemarketing line, Bulmash is a hero. "Thanks for taking on the greatest annoyance to man since the invention of the housefly!" wrote a grateful Oregon woman who read about him in a local newspaper. In a 1990 national survey of telemarketing targets, 70% said they consider such calls an "invasion of privacy." Walker Research Inc. of Indianapolis conducted the survey via, of all things, random calls to U.S. telephone numbers. The survey also found that 44% of the targets considered their last telemarketing call "pleasant," and 41% think telemarketing serves a "useful purpose." All these calls are coming from an exploding industry with an awesome arsenal of new technology. American companies will spend an estimated $60 billion on telemarketing this year, up from $1 billion in 1981, says the industry association. One especially popular purchase, all too familiar to households, is the "adramp," short for automatic dialing recorded message player. It courses like a virus through the phone system, blaring its come-on to one number after another in sequence. Another hot new weapon is the "predictive dialer," which speed-dials one number after another, sending to live agents only the calls that answer. With one of these, a telemarketing shop can double the number of prospects its agents talk to in a day. Lawmakers are starting to worry about this calling frenzy. A proposed federal law would create a national list of people who don't want junk calls, and make it illegal to telemarket them. States have also introduced some 300 bills this year curbing unsolicited sales calls. Bulmash's group, Private Citizen, is reachable at Box 233, Naperville, Ill. 60566. ---------------------------------------------------- News of the weird: May 5, 1991 On a Saturday morning last June, two men, searching for a place to purchase travelers checks, walked through the front door of a West Hollywood bank, even though the bank does not do business on Saturday. Apparently the janitorial crew forgot to lock up. May 19, 1991 DOGGED APPROACH TO WHAT'S IMPORTANT In a two-day period in New York City recently, a homeless man, a train maintenance worker, and a dog were killed on the subway tracks. Ninety people telephoned the Transit Authority to express concern about the dog, but only three called about the worker and no one about the homeless man. *start* 15409 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 26 Sep 91 07:51:00 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.I From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From: ellens@ai.mit.edu (Ellen Spertus) TV is in its infancy. That must be why it needs changing so much. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Vincent.Cate@furmint.nectar.cs.cmu If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ---------------------------------------------------- A Jay Leno joke, quoted in the Mercury News: "Why does NASA want to go to Mars? There's no water there, there's no plant life, and there's no atmosphere. Why don't they just go to LA?" ---------------------------------------------------- As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard(TM): VALUE YOUR CARD! Your card should be protected in the same manner as you would handle cash. Make sure it is returned to you afer each transaction. ---------------------------------------------------- There was a man that always brought his dog to Carolina football games. Whenever the team made a good play, the dog would run up and down the sidelines excitedly. When the team kicked a field goal, the dog would run out on the field, jump around and bark in complete exhuberance! Well, the crowd really enjoyed its new adopted "mascot." At halftime, a fan went up to the dog's owner and asked, "Your dog does all these entertaining stunts when the team does good things. What does he do when the team scores a TOUCHDOWN?" "I'm not sure, I've only brought him to 9 games..." ---------------------------------------------------- -"I have two hobbies -- hunting and Women." -"Really ? What do you hunt ?" -"Women." -"I'm dreaming of being a millionare, just like my father." -"Oh ? Is your father a millionare ?" -"No, but he's dreaming of being one." ---------------------------------------------------- From Lloyd Smith, MD, during his address at the graduation ceremony for the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, May 25: "Then there was the man who was so imbued with science that he sent two of his children to Sunday school and kept the other two home as controls." ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Read the man page! Q: How many Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The bulb was fine you just forgot to turn the switch on. Q: Is there a UNIX FORTRAN optomizer? A: Yeah, "rm *.f" Q: Is there a proper procedure for asking the support staff questions? A: Questions will not be answered by the support staff unless the proper procedure is used. Q: How do I send electronic mail? A: I'm busy now, please send me e-mail. Q: Why do support staff email messages always end in quotes no one understands? A: "The way is void" -Musashi Q: Is there some documentation for the "tn3270" command? A: It's here with a description of emacs vi-mode. ---------------------------------------------------- Computer hacker's response upon being caught burglarizing a house: (1) "I have a perfect right to be here; you don't have a very good lock on your door." (2) "I had a duty to break in to show you that your lock can be picked." (3) "I can pick locks; I'm a genius of great value to society." ---------------------------------------------------- Elegant, adj, of code: when the description of the algorithm a code implements is longer than the code itself. Hack, adj, of code: when the description of the function of a line of code is longer than the line itself. ---------------------------------------------------- Picture two rocks, sinking to the bottom of the water. One rock is labelled "Burroughs", the other labelled "Sperry". The "Burroughs" rock, holding a piece of rope, says "Maybe if we tie ourselves together, we'll float." It was much funnier when I was working at Burroughs/Unisys, just after the merger. ---------------------------------------------------- "... Perhaps of even greater significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science and technology that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement maintains that science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives. When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental movement displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability of science and technology, an area in which, until recently, no one -- even the staunchest supporters of science and technology -- had ever thought to assert very much confidence at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds, that science and technology can do so well that we are entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST THE WEATHER! -- for the next one hundred years..." George Reisman, "The Toxicity of Environentalism" ---------------------------------------------------- From: peter@aix1.uottawa.ca (Pete Hickey) When I was a T.A., a student came to me wondering why his Pascal program wouldn't print anything. I compiled it and ran it myself, and sure enough, no output. I looked through the program, and the WRITELNs were there. This became a problem I *had* to solve. I added some of my own, and still, nothing was written to the screen. After about 15 minutes of careful examination, I noticed that the *entire* program had been commented out. This guy was compiling a comment. I pointed this out to him, but he said to me, "Yeah but I had to do that. It was the only way to get rid of all of the errors." ---------------------------------------------------- From: tact04.enet!sid@decwrl.UUCP (Sid Gordon, Digital Israel, EIS) My brother claims that this morning he heard his 5-year-old and his 3-year-old in the bathroom together and eavesdropped on their conversation: Little brother: What do I do now? Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet. Little brother: Like this? Big brother: Yeah. Little brother: Now what? Big brother: Hit "ENTER". Little brother: "ENTER"? Big brother: I mean "flush". ---------------------------------------------------- T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH: [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent] ===================== [Littleton, MA, USA ] COMPUTERWORLD 1 April CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following: "In 1969, ATT had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/ATT Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped when we got a clean compile on the following syntax: for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2); To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when ATT and other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C! It has taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody, but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago." Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including ATT, Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time. Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000, merely stating 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P. T. Barnum was correct. In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is an internal prank gone awry. {COMPUTERWORLD 1 April} {contributed by Bernard L. Hayes} <><><><><><><><> VNS Edition : 2336 Tuesday 4-Jun-1991 <><><><><><><><> ---------------------------------------------------- The Day the Telephone Bug Bit -- by Richard Pence Those big phone outages of recent weeks have had me feeling a bit guilty over what's been happening. You see, I remember exactly how all this started. Back in 1950 I was a novice seahand aboard a cruiser based In Philadelphia, barely six months out of high school and fresh from the plains of South Dakota. One Friday night in November, we were granted shore leave at the end of a two week training cruise. Homesick and seasick, I headed immediately for the row of pay phones that lined the dock. Depositing a carefully preserved nickel (remember?), I dialed "0." The following is a roughly verbatim account of what transpired after the Philadelphia operator answered: "I'd like to place a station to station collect call to the Bob Pence residence in Columbia, South Dakota," I said in my best telephone voice. The Philadelphia operator was sure she had heard wrong. "You mean Columbia, South Carolina, don't you?" "No, I mean Columbia, South Dakota." I had tried to call home once before, and I was ready for that one. "Certainly. What is the number, please?" I could tell she still didn't believe me. "They don't have a number," I mumbled. I'd tried to call home before, and I knew what was coming. She was incredulous. "They don't have a number?" "I don't think so." "I can't complete the call without a number. Do you have it?" she demanded. I didn't relish seeming like even more of a bumpkin, but I was in the Navy and I knew authority when I heard it. "Well ... the only thing I know is ... two longs and a short." I think that's the first time she snorted. "Never mind. I'll get the number for you. One moment please." There followed an audible click and a long period of silence while she apparently first determined if, indeed, there was a Columbia, S.D., and then if it was possible to call there. When she returned to the line, she was armed with the not-insignificant knowledge necessary complete her task. In deliberate succession, she dialed an operator in Cleveland, asked her to dial one in Chicago, asked Chicago to dial Minneapolis, and Minneapolis to dial Sioux City, Iowa. Sioux City called Sioux Falls, S.D., and the operator there dialed one in Aberdeen, S.D. At last, Aberdeen dialed the operator in Columbia. By this time, Philadelphia's patience was wearing thin, but when Columbia answered, she knew what had to be done. "The number for the Bob Pence residence, please," she said, now in control. Columbia didn't even hesitate. "Two longs and a short," she declared. Philadelphia was set back for an instant but valiantly plowed on. "I have a collect call from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, for anyone at that number. Will you please ring?" "They're not home," said Columbia, again not missing a beat. Philadelphia digested this and decided not to press the point. Instead, she relayed the message I'd already heard. "There is no one at that number, sir. Would you like to try again in later?" Columbia quickly interrupted: "Is that you, Dick?" "Yeah, Margaret ... Where are the folks?" Philadelphia was baffled, but her instincts told her to look out for the company. "Sir, madam ... you can't ..." Margaret ignored her. "They're up at the school house at the basketball game. Want me to ring?" I knew I was pushing my luck with Philadelphia, so I said it likely would be too much trouble to get them out of the game. "No trouble at all," said Margaret. "It's halftime." Philadelphia was still in there trying to protect the company. By this time, though, she was out of words. "But ... but ... " she stammered. I caved in to Margaret, mainly because I didn't want to have to start over later. "All right." Philadelphia made one last effort. Mustering her most official tone, she insisted: "But this is a station to station collect call!" "That's all right, honey," said Columbia, "I'll just put it on Bob's bill." Philadelphia was still protesting when the phone rang and was answered at the school house. "I have a station-to-station collect call for Bob Pence," Philadelphia said, certain that Ma Bell had somehow been had. "This is he," replied my father. "Go ahead," whispered an astonished Philadelphia. I'm glad I couldn't see her face when I began my end of the conversation the way all Midwesterners do: "Hi, Dad, how's the weather?" "Jeez," said Philadelphia and clicked off. Now comes the confession. I have it on good authority it was the next Monday morning that AT&T began to automate phone service. And now look where we are. July 16 {Philadelphia Inquirer}, on the editorial page. Richard Pence is a Washington, D.C., writer and editor. He wrote this for the {Washington Post}. *start* 16715 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 10 Oct 91 09:33:15 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.J From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Why do blondes drive VW's Because they can't spell PORSCHE!! Q What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A "I wonder if it's mine?" Q: why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks? A: it takes too long to re-train them. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool. Why don't blonde's make KoolAid? Because they have trouble fitting eight quarts in the little package. Q : How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ? A : Tell them a joke on Friday night ! How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will she ask you? "Is it mine?" What's it called when a blond(e) blows in another one's ear? Data transfer. What do you call a blond(e) between two brunettes? A mental block. Why did the blond(e) get fired from the M&M factory? (S)He kept on throwing out the "w"s. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" ---------------------------------------------------- selections from Blonde jokes collected by Steve_Hooper@mindlink.bc.ca (Steve Hooper) Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno! Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" ---------------------------------------------------- Mr Cody was a well-known rector of a protestand church. One day he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he asks: -Where in Hell have I seen you before? Cody: -I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from? ---------------------------------------------------- I live in Phoenix, Arizona and you know about the summers here. Yesterday I saw a Sticker on a car: "I AM NOT SACRED OF HELL. I LIVE IN ARIZONA" ---------------------------------------------------- "Only in Oakland would a guy get a nine minute standing ovation for stealing something." - Herb Caen, S.F. Chronicle quoting a local radio announcer 5/3/91 - ---------------------------------------------------- As is well recorded in the fortune cookie database on BSD UNIX, we have: Ginsberg's theorems: 1. You can't win 2. You can't break even 3. You can't quit the game Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's theorems: Every major philosophy attempts to make life meaningful by contradicting one of Ginsberg's theorems. To wit: 1. Capitalism: You _CAN_ win. 2. Communism: You _CAN_ break even. 3. Hari Krishna: You _CAN_ quit the game. ---------------------------------------------------- Andecdote #3, told by Greg Benford: At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money. The concensus was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise investment for the college." The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have been atypical." ---------------------------------------------------- "Your editorials recall to mind a story of long ago. Edward Everrett Hale was for a season, perhaps longer, chaplain of the House at Washington. His son asked, "Father, how can you pray for those Congressmen?" The reply was: "My son, I look at them, and then pray for our country." - "E.K.H.", in a letter to the New York Times ---------------------------------------------------- Skydivers often take their parachutes on commercial flights as carry-on luggage because of their value and poor handling of baggage by the airlines. This practice has been known to lead to a few misunderstandings: A jumper had checked in and was headed for his flight with his rig over his shoulder. At the X-ray machine, the new hire inspector had no idea what she was looking at and demanded that he open the container for inspection. Well the jumper argued and supervisors were called and pilots were contacted, etc. The jumper finally convinced everyone that he was not a threat and was allowed to board with his parachute. During this process, an older gentleman at the X-ray machine overheard the conversation. It turns out the gentleman was seated across the isle from the jumper on the same flight. The elder fellow turned to his wife and said "Martha, that fella has a parachute in that backpack" pointing to the rig as the jumper placed it under the seat. The ol' lady, disbelieving what she had just been told, turned to the jumper and said, "Pardon me young man, but is that *really* a parachute?". The jumper, somewhat miffed at the airline over the whole episode, turned to the woman and said, "Yes it is, ma'am. Didn't they give you yours?" ---------------------------------------------------- It's said that one evening when Thomas Edison was in NY City, someone took him for a walk down Broadway. He seemed very, very pleased. His guide remarked that Edison seemed to enjoy the tour even more than the guide had expected. Edison responded, "Yes. I've enjoyed this evening tremendously. You see, I've always wanted to see my light up in names." ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the shortest book ever written? A: 1000 years of German Humor. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the shortest book ever written? O.K. that book may be short. But which three books will never be published ? 1. U.S. American Culture. 2. Fine Foods from Great Britain. 3. Italian Hero Tales. ---------------------------------------------------- People don't hate transplanted New Yorkers because they're from New York. They hate them because they didn't stay in New York. ---------------------------------------------------- I went to USC this morning doing my library search for articles on user interfaces. I saw rows of computers set there for on-line data base browsing. I sat there, logged in, chose Computer Science category, typed in "user interface" as key word for subject and I got a list of "hit records". One of the records says this: "Title: Do It Yourself --- Repairing Broken Windows." ---------------------------------------------------- I was taking a take-home exam in a class at Stanford. The instructions said "You are expected to abide by the Stanford Code in your actions." So I billed the federal government for remodeling my house. ---------------------------------------------------- Having recently been through basic training and advanced weapon training, I'd like to share with you the governmets idea of instructions for a weapon : On the front of a Claymore mine: FRONT : TOWARD ENEMY. On the Back of the mine: BACK : TOWARD YOU Here's the funny part, undreneath the warning label it says: EXPLOSIVE : DO NOT EAT. ---------------------------------------------------- Canada. 51 weeks of winter followed by a single hockeyless week of summer. ---------------------------------------------------- If you have tried to do something and failed, you are vastly better off than if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded. If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want. ---------------------------------------------------- Sun's Scott McNealy mockingly calls the recent alliance between Apple and IBM "Purple Applesauce". (That's what you get when Big Blue hugs Red Apple.) ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: recursive humor 1. (statement) My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate. 2. (question) What if there were no hypothetical situations? ---------------------------------------------------- Inquiring Child, "Mother why did you marry father?" Mother; "so you've begun to wonder too?" ---------------------------------------------------- two (Pick on your favorite group) are flying an airplane, the engine coughs and sputters... one of them looks at the gas gauge and screems "WE'RE OUTA GAS" The other taps the gauge and screems "OH NO, HOW ARE WE GONNA GET DOWN" ---------------------------------------------------- A women walks into a vets waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy" she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customers lap, getting water all over him. "I said SIT, now theres a good Fluffy" says the women, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room, and pees. The women, mortally embarrassed, shouts "Goddamn it Fluffy, will you be good ?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with an Doberman, and pursues it out of the office. As the women leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted waiters and says : "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it." ---------------------------------------------------- The CIA agents Dwayne and Amber were brother and sister with a long and distinquished career in the agency. They were always after more work and could never get enough. The only problem that they had was that Amber was a real perfectionist and insisted that when anything at all went wrong, it was Dwayne's fault. She was forever calling him a bumbling idiot and screaming at him about his performance. Still, in the end, their missions were always rousing successes. Such became their reputation that when a particularly difficult mission arose, no less a person than the president himself decided that perhaps Dwayne and Amber were the correct people for the job. He called the head of the CIA and asked how the director would sum up the performance of these two stars, and the director responded with, "Oh, dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne." ---------------------------------------------------- Years ago I read a short story (I forget the title and author) about a congressional investigation over the loss of a spaceship in a black hole. The only surviving artifact was a wrench badly twisted by the tidal forces, and nobody could decide how best to use it as a memorial. Debate raged over what America should do with the star mangled spanner! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Why post a speed limit of 29 MPH? Well here in Mass the answer is... money! The state changed the rules about who gets the money when a town police officer writes a speeding ticket. It seems that if he wrote a ticket for speeding in a 30 mph zone (say 50 mph in a 30 mph zone), which is the state limit for residential roads, then that's a state offense and the state got the motorist's money. But if the town put up 29 mph speed limit signs, then he could write a ticket for doing 50 mph in a 29 mph zone, which is a town offense, then the town got the money. Some town started putting up 29 mph signs, but the state quickly saw the error of its ways (oh no... loss of revenue!), so the state and the towns agreed on a scheme to divy up the loot. Ob joke (if you didn't find the above politicians "funny"): There are only two types a drivers in this state: those that never use turn signals and those that never turn them off! ---------------------------------------------------- I just got the new issue of Reader's Digest, and found this on page 172. It is a quote from a letter to the New York Times from Kenneth O'Neill. To a foreigner, a Yankee is an American. To a Southerner in the United States, a Yankee is a Northerner. To a Northerner, a Yankee lives in New England. Here in New England, a Yankee is someone from Vermont. To a Vermonter, a Yankee is someone who still uses an outhouse. I'll stop here. ---------------------------------------------------- A short while ago I finally got a friend (a lady with a Master's in a humanistic discipline from a Toronto university) to watch an episode of Star Trek with me. I had been telling her of my enthusiasm for the show for several years. She heard and saw the "Space .. the final frontier .." /pictures-of-planets/the-Enterprise-going-"whoosh" opening schtick for the very first time. I explained to her that it was set in the 24th century, that the man with the white face was a robot, that the man with the funny head was an alien, that the woman with the, er, unusual uniform was the token "feeler" on a ship full of (and a show designed for) "thinkers", etc. etc. Twenty minutes into the show, she turns to me and says : "I don't get it - are they on some sort of AIRSHIP ?" ---------------------------------------------------- From: miklg@sono.uucp (Michael Goldman ) I recall reading in a biography of the Marx brothers that they had originally chosen (Something) Quackenbush for the name of the horse veterinarian from Florida. They soon found that there was a real live horse veterinarian named (Something) Quackenbush living in Florida. So they changed the name just before the film. Life imitating art!? They usually took their shows on the road to tune them up before making a movie. The brothers ad-libbed and improvised a lot to the point where the writers wondered why they bothered writing lines. One time one of their writers was talking backstage with someone and suddenly, in the middle of the conversation, said "Wait! - I think I heard one of my lines!" ---------------------------------------------------- So what do you say, guys, anybody want to start a pool? I give it two, three months at the outmost before the National Enquirer runs the news that Michael Landon faked his own death, is alive and well thanks to miracle cure, and is now sharing a beachfront condo in Maui with Elvis and JFK. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Sarah M. Elkins today's paper has an article about the latest Elvis book, which claims that Elvis was an FBI Agent and he didn't die August 16, 1977 but instead was moved into the federal witness protection program. The book *The FBI's Operation Fountain Pen and Elvis Presley* (Shapolsky, $16.95, hardback with cassette) is by Gainsville, Ga. author Gail Brewer-Giorgio, author of 2 previous Elvis books. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? A: Respect. Q: Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture. Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death. Q: What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? A: They're all slime. Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road? A: He saw a car accident on the other side. Q: What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!!" Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? A: Even hyenas has some dignity. Q: What do you call an honest lawyer? A: An impossibility. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? A: At least he wasn't a lawyer. Q: What's the difference between pigs and lawyers. A: You can learn to respect a pig. Old lawyers never die. They just establish law firms. When judgement day came, God decided to be lenient and take up to heaven every one except the really awful people. The result was a planet of lawyers. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. *start* 16457 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 Oct 91 17:21:34 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 7.K From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Two program managers go out hunting together and stumble upon some tracks. "Those are bear tracks!" says one of them excitedly. "No they aren't," says the other, "those are elk tracks." So the two start arguing about what kind of tracks they are, and while they're arguing, they get run over by a train. ---------------------------------------------------- This ad appeared in a local paper: MALE, 28, attractive, uncultured, absolute boor, financial failure, seeks similar woman, 20-32 for meaningless relationship. Silly replies only please. ---------------------------------------------------- Mikhail Gorbachev was on vacation at his summer home in the Crimea when his close advisors placed him under house arrest and staged a coup. Upon hearing the news at his summer home in Kennebunkport, President Bush rushed back to Washington, cutting his vacation short. Looks like Bush learned at least one lesson from recent events. ---------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Russia and the UK? The UK has a communist party... Now that the USSR is getting democracy do you think the British could have some? ---------------------------------------------------- As far as i know that's true of most former Warsaw Pact countries, except for Hungary, where it's the cops because after WWII the only people allowed into policing were those unable to do anything else. No kidding. Hence: Two cops are standing at a busy intersection in Budapest. Map in hand, a tourist drives up and asks "Schprechen Sie Deutch?". The cops shake their heads. The tourist asks "Parlez vous Francais?", with the same result. This goes on for a half a dozen languages, after which the visitor shrugs and drives off. "Maybe i should learn another language" said the younger cop. "What for?" replied the older one, "This guy knew six of them and it did him no good". ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: A friend of a friend, of a friend... A friend of mine from Germany is married to an Irish gal, who a few years ago was selling her old, decrepit car to a junk dealer. Before he came to pick it up, she wanted to recover the petrol left in the tank and decided to use -- right, her vacuum cleaner. Needless to say, the vacuum cleaner didn't survive the explosion, while she got off with a few burns. ---------------------------------------------------- From: sequent!sjcon!ltl@uunet.uu.net (Larry Lopez) (Try to sound like a baseball announcer) "Were back at Candlestick, Dodgers and Giants are tied in the bottom of the ninth inning, two out. is at bat. Righetti to the wind up, the pitch, and it's a drive to deep left! Kevin Mitchell's back, to the wall, and he makes a leaping catch and is out! Yes, is out, but would be happy to return your call if you leave a message. ---------------------------------------------------- Sender: John G. Williams:sbd-e:rx writing on slate with a steel chisel is 10x faster than using a piece of flint! that doesnt mean steel chisels are the best instrument for writing. Computing is a comparitively new discipline. I do not believe we have yet developed anything approaching the right tools for programming. ---------------------------------------------------- From: shoulson@ctr.columbia.edu (Mark Shoulson) I heard this from a friend, David Kra. He says it's original: Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic? A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door. ---------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 2 Sep 91 09:05:43 PDT From: Allan.Meers@ebay.sun.com (Allan Meers - Sun Education/Professional Services) Subject: Herb Caen on Computerized Radar From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle, via Mike Seibel and Brad Templeton: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -- of handcuffs. ---------------------------------------------------- From Release 1.0, 31 July 1991, p. 13: Juan & Alice do hypertext R&D Alice: Do you think anyone has ever made links like this before? Juan: Not to worry. A few weeks of development and testing can often save an afternoon in the library. ---------------------------------------------------- Steve Boswell | This opinion is distributed in the hopes that it whatis@ucsd.edu | will be useful, but without any warranty... When I was in 1st grade I remember reading a vitamin bottle: "For children under 4 years old and children 4 years old or over." That I should be introduced to the pervasive stupidity of the world at such an early age... My kindergarten teacher also didn't know if the "US" on mailboxes stood for "United States" or "us", as in "our mail"... ---------------------------------------------------- From Victor Schwartz's collection: ---------------------------------------------------- "Dumb" Dalmation shows how smart he is. NEWPORT, S.C. (AP) - A boy says he and his kitten were saved from a fire by a family pet not noted for his brains. Dirk Tanis, 15, said he fell asleep Saturday after starting to cook and awoke to the family Dalmatian, Spuds, biting his hand. Flames were touching the kitchen ceiling, the microwave was melting and smoke filled the house. Dirk ran from the house and called 911. Meanwhile, he said, Spuds grabbed Gizmo, a 5-month old kitten, by the scruff of the neck and took her out of the house. "We always talk about how dumb he (Spuds) is," said Tanis' mother, Gay. "We didn't think he would have the presence of mind to do something like that." ------------------- Following-up on TFD #3, Warren James contributes the following line, appearing on the license plate frame on his Mazda: "The Grey Poupon is in my other car." ------------------- Martin Cooper reports two unusual appliances listed in the classified ads in a local newspaper: Freezer for big family. $450. [Not what I use my freezer for...] Apartment size refrigerator. $175. [A lot bigger than I'll ever need!] ------------------- (Today's "Thought" was contributed by Guy Robinson, from the "Backbytes" page of the 5 September issue of "Computing":) Computer companies are renowned as pretty ruthless operators. But even Backbytes was shocked during a recent meeting with Groupe Bull. A Bull supremo was expounding the virtues of the company's Unix-based secure operating system, Scomp. Apparently, the system has been awarded the US Government's second-highest security classification, the legendary A2. The best that off-the-shelf Unix can manage is a miserable B1. "We could have gone for A1 level security," explained the guru. "But we would have to shoot the programmers afterwards and we didn't think that would be fair." ------------------- (From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports:) In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature. ------------------- (Another item from the "Selling It" column of the August issue of Consumer Reports:) A can of Del Monte creamed corn says on the label that it "contains no artificial additives or preservatives." Another message, some distance lower, says "Contains Recycled Steel." Given the choice, we'd take the additives. ------------------- (Roy Ogus contributes the following, from a recent Herb Caen column:) ... Cartoonist Bob Gumpertz, hearing that Baskins-Robbins will open branches in Russia, puns valiantly, "Will that give them most flavored nation status?"... ------------------- (The following item was contributed by Herb Kanner at Apple, and comes from the July 1991 issue of (ACM's) Software Engineering Notes.) An ancient method for assuring software quality (from Martin Minow) Is it possible that the solution to the software quality crisis was discovered in Korea in the 15th century? The following is from Daniel J. Boorstin, "The Discoverers" quoting, apparently, Kim Won-Yong, "Early Movable Type in Korea" (1954): "The supervisor and compositor shall be flogged thirty times for an error per chapter; the printer shall be flogged thirty times for bad impression, either too dark or too light, of one character per chapter." Boorstin continues, "This helps explain both the reputation for accuracy earned by the earliest Korean imprints and the difficulty that Koreans found in recruiting printers." ---------------------------------------------------- The following are from Spaf's (Gene Spafford) collection ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Santa Last night, for some reason I was thinking about Santa Claus and I had an incredible realization. Consider the following: * You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants" * Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire * Santa doesn't really do the work -- he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work * Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week * Santa travels a lot Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure! ------------------- Seen in USA Today: What do you get when you cross IBM & Apple? IBM. ------------------- From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu Subject: cutie (Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga 20 June 1991) A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen." ------------------- Subject: Space Aliens & cows To: techsup!trsvax!microsoft!decwrl!mejac!eniac (Eniac Mailing List) a followup on space alien cows... From: newcomb@world.std.com (Donald R Newcomb) >From: Huw Jonathan Rogers > Various farmers in a certain area of the US (I forget the state >that was mentioned) regularly discovered bloodless (drained) cattle in >various stages of dismemberment in the early morning. These animals had >had certain glands, body parts, or body fluids surgically removed with a >precision beyond the capabilities of all but the most advanced surgical >laboratories. This problem was so bad that in one place a farmer was in >danger of going bust due to loss of cattle. One explanation advanced was that >aliens were using these cattle as a convenient source of various rare >chemicals/tissues. I hate to see this line start on sci.military and feel worse about dignifying it with a comment. My brother runs a meat packing plant in the midwest. About 1983 cattle were being frequently found dead in the fields with parts "surgically removed." UFOs, or Satin worshipers were blamed. It was frequently on the evening news. When I asked my brother about it, he laughed and explained: 1. Like other businessmen, ranchers and cattlemen have production insurance. Cattle insurance covers abnormal losses, the barn burns, truckload of cattle runs off cliff, plane crashes into heard, rustlers, space aliens and satinists. It does not cover normal "range death" due to disease, lightning, snake bite, leg broken in praire dog burrow, etc. Range death is a normal production loss. 2. A dead cow is worth less than nothing. It can't be sold for human consumption. Even the rendering plants will charge to pick one up. A "range dead" cow can represent a $1000 loss to a rancher. A "UFO dead" cow is covered by insurance. 3. The incidence of cattle lost to "UFO death" is directly related to the willingness of the local authorities to play the game. When the insurance companies plot the payouts for "UFO death" on a map, it clearly shows that the UFOs will stop right at county lines, showing greater respect for law enforcement in rural county vs another. Odd that aliens from 1000 light years away will show such concern over a county line. 4. Ranchers "play the game" well. When ever a stranger asks about cattle death, the ranchers spin long winded tails of lights in the sky, government scientists etc. Just don't ask to see if there is any dried blood on his pocket knife. In short the whole idea of space aliens being responsible for cattle death is utter nonsense! Driblig Zorg Institute of Xenobiological Research Alpha Centauri (driblig@xeno.ac.alphac.mw) ------------------- From: tjc@castle.edinburgh.ac.uk (A J Cunningham) These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the copyright issue. Tony Cunningham "...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'" "a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program" "You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler" "This struct already has a perfectly good definition" "Huh ?" "This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message" "Too many errors on one line (make fewer)" "Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer" ------------------- Date: Sat, 10 Aug 91 02:54:22 PDT From: ho (Hilarie Kauiolani Orman) Subject: Future Risks TINY BUG IN H.S. "GENOME" CAUSES MASSIVE HUMANITY FAILURE Officials responsible for a spiral galaxy near the middle section of the universe revealed today that a small error in an encoding for the life form "Homo sapiens" was responsible for the near extinction of the partly intelligent species. The change had been introduced during routine maintenance of the life form. Officials explained that the maintenance had been intended to improve the survivability of the species, but inadequate testing had caused it to become suspectible to a new sexually transmitted disease. Senior universe officials expressed disappointment in the control of the life forms in the galaxy, citing a series of malfunctions, especially near a yellow star at the edge. The H.S. species has required several patches in the field and still seems unstable. The latest change was not tested in alternative universes due to lax controls and lack of funding. Other officials cited inadequate specification and design review. "How can we guarantee that the species works without a formal definition of what it is?" lamented one senior observer. "These things just look like collections of cells - they just sort of grow. There's no mathematical model that can be used to verify it. I don't see how they ever got it started in the first place." Insiders feel that the species can be rescued, but expressed doubt about its long-term viability. The estimate of the time needed for a thorough review of the documentation, writing the formal specifications, and verifying the genome encoding, expressibility, and environmental testing, is greater than the lifetime of the universe. Meanwhile, yet another mutation and alteration of the local laws of physics will be required to back out of this particular upgrade. With funding already stretched, this setback might just spell the end of H.S. The formally verified Vulcan species, originally slated for production next year, has been delayed due to a series of technical problems and is now scheduled for beta testing after the next big bang. *start* 17722 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 8 Nov 91 15:19:21 PST (Friday) Subject: Life 7.L From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- New Steve Wright jokes: "I was skydiving horizontally" "When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice" ---------------------------------------------------- John Q. Adams wished that his portraitists would paint him as he truely was rather than as he looked. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Arnie's next movie Actually, I heard he was going to play an English professor. The movie is called "Conan the Grammarian." ---------------------------------------------------- This reminds me of a joke by Jerry Sadowicz (sp?) : "I'm NOT paranoid....... Oh yes, I know you all _think_ I am ...." ---------------------------------------------------- "I used to be paranoid -- but not any more. I moved to New York. ---------------------------------------------------- I'm a paranoid schitzophrenic .... I'm after me!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- From: Sparky@mindlink.bc.ca (Gene Kruper) THE 10 IF'S YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GET ALONG AT WORK (office) 1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clunks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat. 5) If it's the Boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it's handwritten, type it. 8) if it's typed, copy it. 9) If it's copied, file it. 10) If it's friday, FORGET IT!!! ---------------------------------------------------- From: krauss@oktext.sbc.com (M S Krauss) Here is what I have on my machine: Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of sending and receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub and the carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me leave your name and number and they will get back to you or add you to my list. I have never had to return a call to a tele-marketer yet, they never leave their number. If you can use it, enjoy it. ---------------------------------------------------- Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated. ---------------------------------------------------- From: gwharvey@lescsse.jsc.nasa.gov (Greg Harvey) My other favorite is a sight gag...an Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The Aggie, says, "Professor, what _are_ you doing?" The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!" The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills. (do this in front of a mirror for full effect!) ---------------------------------------------------- q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? a: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. ---------------------------------------------------- A sign on the back of a building abutting the railway. GOD DOES NOT EXI____ I often wondered what happened. ---------------------------------------------------- -"My family is angry with me because I like pancakes." -"Why ? A lot of people like pancakes; I like them too." -"Really ? Do you want to see my collection ? I have more than 700." ---------------------------------------------------- [Recycle: 2:39pm Nov 21, 1984 by suhre@trwrba] A police officer in a small town sopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain--" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say--" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." ---------------------------------------------------- Didja know... That if you painted all the cars in the U.S. red that youıd have a....... Red Carnation! ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. ---------------------------------------------------- There is a new band in Russia called "New Tanks on the Block"! ---------------------------------------------------- From: kallen@cs.utk.edu (Karl Allen) A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate. "Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven." "Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other people are here?" "Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter. "Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man. "Yes, some," said St. Peter. "Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man. "Yes, there are," replied St. Peter. "Are there any Nazis in heaven? asked the man. "Just a few," said St. Peter. "Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man. St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?" ---------------------------------------------------- An old man is leaving the Soviet Union, bound for Israel. He reaches the border, and the guard reaches into the man's bag, pulling out a bust of Lenin. "What is this?", asked the guard. "Don't say, 'What is this', say 'WHO is this?'! This is Lenin! He made my life wonderful! I LOVE Lenin!". So the guard allowed the man to pass. The old man got to Israel. There, the guard found the bust of Lenin, and asked, "What is this?". The old man laughed and said, "Don't say 'What is this', say 'WHO is this?'! This is LENIN! He made my life a living hell! I HATE Lenin!" So the guard let the man pass. The old man finally reached his relatives in Israel, and while he was unpacking, his cousin found the bust. "Who is this?". "Don't say 'WHO is this', say 'What is this?'! It's ten kilos of solid gold!" ---------------------------------------------------- Russian Federation President Boris Yeltsin, responding to a question from a U.S. television viewer on 70 years of communism: ``I think this experiment which was conducted on our soil was a tragedy for our people, and it was too bad that it happened on our territory.'' ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Few Russian jokes From: BOBROV@gamma.srcc.msu.su (Ivan V. Bobrov) First of them was popular 5-6 years ago. Question: How to fill refrigerator, if all shops are empty? Answer: Connect it to TV-broadcast. Second is popular now: In the food shop: Buyer: Weigh me 1 kilogramm of food, please. Saler: Bring it here and we'll weigh it. ---------------------------------------------------- 1.A:Hello, may I speak to Vasja? B:Sorry, He is out now. What can I transfer to him. A:Please, transfer 3 rubles to him. 2.A:Hello, I'd like to call Rabinovitch. B:Rabinovitch who: the youngest or eldest? A:Eldest, please. B:They both are dead. ---------------------------------------------------- 06 September 1861 - Friday Brig. Gen. Ulysses Grant occupies Paducah, Ky. with two regiments and one battery. By afternoon the city was secured and Grant return to Cairo. Before he left, Grant read a proclamation assuring the locals of the troops peaceful intentions. In his words, "This was evidently a relief to them; but the majority would have much preferred the presence of the other army." Skirmishes took place at Rowell's Run, WV and at Monticello Bridge, Mo. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Just how dumb can you get Many years ago (about 10?), I heard (I believe it was on the radio) about some would-be burglars who: o accosted an elderly man in his home, demanding that he give them `the drugs,' o eventually had to be satisfied with his nitroglycerine tablets, o made off after ripping an electric can-opener off the wall, thinking it was a telephone, o got lost in the back roads of Florida, o found what looked like a toll-booth for the turnpike, and thumbed their noses (or made other rude gestures) at the attendant as they o roared past the `toll-booth' into the military base. ---------------------------------------------------- There was a story in the Sydney Morning Herald a few weeks back about a robber who held up a bank, took all the cash from customers, and then walked over to a teller and had her deposit it in his account. The police were waiting for him when he got home. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: I won this cup - Mata Driver Two MDs meet. One has a shiny new cup, the sort of which u get when having won something. - What is that cup then? - Fab ey? I won it in the MD Maths Contest. They asked what 7 + 7 is. I said 12 and got 3rd place! An MD is waiting at the traffic lights for them to turn green ... Going past on the pavement is someone in a motorised wheelchair. The MD asks: - How fast does your chair go, ey? - About 4mph or so. - Ey, man, ey, ya can just as well go on foot ... An MD goes into a bank. - Ey, give me 1000 DM, I've got to lower my Manta. - Certainly, says the bank person, Please sign here. - I sign nothing, says the MD. - Then you must got to another bank. MD in the second bank. - Ey, give me 1000 DM, I wanna lower my Manta. - Fine sir, just sign here. - I won't sign anything! - Sorry, then you will have to try another bank. MD in a third bank. - Ey, give me 1000 DM, My Manta needs lowering. - Certainly sir, just sign here please. - I sign nothing, says the MD. The bank person stands up, goes round the table and BANK, BANK, BANK, BANK, beats the MD's head on the table. - Ok stop it, I'll sign, says the MD and gets his 1000 MD. Then he goes back to the second bank. - Look 'ere, I got that money, ey, he says to the bank person. - And did you sign? - Yer sure, but he explained it properly to me first!!!! Q: Have you heard that the missing like between man and apes has been found? A: Homo Manta Erectus. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Russian Math Saw this one on a professor's door: The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years. ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1960's ------ A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit? 1970's ------ A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit? 1970's (New Math) ----------------- A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red). 1980's ------ A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates. 1990's ------ A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch. ---------------------------------------------------- From: richard@fwi.uva.nl (Richard Carels) Subject: Re: funny .signatures Send a self-addressed stamped envelope, and I will mail my signature to you --- DISCLAIMER: Any opinions expressed above are mine, and not those of the Air Force or the U.S. Government. I filled out form 19842-J, Request for Official Opinions, when I first joined the AF, but it's only been three years, so I don't expect them to finish processing the form for at least another two. Till then you're all stuck with my opinions. --- There's one big difference between genius and stupidity. Genius has limits. --- `I have read your article, Mr. Johnson, and I am no wiser than when I started.' -- `Possibly not, sir, but far better informed.' --- It's said that only 10 people on the whole world understood Einstein. I'm so brilliant that nobody understands me at all. --- Should you understand this article, please contact me. I shall gladly explain it until you don't. --- The good news: I had a six-figure income last year :-) The bad news: That includes the pennies :-( --- Disclaimer: I think that disclaimers are an incredibly sad statement about our society. Nonetheless, nothing that I say can or should be construed as having been said by anyone. Ever. --- These opinions are shareware If you like them, send $10.. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: from VICIOUS CIRCLES AND INFINITY: An Anthology of Paradoxes Every exit is an entry somewhere else: Tom Stoppard What happens to your fist when you open your hand?: Zen Buddhism Mr. X was disappointed to find no suggestion box in the clubhouse because he would like to put a suggestion in it about having one. "The candidate had allowed television cameras into his hotel suite to watch him watch television." You get the best view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower, because you can't see the Eiffel Tower from there. "My friend Jones will vouch for me." "How do we know that he can be trusted?" "Oh, I assure you he can." P.S. If you don't receive this letter, it must have miscarried: therefore I beg you to write and let me know. In a philosophical dispute, he gains most who is defeated, since he learns most: Epicurus Boredom -- the desire for desires: Leo Tolstoy Many would be cowards if they had courage enough: Thomas Fuller Work expands to fill the time available for its completion: Parkinson's Law The French for London is Paris: Ionesco It is as if I were attempting to trace with the point of a pencil the shadow of the tracing pencil: Nathaniel West -==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==- ** A young and studious monk went to his teacher and said, "Teach me all about the Buddha nature." His teacher pushed him on the ground. The next day the student returned to his teacher, saying, "I am wiser today than yesterday. Teach me about the Buddha nature." The teacher clobbered him again. This went on for days until finally the young student could stand it no more. He tearfully left the monastery and went back to his temple at home. There he told the chief monk what had happened. The chief monk said, "You are really stupid! That monk was kinder to you than a grandmother!" The young student went back to the monastery, and found his teacher. He threw the teacher on the ground. His teacher got up and said, "Now I will teach you about the Buddha nature." ** One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you." ** A monk, taking a bamboo stick, said to the people, "If you call this a stick, you fall into the trap of words, but if you do not call it a stick, you contradict facts. So what do you call it?" At that time a monk in the assembly came forth. He snatched the stick, broke it in two, and threw the pieces across the room. ** A monk sat with his three students. He took out his fan and placed it in front of him, saying, "Without calling it a fan, tell me what this is." The first said, "You couldn't call it a slop-bucket." The master poked him with his stick. The second picked up the fan and fanned himself. He too was rewarded with the stick. The third opened the fan, laid a piece of cake on it, and served it to his teacher. The teacher said, "Eat your cake." ** The chief monk at the monastery was looking for someone to replace him. He called the monks together and placed in front of them a water bottle. He said, "Without calling this a water bottle, tell me what it is." One monk said, "You couldn't call it a block of wood." Another poured himself a drink. Just then the cook walked into the room and kicked the water bottle over. The cook was made head of the monastery. ** Two sages were standing on a bridge over a stream. One said to the other, "I wish I were a fish. They are so happy." The other replied, "How do you know whether fish are happy or not? You're not a fish." The first said, "But you're not me, so how do you know whether or not I know how fish feel?" *start* 15888 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 22 Nov 91 15:34:48 PST (Friday) Subject: Life 7.M From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- On the door of a cafeteria office: PLEASE USE THIS DOOR TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION and someone added... I'D RATHER USE A PEN ---------------------------------------------------- A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every 3 months for about 5 years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the (blonde?) asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number? Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since. ---------------------------------------------------- there was a tv show on recently where a lot of people were intensively researching the question "what is the density of wolves in minnesota?" i couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. all they have to do is catch one and throw it in a pool. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Bob.Underdown@f1040.n391.z1.FidoNet.Org (Bob Underdown) The first bathtub was invented in 1850. The phone wasn't invented until 1875. A lucky guy could have spent 25 years in the tub without the phone ringing once! ---------------------------------------------------- From: meo@frord.austin.ibm.com (Miles ONeal) New punch line for old joke Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years" Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days" George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???" Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer." ---------------------------------------------------- From: durway@rtp.dg.com (Lindsey Durway) Subject: Funny FrameMaker message Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.folklore.computers Someone just told me about this one, so I went and verified. It's another case of development slipping one past the "suits:" When the spelling checker of FrameMaker 2.1 encounters the word Interleaf in a document, it flags it as a misspelling. What does it offer as the correct spelling? "FrameMaker"! (FYI, FrameMaker and Interleaf are competing documentation products.) ---------------------------------------------------- From: rivero@dev8a.mdcbbs.com The song,"Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult the colonialists ( which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British ( which was typical of the colonialists). ---------------------------------------------------- From: zai@brain.nalchik.su Last tour of Bolshoy Theatre through United States finished unusually. All artists came back to Soviet Union. ---------------------------------------------------- From: lkozin@logovaz.msk.su (Lev Kozinsky) 1. At three o'clock in the morning the telephone rings. The sleeping voice is asking: - Hello ? - Is this 2-29-33 ? - You are a mad man. I haven't got a telephone at all. 3. The fireman was passing an exam to enter music school. He was asked: - What is the difference between violin and piano ? After some thinking the fireman answered: - The piano is burning longer. ---------------------------------------------------- From: mar@geos.msk.su (Tshebletsov Victor V.) A movie actress has just remarried her first husband. It must have been his turn again. * * * "Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you, fat fellows are always good-natured?" "We have to be," answered Bob. You see we can't either fight or run." * * * "It must be terrible for an opera singer to realise that he can never sing again." "Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realise it." * * * "This is an ideal spot for picnic." "It must be. Fifty million insects can't be wrong." * * * "What is your worst sin?" "My vanity. I spend hours before the mirrow admiring my beauty." "That isn't vanity, my dear, that's imagination." * * * An angry man wrote the following letter: "Sir, my stenographer,being a lady, cannot tipe what I think of you. I, being a gentleman, cannot think it. You, being neither, will understand what I mean." * * * (At a restaurant) "No soup, please, I've just had my suit cleaned!" * * * "Now that we are married, perhaps I can point out a few of your defects." "Don't bother, dear, I know all about them. It's those defects that kept me from getting a better man than you." * * * Uncle: Well, my little man, what are you going to do when you grow up? Nephew: I'm going to grow a beard. Uncle: What for? Nephew: So I won't have so much face to wash. * * * "My wife is very hard to please." "But she wasn't always that way." "How do you know?" "Why, she married you, didn't she?" * * * Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietly not to wake up the other classes. * * * "Purely by accident, I've made one of the greatest discoveries," said the scientist. "May I asked what it was?" "I found that by keeping a bottle of ink handy you can use a fountain pen just like any other pen - without all the trouble of filling it." * * * "And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband. "Yes, several," the wife replied. "Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed." "I did." * * * The family quarrel had reached its height. "I wish I'd taken my mother's advice and never married you," cried the wife. "Do you mean to tell me that your mother tried to stop you marrying me?" The wife nodded. "Good heavens! How I've wronged that woman!" ---------------------------------------------------- From: miklg@acuson.com (Michael Goldman ) Subject: Econ 101 Got this from sci.econ - use it to cram for your econ tests: Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk. Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and sells you the milk. Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and then shoots you. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull. Anarchy: You have two cows. They decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society. Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead. Centralism: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others. Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk and give it back to the cows. Democracy: You have two cows. The vote is held, and they win. ---------------------------------------------------- This reminds me of a commedian (Wes King?) who was very apt at making sound effects using a microphone. He had a mic with an amp in his car with the speaker under his front grill. At one time he was travelling through a small town consistently at 2 and 3 in the morning on his way home and he would make the sound of a steam train travelling all the way through this town. He drove those people crazy... they didn't have any train tracks in that town. He saw a local newspaper article about people searching for the ghost train and missing tracks! Now there's a practical joke! ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff from t-robtp@ingate.microsoft's collection: ---------------------------------------------------- [Paraphrased from a column in the Washington Post National Weekly Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office. Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to the head of the line and he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has happened. "Simple", says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to." ------------------------- [forwards removed] COMPUTER FIRM ACCUSED OF CREATIVE BOOKKEEPING Federal regulators allege in a lawsuit that 16 former executives of MiniScribe Corporation altered company books and disguised bricks as computer disk drives to inflate the company's profits. The action filed Wednesday by the Securities and Exchange Commission............ ------------------------- Now that the Soviet coup has failed we can relax and have fun. How about predicting tomorrow's headlines. Here are a few of my ideas: NY Times: Coup fails. Gorbachev returned to power. Variety: Merci beacoup - Coup Boo Boo - Plotters in deep doo doo. any academic journal: The failed coup: A meta-statistical analysis of multi-variate factors leading to the failure of the 1991 Soviet coup. Cosmopolitan: Does your man have what it takes: A coup plotter quiz. PC Week: Coup plotters used Lotus 1-2-3. National Enquirer: I am carrying Yanavev's love child. The Sun: Elvis sighted at Red Square. Micronews ad: Eight Soviet dacchas available. Email t-gorby. No phone calls please. ------------------------- St. Paul, MN The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone. Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut. "I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could." The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy. ========== Inverness, FL A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape. "I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye. Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior. He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped. Bangkok, Thailand A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses. "We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said. In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding: "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking." ========== This first item comes from MicroSoftie JayG: Comedienne Judy Tenuta: "They have a philosophy course that prepares you for the Post Office. It's called 'I Think, Therefore I Am Overqualified." ========== This next item comes from MicroSoftie RussGr: A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury--eight women and four men--had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea. "Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?" "No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them." ========== This next item comes from Willamette U.'s J. Wettern: According to last night's ABC evening news, the Soviet Interior Ministry is now accepting bids for the well preserved body of ---- ---- Lenin! The minimum bid is $ 15 million. ========== Seen in the comic strip "Herman": Scene: doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed "Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right." ========== Bellevue, WA On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads. The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault. They each injured themselves and not the other. It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the pain. ========== New York, NY Police across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam. According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill. The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill. "People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,"" said an investigator. ========== This next item comes from MicroSoftie, KenHo: In his press conference, Mikhail Gorbachev told the story of how all his communications with the World were cut off by the leaders of the coup. During this isolation and house arrest, Gorbachev found an old radio. The clearest broadcasts that he could receive were from the BBC and Voice of America. They were his source for world news for the duration of the crisis. Ironic that the President of the Soviet Union had to rely on broadcasts from the West to find out what was going on in his country, the same as Soviet citizens have done for several decades. ========== Bellevue, WA There's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the woman who called wanting information on home schooling. Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone. Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form. The mother gave a Renton address. The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District. "No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools." ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 17416 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 9 Dec 91 13:58:14 PST (Monday) Subject: Life 7.N From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From From: SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem: Government studies show that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of ---------- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. ---------- ABDUCTED BAT IS BACK, BUT MYSTERY LINGERS By Stephen Hunt, Salt Lake Tribune Last year, shortly after Kris and Tyler Walton noticed an inflatable black Halloween bat was missing from their porch, the Salt Lake couple began receiving postcards from around the world signed by "Matt the Bat." The cards -- usually indicating Matt was "having a good time" -- were postmarked from New York, Florida, Mexico, Hawaii and Paris. Mrs. Walton initially thought she was receiving the postcards by mistake. But after reading a few of them carefully, she decided they must be linked to her missing inflatable bat. Some postcards promised Matt would return in time for Halloween. Sunday night it happened, with Matt returning as mysteriously as he disappeared. He was delivered at 11:30 p.m. by a neighbor claiming three people she met on the street asked her to deliver the package. The Waltons are still puzzling over that. But a dozen photos in the package with Matt left no doubt the intrepid bat had been seeing the world. The snapshots show Matt relaxing on a sandy beach, snorkeling in the ocean, cooling off in a Virgin Islands hotel swimming pool and hanging out in frong of a Honolulu police station. Though various pepole appear in the photos with Matt, there is no one the Waltons recognize. "We're baffled," Mrs. Walton said. ---------- (From the always-entertaining "Selling It" column in Consumer Reports:) The Flesh is Weak A consumer concerned about weight might well have been drawn to a coupon (printed in a magazine advertisement) good for a free two-liter bottle of Diet Coke. A six-ounce serving of Diet Coke does save you calories (it has 71 fewer than a serving of Coca-Cola Classic). But to qualify for the free diet soda, you have to buy Fisher mixed nuts (170 calories per serving), Duncan Hines cookies (110 calories per serving) and Pringles potato chips (170 calories per serving.) ---------- Lick That PLate Clean -- And then eat it (Reuters) Taipei A company in the Republic of China on Taiwan has invented what it claims is the world's first range of edible tableware. "Our bowls and plates are made of oatmeal and can be eaten or thrown away after use. Unlike plastic foam, they won't cause any pollution because birds and dogs can eat them," Lin Wan-jung, spokesman for Taiwan Sugu C., said yesterday. "The surface is glossy just like china ... they're the first of their kind in the world," he said. Production will start next week and is intially set at 20,000 bowls and plates a day, Lin said, adding that he expects the inventions to be popular in environmentally conscious markets such as the United States, Japan, and Europe. Edible bowls start to leak three to four hours after coming in contact with boiling water, he said. They will sell for 19 cents each. ---------------------------- Still hungry? Eat the plate TAIPEI, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate. Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers. Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each. Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said. Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused. ---------------------------------------------------- From SPAF's collection ---------- From: lost in transit Subject: Flying the coup To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us I heard that Aeroflot now has a program for frequent flee-ers. ---------- From: ekirby@buckeye.boeing.com (Elizabeth Kirby) Subject: Longevity Newsgroups: sci.med [...preliminary stuff deleted... Looks like time for the net-Vegan to re-register. --spaf] The 31st of January is "Alien Day." That's the deadline by which all aliens (i.e., non-U.S. citizens residing in the USA) are required to register their addresses with the U.S. Post Office. A bunch of science-fiction fans dressed in costumes of their favorite BEMs (bug-eyed monsters) from outer space went to the main post office in Bloomington, Indiana and demanded alien-registration forms. ---------- From: Joe Wiggins Subject: Mathematics, etc. To: yucks A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!" ---------- Date: 17 Sep 91 20:04:16 GMT From: ketter@MDI.COM (Cindy Ketterling) Subject: The Macross Beer Can Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime ... I see it more as the same sort of thing George Lucas did in "Empire Strikes Back" when he put a potato in the asteroid field. (It's there, kiddies ... we found it!) ... ---------- From: saddison@ca.novell.com (Skip Addison) (From Aviation Week and Space Technology, Oct 17, 1991 -- excerpted without permission) An accoustic-guided submunition call the BAT may be good against tanks, but not against an F-117. A reader who works on the stealth fighter in Saudi Arabia says bats (the natural ones) occasionally work their way into F-117 hangers [sic]. One night a hungry bat turned right into an F-117 rudder and fell stunned to the floor. He flew away groggily, leaving behind a heightened impression of the aircraft's stealth. "I don't know what the radar return is for the vertical tails of the F-117 but I always thought it had to be more than an insect's," the reader said. "I guess I was wrong." There may be some "science" in this -- the ultrasound wavelengths used by bats are roughly the same as X-band radar. ---------- Matthew P. Dukes, 26, sentenced to 30 days in jail in 1989 following his sixth drunken-driving conviction, tried for 15 months (through December 1990) to get into jail in Ravenna, Ohio, but each time was turned away because the jail was full. In December, Dukes filed a lawsuit in federal court claiming that his constitutional rights are being violated by the jail's refusal to admit him. In October, Salt Lake City police spotted a 28-year-old man who was loitering, and asked for identification. The man then absent-mindedly offered an ID a demand note that had been used in two recent robberies, and was arrested. Two teen-age boys, being driven to juvenile court by police officers in Reading, Pa., in March, escaped by dashing away when the car stopped for a light. However, the boys were handcuffed together and failed to communicate as they approached a flagpole. One went left, one went right, and they collided, stunning themselves momentairly until two nearby firefighters could hold them down for the police to catch up. In the English soccer championship game in May (seen by 80,000 people in Wembly Stadium and on television by 600 million people in 100 countries), the winning goal was scored in sudden-death overtime by Des Walker of the Nottingham Forest team, who headed the ball past his own goalie into his own net to gave Tottenham the title. In May in Ho Chi Minh City, about 50 people crowded onto a rickety bridge to peer at a girl who had jumped into the river below to commit suicide. The bridge collapsed, killing nine. The girl was rescued. >From the classified section of the Albuquerque Journal, Feb. 1, 1991: "Lost since March 1983, tortise shell female cat, reward." Included in last year's edition of "Outstanding Young Men of America" were five inmates of the Indiana State Prison, including a man serving 110 years for murder, named for his "outstanding civic and professional contributions." He had been nominated by another murderer. The Centers for Disease Control reported last August that the leading cause of on-the-job death for female workers is not accidents but murder - at a rate of 3 1/2 times that for male workers. The biggest traffic jam in Japan's history occurred last Aug. 12 - 15,000 vehicles, extending over 94 miles, brought on by a typhoon that forced the closing of several roads. --------- Date: Sat, 17 Aug 91 10:03:17 PDT From: one of our correspondants Subject: Computer Provides New Insights To: yucks-request MARIETTA, Ga. (AP) Adam, a small but muscular fellow who wears only sunglasses and a fig leaf, may eventually revolutionize the way medicine is taught and practiced. While Adam stands at the ready, the click of a computer mouse directing an interactive software program peels off his layers, from his skin to his bone marrow. The software program takes anatomy out of the textbook and into a computer. With it, medical students can dissect without cadavers and doctors can show patients exactly what they're about to do to them. "No one has ever illustrated anatomy in this kind of detail," said Greg Swayne, the medical illustrator who's president of A.D.A.M. Software Inc., a medical illustration company. "What we'll end up with is the Gray's Anatomy of the 21st century," he said, referring to the standard anatomy text. Educators and doctors say they're intrigued by A.D.A.M. "I've got 20 years teaching anatomy to medical students, and I've seen a lot of different-type innovations come and go," said Dr. Andrew F. Payer, associate professor of anatomy and neuroscience at the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston. "I really believe this particular program is probably the most innovative I've seen, with the most potential." A.D.A.M. stands for Animated Dissection of Anatomy for Medicine, but Swayne admits the acronym came first. The design team is working its way up Adam's body. The foot and lower leg went on the market in January. The knee and hip are almost done. The thoracic region, upper extremities and head and neck will follow within two years, Swayne said. Twenty-eight feet programs have been sold to podiatrists. A.D.A.M. for MacIntosh computers sells for $3,450; IBM users pay $3,750. The price isn't necessarily a stumbling block for "a modern podiatric medical establishment," Wakefield said. "You know, $3,600 or so in an effort to contribute to patient education may pale by comparison with $36,000 for some automobiles these days." With the system's "scalpel," students can slice through Adam's skin, exposing what's underneath without any bleeding. They can pry apart his muscles, saw his bones and install screws to heal a nasty fracture. "This is going to be to doctors what airline simulators have been for pilots," Swayne said. "Cadaver dissection is really becoming a dying art," he said. But at least one educator says A.D.A.M. won't mean the end of dissection and surgical practice. "It's not a total replacement," said Dr. Margaret Hougland, who wants to test A.D.A.M. at East Tennessee State University's Division of Health Sciences. "You still have to have the touch." A.D.A.M.'s designers are already working on improvements. Coming soon will be four races of Adam with changing skin tones, and an Eve. --------- From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: And you thought that it was unethical to patent a look and feel ... To set the background for this - Congress has been sold on a 15-year, $3-billion project to map and sequence the entire human genome. The problem, of course, is that only about 3% of the 3,000,000,000 base pairs in our genome are what one might call a real gene; the rest is (currently believed to be) junk of various sorts. Starting with DNA, all of it, it will be slow and painstaking work to separate the wheat from the chaff, but much will be learned along the way. There is another, cheaper, approach, and that is to decide that one is not immediately interested in all that 97% of the DNA that appears to be junk. If one takes this approach, one then looks instead at the RNA's that are transcribed from the DNA to see what parts of it are actually active genes. The technique is to: 1) Isolate all of the messenger RNA from a cell 2) Convert it back to DNA (cDNA) using viral reverse transcriptase 3) Clone and amplify it (using the polymerase chain reaction) 4) Sequence the clones, which will be pure genes. So far, there has been a sort of less than gentlemanly debate between those that want to hurt themselves by sequencing all DNA, good and bad, and those who are accused of trying to strip mine the cream off of the top by sequencing only cDNA. Enter a DNA researcher named Craig Venter. He has set up a laboratory of DNA sequencing robots and is cranking out cDNA gene sequences. So far he has no idea what any of them are or do, he simply culls out the new gene sequences, based upon his not finding them in existing gene sequence databases. This might just be regarded as bad manners, had he not filed a wholesale patent application on the first 337 of them, with 2000 more in the works. (Over the course of the last 10 years, only about 600 human genes have been sequenced in the traditional way, and only a handful of these have been patented, at great effort and expense.) The biology world is in an uproar! It has long been regarded as perfectly ok, even desirable, to be able to patent a cloned gene. One isolates and purifies it, determines what it does, and figures out how to make a useful drug/test/etc. from it. The problem is that Craig is doing the equivalent of the following: he has discovered a smashed alien spaceship, sitting amidst a mountain of circuit components. Rather than try to reassemble and study some part of it, he has put an army of robots to work at systematically disassembling and diagraming all of its circuits. As each circuit diagram rolls off of the printer, if it looks unlike anything else on Earth, he submits it in a patent application. He will figure out what it does later, maybe. Patent law considers three criteria: it must be novel, nonobvious, and have utility. It does not consider how hard you had to work to invent it. It is thus expected that if he fails, then it will be on the utility test. Not knowing what each new gene sequence is, or what it is related to, makes it hard to claim any utility for it. (This approach - the shotgun construction of many chemical variants - has been tried in the past by chemists without success.) But just in case, maybe you should contact your lawyer before you try to do anything useful with any of your genes - like lift a finger - just in case it has already been patented. If it hasn't, then I would turn it to pushing a key on you computer - the one that spits out random number sequences with a patent application filled in at the top of the page. Who knows - maybe one will predict when the Turing machine will stop. [Hmm, I hope I'm not a Gene that has already been patented, or I'm in real trouble! --spaf] ---------- From: Chris "Johann" Borton A New Programming Language: SARTRE Bruce R. Donald Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties. The SARTRE language has two basic data types, the EN-SOI and the POUR-SOI. The EN-SOI is a completely filled heap, whereas the POUR-SOI is a dynamic structure which never has the same value. The structures are accessed through the the only operation defined in SARTRE, nihilation, which usually results in a ?BAD FAITH at PC 02AC040 error. Comparisons in SARTRE have a peculiar form in that the IF statement can take no arguments and simply reads IF; Similarly, assignments can only be of the form WHAT-IS := (NOT WHAT-IS); since in SARTRE the POUR-SOI is only, and exactly, what it is not. Although this sounds confusing, a background process, the NIHILATOR, is constantly running, making any such statements (or any statements at all, for that matter), completely meaningless. SARTRE programs do not terminate, of course, since there is No Exit. *start* 16167 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 16 Jan 92 13:07:59 PST (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.P From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From: crussell@mudder.enet.dec.com (Make a little birdhouse in your soul) Subject: "The VAXorcist" - the ultimate VAX horror story Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0? Well, you had it easy...... THE VAXORCIST ------------- A rough draft of a video presentation by Christopher Russell Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering University of Maryland (SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room. CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is sitting in front of the console terminal, typing. He pauses, picks up a small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to the console where he continues typing.) (There is a knock at the door. SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it, revealing USER.) USER: Any idea when the system will be up? SYSMGR: Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright. Assuming everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow morning. USER: Great. Thanks. (Exits) (SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.) ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE: This is John Smith, University of Maryland System Manager. In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX. But little does he know that the Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ... the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE! (ominous music - fade out) (Fade in. The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up his coat and walks to the door. He stops at the door for a moment, looking back at the big machine. Finally, he turns out the light and exits, closing the door behind him.) (Cut to the Console Terminal. We read the following as it is printed on the console terminal:) VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS -- DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING... DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY. DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING... TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING DECNET ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ... (Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive. The tape spins for a moment, and suddenly stops.) (Cut to view of the Machine Room. A fog has begun drifting across the floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light. A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence. A variety of bizarre things occur: A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360 degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding like mad. These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can keep them up. FADE OUT) (SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room. SYSMGR walks up to the door and is met by USER.) USER: System going to be up soon? SYSMGR: (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape. Tangled at about eye level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it. CLOSE UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days.... (SCENE: View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her. Beside her on the wall is a poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It". We can see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it. She is wearing a headset.) TSR: Colorado Customer Support. What is your access number, please? SYSMGR VOICE: 31576 TSR: And your name? SYSMGR VOICE: John Smith. (Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console. He his holding a phone to his head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is perusing while he talks on the phone.) TSR VOICE: And what operating system are you using? SYSMGR: VMS version 5. TSR VOICE: And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered product? (As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and he drops the printout and ducks. At that second, a disk platter flies through the air where his head just was. Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and looks to where the disk went. PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a disk embedded in one of them at neck height.) SYSMGR: (into the phone) Operating System. Definitely the Operating System. (Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.) TSR: Can you describe the problem, please? (SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling) TSR: Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes... Line printers printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the air... uh huh... disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from the CPU board... I see... yes. Is that all? (pause as she finishes typing at the terminal) Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment, can I have them get back to you? (CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office. DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.) (SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...) MANAGER: So tell me! What the hell happened?! DEVELOPER: (turning to face MANAGER) It's a glitch, a fluke. A one in a billion chance. And it's not Development's fault. Not really. MANAGER: Then who's fault is it? DEVELOPER: We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center. It seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk. (He removes a CD from his jacket) This one, to be precise. MANAGER: And what's that? DEVELOPER: (reading the label) "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits". Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't used yet. But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and the computer just sort of became a thing possessed. MANAGER: Wonderful. Were any other distributions affected? DEVELOPER: No, just the University of Maryland's. MANAGER: Well, that's a relief. We've got to get them taken care of before anyone finds out. Can you imagine what Digital Review would do if they heard about this? DEVELOPER: We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group. MANAGER: No, we've already used that one. This calls for drastic action. (MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex) DEVELOPER: Who are you going to send? (CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards. The first card reads: SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474 he flips to the next card: BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937 he flips to the next card: REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365 he flips to the next card OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887 he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger: SYSTEM #$#%&*( UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666 (CUT to Machine Room. SYSMGR is standing by the console holding an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera. There is a knock at the door. Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens it. Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.) VAXORCIST: (in a hushed voice) DEC sent me. I hear you're having some problems. (CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the walls and clutter on the desk. As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath. He is wearing a DEC badge.) SYSMGR: (Frantic) Problems? Problems?!? You could say I'm having some problems. 4.6 was fine. 4.7 was fine. I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks loose. The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning! VAXORCIST: Calm down, everything will be alright. I've dealt with situations like this before. SYSMGR: You have? VAXORCIST: Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system directory. When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies. There was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about. But don't worry. These things can be fixed. Before I can help you, though, I have to ask you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began after you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct? SYSMGR: Yes, that's correct. VAXORCIST: Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS Version 5? SYSMGR: (confused) Installation Guide? VAXORCIST: Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes. SYSMGR: (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath) VAXORCIST: (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes. They should have come with your documentation upgrade. SYSMGR: (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade? VAXORCIST: (angry) YES! The Documentation upgrade for your VMS Documentation Set! SYSMGR: Documentation S...? Oh, you mean the grey binders? They're over there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST. The VAXORCIST turns and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders. A small red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS"). VAXORCIST: Right. This is going to be tougher than I thought. Let's go take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is. (CUT to the Machine Room. The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign that anything is wrong. The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR behind him.) VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me. SYSMGR: Maybe it's hibernating. VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense of security. SYSMGR: Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look) VAXORCIST: I'm going to have to test it's power. This could get ugly, you may want to leave. (The SYSMGR shakes his head no. The VAXORCIST brings hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it) By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder) (CUT to door to the machine room. The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape) SYSMGR: Any other bright ideas? VAXORCIST: Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me. (CUT to SYSMGRs office) VAXORCIST: (Writing on the clipboard) Things look pretty bad. I think we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here. SYSMGR: Is there anything I can do to help? VAXORCIST: As a matter of fact, there is. We've got to incapacitate the VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with it. Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be installed. (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape) With that running, the CPU will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody. SYSMGR: (Examining the tape) What is it? A program to calculate pi to the last digit? VAXORCIST: Better than that. It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load. (CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room. The VAXORCIST approaches the door. As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back. VAXORCIST: I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there. SYSMGR: What? You're going in there to face that thing alone? You're nuts! VAXORCIST: Hey, it's my job. (VAXORCIST turns to the door) SYSMGR: Wait a minute. (VAXORCIST stops and turns around) You better take this with you. (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking gun from the inside of his jacket) VAXORCIST: (Smiling) No, I won't need that. I've got something more powerful. (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it, and shows it to SYSMGR. CUT to closeup of the book which reads: "GUIDE TO VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM") (CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX. The VAXORCIST enters the room and stands in front of the VAX. CUT to view of the Machine Room showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX) VAXORCIST: By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show thyself. VAX: Bugger off. VAXORCIST: (Shaken) What? VAX: I said Bugger off! Now get out of here before I core-dump all over you! VAXORCIST: (Recovered) Threaten me not, oh Evil one! For I speak with the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself! (A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a fog begins to roll across the floor. The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be the creature's eyes) VAX: There. Happy? Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on your private parts. VAXORCIST: (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in gregorian chant. The VAX screams.) VAX: Stop that! Stop that! You, you DOS LOVER! Your mother manages RSX systems in Hell! (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.) VAX: Stop it! (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST, apparently from the VAX). Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath! (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.) VAXORCIST: (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I banish thee back to the null-space from which you came! (The VAX screams and the scream fades to silence.) (CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open. The VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.) SYSMGR: So it's over? VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over. SYSMGR: (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God. Listen, thanks a lot. I don't know what we would have done without you. VAXORCIST: Hey, it's the least we could do. The Software Distribution Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out that AI routine and prevent this from happening again. Sign here. (he hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back) Have a good one. (VAXORCIST leaves). (SYSMGR enters the machine room. Camera follows him in.) SYSMGR: (Calling to someone off-camera) Okay, you guys, let's get rolling. Get those backup tapes out. We've got a clean system again! (cheers are heard from off-camera. The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture. Slow zoom in to the LSI unit. Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red glow) (Fade to black. CREDITS ROLL) ------ Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (crussell@eng.umd.edu). Please feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as this notice is left intact. Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons, creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental. I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm not particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any of this. Unless it's funny, then it's mine. Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the script and the video. *start* 15404 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 22 Jan 92 16:33:57 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 7.Q From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Question : What is the difference between a terrorist and a red head ? Answer : At least you can reason with a terrorist. ---------------------------------------------------- Q How do blonde braincells die ? A Alone. Q How do you know if a blonde writes mysteries? A She has a check book. Q How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece. Q How do you make a blonde person's eyes sparkle? A You shine a flashlight in either ear. Q How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof? A Tell him "The drinks are on the house." Q What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air? A A woman collecting her thoughts. Q Whats the difference between a Smart Blonde and a UFO? A You know they are out there BUT, People have reported sighting UFO's ---------------------------------------------------- Blonde enters a beauty contest and her promoter decide she needs some preparation before the competition. She is taken to a stadium along with 50,000 other blondes (for moral support). She is doing fine in her training till it comes down to the skill testing question. What is 5+5+5...... she thinks for a moment and answers ....15. From the 50,000 blondes a cry arises "give her another chance" ---------------------------------------------------- There was a young recrute, who had his intake interview for the army: Q "What rank would you want to have soldier?" A "I like to be a general Sir." Q "What! Are you out of your mind?" A "No Sir, do I have to?" ---------------------------------------------------- Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" I think this holds true for most of the new marketing alliances, too. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Archaeology It may not have much of a future But it has one hell of a past. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Darryl Hahn The fun thing about them "Escape to Wisconsin" bumper stickers is while living in Wisconsin I use to see many cars that had cut out the "to" to make it say "Escape Wisconsin" ---------------------------------------------------- From: rcr@Logix.DE (Rainer Ruppert) last week I was in London, went into a phone shop to buy a little dialer, what then happend was so funny... I swear it happend: An older woman was waiting for the clerk, when he arrived she put a plastic bag on the desk, picked out a telephone-it looked quite new- and said: "I got abscene phone calls" "You got what ?", the clerk responds "I got obscene phone calls, I don't wanna have that phone" the clerk could not believe what he heared and asked carefully again "You got obscene phone calls with that phone ?" "Yes, please give me annother" ... the guy turned around, faces my and asked "Sir, can I help you quick, this one takes a little bit longer", Badly I had to buy me dialer and had to left the shop, don't know how the story ends. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Rodney H Davis According to my latest copy of "Audubon Endangered Species Newsletter", ecologists and scientists both agree that the fiscally responsible politicians died out about 40 years ago. A few scientists are still searching in remote outhern Swamps, hoping to find a survivor. But most agree that the species is EXTINCT. They believe the fiscally responsible politicians succumb to intense competition for habitat, with the introduction of the spend happy-buy more votes politicians. Experts state that this extinction could have been prevented, with the help of voters demanding a balance budget (except in the case of a National Emergency). In New York, we have a sub species to the fiscally responsible politician. The scientific name of this sub species is the fiscally irresponsible politician. Locally, we call it Cuomo. Unlike it's cousin, this sub species can not balance a budget (even after increasing our taxes 5 billion dollars in 1991, with a 5' per gallon tax hike), can not meet budget deadlines (demolishing local government and school board budget processes), has spending habits of Tammy Fae Baker (letıs increase Welfare 15% this year and rebuild every bridge in N.Y. and ...), but it does look pretty. If you are unfamiliar with this species habits, it bascially mimics the borrowing habits of the Federal government. Except that the money wasn't spent on defense. I wonder, what was it spent on? Oh well, if anyone does see a fiscally responsible politican, please do not call me! Cause, I don't believe in Unicorns or the Easter Bunny. ---------------------------------------------------- From: rivero@dev8i.mdcbbs.com (Michael) Years ago, in the heyday of the Viking landigs, we recieved a letter of this type from a student who told us he was writing a report on "The Mountains and Valleys of Mars". His questions to us were phrased in such a manner as to leave no doubt that he wanted the report written FOR him. Our reply went something like.... Dear Student Thank you for your recent letter. Best of luck on your upcoming report, "The Mountains and Valleys of Mars". You are correct, our position gives us a unique look at the subject, and it is with great pleasure and deep humility that we tell you that Mars does indeed have mountains and valleys. Yours truly, Viking flight team. ---------------------------------------------------- From: gna@ipk.msk.su (Gavrilova Natalya A.) ****************** Two men went to mountains for a walk. Suddenly one of them fell to the gulf. His friend cried: - How are you? Are you alive? - Yes, - was the answer. - How is your head? - O.K.! - How are your legs? - O.K.! - And what about your hands? - Everything is O.K.! - Oh, if everything is O.K., why don,t you climb out of the gulf? - I can't. I don't reach the bottom yet! ****************** Chicago. Midnight. Narrow, dark street.Two men meet. One asks another: - Excuse me please, have you seen police somewhere here? - No, I haven't. - O'key. In such case give me all your money. ****************** Moscow. Two friends (by the way, both in military boots) walked along the streets. Suddenly one of them disappeared. Another one cried : " Hey! Where are you? ". - I am here, on the next street. - What are you doing there? - I caught the Polar bear! - Oh, that's fine! Take it here, to me. - With great pleasure, but I can't - bear holds me fast and doesn't let me go! ---------------------------------------------------- From: gornish@csrd.uiuc.edu (Edward H. Gornish) Subject: Gorby's Yellow Ribbon (Sung to the obvious tune.) I'm coming home I've done my time. And I've got to know what's Yeltsin's and what is mine. Now if you've received the message telling you I'd soon be free, Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me. If you still want me. Oh tie a yellow ribbon around the Kremlin tower. It's been three long days that I've been out of power. If I don't see a ribbon around that old Kremlin tower, I'll stay in Crimea, Ain't never gonna see ya', Cause Yeltsin's the man of the hour. If I don't see a yellow ribbon around that old Kremlin tower. Aeroflot pilot please look for me, Cause I couldn't dare to see what I might see. Now I'm really still in trouble, and it's like there's still a coup, A simple yellow ribbon will cure me from the flu. Cure me from the flu. (CHORUS) ---------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 09 Nov 91 22:10:38 -0500 From: "David A. Curry" Subject: World Wide Product Announcement To: bob World Wide Product Announcement LAFAYETTE, IN -- November 9, 1991 -- After nine months of intense development, Curry & Curry are proud to announce the newest model in their product line, the Sean Mason. FEATURES The Sean Mason represents the current state of the art, including such advanced features as a neural-network-based central processing unit (CPU), short- and long-term on-line data storage (memory), and a self-learning, self-teaching operating system with automatic heuristic development, error detection, and error correction. The Sean Mason also comes equipped with a variety of peripherals including two five-digit manipulators which can also function as small arithmetic processing units (APUs); an input port that will accept data in liquid formats (solid formats are under development); two output ports for liquid and solid data formats; one variable-volume, variable-pitch audio output device; two audio input devices with 20-20,000 Hz frequency response; two video input devices which may be used independently or combined for stereo vision tasks; and self-propulsion. The initial operating system shipped with the Sean Mason is primitive, and will require a good deal of instruction from the end user. Fortunately, most end users find this instruction process very self-rewarding. As the neural network becomes more adept at simple tasks, the operating system rapidly becomes capable of self-modification, resulting in a greatly increased rate of development. During this time, the operating system will devise and conduct numerous experiments, some of which may be hazardous or otherwise undesirable. When the unit enters this mode, the TIMEOUT and SPANK debuggers may prove useful for correcting the problem. DIAGNOSTICS CRY, an audible alarm indication, is triggered upon input queue underflow or output queue overflow. As the operating system accumlates more data, it eventually develops automatic input and output queue length regulation. SMILE, a visible alarm indication, is triggered upon underflow or overflow rectification, and also as a general sign of the unit's proper functioning. BURP, another audible alarm, indicates successful processing of available input. OPERATIONAL NOTES When the video input peripherals are covered, this indicates that the unit is in its idle loop, used for automatic recharging. Initial recharging periods are short and irregular, but gradually they become regular, lasting for approximately 8 of every 24 hours. Termination of recharging mode may raise the CRY alarm condition. After inital unpacking, the unit will require input every two to three hours. After input processing has been completed, one or both output devices may be activated. Presence of output may be signalled by the CRY alarm condition. CAUTION The appearance of the unit, which reflects the current state of the art in exterior packaging, may cause irrational behavior in adults. This behavior is typified by "oohs", "aahs", and incomprehensible utterances commonly referred to as "baby talk". SPECIFICATIONS Length: 19.5 inches Weight: 8 lbs 1 oz AVAILABILITY The prototype Sean Mason unit began functioning at 1:22pm EST today. STATUS The production staff, although tired, are well and happy. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Sarah M. Elkins Trek Episodes Weıd Like to See: "Rest In Pieces" The Enterprise gets into a trap and tries to bluff its way out by the old countdown to destruction method. The whatever streaks away in an effort to avoid the blast, however when Riker starts to consent to cancel the countdown, saying "Yes, absolutely, wholeheartedly I concur" he has a coughing fit and Bev doesn't have any cough drops on her. "In a Pig's Eye" A StarFleet admiral/beauracrat who's involved with the Enterprise in a mission proves to have total integrity and reasonable intelligence, and solves the problem without any assistance from the Enterprise. "Life is But a Dream" Wesley returns to the ship and almost blows everyone else up with some experiment. In the middle of Picard being kinder and gentler with Wes, Kirk wakes up sweating and tells Spock and Bones the next day about his awful recurring nightmare. "Fudge Factor Begone!" Kirk/Picard asks Scotty/Geordi for a time-of-repair estimate and gets the right answer the first time without having to say "That's not good enough mister!" or alternately, Kirk/Picard demands that Scotty/Geordi cut the time-of-repair estimate from 2 days to 2 hours, and Scotty/Geordi indignantly denies that the repairs can be made any faster, ending with "Fix it yourself!", and storms off to drink/party nekkid in the Holodeck. ---------------------------------------------------- From: djor!rubin@apple.com (Owen Rubin) The new 1991 1040VEZ cngressional TAX form (VEZ = Very Eazy) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | U.S Income Tax Calculation and Remittance Form Taxation Year | | (Simplified) Form #1990VEZ 1991 | | | |--------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | | | | |Line 1: How much money did you make last year? | $_______.___ | | | | | | | |--------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | | | | |Line 2: 10% of Line 1 | $_______.___ | | | | | | | |--------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | | | | |Line 3: Add Line 1 and Line 2 together | $_______.___ | | | | | | | |--------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | | | | |Line 4: Send in amount on Line 3 | $_______.___ | | | | | | | -------------------------------------------------------------------------- *start* 15195 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 5 Feb 92 16:50:44 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 7.R From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded! - The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT ---------------------------------------------------- From: vsnyder@jato.jpl.nasa.gov (Van Snyder) Subject: Re: Practical Jokes When a Frosh, shortly after moving into the student house, one of the Sophs propped a wastebasket full of water against my door. Naturally, it flooded my room. So I ALMOST propped a wastebasket against his door. When he opened it, I could almost hear him muttering "damn frosh don't know how to pull an RF" as he was pouring it into his sink. But I'd removed the gooseneck during dinner. ---------------------------------------------------- From: jeff@malibu.sedd.trw.com (The Buccaneer) We have not succeeded in answering all our problems. The answers we have found only serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but we are confused on a higher level and about more important things. ---------------------------------------------------- 2. From the newswires, and this morning's San Jose News: PROCRASTINATOR'S PREDICTIONS COME TRUE - AGAIN Fearlessly, accurately and belatedly, the Procrastinator's Club of America has just released its predictions of things to come in 1991. Among them: - That Pee-wee Herman will run into trouble of an embarrassing nature. - That after hitting the ski slopes at taxpayer expense, John Sununu will hit the skids as White House chief of staff. - That the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics will expire at the age of 74. On the button every one. How do they do it? Simple. "It's a matter of timing," says Procrastinator's Club founder and acting president Les Waas. "Instead of making predictions at the beginning of the year, we usually end up waiting until the end." Waas has been acting president for more than a decade because the club hasn't gotten around to holding an election. He says the club has more than 9,500 members and contends that another half a million or so would join if they got around to it. The club is still in the midst of its 1983 membership drive. If you want to join, write to Box 712, Bryn Athyn, Pa. 19009. Take your time. ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor.funny: From: SHAMROCK@genie.com (Marc) Subject: "Your mother should know" "Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie. --------------------- From: bryan@cs.utexas.edu (Bryan Bayerdorffer @ Wit's End) Subject: Devilish one-liner If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee. --------------------- From: merriam@ecst.csuchico.edu (Charles Merriam) Subject: Programming the hard way I Made this up after we hired a programmer from Hewlett-Packard. A programmer for Hewlett-Packard went to the doctor complaining about pain in her wrists. The doctor poked and prodded her (with cold instruments) for a while and issued of a prognosis. "You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but its in its early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming." "Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?" --------------------- From: jneff@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Joe Neff) Subject: Coincidence? [original, as far as I know] Pres. Bush's Chief of Staff John Sununu was fired. Within hours, Pan Am went out of business. ---------------------------------------------------- From Thomas Lapp These came from a program which was shown on Public Television during the fund drive in September of 1991. The program was "Love, Medicine and Miricles.": ============================== Attention: The meeting of the Apathy Support Group has been cancelled due to lack of interest. You can't take it with you. So don't go. Dinner will be served at the sound of the smoke alarm. Do you know why the tribes of Israel wondered in the desert for 40 years? Because even then men couldn't stop to ask directions. Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman. Sometimes I wake up grouchy. Sometimes I just let him sleep. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Never argue with a woman when she is tired -- or rested. God created man before She created woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece. Once I thought I was wrong. But I was mistaken. "Life is full of miserableness, lonelyness, unhappiness and suffering, and it is all over with much too quickly" -- Woody Allan Life is full of opportunities and pitfalls. Our job is to seize the opportunities, avoid the pitfalls and be home by 6 o'clock. A smile increases your face value Laughter is contagious. Be a carrier. He who laughs, lasts. "There is something worse than death in this life. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean." -- Woody Allan ---------------------------------------------------- The following are from Spaf's collection: ---------------------------------------------------- From: pjs@euclid.jpl.nasa.gov (Peter Scott) Subject: Whose country is it? Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Found in _Maps of the Mind_, by Charles Hampden-Turner: A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds later, he was eating dust again. Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?" The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!" ---------------------------------------------------- From: gkn@Sdsc.Edu (Gerard K. Newman) Subject: bats and the F-117 stealth To: spaf I attended a presentation (unclassified) on the F-117 a while ago (when the Air Force finally admitted that it existed), and among the interesting tidbits discussed about the aircraft was that the largest radar cross section is the pilot's helmet ... ---------------------------------------------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) >From an article in this week's *SF Weekly* on Cuba: "They call this scientific Marxism," said one, bitter at the lack of opportunities and angry at the government. "But if it were really scientific, they would have tried it out on rats first." ---------------------------------------------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: tax man >From _The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin_ by Indries Shah, The Octagon Press Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in _Qualitative Evaluation and Research Methods_ by Michael Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990. Reprinted without permission. A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?" "I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man. "In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!" The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers. "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools." ---------------------------------------------------- From: "SANDE WALLFESH" Subject: another top-ten list To: "eniac" A friend gave me the following item from a recent "Washington Post". Despite some network problems here, I thought I'd try to pass it on: "As reported in this newspaper last week, the Central Intelligence Agency has started a new advertising campaign designed to attract more minority 'professionals' to its ranks. The agancy has even adopted a new slogan: 'The CIA. Our business is knowing the world's business.' "Nice try, but the wits at our office think the CIA could do better. Herewith are our Top 10 new CIA ad slogans: 10. "When you care to assassinate the very best." 9. "This is not your father's OSS." 8. "There's an agent in your neighborhood, waiting to serve YOU." 7. "The CIA: Don't look back; something IS gaining on you." 6. "The CIA: We have a new slogan, but we can't tell you what it is." 5. "A job with the CIA. Look what it did for George Bush." 4. "Tastes great! Less killing!" 3. "You deserve a break (in) today." 2. "Have a cloak and a smile." And the No. 1 slogan ... (drumroll): "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, New World Orders don't upset us." ---------------------------------------------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: From News of the Weird The following item is quoted in its entirety from the "News of the Weird" column by Chuck Shepherd as it appeared in the December 6, 1991 edition of the {Chicago Reader}. The column is a collection of strange and bizarre news stories from all over, sent in by readers: > The Chinese Government, concerned about secrecy, recently had its > entire telephone system rewired so that military officials can't > call, or be called from, outside the country. A {New York Times} > reporter trying to confirm the story with China's Bureau of Secrecy > found the bureau's phone number was classified. Researchers have > reported being told that, among other things, the number of sheep > in China and the number of potatoes grown every year are secrets. ---------------------------------------------------- From: sherman@.cs.umbc.edu (Dr. Alan Sherman) Subject: Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions Newsgroups: rec.music.dementia Announcing: Technical Report TRCS-91-17, University of Maryland Baltimore County. A preliminary version of this paper appeared in two parts in {\it SIGACT News}, {\bf 22}:1 (winter 1991), Whole Number~78, 65--73, and {\bf 22}:2 (spring 1991), Whole Number~79, 51--56. On Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions Alan T. Sherman Computer Science Department University of Maryland Baltimore County Baltimore, Maryland 21228 and Institute for Advanced Computer Studies University of Maryland College Park College Park, Maryland 20742 June 21, 1990 (revised April 1, 1991) Abstract A superpolylogarithmic subexponential function is any function that asymptotically grows faster than any polynomial of any logarithm but slower than any exponential. We present a recently discovered nineteenth-century manuscript about these functions, which in part because of their applications in cryptology, have received considerable attention in contemporary computer science research. Attributed to the little-known yet highly-suspect composer/mathematician Maria Poopings, the manuscript can be sung to the tune of ``Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'' from the musical Mary Poppins. In addition, we prove three ridiculous facts about superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions. Using novel extensions to the popular DTIME notation from complexity theory, we also define the complexity class SuperPolyLog/SubExp, which consists of all languages that can be accepted within deterministic superpolylogarithmic subexponential time. We show that this class is notationally intractable in the sense that it cannot be conveniently described using existing terminology. Surprisingly, there is some scientific value in our notational novelties; moreover, students may find this paper helpful in learning about growth rates, asymptotic notations, cryptology, and reversible computation. Keywords. Algorithms, asymptotic notation, complexity theory, cryptography, cryptology, DTIME, mathematical humor, Maria Poopings, Mary Poppins, musical computer science, reversible computation, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions, SuperPolyLog/SubExp. --- lyrics --- Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions (Sung to the tune of ``Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.'') Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions! Faster than a polylog but slower than exponential. Even though they're hard to say, they're truly quintessential. Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! For Alice to send a message through to Bob when Eve's eavesdropping, do use a trapdoor one-way function---not a one-key mapping. First take a message x, let's say, and raise it to the e; then mod it out by p times q but keep these secretly. Oh! (Chorus) Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! The process takes but poly-time and appears to be secure: why even just a single bit is one over polylog pure. Though Alice thinks that Eve must spend time at least exponential, by using Lenstra's elliptic curves, Eve splits n subexponentially. Oh! (Chorus) Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Most computations dissipate a lot of energy; we remove the heat with water but there's a better strategy. Since thermodynamics does not apply when info is not doomed, the laws of physics don't require that power be consumed. Oh! (Chorus) Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Now Bennett said in `73, to run a program P, you simulate the program P, but do so reversibly. The problem with this method is that space is exponential, so trade off time to save on space---this really is essential! Oh! (Chorus) Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay! Did you know if you invert one, you get a funtionential subexporithmic logapolyrepus? But that's quite a singularity! So, If you are in an oral exam and cannot find the way, just summon up these words and then you've got a lot to say. But better use them carefully or you could fail the test. A professor once asked me, ``What do you call functions that grow faster than any polylogarithm but slower than exponential?'' There're, Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions! Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions! Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions! Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions! --- end of lyrics --- Note: See paper for detailed performance notes and mathematical proofs by anagramming.