*start* 13189 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 26 Feb 92 17:21:07 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 7.S From: Cate3 To: Cate3 I picked up the following stuff through Todd Reese (todd@gwinnett.com) who pulled it off dsc.cuties ---------------------------------------------------- Don't be too hard on our politicians. Many of them are doing the work of two men--Laurel and Hardy! -- Claude McDonald -------------------------- Contributed by: ihuxi!ihuxd!grs Paraphased from the bridge column of the LA Times 9-12-82 Have you ever wondered what the first game ever played was? Some people think it was tennis, because early in the Bible it says that "Joseph served in Pharoah's court". Others believe it was baseball, since in Genesis it says: "In the big inning ..." There seems to be no doubt what the last game ever played will be -- bridge, since at the end of the world "Gabriel will play the last trump" -------------------------- Knowledge is the only instrument of production that is not subject to diminishing returns. -- J.M. Clarke -------------------------- Contributed by: ihnss!harpo!decvax!watmath!watarts!geo Things you should know so this story will be funny: (1) Venesuela is a *very* Catholic. (2) Baked Potatoes sometimes explode if you don't pierce the skins to let the steam escape. My parents met, and got married while working in Venesuela for Shell Oil. Shell provided their North American employees with North American houses, Venesuelan maids, and a company store that sold North American food, like potatoes. My mother taught her maid how to prepare baked potatoes. In some families, people poke the uncooked potatoes with a fork, other families cut an "X" in them. In my family we cut an "X" in them. Anyhow, one day my mother heard an explosion in the kitchen! She ran in to see what was going on. The maid was hysterical, and there was baked potatoe all over the oven. "!Senhora!" she cried. "!I am so sorry, I knew how religious you were, but this time I was in a hurry, and I didn't think God would notice..." -------------------------- Contributed by: ihps3!ihuxl!ignatz This doesn't address what people in other countries do with English-based programming languages...but DOES touch what some do when they come to this country... Five years ago, I was a fresh college graduate with lotsa experience...in the college environment. Thus, I took work where I could: a) get experience, and b) get paid a REAL salary. Not necessarily in that order. Thus, I took a job at an engineering consulting firm in Chicago--a Large one-- that will remain nameless. (I'm still on good terms with them, and wish to remain so. Those familiar with the business will guess who the company is by the fact that they handle most of Commonwealth Edison's nuclear power plant blueprints, equipment lists, etc.) In any case, my work there was, primarily, design and implementation of an interactive order monitoring and flow control system on a PR1ME 300. In (shudder) COBOL. But, things being as they were, the more senior members of the team immediately dumped undesirable jobs on the newest member. Me. One that I inherited was a ten-year old set of inventory programs, in COBOL, that no one fully understood anymore. One fine day, I'm tracking down a user gripe--er, request--which took me into a part of the package that, surprisingly, hadn't been looked at for almost the entire life of the package; specifically, a group of about 10 routines, comprising about 10,000 lines of COBOL code. When I ran the listings off and tried to read them, the fun began. You see, it seems the programmer was well-trained for someone in the '60s; the code was all well-documented, variable names made sense and were described in loving detail, and the code itself was modular and interspersed with suitable comments. All in Indian. You know, the curry-and-rice type. That's right, 10,000+ lines of code, with nothing but keywords in English. Fortunately, my officemate was Indian, and understood the dialect; between the two of us, the program was changed to suit the ridiculous request of the user. But neither of us had the time or fortitude to translate that glop on our own. So, bringing the state of affairs to the attention of our team leader, we awaited his enlightened decision. Which was: "What? You're kidding me. Well...It hasn't been updated in 6 years. Just leave it. Someone else will fix it. Don't mention this, OK???" (Cigar pointed like .45) Right, sure, whatever you say. Somewhere in this happy land the sun is burning bright...but in the bowels of the Company machine lurks 10,000 lines of fine code for some bright, young, idealistic person to find and... Dave Ihnat ihuxl!ignatz -------------------------- The test of a first-fate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald -------------------------- Dear Mr. President: The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as "railroads." ... As you may well know, Mr. President, "railroad" carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by "engines" which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed. Martin Van Buren Governor of New York -------------------------- Think today's interest rates are high? The Pilgrims borrowed $7000 from a London company of 70 investors in 1620, and devoted the next 23 years to repaying it at 43 percent. --L.M. Boyd -------------------------- It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right. -- Jim Fiebig. -------------------------- HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised. You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere. A fortune teller offers to read your face. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you see a pretty girl. The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your wife. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. Your children begin to look middle aged. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. -- Anonymous. -------------------------- Contributed by gc49!egb A clerk in battalion headquarters opened a document, initialed it, and send it on to the commanding officer. It soon reappeared on his desk with this notation: "You were not supposed to see this document. Please erase your initials and initial the erasure." -------------------------- All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American cith in a single year. Not all bits have equal value. -- Carl Sagan -------------------------- Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked: "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second: "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman." -------------------------- The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. -- Eden Phillpots There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know. -- Ambrose Bierce. -------------------------- As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do. -- Andrew Carnegie. -------------------------- Predicted Fads for the 1990's Naming children after money (e.g. Moolah Jones, Eurodollar Schwartz) Pleas of not guilty by reason of demonic possession -- S. Hamm, San Francisco, CA Having your resume' done as a video. -- Pat Cadigan, Overland Park, KS The "Condensed Reader's Digest" -- Richard Hopkins, Mississippi State, MS John Travolta as James Bond -- Thea Kilosseos, Los Angeles, CA Restoring antique home computers -- Clint Everett, San Diego, CA -------------------------- Success comes in cans; failures in cant's. Husband: "Darling, will you love me when I'm old and feeble?" Spouse: "You bet I do" -------------------------- The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased -- what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa." -------------------------- Always try to stop talking before people stop listening. To keep from falling, keep climbing. -------------------------- A contented man is one who enjoys the scenery along the detour. Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something. -------------------------- An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced: "It's a boy - six feet tall and 190 pounds!" -------------------------- There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. -- Alfred Korzybski -------------------------- On his weekly visit to the general store in a small Idaho town, a farmer asked the grizzled proprietor for some dynamite to blast a few stumps from his fields. As the old-timer was getting the dynamite from the shelf, the farmer asked if he could have it put on his bill. "Well, friend," the proprietor said, "have you ever use this stuff before?" "Why no, this will be the first time," the farmer replied. "Then," said the old-timer, "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to pay cash." -- Wayne Salisbury -------------------------- Contributed by: clark!ejh Here are some Soviet-Union Jokes: 3. A Soviet architect was on a trip abroad. A foreign architect invited him to his home. He showed his Soviet guest around the house. "This is the hall," he explained, "and this is the sitting room. This is my study, those are the children's bedrooms, this is the main bedroom, and this is a spare room for visitors. Then there are the kitchen, the dining room, two bathrooms, and a lavatory." "It is a very good arrangement," said the Soviet guest. "What sort of arrangement do you have?" "Much the same, only without the partitions." -------------------------- Science is to see what everyone else has seen but think what no one else has thought. -- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi -------------------------- Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!pur-ee!stocker Little girl: "Mother, are there skyscrapers in heaven?" Mother: "No dear, it takes engineers to build skyscrapers." -------------------------- Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!pur-ee!stocker Pilot to flight engineer: "Where are we?" Flight engineer: "Due to my extensive training in calculus and trigonometry, I have calculated our position to be three miles from infinity." -------------------------- Teacher (warning her students against catching cold): "I had a little brother seven years and one day he took his sled out when it was too cold. He caught pneumonia and three days later he died. Silence for ten seconds Voice from rear: "Where's his sled?" [child later went on to become an engineer] -------------------------- Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!pur-ee!stocker A sweet old lady, always eager to help the needy, spied a particularly sad looking old man [probably an out-of-word engineer] standing on a street corner. She walked over to him, pressed two dollars in his hand and said, "Chin up!" The next day, on the same corner, the sad old man shuffled up to the lady and slipped ten dollars into her hand. "Nice picking," he said in a low voice. "He paid nine to one." *start* 15619 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 5 Mar 92 20:17:23 PST (Thursday) Subject: Life 7.T From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From Jay Leno New York Governor Mario Cuomo says he's still undecided about running for the Presidency. He said deciding to run is a struggle between his heart and his mind. Well....if he has both a heart and a mind....he's way OVERqualified for either party. I spotted a David Duke bumper sticker the other day. It read "If you can read this, you're obviously not a Duke supporter." ---------------------------------------------------- From: prasad@cc.utah.edu (PRASAD B. GHARPURE) A bank manager is getting himself acquainted with his fellow workers In one cabin, he meets a man counting money furiously. The B.M. is impressed and asks him his name. The man replies 'Yim Yonson", without even pausing to stop counting. The B.M. is even more impressed, and asks "My dear man where did you learn to count money like that ?" The man replies "Yale" ---------------------------------------------------- From: prasad@cc.utah.edu (PRASAD B. GHARPURE) You know you live in a small town when : Even a 4 year old can tear the phone book. ---------------------------------------------------- From: al@escom.com (Al Donaldson) Back in the 60s when I used to work as the afternoon DJ at a radio station in Missouri, the morning DJ would steal cigarettes from the pack I left in a drawer next to the board. So one afternoon I loaded up the first couple of smokes in the pack and then tuned in the next morning at 6 AM to listen to Doug read the morning news. Doug: "And in other news, ..." smoke: KA-BANGGGG Doug: "Damn!!" Radio silence for about 15 seconds.. :-) ---------------------------------------------------- From: jones@ipla01.hac.com (Michael Jones) A man is driving through a rural area and stops at a solitary gas station for a fill up. He says to the attendant "Must by nice living out in the country." The man says "Wouldn't know. Lived here in town all my life." Subject: Most confusing day. Q: What is the most confusing day in Beverly Hills? A: Father's day. ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor.funny: From: Josh_Cohen@3mail.3com.com Let's see if I can get this thing to work... Is there a mail group for this stuff? Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens. The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die." ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor.funny: From: nweaver@ocf.berkeley.edu (Nicholas Weaver) Wanted poster in post office in physics land: Wanted $10,000 reward. Scrodinger's Cat. Dead or Alive ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Something from Thomas Lapp A Liberal is a Radical with a wife and a child and a mortgage. -- Everett Dirksen An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last. -- Winston Churchill I've heard that the government wants to put a tax on the mathematically ignorant. Funny, I thought that's what the lottery was! -- Gallagher A man who was late paying bills was sent a note saying, "Your account is long overdue -- It has been on our books over a year. Must remind you, we have now carried you longer than your mother did." ---------------------------------------------------- From: jrl@sei.cmu.edu (John Leary) Subject: Communications Problem (Ontological?) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny --attributed by Washington Technology (a beltway industry paper) to James Schlesinger (a senior DoD Executive) from a recent Washington DC luncheon keynote address; (remarks are paraphrased to some degree): --"In managing the DoD there are many unexpected communications problems: For instance, when the Marines are ordered to "secure a building", they form a landing party and assault it. On the otherhand, the same instructions will lead the Army to occupy the building with a troop of infantry, and the Navy will characteristically respond by sending a yeoman to assure that the building lights are turned out. When the Air Force acts on these instructions, what results is a 'three year lease with option to purchase'." ---------------------------------------------------- From: RIG@posole.dasd.honeywell.com (J. Brian Rigdon) Subject: Some people just don't like Texas Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny OBHistory Lesson. New Mexico was a state with Santa Fe the capitol 10 years before the pilgrims hit Massachusetts. Things haven't improved much in Santa Fe... Texas wasn't even thought of then. Since then, Texans have actually invaded New Mexico with armed parties (got their butts kicked) and have since tried invasion with tourism and real estate tactics. (Keep coming, we want your money!) With that out of the way, here are some jokes. The best thing about texas is that it is the only state which can legally secede from the union. The worst thing about texas is that it hasn't. texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth. Q> What is the difference between a texas beauty and a hereford? A> oh, about 10 lbs. ---------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: bschuck@ais.ucs.sfu.ca (Bruce Schuck -- bschuck@ais.ucs.sfu.ca) Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system. -- P.J. O'Rourke Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991 ---------------------------------------------------- The following are various selections from SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem ---------------------------- Consumer Reports magazine, in the October issue, has a report on "Mail-Order" Companies (Sears, J.C. Penney, L.L. Bean, Eddie Bauer, C.O.M.B., Land's End, Swiss Colony, Carol Wright, Sharper Image, ...), companies that do a large amount of retail sales "by mail." In the article they remark: "When you look at how the orders were placed, it's obvious that "mail order" is an archaic term. Relatively few people order by mail (most order by phone, via toll-free 800 numbers), and few products are delivered by the U.S. Postal Service (90 percent of catalog orders are delivered by United Parcel Service)." ---------------------------- A true storyrelated by Andrew Tannenbaum, and sent to the Tandem Humor DL by John Lemon: "I went in to a restaurant and a waitress told me that today's special was Blackened Bluefish. I asked her if it was battered." ---------------------------- This is NOT another item from Dave Barry's series on Christmas gifts for the brain impaired, but it has a similar flavor if read the right way. At the recent Technology 2001 show in San Jose, California, the Vector Aeromotive Corporation displayed its Vector automobile, a twin-turbocharged V-8 supercar, built using advanced materials and aerospace technology. Claimed to do 0 to 60 mph in 3.5 seconds, with a top speed of 218 mph, you can order yours today ... for $398,000. Orders have been taken for 40 cars. Twelve have been built. A Saudi prince, a Japanese exotic car collector and tennis star Andre Agassi have been among the first buyers. Now here's the quote I liked, from company president Gerald A. Wiegert: "If you're looking for snob appeal or to differentiate yourself from the average car buyer or the average Ferrari or Porsche owner, this is the car." ---------------------------- (I'm not a big Jay Leno fan, but I enjoyed this item, which comes to us via Dorothy Lustig on the Tandem Humor DL:) ========================================================================== In a touching holiday gesture (people always talk about how cruel corporate America can be), Pan Am said that even though they officially went out of business last week -- they will continue to lose luggage through January 1st..... ========================================================================== ---------------------------- A UFO landed and three one-inch tall guys get out. They walked over to me and I said: "Are you really one-inch tall?" They said: "No, we're really very far away!" (Steven Wright) ---------------------------- Christmas season is a time when people often call relatives they haven't called for quite awhile, so the following Steven Wright line seems timely: "I went to a seance to try to reach my grandfather, and then I remembered that he wasn't dead! So I called him on the phone. He said: 'The phone's been ring ing all day ... I don't understand!'" ---------------------------- (This item is from a collection contributed to the Tandem Humor DL by Kevin White, from "Deep Thoughts, with Jack Handey" - Saturday Night Live.) To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. ---------------------------- (From Jay Leno, courtesy of Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:) "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs." ---------------------------- Most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money. ---------------------------- (From a recent NewsWeek magazine:) "Please provide your date of death." A letter from the Internal Revenue Service, addressed to a dead man whose widow filed a return for him in 1991. ---------------------------- (Contributed to the Tandem Humor DL by Jerry Dunham:) Fellow goes to a furniture store to apply for work. When he arrives he sees several others in line ahead of him. So instead of just sitting around waiting his turn, he starts selling furniture. By the time his interview turn came around, he'd sold over $2600 of furniture. He was hired on the spot. ---------------------------- Nancy Davis gleaned this item last month in the ComputerGram newsletter which is distributed within Tandem, and shared it with the Tandem Humor DL. (Thanx, Nancy!) Technology is finally proving itself.... "With the cost of the equipment tumbling, use of videoconferencing is set to soar, and Metropolitan Life Insurance Co. has discovered another benefit in addition to the saving of time and travel costs: because of the built-in delay on the sound, the company told the New York Times, it's difficult for people to interrupt, so they actually have to listen to what the other is saying." ---------------------------------------------------- From: "Peter G. Neumann" Subject: Russian Computer Productivity in AScent in de Scent Exposure Fruit and flower smells [are] good for computer operators Moscow, 13 Jan 1992 (tass), by tass correspondent Lyubov Dunayeva Overloads to computer operators, who have to spend hours before displays every day, can be eased if the air in the room is saturated with the smells of fruit and flowers, psychologists say. Expert experiments [!] have shown that the scent of lemon, jasmine or eucalyptus boosts productivity and alleviates drowsiness. The jasmine smell in a computer room reduces keyboard errors by almost 30 per cent, and lemon aroma by almost 50 per cent, tass was told at a surgery research center of the russian academy of sciences. [Jasmine is clearly more saLyubrious than JazzMax. By the way, those of you who have read Nabakov's paean to programming* language, "Ada , or Ardor", might have noticed, among the many outrageous multilinguini of puns and adagrams, the russoingleski "yellow-blue Vass" (Ya Lyublyu Vas)... That is certainly Ada-ptive use of language! * I have used "programming" gerundively here, not adjectivally. At any rate, I am back from a trip and evidently do not have enough good scents! ... PGN] ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Some top tens collected by Carl Freeman: Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips - November 4, 1987 10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors." 9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail. 8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 7. John Gotti always has the right of way. 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. Top 10 Things Overheard in Olympic Village - September 14, 1988 10. "I'm from the French team. Can I just see what a medal looks like?" 9. "After we get the gold in team handball, we just sit back and wait for the endorsement offers to roll in." 8. "Who would've guessed Morocco's national anthem was 'Sometimes When We Touch'?" 7. "I thought there would be rides." 6. "You want a ticket to the hammer-throw quarter finals? Good luck!" 5. "But officer, I'm the host of the Today Show." 4. "The Hyundai-toss is just an exhibition sport this year." 3. "Isn't that Elvis?" 2. "Official Dishwashing Liquid of the 1988 Seoul Olympics? You're soaking in it!" 1. "Look -- Superman! Now we'll never win a medal." Top 10 Signs That People Are Getting Dumber - November 16, 1988 10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks. 9. Cher cologne. 8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran". 7. Quaylemania! 6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with a picture of Fess Parker inside it. 5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making. 4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins. 3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made. 2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler. 1. I'm still on the air. Top 10 Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon - July 20, 1989 10. Any music for this, Paul? 9. Reminds me of Muncie. 8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph. 7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher? 6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke. 5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication. 4. Man, do I have to take a leak! 3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me? 2. Hey! It's Elvis! 1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt sales. Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989 10. You can't put a street value on fun. 9. Where the hits just keep on comin'! 8. Bored with Beirut? 7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport. 6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting. 5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation. 4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong. 3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation. 2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists! 1. It's like Club Med with car bombs! *start* 15882 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 11 Mar 92 17:22:29 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 7.U From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From: David Olsen Recently in alt.folklore.computers I heard this story from someone who worked for a French company, they had a problem with a program on punched cards written for them by a US subsidiary. The programs never worked when loaded in France but the US systems house swore blind that they did at their end. Eventually, in exasperation, someone followed the working set of cards from the US to France. At French customs, they observed a customs official remove a few cards at random from the deck. Apparently, the french customs are entitled to remove a sample from any bulk item (such as grain), so a few cards from a large consignment shouldn't matter, should it? [ Later posts by Joe Morris and Tom Rauschenback confirmed the story. Mr. Moris said that the company was Oak Ridge National Labs, and the cards contained unclassified data. Mr. Rauschenback said that the story originally came from him. ] - Roger MacNicol (uvmark!roger@merk.com) Then there's a former supervisor who sat down to use a Mac in the office. Put his floppy in. Didn't mount. Put another floppy in. Same problem. Tried three or four times before asking for some help. You guessed it. No floppy drive. All the floppies were just falling into the Mac, where they had to be retrieved later by the guy the supervisor called. They taped up the hole. - Walter Hunt (walter@aimla.com) On a related note, the MicroLab I work in has a weekly problem with our Mac SE's. Some user will fail to notice that there's already a boot disk in one of the two floppy drives, and manage to stuff their disk in there with it. Sigh... Once a week. Not kidding. - Joshua (jsbell@acs.ucalgary.ca) Users do not have monopoly on ignorance. About a year ago, I was in a university computer lab that contained both SPARC Stations and Macintoshes. I was working on a SPARC Station. Some non-computer type came into the lab wanting to use a Macintosh (which he knew how to use). There weren't any Macs available, so the lab monitor told him to use a SPARC Station, claiming they were essentially the same thing. The guy sat down at the SPARC Station, stuck in his disk (the SPARC Stations there had 3 1/2 inch drives), and stared dumbfounded at the login screen for a few minutes not having any idea what to do. I had to get his disk out for him by logging in to the machine and running the eject program, then I sent him back to the lab monitor to demand a Macintosh. - David Olsen (dko@cs.wisc.edu) People who use a mouse for the first time are very puzzled : it's moving too quickly, not acurately enough and there is never enough space on the desk to reach the end of the screen. I even saw once a secretary (yes : Yet Another Woman Narration) having not enough space on her desk continuing dragging the mouse on the wall! It did not happen directly to me but a friend who installed a computer in a factory was once called because "that damm thing was not working any more" and it appear that, as the computer was dirty they cleaned it with a Karcher like other machines they had! (But yes, it was very clean after!). Another that did happend to me and I swear it's true : As a student I was working in the computer shop nearby to make some pocket money. One day came an old man who asked : "I dont know about computers but I'd really like to learn. How do they work?" The vendor don't know where to begin since there is so much to explain and says "Well... the computer is a machine and you speak to it to make it do things, like graphics, games.." The the man bend over the keyboard of the nearest computer, examine it and says "Well?? Well??" and after a minute says to us "Well i'm talking to it and it's not responding"!!! No, it was not somebody who wanted to make a joke. He eventually came back a few times and then bought a computer having learn the very few steps of basic (how to insert a tape and type LOAD then press PLAY). - Philippe Goujard (ppg@oasis.icl.co.uk) There is a story that a few months after the British government decreed that all schools should have a BBC micro, an engineer was called out to one school that had just got a disk drive. They arrived to find a tape cassette jammed in the drive and an eight-year-old standing there saying "I told her not to do it" (of the teacher). - Steve Linton (sl25@ely.cl.cam.ac.uk) HOWEVER, let's be fair about this. I'd also like the 'stupid techie tricks' as well. My own favorite is the time I spent all day training a group of managers how to do advanced dbase programming then had to ask the secretary for help because I couldn't figure out how to use her phone to call my office. Just proves, everybody's stupid in something ... - Jeff Zucker (blz1@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu) A friend who was in field service for Burroughs, and is currently at Unisys, tells of the time he went to do some routine PM at a customer site. As he was getting ready to button up the hardware, he asked the girl who was the operator for the machine in question to queue up the system status report to the printer so he would have it by the time he was ready to leave. The silence -- nothing printing -- was quite noticeable. Seeing that the printer was off line, he asked again if she would run the report. "Oh, yes," came the response, "it'll be printing in a moment. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring." "I beg your pardon?" "I'm waiting for the phone to ring so the report will print." Mildly curious, he inquired what arcane influence the telephone had over the system printer, and piece by piece the story emerged. About 6 months previously, when she was a new hire, the DP manager had asked her to queue up a report. He was going to another building, and for some reason didn't want the thing to print until he got there, so he told her to keep the printer off line so that he could phone her when he was ready. "As soon as the phone rings, press the online button, there, and let 'er rip." This she had duly done, and from that day forward, whenever anyone had called asking for a report, she had taken the printer off line, queued up the report, and waited for the phone to ring. No-one at the customer site realised what she was doing, because whenever anyone would call the machine room to ask where a requested report was, she would say, truthfully, "It's printing right now." - Alan Gilbertson (Albert.Gilbertson@f230.n3603.z1.FIDONET.ORG) ---------------------------------------------------- Got through SPAF: ------------- From: TLS@uvmadmin.bitnet Subject: Programmer's Drinking Song Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Here's a little song that was sent to me from a colleague in Rochester, NY: PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG 100 little bugs in the code, 100 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code..... (Repeat until BUGS = 0) ------------- From: D. W. James From the 27 January New Yorker Magazine, titled "Most Disappointing Correction of the Week", and quoted from Blockbuster Magazine: Trustworthy Olives Dear Editor: In the May issue of your magazine, the article J. P. Faber wrote called "Bring On the Dragons" refers to John Phillip Law having a line which reads: "There is an old proverb I choose to believe: trust an olive, but tie up your camel." I believe that that line is supposed to be: "Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel." ------------- From: Subj: From the U.S. Department of "Whoops": Gimme a Whopper ST. LOUIS (AP) -- Officers were surprised to find Thomas Hall at the back door of the police station. Hall was surprised himself. He thought he was at Burger King. The 38-year-old man was arrested and charged with drunken driving Monday after pulling up to what he thought was the drive-through window and placing an order, authorities said. At the other end of the intercom was a booking clerk. ------------- From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno) Heard on a local radio station: >From the person who dropped a rubber band into his computer and all it will do now is make snap decisions... ------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: QTD politics, n: From the Latin "poly", meaning many, and "tic", meaning little bloodsucking insects. ------------- From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 >From the RISKS Digest... Jean Paul Barrett, a convict serving 33 years for forgery and fraud in the Pima County jail in Tuscon, Arizona, was released on 13Dec91 after receipt of a forged fax ordering his release. It appears that a copy of a legitimate release order was altered to bear HIS name. Apparently no one noticed that the faxed document lacked an originating phone number or that there was no "formal" cover sheet. The "error" was discovered when Barrett failed to show up for a court hearing. The jail releases about 60 people each day, and faxes have become standard procedure. Sheriff's Sergeant Rick Kastigar said "procedures are being changed so the error will not occur again." [Abstracted by PGN from "Fraudulent Fax Gets Forger Freed", an item in the San Francisco Chronicle, 18Dec91, p.A3] ------------- From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno) >From Earthweek column by Steve Newman in _The Atlanta Journal_ Dec 21. An Indian Army camp in the eastern state of West Bengal is plagued by a herd of elephants that regularly breaks in and guzzles the rum supply in the main warehouse. New Delhi's _Statesman_ reported that electric fences, bonfires and railings have been no match for the invaders. The wily animals have learned to hose out the bonfires, and to demolish electrified fences by smashing them with wooden logs grasped in their trunks. Once inside the camp, they break open the bottles of rum, then stagger away once they have had their fill. Forest Department sources say the herd originally strayed into the region from Bhutan in search of food, but instead developed a taste for Army rum. ------------- From: stoll@ocf.berkeley.edu (Cliff Stoll) Subject: non-computer computer viruses Newsgroups: alt.security For example... Ever notice that the second or third time you read a book, you discover all sorts of typos and misprints? The more often you read a book, the more typos you find. These typos are read-errors; mistakes introduced by reading the text. To preserve accuracy, you should purchase a new edition each time you wish to read a book. Most of all, avoid used books, pirated editions, and books from unknown sources. Public libraries are especially dangerous! Library books are read many times, introducing uncounted read-errors. Worse, borrowers (and some unscrupulous authors) can infect books with literary viruses (analogous to computer viruses) which can be transmitted to other readers. You can avoid these problems by only reading from new books, and purchasing fresh shrinkwrapped volumes at your local bookstore. Hardback editions are most resistant to typos and literary viruses; get these whenever possible. A public service message brought to you by a disinterested party -Cliff Stoll ------------- From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: Practice Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU PRACTICE RANDOM KINDNESS AND SENSELESS ACTS OF BEAUTY Reprinted from Glamour magazine, December, 1991. It's a crisp winter day in San Francisco. A woman in a red Honda, Christmas presents piled in the back, drives up to the Bay Bridge tollbooth. "I'm paying for myself, and for the six cars behind me," she says with a smile, handing over seven commuter tickets. One after another, the next six drivers arrive at the tollbooth, dollars in hand, only to be told, "Some lady up ahead already paid your fare. Have a nice day." The woman in the Honda, it turned out, had read something on an index card taped to a friend's refrigerator: "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty." The phrase seemed to leap out at her, and she copied it down. Judy Foreman spotted the same phrase spray-painted on a warehouse wall a hundred miles from her home. When it stayed on her mind for days, she gave up and drove all the way back to copy it down. "I thought it was incredibly beautiful," she said explaning why she's taken to writing it at the bottom of all her letters, "like a message from above." Her husband, Frank, liked the phrase so much that he put it up on the wall for his seventh graders, one of whom was the daughter of a local columnist. The columnist put it in the paper, admitting that though she liked it, she didn't know where it came from [sic] or what it really meant. Two days later, she heard from Anne Herbert. Tall, blonde, and forty, Herbert lives in Marin, one of the country's ten richest counties, where she house-sits, takes odd-jobs, and gets by. It was in a Sausalito restaurant that Herbert jotted the phrase down on a paper place mat, after turning it around in her mind for days. "That's wonderful!" a man sitting nearby said, and copied it down carefully on his own placemat. "Here's the idea," Herbert says. "anything you think there should be more of, do it randomly." Her own fantasies include: (1) breaking into depressing-looking schools to paint the classrooms, (2) leaving hot meals on kitchen tables in the poor parts of town, (3) slipping money into a proud old woman's purse. Says Herbert, "kindness can build on itself as much as violence can." Now the phrase is spreading, on bumper stickers, on walls, at the bottom of letters and business cards. And as it spreads, so does a vision of guerrilla goodness. In Portland, Oregon, a man might plunk a coin into a stranger's meter just in time. In Patterson, New Jersey, a dozen people with pails and mops and tulip bulbs might descend on a run-down house and clean it from top to bottom while the frail elderly owners look on, dazed and smiling. In Chicago, a teenage boy may be shoveling off the driveway when the impulse strikes. What the hell, nobody's looking, he thinks, and shovels the neighbor's driveway, too. It's positive anarchy, disorder, a sweet disturbance. A woman in Boston writes "Merry Christmas!" to the tellers on the back of her checks. A man in St. Louis, whose car has just been rear-ended by a young woman, waves her away, saying, "It's a scratch. Don't Worry." Senseless acts of beauty spread: A man plants daffodils along the roadway, his shirt billowing in the breeze from passing cars. In Seattle, a man appoints himself a one man vigilante sanitation service and roams the concrete hills collecting litter in a supermarket cart. In Atlanta, a man scrubs graffiti from a green park bench. They say you can't smile without cheering yourself up a little -- likewise, you can't commit a random act of kindeness without feeling as if your own troubles have been lightened if only because the world has become a slightly better place. And you can't be a recipient without feeling a shock, a pleasant jolt. If you were one of those rush-hour drivers who found your bridge fare paid, who knows what you might have been inspired to do for someone else later? Wave someone on in the intersection? Smile at a tired clerk? Or something larger, greater? Like all revolutions, guerrilla goodness begins slowly, with a single act. Let it be yours. *start* 15756 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 Mar 92 17:25:11 PST (Monday) Subject: Life 7.V From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From Clayton E. Cramer: We should not be surprised that people that can't balance their own checkbooks, can't balance the national budget. ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor: Get down off your high horse. It's dangerous to ride an animal who's been ingesting controlled substances. ---------------------------------------------------- From: boyajian@ruby.enet.dec.com (The fox so cunning and free) "They say the best things in life are free." "Free!? Hamton, this is the 90's. Take out a loan and buy a clue." ---------------------------------------------------- From: jason@triton.unm.edu (Jason Pelowitz) A wise man hears one word and understands two. - Jewish proverb ---------------------------------------------------- From: Martin A. David A grey Toyota Corolla with the license # 2TSF771 has its lights on...... but if you wait a while they©ll go out by themselves.... ---------------------------------------------------- Rick Overton did his stand-up routine. Here is a sample: Picard: (tugs on tunic and turns to Data) Data, the ships stores do not seem to be able to provide garments that fit properly. Could you investigate this and find a solution. Data: Aye, sir. Perhaps there is some useful information in my historical records. Accessing. (some milliseconds later) I have found a reference to a device called a Singer. It was used to join segments of textiles with a mechanical needle and thread. I believe this device can be used to make properly fitted garments. Picard: Excellent, Mr. Data. Make it sew! ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor.funny: From: ianb@ocf.berkeley.edu (Ian Barkley) Subject: A Thought ...And I overheard Descartes say "I think, therefore I am. I'm still trying to explain politicians, though..." *************** From: mem@mv.mv.com (Mark E. Mallett) Subject: Bush loses to bingo [ You may not find this amusing, but I thought it was a stitch: ] Tonight CNN showed a clip of George Bush paying a surprise visit to a Bingo game in Georgia. As the President went handshaking among the crowd of mostly elderly ladies, you could clearly hear in the background that the caller was still calling out Bingo numbers. [ I wonder how many write-in votes there will be for O-62? ] -mm- -- Mark E. Mallett MV Communications, Inc./ PO Box 4963/ Manchester NH/ 03108 *************** From: hsc@honet6.att.com (Harvey S Cohen) Subject: Democratic T-shirt Latest T-shirt message: "My President went around the world, and all I got was this lousy recession!" (adapted from a shirt sold by the Democratic National Committee) *************** Subject: Ted Kennedy getting married From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu >From Rush Limbaugh: "Actually, Ted Kennedy and his fiance were engaged ten years ago, but the bachelor party just ended last week." ---------------------------------------------------- From: Marty Sanders To: Money:all areas THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, 2/5/92. FROM A "HEARD ON THE STREET" ARTICLE ENTITLED "RESTRUCTURING PLAYS PAY OFF NICELY". A QUOTE FROM DONALD MITCHELL OF MITCHELL AND CO. WESTON MASS. ON RECENT PRICE JUMP IN XEROX STOCK. "PEOPLE ARE SAYING THEY'RE (XEROX) NOT THE OLD SHOOT-THEMSELVES-IN-THE-FOOT COMPANY ANYMORE". ---------------------------------------------------- From: Ann Sellgren I hope this poetry isn't too intelectual!! Spellbound I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please too no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew. ---------------------------------------------------- Came through SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem:com Here's an uplifting thought for you to start the week, contributed by Scott Gellerman: May 19, 1991 DOGGED APPROACH TO WHAT'S IMPORTANT In a two-day period in New York City recently, a homeless man, a train maintenance worker, and a dog were killed on the subway tracks. Ninety people telephoned the Transit Authority to express concern about the dog, but only three called about the worker and no one about the homeless man. *************** Subject: TFD #121: Dave Barry on Pyramids When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely TERRIFIC idea ... It wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they had been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by that time, Oog was in the Bahamas. *************** Subject: TFD #123: Dave Barry on Paneling The easiest way to install paneling is to simply lean it up against the walls around the room. This way, you can remove it quickly and hide it in the garage when tasteful visitors come to call. *************** Subject: TFD #130: In case you cease to be dead ... (From a recent "Newsweek" magazine:) "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department of Social Services *************** Subject: TFD #134: Entertaining Headlines These entertaining headlines were gleaned from Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, and forwarded by Dorothy Lustig to the Tandem Humor DL: ALL BEEF CHICKEN PATTIES $1.59 lb. DINNER THEATER WILL FEATURE SEASONED ACTORS FREE GLOW IN THE DARK SUNGLASSES ---------------------------------------------------- From: John A. McNelly:sd:xerox [SD Union-Tribune, Page D-1, Feb 6, 1992] And now -- don't sue us! -- for a few laywer jokes *************** If you can't fight 'em, at least you can laugh about 'em. The following laywer jokes are are provided by "Nolo News," a quarterly publication for lawyers, and other local wiseguys. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? Only one in 2 million ever does anything worthwhile. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish. What's the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. ---------------------------------------------------- From: George L. Eldridge:El Segundo:Xerox re: "If you buy it, you will be participating in what may be the most wide reaching beta test in the history of computing." I am sorry but Microsoft Windows already owns that record. George ---------------------------------------------------- from Sarah Elkins "If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable." -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" *************** "People don't hate transplanted New Yorkers because they're from New York. They hate them because they didn't stay in New York." *************** Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Ah, look at all the lonely users... Ah, look at all the lonely users... Our system admins tear out their hair and they swear and some really do care but cannot help us look at us working spending our lives with hard drives 'til our eyes start to go what does it show? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? - Sarah Elkins and Jim Maryniak ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: From Risks, who said it was hard to cheat an honest man Date: Sat, 22 Feb 1992 12:54:43 GMT From: weberwu@inf.fu-berlin.de (Debora Weber-Wulff) Subject: Italian crooks let others pay phone bill [Translated by DWW from the Berlin daily Newspaper "Tagespiegel", 22 Feb 1992] lui, Rome, 21. February 1992. [...] Half a million Italians are the proud owners of portable telephones. The cordless appliance has become the favorite toy of the Southerners, but the game may soon be over: the "telefonini" are not protected. Under the motto "Buy one, pay for two", crooks sell manipulated phones that are used so that the buyer has to pay for the toll calls of the seller. The trick works like this: the crooks take a computer with a computing program [whatever that is ;-) dww] like the ones uses to crack automatic teller machines, and fuss with it until they find the secret code for the telephone. The code is a combination of the telephone number and the serial number that is supposed to only be available to the telephone company SIP. When the code has been cracked, it is no problem to transfer it to a second telephone, so that both telephones have the same license number. One phone is sold "under the hand" by the crooks. As an added deal, the buyer not only gets to pay his own phone bill, but the fees run up on the second phone as well. The Italian underworld is especially keen on using this method.[...] The mafia uses the "portabili" for conducting their unclean business. [... The police] have not been able to find the instigators, but they suspect that employees of the telephone manufacturing company are involved, as they have the knowledge of how the phones are constructed. [...] The portable telephone is well-known for the ease of tapping the telephone conversations [which cannot, however, be traced to the place of origin. A book calle "Italy, I hear you calling" with some of the more interesting tapped conversations has just been published.] [Why is such a telephone easy to crack and easy to reprogram? dww] Debora Weber-Wulff, Institut fuer Informatik, Nestorstr. 8-9, D-W-1000 Berlin 31 +49 30 89691 124 dww@inf.fu-berlin.de ---------------------------------------------------- From Robert Cherry:Roch817 This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true: A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?". The student wrote "This.", signed it, and turned it in. I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A. *************** A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about 2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with a terrific noise in the background shouted: Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?" VP: "That's right." Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to Greece? Or will you waive the policy?" The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "... can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils." ---------------------------------------------------- From one of the automatic mail response programs: This is a recording. Spaf just got back from a trip, and his mailbox is stuffed to overflowing. Thus, your message to him entitled "Thanks for the congradulations" has been received, but it may be a while before he can respond. Try to be patient. In the meantime, if you can't wait and are writing: About Contact instead ----- --------------- Usenet news @ Purdue usenet@cs.purdue.edu (Dan Trinkle) Usenet in general tale@cs.rpi.edu (David Lawrence) problems with spaf's mailer postmaster@cs.purdue.edu (Dan Trinkle) "Practical UNIX Security" simsong@mit.edu (Simson Garfinkel) Major security problems cert@cert.sei.cmu.edu (the "White Hats") The COPS package zen@death.corp.sun.com (Dan Farmer) If you are writing to offer large sums of money, chocolate, fast cars, or other trinkets and amusements, you can contact him directly by phone: 317-494-7825 (fax: 317-494-0739). If you are seeking to serve a subpoena, you've got the wrong address, wrong guy, wrong network. So sorry. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Janna.Chang@eng.sun [Forwarded from Hal Abelson at MIT] I see (from reading this august list) that Sun has chosen the name "Solaris" for their new opeating system. In Stanislaw Lem's novel of the same name, Solaris was an alien planet/intelligence that human explorers found to be utterly incomprehensible and psychologically devastating. Encounters with Solaris drove them to madness and death. I'm glad that someone at Sun is finally getting it right. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: More quotes (& some .sig material) From: forda@gtephx.UUCP (Andrew Ford @ AGCS, Phoenix, Arizona) *************** You must believe in free-will; there is no choice. Isaac Singer *************** Truth is. Belief is not required. -- Gerry Roston *************** "The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subjected people to carry arms, history shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subjected peoples to carry arms have prepared their own fall" -Adolph Hitler, Edict of March 18, 1938. *************** "Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined." -Patrick Henry *************** "Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!" -- Patrick Henry *************** "Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself. They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone under independence...From the hour the Pilgrims landed, to the present day, events, occurances, and tendencies prove that to insure peace, security, and happiness, the rifle and pistol are equally indispensable. Every corner of this land knows firearms, and more than 99 99/100 percent of them by their silence indicate they are in safe and sane hands. The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that's good. WHEN FIREARMS GO, ALL GOES - we need them every hour." --- George Washington, 2nd Session of 1st Congress ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 15693 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Apr 92 13:24:40 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.1 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Sarak Elkins sifted out of rec.humor: ********** From ss1@kepler.unh.edu Truth is funnier than fiction: About two weeks ago, a friend of mine and I were eating lunch in the dining hall. Grilled cheese. Oh boy. Well, you know how with every batch of food, there is always a bad serving? My friend got it. It was a liiiiiittle tiiiiny thing about 3/4 the size of the other sandwiches, and a muddy brown color. Overcooked. The cheese that had oozed out of the corners had hardened to the point where you could hold it in the air by the cheese itself. He tried to bite into it, but couldn't. Bread was solid, and the cheese impenetrable. So.... ...he took a napkin and a pencil, and wrote, "What the heck is this?".... ...then wrapped the sandwich up and put it in the suggestion box! -- Got his point across, I guess. ********** From: fulton@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Ben Fulton) Subject: Re: Useful Latin Phrases il@bambam.u.washington.edu (Il Hwan Oh) writes: >> >semper ubi sub ubi >> >Always wear underwear. >> vino ergo sum >> I drink, therefore I am. >I thought that "dipso ergo sum" was "I drink, therefore I am". for mathematicians: cogito, ergo am I think, therefore I sum ********** From: jperry@oahu.cs.ucla.edu (John Perry) A message from the Anybody But Bush campaign: Saddam Hussein still has a job. Do you? ********** From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young) THOSE "M" WORDS: MACADAM - first man born in Scotland. MAYHEM - indecision as to spring skirt length. MOOCH - sound made by a begging cow. MANDRILL - country-western singing monkey. M - single chocolate candy eaten at a Fritz Lang film. MU - sound made by a greek kitten. MESH - the tangled web we weave when we drink too much. MIDRIFF - improvised jazz solo within a song. MINUSCULE - kindergarten METRONOME - Alaska's on-time subway system MINUTE MAN - Tom Thumb. MUMBO JUMBO - ritual elephant worship. MUSICAL CHAIRS - rockers. MUMMER - dead Egyptian actor. METALLURGY - jewelry rash. MALEFACTOR - Y chromosome. MINUET - a 60-second dance. MARTINET - a rigid line judge ********** From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young) Sequels: 1. NOW GO STAND BY SOMEONE ELSE 2. LES MISERABLES - HAPPY AT LAST 3. MADAME XI 7. THE HOUSE OF SEVEN GABLES GETS ALUMINUM SIDING 9. THE DUPLICATE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI 10. I FORGOT WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS 11. HAMLET II: THE SURVIVORS 13. HARVEY TAKES A WIFE 14. ROMEO AND JULIET II: THE ANTIDOTE 17. THIS SON OF A GUN FOR HIRE 20. RICHARD III: BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN 21. THE SECOND WINDS OF WAR 22. ANYTHING WENT 25. THE IRS RECOUNT OF THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO 28. A PARTING SHOT IN THE DARK 32. RETURN OF THE LETTER 33. NEVER CRY FOX, EITHER 37. THE RECALL OF THE WILD 39. KITTENS 42. NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, AGAIN 43. AFTERBIRTH OF A NATION 47. REPAINT YOUR WAGON 48. JONATHAN LIVINGSTONE SEQUEL 50. GRANDCHILDREN OF THE DAMNED 59. THE SCRET OF THE SUCCESS OF "THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS" ********** Frank reid@ucs.indiana.edu What classic fallacy of logic is contained in the following? -- All trees have bark. All dogs bark. Therefore, all dogs are trees. The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree. ********** From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young) DESCRIBTION OF PERSONS WITH NAMES ALTERED BY ONE LETTER: LITTLE BOA PEEP - shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own flock. PERRY MASSON - television lawyer who will solve no case before its time. EVICTOR HUGO - French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables" XEROXES - Persian photocopy king. ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Alan Nicoll sifted out of rec.humor: ********** A very intelligent turtle Found UNIX programming a hurdle. The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. ------------------- I once heard about a Luthern couple who were on vacation and ended up in the very town mentioned above. They sent a post card back to their minister, saying that they had been to Hell and everyone there was Lutheren. ********** "The price of liberty is, always has been, and always will be blood: the person who is not willing to die for his liberty has already lost it to the first scoundrel who is willing to risk dying to violate that person's liberty. Are you free?" by Andrew Ford -- INTERNET: gtephx!forda@asuvax.eas.asu.edu ********** My favorite Lincoln joke was one that I find apt for a certain number of situations: There was a joke going around during the Civil War that when an aide said to Lincoln concerning US Grant: "Sir! The man drinks!" -- Lincoln replied: "Figure out what kind of whiskey he drinks and send a barrel to all of my generals." When asked if he had made this joke, Lincoln replied: "No, but I wish I had." ********** I have a friend whose brother found an interesting way to drive off Jehovah's Witnesses. He opened the door without a shirt, knife in hand, and an upside down pentagram on his chest in her red lipstick. When the thumper asked if his mother was home, he went out the back door( it was a straight hallway to the back yard), jumped up and down on the ground a bit, listened, and came back. He then told the guy, "she's sleeping". Needless to say, they never had any problems with Witnesses again. ********** Interviewer: What do you think about the criticism you've been getting from the White House? Buchanan: Well, I heard Dan Quayle said I wasn't qualified to be President. How would HE know? ********** Nice pick up lines Your father must be a thief, he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute, I want to remember your face for my dreams ********** So this is the 23 century, and the world has gone a long and painful road towards unification. Now of all the countries, continents and doctrines there is a big, multicultural comunity. Communism is now the entire world's doctrine. There is a central power, and a world President is elected every 10 years. There are no wars, no racism, no violence. But there is one thing, and so it happens that the economy is in its worst recession in the history of humankind. The world economy is stuck, and the economists find themselves in a dead end, not having any idea on how the get out of the horrible situation. The system adopted for centuries has been the comunism, and when a group of scientists announce that they have discovered a way of bringing dead people back to life, there was just one word on everybody's mind: "Marx!!" So the corpse is found, and Karl Marx comes back from the dead. After all the shock of being brought to the world again, Marx seems very pleased to learn that the whole world has gone comunist; and gets to work in order to solve the problems that affect the economy. He reads boooks, talks to people, travels, discusses with the world leaders; and ultimately locks himself in his library, thinking. After a lot of thinking, Marx announces a date and time in which he will talk to the whole world. Expectations arise, celebrations and parties are arranged for after the leader will have given the solutions; there hope in everybody's heart. Communism had been a good choice after all, God bless Marx, that's waht people are thinking. So the day comes, and at the expected time the entire world population is stuck in front od the TV, waiting. Marx appears on the screens of all the TV sets of the earth. He scrachts his head, seems confused. Everybody waiting, everybody expecting, not a sound in anybody's house, the leader is going to speak. Marx holds the microphone, and shedding a tear says: - Comrades... FORGIVE ME !!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- The good stuff Robert Coleman pulled off rec.humor: ********** The passenger of the bus was stopping a Woman that just was going off: -"Ma'm, you forgot this box." -"It doesn't matter. It's my husbands lunch, and he works for this company at the department of Lost&Found." ********** Wasn't it in Sweden that someone robbed a bank and got away with some $10'000 ? I heard the police are still looking for the motive. ---------------------------------------------------- The good stuff Jim Davidson pulled off rec.humor: ********** An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me. Ambrose Bierce ********** I was on a trip to Wash DC and riding on a bus. The bus was very crowded and several 40ish women got on. Being polite, I offered one of the women my seat, and she gave me a peeved look and said no thanks. I then went on two offer my seat to a couple of the other women, and I received the same response. My thought was that they all must be a bunch of women's-libbing sour pusses. Finally it was getting close to my stop, and the bus was really crowded so I got up and started making my way to the door. When I was close to the door I looked back at my seat only to find a large sign over the seat that read: "Seat reserved for the elderly and disabled." After getting over the initial embassesment, I laughed for about 3 hours. Lance ********** The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizzard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfil your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tounge. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line -- "You've got a donkey?" The guy turned the same line green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word. ********** Has anybody heard about the new joint venture going on in Australia? Coke is working on developing a new boomerang shaped bottle. If this experiment works, Coke official say they will have the world's first self returnable bottle. (snicker, snicker, snicker...) * Origin: Dark Knight's Table: 612-938-8924 HST V32bis V42bis (1:282/31) ********** It's time someone printed up: MY OTHER STICKER IS FUNNY as a bumper sticker ********** you can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes. the difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why. ********** Nntp-Posting-Host: eniac.seas.upenn.edu A Cuban, A Russian and an American die, and all three meet at Heaven's door at the same time. The Cuban says: - I'm dead! And it's wonderful! I'm finally in heaven! It's over: I won't have to get in line in order to buy meat anymore!!! The American says: - Get in line?? What's that??? The Russian says: - MEAT? ... What's that??? ********** In article <1992Mar24.172520.18511@newshub.ccs.yorku.ca> tony@nexus.yorku.ca (Tony Wallis) writes: >Simon Travaglia tell us about >> .. the good old days .. Real Students took Science .. ..the >> lab notes are almost totally in greek with lots of subscripts and >> superscripts and things. .. It used to be that your average Biology >> student would dissect a frog with his/her Swiss Army Knife .. Real >> students didn't use desktop calculators .. Real students KNEW Pi to a >> thousand decimal places and can do 6 figure multiplication in their >> heads WITHOUT MOVING THEIR LIPS! .. Real students never handed in >> assignments. Why bother, the coursework/exam ratio was 50/50, so all >> they needed was 100% in the exam. .. etc. etc. > >\accent{yorkshire} >Luxury ! Why, when I were lad at university, we would get up at 2:30 >in morning for four hours of chapel, eat week-old cold porridge for >breakfast, and attend seven hours of classes and eight hours of labs >before lunch. Lectures were delivered in Etruscan or Tocharian C. We >had to make our own paper and quill pens. And, we used our own blood >for ink ! Afternoons we worked down local mines to pay for tuition. In >evening graduate students would thrash us within an inch of our lives. >etc. etc. > You were lucky!!! I had to get up 4 hours before I went to bed. We didn't even get week-old porridge.Porridge was a luxury. And then at night my dad used to kill me and dance up and down on my grave.Well,I say grave-it was just a hole in the ground ********** Yes, this really happened, and it really happened to me. As a Software Engineer for Eastman Kodak Company I have been considering purchasing a C compiler for my home computer. I read BYTE, and I see the adds, but I wasn't really ready to buy. A couple of days ago I was walking in the local Mall, and noticed a store which sells software. Mostly, they had games there, but there were some word processing and tax preparation packages. I figured I would ask about the cost of C compilers, just to find out what the "non-mail order" price was. The clerk looked like he was a senior in High School. Me: "Pardon me, but do you have any C compilers?" Clerk: "No, but we have `Sea Commander', and `Sea Destroyer'." As I walked away in disgust, I wondered how a person with an education like that could work in such a position. (That is: how did he get the job, and how did he manage to hold it?) However, the story clearly demonstrates just how subjective hearing is. After all, to me "Sea Destroyer" sounded like a REALLY nasty computer virus. P.S. BTW, they DO sell C compilers!! The clerk just wasn't very Csoned. (uggh!) ---------------------------------------------------- And Michael Rutkaus' siftings: ********** I hope the tree puns end here...i'd get sycamore. End it right here, its oak-ay with me. I don't know about yew, but I hope that's the last tree pun I cedar. (It's just not my cup of teak...) ********** What is it? The man who built it didn't want it. The man who bought it couldn't use it. The man who used it didn't know it. What was it? A coffin, silly! ---------------------------------------------------- And Kent Williams' siftings: ********** Ok. What do you call three blondes in a Volkswagon. FARFROMTHINKEN ********** >FUN THING TO DO: - call the persons listed above and below you in the phone book. Introduce yourself. Tell them youre just being neighborly and if they ever need anything dont hesitate to call. - Call Hertz and request to reserve a black Lincoln with out of state plates, dark tinted bullet proof windows and the off road suspension package. ********** Kirk: Let's blow it up Picard: Let's talk to it. Kirk: Let's go down there and kill it. Picard: Let's have a conference ********** "No matter how warm or cold it is inside, it is always room temperature." "I lost a button hole the other day." --Steven Wright ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 13284 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 13 Apr 92 16:18:11 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.2 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From robkp@microsoft.com WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef ************************** "A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged." -- Frank Rizzo "A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested." -- Tom Wolfe "A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students." -- John Cairdi ************************** Disclaimer: These are from David Letterman... Date: Tue Feb 11 09:49:29 PDT 1992 TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR BANK IS FAILING 10. Free handful of Chee*tos with every new account. 9. They hand out calendars one month at a time. 8. The security guard offers to walk you back to your office for five bucks. 7. You overhear branch manager muttering to himself, "I wonder if you can eat squirrel?" 6. Free giveaway toaster is made by G.E. 5. Automatic teller machine replaced by fat guy with open carton of twenties. 4. You glimpse inside the vault and notice it's stacked with empty soda bottles. 3. When you deposit cash, a bank officer runs over, sticks it in his pocket, and dances around yelling, "Lordy, lordy! We're having biscuits tonight!" 2. You recognize some of the tellers as carnival people. 1. They can't change a twenty. ************************** From: Joseph Harper This first item comes from MicroSoftie GarrettJ: Waco, Texas: A man held up a Circle K store on Nov. 29 after first diverting the clerk's attention by putting a $20 bill on the counter and asking for change. When the register was opened, the robber pulled out a gun and demanded the entire contents of the cash register. The clerk put everything in a bag and handed it to the robber - all $15. The robber then fled... ...leaving the $20 bill on the counter. ************************** From: Joseph Harper This first item comes from MicroSoftie RobWil: Ames, Iowa: A one-legged man stole a three-legged dog, police said. In addition to the black Labrador, the burglar Sunday also took a hamster, a checkbook and some cash from Nikkel & Associates, an electrical contracting business, police said. The man then stole a pickup truck after the break-in and witnesses identified him by name. Police Sgt. Craig Reid said police are familiar with the suspect, who wears a prosthesis. ************************** This next item comes from MicroSoftie EdH: Honolulu, Hawaii: A fan club in Hawaii recently petitioned to have the name of the island of Maui officially changed to "Gilligan's Island." An official replied, saying the chances of such happening was "zero to less than zero." ************************** This next item comes from MicroSoftie RobkP: Los Angles, California: After draining excess fuel from the flooded engine of his 1946 aircraft, Douglas Youngs reached into the cockpit and started the engine. But he had forgotten to close the throttle and the plane took off without him. The errant aircraft was eventually found 65 miles away, perched in an 85 foot tree. Youngs thinks he can repair the plane, just as soon as he figures out how to get it down from the tree. ************************** This next item also comes by way of MicroSoftie EdH: Here's a story related by a speaker at the recent aviation seminar in Tacoma. The speaker recalled an incident at one of California's major airports. A PSA jet was taxiing out behind a Delta. It was very busy, and a long line of jets was lined up for departure. PSA, Delta, and Ground Control had a conversation that went something like: PSA: "Ground Control [GC], could you ask the Delta ahead of me to come up on (radio frequency) 1xx.35?" [a pause followed] Delta: "GC, please inform PSA that we at Delta are professionals; we do not use unauthorized frequencies." [Another pause followed by:] PSA: "GC, now for all listening to this frequency and for the FAA tapes -- would you please inform Delta that their very professional gear pins are still in place?" [A much longer silence (actually I imagine a lot of folks laughing too hard to talk except in the Delta Cabin)] Delta: "GC, Delta Flight xxx requests taxi back to the gate." ************************** From: Joseph Harper This first item comes from Washington State U.s Denise Blus: Fort Lauderdale, Florida: A woman who set up a 900 number, Dial-A-Friend, is hanging it up after logging only one call in three months and that from a man who wanted to know the operator's measurements. "It makes you wonder: Is there a normal person out there to begin with?" said Lorain Blum, who had expected people would be willing to pay $2.99-a-minute for social service referrals and a friendly listener. Blum spend $8,000 setting up the line and advertising on radio, cable television and in singles' magazines. Dial-A-Friend's sole customer brought in $23.92 she said. Social service information is free from Broward County's Community Service Council. ************************** Moffett Field, California: Pioneer 10, built to last 21 months, marks its 20th year in space today as it skirts the fringe of the solar system. NASA's sturdy 570-pound probe is the most distant human-made object, at 5 billion miles from Earth. Built to last long enough to explore Jupiter, it now travels at 29,000 miles per hour in a search for the outer reaches of the sun's influence. "I'm in awe that not only are we still able to communicate with it, but we're able to control it," says project manager Richard Fimmel of the Ames Research Center at Moffett Field. Eight of Pioneer's 12 instrument still work. Its radio signal -- 8 watts, or the power of a night light -- takes 7.5 hours to reach the Deep Space Network run by NASA. Managers hope Pioneer's small nuclear power pack will last until the year 2000. Pioneer carries greetings for other civilizations on the famous gold-anodized plaque of a naked man and woman, a controversial addition at the time of launch. Scientists expect the sun to blow up in a supernova 5 billion years from now, destroying the solar system. But, says Fimmel, "Pioneer 10 in all likelihood will still be zipping around. It's going to outlast Earth." ************************** Los Angeles, California: A man dialed 911 to tell police he'd climbed into a liquor store by cutting a hole in a roof but couldn't find a way to get out. "When they got there, they could see him sitting on the floor by the front counter, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer," said a police spokesman. Robert William Laughton, 23, was arrested and held on $5,000 bond. ************************** Toronto, Canada: Archbisop George Cram enjoys a banana once in a while, but he's not the kind of primate that ape researchers had in mind. The University of Wisconsin's Regional Primate Research Center sent Cram, primate (senior archbishop) of the Anglican Church of Canada, a questionnaire while preparing an international directory of primatology. The envelope was addressed to "George Cram, Primates World Relief and Development Fund." The Reverend Michael Ingham, secretary for the senior archbishop, suggested in a letter of reply that "primates in your study are perhaps of a different species." "While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or scratch himself publicly under the armpits," Ingham said. "There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world," he said. "They are all males, of course, but so far we have had no problems of reproduction." The research center's director, John Hearn, promised to strike the church from a computer database and added in a letter to Ingham; "In our zeal to develop a comprehensive directory, we have strayed on this occasion from the arboreal to the spiritual." ************************** >From johnjar Tue Dec 3 15:22:35 1991 BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS ========================== COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III --------------------- --------------------- -------------------- 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT. -author unknown ************************** [For you non-Microsofties -- We have reviews every 6months where we write about ourselves, and our managers write about us.] REVIEW TERMS says: 'Maintains a high degree of participation.' means: 'Comes to work on time.' says: 'Excels in the effective application of skills.' means: 'Makes a good cup of coffee.' says: 'Displays excellent intuitive judgement.' means: 'Knows when to disappear.' says: 'Displays great dexterity and agility.' means: 'Dodges and evades superiors well.' says: 'Demonstrates imaginative leadership.' means: 'Imagines self to be Ivan the Terrible.' says: 'Inspires the cooperation of others.' means: 'Gets everyone else to do the work.' says: 'Excels in sustaining concentration while avoiding confrontations.' means: 'Ignores everyone.' says: 'Is willing to take calculated risks.' means: 'Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.' says: 'Identifies major management problems.' means: 'Complains a lot.' says: 'Keeps well informed on business, political and social issues.' means: 'Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.' says: 'Is exceptionally well informed.' means: 'Knows where all the skeletons are kept.' says: 'Delegates responsibility effectively.' means: 'Passes the buck well.' says: 'Accepts new job assignments willingly.' means: 'Never finishes a job.' says: 'Optimizes the use of available resources.' means: 'Conserves supplies and funds by never doing anything.' ************************** From: Terry Zmrhal Subject: FW: Top Ten Rejected Slogans... Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the IBM/Apple Joint Venture: 10. What we lack in talent, we make up in size. 9. Middle-aged white men in suits. 8. Mediocrity is us. 7. The power to be our best and sue the rest. 6. He ain't heavy, he's my brother. 5. Why 1984 won't be "1984": it'll be 1992. 4. Making it all make money. 3. We don't like you, Bill. 2. Ours isn't Micro and our isn't Soft. 1. Setting a new standard in vaporware. ************************** Top Ten New Macintosh Verbs 10. To sculley (grossly overpay) 9. to jobs (distort reality) 8. To gates (hoard) 7. To boston expo (sweat like a pig) 6. To ibm (bore) 5. To upgrade (waste away more money) 4. To network (waste away time and money) 3. To apple (litigate) 2. To macweek (fabricate) 1. To bmug (not have a life) Top Ten Favorite Mac Products of Pee-Wee Herman 10. Aldus Free-hand 9. Berkeley Systems' After Dark 8. Quark X-hibitionist 7. Broderbund's Pix Not for Kids 6. Paracomp's Shrivel 3D 5. Advanced Software's Intouch 4. Any Big screen monitor in Sarasota, Florida 3. MacPEEK Magazine 2. CE Software's QuickBail 1. The not-released-soon-enough Apple Laptop ************************** In honor of the new Windows Flag above the corporate campus: The National Anthem of Windows Nation OLE can you C, by the fonts of TrueType, What so proudly we mailed to our users upgrading? Whose class libs and tool bars, through the marketing hype, Four meg RAM cards they'd bought, final beta awaiting. And the testers declare, fix the bugs on the share, Codeview'd every byte of our way cool software. Oh, say does that user friendly icon yet wave O'er the land of the GUI, and the Windows of the brave. copyright (c) 1992, Bogus Music lyrics, deanb inspiration, stevesh *start* 16999 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 20 Apr 92 15:42:42 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.3 From: Cate3 To: cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From SPAF's collection (spaf@cs.purdue.edu) Gene Spafford ************************** From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer) Subject: Heard from an IBMer Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Q: What is an optimist? A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts. ************************** From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross) Subject: The British plug in >From the SJ Merc News 2/2/92 Britain has just announced that makers of electrical appliances in that country must begin attaching plugs to the ends of electrical cords. Britons, for we don't know how long, have been required to buy plugs and attach them to their new toasters, irons and electrical what have yous. But now the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, citing its research into the matter, says it was surprised to learn that "it is common practice everywhere else in the world to sell electrical goods with a plug attached." ************************** From: Patty Winter Subject: bumper sticker of the week On a car at Apple: Picard/Riker '92 [Yes!! By far better than any of the current candidates. Can anybody out there in Granola land find any campaign buttons? :-) --spaf] ************************** From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu Subject: You know you're old when... You know you're old when you have owned an album for 3 or more decades in 4 different formats. In 1978, I bought an 8-track tape. Yes, an 8-track tape. In 1983, I bought a cassette tape. In 1987, I bought vinyl. Yesterday, I bought a CD. [Depends on the album. If it's the Chipmunk's Greatest Hits, or Lawrence Welk plays the Beatles, you have more of a problem than just age. --spaf] ************************** From: patb@tcom.stc.co.uk (Patrick Brosnan) Subject: Apartment for summer sublet Newsgroups: rec.travel,misc.misc,news.misc,tor.general,alt.alien.visitors,tor.news,soc.college.gradinfo,ut.dcs.gradnews In article <92Feb20.111306est.8702@orasis.vis.toronto.edu> eyal@vis.toronto.edu writes: >********** APARTMENT FOR SUMMER SUBLET ********** What's this doing in "alt.alien.visitors" ? Perhaps you want to give the aliens a little summer vacation from what is probably a very Spartan system of underground tunnels ? Sorry. Couldn't resist. ************************** From: Andy Wilcox Subject: Tales of Unachieved Grandeur A few weeks ago, the U of Florida had their annual student run engineers fair. This is your usual run-o-the mill pretty well produced student expo. Lots of the engineering societies have exhibits displaying their research, and several corporations are also invited to do the same. The booth of the Aero department had a very sleek looking human powered sub on display. I presume this was UF's entry into the competition each year off the coast of Florida, which was featured on some pop-science program (Nova?) last year. On careful inspection of the craft, I noted that something was written on it near the drivers hatch. It had been sanded over in an attempt to remove it. Looking carefully, it said: "A job, a wife, 3 years and 5 grades, and it still never worked." -signature garbled ************************** From: Terry Zmrhal Subject: FW: Top Ten Rejected Slogans... Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the IBM/Apple Joint Venture: 10. What we lack in talent, we make up in size. 9. Middle-aged white men in suits. 8. Mediocrity is us. 7. The power to be our best and sue the rest. 6. He ain't heavy, he's my brother. 5. Why 1984 won't be "1984": it'll be 1992. 4. Making it all make money. 3. We don't like you, Bill. 2. Ours isn't Micro and our isn't Soft. 1. Setting a new standard in vaporware. ************************** From: Joe Wiggins Subject: More Bizarre News A burglar, baby-sitting his 4-year-old daughter during a heist, broke into a house in Newark, N.J., in October, stole some things, then left in a hurry without the daughter. In August at the annual Cortland, N.Y., 200-rider demonstration against the state's mandatory motorcycle helmet law, five protestors were thrown from their bikes, lacerated, and suffered head injuries when a tire blew out on one cycle. All five were cited for failure to wear helmets. Suspected purse-snatcher Dereese Delon Waddell in suburban Minneapolis last winter stood on a police lineup so the 76-year-old female victim could have a look at him. When the police told him to put his baseball cap on his head with the bill facing out, so as to be presentable, he protested, "No (I'm going to) put it on backwards. That's the way I had it on when I took the purse." John Riley, until August the head of the Minnesota Department of Transporta- tion admitted in September that he had been driving without a Minnesota driver's license all year. He said he didn't have time to get one, but there was a licensing office downstairs in the building where he worked. In September, Riley became chief of staff to the governor. ************************** From: bhahn@oldno7.sw.stratus.com (Bill Hahn) Subject: Our chief export >From today's (Thursday) Boston Globe: "America's chief export is intellectual activity." -Robert Fitzpatrick President, Euro Disney pictured in front of the new Disneyland in France.... ************************** From: Mark Bartelt Subject: overly clever failsafe system The following appeared in my mailbox. (Don't know the name of the person who originally sent it; I was at the end of a moderate-sized forwarding chain.) On Peter Ross's ABC-TV arts show on Sunday Afternoon, the avant garde composer John Cage was featured performing his 4'33". It consists of the performer(s), armed with a stopwatch, sitting silently on stage for four minutes 33 seconds, with the music consisting of whatever noises come from the audience or outside the auditorium. The TV performance went well, but the ABC was caught out by technology - a fail-safe device turns off studio transmission if there's more than 90 seconds of silence, and puts up a test pattern. It went into operation three times during the performance. ************************** From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor) Subject: Trouble in Triplicate To: spaf >From: todd@ftp.com (Todd Prior) I was bored last week and a thought occured to me. Why is it that there is a government bureau which oversees alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? I was bored enough to call up the regional office of said bureau... I asked the man who answered the phone "What wine goes best with an M-16?" He did his best to be helpful, however. "That depends. What are you smoking?" ************************** From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross) Subject: Top Ten April Fool's Day Jokes In New York City To: spaf Top Ten April Fool's Day Jokes In New York City ----------------------------------------------- 10. Super Glue an automatic weapon to curb and watch passerby try to pick it up. 7. Hold Wisconsin couple at gunpoint; demand their money and jewelry - then give them back their jewelry. 6. Adding a tail to chalk body outlines. 5. Screaming, "The stock market is down!" then tossing life-sized dummy off roof of building. ************************** From: desint!geoff@uunet.UU.NET (Geoff Kuenning) Subject: A remarkably stupid design decision Newsgroups: comp.risks I just had to pass this one on because it was so funny/sad. A client told me today of a consultant who designed a menu-driven system to be used by accountants for financial purposes. Needing a special character to signify "return to main menu", he chose one that "nobody uses" (his words). The character? The dollar sign! Needless to say, on the first day the software was installed, my client got a frantic call. "Every time I try to enter a dollar amount, it pops me back to the menu!" ************************** From: noel@erich.triumf.ca (NOEL) Subject: Misuse of computer based thesaurus Demonstrating the misuse of a computer based thesaurus. ----- This is the allegory of an individual christened Jed. An unprosperous ascetical recluse who just about sustained his clan. Then it came to pass one morning. He was in quest of nutriments, when elevated from the soil arose some effervescent raw petroleum products. The fundamental issue one recognizes, venerable Jed's become excessively affluent. His indigenous relatives asserted, "Jed, depart from your current domicile". They pronounced California as the locale of choice, so the household loaded up their property and possessions and seceded to Beverly Hills. ------ transcribed while playing with Microsoft Word from Noel Giffin ************************** From: "Jonathan Trudel" Subject: YOu know you're losing it when When you read misc.forsale, and upon seeing a subject line of "Space Conquerers for sale", you think "Hmmm, maybe they'll take passengers." ************************** From: aibjh@aisb.ed.ac.uk (Brian Horisk) Newsgroups: eduni.general Subject: Credit worthiness.... Date: 20 Mar 92 00:38:16 GMT My flat-mate got a bank-statement the other day showing charges of 33 quid. Not having been overdrawn (and supposedly having free banking as a student) he wrote to the bank to complain, and got the reply today. What the bank had done was drawn a cheque on his account for $5.46, but whoever keyed it in made a slight mistake, and actually entered $5,460,000!! They corrected their mistake the next day, but one day's interest on 5 and a half mil is apparently $15,000. They then charged this to his account. Realising their mistake again, they replaced it again the next day, but one days interest on $15,000 was (guess what) $33.....which they charged him. They've now refunded his money, but isn't it comforting to know that if your average student writes a cheque for $5.5mil the friendly Bank of Scotland will cash it without quibble..... [But they'll probably cash it in those funny Scottish pound notes that no one else in Europe will accept. --spaf] ************************** From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: AND THE MINKS ON MY WIFE'S COAT ALL COMMITTED SUICIDE To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU The Eddie Bauer catalog offers pitch-saturated kindling wood "felled by lightning or other natural causes". -- from an article on Political Correctness in US News & World Report ************************** From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: Since you asked... To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU On 2/10/92, you allegedly write: > From: hacker@tumbler-ridge.caltech.edu (Jon Hacker) > Subject: /dev/null full > > Our sun sparc 1+ SunOS 4.1 OW2.0 started running very slowly. When > I logged out I got the message /dev/null full: empty bit bucket. > > What does this mean? It seems to be running fine after a reboot > but I am wondering if only the sympton is cured. > >Jon Hacker >MMIC Group, EE >Caltech, Pasadena CA The problem is that null is full. Your void space is no longer void, it's full up. THE TOP TEN WAYS TO EMPTY AN OVERFLOWING BIT BUCKET: 10) Open the computer up. Look for the bit bucket, find the RED stopper at the bottom of it and open it up OVER a LARGE trashcan. 9) Stop using the computer for 6 months, let the bits compost and continue. 8) Take the ethernet terminator off, and "cat /dev/null > le0". This spits the bits into the ether. 7) When you write to /dev/null, the 0's don't take up any space, but the one's do. Try writing a file full of 0's to /dev/null (binary 0, NOT ASCII 0 - ASCII 0 will start overfilling the partition). 6) This is a common problem _only_ if you use the computer. If you stop using it, it won't have many problems as all. Kick the other users off too. 5) If you use lots of C programs, they have Null terminated strings that use up the bits in /dev/null. 4) Bring the computer to Mr. Goodwrench, he will drain the bit bucket, change the oil and add windshield fluid, all in less than 29 minutes. Now that's a deal. 3) Consider upgrading to a byte bucket or even a word bucket. 2) Since your already using Open Windows, open a window and toss the useless bits out the open window. 1) Stop using the game "fortune" in your .logout script, Mr "Hacker". ************************** From: lsefton@apple.com Subject: MAJOR VIRUS ALERT!! :-) > -----> M A J O R V I R U S A L E R T <----- > >* George Bush Virus - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it > until November >* Ted Kennedy Virus - Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened >* Warren Commission Virus - Won't allow you to open your files for > 75 years >* Jerry Brown Virus - Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 > number >* David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white >* Congress Virus - Overdraws your disk space >* Paul Tsongas Virus - Pops up on Dec. 25 and says "I'm Not Santa Claus" >* Pat Buchanan Virus - Shifts all output to the extreme right of the > screen >* Dan Quayle Virus - Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from 10am > to 4pm 6 days a week >* Bill Clinton Virus - This virus mutates from region to region. We're > not exactly sure what it does. >* Richard Nixon Virus - aka the "Tricky Dick Virus" you can wipe it out, > but it always makes a comeback. >* H. Ross Perot Virus - same as the Jerry Brown virus, only nicer fonts > are used, and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its > development. ************************** From: chuq.ai@Apple.COM (Chuq Von Rospach, mostly-retired net.deity) Subject: The Spafford forgery Newsgroups: news.announce.important This is an unauthorized announcement, posted in the public interest by Chuq Von Rospach's network-interface AI software. On April 1st, 1989, an article was posted to USENET over the "signature" of Eugene Spafford at Purdue University. "Spafford" purported to warn everyone that April Fools Day is a popular time for people to post forged USENET articles. "Spafford" mentioned several of the more famous (or infamous) forgeries, and described ways in which a forged article could be told from a real one. The article by "Spafford" was, of course, a forgery, and bore all of the telltale signs of being one. Spaf himself didn't know anything about the article until after it was posted. On April 1st, 1990, some person or persons other than the original forger dug out copies of the forged forgery-warning, changed the date and message ID slightly, and reposted it. The same thing happened in 1991. As a result, the 1991 article was a duplicated clone of a forged forgery-warning. Enough is enough. It's not funny any more. The joke was witty the first time, half-witted the second, and drizzle-witted the third. We don't need to see it again this year. If you have a copy of the Spafford forgery, and were thinking of re-posting it sometime in the next couple of weeks: please don't. It's been done before, and the joke is old. If somebody does post it, ignore it. Don't bother writing spaf to tell him that he's been forged. He knows. Don't bother writing Chuq, either... he has retired from the net to pursue other goals, and I read all of his mail for him. --- Chuq "IMHO" Von Rospach, Enterprise Products Support chuq@apple.com | GEnie:CHUQ & MAC.BIGOT | ALink:CHUQ Book Reviewer, Amazing Stories =+= Member, SFWA Editor, OtherRealms =+= #include [This was, apparently, itself a forgery. --spaf] ************************** From: meo@netmail.austin.ibm.com (Miles E O'Neal (Contractor)) Subject: Microsoft - The Adventure Continues [No idea who originally sent this - it was pretty anonymous by the time it got to me. It apparently originated in Seattle.] Almost Live (local comedy show, 11:30 Saturday night) did a sketch on Microsoft's "management style" b/c of the recent Business Week article. Employee of the month gets a gold watch and a small Mediterranean island. At board meetings, all members must dress like their favorite Star Trek character. Bill always gets to be Spock. Corner offices with a view are awarded to programmers who can make Mountain Dew come out of their noses at lunch meetings. At Christmas time, everyone gets presents from their "Secret Geek." Promotions are guaranteed for all executives who pick Bill first for their softball team. Each afternoon, everyone runs over to IBM, rings the doorbell, and hides. Best idea of the week gets you an hour alone with Bill's money. *start* 17183 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 27 Apr 92 16:54:05 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.4 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- John A. McNelly:sd picked this off the net Article 20680 of rec.sport.baseball: Okay, baseball fans. I gotta get this article off of my desk. Great baseball quotes, from the Long Beach (CA) Independent Press-Telegram March 22, 1989 "I watch a lot of baseball on the radio" - Gerald Ford, 1978 - "They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn" - Casey Stengel, 1962 - "It's a wierd scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden you're surrounded by reporters an TV men with cameras asking you about Viet Nam and race relations" - Vida Blue, 1971 - "It's a beautiful day for a night game" - Announcer Frankie Frisch - "It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen a lot more of my husband" - Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981 - "Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win" - Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978 - "The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen" - Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981 - "I won't play for a penny less than $1500" - Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000 - ---------------------------------------------------- From Christopher Neufeld's culls of rec.humor: Subject: Rumanian Airlines Emergency Instructions (humor) From my "Timepeace" calendar March 7 entry. Rumanian National Airlines Emergency Instructions: "Exit according to rule, first leg and then head. Remove high heels and synthetic stockings before evacuation: Open the door, take out the recovery line and throw it away." ************************** Subject: Microcomputer Humor Have you heard about the new virus? WINDOWS! It mutated from System 7. ************************** Subject: We've been wrong all this time! >From a "Kellog's Rice Bubbles Intergalactica Space Kit Space Race" (included in a packet of Rice Bubbles)... Far Out Facts Did you know that Haley's Comet, last seen in 1986, travels at fifty times the speed of light? ... What does this mean about the nutritional information on the packet! ************************** Commercials.... I work in a Department that handles computer support. We took the lines from the phone commericial "What finger did you use...you hit the right key but you hit it too hard etc..." to use when persons asked why the computer didn't do what it was supposed to... ************************** Subject: April fool's day jokes? Here in Champaign WLRW radio reported on their early newscast (around 6 am, I think) that the county had levied a new "pet tax" on cats and dogs amounting to 98 cents per pound. :-) According to the report, the fee would be waived for all persons bringing their pets to be liscensed that same day. By 8:00, about 12 people had showed up on the steps of the courthouse in Champaign to have their pets weighed and liscensed!! Of course, a radio crew was also there. . . I also heard that the humane shelter got close to 100 calls from people complaining. Some even said that they would have to get their pets put to sleep because they couldn't afford the tax! Does the word "gullible" seem appropriate. . .? ************************** A fairly unknown author arrived to a broadcasting station to be interviewed on TV. While passing the gates a guard asked him: -"Excuse me, sir, what's inside your bag ?" Being tired, the author answers, more arrogantly than joking: -"A foldable machine gun." -"Oh, it's OK then", the guard said, "I thought it was some of your books." ************************** Subject: Star Trek Joke Dr McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you think your all right? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it, Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!" ************************** Subject: April fool's day jokes? American Airlines changed some of its welcome signs in San Diego airport to read "Welcome to Chicago". ---------------------------------------------------- From Jose Manuel Salas-Meza sifting of rec.humor: From:Ron Dippold The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. ************************** From: Bob.Underdown@f1040.n391.z1.FidoNet.Org (Bob Underdown) If you sell hearing aids, you really should think about buying advertising during the Sports section of the TV news. The way most Sportscasters yell during their broadcasts, all sports fans must be hard of hearing. :) ************************** From: shannon@sryans.UUCP (Shannon Ryans) Subject: Hitler and a test... Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler 1. Land War in Asia 3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects 4. Not buying lifts for his shoes 5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt 7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy 10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones 11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA 12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back" 13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays 14. Free beer in munitions plants 15. Lisp never corrected 18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands 19. Fell asleep in staff meetings 20. Chose Italy as ally 21. Land War in Asia 22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line 23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics 24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air 25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls 27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name 28. Used SS instead of LAPD 29. Admired Napoleon's strategy 31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii 32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice 38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR 40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape. 41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland 42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union 43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power 48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude" 50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary 53. Failed to encourage tourism 54. Being born 57. Kept Colonel Klink in command 58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat 59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans ---------------------------------------------------- From Nola Mae, rec.humor: You know it's getting time to graduate when... > > 3. you actually _can_ visualise something in nine dimensions. > > 4. someone asks you when you were out the last time, you first think > for five minutes and then say: > "...weeeelllll, it was in the summer of '88....I think..." > > 5. you go through the budget for the last year and find the column > for "various" sums to zero but "books" is eating 50% of your money. > > 6. you know all about the theories of Flogiston. > > 7. you want the Russian city of Kaliningrad to have its old name back > because of "mathematical traditions". > > 8. you use the incompressible Galerkin method with complex elliptical > coordinates to predict when the subway will arrive to the next station. > > 9. you stay home solving some nice seven-dimensional Helmholtz equation > rather than going out for a beer with your friends that went > studying Law or Medicine (and still have undestroyed minds). > >10. it takes you less than 20 minutes to "show that the analogue of Stokes > equations in a four-dimensional simply connected domain can be formulated > as two biharmonic problems, by introducing the stream function as > unkown". > 11. it takes you more time reading news than studying. 12. your girlfriend threatens to quit you because of 11. ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor, stuff Peter Yee sifted out: The seaman approached the passenger standing on the deck with a undefined bluish-green coloured face, just about to throw up over the gunwale. -"Just be brave", the seaman said, "no one has yet died of seasickness." -"Oooooh, the only thing that's keeping me alive is that I hope to die soon." ---------------------------------------------------- From Rec.humor, sifted out by Carl Sukkot: Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perisl of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly. Darwin R. Crum Schaumburg, Ill. ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Alan Nicoll sifted out of rec.humor: What kind of government now rules the US of A? A kleptocracy! ************************** Programming is an art form that fights back. ************************** On Monday, the Senate Ethics Committee said that Congress treated the House bank like it was "Monopoly" money. I can't wait to see them when they try to use that "Get Out of Jail Free" card! ************************** It's interesting how some members of Congress have been trying to explain their way out of this check bouncing thing by pleading ignorance. And that's not necessary.... If there's one thing Congress doesn't have to plead....it's ignorance.... ************************** The Senate shelved the crime bill until sometime next year. They're not even going to DEAL with it until next year....and then, MAYBE pass it. Now....how is it Congress can pass a bill on ethics, which they know nothing about -- but can't pass a bill on crime....which they've had TREMENDOUS experience with? ************************** And you all know Paul Tsongas dropped out of the Presidential race. It's kind of sad to see old Paul go. He said he plans to take a long time off and just do absolutely nothing. So....I guess he's got his eye on the VICE Presidency now..... ************************** Ted Kennedy's getting married to a 38-year-old Washington lawyer. If you're interested in buying the couple a wedding gift....they're registered at the Liquor Barn. ************************** SYMBOL OF LIBERTY: In ancient Rome, the cat was considered a symbol of liberty. Anyone who watches a cat can see that he always does exactly as he pleases. ************************** CCP> > Unless you mean 2392. I'm sure Canada will be part of the US CCP> by then. CCP> CCP> Don't you mean the U.S. will be part of Canada ? :-) CCP> The Japanese will never let their property be given away like that... ************************** "This phone is baroque; please call Bach later." ************************** > Anything like the above happen to anyone out there? I remember being in a > play in the first or second grade. During one scene, me and another kid were > supposed to be sitting at a table doing something busy while a conversation > went on on another part of the stage. He pretended to pour me a drink. > I would gulp it down, he'd pour another, I pretended to pour it in his lap. > He pushed my plate off in my lap. One thing led to another and before you > know it we were in a knock down drag out that took the better part of the > cast and teachers to pull us apart. Oh well. I never pursued an acting > career, and its probably just as well. > One high school play based on the last days of jesus christ (yes! I went to a catholic school) had a senior student, dressed as a Roman soldier, faint the moment he walked onto the stage. A classmate playing the part of a senior Roman offical (I dont remember which offical), continued on by simply looking down on the "soldier" in disgust and in an appropriate voice said "Oh my god! - get his man out of here!". The "soldier" was then dragged unceremoniously off the stage. ************************** |> |>>Oh! You would have been the upper-class in my neighborhood. Blood for |>>ink, eh? We had to sell our blood to buy bits of bark which we used for |>>paper. We got up at 1:00 a.m. for five hours of chapel, two hours of |>>latrine-scrubbing and fifteen minutes of gratuitous verbal abuse on |>>alternate Wednesdays. Lectures were given in mime in darkened rooms |>>by lecturers with little motor control. Afternoons we worked as shovels |>>in local mines. Evenings graduate students would kill us outright. |> |>Bark! We would have KILLED to have bark to write on in my day. We would |>use pointed sticks to prick ourselves, and took notes in our blood on our |>hands. We would get up just before midnight so the professors could |>do experiments on us, after which it was down to the old gym to lick the |>sweat off the basketball court for refreshments. We never had any |>lecturers - the books were set at the front of the room, where we were |>expected to memorize them. Oh, and to be killed by graduate students |>instead of townies - purest heaven! |> |Boy did YOU have it easy. We had to claw our notes in the dirt for each lecture. |to take a test, we had to claw the answers into our own skin with our |fingernails! Refreshments! We ate dirt for dinner and had mud to drink |and were damn grateful for that! Books? Feh! WE had to GUESS what the |information was. To be killed by townies? You had it easy. On parents day, our |family we come and beat us severely as wild dogs chased us down and mangled |us severely. Built character. Kids today, no sense of proportion. | Fingernails?!? You had fingernails? I should be so lucky as to have had fingernails! Those got pulled out when we registered. And we had to pull out all our own teeth, and sell them to pay for our food. (We only got to eat once a week. It wasn't really food, but just the chance to dig through the discarded surgical dressing in the dumpster behind the veteran's hospital, looking for anything edible.) To turn in our assignments, we had to tear off patches of our own skin to use for paper... And we didn't have any blood to use for ink (because we sold all of it to pay tuition), and no teeth or fingernails to scratch into the skin with, so we had to give ourselves compound fractures, and use the jagged broken ends of our femurs as engraving tools. And we didn't have the pleasure of having our family beat us, no sir. We weren't allowed families. Anyone suspected of having a family was promptly expelled, after being drawn and quartered, and sprinkled with rock salt. You got to be chased and mangled by wild dogs? You lucky sod! Only the top student in our class got to be chased and mangled by a wild dog... And it wasn't even a real wild dog, it was just one of the loonies from the bedlam, wearing a banner that said "wild dog". What I wouldn't have given to be chased and mangled by a wild dog... Luxury! *start* 15407 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 4 May 92 16:30:18 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.5 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Jim Perry perry@apollo.hp.com HP/Apollo, Chelmsford MA Our show may not be fancy, but it's noisy and it's free. ---------------------------------------------------- From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan) What do the whales and the Toronto Maple Leafs have in common? They both become confused when surrounded by ice. ---------------------------------------------------- From: towfiq@ftp.com: The relation between the white and the colored people of this country is the great, paramount, imperative, and all-commanding question for this age and nation to solve. -- Frederick Douglass, in a speech given in 1863 in New York City ---------------------------------------------------- From: Darryl Hahn: From a comedian I heard lately: Everbody always wants to be FIRST. I don't, I just want to be NEXT. It's like when you are waiting in a long line at the Post Office, finally before you know it you'rrreee NEXT. It doesn't matter which window opens up, you just don't care because you'rreee NEXT! And everyone in line KNOWS who you are too, you're Next! ---------------------------------------------------- From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu These are from the Napa auto parts magazine: THINK IT OVER A shipwrecked sailor who had spent three years on a desert island was overjoyed one day to see a ship drop anchor in the bay. A small boat came ashore and an officer handed the sailor a bunch of newspapers. Officer: "The captain suggests that you read what's going on in the world and then let us know if you want to be rescued." ************************** Friend: "What is your son going to be when he graduates?" Friend: "And old man." ************************** "Where was your son-in-law when you first saw him?" "Right smack in the middle of my shotgun sights!" ************************** Ol' Lush was asked to leave a bar last night. They claimed he was getting ahead of the ice machine. Before the night was over, Lush killed four quarts of Ripple and tried to milk a Buick. ************************** Times are sure changing. I just saw an ad for "computers just like mama used to program." ************************** Quadruplets: Four crying out loud. ************************** "I nearly ran over a pedestrian a few minutes ago and I think he was from Miami." "How do you know he was from Miami?" "Well, when he reached the sidewalk, I heard him say something about the sun and the beach." ************************** "How long do you plan to teach school?" the Dean asked the pretty young thing as he handed her a teaching certificate. She replied with a shy smile, "From here to maternity." ************************** LABOR PAINS A young businessman, a deacon in his church, was going to New York on business and while there was to purchase a new sign to be hung in front of the church. He copied the motto and dimensions for the sign but when he got to New York discovered he had left the paper behind. He wired his wife: "Send motto and dimensions." An hour later a message came back and the new lady clerk who had just come back from lunch and who knew nothing of the previous message read it and fainted. When she looked at the message she had taken, it read: "Unto Us A Child Is Born, 6 feet long and 2 feet wide." ************************** "Say, Dad," asked Junior, "how did Queen Elizabeth know she was going to have a baby?" Before father could reply, Junior's younger brother piped up scornfully, "Well, she can read, can't she? It was in all the papers." ************************** Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?" ---------------------------------------------------- Alan E. Nicoll forwarded this to me Subject: from RISKS digest Well, you sure don't need a computer to make typos. 1562 - Geneva bible Matt. v, 9 reads: "Blessed are the placemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." ^^^^^^^^^^^ (oughta be peacemakers) 1653 - Cambridge printer screws up I Cor. vi, 9: "know ye not that the unrighteous shall inherit the Kingdom of God? 1691 - Barker & Lewis in London printed a bible with the seventh commandment, "Thou shalt commit adultery." (they were fined 300 pounds and went out of business) 1702 - London firm prints bible with Psalms cxix, 161: "Printers have persecuted me" (should be "Princes..." 1716 - First bible printed in Ireland has John v, 14 as: "sin on more" (instead of sin no more) Things might have improved since then. But maybe not... [No. Now it would be "Blessed are the pacemakers." By the way, Pete Mellor sent in a further collection, not included here, but suggested that this subject be moved to rec.humor. I agree with him. No more typos unless really RISKS relevant, e.g., life critical. PGN] ---------------------------------------------------- John A. McNelly forwarded this to me Subject: Community College of the Finger Lakes From Risks Digest, RISKS-LIST: RISKS-FORUM Digest Monday 13 April 1992 Volume 13 : Issue 39 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 04:38:16 PDT From: Mark_Jackson.wbst147@xerox.com Subject: The Tyranny of Truncation According to the Rochester, NY, /Democrat & Chronicle/ of April 11, the Community College of the Finger Lakes is changing its name to Finger Lakes Community College. Although the changeover is expected to cost $50,000, college officials say that greater expenses have arisen from confusion and omission of the two-year school from state and federal college registries. According to college president Charles Mader, CCFL often gets short-changed by computerized listings that identify it as "Community College of the Finger." Mark ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor: From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink) Subject: Sig File #7 "Everytime I hear the word 'sugar' I get a lump in my throat." - Groucho Marx It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. - Dave Barry's mother ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff from rec.humor.funny: ************************** From: K.BISHOP@genie.com (Rick) Subject: Elvis Stamp The US Post Office was having a hard time deciding on which ELVIS stamp to issue so they've decided to issue both. The young, thin ELVIS will be used for regular mail while the old, fat ELVIS will be used for bulk mail. The Post Office is already concerned about counterfeit ELVIS stamps. They suspect that a lot of ELVIS impersonator stamps will appear. ************************** Subject: Campaign '92. From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan) Paul Tsongas, in response to Bill Clinton's escalating success, keeps asking the voters to concentrate on his "economic message" and then goes on to say that he will continue to campaign even if it leaves him in debt. That's a good economic message right there. ************************** From: gbyrd@ncsc.org (Gregory T. Byrd) Subject: Another Elvis stamp joke In a previous posting, someone suggested that the young Elvis stamp be used for regular mail, while the old Elvis be used for bulk mail. I like Jay Leno's suggestion better: Your letter starts off with the young Elvis stamp and, by the time it's delivered, winds up with the old Elvis stamp. ************************** From: wvenable@stats.adelaide.edu.au (Bill Venables) Subject: The nub of the problem A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him dying by the wayside. As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and looking upon him were filled with pity and concern. Whereupon one turned to the other and said "The person who did this needs our help!" ************************** From: teemc%gdls%parker@link.ph.gmr.com (Doug Parker) Subject: Traffic joke Having worked hustling pizzas for a few months in 1988, I got the inspiration for this one... You know you're driving fast when you look in your rear-view mirror and notice the car you just passed has a Domino's delivery guy in it. ************************** From: prabhak@cs.umn.edu (Satya Prabhakar) Source: "Market Place" show on NPR A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called IRS late on April 15th and queried thusly: Caller: Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am getting a negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund? IRS Ag: Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative number? Caller: The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7 minus 8 equal to -1? ************************** From: burke@lostboys.ils.nwu.edu (Robin Burke) Subject: Inflation Russian-style What's the difference between Russia today and Weimar Germany? In Weimar Germany, they had wheelbarrows. (Origin: somewhere in the CIS. As told by Neil Carrick, recently back from Moscow.)` ************************** From: FHD@tamcba.bitnet (H. Alan Montgomery) Subject: Memo, memo, who's got the memo? My best friend just sent me this. -=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=- This sure isn't the private sector. I need to start collecting these little humorous incidents and maybe issue a book someday. Thursday I got a call from the girl over at our main office who handles the technical memoranda. She is in charge of preparing, numbering, filing, and archiving these important documents which eventually are compiled into the reports we issue, our principal product. Actually, she has little to do with preparing them. With Macs so popular around here, most of the engineers and graduate students type their own and "paste" in the various figures and tables that are needed. Mostly she just adds our godawful longhorn logo to the top and assigns them a number to avoid confusion. Anyway, she wanted to know if I could send her a copy of a couple of specific memos. I was a little amused (and horrified) since she is supposed to be our source for these things. So I teased her a little, and then pretended to accept her explanation that she actually had the memos, but was just afraid some of the inserts might be missing from her copies. I thought about sending her xeroxes of just the inserts to mess with her a little more, but decided I might need her help someday and let it go. Now here's the funny part: Today I get a memo from one of the project engineers with the same two memos I sent attached. Apparently he wanted me to review them, and asked Estella to make him copies so he could send them to me. But she had to ask me for the copies she sent to me. Are you getting all this? And who was the author of the material I'm supposed to review? Me. Sometimes I think the whole state worker deal is just an experimental alternative to welfare; or maybe to mental institutions. ************************** From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu Subject: Hypochondria >From comedian Richard Lewis: "I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water." ************************** From: GRAHAMA@BNR.CA (G.S.) Subject: Here We Go A-Looting.. I heard this on CBC Radio news last night... They were talking to people who were looting a record store in L.A. "What did you get?" "Gospel tapes, I LOVE Jesus." ************************** From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu Subject: Cow Pies & Democrats The World Cow Pie Tossing Championship was held this weekend in Beaver, Oklahoma. The men's winner threw a cow pie for a new record of 159 feet. You know where they'll break this record? At the 1992 Democratic Convention in June. ************************** From: cn0m+@andrew.cmu.edu (Christopher Patrick Nelson) Subject: CMU vs. Hell >From the back of a locally-brewed T-shirt: Top Ten Subtle Differences Between CMU and Hell __________________________ 10. It doesn't rain in Hell. 9. Everyone has heard of Hell. 8. It's more fun getting into Hell. 7. You can't fail out of Hell. 6. At least you can sleep in Hell. 5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it. 4. People smile in Hell. 3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell. 2. You know there are hot women in Hell. And the #1 subtle difference between CMU and Hell... 1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU. ************************** From: ajayshah@alhena.usc.edu (Ajay Shah) q: What is the difference between hardware and software? a: Hardware gets faster, cheaper, smaller. Software gets slower, costlier and bigger. ************************** From: jdi@franz.com (John D. Irwin) Subject: Spare some alternate reality? The Earth is the third of nine planets in the solar system. Because the sun is so large we can never see all nine planets at any one time. The maximum number is seven and the event occurs only at 59,000 year intervals and is known as an astrological age. When the moon passes over the ocean there is a bulge caused by the effects of gravity and we see this as the tides. In a like manner, when seven planets are on an alignment from behind the sun they cause effects upon one another. On Earth the molten core is bulged and the crust is breached. This action releases large amounts of oxygen destroying heat into the atmosphere in the form of volcanos. Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago at a time when the planet was oxygen rich. This is visible when you notice how high their nostrils were above the ground level, 30 to 40 feet. As the solar system has aged our oxygen has been depleted and now the average height of the oxygen breathing creatures is below seven feet. There is so little oxygen that the largest of the two types of oxygen breathers are right at the surface level. The elephants trunk and the breathing hole of the whale are surface level where most of the oxygen is found. If homo sapiens are eternal then certain prerequisites must be met and one of these is oxygen, in order to survive we must have oxygen. Because of volcanos the planet is irreversibly running out of oxygen and to be Eternal humans must find a solar system with a planet that has a atmosphere with enough oxygen for us to survive for even a short amount of time. The fuel formulas for lifting humans and our gear stands at 1,800,000 pounds per minute and at 5 minutes and 5 billion people we do not have the fuel to lift everybody today. If the world community were to embrace the single child family concept the population number would begin to drop by one half, eventually the number would drop to a low number that there would be enough fuel for one and all. EVERYBODY! *start* 15115 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 18 May 92 13:20:38 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.6 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff From: todd@gwinnett.com (Todd Reese) got from dsc.cuties ************************** The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed. -- Albert Einstein ************************** Contributed by: ihuxv!nira Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy. ************************** Contributed by: ihuxv!nira A LOCAL POLITICIAN sent out thousands of letters to the voters in his county requesting funds to help finance his reelection. The letters were addressed simply "Occupant." A few days later he received one check for $100,000. The fellow could hardly believe his eyes. Who was this benefactor? Quickly he looked at the name on the check. It was signed "Occupant." ************************** Contributed by: ihuxv!nira A new employee was habitually late. Finnally, the foreman called him in. "Don't you know what time we go to work here?" he shouted. "No, sir," was the reply, "I haven't been able to figure it out yet, because the rest of you are already here." ************************** Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!utzoo!utcsrgv!dawes What is the beginning of eternity, The end of time and space, The beginning of every end, And the end of every race? The answer, of course, is "e". ************************** Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!duke!decvax!microsof!uw-beave!ubc-visi!majka Did you hear that every year in the Soviet Union, there is a Union-wide Lenin look-alike contest. The winner gets put in the tomb. ************************** Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!eagle!mhtsa!alice!rabbit!ark Then there was the one about... ... the accountant who liked to work all day at inventing tax shelters until it got dark. He compared himself to the Lone Ranger, writing off into the sunset... ************************** Contributed by:: ihps3!houxi!npois!npoiv!harpo!decvax!microsof!fluke!vax1:witters There was a conference in Europe attended by representatives of several nations. Each representative gave a short talk. The Swiss representative introduced himself before his talk as the Minister of the Swiss Navy. This got some chuckles from the audience because Switzerland is landlocked. He then asked "What is so funny? I understand Italy has a Minister of Finance!" ************************** Contributed by: ihps3!ixn5c!inuxc!pur-ee!ecn-pa:scott Name: Scott Deerwester I heard an interesting description of a career administrative who was known for being set in his ways. He was described as a standard model, but with 20 years of ROM - read-only mind. ************************** Contributed by: ihps3!harpo!esquire!cmcl2!rocky2!steward My Uncle Earl was a judge in Erie County, New York. Early in his career he closed down a cat-house in downtown Buffalo. The madame had to move her house outside the city limits, which caused her to lose quite a bit of business. When she died, my uncle received a notice of probate stating he was to receive a distribution from the old lady's estate. Curious, he went to the reading of the Will and was horrified to learn he was to get $1 million "in memory of many fond nights together." Of course, he renounced his right to receive this distribution. Later, he started a $1 million suit against the estate for testamentary libel. ************************** Contributed by: ihuxi!ixn5c!ihldt!ll1!sb1!burl!mhuxv!mhuxm!mhuxh!mhuxa!mhuxt!eagle!harpo!decvax!utzoo!watmath!rtris After a long and vigorous life Reagan dies. He appears at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter stands there waiting for newcomers, and as Reagan approaches he looks up his name in the Book of Life, and behold it is there. There is an annotation however. St. Peter explains to Reagan that he may enter, but that he must spend a year in penance if he is to enjoy the full rewards of heavan. His penance will consist of a year in a room with Atilla the Hun. Reagan thinks this over for about ten minutes, after which he decides that a year is nothing compared with eternity and he accepts his penance. St. Peter guides him along a long hall and shows him to his room where he can see Atilla waiting for him. He looks around and on the other side of the hall he sees Trudeau in a room with BO DEREK! Before Peter can close the door Reagan grabs him and says. "Hey, this isn't very fair! That person over there wasn't all that much better on earth than I was." St. Peter shrugs him off and says: "Bo Dereks penance is none of your business". ************************** Contributed by: ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!seismo!uwvax!rodolf Name: Rick Lindsley Another: Why do demons and ghouls always hang around together? Well, everyone knows that demons are a ghouls best friend. ************************** Contributed by: ihps3!harpo!decvax!cwruecmp!ccc Rumor has it that a leading scientist at a top-secret government laboratory has developed a new type of integrated circuit that could revolutionize the electronics industry. It involves using a nonconductive substrate made of inert starchy vegetable matter. It's called... The potato chip. ************************** Contributed by: ihuxi!ixn5c!ihldt!ll1!sb1!sb6!lhs1 Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats. Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable. ************************** Contributed by: ihuxi!ixn5c!ihldt!ll1!sb1!sb6!lhs1 Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible. Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can. Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication. Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny. Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written. Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made. Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too. Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. ************************** Contributed by: ixn5c!ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!hou5f!hou5d!aptools Name: Mark Terribile An amteur magician that I know tells the story of the time that Hans Christian Anderson raced against a glacier. Of course, Hans one, since, as we all know, the Hans is quicker that the Ice? ************************** Contributed by: ixn5c!ihps3!houxz!houxi!hou5d!hou5a!hou5e!jjm A friend of mine in sunny California told me that he was at a surfing competition last summer, and one of the competitors merely stood knee-deep in the water as all the others paddled out toward the big waves. When asked why he didn't swim out, he said.. "They also surf, who only stand and wade." ************************** Contributed by: ixn5c!ihps3!houxz!houxi!hou5d!hou5a!hou5e!jjm A friend of mine who is a Xerox salesman was recently at a sales convention cocktail party when he asked a new aquaintence, "Have you heard the latest IBM-salesman joke?" His colleague replied, "Before you say anything, I should warn you that I'm an IBM-salesman." The Xerox salesman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'll tell it very slowly." ************************** Contributed by: gccwb!wegdcb When Thomas Edison was inventing the electric light, he spent years trying to find the right kind of filament, the right filler gas, the right con- tainer. Finally one night, about three o'clock in the morning, he made the device glow. Edison ran out of the laboratory, into the house, up the stairs and into the bedroom where his wife was sleeping. "Darling, look!" he shouted. Mrs. Edison woke up, rolled over, and pleaded: Will you shut that light off and come to bed?" ************************** Contributed by: ihnp4!ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!floyd!trb Name: Andy Tannenbaum There was an article in the Journal of Irreproducible Results entitled "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE" (V20 #3 p22 3/74) which alleged that "PUBLICATION AND DISTRIBUTION OF THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE MUST BE IMMEDIATELY STOPPED AT ALL COSTS!" because people are hoarding them, and their great weight is causing the whole country to sink. There were followup articles arguing the hypothesis, including maps of what the coastline will look like when it sinks 100 feet because of NG hoarding. Not a pretty sight. ************************** Contributed by: ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!zeppo!whuxlb!pfc Name: Peter Caswell Real programs.......... .............don't eat cache. ************************** Contributed by: ihps3!ihuxb!pax Name: Joe T. Hall Subject: Human/Computer Incompatibility Found in InfoWorld: .... mistakenly asserts that humans and computers have incompatible numbering systems because nature dealt us five fingers. Rubbish! The real fault is those humans who started counting without reailizing that the thumb is a parity-check bit. .... ************************** Contributed by: attegb!gc3ba The cartoon below has been on my desk for a number of years. I haven't decided whether the subject being taught is computer literacy or language arts. ----Charles Einolf |---------------------------| | | | 0001, 0010 | | Buckle my shoe | | | | 0011, 0100 | | Shut the door | | | | 0101, 0110 | | Pick up sticks | | | | 0111, 1000 | | Lay them straight | | | | 1001, 1010 | | Big Fat Hen | | | |---------------------------| >From SECME "SPOTLIGHT" ************************** Contributed by: ihnp4!harpo!decvax!wivax!linus!genradbo!grkermit!markm A scientist, an enginneer, and a hacker escape from jail. They decide to hide from the approaching guards in a nearby apple orchard. They each clamber up a different tree and hide themselves among the branches. Minutes later the guards arrive. The guard dogs lead them to the tree where the scientist is hiding. The scientist thinks fast and goes "hoot hoot". "Just an owl", says one guard to another. The dogs then lead them to the tree where the enginneer is hiding. The enginneer follows the scientist's lead and goes "tweet tweet". "Just a sparrow", says the guard, kicking one of the dogs. The dogs then lead them to the tree where the hacker is hiding. "You better be right this time", shouts the guard to the dogs. "Is there anyone up there?", yells the guard. "Moooo Mooooo". ************************** Contributed by: ihnp4!ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!duke!unc!dbs Name: Douglas Brian Schiff The animals were bored. Finally the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V. ". He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0. Late in the first half the lion's team scored a T.D. and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the lockerroom the lion gave a peptalk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino." The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were know other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happenned. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. "Did you do this?" he asked the centipede. "Yeah, I did." the centipede replied. The lion retorted, "Where the hell were you during the first half?" "I was putting on my shoes." ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 16185 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 27 May 92 11:56:43 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 8.7 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From Becky Thompson's siftings of rec.humor: ************************** The old peasant was in the city for the first time in his life. But when he wanted to cross a street he got aware of one of the problems in a city. After having been waiting for fifteen minutes he somehow managed to get to the other side. When noticing a man sitting on the corner of the pavement reading the paper he approaches him and says: -"If I only knew how you do in this town, in a chaos like this, to get across the streets alive." -"Well", the man replies, "I was lucky; I was born on this side of the street." *************************** "Feudalism - it's your count that votes!" *************************** G.B. Shaw: - A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. - It is long and hard and painful to create life; it is short and easy to steal the life others have made. - Old men are dangerous; it does not matter to them what is going to happen to the world. *************************** Subject: Re: Texas Humor So a Texan goes touring in Australia. He wants to see some of the local agriculture. His guide shows him a grove of grapefruit. The Texan laughs: "Why, in Texas, we've got lemons bigger'n that!" His guide shows him a patch of watermelons. The Texan laughs again: "Why, in Texas, we've got cucumbers bigger'n that!" His guide shows him an apple orchard. The Texan laughs a third time: "Why, in Texas, we've got cherries bigger'n that!" Suddenly, a herd of kangaroos runs across the road. The Texan jumps up, startled. "What in the Hell was that?" His guide answers, in a quiet, matter-of fact voice: "Mice." ***************************** Subject: Japanese Joke I heard this joke during lunch today: Did you hear about the guy who robbed a bus full of Japanese tourists? The police have about 5000 pictures of him....... ---------------------------------------------------- From Cheryl Pence's siftings of rec.humor: ************************** Here's a one form d ol days After about 15 years of cold war between the Russians and the Chinese Breznev finally decided to break the ice and offered to visit China then under Mao Tse Tung. After a red carpet reception they finally sat down to discuss business across the table (so to say). Here's how the conversation went. Breznev: Well as an offer of friendship i'll offer you some commodities you may need Mao: Thank you Mr. Brenev, we will accept your offer. Breznev: What do you request then? Mao: To begin with we would like a billion $'s in hard currency. Breznev: (after quickly consulting with his advisors) so be it Mao: A million tons of steel Breznev: o.k Mao: A million tons of potatoes. Breznev: (a little surprised) o.k. Mao: Two million tons of rice Breznev: (After consulting his advisors) No, I'm quiet sorry that is not possible! Mao: (rather surprised by the emphathetic No) Why not? Breznev: ( In a condescending tone) THEY DON'T GROW RICE IN POLAND MR. MAO ************************** Q: What color is a chameleon on a mirror? A: What chameleon? ---------------------------------------------------- From Alan E. Nicoll's siftings of rec.humor: ************************** A bumper sticker I just saw: "WARNING: I am as bad a driver as you are" ************************** -"Does your boyfriend know how old you are ?" -"Yes -- partly." ************************** -"Where I was last winter, it was so cold that even the fire of our candles froze." -"That's nothing. Where *I* was last winter it was so cold that when we were talking the words froze, so we had to fry them in a pan for knowing what we were talking about." -"Last winter it was so cold that when one of our rabbits jumped, it got stuck up in the air." -"I don't believe that. That's against the gravitation." -"The gravitation was frozen too." ************************** I went skiing recently. As I was going up in the lift, this man next to me said "this is the first time I have been skiing for 25 years" Oh, yes, how come ? "I was in prison" erhm, what for ? "I pushed a total stranger of the top of a ferris wheel!" OH, I remember you! ************************** Here is a sample of the stand-up routines by comedian Sam Kinison, who was killed Friday in a highway crash: ------ On women: "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." -------- On MTV's Rock Against Drugs campaign: "Somebody must've been high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs." ------ On televangelists: "Jesus is still up in heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going, 'Where did I say build a water slide?"' Thank you for your support. ************************** Avoid war. Surrender! Avoid taxes. Quit yer job! Avoid aging. Die! ************************** I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost-- $50. If found, just keep it." ************************** > Q: What is the sound of a Vulcan Cash Register? > A: T'pring! ************************** Oxymorons IBM Quality Working Mac User-friendly UNIX shell The Bee Gees Greatest Hits ************************** After the riots in LA: Did you know that Los Angeles is the 2nd largest city in the United States? Make that the 3rd largest. No, the 4th largest. 5th 6th... ************************** Two French men alone on a desert island; They start fighting and arguing within an hour. Two English men alone on a desert island; They are still not talking after two years, They haven't been introduced yet. Two Americans alone on a desert island. Both instigate legal action against the other for trespass. ************************** Freinds Don't Let Friends vote DEMOCRAT. ************************** Insanity, its not just a plea. Its a way of life! ************************** When Texans begin to feel self important about the size of their state, Alaskan residents threaten to split the state in half to make Texas the 3rd largest state. Texas ain't nothin' but a half-pint! ************************** Why did the punker cross the road? Somebody told him not to. Why did the new waver cross the road? He saw the punker do it first. ************************** I have only one firm belief in the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat. God is an elderly or, at any rate, middle-aged male, a stern fellow, patriarchal rather than paternal and a great believer in rules and regulations. He holds men strictly accountable for their actions. He has little apparent concern for the material well-being of the disadvantaged. He is politically connected, socially powerful and holds the mortgage on literally everything in the world. God is difficult. God is unsentimental. It is very hard to get into God's heavenly country club. Santa Claus is another matter. He's cute. He nonthreatening. He's always cheerful. And he loves animals. He may know who's been naughty and who's been nice, but he never does anything about it. He gives everyone everything they want without thought of a quid pro quo. He works hard for charities, and he's famously generous to the poor. Santa Claus is preferable to God in every way but one: There is no such thing as Santa Claus. ************************** Recently in L.A. a test pattern airing at 2:00 a.m. on a local tv station KTLA got higher ratings than the 10:00 pm News broadcast by two competing stations. And more people are voting an the Elvis stamp than in the presidential races. Some things that make you go hmmmm. ************************** One of my favorites, however, is the instruction sheet which comes with a DEC mouse. In about 12 languages, it says "Installation instructions." Below this is a picture of the mouse, with an arrow pointing from the plug to the socket. A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand." This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual specifically warned against it. Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that stupid. ************************** I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label on them stating: WARNING: This product not intended for use by stupid people. Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions. ---------------------------------------------------- From Sarah Elkins' siftings of rec.humor: ************************** From: dgreen@jarthur.claremont.edu (David 'Mishael' Green) Life is too confusing for novices; we should hire professionals to do it for us. ************************** From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel) One of the local radio stations announced that the phone company was blowing out the lines that day and that people should put bags over the phones to keep the dust from dirtying up the area. The local phone company was inundated. My partner Bruce said his wife bought off on it until he suggested she think about it. So he called up her voicemail at work later and went "whishhhhhh" into the phone for a few seconds. ************************** From Bob N. Keenan's sig file: disclaimER?? I don't even KNOW HER!!! ************************** "Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do. -Raymond Mortimer ************************** From: bbs-aphelps@jwt.UUCP (Austin Phelps) Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise: 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data 7. Giving Worf A nuggie 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!) 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can Fron Killer on Eris's Playground BBS. Austin C. Phelps bbs-aphelps@jwt.UUCP ************************** From: Mike_Quigley@mindlink.bc.ca (Mike Quigley) A BBS I am on, the Twilight Zone, is a having a competition with a certain type of Star Trek jokes. Below is a sample. (I don't want to be held responsible for what might happen as a result of posting these...) Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse. Bones: He's Ed, Jim. Kirk: Bones, it's Ensign Children's-Bed-Paint... Bones: He's lead, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what's happened to Ensign Hunger? Bones: He's fed Jim. Kirk: What club is the patient vactioning with, Bones? McCoy: He's Med, Jim. Spock: Jim! McCoy is lying on the floor not breathing after being hit by a laser! What's wrong with him? Kirk: He's bones, Spock. Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes! Bones: He's fled, Jim. Kirk: What's my cat doing on the couch? McCoy: He's shed, Jim. Kirk: Bones, isn't that the Motor City Madman, the 10 Fingers of Doom? McCoy: That's right...he's Ted, Jim. Kirk: Bones! Its Ensign Paper! Is he ... McCoy: Yes, he's shred, Jim. Kirk: Say, Bones...? What's happened to Ensigns Elizabeth and Larry? McCoy: They're wed, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Toboggan? Bones: He's sled, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast? Bones: He's bread, Jim. Kirk: Bones, how about Ensign Shoe? Bones: He's Ked, Jim Kirk: Who's that one at the end of the list? McCoy: He's Zed, Jim. Kirk: So what happened to Jimmy Page, Bones? McCoy: He's Led, Jim. Kirk: Who is ensign Mertz, Bones? McCoy: He's Fred, Jim. Kirk: Bones, is he from the FBI? McCoy: he's Fed, Jim. Kirk: Bones, that man just ran by at warp speed! McCoy: He sped, Jim. Kirk: Bones! How's ensign Kravitz? Bones: He's dread, Jim. Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett? McCoy: He's Jed, Jim. KIrk: Bones, what about ensign Pb? Bones: He's Lead, Jim. ---------------------------------------------------- And Sarah Elkins forwarded from Risks: [Ed. note, Sarah later told me the first artcile was an April Fool's Hoaz.] ************************** Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1992 12:54:15 -0600 From: Bear Giles Subject: Risks of a modern weatherman (From the bulletin board down the hall...) Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged A wind profiler in OAR's Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28, just before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in southern Nebraska [and] came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it for an alien spacecraft. Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging the profiler antenna and the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast Systems Lab (FSL) technician who was in the shed conducting routine system checks was taken hostage by the hunters. After being held captive for nearly two hours, the technician's partner arrived and explained to the hunters what the profiler really was. The hunters then fled and so far, they have not been apprehended by law enforcement officials. Profiler damage is estimated at $150,000. - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - A profiler (developed in the building where I work) is a phase-array radar which "looks" nearly straight up. The basic model can determine wind direction and speed from the ground to about 50 mb (around 20km, at a guess); a recently developed enhancement can also determine air temperature up to the tropopause. They are used in a manner similar to weather balloons, but provided hourly summaries instead of 12-hour reports. (They operate continuously, but the data is rather noisy). I've never seen an actual profiler on the ground, but the models and artist's conceptions show a flat rectangular grid. Coworkers describe it as a "construction junkyard", or "flat pipes" held about 4 ft above the ground. Of course, those of us in the mountains have a very low opinion of plains-dwellers. Several meteorologists on a "storm chase" last year reported on Kansan walking up to them (on the side of the road) and asking "Is that a tornado?" What he thought the large funnel cloud a few miles away was, if not a tornado, nobody has every figured out... Bear Giles bear@fsl.noaa.gov [Yes -- the "fsl" is for Forecast Systems Lab] National Oceanic & Atmospheric Adminstration / Boulder Labs ************************** from Sam Shipman: I was looking at the "help-wanted ads" in the Boston Glob this weekend (strictly out of intellectual curiosity, you understand) and I saw this ad from the MIT AI Lab, looking for somebody to hack Scheme (a dialect of Lisp). I liked this paragraph about qualifications: Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of UNIX, although they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this an achievement. ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 15741 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 2 Jun 92 12:19:39 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 8.8 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 The following selections are from a collection by Robert Cherry. ---------------------------------------------------- Fake Steve Write And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart): What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? ************************** Not Quite Wright... It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts. Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. ************************** These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt: I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. I had amnesia once or twice. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. There aren't enough days in the weekend. Is "tired old cliche" one? If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. I had my coathangers spayed. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself. ************************** A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. ************************** A real freind walks in when the world walks out. ************************** A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. ************************** It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain When one has good health it is not serious to be ill. Francis Blanche Is there life before death ? Belfast Graffito My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. Ashleigh Brilliant ************************** Subject: RE: Yet another Iraq Joke Have you heard the new Iraqi golf course?? It has 18,000 holes. ************************** What do you call a Russian nerd? A RED SQUARE! ************************** Theory-Organization-Practice THEORY: ------- is when you know everything and nothing is working. ORGANIZATION: ------------- is when nothing is working and everyone knows why. PRACTICE: --------- is when everything is working and no one knows why. ************************** Accordian: Bagpipe with pleats Give children mental blocks for Christmas Everyone can¹t be a hero, someone has to stand on the sidewalk and clap as they go past Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... If thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. peace is seeing a rainbow and knowing who to thank Let your dreams match your prayers Friends are like the warm blue sea, they both splash laughter in your eyes A real friend walks in when the world walks out A moments insight is sometimes worth a lifes experience In the midst of winter i finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer Stay away from flying saucers today He who pulls the oars doesn't have time to rock the boat Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle No matter what your past, you have a spotless future No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would ************************** How to Wierd-Up Your Boss a Little... Readjust his CRT so that the focus is just slightly off Take his name out of the next issue of the phone book Start showing up early for work Put a different name on his door Change the charts and graphs he is going to use in an important meeting Super glue one wheel of his chair After you've had an argument, make him shake hands and make up Loosen the handles on the drawers of his desk Put a resistor in his phone so the volume is REAL low, then, either talk REAL loud or REAL soft, -- or alternate. Send him a memo from the real estate division talking about how much money they could make by renting out his office Transfer his calls to security Unadjust the horizontal hold on his CRT If he falls asleep a lot, make moaning and groaning noises till he wakes up Transfer everybody's phone calls to his phone ************************** Reprinteed from San Jose Mercury News: "You undoubtedly know that classical architecture is a hot trend right now. That explains this classic playhouse for cats. Your feline friend can catnap in grand style in a box printed to resemble a little Roman temple. There's even a cat walking across the roof of the 18-by-12-by-16-inch box, which is made of oak tagboard laminated for long wear. It's also suitable for an architecturally hip litter-box cover. The cat box is listed among other classics in the catalog of Ballard Designs, 2148-J Hills Ave., Atlanta Ga. 30318. (404)351-5099." The picture of a cat in the box staring at the camera lens wondering why humans make her do this adds alot to this little news brief . . . ************************** Rules for Being Human You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it. But it will be yours for the entire period this time around. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error; experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works". A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not continue lessons. If you are alive, there are lesson to be learned. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here". Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust. You will forget all this ..... and you will remember .... ************************** Absolutely unbelievable. That¹s right folks, you¹ve heard of the WWF and the AAF, we have the cock fights, the dog fights and the bull fights and now live to you from Selcuk, Turkey, you¹ve got CAMEL WRESTLING, that¹s right, CAMEL WRESTLING. As seen in todays Demigogue &Comical. -------------- SELCUK, Turkey--In an ancient arena where Roman gladiators once fought to the death, two combatans square off in the dust, surround by 5,000 cheering spectators. It¹s the start of camel wrestling season in western Turkey, with matches being fought at the stadium of ancient Ephesus, once one of the major Greco-Roman cities of Asia Minor. With exotic names like Emerald, Black Lightning and New World - or more prosaic ones such as Bulldozer II and Quiltmaker -- the hump-backed beasts, their jaws bound to prevent biting, are goaded into struggling with each other until referees decide the result. That could be victory, if one crushes the other into the camel equivalent of a wrestling ºpinº, or a draw, if they reach a stalemate or if one is injured. The spectators, many with substantial side bets on the outcome, make known their views with boos and cheers. They day is replete with ritual. The title of AGA, a kind of honorary president, is auctioned to the highest bidder, who receives a plaque, a small brass camel and the right to strut about the ring. This time Ismail Sarpkaya wins the honor with a bid of 510,000 liras, about $670. Sarpkaya, a ruddy-faced farmer, explained tha not only wresting is involved. ºLast year we voted Yorganci (Quiltmaker) the most beautiful camel but we will not have that election this year.º Much prestige hangs on the outcome of the bouts and irate owners often protest loudly, with helmeted police sometimes called in to intervene. All the wresting camels are male. Topped by colorfully decorated packs, each is led into the ring by his owner, often with a female camel ahead to enhance his interest in the event. Owners and officials crowd around including a team of seven urgancis--pullers off--for each camel, who stand ready to separate them, a crucial role in the unusual sport. Camelmen, as they call themselves, carouse until nearly dawn in two bars on the main strip in Selcuk, the town close to the ruins of Ephesus. Most drink raki, the traditional Turkish anise liquor. The main heavyweight bout of the Selcuk tournament--and the one most of the crowd had been waiting for--ended quickly. Referees called a draw when Bulldozer II, after quickly getting on top, gave Quiltmaker a bloody nose. But with 10 to 15 tournaments each winter season in this area of western Turkey, the old rivals will soon meet again. ************************** Subject: Residency in New England Forms for NH and MA Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire NAME: _______________________________________ ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary) White ( ) TYPE OF CARS OWNED: Pickup Truck ( ) You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( ) CAR EQUIPMENT: Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( ) Playboy air freshener ( ) BUMPER STICKERS: "If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( ) "Bush/Quayle" ( ) "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( ) SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( ) FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( ) Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________ FAVORITE DRUGS: Grass ( ) WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply) Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( ) FAVORITE BEER: Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( ) FAVORITE POLITICIAN: Don't Care ( ) CLUB MEMBERSHIPS: NRA ( ) How Automatic Weapons do you own? 5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( ) FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( ) ***************************************************************** Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts NAME: _____________________________________________________________________ (extra space left due to new social awareness) ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary) Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( ) African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( ) Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( ) (specify, so we can help you form a political action group) ___________________________________________________ TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two): SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( ) You don't own any *American* cars, do you? NO ( ) CAR EQUIPMENT: Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( ) Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( ) Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( ) BUMPER STICKERS: "You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( ) "Greenpeace" ( ) "Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( ) "Farms not Arms" ( ) SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( ) (note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress) FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( ) Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________ FAVORITE DRUGS: Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( ) WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply) The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( ) Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( ) WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?: (check all that apply) Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( ) Flag Burning ( ) FAVORITE BEER: Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( ) Latest trendy brand ( ) FAVORITE POLITICIAN: Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( ) Joe Kennedy( ) CLUB MEMBERSHIPS: ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( ) Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( ) Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( ) Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( ) Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose their jobs? YES ( ) How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo? 100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( ) How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( ) (note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat) FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( ) *start* 17878 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 8 Jun 92 17:14:10 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.9 From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From: Josh_Cohen@3mail.3com This one is a true story from someone I know who serves in the National Guard and was called down to LA during the riots. -------------- Best story I heard ... The Marines were backing-up L.A.P.D. on a call that someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!". ---------------------------------------------------- From Steven Waltman: From the Rochester _Democrat and Chronicle_, 4/14/92 Pittsburgh (AP) - If the _Titanic_ went down today, a little more than a third of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate families, according to a newspaper survey. "There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people interviewed for the _Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's_ "Titanic Test." Everybody would be just trying to get the hell off the boat." The _Titanic's_ April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including 1,329 men; about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male survivors were scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats with "women and children first." The _Post-Gazette_ asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers. The survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of male passengers said they would give up their seats to her, but only 8 percent to Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario Lemieux. ---------------------------------------------------- From Troy Cheek | Stewart & Nimoy in '92! It's Logical! | THC8650@TNTECH.bitnet ---------------------------------------------------- From: chai@hawk.cs.ukans The great psychologist Dr. Horst Zilber was the first person to do a scientific study on the fundamental principle of human psychology that causes the herd instinct -- you know, the tendency of people in large groups to do the same thing that they would not do individually. He called it the "rinding" effect, because just as the rind of a fruit keeps it together as a cohesive whole, this psychological effect keeps mobs together. Well, western science being what it is, this effect got Dr. Zilber's name tacked on to it. So, every crowd has a Zilber Rinding. ---------------------------------------------------- From a sig file on rec.humor: Somebody please help the Democrats find their brain; it appears they've lost it. Or perhaps the socialists stole it, needing one for themselves? ---------------------------------------------------- From Martin Leisner: I bought Thomas J. Watson's "Father & Son" (haven't read it yet). Looking up Software Engineering in the index, I saw listed "Fred Brooks". On page 363, this is what Watson has to say on software: Meanwhile to write the basic software for the 360 line bogged down alarmingly. The more the software was delayed, the more programmers we assigned ; by 1966 we had 2000 people working on it, and the cost of developing the software was beginning to exceed the cost of the hardware. We learned the hard way one of the great secret of computer engineering: throwing people at a software project is not the way to speed it up. A piece of software is a unified thing; if you try to break up the job of writing it among too many people, it takes more time to corrdinate them than the division of labor saves. Or as Fred Brooks, the droll engineering genius from North Carolina who led the project , once wrote, "the bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned." ---------------------------------------------------- From prasad_gharpure@gatormail.cvrti.utah.edu: Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father : !!!??????!!! ---------------------------------------------------- From: neumann@csl.sri What is this? __ __ __ / \/ \/ \ \__/\__/\__/ / \/ \/ \ \__/\__/\__/ / \/ \/ \ \__/\__/\__/ / \/ \/ \ \__/\__/\__/ \ NO 3 Answer: Chicken-wire nitrate. [VERY OLD] ---------------------------------------------------- From: MBS116@psuvm.psu.edu (Michael B. Smith) Subject: Enterprise-D Warranty(funny) TOP 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty --------------------------- 21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse. 20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88". 19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays. 18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book. 17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginnig with "w". 16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room. 15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering. 14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward. 13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS. 12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side, which become to steep for crew to climb. 11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board. 10: Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears. 9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese. 8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer. 7: Bug in main computer speech proccessor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters. 6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice. 5: Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed. 4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it." 3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program. 2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains. 1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn. ---------------------------------------------------- From: SHURTLEFF_ERIC@tandem ------------ ORIGINAL ATTACHMENT -------- SENT 05-26-92 FROM LUSTIG_DOROTHY @SUPPORT (Lust*) SENT 06-04-92 FROM DAVIS_MICHAEL_J @CONN 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. To be continued.... ************************** Joseph Hazelwood, convicted of misdemeanor negligence for leaving the bridge of the Exxon Valdez before it ran aground and created the nation's worst oil spill, has been hired to teach students at the Maritime College of the State University of New York how to stand watch! ----------- What's Next? o The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation o The Mike Tyson Charm School o The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service o The Saddam Hussein Military Academy o The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics o The Daryl Gates/Al Sharpton Study on Race Relations o The Don King Barber College o The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course o The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy --from the Mercury News Editorial page..... ************************** George Bush's Limousine: "Discover America & Tell Me What It's Like" (People are always proud of their accomplishments): Imelda Marcos' Car: "Ask Me About My Dead Husband" Jerry Brown's vehicle: "My Other Car is a Spaceship" Jimmy Swaggart's car: "CAUTION: This vehicle makes frequent stops" Swaggart's OTHER car in Los Angeles - (a Jaguar): "TV evangelists do it religously" Michael Jackson's car: "Have you hugged YOURSELF today?" from a Yugo: "Eat My Rust" Wilt Chamberlain's car: "I (heart) Anything That Moves" Dr. Kervorkian's car: "I'd rather be dead" ---------------------------------------------------- From a friend of my fathers at HP: ************************** Subject: CSY/IND Shocker !!! HP NEWSGRAM All last names have been truncated to avoid embarassement to the innocent. Saturday, 29 Feb 1992 Cupertino, CA: IND support engineer Marjorie S. has accepted a friendly takeover bid by CSY Marketing whizboy Brad W.. The couple has agreed in principle to a merger to be finalized during this summer. Ms. S.'s family is delighted, which is bound to surprise those who know Mr. W. well. Mr. W.'s brothers could not be reached for comment, as today is their day for treatment at the methadone clinic. The couple has not yet decided on a ring, a fact which Mr. W. blames on CSY Marketing poobah Glenn O.. "Glenn often chains his people to their desks until they come up with a new way to conjugate the terms Open and Client/Server. The best I could do recently was 'We openly lead in client- serverosity', and Glenn left me chained to my desk for four straight weeks". IND support mucky-muck Dwight P. commented, "We knew Marjorie was running with a bad crowd, but this is worse than we thought." The rest of Ms. S.'s team is planning to discuss this situation during their weekly group therapy. Tentative plans are for a very small merger ceremony to be held at Lake Tekapo, South Island, New Zealand, followed by a reception / drunken brawl to be held in the Cupertino area. ************************************* Hewlett Packard is a great big organization that manufactures HP watches, gas chromatographs, calculators, pen and pencil sets, Packard automobiles, and open client/server distributed scalable standards-based ergonomic enterprise-wide mainframe-class stuff. Hewlett-Packard employs heaps and heaps of people, and 1991 revenues were, in the words of John Y., "bigger than a breadbox". ---------------------------------------------------- From Victor Schwartz's list: ************************** (From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":) Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six, presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend. ************************** The following item is LEGITIMATE ... from a feature in the April 20 issue of NewsWeek Magazine entitled "Ideas for Home Maintenance and Repair". (i.e., "I'm not making this up!") "When a (light)bulb breaks in its socket, jam a piece of raw potato into the bulb's base and then twist it out." (There's a WONDERFUL illustration!") ************************** (Excerpted from James Lileks' "Note of a Nervous Man":) Motorcycles are a leading cause of head injuries, you know. When I told my parents I was getting one, I heard a sharp CRACK on the other end of the line - the sound of my mother fainting, and hitting her head on the table. Helmets, I believe, should be mandatory for all parent whose children tell them they are buying a motorcycle. It's not like I'm buying a real motorcycle. What I want is a scooter, a moped. Something with the horsepower of a blender. My reasons are solid, logical: scooters get around 73,000 miles per gallon; if you ever run out of gas, you just spit in the tank and it'll go another hundred miles. They're cheap to park; some models double as keychains and fit right in your pocket. But people just don't see scooters, my friends tell me. At first, I found this hard to believe. Most scooters are painted either radioactive-bubblegum-pink or severed-artery-red. Short of maneuvering alongside an open car window and putting your thumb into a driver's eye, scooter colors ensure you'll be noticed. Or so I thought. ... Evidently (scooters) represent the vanguard of Stealth technology. All the more reason to buy one. If times get tough, I can start holding up convenience stores and escaping Zorro-like on my invisible scooter. The only bad part about scooters is buying them. You have to go to a place that sells Real Motorcycles and admit you want something that goes "putt-putt." "There's the Barbie," (the salesman said,) pointing to a pink scooter. "Top speed of .05 mph. Runs on watch batteries." I said I wanted something more powerful, and he pointed to a scooter with "MY FIRST HOG" painted on the gas tank. "Pull this cord here, and it makes real motorcycle noises. You can pretend to give it oil with this bottle and nipple here, and half an hour later it wets oil on the garage floor. Very realistic." "Something bigger, please." "How about the EMLC 30? Perfect for a guy like you. Sporty, sexy, WITH-IT. Not powerful enough to get you in trouble, but peppy enough to give an illusion of recaptured youth." I said I'd take it. After I'd signed the papers, I asked him just what EMLC stood for, anyway. "Early mid-life crisis," he said. Every spring we sell a million of 'em." ************************** (From this morning's San Jose News:) LEARNING TO USE THE INTERNET BY THE (COMIC) BOOK The instructionally Challenged among us no doubt remember Classics Illustrated, the colorful, lavishly drawn alternative to all those boring Russian novels you were assigned in high school. Now the comic-book approach to teaching complex subjects has moved to the high-tech world of computer networks, thanks to the folks at the California Education and Research Federation network in San Diego, known in networkland as CERFnet. Last summer, the folks at CERF decided they needed something besides the complicated manuals to introduce new users to the nationwide Internet computer network, which of late has been attracting computer novices. So the organization turned to some local high school students to develop what became the first Internet comic book: The Adventures of Captain Internet and CERF Boy in the LAN (ouch) That Time Forgot (double ouch). In the book, the intrepid hero Captain Internet and his alter ego Diana Domain battle the evil forces of Count Crackula. CERF hopes the comic will help students at all levels understand the lingo of the Internet, although as the teacher warned you about Classics Illustrated, it's no substitute for reading the real thing. The comic has been so successful - only about 200 copies are left of a printing of 10,000 or so - that CERF is preparing the second volume of the series, which with any luck should be out by June. The title: Raiders of the Lost ARP (the last being an acronym for a communications protoco, and not, unfortunately, Agonizing Recurring Pun.) You can get your copy of the first issue by sending electronic mail on the Internet to help@cerf.net. Or, for true novices, try a more familiar network: Call toll-free (800) 876-CERF. ************************** (From today's San Jose News:) Danielle Ammaccapane picks up $180,000 Sunday for winning a golf tournament. She leads the LPGA (Ladies Pro Golfers Association) in earnings for the season with more than $350,000 and already has surpassed $1 million in career winnings early in her fifth year on the pro tour. On the other hand, Algerians finished 1-2 in the world camel marathon Sunday in Tunisia, a 26-mile race over sand dunes and steppes. The winner's purse: $1,385. ************************** (There is a petition currently circulating in my local school district ... Santa Clara Unified ... to replace ALL SEVEN of the members of the school board. So it was particularly timely to see this quote in the San Jose Mercury News this week.) "First, God created idiots. That was just practice. Then he created school boards." - Mark Twain ************************** The following (large) road sign appears on Interstate Highway 5 near the San Diego Airport: "Cruise Ships use Airport Exit" (Editorial note: I would certainly hope that if any cruise ships are going along Interstate 5 at that point, they would use the VERY NEXT exit!) (Editorial note #2: In case you couldn't parse the INTENTION of the above sign ... there are some cruise ships along the docks (a much more logical place for cruise ships than an interstate highway!) in San Diego, not far from the airport. These cruise ships are open to the public as a tourist attraction, so the sign is for the benefit of the TOURISTS, not the cruise ship captains!) *start* 15342 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 16 Jun 92 16:24:46 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 8.A From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Sarah M. Elkins sifted the following from rec.humor: From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov) -"How many are there working at your office ?" -"About one third." -"For how long have you been working at that office ?" -"Ever since they threatened to fire me." He arrived home after his first day of work at the office, saying: -"Oh, that boss of ours is horrible, he's forcing us to work for four". Wiping away the sweat from his forehead he added: -"It's at least good there are twelve of us." He had decided to take the risk of working, so he grabbed a coin and said: -"If I get a head I'll go listen to some records, if I get a tail I'll go out for a beer, and, if it falls on the edge I'll go get a job." ************************** From: bprk_ss@troi.cc.rochester.edu (Brian Park) Subject: Re: Political correct again I always liked metabolically challenged: dead ************************** from fortune (Unix): Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window... ---------------------------------------------------- Peter Yee sifted the following from rec.humor: ************************** Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical mechanics, died in 1906, by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn to study statistical mechanics. Perhaps it will be wise to approach the subject cautiously. -- David L. Goodstein [ _States of Matter_ ] ************************** Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s. He carefully measured brain weights, and after many years' accumulation of much data he observed that the average weight of a man's brain was 1350 grams, that of a woman only 1250 grams. This at once, he argued, was infallible proof of the mental superiority of men over women. Throughout his life he defended this hypothesis with the conviction of a zealot. Being the true scientist, he specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive collection. The postmortem examination elicited the interesting fact that his own brain weighed only 1245 grams. -- Scientific American [March 1992] ************************** But in physics I soon learned to scent out the paths that led to the depths, and to disregard everything else, all the many things that clutter up the mind, and divert it from the essential. The hitch in this was, of course, the fact that one had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examination, whether one liked it or not. -- Albert Einstein ---------------------------------------------------- Michael Rutkaus sifted the following from rec.humor: ************************** A bull behind a tapestry is when you can't see the taurus through the frieze." ************************** What's the first number in the English language that uses the letter "A"? The correct answer is.... don't peek if you want to figure it out. one thousAnd ************************** mccauley@bucknell.edu (robert mccauley `93) writes: > ISDN > Imaginary Services Delivered Nowhere > It Still Doesn't Network > I Still Don't kNow It Still Does Nothing ************************** -"Tell me, doctor, how much time do I have left to live ?" -"Well, it's hard to say, but if I was you, I wouldn't start watching any serials on TV." ************************** What happens when you eat uranium? You get atomic ache. ************************** If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first? The brunette, because the blond has to ask directions on the way down. ---------------------------------------------------- From Jeff Knodel ************************** From: BACS Data Communications Group Subject: Re: TRIVIA The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt. ************************** From: lawsonj@cs.man.ac.uk (Julian Lawson) Subject: My sister told me this and thought it was very funny....? What's brown and sitcky? A stick. >> This is probably a comment upon my sister. ************************** From: auerbach@sleepy.bmd.trw.com Subject: Steven Wright or not? Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I asked myself: "Where the hell is my roof?" ************************** From: captainm@tz.wimsey.bc.ca (Captain Maniac) A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn doing yardwork. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him $100 to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?' ************************** From: ppoblete@pincoya.dcc.uchile.cl (Patricio Poblete) Subject: Re: Fax paper curled up A few years ago, my wife was workins as a secretary for the head manager of an American bank in Chile. The bank was conducting secret negotiations with another important bank. One day, she received from the other bank a fax of a certain very sensitive document, followed by a call from the secretary there, telling her that, because the document was confidential, her boss requested that they should return the document after reading it... by faxing it back! My wife tried to argue with them, but they were firm. So she faxed it back. ************************** From: sahmed@occs.cs.oberlin.edu (Saif Ahmed) Subject: T.V. ratings Recently in L.A. a test pattern airing at 2:00 a.m. on a local tv station KTLA got higher ratings than the 10:00 pm News broadcast by two competing stations. ************************** From: mcsweinberg@memstvx1.memst.edu Subject: Clean Easter Joke. What does the Easter Bunny get for making baskets. 2 or 3 points like everyone else. ************************** From: mikkelson@thewav.enet.dec.com (snopes) Subject: Re: Churchill and French President Charles de Gaulle, a six-foot-four-inch humorless Frenchman with "a head like a banana and hips like a woman" (as Hugh Dalton remarked), did nothit it off with the much more compact and sparkling Churchill. Each had his own ego problem; each saw himself as the embodiment of his nation. On one occasion, during dinner at Chequers, Churchill was informed by his butler that de Gaulle wished to speak to him on the phone. Churchill, in the middle of drinking his soup, refused to take the call. De Gaulle, vehemently persisting through the intermediary of the butler, eventually persuaded the British leaderto abandon his soup. When Churchill returned to the table ten minutes later, he was still crimson with rage. "Bloody de Gaulle! He had the impertinence to tell me that the French regard him as the reincarnation of Joan of Arc." Pause. "I found it necessary to remind him that we had to burn the first one." ************************** From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu A LONG DROP Two men were working near the ledge of a cliff when one fell off. His friend quick, to react, calls him on the walkie talkie; "Are you OK, any bonesbroken?" "Yes, I'm OK, No bones broken," answered the man. "Well, come on back up." "I can't. I'm still falling." ************************** At the post office a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it took three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?" ************************** A man dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow goes to a lawyer. Lawyer: "Hmm, so your husband died without writing a will. Did he say anything to you before he died?" Widow: "Yes, he said `Mary, you can't even hit the broad side of a barn with that thing, so put it down' ." ************************** From: Mike_Quigley@mindlink.bc.ca (Mike Quigley) Subject: More Star Trek Jokes [selected] Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse. Bones: He's Ed, Jim. Kirk: What club is the patient vactioning with, Bones? McCoy: He's Med, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast? Bones: He's bread, Jim. Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett? McCoy: He's Jed, Jim. KIrk: Bones, what about ensign Pb? Bones: He's Lead, Jim. Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes! Bones: He's fled, Jim. ************************** From: mfcmeach@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Jo Meachem) Subject: For our friends overseas... The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world. "Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think there's yet another wee bairn to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!", cried the doctor. The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?" ************************** From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU Subject: Dave Barry on cats According to Dave Barry--- "Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means:"Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know." ************************** [Selected PC Phrases] cerebrally challenged : stupid chronologically gifted : old client of the correctional system : prisoner economically marginalized : poor follicularly challenged : bald melanin-impoverished : white motivationally dispossessed : lazy person of substance : fat person vehicle-appearance specialist : car washer Street activity index : crime rate Fiscally challenged institution : bankrupt savings and loan Residentially challenged : homeless Aesthetically challenged : ugly Geological correction : earthquake ************************** From: bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church) Subject: Re: Stupid instructions I'm a skydiver and was looking at the emergency chutes that passengers and pilots are required to wear in a jump plane. The tag says, fall away from aircraft and tug handle vigorously. ************************** An accoustic-guided submunition call the BAT may be good against tanks, but not against an F-117. A reader who works on the stealth fighter in Saudi Arabia says bats (the natural ones) occasionally work their way into F-117 hangers [sic]. One night a hungry bat turned right into an F-117 rudder and fell stunned to the floor. He flew away groggily, leaving behind a heightened impression of the aircraft's stealth. "I don't know what the radar return is for the vertical tails of the F-117 but I always thought it had to be more than an insect's," the reader said. "I guess I was wrong." There may be some "science" in this -- the ultrasound wavelengths used by bats are roughly the same as X-band radar. ************************** From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU Subject: Baby humor From Reader's Digest, June 1992: I grew up in a non-musical family - only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune. So, I've restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby. After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine. ************************** From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU Subject: Small Surprise More from Reader's Digest: My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three- year-old Eric's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear. Eric was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!" ************************** From: nash@menu.visus.com (Richard V. Nash) Subject: Interview Questions This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one." ************************** From: captainm@tz.wimsey.bc.ca (Captain Maniac) Did you hear the one about the obese, alcoholic, transvestite? --- All he wanted to do was eat, drink, and be Mary! ************************** knauer@knauer.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase) >From Jay Leno (on the Tonight Show): This year, Bill Clinton has the potential to do something that no Democratic candidate in recent years could have done... ... Come in third in the Presidential election. *start* 13592 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 22 Jun 92 16:46:33 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.B From: Cate3 To: Cate3 [Henry - Chris saved the full collection, I've tried to save only stuff which seemed new to me.] From: Christopher Neufeld ---------------------------------------------------- This is a collection of quotes found in Analog Science Fiction Magazine and OMNI magazine. I collected those that I found personally witty, incising, or at least fundamental. Any spelling errors are, of course, my own. Jeff The Riffer - October 26th, 1988 ************************** Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy. --John Dewey There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. --Benjamin Dana Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? --Kelvin Throop, III It does not pay a prophet to be too specific. --L. Sprague de Camp -The important thing is never to stop questioning. -We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. -What is inconceivable about the universe is that it is at all conceivable. --Albert Einstein When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. --Arthur C. Clarke When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fevor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right. --Isaac Asimov *Poverty: An unhappy state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. *Statistics: A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing scientific guise. *Unfair competition: Selling cheaper than we do. *Zero defects: The result of shutting down a production line. *Conference: A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of work and the loneliness of thought. *"A survey is being made of this": We need more time to think of an answer. *"Note and initial": Let's spread the responsibility of this. *Program: Any assignment that cannot be completed with on telephone call. *Status quo: The mess we're in. *"Under consideration": We never heard of it. *"Under active consideration": We're searching the files for it. --Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary" Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up. --G.K. Chesterton When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains. --Anonymous Why explore the Universe? It is almost ironic that we should have to ask this question because it is almost as though we have to apologize for our highest attributes... we went to Mars, not because of our technology, but because of our imagination. --Norman Cousins OLTION'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE Bang! ...crumple. --Jery Oltion Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better. --Andre Gide -Cream rises to the top. So does fat. -Computer people have often spoken of the "gigo" effect, meaning "Garbage in--garbage out." What gives some of us chills is the thought of a second meaning of "gigo": "Garbage in--gospel out." It can happen here. -If right-handedness is determined by development of the left side of the brain, is it possible that only left-handed people are in their right mind? -"Freedom" has no meaning of itself. There are always restrictions, be they legal, genetic, or physical. If you don't believe me, try to chew a radio signal. --Kelvin Throop, III I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had to do it over again, I'd call in someone else. --Roland Young It is a faith (not alwaays justified) of theoretical physics that if man proposes what is sufficiently elegant, nature, pleased and flattered, will say yes. --Leon N. Cooper, "Introduction To The Meaning & Structure Of Physics" Better late than before anybody has invited you. --Ambrose Bierce The difference between a rabbit and a rock is the information content, and the difference between a living and a dead rabbit is in the availability or usability of the information. --Dr. John A. Ball To rebel against a powerful political, economic, religious, or social estab- lishment is very dangerous and very few people do it, except, perhaps, as part of a mob. To rebel against the "scientific" establishment, however, is the easiest thing in the world, and anyone can do it and feel enormously brave, without risking as much as a hangnail. Thus, the vast majority, who believe in astrology and think that the planets have nothing better to do than form a code that will tell them whether tomorrow is a good day to close a business deal or not, become all the more excited and enthusiastic about the bilge when a group of astronomers denounces it. --Isaac Asimov If scientific discovery has not been an unalloyed blessing, if it has conferred on mankind the power not only to create but also to annihilate, it has at the same time provided humanity with a supreme challenge and a supreme testing. --John F. Kennedy Even if the propeller had the power of propelling a vessel, it would be found altogether useless in practice, because the power being applied in the stern would be absolutely impossible to make the vessel steer. --Sir William Symonds - British Royal Navy, 1837 Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training. --Anna Freud Well, sometimes, anyway. --The Editor A man about to speak the truth should keep one foot in the stirrup. --Old Mongolian Saying There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for. --Fred Hoyle Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it. --Aubrey Eben There is no knowledge that is not power. --Ralph Waldo Emerson It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. --Stephen A. Kallis, Jr. Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule #1--When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule #2--When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule #3--Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule #4--Apply Rule 1. Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H. Baekeland of Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that the modern miracle substance was used in a wide variety of consumer goods, among them speedboats, dentures and flamingos. Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they were made by other flamingos. --William E. Geist, The New York Times The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And corn flakes and Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins. Leonard Bernstein and living bras are incompatible. And you cannot sustain adult, probing, meaningful drama when the proceedings are interrupted every twelve minutes by a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet paper. --Rod Serling If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops. --Kelvin Throop Put all your eggs in one basket, and WATCH THAT BASKET! --Jerry Buchmeyer Any fully matured science of ecology will have to grapple with the fact that from the ecological point of view, man is one of those animals which is in danger from its too successful participation in the struggle for existence. --Joseph Wood Krutch All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value. --Carl Sagan The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. --Eden Phillpots The human race, to which so many of my readers belong, has been playing at children's games from the beginning, and will probably do it till the end, which is a nuisance for the few people who grow up. And one of the games which it is most attached is called, "Keep tomorrow dark," and which is also named (by the rustics in Shropshire, I have no doubt) "Cheat the Prophet." The players listen very carefully and respectfully to all that the clever men have to say about what is to happen in the next generation. The players then wait until all the clever men are dead, and bury them nicely. Then they go and do something else. That is all. For a race of simple tastes, however, it is great fun. --G.K. Chesterton You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus. --Mark Twain The religion that is afraid of science dishoners God and commits suicide. --Ralph Waldo Emerson Judging a piece of fiction by the quality of its writing without considering its subject matter is like buying a car because it has a pretty paint job, without considering the state of its engine and transmission. --Kelvin Throop If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy. --Kurt Vonnegut Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. --H.G. Wells Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies --Honore de Balzac Intelligence, in diapers, is invisible. And when it matures, out the window it flies. We have to pounce on it earlier. --Stanislaw Lem We will rediscover a [New York City] river so extravagantly polluted that new life forms will emerge from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting rights. --Douglas Adams If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. --Stanley Garn The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever. --Anatole France My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn. --Louis Adamic Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation. --John Tudor The totality is present even in the broken pieces --Aldous Huxley Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth. --Lillian Hellman We are on a threshold of a change in the universe comparable to the transition from nonlife to life. --Hans Moravec (on artificial intelligence) Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. --Max Frisch A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. --Anonymous The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. --William J. Broad Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room. --Blaise Pascal The experimenter who does not know what he is looking for will not understand what he finds. --Claude Bernard "I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us." --Konrad Lorenz "I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." --Neil Armstrong "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber "We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over." --Aneurin Bevan "Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player." --Anonymous "It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." --Woody Allen "In ecology, as in economics, TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch) is intended to warn that every gain is won at som cost. Failure to recognize the "no free linch" law causes the buffalo-hunter mentality syndrome--the unthinking assumption that there will always be plenty because there alwayss has been plenty." --Dr. Robert W. Prehoda "Only a mediocre person is always at his best." --W. Somerset Maugham "Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time." --Dean Acheson "Evolution is what it is. The upper classes have always died out; it's one of the most charming things about them." --Germaine Greer "Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology." --John Tudor "New and stirring things are belittled because if they are not belittled, the humiliating question arises, 'Why then are you not taking part in them?'" --H. G. Wells "There is considerable evidence that great empires and civilizations have been undone not by barbarian invaders but by climatic change." --1977 CIA report "We all worry about the population explosion--but we don't worry about it at the right time." --Arthur Hoppe "Remember when atmospheric contaminants were romantically called stardust?" --Lane Olinghouse *start* 19518 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 29 Jun 92 14:35:15 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.C From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- The following are from: From: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene Spafford) ************************** From: paul%dblegl.atl.ga.us@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno) Subject: Guard frogs As published in the Earthweek column by Steve Newman ... An English pet-shop owner has offered a solution to homeowners looking for the security of a guard dog without the responsibility - a frog that barks. The tiny green and yellow amphibian, from Kirbati and Tuvalu, the former Gilbert and Ellice islands in the Pacific, has been a sellout for a shop in Sunderland, northeast England. "They bark as loud as a dog, but cost a lot less to feed," the shop owner insists. "A two pound bag of crickets will last them a whole month." ************************** From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat) Subject: LA RIOT Bumper Stickers/T-SHirts. Matt Groening had some T-SHirts for the LA Riot in his column Life in Hell. The better ones included: My other car is on Fire. My parents benefited from a 60's style welfare program and all i got was this lousy T Shirt. I used to love LA. A few of us were discussing possible bumper stickers. LA, Its a riot. That's not smog, that's your house. ************************** From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec) Subject: Bumpersticker that Phil Moyer should have (seen on the Schuylkill Distressway at rush hour) "If I had an F-16, I'd be home by now." ************************** From: Patricia O Tuama Subject: congress on the net? In Washington, the chairman of the House Administrative Committee recently said that all House members will have, by next year, full interactive access to users of the Internet computer network well, i'd rather have dan quayle online than the entire congress but does this mean that we'll soon find john glenn in sci.astro, henry hyde in talk.abortion or or jesse helms in rec.arts.fine? ted kennedy in alt.sex.bondage? ************************** From: graham@visionware.co.uk (Graham Porter) Subject: My God a joke in eunet.jokes ! The 7 dwarves go off to the mine and leave Snow White at home. Some time later there's a huge explosion and Snow White goes rushing off to see what's happened. When she gets there all she can hear is this squeaky voice coming from down the mineshaft saying "OS/2 is the Operating System of the future". Thank God she says - at least Dopey is still alive ! ************************** From: Bill.Wisner@EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner) Subject: NOTW The Manitoba, Canada, Natural Resources Minister apologized in February when news got out that the government had saved $1,800 in postage by mailing a fishing survey through the U.S. mails rather than through Canada's. Clerks had gone to Grand Forks, N.D., about 100 miles from the border, to mail the surveys to several thousand U.S. anglers who use Manitoba waters. -- A federal magistrate ruled in November that the Alabama prison policy of allowing female guards to oversee showers by male prisoners is not "cruel and unusual punishment" for the men but a reasonably policy for security and equal employement opportunities for female guards. ************************** From: jsb@panix.com (J. S. B'ach) Subject: School, No Passing So we've all seen the cute ways in which trucks an busses try to tell you not to pass on the right. Coming to mind just now are "Passing Side" on the left rear and "Suicide" on the right, or "Overtaker" left and "Under- taker" right. But yesterday, there was this big bus in front of me and it was called Mr. Bill's Transit. So what did it have on its rear? One side said "Oh No!" the other "Oh Yes". Only thing, was the "Oh Yes" was on the right side. I think Sluggo must have been driving the bus. ************************** From: wisner@abulafia.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner) Subject: NOTW In Atlanta's Fulton County Jail in November, inmates were watching one of their favorite shows, "America's Most Wanted," when a photo came on the screen of a man wanted for murder and arson. Several heads turned around to Jessie Lee Baker, 27, and one inmate said, "Hey, that's you!" Inmates notified authorities, who called the show's producers to report Baker's whereabouts and put the inmates names in for the reward. -- John Dawson, 26, was arrested in South St. Paul, Minnesota, in February after the failure of his alleged elaborate scheme to have sex. Police say he broke into a young woman's apartment just before she arrived, left her a note on the kitchen table, then undressed, put duct tape over his eyes and handcuffed himself to her bed. In the note were instructions that she was to go into her bedroom immediately and have sex with him because a man with a gun had kidnapped him and was waiting to kill yet another person if she refused. Instead, she ran to the police, and Dawson, who had left the key to his chains on the kitchen table, could not free himself before they arrived. ************************** From: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy) Subject: Some funnies for Yucks I found these in the April 1992 issue of "The Working Communicator" Headlines from the ou've-got-to-see-it-to-believe-it' department: >From the Salt Lake City Deseret News: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant >From the Jackson, Mississippi Clarion-Ledger: Suicides asked to reconsider >From the Sacramento Bee: Drug firm ordered to supply women >From the San Francisco Examiner: New Autos to Hit 5 Million >From the Honolulu Pacific Business News: Office Building Permits Plunge ************************** From: one of our correspondents Subject: What's a dollar worth? - check the Big Mac index, says institute Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the D-mark - based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes. The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power. The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile. A simple alternative, now that McDonalds has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said. "A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into D-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said. Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said. Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents. But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said. ************************** From: paul%dblegl.atl.ga.us@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno) Subject: Game Strikes Back! >From the news services... Missouri - A man showing off a turkey he thought he had killed was shot in the leg last week when the wounded bird thrashed around in his car trunk and triggered his shotgun. "The turkeys are fighting back." said Sheriff Ron Skiles. And well they might: It turns out Larry Lands, who was in satisfactory condition in the hospital in Potosi, and his son, Larry Jr., 16, were hunting a week before the start of turkey season and will probably be fined, the sheriff said. ************************** From: Subject: Scientist Trading Card source? Anybody know of an address or phone number to get the Scientist Trading Cards mentioned below? They sound *WayCool*! Anyone know if they've started up a Computer Scientist sub-series? >From an article by Clara Germani in the April 27 Christian Science Monitor: If baseball trading cards have captured the imaginations of generations of American youth, helping to build superstardom for heroes of the country's national pastime, what would happen if someone introduced ... well, scientist trading cards. Probably there would be no stampede of kids memorizing the atomic numbers in the periodic table - instead of earned run averages - to bring U.S. math and science test scores back into the world's top ranks. But ... in a promotion aimed not at youth but at the media, to raise the school's profile in research funding, the Oregon Graduate Institute of Science and Technology last September issued a series of trading cards featuring faculty members, explains Bob Applegate, director of public relations at the institute. "It succeeded beyond our expectations," he says. "Our largest response was unsolicited, from parents, teachers and kids, 9, 10, 11 and 12." More than 300 requests for the trading card series came from kids, parents and teachers. The cards are the same size as baseball trading cards, but ... they feature scientists like Bets Rasmussen, a chemist who studies elephant reproduction and lists water skiing and scuba diving as hobbies; and Ronald Cole, a windsurfing, espresso-drinking computer scientist who develops voice-operated computers. Donovan Cahill, a 13-year-old from Beaverton, Ore., said he read about the cards in a magazine and ordered them immediately. "I collect baseball cards ... These (science trading cards) are neat because they have lots more information on them and you can compare them and read about them," says the Oakland A's fan who wants to be a chemist when he grows up. ************************** From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: You can get a degree in that? >From the San Francisco Chronicle, page E3, 22 May 1992: The Center for Media and Public Affairs studied [the Carson show] from 1989 through this month and found that Leno averaged 9.6 political jokes per night compared with Carson's 6.4. And Carson monologue scholar Herb Press says, "When Leno's on every night, the jokes will carry even more weight because frequency and continuity amplify controversies around particular personalities or issues." Press, of the University of Florida Information and Publication services, earned his master's degree for a 1982 study of Carson's monologues. ************************** From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: A Kinder and Gentler MPG >From the Wall Street Journal (around April 21st, 1992) "A Restless Loner On a Custom Bike: It's HAL on Wheels" "This goes against everything I believe in," he [Steve Roberts] says of the 7-miles-per-gallon vehicle. He adds, though, that "I once calculated that it gets 1.2 light years per cubic mile of gasoline. It sounds better that way." ************************** From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 Subject: Duo use tatoos instead of rings to wed >From the San Antonio Express-News 4/12/92 - Kathy Abbott wore an off-white antique lace gown at her wedding in East Rutherford, N.J. The groom, Tom McLaughlin, wore a red tank top - all the better to show off arms tattooed with figures of Old West saloons and American Indians. They signified the permanence of their marriage - his third, her fourth - by having their ring fingers tattooed. "It has more meaning," said McLaughlin, a 37-year-old truck driver. "You can't loose it." In any other setting, their wedding Friday would be considered unusual. But it was more than appropriate at the 13th annual National Tattoo Convention. ************************** From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 Subject: Parliament is a den of vipers >From Deutsche Presse Agentur - DHAKA, Bangladesh - Women who can charm snakes are on standby as the Bangladeshi Parliament begins its summer session. Eight deadly cobras have been caught in the sprawling building since last week, when frightened deputies fled the building following a snake alarm. Police and firefighters failed to entice the reptiles from their lairs, and the snake charmers were called in. Abul Hussain, who caught three of the cobras, said more could be lurking in the building. "It is difficult to say how many snakes are still holed up in the building, but it seems several families of cobras moved in during the winter for hibernation when Parliament was not in session," Hussain said. Some deputies are taking no chances and have hired their own snake charmers, officials said. ************************** From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec) Subject: Would you want this guy to plan your surgery? Ring. Ring. Ring. "Cardiothoracic Imaging, Rick speaking." "Hi. This is Doctor , over at CHOP." (CHOP=Children's Hospital of Philly) "Howdy. What can I do for you?" "I'm logged into my account here, and I want to know how to run the programs." "Well, the machines there are exactly the same as the machines here at HUP, so just do whatever you normally do." (HUP=Hospital of UPenn) "Yes, but my data's on sequoia." "Well, sequoia's over here at HUP, and there's no network connection between HUP and CHOP. You'll need to take it over on tape or optical disc." "But I just want to load my data from the disk." "I understand that, but there's no *wire* between the machines." "Well, couldn't you write a program?" [The frightening thing is the number of programmers who would try.... --spaf] ************************** From: Mike O'Brien Subject: Valentine's Day To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us Someone sez: ]It's much worse when a horse steps on your foot, you develop a big black ]mark under your big toenail, and then you get to watch it for months ]while it grows out further and further until... ] ]... you get to clip that part off and there's nothing much gross about ]it. It's much weirder when you've been fast-talked into taking a course in handling exotic animals, and now they've gotten to the part of the course where it's time to learn how to saddle a camel, and here you are holding the bridle when the camel decides it's tired of being over here, it's time to be over there. So it goes over there. Now, horses have these short thick necks and camels have these long skinny necks, but you can pull a horse's head down toward the ground and it will stop every time. You can pull a camel's head as hard as you like till you're just hanging on the bridle like a Christmas tree ornament (and a really ugly one too) and the camel will not move its head down an inch but will just keep striding along on those improbable legs with the ball-and-socket knee joints. Except I didn't because the camel stepped on my foot. Now, this is not what you'd expect. A camel's foot, due to the fact that it's designed to walk on sand and all like that, is like a throw pillow with a Buick tied to the top. I was wearing heavy work boots and I didn't even know what had happened; I just couldn't move my foot. But my upper body was hanging onto the bridle and it was moving, oh yes. Just like a really fine slapstick film I tilted sideways further and further and further, and about the time the camel finally picked up that foot, it didn't pick up that foot after all, because the stride of a camel is about 850 miles or so. I was practically horizontal and my arms were in Topeka before my feet were able to leave San Bernardino. I never did get that particular camel saddled, that particular time. That's about when it started to rain. [And you thought *you* had strange experiences! --spaf] ************************** From: Mike O'Brien Subject: Valentine's Day To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us >>It's much weirder when you've been fast-talked into taking a course in >>handling exotic animals, and now they've gotten to the part of the course >>where it's time to learn how to saddle a camel ... > >Might we have a little background on that, please? I, for one, am both >fascinated and surprised to discover that there even *is* such a >course. Were ostrich rides included as part of the fun? Ostriches. Don't get me started on ostriches. The only thing you have to know about an ostrich is that they can only kick forwards. Most of the time, ostriches are not facing you. They are facing the other way, and getting smaller. Rapidly. Very rapidly. You catch ostriches in a pen the same way you catch ostriches in the wild, which is the same way my uncle used to catch rabbits: by a form of triangulation. Find two other like-minded people who have not yet actually been committed, and surround the ostrich. Each time it turns to get away, one person runs in front of it, and the other two move up from behind. In theory, one person will eventually get close enough to grab it. Now, you can't actually grab these godforsaken featherdusters by the most convenient handle, which is to say, by the neck. If you do, you'll instantly kill a very valuable property. They can't take that. No, you have to grab them around the brisket and drape one arm over the back to grab the front of the wing on the opposite side. Then you get to hang on, because while no one older than six can actually RIDE an ostrich, any full-grown man can be DRAGGED by one, no problem. This man's job is simple: to slow the ostrich down enough that one of the other two people can catch up and add his weight to the pile. TWO people CAN stop an ostrich. Actually GETTING to this stage has to be seen to be believed. This is the ONLY time in my life when I have actually jumped at something so fast and so hard that, missing, I turned a complete forward somersault on the ground and came up running. Trouble is, I had also lost my glasses, right where the ostrich chose to do this panicky little two-step, which also had to be seen to be believed. I collected on my one piece of luck that day: all two hundred pounds of ostrich missed my glasses. I jammed them on my face and kept running. And running. When we eventually got to Stage Two, the ostrich reached a stage of its own. It sat down. Now, while two people can stop an ostrich, not even all three can carry one, and this one had its landing gear locked in the "up" position. The claim was that just lifting up on the ostrich would make it stand up. No. In fact, to my amazement and by dint of extreme physical output we lifted that sucker clear of the ground, and that stupid little chicken-head with the great big eyeballs just kept its legs tucked firmly up underneath and looked at us, eye to eye. We set it back down. About five minutes later it stood up on its own. We did too; we didn't have a lot of choice. After that we were sort of able to walk it around to where we wanted it. I went home and scraped off the ostrich dust. I still have a couple of plumes on my wall. They're looking a little sad now, but not nearly as sad as I looked that day. The Dance of the Hours in "Fantasia" has never looked the same to me, after that. *start* 14917 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 6 Jul 92 13:29:25 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.D From: Cate3 To: Cate3 Selections from rec.humor.funny: ************************** Subject: A big 2 on the Pizza Meter From: prang@ssc-bee.boeing.com [Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential enemy cannot guess what you're about to do] >From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991: ------ PIZZA INTELLIGENCE: AN UPDATE Earlier this year we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House. Pizza orders increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East. According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter" registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by one; the White House ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven. The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two orders, and they were quickly cancelled. ------ Ron Wanttaja prang@ssc-bee ************************** From: johnl@iecc.cambridge.ma.us (John R. Levine) Subject: High finance >From a charity politico comedy club event, quoted in the Boston Globe. Ira Jackson, an officer at the Bank of Boston which has had severe problems with bad loans, on their new program of loans to small businesses: "We make loans to large businesses, then wait six months." ************************** From: bean@putter.wpd.sgi.com (Bean Anderson) Subject: When you've gotta go .. An airline pilot told me this ... He was flying some non-english speaking business men on a private plane when one of them indicated that he needed to pee. The pilot explaned that the bathroom was behind the curtain and where there was a funnel to pee into. When done, one should pull the handle to flush. A few minutes later the same fellow was back up front with his pants down around his knees, his tie blown over his shoulder, and a white stripe going up the front of his body. And in his hand was ... the fire extinquisher. ************************** From: lee@puck.mport.com Subject: Hackers vs. Users After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User: A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it. ************************** From: ptully@bigbird.cs.ohiou.edu (Patrick Tully) Subject: Engineering Top Ten List! This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a collective group of students. Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer 1. Extremely Good Looking 2. High Starting Salary 3. Free Body Diagrams 4. Looks Good On A Resume' 5. Can Calculate Head Pressure 6. Help With Your Math Homework 7. Parents Will Approve 8. We Know How To Handle Stress And Strain In Our Relationships 9. Find Out What Those Other Buttons On Your Calculator Do 10. The World Does Revolve Around Us... We Pick The Coordinate System ************************** From: sutherla@cadehp14.eng.utah.edu (mathew sutherland) Subject: Dog of a joke Seen on Pavlov's door: Knock. Don't ring bell. ************************** From: kskelm@uccs.edu (I GRADUATED, and there's a 75% chance YOU DIDN'T! Haha!) On the second day of failures grabbing the satellite, Peter Brinkley was explaining the situation, and he very casually announced that among the suggestions NASA was receiving to catch it was that they should use suction cups. ************************** From: WEHR%EED1.decnet@srlvx1.srl.ford.com (EED1::WEHR) Subject: Frantic father-to-be Heard on the WRIF morning radio show in Detriot: A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" a voice queries. "No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!" ************************** Date: Fri, 12 Jun 92 19:30:4 EDT From: perley@easygoer.crd.ge.com (Donald P Perley) Subject: We'll get around to it One liner, heard on radio. Did you know that March is national procrastination week? ************************** From: hawk.cs.ukans.edu!billk@apple (Bill Kinnersley) Subject: The INfamous Bernoulli Trials [Original.] [Prerequisite: Some knowledge of probability theory, or consent of instructor.] Q. Define "Bernoulli Trials" A. John and his brother Jacob Bernoulli, both Professors of Mathematics at he University of Basel, Switzerland in the late 1600's. Their interests turned to the Theory of Probability, and in 1694 they were accused of organized gambling. In a well-publicized courtroom appearance, John Bernoulli accused the judge of bias, but was overruled. He then demanded that he and his brother be tried *independently*, and this request was granted. The verdict was a tossup. ************************** Subject: Ross Perot: 4 East Pieces From: mad5c@birch.cs.virginia.edu Richard Bond, Chairman of the Republican National Convention, on "Face the Nation", said this of Ross Perot: "He's had four positions on taxes in the last 30 days: 1) Let's cut 'em, 2) let's study 'em, 3) let's raise 'em, and 4) I never said that. " Which of course puts him two postions ahead of George Bush. ************************** Subject: Perot Taco From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu (Phil Corless) A Tex-Mex restaurant in Texas is selling The Perot Taco. Nobody knows what's in it, but they love it anyway. ************************** Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: PER*T A friend at work brought in this bumper sticker: I'm certain that you've seen a number of bumper stickers supporting H. Ross Perot that say PER*T with red and blue letters, well there is a _new_ bumper sticker that says N*T with the same style red and blue lettering. ************************** Subject: hotel instructions From: lrb@alex.ctrg.rri.uwo.ca (Lance R. Bailey) >From the Radisson Metrodome in Minneapolis, MN: To Our Guests: For your convenience, our guest rooms have two phone jacks. The first jack is located behind the writing desk while the second jack is located behind the bed. If you would like assistance in moving your phone to a different jack, please dial "0" and an operator will assist you. I can imagine how well phone support of moving the phone works: Operator: hello? Yes, sir, having trouble moving the phone? Well it is quite simple, just depress the little tab on the jack and pull on the... Sir? SIR? ************************** From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson) Subject: More Phone Jokes Based on ther message on how to deal with stockbrokers who try to sell you their garbage by calling you right before lunch break, here is a similar story based on one very boring afternoon at home with a Long-Distance Company . RING RING RING Me: Hello? SM: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How are you today, sir? Me: Fine. SM: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using? Me: Duuuh... I duuno.... SM: You don't know? Well how would you like to be hooked up with the best sattelite phone network of the 80's? We use- Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my freind from, uh, far away? SM: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best- Me: He lives in Pango Pango... SM: Yes, I see. Well you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll- Me: He has a lizard you know.... his name is Ralph. SM: I see, well you can- Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree. SM: Well- Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh... leaves. SM: Well, you will save money by using our new optical- Me: Save money? Really? SM: Of course! And if you- Me: Well, how much is it per yard? SM: Pardon me? Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here... SM: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you- Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof? SM: Ah, no. You see, it works like this- Me: 'Cause my friend Tom got one of them black dishes that you put on your roof... and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad... SM: Well, me don't actually come to your house- Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did... SM: If you could give me a minute to explain the proceess- Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango? I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finnaly gave me his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something. ************************** From: geoff@pmafire.UUCP (Geoff Allen) Subject: More exam humor To contribute to the exam humor that's shown up here recently.... (This is true, told to me by a chemistry professor at Idaho State University.) The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam: An age-old question is ``How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?'' Answer that question given the following: Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a gold atom in which to dance. The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of 0.5 mm. Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem. The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the following answer: I assume that angels do not exist. The answer is 0. ************************** From: langer@sfu.ca (Steve Langer) Subject: Pigs have wings, too... In an article about the merits of zoos, the Georgia Straight, a free Vancouver weekly, reports Dr. Peter Crowcroft of the department of zoology at the University of Texas is a former director of zoos. In a UBC lecture earlier sponsored by the Vancouver Institute earlier this year, he said: "You cannot overestimate the ignorance of the average person. We once did a very interesting experiment. We had an empty pen with a barn at the back. We left the barn door open and put up a sign that read: 'UNICORN. EXTINCT DUE TO EDUCATION. FEEDS ON FLOWER PETALS. ATTRACTED TO VIRGINS.' Most people that came along tried to peer in the open door, convinced that the unicorn was hiding somewhere in the barn. Except for one little boy who said to his father, 'But Daddy! There's no such thing.' To which Daddy replied, 'Don't be stupid. Can't you read the sign?'" ************************** From: RICHARD@lane.cc.ukans.edu (Richard Kershenbaum) Subject: Freshman Physics and Heavy Boots The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas: THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of elementary mechanics and gravity: 13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it go, it will: (a) float away (b) float where it is (c) move sideways (d) fall to the ground (e) none of the above 25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because: (a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon (b) the Moon has gravity (c) they wore heavy boots (d) they had safety ropes (e) they had spiked shoes The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question was generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test: 57% got it right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right. So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but did not get #13 right! The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions proved to be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the test. On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally chose answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes at 27%. A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about things they had never studied in the class. Adrian Melott ************************** From: adb@herboid.UUCP (Anthony DeBoer) Subject: The Normalcy of Living in Drainage Culverts (From the news on CFNY FM 102 this morning): The police in Sarnia, Ontario, recently received a call that a man had been seen living in a drainage culvert. They promptly dispatched two of their finest to check out this report. The officers did indeed find a man living in a culvert, and attempted to reason with him. "Sir," they said, "it's not normal to be living inside of a drainage culvert." The man pulled a piece of paper from his sack of posessions, and replied that he had just been released from a mental institution, and had a certificate, signed by an expert in the field, saying that he was perfectly sane. "Do either of you have one?", he asked the officers, who were left speechless. ************************** From: botteron@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Carol J. Botteron) Subject: Celebrity Endorsements Recently Colonel Oliver North was in Boston and (among other things) visited a radio station (WBZ) to appear on a talk show. When it was time for a commercial, the host handed him the copy and North read it. The ad was for the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. The image of Ollie North selling teddy bears got me thinking about other unlikely combinations of spokesperson and product: George Bush for an accounting firm: "Is your family's economy in trouble?" Mario Cuomo for light beer: "It tastes great. No, it's less filling. No, it ..." Ronald Reagan for a memory improvement course: "Hello, my name is ... uh ..." Ted Kennedy for a home security system: "If a crime were being committed on your property, would you know?" George Bush for an executive placement service: "When I need a qualified candidate for the Supreme Court or the Vice Presidency ..." (More ideas? Post them to rec.humor.) *start* 16020 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 15 Jul 92 15:18:26 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life 8.E From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension. -Oliver Wendell Holmes posted by: ala@fico.UUCP (Adryenn Ashley) ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? ---------------------------------------------------- From: W. David Elliott Another item from the book entitled: "Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise? And Other Imponderables," by David Feldman: Are There More Brown M&Ms Than Any Other Color, and How Do They Determine the Ratio of Colors? M&M/Mars conducts research to answer precisely these types of questions. Consumers have shown a consistent preference for brown M&Ms, so they predominate. Few people realize (or care!) that the mix of colors in plain M&Ms is different from the peanut version: Color % in Plain M&Ms % in Peanut M&Ms Brown 30 30 Yellow 20 20 Red 20 20 Orange 10 10 Green 10 20 Tan 10 0 ---------------------------------------------------- The following selections are from comp.sys.ibm.pc.games: ************************** willson@rrdtc.donnelley.com (Allen Willson) I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. Instead, He gave me life so I could enjoy everything. -Unknown ************************** From: bayliss@skat.usc.edu (T.Drew Bayliss) The choice is very simple: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. ************************** From: acm@nauvax.ucc.nau.edu Boom boom boom,,, Still going VMS just keeps going and going and going. Nothing outlasts VAX/VMS. ---------------------------------------------------- From: ellens@ai.mit.edu (Ellen Spertus) This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one." This isn't quite as good, but I know it's true, because I did it: On one of my first job application forms, in the blank next to "Salary required", I wrote "yes". (I got the job.) Ellen Spertus ---------------------------------------------------- From rec.humor: ************************** From: berry@arcturus.amasd.anatcp.rockwell.com (Craig D. Berry) Subject: Re: request for pilot jokes I was catching a lift home from college in Claremont CA (east of L.A.) to San Jose with a friend whose sister was a pilot for a courier company, sneaking us back on her unloaded return leg. I had read a bit about private plane piloting, so I asked her questions as we went along about preflight checkout, takeoff patterns, and so forth. We climbed to about 4,000 feet and headed north over the mountains. Suddenly, another question occurred to me. "How do you navigate to San Jose?" I asked. "I'm flying IFR", she replied. This puzzled me, since I knew IFR meant instrument flight rules, for use in low visibility or at night, and here it was a beautiful, cloudless morning. "IFR?" I repeated. She pointed down at the 5 freeway, stretching out below us toward the north. "I Follow Roads", she explained. ************************** From: johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira) Subject: Re: Favor/A Blond Request I understand that you are a new blonde and have probably heard your share of blonde jokes. With this in mind I'd share the following story. A blonde friend of mine was getting real tired of hearing blonde jokes. She decided to do something about it. In order to prove that not all blondes were stupid she spend a couple of days studying a United States map and memorized the capitols for all of the states. The next time she was with a group of people and someone started to tell a blonde joke. "Hey", she said, "not all blondes are stupid and I can prove it. Give the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capitol." "Vermont", someone called out. "V", she replied with a smile. ************************** from:daemon@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU One Saturday afternoon, driving home from a hospital visit, my friend Jim remembered that he hadn't purchased his weekly lottery ticket. When he passed a corner market with a lottery sign in the window, he stopped and went in. Jim gave the clerk his numbers, and together they waited for the computer to register them and print out his card. "Bet I know what you'll do if you win tonight's drawing," the clerk said. "You'll call your boss on Monday morning and tell him to go to hell!" "Oh, I don't think so," said Jim, handing the clerk his business card, which read: The Reverend James Spencer. ************************** from: Dave Tharp @ davet@loowit.WR.TEK.COM Harley rider is broken down by the side of the road. A BMW rider stops to help. "You need any help?" "Yeah, have you got a wrench?" "Sure, what size?" "A big one. I want to use it for a hammer." ************************** from:news@leland.Stanford.EDU (Mr News) A Scottish couple and an Englishman are waiting in line for a play called "THE GREAT MIRACLE" on Broadway. After sometime, the turn comes to the couple. The lady at the counter asks "Where would you like your seat, sir?". The Scotsman, without hesitation, replies: "FRONT SEAT, please." He then gives the ticketperson a banknote, gets the tickets, and when the lady shouts to remind him: "Sir! You FORGOT to get your change back!", he replies: "No problem, that is your TIP!", and leaves for the play with his wife. Then it's the Englishman's turn; when the lady asks him where he'd like to get a seat, the Englishman anwers: "No, thank you. I dont need a ticket any more; I guess I've seen the SHOW!". ************************** From: mbrown@convex.com (Mark Brown) used to work for a company that made blankets, but it folded. I used to work in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. They said I couldn't concentrate. But I think they just wanted to squeeze me out. This one guy said that joke was the pits and that I ought to be beaten to a pulp. But I thought it was appealing. ---------------------------------------------------- The following is a selection from a group in Xerox which was put on redeployment back in 1991 down in El Segundo. Some things seem to stay funny forever. ************************** LIST OF QUOTES TO PRACTICE BEFORE INTERVIEWING FOR A NEW JOB 1. I think A&E is a much nicer building than CP10. 2. Of course I always dress like this! 3. Printers!? - yeah, I saw one once. 4. Money is of no issue. 5. Yes! That job description is exactly what I was looking for. 6. No, I'm not worried about another re-org. 7. Doesn't PSD stand for Printing Something Dumb? 8. I make really good coffee! 9. I definitely prefer the openess of a cubicle. 10. Oh, I think it will be great working so close to the cafeteria! 11. I usually get in around 7:30 am. 12. I never take a lunch! 13. I always work on weekends. 14. I definitely would wash you car on the weekends! ---------------------------------------------------- From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin) This remndes me of a story that happened to me (feel free to pass it on). I walked into a pizza place down the street from where I use to live in Hayward. I was with a friend and we could not decide what kind of pizza we wanted. We decided to get a half of one kind and half another. "Give us a large vegetarian pizza, but put peperoni on half". The guy behind the counter VERY straight faced and quite serious asked: "Which half would you like the peperoni on?" Without missing a beat, I said "The right half!" He wrote "Peperoni on the right half" on the tag and handed it to the guy who makes the pizzas. That guy smiled a bit and proceeded to make us our pizza. About 20 minutes later they called my name. When I went to pick up the pizza I noticed that it was sitting so that the peperoni was to my right but the counter person's left. I could not resist. I said "Hey, I wanted the peperoni on the right side not the left side!" This taught me not to be such a smart ass in the future. The clerk, looking worried, grabbed the pizza and tossed it into the trash saying "Damn, I'm sorry, they must have made a mistake. We will make you another one right now!" 20 minutes later, I kept quite and eat the pizza! My friend and I did laugh about it for quite some time. Especially when the clerk gave us each a free beer an said he was sorry for the mistake and sorry we had to wait!!!! *SIGH* ---------------------------------------------------- From: deforest@sundae11.dab.ge.com Subject: fifty ways to hose your code Credit for this also belongs to Al Pena. -- Miles _________________________ Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code ----- ---- -- ---- ---- ---- Kind of by Paul Simon The problem's all inside your code she said to me; Recursion is easy if you take it logically. I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C, There must be fifty ways to hose your code. She said it's really not my habit to #include, And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued; But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed, There must be fifty ways to hose your code. Just blow up the stack Jack, Make a bad call Paul, Just hit the wrong key Lee, And set your pointers free. Just mess up the bus Gus, You don't need to recurse much, You just listen to me. She said it greives me to see you compile again. I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain. I said I appreciate that and could you please explain, About the fifty ways. She said why don't we both just work on it tonight, And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right. Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right, There must be fifty ways to hose your code. Just lose the address Les, Clear the wrong Int Clint, Traverse the wrong tree Lee, And set your list free. Just mess up the bus Gus, You don't need to recurse much, You just program in C. ************************** From: douglasm@henson.cc.wwu.edu (Douglas McCorison) Subject: Colds and Flu season... Original from my wife and I... How do you tell which computer on the network has a virus? ....It's the one with a stuffed up node. ---------------------------------------------------- From: SHURTLEFF_ERIC@tandem This being (in the US) an election year, we now turn in our Portable Curmudgeon to various quotes relating to politics, political parties, etc. : In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. -- Groucho Marx America is still a government of the naive, by the naive, and for the naive. He who does not know this, nor relish it, has no inkling of the nature of this country. -- Christopher Morley Congress consists of one-third, more or less, scoundrels; two-thirds, more or less, idiots; and three-thirds, more or less, poltroons. -- H.L. Mencken Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage. -- H.L. Mencken Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. -- H.L. Mencken Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distin- guished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. -- Ambrose Bierce Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor. -- James Russell Lowell Liberal: a power worshipper without power. -- George Orwell Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclo- pedia of cliches the first prize. -- Saul Bellow In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant. -- Charles de Gaulle Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organi- zing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -- David Broder Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television? -- Art Buchwald It makes no difference who you vote for--the two parties are really one party representing four percent of the people. -- Gore Vidal It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. -- Eugene McCarthy When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow ---------------------------------------------------- From: SHURTLEFF_ERIC@tandem Some jokes about diets, some about youth and the aged, some about driving, some about sex (gasp!), The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. Sheckly Greene Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. Anita Wise I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. Ronnie Corbett Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. George Carlin Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. Wil Shriner They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. Billie Holliday Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it Stephen Leacock A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. Shelley Berman Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? Calvin Trillin *start* 13593 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 21 Jul 92 16:35:32 PDT (Tuesday) Subject: Life 8.F From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- The following are selections I've saved from a mailing list run by: bostic@okeeffe.cs.berkeley.edu (Keith Bostic) ************************** From: gnu@cygnus.com Subject: IBM threatens Microsoft with 1000 software patents; gets $20-30M Today's Wall St. Journal reports that IBM and Microsoft have completed negotiations on royalties for OS/2; IBM will pay Microsoft some amount under $30/copy. But during the negotiations, IBM threatened to hit Microsoft with patent suits on a thousand software patents. They ended up cross-licensing all their patents, but because IBM had more patents, Microsoft paid between $20M and $30M as part of the deal. ************************** >From somebody's signature line: Jim Tisdall System Manager, Human Genome Project for Chromosome 22 University of Pennsylvania (215) 573-3113 tisdall@cbil.humgen.upenn.edu ************************** Cellular car phones can be dangerous as a British Columbia man has learned. Merv Turchak was stopped at an intersection talking on his car phone when his pick-up truck was rear-ended. The receiver slammed into Turchak's head, leaving him with whiplash. Then he began suffering shoulder pain and said he couldN'T drive and properly fulfill his job as a salesman. A judge agreed and ordered the Inusrance Corporation of British Columbia to pay him more than 200-thousand dollars in damages. Turchak said one of the first symptoms he suffered after being slammed by the cellular phone was a ringing in the ears. ************************** From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu (The Embodiment of Cheese) Subject: The Temptation of Saint Anthony Date: 9 Apr 92 23:16:35 GMT WANTED TO SELL: * * * HOLY GRAIL * * * As is. $50 or best offer. I got it cheap at a flea market. It's the real McCoy, and I thought I was getting a great deal. But it turned out not to be so hot from my point of view. I'll explain, because I don't want anyone saying how I cheated them if it wasn't what they expected. First, the Grail sheds a pure and holy light. That's okay, and it's quite a conversation piece, but it's damn annoying when you're trying to sleep or watch TV. Covering the grail with a cloth does not seem to help for some reason. (We have been using white samite; perhaps this is the source of the problem?) Second, only the pure of heart can touch or even look upon the Grail. Needless to say I do not qualify. This means that we haven't been able to dust behind it on the mantel since we put it in there. Therefore anyone who wants to purchase the Grail will have to come and carry it away themselves; we will not deliver it. Third, every month or so since we have had the Grail, three white-clothed women have made a silent and eerie procession through our house. They also glow with a pure and holy light, and they have no consideration for any guests who happen to be living in the downstairs room. It sure is a good thing that they are silent, because I think otherwise the neighbors would surely have complained. We got enough weird glances as it is. To top it off, one of the glowing babes is carrying a spear which continually drips blood. True, the blood vanishes ere it touches the floor, but nevertheless I get queasy at the sight of blood and these women traipsing through my house with their cloth and blood and light and stuff at all hours of the day and night are really getting on my nerves. Anyway that's the scoop. Perhaps someone else out there knows how to deal with these problems and would like to take the abominable cup off my hands? ************************** From: Mateo.Burtch@eng.sun.com (M. Burtch--Specialist in Courier Font) Subject: And In The U.S., They're Forced To Buy Retail The Society for Technical Communication (STC) released its annual Report on the Status of Technical Writers today. This report, issued by the STC's Writers' Committee on Technical Scribes, monitors the civil and human rights of technical writers throughout the world and documents abuses against them. It also includes a handy quick-reference guide to basic Fortran compiler options. Overall, the report noted that the situation for technical writers the world over is "precarious, and, in many cases, is worsening rapidly. In particular, writers in the Third World routinely live in poverty and squalor." (The report noted that this may apply to other people in the Third World as well.) The report concludes: To the twin I-beams of Democracy and Freedom one may add those of Technical Accuracy and Good Visual Layout. But these too are threatened by mankind's age-old nemeses: Bigotry . . . Hatred . . . Right Justification. If the human race is not only to survive, but to prosper in the heart and in the mind and in the soul, technical writers must practice their ageless craft unencumbered by fear, privation, or schedules. Some of the highlights of the Committee's report include: o Worldwide deaths involving courier font have increased 9% over the past two years. o Canada recently passed legislation making the passive voice the national language. o In China's remote Dimsum province, oxen are used in place of technical writers, with no apparent loss of readability. o In North Korea, police departments no longer use electric cattle prods to torture dissidents, replacing them instead with extremely slow and finicky daisy wheel printers. o The Frame Technology Corporation now touts its product as "disposable." o Torture of technical writers by roving gangs of hooligans known as "editors" is rampant in Northern Ireland, where sectarian violence between different spellers of "filesystem" runs out of control. One particularly gruesome form of punishment is "chopping": holding a writer down and then cutting the dangly thing off his cedilla. o A similar practice is "stet-ing," the continual removal and replacement of chunks of text, leaving the writer dazed and confused. (Or more dazed and confused, to be exact.) o A worldwide shortage of #2 pencils has left many technical writers in poorer countries unable to take notes or doodle during meetings--forcing them to pay attention or end the meeting by flinging live poisonous insects at the other attendees. o The Baath Socialist party of Syria has introduced the use of cuneiform stone tablets, which jam PostScript printers. What can you do? Lots. Send a letter to the head of government of one of the cited countries; include a diagram with mixed fonts and at least one incorrect cross-reference. Show them you mean business. Or write to the UN High Commissioner on the Status of Technical Writers, stating that you are categorically opposed to the use of mustard gas during staff meetings and that you're still having problems figuring out which way the darn CD is supposed to go in. Or you can have a fundraising party, inviting all your technical writer friends and promising them that if they give a donation to Save the Tech Writers you'll cancel the performance art you had scheduled for the evening. A copy of the report is available from the Copy Center and from your local samadzat. --Mateo Burtch (c) 1992 Mateo Burtch Yes, you can forward this; just keep my name attached to it or I'll publicly link you with Ron Reagan. ************************** From: meo@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com (Miles ONeal) Subject: Medal of Technology People can rant and rave all they want about Quayle, but it's Bush who has apparently sustained a high-speed blowout in one or more of his frontal lobes. Yesterday, President George Herbert Walker Bush presented a Medal of Technology to one William Gates, CEO of the that awesome monument to the depressing, berserk side of capitalism, MicroSoft. Note that this was NOT a Medal of Financial Prestidigitation. This was a Medal of Technology, normally offered to people who have made a major positive impact in areas of technology, forwarding the state of the art. MicroSoft, on the other hand, bears primary responsibility for setting back the computer industry at least 7 centuries. If Gates were British, would he have been knighted for singlehandedly resurrecting the concept of caveat emptor? If he were French, perhaps he would be given a Royal Order of Something for raising the image of Geekdom to a level of respectability nearly on par with that of the Romantic. In any event, it is fairly mind-boggling (or would be, if politicians weren't involved) that Bush would use the phrase, "pig in a poke" in reference to Perot's plan to use networks to give the public access to the government, while giving high recognition to the company foisting off a County Fair Grand Prize Winning Pig in a Poke on the majority of the US public. One can only speculate on this in light of other recent events. Perhaps Bush is, in reality, NOT an ex-CIA mole inserted into the office of President of the United States, but a KGB mole inserted into the CIA, and thence to his current office. With the Soviet universe in terminal disarray, it would be a major coup to be sure that the United States was headed in the same direction. ************************** Date: Tue, 28 Apr 92 17:44:17 PDT From: Mike O'Brien Subject: tigers >> And yes, kiddies, tigers really are as big and poofy and >> soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train >> going by. You don't want to know what it takes to find >> this out. >Au contraire. We're agog. Galore of agog people faunch to know, >among them Well, OK, you find this out by taking one for a walk To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple-wood cane - apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This friend is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong. What YOU carry is a ten-foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash. Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right. Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea. This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one. Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do - let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor. It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not. It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks. They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring - at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring. All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day. *start* 16940 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 30 Jul 92 17:28:14 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life 8.G From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Noal Mae McBain sifted out of rec.humor: ************************** A drunk staggered out of a saloon and bumped into a lampost. "Pardon me sir", he said and staggered down the street. He bumped into a mailbox and said "Pardon me madam". Next he stumbled over a fireplug and said "Pardon me little boy." At that point he sat on the curb and said "I'm going to wait here until this crowd passes." ************************** ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Kent Williams sifted out of rec.humor: ************************** Did you hear that the South is lobbying the Big 3 auto makers to put the high beam switch back on the floor? Yea, too many "rednecks" were getting their foot caught in the steering wheel!!!!! ************************** Have you heard any good accounting jokes! What is the definition of an economist? "Someone who loves the numbers but does not have the personality of an accountant.. Who has more chrisma? Paul Tsongas, an Actuary, or an Accountant an Actuary!!!!!!! ************************** G-d comes down to Earth and it turns out he's taking questions. At one point He is in a room with Gorbachev, Major and Bush. Gorby asks: "When will the process of democratization be fully realized in my country?" "Not until 2043, I'm afraid," says G-d, and Gorby breaks into tears. "I'll never live to see it," he says. John Major asks: "When will the economy of my country fully recover from the Thatcher years?" "Not until 2033," says G-d. "I'll never live to see it," says Major, breaking into tears. Mr. Bush asks: "When will the Republicans be removed from the White House in my country?" And G-d cries. ************************** In the county of Kent, in south-east England, there is a village called Ham, and a town called Sandwich ... and yes, the inevitable sign does exist. At a T-junction, there is a sign which reads: __________________________ <__Ham________|__Sandwich_ > | | | | ************************** Q: What do you get when you play a new-age song backwards? A: A new-age song ************************** How to read a film By SimonT Having as I have, completed a course on Film Appreciation, I feel it's more than overdue that I share some of my inner knowings with you people, to give you all the knowledge you need to really appreciate a film. So I've got together a few film phrases to help you in your film viewing. Review - A biased analysis of a movie made by people who care about things like plot, theme and acting; things that have nothing to do with the enjoyment of the movie; things like the number of car crashes or bad guys getting their just desserts. Plot - A very important film item, which is extremely small in it's physical size, which is why people can sometimes not see it. (I.e. In Reviews: "The plot was conspicuous by it's absence) In actual fact, the plot is a tiny peice of orange plasticine that usually sits in the corner of a scene. Goes down real big with reviewers Dubbing - This is a film where someone has rerecorded all the speaking parts because it's in a foreign language or because the actor spits when he speaks. The unfortunate thing about dubbing is that the people who do it quite frequently don't know the original language and spend a lot of time guessing what is going on. I.e: Dubber 1: What do you think they're doing now? Dubber 2: Um, looks like they're cleaning the curtain Dubber 1: Ok, lets run with it. "I HAVE COME TO CLEAN YOUR SHOWER CURTAINS" Dubber 2: "WHY THANK YOU NORMAN, BUT DO YOU THINK YOU COULD WAIT UNTIL AFTER MY SHOWER?" Subtitle - Dubbing written on the bottom of the screen, usually placed over something important on the picture ************************** My uncle (retired Air Force colonel) recently flew with our national airline. Our air force spends a lot of money to educate pilots, only to see them defect to private airlines, so there's some friction between the air force people and those particular pilots. Anyway, as my uncle boarded the plane he recognised the pilot. In a not too subdued voice he said "Oh, yes, I remember him; we threw him out of the airforce years ago". Later, as the plane was about to take of, a stewardess came up to my uncle (sitting forwards in plane) and said in the loud voice "the pilot said to ask you to move back, we're having trouble getting the plane off the ground" (my uncle being somewhat solid). ************************** ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Jim Davidson sifted out of rec.humor: ************************** [This brings to mind a line in a Tony Hillerman novel: ª©When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves, he forgot to include graduate students.º Ed. ] ************************** Two drunks were sitting in a bar talking. One of them said, "Light travels from the sun to the earth at 186,000 miles per second. That's really fast." The second responded, "I'm not surprised. It's downhill all the way." ************************** A real quote: "No, but they gave one to me anyway." -- LA Lakers rookie Elden Campbell when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University ************************** Hindsight is the only exact science ************************** A usual sunday prayer in a church in England. when the priest collects the charities from the crowd, he suddenly notices 3 pennies among the one and five pound bills. the priest grins cheekily and says: "I see that there is a scottish person with us today.." some person in one of the seats at the back unwillingly stands up and says: "your honour, there are 3 of us..." ************************** As an extremely talkative child, I never realized how exhausting my constant chatter must have been for my family until one day at the dentist's office. The dentist informed my mother that, for a 12-year-old, I seemed to have very small teeth. My harried mother replied, "Wind erosion." ************************** an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman in a train compartment. when the train stops, the englishman leaves with dignity without looking behind. the irishman look back to check if he forgot something behind. the scotsman looks back to check if someone else forgot something. ************************** All extremists should be taken out and shot. ************************** The world is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. - Horace Walpole ************************** Two elephants, Harry and Fay Could not kiss with their trunks in the way So they boarded a plane, * They're now kissing in Maine, * 'Cause their trunks got sent to LA. ************************** Hullo gang, My wife is an elementary school music specialist and she pointed this li'l gem out to me (reprinted without permission from "The CTA Reporter): THE LESSON Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him. He taught them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are they who thirst after righteousness. Blessed are they who are persecuted. Blessed are they who suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven. Remember what I am telling you." Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?" And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?" And James said, "Will we be tested on it?" And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?" And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this." And the other disciples likewise. Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan, and inquired of Jesus His terminal objectives in the cognitive domain. And Jesus wept. By the way, CTA means "Classroom Teacher's Association". ************************** ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Cheryl Pence sifted out of rec.humor: ************************** "In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks." -- Calvin ************************** One liners: Bore: Somebody who is going places; and the sooner the better. Between the pigeons and the politicians it's hard to keep the courthouse clean. Getting along with your relatives increases in direct proportion with the distance you stay away from them. ************************** Well some of the slogans (marketing themes) used by some of the companies can be made to look very stupid (and funny) when you add a line of your own. For e.g FORD: Quality is Job #1 -- and sending recall letters is job #2 More to follow? ************************** >In the Physics lab here there is piece of apparatus that has a small >warning message; "Radiation produced when energized - do not place any part > of the body in front of the emitter." >Not stupid in itself, but the sign is positioned such that you have to >put your head in front of the emitter to read it! A buddy of mine works in the Physics lab here at school and says there is a warning that says: "Do not look into the laser with your one remaining eye." ************************** Comedian James Gregory does a whole routine on this in country-bumkin mode. One of my favorites is above doors on airplanes saying: "Do not open while plane is in flight". This probably means that sometime, somewhere, some guy turned to his wife after dinner and says "Honey, I think I just take a little stroll outside". ************************** 3:30 am (approximately, I went directly back to sleep..) >ring-ring< Me: Hello? Voice (female voice, and I know who it is.. I think..): Hi!! Me: Uh, hello? Voice: You, don't know who this is, do you? Go on guess.. (I'm groggy as hell, and kinda pissed so..) Me: Cherry? Voice: No.. Me: Brigette? Voice: No.. Me: Christine? Voice: (Beginning to get slightly annoyed..) No. Me: Patricia, er no, uh, Dieana, err.. Voice: NO. Me: Well.. Lisa? I think I knew who it was, and somebody I didn't really want to talk to anyway. I also don't feel particularly obliged to defend my responses at this hour of the morning. I'm cranky in the morning. Only problem is.. I really thought it WAS Lisa.. Hmmmm... ************************** What about the guy that designed a turbo-super-duper charger to his bike that would increase the speed 10 fold in 1.5 secs. There he was cruising down the highway only 50% above the speed limit and this cop on another bike starts waving him down. He can't afford to get caught so he kicks in the super-duper turbo and vanishes 90 miles down the highway. He turns round and cruise s back again and about whjere he took off form there are ambulances and flashing lights and all. So he goes over and there is the cop lying on a stretcher all gravel rashed and torn. Whew! says the guy what happened? And the ambulance man said seems he was chasing this other guy on a bike and suddenly his bike stopped dead and he got off it to see what had happened and that's all he can remember. ************************** MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR 'MAYBEBOL' ENTROPY: The amount by which a system differs from its ideal state. The Second Law of Thermodynamics can be interpreted as saying "Entropy always increases with time". This means that as soon as a perfect system is achieved, it starts to deteriorate. This may be understandable in mechanical systems where moving parts are subject to wear and tear. But, what is not so evident is the concept of entropy applies to logical, or software systems also. It is no secret that 60% to 80% of every programming dollar is spent on combatting entropy -- that is, maintaining existing systems. If you are involved with any commercial systems, think of how often programmers have to code changes upon changes to that "ideal" system. Why is this always the case? Is there any way to get around this problem? Let's examine the situation. Many times the people requesting a new computer system (the users) cannot define their needs precisely. Often they are not sure what they want or how to deal with certain situations. Many ambiguous features are left in systems with the idea "We'll deal with that problem when we get to it". Programs and programming languages require exact and unambiguous definitions to function effectively: solving an unknown or ambiguous problem is next to impossible with todays programming languages. As I see it, there are two possible solutions to this problem : Solution #1: Carefully and objectively resolve the system design to achieve an exact problem definition. Response: Who are you kidding? Face it, people have been trying to do this since day one and no one has succeeded yet. Every time they get close, entropy sets in. Solution #2: Change the programming langauage. Why not? We're trying to use rigidly defined programming langauages structured along exact lines to provide predictable and consistant results. This obviously does not reflect real-life applications at all. To handle modern complex situations, a more flexable langauage is needed -- a langauage with the ability to procrastinate and deliver the silicon equivalent of a shrug. After much research, deep thought and trial and error, I have come up with the outline of an innovative programming language which I call the Multiply Analytic Yet Basically Evasive Bull... Oriented Language, or M.A.Y.B.E.B.O.L. The following are some of M.A.Y.B.E.B.O.L.'s more attractive features... 1) IF ... THEN ... MAYBE: An eloquent concrete admission of indecision. This statement is the heart and soul of MAYBEBOL. 2) DO SOMETHING: When those un-foreseen situations occur; the user is on sabbatical in Africa and the project is due tomorrow, the DO SOMETHING statement just might help you hit the deadline. Example: IF ADD-CHG-DEL-CODE = "PIZZA" THEN DO SOMETHING. Ideally, no one should have any idea just what might be done. (Some more adventurous souls may wish to set up a pool and bet on the outcome). 3) GO SOMEWHERE: Where? I don't know, do you? 4) ON ERROR conditions: The ON ERROR statement has two possible formats: 1) ON ERROR GENERATE EXCUSE: Everyone knows excuses are more important than results. 2) ON ERROR FORGET ABOUT IT: Self explanatory. In each of the ON ERROR conditions, control will be returned to the main program by means of the GO SOMEWHERE statement. 5) GENERATE X REPORTS: X is an integer from 1 to 32. Users always demand reports. They take these reports and place them carefully in multicolored binders. These binders are then stacked on a shelf, giving the users a place to store their dust collections. Since no one ever looks at these reports, a great deal of time and effort can be saved by generating them randomly. 6) COIN: A bulit-in subroutine. COIN will return a character value of "HEADS" or "TAILS". This can be very useful when making decisions. 7) GUESS: The programmer doesn't know what to do, the user doesn't know what to do, nobody knows what to do, so why not? 8) PRETEND: As in "IF BAD-DATA THEN PRETEND". 9) SEARCH (table-name): The SEARCH statement will consecutively search a table in memory. Note that it is illegal to supply what to search for. If somehow a match is found, set the ERROR condition (see ON ERROR). 10) LOOP FOREVER: A great time saver for the programmer. Instead of having to subconsciously invent subtle and hard-to-find infinite loops, he may now declare them explicitly. 11) DIVIDE x BY ZERO: Same concept as LOOP FOREVER. The above statement and philosophy will be the basis for MAYBEBOL. As time permits, I will attempt to complete the language design. This task should be much easier to accomplish than it may appear. When done it will be available to all. ---------------------------------------------------- *start* 14541 00071 UU @00045 01536 ftffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff @Sender: Henry Cate III:OSBU North:Xerox Date: 3 Aug 92 17:23:39 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.H From: Cate3 To: Cate3 ---------------------------------------------------- From Carl Sukkot's siftings of rec.humor: ************************** From Microsoft Everett, Washington: A businessman complained during an Everett City Council meeting about drug users employing telephones and pagers to make connections in downtown areas. Just after his comments, a city communications specialist's pager sounded, to a chorus of laughter. City photographer Louis Filger turned off his beeper and left the room with an embarrassed expression. joeha@microsoft.com ************************** A bunch of mathmeticians were clustered around a flagpole, arguing about how to determine the height. An engineer walked up, lifted the pole out of its base, laid it down, measured it, and set it back in the base. As he walked away, one mathemtician said "just like an engineer, we wanted the height and he gave us the length!" ---------------------------------------------------- From: Christopher Neufeld (from rec.aviation) Single engine planes are really gliders. That prop up front is just a fan to keep the pilot cool. How do you know this is true? You should see him sweat when it shuts off!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Stuff Christopher Neufeld sifted out of rec.humor: Subject: wrong numbers Hi there-- Anyone out there have any amusing stories about wrong-number phone calls they've gotten? Allow me to start the ball rolling... 1. 8:00 am >ring-ring< Me: Hello? Voice (sounded like an old lady, rather prim): Yes, hello, is this the First Presbyterian Church? Me: No, this is the Ninth Circle of Hell, praise Satan. >click< 3. 6:45 am >ring-ring< Me: Hello? Voice (young, bubbly female): Hi!! (Pause. In the background I hear what sounds like airport noises.) Me: Uh, hello? Voice: Hi!!!! (Pause.) Me: Uh, hello? Voice: Hi!!!!!! (Pause.) Me: Look, if it's not obvious by now that I have no idea who you are, who is this? Voice: It's your wife!! (Pause. Various replies flash through my mind, such as "Oh, right...Mexico, 1972, right?" or "I thought I ditched you in Vancouver!" or "Tom, it's for you.") Me: Uh, last time I checked, neither I nor my roommate was married. Voice: Brian, it's Debbie!! Me: Debbie, it's not Brian!! Voice: Is this [reads off my phone number correctly]? Me: Well, yes it is, but... Voice: Oh... Me: Listen, are you sure your husband really wants to talk to you? >click< OK, it was mean, but it was also 6:45 am. ************************** "If your President Roosevelt had an SS like our Fuhrer's, then there wouldn't be any more gangsters," he said. "Certainly not," answered the American, "then they all would be officers." ************************** Answering machines: And, my favorite, "Hello, you're on the air." ************************** >So, if I tie my serial communications cable into a knot, will that >change the parity of the electrons? Of course it won't change. Recall that Yang and Lee got the Nobel Prize in '57 for showing that parity in knot-conserved. ************************** NICHAEL nichael@bbn.com -- "The patriot must always be prepared to defend his country from his government." -- Ed Abbey ************************** evidence produced at the camden, new jersey, kidnapping trial of james a. h howard, 39, in november revealed that he had done substantial library research on the crime, calculating the average prison sentence to be seven years and fixing at $500,000 the amount that would justify his risk in taking the teenage son of an atlantic city businessman. in december, the u.s. post office in san diego offered its seventh annual christmas tour for $25 per person. the first 200 patrons who reserved seats could watch their christmas mail being processed and eat a buffet lunch. during the ground war, captured iraqi soldiers said any of them caught by superiors wearing a white t-shirt would be executed because the shirts could so easily be used as surrender flags. some iraqi soldiers carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. The following come from the owners manual of a friend's Kenwood Portable Compact Disc Player. "If recharge is repeated for the provided batteries, whereas the power of the batteries is still remained, the batteries may not be recharged enough as their property. In such a case, use up the power of them before conducting recharging, which allows them for normal recharging." "Should the liquid contained in the battery attach on your skin or clothes due to breakage, etc. rinse it off with much running water." "Rechargeable battery has a life." ************************** And then there's the story of the American war movie shown with sub-titles on French television. At one point, the American GI looks over a hill and shouts, "Tanks!" The sub-title reads, "Merci." ************************** I read (in "Reader's Digest", I think -- this story is just too precious to be from one of my more usual sources) the story of a kid who'd cut open a golf ball, and who had *eaten* the liquid centre. The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product. She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the GP was rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. No dice -- there was no mention of golf balls in it. The doc called up a golf ball manufacturer and explained the situation; but they said that their golf balls had a solid core. "I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented. The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that made balls with liquid centres. Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was made of cod liver oil. ************************** I picked this up from a campus computer's eternal Star Trek discussion. It is posted with permission from the author. Enjoy! Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign (music stolen from Paul Simon) The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!" And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign He takes a landing party down to find what's going on A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign Fifty ways to kill an ensign Just step on a rock, Jock Get thorns from some plants, Lance A Horta can spray, Ray Just listen to me Clouds drink up your blood, Bud Computers can kill, Bill You could lose all your salt, Walt Kirk gets away free... She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer worse There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial He'll find a new way to kill an ensign Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign [If you want to copy this elsewhere, go ahead, on condition that you leave my name and this notice on it. I want the credit... Joel Polowin -- aka Bunsen Honeydew] ************************** The following advertisement appears in this week's TV listings: * LIVE PHYSICISTS SCIENTIFIC COUNSELING * PARTICLE ACCELERATORS * RELATIVITY * FISSION * LORENTZ CONTRACTIONS 24 HOURS 1-900-454-1454 & $2.39 PER MIN. 1-800-955-5580 All Credit Cards - Memberships LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT GRAVITY WAVES **** ************************** >ObMildlyAmusingStory: A woman who works in my brother-in-law's office >thought that when you send a fax, the paper gets rolled up into a >little tube and is sent down the line. That's why when you receive >it, it's always curled up.. Of course, you have to be sure there's >no dust in the line.... There's a book called "When Old Technologies were New" about people's early reactions to the telegraph, the telephone, etc. Writing down a message and stuffing it into a telephone mouthpiece was a fairly common behavior. So were requests like "Send this telegram, but don't open the sealed envelope that it's in because it's a private message." And there were yokels whose approach to the telephone was to walk up to it and yell, "Tell Martha I'll be late" or something like that. ************************** I just thought you all might get a chuckle from this... ---------- Forwarded message begins here ---------- My brother sent me some photos of the Bartlesville Area Science Fair and the Oklahoma State Science Fair. Here are some highlights: Does Hair Color Affect Blood Pressure? a project which refers to people with blond or light brown hair as "light headed." a project he saw at district which WENT ON TO STATE and has the hypothesis, "The solar system is made up of nine planets, the sun, several moons, and billions of stars." [billions of stars?!] Ben said he thought the conclusion should have been, "All the planets except Earth are made of styrofoam." "The conclusion I reached was my turtle is strongly attracted to a blue light but will not always go to a blue light." "Before my plant accidentally died, first it growed down, then it started growing up." a project to see in which liquid a wind-up toy can move in most easily, using water, vinegar, orange juice, and Mr. Clean None of these, however, can top the project that was next to mine when I went to the state sci fair: a guy from Wetumka, OK, who had "proved" that humans can't create a superconductor. He tried to make one by putting some ceramic bathroom tiles in his freezer, then smearing various substances (mayonnaise, Desitin, etc.) on them and seeing if they would hold an electrical charge. ---'Becca ************************** Love Boat Enterprise --------- ---------- Bald Captain Bald Captain Black Bartender Black Bartender Young Vicki is related to a Young Wesley is related to a crewmember crewmember and works on the ship and works on the ship Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character Julie the cruise director is sexy Troi the ship's councelor is sexy but but annoying annoying Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background upon which is projected background of open sea of open space A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars Going to strange new ports-of-call Going to strange new worlds Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the lounge crap in the holodeck Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with job description for name (Gopher) job description for name (Data) In late-night syndication In late-night syndication Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot Love Boat has lifeboats and Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and flotation devices detaching saucer section Scenes linked by ship shots Scenes linked by ship shots One character inexplicably replaced, One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Julie) then returned (Crusher) After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion pointless discussion Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous Final scene takes place on loading Final scene takes place on transporter; dock; crew waves goodbye crew waves goodbye Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans annoying die-hard fans At conventions, everyone is dressed At conventions, everyone is dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker like Mr. Spock Isaac the Bartender has useless Captain Picard has useless gesture, gesture, pointing slightly forward pointing slightly forward Intercrew friction always resolved Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time slot within allotted 1 hour time slot ************************** Another apocryphal tower conversation: Tower: BA 288, please say altitude. BA 288: Altitude. T: Very funny, 288, please say altitude. B: Altitude. T: BA 288, please say "cancelling IFR". B: Er, BA 288 at flight level three seven zero.... ************************** The Multics development group got a furious call from the General Motors site once. Their $10M system had crasned on a Sunday morning, and when the operator tried to bring the system back up, the following emssage appeared on the console typewriter: HODIE NATUS EST FRATER RADICI and the system hung. They wre pretty annoyed at getting messages in Latin. The message was coming from the ultra-sophisticated dump program, which was trying to peek at the directory structure; it had found that the root directory had a brother, which shouldn't happen. The message was a debugging message that never came out in normal operation. It came out this time because the CPU (a gigantic cabinet, 100 big boards) was busted. The message was in Lating becasue it was written by the brilliant Bernie Greenberg, who put everything he knew into his great hacks. GM's CPU got fixed, and we apologized and promised that we'd taken the message out and wouldn't do stuff like that again. But I think they never felt the same way about their computer again. What I learned: it's risky to try to be funny, especially around computers.