Here's a list of Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) quotes.

In his private heart, no man much respects himself.

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go 
in.

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that  bother me, it is the pa
rts that I do understand.

[about blacks]
For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one effective weapon -  laughter. P
ower, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution - these can laugh at a colossal hu
mbug - push it a little - weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter c
an blow it to rags and atoms at a blast.

The man who does not read good books is at no advantage over the man that can`t read 
them.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't affor
d to and when he can.

An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.

Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the opposition employs a million.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and 
stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never
 sit down on a hot stove- lid again - and that is well; but she will also she will ne
ver sit down on a cold  one anymore.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. (Facts are
 stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.)

I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washi
ngton could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand to 
have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-on, I was astonished at how much
 he had learned in seven years. (It never occurs to a boy that he will someday become
 as dumb as his father.)

Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity - another man's.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both
 places.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. (The convic
tion of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of 
the poor that the rich are.)

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left
 it out of his heaven.

It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not to deserv
e them.

Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah ... didn't miss the 
boat.

Crank - a man with a new idea until it succeeds.

I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have got so 
much more of it.

One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed it - t
hey also believed the world was flat.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in ma
king those idiots understand their own language.

Never learn to do anything: if you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do
 it for you.

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the v
iews. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.

Let us endeavour to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Life would be infinitely happier if could only be born at the age of eighty and gradu
ally approach eighteen.

A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. 
He could not even lie.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Modesty died when clothes were born.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced J
ackson.

In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was 
a boy and one when he was a man."

Methuselah lived to be 969 years old. You boys and girls will see more in the next fi
fty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime.

When your friend begin to flatter you on how young you look, its a sure sign you're g
etting old.

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is differences of opinion that make
 horse races.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

Adam was the only man who,  when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it b
efore him.

Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

I have made a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

Golf is a good walk spoiled. (It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls 
while they are still rolling.)

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.

It is better to have old, second hand diamonds than none at all

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heav
en.

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I
 never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.

Never put off til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.