Article 77188 of rec.humor: Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!sdd.hp.com!caen!uunet!nic.unh.edu!kepler.unh.edu!ss1 From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink) Subject: The Enormous List of Signatures Part 1/4 Message-ID: <1992Sep11.004926.15432@newshost.unh.edu> Sender: news@newshost.unh.edu (USENET News System) Organization: Turkey Hall Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 00:49:26 GMT Lines: 764 Earlier this year, I advertised on rec.humor that I had an "Enormous Signature File" compilation, and that I would mail it to all who requested it. I got flooded with requests. Then I began to post lists as I compiled them, also with the note saying that if anybody wanted the previous lists, they could email me and receive them. Each time, it was a deluge. So now I'm going to post every list I've got. The first is the original, and posted in four parts. Then there are nine others -- THE LAST OF THESE HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN POSTED. So if you are collecting these lists, you *don't* have that one. Enjoy!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Enormous List of Signatures (Part 1/4).... ...But FIRST! =============================================================================== From: ceb@bali.unify.com (Caroline E. Bryan) Sam -- [An easy] way to select a different file every day and copy it into $HOME/.sig: It's in my .profile it is executed every time I log on. Since it's based on "date", logging on several times during the course of the day, or the local power company doing its thing and leaving us in the dark momentarily, will not change my .sig for that day. Vide: (or if you prefer live language, mira:) day=`date +%j` pindex=`expr $day % 24` index=`expr $pindex + 1` cp $HOME/Sigs/.sig${index} $HOME/.sig Painfully simple, yes? The number "24" is the number of sig files from which the daily file is selected. Someone more versed in Unix than I, which is most Unix people, would take a gander at $HOME/Sigs, thus relieving him/herself from the necessity of hardcoding that number. Carrie ceb@dbrus.unify.com x6244 ----------------------------+ | There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. | | -- Mark Twain | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ =============================================================================== Ok, NOW the LIST! =============================================================================== <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> | Michael Rivero rivero@dev8j.mdcbbs.com "A Human's Human!" | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | Women spend 50 BILLION dollars a year on cosmetics while their | | fellow human beings sleep in alleys and eat out of trashcans. | <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> -------------------- |\/\/\/| | | | | | (o)(o) Bart Simpson is a looser C _) | ,___| | / Barry Gunn /____\ ex 2281 / \ barryg@lsid.hp.com Sam ss1@kepler.unh.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation. -------------------------------------------------Anonymous--------------------- Sam ss1@kepler.unh.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me. -------------------------------------------------Ambrose Bierce---------------- -- All good people are opie@flesh.nmt.edu I tried to use my halo as a life asleep and dreaming NewCo MexiTech preserver, but it sprung a leak. -Skinny Puppy- -Foetus- Celibacy, live the dream. New Mexico Tech. _______________________________________________________________________________ "I thought I had wavy hair | Josh Laff: e-mail to: | Until I shaved. Instead, | smiley@uiuc.edu | # # I find that I have _straight_ hair |smiley@gnu.ai.mit.edu____| _ _ And a very wavy head." |_____________________| | |#\_____/#| - Shel Silverstein, "A Light in the Atic"| (217) 384-6227 | \#######/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blair Wettlaufer | Brand the Black | Forewarned is forarmed University of Waterloo | The Black Company | ... but four arms do bwettlau@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca | Pr. of Ealdormere | not great feets make. |============================================================================| | An Engineer | |============================================================================| | An engineer is a person who passes as an exciting technical expert on | | the basis of being able to turn out with prolific fortitude, infinite | | strings of incomprehensive estimates calculated with microscopic | | precision from vague assumptions and debatable figures taken from | | inconclusive data obtained with recording devices of problematical | | accuracy by uninformed persons of doubtful reliability and | | questionable mentality. Author: Unknown | |============================================================================| | anonymous | Disclaimer: This University has everything | | Wright State University | to do with my shrinking wallet, but | | Electrical Engineering | nothing to do with my Opinions, Actions | | email address removed | or even my Education. | |============================================================================| The views expressed within are not necessarily the views of my employer. They may be the views of my dogs, who have been subliminally programming me while I sleep. ___________________________________________ Dale Lee |If dogs were outlawed, | 4001 Discovery Drive |Only outlaws would have dogs. | Suite 250 |_________________________________________| Boulder, CO 80303 |One (of many) nice things about dogs vs | 303-541-6806 |kids, if you leave them at home alone all| |day welfare doesn't come & put you away | ------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- Ed Rush, employed by but not speaking for Metaphor Computers, Mtn. View, CA UUCP: [...!{apple|decwrl}!]metaphor!mnementh!rush Internet: rush@mnementh.metaphor.com ----------------------------------------- Calm down, everyone, it's only ones and zeroes. Brett =============================OFFICIAL=DISCLAIMER================================ The opinions and views expressed here are strictly my own and do not necessarily reflect the official position of either the U.S. Air Force or its contractors. =====================DO=NOT=REMOVE=TAG=UNDER=PENALTY=OF=LAW===:)================ -- Mike Van Pelt David Goldfarb goldfarb@ocf.berkeley.edu (Insert standard disclaimer) "Obviously proud at knowing a word that I did not know, Horace [Gold] enunciated clearly and distinctly, 'Meretricious!' Whereupon I replied, 'And a Happy New Year to you.'" -- Isaac Asimov -- Disclaimer: Jim Huggins is the CFV-meister, but he has midterms. ==== laid off by: =---==== Scott Forbes AT&T Network Software Center =-----==== forbes@toolserv.att.com ==---===== ======== 'C' programmer with communication skills seeks employment... ==== -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Karl Elvis MacRae batman@batcave.Ebay.sun.com (408)922-4960 M/S MIL21-39 Sun Microsystems, Milpitas, CA (The armpit of Silicon Valley) -I don't speak for Sun, and they don't speak for Me- +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ "What I would call human in me, for you would be perversion" -'Another World' - Hoodoo Gurus -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Mike Van Pelt "Nobody's life, liberty, or property Headland Technology/Video 7 are safe while Congress is in session." ...ames!vsi1!hsv3!mvp -- Will Rogers mvp@hsv3.lsil.com ================================================================================ Dave Weissman - Broadband and FDDI LAN Operations Group Snail mail: NSI DECNET (SPAN) - 6153::DWEISSMAN Code 543.8 NSI TCP/IP - dweissman@<128.183.112.2> Goddard Space Flight Center SPRINTnet's X.400 - Greenbelt, Maryland 20771 (C:USA,A:TELEMAIL,P:GSFC,FN:DAVID,SN:WEISSMAN) *DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER* I don't speak for nor represent the views of NASA or my company although they would both be happy if I just shut up for once......... *DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER*DISCLAIMER* ** NeXT: lmann@vineland.pubs.stratus.com * GEnie: L.MANN4 ** ** Laurie_MannVOS@vos.stratus.com * lmann@jjmhome.uucp ** ** A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, ** ** adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.** ****** Ralph Waldo Emerson ****** ============================================================================== Thank you for your attention. Scott Barker barker@enel.ucalgary.ca "If winning is not important, then why keep score?" - Worf -- This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [ny] y -- bruce@zuhause.mn.org Youth is wasted on the young. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chris.Holt@newcastle.ac.uk Computing Lab, U of Newcastle upon Tyne, UK ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Where lies the land to which the ship would go? Far, far ahead..." - AHC _________________________________________________________________ | | *less expensive ascii version of my sig ==== | | o o | Darcy Brockbank ============================ | | > | samurai@uriel.cs.mcgill.ca ================ =|---- | | \__/ | SOCS system staff, McGill University ======= | | | I believe in coyotes... ==================== | ----------------------------------------------------------------- -- Mike hennebry@plains.NoDak.edu "Be sure you spell my name correctly: G-E-O-R-G-E W-I-L-L." -- Dave Barry -- Opinions expressed are solely those of the author, and do not necessarily represent those opinions of this or any other organization. The facts, however, simply are and do not "belong" to anyone. jwm@sun4.jhuapl.edu or jwm@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu or meritt%aplvm.BITNET --E.V.L. (drwho@wpi.wpi.edu) # "Why can't we fight and win, mommy?" Disclaimer: "It's all absolutely # "Because they have weapons and devastatingly true, except the bits # technology. We just have love." that are lies." --Douglas Adams # --Ralph Bakshi's "WIZARDS" -- Scott Amspoker | Basis International, Albuquerque, NM | This post stops at all | railroad crossings. scott@bbx.basis.com | _____________________________________________________________________________ "Boise sans soif et faire l'amour en tout temps, madame, il n'ya que ca qui nous distingue des autres betes..." - Le Mariage de Figaro, II.xxi ________Lisamarie "Rifa the Insane" Babik_________91babik@gw.wmich.edu_______ | Adrian Colley, \ Fingerable: aecolley@unix1@134.226.32.17 | | SF Computer Science, \ Mail: aecolley@unix1.tcd.ie | | Trinity College Dublin. \ Disclaimer: I didn't say that ! | | Alternative mail: aecolley%unix1.tcd.ie@pucc.princeton.edu| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer:I have no job. Which means I am unemployed. Therefore, I cannot have an employer to deny my opinions are it's own. So by default, my opinions represent those of everyone in my country as I am one of the common men. After all, all men are created equal, and if you don't like it, wage war on my country you dictatorial evil goosestepping Satanistic Capitalist Imperialist American Dogpigs! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All the opinions expressed in this posting are mine, all mine and nothing but mine, and have nothing at all to do with my employer. Unless, of course, they are particularly witty, interesting or generally worth a lot of money. ****************************************************************************** **Dominic Tavassoli * "I am not a letter! I am the number 3!" ** **Alcatel-Alsthom Recherche * (the hero in 3 in Three) ** **France *"Hey baby,wanna see my Wand of Fireballs?"** **tavassol@aar.alcatel-alsthom.fr* Segermund,5th level MU ** ****************************************************************************** *** (if you enjoyed this, please send $10 to the above address) *** ****************************************************************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Joon L. Case * When the 50 dwarves dwindled down to 8, * * casej@gn.ecn.purdue.edu * everyone began to suspect Hungry. * ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ========================================================================== \\\\ Michael Rivero | "I drank WHAT!" |"Why bother with marriage?| (. rivero@dev8a.mdcbbs | Socrates -------------------Just find a | )> DISCLAIMER::: |-----------| "Life is CHEAP! |woman you hate == "Hey man, I wasn't |Looking4luv| But toilet paper|and buy her a | ---/ even here then!" |Settle4sex!| is EXPENSIVE!" | house!" | ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++-------------------+++++++++++++++ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | %COPY-E-INPFNOTFOUND, The VAX has Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | initiated a CPU committee meeting edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au +-------+ to find the file. DCL will report edb134t@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au --+ result in four weeks. [TCWF] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Six of one, 110 (base 2) of | Craig Spannring another. | icsu7039@caesar.cs.montana.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- %SYSTEM-W-TMNYFNGRS, too many fingers on keyboard ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /=============================/ / tpehrson@javelin.sim.es.com / WARNING: my messages are offensive to /=====aka: tim clinkenpeel====/ morons! [DISCLAIMER: my fingers are epiletic] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lt. G: "If we do happen to stand on a mine, sir, what do we do ?" Capt. B: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- somewhere in no man's land, "Blackadder Goes Forth" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jeff Alexander |"Only the insane have the strength to prosper. ja1r@andrew.cmu.edu (ARPA) | Only those that prosper truly judge what is sane." ja1r%andrew@CMCCVB (BITNET)| -- Warhammer 40,000 rulebook ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mark Brader "... one of the main causes of the fall of SoftQuad Inc., Toronto the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they utzoo!sq!msb had no way to indicate successful termination msb@sq.com of their C programs." -- Robert Firth ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unix Anti-Exclusion Principle: Any single major standard will split into at least two semi-compatable standards within the cycle-time of the fastest existing computer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If it's broke, fix it (The MS-DOS way) If it aint broke, don't touch it (The Unix way) If we can't fix it, it ain't broke (Maintainer's Motto) If you can't fix it, fuck it (The U-boat way) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Space is an illusion; disk space doubly so" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scotty: "Hold this green wire, feel anything?" Mccoy "Nope." Scotty "Then don't touch the other one or you'll drop dead." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | Allon Stern | (301)405-4864 [work] | Ring around the Internet | | skum@bessel.umd.edu| (301)474-4527 [home] | A packet with a bit not set | +--------------------+-----------------------+ ENQ ACK ENQ ACK | | Unix weirdo in training. Handle with care. | We all go down! | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Murray S. Kucherawy --------------------+--------------------------------- 2B Math/CS, University of Waterloo (co-op) | mskucherawy@watmath.UWaterloo.ca Motorola Canada, Private Systems Div. +---+--------+ murray@motto.UUCP System Products Engineering Toronto |"Beep." -vi | murray@tor.comm.mot.com ---------------------------------------+------------+------------------------ Risto Lankinen / product specialist *************************************** Nokia Data Systems, Technology Dept * 2 3 * THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK * 2 +1 is PRIME! Now working on 2 -1 * replies: risto@yj.data.nokia.fi *************************************** Chip Salzenberg at Teltronics/TCT , If you meet Ken Thompson on the road, kill him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please excuse any errors in the above | Stirling G. Westrup post. Occasional lapses of omniscience | UUCP: stirling@ozrout.uucp is the price I pay for being | INET: stirling%ozrout.UUCP@sobeco.com implementable. | BIX : swestrup ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The 11.32 signature is running late and will arrive at 19.22. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ USENET: N. A self-replicating phage engineered by the phone company to cause computers to spend large amounts of their owners budget on modem charges. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *** This line intentionally left justified *** ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What's a word processor? Well, you know what a food processor does to food ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "To be or nut^H^H^H -- sh^Gt, how do I delete..^D^D^D Oh No Oh NO^D^D^D -- How do I get out of this thing anyway (mumble mumble) Bus error (core dumped) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There's one big difference between genius and stupidity. Genius has limits. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ `I have read your article, Mr. Johnson, and I am no wiser than when I started.' -- `Possibly not, sir, but far better informed.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's said that only 10 people on the whole world understood Einstein. I'm so brilliant that nobody understands me at all. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Fortunately the computer virus did no harm to our records. It was immediately devoured by all the bugs in our own programming." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ /\ ? ________________ name@machine.domain.edu \ ____ __ fgu |.signature under| Anything is possible... \ | | / | orywlut- | construction | ========== gfgsdfsdfsd |________________| _____________________________OO_____O___hfdhksjdhfksjdfs_______||__________||__ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on tape somewhere. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ /EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bus error (Passengers dumped) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Let's see, now that I am done.......... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZ ZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d ^C ^c ^x^c helpexit ?Quit ?q ^Kx /QY Oooops.......... Discs synced; halted _________________________________________________________________ /\ Ken Hovanes \---- Place the velcro chicken inside the microwave\ / \ Intergraph Corp.\for radiation treatment. Repeat. Place the \ \ \ (205) 730-7229 \--------------- velcro chicken inside the \ \ \ hovanes@crackers.b17d.ingr.com \--------- microwave for \ \ \ ...uunet!ingr.com!b17d!crackers!hovanes \ radiation treatment.\ \ \________________________________________________________________\ \ / / \/________________________________________________________________/ :: :: :: :: :: Synth synth@euler.unm.edu Hell Hath :: :: :: :: :: :: :: (F. Oberheim) synth@yenta.alb.nm.us No Pizza. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- |1/2 of all marriages end in divorce, the rest in death! I got out alive!| -------------------------------------------------------------------------- +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ + svp9015@ccu.umanitoba.ca + 6 The neighbor of the + + Brian Greenberg + 6 8 Beast + +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +------------------------------+--------------------------------------+ | Drew Lawson | If you're not part of the solution, | | lawson@bdcd102.nrl.navy.mil | you're part of the precipitate. | | 71141.1660@CompuServe.COM | | +------------------------------+--------------------------------------+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jamie ... char *i; main(){for (i=(char *) malloc(31457280);;*(i+=4096)=1);} Written On Friday, October 25, 1991 at 02:14:14am EDT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- J. Fielek "I drank WHAT?!" - Socrates J. Fielek They may be PC, but at least they're stupid. J. Fielek Where's my underwear? J. Fielek Professional Polack... ========================== vest@novavax.nova.edu ============================= = Steven Vest: Electronic Reference Librarian: Nova University, Ft. Ldl, FL = = Anything you see by me is just MY opinion. Don't blame Nova. = =================Life is strange. Yeah, but compared to what?================= +=cause=love's=such=an=old=fashioned=word=and=love=dares=you=to=care=for=the=+ | people on the edge of the light and love dares you to change our way of | | caring about ourselves this is our last dance this is our last dance this | +=is=ourselves=-=under=pressure==+ Robert C. White Jr. | There is a better than average possibility rwhite@jagat