David Letterman Top Ten Lists, 4/93 to present. April 1, 1993 (Happy April Fool's day) Top 10 Signs you've picked the wrong Supreme Court Justice =========================================================== 10. Keeps asking, "When do I meet Diana Ross?" 9. Writes his opinions on little scraps of kleenex 8. Only law he knows is that "Under 30 minutes or the pizza is free" thing 7. Favorite case: Roe V. Godzilla 6. Keeps sneaking into the chambers at night and propping up Thurgood Marshall in his chair 5. He points at your shoes and says, "Enjoy 'em while they're still legal" 4. Whenever a death sentence is announced he plays taps on his kazoo 3. Three words: UNLV Law School 2. You overheard him mumbling "What would Wapner do?" 1. Heard of Jacoby, never heard of Meyers April 5, 1993 (Originally Aired June 25, 1992) Top 10 surprises in the U.N. sex study ======================================= 10. Of the 100 million acts of love daily most occur in Bill Clinton's campaign van 9. Paulina Porizkova actually sleeps with Ric Ocasek 8. When reaching sexual climax, 45% of women shout the word "Ebert" 7. Instead of the stork, childern in Malaysia are told babies are brought by Dick Enberg 6. 65 million times a day someone says, "I'll call you" 5. Only 36% of electricians actually do make better lovers 4. It wouldn't kill Warren Beatty to lose ten pounds 3. 75% of all edible underwear purchased by the Portuguese 2. A woman in the United States has an orgasm every 3.4 seconds--And that woman never gets any housework done! 1. Every twelve seconds somebody has a drink with a Kennedy April 6, 1993 Top 10 things overheard at the summit ====================================== 10. "Look, forget the money, we want that miracle spray-on hair stuff" 9. "Imagine what you'd look like if you didn't jog every day" 8. "For a strong president, you really have soft skin" 7. "Get some vodka into that Al Gore of yours" 6. "What? We have no time outs left?" 5. "Margaret Thatcher? I had her" 4. "Hey Bubba! Leave some gravy for the Russky!" 3. "The red army has been gay for years and it's a blast" 2. "When do I get to meet this Joey Buttafuoco?" 1. "Last call already?" April 7, 1993 Top 10 Aeroflot can do to improve its image ============================================ 10. Shoo the bats out of the lavatories 9. Promise delivery within two days 8. Stop asking smaller passengers to sit in the laps of larger passengers 7. No longer have Moscow to Leningrad flight connect through Dallas-Fort Worth 6. Modify plane to resemble giant airborne potato 5. Stewardesses with necks 4. Water down the captain's vodka 3. Remove Chernobyl cured ham from inflight menu 2. Paint over Gorbachev-inspired red mark on top of fuselages 1. More Aero, less Flot April 8, 1993 Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny is Losing His Mind ================================================= 10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner" 9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "you're going to die up there, fat man!" 8. Can't stop washing his paws 7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac 6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone 5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg" 4. Rotting corpse of Energizer Bunny recently discovered in his crawl space 3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas 2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack 1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck April 9, 1993 Top 10 signs your an extremely boring person ============================================= 10. Most common question you ask:"Hey, where's everybody going?" 9. Mr. Rogers grabs you by the throat and screams, "Pick up the pace, you simp!" 8. Sominex tablets now available shaped like you 7. Your wildest fantasy: to someday visit Winnipeg 6. You bedroom walls are covered with photos of treasury Secy. Lloyd Bentsen 5. During confession, you hear the priest click on his game boy 4. The person seated next to you at the dinner party is sawing at their wrists with a steak knife 3. They let you sedate patients for surgery by describing your system for organizing laundry 2. During sex you wife calls out the name "Irving R. Levine" 1. You think Al Gore is a maniac April 12, 1993 (Originally aired August 14, 1992) Top 10 other things George and Barbara disagree about ====================================================== 10. The key lime pie at Sizzler 9. Which one's Canada and which one's Mexico 8. Whose turn it is to feed Marlin Fitzwater 7. He likes sex once a month. She doesn't. 6. The vice-president's bedtime 5. Is the "repeat" step in the shampoo process really necessary? 4. Abe Vigoda: dead or alive? 3. Whether they should start looking for a new house right now 2. Proper number of dates before a president sleeps with his secretary 1. What's the deal with Bruce Jenner? April 13, 1993 Top 10 horrifying secrets of Barney the Dinosaur ================================================= 10. Spent the 70's travelling around the country following the Grateful Dead 9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only six days 8. Purple color the result of alchol-induced hypertension 7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "the luckest damn space monkey in Hollywood" 6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them 5. Is other half-brother of Roger Clinton 4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas after assaulting a black jack dealer 3. Before plastic surgery, was one of the Jackson Five 2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino 1. Two words: silicone tail April 14, 1993 Top 10 signs Larry King is losing his mind =========================================== 10. Has started referring to his suspenders as "Felix" and "Oscar" 9. Performed root canal on himself with a seafood fork 8. Weirdly tries to pronounce CNN as if it were one word 7. Recently spotted wandering pantless in a Florida mall screaming "Go ahead -- your on the air!" 6. Buttafuoco 5. Won't stop talking about his great idea: a reverse sandwich with filling on the outside and bread in the middle 4. Is now demanding guests address him as "Mr. Larry" 3. His stomach is filled with charcoal briquets 2. Shouts "bingo!" an awful lot for someone who isn't actually playing bingo 1. Won't come out of the pup tent! April 20, 1993 (Originally aired August 25, 1992) Top 10 surprising revelations in the new Columbus movie ======================================================== 10. Columbus cheated at shuffleboard 9. Had touch football games on deck between guys who thought Earth was round and guys who thought Earth was flat 8. Boat was full of exciting celebrity stowaways 7. Right before spotting land Columbus quenched thirst with can of refreshing pepsi 6. Had robot friend named R2D2 5. Also discovered stove top stuffing 4. Sarcastically named Virgin Islands after notoriously easy Queen Isabella 3. Fourth ship which didn't make it: The Yugo 2. Crew often beat him up for wearing brightly colored tights 1. Earth flat: Brando round April 22, 1993 (Originally aired July 15, 1992) Top 10 signs you won't be re-elected president =============================================== 10. At fund-raising dinners guests ask you,"Can we have some more butter please?" 9. Whenever you use phrase "If I'm re-elected" in speech, crowd bursts into 10 minutes of uproarious laughter 8. Wife keeps reassuring you she can get work as mall santa 7. Quayle's on your ticket 6. When you ask your campaign manager advice, he shrugs and says "Beats me" 5. Carvel turns their president Bush cake into "Bushy the whale" 4. Instead of "four more years" supporters chant "six more months" 3. Your pinhead son loses three billion dollars in savings & loan scansdal 2. Your state of the union address is pre-empted by a "Who's-the-boss-a-thon" 1. "Other" beats you in polls April 23, 1993 (Originally aired August 28, 1992) Top ten signs you're lacking family values =============================================== 10. You take your kids for back-to-school tattoos 9. You have a viewing party whenever a friend or family member is featued on "America's Most Wanted" 8. Your Swiss chalet is crawling with Jennifers 7. You're a fictional TV character having a baby out of wedlock 6. You're dating your stepdaughter 5. You go to your kids' school open house in something crotchless 4. In fight over last pork chop you stab grandpa with a fork 3. Family gatherings often turn into a hostage situation 2. You refer to your childern as "drinkin buddies" 1. Every member of your family has been on Oprah April 28, 1993 Top ten ways Clinton can improve his approval rating ===================================================== 10. Lift ban on gays in the salvation army 9. Become the fattest president ever 8. Move the Canadian border a few feet per day until by 1996--VOILA! No more Canada! 7. Every friday night, host an old horror movie on tv in full wolfman make-up 6. Bomb Baghdad 5. Sponser pay-per view event: Attorney general Janet Reno wrestles a bear 4. Put Gore in a purple dinosaur costume 3. Be more like Urkel 2. Pay off national debt by letting Hillary sleep with Redford 10,000 times 1. Tank tops April 29, 1993 Top ten things overheard during take your daughter to work day =============================================================== 10. "I don't care who's eight-year-old she is, she's not neutering my doberman" 9. "Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo" 8. "Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish stick recipe. Now she must die!" 7. "Hand mommy her tassles" 6. "This is the director's chair, Sonn-Yi" 5. "Now batting for the Chicago White Sox -- Cindy" 4. "I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say, 'Hello, Mr. Letterman!'" 3. "Honey, keep your eyes open over here while daddy whacks a guy" 2. "Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past congress" 1. "Keep away from Sen. Packwood" April 30, 1993 Top ten highlights of Roger Clinton's first 100 days ===================================================== 10. Wore shoes for the first time 9. Sometimes gets a free pen after they've signed a law or something 8. Historic all-night keg summit with President Mitterrand's brother "Stewie" 7. Was on TV!!! 6. Finishing slightly ahead of that smart-ass 7-year-old during the white house easter egg hunt 5. Was a runner-up on the game show "Towel Off!" 4. Seeing Joe Namath host the Bud Bowl...that was awesome! 3. Keyhole sighting of Hillary using her epilady 2. Finally getting the rubber mouse away from Socks 1. Higher approval rating than his brother May 3, 1993 (Originally aired Sept. 4, 1992) Top ten things George Bush can accomplish in 58 days ===================================================== 10. Legally change everyone's name in country to Linda 9. Exercise the "pocket veto" a few more times (if you know what i mean) 8. Fly to every state. Perform vote-inducing mambo 7. Tamper with white house salt shakers before Clintons move in 6. Nail Madonna 5. Get his son Neil to embezzle a few million and hightail it to Switzerland 4. Based on the last four years, nothing 3. Have sex twice 2. Bomb the hell out of some candy ass country 1. Carefully pack May 4, 1993 Top ten signs your therapist hates you ======================================= 10. Everything you tell him ends up in the weekly world news 9. Constantly rolling his eyes and making "cuckoo" sign with finger 8. At the end of your session, he screams "times up!" and high-fives the receptionist 7. Every time you eat something tasty you get a nasty electric shock and pretty soon tasty ain't tasty anymore! 6. Really itchy couch 5. As you tell him about your week, he and his friends keep yelling "Yahtzee!" 4. Introduces you as the mayor of Loserville 3. Whenever you tell him one of your dreams, he says "Come on, that's an old 'Twilight Zone'" 2. Constantly asking: "So, you're just going to rule out suicide completely?" 1. Always sides with Mia May 5, 1993 Top ten signs you're too old to be living at home ------------------------------------------------ 10. You can never figure out which dentures are yours 9. Your parents keep leaving classified ads for rental apartments taped to your hamster's cage 8. You sneak in late from a Neil Diamond concert 7. You & your parents's S.S. checks come on same day of the month 6. You've convinced yourself that when dad dies mom will marry you 5. You're 42 and you have a curfew 4. You come home after a late night at the office and find that mom has laid out your Star Wars pajamas 3. At least once a week you get into a shoving match with your dad over the last beer 2. Mailman openly mocks you by saying "Give these letters to mommy, you deadbeat" 1. Mom complains when you bring home hookers May 6, 1993 Al Gore's top ten pet peeves ----------------------------- 10. Is a heartbeat away from obscurity 9. Picking up Big Mac wrapppers off the white house jogging track 8. Being Roger Clinton's designated driver 7. Secret service men assigned to him never seem to have sunglasses or ear pieces 6. People who play blackjack when they're under the weather 5. The round-the-clock drills on spelling "potato" 4. Some WWF stars are too big to answer their fan mail 3. A couple of the angles on his head aren't quite 90 degrees 2. Press never mentions the fact that he had as affair with Gennifer Flowers too 1. Getting buried alive May 7, 1993 Top ten signs your postman could be ready to snap -------------------------------------------------- 10. He hides your letters around the yard like they're easter eggs 9. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but 29-cent stamps and fragile stickers 8. Wife wears T-shirt saying "I'm with disgruntled" 7. You find him on the porch reading a sharper image catalog to a squirrel 6. Won't stop saying Buttafuoco 5. Every letter he brings you is from him 4. His hat looks suspiciously like the one you ordered from L.L. Bean 3. Whenever he sneezes styrofoam peanuts fly out of his nose 2. Invites you to put your hand in his pants and do a little "presorting" 1. Keeps biting the UPS guy May 10, 1993 (Originally aired May 8, 1992) Top ten rejected plots for the final Golden Girls -------------------------------------------------- 10. Doctor Kevorkian drops by for a visit 9. Bea Arthur tests positive for steroids 8. They all develop hysterical pregnancies 7. Rur McClanahan finally breaks up with Bill Clinton 6. A mistake at the pharmacy gets the girls hooked on crack 5. Everybody sits around discussing the last Cosby show 4. In a grisly mix-up, the girls get too much fiber 3. That lovable mutt Beethoven moves in -- and steals the show! 2. During a hot flash, Betty White kills a guy 1. Doogie loses his virginity May 11, 1993 Top ten signs the guy driving your subway train isn't a transit employee ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Stops when he hits somebody 9. No matter how many times he's disappointed, can't resist tasting the sticky stuff on the floor 8. The hospital gown 7. You notice the train is cutting through a lot of backyards 6. When you stop in times square, he gives show world schedule over P.A. 5. Conductor's cap looks suspicously like a fruit loops box 4. Conductor is sitting next to you with a wad of cotton in his mouth, and tape around his wrists and ankles 3. On his badge, "transit" spelled with a "z" 2. Wearing belt buckle that says pull here for emergency stops 1. He's graffiti free May 11, 1993 Top ten signs the world is becoming overpopulated -------------------------------------------------- 10. 26-digit phone numbers 9. Nobody is rooting for Maury Povich and Connie Chung anymore 8. Roger Clinto's concert -- Sold out 7. In parts of asia, not only carpooling, but pantspooling 6. There's now a two-and-a-half hour wait to get into Cher's bedroom 5. It's bad enough dying of thirst out in the middle of the desert, but all the pushing and shoving! 4. Two Gaps on every block 3. China just made it illegal to move your arms away from your sides 2. Suddenly there are ten women breaking into my house 1. Too many damn "EDs"! May 13, 1993 Top ten things overheard during Clinton's trip to N.Y. ------------------------------------------------------- 10. "Get out of my way, Fatso" 9. "It'll be $15 for the phony headline 'President Clinton's popularity soars'" 8. "Okay give me your presidential wallet and just keep walking" 7. "Where can I get me one of those 'Whack-a-Perots'?" 6. "I'm sorry I can't find a 'Flowers' on the guest list" 5. "I'm the president damn it! Now give me another spare rib" 4. "Those aren't hummingbirds, Mr. President. They're stray bullets" 3. "Look at all the hookers, yipppeeee!" 2. "Get your hillbilly ass out of the intersection" 1. "Hey, tax this" May 14, 1993 Dan Quayle's top ten complaints about Japan -------------------------------------------- 10. Long skinny breadsticks taste like wood 9. Too much emphasis on learning and smartness 8. Why can't they use American money like other 49 states? 7. Couldn't figure out squiggly lines on side of cereal box 6. Weird looks when you order sushi "medium" 5. Tricky Japanese doorknobs no easier than American ones 4. Unable to find their so-called "great wall" 3. Their words for "Vice President" sounds suspiciously like "yankee bonehead" 2. Too close to Vietnam 1. Everybody speaks French or something May 17, 1993 Top ten ways this show would be different if it were produced in Mexico ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10. In lieu of ill-fitting sportcoat, ill-fitting serape 9. Technically speaking, the audience would not merely be sleeping -- They'd be enjoying an afternoon siesta 8. Paul Shaffer replaced by giant dancing te amo cigar 7. Stupid human tricks would often end in death 6. I'd get speeding tickets from Mexican police 5. More jokes about President Salinas' loser brother Arty Salinas 4. More chances to say "yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" 3. G.E. executives now called pinata heads 2. Larry Bud would be on top of Mexico City capital building with giant sign: "muerde me!" 1. xDTwo words: Senor Buttafuoco May 18, 1993 Top ten other changes in the CBS evening news ---------------------------------------------- 10. Title changed to "Hangin' with Mr. Rather" 9. Dan now used mostly to stand in wind tunnel and demonstrate force of hurricanes 8. If your tv picture turns blue it means shes pregnant 7. Dan and Connie begin each show by singing duet from "Beauty and the Beast" 6. More lame phone calls to Buenos Aires 5. Dan won't be able to stash his playboys in the news desk anymore 4. Three words: Matching news unitards 3. Lots of sexual tension -- they might be doing it, but no one's really sure 2. At end of each newscast Connie and Dan introduce their daughter Chastity 1. Plenty of cursing May 19, 1993 Top ten little known facts about "Cheers" ------------------------------------------ 10. Theres been talk of actually putting the "Cheers" logo on hats and T-shirts 9. Ted Danson's hair is as real as the beer 8. During show's ten-year history George Wendt ate 375 million peanuts 7. Original choice for role of Sam Malone? Bea Arthur 6. Any unused liquor after last taping goes directly to G.E. executives 5. Show has won four emmys for "Best portrayal of a bar frquented by a fat guy and a mailman" 4. Ted Danson is 67 years old 3. Real life bars that are actually named "Cheers" always suck 2. To help actors feel like they're at a bar, there's actual vomit in the restroom 1. Norm played by two midgets in a big coat May 20, 1993 Top ten signs your husbands a loser ------------------------------------ 10. Shirt is never tucked or completely untucked 9. Moves his lips when he watches TV 8. Keeps leaning over to ask questions about the "Ernest" movie 7. Always quoting Urkel 6. Nobody has called him "Mr. Vice-President" in four months 5. Your wedding ring looks a lot like a greasy washer 4. Among tapes in his permanent video library; All the Bud Bowls 3. Spending hours a day inside a Mickey Mouse suit, doesn't work for Disney 2. His teenage girlfriend shoots you in the head 1. Sex is awkward wearing E.T. pajamas May 21, 1993 Top ten signs America is losing its power ------------------------------------------- 10. Even the French aren't afraid of us and they're afraid of everybody 9. President more worried about hair than country 8. Only export left: cake mix 7. More and more people referring to us as "just part of Canada" 6. National symbol changed from Eagle to Deer Tick 5. U.S. submarines now deliver overseas UPS packages 4. Has just lost "powerful nation" discount at participating Red Lobsters 3. Marcel Marceau kicked Chuck Norris' ass in a bar fight 2. Japan's leader: "Imperial son of heaven"; Our leader:"Bubba" 1. Granada asking for rematch May 24, 1993 (Originally aired July 24, 1992) Top ten reasons Bush should dump Quayle ---------------------------------------- 10. Getting harder and harder to drag him away from his ant farm 9. Dairy Queen now hiring 8. Too time-consuming for pentagon to prepare all his breifings in comic book format 7. Keeps eating white house gold fish 6. Was fooling around with phone and accidently ordered olympic triple cast 5. Tired of wasting valuable time in cabinet meetings untangling him from phone cord 4. He and Barbara hugging just a little too long lately 3. Secret service tired of bathing him 2. With advancing age he's starting to lose his keen intellectual edge 1. Throws like a girl