From the new "Late Show": Top Ten Lists, January 1994 - present. ---> January 3, 1993 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Clinton's New Year's Resolutions ======================================== 10. Prove that Domino's violated Constitution by stopping 30-minute delivery policy 9. Finally tell Hillary about him and Janet Reno 8. See if the Neptunian Galaxy Masters have any new orders for him 7. Disband Air Force One Mile-High Club 6. Drop Gennifer Flowers from MCI "Friends and Family" plan 5. Call Perot in middle of night, yell "Que pasa, little man?" and hang up 4. Gently break news to Reagan that he doesn't live in the White House more 3. Change Socks' litter box daily 2. Change Roger's litter box daily 1. Summit with Ronald McDonald ---> January 4, 1993 <--- ======================================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At Barbara Streisand's Concert ======================================================= 10. "I hand in 14 guns and all I get is one stinkin' ticket" 9. "People...people who get $5 million per concert...are the luckiest people" 8. "Funny Girl Nachos here. Get your Funny Girl Nachos" 7. "I'm Mark Russel, and I do a version of that song called 'You Don't Send Me Gennifer Flowers'" 6. "Enjoying the show, Bubbles?" 5. "Hey -- at these prices, I can only afford to hear her every 20 years" 4. "What's Giuliani's kid doing onstage?" 3. "Look who's crying in the front row -- it's that sissy Letterman!" (Dave is shown crying in the audience, wiping his eyes with a tissue) 2. "Oh, boy -- she's putting on the fake beard! It must be time for the ZZ Top Medley!" 1. "Lookout! Parachute guy!" ---> January 5, 1994 <--- ============================================================== Top Ten Words That Sound Great When Spoken By James Earl Jones ============================================================== **As read by James Earl Jones himself!** 10. Mellifluous 9. Verisimiltude 8. Guppy 7. Stolichnaya 6. Boutros-Boutros Ghali 5. Neo-Synephrine 4. Pinhead 3. Mujibar and Sirajul 2. Heebie-Jeebies 1. Oprah ---> January 6, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Dave's New Year's Resolutions ===================================== 10. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cheese-filled weenies 9. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show -- "Davecapades!" 8. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle 7. Tape all the NFL games on CBS 6. Return camera number 3 to NBC (Here, Dave shows camera number 3 -- with an NBC logo on the side) 5. Stop laughing every time I say "The Fox Network" 4. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom 3. To always remain loyal to this fine network -- unless another network comes up with some more money 2. Learn to teeterboard nude (This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding naked) 1. Four words: Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman ---> January 7, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Good Things About Having The Flu ======================================== 10. "Sister Act 2" actually entertaining when viewed with a high fever 9. Sometimes it's just nice to be "clammy" 8. Can use forehead to warm dinner rolls 7. If you're an actor, and you're playing a guy who sneezes a lot, say hello to Oscar! 6. Fact that you're teeming with parasites makes you feel like Cher 5. If your temperature goes up to 106, you can bring the thermometer to radio station "Kiss 106" and get a free "Kiss 106" bumper sticker 4. Can spend day in front of TV and lose yourself in Oprah 3. If you ask politely, mailman will rub Vick's Vaporub into your chest 2. Get to stay at home and do what you really want (Here, a clip is shown of Dave at home, throwing axes at a wall) 1. Getting gooned on NyQuil ---> January 10, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Signs You Have A Dumb Cat ================================= 10. Instead of purring, makes sound like a stalling Cessna 9. Only seems content when suction-cupped to your car's rear window 8. Believes he's related to Kitty Dukakis 7. Becomes hypnotized whenever Ross Perot is on Larry King 6. Gets between the President and a plate of nachos (Socks only) 5. When playing "Jeopardy", always forgets to phrase answers in the form of a question 4. Let Fox network get NFL Football 3. Believes the Trump marriage will last for years to come 2. No matter how many times you explain it, he can't understand the Clapper (Dave is shown with his cat on the couch, clapping his hands as the lamp next to him goes on and off, telling the cat how it works) 1. Ask to be neutered by Bob Barker personally ---> January 11, 1994 <--- =========================== Top Ten Videotape Leftovers =========================== **Well, the only way to get the full effect of this list is to see the episode. I'll try to explain the clips that were shown...** 10. Christmas at Dave's house (Dave sitting on his couch, drinking egg nog from a huge punch bowl, getting most of it all over the front of himself) 9. Dave plays his fiddle (A guy that sort of looks like Dave playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races) 8. Dave gets electrocuted (Dave is in the basement of the theater, standing in front of some wiring, and asks the person he's with, "Do you think that's grounded?" He then grabs the wire, sparks fly out of it and he screams) 7. Tommy Lasorda swimming laps (Mr. Lasorda swimming laps in a pool, complete with goggles and flippers) 6. Dave relaxing at home (Dave is at home throwing axes into a wall) 5. Dave gets electrocuted again (Dave is hooked up to electrodes, and the screen displays "9 x 6". Dave answers, "96", and he's electrocuted) 4. Paul caught in ceiling fan (Paul is hanging onto two blades of a spinning ceiling fan) 3. Dave in the early 70's (It's a picture of some very creepy looking guy that sort of looks like Dave, taken in the early 70's) 2. Dave gets electrocuted again (Dave is sitting at a kitchen table, eating corn on the cob which is plugged into an electrical outlet) 1. Vice President Al Gore says... (Buttafuoco) ---> January 12, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Signs Your Shop Teacher Is Nuts ======================================= 10. Drinks two gallons of marine varnish a week 9. Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane..." 8. Shouts "Watch this -- You don't need a hammer if you have a steel plate in your skull" 7. Same project, semester after semester: Make your own coffin 6. Favorite game: Fill my pants with sawdust 5. Guns 'N' Roses recorded one of his songs 4. He's built himself a plywood girlfriend 3. If someone loses a finger, everyone loses a finger 2. Arranges bandsaw safety demonstration by Lorena Bobbitt 1. Calls the drill press "mommy" ---> January 13, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Bobbitt Trial ============================================= 10. "Who ordered the Diet Slice?" 9. "Could Your Honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?" 8. "Mr. Bobbitt, please rise" 7. "I paid $500 for this ticket, now deemed, I want to see Streisand sing!" 6. "What's Andrew Giuliani doing here?" 5. "One million bucks. All you've gotta do is say you used a Ginsu" 4. "Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the Velcro Corporation, and we've got an idea for an ad" 3. "If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "I said, place your HAND on the bible" 1. "Look out, Lorena's got the gavel!" ---> January 14, 1994 <--- =========================================================== Top Ten Things Gore Does When Clinton Is Out Of The Country =========================================================== 10. Cruises around in Air Force One picking up chicks 9. Waits patiently at White House gate like a lonely Labrador Retriever 8. Plays Tic Tac Toe with cabs (Earlier, Dave and Paul were on the top floor of the theater. They had megaphones and were directing cabs with large X's and O's painted on their roofs to the appropriate squares on a Tic Tac Toe board painted on the street) 7. Same as when Clinton's in the country: Spends day using massive head to bust coconuts 6. Give out hams! (Dave gave out canned hams to lucky audience members all evening) 5. Slaps around George Stephanopoulos 4. Puts on giant mouse costume and scares the hell out of Socks 3. Breaks into Clinton's secret stash of Presidential fries (The same animation of Clinton's head and french fries spinning around to the music of "2001" was played) 2. Calls Dan Quayle's house and says "Is the genius there?" 1. Practices the ol' pocket veto ---> January 17, 1994 <--- ================================================================ Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Shovel Your Driveway ================================================================ 10. Doesn't seem sure which end of shovel to use 9. He's over 80 and has a Medic Alert bracelet 8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves 7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum cleaner and an extension cord 6. Midway through the job he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs (All evening Dave had a guy in a bear suit hailing cabs in New York City) 5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees 4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys 'R' Us 3. He's too busy disrupting dad's inauguration speech to finish 2. You get a half-hearted recommendation from his wife, Marilyn Quayle 1. Doesn't finish till mid-July ---> January 18, 1994 <--- ====================================================== Top Ten Reasons Clinton Is Glad To Be Back In The U.S. ====================================================== 10. Time difference made it too hard to stay up for "American Gladiators" 9. It was real damn scary being out in the world without his kitty cat 8. Excited to see how much he can get for the Faberge Eggs he swiped from the Kremlin 7. Europeans are less polite about lousy saxophone playing 6. Good old American French Fries! (The animation of President Clinton's head and a box of french fries, revolving to the "2001" music, was played here) 5. Gore's 24-hour feeder almost empty 4. European bathrooms had some kind of weird sink for midgets 3. Good old American French Fries! (The same animation was played here) 2. Didn't want to miss any more of Court TV's coverage of the Bobbitt trial 1. Russian women look like Bob Dole ---> January 19, 1994 <--- ================================ Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Cold ================================ 10. Youngsters trading in handguns for Isotoner Gloves 9. Dan Rather doing news fron Connie's lap 8. Only 300 people left alive on east coast 7. It's actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway 6. Times Square hookers charge $20 just to blow on your hands 5. Last night, for a full twenty seconds, Bea Arthur stopped sweating 4. Portions of Al Sharpton have been closed 3. President Clinton chipped a tooth on a french fry (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Andrew Giuliani restricted to annoying people indoors 1. Trump's using a de-icer on Marla ---> January 20, 1994 <--- ===================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions ===================================================================== 10. "Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono" 9. "I'm sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they're Bill Wyman's date" 8. "Jerry Garcia couldn't make it tonight -- here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street" 7. "Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?" 6. "Here, take Cesar Romero's seat" 5. "How did Tonya Harding get voted in?" 4. "What a coincidence, Mr. McCartney! I played you in the Chicago cast of 'Beatlemania', and now I'm your waiter!" 3. "On no, they're letting Letterman perform!" (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races") 2. "Earthquake! Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell off his chair" 1. "Run for your life it's Elton John's hair!" ---> January 21, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Questions Larry King Asked Clinton ========================================== 10. "Boxers or briefs?" 9. "What's the strangest place you and the missus have made whoopie?" 8. "Is that Bobby Ray Inman nuts or what?" 7. "Would you like to touch my suspenders?" 6. "Should I ask you the questions, or put them directly to Hillary?" 5. "You jog every day. You're fat. What gives?" 4. "Under your Health Care Plan, would I be eligible for a pair of less dorky eyeglasses?" 3. "Hey, Bubba, more fries?" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "Why can't Letterman just pay his tolls like a normal person?" (Poor Dave forgot his money to pay tolls on his way to work on Thursday, and while he was filling out papers to get through, a kind woman paid for him, who appeared on the show this evening. Dave reimbursed her for one token, and one extra for being so kind.) 1. "Want Perot to bring you a soda?" ---> January 31, 1994 <--- ============================================================= Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills Coach Marv Levy Said At Halftime ============================================================= 10. "We won! Wooo! We're Super Bowl champs!" 9. "Boy, I'm sleepy. You guys sleepy?" 8. "We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing themselves out" 7. "Now get out there and rest on your laurels!" 6. "Hey, Kelly. Leave some champagne for everyone else!" 5. "What do you mean there's two more quarters?" 4. "Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the Gatorade on me" 3. "Okay, boys -- get out there and start sucking!" 2. "Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland" 1. "Hey fellas, more fudge?" ---> February 1, 1994 <--- ================================================= Top Ten Ways $10 Million Will Change The Slivniks ================================================= 10. No more generic toilet paper...it's Charmin time! 9. MasterCard will raise their credit limit from $2,000 to "Go nuts, Chester!" 8. Can take a real cruise instead of that one with Kathie Lee 7. You know eggs? Those round, white things you have for breakfast? Well, my friends, get used to calling them "Slivniks" 6. Can now afford to buy President Clinton lots of french fries (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 5. Future junk mail from Publishers Clearing House will read, "You may have already won another ten million dollars!" 4. Every evening, a fresh case of Colt .45 will be delivered to their doorstep by Mr. Billy Dee Williams 3. All the wheat they can eat! (Dave showed off his record collection, and one song was from an album named Number One Hard from the Canada Grain Industry. This song was dedicated to wheat, with the following lyrics: Wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, makes your life complete!) 2. Can hire guy to take out granddaughter's figure skating rival 1. Mr. Slivnik has a shot at Marla Maples ---> February 2, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Jeff Gillooly ========================================== 10. Jeff Giloony 9. Jeff Gluey 8. Jif Gellahee 7. Jeff Goldblum 6. Gilly Ooly Ooly Gilly Goo 5. Prisoner #3275 4. Mr. Magooly 3. Chef Boyardee 2. Boutros Boutros Gillooly 1. Guilty ---> February 3, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Oliver North Campaign Slogans ===================================== 10. "I'll trade arms for your vote" 9. "Don't make me get a real job" 8. "At least you already know that I'm a liar" 7. "A man of convictions, none of them pending" 6. "Shred this!" 5. "I've seen Ronald Reagan naked" 4. "Every American will have pizza delivered by the Rockettes!" (The Rockettes were lined up to a pizza place around the corner from the theater, and passed a slice of pizza from person to person, while kicking to the tune of "New York, New York" until it finally reached Dave) 3. "Paper shredder + potatoes = delicious french fries for President Clinton" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "If I-ran/Contra, I can run the country!" 1. "I nailed Fawn Hall" ---> February 4, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Disney Productions In Times Square ========================================== 10. When You Wish Upon My Lap 9. Mr. Toad's Pantsless Ride 8. Space Mounting 7. Mickey & Minnie, Doing It Live! 6. Aladdin '94: "Rub This!" 5. It's a Large World 4. Mary's Poppin'! 3. Hookers of the Caribbean 2. Beauty and the Bobbitt 1. Free Willy ---> February 7, 1994 <--- =============================== Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports =============================== **To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave had Paula Zahn and Harry Smith from "CBS This Morning", playing a cello and tuba, respectively, after each entry.** 10. Pantsless Ski Jump 9. Synchronized Hockey 8. Four-man Zamboni 7. Racketeering 6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope 5. Really Drunk Luge 4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All 3. Bare-Assed Slalom 2. Bobbittsledding 1. Freestyle Gillooly ---> February 8, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At Ronald Reagan's Birthday Party ========================================================== 10. "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?" 9. "Happy Birthday to...wait stop. He's wandered off again!" 8. "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a Happy Birthday" 7. "Mommy make me cake! Cake good" 6. "More coffee, Quayle!" 5. "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula" 4. "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you know what I mean" 3. "Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here!" 2. "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!" 1. "Am I still President?" ---> February 9, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs The Beatles May Be Here Tonight ============================================= 10. Giant yellow submarine parked in front of theater 9. Street vendors selling Ringo Dogs 8. They were supposed to be on last night, but we ran out of time 7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool 6. Pete Best spotted in the standby tickets line 5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book 4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK 3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session (Here, they played that famous clip of a guy that sort of looks like Dave playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races) 2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe 1. Hell has just frozen over ---> February 10, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Questions Connie Chung Asked Tonya Harding ================================================== 10. "Would you walk through the metal detector one more time, please?" 9. "Do you think you could kick my ass?" 8. "Can you help me and Maury have a baby?" 7. "How much do you think your pals would charge to whack Dan Rather's knees?" 6. "What the hell is that Cop on the Edge thing?" (All night, Dave had little skits with Bruno Kirby as the "Cop on the Edge") 5. "Do you know Amy Fisher?" 4. "When he hit Nancy in the knee, did it sort of sound like 'Chunnnggg'?" 3. "Did you see the Beatles reunion on Letterman last night?" (Here they played the clip from Wednesday's show of Calvert DeForest, as the Beatles, singing one of their tunes) 2. "How many packs of cigarettes is a gold medal worth in prison?" 1. "Can you spell 'Gillooly'?" ---> February 11, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Medal ============================================= 10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show 9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money 8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants 7. Two words: Team Fiji 6. Instead of the Olympic Village you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn 5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us gift certificate 4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit 3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your living room wall. (Here, the famous clip of Dave throwing axes into his living room wall was shown.) 2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold 1. Your name is Tonya Harding ---> February 14, 1994 <--- ============================= Top Ten Fabio's Pick-Up Lines ============================= **Fabio made a special appearance for this list, reading each entry after Dave said the number** 10. Can I buy you a drink after I finish my 2,000 sit-ups? 9. Don't you think the "No Shirt, No Service" policy is ridiculous? 8. Wanna help me choose a last name? 7. You look hungry. I will microwave you a burrito 6. How would you like to ride a finely tuned Italian love machine? 5. Did you know that "Fabio" is Italian for "Fonzie"? 4. Yo, Mama, what it is? Let's you and me get it on! 3. Who do you like better -- Beavis or Butthead? 2. I find you very attractive even though your chest is much smaller than mine 1. Wow! You are almost as beautiful as me! ---> February 15, 1994 <--- =============================================== Top Ten Things Overheard In The Olympic Village =============================================== 10. "Lead pipes! Get your lead pipes here!" 9. "Let's count all the fat guys in luge suits" 8. "My name's Michael Jordan and I'm here to enter the ski jump competition" 7. "How do you say 'screw you' in Norwegian?" 6. "I'm sorry, but I still can't find your name on the guest list, Mr. Gillooly" 5. "How much for the fake gold medals?" 4. "It must be a treat for Hillary to see real athletes instead of Bill in those jogging shorts" 3. "How 'bout a little two-man luge?" (If you know what I mean) 2. "I'm sorry Mrs. Letterman, but your son's credit card is no good" (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. "There's no way I'm rooming with Harding!" ---> February 16, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Signs Greg Gumbel Is Nuts ================================= 10. Has been eating nothing but Slim Jims and Gatorade 9. Every time the U.S. wins a medal, he takes off another article of clothing 8. Asks each of his guests, "Who's fatter, me or Bryant?" 7. The parrot and the eye patch 6. Signed a long-term contract with CBS Sports 5. Invested millions in line of soups called Greg Gumbo 4. Signs off each night with "Take that, you Norwegian bastards!" 3. Drank quart of Old Milwaukee and tried to extinguish Olympic torch 2. Officially changed name to Greg Gumbel-Gillooly 1. Keeps proposing to my mom (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) ---> February 17, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Not Winning A Gold Medal ================================================== 10. No problem getting through the metal detector on the trip home 9. Five words: Year's supply of Turtle Wax 8. Sure they give you the gold medal, but they make you pay plenty for the matching earrings 7. Aren't subject to Clinton's new "Gold Medal Tax" 6. Instead of being "Joe, the Fastest Skier in the World," it's kind of nice just to be "Dorky Ol' Joe" 5. Sympathy goes a long way with Norwegian chicks 4. You won't get mugged for it on the D-Train 3. Don't have to go to White House and jog with bloated president 2. Fame and wealth often inspire strangers to break into your home 1. Gillooly won't push for a reconciliation ---> February 18, 1994 <--- ========================================= Top Ten Norwegian Nicknames For Americans ========================================= **To assist in the presentation of this list, Dave's mom, live from Norway, read each entry after Dave read the number** 10. Star-Spangled Ninnies 9. Opraholics 8. Djorks 7. Knee-Clubbers 6. Gap-Toothed T.V. Boy 5. Tommymoes 4. Nordic Track Sissies 3. Gilloolys 2. McButtheads **Gold medal speed skater Dan Jansen presented this final entry live from Norway** 1. Bobbitteers ---> February 21, 1994 <--- ==================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Taping Of The Jackson Family Special ==================================================================== 10. "How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?" 9. "Once again, please welcome the Jackson Family Lawyers!" 8. "No kidding? He's my plastic surgeon too!" 7. "That's odd...I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'" 6. "More fudge, Miss Taylor?" 5. "Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy..." 4. "Good news, Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating Michael..." 3. "What's La Toya doing with that lead pipe?" 2. "It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again" 1. "Sing something, you weirdo!" ---> February 22, 1994 <--- =========================== Top Ten Olympian Pet Peeves =========================== 10. Having to spend so much time with freakin' foreigners 9. When they run out of medals and just give you a wadded-up piece of Reynolds Wrap 8. There's just not enough coverage of the Tonya/Nancy rivalry 7. You compete, you win the gold, but Monday morning you have to be back at work at the Pizza Hut 6. When Marv Albert follows you around looking for bloopers 5. Falling a few hundredths of a second short on your wedding night 4. When you're in 37th place and some moron is still screaming "Go for the gold!" 3. You marry one of your Olympic teammates and forever after your name is "Picabo Moe" 2. Getting stopped in the middle of a bobsled run by one of those squeegee guys 1. Chapped ass ---> February 23, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Ways To Make The Olympics More Fun ========================================== 10. Let biathlon competitors shoot at each other 9. Require ski jumpers to scream "Weeeeeeeeee" as they come down 8. Automatic gold if your luge hits a moose 7. Bobsled must have four guys all named Bob 6. New sport: Olympic Ass-Kissing 5. Medal ceremony includes lengthy open-mouth kisses from Dick Button 4. Instead of counting down 3-2-1 Go, count down 3-2-1 Gillooly 3. Everyone's ice dancing partner: Willard Scott 2. Let my mom enter sledding competition (Dave's mom is in Norway covering the Olympics for the Late Show, and they showed a clip of her reindeer sledding) 1. More rock, less Tonya ---> February 24, 1994 <--- ============================= Top Ten Tonya Harding Excuses ============================= 10. Inhaled a sequin 9. Shouldn't have had Grand Slam Breakfast at Lillehammer Denny's 8. Was weighed down by bundles of cash from "Inside Edition" 7. Got scared by Nancy Kerrigan's giant teeth 6. Two words: Rented Skates 5. Got pre-skate talk by Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy 4. Couldn't compete against Dave and Paul (Last night, Dave and Paul went ice skating during the show) 3. Got mixed up before competition and hit self in knee with lead pipe 2. Partying late night before with Dave's mom (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. Couldn't land the Triple Gillooly ---> February 25, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Signs You're Tired Of The Olympics ========================================== 10. All that's left of your Olympic fever is a dry hacking cough 9. You imagine your hands around the throat of that Coke-drinking polar bear 8. You say, "Oh good, 'Hangin' with Mr. Cooper' is on tonight" 7. Whenever the Olympic theme music ends you find you've put another fork into the back of your hand 6. You're NBC President Warren Littlefield 5. You decide against naming your baby girl Picabo 4. Your name is Bonnie Blair and you've starting using your five gold medals as coasters 3. Actually watched "The Jackson Family Honors" 2. You beg your son to let you return to Indiana (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for the Late Show) 1. No longer laugh at the name Gillooly ---> February 28, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be A Russian Spy ===================================================== 10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips 9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was 'I married a Russian Spy' 8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop 7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA 6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk 5. Takes a lot of "souvenir photos" of classified documents 4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Comrade Boss is good, no?" 3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin 2. Wears one of them big-ass fuzzy hats 1. Everywhere you look: Borscht! ---> March 1, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys ======================================= 10. "Flea, Sting. Sting, Flea" 9. "Yes, I was in . Now can I please show you to your seat?" 8. "If I sign up a hundred peop le to do a duet with Sinatra, I win a mini-bike" 7. "Call 9-1-1 -- oh, nevermind, Keith Richards always looks like that" 6. "I believe Cher's new lips are still covered under warranty" 5. "...And now the border collies will herd Aerosmith into a cab" (Dave had a sheep-herder and his dogs on the show. The dogs moved five sheep from the lobby of the theater into a waiting cab.) 4. "Ice Cube, Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf, Ice Cube" 3. "I didn't know Letterman played the fiddle" (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races") 2. "Sorry Madonna -- no shirt, no shoes, no service" 1. "Peabo, Picabo. Picabo, Peabo" Well, before the top ten list, I must make an addendum to yesterday's list. Entry #9 should have read: 9. "Yes, I was in _MILLI VANILLI_. Now can I please show you to your seat?" I don't know what happened to the words "Milli Vanilli". In the file on my computer it says it. It must have happened when I uploaded it to be sent out. Anyway, here's the list for March 2, 1994. ---> March 2, 1994 <--- ====================== Top Ten Singable Names ====================== **To assist in the presentation of this Top Ten List, Dave had the "Late Show Backup Singers" sing each name** 10. Vladimir Zhirinovsky 9. Shaquille O'Neal 8. George Stephanopoulos 7. Abe Vigoda 6. Picabo Street 5. Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. 4. Morley Safer 3. Newt Gingrich 2. Jeff Gillooly **And, singing the number one entry, Tony Bennet** 1. Boutros Boutros-Ghali ---> March 3, 1994 <--- =================================================== Top Ten Nancy Kerrigan Complaints About Disneyworld =================================================== 10. Saw enough damn foreigners at the Olympics 9. Mickey beat her out for "Employee of the Month" by one tenth of a point 8. Had to share a bathroom with the Country Bears 7. Incompetent security allowed Jack Nicholson to attack her float with a 9-iron 6. Pressure to star with Tonya Harding in remake of "Lady and the Tramp" 5. It's the most corniest place she's ever been to 4. She has to stand there and smile while kids whack her in the knees with plastic toy pipes 3. Scary Space Mountain ride makes her giant teeth chatter 2. "Goofy" sounds too much like "Gillooly" 1. Donald Duck all hands ---> March 15, 1994 <--- =========================================== Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Accountant =========================================== 10. Asks you how many monies you made this year 9. The calculator he's been adding numbers on is actually a TV remote control 8. What he calls "tax forms", most people call "paper hats" 7. Accompanies you to your audit wearing a bunny suit 6. Takes you aside and whispers, "Between you, me, and the lamppost -- a nine's more or less the same thing as a six, right?" 5. When filling out your form, asks, "What color crayon should I use?" 4. You recognize him as the guy who played 'Horshack' on "Welcome Back, Kotter" 3. Repeatedly grabs himself and says, "Deduct this, am I right?!" 2. Tells you that strangers living in your house can be declared as dependents 1. His only other client: Willie Nelson ---> March 16, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee ======================================== 10. When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down 9. You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize -- you're not in a car 8. You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great idea! A Disneyworld in France! We'll call it EuroDisney!" 7. You can't stop saying, "No" (Earlier in the show, Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 6. Last time you got good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin 5. You're shaking like Mexican space shuttle 4. You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your regular coffee with Folger's Crystals 3. You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm (A car alarm was going off outside the theater earlier, and Dave went out to the Hello Deli next door and got pea soup to pour on the engine) 2. Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of your ears (Self-explanatory...) 1. You're up to four heart attacks a day ---> March 21, 1994 <--- ============================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards ============================================== 10. "Check it out -- Siskel's sitting on Ebert's lap" 9. "And the winner is -- Owww! Paper cut!" 8. "I can't believe it! That's 9 Oscars for 'Sister Act 2'!" 7. "Heads up! Jack Nicholson's got a nine iron!" 6. "And now, ladies and gentleman [sic], what you've all been waiting for -- that weird old coot who does the one-armed push-ups!" 5. "Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Ernest. Ernest, Ace Ventura Pet Detective." 4. "Will that be snubbing or non-snubbing, Miss Streisand?" 3. "Is that another aftershock or did Marlon Brando just walk in?" 2. "And the Oscar goes to Burt Reynolds for 'Cop and a Half'...Just kidding, Burt! Sit your goofy ass down." 1. "Hey look! Price & Waterhouse are gettin' it on!" ---> March 22, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Cabbie Nicknames For Passengers ======================================= **Each entry of this list was displayed on the roof of a cab, viewed by an overhead camera as the cab passed the theater** 10. Vinyl Jockeys 9. Curb Monkeys 8. Suckers 7. Hail Marys 6. Americans 5. Casualties 4. Hostages 3. Dipsticks 2. Soap-A-Holics 1. Fare-ies ---> March 23, 1994 <--- ================================== Top Ten Slogans For The Wonder Bra ================================== 10. Breakfast for Your Chest 9. The Quicker Picker-upper 8. The Bra Schwarzkopf Wore in Desert Storm! 7. Up, Up, and Away 6. As Seen on "The Golden Girls!" 5. You'll Never Need an Airbag Again! 4. Say Goodbye to Masking Tape and Staples 3. Does More Lifting and Separating Before 8 A.M. Than Most Bras Do All Day 2. Looks Great, More Filling 1. Leave it to Cleavage! ---> March 28, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Barbra Streisand ================================================== 10. You see all of history as being divided into two main periods: Pre-Yentil and Post-Yentil 9. You refuse to buy People magazine because you think they ripped off the title from her song 8. You're in federal prison for gluing a giant wig and fake nose onto the head of the Lincoln Memorial 7. You come to after a huge natural gas explosion and say, "Forget about me, how's Barbra Streisand?" 6. By dating her you risk destroying your marriage and your presidency 5. You spend hours in bookstores crossing "Einstein" out of science books and writing in "Streisand" 4. Two words: restraining order 3. The "Funny Lady" tattoo on your ass 2. You write her long rambling letters about your new CBS talk show 1. You are Barbra Streisand ---> March 29, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Thoughts On The Mind Of Roger Clinton's Bride ===================================================== 10. Maybe now's a good time to ask Roger exactly what he does for a living 9. Oh no, I put Stephanopolous at the children's table! 8. I can't believe that idiot brother of his wore running shorts to the wedding 7. How much longer can I pretend I enjoy Roger's singing? 6. It could be worse. I could be marrying an untalented loser whose brother isn't the President 5. I have made the greatest sacrifice a KGB agent can make 4. Hey, leave some of them little cocktail weenies for the rest of us, Mr. President! 3. A Mr. Coffee from Lloyd Bentsen...that cheap bastard! 2. That was nice of Bill to give us our own little plot of land up there in -- what did he call it -- Whitewater? 1. At least I didn't marry into the Jackson family ---> March 30, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Financial Tips ======================================== 10. Don't buy furniture -- borrow it from the Smithsonian 9. Raise everybody's taxes -- and start grabbin' with both hands, Chester! 8. Whatever you do, don't buy land in Arkansas 7. Three words: Extra Value Meal 6. Aim scud at Perot. Take a billion 5. Buy low. Sell for $100,000 4. Instead of an expensive name brand stuffing, load your husband up on sawdust 3. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Socks to a medical testing lab 2. For a quick couple bucks, lease out Roger to a medical testing lab 1. Scalp Streisand tickets ---> March 31, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York ===================================== 10. Street vendors change hot dog water 9. Air is filled with 9mm, "NYC Hummingbirds" 8. Cab drivers yell, "It's a lovely spring day. Now get out of the road you stupid bastard!" 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets 4. Al Sharpton switches to a lightweight medallion 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws (A clip is shown of Biff drinking coffee, while some sprays out of his ears) 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack 1. Everywhere you look -- adorable baby rats ---> April 1, 1994 <--- ====================================== Top Ten Signs The Easter Bunny Is Nuts ====================================== 10. Hides all the eggs in his pants 9. "Bite me" shaved into the fur on his back 8. Last Tuesday doctors removed 17 pounds of plastic Easter grass from his stomach 7. Has been caught pelting cars with eggs on the Cross Bronx Expressway 6. Much like President Clinton, can only say "No, no, no, no" (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 5. Home filled with thousands of old bodybuilding magazines & empty cans of Spaghetti-O's 4. Despite a restraining order, still stalking Mrs. Claus 3. Claims he made $100,000 trading cattle futures without breaking any laws 2. Every time he hops he falls on his ass 1. Booked Madonna on his talk show (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a sailor" all through the interview) ---> April 4, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Ways The Mets Can Improve ================================= 10. Simple team rule: No hits, no pancakes. 9. Set goals lower and try to make Little League World Series 8. Curry favor with umpire by helping him make huge profit in cattle futures 7. Chewing tobacco with steroids 6. Get rid of Darryl Strawberry 5. Bench entire team, give bat to trained monkey 4. Maximum 2 arrests per season for all players 3. Hire ghost of Ty Cobb to hang around dugout and give out kicks in the ass 2. Throw opposing pitcher off his game by using f-word 13 times (Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she said the f-word 13 times during the interview) 1. Across-the-board 25% reduction in sucking ---> April 5, 1994 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Ways Charles Kuralt Will Spend His Retirement ===================================================== 10. Move to Seattle, get a band together 9. He's the new super on "Melrose Place" 8. Just wait quietly at home for Kuraltmania to sweep the country 7. Driving around rest home in a golfcart flicking lights "on" and "off" 6. Watering and trimming Andy Rooney's eyebrows 5. 12 hours a day making macaroni and cheese, 12 hours a day eating macaroni and cheese 4. Three words: Rap Video Cameos 3. Start up RV. Sit in driveway. Drink beer. Repeat. 2. Get totally buffed and then kick some ass on "American Gladiators" 1. Cruisin' for babes with Walter Cronkite ---> April 6, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Surprises In The Clinton's Old Tax Returns ================================================== 10. Socks spent over $1,000 a year in office supplies 9. Lost $500,000 investing in specialty clothing store called "Big Bubba's" 8. In 1978, under "Occupation", wrote "Ambitious Hillbilly" 7. Claimed thighs as dependents 6. From 1978-92, filed a W-2 with Gennifer Flowers 5. Hillary made $100,000 from picking up discarded soda bottles 4. President Clinton reported extra income wrestling under the name, "The Arkansas Fat Boy" 3. Large donations to American French Fry Manufacturers Association (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Took obscure deduction for brother Roger as a "mentally feeble house pet" 1. President Clinton's real name...Susan ---> April 7, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Ways To Annoy An I.R.S. Agent ===================================== 10. Instead of I.R.S., pronounce it "IRS" 9. Whenever he starts using his calculator, start yelling out a bunch of numbers 8. Tape all your receipts up into a giant ball and then whip it at his head 7. Pour a jar of honey on your W-2, let a bear loose in his office 6. Be Leona Helmsley 5. Tell him "You know who makes a lot of money? That Oprah" 4. Keep saying, "1040, good buddy!" 3. Whenever he disallows a deduction, say "Oh, Mr. Gotti isn't going to like that..." 2. List his wife under "Entertainment Expenses" 1. Keep yelling "Hey, audit this!" ---> April 8, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Having Madonna On Your Talk Show ========================================================== **Madonna was a guest on the Late Show on March 30, and she "swore like a sailor" all through the interview.** 10. The host can sit back, relax and let the censors do all the work 9. It's just a pleasure to match wits with a genuine conversationalist of the old school 8. In just 15 minutes, makes it feel like you've done a whole week of shows 7. She'll frighten any remaining rats out of your theater 6. 13 in a row, commercial-free obscenities! (Madonna said the f-word 13 times during the interview) 5. For the first time, you truly understand why Sean Penn went nuts 4. Two words: Free Underpants! (As Madonna walked on stage, she gave Dave a pair of her underpants) 3. Even the ghost of Ed Sullivan gets some action 2. You get to spend more time with her than if you were just having sex 1. It makes your mom proud ---> April 18, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Excuses For Filing Your Taxes Late ========================================== 10. Thought late fees would make a nice deduction. 9. H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow. 8. Finished entire Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake. Got sleepy. 7. Think about it: The longer you make the I.R.S. wait for your returns, the more excited they'll be when they finally get 'em! 6. Was busy playing ping pong with Carol Channing. (A clip was shown of Dave playing ping pong with Carol Channing) 5. Still waiting to hear from Ed McMahon about that million dollar thing. 4. Got nasty papercut from 1040 form, passed out for three days from blood loss. 3. Math is real hard, dude. 2. I was working around-the-clock to try and keep Tom and Roseanne together. 1. My friend Leona said I didn't have to. ---> April 19, 1994 <--- ================================================== Top Ten Reasons Why Tom And Roseanne Are Divorcing ================================================== 10. Both no longer fit in one house 9. Tom tired of her coattails, he wants to try new coattails 8. Ran out of body space for new tattoos 7. Tom actually getting better ratings on TV than in bed 6. She's nuts, he's nuts -- it was inevitable! 5. Tom felt it was time to prove he could fail on his own 4. Tom kept leaving the cap off the giant tube of cake icing 3. Tom's friend Letterman keeps busting up their furniture with a chainsaw (A clip was shown of Dave cutting through a table with a chainsaw) 2. Never recovered from horror of seeing each other naked 1. Who cares? ---> April 20, 1994 <--- ============================================================= Top Ten Questions President Clinton Was Asked By Teens On MTV ============================================================= 10. "Will your health-care plan cover a wicked hangover?" 9. "Can you make a law that they have to play more U2 videos?" 8. "Where's the sax, Tubby?" 7. "How do you keep your thighs so pasty white?" 6. "Does Gennifer Flowers wear boxers or briefs?" 5. "Is it true you wanted to remove your pants and call this Clinton Unplugged?" 4. "Hey, like, what's with that Gore dude?" 3. "This 'United States' you keep mentioning -- is that like a band or something?" 2. "Wow -- how'd you get your ass into those shorts?" 1. "Where's Beavis, Butt-head?" ---> April 21, 1994 <--- ================================================ Top Ten President Clinton's Recurring Nightmares ================================================ 10. It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson 9. For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis" 8. Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons 7. People find out about that old Whitewater deal 6. During press conference, can't stop saying "no" (Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again) 5. Something to do with Gore in a sundress and pumps 4. He's in an operating room, the surgeon is Socks, and he's still steamed about being neutered 3. Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of his love of french fries (A new clip was shown of a robotic President Clinton walking over to a box of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting from his eyes. The two then spun around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Can't get Streisand tickets 1. Can't get Streisand ---> April 22, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Reasons Tom And Roseanne Are Getting Back Together ========================================================== 10. Tom made a really delicious sandwich 9. To show off their new "Hey, we reconciled!" tattoos 8. According to pre-nuptial agreement, divorce would have meant caning in Singapore 7. Well, it's not for more publicity, that's for sure. You can bet the house on that, Jim! 6. She loves how before coming to bed he kicks his underwear onto his head (Earlier in the show, Dave showed his video collection, and one video was called "What Women Really Want." A clip was shown of a guy talking about how he took his underwear off in front of his girlfriend, by flipping it off his foot, and catching it on his head) 5. Every time one of them tried to storm out, they got wedged in the door frame 4. She's the cheese, he's the eggs, together they're a love omelette 3. A heartfelt plea from Boutros Boutros-Ghali 2. A heartfelt plea from Pizza Hut, Inc. 1. Gravity ---> April 25, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Singapore Tourist Slogans ================================= 10. You'll never sit down again! 9. Singapore -- spanking clean! 8. Screw with us and we'll beat the crap out of you! 7. Singapore -- it's canerific! 6. Yeeeeee-ouuuuuuch! 5. We'll spray-paint any car for $99.95! 4. Give us a week and we'll take off the flesh! 3. Drop your pants, round-eyes! 2. You can bet your ass you'll have fun! 1. Bend over! ---> April 26, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Easiest Jobs In The World ================================= 10. Fan mail coordinator for Jermaine Jackson 9. Organizer of World Series Victory Parades, City of Cleveland 8. Academy Award acceptance speech writer for that "Hey, Vern" guy 7. CBS talk-show weenie 6. Whatever the hell Morty does (Robert "Morty" Morton, producer of the Late Show) 5. Mike Tyson's travel agent 4. Ointment salesman in Singapore 3. Selling french fries to President Clinton (A clip was shown of a robotic President Clinton walking over to a box of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting from his eyes. The two then spun around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Executive in charge of arranging Madonna's future "Late Show" appearances 1. Loving Oprah ---> April 26, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Easiest Jobs In The World ================================= 10. Fan mail coordinator for Jermaine Jackson 9. Organizer of World Series Victory Parades, City of Cleveland 8. Academy Award acceptance speech writer for that "Hey, Vern" guy 7. CBS talk-show weenie 6. Whatever the hell Morty does (Robert "Morty" Morton, producer of the Late Show) 5. Mike Tyson's travel agent 4. Ointment salesman in Singapore 3. Selling french fries to President Clinton (A clip was shown of a robotic President Clinton walking over to a box of McDonald's french fries, and blowing them apart with lasers shooting from his eyes. The two then spun around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Executive in charge of arranging Madonna's future "Late Show" appearances 1. Loving Oprah -----> Wednesday, May 4, 1994 <----- ========================================= Top Ten Names for the Rolling Stones' Tour ========================================= 10. Van full of grandpas. 9. The Rolling Stones Live plus Keith Richards. 8. Guitar-playin' Geezers. 7. Brown Sugar and lots of bran. 6. Metamusic. 5. The "140 million in the bank isn't enough" tour. 4. Cocoon 3. 3. Hey! You! Get offa my Barcalounger! 2. "Instruments hoooked up to the clapper" tour. 1. Grumpy old men. -----> Monday, May 16, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, the city that never sweeps, it's The Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Heather Locklear, singer Travis Tritt, and and comic book author, Harvey Peekar. Plus Paul Schaffer and the CBS orchestra. And now, a man who's filling in for the vacationing Ted Koppel, David Letterman. =========================================== Top Ten Reasons We're Glad to be Back in NY =========================================== This is Dave's first night back from his trip to LA. All of last week's shows were taped and broadcast from LA. 10. Miss the tangy tasteof Hudson River drinking water 9. Nobody rubs up against you on the LA subway 8. May is "clothing optional month" in Central Park 7. Two more days and I'd be married to Liz Taylor 6. Get cheap applause just for mentioning New York City 5. I was a little creeped out by our bellboys, Lyle and Erik 4. Two words: James Caan (This is in reference to an interview Dave had with James Caan on 5/11/94 from LA. It was an uncomfortable interview for Dave.) 3. Got tired of eating burgers with Zsa Zsa Gabor (On Friday night's show (05/13/94) from LA, Dave had a bit where he went out to several fast food restaurants with Zsa Zsa.) 2. Our middle fingers were starting to lose muscle tone 1. We missed the rats -----> Tuesday, May 17, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, a beacon of hope to criminals all over the world, it's The Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Jeff Goldblum, musical guest Sonic Youth, and political strategist Jmes Carville. Plus Paul Schaffer and The CBS Orchestra. And now, America's leading la maze instructor, David Letterman. ============================= Top Ten New Margarine Slogans ============================= [Editor's Note: Scientists have recently discovered that trans fatty acids present in margarine may actually be more dangerous than the fat presnet in butter.] 10. "I can't believe it's not healthy" 9. "Little pats of poison" 8. "You can't spell margarine without `angina'" 7. "Pure chemical satisfaction" 6. "Thought you were healthy? Well guess again, Pepe!" 5. "For external use only" 4. "Which are you gonna believe - boring laboratory studies, or cool TV commercials?" 3. "Give us a week and we'll shut off your heart" 2. "Elvis ate it, why don't you?" 1. "Mmm, Mmm, Dead!" -----> Wednesday, May 18, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Stupid Pet Tricks, Carol Burnett, and musical guest, Emmy Lou Harris. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the man who's taking Oprah to the prom, David Letterman. ====================================================== Top Ten Signs There Are Too Many Rats In New York City ====================================================== 10. On every other block there is a "Gap for Rats" 9. Often caught trying to mate with Mayor's hairpiece 8. It's practically impossible to reserve a table at any really filthy restaurants 7. One's producing the show 6. Average cab driver has at least three of them in his turban 5. Personals filled with ads like: "Furry four-legged male cheese lover seeking mate" 4. Your dinner is being bussed away from your table -- and the busboy's nowhere in sight! 3. Who cares -- Let's take another look at that surfin' cat! (Dave then showed a clip of him supposedly teaching his cat to surf in the hotel room in L.A. last week.) 2. Al Sharpton seen wearing one on a gold chain around his neck 1. Roaches starting to complain -----> Thursday, May 19, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, snack bar closes at midnight, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Barbara Walters and singer, Mariah Carey. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, chairman of the Federal Reserve, David Letterman. ========================================== Signs You Have A Bad Long Distance Company ========================================== 10. All calls are $2 for the first min., $94 each additional min. 9. Operator makes you describe what you're wearing 8. Their so-called "dial tone" is just a guy with a kazoo 7. You can only place long distance calls during an electrical storm 6. They bill you for calls made by some guy named Pepe, and when you complain they say, "Whatsa problem, man, you no like Pepe?" 5. Whenever you call their office, you hear gunfire 4. For some reason, your phone doesn't work unless you're wearing 3-D glasses 3. Everyone you talk to sounds like the guy at the drive-thru window at McDonald's 2. No matter what number you dial you always get Richard Simmons 1. Their slogan is: "Reach out and touch yourself" -----> Friday, May 20, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, wholly owned and operated by the Gap, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight, Eddie Murphy, Tony Bennett, and comedian, Wayne Cotter. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, Supreme Court nominee, David Letterman. ============================================ Top Ten Signs Your Kid Watches Too Much T.V. ============================================ 10. Instead of coughing, emits short bursts of static 9. Constantly murdering people in hopes of meeting Angela Lansbury 8. Most T.V. commercials have begun addressing him by name 7. You can adjust his volume using the remote control 6. He's seen Tom Arnold's show 5. Room covered with giant posters of shirtless Bob Barker 4. The poor little bastard's got Koppel hair 3. Steals batteries from your pacemaker to put in remote control 2. He's six and his ass covers entire couch 1. Always answers in the form of a question -----> Monday, May 23, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, more than 20 years in the same location, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Rick Moranis, Jimmy Buffett, and geography whiz, Stefan Seville. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who's loved and adored by kiddies everywhere, David Letterman. ============================================================ Top Ten Good Things About The Biologically Engineered Tomato ============================================================ 10. It's the size of North Dakota 9. Doubles as a regulation Major League baseball 8. Can toss itself in a salad 7. Imagine your favorite pizza. Okay, now imagine your favorite pizza mowing your lawn! 6. The taste? Biological-icious! 5. Ripens in minutes using an ordinary blow dryer 4. First step toward biologically engineered B.L.T. 3. Actually shouts: "Hey! I'm getting overripe, you idiot!" 2. Dan Quayle's bestselling book? Ghost-written by a tomato 1. Has a nice, firm handshake -----> Tuesday, May 24, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, owner/operators Nick and Nancy Curtis on the premisis at all times, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Woody Harrelson, comedian Louie Anderson, and basketball great Isiah Thomas. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who loves you more than life itself, David Letterman. =============================================================== Top Ten Announcements That Will Make This Audience Cheer Wildly =============================================================== 10. Hillary Clinton just bough cattle futures for everyone 9. We're raising the temperature in this theater to forty degrees 8. Jack Nicholson just caned the Menendez brothers with a 9-iron 7. We're moving the show to Fox! 6. See that guy in the 3rd row wearing a Chicago Bulls t-shirt? Paul Shaffer will throw him out! (Paul then proceeds to berate the man about New York being a Knicks town and removes him from the audience.) 5. You can have all your fancy foreigners, give me the good old USA! 4. Dumb guys have just crowned Dan Quayle as their king! 3. Ladies and gentlemen, Regis Philbin in a tank top! (Regis comes running down the spiral staircase on the stage wearing a tank top and carrying a basket. He tosses the contents of the basket out to the audience before leaving the theater.) 2. Angela Lansbury is having my baby! 1. I'm drunk! -----> Wednesday, May 25, 1994 <----- [Editor's Note: Tonight's list is the first ever Top Ten Plus! It includes an additional slogan. Also, the list refers to Fox's recent purchase of 8 CBS affiliates around the country. In addition, Fox won the right to broadcast the NFC Football games this year. It was another steal from CBS.] ======== Opening: ======== From New York, all rooms face the beach, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - actor Kevin Pollack, singer Chris Isaak, and chef Jaques Peppan. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who was just purchased by Fox, David Letterman. ======================= Top Ten New CBS Slogans ======================= 10. CBS = Could Be Sold! 9. More powerful than the Weather Channel! 8. You're watching CBS... At least for another week or two 7. We're number 4! 6. Hey we still have a station in Tennessee! 5. If you'll bring your talk show here, we'll sell all our stations 4. Think of us as "CBS Lite!" 3. In case anyone cares, we've still got Andy Rooney! 2. You can't spell "bumbling executives" without C-B-S! 2. El television de crapo! 1. CBS, now on Fox! -----> Thursday, May 26, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, call for a free color brochure, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - Rosie O'Donnell, singer Lorrie Morgan, and actor Bronsan Pinchot. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who has x-ray hindsight, David Letterman. ====================================================== Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Is Running For President ====================================================== 10. Jogging shorts getting shorter and shorter 9. During press conferences stands behind Bill and makes "he's nuts" hand gestures 8. Has been practicing dropping her pants in front of White House staffers 7. "Vote for Hillary" found shaved into the fur of Socks the cat 6. Lately she's been eating more french fries than Bill (obligatory graphic of "robot" Bill zapping McDonald's fries with his laser eye rays) 5. Has been encouraging Gennifer Flowers to have affairs with potential Republican opponents 4. Bill: "Good morning, Dear." Hillary: "You're goin' dowwwn, Sucker!" 3. She's lined up Tony Randall to sing at her Inaugural Ball (Dave then replayed a clip from an earlier bit, Dave's Record Collection. Tony is singing the song "Doo Wacka Doo." 2. Keeps barging into the Oval Office and hollaring, "Bubba, get your fat ass outta my chair!" 1. Refers to Bill as "the First Lady" -----> Friday, May 27, 1994 <----- ======== Opening: ======== From New York, try our Times Square mineral water, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight - The Amazing Kreskin, The Pretenders, and actor Daniel Stern. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, the new Chairman of the House Ways and Mean Committee, David Letterman. =========================== Top Ten Late Show Leftovers =========================== 10. Dave feeds bologna to a rapid badger (followed by a video clip of Dave with a stuffed badger on one hand and bologna in the other) 9. Dave goes through airport security (clip of Dave riding on the carry-on bag x-ray machine) 8. Paul hails a cab (clip of Paul getting smashed by a cab) 7. Dave dances with Barbara Walters (I bet you can guess the clip!) 6. Dave and Paul as Erik and Lyle Menendez (shot of Dave and Paul in wigs and the trademark Menendez sweaters) 5. Dave and chef Jacques Pepin saute artichokes (clip of a minor explosion that occurs when Dave adds too much liquor to the flambe) 4. Wrecking ball mishap (clip of Calvert DeForest getting hit with large foam rubber wrecking ball) 3. Dave dances with a New York cab driver (Dave sure likes dancin'!) 2. Dave's mom turns a garden hose on the camera (clip of Dave's mom spraying the camera as she washes her car in Indiana) 1. Surfin' kitty (clip of Dave teaching a stuff cat to surf in his hotel room - left over from the trip to LA)