Article 13453 of alt.tv.simpsons: Newsgroups: alt.tv.simpsons Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!uunet!munnari.oz.au!metro!seagoon.newcastle.edu.au!frey.newcastle.edu.au!not-for-mail From: c8923075@frey.newcastle.edu.au (Chris Baird) Subject: [9F02] Lisa the Beauty Queen Message-ID: <1dg6ubINNlqh@frey.newcastle.edu.au> Keywords: simpsons capsule Lines: 904 Sender: news@seagoon.newcastle.edu.au Organization: University of Newcastle Maths department, Oz. Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1992 10:48:43 GMT [I originally mailed this to the Widener email/news gateway over 48 hours ago, but it's yet to appear elsewhere.] It's too bad that the newsgroup is no longer frequented by the ``Abject Admirers of Lisa Simpson'' faction,, I expect that Brendan, David, Steve and Raymond were bouncing off the walls during this episode. :) ..and I counted two specific Australian references in this episode. [Yay!] -- Chris ``Somebody up there likes me!''[8f21] Baird,, SPOILERS for almost everyone outside North America! ===================================================================== 7-Nov-92 [9F02] Lisa the Beauty Queen Written by Jeff Martin Directed by Mark Kirkland ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== The introduction sequence with the 15-Oct-92 episode was that shown the previous week in Canada (see 9F01). But luckily, several Canadians reported the introduction that escaped the ravages of FOX: Blackboard: I will not prescribe medication. I will not prescribe - at cutoff. Driveway : No oil on the driveway. Homer does not shake his fist at Bart. Homer says `D'oh!' as Lisa scoots past. Couch : Maggie (who is already on the couch) watches as Homer, Marge and Bart rush past, over-shooting the couch and revealing the `film strip' edge of the picture. H,M&B put on the brakes, get back in the frame, recover and (accompanied by Lisa) get to the couch as normal. [Alan Echenberg believes this couch scene might be a homage to an old Tex Avery cartoon; Alan J Rosenthal encourages watching the sequence frame by frame for truly bizarre animation.] ============================================================================== > Did You Notice? ============================================================================== ... the ferris wheel rocket still lodged in the wall of the school? {hot} ... Lisa's first fall? {dh} ... the tiara was still smouldering from the lightning strike as Lisa was crowned `Little Miss Springfield'? Raymond L. Gilbert {rlg} observes: ... in Homer's fantasy, there where 400 (20X20) people in the stadium. ... on the TV commercial, the little girl doesn't come back down from the last throw! ... Marge hits the resonance frequency of the glass she's holding when fantasizing about Jack Nicklaus. ... that the letters in the `Little Miss Springfield' sign light up as Krusty sings each letter. Michael Parisi {map}: ... they wrote SHOP with the slash through the "O" just like in Scandinavia? I believe they were making reference to the chain of Swedish home/furniture stores in the L.A area called "STOR". ("ST0R" to those of us using generic ASCII computer terminals.) ============================================================================== > Popular references ============================================================================== Georgie Girl - `Blimpy Boy' makes use of the tune, originally recorded by the Seekers, and a theme song from the movie of the same name. {syr} All That Jazz - The Bob Fosse-esque director of the beauty pageant. {mb} Hairspray - Lisa in competition with a blonde named `Amber'... - ...who initially won the contest, but had to give up her crown on account of an injury. {jc} Flashdance - Lisa's dance number. {dh} Proud Mary - Lisa's variation of `America, the Beautiful'. {rc} Vanessa Williams' abdication of her Miss America crown. - Krusty's mention of incriminating photographs. {rlg} The Hindenburg disaster - Kent Brockman's ``Oh, the humanity...'' {rc} + LBJ's Presidential inauguration. - Lisa swearing in as the new Little Miss Springfield. - ...with Marge in a `Jackie' pillbox hat. {rc} Any movie eastern/central/northern European immigrants/deportees. (eg: A Fiddler on the Roof) - Lisa's wharfside welcome. {bw2} Revenge of the Nerds - Nerdy types chasing a football team off a playing field. {elm} Apocalypse Now (Playboy Bunny scene) - the escape from Fort Springfield -- the helicopter airlift, replete with Hope hanging off the runner. {pd} Joe Camel - Menthol Moose. {rc} (from a cigarette campaign in North America that was widely criticized for endearing to young children. -cjb) Dan Rather - Kent Brockman storming off the set. - "you can find me downstairs at..." {jf} ============================================================================== > Lists and Freeze-Frame Fun ============================================================================== >> The Springfield Elementary School Carnival {rc} `The Happiest Place On Earth' Guess Your Age & Weight (He guesses 53yo & 420 lbs; Homer is actually 36 and 239. -rc) Haggis 50 cents (attended by Groundskeeper Willie) The Paralyzer Jimbo's Spookhouse Caricatures $3 (The `Ayyy' Fonz, Farrah Fawcett, Darth Vader surfing) >> Lisa's hair styles Bo Derek, `The 10' Marge Simpson Buffy/Princess Leia Lisa Simpson (with a subtle difference: her spikes lean slightly and curled at the tips. -dh) >> The Little Miss Springfield Pageant {rc} Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn We're Now Rat-Free! >>> The lyrics Transmutated by Ron Carter. >>> The opening number Girls: Having our own, making it work! Gasping for air, having it all! ... Checking it out, caring about us! Making a wish, dreaming a dream! Krusty: Little Miss Springfield, which one will it be? Girls: [pause, sigh] Me! >>> Krusty's finale song L's the losers in her wake... I, the income she will make... T is for her tooth-full mouth... T is for her tooth-full mouth... (Note the lyrics would go on for 17 more lines, presumably the next line would be `L's the losers...' -rc) >> The Springfield Founders' Festival Parade Laramies Jr. Cigarettes float. God Bless Mommy and Daddy and Laramie Cigarettes SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight. [Note "in" is not capitalized, but all other words were. -rlg] >> The headlines Lisa Kicks Butt Queen To Mayor You're Next Nerds Pummeled In Football Melee ============================================================================== > References to previous episodes ============================================================================== [7G01,7G10] Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn. [8F06] Homer got a photograph of Lisa for his wallet.. ============================================================================== > Animation Goofs ============================================================================== ... Lisa's miraculous appearance during the couch sequence. ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== ============================================================================== > Comments N' Controversy ============================================================================== Itemised discussions from alt.tv.simpsons subscribers... Calvin Henry-Cotnam {chc}: The scene with Lisa at the hairdresser struck a funny nerve with me. I have commented to others before how women/girls will go to "get their hair done", and make a *really* big thing about it if it is for some special occasion. But they always return looking exactly the same as when they left. I mean EXACTLY. At least when I get my hair cut, I return looking as if it was. Karl Wagenfuehr {kw}: Did You Notice that one of the contestants at the beauty contest -- one of the two telling Lisa about Amber, specifically the one with the beret -- was the same person as the baby-sitter in "War of the Simpsons"? So, does that mean she is the same age as Lisa (which makes her seem an odd choice for a baby-sitter), or is the Laramie contest not age specific, or were the Simpson people just lazy and tried to slip one over on us, hoping we wouldn't notice? ST702459@brownvm.brown.edu: The RenandStimpyification of The Simpsons is evil! If people want to watch the rapid cuts, inane plots and crashbang action of Ren & Stimpy, let them watch Ren & Stimpy -- Lisa the Beauty Queen had way too much of it. I say they go back to the kinder, mellower Simpsons, where characters stayed in character, the plot followed some sort of reasonable progression, and we all had a good laugh. [..and drank lemonade. -cjb] From Henry Tirado {hot}, our certified Scavenger of Human Misery: Little Miss Springfield being hit by lightning had to rank as one of the best LAUGH-TIL-YOU-FALL-OFF-THE-COUCH scenes since Homer's rescue from Springfield Gorge, Martin's burn victim run in the Soap Box derby, and Flanders' rescue of Homer when the Simpson house burned! Jason Miller {jm}: I BEG to differ. Watching someone get hit by lightning is by no means funny. In an animated series, it is only funny if the person appears again, totally unharmed in the very next scene (as in any RoadRunner cartoon). The fact that Amber is never mentioned again in the episode does not help that bit of humor. Along with the reference to the Hindenberg crash, I found these to be two of the most tasteless bits of humor in the entire series. To which James Willer responded immediately.. - nobody (who isn't a cartoon) *saw* LMS get hit by lightning, and Amber was mentioned as 'already having won Miss Recovery Ward'. - the Blimp scene was a *scathing* *biting* satirical swipe at the crass news media! (If they tell us a kid fallen down a well is a tragedy, we believe them. If they tell us that blimp probably *deserved* to explode, we believe them...) >> Disney's lawyers (scottsc@polari.online.com): The opening of this show .. was .. an obvious reference to the Disney vs. preschool situation of a couple of years ago. "The Happiest Place On Earth", the motto which the "suits" were hassling Principal Skinner about, is the motto of Disneyland. There were also two clear shots of a stylized mouse ears logo on the briefcase. Ron Carter {rc}: And a few years back, Disney went after a pre-school that had large paintings of the Mouse and Pals on their walls; -or else- was the promise... It ended with Hanna-Barberra painting some of -their- characters (Huckleberry Hound, The Jetsons, etc) on the walls. ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene summary ============================================================================== Principal Skinner stands with a lawyer and two thugs under a canvas sign that reads: Springfield Elementary School Carnival ``The Happiest Place on Earth'' Lawyer: Principal Skinner, `The Happiest Place on Earth' is a registered Disneyland copyright! Skinner: Oh gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival. Lawyer: And its heading for a great big lawsuit! [jabbing Skinner with a finger] You made a big mistake, Skinner! Skinner: Well, so did you -- you got an ex-Green Beret mmmad!!! Skinner stabs his fingers at a thug's throat and gives a high kick to the lawyer's chest. Seeing the two men on the ground, the second thug makes a run for it. Skinner flings the lawyer's suitcase high in the air and hits the fleeing thug dead on, from some 100 feet away. Skinner: [adjusting tie] Copyright expired! At a water pistol booth, Nelson quickly tires of the idea and gets more enjoyment shooting at Martin instead. Meanwhile, Bart has set up his own booth -- 3 card Monte. He pitches to a group of boys. Bart: [shuffling cards] Pick a red, get ahead; pick a black, set you back. [smirks slightly after placing 3 cards in front of him] Skinner: [barging in] Mmmm, I don't recall authorizing this booth. Bart: Good-bye, gentlemen... [throws a smoke bomb and vanishes in a puff of smoke, table and all] In a lone booth marked `HAGGIS 50 cents', Groundskeeper Willie (dressed in a kilt) has a fork poised as he shouts his pitch to no one. Willie: Get your Haggis right here! Short, half and longs! Boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as its sounds. Good for what ills you.. [long pause] -sigh- At the `Guess Your Age and Weight' booth, the operator estimates Homer is aged 53 and weighs in at 420 pounds. Bzzzt. (``Ha haa, 36 and 239!'') Operating `The Paralyzer', Otto accepts Bart's challenge to make the ride go faster. A capsule breaks off and crashes through the side of the school, bursting into flames. Otto: I'll be in Mexico until this thing blows over. Otto starts to make his way on foot while pursued by a posse of *very* irate men. Boy-scout Milhouse is excited at finding Jimbo's Spookhouse. Inside, Milhouse finds himself surrounded by Jimbo, Dolph and Kearny (the town hoodlums from ``The Tell-tale Head''). Jimbo threatens Milhouse as Kearny demands he hand over all his cash. Outside, Milhouse clutches his stomach as Bart strolls by with an ice-cream cone. Bart: Was it scary? Milhouse: [in pain] Uh-huh. Bart: Ho Hoo, baby! [enters the Spookhouse] Uh-oh! Lisa sits down to have a caricature done of her. Artist: [making small talk] So girly, you like roller skate'n? Lisa: No! Artist: Heyyy everybody loves roller skate'n! [finishes drawing] Okay, you can turn around now. Lisa looks up at the overhead projection and gasps at the crude drawing of herself on roller-skates, chasing a boy. The surrounding crowd laugh. Lisa regards the drawing the artist hands to her, ``Oh my God! I'm ugly!'' In front of the school, Skinner stands on a raised platform next to a raffle barrel, a shoe buffer, and a easel covered by a white sheet. Using a microphone to address the crowd.. Skinner: Now in a moment, we'll be raffling off our grand prize.. [removes sheet] a ride on the famous Duff Beer Blimp! In the crowd, Homer (sitting beside Marge and Maggie) fantasizes about riding on the Duff blimp: Pilot: You see the circular patterns on those fields -- that's from central pivot irrigation. Homer: [face pressed against the glass] Wowwwww! Pilot: Now; let's see what's happening at the Super bowl. At the Super bowl, a section of the crowd creates a giant size picture of Homer while shouting out: ``HOME-R! HOME-R! HOME-R! HOME-R!''. Back in reality, Homer (with eyes closed) softly chants, ``HOME-R! HOME-R! HOME-R!'' Skinner awards the second prize -- a shoe buffer that is awarded to Ned Flanders. Homer is frustrated to see Ned rush up on stage. Homer: Oh it's no fair! We'll never have a buffer! Marge: We have one at home, you never use it. Homer: [whines] Welll, I want that one! Skinner announces that is the the winner of the blimp ride. With eyes bulging, hands waving, Homer screams ``Oh My God!'' In her bedroom, Lisa sits in front of her dresser mirror, grieving over the cartoon drawing. She sobs and belly-flops onto her bed, burying her face in a pillow. In the hallway, Homer gaily sings his heart out. Homer: Heyyy thereeee, blimpy boy! Flying through the skies so fancy free! He notices Lisa crying through the open door. Sitting on her bed, he asks what's wrong. Lisa: [sobbing, face still buried in pillow] Dad, do you think I'm ugly? Homer: What are you talking about? Lisa: [holds up the caricature] Homer takes the drawing and chuckles at it, stating that it isn't real; it's just how she might look if she were a cartoon character. Lisa: [face in pillow] I'm a ugh-mo. Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear. Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff! Homer: [sees Abe walk pass] Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? Abe: [poking head in] Nooooo, you're homely as a dog's butt! Homer: [to Lisa] Thereeee, see? Lisa: I'd like to be alone, please! Homer leaves his sobbing daughter to herself, and finds himself at Moe's Tavern playing with the spilt beer on the counter. Head resting on one hand, he asks Moe if he ever felt unattractive. Moe: [ponders] Mmmm, no. Homer: [turns to Barney] How about you, Barney? Barney: [raising mug] Not for a second! [borrch!] Homer: [sighs] I need help. On the Bar TV, Homer watches a man throw a little girl high in to the air. The man comments that every father must think their daughter is the cutest Jack Larson enters, stating that is now a way to prove it. Father: Wow, the president of Laramie Cigarettes , Jack Larson! Larson: This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield Pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV. [takes a puff on a cigarette and holds up the box] Ah, that sweet Carolina smoke! But, they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant for little girls ages 7 to 9. Homer: Lisa's age is 7 to 9.. Larson: Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, Krusty the Clown-- Krusty: [read] I heartily indorse this event or product. A little girl dressed as a beauty pageant contestant, cuts in; ``What a feeling, I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning!'' Homer: [astonished] That could be Lisa! Homer's excitement is snuffed when learning that a contestant needs 250 dollars to enter. Looking inside his wallet, he sees Lisa's photo and the Blimp ticket. Holding the two in air, Homer has to choose between them. Homer: Hey Barney, will you give me 250 dollars for this Blimp ticket? Barney: Sure. [presents a stack of bills] Homer: [gasps] Where did you get all the money? Barney: From some scientist.. Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up. Barney turns around to finish the rest of his beer. On a shaven area of Barney's head hang 3 tiny wires. [End of Act One.] At breakfast, Bart and Maggie sit across from Lisa, who is viewing her grotesque reflection in a spoon. Marge tries to cheer her up by singing (``..There once was an ugly duckling.'').. to Lisa's annoyance. Lisa: [frowning] So you think I'm ugly?! Marge: Noooo. No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks.. that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm. Homer: [entering the kitchen] Lisa, if you could have one wish, what will it be? Lisa: To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again! Homer: Ahhh.. was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? Lisa: [shocked] What are you talking about?! Homer: I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo of you, so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller-skates. Lisa: [crushed] How could you! I won't do it! [exits; sobbing] Marge: [snapping] Homer! Lisa's sensitive about her looks; this is the last thing she needs! Homer: [defensively] But I think she'll win! Bart asks his Dad if he's seen the girls in those contests. To get the point across, Bart hits the kitchen table with a fist (``Hubba! Hubba!'') takes off his shoe and hits himself with it [huh?]. He finishes with wolf calls and cools himself down by splashing milk in his face. Homer finally recognizes what Bart is getting at. Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl! Marge: Mmmmm, you're looking at her through a father's eyes. Homer: Well if I could gore out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets I would; but to me, she's beautiful! Marge: [moved] That is so sweet! In Lisa's bedroom, Marge tells Lisa that she isn't going to be forced to do anything, but asks if she knows where Homer got the pageant money from. Downstairs, Homer waves a pickle above the kitchen table, singing mournfully (``Heyyy thereeee, blimpy boy! Flying through the skies so fancy free!'') Face down on the table, he sobs. Lisa agrees to do the pageant and hugs her mother. Lisa stands with two other girls as they wait in line to register for the Little Miss Springfield Pageant. A little blonde-haired girl enters the room sporting a fur coat and blue shades. She reveals a Shirley Temple-esque dress after dropping the fur coat at her mother's feet. One hand at her hip, she fluffs her hair with the other. girl2: Amber Dempsey. girl1: In the same week she was Pork Princess aaaand Li'l Miss Kosher. Lisa: [mesmerized] Sssshe beautiful! The second girl tells Lisa to wait as Amber's about to bring out the real ammunition. Amber removes the shades, revealing long eyelashes with which she blinks adorably. girl1: Eyelash implants. Lisa: [puzzled] I thought those were illegal? girl1: Not in Paraguay. Standing before Marge and Bart in the front room, Lisa holds up a glossy photo of Amber Dempsey, stating there's no way she could defeat Amber -- she's the Jack Nicolaus of the pageant circuit! Rubbing her wine glass, Marge denies that Amber is attractive and fantasizes about Jack bending over to retrieve a golfball. Lisa: I meant that they both win all the time, Mom! Marge: [embarrassed] Oh, well, yes. That's what I meant, too. Well, tell you what -- this afternoon, I'll take you to the beauty parlor and show you just how lovely you can be. Bart: And later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade -- taping your swimsuit to your butt; petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile; and the ancient art of padding. [purrs] [Marge and Lisa stare at him in disbelief.] At the beauty parlor (`Turn Your Head and Coif'), Lisa hangs upside down with a mud pack on her face, cucumber slices over the eyes, hair in curlers. She asks the male hairdresser if they're finished yet; igniting a blowtorch, the man states they're just warming up. Lisa: [feeling the heat from the blowtorch] Ahh, isn't this dangerous? Man: Don't worry, I am well protected. Lisa's final hair style almost matches her old one. Through the front room window, Homer watches Marge and Lisa pull up to the driveway. Turning to Bart, he tells the boy to make a big fuss over how Lisa looks. Bart doesn't see the point, ``She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants!'' Homer: No she won't! When it comes to compliments, [making fierce gestures] Women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more...MORE MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return. Bart: Like what? Homer: I'll tell you when you're older. Homer fantasizes lying in a hammock, contented to sip a tall glass of ice-tea and watch his sweaty wife mow the lawn with a push mower. Homer raises a hand to his face in fake astonishment when Lisa and Marge enter the house. Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call Heaven. [looking around] There's an angel missing! Bart: [pointing] And whose your little school friend? [sways back] Wait a minute -- that's Mom! The girls eat it up. Marge thanks the boys for the fake compliments, ``I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight.'' After the girls leave, father and son do a high-five. Bart asks Homer if he knows anything else about women. Homer shakes his head, ``No, that's it.'' Bart applies his new acquired knowledge in an ice-cream parlor. He sluggishly spoons a bite of ice-cream (from a pint-size bowl) into his mouth while watching the fat waitress approach. Lady: Hey Brush head -- you've been nursing that thing for an hour! Bart: You know, I was just wondering how someone who works in in an ice-cream store keep such a trim figure. Eating it up (``I've misjudged you.''), the waitress serves Bart a Homer-size scoop of ice-cream. Watching the girls rehearse for the beauty pageant, the choreographer takes a drag on his cigarette before shouting at them. I said `Step pause turn pause pivot step step' not `Step pause turn pause pivot step pause'! [sighs] The front room becomes a stage as Bart coaches Lisa (how is wearing high heels) through a dress rehearsal. Maggie looks adorable dressed as a contestant. Bart: [welding a banana] And the winner is.. [pause] Lisa Simpson! Lisa: [clasps face, gasps] Bart: Okay, wipe away a tear.. [Lisa complies] Hug the loser.. [Lisa hugs Maggie]. And now, for your triumphant walk down the runway. Lisa takes a few shaky steps before falling flat on her face. From the floor, she explains that it's hopeless. Bart refutes the suggestion and shows her how it's done. But Lisa has second thoughts and asks her high-heel-wearing brother if he thinks she really has a chance. Bart: [thrusting a hip provocatively] Hey, I'm start'n to think I could win. Lisa: But those other girls are prettier than me. Bart: [difficultly] Lis, as your bother, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.. [pause] You're not ugly. Lisa: [joyfully] Oh Bart! The Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn (`We're now Rat-Free!') plays host to the Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Inside, the pageant opens with the girls on stage, singing: Out on our own... Making it work! Gasping for air... Having it allllll! Amber Dempsey walks out and introduces herself. Amber: [waving] My name is Amber Dempsey. When I grow up I wanna be a sweetie pie. [flutters eyelashes adorably] A Pakistani girl introduces herself. Pahus: I am Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon, and tonight, I'll be playing MacArthur Park on the tabirah. [audience laughs] No, I am serious! Sitting behind OFF, Apu and Sanjay stand up, clapping proudly. Apu points, ``Yes, Judges, there's your queen!'' But both men gasp when Marge asks them who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart. We cut to the store and see Jimbo, Dolph and Kearny hauling off the Squishy machine. Lisa: [introducing herself] My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Li'l Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place. Back stage, Jack Larson is markably annoyed at Krusty's late arrival. Helped by Miss Pennycandy, Krusty strains to fit into a tuxedo. Larson: Krusty, it's about time you got here! Krusty: Yeah, yeah! What is this, thee, aw, Republican fund raiser? On stage, the girls continue singing. Checking it out...making a fuss! Making a wish, dreaming a dreammmmmm! [Krusty rushes out] Krusty: Little Miss Springfield, which one willllll it beeeeee... Girls: [raising their hands in air] Meeeeee! In the talent segment, Apu and Sanjay, the only people not sleeping, applaud loudly when Pahusacheta finally finishes MacArthur Park. A weary Krusty returns to present the next contestant. Krusty: Ohh, that just kept going, huh? And now, here's... [reading a name-card]... Lisa Simpson. Backstage, Homer tells Lisa they'll love her just as much as he does. Lisa thanks him and applies petroleum jelly to her teeth (for that frictionless smile..) After Lisa leaves, Homer samples some of the jelly (``Mmmmmm.'') Lisa: [speaking into a microphone] Some people say that to love your country is old fashioned, uncool, real Melvin. Well, to them I say.. Oh beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of gray.. ONE - TWO - THREE - FOUR Lisa strips from her dress, revealing tights. Grabbing the mic stand, she really belts out a performance. Left a good job in the city... working for the money every night and day... [does a wonderful dance number that gets the judges moving] Krusty comes to his favorite part of the pageant, but has difficulty reading (remember 7G12?) the cue cards. He asks Amber if the Bill of Rights is a good thing or bad thing. Amber hesitates before answering `good thing' and flutters her eyelashes adorably at the judges -- who all eat it up. The pageant is nearing it's end; Krusty speaks: And now it's time to name our runner up, who if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties, bla bla wasa wasa... And don't say it'll never happen, because we all remember what happened with what's her name, [making camera gestures] click click, you know. Okay, the runner up is... A drum roll sounds as Krusty opens the envelope. Lisa and Marge both anxiously hold their hands in expectation while, backstage, Homer polishes off the rest of the petroleum jelly. Krusty: ..Lisa Simpson, which means Amber Dempsey is the new Little Miss Springfield!!! Amber hugs Lisa, and two girls crown Amber with the flowers, crown and sceptre. Krusty sings his heart out as Amber triumphantly walks down the runway. L the losers in her wake I the income she will make T is for her toothful mouth T is for her toothful mouth... At home, Lisa sadly watches Scott Christian's news report with her family. Scott: Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation -- wasting food. [quick insert of man dumping a whole turkey in trashcan, followed by a whole carton of milk] Scott: But first, let's join the Little Miss Springfield, Amber Dempsey, as she helps open the Danish Super chain shop. Outside the Danish shop, Kent Brockman faces the camera. Kent: Scott, everyone is here.. From the mayor's illegitimate son to our own Duff Blimp. Scene changes to show the Blimp's interior as Barney asks the pilot for a test-drive. The pilot can't see a good reason why not; then Barney proceeds to steer the blimp into a radio tower, the dirigible bursting into flames. Kent: Oh, the humanity! Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire-damage spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield! Mayor Quimby and Jack Larson watch as Amber pushes a button, and razor-sharp spikes appear out of the road. They applaud and Amber blinks her eyelashes as thunderous clouds roll up. At home in the TV room, Marge becomes worried. Marge: Oh dear, it'll be a shame if that pretty dress got wet. Lisa: I'll say the greater danger is her sceptre acting as a lighting rod-- unless it's made out of plastic. Bart: [intense flash of light from TV] Nope, metal. At the Danish shop, Kent is genuinely shocked to announce that Little Miss Springfield has been struck by lighting! In front of the Simpsons' house, Lisa stands on a soap box as Jack Larson uses a book to swear her in as the new Little Miss Springfield. The news media, roving reporter Dave Shutton and Dr. Hibbert are there to witness the event. Dave: Doctor, what is Amber's condition? Herbert: Oh, she'll be fine -- in fact, she already won the Little Miss Intensive Care pageant. Krusty places the smoking tiara on Lisa's head. Krusty: Congratulations Lisa, you're the new Little Miss Springfield. Here's your sceptre.. Krusty holds out the sceptre to Lisa, but as Lisa reaches over to take it, he yanks it back, giggling. After offering and snatching the sceptre back a second time, the giggling clown is struck by lighting. Krusty: [as smoke wafts from his body] I deserved that. [End of Act 2.] At the Springfield Wax Museum, Lisa stands next to a likeness as photographers take pictures. As the rest of the family looks on, Bart senses something is amiss. Bart: That doesn't look like her body.. Attendant: Torso used to be Dr. Ruth, ah, her head is on a pike in a chamber of horrors. A brief visit to the Chamber of Horrors; where we indeed see the severed head of Dr. Ruth; accompanied by Mr. T and Ronald Reagan. In the school's cafeteria, Lisa (wearing crown) walks pass several boys -- who wave and whistle at her. Lisa: [coyly] Hi, fellaaass. Chuck: [after she leaves] Love that chewing gum walk. Ralph: Very wiggly. [both do a toast with their pints of milk] Standing with Chief Wiggum on a wharf beside a ship, Lisa welcomes a group of immigrants to America, the land of opportunity. Wiggum leans over and whispers, ``Ah, actually they're being deported.'' A male deportee sorrowfully plays the violin. (Can anyone name that tune?) At Fort Springfield, the servicemen eagerly watch an empty stage as the PA system announces Bob Hope. Before going on, Bob (welding the trademarked golf club) finds out the mayor's name (``Beautiful!'') Bob Hope: Hello, this is Bob `What the hell am I doing in Springfield?' Hope. Hey, how about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer -- his golfball spends more time underwater than Greg Ugainus(sp?). [servicemen laugh] And now I want to show you what you'll be fighting for, if there was a war on... Little Miss Springfield. [Lisa walks on stage and waves] Isn't she beautiful? Having expected a more mature Miss Springfield, the servicemen are a mite peeved. (``First Tony Randall cancels, now this!'') They rush the stage. After helping Lisa aboard, Bob is left dangling by one hand as the rescuing helicopter leaves the riot scene. Taking in the view, Bob points his golf club to something he likes. ``Hey, set me down at that boat show.'' Standing on a platform with Jack Larson, Lisa surveys the work being done to the Little Miss Springfield float she'll be riding on in the Springfield Founders Festival Parade. Lisa: I'm going to be riding on a pack of cigarettes? Larson: Mmm muh, we think you're the perfect spokesmodel for Laramies. It's part of our new campaign. Larson shows Lisa a picture of herself praying at a bedside with a cigarette dangling from her mouth. The message reads: `God Bless Mommy and Daddy, and Laramie Cigarettes'. Larson thinks its classy, Lisa only gasps. Larson: You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie. A lot of the people who smoke our product have been [waving hand] well.. dying. [chuckles] And we need young smokers to take their place. Lisa: But I don't wanna be a spokesperson for a cigarette company! Larson: But you're a role model to young people -- and we're thinking of retiring Menthol Moose. Larson points to the red suited, black shade wearing, cancer-stick smoking moose at the front of the float. The moose coughs and spits to the ground. The parade is underway. Homer and Marge (with Maggie) are lost in the crowd of spectators. Homer is moved by the sight of the white uniform marching men. Homer: [saluting] Bless you boys. Marge: Homer, those are ice-cream men. Homer: [wiping a tear] I knowwwww! Lisa, riding on top of the Laramie cigarette sponsored Little Miss Springfield float, waves at the people as Menthol Moose passes out free packs of cigarettes. She is soon shocked to see the people smoking, even kids. The clincher is seeing her baby sister subsitute her pacifier with a cigarette she swiped from someone nearby. Lisa demands that the float be stopped. The Santa (behind her) crashes his sled into the rear of the float (``What's the holdup? GO!'') Lisa: [shouting] I'm tired of being a corporate shell! [kicking the cigarette pack from under her, flattening the moose] From now on, I will speak out against the evils in society.. From dog napping to cigarettes! In the crowd, Maggie tosses her stolen cigarette away and promptly shoves her pacifier back in its rightful place. The Springfield Shopper spins into view, the heading reads: `LISA KICKS BUTT'. At a football game, Lisa states (before singing the nation anthem) that college football diverts funds that are badly needed for education and the Arts. A group of wimpy, geeky males charge the burly football players off the playing field. Another newspaper heading spins into view, it reads: `QUEEN TO MAYOR: YOU'RE NEXT' (second article: NERDS PUMMELLED IN FOOTBALL MELLE) In a smoke-filled room, Mayor Quimby (surrounded by his advisors) sits across the table from Krusty the Clown (and his advisors). Chief Wiggum watches the proceedings. Quimby: [slamming the table with his fist] Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out and Amber Dempsey back in-- [pointing to Wiggum] but this glorified crossing guard of a police chief won't get off his big fat can. Wiggum: [wiggling the tip of a chip bag] Is it ok if I open these potato-chips? Quimby: Humaaagh! Jack Larson burst into the room, holding out a piece of paper. Larson: [walking in] Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered! Take a look at our Little Miss Springfield's pageant application. Reading the application, Quimby's eyes light up. He buzzes the intercom and asks Rocky to bring in a bottle of champagne. Wiggum holds up the open chip bag, ``Yeah, and some dip for these chips.'' Kent Brockman reports that Lisa Simpson is no longer the Little Miss Springfield. Kent's image is briefly replace by a goat being bottle fed. Kent: Well, that's obliviously the wrong footage. Humaa, but it does seem that the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the application incorrectly. In the area under `do not write in this space' he wrote `OK'. Sitting in front of the TV with Lisa, Homer accepts that it's all his fault Lisa is no longer queen. (``You must hate me?'') Lisa asks if he remembered why he entered her in the pageant. Homer: I don't know.. Was I drunk? Lisa: Possibly, but the point is you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do. Homer: Really? Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: Will you remember this the next time I rake your life? Lisa: It's a deal. [father and daughter hug] The report continues with Kent announcing his exclusive interview with Pope John Paul II. Kent's image is replaced by the goat being bottle fed. Kent: [unseen] That's it! I cannot work under these conditions! If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDoocles. Nope, call the weekend guy, I don't care! [door slam] [End of Act Three.] ============================================================================== > Distribution notice and Acknowledgments ============================================================================== ``This is the part of the job I hate.'' [8F17] This compilation Copr. 1992 Chris Baird; Scene Summaries Copr. 1992 Dave Hall. Quotes from The Simpsons are the property of 20th Century FOX Television, and other reproduced contributions belong to their respective authors. To be freely distributed through Usenet or any other associated networks on the provision it remains unaltered by sentient beings and is not used to promote a commercial service. Significant contributions from... {cjb} - Chris Baird (c8923075@mystra.newcastle.edu.au) {mb} - Mark Bendiksen (cb366@cleveland.freenet.edu) {rc} - Ron Carter (rcarter@nyx.cs.du.edu) {jc} - James Chokey (jchokey@leland.stanford.edu) {pd} - Peter Dougherty (peter.dougherty@canrem.com) - Alan Echenberg (aechenbe@alfred.ccs.carleton.ca) {rlg} - Raymond L. Gilbert (pi@bronze.ucs.indiana.edu) {dh} - Dave Hall (dave@sys6626.bison.mb.ca) {chc} - Calvin Henry-Cotnam (cal@ee.ryerson.ca) - (ST702459@brownvm.brown.edu) {jm} - Jason Miller (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu) {elm} - Ethan Miller (elm@cs.berkeley.edu) {jf} - (joelfire@elaine4.stanford.edu) - Alan J. Rosenthal (flaps@dgp.toronto.edu) {map} - Michael A. Parisi (santafe@watnxt09.ucr.edu) - (scottsc@polari.online.com) - Scott Simpson (simpson@bnr.ca) {syr} - (syracurg@lp.musc.edu) {hot} - Henry O. Tirado (hot@cbnewsb.cb.att.com) {kw} - Karl Wagenfuehr (wagenfuh@huey.udel.edu) {bw2} - Bucky Waley (bw462@cleveland.freenet.edu) - James Willer (jwlr@okeeffe.cc.rochester.edu) ==============================================================================